Plumbing the Death Star - Which Superhero Could Seamlessly be Replaced by an Ape? (Ft. Matt Stewart)

Episode Date: May 12, 2019

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Sands Pants Radio, oh yes please! Hey, do you sometimes think, I wonder if those handsome voices match their handsome faces? Well, the short answer is yes, we're beautiful. And if you want to see our beautiful faces play board games, head on over to twitch.tv slash sandspantsradio every Friday at 11.30am Melbourne time. That's twitch.tv slash sanspantsradio. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like,

which superhero could seamlessly be replaced by an ape? That's right, seamlessly. So they're just like, hey, oh, it's you, my good friend superhero, including their secret identity. Of course. I'll go first. Punisher. Frank Castle, all of his loved ones are dead, so no one's going to notice that he's all of a sudden an ape.

I just also like the idea before all that goes to shit that Frank Castle as an ape, which ape? He's got big gorilla energy, BGE. He does have BGE. All right, so big gorilla. Before that happened, he had a nice family picnic. Presumably. His wonderful wife, his two half-ape children,

eating some kind of delicious picnic material. What is that, a sandwich? He's probably eating bananas. So I'm imagining him as a gorilla, but not like a big, big gorilla. Just like a, not a baby, you know, an adolescent gorilla. Okay. I also like the idea, you know how some certain monkeys or apes or whatever, when they kind of rock back and forth and they hold their feet

and they kind of rock like that? I'm imagining that's how he dodged the bullets. Well, see, what I was imagining is that in this situation, he didn't start out because he was seamlessly replaced. I was starting with just like the day that I decided, the day he became Punisher, basically. The mafia came, or mob or whoever, shoots his family, and for some reason they shoot him

and he doesn't die, but they take him to hospital and they're like, your body's dead, so it's the Umbrella Academy. They put Frank Castle's brain in an ape. Look, alright. Or he's like, look, it's a marvel. There was some probably incursion or some bullshit where two planets

just collided and suddenly Frank Castle is an ape and everyone's like, yeah, okay. That was a seamless transition. Frank Castle, he hates the mob because they killed his family. Unlike other superheroes, he isn't like, I'm going to go fight them and put them in jail. He's like, I'm going to kill every last motherfucker. I will shoot everyone.

So basically he's a murderer. That's his power. Yeah. No, he's a murderer with an outfit. Murderer with an outfit and a heart of gold. Just imagining a big gorilla going to, I guess, a hot topic. Seeing a skull, like a black t-shirt skull. He's pointing at it.

The Salacist is freaking out, being like, I think it wants this. It might be a bit smooth. Grabs it. And because Frank Geisel, apart from the murders, a law-abiding citizen, getting his wallet out. What? He only kills bad guys in a crime family. You know, mafia.

So their crime was being born with the blood in them. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's gone to Hot Topic. He's bought this skull T-shirt, which is presumably a crop top on a gorilla. Nips out? What kind of crop tops are you picturing?

What type of crop tops are we talking about? That's a necklace. Well, Hot Topic shirts, if I'm thinking of, if nothing's changed since 2003. It hasn't. I've checked. Well, they're not very long. Like they cover like belly button or whatever.

But if your pants are low, you can see your entire belt. And then if they're being stretched over a gorilla, they're not only just a crop top, maybe they're extra crop top. Okay. And gorilla titties are pretty big. They're huge, famously. Yeah. There's one thing I know about gorillas is huge tits, huge knockers.

But you said it was an adolescent, so how's it gone through the change? Well, no, so that was just more of a size thing. In my head, because I can't. Matt, what's like a big gorilla, like looks like a gorilla, but maybe a little bit smaller? Oh, maybe a fair bit smaller or a little bit smaller. Maybe like a gibbon. So wide.

Gibbon. They're the ones with the big, like, long arms and they run with, like, flopping and kind of like Kermit. Yeah, they're pretty great. That's an insane choice for functioning. I was thinking, like, I pretty much want something. You want a tank. You're talking about a chimpanzee, probably.

You know what? I was trying to avoid that one, but you're right. I think what I want here is a chimpanzee. Chimpanzee. Let me just quickly Google a picture of a chimpanzee. Diddy Kong. Everyone wants to be different, and then you realize that the classics are the classics for a reason.

We've all been there. Even like a Donkey Kong type ape. Gorillas are so big, where Frank Castle shouldn't be that big, but I still want him to have the same energy. I can look. A silverback gorilla. I reckon that'd be pretty good in a little tank top with a skull and crossbones on it

maybe he just gets a pirate flag and rips it up and wraps it around his waist and then you give him guns Oh they have to be real big guns they've got such big fingers Well the good thing about apes and something that they are famously good for is violence. Okay. Yeah, so what about gorillas?

No, gorillas are very gentle beasts. Unless provoked. Well, his whole family's been murdered now. Okay, that's quite a provocation. It's been super provoked. I think in this instance it would be... The most provoked. Yeah.

All right, let's see if we can remember the Thomas Jane classic The Punisher so I think we're at a beach wedding is that how it starts off? he kills a guy in a pinball machine I can tell you that much in a pinball machine?

yeah oh okay he wasn't small yeah I just need to make this very clear The Punisher no powers just a guy with a gun.

Tenacity is his power. All right, well, let's go through the wonderful plot of the 2004 classic. You're on your own here, buddy. Okay, so it starts off, I'm pretty sure, that Punisher, Thomas Jane, is at a wedding, maybe. They're on a beach, I think. His wedding? I don't know.

Maybe. I know someone's wearing. He's got a kid. He's got a kid there You can't get married if you have kids. I've read the law Is he wearing a white suit? Look, it's hard to say I'm gonna say yes. He's wearing a white suit. And then the mob show

up because look, I'm beginning to realise I'm struggling to remember that film. Did he not provoke the mob? What did he do to get the mob on him? He was a police officer, wasn't he? Oh, shit, was he? Was he?

Fuck. Maybe. Thomas Jane was a cop. This is one of those episodes where I can already hear the emails just firing up. How dare you talk about the Punisher. My favourite comic book. Kevin Nash was in that film.

Hey. So I just remember there's a scene where... Is his son wearing a skull shirt? You keep throwing to me, but I have not seen this movie. I'm just trying to remember, is his son wearing a skull shirt or after the death or whatever

and there's some shooting going on, he picks up his shirt and there just happens to be a skull like patting him in the blood. Are you trying to re... skull Are you trying to remember this plot so hard just because you want to figure out where the skull t-shirt came from so then we can talk about it with my ape?

Yes. Yeah, okay, cool. Just checking. Just a lot of struggling for the origins of a t-shirt. I just like the idea of an ape pulling up a t-shirt and being like oof and then putting it on but it's backwards and he doesn't know for days of an ape pulling up a t-shirt being like, ooh. You don't want to solve that. And then putting it on, but it's backwards,

and he doesn't know for days. Oh. Hang on. Do apes recognize themselves in mirrors? Maybe he'll never know. No, they do. Oh, okay. Well, he does.

You actually have, like, a lot of ape facts, which rules. Well, I know I watched a documentary about Coco recently, and she seemed to recognize herself in the ape. Do you know Coco, the signing ape signing app yeah she loves Robin Williams yeah well she did when they were both alive yes oh no well they're both not alive I didn't know Coco died I'm sorry that was it last year yeah she cried when she found out I knew about that as well I Yeah, that's sad. Anyway. Sorry. No, no, you grieve.

Yeah. The time you need. Let's remember in her living years. Yeah, of course. Which I think some of her best years were the living years. And at one point she looked in the mirror and she signed Coco. That's pointed out and said that's Coco. Does that answer your question? Yes, it does.

That's phenomenal. So basically the that's Coco. Does that answer your question? Yes, it does. That's phenomenal. So basically, the reason that I've picked Punisher is because imagining an ape tear off the mafia's arms, not hard to imagine. In fact, it's what they're built for. So you said seamlessly, right? That's the key word. No issues whatsoever. Seamlessly. I do think.

Okay, look. He's got secret identity. He's new. Frank Castle, whatever. His family's dead. I guess he doesn't really have that much of a day-to-day life as Frank Castle. He's mostly just the Punisher doling out his own vigilante justice on the mobs. But the thing is, Punisher has like an MO.

They know what he's about. They know he's about getting a big gun and shooting it. But as Matt has famously just said, face big hands. Can't put finger in trigger. So they're going to be like, man, it's weird, isn't it? That the Punisher has started, rather than shooting us, ripping us from limb to limb. But in this movie that you don't remember,

I'm pretty sure he kills a guy by slamming him into a pinball machine. I know that because in a comic book story, I saw an action figure of it once. Interesting. Does he have a, because I don't know the Punisher at all, apart from the skull shirt. Yeah.

I mean, maybe I didn't even know that. Look, to be honest, we need the. But does he wear a mask? No. Okay, that's going to be another thing. All right, a few issues. So first of all, ape face.

Ape face. Ape hands. Punisher, again, famously clean shaven. Shaved ape. Is there any other apes shaved? One thing I do know about Frank Castle is that he was in Vietnam and he did make a deal with the Satan. That isn't in the movie, though.

No, it's not in the movie at all. That's a comic book thing. Yes. Born in hell or something like that Yeah Yeah What was the deal he made I bet it was bad

Why do people make deals with devils Because it sounds good Because it was going to be like It never sounds good Oh come on Hey I'll give you a million dollars Like alright devil He's like but I'll get your soul

I'm like oh yeah whatever I'm not using that And they're like yeah But your soul is for some reason Attached to your loved ones And now they're all dead Basically I think from memory. And as we can famously point out, not great.

Yeah, look, he makes deal with the devil to survive a night in where he's being attacked by the Viet Cong. But I think the devil's like, but, you know, something bad will happen. His family get murdered. That is bad. So that's like pre-punisher. Yeah. That's also rude. He picked his life over his family's.

What a dick. He didn't know. What a dick. He didn't know. He's an absolute schmuck. He's like, I'll survive tonight. So it was for one night he survived. He was being swarmed by the Viet Cong.

I think it was in the one night of his being like, you're going to be a sick cunt for the rest of your life. He's like, yeah, right. Wait, why is he punishing murderers? He needs to fight the devil. Yeah, correct. That makes no sense. Hang on.

Are we also incorporating the time where Frank Castle- Before you say this, I would like to say absolutely. So Frank Castle kills himself and then the angels send him back to Earth and he has magic guns out of his magic trench coat. So he went to heaven. Why did he went to heaven. Why did he go to heaven? Shush.

He made a deal with the devil that killed his family and then was like, do you know what will solve this? Further murders. People go to hell for less than making deals with the devil. I'd just like to point out that in the Bible, suicide in itself sends you to hell instantly because you can't repent. Yeah, look, I realised I actually know a decent amount of dumb Frank Castle shit.

Because, man, when he come back as like a demon hunting boy with like magic guns out of his overcoat. Oh, fuck. They made him Constantine and that rules. Oh, so dumb. Right, so yeah. So basically, what I'd just like to... An ape with the power of an angel. Yes.

He's now wearing... Trench coat. You just described Coco. But with guns. Yeah. And it fixes the problem of the hands being too big, because now they're angel magic guns. So now he can finally kill the people that killed his family.

Yeah, and he's got weird glowy eyes and a weird glowy symbol on his forehead. Is the symbol a cross? I don't know. It's not. It's like an angel lyric thing. It's very dumb. But you're right. He is not killing the people who killed his family because that's the devil.

Yeah. Well, no, the mafia did. But they killed it because of the deal with the devil. Well, does free will really exist or is it just the devil pulling the strings? So kill the devil. We're back at square one. Kill the devil. Or maybe, at square one. Kill the devil. Or maybe what about God?

Because didn't he just fuck that up? He's like, hey, one of my boys is making a deal with the devil. I should probably intervene. But he didn't. I doubt you can. Yeah. Well, you don't know. The devil could.

No, no one's making deals with God. Those are prayers. I think a lot of people are making those deals every day. Actually, no, they're not even deals. God never agrees. People make deals with God. Think about Kate Bush running up that hill. No, she's saying if I could.

Oh, yeah, that's true. See, no one can do it. The subtext of that song is if I could, bracket, and I can't. Right, if you're reading, listening between the lines, Kate Bush can talk to God. Yeah, of course she can. Quick question. What's the difference in making a deal with God and making a deal with Satan?

I think if you make a deal with God, the monkey paw part of it is also positive. If you make a deal with me, other good things will also happen. All right. So then how do you know? No, I imagine it would be entirely just, like, to the letter, and that's what would be the crushing thing. I feel like what would happen is if you make it. So now we're in a bedazzled situation.

Have you seen bedazzled? No one has. I've seen bedazzled. Hey, how sick. I got someone here for this. Yes. I used to look at the poster at Video Easy when I was younger, but it was M and that's for 15 year olds and over.

And I was 12. Yes. And was this an Adam Sandler one where he dressed as a woman or something? No. This is Brendan Fraser. Yeah. Holy shit. Who I love from George of the Jungle fame.

Maybe I was eight. And what's her name? Elizabeth Hurley? Yep. Who plays the devil. She sure does. Oh, right. And he makes wishes of the devil to be better at things,

but then she always tricks him. That's really annoying because I'm at one point going to do a podcast about the movies of Brendan Fraser. Yes. So I should have known that. Well, now you do. Now you have to come on to that episode. Hell yeah.

All right. Future Brendan Fraser based podcast aside. Back to an ape taking over Frank Castle's life. I don't know if you've done a good job, Dusha. Because I just think, look, there's so many things here. You've got like a scary ape face. So many seams. You've got an ape that can't

use guns until he becomes like a magic angel are we gonna give this a score we should give this how many weeks or days it'll take for someone to good idea all right i reckon there are weeks in there yeah weeks i reckon there's a couple of weeks it depends provided provided provided that he is killing there's no witnesses oh very good yeah so anyone who sees him is about to be killed. Yeah. So if he does, provided that happens. However. He's got a couple of weeks.

He's got a couple of weeks. But people start noticing, yes. As soon as any cop starts investigating the crime scenes. Why is there so much gorilla fur here? They're going to be just like, all right, he's targeting the mob. So we know it's got to be Frank. But he's tearing them limb from limb. His few bite marks match gorilla teeth. But he's tearing them limb from limb. This is his few bite marks.

Much gorilla teeth. Is he a superhero now? No, he's just a man with a gun. Do gorillas eat flesh? And an outfit. I don't know. He's got skulls. Hey, Matt, do you know if gorillas have ever eaten a guy?

I know that in this Coco documentary I watched yesterday, one of the guys who they brought in a second gorilla named Michael, and when it came in, he said the guy goes, I'm very comfortable with apes, so I just let it out of its cage to hug. Like a real funny brag. And then he said that Michael ran up to him, hugged him and bit him on the shoulder. I don't know if that helped you in any way.

All my knowledge at the moment is from one Coco documentary. Did he bite, chew and swallow or just like a little bit of a hunk? Just a hunk. Did he draw blood? Yeah, I would imagine so. Have you seen Ape Team? I've seen an ape.

Also, can an ape drive a van? Because I feel Punisher does that a lot. I think they're pretty much vegetarian though, gorillas. Three and a half weeks. Yeah, I reckon a week because I feel Punisher does that a lot. I think they're pretty much vegetarian, though, gorillas. Three and a half weeks. Yeah. I reckon a week and a half. No, I reckon it's weeks. I reckon it's a fair few weeks.

I wouldn't be shocked at more than a month. All right. Matt, what do you reckon? I think he gets away with it forever. Bold. Bold. So good to finally meet a fan. I probably don't know enough about the guy you're talking about.

The Punisher? The Punisher. Look, apparently neither do we. But I know that picture of the guy in a black shirt with a skull on it. Yeah. That's iconic. And good point, really, because he's got, again, he's got the black T-shirt, skull on it.

It's usually nighttime. Yeah, the photos are always- Photos. The photos. The photos are always usually quite dark. And so, you know what? Forever. Oh, I got two forevers.

So that evens out to, what's half of forever? About six months. We got some bad news for you, Dishon. Six months. I can do a lot in six months, I feel. I won't, but I could. Matt? I might have given away that I'm a bit basic

when it comes to superhero knowledge. It's all right. We've given away that we are very dumb. I'm going for the most iconic maybe superhero. Is this even true? Batman. I need even true? Batman. He'd be up there. Him, Wolverine or Superman.

Wolverine? Wolverine. What are you talking about? Spider-Man. There we go. That's the top three. My memory is from the 90s list that Wizard did once and Wolverine was up there. Hugh Jackman.

This is pre-Hugh Jackman. Pre-Jackman. Can you imagine a time? I can't. I don't want to. We don't want to think pre-Jackman years. Australia at its worst. Dark ages, I call it. It makes sense to me, Batman, he

wears a fully black dark suit. He's out there at the night time. He almost fully covers his face. He'll just have exposed epilepsy in this situation. That's right. But the problem is, as Bruce Wayne, his hands and face are fully exposed. And he does a lot of schmoozing. Yeah.

So this is going to be tricky. That's where the trouble comes in. Also, there's oftentimes you see Bruce Wayne just in like some bathers lying on a yacht in the sun. Yeah. That's going to be tough. Questions will be asked. A tough sell.

However, in Matt's defence, Bruce Wayne is very rich. Oh, yeah. Alfred's not saying shit. He's rich and eccentric. Oh, I just, I get, Master Bruce, he got a hair transplant. And also, isn't Red Fox or whatever morgan freeman's characters like does all sorts of technology stuff yeah so he'd be able to just like he could probably make him a human suit yeah oh fuck just seeing like okay first of what ape uh i think i mean a gorilla feels right but i

can't say gorilla we can't get gorilla. So I think maybe the most intelligent of the apes, because he's a bit of a genius too, right? Yes. The orangutan. Or the bonobo, because I love boning and he's a playboy. Bonobo, good choice. I know with orangutans maybe it's just the way they often sit, but the idea of an orangutan wearing pants is very funny

because they don't really have much leg. Yeah, they're leg long on arm very long on arms what's a bonobo's leg to arm race like i think it's still short i think arms are much longer than legs i think that's that might even be across the board in the in the great ape community and even the not so great apes as well the okay apes okay the fine apes uh and yeah but i think it's probably a better closer ratio the bonobos but the thing i mean all i really know about the bonobos is that they're a matriarchal society who bone to settle differences and they bone to celebrate wins and they bone to they just they bone for everything they're big boners that's a really good like again that's great for say's a really good, again, that's great for, say, Bruce Wayne,

but I feel that's great for Bruce Wayne's public image of what he's putting out there. Because I would argue that Bruce Wayne, big virgin. But that's just me. But everything we know about Bruce Wayne suggests that he fucks a lot, which is often what people do when they fuck none. Oh, Brian. A liar. Which is often what people do when they fuck non. A liar.

Yeah, I slept with heaps of chicks this summer. Yeah, nah, they're all from interstate, so you'll never meet them. They're all masked superheroes. At least ten. Or is he just kind of like a pent-up bonobo full of impotent rage? Ah, an incel bonobo. An incel bonobo. Batman. But that being said,

we're looking for a seamless transition here. That's our prime goal. Our primate goal. And if Bruce Wayne, as you say, big version never fucks version. Big version. Never fucks goes to being a bonobo, but he's still got the I fuck persona.

No change to the public eye. That's true. Alfred will know. Again, Alfred won't say shit. He will have lost a few feet. I think bonobos might be like, I have no idea, but they're shorter than humans. They'd be like five foot or something. But Batman loves shadows and the lighting. He can make himself look bigger and stuff.

Using perspective tricks. Exactly. And Bruce Wayne, big shoes. Big shoes. Yeah, heels. That'll just make the canapes even smaller. Exactly. Have I shrunk or have you guys gotten bigger? Am I right, everyone? Plus that human suit can have like, you know, five inch heels

or whatever. Oh yeah, that's right, the human suit. That'll make up for the short legs. Yeah. Of course. The human suit. An ape on stilts. We'll stop to think about that because it's good. So he's an ape dressed as a human dressed as a bat. Yes. It's a Tadakin sort of scenario.

Does he keep the human suit on when he puts the Batman suit on? Yeah, I think so. He's going to be so sweaty. That's a sweaty chip. It's also like, because you know, like when Batman's all, he's usually being like, Oh, I'm Batman,

et cetera, et cetera. Now he's just, Oh, not a big change. Bonobo screech. Oh, like,

Oh, I'm sure in the, in the throes of passion. Does this, does this Bonobo also have like a big hard on for crime and be like, all crime must pay. Cause that's just fantastic. But just to had like you

know some criminals in like an alley you know doing some drug deals and all the heroes like and then you know getting mauled i guess is he still biting yeah all right but also if batman bit no one's shocked yeah like if the batman from comic books all of a sudden there's bite marks on victims yeah that feels yeah more batty than... Well, if you look at the BVS, Batman, he brands people. And what is more on brand than branding someone with your mouth, which is basically the brand of the human body. Sorry, I did not...

I think, well, your teeth are sort of like the fingerprint of your mouth. Yeah. See, it makes sense. Yep, yep, yep. Yeah, Batman, come on. Bite marks are the fingerprint of the human body. Yes. Not the fingerprint. No, that's silly. Finger, Batman. Bite marks are the fingerprint of the human body. Yes. Not the fingerprint.

No, that's silly. Fingerprints old. You're right. Biting people new. All right, so let's clarify. Your bite mark is the fingerprint of the face. Is that better? Yeah, that makes more sense.

All right, all right. I think that's going to be on a T-shirt. I think tongue prints are pretty unique as well. I don't want my Bonobo Batman to be licking crime. He's licking crime. You lick your press. I don't want... What's the difference? Putting a tongue on crime He's licking crime. Yeah, lick and press. I don't want... What's the difference?

Putting a tongue on crime. If someone licks you or someone just presses their tongue against you, either good. No, but I'm going to be honorable and say there's a difference. Yeah, that is good honor. That is good. Thank you for being so honorable. Anytime, Joel.

I just realized, okay, taking it back to something Matt said before about Bonobos boning to celebrate victories, that means that not only is this Batman going to fight crime aggressively and bite, he'll then come back to the Batcave horny as hell Batman's gotta fuck he put away crime that night

and I guess he's still boning bonobos he can't not bone bonobos, that would be weird so does he start chanting over Catwoman to be a bonobo It'll be Apewoman So there'll be like the Batcave Just be chockers full of bonobos

Harum Is that what that means? I think so Does he still have a teenage boy as his sidekick? He probably did but rest in peace That's a shame Oh well Oh well There's heaps of teenage boys piece. That's a shame. Oh, well. Because, yeah, I guess in this...

Oh, well. There's heaps of teenage boys. Don't worry about it. Hey, he's gone for at least four, yeah? Does he even remember their names at this point? Once his son. That's dumb. Once his son?

Damien. Once his son, yeah. Oh, I guess he's not a virgin. I mean, all the fucking we see him do also suggests he's not a virgin, but... Look, it's more of a state of mind than an actual activity. Do you see him, like, fucking? Yeah, he bangs Talia Al Ghul in the films. Yeah.

Like, you don't, I mean, you see them making out, right? And he wakes up next to somebody in BVS. He's naked on the floor with her. I mean, you're jumping to conclusions there. There's a lot of implications. There's no under-the-cover shots. But we have yet to see any full pen from Christopher Nolan or Schneider. The V in BVS is virgin.

Batman, virgin, Superman. Yes. So is there anything really that the ape Batman could do or couldn't do that regular non-ape Batman could do? Anything that, well, talk, speak English, I guess. But again, I mean, this is such a crux, but his technology could probably convert ape talk into English. And again, like Bruce Wayne, as Batman, I reckon,

ape Batman can do anything that non-ape Batman could do. But as Bruce Wayne, you don't see Bruce Wayne as a really good director of a board. In fact, he's kind of crap. He usually walks in and he's like, hey, who's fucking? who's fucking so if you put say an ape this bonobo in like say hawaiian shirt yeah some sunnies and like just put him in the chair and then have like uh morgan freeman's character or alfred being like oh yes master wayne is under the weather today i reckon it's fine yeah because he's rich and eccentric and it's fine although watching bane break that monkey's back, beautiful.

That'd be hard. I imagine a bonobo back would be strong. They're wily. I reckon that's just- They're together strong. I know that for sure. Look, this bonobo Batman, I reckon, might even do better than actual Batman, especially when he's in prison, right?

Yeah. You chuck that bonobo down. Okay, he's got a bad back. Okay, now, look, you throw that in that prison, as long as his back's reasonably fine, I reckon he could scramble up and fix that, you know, jumping puzzle before Bruce Wayne does. Bowning all the way to the top. Hells yeah. Yeah, you know

it. It's a smart bonobo. Fuck his way to the top out of prison. Yeah. I reckon never. No one's ever going to notice. Forever. Yeah, forever. Which we decided before is 12 months. Yeah. All right. I reckon never. No one's ever going to notice. Forever. Yeah, forever. Which we decided before is 12 months. Yeah. Okay. A good 12 months.

I'll also go the good 12 months of infinity. I'm trying to think if anything would get him exposed. Can't think of a single thing. I think it's kind of perfect. Alfred would keep his secret. And there would be so many ways for Alfred to forge Bruce Wayne's stuff so that any board things got directed to like a beneficiary or not beneficiary, like a person who does the thing for you.

I just love the idea that Alfred is in on this. He knows his neighbours have got to cover. Yes. There's just no doubt in my mind. Alfred's down. Is it an accident or did someone go, we need to replace Bruce Wayne with this bonobo for some reason? I figure it's some kind of incursion.

I like to imagine. Like some kind of like cosmic cube or some kind of boom tube in the DC, whatever. It's just like, oh, look, he's now a chimp. Batman was killed on the job. Alfred panicked. No wonder he's keeping the secret. That's his bed apes cutting his paychecks.

Yep, so Batman on your watch, Alfred. He died. What are you going to do? I just imagine like the Flash pointing at his chest being like, Batman died on your watch. Ah, I've got a chimp. What? I have a solution, Master Flash.

Yeah, I'm going to give you the forever as well. Yeah, I reckon no one will know. It's a perfect answer so far. Not even people from the JLA will figure this out. No, oh my God. Superman uses x-ray vision, realises that there's two layers of skin. No. It's a perfect answer so far. Not even people from the JLA will figure this out. No, oh, my God. Superman uses X-ray vision, realises that there's two layers of skin. I remember Bruce like that, but I'm an alien and do not know how human bodies work. Maybe they just do that.

Puberty too. Nice to see you, Master Bruce. And now a quick word from our sponsor. Well, just a weird pause. But while I have you here, have you heard of our sister podcast, Shut Up A Second? I'm not in it, so already we're off to a great start. Jackson hosts it, and it's just comedy without the pretense of pop culture garbage. So if you're tired of us talking about a Star War, a current Avenger, or that Harry Potpot bloke,

why not check out Shut Up a Second? There's currently almost 300 episodes of pure, unadulterated nonsense available on iTunes or directly from our website, sanspantsradio.com. All right, well, I reckon, seamlessly... Seamlessly. Seamlessly replace you. That is the key word of the question. I reckon the best answer, guys, Spider-Man.

Apes do love to swing. Apes love to swing. And look, I think I'm going to go with an orangutan because it's big, long arms. Perfect. Oh, man. Perfect for swinging. I love that.

Perfect for swinging. And also to take the perfect, like, because again, Spider-Man is great at taking pictures of Spider-Man. And to do that, you need good long arms with a perfect selfie. Well, that would give him away as the taker of the photos, though. He's working for a newspaper. Yes, he is. But Peter Parker is just like, it's fine.

Spider-Man's my good friend. But in this case, he'd be like, and then be pointing at his phone as J. Jonah Jameson. And if he's got the temperament of a disgruntled orangutan, you know who's going to be right? J. Jonah Jameson. This menace on society, swinging around, shitting on the public. This is a problem.

We've got to get him. Why does Spider-Man suit not have pants? Why would it? Oh, no, it would, but it would fill and leak. I don't know why, but that's somehow worse. That is definitely worse. The phrase fill and leak definitely made it worse. Not a good one.

If it's like a clean snap and it lands on you. A clean snap and a clap. What is this? Spider-Man! But then for some reason, like a drip is worse. I don't clap. What is this? Spider-Man! But then for some reason a drip is worse? I don't know. Is it raining? Oh, no, it's Spider-Man again.

Saving the day. This is the cost. You know what? I think people, because there's that part in the Spider-Man movie where everyone, he's unmasked and there's that really beautiful scene. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all saving themselves. He's just a kid.

He's just a kid. He's just an ape. But everyone at the time is like, you know what? He's doing good. Let's all saving himself. He's just a kid. He's just a kid. He's just an ape. But everyone at the time is like, you know what? He's doing good. Let's leave him be. And there's like a knowledge in the town to not fuck it up for Spider-Man. Everyone would be wanting to fuck it up for Spider-Man as soon as they hear Spider-Man is going around leaking on people.

Filling his pants and leaking. How many shits do you need to take before it starts leaking? Too many. It's sad that the ape will find out. Yeah, no, because, like, more than. Gross. Look, I'm just trying to think about it. And it's unpleasant either way.

Do you know what? It would be fewer than you think because I reckon what would happen is because it's an orangutan, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the orangutan would put, I don't know why he's got the outfit on, but it would become uncomfortable and it'd start to shift. See, that's why I reckon he'd be pantsless. I reckon he'd maybe have the mask.

Or then instantly he gets found out. Maybe. I reckon you can take three shits in your pants before it falls down. Oh, no, no. Now I'm thinking about it, Josh. I've been thinking about this all time. They're big, too. They eat a lot,

I imagine. So, depends on the diet as well, right? Because if it's quite solid then he's sweet. He's in New York City, right? A lot of pizza.

A lot of slice. Gotta grab a slice. That's what they say. Hey, welcome to New York. Grab a slice. That's true. Famously. So I reckon, yeah,

so Peter Parker, maybe more than three shows. The OGP is there just like getting bitten by a radioactive Spider-Man. What if he gets bitten by a radioactive chimp spider? I was thinking more like he just flings it off and the spider lands on a chimp. Ah, the chimp that's also there. It's a lab.

It's like a classic 80s film where they put a chimp in a classroom to see what happens. And he's there in that field trip. Unfortunately, the spider bite kills Peter Parker, but no one knows because somehow the... Look, I'm getting lost in my own bullshit here. What if Peter Parker is bitten by a radioactive chimp spider? Or the spider who swapped the characters. I got it.

Bites a chimp, chimp dies. Rest in peace. Or, simple what happened is a radioactive spider comes down, bites a chimp. That chimp goes on a rampage while Peter Parker and the class are there. That chimp bites Peter Parker, runs off. Now he's a chimp man spider. I'm glad we saw the logistics of this.

No, no, no, no. Peter Parker bites the chimp. The orangutan. The orangutan, not chimp. Oh,utan. The orangutan, not a chimp. Oh, okay. Sorry. I was like, this is going a long way off track. How does this come back around?

But I thought he must have known. Can we still involve a chimp somehow? I'd love there to be still a chimp step in this. All right, all right, all right. We can do this. So, spider bites Peter Parker. Peter Parker, with the fury of a spider, starts and goes to local zoo enclosure and bites a chimp.

Chimp is like, what the hell, freaks out and goes to the orangutan enclosure, bites an orangutan. Right, that makes sense. There we go. That makes perfect sense. It's an orangutan with the power of Peter Parker. And a bit of a power of a chimp. A bit of a chimp.

A bit of a chimp. A bit of a chimp. And its own natural orangutan abilities. I think we've met the perfect superhero. Do orangutans have tails? No. Apes don't have tails. They're chimps. You're thinking monkeys.

Yeah. Chimps are apes. I mean. Yes. Chimps are apes. I'm only an amateur primatologist, douche. So I don't know. I don't have all the answers, but I know that.

Apes are the tailless ones. Monkeys are the tail-full ones. But not all monkeys. Only either old world or new world monkeys have tails or prehensile tails. Wait, hang on. All monkeys have tails. Only old world ones have non-prehensile tails and the new world monkeys have prehensile tails, I think.

This is going to annoy someone. You're going to get some emails. We already are. Great. People are still upset about Pondicham. Wait till they hear how many shits they think I can fit in my pants. They need to clear a lot of hurdles to get to that. And so I like that this now orangutan

also wants to be in photography. Yep. And I guess probably will try and woo Mary Jane. Good luck, mate. It's not going to work. Is she a redhead, Mary Jane? She is. So maybe they're a little more in common

than they used to have now. They've got one more thing in common. Exactly. And one less thing in common. You have red hair. I have, on this case, and then just a lot of pointing. Yeah, long pointing.

Long pointing, big arms. Right in her face. I don't have the best arms. At all. When Gwen Stacy dies, maybe that extra several feet of arms might save her. Or the opposite. Might kill her.

She hits the ground harder. Just snaps her neck even harder. There is a Marvel comic book universe called Marvel Apes and in that Spider-Man is a spider monkey. That makes sense. But there's something

way more beautiful about this. Because apart from the fact that in that world they're all non-human primates, whereas in this one. Just one orangutan. Just the one. Just one wily orangutan. And for some reason, even though Peter Parker died before anyone knew who he was,

the orangutan is still trying to hold on to the secret identity of Peter Parker slash spider-tang. Yes. He identity of Peter Parker slash Spider-Tang. Yes, he's kind of like... Spider-Tang. He's like, right, I need to make sure that the legacy of that man that bit that chimp that bit me is intact. Because there is no Spider-Man in this reality now. So there's...

No. So shitting from above is just something that always happened. Yes. The leakage was part of the origin. Exactly. Again, that's Spider-Menace. Yeah, it's Spider-Menace. And those several deaths at the zoo.

So how long do we think before people find out? Oh, days. Days. So it's more the Peter Parker side of it, right? Yeah. The Spider-Monkey thing, Spider-Man, he's in the clear. Whatever he's done, he's setting his own rules. Exactly.

But Peter Parker, it is a lot harder. Does Uncle Ben still die? Does he try and become like the wrestler? I hope so. That's sad if he's responsible for not only Peter Parker's death, but then also for Ben Parker's death. Ben parker if he had like you killed my boy nephew you look different longer arms with great power comes great responsibility and then he just gets up and walks off because he's about something else that amuses him

maybe a kitten do ranger tanks love trash cans? I can imagine them lifting up the lid of a trash can, going through it with their long arms, holding the lid up above his head. That rules. Do it a bit of a swing. Oh no, he has no webbing though. Because it's not organic. He's just a monkey crawling up skyscrapers. Why can't he have webbing?

He could be by the requisite spiders. He makes it. That's all a technological advancement. What? I only know To a technological advancement. Yeah. What? I only know Tobey Maguire. Yeah, so they, so. Ah, well, if it's Tobey Maguire one, then we're fine.

But isn't it, so in the MCU, is it Tony Stark does all that, right? So Tony Stark might still do that for him. Oh, yeah, that's true. Tony Stark's like. A big tone coming down, like you're wearing this suit now. Instant kill mode, active end. That's true. Tony Stark's like... A big tone coming down, like, you're wearing this suit now. Ooh. Instant kill mode activated. Ooh. Apes would love instant kill mode.

Instant kill's gonna... Ah, me's gonna go bananas on that instant kill button. There's gonna be a lot of dead people. At this point, I feel this is on tone. All right? These deaths are on Tony. Nothing to do with this spider ape. If I went to the zoo and gave an orangutan a gun... tone. Alright, these deaths are on Tony. Nothing to do with this spider ape. If you gave the equivalent, like if I gave

it, if I went to the zoo and gave an orangutan a gun. Like what you did at the start. And it shot me. I don't deserve to die shocked. But you do deserve to die. Yes.

Like, yep, that was destiny at that point. Of course that was going to happen So how long am I seamlessly transitioning? No one will know at all time? How long am I doing this for? Four days Four days?

Oh yeah, let's bump it up to four days Four days, so we're going to be like Four days of Aunt May being like Ah yes, my boy, that's fine Four hours. Because it's going to take him a while to get home. 16. He was 16 when this all happened.

Oh, yeah, okay, yeah, I forgot about that. Because I was going to be like, I don't know, four days maybe? That's just a coincidence. But, you know, she could be, I mean, teenagers. It could be that old thing. Oh, teenagers. Making a lot of noise up there. Yeah.

You look different today. And then, you know, that's it. Puberty was different when I was a kid. Oh, Aunt May. I'm going to go 18 hours. I feel like, how old's Aunt May in this version? Oh, like about 68. So her side isn't.

Probably not great. Not great. Oh, Peter, you've dyed your hair. I like it. She's trying to be supportive. Wear your hair. I like it. She's trying to be supportive. Wear your glasses. I'd say eight months. Eight months.

That's pretty good. I reckon forever. An extra four months. I'll notice. He's got big arms. He swings. Spider-Man. I'm going to answer to forever as well.

Yeah, okay. Two forevers and then a very – So, again, meet halfway, six months. Yeah, yeah. Half of forever. All right, again, meet halfway, six months. Yeah, yeah. Half of Forever. All right, Cass, who are you picking? I think Mr. Incredible could just be replaced by a silverback ape with no hassle.

Seamlessly. Seamlessly. Completely seamlessly. That's a physique. He's got the physiques. He's got BGE. He's got – I feel like when I was watching the films, the role that he found within his family that gave him meaning

was that of protector, but he always saw it in sort of the more traditionally masculine ways, which are things that I associate with gorillas. Fair. So his way of showing affection is to be big and near someone and go. Question. Do gorillas hate capes? Matt, is that covered in the Coco documentary?

She loves capes. I think she signed that really early on. Coco loves capes. If she loves capes and gorillas love capes, I think that's going to be pretty bad. But if gorillas hate capes. Sorry, no, I'm misremembering. She hates capes.

Ah, perfect. If they hate capes, then this is great because capes are bad. He didn't get to pick the cape, though. He went for capes. She hates capes. Ah, perfect. If they hate capes, then this is great because capes are bad. He didn't get to pick the cape, though. He went for capes. And then Edna shut him down on capes. Remind me what his superpower is. Big. Super strong.

Ah, right. Very strong. As an ape just is. Yeah, great. Apparently that's perfect. And apes are good family-orientated creatures? Yeah, yeah. They're protective of their-orientated creatures? Yeah, yeah. They're protective of their family, right?

They are, yeah. Yeah. A luster girl is stretchy. She can give him hugs without any issue. Yeah, no issue there. It depends on the species, but I think gorillas are a good family. But normally it's only one. I think in this documentary about Coco,

I learned that there's normally just one silverback male and the rest are women women pretty much. Not women female gorillas. That'd be a real twist. It's like reverse Tarzan. Well in that case it could present, I don't mean to shit on my own argument but it could present some issues when he does want to kill his son. Or send him out.

But Dash runs quick. Very fast. Don't worry about it. So maybe his family. Starts his own herd. Yeah. Herd's what they call pack of gorillas. Yeah that's what they call families. Don't worry about it. Right. Starts his own herd. Yeah. Herds is what they call. Yeah, that's what they call families. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

A herd of gorillas. That's scary. Now, I'll be honest. When I chose my superhero, I forgot about face. Yes. So. But he has a mask. He has a mask.

Oh, what do we. A wee mask. A little. A wee mask. A wee mask. Look, he could get super shaved by Edna. Edna could fix him up. This is an Alfred situation again.

It is an Alfred situation. Edna has to be Alfred. She has to step in and be the Alfred. What does a, if you laser hair removal to gorilla. Scary looking. No, isn't there. Yeah, there's pictures online. You can see like a hairless gorilla.

They're muscly. Yeah, there's one. Big one of a chimp hairless gorilla. They're muscly. Yeah, there's one. A big one of a chimp that went around last year as well. Now it just ripped. They're shredded. So strong. I'm just going to have the cheekiest of googs because I'm fascinated. Hairless gorilla.

I googled gorilla shaved. Oh, no. That would come with Homer Simpson, wouldn't it? No. Big boy or just sad? Oh, man, they rule. Yes. Oh, yeah.

That's the one. That's the one. That's a beautiful chip. So do we pick up from the start of the incredible story, which is when superheroes have been forced to retire? Yes. Because he is unhappy in his life and forces it into going underground and doing secret stuff.

So if it's doing that then i mean his wife is automatically suspicious and assumes they're having an affair it was pretty intense for a kid's film so again it's like superheroes are um outlawed he's like having a bad time and that super depression turns into a super chip yes it does he he sprouts he does the opposite of stress and he sprouts more hair. Yes. And he then goes on a rampage and starts training in secret and doing cool chimp things and speaking to Edna Mode and doing – well, that's the thing. It's already in secret.

Plus signing is easy. Yes, he can just sign. That means he's even more stealthy. Yeah. That's something someone with super strength needs. So many secrets. Not only is he sneaking around, he's also learning another language oh crafty monkey still better than an affair no yeah would you prefer your husband to be cheating on you or to turn into an ape yeah

oh that's a tough question that is a very tough question an unfaithful ape i knew i should never have trusted you with your dirty ape face. That's the thing. A lot of this now falls on Mr. Incredible's family as to what they want to do. Edna Mode, she does fashion, she'll take care of him. It's fine. Dash can outrun him. Violet can-

Turns invisible. She's emo anyway. When I was younger, everyone used to tell me that I looked like Violet and that Violet reminded them of me. Okay, so if your dad was miraculously replaced by a chimp, would you notice? Yeah, I'd just notice. But in this film she's super, like, you know,

reserved and, like, going through that stage of life where everything is a bit much. So maybe she just goes into a room and doesn't talk about it. Also, you are in the world where superheroes exist, so at some point you could just have that thought of, maybe people just do that. Oh, maybe this is one of Dad's powers. Yeah, maybe it just happens.

That's so cool. I mean, Jack-Jack hasn't shown his powers yet. And if Jack-Jack has shown his powers, you know that he can turn into a flaming devil baby with a different head. Yeah, it's true. So maybe Dad just turns away. It's fine.

Oh, so this could be explained away, but I hate the implications for Elastigirl. Oh, no. The poor woman. She has to be like, do I want to stay with my husband to keep my family and this now enterprise of superheroes together? Because if they break up, the best thing that ever happened to their city is gone. Question, how do you divorce an ape?

How do you tell an ape that you no longer love him? Hey, ape, I no longer love you. It's very simple. That's him storming out, I guess. With his big ape hooves. Yep. There's some sort of precedent in the Umbrella Academy because number one has got an ape body, space ape body.

That is true, but it's not a space ape body. It's a full ape body. It's a full ape body. It's a shaved ape body. Right. Do you know what? I reckon that everyone in the family would know straight away and it would be the worst, but they would do everything they could to try and cover it up

for the sake of the town. Yes. And that's very sad. Has he turned into an ape or he's been replaced by an ape? Well, he's been seamlessly replaced by an ape, but because of the world of Incredibles, it would feel like they were like, oh, no, he has turned, but really it's just a different thing.

It's like one of them secret missions. He gets got, but then Edna's like, shit, well, all I've got is this ape. Puts it in, like, you know, the Mr. Incredible suit, sends it off in the world. Done know, the Mr. Incredible suit. Sends it off in the world. Done. So the family don't know. Only Edna knows.

Only Edna. They just think it's fine. They just think it's a second mutation. No. Okay, well, then in that case, the family try and relate to him and then it becomes another equally tragic tale where they all realise that Dad isn't the same as Dad used to be, but because he's Dad, we still love him. And they just don't know that...

They don't know it's... He's gone. It's a tale as old as time itself. Oh, no. Man disappears, comes back, Chimp is there. They think it's man that disappeared, but it's not. It's secretly dead. This one actually lasts forever, but it shouldn't.

Yeah. Forever is my answer. Forever. No. You did it, Cass. You did it. You seamlessly replaced a man with a chimp and no one knew. I destroyed the lives of so many people.

But you answered the question. And you also meant that they never lost their dad. Yeah. You stole grief from them. No, no. Wait, hang on. How long do gorillas live for? Less or more than a human?

Coco lived for 46 years. Oh, no. Oh, no, he's about 30, 40. So he's got an extra 10 years? It's the same length. That's the thing. I've not stolen grief from them. I've made them feel guilty about processing grief.

They're going to, when that, when that monkey dies, sorry, when that ape dies, so sorry. So stop writing your emails now, please.

I'm so sorry. Dear Plum in the Nest, a huge fan of Prime Apes. Didn't realize you guys were such fuckwits and wise mad friends with you. Apes, clearly no tail. Monkey's tail, chimps,

apes. But all monkeys clearly no tail. Monkeys, tail. Chimps, apes. But all monkeys have a story. Yes. So now they're just kind of like mourning this big old ape. It's going to end. So when the apes die, I guess, yeah. They just think it's just life. Oh, it will.

And they'll feel really bad about it. Yeah, this is destroying. You've really, yeah, you've got some bad stuff here today. Also, Edna. Jack, Jack's going to grow up. Because, like, Edna's not exactly young. She's, you know, she's probably going to. That secret's going to die with her real soon. Yeah, yeah've got some bad stuff here today. Also, Edna. Jack-Jack's going to grow up. Because Edna's not exactly young. That secret's going to die with her real soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You did it, Cass. You did it, Cass. Well done. Well done. You answered the question. Perfectly. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've also been Joel.

I've been Matt. I've been Cass. And Matt, where can we find you? I'm over here. In our studio. I've been Cass. And Matt, where can we find you? I'm over here. In our studio. Cool, end of episode. Perfect, thank you, bye. If you ever want to come find Matt, just come find us.

I do a podcast about primates and popular culture called Prime Mates. Got a mental blank there. Oh, no. And you've all been on. No, you haven't been on, Zemmett. I have not yet. Come over, man no. And you've all been on. No, you haven't been on, have you? I have not yet. Come over, man. I will.

It's very fun. And it is a good fun time. A lot of Sandspans people have been over. It's almost as silly as a Sandspans podcast. And I don't know, you'll find that in normal places. And what was our most recent episode we did about? We did one about? Project X.

Oh, Project X. The 80s film, not the 2000s film about a party. But the one, yeah, Matthew Broderick trains some chimps to fly. Chimps shouldn't be in the sky. Well, that movie really delves into that issue. Yeah. And we also talked about Umbrella Academy. We did.

Which is a lot of fun. But I'm also doing my stand-up show in Sydney coming up for the Sydney Comedy Festival, and you can find out if you want to, mattstuartcomedy.com slash gigs. And my name's Matt Stewart. We've seen that show. It is very funny. Thanks, guys.

Matt also does another podcast called Do Go On. Yes, which is even better. You should definitely definitely listen that which douche has been on an episode about that telling us all about the life and times of ryan goldstein the goose despite my huge love for him turns out he had actually quite an interesting life and i didn't just pick him because he's handsome and i love him and but also like so many times i've done topics where you think you like someone at the start and there's always a dark secret. Ryan Gosling's dark secret is that his childhood was wild

and he's actually a nicer man than you probably thought. It's a reverse dark secret. He should tell people. He should. Well, if you want to go check out Matt's show or shows, if you're in Sydney, go see his show.

And if you just want to learn more about Ryan Gosling, just give him a bit of a Google. I'm sure he'll like it. Get those SEOs up. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspan's Radio or you can find us individually.

I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsADad. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspantsRadio.com, and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps! And if you want to support us, head to SandspantsPlus.com. Thank you again for listening, and we'll see you again next time.

Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.