Plumbing the Death Star - Which Superhero is the Most Stressed?

Episode Date: June 3, 2018

In which our heroes ask the hard hitting question; Which Superhero is the Most Stressed?Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/ Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter:  twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pansario, eat the Birmingham, Bristol, Brighton and Cardiff. We're also doing four shows at the Edinburgh Fringe. And we are doing some London shows, but they haven't been announced just yet. Tickets are selling fast, with the majority of the shows having less than 50% of tickets left. So if you don't want to be a Mr or Ms Nigel or Poppy no ticket, head on over to sandspantsradio.com slash live to grab your tickets today. And if anyone can recommend me some good coffee places, hit me up on Twitter at GoddammitZammit

and I will be forever grateful. Kisses. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. We'll be asking important questions like which superhero would be the most stressed? I can't stand to fly I'm not that naive I'm just out to find

The better part of me I'm more than a bird I'm more than a plane I'm more than some bird, I'm more than a plane, I'm more than some pretty face beside a train, and it's not easy to be me. Superman. Think about it. That boy has to hit 100 every single time, because if he fucks up just once, humanity is destroyed. Because remember, Superman's villains, Superman's problems aren't like petty crime, theft, whatever. They are world-ending cataclysmic events.

We're talking meteorites, we're talking brainiac, we're talking some crypto bullshit, not currency, but like crypto... Krypton. So you remember finding out about cryptocurrency and being like, after my dog's name? Or Kryptonite? He misses one punch and all of a sudden Lex Luthor's president.

Yeah, exactly. He's like... That's true. I mean, if you compare the shit Superman's got to deal with with the shit Batman's got to deal with... Batman doesn't bat a hundred. Batman misses one. Oh, yeah.

The Joker kills some kids. Yeah. Whoopsie daisies. Whatever. Superman misses one. The Earth is completely obliterated by a meteorite. And the problem with Superman is he has such a long lifespan. Yeah.

That when you look at it on a long enough time scale, he's going to fuck up at least once. Absolutely. Yeah. And he's got that to look forward to. You know what I mean? Because, like, he could. He could. Like, he's pretty good.

He's super. He could bat 100 for, like, 20 years, 30 years, 40 years. By that point, most other superheroes are either dead, retired, or sent back in time. Not Superman. He's there. That's a good point. Superman's got to deal with it all. And eventually, when every superhero dies and it's just Superman

he's gotta deal with all the fucking their problems as well. Yeah. I mean, also Superman has a strict moral compass which he's imposed on himself. Mistake. Stressful. Yeah, absolutely. Like, not only has he got about a hundred strict Methodist rules

he's gotta follow. Superman's a weird one because if you look at the comic books and stuff like that, often Superman's story ends with him giving up. Like whatever happened to the man of tomorrow, he kills a bloke. Yeah. And then he's just like, I'm going to kill myself. Yeah. Fake out.

Doesn't. I was going to say spoilers, but who gives a shit? Read a book. Whatever. Read a fucking book. It's too late. At least it came out in like the fucking 80s relax yeah anyway he walks into a room the gold kryptonite room i think it is anyway whatever it's gonna kill him but then it doesn't and he lives his life as fake like a new person that's

not clark kent like all right a second new yeah and then they have a kid and whatever that's nice with lois which is nice but yeah he just gives up like he just stops being superman because he broke his code he kind of does that in superman grounded as well where he's like i've spent so much time in space that i forgot what it means to be human and he came back and that one woman's like hey do you know what's just a quick side note before we get into the funniest part. He fights in the 100-minute war. Yeah. That's not long.

He's in space for two hours. Does that include travel time, though? Look, I'm happy to call the 100-minute kryptonite war because Krypton comes back for a bit, and he's like, you know what? Krypton's all right. Then they turn out to be bad blokes, there's a whole thing and that leads into men grounded where yeah as you were saying well a woman comes up to him and he's like my husband

had cancer and you didn't stop it yeah and superman's not like hey lady how well it's like fuck and then he decides to walk America god that comic is so stupid and I own it it's very bad she gives reasons the doctor's x-ray machines couldn't have seen it because of the angle it was on

but your x-ray vision could have seen it lady, lady, Park Kent fucking died because he didn't see his heart attack coming this is a touchy subject and what does she expect like Superman to be in every hospital

and his laser eyes could have treated it or something like that that's just not true she doesn't know shit although imagine all like the

weird pseudoscience bullshit you would have if you were like in the DC universe kind of stuff like I hear if you rub Mart the DC universe. Oh, yeah, absolutely.

I hear if you rub Martian Manhunter's belly, you cure yourself of warts. Jackson, what are you injecting into yourself? Wonder Woman blood? Can I get Wonder Woman powers? Where did you get her blood from? Just sell it. Jackson, I think that's just another... You don't know that's Wonder Woman's blood.

Look at this de-aging scream i've got made of superman saliva yeah i just rub it on my face and i'm i feel 10 years younger that's just the man just spat in a jar trying to figure out how you could collect superman saliva and the first thing i thought this is so dumb you cover children in poisonous ice cream that's poisoning the kids and superman's like i gotta lick it off to protect the kids and then somehow in the process you collect the spit but it doesn't really follow no that's the thing superman actually physically can't bat a hundred because he can't stop stuff like that that's true also there's a weird thing where if superman doesn't bat a hundred and fucks up earth gets destroyed it's kind of like when krypton got

destroyed yeah you know what i mean there's like stuff going on there and you think about it because doesn't bat 100 and fucks up and Earth gets destroyed. It's kind of like when Krypton got destroyed. Yeah. You know what I mean? There's like stuff going on there. And you think about it because one woman is like, hey, my husband died of cancer and you dropped the ball. He died on your watch. And it's like, well, it wasn't. But he took it upon himself to be like, it was. Yeah.

And that's a sign of a very stressed man. But is that really, that's kind of on Superman. You know what I mean? Stress, really, is about your whole self internalizing external forces. And do you know what? The Superman grounder thing, he doesn't do much to relieve himself of stress because he instantly goes to try and solve

problems that a superhero cannot solve. Like an abusive family. Exactly. Superman, what's Superman for real? Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. There's an abusive family And someone's car's fucked Are like the two things And there's Aliens pretending to be people

Living in a neighbourhood Yeah And Superman just Amazing Hangs out And tries to solve some problems Don't Do what you're gonna do

Be better than that And everyone's like Fuck Superman Thanks for stopping The cycle of violence That's exactly What you did just then The problem with Superman

Is that he's a very hands-on guy. Yeah. He's not gonna be like, okay, I'm gonna teach the masses or kind of like preach and be like, do good. Well, that's what Superman grounded is. Him having to preach. Had to go for him. He's back to Superman like normal.

After 12 issues, fine, I think. I want to see a Superman that practices self-care. A Superman that's like from Monday to Saturday, I am your defender. Sunday is Superman's day. Sunday is my time. Sunday is for the soups.

Meteor's coming, they're like, Superman. He's like, hey, sorry, I'd love to. Call me on Monday. Call me on Monday. Get Martian Manhunter. What's he doing? Also, do you know what else would be stressful? Going to work. Yeah, that's true. From 9 till 5, if anything fucks up. Superman's, like,

attendance must be appalling. Or... How does Perry White not realise? Is he just, like, fucking... Well, he's an investigative reporter, so he's like, go out and do shit. Yeah, I suppose. So, like, he can be covered there, but he's not. He's always at the... The Daily at the The Daily Bugle The Weekly Planet

That's the one Grab that article Grab that news source No so yeah he's Imagine you're Perry White So imagine you're Superman You could be Perry White I'll be Lois Lane.

I want to pull a... Fuck yeah. Your friend got shot in the head in front of you. That's sad. Surprise, we're living in the Man of Steel universe now. That makes me Lawrence Fishburne. I didn't stop it. I'm sorry, but I did squish a terrorist.

Maybe. I could have been there from the start, honestly. I could have real solved some problems. I know about Batman, but I don't care. This got out of hand. This escaped me as a scenario. I don't know how baths work. Now my jeans are wet.

I gave too much power to the two of you. I should have done it. I printed the front page of a newspaper without an article on it just because. Fuck you. I should have dived on in and been like, hey, I didn't want Wonder Woman to wield a spear, so I did it. And now you're dead. Yep.

My building got fucked up. Twice. Maybe just once. But I was pretty stressed and I was under rubble. Remember that time you hired Jane Olsen and then everyone forgot about it? So then Jimmy Olsen was there to get shot in the head? What's that about?

I like my Olsen twins. So, I was going to say, if you're Superman... Yes, as you tell Sam it is. And, like, say a meteor's coming outside, you're in the middle of work. How do you make it not suspicious? Oh, my God, I need to, like, be with my loved ones.

No. I, my God. I need to be with my loved ones. No. I'm eating chips. He's very good at eating the chip. Usually I'm like, why is Dooshie yelling at me? All right, he's very white. He's very white. I'm not asking permission, and I would leave. What's Barry White going to do?

You know how big Superman is? You know how Clark Kent is? Yeah. You shove him. He'd probably keep eating the chips that I've been really eating in this episode, but now I've run out. So, yeah, keeping your secret identity is going to be fucking hell for Superman because he knows it's bad. Yeah. Superman, when he's young, is like, my secret identity will be glasses and messy hair.

And then he sees like fucking Martian Manhunter who can use, or even technology that just allows you to cloak the way you look. Yeah, yeah. And he's like Shit Should've done that Or he sees Batman in a mask He's like Ah fuck masks

Masks Ah I don't think of a mask I'm such an idiot Oh just like a bandana It's quite weird Fuck yes Bandanas

Oh you mean like over his eyes With eye holes Like a Zara looking thing No I was meaning Like a pirate bandana Or both Fuck yes Fuck yes So one incorporates, I was meaning like a pirate bandana. Fuck yes. Fuck yes.

One that incorporates both, so it's like a pirate bandana over his eyes. Kind of like that one guy in... Zorro? The Mask Off? No. Zorro the Legend Of. Someone in the Junkyard Pals? The fuck is that? What's his name? Fat Albert! Anyway, a guy in Fat Albert had a beanie that went over his eyes.

Leave me alone. Yeah, so it's... Ninja Turtles is probably a better example. No, because they weren't listening. Keep up. Keep up. No! So, with Superman, though, I guess the reason he says Clark Kent is because he is Clark Kent.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, we've had this argument before, but like... Oh, no. Every superhero is alter ego, so it's like Batman's alter... Sorry. Bruce Wayne... Fuck! Anyway. Batman

is Bruce Wayne's alter ego. Yeah. But Superman is the only one where Superman is him. Yeah. Clark Kent is his alter ego. See, I always argue the opposite. No, it's fine. Because he was raised as Clark Kent. But that's fine. Yeah. That's fine. That was my point, is that he. Clark Kent is his alter ego. See, I always argue the opposite. Because he was raised as Clark Kent. But that's fine. That's fine. That was my point, is that he is Clark Kent.

So he's not going to get a new identity, because that would be three identities. You know what I mean? Yeah. So he's got to be stressed about that. Exactly. And he's got to be like, what if he just takes off his glasses one day

and just cleans them and someone's like, ugh. Which, again, it's a stressful disguise he's put on himself. Yeah. What would you have done? A mask. Yeah, wear a mask. I'd just be Superman the whole time. Who gives a shit?

Then I don't need to get a 9 to 5 job. Yeah, I wouldn't get a 9 to 5 job. Superman just really, and also I wouldn't have a moral code. This comes down to what does Superman want and need? Why do you get a job? You know what I mean? It's like, okay, to provide...

Did you hear our episode about how... How it's a... But in that episode we tell him not to. So, again, if he was really wanting journalistic integrity,

what I would do is be like, well, I am Superman journalist. Yeah, exactly. I am Kal-El super journalist. Nah, but you can't do that

because you can't have a police officer that's a journalist on crime because it's biased. Then I'd be like, I guess it wouldn't fight crime. I'd just be reporting it. I guess a lot of things would... Fuck it. I'd live on the moon. I'd just really be like, I'm an alien.

Fuck you. Also, again, you can't have a cop because like, you know, we can stop a cop. We can put that cop in jail or whatever. No, you can't stop a cop. You can't stop Superman. I guess I assume most superheroes have a secret identity basically so they don't get arrested right yeah like like if you found out spider-man who he was you could be like that's vigilantism you're going to jail also like with spider-man it's also protecting his loved ones but like because

every superhero is only like a lot of their powers and that is just like a gadget like batman's like a gadget so you could kill him as bruce wayne pretty easy yeah spider-man like he has spider sense and stuff like that but he isn't like he's infallible yeah yeah yeah to blow up his school i mean a bit excessive i'm a super villain you're not wrong i thought you were just you well like yeah no i think that has happened similar same hat when, similar, similar. When Peter Parker... I blew up Peter Parker's school? When it got revealed that Peter Parker was,

I think he was a science teacher, the school got attacked by, like, a green gobbo or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway. See, I think the person who would be the most stressed would be Ant-Man, because what if a bird gets him? He can get big again. No, hang on.

Are we grading how stressed they are on a stress scale? Let's talk about how hard their poops are. How many shits per week? Yeah, how many shits per week is how stressed... Because when you're very stressed, everything stops. Yeah. Superman, the butthole issue is hard. We don't know if he is shitting.

Look, he's got the human anatomy for this situation. Is it pooping issue with or without coffee? Because I'm assuming if you're stressed, you're chugging down some coffees. With coffee, but it's still, you just- Doesn't do anything? He might do one big shit a week, I would say, for Superman. I reckon once on a Sunday. Yeah, once on a Sunday after six long blacks.

Yeah, he sits down, lowers his- Long black is a term, otherwise that's a very. Yeah. Once on a Sunday after six long blacks. Yeah. He sits down. Long black is a term. Otherwise, that's a very weird sentence. It's just like a shot of coffee. No, but is that a term? No, it won't float in some places. Really? Okay, long black is a black coffee.

Yeah. Two shots of coffee and hot water. Yeah. That's basically long black. Yeah. So six of them. And even then. And that's his like lowest.

He's sweating. He's taking off his shirt. Give me a quick second, little Lois. I gotta go and take a mean, meaty shit. The stress has gotten to me. Why am I with you, Clark? Gee whiz, I don't know. But no.

It's for his lovable accent. So can I describe a situation, an Ant-Man situation for you? Yes. And then you can tell me about how hard you think his poops are. So you're Ant-Man. Yeah. Okay. You've just finished a successful mission and you come back and maybe it was in suburbia.

Okay. Okay. You're running through someone's house. Yeah. What gets you? A dog thinks you're a mouse, picks you up in its jaws. Yep. To save yourself, you have to kill the dog.

Can Ant-Man just get himself a little big to the point where he's like as big as, say, a small hare? A small hare? Yeah. Oh, like the rabbit. Yeah. Yeah. Nevertheless, the dog's still biting him. Yeah.

He has to get big in the second the dog's teeth clamp down. And if he's doing that, the dog's dead. Because you could get as big as a cat, or as big as a... Jackson, if you're that small, do you know what's going to sound real loud? A dog walking behind you. You think Ant-Man's never going to get got by a dog. No, I think he's going to get got by a dog. That's fine. I'm saying...

Yeah, he's got Ant-Man strength. He can just be like, oh, I opened the mouth. And kill the dog. Open the mouth. When you open Melody's mouth, do you accidentally snap her head in half? But imagine you're inside the mouth. You've got your hands on the roof of the mouth, your feet on the tongue. Yeah.

What's your next step, Duscha? Step out. Step out? Yeah. So you have to slide your hands along the roof, your feet along the tongue. You're likely to slip because it's a mess in there. And then slam!

Have you ever lifted anything heavy? Have I ever lifted a dog's mouth no i mean pick up a bot okay imagine you picked up a bot wait yeah pick up hypothetically you're moving house you pick up a box yeah you're standing still when you take one step all of a sudden is the weight overpowering situation what i mean is that you have to keep the dog's mouth agape yeah yeah you gotta gape that dog now you're gonna gape the dog's mouth a gape. Yeah. Yeah. You got to gape that dog's mouth. You got to gape the dog's mouth. So it's not like you're carrying something heavy. No, we're getting way too close.

You have pressure on both ends. Yeah. When you take a step, it's difficult. It's different from just lifting a box. Look, you're right. It's slippy. However, a dog's jaw isn't spring loaded. Yeah, but that dog is going to be trying to eat you.

That dog's not going to be like, oh, cool. But you keep getting bigger. You're not going to kill the dog. Look, you that dog is going to be trying to eat you. That dog's not going to be like, oh, cool. But you keep getting bigger. You're not going to kill the dog. Look, you might injure it. Or you get way smaller. Then you get swallowed by the dog and enjoy being eaten. No, because if you get tiny, get between its teeth. Like, tiny. That's also true. You could do

that, but that's dangerous because you get stuck in the micro first or whatever. And also, if you get small enough, the dog's mouth is... Micro-machines first's micro machines he'll be like you'll swallow you gotta be quick you gotta be very quick i would say and then you have to explode out of a dog yeah that's worse and then i would say just get digested whatever get so small that you can whatever come on i'd say you could if ant-man look is is Ant-Man either 0 or 100? That's my question. No. We've seen that he is not 0 or 100. All right, so he can't...

Have we? Have we? Yeah, he's not just like, I'm big, I'm little. Yeah, but he never gets, like, 3 foot. He doesn't. He should. He's either Ant-Man small or smaller, or Big Man. What's he called?

Giant Man. Or Goliath. Or Goliath. Or Yellow Jacket. He's had a lot of names. Yeah. Or that high. We never see him be like, what if I was six foot eight?

He never grows. Because he could, surely. I guess he just doesn't have the training or willpower or something. Because getting tiny, I guess, doesn't take... Because he gets tiny and he's just like, I'm too tiny now. Yeah. He can't stop it, right? Yeah.

No, he breaks it to get that small. Yeah, he does. He just presses a button, yeah? Yeah. Yeah. He can't stop it. Right? Yeah. No, he breaks it to get that small. Yeah, he does. He just presses a button, yeah? Yeah. Yeah. So you can't really gauge with a button. Unless he holds it. Oh, that's right. If he holds it. Because it's in his hand. There's an answer to this, and I'm sure people are

screaming at us. But like, I've never seen him be, because if he could become like a two foot lad. Yeah. I'm gonna do what everyone else would have probably done. So his dog, he's in the dog's mouth. So the size of a mouse. He's in the dog's mouth.

The dog's like, and he's like, shit, shit, fuck, fuck, goddamn dog. And he just grows a little bit.

The dog is still going to keep shaking it to the point where it's, he's, he's, he's a hat man. Is that man still the same weight as he is when he's small? Because I don't know if a dog could, in theory, lift a ripped Paul Rudd in his mouth I don't... Does anyone pick him up in Ant-Man? Because he has the same, like, when he punches

He's got the same punching power He's got the same, like, punching power The strength of a man, but he's smaller Yeah So it's all that power in that little tiny punch. So he must be the same weight. But he can jump a lot higher, but his muscles are different.

The science of Ant-Man is a trough. My science of a normal person isn't good to begin with. No. We are basically standing over the edge of the cliff, Wile E. Coyote style, with a sign saying, help us. And about to collapse into the fucking canyon below exactly i'm like the tiny shoes one where i just walk on open air and being like i

haven't learned about gravity yet don't affect me exactly so i would because does that mean when he gets giant man he's like still only say 70 or 80 kilos Yeah No see that can't be because he crushes the plane Yeah So he must Because he'd be like a wisp of a man He's giant But then when he was Ant-Man If a strong breeze should like knock him away

Yeah But Maybe Because unless he's increasing his mass And his density when he gets big Because it's kind of like When he shrinks down it's got the same sort of like mass So his punches have an gets big because it's kind of like when he shrinks down it's got the same sort of like mass so his punches have an extra i get that kind of aspect like you're

getting all that weight and power into something tiny so it's like you know you're forcing all that yeah you're kind of like all right i have no idea it's science but i can get it but when he gets big shouldn't the opposite be true shouldn't he blow over like a fucking in a strong breeze yeah he should be like a wafer because because then the stress of becoming too big is there. What if I become too big? I can't lift my legs. But he becomes too big and just collapses. Yeah.

What if he becomes too big and like the gaps in his spine tear? Oh, God. I checked out of this episode for a bit to do a bit of research. Yeah. So in the film, we see him in two distinct sizes because the size regulator. Okay. But there is no reason why he can't just stop in the middle. It's just for the film.

So theoretically, he gets small enough to get out of a dog's skin. Yeah. That in and of itself, I would argue, is stress. Well, I would argue, I think you've gone too specific with the ant-man stress article uh stress argument i would say that it's just very stressful that your entire body is changing what if one day it stops what if one day you get stuck that's true yeah like the wind changes you know and you're like ah i'm tiny forever and i was pulling a face. Yeah, that's true. Also, like, it must be hard to navigate when you're tiny. Did you know if Ant-Man gets too big, he sees God?

No, I did not know this. It's a thing. So, you know, there's the tiny-verse. Yeah. Where he gets too little. Yeah. If he gets too big, he's up there with the Celestials. So, he gets, like, the macro-verse?

Yeah, yeah. He gets the macro-verse and that's where all the gods live. Oh, like the embodiment of eternity and all those because he's too big that's a stress that's look he's not shitting yeah like i think initially i'm like oh yeah dealing with day-to-day lives or whatever but the moment i become too big and i see god i'm like i um things have uh i have entered godhood by being too big also it's really scary that it's a size regulator and that he can just like what if someone messes with it and they're like you're gonna shrink

forever that's kind of what happens to imaginep. And also just like the conversation. You are there. You are this huge, big, giant man. And there's the embodiment of like eternity and entropy and all that being like, oh, hey, how'd you get here? He's like, I'm too big. Ant-Man 3, Paul Rudd talks to God. Ant-Man gets too big and there is God. That's great because just the ability to achieve Godhood

through sheer size is God. That's great because just the ability to achieve Godhood through sheer size is spectacular. And then the knowledge that I'm chatting to these people and that eternity and like the universe and all these has sentient beings attached to it, that would cause me to freak out. It's causing me to kind of have an existential crisis as is.

Right now when you are not even too big. And I'm not even too big to deal with this. But if I was too big, and then would I become small? And what is that point? Is there like if I am, say, a billion feet, I'm talking to God, but if I'm like one foot off a billion, am I not talking to God? Where are you?

Is it a gradient? Where have I gone? Am I breathing still? How am I getting too big? Also, it's fucked up that Ant-Man is just a guy. He's not super strong. He's not just a guy. He's not super strong. He's not, like, super tough. He's just a dude. So, like, you know, maybe if a dog bites him and he's quick enough,

he can explode out the dog. But, like, he's just a dude. He stands on him and he's not thinking. Imagine you're Ant-Man and you're on a stick. This comes down to this whole idea of you must be that same weight or whatever because he has that. If someone stood on him, he could lift them up, right? Yeah. Imagine you're Ant-Man and you're on a- This comes down to this whole idea of you must be that same weight or whatever, because he has that- If someone stood on him, he could lift them up, right?

Yeah. Because he's got that strength and power of him being small. Well, he's got like an ant does, doesn't he? Which is like 10 times proportionate strength. Yeah, something like that. What if a car drove over him? Is that car crashing? Or is that him done?

Yeah, surely that's him done. Surely that's him done. That's surely. Yeah. A man stepping on him, yeah, look, he could be fine. Because if a man steps on me, I'm like, hey, quit it. Yeah, a car rolls over you, you're dead. I'm dead, yeah.

I'm not going to be like, ah. So Ant-Man having to cross a road, scary. Yeah. You know. Also, again, getting attached. Not armed either. Yeah. To, like, ants.

He is armed. Yeah. And he is. Is he? He is. He is. It's kind of armor. It's not, like, good armor, though. Yeah, no, it's not like a- Compar's kind of armor. It's not like good armor.

Yeah, no, it's not like a- Comparatively to everyone else. It's not like a good Iron Man armor. Yeah. But it's like, he's more padded than like a Captain America. Yeah, but Captain America doesn't need the padding. That's the point. It's kind of like motorcycle leathers.

Yeah, exactly. It's like- Which is like fine, but like not going to stop you. But for just a regular- Look at all the other regular humans in the MCU. Falcon, he's fine. He's got, like, military-grade armor. Both Hawkeye and Black Widow just wear bodysuits.

And they're exposed, like, a lot. Yeah, that's true. They are. See, that's bad, too. Nick Fury's never on the front line, though. Do you remember Nick Fury in Captain America Civil War, where he was just going around with guns? Fuck yeah.

Well, also, yeah, getting attached to ants, which he already does in the film. Yeah. And he gets all sad when one of them dies or nearly dies or whatever. I can't remember that film. Yeah. Does Antony die? No. You're pulling that scene from nowhere, and that's great.

No, but Antony gets, like, he gets wounded, doesn't he? No, because he's big in the end. They have him like a dog, remember? No, with the ant he gets attached to that flies. Yeah, Antony gets big at the end. Antony gets big? And they have him like a dog. Fuck. You just made up a scene. Isn't he stressed because Antony

almost dies? Oh, no, you're thinking about that scene where Bucky falls off the train. Yeah, that's what you're thinking of. You're getting Bucky and Antony the Ant confused. Yeah. Antony, the guy with the metal arm. He's got the metal arm. He's in Wakanda currently.

The White Wolf. Antony. Yeah. Out of that tent. And everyone was like, White Wolf, White Wolf. And Shuri was like, oh, there you are, White Wolf. You know, he's like, Cap America, let's join the army, you know? In Black Panther when they bring in what's his face?

The military guy. Everett Rost. He's like, you've brought me in another giant ant. Time to fix another giant ant. Yeah, that one. Antony. No, Antony. You're right. You're actually 100%. Getting attached to ants.

And ants don't have the longest lifespan. No. And we buy domestic products to get rid of a lot of ants. Surely he'd have attachment to these ants. Because, again, he already does have one. Yeah. And that would be stressful. What if Ant-Man just gets like, he's going exploring with the ants,

and someone poisons the ants? Surely that would kill him, right? And then you're like, you take him. Like emotionally? Yes. But like, if Ant-Man dies in an anthill and then you clear that anthill and you're like, there's a lot of dead ants in one tiny guy. Or you're like, oh, like he goes into an anthill and you're out there being like, I've got

to kill these ants and I want to make sick art. Yeah. And you melt down like silver or whatever it is and you pour it in and you get like a cool little sculpture. In that, there's going to be one little tiny guy being like, eh. No, but I think the thing is with all of that stuff is it's definitely stressful

but I don't think it's going to kill him because the moment he realises something like that emotionally he'll be hurt but he'll just get big yeah that's true and he's covered in like

molten silver he'll be covered in a bit of molten silver because it'll only make him big not the silver what if an eagle gets him I guess he's going to explode out of that eagle

no like in it's claws and it starts flying away and he has to get big and the eagle's like... Oh my God! But the eagle's keeping a grip on him. Will he be able to get big enough in time that if he drops he doesn't die from the fall? Yeah, because then he becomes and sees God.

That's true. He gets too big and he gets so big and the eagle's still with him. The eagle accidentally sees God too. The eagle sees the eagle, God. That eagle is not shitting. It is a stressed eagle. So stressed. Eagle dog and it's all eagle buddies.

I picked up a guy, like a fish I thought, and then he took me to God. One second I was picking up what I thought was a mouse and now Here I am I need to rethink some things in my life How often do we think Ant-Man's shitting?

Less than Superman Yeah at this point maybe he's like a half poop Half poop a week I reckon he has to drink coffee every day And he does one little rabbit poop a day Yeah Like it's a nervous rabbit poop He's never He has to shrink down And he does one little rabbit poop a day. Yeah. Yeah, like it's a nervous rabbit poop. Yeah.

And he's not, he's never, he is never. He has to shrink down. Yeah. And go like in an ant nest or underground somewhere where he's just like, no one's near him. Yeah. Silence. He needs that silence. You think it's easier for him to shit if he's bigger?

Yeah, because the food in his stomach wouldn't be getting any bigger. Does that mean he's like got a giant sphincter but small poops? That's very weird. Why do you say that? No, because he's... Oh, he's getting big? Yeah. Well, no, he's...

Because if he's getting small, does that mean he's got a tiny sphincter and a lot of poops? That's no good. Well, actually, no, his food inside him must change. Has to. Otherwise, when he shrinks,

he's just like... Just like shit just everywhere. Oh, my God. You have to... When you shrink down you gotta be fasting otherwise poop through your pores okay so we're gonna do this seeing like a giant shit explode out of a man i just love the original ant-man being like um all right so okay so you you fasted for three days beforehand yeah and he And he's like, what? Yeah, whatever. Yeah, I did it.

Whatever. You've got to be fucking 100% on that. Yeah, whatever. Anyway. Boom! Fucking hell. Nobody ever fasts. Now I've just got to shit.

Just sweep it off. It's a bloody stool. Throw it out. Throw it in the bin. Yeah, stressful. Stressful. So I know. Throw it in the bin. Yeah, stressful. Stressful. So I know that I said superhero. Yeah.

And look, I'm happy to bat for this fella and call him a superhero. That's good. But brace yourself, because I think the most stressed superhero of all, Magneto. Superhero is a bit much. Look, I mean, at times he's been a turncoat, as in, like, turned away from the Brotherhood of Evil, and at one point he was educating and teaching a whole school of children. What against the Nazis? He does run a school called the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants.

It is in the title. It was just Brotherhood of Mutants, and then the press called it, you know, the fake news press called it Evil Mutants. Okay, no, that's fair, that's fair. And at this point he's thinking he was working for the uncanny X-Men, and at one point, he was like a leader of a nation

that got attacked. So, look, I'm happy to call it. Yeah. In that sort of grey area. Go on. All right, so every superhero has an arch nemesis. Imagine if your arch nemesis had telepathy. And no moral compass for some reason.

Even though there are air quotes a good guy. Also imagine if you survived the Holocaust and then had to deal with shit like this every day. Yeah look

I would never take off that helmet. Yeah absolutely. That's bolted onto my head. I would be so thankful that I'd there must have been a long period of time

for Magneto before he created the helmet where every time he hung out like he fought Professor X he just you know what I mean? You don't do that immediately. You've got to have been a long period of time for Magneto before he created the helmet where every time he hung out, like, he fought Professor X, he just, you know what I mean? Yeah. You don't do that immediately. You've got to have been, like, dealing with Professor X being like, I don't know what to think. You'd be like, Charles, I noticed I wanted chicken for dinner, but you've made me order beef.

What, you? What are you going to do now? Are you allergic? No. What are you allergic to? Shellfish. Next week he forgets because he just doesn't pay enough attention.

I ordered you pork. I mean, this is just not what I wanted. My throat's fine. Doesn't it swell? What? Doesn't it swell up when you have- Shellfish.

Fuck. And that made you eat pork. Yeah. Yeah. Look, I'm going to- What doesn't- Oh, wait. Magneto won't want to eat pork.

No, that's true. Yeah, he probably won't. Now you've just upset him. That's very rude. That is rude. And look, Magneto is fighting an uphill battle the whole time because he's like mutants. We are battle.

People hate him. X-Men hate him. Yeah, yeah. He's just looking out for his own. You know what I mean? He's been like, I was dunked on pretty hard because of the people I was with and who I was born into. And now it's happening again.

No, no, no, no. We need to fight up. Yeah. Rise up and fight. Imagine watching Professor X who's like, oh, we'd work alongside the humans and then humans are like murdering mutants. And he's like, no, they're pretty good. And you'd be like, Charles, I know for a fact that you can change people's minds.

You've changed my mind so many times. One speech. That's all it takes. All it would take is just one speech to be like, hey, don't kill us. You guys are being far too reasonable to Professor X, but listen, Charles, you fuckhead. Stop being such a cunt about this.

Yeah. You know what I'd do if I was, because the big problem with Magneto is he gets his helmet taken off him. I would get just implants. Like big metal implants in my head. Get the helmet just put over your brain. Yeah, basically.

To be like, can't take it off me. Oh, using your magnet powers? I'm the magnet boy. You could bully Magneto then because his head would look like the head of a penis. Yeah, that's true. You could call him Knobhead and it would be apt. It would be apt as hell. Hey, why does Magneto never just pick

up Professor X's wheelchair and tip him out? Why is he never like, ah, here we are, time to fight again? I think Professor... Actually, I was going to say, I think Professor X's wheelchair is not made of metal, but I'm pretty sure he does pick up his wheelchair at some point. Professor X, get a wooden wheelchair.

I think that's why he made the X-Men. So he could throw them at Magneto while he quickly wheels away. Yes, get him, beast. It's going to be fine. Over him being like, hey, why have you never got a wooden wheelchair? Why don't you get wooden claws, fucker? Professor X being like, it'll be flammable. Someone will set it on fire what do you know how many people control fire at this school it is what look there's so many fire control one metal guy one metal

wheelchair is the way to go yeah playing the odds so yeah okay so the sphere that superman is like if i don't battle at 100 humanity might end Ant-Man's like I might get eaten shit up by a dog Yeah Magneto's like gone through so much shit And just everyday when he wakes up It's not getting any better And plus think about the brotherhood of mutants

Let's go through them and talk about how worthwhile They're the fucking worst people to hang out with Toad Who cares He's so slimy He'd be like leaving stains on your great couch They're the fucking worst people to hang out with. Toad. Fuck Toad. Who cares? He's so slimy. He'd be like leaving stains on your great couch all the time. And he looks messy. Like as in like he'd leave like takeaway containers all over the house.

And you know that he's not really understanding Magneto's point. Magneto's like- And this is, look, a bit controversial. It's not handled in the film. But Toad looks like the type of guy that's just constantly proclaiming that he eats ass. Yeah, absolutely. He's one of those guys that likes eating pussy too much. Won't stop talking about it.

He's like, I'll happily eat a girl. I don't want to. And everyone's like, Toad, please. We're trying to figure out what we want for dinner, not... I want pussy. Like, shut up, Toad. We know. We get it.

Most guys are selfish lovers. Not me. Give me pussy. Like, shut up, Tony. We know. We get it. You know, most guys are selfish lovers. Not me. Give me a clitoris on my honey day. I know all the bits. They don't call me Toad for nothing.

I'll turn around and eat her ass. You ever had a little man lick your uterus? Because I can do that. My tongue's real big. It grows. I'll eat your ass.

You ever had a little gross man inside? You got any gross man inside you? Would you like some? I've got any gross man's tongue inside you. I know I'm oily. That's good. Pre-lube. What?

What? That by my sex lubricant. I bring my own, my dick wear. You see these scales They're bumpy For your pleasure I'm grinding my arms On that album

Lute for your pleasure Please Toad No Let me eat your ass Toad eats us So Toad is the worst Toad is terrible And I hate him

And I'm so sad Magneto has to know him. Magneto's old. He just wanted to do that. Like, look, look, kid. Yo, Magneto got a grandchildren? Any girls? I just feel like he'd be like, yes, Toad, I understand you'd like to eat ass,

but I'm like 70 years old. What, you think your generation invented eating out an asshole? Fuck you. I've eaten ass, Toad. You know. I've lived a life. It gets boring after a while. I've eaten one ass. I've eaten a million asses, Toad. Yo, where's Scarlet Witch? Why you never

bring her around anymore? I'm just talking to her. Does she know I eat ass? We're all very aware of your ass-eating abilities, Toad. Here's the worst. You've got Mystique. Mystique, frankly, I'm... You should get out of that house.

He just keeps changing into everyone else. Mystique? He's like, hey, Mystique, you like getting your ass eaten? I shapeshifted so I don't have one. You can't. Shapeshifted my ass away for you. Ah, man. That sucks.

Then he frog hops his way to his damp bedroom. Also, Mystique is like, you know, Mystique, do you fuck? Yeah, so, look, Mystique is fine, but... Honestly, Mystique, out of all... Tart is definitely going to be the worst,

and Mystique, I think, is going to be the best. Yeah, I feel like Magneto's just going to be hanging out with Mystique, being like, I fucking hate them so much. They're going to have a couple of glasses of red wine or white wine, and he's just bitching about the rest of them. And Juggernaut is always running. Yep. And breaking shit.

Breaking shit. Blob is... Juggernaut, was that you? I was going to say the line from... But then it's so dumb that I just abandoned it halfway through. I decided that this rambling explanation was better than me quoting a movie. Correct. In my mind, Juggernaut just keeps like,

can he help it? Like if Juggernaut's in the shower and he slips on some soap. He's unstoppable, mate. He's just going to run through the house. Naked. Completely naked, but with the helmet on. You then got Blob as well.

He's always... Slimy again. He's not slimy again He's not slimy He's just grotesque Oh Not Yeah yeah Yeah

Yeah Cause again He's gonna be like He just won't He won't leave the couch But I always I feel like you'd be friends with Toad He is their best

Fucking friends Are they? I wanna say yes Oh no I always feel sorry for Blob though Because Blob's like What's your mutant power Fucking mystique You can be anyone you want oh that's what's your mutant power magneto

you can control metal you know my mutant power is is a prop i'm a fat shit i am no matter what i do i don't die i diet nothing nothing this is me you know what it's gross everyone's had like known people like toad and blob like you know that that Toad's making up stories about eating ass and Blob's later jerking off thinking about them. Blob is unimaginably impressed by Toad's lies. Like Toad is like, yeah, I've eaten the ass of like 10, 20 women. In one night. In one night I did it.

And Toad's got a whole bunch of lies about going to different places and that's where he's like, you go to the UK, man. That's where you can eat the ass. Everybody wants it. And Blob's like, oh he's like you gotta go to the uk man that's where you can eat that's everybody wants it and blob's like oh man i should go to the uk but like you know oh toad that sounds so good and then you got pyro i just think he's just so angsty he's just so angry like i'm surrounded by a gross man who keeps trying to eat everyone's ass. A fat shit who believes the little ass eater. Believes the toad has eaten everyone's ass.

He's an idiot. And he always wears a leotard. Look, I get it. It's comfortable. I wish I was wearing a leotard at all times. Chuck on some jeans. But fuck. Maybe put on a pair of pants.

Melody is yelping. Good girl. Is she having a nightmare? You having more nightmares? Or she'd die. Yep, there we go. Good girl. Melody, stop complaining.

She having dreams. And then you've got like an angsty boy. Yeah. That didn't wake her up, but now I'm worried. So that's a podcast where a dog dies on air? Mella. She's fine. Her tail started wagging the moment Dusha went over to her.

We thought you were dying, Melody. Don't die. Yeah, and yeah, we've got a teenage boy who wants to set things on fire and is angsty. It's funny because Magneto, he's like, what, 60? I'd say if not older. 70? And also, in the comics, the only real brotherhood I can remember is someone called, like,

Mammoth Max, who's just like an elephant man. That's pretty cool, though. Magneto's just got a whole bunch of big fellas and slimy fellas. And so he must be so jealous of, of like looking at fucking Prim and perfect Cyclops And Jean Grey and the whole crew

And being like Should have gotten the good ones And also like he knows that Why do I have all the uggos Wolverine's like borderline Could go either way Why don't you go Join the Morlocks

I think Magneto's problem is that he doesn't have a uniform. That's what I always think is getting him down. He lets everyone... It's a free dress. Yeah, it is. And it doesn't look good. Everyone's rebelling as well.

What's super nice about the Professor Arxer school is that everyone's nice in uniform. You know? Yeah. See, I don't know if he's stressed, though. I see him as frustrated. Yeah. I see him being like... He's taking angry shits. Yeah, absolutely. But a decent amount. I reckon he's fairly regular. see him being like, he's taken angry shits,

but a decent amount. I reckon he's fairly regular. I don't know if he's stressed. I think he's frustrated. When was his last solid shit? I don't think he's had a solid shit in years, but he's like 70. He's gotta be in brand. He's less shits and more reverse sneezes. That's terrible.

Imagine Magneto, Just like a very slow It's not a reverse sneeze, it's a sneeze from the wrong end It's physically reverse I just imagine Magneto waking up in the morning Having a glass of prune juice Going to the toilet, but it's all like Slow and methodical

It's silent, but you can kind of hear Toad talking shit In the background He doesn't lock eyes with anyone His whole morning routine is just, like, very solo. People talk to him. He doesn't listen. Yeah. Sculls a glass of prune juice, grabs the paper, takes it to the bathroom, and you don't see him for maybe an hour.

Yeah. Imagine Toad eating cereal with his dumb mouth. Milk going fucking everywhere. No, he wouldn't eat cereal for breakfast. He'd be like a leftover pizza every day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. Because he orders pizza every night. And every single time he eats pizza, he's like,

pizza always tastes better the next day. I get asked for a large family once, I can have some the next day. And Blob being like, yeah, I just can't lose the weight. And there's like, Magneto mumbling in his breath. And you just eat a salad once in a while. Just have good food. Look after your body.

I don't know. Your body's your fucking temple. Look at my body. I'm 70 and ripped. I'm in amazing shape. God, it's sad. It's more sad than like stressed. Yeah, it's not stressed.

It's sad and frustrated. Yeah. I can just see him being like trying to be the leader of this whole ragtag group of fuckwits but he's too old you know what i mean that's the best way to describe the brother of a mutant a ragtag group of fuckwits and yeah he's just too old for this shit he just needs to hang out with people his own age or just like suck it up and be like charles i've made some mistakes maybe that's why him and charles have such a they're always fighting because like magneto is like he's the only person my age I can talk to. And like, because he, you know, he grew up in an era where he doesn't know how to express love between friends.

He's just like, I guess we're fighting. Fighting is the only way I can do it. Him being like, yeah, it must, it's frustrating having like mutants that you work with. Professor X being like, it's great. And the problem here is because he's wearing the helmet, Xavier can't read his thoughts. This is what he just wants, is he wants friendship. Xavier can never figure it out.

But it's actually, yeah, they keep fighting. If he were to break through that helmet, he would hear Magneto being like, I just want a front. I just want a hug, Charles. I just want a hug. I just want a hug. And someone would tell me that it's going to be okay professor x wheels up to him to give him that hug and then smacks him in the knee with a tire iron and wheels away no friends in the

mutant game cunt i just i just think it really just comes down to the fact that magneto lived through one atrocity and then he would have spent like at least the last 20 years just on the brink of that happening again to him. And then it did. Yeah. With Genosha. Yeah. So it's just kind of depressing. Yeah, it's just sad. Depress is maybe not the right- Imagine if World War 2 went from 1939 to 2018

though. Like, for you, that's pretty stressful. That's pretty stressful. But is it stressful or is it going to be like, you know, the blitz with, like, all the people from, like, the UK where it was like, yes, stressful once, but then it's fine. We're dealing with it. We soldier on. Sif upper lip.

Yeah. So I figure, I reckon he's just had too much shit to deal with that he's probably like, it's fine. He's kind of hoping for it. Yeah. It's just kind of like this basic, like, flatlining his whole life. He's basically, right now, I am at a constant 5 out of 10. Magneto's kind of-

Maybe a 4.5. Ready to go. You know, he's lived too long. Yeah. And on a good day, he's a 5.5 out of 10. Yeah, absolutely. And that's when you see him smile, in quotation marks, where his lips kind of just make a little upwards curl, but not a big one.

No. Just like a kind of like a grimace almost, like a... All right. I just got one late in the game just before we wrap things up. Lex Luthor, because spending your whole life being like, I'm going to get murdered by Superman, pretty stressful. So stressful he loses his hair. Idiot. Egghead fucker.

Anyway, on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Stay stressed, America. It's not easy to be me. Thanks for listening, and if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspants Radio,

or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you want to hear our other shows you can head to sanspantsradio.com and you'll find all our other content there there's heaps

and if you want to support us head to sanspantsplus.com thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time goodnight for now but not forever kisses