Plumbing the Death Star - Which Super Smash Bro would Make the Best Step Dad All-Stars Edition

Episode Date: January 10, 2016

In which our heroes miss their real dad, wonder why Captain Falcon had to go as we realise mum’s back to dating even more Super Smash Bros. This time it’s an All-Star Edition! We look at awkward family gatherings, wonder how much pain a bully can take and explain the Australian education system. Zammit tries to set mum up with a dragon, Jackson wants the dirtiest step-dad possible and Duscher, as always, says all you need for love is a large hand. Or two. So sit back and pull a blanket over your head to try block out the noise of a Pokémon having sex with your mum. It won't work. It'll never work.Want to help get Wario locked away? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month you can help raise the bounty on his head.Hankering for some sweet geeky loot every month? Do us a favour and go to www.geekfuel.com/sanspants and sign up to receive your free (possible) Mario today! And don’t forget to check out the Winterhill series by Iain Martin available at all good amazon.com stores or check out his website at http://www.iainmartinbooks.co.uk Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, I just died in your arms tonight. Today's episode is sponsored by Ian Martin, whose e-book Winter Hill is available to purchase and download from all good local Amazon websites. Just head to Amazon.com and search for Winter Hill. It's a sci-fi book series that acts more like a box set. So, if you're like me, who sits in his underwear on the couch wishing the aircon

was fixed and ends up binge-watching all the seasons of The Clone Wars, only getting up to grab more cheesecake from the fridge, then this is the book series for you. It's got great world building, sweet space adventures, aliens, criminals, story arcs, words you can read, and all of that great shit you've come to expect from an e-book. Just search for Winter Hill by Ian Martin, that's I-A-I-N on Amazon, and start reading today. Links in the show notes of this very episode. And if you've got anything you'd like to spruik, just send us an email. SansPantsRadio at gmail.com And while you're still listening to my beautiful voice, we're doing another live show,

18th of Feb, same time and place as last time, the Eureka Hotel at 7pm. Tickets are a gold coin at the door, so come on down and have yourself a good time. Oh, also, today's episode is sponsored by these amazing chaps, Daniel Jansen, Matt Lasky, Sean Webb, Joseph, Andrew Morris, and Tristian West. Just remember, you cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.

So get rowin', lads. Now, enjoy the show. Hey guys, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like, which Super Smash Bros. character would make the best stepdad part 2 all-star mode? Alright, so, last time we visited this, Captain Falcon was revealed to be the best dad, Supreme Papa. But only from the original roster. We only looked at the Nintendo 64 classic. There's like 60 of them now.

At least. Mom has a lot of potential options. Mom has a whole fucking roster of suitors fighting and also ready to go. So, yeah, we've decided to revisit this because whilst captain falcon was great we realized that with like the 60 other characters they might be better and because there are so many characters uh we've set out the rules which we discussed on it off air but look listeners i'll do you a favor i'll let you in on it right now all three of us without discussing them have picked two potential favorites from the rest of the roster.

So we won't be going... Potential suitors. Potential suitors for mum. Stepdads, if you will. Give it to mum. Just give it to mum and give you speeches, I guess, about cleaning your room. Yeah.

I might just be talking about my stepdad now. Joel, clean your room. Pay for your car. It needs a wash. Why are you never home for dinner shut up charizard and on that note i'm picking charizard as my first option okay one a dragon yes exactly one a dragon too big very big can't fit in the house but doors become an issue it does become an issue however transport poker ball yeah yeah wait no no I don't think how do I transport

my stepdad nobody has that nobody in the history of the world is like how do I take my stepdad places

I was thinking how do I fit my stepdad through doors in a poker ball and then let him out inside that would be a hassle

that's wise but flying him I see what you mean son I need to get the kitchen or be like kitchen alright in the poker ball out in the poker ball cook I see what you mean. Big dad, son, need to get the kitchen. Or we'd be like, kitchen? Alright, in the Pokeball.

Out in the Pokeball. Out in the Pokeball, cook dinner. Okay, so. Cook your dinner real good. Could he though? He's got tiny little fucking T-Rex hands. A lot of stuff. Actually, Charizard's hands aren't that small.

Barbecuing shit with like a kiss the cook apron. Charizard doesn't have T-Rex arms. He's got longer arms than a T-Rex oh he does he has like Alamosaurus arms yeah who's the paleontologist in the room

it's your boy I think it's Alasaurus I don't think an Alamosaurus is a dinosaur Aluminium source shut up Jackson we're ready to believe you

don't do this to yourself so classic stepdad scenario cooking the barbie that's true get out of gas doesn't matter well I mean except that the barbecue would be at like knee level into my own self. Classic stepdad scenario, cooking the barbie. That's true. Get out of gas, doesn't matter. Well, I mean,

except that the barbecue would be at like knee level. And he'd be like, time to cook some snags and just bend down and fucking scorch the earth in the backyard. And you're like, the whole barbecue's

a crisp Charizard. Rawr! I was going to say that even if you're using him for transport to the shops or school, what level is he? Because he might be like,

Dad, take me... Maybe you're not calling him Dad yet. Charizard, take me to school. And he's like, Because you don't have enough badges to trade him. Pokemon are wily creatures. Until you're like, Whoa, Charizard, check this shit out.

He's like, oh, I see. You got the egg badge. Sick. I'm up to level 80, maybe, or something. Yeah. 70, whatever. That is a hassle. I guess it's a lot more groundwork to sort of appease your stepdad.

Also, so we've discussed- Rather than doing good in your homework, you've got to go get them fucking badges. I know, and you're like, I have school. That's a hassle. Also, we've discussed classic stepdad situation one, which is cooking the barbecue. Classic stepdad situation two, banging your cooking the barbecue. Classic stepdad situation two, banging your mum. Charizard is just a dragon.

So whatever, mum can freak you with it. She's fine. You will hear that. You will not be able to not hear that. Firecock. Does he have a firecock voice? I don't think ever in the canon, it's explicitly stated that,

like in the fucking Pokedex entry. Watch out for Charizard's fire block. And I'm assuming that he doesn't have like hot, like. Hot dick? Oh, he might have like dog dick though. Ew. Oh, gross. Ew.

Oh, gross. Also. Unsheathes and gross. Ew. Oh. Yeah. I can't judge mum. I mean, she'd bang Pikachu.

We're like, please settle down, mum mama or just be your own independent woman we don't mind bestiality is not okay stop banging animals um well yeah do us a solid mom stuck to chara's out again and i like it i think there's too much trauma involved in chara dad. Okay, I think a good way to compare this is like, how does chara dad stack up to a regular human male? Bullies though. Dealing with bullies. Bullies would bully you because you've got a chara dad.

Your mom's banging a lizard. Watch your comeback for that, mate. Also, they're like, charrodad's good for bullies if your ideal bully-dealing situation is murder. If you're like, these guys are bullying me, and a man stepped out and was like, well, let's get a baseball bat full of nails and go and bash their brains in, and you're like, dang, you're a good replacement for pa.

But I feel the threat of having a dragon would be pretty good. I think no one's going to bully a cute dragon down. It's almost like Charizard makes a good friend, maybe even a good Pokemon companion. Potential good big brother. Yeah. Not a great stepdad. Potentially, no.

Charmeleon would be a good big brother. Charizard's too dad. Yeah, would Charizard be like, give you that right amount of tough love, but also compassion that you want in a stepdad. He can't speak English. That's a hassle. Actually, he just can't speak human. He can speak Charizard.

He can't give you any speeches. He can't give you, he can never sit down and be like, I'm not trying to be your dad, I just want to be your friend. If I'm having a problem with a girl in high school, what can Charizard do? Charizard can't do shit. Seismic toss. Yeah. Maybe we should lay out some things, some

gauntlets, some stepdad gauntlets to run these stepdads through. So, you've already kind of done it. Barbecue, bullies. Banging your mum. Banging your mum, ladies. Ladies. Yeah. Guidance should probably be the best. Guidance. So, I think charizard fails at all he's definitely worse than al victor yeah so barbecue i would give him a good okay i would

give him some props you wouldn't even need a barbecue because you can just hold the meat on a stick oh i reckon the barbecue but great no on a stick okay on a big long long big long like fork and you're like not a it down, eat the sausage. Bullies, I think, would be okay. Yeah, bullies is okay. He would cause bullies, but he would also threaten bullies. But banging mum or boy-slash-girl troubles,

he'd be bad at giving a hassle. Okay, who was your second option? Second option, this is a bit out there. More out there than Charizard. Goodness gracious me. I just think this one, this is gonna, I think this is a bit out there. More out there than Charizard. Goodness gracious me. I just think this one, this is gonna I think this is a, hear me out.

Okay. Ice climbers. Okay. Because there's two of them. Double dad. So everything is double. Double dad. Double dad. Double dad. Well, double dad. Helping out with a barbecue you've got, yeah, double dad, double mom. Whatever. Double dad wants a mom. Yes. So you, helping out with the barbecue.

Yep. You've got two of them doing it. That's good. That is good. They're tethered together, though. Well, yes, but there's a distance. So going for the barbecue to the kitchen to get some, like, snags out of the fridge, pretty good. Also ice climbers.

They hit everything with hammers. And the hammers shoot ice. So that would be bad. Well, I mean, yeah, but are they doing that all the time? Can you be like, put the hammer down, pick up a spatula? Have you seen them without a hammer? When they pick up items. Yeah, they use their mittens.

They use their mittens. We'll get hot in the summer. That is true. We can't go to the beach. Sweaty dads. Sweaty dads. Sweaty dads, one's a mom. Sweaty mom.

Okay, but barbecuing, hey, you know what? That's a success. They cook a good barbie. They get hot because they success. On point. They cook a good barbie. They get hot because they're sweaty still, but they cook a good barbie. Oh, actually. You might have to move to somewhere cold, which I'm fine with. They produce ice, so you could be like, hey, this can of Coke is lukewarm. At best, they'd be like, hit it with ice.

Champions for barbecues. Or they're cooking a sausage with one hand, keeping the fucking esky cold with the other. No, they're probably holding sausage with one hand, keeping the fucking esky cold with the other. They're probably holding hands, to be honest. Think about gross Australian summers. They're going to be great to have around. They'll keep your house cold. Aircon, right?

So cost of aircon is quite high. These guys are going to lower it. That's true. Which is always a big dad problem. That's a dad one. Aircon too much. Nah, not with these guys. Have you looked at the energy bill? You don't need to pay the bills. That's true. Which is always a big dad problem. That's a dad one. That's a dad one. Too much. No, not with these guys. Energy bill.

Have you looked at the energy bill? You don't need to pay the bills. Exactly. You don't need to pay the bills. You respect my house. Under my roof. Listeners, you can play a game called Who Has a Stepdad in This Room?

The answers may shock you. Answers? Oh, well, I guess that's pretty much. It makes sense. Okay, so I say the barbecue, that's a success. Although, there's one downside to the ice climbers. What are their names? Come on, Zahmat.

You know the ice climbers law. Come on. Like, I have an answer here. No, I'm looking at you like, because they have individual names, and I know what they are, at least what the variation is. Mamu and Nanu.

That's surprisingly close. It's like um, it's like oh fuck. They're like Inuit sort of sounding names, aren't they? Nah, they're pretty much like Nan and Pop. Really? Or it's like Mama and Pop.

Let's just have a quick fact checked. Is that an issue yes different name because you know how you don't want to call your stepdad dad oh he's that's his name popo and nana okay so popo is not a problem don't worry about popo nana you're like mates around and you're like it's the popo you're like no i mean my little inuit stepdad and then you've lost a lot of friends what's in in a name, Dusha? Popo? That's scary.

The police are frightening. You come home after a big night. The last thing you want to say is Popo. Watch out for Popo. Maybe you just transition into calling him Dad and Mum 2 very quickly to avoid this issue. Dad and mum too. So let's say they... That's also, what if Nana's around? Then you're like, hey Nana, and then your grandma

and your stepdad that's a mum. Family gatherings are weird and also all of the other extended family is like, why is mum dating two Inuit dwarfs? Another problem with barbecuing, any of these challenges that we'll set for them, if they're separated, they're basically a piece of

shit by themselves. Yeah, that's true. The moment you're like, mum too, could you go get the salad or something whilst dad one is step, whatever, is at the barbecue then he just becomes shit at cooking and everything burns and you're like,

mum too needs to come back. But mum too is separated too much from the ground from the sky yeah because she's walked too far away there's just been like fucking ko or something like what the fuck just happened that's a hassle that's always a hassle like an overarching hassle yeah for any of these. If they go out of your line of sight, it's like KO. You're like, ah, what? They fall from the sky. Bullies, though, were pretty good.

Hammers. Hammers. A tether to trip up, said bullies. Some wacky bullying hijinks. Nail them in the kneecaps with the hammers. There's two of them. Good cop, bad cop. Yeah, that's true. That's very true. Good dad, bad dad. Who's a mom? Who's a mom? They are pretty good cop, bad cop. Yeah, that's true. That's very true. Good dad, bad dad. Who's a mom? Who's a mom?

They are pretty good for bullies. I mean, you don't have the Charizard threat, really. Yeah. You're like, oh, you're bullying me? Just wait till my dad and mom two come and get you. But I feel they would approach it where they would go to the parents of the bullies or go to the school and be like, what's going on? Ice climbers fight polar bears with sunglasses on,

so I feel like they can handle a bully. Yeah. Because, like, what's cooler than being cool? A polar bear that's wearing sunglasses. Ah, and budgie smugglers. That works against polar bears, though. They're, like, not being seen in the snow. And sunglasses will point you out to potential prey.

And budgie smugglers. And budgie smugglers. And budgie smugglers. Polar bears' wangs are inside of them. I feel... How are they going to get those budgie smugglers off? Bear claws, you idiot. But how do they put them back on? Bear claws, you idiot.

I guess you told me. I guess that's a win for you. Okay, I still feel like ice climbers are... Banging your mum. Banging your mum, though. That could be pretty good. Thought about that for slightly too long, and now my brain doesn't want to work ever again.

Look, mum maybe just wants to be in a polyamorous relationship. Extra care, unless... I think they're married. Yeah. Well, it's just like your mum's coming in like a polyamorous, like, oh, it's a bit of fun. Yeah. But they might.

I think the problem with ice climbers is that it's probably not going to last. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what we're going to do. A special noise. I think I won. If you're listening, just turn the page. No, but, I mean, you get three people. They're already married. married mom's like i've tried to jump into this relationship and there's already so like such a strong bond there mom would feel like the outsider like they've got so much history it's not like those three came together into a polyamorous relationship it's like mom's just like leaping into a marriage

that's clearly been going on for a long they're sitting around at the dinner table and they're like look remember when we fought that polar bear in sunglasses? And your mum's like, ha ha, no, I wasn't there. Mum has just come out of a string of bad relationships. But like previously. What happened to Captain Falcon? What happened to our dad? Our birth dad.

He died in a plane fire. Okay, so how long were they married for? Called it a Mario Party. Okay, killed it in Mario Party. How long were they together for? Let's say from when we were. How old are we? I think we were they married for? Caught in a Mario Party. Okay, killed in a Mario Party. How long were they together for? Let's say from when we were... How old are we? I think we were like 18. No, I was figuring like high school era.

So like 13, 14? Yeah. Australian high school for you American listeners. None of this fucking middle school, junior high bullshit. We have primary school and we have high school. And then VCE. I think that might have changed. VCE is high school, you idiot. But the last two years of high school. And we have high school. And then VCE. I think that might have changed. VCE is high school, you idiot.

But the last two years of high school. Okay. This is my side podcast called Joel Explains the Educational System in Australia. So we have primary school, which goes from prep. Before that, we have kindergarten. Whoa. Yeah. Put the rug out from under you already.

All right. Kindergarten, which is usually when you're four. You start primary school when you're five into prep. My brother failed kindergarten. Good. Both of them did, actually. Ha! One of those doesn't surprise me.

Yeah, so prep, which is short for, I think, preparation. Yeah. Sick, which is preparation for school, even though it is technically the first year of primary school

in Australia. Yeah. Then you've got grade one, two, three, four, five, six. So you usually finish grade six when you're 12. That's the end of primary school in Australia. Yep. Then you've got grade 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. So you usually finish grade 6 when you're 12. That's the end of primary school. You have a weird graduation. Then you chuff off to somewhere else.

Yep. Then you chuff off to another school, high school. And that's year 7, 8, 9, 10. And you notice what happened there. Grade 6, year 7. Hmm. We go from grades to years for some reason. Unknown reason, but that's the ticket.

You say grade 7, it feels wrong. If anyone, even Australia, if you say grade 7, that's a smack in the mouth. Yeah. That's an old... That's a bashing. That's a trim on the jaw. It's an old shaky haircut. Go on. Haircuts, hairies,

I don't know. Year 7, 8, 9, year 10, year 11 and year 12. But the last two years are like the assessment years. They're like your prep for university. They're like that you need to take this seriously because what you do in these two years is so important.

It's not. Pro tip, if you're in those two years, who gives a fuck? I didn't do shit and look at me now. Not doing shit. I did pretty good, but it didn't matter. Yeah, I did pretty good, too. Actually, I did better than I should have done. I did nothing, and got a score where my teacher's like, if you tried.

I did the same thing. My mom was like, what if you tried? I'm like, I know, how funny. And then we just laughed, and my dad was like, I'm just a playboy. Go and put your name on the sheet and just sit there, though. You might as well finish. That's some genuine advice. You might as well. It's not hard.

Might as well finish. Much like sex, you might as well finish. Halfway through, you're like, I could just stop, but I might as well finish. Unless you're hungry to make a sandwich. Anyway, so yeah, high school finishes year 12, but the last two years, year 11, year 12 of VCE, which is where we get graded. Vice Kang.

No, it's Victoria. It's Victoria something. I'm guessing for other states, it'll be not VCE. It's all about Melbourne. CA. Melbourne's not the state. Melbourne is the city. Victoria is the state. There we go, Dusha. You forgot it. That's my side.

Explaining states and cities to Dusha. So yes, I reckon we're in high school age. Yeah, that's where we came from. We're at year eight, so 14. Good. Mum, and I think Dad died when we were about, let's say, 12. This is a new edition. Mum hasn't been dead.

Dad's only been dead for two years. So I think year one of Dad being dead was the original roster. This is the new roster. So I think Mum launching into a pre-existing marriage might not be too bad because that might be what she's missing out on. And that stability is something that she might want. Yeah, okay. So I would usually say that if you're jumping into a marriage

and they're cool with it, their marriage is clearly like a little unstable or whatever, which is fine because sometimes- I would disagree. Because they're in an open relationship and they're happy with that. Like we are at peace with who we are and we want a third person. Our marriage is fine. We're rocks.

You know the Ice Climbers is a solid. Well, that's what I mean. The problem is with their marriage is it's literally poison for them to be separated. That's the worry. That's why I think mom coming in, she doesn't have that bond. They're literally tethered together. It's just sad for mom. Maybe she'll be there, but it's not going to be as strong as those two.

That's true. It's just sad for Mom. Maybe she'll be there, but it's not going to be as strong as those two. That's true. It's always going to be like, even at her best day, it's going to be maybe an 8 out of 10. It's never going to be a 10 out of 10. Sort of like when James is in a plumbing. He's there, but it's not as strong as us three. Hey, James, if you're listening, please come back on the show. I miss you. You make everything

worthwhile. I've got a second tether just for you. Sorry. Yeah, you're right. I'll concede second tether just for you. Sorry. Yeah, you're right. You're right. I'll concede to that. Look, I think it'd be good. I think it might be what mum wants, but it might not be what she needs.

Yeah, it might be a bit damaging. I think it might be what she thinks she needs, but it won't actually be what she needs, and it's not what she wants. She'll get into it, and she'll be like, this is fun, and then she'll be lonely as fuck. Yeah. One of those relationships where poison. Poison relationship. But helping you with boys and girls, they are super good. fun and then she'll be lonely as fuck yeah one of those relationships where poison poison relationship but helping you with boys and girls they are super good they're like we look at this

unit well again also getting good cop bad cop again if you need like a nurturer you need like someone to be awful with teaching about girls so they'd be like does she dress the same as you but in pink no she's not the one yeah that's how we knew I saw have you got a bit of rope have you tried tethering to give her a matching hammer if you guys can spin around together

and hammer cunts good when you're not with each other do you get worse just in general not sad that's not what I mean

I mean like your physical skills everything just goes down from a 10 to a 5 from a 10 to about a 2 you're like i don't think anybody works like you two and they're like what did you say the fuck did you say go to your room you're like god damn it so i think out of a 10, Charizard, a hot four. I was fishing for a four.

Four. Okay, four. Fine. He's the best Pokemon to have as a dad in the game, but he's still a Pokemon. Yeah. He's still just a... I'm going to give you a three now that I'm actually thinking about it. Thank God.

I thought I bamboozled you. I was like, well, if everybody's saying four, but no, like three. Like two. He's a dragon. Ice Climber's a good seven, I would say. Or six. I reckon they're pretty good. Let's go 6.5. I reckon it's bad for your mum. It's fine for you, but... Initially, though, it'd be good. I think it'd be

pretty good. I feel like what you don't need when you've got a dead husband is seeing a married couple who are just so happy with each other. Yeah, but for a while, mum would be a part of that. For a while. For a while. And maybe they might even give her another tether.

You could have a three-way tether thing going on. It's not. It's Ice Climbers playing as our mum in Smash Bros. It's Ice Climbers Zamit, not Ice Climbers plus mum. Ice Climbers could be more. It needs to be more than one. It is just the plural of

Ice Climber. So climbers could mean more. It needs to be more than one. It is just the plural of ice climber. I know. So really, you're right. You're correct, Duja. It is ice climbers, which includes both two of my mums and dad. Dad and mum one and two. I'm going to say it's 6.5. I'll give you that.

All right. 6.5. 6.5. All right. Is it me? It's definitely you. Can I go? Yep.

Wario. Wrong. Next. Okay. All right. Is it me? It's definitely you. Can I go? Yep. Wario. Wrong. Next. Okay. All right. No. I'm just going to write zero next to Wario, and that's where your starting point is, Jackson. You need to try and build that up.

Imagine Wario at a barbecue. He's the life of the party. He'd eat the barbecue. He's wearing an apron that's like, fuck the cook. Yeah. Fuck the cook. Fake tits. Yeah.

He'd hit on mum's friends. You're like, Wario, you are a blast. Yeah, he'd probably hit... Wario's the kind of person that would hit on my female friends from high school. He's so dirty. He's so dirty. He literally eats people. He's got a sick motorbike.

Which he eats. Then he can bring sick motorbike. Which he eats. Then he can bring it back again. When he crashes it, it explodes. He'd be like, I'll take you to school this morning. And you're like, on the motorbike? And he's like, it's fine. Get on the back. Where's my helmet, Wario?

Only have it for one. And that is me. He's going to make people at the barbecue cry. Straight away. Wario has unpopular opinions on emigration. Also, Wario is the type of... I haven't. We stopped the boats.

Wario is the drunk uncle with strong opinions. Wario thinks farts are funny. Farts are pretty funny. Not to the extent of him. Like, apocalypse-causing farts. I. Farts are pretty funny. Not to the extent of him. Apocalypse causing farts. I'll agree, yes, Jackson. They're very funny, but not to the point of Wario. Wario's are damaging, I suppose.

He can blow up his motorbike with them. And then they bring you back. There's going to be like, when you take a bite of sausage, it's going to be, mmm, mmm, it tastes like ass. It tastes a little bit like asshole. Do you know how much garlic is Wario's equivalent of one-up mushrooms and shit? a sausage it's gonna be like oh you look over at the barbecue it's like three sausages and then just a heap of garlic you're like mario i mean i don't think anybody called me dad no i don't think anybody likes garlic anywhere near as much as you.

I'll just wham. You know, when I turn 16, he's going to buy me a whore. I'm not going to ask for it. He's going to be like, come out with me on the bike. I've got the present for you. He'll be like, oh, okay. And then he pulls up out of the dingiest brothel in the world. Any girl you want.

It's like track marks on them, but there's still three needles just sticking out of their arm that they've forgotten about. And he's not going to make me leave until we at least get a gross handjob. Yeah, he's going to do it too. He's going to be like, no, I'm going to get my feel. We're going to be in the same room. Don't tell your mom. Although he'd call your mom,

he'd make you call him dad, but he'd never refer to your mom as her name. He was just like your mother. Yeah, or Stacey. Like, he might just use her first name around you. That's true. He probably would, actually. Call me Dad.

Hey, Stacey, give me a beer. Yeah. Okay. Barbecues. Barbecue. Bad. Pretty good. Could also eat the barbecue.

That's good for clean up. And could get power from that, which is worrying. Okay. And also, in a barbecue, he's not going to know he's done bad. He's going to think it was a roaring success. He doesn't learn from his mistakes. I feel like he'd be the type of person who would then go like, same time next week.

I feel like he would be the type of person who's gay slurs to refer to your friends. Yeah. He's going to call all my friends. You and your hom your friends. Yeah. He's gonna call all my friends faggots. You and your homo friends. He's gonna call all my boyfriends Boyfriends. My friends who are boys faggots. And then he's gonna try and hit on all my friends who are girls.

Yeah. Who again, I'm gonna repeat, are 14. Okay, well, barbecues are no. So barbecue, red hot are zero. Okay, what? If youanging your mom, zero. He'd be sweaty. He'd be sweaty. He would get any sort of gross smell.

He'd be all about anal. I just feel like he'd be pushing mom to do anal. Wario doesn't have vaginal sex. He's like, no, Wario goes, no, when you're the pussy, it's all ass for Wario. I hope Nintendo used that as... Like when you're selecting a character

and you press A Wario only does it up the butt he'd say bum for sure up the bum gross I'm sure he'd be

the one to be like hey hey kid come here smell my thumb that's your mother's asshole he'd be like oh my god

smell the rest of my hair guess what okay it's me Wario so banging moms He'd be like, oh, you... Oh, my God. Smell the rest of my hair. Guess what? Okay. It's me, Wario. So, banging mom's... Mom might be into it. Well, hey, mom chose him.

Mom chose him. She's staying with him for at least a couple days. So, look, he's living with us, so I'm guessing for a while. No, no, no, a couple of days. He moved in first aid. You're right. Other people would take some time to move in. Wario's like, I'm a crashing on your couch.

Look, I got nowhere to stay for reasons. I'm gonna move in. They won't let me back at the hotel. I feel he has gambling debts that are gonna fuck us. In bed one night you just hear a car pull up.

You look at it and you're like, who the fuck are those guys? Wario's like, get out of here. Gunshots. There's going to be a brick through the window. No, a barrel through the window. Donkey Kong. How does he own Donkey Kong money? Donkey Kong's an ape.

Also, Waluigi would just be over all the time and just sitting on the couch just being all sad. Wario would be pressuring Mum to get in the three-way with I don't think Waluigi's even into it as well Waluigi's like, Wario, please, Mum Yeah, but he'd be pushing it Okay, so sex with Mum's a zero What were the... Bullies! Wario is your bully Okay

And he could eat your enemies No, he'd be on their side He'd eat you Dad, Dad Oh well, Wario, I wouldn't call him Dad And he could eat your enemies. No, he'd be on their side. He'd eat you. I'd be like, dad, dad. Oh, well, Wario. I wouldn't call him dad. Wario. You know, these bullies have been picking on me.

What do you want? And like, why are they picking on you? I'd be like, oh, because I did good on my math test. And they're like, well, you shouldn't have done good on your math test, you piece of shit. Yeah, he called me a nerd. Nerds get a swirlies. And then he dunked me in the toilet. Yeah.

Last nerd friend I have is Dr. Mario. I think he might have been just a warrior pretending to be Dr. He's a plumber. He has a, you know, high school education. Why you make me think about my past? Where's the Waluigi? Where? Where?

Where? I think he gets angry, eats the couch. And then he might hit me. Oh, definitely. No, he'd shoulder charge you. Let's get serious. That's where he gets a fucking Viking helmet and just skewer you. Okay.

Uh-huh. He gets drunk a lot too, by the way. Boys slash girl troubles. Up the bar! If I was like, Dad, I think I'm gay. Why are you calling him Dad again? Mario. Warrior.

Why did you call me? I think I'm having some weird feelings for my best friend, John. That's not going to go down well with Wario. You may get beat to death. Definitely disowned by Wario. I blame mum for dating Wario. This is on you. Why would you let this man into the house?

I feel like he'd be the type where your mom would also break up with him and he would just be like, Where are Wario gonna live? He'd just hang around a lot. And stay on the couch. Mom's gonna cry. Mom's gonna be crying a lot.

And then if we had any girl advice, he'd be like, Treat him mean, keep him keen. That's his advice. Eat a lot of garlic. Eat a lot of garlic. Treat him mean, keep him keen. I do advice eat a lot of garlic eat a lot of garlic i'd like i do mean i do imagine mom breaking up with wario and then wario just sleeping in on his bike i guess in his car he has a car and someone kind of she's just out the front yeah you're gonna call the cops

and the cops are gonna come yeah yeah yeah okay donkey kong will come and repossess the car it's like he's become a mob boss but isn't aware he's a mob boss like somebody comes in and he's just got some stupid fucking buggy like whoo basically like Donkey Kong you know you got you know vini hadn't paid up he's like he's like uh good okay so the warrior is probably worse than zero he's almost donkey kong levels are bad he's probably the worst human being

character in the game by far okay he would have some lasting psychological trauma you were seeing a therapist but for your mum. And so is my mum. And your extended family. And maybe some of your good friends. Not even good. You wouldn't have any good friends anymore. Okay.

Mario. In ten years, if there was a class action lawsuit because he diddled some of your friends, I would be like, yeah. Not surprised. Not surprised. Him and fucking Falco had like a weird ring going on. It's not good. Okay.

It's not good. Wario was a bad choice. Yep. You started at zero. You can only go up from here. I started at zero, went back. I'd say he's a negative five. At least.

Negative ten would be if he just killed you. Okay. He's getting close. Okay, here's my second one. Uh-huh. King Dedede. Royalty. You get a castle in Dreamland.

He has a hammer, and he's got waddle-doos and dees. Pets would be alright. Pets would be- I don't know, I think they're alive. He's a penguin, isn't he? Yeah, well, yes, in clothes. He dresses a bit like Santa. That's pretty good. Okay, barbecues, flippers, cannot use

tongs. He's really big. He'd struggle with doors as well, but he doesn't have the Pokeball good. Okay, barbecues, flippers cannot use tongs. He's really big. He'd struggle with doors as well. But he doesn't have the Pokeball solution. Yeah. King Dedede might just stay outside. And I figure if he's a king, I'm guessing he's going to have to go away on royal business, so I guess we're moving to his castle.

In Dreamland, which is full of rad cops. Here's a dream. So we've uprooted our whole life to now go and live in dreamland. I'm going to have some teenage angst because I've been separated from my parents. Then you get friends with one of the sword guys. They're slippy boots. Not Meta Knight. He's going to try and kill Dad.

Stepdad. King Dedede. I'd call him Dad. Meta Knight's not going to try and kill... I'd call him King Dad. King Dad. Kirby will. Kirby will try and kill Dad.

Dad's got a lot of people after him also we're gonna move to Dreamland and I'm gonna be like having a walk and all of a sudden there's gonna be

this tree dropping apples and blowing air at me trying to fight me everything's alive in Dreamland which I guess is an issue

so that's bad but also magical and whimsical and kind of fun yeah right right new experience it would

you would definitely, like, again, you're in high school, like, no, you're in university and you're telling people about your upbringing, like, yeah,

I was in Dreamland. I lived in Dreamland for a while. That's like you being in a foreign country and coming back. That might have a weird accent.

I live in Dreamland. You know, like, that's... Okay. You know the person that goes overseas for, like, a gap year and they come back

and they tell you all about their fucking adventures and everything's about that. Those people. You'd be that but for Dreamland. There are no humans in Dreamland, though. So socializing is going to be weird.

You're going to be like, this sword guy? I guess he's my best friend. And he's just going to be like, yeah! Because none of them can talk. Why am I working against myself? Barbecues. A lot of rad characters there. So barbecues a lot of rad characters there so barbecues uh oh he's oh the barbecue's gonna be talking um and you'll probably eat the barbecue and then get fire breathing powers

yeah yeah i feel like oh but food gives you health back in kirby so maybe it'll just be sometimes it makes you breathe fire. Yeah, it does. Which is kind of cool, though. Yeah, that's pretty rad. No, but uncontrollably. Oh, that's less cool. Well, Kirby gets to choose.

No, he doesn't. No, he doesn't. Yeah, you're right, you're right. It's just instant hot breath, and you run around really quick because you're really hot, breathing fire. But I feel like King Dedede's not even using the barbecue. I feel like it's Waddle Doos and Dees.

Yeah, that's even worse. And I, all topped on top of each other, trying to function with a barbecue. One of them's accidentally going to cook themselves, and you're going to end up eating it. Yeah. Wow, did nobody intervene? Everyone was like, that's probably sausages. Okay, so let's hit barbecuing. A hot

one? I'd say it's close to a one. I'd say probably a zero. Point five. Give me a point five. King D.D. dealing with bullies. How good? He close to a 1. I'd say probably a 0. 0.5. Give me a 0.5. King Dedede dealing with bullies. How good. He's like, boom, boom,

waddles up to them, smack them. Makes a warrior noise. I don't know what noise King Dedede makes. Can he, like a Freddy Krueger, go into a dreamland? I think so.

I think he lives in dreams, so he could probably go into the bully's dreams and be like, hey, I'm a fat penguin. Yeah. So he could Inception them. Yeah. Which is good. That's he could probably go into the bully's dreams and be like, Hey, I'm a fat penguin. Yeah. So he could inception them. Yeah. Which is good.

That's good for bullies. That's really good for bullies, because you don't hate him, you love him. He's your good friend. He can do the inhale thing Kirby can, he just doesn't get their powers. Oh, that's also good. So he inhales my bullies, shoots them out of stars. That's got to be traumatizing. That's a good threat.

Do you want to be a star for like- I think rather than threatening with physical violence, I would say inceptioning your bullies so that they want to be your friends or at least stop hassling your grapes. Which segues creepily into boy slash girl problems. King Dad, I like this girl slash boy. He's going to inception them so they like me. I'm going to be questioning my relationship with everybody.

Do I know he can Inception? I think... I also think of him as King Dedede. What if he Incepted me? There's a reason you call him King Dad. Not just Dedede. That's a weird name. Dad, Dad, Dad. King Dad, Dad, Dad.

Now I'm going to feel like if... Even aside from that, he's a king and a penguin, so you're like, hey, I'm having girl troubles, and he's like, I just honestly can't comprehend that. Would he have like a royal consort? He has a lot of waddle-dees and doos. I don't know if he's fucking any of them, but, well, it wouldn't surprise me.

Because you could have your pick of the litter. I don't know what a fuck a lot will do. Some of them can shoot beams. That's pretty good. He's very, very fat, and even in Smash Bros., it's hard for him to get places. So that's an issue. You're doing a lot of shit for King Dedede

when he's in your house. You're getting him the remote, even if the remote's just on the table in front of him, because he's like, eh, with his flippers. So, like, that's, I mean, that's a hassle. Bagging mum. Mum's doing all the work. Just like Wario, he's pretty sweaty. But do penguins sweat?

He'd be slippery. He'd be slick. And his fur would be oily and gross. Penguin oil. Also, I feel like he'd just lie there and she'd be on top. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. He's not a very generous lover. Or at all.

Plus, I don't know if you can pleasure a vagina with a beak in any kind of comparable sense. And would he have a cloaca? Oh, yeah, he would. Penguins don't have wangs. Do they? I think they have a cloaca. Would he be like... You don't know what a cloaca is, do you, Jackson?

It's like a little weird vagina butthole. I think they have a cloaca. Would he be like... You don't know what a cloaca is, do you, Jackson? It's like a little weird vagina butthole. No, hang on. I got super confused. I got super confused. No. No, I was thinking of... What's a penis burn called? Baculum or something?

Yeah, baculum. That's what I thought for a second. But no, you're right. I do... I know what both are. I called you out on the wrong thing, though. You did. He might have a kawako.

He also might have a penis burn. No, he'd have a kawako. Would he try and curl you up at his feet like an egg? That's kind of cool. He'd be like, keep you warm under my fat. That's a time. That's not a good one. Hey, Jackson, you might be the rare zero from 20 here.

I feel like this whole time I've been working against myself. Like, here's a good idea and here's why it's bad. The Jackson Bailey story. So, King Dedede, I'm going to give you a one. He's royalty. He's rich. Maybe. Plus, he lives in Dreamland.

Yeah. But then again, you're having to uproot your whole life to go there. So, back to zero. No, no, no. Royalty and riches because Mum might just be a gold digger. He gets dreamland. Yeah. But then again, you're having to uproot your whole life to go there. So, no, back to zero. No, no, no. Royalty and riches because mum might just be a gold digger. He gets a one. Yeah. Hey, at the very least, when mum comes out of that relationship to date whoever douche

has got in store for us, we come away with some cool gifts. Yeah. And maybe a waddle do because I think they're his slaves. So. I like that we've gone from a nice time, but the wrong kind of time with the ice climbers to then be just abused by Wario, to then be like, maybe this King Dedede is going to be all right, to also being just the worst.

Hopefully, our shining light. Dusha, what have we got? Mum has a weird thing for animals, guys. Well, I've gone closer to the human path, sort of. Okay. So, a big problem with King Dedede is he doesn't have any hands what if he was just a hand what if he was the master hand mom would be in for a sick time where does master hand live how does master hand get around he walks on his fingers how does he communicate

does mom come home one day and we're like mom's got a new boyfriend She comes inside the house and she's like Hey Jackson, Joel, Joel We're triplets now Sure Jackson, Joel, Joel My new boyfriend's coming around I'm sorry about King Dedede I'm very sorry about Wario

He's a little different Opens the door A hand walks in Here's the entrance That conversation happens Then all of a sudden you hear And you look up And the roof is being lifted off Or a hand walks in on his face. Here's the entrance. That conversation happens. Then all of a sudden you hear, and you look up,

and the roof is being lifted off. And then hand slaps down. And then he does that weird handshake thing when he hurts his hand. I just love the idea of the roof lifting off and just a disembodied white gloved hand is like, hello, I'm your... My name's Master Hand. I'm not trying to be your dad.

I'm just trying to be your friend. And you give it a shake on just one finger. One little finger, yeah. Because how big is Master Hand in I'm not trying to be your dad, I'm just trying to be your friend. And you give it a shake on just one finger. One little finger, yeah. Because how big is Master Hand in comparison to Mum? He can hold Mum. It's like a King Kong hand. Yeah, King Kong hand. King Kong sized hand.

Roughly. On a hand scale, it's King Kong sized. Barbecue. Easy. First of all, can generate fire. Okay. That's good. That's also good.

Second of all, is a hand. Could easily hold stuff. Okay, but... He's big. In a guess, he's big. Just using his fucking thumb as a pointer finger. Big barbecue. Yeah, it's a big barbecue.

That would be a lot of sausages. Or a lot of wasted space. I guess you'd be inviting a lot of people over. Because you have a lot of friends. Because Master Dad's a... Master Dad. Master Dad. Master Dad.

Is anybody coming to the barbecue because the last barbecue Wario was the worst, though? You have to be like, it's not... Wario's not... There's going to be no garlic in the vicinity. My new dad's a bit strange. He's no Wario. He's no Wario. I think barbecue is fine.

What's he like for conversation? He's... Like, what's he like for conversation? He's... Like, what's he like when people are like, oh, hi, you're Stacy's new boyfriend? He has an evil laugh in the game. And he has like a defeated noise that's like vocal-ish. So if you know how you make like a mouth with your hand and talk? I hope that is how he talks.

Yes. I'm just going to make some liberties with Master Hand and say he can talk, but he's got to do that. We could extrapolate and say that's the case. So is he like well, hi there, my name's Master Hand. Just to explain to our listeners, because we didn't explain that at all, close your fists, talk with your thumb. A recent trend in all

of our episodes is hand movements we explain in detail. It's happened like ten times. Like a sock puppet. No, not like a sock puppet. Not like a sock puppet where you're talking like that. You can hear this sound and that's what you know what this is. Not a sock puppet. We're talking that you clench your fist,

you put your thumb under the index finger and then you draw an eye under your knuckle. Yeah, you draw two eyes. Well, I... My name's Master Hand. What do you do? I, uh... Live in space.

Final destination. Sick house. Sometimes... You know those Italian brothers, all of which are monsters? Often I fight them. I'm very familiar with them. I'm intimately...

I'm intimately familiar with War I just realized that making a hand gesture like what we'll be making a talk with it looks like a pet rock anyway okay I think he's pretty good at barbecues yeah I think I'd enjoy a barbecue drawn by master hand bullies great he could just know he could just hold them and you could give him a stern talking to being like hey this is what happens when you fuck with me somehow i imagined him more going to like the principal and sitting down and crossing his fingers and being like we need to talk about this uh that's true he seems more reasonable for some reason this giant hand in my head is just a very reasonable guy yeah it makes sense i think it's because we know mario

and luigi well now. They probably are the bad guys in Smash Bros, to be honest. I can get him with bullies. Yeah, pretty good. Making love to mom. Your fingers are real good. What is he though? She can grind on his finger, but he's a bit

too big for penetration. Pinky, maybe? Just? No, mom's gotta do some yoga. Jesus, he's big. That's a lot of lube. He might only get a knuckle in. Yeah. Just the tip. I feel like it's probably not pleasant for Mum.

Plus, how do you pleasure Master Hand? Ah, Master Hand! A strap-on to one of his little digits. Oh, yeah. Or, Master Hand could eat a fucking poison mushroom and shrink. That's true. Smash Bros. Got you on the technicality.

Items. Could also eat a metal box and become Metal Master Hand. You could do that thing in the new one where you can get a jetpack. Yeah. There's a lot of options. Get a lightsaber. Real fucking shit. So I guess it's a hassle, though. You've got to have a budget for poison mushrooms. Yeah, it's a hassle though

you gotta have a budget for poison mushrooms yeah it's not happening terribly often not long dildo budget though it's a pretty occasional you don't want to be inside mum and the poison mushrooms I'm pretty sure there's a

there's a warning I think we're gonna hear that warning a lot he's so big that I know, but I'm pretty sure there's a warning, I think. We're going to hear that warning a lot. That's going to suck. No, it's not like... I think, like... He's so big that when him and Mum fuck, we're going to have to know. Because they'll probably have to do it in the backyard

because he can kind of fit. Good! For some reason, I can imagine... I don't... You know what? Not for some reason, I can imagine. I imagine this and I don't want to, but you know how you can get the chair hands?

Oh, yeah. Like when I'm saying that and mum... Like a Sibian? Oh, yeah. With a little wang sticking out of it. Wang sticking out there, it vibrates. Yes. He'd work like a chair kind of thing.

It's going to be weird sex, though, for mum, but I guess after Wario and King Dedede she's pretty happy for him and Achara's ass yeah like she's like and all the Smash Bros this is nice

this is nice this is normal she's just gotta sit down I kind of feel like Master Hand would be kind of quite attentive as well I mean he's not getting

anything out of it because he doesn't have genitals so wait what's can you go into him from like the wrist mom could wear him. Mum could crawl inside him, yes. We could

crawl inside him. I don't know if we should. I don't know if we should. I'm like, brothers, Joel! Let's not. I just... I just... We can't. We have to go to the therapist anyway. Might as well explore all our options

before we go to the therapist, though, Brother Jackson. Boy, the old troubles. He's a hand. Yeah, that one, that's the only one where he falls short. Because he could be reasonable, but I feel like he wouldn't be like, this is a hot tip. Yeah, I think he'd struggle because he's a hand.

I'd be like, I just don't know what to say to her, and he'd be like, hmm. I'm going to say that so far Master Hand's winning. Yeah, he's a good solid 8. Yeah, I was gonna say 8. Yeah. Woo! Woo! That's option 1. Who we got next? Who's the top Master Hand? Well, I kind of figured that

Master Hand wouldn't go down so well, so I picked, I guess more extreme in some sense of the word, but like i was like look this will cover some bases that master hand didn't okay so yeah i thought about it and i wanted to be like sort of reasonable so i'm going with crazy hand that's the other hand that is crazy twitchy as yeah can shoot lasers from his fingers i guess that's better sex for mom yeah he's off the

fucking rails it'd be sick you just never know what he's gonna do. But he fails in every other respect. No, but can shoot fire again. Barbecue's fine. No, barbecue's fine, but you're like, what are you doing? He's like, I'm Crazy Hand! What if he's like, barbecue, it's just fucking go punch a cop in the face! How good! Punching a cop? That's what I want my- imagine if you had to step down to punch his cops! That sounds like literally the worst time that sounds like wario wario is the worst crazy hand sounds like maybe he got out of like an institution and we don't know until something goes terribly wrong and then we're like got out of an institution but we're not sure if he got released or escaped yeah exactly crazy hand feels like i should put like a pillow he's wiry that's. Now you're fucking in my boat.

You were so good with Master Hand. You'd won. I still win. Master Hand's still the best. Crazy Hand with bullies kills your bullies and then leaves the bullies out at the end of your bed and he's like I did it! And you're like, oh my god, I'm in such trouble.

Well, basically, look, I'm on 9.5, you're on 8 so Crazy Hand has to get at least a 2. Okay, basically, look, I'm on 9.5. You're on 8. So Crazy Hand has to get at least a 2. Okay, well, Barbecue, he can light a fire. Yeah, but he's going to ruin Barbecue. He vibrates, so fucking Mum will be alright. Yeah, look, he wins in the sex, bang, and Mum category. I reckon I can get at least a 1 out of that.

Yeah, that's a 1. I'll give that a 1. Mum enjoys it more. Is this a scenario where Master Hand's like, I'm'm so sorry stacy but uh my brother from upstate has come down and he'll be staying with us for a bit and mom's like she's just had a rough time so she does the dirty with crazy good pairing master hands a bit boring but he's an eight he's an eight he's an eight after like imagine master's a little too polite where Mom's looking for a,

based on her fucking date history. She wants a bad boy. She wants, and he's wiry, like, he's almost- She does ate two fatties before the Hand brothers.

Wiry, he's, has slenderer fingers, so he might be able to be like, whoop! Yeah, that's true. Also, he looks exactly kind of like Master Hand,

so the transition's not going to be too weird for him. I think Master Hand would just be like... He'd be like, can we get inside Master Hand? He'd be like, yeah! Crazy Hand. Crazy Hand would be like... I think that Crazy Hand, he'd be... Boy-girl trouble, though.

Master Hand had nothing with that. Crazy Hand would probably just be like, the fucker! Fuck him! That would be the worst advice. Yeah. He just be like, The fucker! Fuck him! Who cares? Worst advice. Yeah.

He'd be like, Fuck him! Kill a dog for them! Girls love it when you kill animals! That's what I mean! He'd be good value! He would just be so off the rails! I think he'd be too off the rails.

He'd be sick. He wouldn't be creepy like Wario off the rails, though. He'd just be like, what's for dinner? What's for dinner? A burnt cop car. Sick. He's going to rock mum's world.

I'm not denying this. Oh, for sure. Like, fucking mum is just going to be, like, sexually satisfied after Crazy Hand. But for everything else. Barbecue. Barbecue. He's too much of a wild card. He's too much of a wild card.

Actually, he controls lasers pretty well. He can cut the sausages sick as. Yeah, but then he's also probably going to accidentally, on purpose, really cut a dog. Yeah. As long as it's not my dog. It might be. I think he's about a 1.5? 1.5?

1.5? 1.5? 1.5? Does that mean you guys are tied? We're tied. Oh, that means we need to go to... Lightning round! We need to pick a character straight off the bat.

Cannon Doff shit. Come on. Doosha, Doosha. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Toon Link. Fuck. Oh, no. A little boy, a very boring giant man. No, but we did the same thing

with fucking Ness. We're Agent Toon Link. Mute. Maybe also mute. No, Ganondorf talks. No, Ganondorf talks, but he's also... Slow. I feel like he'd be all anal all the time, though. Hairy, hairless.

I don't know if Ganondorf would be... Kind of grey, green. I don't know if Ganondorf would be about anal. I think he'd just be more like, you know, we're having sex now, and there'd be no way for Mum to Green? I don't know if Ganondorf would be about anal. I think he'd just be more like, you know, we're having sex now, and there'd be no way for Mum to say, I don't want it, not tonight. I think...

Okay, maybe not anal, but fisting. I think, you know what this actually comes down to? Does Mum want a boy or a man? No! And I think Mum wants a man. No! And Ganondorf is all man. Ganondorf's like...

And sometimes a hog. That's not good. Link has a boat. Mum doesn't need a boat. Mum might like sailing. That was so earnest. I can't deny that. Mum might like sailing. She might

hate hogs. That's true. Ganondorf doesn't always- He's got the- Ganondorf, actually, Ganondorf's got kind of an agenda. He's kind of always trying to take over the world. he's got the Ganondorf actually Ganondorf got a kind of an agenda he's kind of a force of power as well so he'd be scary links courageous he'd be brave but also links about a guy link is a better guy but he's too much of a goody-goody shoes nah mate yeah probably like oh links on Zelda no links a bit no links bit ladies always, Link's a bit lazy. Not always, love.

He's not that lazy. He saved the day often. Yeah, but think about how every single... Why am I arguing against myself? Ganondorf, driven. Yeah. He's got a goal and he goes through with it. Ganondorf, weird religion.

Link? Ganondorf comes from a village Where it's only ladies That would stress mum out Who you're hanging out with Oh you know Just my What are their names Not their names

Garudas Garudas yeah Yeah Also mum's like You actually You exist in your society And culture To impregnate

All those women That's actually like your job Isn't that That's how it works Yeah So like That's a weird time for mom. That's my past now.

Ganondorf's like, look, I've put a lot of time in now, Ganondorf. That's my past now. I've put it in the past. I've done that. That was my time as my king. You know what? You're going to have to dip into mom's savings to pay child support, mate. Ganondorf's got kids? Well, he will if he's impregnating all the Garudas.

But I figure, wouldn't Ganondorf have his own source of income? Yeah, but that's a lot. Sometimes he is still a hog. Smash Bros. Ganondorf is Ocarina of Time. Depends, which... Yeah, I think so. He's only in fucking Wii U, isn't he? Is he in Wii?

Is he in fucking GamCab? He's in all of them from Melee onwards. That's the thing with fucking your mate Ganondorf. I'm going to make you pick a game without knowing which Ganondorf. Are you picking Melee, Brawl, or the newest one, Smash Bros 4?

Melee. Damn it. Which Ganondorf is that? Ocarina of Time because the next one is Twilight Princess which is the one that turns into a hog

and also he's way older well you've picked a Ganondorf that is maybe 35, 40 good even if we age him up he's still a child no, that's good wacky hijinks Toon Link, like, even if we age him up, we can't age him. He's still a child. He's still a boy too. No, that's good. Wacky hijinks.

Toon Link has seen some shit. Everyone forgets he would wake up against a dark and a boat. That's true. He stabs Ganondorf in the face. That's not good. Yeah, but like... Not a hog. Okay, let's go.

Okay, barbecue situation. We'll barbecue off. Who's going to be the best barbecuer? Adult Toon Link or Ganondorf? I'm going to put Ganondorf. Really? How's he starting the barbecue? Because I know how fucking...

With a fucking fire lighter? Well, okay. I don't know. Is Toon Link using a bomb? No, he's using a bow. He has fire arrows. Oh my god, hassle. No, that's easier.

Shoot underneath it. Oh my god. Hey Oh my god, hey Young adult Toon Link Can you come over and light this fucking barbecue Bow and arrow, bang I'm like, you could have just fucking turned the door off Can you light this? He's like, okay No, Ganondorf has fire punches

I feel like he tried to punch it But I think Ganondorf's a reasonable man Excuse me? I know sometimes he's a hog No, Ganondorf's a reasonable man He's me? I know sometimes he's a hog. No, Ganondorf's a reasonable man. He's smart enough to know how a webber works. He is an idiot a lot of the time. He gets killed by a child.

Yeah, but as a dad, you know, I feel like he's... And also, if he's impregnating a whole village, he's got dad experience. No, he's been around the block a couple times. He's deadbeat dad. Maybe he wants to atone for his deadbeatness and now he's using us. He's settling down

with Stacey and using us as a way to atone for his deadbeatness. I like how I turn on a dime. Like that. It's good for me. Nah, I don't think he is. Is he coming down to me? Am I choosing? Barbecue though? I think Ganondorf. Well, I don't think he is. Is it coming down to me? Am I choosing? Barbecue, though? I think Ganondorf.

Well, I think Link would be... Because Link has more equipment to cook a barbecue. You don't need that much equipment to make a barbecue. But he comes with it. I don't know why I keep clicking when I'm pointing at you. Here's what it comes down to. Oh, wait, wait. Does he have a horse?

Of course Link has a horse. Ganon has a horse. No, Toon Link doesn't have a horse. Toon Link has a boat, mate. He has a boat and a train. No horse. No, Toon Link doesn't have a horse. Toon Link has a boat, mate. He has a boat and a train. Mom doesn't want to move. We were in Dreamland for like a month. Mom doesn't care about

moving, but she can go sailing. This is what it comes down to. Mom is not settling down with Toon Link. Toon Link is a flash in the pan. Ganondorf, that's a keeper. He turns into a hog. Sometimes. Not all the time. I mean mean really?

Mum should have stayed with Master Hand Think about what happens at the end of Ocarina of Time He doesn't turn into a hog, it's like a giant monster There we go But he has a tail, it's like a lizard And he's got swords Not a hog I think Ganon wins

I mean Mum should stay with Master Hand. Master Hand was the clear winner because he was a nice guy. That's Ganon, not Ganondorf. Yeah. But I think Ganon wins. It's the same person.

I think Zammert wins this one. We've only gone to barbecue. Yeah. Bullies though? Ganondorf's gonna do a lot better than fucking No, Ganondorf will kill them. Toon Link will kill them too.

No, Toon Link will... When has Toon Link ever not been like oh this is the bad guy yeah yeah stabbed bombed bow and arrow league has had boys before and turns them into friends skyward sword made an end or is going to probably get awful problem okay what does Ganondorf do in Ocarina of Time he makes friends with the king and kills him. He's good for long gone.

He imprisons Zelda. He tricks Link into opening the Temple of Time. See, Wily. That's what you want in a stepdad. Wiles. Oh, fucking... Oh, no. I was going to... Wily works now.

I was like, oh, you didn't want Wily fucking crazy, but that's because he was Wily. Yes. Wily, he's smart. Basically you didn't want Wily fucking crazy but that's because he was wiry yes Wily he's smart basically he's gonna be he's gonna give you

good life lessons because he's smart enough to like trick you into admitting that you've done his wrong you know in the Sopranos and stuff like that how like you always

feel terrible he's kind of a mafia dad plus boy girl trouble he's like imprison them I guess he's like imprison them or just impregnate the village.

Boy-girl trouble with Toon Link, he's like, I don't know. Sometimes you go on an adventure. No, sorry, he's not. He's like, yeah, yeah. Link is a great listener. He's a great listener, but he would also be like, no, the whole friendship token shit, I feel he'd be

a very proponent of that. He's got weird values. No, Link... Depends on the Link. Toon Link, though. So I think, really... Toon Link's chill as! I think it really comes down to how you bang Mum. So... Toon Link... Ganondorf, clear winner.

Really? And... Stacey, our Mum doesn't want a boy doucher she wants a man and Ganondorf is all man I would, okay that's fair I'll pay that out Ganondorf

I'm pretty sure when Ganondorf comes, he's silent as a grave whereas Link Yeah! Ganondorf laughs, like, has an evil chuckle all the time. Yeah. Probably not on orgasm. Not on orgasm. I would feel he's just a grunt. He shoots lightning!

He'd be a grunt. He shoots lightning! We, as triplets, Joel Joel Jackson, wouldn't hear a bar of that. All of the dads, he's the only one we don't hear having sex with mom. No, he's not. Yes.

Think about who else? Maybe ice climbers we don't hear. Think about the final fight in Ocarina of Time. He makes so much noise. That's him fighting, not fucking. This is not him making love.

There's a difference. Ganondorf would never make love. Oh, he would make sweet tenders. We were talking about Ganondorf's a real man. At the start of this argument. We'll take mom. I know at the start

we were like, he's a rapey guy. He's a rapey guy. But I don't think there's ever any evidence for that. Exactly. Just because he's evil. He takes everything by force. Yes, but not love.

Not love. Not our hearts. Not our mum's heart. Plus, you know, I feel like Ganondorf's the kind of guy who's like, you go to a school dance, he goes and he like, he takes you, drives you there. If you're like, Ganondorf, you know, I've been out drinking. He's like, I'll come pick you up. I'm mad, but I'll come pick you up I'm mad but I'll come pick you up

he's stern but also passionate unlike Toon Link has a horse sure it's a fiery evil looking fucking horse but it's still a horse he's a redhead though that's pretty gross red pubes it doesn't I think cross with the straws Jackson

I don't know why I went with Toon Link, to be honest. I almost said Little Mac. That's a great one. You could have gone with that. Could have. Little Mac's got a career. He's fucking handsome, yeah. What?

We Trainer would have been good. Oh, fuck. You fucked up. I did. I got put on the spot. I thought I fucked up, but it turns out... No. Ganondorf.

Ganondorf. Mom wanted a man. And I feel like Ganondorf would be a great stepdad. I feel like he'd listen to you. No, he wouldn't. I feel like he'd look after you. I feel he would instill some values like some, like, not maybe, not good values, but at least values.

Whereas the other ones... Mum's getting killed. Like, she's dying. She's dead. By Link's hand? No. What would probably happen is Ganondorf would do something that would result in her being killed. Not by Link, but just he would probably kill her or throw her out there as a... That's the thing, Ganondorf's all about self-preservation.

He fucks over his allies so many times to save himself. I sort of imagined that with all of these, though, they were sort of settling down with Mum. It wasn't like Wario was like, anyway, I'm fucking off to get treasure. He's like, yeah, Mum is dumping them. They're not getting... No.

They're not being... I still feel like she's dying in this situation. I's like... Mum is dumping them. They're not getting... No. They're not being... I still feel like she's dying in this situation. I feel like Ganondorf only brings bad times. I feel like Ganondorf might go crazy possessive, like, gotta protect her. And maybe in that, she might accidentally die. He's the opposite of that, though. No, but I reckon Stacey could turn him.

Yeah, I reckon Stacey. I reckon Mum could turn him. Oh, well, if things are turning things, then maybe Link will start talking. I think Ganon wins. Okay, fine. Yes! Hit me up on Twitter and we'll discuss how wrong Xamarin is out of when he can't see it.

And on that note, I've been the clear winner, Joel. I fucked myself. And I've been Jackson. I'm Salty and I'm Joel Dusha. If you have any stepdads that you think are better than Ganondorf and to be honest there's a few

so many my real stepdad maybe hit us up on Twitter at SansPantsRadio we all have individual Twitters

that we respond to quite frequently as well they're on our website if you've got any questions or queries email us at SansPantsRadio at gmail.com we We check it pretty regularly.

Also, fun fact that we've never brought up before, because we have a Facebook page, you can message us like you message your Facebook friends.

We also often reply to those. If we don't, it's probably on you. Us out. Bam! I was doing Master Hand, jeez.

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