Plumbing the Death Star - Which Superhero Could Make the Best 80s Instructional Video (Workout)? (Ft. Tyler Marchant)

Episode Date: February 25, 2018

In which our heroes are joined by good friend Tyler Marchant from FutureHorsePod.com to ask the hard hitting question; which superhero could make the best 80s instructional video (Workout)?Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. Getting physical. Hey everyone. After a very successful tour of Australia, Plumbing the Death Star is continuing its get-cooked tour for the Melbourne International Comedy Fest. We're performing for two nights only, Saturday the 14th and 21st of April. Just head to sandspantsradio.com slash live for info on venue, times, and where to grab your tickets. Both shows are completely different topics, and under-18s are welcome, but come with a parent or guardian. Ideally your nan, she loves it when we talk Avengers to her. Once again, head to samspansradio.com slash live to grab your tickets today. Hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing

the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like which superhero could make the best 80s instructional video I'm saying all the things that I know you'll like Make a good conversation I've got a handle, you're just right You know what I mean I took you to an intimate restaurant Then there was a jesting movie By which I mean workout instructional video. Okay. Because I think there are lots of different kinds of 80s instructional videos.

Like, we're not talking, like, Spider-Man being, like, don't do drugs. Right, they're not teaching you how to fix a car. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Oh, that'd be good too all right so best workout so all right so they've got to be in like spandex very bad colors yeah they need a lot of people with them doing the same because i think a lot of these these 80s instructional videos had like a trick yeah they're always like it's just you just do this workout for like a week and you'll be in shape so there kind of needs to be that element of like oh you just do this specific move that i a genius invented and it's always going to be too expensive but you gotta break it down to like 81 low low payments

of 43.99 and then you're like oh it's not so bad but actually like that's a lot of money and there was always kind of like this underlying thing of like you're doing it and you're like i don't think that this is how captain america got to be the way that he is like i don't think i kept on doing this i would look like this guy up on screen no no it was like gene sim not gene simmons gene whatever that guy's name was gene simmons should not be doing a workout it wasn't gene sim rich Richard Simmons? I don't know. Richard Simmons. Oh, wait, no. It was Gene Simmons. No? Gene Simmons is the guy from Kiss. It was Richard Simmons.

Okay, okay. Even though I was so confident earlier, I became confused. All right, well, I'm going to put forward old mate Tone Stark. Okay. Because I reckon he's got, A, the charisma to be a late night kind of cable television 80s workout host. Yeah, true. He's a very handsome boy.

Does he have the body? He's got the body, but I figure he would just give everyone an Iron Man suit, put into auto mode, and it would make the movement. Because it's like, hey, for like $632 low, low payments of $103.99, you can have an Ironman suit

you're renting your Ironman suit there's no way you're going to buy that thing I wonder how much just one Ironman suit would cost finding that out and then finding out how many low low payments it would take well you can probably get the cheapo version that doesn't hold a charge

for very long and doesn't have AC in it you know well that's kind of good because in a workout you'll want to sweat yeah and I can imagine version that like doesn't hold a charge for very long and doesn't have ac in it you know oh yeah like it's like really hot in there well that's kind of good because in a workout you'll want to sweat yeah and i can imagine ah it'd be like a low budget iron man suit it'd be one with an extension cord you got to plug into a wall that's great you're always looking for a charging port when you're out on the town you know fighting crime and you got to plug in he doesn't want people fighting crime because then if he does that he's out of a job. So I'm looking it up here.

So it was 1.6 billion at the start. 1.6 billion. Okay. But in Iron Man 3, oh no, the suits featured in Iron Man 3 cost $7 billion. All right. I was about to say, would they get cheaper because they're easier to manufacture? Would they get more expensive because they're, like, literally physically impossible? Like, all those little pieces that, like, form.

Or, like, when it gets, like, extremis and it's, like, coming out of his skin or whatever. Yeah. And I guess also you've got to remember in Iron Man 3 he was making all variations. You know, he didn't have a mold. Each one was a brand new car. Yeah, that's true. So this one, we just make the mold. And then mass produce it do it on the cheap i'm also realizing that tony stark in that movie has like at least 100 suits and a lot of them are like hulk busters or like

really big ones or like weird snake ones or whatever's going on so did you spend like 600 billion dollars on iron man suits i think. On like just one. Like it seems like. On R&D. How much money does he have? Oh, it's all in research and development, not in the actual building of the thing. Yeah, I suppose. I suppose the building of it is actually not that hard. It's just metal and fucking bits.

He's got like those robot arm things working on it all day. Yeah. Where does he get the metal from? I'm imagining it's going to be like really good metal. It can't be just, you know, steel. It's weird. It's got to be some sort of alloy that is probably hard to mine. Yeah.

Right. Does Iron Man, like this is just an Iron Man question, not necessarily about him doing a workout video, but like does Iron Man do other things with his technology? Like, you know how the problem with Batman is that Batman just sneaky embezzles. Yeah. And his company is meant to be doing like, he builds all these great inventions,

but he never gives them to just like cops or whatever. Tony Stark brags about it. Yeah. Yeah. But like, he does a lot of stuff. Okay. He was going to that.

Um, you went to the university and he's like, I'm giving you this grant and I've made this thing, which is helping me deal with my personal problems live on stage. Everyone's like, okay. Sure what he was selling.

Imagine sitting in the crowd being like, holy shit, Tony Stark, and he just shows that sad clip of him and his dad and you're like, what the fuck is this? Oh, yeah. Yeah. It'd be like if Richard Branson came on stage. My father beat me. Yeah, and you'd be like, what is this? Oh, yeah. Yeah. It'd be like if Richard Branson came on stage. My father beat me.

Yeah, and you'd be like, what the? What is this? Should I be watching this? Here's the nanny cam. You're like, why? Why? Richard, this is... Hi, I'm Richard Branson, and here is a replica using computer animation of what it looked like.

Please don't show me. I'm going to slow it down. That's because my father's face This is not worth the grant. This is not worth the grant. And then I'll leave. I'm trying to figure out how this instructional tape

would work out for Tony Stark if it's a fitness thing. Yeah. What? Because I don't think that he exerts much physical energy most of the time. I saw him hit something with a hammer a bunch. Yeah, that's true.

Maybe he had, like, a big hammer, and he was, like, turning a valve with a wrench, and maybe, like, when he was in that cave in the first one, but he's not a very physical man. But if it's kind of like, you know, those workouts that, like, all you need is the fucking ab fucker Yeah yeah yeah Or that like shake your feet fat

Yeah exactly One of those ones right Don't get shake your feet fat Get shake your feet thick Of course My feet are so fat I got all this feet fat now Suddenly blob from the X-men in your feet

ah it's so heavy to walk yeah i reckon it's gonna be just like imagine this imagine like an iron man suit yeah like a yellow extension cord coming out the back just stripped down of anything fancy it's almost like maybe it even it doesn't have an ai. All it has is several programmed workouts that you can put in using a remote control. It just clambers around you. You're encased in this gross, sharp, pointy... Because again, you've got to mass produce it. So comfort is not high on the program. No, no, no, no.

So it's all enclosed in you. It shakes a bit. Because man, the 80s in workouts, they were all about vibrating they were like you can if all it takes is shaking exactly i was at a living eunuch john's workout video they just got this really strap thing and they're just shaking oh yeah yeah they just don't work right i'm pretty sure like they just like that just makes i don't know about science but i'm like they don't work he's like i just don't That's just not how any of that works.

You know what I mean? I mean, they could have had it right. Maybe we've forgotten about the magic of shaking technology, and it'll come back around soon. The shake weight, that probably worked, right? Oh, the shake weight, that's right. A lot of people bought it as a joke, but it cost like $70. It's a really expensive pick, but it was worth it.

Yeah, no, that's a good bit. Well, there's that platform thing you can get now, which also is like a shaky thing. I stood on one and I could feel my fat jiggle, but I don't know if that's what it was. Is it just a Roomba? I've never seen this before. It's kind of like, so imagine a platform

that just kind of moves from side to side and you can change the speed. Yeah, and you can stand on it. And the thing is, it's just like, you can do this standing, sitting at your desk, on the couch. It's just like, we know who you are, you fat, lazy shits.

Aiding chips. You're not going to get up. Sour cream with a spoon. It's fine. It's fine. Do you sit down on the couch and eat mayo by the jar full well have we got the vibrating stool for you finally seems like a really good way to spill like mayonnaise all over the place

the spoon not reaching your mouth stabbing yourself so that so it's shaking a bit yeah and then it's got like tech it's 80s tech so it's terrible programs so it's like you know you press like arm workout and it's just like and your arms are flapping for far too long yeah i was gonna say like i feel like the danger here is it going wrong and just flapping my arms and i'm like i just can't stop it if that happens you just need to try and launch yourself and unplug it from the wall, I guess. That's your move there. So, yes, I imagine Tony Stark is, oh, okay,

what facial hair do we have in the 80s? Oh, what was the facial hair? Thin mustaches? Usually clean shaven, I think. I don't know, like a lot of mullets, but I don't know what their facial hair was like. There was like the kind of five o'clock shadow sort of like, look this up.

I'm pretty sure that Tony Stark in the 80s probably probably had a more like a like a goatee still yeah i don't think he changed for a while what did he oh the the fucking tom salek mustache yes yeah yeah yeah yeah the big old magnum pi stasha rooney either a big old old Magnum PI stash or a big bushy beard. Yeah, yeah, true. I'm looking at a picture of Tony Stark here with, like, he's got a mullet, he's got, like, a crop top, yellow tank top, and, like, short, short workout shorts and a mustache. Yeah. Oh, wow, I'm seeing that. Holy shit.

You're looking at the same picture that I am? Yeah. Yeah, he's in pretty good shape. He's got Hulk legs for some reason. Oh, wow. He does have the legs of the Hulk. I'm looking at the same thing, too. That's amazing.

Holy shit, Tony Stark. You're a babe. Just babing. All right, so we've got his aesthetic down. We know exactly what he looks like. I feel like people would buy this and not watch the instructional video. They would just want the armor. Isn't that the point of instructional videos?

Like, no one's doing them. Yeah, you're just watching them. Yeah, you're just like, yeah, that's pretty sick, I guess. Just watching them for entertainment just because there's nothing good on TV, I guess. Yeah. Another thing that the Tony Stark armor needs to have with a workout armor is the fat buster armor. Oh, that's good. Is that it needs to be foldable for easy storage.

Take a leaf out of the cartoon. I think it was in Iron Man 2. It folds away into a briefcase. Perfect. And they've got to show it folding away into a briefcase and slipping under a bed or in a cupboard. I like to imagine it's under a bed, but the briefcase is actually huge.

It's just because we can't pay money to make it fit super neatly so the briefcase is like i don't know as big as this table what's that like it's like those 80s cell phone briefcases pretty much yeah except there's a man suit inside of it it's so compatible and lightweight and then it's like a like a shot shot of a businessman But he's trying to look casual But he just can't with a Goss Genshuen case You can take it to the office At play anytime As long as you've got a power port

And a couple of hours free And imagine it's very loud as well Like too loud It's the constant And you're like yeah but it probably plays like some bump in like 80s tunes though so that'll sort of mask it out maybe and then there'll be like the the chameleon song what's that song except it's like it's not coming out it's very tinny and not great also right right your neighbors are gonna hate you definitely absolutely they're gonna be like it's not the music is not

masking the sound of your machine dying i wish you had bought a drum set instead so do you think that this would make Iron Man uncool after a little while? Like if this sold too well, then it would be a lot of kids like somebody's dad is like or some kid is like embarrassed that his dad has this Iron Man workout program. You know, he's like doing it out in the garage and like all the kids are like trying to play video games and eat pizza inside. And he's like embarrassed about it. It is great to imagine like an open garage. The kids are outside playing basketball and the dad with like just little shorts a big mustache and they're like dad right go inside he's like son this is how your dad gets in shape yeah it's like the dad doing karate in

the garage that classic 80s trope yeah so i reckon uh and plus you know the, the backup dancers that Tony Stark will need for this. I mean, you can fill it in with other Avengers or people who have just worn the Iron Man suit. Yeah. You got War Machine and his good buddy. Yeah. Pepper Potts' rescue. I don't know anyone else who's worn an Iron Man suit. I think that he can probably afford a lot of celebrity cameos, too.

You know. Everyone, oh my God, yes. He could. What's a good 80s? Get actual Tom Selleck in there. Actual Tom Selleck. Hugh Hefner? Yes, get Hugh Hefner. Get some wrestlers.

I am Hulk Hogan, and I love the Fat Buster. Paint him green, it'd be great. Nah, I feel like Hulk Hogan would get there and be like, what's the name of this one, brother? And he'd be like, it's a Hulk Buster, but I'm the Hulk! Did you build an armada?

Fight me! No, no, please. I reckon he might. He'd be like, yes. And then he'd do like a charity wrestling match. Well done, brother. Help sell the Fatbuster. That's true.

And like, we know that Hulk Hogan... No, not Hulk Hogan. Wait, yes, Hulk Hogan... No, not Hulk Hogan. Wait, yes, Hulk Hogan? The wrestler or the green man? The green man? The Hulk. No, who else is Paul Hogan? That's what I'm thinking of.

I think that he's an Australian slayer. He is. He was Crocodile Dundee. I was just worried that I was getting Hulk Hogan and Paul Hogan mixed up. No, Hulk Hogan was not a stranger to, like, endorsing a shitty product. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, yeah, he was in Gremlins, too. Is this something that I fever dreamed?

But did he try to have, like, a spaghetti company? Like a Hulk Hogan spaghetti? Like pasta sauce? Yeah, no, like maybe a restaurant? Well, when I Google Hulk Hogan SPA, it comes up with spaghetti. Yeah, it's definitely a thing. I think, yeah, spaghetti mania. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Pasta mania, that's what these pictures are saying. Yeah, yeah, look at him. He's not afraid. Everybody Google Hulk Hogan pasta mania. He was not afraid to endorse a piece of shit. And all the little noodles were him. The noodles were his head and his body flexing and things. That's insane.

Look, they'd done it well. They had done it well. So yeah, you can imagine Hulk Hogan easily spruiking the fat buster. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. And it's the kind of thing where he doesn't need it, but he'll get inside. Oh, of course.

I imagine there'd be a lawsuit involved because I feel that the Fat Buster may break some arms that was going to be my next question what are the dangers of the Fat Buster Iron Man armor well they're high does it overheat? I would say it would overheat

it's pointy probably deafen some people it's probably pretty loud with the music and all that i like to imagine speakers outside but sometimes like something fucks up on the speakers just project into the helmet so you're just like oh my god i figured definitely a fire hazard yeah definitely people trying to get inside of them and fight each other i think that's definitely something that's gonna happen a lot yeah that's true i like that's something you got liable for because you got to have a disclaimer not intended for fighting not intended for fighting evil

oh how great is it to imagine somebody with like a generator under their arm to plug it in to get like a really really long extension like extension cord after extension cord after extension cord that's cord. That's great. It's one of those like crank ones, you know, they have to spin it to get it going. Yeah. Get another one, son. I'm just down the end of the street.

A dad trying to fight like some Skrulls whilst his son has like got a pile of extension cords and he's like, Dad, you're going to be down for a little bit while I add another. God, I hope the Skrulls don't come while i'm inactive well they're like aliens of honor though right like they'll they'll not fight you while you're down they'll wait for you to add an extension cord i think if the scrolls are like aliens of honor

they'll just wait till you got out of the suit yeah that's true yeah you're like this is unfair also with that suit you'd have to be fucking great if you wanted to fight scrolls you'd have to be great at programming what exercise was right because you can't move it yourself you'd have to be like that scrolls coming in for a karate chop when i can just be like glutes or like biceps to karate chop it back well you may just be able to mr magoo your way through the situation though where you're doing the wrong thing but you're like accidentally like cartwheeling and you know i think it's very doable to fight the scrolls in the fat buster iron man armor

absolutely i think also i want to i want to say there's no comfort it's a lot of sharp bits inside it's like a lot of pointy yeah which i like if it overheats yeah you're gonna get very unique burns and stuff yeah and like you're gonna have burns around all of your joints because that would be where the joints are on the suit and that's what the sharp bits would be like an all 80s style workout things there's gonna be like screws loose so it's oh yeah one arm won't work yeah when you get it it's gonna be a piece and you're gonna realize that your warranty actually doesn't cover shit oh yeah right so you're gonna be like oh yeah i've got the hulk buster thing but it just i could like do marching or something but my arms just flail yeah that's

i feel like this is gonna get recalled after maybe a week or two and then it'll be like a real black market situation like a lot of people that really want to do this like weird like kitschy workout from the 80s and they have to like really track it down on ebay or something you know it's the kind of thing where you can kind of imagine like in the modern day finding it in your garage and being like holy shit dad had a fat buster yeah yeah you see that all the ads is tony stark like you know he's not he's never wearing one no because he wouldn't be seen it's like it'll kill you like they're like you know before they're filming the ad they're like tony could you hop in he's like i don't want to. They're like, you know, before they're filming the ad, they're like, Tony, could you hop in? He's like, I don't want to die. As he's talking people through it,

pressing like a host of like an 80s morning talk show, he's like tentatively getting in. He's like, you know, twisting his arm around. You maybe hear a snap. Things are falling in the background. There's a fire. It just cuts like technical difficulties. Imagine it cuts to like that kind of like the suits

they're spinning on like a table and Tony Stark's like, buy it there. Now's your chance, people. Just low screaming in the background. Buy my Fat Buster Iron Man armor. The constant hum of the Fat Buster. The gentle hum of the Fat Buster armor. So $7 billion.

That's how many zeros? Okay. Is it 430? Let's just call it an easy mill. Okay. Because we're mass producing them. Yeah, look. We'll cut some corners.

We're cutting a lot of corners. Okay, so an easy meal divided by how many... How many low, low easy payments are we going to have here? Yeah. I'd say low, low easy payments, we'll give them 24 months. 24 months. Okay, two years sounds good. Okay, so divided by 24.

Yeah. Just 24 low easy payments of 41... No. A lot of money. $41,250.99 Yep. This is like a celebrity craze. All the famous people with money are doing this

and everybody else in the world is like, that looks fun, I guess. I'll never know. You don't want to sell it to the rubes sell it to the rich the rich that's the fucking move god you just have rich people though just like running around in iron man suits with like you know little generators on their side though well that's just like the prince like trying to fight crime well that's why we have the disclaimer not to be used for fighting crime that means not only when they die you know it's still good publis it is and then tony stark

could use you capitalize on this and just be like yes we don't encourage people to use our even though it is a fully functional iron man suit we do not encourage the general public to use our fat buster suit to fight crime wink wink i imagine this still ends with him in a classic tony stark courtroom scene though you know he's got a really big monologue about freedom to do whatever he wants to do it's gonna be pretty good yeah tony stark's somehow turn this around to be about like american liberties or something yeah he's gonna be like it's my right as an american to produce a faulty piece of technology. He's going to be like,

well, Tony Stark, that was pretty inspiring, so fair enough. I reckon the ultimate 80s workout is surely the Hulk. All right. It is a one trick. It's just one weird trick.

One weird trick. Right, right. It sounds more like a 2000s workout, Jackson. That's true, but he could still do it in the 80s. It's just not one weird trick. One weird trick. Right, right. This sounds more like a 2000s workout, Jackson. That's true, but he could still do it in the 80s. It's just not one weird trick. It's just like this one amazing invention. Wow! And it's got to have a lot of graphics on the screen.

Imagine Hulk in his purple shorts with the kind of Hawaiian printed. Yeah, I like to imagine it's all done by Hulk and he's like, did you know this used to be Hulk? And he holds up a photo of Bruce Banner. Ten minutes ago, this was me. Exactly.

Look at this puny boy. All I did was get angry and irradiated. Look at Hulk now. Hulk never been more beautiful. Has this ever happened to you? Please, yes. Oh, sorry. Hey, I was walking and you bumped me. And then you get

punched in the face? Wouldn't you like to become huge and grotesque in such situations? So when man bumps you, you get mad! It's kind of almost adorable because Hulk's clearly misunderstood the point of

a workout video right hulk's not really offering a workout he's just like get angry and get marcelo does would the hulk would the radiation give people consistent results does bruce banner know how to do it so that everybody can become exactly like Hulk-ish? Or would somebody end up with a big foot? We're going back to the big foot thing again. The only way I know that you get more Hulks is if they drink Hulk's blood. Yeah. Yeah, is that how we got Red Hulk, Grey Hulk, all those guys? Yeah, exactly.

She Hulk, she got a blood transfusion. Maybe it's not necessarily a workout video. Maybe it's an amazing new workout drink right and it's called i don't know hulk 20 or something h20 i like that it's green it's very very green well is his blood green or red he's oh great i'd say great oh wait hang on hang on are we are we trying to ride the celebrity endorsement of the Hulk? I was about to say that Hulk Hogan could do all of the celebrity endorsements for all of these. Oh, that's true.

Why has there never been a Hulk Hogan Hulk? Hulk Hulk. I just imagine, again, and I'm like, has this ever happened to you? And it's just like a nice scene where it's conflict resolution, hulk just bursts in and screams no oh actually that was my order oh hey sorry about that that's my bad it's it's completely fine here hey share my lunch no get angry small injustices deserve big reactions my fashion of bulk is eloquent he's got a fucking he's got one hell of a vocab but he really shouldn't

i'm just imagining like every time you need something done like somebody asks you to like come over and help move the couch, you know, or bring the groceries in and you like start punching yourself, you know, get like really mad and then that you get big and then they want you to help them with it. And you're like,

I'm, I'm not going to do that. And then you just storm off as the Hulk. Yeah. He doesn't care about the groceries or the couch being moved. He's not going to help you move. May help you pick up couch and throw straight to a wall fuck your couch come on now i'd feel weird if i drank hulk's blood call and got hulk powers

calling myself hulk you know what i mean i might call call myself Big Jackson or something. I feel Hulk would encourage it. Yeah, well, I guess She-Hulk is She-Hulk. So, like, fair, but it still feels wrong. Like, Hulk-Hulk. I feel this is just not a Bruce Banner plan. This is 100% a Hulk plan. This is Bruce Banner wakes up in, like, the remnants of giant 80s workout gear,

like a gargantuan headband covering his eyes, and he's like, what the fuck did i do see he's a big billboard with hulk being like get angry drink my blood oh no well i'm also just realizing that like bruce banner has to be very like conservative about what he does with his blood that's why not everybody in the world is a hulk because if one person gets it then they would spread it on to somebody else who would spread it on to somebody else eventually we just have world war hulk but yeah that's true that's true it's actually weird that if hulk's blood transfused like it's not as hulking is not an std right yeah that's what i was saying like in in the

80s sharing probably not the best idea i don't know yeah yeah but yeah why isn't hulking an std surely like if it's blood well i guess i don't there's probably a difference between like ejaculating into somebody and a blood transfusion i gotta assume it's gonna be like the 80s aids scare but with hulking if you hulk you hulk with everybody that person's ever Hulk just death rolling a bowling ball down hitting a bunch of Hulks and just crack open the bowling ball don't let this happen to you god I am not gonna Hulk Jesus Christ I I do know that at some point Spider-Man Peter Parker gets Mary Jane very very sick by having sex with her so that probably the same with hulk i don't know yeah i think it's a worry but if it's just look it's

just his blood and hulk has i like that that means hulk and hulk not bruce battle hang on a second yeah betty ross yeah because she ends up being red hulk yeah yeah yeah or red she wait what i thought that was her dad. Her dad's Red Hulk. She's Red She-Hulk. Really? I didn't know that. Yeah.

Is she the only one that Bruce Banner has slept with? Presumably. In comic book history. But how did she become Red She-Hulk? I don't know. Let's assume Boney. STD. Yeah. Let's make the assumption here today

that it was boning that Red She-Hulked her. By the way, that's too many adjectives. Red She-Hulk. Call her Rulk or Shulk. Shulk or something. Come on. Big Betty.

Big Betty! There we go. I'm guessing she wants to remain anonymous. is Big Betty. Big Betty! Big Betty! There we go. Because again, it's weird to take out Snape. Oh, secret identities. I'm guessing she wants to remain anonymous. I don't know. Oh, right.

Yeah, fair. Fair, fair, fair. And call yourself, I don't know, Big Martha. Yeah, exactly. I hope I don't know. Why don't more superheroes

just do that? What's your name? Gary Johnson. Yeah, yeah, true. Yeah, I'm Gary Johnson and I'm a microbiologist. Oh, secretly. Parker, newspaper boy. Does Bruce Banner and Betty Ross, do they have like Hulk kids at some point?

Is that something that happens? I mean, probably. I know in Old Man Logan there's Hulk children. Yeah, but they're not for Betty Ross. No, they're not. They're inbred. They're inbred. It's rough. Oh, with him and She-Hulk? Yeah, they're not. They're inbred. They're She-Hulk. Oh, with him and She-Hulk?

Yeah. The rough rate. But this Hulk sports drink. Yes. Do we get Hulk Hogan to drink it before a WrestleMania match? Is that the kind of thing we think we can get here? I think he would be disqualified.

It would have to be a Hulk wrestle tournament. If Hulk Hulk, as in Hulk Hogan who's been Hulked, fights the Hulk, as in the regular Hulk, that's probably a fair match. That's good product placement. It's a nice promotion. What I really like, though, is because it's all Hulk doing this,

this means that Hulk has gone to a drink manufacturing company. He sat down. He signed the paperwork. Yeah. I can just imagine. Also, not Bruce Banner. Hulk. Yeah.

The whole time Hulk. And he's just got that low level of furious that whole time. He's like, give me those contracts. This paper is not great.ulk sign hulk want this amended hulk change this this this then we have deal and make sure you get better ply right he like makes a clause in the contract for like sports coats that will fit him so that he can wear like hulk sized clothes because there's no other way to get that all merchandise hulk big people being like oh i might buy one of those you know that hulk blood drink i might buy it oh no no i can't this is for a giant that that might be

the only reason that he's doing this is because he wants the hulk to be normalized and he wants to just like have everybody when everybody's hulk nobody will be hulk lonely you know hulk to be normalized and he wants to just like have everybody when everybody's hulk nobody will be hulk lonely you know hulk want a world of hulk hulk says it's very funny that bruce bett because really hulk not angry so sad oh there really should be different hulks for different emotions you know like he turns into like when he's horny he becomes a different version of it. Exactly. Oh, I don't want to deal with a horny Hulk. I don't want to deal with a horny Hulk.

No, thank you. Well, I'm imagining, like, a bright pulsating orange for some reason. Definitely pulsating. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, I don't know what could tame that. Nothing is scarier than seeing Hulk and being like, oh my god, it's Hulk, and then realizing he's engorged, and being like, this is going to be a and then realizing he's in gorge and being like

this is going to be a different kind of attack okay everybody run i'm imagining hulk fucking buildings that's what i keep picturing yeah right right there would have to be a place to put the horny hulk like they would have to have like a big area for him that's like a mile wide well you know how like it's just like statues oh yeah well i was thinking when they need to breed a horse oh yeah i have that big fake horse vagina yeah i was gonna say you gotta get like a hulk fleshlight yeah exactly that the government brings out and just at in terror places on the hulk's penis right get it done and we put little drops of the semen in the energy drink for oh and they would have to like they would have to like measure the hulk's penis to know how big to make the hulk flashlight

too you know like somebody has that job i feel just like as a as a measure in in town or in cities you just like strategically place hulk fleshlights around yeah in statues and just see which ones he prefers just because if it happens you know he's got options exactly that he can finish himself off then it's just bruce banner being like i'm so ashamed he's inside of the flashlight it's that big it's like what did i do did i become Did I become horny Hulk again? Yeah, man. Yeah, fuck. Oh, God. Are all these flashlights and statues for me? Yeah, man.

I'm sorry. Hulk really likes the statues where this person's riding a horse. We don't know why. We don't know. He's not fucking the horse. He's fucking the guy. On the horse. It's rough because often they're war heroes. Nobody's really happy about it.

But it's the best. We'll cop it. Generally always war heroes. Generals he likes. Does Hulk have a thing up with generals? Bruce Banner's like, I don't fucking know. Do we think Bruce Banner's going to have to cop? What's the fallout of the Iron Man? Of fat buster iron man armor was obviously right like death

but like what what is the the downfall here that bruce banner's gonna have to deal with well i i think it's definitely temporary it has to be a one-off thing because one you're only gonna make money if it's a one-off thing and not or like when you take it and it happens for 15 minutes then you're back to normal and also you don't want to like put this curse on people forever like oh i was 14 and i tried some of that hulk stuff and now i'm hulk forever you know yeah that's true so it's got to be a temporary thing at least well that's either hulk's intention or how hulk sells it yeah yeah but it's right and it is permanent i see i just can't yeah i can't't see Hulk thinking ahead and making it like a 15 minute thing. Yeah, only 15 minutes!

Only last 15 minutes. Or a year. Or forever. He would have to give it to the businessmen that he's making this deal with if he's going to convince them to do this Hulk thing. They have to be Hulk men too or else they're not going to buy into this deal.

Just like a whole bunch of Hulks in suits right yeah imagine how terrifying the recall would be you're like you take that hulk drink you're like sweet i'm a hulk i can't wait for this to wear off and then you see on the news like hulk drinks recalled because leave you permanently a hulk all of them get angry and they cause mass havoc yeah br, Bruce Banner's gonna have to deal with, like, angry customers who are also Hulk. Being like, Hulk want money back!

Hulk want money back! What does he think? He's gotta give it to him. Financial ruin is the fallout from this. I like Bruce Banner being like, what money did hulk invest in construction for a bit or something you know demolition i guess yeah exactly all hulk's gonna be a hero for hire one building yeah i still like to think hulk is a secret bank account

offshore i is kind of curious that all these like civilian hulks just want money they're just like well I'm a hulk, I guess. The cash I spent on the drink, which would have been like, what? Three bucks? Gives back. Gives back. I'm just... I need it, okay? That's three bucks. Give me more of that. Oh, they're hulks

now, so I need more hulk juice. What if you're a hulk and then you drink the hulk juice? Double hulk? I don't think Hulk thought that far ahead Yeah, you would become massively irradiated And you would die probably Yeah, part of me wants to say that You know those people, like Red Bull

Only have one and maybe a half a day And there's people who are like, no I can skull eight So what if you're like, I'm going to skull eight Hulk to go, so whatever Yeah, I'll mix the Hulk stuff with vodka Yeah Do you want to do a Hulk blast? Skull 8 Hulk to go. I'll mix the Hulk stuff with vodka. Do you want to do a Hulk blaster? A Hulk bomb?

Yes! Hulk bomb! I'm also just imagining at this point all of these ideas that we're having. People doing them in the gym. You go to the gym and you've got Hulks and people in Iron Man suits and Black Widows and Batman and all of this stuff chaos just the people drinking the hulk uh the h2o uh just looking at the people in the stark outfits being like that's what i should do all right like being

like iron man there's emergency hulk busters in public just in case anybody hulks out and becomes uncontrollable i like to imagine you know fat buster has a button you press yeah it's a deal with a hulk buster i like you know like they're like i in i don't know the olympics or whatever this person was roiding or being like that person's been hulking there's hulking in the olympics it's not you would know yeah if somebody does like a marathon as the hulk you would know like the tour de france has like basically four people who aren't hulks right everyone's doing it everyone's gonna do it yeah if you're the one guy who goes like totally natural in the gym you're like trying to like

impress people with your progress, and everybody's like, I did that in five minutes. Exactly. All you've got to do is Hulk. All you've got to do is Hulk, and you turn into, you actually gain height. I like Tour de France as your choice, because I can't imagine Hulk on a bicycle.

So now I'm imagining the four people who didn't Hulk just win. All the other Hulks are like, ah! Struggling with the bike, destroyed under the air. It's like riding a clown. Right. Edel getting caught underfoot. Getting more mad, more furious. Yeah, the Hulk

doesn't have a lot of balance, I would guess. No, he's not a graceful kind of fellow. No. Now he's imagining competitive dance. Just like now he's imagining like competitive dance it's great to imagine at the olympics um like the marathon but they do it beforehand so they like drink it they go out to do like run the marathon and it happens they run the marathon but they just turn and go into the crowd just start destroying people because they didn't

expect the hulk to come like that they're like yeah oh my god what has happened to i don't know any 80s marathon runners i'm sorry but also that's not surprising so hulk 20 yeah do we think it's a it's the workout that the people want do we think it's the the... How does it stack up? It works for lazy people and people that have an inferiority complex. It would be very popular. Would you guys do Hulk 2-0? Yeah.

Yeah, I'd do it. I imagine I'd do it not knowing. It seems like the kind of thing someone's like, you can get instant muscles. I'd be like, shit, yeah. It'd be one of those ones like, I'm tired and I don't really feel like a coffee yeah i'll give me one of them hulk i'm awake and muscly and green and giant well what determines your color because red hulk's red i thought that he was red because he was evil though i guess green isn't naturally a good color i don't know green's the color of nature and gamma you think that they could modify

them to make you whatever color you want to be like could i be pink hulk if i wanted to be could i be rainbow hole i would say yes maybe it's kind of like you know you're like hulk to a red hulk to a rainbow hulk to a pink hulk to a blue and that determines your color pulsating orange yeah exactly hulk is this from horny hulk they would figure out the like one color is like really really bad for you like in the 80s when the red m&ms game like made you sick it would be that like all the blue hulks are just like really fucked up hulk blue will give you diarrhea don't drink it something about the dye they use it's oh no hulk diarrhea that's terrible it's no good you know it's world changing yeah yeah

the fat buster is like look is this gonna be some lawsuits but yeah the hulk 20 is world changing the fat buster will be forgotten by like the 2000s but like the hulk 20 has changed the what the we can't imagine what 2019 looks like if hulk 20 is on the market in the 80s yeah it's a post-apocalyptic wasteland for sure i mean that does not turn out good no matter what it is it's too many hulks yeah too many hulks it's a lot of i guess it's a lot of like the day after a lot of people waking up being like what did i do yeah i didn't walk to a statue i do like that that means that there'd be like this period of time where humanity, like every week,

there'd be like one day where everybody's like, okay, okay, okay. We got another day to plan how to stop the hulks before the, we all become hulks again. I was about to say you blast them all off into space. Like they did with Hulk that one time and they all end up in gladiatorial

combat. Yeah, that's right. They can have their own little planet or an island somewhere. We can give them a planet, a Hulk. I fear though that we've just turned our own planet into that because

there's just way too many Hulks. We should leave as humans. That's the better play. I just can't imagine anyone not being a Hulk. I can't imagine someone having the Hulk 2-0, throwing on the ground, and then ants drinking it. Or like, hey, I'm going to feed my dog some Hulk 2-0 and see what happens.

Viral video. Baby takes Hulk 2-0. Oh, shit. Big baby. Big baby. Like old grandma H2O. That'd be, I don't know. That sounds like fun, actually.

We've cured a lot of problems of society, but made one big one. Well, look, if everyone's Hulk, no one's Hulk. You know what I mean? Yeah. If we all are Hulk, then we're happy. We just Hulk around. What does Hulk need and want? Not much.

Not much. He doesn't even need shelter, to be honest. Yeah. So houses are no longer needed. Think of all that entertainment. It kind of seems like in the movie, he's getting a little bit more verbose and maybe maturing, I guess, as he stays Hulk.

So maybe that would happen with everybody. You would have Hulk in a business suit 20 years after taking Hulk 2-0. He's totally just ready with the business world. He's got his Hulk kids, his Hulk wife. And he's just calm and collected all the time it's just the only people that have to worry are astronauts who come back right i guess everyone became a hulk in my absence yeah it'd be like planet of the apes yeah it'd be good it's just planet but you're right like hulks are just

eventually we'd just be hulks and it would just be like normal life but we're all big and green or blue and shitting out oh and there's and there's like a resistance of humans that are like hiding underground, you know, trying to take out the Hulk. So it'd be like a Terminator situation. Yeah, but the best thing to do there is poison their water supply with Hulk 2-0. Exactly. Right, right. Because, you know, it's just assimilation by Hulk. It's assimilation by Hulk.

What started as a simple business endeavor by the Hulk. A little side hustle by the Hulk to make some coins. Whose mind is inscrutable, because why was he doing that? Bruce Banner would be so confused. And it would very quickly become non-profitable for the Hulk, because once all of your friends are Hulk, they can just share their Hulk blood with you. Exactly.

It's like a blood pact, and then we're all Hulks. Hulk's stupidity was his downfall. Hulk's gonna make the big bucks. Once several generations go down, they're gonna be smarter Hulks. That's true. If anything, it's good. A smart Hulk is

terrifying. That's what I don't want to be up against, I think. Wow. A Hulk with an understanding of anything what I don't want to be up against, I think. That's a... Wow. A Hulk with an understanding of, like, anything. I don't know. Does a Hulk need to eat? I don't... Well, he's still a guy.

He's eating in Thor Ragnarok. He has, like, a big, like, cantaloupe or something. Yeah. But I feel that's because he wants to, and it's, like, a decadent thing. And he's like, I'm good. I'm gonna eat this cow. Can't die, right? Yeah, he can't die. I'm sure he's died he wants to, and it's like a decadent thing. And he's like, I'm good. I'm going to eat this cow. Can't die, right? Yeah, he can't die.

I'm sure he's died at some point, though. I'm sure Deadpool has killed the Hulk or some nonsense like that, right? Comics have been around for a long time. That's true. I just remember the comics, like the Hulk, The End, which is about the death of Hulk. But it's not the Hulk dying. It's Bruce Banner. I just Googled the Hulk dies, and the first article says 15 times the Hulk died. So's Bruce Banner. I just googled the Hulk dies and the first article says

15 times the Hulk died. So at least 15 times. It has happened. It is possible. We got Fat Busterama rocking around. A lot of people are. What are you throwing in the mix?

I was thinking that a Daredevil one would be really interesting. Because that's something you can do whether or not you're blinded. I feel whether or not you have the weird, like, you know, radiation from the chemical spill or whatever. I feel like he could really help the blind learn how to fight and maybe, you know, help people learn how to fight in pitch darkness. And I think that's kind of cool. Yeah, but I feel like if Daredevil, if I was blind and Daredevil comes to me and he's like you know i'll teach you how to fight blind i'd be like you're not really blind though daredevil because you got radiation in your eyes and you can basically see you got good hearing yeah right so right i got shitty hearing still just saying but then you

would turn him down he would teach somebody else how to fight, and then you'd be like, I had the chance to learn from Daredevil and I didn't, and now this other guy's a great blind fighter. Yeah, that's true. I mean, it doesn't have to be blind people. You could blindfold yourself. You know, I think the ability to be able to hear for a solid block around you

and map your surroundings is pretty cool. I do like the idea, though, of Matt Murdock forcing people to go blind for a workout, though. Him being like radiation on my eyes made me amazing. Radiation on your eyes. No, sorry, not radiation. So he's a supervillain now. The ooze that made the Ninja Turtles made me blind.

I remember that, yeah. If the whole world's blind, then nobody is. Exactly. It's a whole bunch of blind hul the whole world's blind, then nobody is. Exactly. It's a whole bunch of blind hulks. We just made blind hulks. We just made blind hulks. All right, so what's he marketing here?

So is this like a technique? Is this like a closing your eyes? Is this kind of like a Tai Chi situation? Is it the kind of thing where it's like it starts with Daredevil in the middle of a room full of guys in like workout clothes. The lights go off. They come back on and everybody's falling down and he's like wouldn't you like to know how to do this i feel like it's not an instructional video it's an audiobook like it's definitely got to be something

like that you put on the blindfold and then matt murdoch teaches you some stuff and maybe he can teach you some stuff about lies he goes along too i don't know he seems like he he wants everything for the good of humanity matt murdoch seems like a good dude is it kind of like one of those you remember because it's the 80s in it'd be on cassette you remember those old cassette books you would have like four cassettes to a thing and like a cover and you could kind of open them up like learn to fight and oh man defend yourself in a court of law. Yeah, like, learn to defend yourself on the streets and in the courtroom. With Matt Murdock for ten easy steps. And the sheets. That might be bad for blind people, though, because you would just put in the tape and be like, is this tape number two?

I just don't know. I don't know what this is. I do like that that means Matt Murdock. Yeah, I was going to say, Matt Murdock's gone to the effort of making it on tape, but no braille. They can just deal. What kind of like, just like an audio workout.

I don't, is it just- Do four push-ups. One, two, three. Come on. Four. Yeah, we did four. Yeah, I did four push-ups. When I say four, I meant five.

I have to assume. It's very funny to imagine you're like i'm just in this for the law right do five push-ups no one two three four five well done yep sure what how do i i have a big court case coming up matt yeah or if you just want to learn the workout stuff you're like i want to be able to see my surroundings using my senses of smell and hearing but i have to learn about law as well i guess maybe this will come in handy someday i don't know all right close your eyes take a big sniff what do you smell exactly name the things you smell is that a thing you can even teach maybe this isn't an 80s audiobook. Maybe this is a podcast hosted by Matt Murdock. I mean, I don't know.

Can you teach this? Is this something you could teach, Matt? What? Okay, let's all do it now. I've got a bit of a blocked nose. I'm a bit sick, but you guys have got good noses. What do you smell? Shut your eyes.

What do you smell? Hmm. Pine, but that doesn't make sense. Pine? Yeah. Where is there pine in the studio? I don't know. I guess I'm just seeing where Tyler is, and he's got clearly pine stuff, and I'm like, maybe just psychosomatic. Yeah, I live in a wood cabin.

Like, being like, yeah, I guess I smell that. I don't trust my nose. I'm like, yes, I'm in a pine. Oh, I'm not. Pine forest. I'm smelling like an apple candle in the other room. I don't know. I think I can smell toast, maybe. You might be having a stroke.

I don't know. Uh-oh. You might be... The shampoo I used? Yeah, maybe. Oh, no, I did just get a whiff of shampoo. Matt Murdock, help me now. How does smelling shampoo and Zabit pretending imagining the smell of pine?

Yeah, okay. I'm looking at you now. I'm going to move away. I'm going to close my eyes. I actually don't know how far away you are. I'm bad at depth perception. I'm going to touch your hand. Not missed.

I'll reach my hand out even. My hand's reached out. Waiting for Zabit. I touched it. I did. Physical comedy is always great on podcasts. Everybody knows it. I think you guys may have a point

that he can't teach people to have this superpower that he has. He might have to do the thing where he sells the specific toxic waste that gives you this ability. It depends on how scrupulous old Matty Murdoch is, because he could just be like, it'll work. Or does Matt Murdoch know that this isn't like that blind people don't have what he has?

Yeah. Is Matt Murdoch just going to assume that once you're blind, your other senses go up? Yeah, that's right. He's going around trying to teach blind people, like, you can't smell that dog shit a mile away. Like, what's wrong with you? I know you can do this. Yeah, I do it all the time.

It's weird. I came to the room full of blind people being like, so what do you smell? And everyone's like, I don't. I smelled the room. No, no, no. Come on. What do you smell? I don't.

What do you want from us? Hot blonde three blocks away. I can smell her. Exactly. Come on, guys. You're bad at this. I think you just... I don't want to say this, Matt Murdock.

I think you just have a power we don't. This Matt Murdock seems unpredictable and angry for some reason. He had a bit of Hulk 2-0. I can imagine him being on an 80s-style workout. He's like, all alright, this is very simple You just blindfold and then like He does some like sick ninja flips And he's like, and now you do it

And then he'll just kind of take you through it all And again, giving it like Bare minimum kind of Teaching, just to be like, alright He's going to blindfold himself All his backup workout people are also blindfolded And he's like, and now we just do it. And then he has like a whole routine.

The people behind him are smacking each other in the face. Falling over. They have no idea what's happening. Yeah. Good morning America is there, like getting slapped. He finishes, takes off his blindfold. He's like, ta-da. The whole place is just chaos.

Simple as that that the one person the corner who has taken some h2o is hulked out from the running away also wearing a hulk buster like i think that you could do all three of these at once and really just oh yeah you know getting that hulk buster down some hulk juice and then try and do matt murdoch and work out and see what happens to you you don't want a blind hulk in a suit of armor that i assume he can't get out there would be a drinking game based around this like you do all three and then you go out and just like that's your night you know that you got cow tip but like you just kill all the cows right you push your arm through them yeah it's not good well it's imagining with the fat buster slash hulk buster um because it is going to be made

at least like we are cutting some corners but i want to say the structural integrity is going to be there yeah so when i imagine someone hulks out in one it's just going to like cut into them oh and they're going to be like poking, poking out, like... Ugh! If you get, say, like, you know those, like, those 80s, like, the six-pack of... Yeah, yeah. In a beer thing. What are those called? Those plastic things? Like the plastic rings?

Yeah, and you just put it on your gross, fat stomach. Uh-huh. That. Right. Ew! Ew! We've made a sad world. But everyone's got their eyes closed

Everybody is a Hulk In a suit of armor that is squishing them With their eyes closed So not only are they unpredictable They also can't see what they're doing That to me is the perfect workout I think that's Can you imagine how in shape you'd be

Fittest boy or girl around We all picked Marvel heroes. I think we need to spend another hour on DC right now. Batman, be rich. Yeah, Green Lantern. Hand out all the rings. Yes. Green Lantern.

Green Lantern cores get really mad, because that's supposed to be a one-off thing. They're very rare. He's just one Lantern for everybody to share. Everyone, stick your hand into this lantern well spider-man when he got bit he's not dc but when spider-man got bit he got muscly as well that was a sweet bonus yeah that seems to happen with a lot of superheroes you get the power and you get like superman he's muscly but like he never works out no you also can't pass on superman like nobody can gain those powers or else like sometimes i think that probably happens in the comics then you become bad like bizarro like freakish i wouldn't be surprised if there was a variety of kryptonite

that made you real muscly like it's just maybe people injecting kryptonite huh that feels and then nobody can like superman can't touch anyone to save anyone anymore oh he's leaving earth yeah he's he's like oh fuck you guys that's a good way to take out superman right poison like classic dc villain move poison the water supply but just poison it with kryptonite yeah just drop a big fucking like i don't know nugget of kryptonite in the water supply just ground it up yeah kryptonite's got to make normal people sick too though like not in the way that it makes him sick but after a while i guess it is still like a radioactive material i assume yeah it's glowing

green i don't think it's good but i like that idea of dropping it in and then like you go kidnap a citizen drop them from a height. Superman catches them, gets sick. He falls too. Dice. Did it. You win. You win. Gotcha, Superman. And that's how we defeated Superman with our 80s workout.

That was, I'm assuming, our intention. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been Tyler. And where can we find all of your good stuff, Tyler? I am on Twitter at Future Horse Pod, or you can check out my podcast, Cynical Cartoons, where we talk about Saturday morning cartoons

and generally really, really bad kids' movies. It's good stuff. Jackson's been on a couple times. It's great. I always love coming on. We've talked about some shocking cartoons. Yeah, always goes back to scooby-doo somehow yeah which is somehow which i'm i'm so full ah the scooby snack workout

ah i mean shaggy's not fat but he seems like he's starving yeah he's definitely not muscular i mean that's a good diet then all you gotta do is get a dog and the dog will eat all your food for you just eat dog food and let a dog eat your sandwiches he's always running from spooky ghosts i don't know hang out with a sociopath that makes you climb in abandoned buildings and fight criminals oh boy the one that keeps you thin because he doesn't want you to not go through that window. But he'll make you because otherwise he'll skin you.

Scooby-Dooby-Do. Where are you? Let's get into physical. Let me eat your body dog. Your body dog. Let me eat your body dog Let me be your body dog Let's get animal, animal I wanna get animal

Let's get a new animal Let me be your body dog Let me be your body dog Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspants Radio, or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsADad

and I'm at GodDammitZammit if you want to hear our other shows you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there

there's heaps and if you want to support us head to SandspantsPlus.com thank you again for listening and we'll see you

again next time goodnight for now but not forever kisses