Plumbing the Death Star - Which Superhero Would be the Worst to Ward For? (Ft. George Dimeralos)

Episode Date: December 3, 2017

In which our heroes have no powers, enter the scary world of sidekicks, and find themselves in a lot of danger very quickly as we’re joined by our good friend George Dimarelos and ask which hero would be the worst to ward for?Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammitGeorge: twitter.com/thegdima Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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brand new newsletter, or constantly check our website, sandspansradio.com slash live. We have a new banner now. You can check that out. I think it looks pretty cool. Hey, everybody, and welcome to today's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, which superhero would be the worst to ward for? Batman. Straight up Batman. You were ready for that.

He's got a model. That's true. You've got to fit into that model. I'm a 30-year-old man. He's going to adopt me, and he's going to be like, shave your legs. I'm like, what? Shave your legs, get into the swimsuit.

Ah, shit. Batman, I don't know if you know this, but as a man ages, he gets hair in a while. Shave your legs. Batman, what I'm getting at is it's not just my legs. I will be shaving my ass as well. Perfect. I'll get out for you to get the wax.

Oh, boy. Give me the hair. As a 30-year-old man, he's going to try and make me look like a prepubescent boy or a teen, and that's going to suck. I'm going to have to wear skin-tight outfits, which, in my physique at the moment, not a good look. Just not very good at all.

We have to assume for the sake of this whole episode that, one, the superhero in question, they want us as their ward. Oh, yes. They do want you as the ward. It's not just happenstance. And two, we are us as we exist now. No superpowers whatsoever. No superpowers or training.

Apart from those we already have, obviously. And apart from those that you might receive on the job. Like with Batman, surely you're going to get some. I think there's a lot of pluses to the Batman internship, if anything. He's going to give me training, but it's going to be a long time. And it's going to be rough training. It's going to be very rough training. And in terms of relatability, you are picking actually the best one.

I know, because he's crazy. And if we take, like say All-Star Batman he's going to kidnap me and then he's going to like put me in a bat cave until I eat rats is that what happens in All-Star Batman? it is I've read that as well in your recommendation

because he's the god damn Batman that's why I know he's great are you dense? are you retarded? Batman don't say that Batman you can't be cool that's why I know he's great. Are you dense? Are you retarded? Batman, don't say that. Batman, you're a man. That's not cool. Frank Miller. Do you think you could survive

the Batman internship? No, he'd kill me. Not even if it's all-star Batman, just regular Batman might kill you. That's true, yeah. Because it's rigorous. My back's gonna go. Although he true, yeah. Because it's rigorous. It's rigorous. It's rigorous. My back's going to go. Although he's got a rope that can fix that.

Exactly. Magical fixing rope. I feel like it's going to be the kind of thing where he's going to be like, Simon, okay, which of the martial arts weapons are you the best suited for? And you're like, non-Batman. He's like, I don't understand. Are you perhaps non-Chucks? What are you talking about, Batman?

Because all of the Robins, he's like, are they good? No. Are all the Rob-chucks? What are you talking about, Batman? Because like all of the Robins, he's like a sword. Are they good? No, no, no, no. I feel like some of the Robins aren't actually. Dick Grayson is like, what are you good at? I'm a gymnast. Sick. Okay, we're going to use that and extrapolate it out

so you're going to be good at everything. What was the one that was just a mechanic? No, he wasn't even a mechanic. He was just a teen thief. Yeah. He tries to steal. See, I could be like, hey, I'm going to steal your hubcap. He sounds like a lovely mentor, to be honest.

Well-practiced. He's got a lot of experience. And he makes you play to your strengths. So for you, you'd be like, let's get some podcasts. Actually, you're right. He might be good because we're going to share a bed. And I reckon he'd do all right with snuggles. Yeah, that's true.

That's pretty good. A lot of tech. Well, look, You know how to Nice place to stay He might set you up like Oracle He might be like I'm gonna put you in a clock tower You're gonna tell me where I need to go

Cause he has got many different styles of wards Exactly That's what I mean He adapts to you That's the interesting thing About being Batman's ward Is that you're now part of a family And that's nice

That is nice I'm expected for Batman the loner I know But you get to join a network of wards. But you got other Robins. You got younger or older siblings. Bitter. Bitter Robins. Some bitter, some not.

Some a good shoulder to cry on. Some like maybe are going to like beat me. Jason Todd's like, I was put in a Lazarus pit. Joker tortured me. This is not a fun job. I've also got the problems of like being kidnapped By a Joker And Crowbar

That's true You do have a Joker The Joker threat is quite high You're an easy target I'm so easy Yeah you are I've been that person When Batman's like

Whoop whoop whoop Glides away And you're like I have to jump Between two buildings I'm gonna die I'll build Batman You know what I'm gonna do

Batman I'm gonna climb down This fire escape And get a fucking kebab Fuck you And then Joker's gonna Come up behind me While I'm eating a gyro Batman? I'm going to climb down this fire escape and get a fucking kebab. Fuck you. And then Joker's going to come up behind me while I'm eating a gyro and he's going to smack me over the head. And I'm like, ah, fuck, what?

Here's a question for you. If you say, so Batman's coming to you, he's like, Joe Zammett, I would like you to be part of my Bat family. I'm going to call you fucking, what's a bird that could be appropriate? Let's call you a penguin. Kookaburra. Let's call you Kookaburra. You're from Australia? No, that's good too. Let's call you a penguin. Kokobara. Let's call you Kokobara. You're from Australia. No, that's good too.

I'm more than just being an Aussie mate. Come on, there's a little bit more going on than that. No need to define me by my nationality. I guess. And then he gives you an outfit, you're into it, and then you're like, actually, this isn't for me. Can you leave? I don't think you can. No. I don't know. You can't.

I think Dick Grayson tries to leave And he joins a circus I suspect it's like the mafia But then that circus gets killed I don't know It's more a case where you'd feel really bad If you left Because Batman would feel so bad

He's a soft guy He's got a heart of gold on that He's so pathetic You're like I feel so bad about leaving Like another one leaving The ultimate boss That just wants you

Acts really tough the whole time but he's bleeding on the inside is this right in dick like because dick grayson leaves and he ends up like like patrolling bloodhaven but yeah and then he joins a circus but then because of his connections to batman i think joker kills the circus someone kills the circus i can't remember the detail that's that's the problem once're in it, you're in it. You never leave. Whereas I think if you were like, I don't know, say Superman's board, you're like, well, look, I've had my time.

I'm good. And Superman's like, have a good one, citizen. It's nice. Batman, you're like, I'd like to leave. Batman's like, hell, you are. Leave me why? Leave me like my parents left me when they got shot in that alleyway? He's going to cry. I'm like, oh, fuck. Well, you've got to give back the suit.

Batman, I don't have my clothes on me. Give it back. You can't have it. That's for good boys. Give me something. Oh, man, walking naked down Gotham like four in the morning. It's a price you pay for the family side of things. They remember you're not just forgettable to Batman.

He's going gonna have your clothes In a tube And he looks at it every day at work Kinda weird He was like your ward for like a month And then like I don't know Got a next job at a servo

He's gonna like swing by Look stop come in We miss you Can you come back Little badge shaped hearts is going to swing by, look, stop, come in. We miss you. Can you come back? The worst part is that he has a bat family. Little bat-shaped hearts on your doorstep. Because it's got the bat family, though, it means that not only- Is it a ghost symbol?

It's a symbol. We miss you. In the sky. It's like, come on, bats. I know that's your form of communication, but it's not the only way to reach out. I don't know how I can make this clear to you, Batman. But because of the family,

that means that it's not just Batman that's going to give you grief after you leave. Like fucking Red Hood might come up to you and be like, hey, you know, Batman's really upset that you left. And you've got to be like, I don't fucking... It's just the worst breakup ever. It is. Huntress being like, what the fuck, man?

Batman's been crying all day. Come on. I've got this rash From all my leg hair Growing back I couldn't do it Why can't he accept that Would he kill your parents No

Do you not have to be an orphan Is that not like a prerequisite To be Batman's lord It might be Is it a prerequisite I feel like most of the Surely it's not coincidence At this point

How many Robins is there? Have all the Robins had dead parents? Yeah, I think they have. Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Damian Wayne. I guess not Damian Wayne because Batman's his dad. Surely, I think most of them have. Who's the other one that's dead? Jason Todd, Dick Grayson.

There is another one, isn't there? Who the fuck is he? Anyway. Let's go deep into the law. I the fuck is he Let's go deep into the lore Let's get deep into the lore There was the female Robin From again Frank Miller's Crazy future The Dark Knight

She was also an orphan from memory I guess I'm going to have to stone cold kill my parents But would Batman do it or would he just... Happenstance. Well, we are picking him because it's the worst one to mentor. That's true. Your parents are dead. Tim Drake. Red Robin as he's known now. I'm guessing my parents have died in some kind of Joker gas accident and then he's like, you, you.

You're like, what? I was here for dinner. I don't, what? I got to deal with my, again, I'm planning a funeral. My brothers are coming. They come too. I guess. I suppose we'll be Robins.

Just the three emus. See, I reckon I can top Batman. I think I can top Batman. Oh. Like that. Okay. Oh. Like that. Okay. The Flash. Because I'm just me.

He's just like, let's stop crime, Jackson. And I'm like, well, time to get walking, I guess. Will you, however, be able to tap into the speed force No I'm just me But isn't the speed force available to How do you tap into the speed force I think you gotta be special You gotta be struck by lightning

I don't think so Yeah but like Green Lantern would be a good ward Because he'd give you a ring So is it like that I think the speed force chooses Speed Force, that's... Windland would be a good ward because he'd give you a rig. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sweet. So is it like that? No, I think the Speed Force chooses. So, I mean, like, maybe Flash could talk to the Speed Force and be like, hey, I got this kind of dumpy potato fuck

and I've decided he wants to be my ward for some reason. I don't know. Can you give him the Speed Force? Because I don't think that's how it works. What's the one where he goes back in time and has to get zapped to lightning, like absolutely zapped to shit by lightning. That's the flash.

That's flashpoint. So I suppose he could be like, alright Jackson, if you're gonna be my ward, take a seat in this chair. I'm like, okay, we're gonna get you the speed force. I'll kill you. Zap! And then, you know, maybe speed force. Maybe speed force.

Or just ability to be a god, basically. Frankly, I'd rather just, like, walk behind him as he goes and does it. As is what? Actually, maybe this isn't too bad because I don't have to do much. Yeah, that's true. He's way ahead of you in everything. I get there and he's solved it and I'm like, God, we're good at this. The Flash.

Yeah. I know, you're just going to be kicking back. And, like, the Flash would be kind of fun to hang out with apart from the... Yeah. Like, I feel like, like in general he's a pretty happy Get me a drink the Flash There it is He's not your servant I think that's how it is

It's not hard for him That's the requirement It's not hard for you Flash come on man You can do it like that Do you know how long it takes me to go to the shops Come on Plus if I kick my heels as I go Flash, come on man You can do it like that Do you know how long it takes me to go to the shops? Oh my god Come on

Plus if I kick my heels as I go And I'm like Fine And he's like What if you're going to take that fucking long Jackson Is he like Quicksilver in the films Quicksilver Where he can grab you and run with you

Because if so, he's taking you on crimes Oh, that's true. We're going patrolling. Jackson, help on. But also, you can go around the world really quickly. That's true. Plane fare's gone. That's it.

Free travel everywhere. If the Flash can take someone with him. I'm going to Google it. I'm going to Google it. I think it's we get to pick. I think he can. I'm surely, surely. He's been able to carry people.

We're not dealing with physics here. Is Quicksilver, again, my speech and knowledge is Quicksilver. And even then it's more comic book Quicksilver. More so than, you know, more about Quicksilver and The Flash. I feel like this is a whole. I'm a Marvel fanboy. So, like, there's a really good issue of x factor where quicksilver's talking to the therapist and he's like fuck i hate people

because like you know how long i have to stand in line for for me like you're standing for a line so you're in there for a line whatever for me that's like a century i'm waiting around for you fucks it's so frustrating is that the flash as well you know what that sounds like as well, though? It sounds like he'd be keen to get you that glass of water because he'd keep him busy. If that's the same for Flash, you have a friendly guy who is totally up for taking you all around the planet whenever you want.

Sounds like a great mentor. He wants to help because he's bored. He's got nothing. How bored is he all the time? I'm protected by the speed force aura if he decides to carry me. Also, apparently when the Flash catches someone, like at speed, he stops but fast catches them and then speeds up again. Okay.

So that they don't get licked or fired. Can't they just get into the speed aura? You would imagine. I thought that would be a much easier way to describe this. So I hop on the, but if I hop on the Flash's back, like a piggyback ride, and he flashes me through a burning building, what is my role? Like, you know, like kind of almost. Bring along the moral support.

Moral support, learning on the job. Moral support's great. Like, you're doing fucking great. You're amazing. You're fucking amazing. You know how red you are? You are a good red. You're beautiful.

You're powerful, powerful man. Electricity. red you are? Fuck you are You're beautiful You're beautiful You're powerful Powerful man Electricity Oh look at this Oh my god I like it just dropping me off Being like

That really helped Jack Yeah Thank you very much for that That really noted that You know It's nice to have that in my ear Is the speed force Gonna be like

Radiation poisoning After a while As in like You're gonna be around The speed force So long That it's gonna be like He's one of us Yeah And then you're gonna get speed force like you're going to be around the speed force so long that it's going to be like, here's one of us yeah, and then you're going to get speed force

then you're going to have superpowers I feel like you're going to get super I like to think I just get speed force to one part of my body I can make my hair to go really quick throwing out the rest of your violence some serious whiplash it's not sounding too bad to be honest because you might end up

getting powers. It's a big one. Either the speed force, because you are now intrinsically attached yourself to the Flash, it might just be like, oh, well, I guess we're going to give some to this little dumpy fuck. I'll get him into shape. You're going to get into shape, Jackson. Not necessarily.

He's a bit of a joker as well. He's goofy, the Flash. I don't think I'd get in shape though i think if i got powers i'd remain this current like yeah i just don't think that's how the speed i feel like is that one of the perks of superhero powers generally you seem to get ripped without requiring any gym exercise whatsoever because you're spending a lot of time but see that's stupid because like superman is only powerful because he's kryptonian, yeah? Yeah. So if you were a fat Kryptonian, you'd still have Superman's powers on Earth. You'd just be fat.

Yes. Yes. Yeah, so it's not necessarily. Also, how is Superman ripped? Because is he really actually doing a lot? You know what I mean? He seems to strain his face when he does something. Because for him, lifting up a car is like us taking the groceries in. Yeah.

I can be chunky and do that. Yeah. I am chunky and do that. Spoiler. I don't know. Because for him, doing a workout seems to be like he'd have to go hard. Yeah. Or else he'd just be kind of dumpy.

Yeah. He'd go really hard. Well, he was a farm boy, you know? Yeah, true. He was a farm boy. He was digging holes or whatever people do on farms. Running around. And he goes, maybe flight requires a lot of core strength. He was digging holes or whatever People do on fire Maybe flight

Requires a lot of core strength Isn't that a big jump he does? Used to be That would require To push yourself up like that What are the 40s thinking? We need this man to get from one place to the other What can he do? Jump really far

That's it, no one thought about flying No one No one will other. What can he do? Jump really far. Cool, that's it. No one thought about flying. Not one. They're like, no one will believe that. I suggest he flies. Flies? Is he a bird? That's ridiculous.

He's not a bird. He's not a plane. He's Superman. He jumps real far. Tell me this, Jenkins. Can you fly? No. Exactly.

Can you jump? Exactly. He's like a man, but super. No man can fly, but man can jump. All right, I guess. Explain heat vision. You can stare at someone.

Have you ever felt someone stare burning to the back of your head? That's exactly what we're talking about. I feel like you're just angry at me. I don't know why you're always yelling. You should feel staring into the back of your head. God damn it. I don't know. It was my wife.

You're talking weird. I feel like you've got a lot of problems you need to solve. What damn it. I don't know. It was my wife. You're talking weird. I feel like you've got a lot of problems you need to solve. What is it, Bob Siegel or whatever? Yeah, Bob Siegel, Joe Schuster? Yeah, that's... Bob, you just... Alice. Calm down, calm down.

What about freeze breath? You know when you're cold, you're... Such as a mint, perhaps, and you breathe and it's cold in your mouth? It happens. What about the fact that he's super strong get out of my office leave that pin see

the matter of that pin was really heavy now fly I made Batman I mean I made Superman it's just crazy he's just insane did they take it away from him as well maybe we've found out why.

Yeah, I think that's why. He shouldn't be trusted. So you think that me getting the Flash as being the Flash's ward is actually pretty good because eventually I just become a speedster myself. I think you become a speedster. Also, as you're saying, go get like, you know, I want a cup of milk. You can just do it. You and I want to go traveling.

Done. If I became a speedster, I'd call myself Dog Cock Jones. Yeah. People would be like, what's that got to do with your powers? I'd be like, absolutely not. What does that have to do with anything? I'm not reporting on this. It's me, Dog Cock Jones.

And then I'd run as hard as I could at like the support structure of a building and it would collapse and I'd be like, fires out. And then I'd speed off and I'd be like, fires out, and then I'd speed off, and I'd be unstoppable. You were painting it. I'm trying to find the negatives of this. You've become a villain, Jack. I know, he's corrupted so quickly. Dog cock Jones.

Dog cock Jones. The Flash is like, Jackson, I gotta let you know, it's happened, you've got the speed force. Sick. I'm calling myself Dog Cock Jones. Bye. That building just collapsed. Ah, I've made a village.

Is he collapsing buildings with his head as he goes? He could have gone around it so easily. It would have taken so little time. But I can go through things now. I'm going back in time. I'm killing everyone. Damn it, Jackson. All again. Damn it, Jackson. Well, again, sounds like

a lot of... Damn it, Dogcock. Come back here. Dogcock! Dogcock! Again, all these positives. Yeah, look, becoming Dogcock Jones has become my new goal. That's pretty good.

You can leave whenever you want, evidently. Yeah, absolutely. You're not going to get family guilt with Batman. No, I'm not in some kind of weird Batman contract. I can just go. And you get to hang out in the Justice League base, I guess. Yeah, absolutely. What's the downside?

Does he have any villains that would be after you? Gorilla Grodd. He'd hang out with a talking gorilla. Yeah, but like a gorilla. He'd be dismembering you more than ripping you apart. He's a gorilla Star City? Huh? That's the city Yeah yeah Star City That's not where Gorilla Grodd Gorilla Grodd lives in Gorilla Yes but Flash lives in Star City Yeah

That's great I get Gotham Yeah that sucks Yeah it's grim City wise Star City's the place to be Star City It's got a lot

It's got a lot going for it Yeah yeah yeah It's very like I don't know What is the trade Because Gotham's obviously Renowned for it's grim Depressing

Constant terrorism And stuff It's not too bad Star City sounds like Just a happy yeah it's fine new york like in chicago it's like sometimes they get like you know like the flashes villains are like captain boomerang killer cold mr cold cold dude whatever his name is cold lad he's like budget dr freeze um captain boomerang you're you could relate i'm like hey Australia. He's like, I robbed every bank in this country. I'd be like, that's silly. All of them?

Some are like next door to each other. You physically couldn't have done that, Captain Boomerang. They don't carry that much cash anymore. There's just not that many Australians in DC to call your shit, but I'm going to do it. Did you ruin our economy? Seems like you might have. And then I hit him and go, dog cock Jones.

My speed's still pissed. I can't believe your catchphrase is your name. Dog cock, and he's like, what? And then I punch him Jones! Is your name Jones anything? No, sir! And then I destroy the foundations of a building. But I can get out of there in time, but he can't. What about you, George? Okay, so I've given this some thought, because there's a clear cut.

I feel like there will be some sucky ones, like Mogo, whatever his name is, the planet. Ego living planet? Ego living planet will be a tough one, because you've got to not chat too much. But I thought about that at the top, but I think I'm going to have to go with, bear with me here, Cyclops. Oh, okay.

Oh, I'm intrigued. Okay, why? Why are you working? Because you guys, Flash, Batman, unique standalone heroes, you've got your own thing going on. You're the ward to Cyclops. You are the second fiddle of a third fiddle, my friend. Yeah, I've got a soft spot for Psy I love me some Scott Summers

Yeah, yeah, but why do you have a soft spot for him? Because he needs a soft spot, doesn't he? He's a little soft, isn't he? What is even your job as the second fruit Cyclops That is not taken care of by another X-Man? He's got students to take care of most things. Like at least you're unappreciated. A ward of say Wolverine, you get

to go on sweet adventures. Cyclops, you just gotta listen to him mope around while he tries to become a mutant terrorist. It's my point. I feel like a lot of being Cyclops' ward is him delegating boring jobs to you. To be like, hey, I need all the X-Men to be here by 6.30am. Can you tell them? And you're all the x-men to be here by 6 30 a.m can

you tell them and you're like i guess i've got i've asked like i got an email i guess i don't know you'd be following around with like a palm pilot yeah you need done yep okay cool uh the bike needs refueling yeah i guess i can do and like you're not engaging in combat because again he's got the way too many people available yes you're getting none of the fun and if you and like and he's also weirdly if you're his ward, he's going to be protective of you. And checking on you to see what you're doing. And he'd be powerful enough to stop anything.

You're not seeing any combat. However. However. Okay, so I love the fact that you know so much more about Scott Summers than I do. He might be very neglectful of you. And if you get sick, You might fuck off to the future What?

Okay You might fuck off to the future Not him Okay let's hear this So Cyclops Had A child with Madeline Pryor Who is a genetic clone of Jean Grey

And that baby is called nathan summers who's otherwise known as cable okay yeah so then when when nathaniel summers was a baby it got something called the uh techno-organic virus which was i think implanted on him either by kind of in strife because that's kind of him no it would have been apocalypse or mr sinister i forget which one either way he got something called called technorganic virus. So Cyclops' solution was to be like, well, fuck him off into the future. And he did. Ah.

Okay. But how? So Mother Ascani, which I want to say is Rachel Summers, who is also Cyclops and Jean Grey's daughter. Yep. So half-brother of Cable, who is Nathan Summers. Yep. So she comes and she's like well you know

he's gonna die here so let's just take him and we'll look after him in the future although then Cyclops and Jean Grey kind of teleport or like astral project into the future as Red and Slim and then raise

Nathan anyway see you're gonna have to deal with that garbage. This is sounding worse and worse. How sordid is this family? It's sounding bad. This isn't like the Batman family. This is me half remembering. I could get some facts right or wrong here.

And imagine that you have to organize this on your bomb pilot. You're going to be like, yeah, we're going to go into the future tomorrow. And you're like, ah, fuck. Okay, I guess. Okay, I don't know what the logistics are. And you go to the ward. You're going to get targeted by Mr. Sinister or like a secret, like, I guess, uncle. You never knew you had.

And then you're going to find out you're like the half brother of yourself. Probably, I don't know. Exactly. You are your own father. I don't know. Somebody like you'll have like one of your folders in your palm pilot is like me's from the future am i a clone question mark question mark question maybe maybe i don't know you turns out you're your own half sister and you're like well yeah yep good you're not even a human you're just a piece of matter that thinks it's human like that's potentially

like that that's something that could happen. That's a kind of terrible, terrible life you lead. The plus side being that you get to hear him whinge all the time about being third fiddle and how unimportant he is. He might complain about how Wolverine kept stealing his wife. Imagine you're in there like...

You pick it up and you just see... Every time you pick up the phone. There's a moment where he gets possessed by Cyclops No Apocalypse He gets possessed by Apocalypse He becomes like this weird hybrid He eventually leaves and that gets sorted But then like weirdly

After that he's celibate for some reason But then he instantly cheats on Jean Grey with Emma Frost But only in his mind until of of course, Jean discovers this. In his mind? They have like a psychic affair. As you do. But it's weird.

But he gets Emma Frost to kind of dress up like Jean Grey. In real life? No, no, in his mind. In his mind still? It's real strange. That's a fucking mess. And when that all finds out, he just like fucks off to the Hellfire Club and just starts drinking.

It's real good. So it's kind of sad. So the only time he gets drunk is when he's a morose, miserable drunk. I just have this image of him as a piano and him singing about it. You and your tiny little office like typing up tomorrow's plans and Cyclops comes in with a tennis ball and it's just like poof, poof, poof, poof, like throwing it against the door and you've got to be like, shut your laptop and be like, what's the problem?

I feel like you might want to go to Alex, his brother, and just be like, can I just be your ward? You seem like you're having fun. Yeah, he seems like a cool guy in comparison, doesn't he? Yeah, look, it sounds like a very sad job. Whereas mine and Zamit's

were not fun necessarily, but yours is boring You're in a school with a bunch of snot-nosed little punks It gets worse, George It gets worse Because Cyclops is dead at the moment You're like, yes, I'm free He goes back to the past

He grabs the original five X-Men, including Scott Summers When they were teenagers free. He goes back to the past, grabs the original five X-Men, including Scott Summers, when they were teenagers, and brings them to the present, or their future. So now you've got two arsehole Scott Summers to deal with. One is very much younger than you, and you know he's going to, like, older Scott Summers is going to put you in charge of younger

Scott Summers. And then when Scott Summers' elder dies, you've got to deal with young Scott Summers. And how whiny is going to put you in charge of younger Scott Summers. And then when Scott Summers' elder dies, you've got to deal with young Scott Summers. And how whiny is going to be teenage Scott Summers? He's so whiny! Plus, you know, we were talking about Zalman having to leave Batman. I feel like you're not allowed to

leave the X-Mansion because it's a secret. You're stuck there. Do they kill you? You might be implemented as a terrorist. Oh, that's true. What? That's another thing that can happen? Well, Scott Summers, before he died, was a mutant terrorist.

He kind of went the Magneto route for a bit. Even if he's not a terrorist, the media portrays mutants. Mutants, yeah. Everyone's going to think you're a mutant. So you are not going to be able to travel anywhere. Not at all. Well, you get the X-Jet, which is're a mutant because you are not going to be able to travel anywhere. Not at all. You get the X-Jet, which is alright. But I'm not going to be able to use that. I'm way too

junior to be of any involvement. But Wolverine might like to get out, you know, maybe like to make a jab at Psyche. He might be like, hey, come on, bub. Let's go for a ride. Are you getting the hang of Wolverine? But can I though? Because otherwise it will be a case where I'm not allowed to

even though I want to constantly. You might do it once, and then you get in trouble. And then I get in trouble. It's even worse. Oh, no, the stern talking to. Did you have fun with Wolverine last night? Was that a good time? Was that a good use of your time, going out drinking with Wolverine?

Passive-aggressive Cyclops. Did you finish all your notes? I don't think so. I was thirsty, and no one was around to give me a drink It would be phrased like I've noticed that the danger room has been double booked Hey George It's fine that you hung out with Wolverine

That's what you're getting What? It's okay that you did I don't mind It's fine But you do Scott you do No I'm fine

Honestly it's fine Look I'm not Do I care? No It's fine It's fine So now Anyways I'm glad you're back Because I've written this love letter to Jean Grant I need you it's fine. Do I care? It's fine. It's fine. And now anyways, I'm glad you're back because I've written this love letter

to Jean Graham. I need you to hear it out. Oh, Jean Graham. When you're not around, my heart is grey. Yes, that's right. I run grey with Graham. Alright. Alright, Josh. If he weren't here, I wouldn't have done this. This was your fault.

Scott, I don't mean to interject, but isn't Jean dead? Or is she back again? It's real hard to keep track. Not in my mind. Which one? I don't know what's happening. Do you need me to patch things up with Emma?

I don't know. You are a bad boyfriend, Scott. You are a bad boyfriend. Of the three we've given that's clearly the worst By a country mile We haven't found anything good yet But I think there's a lot Because there's so many

When we were trying to come up with these We just were like rapid fire Black Bolt If he says anything in the world The leader of the Inhumans He can't talk to you If he says anything in the world. Yes. The leader of the Inhumans. He can't talk to you. If he says anything, he just destroys things. Like, I don't know why he doesn't

carry, like, you know, like a placard around his neck with, like, a whiteboard and, like, just... He should, but he doesn't, the arsehole. He should be like fucking Pluto in the old Disney cartoons where he rides on a board and holds it up. Wait, wait, wait. This guy's power is death by talking? Yeah, his power is if he talks or whispers,

it's like energy, kinetic energy. It's like if he makes like a... It destroys like a city block. Oh, right. Yeah, it's intense. So why is he talking then? He doesn't. He frankly shouldn't.

He doesn't talk unless he really has to and then like fucks shit up, but he doesn't talk. Yeah. He doesn't even write shit down. You're not going to know what he was. You're not going to know what he was. You'd be like, Black Bolt.

His name's like Blackagon Boltagon as well. Stupid name! It seems very tangentially related to Scott Summers' internship that I'm stuck in. Blackagon, what do you want me to do? Don't mime it, write it down! Here's a fucking pen,

yeah? Yeah, write, don't you? I'm going to your brother. Your brother knows what's up. This is the kind of people that I'm dealing with daily in this job. The Hulk. Because I'm no scientist and I also don't know how to catch a Hulk. But you're like, but Rick Jones. And Rick Jones is just a guy.

Rick Jones? Love Rick Jones. Rick Jones, all right. No, but like imagine, oh, fuck, you're hanging out with Bruce Banner. But you get to slap him when you need to get him angry. Yeah. That is good. For Bruce Banner to turn around and be like,

Jackson, piss me off. And I'm like, slap, slap, slap, slap on his cheeks. Finger in his mouth. Stick him in the penis. Come on, man. You angry? Get angry. His nose.

Stick my fingers up his nose and just move his head around like that. You angry yet? Wait, no, because then he's like, Hulk smash and just squishes my brain. You have to shoot him in the head and then he lives. That's true. Yeah, that's the best way to get him. Not fingers in mouth, just shoot him in the brain. Fingers in the mouth is just so annoying.

Just give him a wet willy. But I just imagine Hulk running away and I have to collect all his clothes for when he becomes. I'm the guy buying him new t-shirts Oh yeah You know It's just not worth it You get told that story Just keep coming in

They're like Do you work for the Hulk? No But I need it about like Oh fuck Look I don't work for the Hulk But give me like Hulk size clothes

Why doesn't Bruce Manor Just wear Hulk size clothes At all times? Because Imagine having to walk around with that. Are you an idiot? Of everything that's been said today, it's the most absurd.

What? It's like, you know, flexible. Like, flexible clothes. Very flexible. Like, I don't know. It's so flexible. It turns into a fishnet. All right.

You may think I'm being a dickhead here but Reed Richards has made a fucking costume well most of the costumes are fantastic for and I think some of the X-Men are made from unstable molecules that's a fact and that can adjust to Mr. Fantastic so maybe it's Reed Richards fault

Reed Richards should be like Bruce Banner should go to Reed Richards and be like can I please borrow some or is he just too proud? I think he's too proud. I think he's ashamed of the Hulk. He's a scientist as well. He's like, I should be able to do this.

Why am I asking the smartest? I thought I was the smartest man. I really like to imagine Reed Richards being like, yeah, I'll give you one. And he gives him like a clown suit. He's like, there you go. Enjoy. It looks normal. When he stretches out, he says, I'm with stupid.

Big old dickhead. God damn. Pointed upwards. Just kick me on the back. Yeah, if he can't see it, he stretches out. Everyone comes up. Why you kick Hulk? Why you kick Hulk?

Please no. Hulk's sad. This is a good Hulk that doesn't retaliate with violence. He's just upset. He just goes. Please no. Hulk got feeling too! How you feel

if Hulk come kick you in back? Dead. Hulk, I feel dead. Aquaman. I can't breathe underwater. I can't really breathe underwater or swim that well. Does he not supply things that help you breathe underwater? No, I don't think so.

Every time any of the Justice League go down underwater to deal with Atlantean shit, they're always using their own, like Batman will have like a Batman rebreather. Wonder Woman will have done some magic on her head so that she can swim underwater. Or Namor, who is like Aquaman, but more of an arsehole. And he definitely wouldn't.

True. So you can just kick back. I guess. If you need me, I'll be your man on the ground. Or he'd just be like So you can just kick back. I guess. If you need me, I'll be your man on the ground. Or he'd just be like, you're coming with me. Grab you. You're in Atlantis. They might have like a little bubble of air.

You're like, well, I'm just stuck here, you fuck. What do you need? You. This is just cruel, if anything. Yeah, I'm being kidnapped, basically. I'm underwater and kidnapped. Deadpool, because I get sick of him, and also the adventures we'd go on would be fucking stupid.

Oh, yeah. He'd be like, Jackson, a chimichanga. I'm going to eat your horse. I'd be like, I hate every second of this Deadpool. I miss when I was Dogcock Jones. And he'd be like, we're going to kill the Marvel Universe. And I'd be like, this seems like a waste of our time, but okay. I couldn't stand that. Galactus. Too big. Because like, the ward

of Galactus is basically you become the herald of Galactus, which means you're then going to have to go from planet to planet to find out which one's going to be yummy and delicious for him to eat. Does that mean you get a silver surfboard? You do get a silver surfboard, which is an upswing. However, you are condemning millions to death. Billions to death. Billions, yeah. What about if I become the ward of the silver surfer?

Do I get a boogie board? Is that how that operates? A kickboard. Oh, fuck, a tricycle, though. Tricycling through space. That's what I mean. Silver surf is coming. Silver surf is coming. Silver surf is coming.

Yeah, because boogie board is still kind of cool. You can be like holding on to that. No, no, no. I had to be clearly inferior. It's a razor scooter. Yeah. What am I kicking off from? None of this makes sense.

Calm down. Look, a guy's coming. He's going to be like, another guy's coming to eat. I bet you're getting a lot of warning to be eaten. All right. So look, at the end of the day, results are the same. Sort yourself out. I guess it's not on me for you guys getting eaten,

but I feel guilty. Especially as the Herald of Silverstone, you've got no powers to help out. They're like not really listening and they're just like, are you on a scooter? How would you tell a planet you just landed on? Who do you know to? Who do you go to

Who's going to bring you with no powers Like citizens Hey who are you You're going to get eaten How would you 50 of those outside the door right now Central Melbourne They're aliens

So you don't know You might land and be the first thing Look this Unless you look like a deer Not knowing you're talking to like their equivalent of a cow yeah fuck it is really land you're like this this this so be prepared and you fuck off and it's some farmer comes out the fuck was that you were right and that thing is just like it is going to imagine like on a like like like on a ufo or something and they're like why are the humans

not prepared for us you told them didn't you and it's just like looking at a vid screen that's got like a cow and a human. And they're like, ah, yeah, yeah. Just sweep it away. I let them know. I told heaps of guys. I don't even understand. Why are you so confused? I don't know.

What if I just told everything that I could find? It's just him just saying it to lampposts and bushes. If you don't know, you're like in a car. Car. Guess what, buddy? You're going to get eaten by the Galactus. You're not going to say anything? That's fine.

That's fine. And then someone gets out. You're like, ah, he's a Brainsley. Oh, my God. Push him back in. Kill him. Kill him. Ew.

Ew. There's a lot of problems with being a Silver Surfer. Or a Silver Surfer's Silver Surfer. Silver Surfer's Silver Surfer, yeah. Yeah. That would kind of suck It kind of seems like there's actually no one that's good to ward for I still reckon Green Lantern would be the best thing to ward for

But you don't get a Green Lantern That's not how it works It's a finite number of rings You might get a ring Or you might get like a pinky ring I imagine what he'll do is he'll be like Toe ring Yeah, a little toe ring

He puts on you for some weird reason It's probably real weird, Hal What is it? Real weird It's probably real weird, Hal Real weird It's getting strange, Hal But I think it'd be more like He's like, yeah, you're my ward for when I'm on Earth You're like, yeah, cool And he's like, you know, if you bring it up

You're like, hey, do you reckon you could get me a ring? He's like, look, I'll put you on a waiting list If somebody dies, I'll bring the ring down We'll see if you're pure of heart If you aren't, well, not much I can do Probably not I've got to be honest, Hal I don't know if I'm going to be passing that particular test.

Don't. I think I'm just, you know what? What's Sinestra up to? Maybe I'll join his call. Yeah, bring us all the rings and we'll see which one works for us. How about that? Work my way through. Hey, lucky.

Black. Mine. Mine. I'm thinking like even Spider-Man. Because then you're like, you're the ward of a 15 year old yeah oh no he's just got a whole

bunch of other issues attached to it legally I was like who's this 30 year old man hanging around the house all the time I'm his

I'm his ward like he technically owns me is that how it works I think that's how it works Spider-Man's training me to be a better Spider-Man that's slavery

that's real weird yeah I do his laundry I guess yeah it's That's real weird. I do his laundry, I guess. Yeah, it's an odd one. May is like, I do his laundry. I'm his guardian. We don't actually have enough room in this two-bedroom apartment for you. I'll sleep on the couch.

It's the new Aunt May. It's not so bad, I've got to say. She seems nice enough. She seems like a nice lady. Progressive lady. Yeah, look. I think in that movie, Spider-Man had a bunk bed. Hey, laugh at it. He did like a nice lady. Progressive lady. I think in that movie, Spider-Man had a bunk bed. He did have a bunk bed.

So look, bunking with a 15-year-old. Ready for it. Hard places bring girls back. What do you do for a living? I'm a ward. Ward of Spider-Man. I guess what you do in there is making sure his backpack isn't stolen and... That's great. You know when he grabs up his backpack

so that nobody, he can go off in Spider-Man you just gotta chill there on your phone Sitting there on the iPhone Someone's like, what's this? You're like, Spider-Man's bag Getting his sandwiches? Yeah! That'd be great. Actually I don't mind Spider-Man being Spider-Man and it'd be pretty chill And he's 15 so he doesn't know to like

really abuse me. So like, it'd be alright He comes, Iron Man I just realised, that would clearly be the best one to award for He's got, so he doesn't know to really abuse me. Yeah, yeah. So it'd be all right. Iron Man. I just realized. That would clearly be the best one to ward for. He's got suits for days. He doesn't share his suits. He doesn't share. But if you're his ward, you might.

Iron Ward. That's all right. The name's already there. Yeah. Plus, when he's not doing shit, you're just kicking it in his sick mansion, drinking fucking martinis or whatever. In terms of spare time, definitely most fun, right? Oh, yeah fun oh yeah yeah yeah because spare time is like you know iron man's gonna be like well i gotta go to geneva for two weeks but feel free to hang around in the mansion

to make sure nothing goes wrong here you might be coming with him like you might be going with him though he'd be right he's what in his in his stripper plane yeah exactly and then a limousine and then like a fancy fucking five- star hotel He'd be It's great I guess he'd be grooming up To be the next Like um Either Iron Man or Leader of Stark Industries

So And I'm happy with either Both are great Yeah A lot of logistics involved Leader of Stark Industries Well look I'm no CEO You know I don't know

What's involved in that Well you don't know now But after Stark trains you Like on the job training That's pretty good Like compare Stark On the job training To Batman on the job training Batman on the job training, that's pretty good. Like compare Stark on-the-job training to Batman on-the-job training. Batman on-the-job training is,

he's like, this is how to break a man's jaw. Stark's like, here's how to properly balance of shells open. Here's how you mourn your parents. You put on this suit and fight crime. Never, ever, ever, ever accept it.

What? Tony Stark's like, here's how to balance your books while you're completely hammered. All right, step one. completely hammered. All right. Step one. Practical training. Drink up.

Yeah, drink up. He's like, wear this suit. Batman's just going to surprise, punch you in the stomach and be like, gotta accept everything. Exactly. And you're like, this is how Houdini went. Every time you open a cupboard, you're terrified it's going to be Batman in there pushing you in the face

being like, you're not ready enough. You're like, how can I have a baby? Please let me go home. Always vigilant. Always vigilant. Duck's back in the cupboard and you're like, I don't know if he's gone. Crime is everywhere. How long have you been waiting here?

I don't want to reopen the cupboard and find you gone. Oh, we're still there. But I need some Cheerios, so I'm just gonna open it. It's gone! Where'd it go? Where'd it go? Looking at Alfred now for just like averting your gaze and walking up in the dark. Alfred! Alfred, help me

escape! I think, this might be wrong, but in Batman, to get to the Batcave from his mansion, you have to put the clock to the time of his parents' death, yeah? It's like there's a door behind a grandfather clock. I wouldn't be surprised if that was one of his things. Please stop.

He's an emotional guy. It's messed up. Oh, my fucking God. A lot of people have lost parents, Batman. You know what's good, Batman? Fucking therapy, you know? Yeah good batman feel with therapy you know yeah see a therapist to sort yourself out yeah not this episode but a good batman villain is just a therapist yeah it was just like it's too effective you know i'm gonna fucking help you

with your problems batman because you're you're in trouble son oh just like a psychoanalyst or something just to come in there and be like you're fucked i feel like i've seen heaps of images and you're fucked, mate. I feel like I've seen heaps of images in Batman. This is such a tangent, but I feel like I've seen heaps of images in like Batman comics and media where Batman, in full Batman regalia, leaves like roses in Crime Alley where his parents died. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's something that happens. Like, what are you doing, man?

Like, I know, you know who famously died in Crime Alley? Oh, Mama and Papa Wayne. It's weird that we see Batman sometimes leaving roses there. Maybe he just loved the Waynes. Yeah. They're an alright bunch. That's very weird. That's very weird. As long as you get

seen doing it. I guess he's good at being, like, moving unseen. But still. Yeah, I guess being a ward of most superheroes this is gonna be our sake. It doesn't sound fun, except Iron Man, which sounds alright. Except Iron Man, which sounds alright. Cyclops, it just sounds like a fucking nightmare.

Cyclops hands down the words. It's not a nightmare because you might get killed. No. Not a nightmare because of all the bullshit. You'd be a sweet release if you got killed. Yeah, frankly. It's just like chores and trouble. Arsehake. Arsehake city. It's just drama It's just a soap opera It's just trouble It's just trouble It's just trouble Arsehake Arsehake City It's just drama

Drama central That's what it is Just keeping track of that family tree Oh my god I like that it's just like Strife is a clone of Nathaniel Summers From the future that travelled back in time And he wears basically like a silver helmet

With daggers on it It's real stupid. Fucking hell. Who even made that helmet? God. Are you doing crafts? And on that note, I've been Jackson Bailey. I've been George DeMorillos.

I've been Joel Zamet. Thanks for whatever. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspants Radio, or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsAreDead.

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and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now but not forever kisses