Plumbing the Death Star - Which Super Smash Bro would Make the Best Step-Dad? (Feat. Edgoose)

Episode Date: November 2, 2015

In which our heroes use their up B, grab a super smash, and try to unlock all the secret characters while wondering which Super Smash Brother would make the best step-dad. We look at the unpleasantness that is the Mario family, our mothers weird animal fetish, and age Ness ten years. Jackson loves deadbeat Samus, Zammit accuses Falco of sex crimes, and Duscher does his best to defend his beloved Nintendo characters. So join us as we rank our mother’s potential lovers on an arbitrary scale involving barbecues and dealing with our High School bullies. It’s a strange way for mum to find love, but who are we to judge? Her son. That’s who we are. And Donkey Kong is the absolute worst option. Mum. Stop dating an ape. Please.Want to help in building a new family structure? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in teaching kids Jigglypuff isn’t a sex toy. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least ten books about Super Smash Bros cheat codes.Want to come see just how handsome we really are? Well now’s your chance as we’re doing another live show on the 10th of December. Just head to https://sanspantslive.eventbrite.com.au for more information and to book your ticket now! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sandspans Radio, baby, you're a firework. which character from the original Super Smash Bros. game would make the best stepdad? Okay, so what we're going to do is very similar to what we did with the Mortal Kombat episode. Or Hammer Movie Monsters. Or Hammer Movie Monsters. Is just go through the Smash Bros. characters and just see how they would go up against each other as we're going to have a stepdad off. It's going to be a good old fashioned stepdad off.

Alright, so the original characters I don't have a list in front of me, so I'm just going to try and, I think you've got a list in front of you Zammett but I'm going to read this from my memory. I'm not going to read anything, I don't have anything. So you're going to go into your mind palace. Hop in your mind palace real quick. You look like you're taking a mean shit but you're not quite sure

why. As I'm wearing pants and in the studio you can understand my confusion am i shitting um okay so there is mario okay so let's talk mario as a stepdad okay so i was getting ready to just fucking no no we'll go through each one individually mario's stepdad i think mario as a stepdad he was a bad first character to pick but also he'll be exactly like he is in every video game where he would be very middle of the road. He wouldn't be a bad stepdad, he wouldn't be a good stepdad, he'd be a good stepdad for starters

but when you But when you're in the fucking primo high level stepdadding But when you want your advanced stepdadding, like you've had enough, you've got some stepdad experience under your belt yeah he'd take you to soccer practice but he wouldn't take you to maccas after you know what i mean like he'd be there but it's not like he doesn't want to take you like it's not like it's just he doesn't consider it like if you're in the car

afterwards and you'd be like uh hey um mario do you reckon we could go to mcdonald's after he'd be like oh i yeah i mean okay of course we can. Let's-a go! Let's-a go! I completely forgot! He would consider himself as much as a failure as you would, because, like, he's too busy to be a stepson. Yeah, he'd also be like, I have to go save a princess. He'd be like, that's not my mum, Mario.

In between saving kingdoms, going go-kart racing. Rather than saving your princess, Mario, why don't you save your wife and be like, my mum. Why don't you save your wife, my mom? Why don't you save your stepson from the big bad king hunger via McDonald's after soccer practice, Mario? That seems like something you've said before.

You're a sassy little child. Let's-a go, Mario. Let's-a fucking go right here, right now, mate. It's not like I don't love your mom. It's just I'm kind of sworn to save the princess. We're not a thing. We're not an item. It's just, you know.

You know what mom does every time that you're out there saving your goddamn princess? Mom, I'm here. She cries, Mario. If I don't save the princess, I know what I will. She'll get a... What about your brother, Mario? What about your goddamn brother? What about your god damn brother?

Spending so much time busting ghosts That he has no time to Fuck you kid I'm doing the best I can I'm not trying to replace your dad You know I just want to be your friend I would like to reiterate that

Mario is technically a plumber from Brooklyn That's still his voice to be a friend. I would like to reiterate that Maro is technically a plumber from Brooklyn. That's still his voice. I know, I know. We're just going to keep the location, the setting in mind. Bring everyone down. He is a plumber from Brooklyn. So in between when he's not saving kingdoms or going go-kart racing or just having a party with his friends.

Or playing tennis or soccer or baseball or basketball. He still has to be a plumber. So he's not going to have any time for stepdadding. I don't see him being very attentive. Dad Mario, can you take me for a ride? Just call me Mario. I know you're having a go-kart competition. Can I come?

No, you don't have a card that's kind of a themed after you. That's probably a pretty good thing though. Like don't come to obviously incredibly dangerous go-kart races i think your mom would be pretty mad this shit is fury road you can't come with this i don't want to go go-karting you were too young he called him and that's how baby mario was allowed in the race and the kid dies in the race. He gets flattened by Bowser.

He's like, sorry, that's part of the game. I know, Bowser, it's not your fault. I can tell his mother. Lily. But this is an issue with Mario. It's, again, a good classic thing of a stepdad trying to have some fun with the kid, maybe takes him go-karting. Mario's not not gonna know how to go-kart normally I know I

feel he's gonna be like just be like a look we got like go cutting it like a festival like it's like a little carnival he's like pick up some of my bigger rocks before we go in it's likewise like so we can throw them out of the other go-karters if we want to win don't we banana I eat the peel if he's anything like you, Mario is in the game so there'll be a point where you accidentally trigger the fire mechanism and have him

throw fireballs, that will happen to him just parenting and it'll set his stepchild on fire because he won't know he's doing it, he'll be like ah oh I'm so sorry he'll step down like hey Mario I bought you a flower ah I'm so sorry. He's all stepped up. Hey, Mario, I bought you a flower. I'm so sorry.

It's uncontrollable. Eventually he gets arrested for growing shrooms. So I think overall, Mario, like I said at the start, just a solid five. Five out of ten. He's a middle-of-the-road father. All four out of eight. A little layman.

Who's next, Dusha, on your list of characters I'm remembering from the 1998 video game Super Smash Brothers from Nintendo 64? Luigi. Is Luigi, yes? Yes, Luigi is a hitting game.

I think he would be better than Mario. Luigi's humbler. He's got less to do. More attentive. Exactly. Yeah, because he wouldn't be like I've got to go save the princess. Mario's doing that. I've got time to do. More attentive. Exactly. Because he wouldn't be like, I've got to go save the princess.

Mario's doing that. I've got time for you. I've got to vacuum some ghosts, though, to save my brother. Yeah, but that happens so rarely. Yeah, that's twice. And I feel like, as his wife, as Lily, I've just decided to leave.

I figured. I don't understand. Like, if Luigi came in and was like, look, my brother is kidnapped. I have to go save him. I'd be like, fair enough. That's your brother. It's different to Mario being like, look, my brother is kidnapped. I have to go save him. I'd be like, fair enough. That's your brother. It's different to Mario being like,

this is just a random woman. This woman, I promise I'm not fucking. We're just friends. I'd be, literally, I'd be sus. And I feel that

that would breed an environment where the mom would be sus of Mario, which would reflect on me as a child to be like, so I'm not trustworthy about that Mario.

Whereas Luigi, the issue there is that he's a coward. Like, that guy is not going to stand up for you. He's going to be like, oh, classic stepdad scenario. The stepkid is being bullied at school. Mario would go in there and fireball that cunt. Luigi. Luigi would be like, well, maybe don't the next time. Don't antagonize them. Luigi would maybe go and speak to the boy's father, the parent,

and then he would get bullied. How great is it to imagine the kid comes home with a black eye and he's like, Luigi, do you reckon you could, you know, what do I do? And he's like, get in the car, get in the car. And they go, it's like a Mario Kart car. Drive up to the person's house, knock on the door. Then the guy's like what he's like nothing nothing never mind

lilly's like you are what what kind of a man are you you don't understand my brother i was living as a shadow. Mario, Mario, Mario! That's another problem you get as well. He would always be through, I guess, comparing himself to Mario. Lily, tonight can I wear the outfit? Can I put on

the red overalls tonight, Lily? Sad. Sad old Luigi. But Luigi can jump high. That's true! He's tall, he has a can jump high He's taller That's true He's taller, he has a better moustache He's a better, on paper He's a better role model as well He runs faster but he's slipperier

Always sliding onto the bar Mario, big belly, kind of fat, kind of a bit whatever Whereas Luigi kind of thin and trim Like he looks after himself He clearly, you know, put those values on the kid. Like, you know, Luigi is going to make the kid a home-cooked meal. Mario is going to take him out for a Big Mac. Exactly.

Almost at any time. Exactly. Or like Mario would leave money on the counter and be like, just sort yourself out. Yeah. Sort yourself out. Luigi's making lunches. And make you a delicious home-cooked meal.

Yeah. Luigi will cut you up a sandwich for school. Oh, easily. Mario's like, $20? Is that a good? 20 coins? 20 coins. Like, 200, that's enough, yeah?

Mario's always fucking collecting coins. He'd put out a bag of coins and be like, that's all I have. Go buy yourself something nice. Buy yourself a one-upper mushroom order. It's weird. It's so easy to imagine Mario as kind of a deadbeat and being like, hey, grab me a

beer from the fridge. Grab yourself one too. Lily being like, that's not it, he's like 13. Mario's like, boys are gonna have a beer, huh? Boys are wimpy boys. This is why you don't get your own coca to rest, Luigi. And smack Luigi in the mouth. Luigi, okay.

So, I reckon Luigi's probably a 5.5 out of 10. I'd call it a 6. I'm generous. Tom's calling it a 6. I'm calling it a 6, guys. You're gonna regret that later in the episode, because we've still got, like, another 10 characters to go through. And you've given Luigi, who was fine, a 6. Yeah, true.

Trust us. Trust us, we're season pros at this. But Tom wants to give him a 6. 6. Luigi's getting a six alright alright alright now we're just gonna go left of field

cause I can probably remember them in order but nah fuck it Ness Ness Ness a little boy little boy a little boy with psychic powers yep

yeah but that'd be kinda cool cause we have a good friend sort of uncontrollable psychic powers but not a stepdad you don't want him to bang your mom though cause your mom's going to jail yeah also just weird.

Like, even if he's like, no, like I'm... Ness, I think, is like 10. But let's say mentally, so that we're not just... Yeah, let's just say mentally. Let's age Ness 10 years. Okay. Let's justify this. Let's age Ness 10 years.

Okay, so Ness is fucking 20, so he's a young... Yeah. You know, like he's fucking 20, so he's a young... Lily's wanting a bit of fresh meat. Ness was the pool boy, and now it's happening. And you're like, I've already been through Mario and Luigi. Mum, settle down. Mum is like, fuck

those Italian gross plumbers. Motherfucker. That's such a weird scenario if these are all happening over the course of a year. Because it's like, she dates Mario. One a month over the course of a year because it's like she dates Mario while she's dating Mario she's like your brother is so much nicer than you then she's like this whole family is fucked

I need someone younger let's go with this young boy Ness wears a baseball cap and plays baseball he'd be such a bro he'd be just like a complete douchebag bro. Nah, he's a nerd though. So then he'd be smart. He'd be a smart bro. The one? No.

There's two things Ness fucking loves. Baseball and his yo-yo. He's on that. He'd go either way. He could either be a complete frat boy bro or a complete nerd. I just think he's too immature. Maybe a good time for mum, sick.

But like as a stepdad? I think he would be like, he'd probably, he'd be the one that might sneak you a beer. He'd take you into like MA rated films when you were maybe like 12. He'd be cool. He'd be the cool one. He wouldn't really be up for it. I am not comfortable with us describing Ness as cool.

Yeah, but as a 12-year-old, he'd be a cool big brother. Yeah, I think that you would probably get the problem of him as a stepdad. You'd be like, as the child, you'd be like, he's an eight. The mom would be like, this is a two. Yeah, that's the issue. You're like, I'm having fun. We're going out. We're playing games together.

But the mom's like, this is not husband material. You'd probably catch Ness making out with someone and he'd be like, don't tell your mom. And you'd be like, I don't know how I feel about this. Like at a family gathering, like a barbecue or whatever, like and everyone is there. He's going to bang your mom's younger sister. Yeah. Stacey.

Stacey. So she's giving up on the movie. He's coming around just like I hear my sister's looking for a partner and instead banging all the

Smash Brothers characters you've gone to the house Stacey's like Lily you gotta try dating a whole roster of characters give them all a go it's great

so you're going going into like the house to grab yourself some ice and there's like Ness pinned up against the wall with Stacey's finger banging her and you're like Stacey, what about the mummy?

I like to think of mummies out there with us like a sausage and bread just being like And everyone's just sort of like, yeah That's amazing, mummy A sandstorm Everyone's beers have just turned into yeast. I just love that it's like,

it's not like everyone's like, oh, this is horrifying. It's just like, oh, fuck, I've been stuck with the mommy. He's going to talk and talk. Why do we keep inviting him? Pretty sure him and Stacey broke up. Fucking hell.

So Ness is like, again, two for the mom, five, eight for the kid. But we're talking overall like a three. As an overall is like, again, two for the mum, five, eight for the kid. But we're talking overall like a three. As an overall stepdad, yeah, three. He's definitely worse than Mario and Luigi. Definitely, definitely. Plus, you know, the whole thing about catching him with Stacey would be like,

what about my mum? I mean, Stacey's... And plus, if you were like wanting to not do like baseball stuff, he'd be like, come on. Like he'd put a lot of pressure on you to kind of play a little ball. And when he uses his psychic abilities, you look like he's taking a shit.

That's kind of embarrassing. Plus psychic abilities, you might just get burned. Yeah, that would be a whole host of problems from that. PK fire! Oh, God. Oh, no, that's him in the kitchen.

PK fire! No, no, no. Yeah, exactly. No, that's Ness. Yeah. All right. Three. So we've had a four, six, three.

No, a three. I'm sorry. A five for Mario, a six for Luigi, and a three for Ness. All right. Here's the next issue. On the topic of young boys. Young men. We'll go with Link, who, again, we're going to have to age a bit because he's 17.

All right. Let's go adult Link. No, adult Link is 17. Let's just make him 18. He's mute. He's manly and he's mute adult Link. No, adult Link is 17. Let's just make him 18. He's mute. He's manly and he's mute. Y'all's little sex would be... Oh, no!

You'd hear him banging your mom because it's the only time he'd fucking speak up. That's the legs part. No, that would be the noise that it makes when you solve a puzzle when the legs open up. Yeah, the ba-da-da-da would be erection. Yeah. I think I'd open like a chest. He'd be rolling around your house all the time.

Yeah! Yeah! Breaking pots. He's basically nuts. Like, imagine that. Your stepson comes home like he'll Step that like I made something pottery class ha ha ha gets a coin at a rupee out of it You're like what the fuck is this one? Who are you dating? It's like just those tights that cute little butt. Oh my God

Well if I go with Ocarina of time link like he's been asleep since he was a child so have a mind of a child He has no developmental years. Oh, no. If we're taking Ocarina of Time, Link, he's just nuts. He's just a guy rolling around being like, yeah, yeah. You're like, why is he doing anything?

At least if you take, like, Twilight. Plus you've got that fairy that's always going to be there. Yeah. Hey! It's Smash, so it has to be Ocarina of Time or Majora's Mask. No, it's not even Majora's Mask. It's just Ocarina of Time. Hey, listen! Oh, fucking, that's going to be Ocarina of Time or Majora's Mask. No, it's not even Majora's Mask. It's just Ocarina of Time.

Hey, listen! Oh, fucking, that's going to be there. You're a lomb. He would delegate all his parenting duties to the little fairy. He's like, go spend time with the kid. Yeah. Yeah, you'd be raised by Navi. Hey, listen!

You'd be like, I hate this. Watch out! I hate this. Mom, please. You ask your mom to leave Link. You're like, Mom, I hate him so much. Yeah, because he's just going to be banging your mom and leaving. And you'd go to school and people would be like,

your dad wears a dress. Yeah. You'd be like, you couldn't go anywhere with him. And you'd have Navi always with you because he would, I feel like you're right. Link would be like, Navi,

you deal with it. Well, cause Navi's not Link's fairy. So Link doesn't actually need him. Exactly. See, but guys, I mean,

you're thinking about this and you're raising some good points but i just want you to imagine a scenario you're like oh mom's busy so link's gonna drive me to school you arrive at school and you're like anyway thanks for the horseback ride goodbye and he just like turns to you with that like blank thing doesn't say anything because he's mute yeah you're like he's gonna get out of the car like off the horse off the horse and him dealing with a bully is gonna be bad because he's gonna like stab it he's gonna lock onto it do a side step do a side step slice him a fucking boomerang at him he'll shoot him with an exploding arrow yeah exactly i just i just but mom's dating a psycho does have a horse does have a horse that's

at least an extra point that brings Link to a two because it's like your mum brings him home and she's like alright hi honey this is my new boyfriend his name's Link and you're like okay mum and you're like he has a horse and you go out the back you play with the horse and then the next day you're like this guy's nuts

the horse would be exciting for a day and then you'd be like you'd be playing with the horse and then you'd just hear fucking Emporna's song and Emporna would just look up and then just and then you'd be like, everything else is so bad. You'd be playing with the horse, and then you'd just hear fucking Emporna's song, and Emporna would just look up and then just fuck off. You'd be like, what is happening? Plus, if you were a child and you knew Stepdad had a sword and all that sort of awesome shit, you'd steal it and use it, and that's just a recipe for disaster. While the moment that a child is holding the Master Sword, I feel like bad things are going to happen.

Do you become an adult? Are you like, Mom! I did something wrong! Some creature was like, he's got the Master Sword, he's the hero, let's kill him. And you're like, ah!

That's true, you could get mistaken for a young Link, and then like, that could be bad. Ganon just comes in and fucking pig-bores you. Yeah.

Link's a two. Link's a hot two. And that's with added horse bonus. That's the horse multiplier. Times two. Yeah, there's no real good way. He's not a good stepdad. And he'd always want to run off and be a hero.

And if it's Twilight Princess Link, he's going to turn into a fucking wolf. No, it's not Twilight Princess Link. It's Smash Bros, bruv. Still bad. Forget about Tom. It doesn't get better. It's not Twilight Princess Link. It's Smash Bros, bruv. Still. Still bad. Still bad. Forget about Tom. It doesn't get better. It's a Smash Bros town. Right.

Who's next? Do share in your mind, Pallas. Well, speaking of characters that I love, Samus. Samus. So this is mom's experimental month, I guess. All right. Mom! Well done.

Samus is the kind of stepdad, stepmom. No, let's say stepdad. No, no, no, no, stepdad. Samus is the kind of stepdad stepmom no no no no stepdad sam is the kind of stepdad that you you are a bit afraid of like i can just imagine sam is sitting on the couch it's just like the two of you alone and she's just watching tv and you're like i don't want to go downstairs because i don't really want to interact with her because yeah i reckon i would feel so intimidated imagine going down the stairs and getting a juice and she'd be like is that your second juice for the day and you'd be like I'll put it back

And she's like no it's fine You're like I won't have it You making dinner Mom said get takeout Nah Cook me spaghetti Nah I guess Samus would be like We're having Russians for dinner

Scary stepdad Samus is great No cause Samus wouldn't be like that. Make him spaghetti. It's Super Smash Bros. Finish as a fucking VV. Come outside. I'm going to teach you to fight. Samus, you have a gun arm. All you want to do is curl up into a little ball

and roll. Drop a bomb. Beep. I can't do that Samus she would go one of two ways she would be like

the abusive survivalist step parent like teaching you how to fight but like you're not prepared for that

because you're not a sci-fi master because you're like 11 exactly and she'd have like fucking post traumatic stress yeah she would not be

prepared she is a veteran or it'll go like like a nice quaint 80s movie Where you start off a bit afraid But then you grow to love each other That is exactly way more what it would be like

Because this Samus Would have to be Super Metroid Samus Because that was the most recent Metroid game at that point In that Samus pretty much plays a motherly role To a Metroid Which is way harder to raise than a child I imagine, because your child doesn't want to suck your life force

out of your face. But it's a different experience. Yeah, but also... You'd go in for a hug and a kiss, she'd just bat you away. What are you doing? Ice beams you. Stay away from my face, kid. You're like, I'm sorry, you don't want to... Also, again, because... She'd be physically distant,

I think. Yeah, I agree. Not getting any hugs. I can imagine that from... I feel like she cuddles the Metroid at some point in that game, though. But a Metroid's different. It's like a puppy. No, I know, but that means that... Yeah, but that's what I mean. Like, she's clearly fine with touching.

Yeah, but no, but there's a difference. Like, maybe she's scared of physical intimacy with, like, a veteran. A veteran might still be like a dog that's unrequited like a like a dog that's unrequited love like a metroid that's unrequited that's i mean um what do you call it not unrequited uh uh unconditional love or as a child there's like you gotta put in some weird work there but the kid us us yes the child the child the 12 year old us the 12 year old us is 12 yeah like a 12 year old doesn't need to be touched and all that. Yeah, that's true. True. Also, was Samus wearing her armor the whole time?

Yeah, in my mind, yes. Yeah. Always. The helmet as well? Yeah. I guess you could take that off for dinner. Yeah. So she's taking the helmet off.

For a smoke outside. Ah, then you'd get the bonus thing of Samus coming home with your mom and you're like, oh, mom's got a new boyfriend. And then she takes off the helmet and you're like, mom's got a new girlfriend? You're she takes off the helmet and you're like, mom's got a new girlfriend? You're like, mom's gay. Am I gay? That panic. That's true.

You're like, mom's gay. Am I gay? Oh my God. That 12-year-old brain being like... Yeah, like, because you're 12 and you don't know what the fuck's going on. You're like, this is very new. And then, especially if it's deadbeat Samus, you'd be so afraid all the time.

Nah, I reckon you wouldn't get deadbeat Samus. I think you'd flip on a coin for it. It would take a lot of work for Samus to get over her experiences. She's fucking killed Ridley like three times. Exactly. That's too many times. That fucks a person up. You just find her downstairs staring at the static on the TV

and you'd be like, Samus, are you okay? And she'd be like, get to bed. It could be a three. It could be a 6.5. You just... Anytime there's fireworks, everyone... In the basement. get to bed. It could be a three. It could be a 6.5. You just... I reckon Samus is... Anytime there's fireworks, everyone in the basement.

No, it would be the opposite. She'd be trying to escape off the planet. She's been on so many planets that are just exploding. The planet's exploding. Everyone in the car. So the first time

there's any... No, she's running away from her family. But with you. No, she takes you. Maybe. Samus has a ship, though, too, as well. That's pretty cool.

That's pretty bad. Parked in your driveway. But it's a sick-looking ship. It looks kind of like a Metroid mixed with a helmet. That's cool. So again, if a horse gets some bonus,

I think the ship gets some bonus. Yeah, I reckon that Samus is sitting on... Like a seven? Yeah, I reckon giving her a seven. But I also think you wouldn't get deadbeat. You'd just get emotionally distant.

P... PTSD. PTSD. Is that why I think she'd be a good 6? Which is why I think someone put Luigi a bit too high. Just saying. Yeah, I will go for 6. I'll go for 5.5 to be honest for Samus. No! I will not sit here and hear Samus be put behind

Luigi. I agree with Jackson. 5.5. She could go either way. Yeah, she's a 5.5. Samus is like, Samus is like, have a beer. And you're like, I don't want one. She's like, drink up! She would be like, Samus is so funny!

We're eating rations from now on and we're going on survivalist treks and you're not to have any friends. Don't bring anyone to the house. That's the Samus I know and love. That's not a good step-parent. No, because you earn their trust and then it's great.

It's not about trust, it's about love. That's true. No, we're step-parents, it's not about love. I'm putting her at a six. Plus ship bonus, seven. Nah, she ain't a seven. Six. 5.5 is with a.5 ship bonus.

.5 ship bonus? Ships are big. Horses are great and cute. Horse has got a one point five bonus. Ship's got a point five. Correct. So ship's very dangerous for children. Yep.

Horse you can hug. Ship intimidating. I guess if she was taking the suit off and was more approachable, she'd be a seven. Yeah. She's on Luigi's level. She's on Luigi's level. Which I think Luigi should be a five.

Point five. Yeah, I agree. Luigi should be a 5 0.5 yeah I agree Luigi should be a 0.5 Sorry look Tom's an amateur when it comes to Giving things arbitrary scores We've learnt our lesson We've put in the odds Alright who's next Dusha Let's just get fucked up Fox Fox

Space is in space Has no legs has Has metal legs. Is a fox. Is a fox. Has all the problems of Samus, but is also a fox. Yeah. Yeah. Has a less cool ship as well.

That's true. Plus, I kind of imagine him expecting a lot from you. Like, I mean, like a lot in terms of grades and a lot in terms of, I feel like Fox is the kind of stepdad that leaps into the dad role like that. Also, Fox mean, like, a lot in terms of grades and a lot in terms of I feel like Fox is the kind of stepdad that leaps into the dad role like that. Also, Fox has shithead friends. Fucking slippy toad. Fuck that prick. Your house would be full

of, like, large animals which would freak you the fuck out. Humanoid. What's it called? Anamorphicized? Anthropomorphic. Anthropomorphic humans? Yes. Imagine Falco. Like like Falco is like the biggest dick in the world

and also there'd be fox dashing all over the fucking place like sure I might be spick and a turn I reckon Falco might abuse you

I think just say lucky Falco isn't in the original roster exactly that's good but he's one of fox's friends exactly

I'm just saying if anyone is a child molester I reckon Falco I don't know if he's a child molester Ganondorf surelyco. I don't know if he's a child molester. Ganondorf, surely. Nah.

But I can imagine Falco punching you in the shoulder, like, just out of the blue. I reckon Falco's got, like, a camera set up in the basement. That's all I'm saying.

I reckon a punch in the gut, maybe. Yeah, I can't see him being sexually abusive. Ganondorf, for sure. But not Falco I imagine Falco is the kind of guy that like

I don't know sees you playing a video game in your room when he's wandering around the house holding a stubby and is like

fucking nerd and you're like I'm sorry and then he's like no come here and he just smacks you on and you're like what is this

I'm pretty sure Falco would happily call you a faggot yeah oh yeah Falco has some strong opinions about ethnicity that's nice but Falco isn't in this game. No, but Falco's one of Fox's friends.

And he's going to invite them around, and then at a party, you're getting hassled by Falco. And that's got to take into account. And Slippy gets super drunk. Slippy gets drunk and tries to make out with you. That's what's happening. That's not good. We're 12.

Slippy's going to jail. Falco's going to jail. Fox is a two. Agreed. Why are we. Fox is a two. Agreed. Why are we deciding he's a two? Like, what's the benefit? Like, what's the good thing about him? He's got metal legs.

That's pretty sick. And he's got a ship. He's got a ship. He's got a ship bonus. He's got a metal leg multiplier and a ship bonus. Actually, no. No, hang on. Link got a two.

Fox is getting lower than a two. He's a one and a half. Fox is a one and a half because.5 because Fox is a.5. Just with a shit bonus. Yeah, I'll pay that out. Fox is a.5. I mean, you may end up getting really rich because your mother's married a fox with metal legs.

We're going to have to give Fox a 1 because definitely at least someone is going to get a 0. Alright, give him a 1. Give him a 1 and that's what the ship burns. Yep. All right, who's next? Wouldn't be good. My brain, like, there is two characters I remember,

so we'll just go with those. Pikachu? Is a slave. Is a rat. Is a slave rat. So definitely some of the negatives of Fox. You're like, Pikachu, can you help me with my homework? He's like, Pikachu!

And then it electrocutes you. It's a slave. It's abusive. It's dangerous. It's a rat. It's banging your mom. That sounds like a fucking billboard. It's a slave.

It's abusive. It's a rat. It's banging your mom. Pikachu. It's only going to be in your life for like two weeks before some group of terrorists roll around and steal it. Terrorists are chasing Pikachu. So are we saying he's Pikachu or are we going with Ash? No, Pikachu.

Pikachu's the character. And Ash is going to like drunkenly wander up to your house and be like, Pikachu! Oh my god, you got the jealous axe. Fucking hell. I made you a mixtape. I want to be the very best. No one ever was.

Just imagine Pikachu. Ash like that playing Ash, holding the thing under one arm and just like pointing at Pikachu, making a little heart thing. You'd have Officer Jenny's coming around to your place all the time, escorting drunken Ash away.

Lily in the dressing gown being like, Ash, leave. Pikachu chose me. Yes. Also, guys, as a stepdad, he's an animal. And not like Fox, where he's a humanoid animal. No, he's just like an animal. You're like, hey, Pikachu. Can only say his name as well.

Can you drive me to school? And Pikachu's like, just runs away. And you're like, the fuck is mom doing? Experimental month two. And if mom is getting freaky with Pikachu, which I'm sure why not? Pikachu's not,

is an animal. It's not going to bother to be quiet. You're going to hear Pika at full volume. The power is going to surge and you're going to be like, Pikachu just came. I'm learning some terrible... Pikachu would be a big fan of the shocker.

So, Red Hot Zero? Red Hot Zero, because you're like, mum, what are you doing? I'm going to give it a zero and then a negative .5 for X. X negative bonus. Yeah, fair enough. Negative.5. Alright, who's next?

Jesus. Jigglypuff. Cuddlier than Pikachu. Yeah, nice. Similar problem. You might not know it's a boyfriend for a while. You might be like, Mom got a weird pillow.

And you'd find that you're... Just assume that your mom has a sex toy. Yeah, you'd be like, I saw Mom's sex toy. It was pink and brown. It's weird. And also you'd find yourself just going to sleep all of a sudden.

I don't know. You'd hear, like, what's that song? And then you'd be like, I'm asleep. It's been 12 hours. No, I'm loving that. Good sleep, but multiplayer. Jiggly Puff is an animal as well, I guess. Yeah, you get all of the same negatives in that you're like,

some bullies beat me up at school, and then she just rolls out. Yeah, but then she could sing them to sleep, but then Pikachu could electrify them. No, but you can't communicate that to the Jigglypuff. Oh, no! Jigglypuff might kill your mom accidentally because of that sleep move that just does a lot of damage. Oh, yeah, true.

Jigglypuff is like Hot Zero. Your mom's taking a nap with Jigglypuff, and Jigglypuff's like... Terrifying. Everyone knows that move, right? Yeah, I do. I can imagine it. So Pikachu and Jigglypuff, like... Terrifying. Everyone knows that move, right? Yeah, I do. I can imagine it in my head. Pikachu and Jigglypuff, red hot zeros.

Pikachu is a negative 0.5. Jigglypuff's just a hot zero. Because Jigglypuff could be mistaken for a sex toy. Yeah, you might not know. When I grow up, when I'm like 18 and trying to go back through this weird time, mum has... When you're sitting with your therapist and you're like, I can trace a lot of my problems back to this one year. That's going to be like, no, that was her sex toy.

I found her weird talking sex toy. And the therapist will be like, did it look like this? No, it was a sex toy therapist. Okay, we'll come back to this. So yeah, that's a zero. Now my mind palace, I just need to visit it again just hop in

I got one you really out? no Captain Falcon Falcon punch one of us had to say it everyone just looked at you when you started yelling I think you were expecting all of us to say it yeah I was

I'm not mad as a like at least he's a man like at least he's a human being captain that's you know he's got a ship prestigious military dad be kind of cool he also isn't the military dad it's gonna call you a faggot and because he wears a scarf and one of his costumes is white he's a racer pink gloves that's That's sick. Yeah. He's cool as fuck. When you're old enough, he'd be like, look, mate, I've hit the club scene before. I'll give you some hits. Yeah. I'll give you some pointers, mate.

Who would lend you his muscle car? Oh, he would. Oh, my God. You'd be like, oh, look, Falco, Captain Falcon. I mean, not Falco. Sorry. Weird Freudian. I had some odd.

Anyway. Falco made me do things anyway that's what you would tell you would be like Captain Falcon and then he'd be like let's go deal with this no he'd be like

okay you would hear on the news Falcon got beat up yeah Falcon punched like Falcon got Falcon punched tonight at six

and he'd be looking at Captain Falcon he'd just give you a knowing nod he'd be looking at Captain Falcon here, just give you a knowing nod. He'd do that two-finger salute that he does and be like, show me your moves. Yeah. He'd be like, he's a real good dad.

He'd train you up physically. He'd train you up mentally. He'd want you to stay in school. Yeah. He'd help you a lot. I can see that. Even, like, he's the kind of guy, dad, stepdad, that he might even be like,

if you started experimenting with drugs, he might be like, look. Club and Falcon has definitely hit the E. Yeah, it'd be like, I don't, look, do them at home so I can, like, if you started experimenting with drugs, he might be like, look. Club and Falcon has definitely hit the E. Yeah, it'd be like, look, do them at home so I can like, or at least... Do ecstasy at home. Or at least do them under the roof so I can keep an eye on you.

Yeah, he'd be like, look... If it's your first time... Listen, son, you're 12. Take some ecstasy at home. No, I think he would be like, look, don't you be smoking pot under this roof. Don't you do it anywhere else. When you're 18,

I can't control you, right? But I want to teach you everything that I can about, you know. Captain Falcon is not a weed smoker. No, no. I'm not saying he is.

I'm saying like, if we were like, look, 16, 17, wanting to experiment with drugs, I think he'd just be understanding. He'd be understanding. He wouldn't be like, don't you dare do it.

Not in my room. He'd be like, look, I would prefer if you didn't. However, if you are going to, this is sort of like, you know, this is please. Here's the basic facts about it. Bottle of water, know where it came from, you're good to go. Yeah.

Now, Captain Falcon's like a hot seven. He's great. Seven? I'm looking at like a nine. I'm almost giving him a straight up ten. Captain Falcon. Can we think of a negative? Race car

driver, yeah? He may break your mother's heart. Yeah, that's true. That's a risk. That's less on a step dad, that's more on just like, you know, a step husband. No, I'm trying to think. I don't think he ever has like a lady times

like... He might be gay. Yeah, it would not surprise me if mum was a beard. I don't think he ever has like a lady times. Like he might be a, he might be gay. Yeah. I could, would not surprise me if mom was a beard. Yeah. Yeah. Let's be honest. Like he's a great guy, but you might find out that he's a bit repressed.

Yeah. But you can't just fucking be like, he's a 10. That's too good. Yeah. Pretend he's repressed. I'm just trying to think. Yeah.

That's true. If he was gay, like we said, that wouldn't like affect him being a dad, which is what we're talking about. He'd still be a fine dad. Yeah. After they two, you know, cause as I say, we'll finish this list, but let's just say she comes back and Captain Falcon is like,

yep, they get married for five years, but then it's like he eventually comes out because, look, it wouldn't surprise us all, or if it was at least by, again, it wouldn't surprise us. Maybe your mum and him would still be good friends and still be around. He'd still be like your dad. He'd still be...

Who was our actual dad? Bowser? Are we a Bowser Jr.? Good. Sure, why not? Mom, Lily and Bowser. Which makes it more complications with the whole Mario thing. No, not Bowser then. I just like to imagine a guy and Mom and him

just had a falling out. Larry. Our dad, Larry. We see on weekends. I used to imagine a guy and mum and him just had a falling out. Larry. Larry. Our dad, Larry. We see on weekends. Weekend dad. I used to imagine me as the kid from way, way back, but anyway. All right. Oh, no.

All right. So Captain Falcon is my Sam Rockwell right now. Just saying. I'm just saying Captain Falcon's a hot nine for me. I'll give him a 10. Yeah, I'm going to give him a 10. Really? Yeah.

All right, fine, 10. I'll give him a 10. Majority rules, he's a 10. I reckon he's a perfect one, but just in case. Okay. Let's try... Okay, let's... Look, this is probably my second bet for best dad. Yoshi.

No, I'm kidding. But actually, Yoshi... Yoshi, again, is an animal. He's an actual animal. Would eat you. He'd eat you. He'd eat you and then throw you as an egg. He wouldn't think about it.

What does Yoshi do with a big tongue? Your mom would be alright with a long tongue. But not a dexterous tongue, though, guys. It just goes out and then comes back in. Imagine how deep it gets. Just punching the uterus. Makes annoying noises. I'd be smacking around everywhere.

That'd be annoying. Dinosaur bonus. That's a big bonus. Can ride him off a cliff. You can ride him! That's horse bonus. That's like dino horse bonus. That's at least a two points.

He's already on two. Four points, huh? No, no, no. Two points for dinosaur. Because that's great. 1.5 for a horse. Half a point for mother's satisfaction. What do you care for in a dad? Mother's satisfaction.

Eating my mum out real good. But how he deals with his own kids, or his potential kids, if he's got an egg, he'll throw them at people. So that's not great. But he knows they're not his actual kids because he's just eating fruit and shitting eggs.

But he did look after baby Mario very well. That's true. And he's got child-rearing experience. And that was like a single dad or mom. What is Yoshi? Male or female? Male. That depends.

Yoshi's the species. Can be anything. But Yoshi, the dude, is a man. So yeah, single dad. He raised a kid. He can lay eggs. Confusing. Yeah. Hey. Whatever. It's Yoshi's. So yeah, single dad. Like he raised a kid. He can lay eggs. Confusing. Yeah.

Hey. Whatever. It's Yoshi's. Forget about it, Jackson. It's Yoshi town. Forget about it. Yoshi's town. So yeah, so he raised Mario.

But then look at Mario. Not great. Five. I reckon Yoshi's probably going to get a five also after bonuses. Nah. What are you putting him at? I'm putting him like a either a six or a seven

jesus bonuses four with a bonus yeah i mean he did give us a four point bonus bonus i was gonna leave it there though that's it other than that he's an animal he can't raise a kid he can't help you with your homework raise a kid no he no he transported a child. Baby Mario didn't come out the other end being like, man, I learned from those life experiences. That's like if you gave a baby to a gorilla and the gorilla took it across New York. And then at the other end, you're like, that gorilla is amazing.

So was he a four then? Yeah. Speaking of gorillas, Donkey Kong. Terrifying. Negative 10. Will break your spine. You'll open the door and he'll be like Would see you not as a child but as a rival member of the group. Beat the ever loving fuck out of you.

If you like do a little one of those things with your chest he's gonna slaughter you. He's got a rap written about him though so that's at least one point. And I was gonna say, he wears a tie tie is ready for formal occasions another multiplier you'd get home and he'd you'd find him at the top of your stairs and be like barrel barrel i just want to get to bat damn it damn it why is what is mom seeing another problem stepchild like like your stepbrother if they end up buried he'd make you hang out with diddy fucking diddy k Kong there's a move in like I think the latest smash where he

just leaps on the is like the enemy's faces and just bites in that's great just like an actual ape just like oh you're like oh Jesus there's a chimp trying to steal my face and my family

all his organizational efforts he's still a chimp he's a gorilla yeah and he hoards bananas exactly he's still a chimp. He's a gorilla. And he hoards bananas. Exactly. He's hoarding fruit. You'd have bananas every meal. You'd have potassium coming out of your butt.

He's got a fucking annoying family. Cranky Kong. Funky Kong. Lanky Kong. Candy Kong would come and try and get with you, and you'd be like, oh, God. Candy Kong is confusing and great, but I'm scared. I like the idea of like

negative 10 even with his quarter players the idea of like Donkey Kong spends a lot of time in the shed and you go out the back

and you open the door slowly and there's just like thousands of bananas and he's midway through peeling just turns and looks at you with his ape face

and he's like shut the door he's like straight You're like... Shut the door. Shut the door. He's like... Mum? What was the nurse Donkey Kong? That was Candy Kong.

That was Candy? Yeah. It was a young girl though. Tiny or Dixie? Tiny or Dixie. Dixie. From which game? 64 is tiny.

Well, actually, this predates Donkey Kong 64, Kong 64 so it's Dixie probably Dixie who is I don't know she could spin her hair it was pretty good yeah that's alright but you would get

to deal with her as well you'd have all the Kong family coming around your house would be like kind of like when there's a lot of people at your house you don't know

but also they're apes also something that Donkey Kong does that we haven't mentioned rides rhiners also rides emus only if he finds boxes with those animals in them

also rides a swordfish every now and then if he's in the pool oh yeah he can breathe underwater I retract what I said before about bananas if you took one of his bananas he would be furious he's gone across an entire country to of his bananas he would be furious he would snap your neck

he's gone across an entire country to get his bananas back if you take one you're a dead man negative 10 I love the fact that DK might just leave because he's an ape and who knows he has been known to kidnap women criminal history

negative 10 the worst and now lucky last out of something else? Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Criminal history. Yeah. Negative 10. Negative 10. The worst. And now, lucky last, the person who may take, may even just beat Captain Falcon here, Kirby. We'll eat you and copy your abilities.

We'll eat your mum and copy her abilities. Two mums. That's the best stepdad. 10. Double mum! Really efficient. None of this whole family business. Just the stepdad. Would be the best stepdad because it doesn't have to worry about responsibilities.

Just is. That's beautiful. Oh, Kirby's also a chef. That's true. Kirby has no legs. Just feet. Perfect. Can fly. Cuddly. Can fly. You'd be like,

Mum, did you get a new sex toy? And then walk in and you'd be like, Hey, actually, I'm questioning. Yeah. Just everything. You would maybe have some post-traumatic stress callbacks to Julie Puff. That's true. Stress you out. You should try to inhale our abilities and went sour for him.

For the millionth time, you are not Kirby. You're not. Yeah, mate. I know. Has Meta Knight and King Dedede come around hassling you? King Dedede has a hammer. That's scary. Meta Knight has a sword.

How is a hammer scarier than a sword? By this time you've gone through Link, you're used to swords. Yeah, exactly. Hammer's louder. King Dedede waddling up to your door and opening it up and being like, Where the fuck is Kirby? King Dedede's too big to fit in a door. Meta Knight would fucking just appear in your lounge room and just cut all your shit off.

I like the idea of Kirby having, like, you're like, Kirby knows some dangerous customers. Kirby would, like, have a job as a smuggler. I'm worried for my mom's safety. Yeah. Like, do we need to use drugs? P-ting! So there's, have a job as a smuggler. I'm worried for my mum's safety. Yeah. Like, do we need drugs? Ba-ding! So there's always that risk that the FBI would come to your house

because of your shit bird stepdad. The only good thing Kirby really has going for him is that, yeah, he could eat your mum and duplicate her. You could get double mum. You could get double mum. So that's really the only thing I think Kirby's got. Yeah, everything else is kind of just of just like much of a muchness. It's not really...

He can fly and prove things, but it may not make everything bad. That sounds like a seven to me. It's okay, but it's not bad at all. No, there's not really any negatives. I mean, aside from the fact that he... I don't think he can talk. No. He wears shoes, though.

Plus, like, you know, you take your dad to school day or whatever it's like giant gelatinous pink thing yeah it's like oh he brought his mum's sex toy oh wait no that's actually a person

that's actually a little a little guy and then Kirby's like and here's your teacher ba-ding teacher's your class see that's when it would become a problem Kirby and Hale's entire school

and is now wanted exactly or a problem Kirby inhales the entire school And is now wanted Exactly Or There's a problem there It's like again Dealing with your bully Like Kirby comes in Inhales your bully

Shits him out Now you've got double bully No but Double bully Because then Kirby would use The bully's abilities To beat up original bully That's true

It's not like Kirby When he inhales the abilities That's true He doesn't just turn Like if you inhale a bad guy He doesn't just turn He just turns to you Like ah That's true. He doesn't just turn. Like, if you inhale a bad guy, he doesn't just turn. He just turns to you like, ah, shit. Greg's got my abilities, i.e. being 12.

I hope this bully is okay after this experience. After being beat up by a super-powered being. He's not your bully anymore as well. He's like, please don't send any of your stepdads to hurt me. The poor little kid trying to work through his own horrible stepfamily and it's just been beaten up by intergalactic magical beings.

Waluigi's had a fucked up life. Waluigi. So does Falcon, Captain Falcon just win by like a mile? Like a fucking mile, man. Captain Falcon, best stepdad. Donkey Kong, worst stepdad. Kirby, surprisingly second best stepdad.

Hoffa Dick Mario and Luigi, who theoretically on paper should have done a lot better than they did. Because they're just guys. They're just guys, they're average. Just being just guys in this situation gives you an instant 5 out of 10. I know. Exactly. Look, I know. Exactly. Look, Yoshi.

Actually, does it go Captain Falcon, then Samus? Is that how it is? Samus ended up resting on a 7, and I think we had an 8 or 9. Yeah, but, yeah. Yes. Yeah, so the ranking is Captain Falcon, Samus, Luigi. Yeah. Yes.

No, add Kirby to that. Kirby? What was Kirby? It was Kirby. It was Kirby a 5 or something. Why are we giving Kirby a 7? Samus Luigi yes no add Kirby to that Kirby what was Kirby wasn't Kirby a 5 why are we giving Kirby a 7 he can't talk he said 7 he said 7

he said 2 Kirby he said 2 Kirby is an entirely neutral 5 yeah same as Mario yeah

I'll give you that so they're tied at 5 then we've got Yoshi then the Pokemon Pokemon got 0s no we had a three we had a three link who was the link link and ness with threes pikachu jigglypuff jigglypuff donkey giant gap master hand oh boy hot tan can pick you up and throw you

is a giant floating hand in a glove also ready for formal occasions well Masterhead wins and on that note

I've been Joel I've been Jackson I've been Tom sorry that's alright sorry champ sorry champ I've been Tom

and I've been Joel. Bye. That's not how it starts. Full disclosure, guys, I've never played this game. Lucky you knew the folks. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sandspantsradio.com.