Plumbing the Death Star - Which Super Smash Bros. Character Would Be Best in a Real Fight?

Episode Date: April 28, 2019

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Sands Pants Radio, always the bride, never the bridesmaid. Hey, do you sometimes think, I wonder if those handsome voices match their handsome faces? Well, the short answer is yes, we're beautiful. And if you want to see our beautiful faces play board games, head on over to twitch.tv slash sandspantsradio every Friday at 11.30am Melbourne time. That's twitch.tv slash sanspants radio. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star where we ask important questions like which Super Smash Brothers character would be the best in a real fight? Okay, so we're just going to go with the original 12?

Yeah, look, because by the time we get to the last game of Smash Bros., every single fictional character... Oh, hey, here's 1,060 characters from across 18 consoles. Nobody can beat King K. Rool. Yeah, that one's already decided. That man's a fat lizard with a lot of gumption. You just can't take him down. All right, so which Super Smash Bros. could win an actual fight?

Who are they fighting? Just a regular guy. What, like us? We are just regular guys. Yeah. That's what it says on my business card. 3v1? Well, that would be pretty Smash Bros. rules.

3v1 is great. So basically, it's a McDonald's parking my business card. 3v1? Well, that would be pretty Smash Bros. rules. 3v1 is great. So basically, it's a McDonald's parking lot bashing. All right. Which Super Smash Bros. character could get bashed the best? Well, it would be get bashed the worst and bash us the best. Yeah. All right. So either we've bumped them or they've bumped us,

and we're like, you've made us spill our nuggets, or you cunt, let's grumble. I just like to imagine we're like, you've made us spill our nuggets. Oi, you cunt. Let's grumble. I just like to imagine we're coming out of the drive-thru and I'm like, is that fucking Mario? Hey! Hey! Mario! Mario! Plumber cunt! And then we just go over and beat the shit out of him.

Alright, so the 12 characters of what? You've got a list? Mario, Luigi, Fox McCloud, Pikachu, Ness, DK, Kirby, Yoshi, Captain Falcon, Samus, Jigglypuff, and Link. Although I've written Jigglepuff. Okay, we'll start with Mario. Easy. Yeah. He is

smaller than a regular guy, but he is a guy. Yeah. He's an Italian man. I wouldn't feel too bad about fighting him, which will be an issue that I feel like comes up in a bit later on. Weak to stomping, though. Well, what I'm thinking is that Mario does... You can. Weak to stomping, though. Well, no, what I'm thinking is that Mario dies when he-

You can punch him in the top of the head. Straight down. Mario's a glass cannon. Yes. Because if he jumps on our head, we squish and die. But if we touch him- He dies! Like a Goomba touches Mario, and Mario or whatever. That's the Mario music, right? Yeah.

And he dies. So we just got to get in there and all one punch to Mario's fragile mouth. And he's gone. Are we giving each of these characters the powers they have in their game? Or are we just bringing them to the real world? I feel like it's like with Mario, it's a two way street. I feel like that we have to give him fireballs if we're killing him in one punch I just don't think that these

characters should have their stuff like shooting fireballs out of your hands no but like Link having a sword yes well fireballs out of your hand is fine it's just that it's hot and it'll burn his gloves you know it's like a terrible curse has brought all of the Smash Brothers characters

to this McDonald's parking lot. Well, then he's just going to set himself alight because presumably the fire comes out of his hand and not out of his glove. And also it bounces. Remember, it bounces back. So you could try and kick the fireball back into him. Yeah, that's true. If a fireball's coming at me in a McDonald's car park, I'm not trying to kick it. Well, no, but I've just seen a little squat Mario.

We want a bat. I'm assuming I'm like, right, this is Mario rules. Which is funny because we just established it's not. Which means if you're going to kick it, it's going to set you on fire. Shoe a light, instantly. Then I'll kick off my shoe and huck that at Mario.

Now your hand's on fire because you just picked up a burning shoe. The human body doesn't work that way. Okay, you're right. It won't just burst into flames, but you're going to burn your hand. Yeah. That's so dumb. But I'll be full of adrenaline.

He's going to kill Mario. I've got to kill that bat butterball. So I think with us and Mario, it's me and you, Jack, because that would just self-immolated. I'm just, look, I'm covered in burns, but I'm raring to go. Does Mario... Imagine this, right? Have you ever tried to punch someone with burn wounds?

Yeah, but Mario says, Mario, fuck some fireballs at me. You just said yes to that. Yeah, of course. Yeah, look. Every damn day, fuck some fireballs at me. You just said yes to that. Yeah, of course. Yeah, look. Every damn day. Fuck some fireballs at me. I'm on fire, burning. I try and put myself out.

I'm covered in burns, but then I keep charging. Mario is going to be terrified as I pummel his face. Zamet may die, but he will hurt Mario. I will definitely be burnt, but... That's a dead Mario. Well, it's certainly a Mario I guess it's just you v Mario now because the moment an on fire

burn covered Zabit runs back at us I'm stepping away and I'm letting nature take it's course not on fire just burned on your skin how do you think fire works

Both of you You're saying you can kick a fireball How do you think fire works About yay big It's the size of his hand It's the size of his palm Not when it hits your foot If it hit your foot, your foot would catch fire

I don't think my foot is that flammable It depends on the fireball And it depends on the fireball because if it's mario if it's mario yes you would catch fire because that's what his fireball does yeah surely it's like it's like concentrated hot fire and the whole thing even if you're okay if you're wearing runners or sneakers or something it's it will be hot enough to melt the rubber. Yeah, yeah, surely. Okay, you're not on fire, but if you then pick up your shoe, the hot rubber, but melted, so will then burn your hand. Yes, I'm agreeing burning, I'm not saying on fire. Why self-harm when you can just punch him in the top of the head?

Why is that your first go-to move to kick a fireball? Depends, do we know if it's mario rules or not why would you the fireball like bounces maybe i'll just say it's a brick wall if you see a lightsaber in real life yeah it's your first move gonna be like oh i'm gonna try and deflect a bullet and see if it's no i would just move out of the way of the fireball see what happens i'd be like you know what i might know if i can kick this back but at least i'm not gonna risk it yeah i'm gonna punch him in the top of his dumb head straight down what abilities does mario have in smash brothers the first he jump jump to an uppercut. I also have the hiccups, which is real annoying.

He's got the Mario tornado. Okay. Could we survive that? The hiccups are making me sweaty. Yeah, to be honest, look, it depends. If his fireball, because again, like, in Smash, his fireball is kind of weak. It's kind of shitty. But it

sets you on fire in Smash. Your whole character catches a light. Does it? Yes. That's powerful. It's a good move. It's kind of shitty. But it sets you on fire in Smash. Your whole character catches a light. Does it? Yes. That's powerful. It's a good move. That's the best move. Well, yeah, let's test it out by fucking kicking it. I feel like- Not just wait and see what happens. Let's kick it.

I feel like if my fist connected with Mario's jaw, like, I think- How many punches to the head till Mario is dead? Are we killing him? You have to win a fight. I feel like just knocking him out. Knock him out or throw him off a cliff. Zabit has blood lost.

He's coming to this episode violent. Gotta snap that neck. Fights are on your brain because you're trying to kick fire. You want to kill people in a fight. It's all happening. Where if Mario kicks you? He'd eat your shin, yeah? How small is he compared to a human being? He's like the size of a fight. It's all happening. Where if Mario kicks you? He'd eat your shin, yeah? How small is he compared to a human being?

He's like the size of a toddler. Okay. He's bigger than that. Because Peach is a fully sized human. I think Mario would come up to my neck. Think about New York City. Yeah, that's a good point. He's not tall.

He comes up to your waist, probably. Okay. He's like a young child. Yeah. Okay. Unless he eats a mushroom, then he's... He's a perfect dick puncher, I've noticed. How are those hiccups going, buddy?

Oh, they're great. Each one comes with a little bit of like, what do you call it? Gag? Yeah, yeah. Not pleasant. So, Mario, I think the moment we all jump on him to try and beat the shit out of him, it's just going to pummel us in the dick. It's basically...

Because if I was... Mario Tornado is literally him spinning and throwing punches, which will just hit us all in the penis. How well do you guys cope with getting kicked in the dick? Not well. Are you like a down and out? Because some people are, some people aren't. If you get kicked in the dick, are you like, I got to lie down and nearly throw up?

Throw up? Depends again on the force. I feel like Mario's got a lot of force. Because Mario's body, he looks tubby, but it's all muscle. That's true, it is. Mario's all muscle. Wait till you see him nude. He looks like a fat little butterball, but he's packing a lot of muscle.

He's basically a bicep with a mustache. Yeah, he's just dense. A bicep. Yeah. So. Are you drunk? What did you eat before we did this episode?

Noodles. Did you chew them? Yes. Finally, you eating like a fuckwit has had its revenge. I hate it. I hate the hiccups.

I want to have the hiccups for two days. Is it because you eat and drink wrong? The answer is yes. If I ate and drank- It's because all you do is gulp stuff, so you're filling your body with air. Your diaphragm hates it.

If I ate and drank as wrong as you say, I'd always have the hiccups. I feel like you have the hiccups far more frequently than any other human being I know. I may. That might be true. So, how long until Mario is out by our fists? I think there's a lot of people to get through. We've got to sort this out now. Yeah, Mario is...

Look, to be honest, I don't... Maybe Mario kicks our heart. Yeah, the reason I think that mostly is that you're right. We have to punch down. Yeah. And that's just an awkward fighting angle. No, it's... You get a lot more force and you're punching straight down on top of his head.

That's true. You would probably knock him out pretty quickly. Yeah. It depends if we all do like grab our fists together and slam down on his head at once. He's also good kicking height. Like as in you can kick him in the head really easy. Oh, that's true. Knee him in the face.

Yeah. He's a lot of a human being's most devastating attacks in a fight. His head is very close to. That's true. Plus, he's wearing overalls, which are good to grab and lift him up. He'd be easy to pick. You could literally, even though we just said it was a real-life fight, you could probably end up doing real-life Smash Bros

moves, because you could pick him up and just whack him on the ground. The idea of sliding him through the McDonald's front window is very appealing. I like the idea of running him over with my car is also very appealing. I like how they're picking him up with smack. That's not a fight. That's an assault. No, that's just a murder.

That's vehicle manslaughter. That's murder. That's if me and Dusha are doing so well and then we hear, and then Mario's eyes go real big. I got it, boys. As he is run down by a car alright so

Mario what's a this bang Mario I reckon we're winning that one just because like he'd be

I think we just need to get one clean hit in because again his head is so accessible and because we're attacking down it would be hard for him to block those

yeah that's true we're gonna be singed a bit yeah well you're burned we avoided the fire because fireballs aren't quick. The only reason you got burned is because you tried to kick it and then your next move was to throw your shoe. Yeah. Adrenaline, mate.

So, Plumbing Boys on one. Super Smash Brothers character zero. All right. Currently. Next person on the roster. One burned hand. Ouija. Ouija?

Like Mario, but taller. And a little tubby belly. Close to my neck. Yeah, he could bite you. But in less shape. In worse shape. In less shape. In worse shape.

He's a coward. He would take a bit to hit a fight back. I reckon if we just declared we were going to fight that guy, we'd have him before he even- Hey, is that Luigi? Hey! Oi! Mama mia!

We just mopped the floor with your brother in your nest. I reckon I wouldn't even... I'd probably just pick him up by the scruff of his neck, drag him into the toilet and give him a fucking swirly and leave it at that. He could probably... With Luigi, you could do this move. You know, you get your fist up, you punch real close to their face, but you don't connect. I think that would devastate Luigi.

He might cry. That said, he still has fireballs. He still has, like, a punch. I just think Luigi wants, like, there's a tipping point where he'll fight back, and then we won't be able to predict his moves. Oh, yeah, he'll go crazy. But he does have a good neck for strangling. Perfect neck for strangling.

Yeah, I'm strangling that Luigi. Great belly for punching. And if he does a fireball, Zabit, what are you going to do? I'm going to avoid it. Yes! I'm learning. We're figuring it out as a team. Although I do like that my burned hands are wrapping around his neck, clearly causing

more irreparable damage. Yeah. So I'm strangling him, you're smacking his belly, that's a dead Luigi. Such violence and blood Yeah. So I'm strangling him. You're smacking his belly. That's a dead Luigi. We're not... Such violence and bloodlust. Yeah, that's a beat up Luigi. Are the cops an issue for us?

No. No. We've paid them off. Yeah. They're coming in being like, oh, sick, real life Super Smash. You got a boy? Whoa, is that a real life Luigi?

And we give him a big thumbs up. Hit him for the cops they say. We hate that guy. For some reason everyone hates Luigi and all the other Smash Brothers characters from the first Smash Brothers. Alright who's next? Easy that's Luigi gone. Done. Fox McCloud has a gun.

And he's so zippy. He's so quick. Hey! Hey Fox! That's where like hey are you Fox McCloud from Smash He's so quick. Hey, fuck! Oh no! That's where like, hey, are you Fox McCloud from Smash Brothers? And he's like, yeah. Then he's drunk.

Then he just shoots at our tires and starts walking towards the car. Wind up the window, wind up the window. Fox McCloud getting his hand in the car Just shooting us all So easy to imagine It's just a stone cold expression Yeah I just don't see If you bring a gun to a fist fight You're gonna win and he has a gun

We can't get rid of his gun He brought it to the fist fight We will get shot in the heart and die Yeah and it's a laser so it's probably just gonna go straight through us. He could shoot through all of us at once. Exactly. We're all lined up. He's like, oi, plumbing boys. And then bang, straight through all our

bellies. Yeah, that's almost the opposite. Fox McCloud leans out of the X with the, what's it called? The Y wing? The, whatever his spaceship is. Oi! Are you the plumbing boys? Yeah, we're just getting heaps of McDonald's for our bellies. You want some nugs?

Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my belly. It has a big hole in it. That human fox has murdered me. It's all right, though. I can put these nugs straight in my belly hole. Direct circuit.

Got you, Fox Mc... And then we die. Yeah, and then I'm murdered by Fox McCloud, who won't go to jail. Yeah, you can't arrest a fox. That's true. Alright, well, Fox McCloud sort of cheated, but unfortunately I think that's sort of a victory royale to him. Yeah, speaking

of cheated, do you know what else you shouldn't bring to a fist fight? A sword. And a shield. Link. Yeah, look, the problem with a lot of these Smash Brothers customers is they have weapons. All we have is whatever we can find in the car. Okay, look, if they have a weapon, can we use a tire iron? Whatever we can find in the car. He has a shield and is a trained sword fighter, so it doesn't matter what weapon we have, provided it's not a gun.

But even then, his shield will block bullets. That's true, that's true, that's true. Surely there's a way we can beat the shit out of Link. He rolls a lot. Can we use that to our advantage? He's got bombs, though. He does have bombs. We're just like, hey!

He's just like, yup! Oh my god! His poop car exploded. Hey, is that that elf fuck Link? Oi, Link! Oh no, he's got a bomb.

What? Throws the bomb in the car. We can't... Hot potato! Hot potato! Hot potato! Boom. Alright.

Link carries on rolling around the McDonald's car party in celebration. Also, he's got a boomerang. He's got a lot of stuff. He's carrying so many more weapons

than we are. By the time you get out of the car, hit him in the back of the head with the tire iron. He's sliced you in half. Or a boomerang has cut your eyeballs out. There's no way to win against Link.

Yeah, well, sorry. And much to Zammett's delight, those fights also don't end with just someone unconscious. They're deaths. Yes. But they're deaths of dead boys. Deaths of us. Here's somebody who doesn't have a weapon.

Kirby. Ah. I feel like any time my fist connects with Kirby, it just goes in like a marshmallow. So Kirby, when Kirby ducks, Kirby literally becomes very thin. Yeah. Meaning that his body is malleable. Meaning that our fists and kicks mightn't go far. But he has no

elbows or knees. And big eyes. Yeah. Great for gouging. Yeah. The moment he tries to suck one of us in and eat us, I'm eating him. Oh, from the inside out. Yeah. Good luck Kirby dealing with my teeth. Yeah, Kirby has no teeth.

In a bite off, humanity wins. Yeah, look, if we're punching him and nothing's happening, I'm picking him up and taking a big old chomp. No, see, if he goes flat, don't you even need to worry about that, because I just realized, your best attack isn't a punch here, it's a stomp. Oh, true. He goes flat, but then your foot's still

on top of him and then he can't like get up i just keep having this image into a rock though well if he turns into a rock we wait we just pick up the rock he can fly he does like we throw rocks to adam as he floats around the car park get down we can sneak up on him. He turns around, we stomp, he's stuck. Turns into a rock, I then can't hold him down. Then I just keep my foot on the rock tell you to go get some rope from the car. We tie a rope around him and a rope around the car.

Take it for a drive. How do you like those apples, Kirby? That's a red shmeel. It's weird because I'm still unclear as to what the rules are But the idea of Kirby eating you And doing that thing where he ducks down to try and get your powers

But because it's the real world Nothing's happening Holding inside him like you're not shitting me out Kirby I like the rules of like what is real life And what isn't It's so complicated He swallows me and I basically start punching my way through

and wear Kirby as a suit. Yeah, I feel like Kirby has no organs, given that he's just one big head. He swallows me. Imagine you look at this big fluff ball or this big pink ball, and then you just see the shape of my arm from the inside, kind of like... Almost like any horror movie.

Yeah, just coming out of the TV and I just punch straight through. Punching through Kirby's arms. You could probably burst Kirby. Yeah. Or we could grab another thing, you could just grab him from both sides and stretch him. Yeah, that's true. He's like taffy. Yeah, he's a taffy boy. Split down the middle and then, great, we've got two halves

of a Kirby. Unfortunately, that one ended in death. Yeah, look, I'm wearing him. I feel like that's hard to avoid with Kirby. I don't ever want... Have you ever been in a fight? Should the cops know? No, they should not. Sorry, I asked if you've been in a fight. Have you been in a murder?

No. Shut up! Not only a fight if we just grab Kirby and tear him in half. It's the same thing, right? That's a fight, yeah? Oi, Kirby. And yeah, we've torn him in half. I like the idea of us, as we run out of the car to Kirby, Kirby just inflating and floating away.

And then turning into a rock and just crushing the car. Kirby! Yeah, shit. Kirby, you're not going to pay for this because you don't understand currency. I also like the idea that almost everyone has destroyed our car. Absolutely. Even though we defeat Mario, we look behind us and the car's on fire from fireballs.

Ah! And now a quick word from our sponsor. Or just a weird pause. But while I have you here, have you heard of our sister podcast, Shut Up A Second? I'm not in it, so already we're off to a great start. Jackson hosts it, and it's just comedy without the pretense of pop culture garbage.

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I'm prepared to call that for us, plus there's three of us. Oh, yeah, shit, I haven't been dallying anything. We beat Mario and Luigi and Kirby. We lost to Link and Fox. Okay, who's next? Our car has been destroyed every single one of the times. Okay, let me just chuck in car. One, two, three, four, five.

Because I feel like Mario and Luigi, we dod dodge fireballs, but they hit our car. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Well, it's just exactly the same scene. One's just a red fire on the other screen. Okay, Jigglypuff. Sort of similar to Kirby, but can't inhale us. Probably has meat inside. Can bite.

Has teeth. Yes. Can bite. Can put us to sleep, though. Also, one of its moves is a big punch. Oh, man. Okay, maybe this is more than we can chew. Because Jigglypuff...

Chewing, though. No, too big to eat. Yeah, Jigglypuff, we're talking, like, what? Kirby is also too big to eat, but look, I want you to have your fun. Look, you just chew a little bit of him. Well, Kirby's, like, Laffy Taffy. Jigglypuff is meat like I said before. Ah good point.

So unless you want to eat raw Pokemon. Maybe I do. Well that's alright. Your hiccups are getting worse. Oh Tommen's wrong with my body. This is the first episode, first podcast where someone will die on air. I'll vomit up all of my guts like a shark. Give him a wash.

I'm so sweaty for some reason. I don't know why. I don't know if that's related. It is hot, but... Not that hot. Not that hot. Jigglypuff can send us to sleep. Yes.

So Jigglypuff, if we let her get a song in, we'll wake up and we'll just... Well, we won't wake up. We'll just go to sleep and she'll punch us. Break our necks. Well, I'm trying to think of Jigglypcks. Well, Jigglypuff, I'm trying to think of Jigglypuff's moves. Jigglypuff is that, does She might, look, Jigglypuff's move is like

putting us to sleep and then coward punching us. Yeah, absolutely. Back of the head, everyone's dead. In the new Super Smash Brothers, Jigglypuff can do that rolling move across the stage. Yeah, but that isn't in this one. That isn't in that one? No. Okay. Same way, yeah, Link doesn't have a bow either.

Yeah, okay, okay. So Jigglypuff's just got punches and singing us to sleep. Oh, but Link had a hookshot. Yep. Link killed us, definitely. Link killed us immediately. Link could kill us so many times. Imagine getting a hookshot all throughout Bally's.

Oh, why? And he pulls us towards him and then he just stabs us. Almost has enough that he could be in Mortal Kombat. Yeah, absolutely. He should be. Hashtag. Mortal Kombat 11 is coming out on Switch. I like to think the way Kirby, I mean, not Kirby, Jigglypuff makes us destroy our car

is that she just makes us go to sleep while one of us is at the wheel. And we just bump into the car in front of us at the McDonald's. I like the idea that she just puts us to sleep then just beats the shit out of our car then just breaks our necks. Imagine that, like, big, round, unblinking, clearly unintelligent face being the last thing you ever see. Okay.

The fact that Jigglypuff can put us to sleep means we're losing this fight. You reckon it's a guarantee? What if we're quick? But it's a very small diameter. And yeah, what are we doing? We're crowding. Yeah, yeah.

That's our go-to move. Yeah. I like the idea of trying to do it quickly, getting out of the car and running, and she sends me to sleep as I'm running, and I just fall and grind my face along the asphalt. And in our haste to get out of the car, no one put the handbrake on. That's rolling off of me. Nobody even took off their seatbelts.

We were just so eager to kill Jigglypuff. Bye! Bye Jigglypuff! Bye Jigglypuff! Bye Jigglypuff! Okay, so that's one to the Super Smash Bros. characters. All right. All right.

Who's next? All right, let's go someone that I think, oh, man, we're running out of people we have a chance against. Let's go Donkey Kong. Okay. Okay. Kels is instantly, he is a big giant. We do nothing.

We don't notice Donkey Kong until he's on top of our car doing the move and we're all of a sudden crushed in the car. Alright, Super Smash Bros, they get another point. Who's next? Okay, DK, he got us good. He got us in the car and won. Let's go Yoshi.

What's it like to become be shat out as an egg? Imagine the moment if Yoshi eats me and turns me into an egg, the moment I crack out of that egg, I'm done. I'm out of the fight. Again, it's hard to... We've changed the question here.

It's how would we cope in Super Smash Bros. That's true. But again, if you go on by like... It depends what rules you're going by. Because if he cannot consume... He's smaller than us. He shouldn't be able to consume us and shit us as an egg if anything, you ever see when

a snake eats too much? That's true we're bursting Yoshi I don't think we're bursting because I think if we're applying those physics tongue comes out, sticks to us and then is just stuck tongue comes out, sticks to me in the chest and I just grab the tongue and start pulling my way towards

oh god you'd pull it out to me in the chest and I just grab the tongue. Oh, you're so horrible. Oh, God, yes. You'd pull it out. You'd be trying to pull it away to Yoshi, but then the tongue would just come out. I tie it to a lamp post. He's got no teeth. Hit him in the head. Does he have teeth?

It doesn't have sharp teeth. I am imagining Yoshi with human teeth, but I know that is not the way. No, I feel like it's got, like, dog teeth. Yeah, does Yoshi have dog teeth? I think Yoshi has human teeth, if any. In any depictions, I don't think Yoshi has any teeth. I'm happy to sacrifice my head, so if Yoshi tongues to my face,

I will run at Yoshi and headbutt him in the throat so that he can't do anything about it because my head's inside his mouth. And you guys can come up on either side and punch him in his little brain. We just finished saying that we think Yoshi has teeth. I also think she does. That's why I said, sacrifice my head. Honestly, the moment he pulls out his tongue

to lick us, and you grab it and rip his tongue out, that's a dead Yoshi. Yoshi's not gonna know what to do. I just don't know if I'd be it and rip his tongue out, that's a dead Yoshi. Yoshi's not going to know what to do. I just don't know if I'd be able to pull that tongue out. It's long. Although Yoshi's pretty close to us. And the three of us. If you like, if we... It wouldn't matter because Yoshi would be stuck and confused so he could just

go up and hit it and it would not be knocked out. One punch. Man, that lizard had a saddle. Whose was this? Is this lizard's saddle a saddle or a weird back? Chuck him on the pile that Mario and Luigi use. Chuck him in the boot. We'll take him home. Why is he wearing runners?

Is this someone's fucked dog? Oh, no. Excuse me, McDonald's patrons. Does anyone leave a fucked dog outside? I think I saw a van accidentally hit it and run away. Van accidentally hit it and that cut its tongue out. Yeah. Also, the van punched it.

You can see the van's punch wounds on its face. I like to imagine putting up a lost dog. Like, lost fucked dog. Is wrong but mine. Is this your fucked dog? We don't want it or like it. Also, it's dead. You're welcome. So, that's dead. You're welcome.

So that's a dead Yoshi. That's a dead Yoshi. That's one for the Plummy Boys. Alright. Ness, a child. Easy. An electric child. Oh, he's got a bat though. That means we can get a tire iron. Electric child with a baseball bat. I don't know if I could hit a ten year old.

It depends if he comes out swinging. But he won't because he's not expecting it. He's just getting McDonald's. He's 10. That's true. Oi, is that nice? No, you lock the doors. Leave that child alone.

He's got PK fire. Yeah, which is not... Well, you like fire. Yeah, you'll kick it. You'll kick it. See what happens. And that one becomes a pillar of fire. Yeah, sure does.

So look... That will kill you Depending on if you think you can deflect it Or you just avoid it Because it's also easy to avoid If we don't fight Ness Is that a loss to us? There's no loss to Ness though We gotta fight him

We gotta fight this boy I'm sorry I wish I didn't have to fight this boy. I think I'd try and be like, hey, Ness, you're a bit of a small piece of shit, aren't you? Yeah. Makes you want to hit me with that bat, hey? And then he does. Yeah, that's all right.

Then you're self-defense. I just need to body one hit on a baseball bat. You've got to goad him in. All right, so he's going to kneecap you with a baseball bat. Douche is on the ground crying. Now it's up to us two. Your kneecap is shattered. He's got a lot of with a baseball bat. Douche is on the ground crying. Now it's up to us two. Your kneecap is shattered. He's got a lot of power behind that bat.

I reckon I can cop one shattered kneecap and not just instantly faint. I don't know if that's true. That's a bold claim. I got hit by a car as a joke once. I got hit by a car as a prank once. That's different from a shattered kneecap. That's true. Getting hit by a car does hurt prank once That's different from a shattered kneecap That's true Getting hit by a car does hurt though

Even if it is silly Was it a stranger's car? No Alright, just a friend I said it like that makes the story I was like, no of course not It's more baffling now It wasn't a prank on the driver

Okay, it was a prank on you I'm actually not It doesn't matter The on the driver. Okay, it was a prank on you? I don't want- I'm actually not- I'm not- It doesn't matter. I'm not concerned. The thing is, I got hit by a car. I knew it was coming and was not shocked when I got hit by something. A shattered kneecap would drop you to your knees and then Ness would

hit you in the back of the head. Gangland style. Although, do I know that Ness has a bat? Because I could probably do something where I could cop it. Either way, you're copping a baseball bat, then me and Jack are like, oh no, let's get that little

kid, and then guess who gets a baseball bat to the knees? He's got the range of a baseball bat is big, and I can't get into it. If I'm hit with a bat once with force, I'm telling you now I am down for the count. So he's down for the count.

I'm like, oh no, this small child with that bit of wood is going to get me. And then he PK fires me. And I was like, what is this? I thought he was just a kid with a bat. That's weird because every other one we've known is a Super Smash Brothers character. Or he's going to PK Thunder himself into me and then I'm dead.

Yeah, okay. He's going to PK Thunders, does a little loop, smacks into himself, hits me, me into our car, I'm dead, car's ruined, great. McDonald's on fire. All right. So that's Ness. Samus.

Has a giant gun for an arm. Yeah, also has armor. So that's Ness Samus Has a giant gun for an arm Yeah Also has armor Can you We could punch her And then we're like Oh my My hand is broken

And then she's gonna be like Stand still while I charge up my gun She's gonna be like What's that? What's happening though? Just wait one moment But Samus What's happening though?

Bang What's happening? Disintegrate someone. Okay, so three crushed hands and three dead boys. Because there's no way we're getting out of that without... Yeah. Die. Even still, she may, like, come up in a ball, drop some bombs, and then our car's gone as well.

Exactly. As we're dying, we turn around and realize she dropped bombs in there earlier because she knew it was coming. She is a bounty hunter. Yeah. Damn. Okay. That's Samus. She kills people that are...

Like, Samus is one of those characters that isn't particularly super good because, again, she's a bounty hunter. So she's probably killed people that probably didn't deserve it. And we deserve it. Exactly. We're done. She feels no remorse.

Okay, Pikachu. This is a big rat. A big electric rat that could kill us. That's easy. This is a big rat. A big electric rat that could kill us. That's easy, I'm stomping it. Yeah, I feel like we could stomp Pikachu. If we're quick. It's very quick. It's about the size of a...

Small dog? I could stomp a small dog. Small dog size. Imagine you electrocuted a small dog. No, it's different. If I step on it, do I get zapped? It depends how quick you are. I'm pretty slow and chubby. It's not like that if you hit Pikachu, it just zaps you straight.

It's not like a self-defense built-in mechanism. But I reckon if Pikachu knew it was being attacked, like if you gave it... We'd probably get one hit in on a Pikachu, I'd say. And then it would just use Thunder, and we'd all die. Yeah, or our car gets electrocuted from above. You know that move? From a little rain cloud that appears over our car.

That's Thunder. Oh, there you go. Well, yeah, then we'd all die. Well, I reckon that might be one to each of us, because I reckon I could kill Pikachu in like three kicks. But at that point I am being PK thundered. So I reckon that's one each. We all die. We all fall down. Yeah.

And even when Pikachu get us with the thunder and we fall forward, we might kill it. Yeah, if we land on Pikachu Pikachu's done. Pikachu has quick attack, though, which makes me think that it's quick. Well, yeah, but I reckon three kicks and Pikachu's in the bin, personally.

Three kicks and I'm picking Pikachu up by the tail and just yeeting it into the nearest trash can. But if Pikachu manages to thunder me, and I think Pikachu's quick enough that Pikachu could, I am also dead. That's a stalemate. That's a point each. Personally, that's my belief. I feel like we might knock out Pikachu, but Pikachu will kill us.

That's fair, but we still won the fight, technically. Finally, we come to the granddaddy of them all, Captain Falcon. Oh, well, he is just a guy. He's just a guy with an incredible punch. But he's a very fit guy. And even without his incredible

punch, which is slow, it's still faster than any of us. He does heaps of flips and shit. Yeah, he's just a guy in great shape. A guy in great shape can beat us in a fight it's not like he doesn't need powers

he just needs to be a moderately fit human being and we are done also the idea of him being like falcon and I'm like why is he mentioning a falcon punch he'll kill your hiccups but you'll vomit up your guts

This is how Houdini died You maniac What's wrong with you Yeah Captain Falcon is just Mashing us And then as we lie Because it's not an immediate murder As we lie bloody

We watch him go over to our car And just start beating we lie, because it's not an immediate murder, as we lie bloody beaten on the ground, we watch him go over to our car and just start beating the shit out of it. No! He stands on the bonnet just like, show me your moves! Then just Falcon kicks through it. Isn't that upbeat one he does where he just kind of grabs something and there's an explosion? What is that? I don't know, but it...

Is he attaching a bomb somewhere? Our car's been through so much, Captain Falcon. grab something with an explosion. What is that? I don't know, but it... Is he attaching a bomb somewhere? Our car's been through so much, Captain Falcon. A falcon singed into our tummies, bleeding from every orifice, looking at our car as he's like, Falcon,

no! Car explodes, I vomit blood and die, and it's game over. Why, Falcon? All right, at the end of that, Super Smash Bros. characters are on five, six, seven, eight. We are on five. Oh, yeah, I was going to say, because it was a tie.

One draw. One draw. Seven and four and one draw. I think we did pretty good considering. That's not too bad. We lost a lot of fights by dying, which is typically not what happens in a fight. Yeah. We thought that this would be easy.

I certainly went into this thinking it would be far easier to achieve, to beat the shit out of Smash Brothers characters. Because I was like, most of them are just guys. But as with Captain Falcon, the discoveries that a moderately fit human being is more prepared for a fight than us. Than we'll ever be. You just need to go to the gym regularly and we're in trouble. Yes.

Also, several of them had guns. Yeah, well, yeah. Swords, guns, bombs, can eat us. Can eat us. We're a dinosaur. Like, a lot of them had abilities that we didn't, being that we are just squishy human beings. But we gave it our best. Yeah, that's all. A McDonald's

car park fight, all it's really about is giving it your best. And if you can give it your best, what else is there? And we ripped out a fucked dog's tongue. Yeah. At least we got the moral victory. Yeah. Either way, come back next week where we bring out cousins.

On that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Fuck you, Smash Brothers characters. Leave my car alone. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all the other shows we do here at SantsPantsRadio, then why not subscribe to SantsPantsPlus.com?

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