Plumbing the Death Star - Which Teen Movie Could You Insert Yourself Into Seamlessly

Episode Date: February 2, 2020

Grab your tickets to our joint live show with Planet Broadcasting to raise money for Wildlife Victoria here.Support the A Boxer kickstarter here.Donate to Wildlife Victoria here.Sign up to our newsletter here. Join our facebook group here. Watch us stream here.You can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073.Want to help support the show?Sanspants+ | Podkeep | USB Tapes | MerchWant to get in contact with us?Email | Twitter | Website | Facebook | RedditOr individually at;Jackson | Duscher | ZammitTheme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website or check out his YouTube channel. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sants Pants Radio, Australia's most family-friendly podcast network. Hey gang, in case you don't know, Australia's on fire. And it's only now just hit the start of our fire season. Already, close to 20 million hectares have been burnt or are currently on fire, 34 people have died and we've lost half a billion animals to the point where koalas are functionally extinct. So, to help raise funds for Wildlife Victoria, we're teaming up with our mates from Planet Broadcasting this February 20th to bring you a live Plumbing the Death Star, followed by

a Sandspans Radio v Planet Broadcasting showdown hosted by Do Go On's Dave Warnicke and our very own Jackson B. Bailey to decide which network is the greatest mate once and for all. At Trivia. Details are in the show notes or head to our website, sanspantsradio.com slash live. Now tickets are limited, so get in quick. Once again, all proceeds are going to Wildlife Victoria, and for all you international or interstate dickheads that can't make it,

you can still show your support by going to wildlifevictoria.org.au and giving directly, or you can head to our merch store over at streamlabs.com slash sanspantsradio slash merch and grab a fundraiser tee, where once again, all proceeds are going to Wildlife Victoria. going to wildlife victoria hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask important questions like which teen movie could you insert yourself into seamlessly Well, okay, so... I forgot about the seamlessly. But I'm going to say the Breakfast Club. Not a seam there. Not a seam to be seen. Question, are we as we are today or are we de-aged?

You as you are now, in all your glory. Late 20s, early 30s glory. Can we shave you? Because I reckon if we shaved you, you could pass for a breakfast club team. Shave your head. Keep the beard. I was imagining that I'm just also in the library at the same time as the kids are given detention. It's a school library.

It's a school library on a Saturday. I broke in to try and get some damn education. How about I learn to think of once in my fucking life? You've been held back many years. It's so great to imagine walking past a library and being like, God damn it, how about I learn something for fucking once and smashing a window? So as the teens are like, we're figuring out who we are.

I'm in the background rapidly trying to learn. Several books open in front of me. Who's that kid? Who's that kid? He looks like an adult. He looks like a grown man. Also, this window is smashed. Should we call the cops?

The first book you're reading is How to Cure Wounds from Smashed Window Glass Cuts. I hold up my hand to the teens who just bleed profusely. I just punched it. Why did I do that? I came here to learn, not to die. I don't know what I was going to learn, but it wasn't first aid, but I guess that's good too.

Hello, I'm Jackson. Are you learning about yourselves and others? I'm bleeding. You, jock, you must know first aid. Whatever, brain, hey, help this sucker out. I'm bleeding. You, jock, you must know first aid. Whatever, brain, hey, help this sucker out. I'm bleeding. Oh, I can see. You're all the archetypes.

A piece of shit. Some kind of wiener kid. A piece of shit. Another piece of shit. There's a piece of shit. A whole bunch of pieces of shit interrupting my learning experience. And I guess they go get the teacher. And they're like, a possibly homeless man has broken in.

I've got a home. I just hate it. It's so wet. I'll have to shower running one day. I found out that I could flip my shower head so it aimed at the roof. But then I couldn't figure out how to turn it back. So what I've been doing is just making my roof damp and when the droplets drop

back down, using that to wash but it's made the wood as you can imagine, quite rotten. My ass stinks! There's a lot arising damp. Stop yelling. Moss! I think a moss is growing. I don't know if that's possible

and I saw on a David Attenborough doco that deer eat moss. So you can imagine I'm quite worried. Can I eat it? I don't know, but I'll tell you what, it consumes me. Please, sir. I've opened up my door. I'm trying to get deers in. Yes.

Have I seen the last thing you said? As seamless as it gets You're watching a very different movie You're watching almost a horror film You see us as you want Five? Is it five teens? Yeah, five teens You see us as you want to see us

A brain, a jock, a basket case Banda, the popular girl Princess Yeah, so five teens have to deal with their new homeless It's almost like The new homeless best friend The Kingfisher one with Robin Williams That one

Deal with a maniac A magic hobo I'm not magic I'm just bleeding If you want to help, why don't you get a book about deer Why don't you get a book about moss and if I can eat it? And what if you bandage my hand? That would tell me a story.

The brain's going to research deer. The princess or the basket. Now the basket case is probably wrapping up your wounds. It's nice that the teens have come to my rescue. That's good. They're all very scared. Basket case is probably making a comment about how cool blood is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Absolutely. I like blood. And then Bend is coming in and being like, man, society, man. And I'm like, shut up. You don't know nothing about society. My house was built on a swamp. I knew that when I bought it, obviously. I thought if I could drain the swamp using the shower.

Okay. Imagine my disbelief when I find out that my plumbing, in fact, connects to the water reserve and not the wet swampage around me. I went underneath my house and I tried to get the pipe out and connect it, but I, Bender, am no plumber, all right? And so now every time I turn on my bath,

it fills with swamp water and frogs. I can't sleep because of all the croaking. Bender, this is society. This is what it looks like. Please stop yelling. For the love of God. You can imagine why I hate my house. And why I've broken into this library.

I'm here to learn about plumbing. You, find me a book on plumbing. That's something else I was here to do. That's right. Get a goddamn education for once. Some suggest the mould has in fact infected my ears. It's on everything I eat and touch So that makes a lot of sense

I'm sick, I'm very unwell Every time I cough there's spores Am I a carrier? I don't know This library's probably infested as we speak Someone look that up too It's good to imagine the principal opening the door, looking in, closing the door. Next time I'm...

Oh no, no, none of that. Having a conversation with the janitor, but instead of having a conversation about the kids, he's just like, I might have to call the police. What do we do here? I'm not really trained for situations. I'm just going to wait and see how this plays out.

Before I call the police. This is me in there yelling about a truly insane living situation. We believe a man has taken five youths hostage. My bed, wet. My bathroom, wet. My food, wet. My cupboard's full of snakes. I've got to assume that's because it's so nice and cool in there

that they go there to get out of the heat. Although someone told me once that snakes like heat, so I can't explain it. All I know is that it is definitely full of snakes, many of them venomous. And that's the list. Snakes, go on. Yeah, somebody get on snakes.

I've got to fix my house. Do I need to make it hotter or colder? I don't know. Snakes, go on. Yeah, somebody get on snakes. I've got to fix my house. Do I need to make it hotter or colder? Why will the snakes hate more? I put the snakes on the hot plate that I use to cook my beans and it just got angry. That's how I got this bite. My other hand is swollen and infected. It's throbbing.

Do you have any suggestions, teens? This is now less about teens. Maybe they come together to find out a lot about themselves by also helping a crazy homeless man. You see us as you want to see us, but aside from that, what was that about? Who was that man? Why did the principal not call the police yes

rather than five youths coming together to work out the differences five youths come together to help i mean they they can't not interact with me i think oh yeah you are now the at least it's hard to say all i know is that there are police presumably amassing outside the school with intent to come inside and eventually stop this. Will I be satisfied by any information I learn? Not at all. I think that this movie ends with you being shot in the head. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's kind of like, so it looks like snakes really do like heat, but they are... Well, what? How hot is hot? Because like I said, I put one on the hot plate where I cook my beans, and it bit me in this hand. It feels tingly and cold. They're like maybe 30 degrees.

I've tried to lance it, but I don't think it's full of anything. I don't know what's going on. I just poke holes in it. They go into cold to hibernate. What? Someone look up hibernating. Bedtime for snakes. Sir, this one says a little bit about

bears. Okay, that's a problem I gotta deal with too, I guess. Bear will eat the deer that have come from my shower moths. That makes sense. Good work. Finally Finally some fucking answers God damn I gotta lie down I've lost so much blood

Finally I'm getting an education Absolutely Wake me up when my house is alright Wake me up when my hands better You might die of snake bite I like the idea of you just dying And then don't you? It was on my face.

Just my still, tongue slightly agape face. Tongue agape? I've got a hole in my tongue. Yeah, what of it? I was born like this. The doctor said that I would not be able to eat anything my whole life because it would stuck in in there and infected. And yeah, it is.

But I plug it up with a little cork I custom made. I lost the cork. I ate all of it. Presumably I thought it was beans. Okay. The beans I have are hard. Yeah. The hot plates are at a very low heat.

The beans remain rock hard because they're old beans, Bender. This is society. This is what life looks like after you're a teenager. I buy beans and then I consume them six to seven years later. They are my beans. Yeah, they came with the house. They were here already.

Oh, fortuitous circumstance, would think maybe i've had a hot hot plate that would be the case it is a lukewarm place so really it's less about yeah five teens i think it is um a detention i'll never forget that's true they are you know at the end of the breakfast club there's the implication that even though they bonded so closely uh while they were in detention the next day at school, they're going to drift. They're going to separate back to their original cliques. Not after this.

Inevitably, they'll have to see a trauma counselor. Anyway. Together, though. Together. So in many ways, I've ensured Breakfast Club sequels. Yeah, nothing really joins people together like shared trauma. Like shared trauma of a man breaking in yelling at them dying dying of a snake bite

with wounds that he had prior to the movie started it's really coincidence that I died when I did I'd lasted a long time with a snake infected hand I guess they're not getting stoned and doing backflips

they're not doing much of anything. They read quickly and then you die. They read quickly out of fear, but I am never satisfied with the answers. You just keep clicking and being like, more books! I'm not educated enough! I'm not sure if you dying is the end of the first act,

the end of the second act, or the finale. It's the finale. It pans across Jackson's horrible body and mouth agape with his tongue hole. And then it pans up to Bender who does the fist. Don't you forget about me. That's the film, The Breakfast Club. Why is it called that?

Nobody brings that up at any point The principal is sued for negligence I guess he never called the police They go to my house and it has to be burnt down I don't know how this man got so many animals into one domicile

There's deer There's a bear There's several species of snakes Frogs I think the snakes are eating the frogs There's deer, there's a bear, there's several species of snakes. Frogs. Some are new. Frogs. I think the snakes are eating the frogs and the insects. It's great to imagine a deer in my bathroom

and then a bear up against the tiny bathroom window trying to get in. Bender looking in, he was right. Maybe that old man had some wisdom to teach. The frogs are from the swamp. Don't you? The frogs and snakes are are from the swamp. Don't you? Frogs and snakes are definitely from the swamp, but it's uncharacteristic amount of snakes in

these cupboards. That's unusual. They're nowhere else. It's like he put them here. Yeah, put the snakes in the cupboard. Deal with the rat problem. Yeah, Bender. Bender, the rats are getting at the beans. What's a rat's natural enemy? Snake.

Think. Think, Bender. Use that educated brain. Okay, maybe if I'd gone to school, okay, I'd have learned some of this. Instead, I was at the school of hard knocks. Okay?

My school of hard knocks, I knocked hard on windows and broke into libraries. I knocked hard on people's houses, and when they opened the door, I said, tell me something new. And those that did gave me an education. And those didn't. It's why I have such a high police rap sheet

and why you cannot call the cops. I will go to jail, Panda. This is real life. This is what it looks like, okay? I am grown up. You are a wee baby child. This is where you will end up. End of the line, Bender.

Give me that flannelette. Using that to bandage you. Think about this. Point at his chest. Come on, bender. How do you think The Breakfast Club, would it be still a cult classic? I think it would be more of a cult classic. Would age better.

Absolutely. I mean, currently that movie sucks. I think if I was part of it. It'd be a louder film. Louder film. Interesting. And it would be a bit more about like, you know, a commentary on maybe like the class divide.

Is that the reason? No, no, my parents were rich. I requested not to get an education. I just forgot to go to school. Dad wrote it on the fridge, but because I'd never been to school, I was illiterate, and so I didn't go because I didn't know I had to. Is this making sense? I was too busy playing and so I didn't go because I didn't know I had to. Is this making sense? I was too busy playing Game

Boy whilst I shit. Okay. I talk big shits. Alright, don't make a big deal out of it. Everyone shits and I shit big. And I have to have a special toilet that's very comfortable. Yeah, we all do it, even the princess over there. She shits. She shits, you shit, you

shit, you shit. If there's anything that bonds us as people, it's the fact that we shit at our arseholes. In fact, let's do a shit right here. To bond children. It's not coming because the beans give me terrible constipation. Which you'd think

would be the opposite of what would happen, but they're not cooked, so it makes sense. It's just clogging my anus up. Alright, kids, somebody get a book on that. Anuses. A to Z. Start clicking. Come on! And then I die.

I got not long of this word. Maybe there's still the scene where the brain is like, I was going to bring a gun to school, but he's like, I have one here. We could kill him. We could end him right now and be free. What are you talking about? What's that?

I can't hear you because as you can see, and then I lift my ears up, my hair up. I have no ears. I was born like this. The brain's like, that's not how ears work. The doctor said that he could put a set of artificial ears on my head, but he had nowhere to hang them because I don't have any ears. Does that make sense?

What does that mean? He's still got his ear. Does he not? He doesn't have. How does he not have a hole there? What? What are you saying? What is he?

He can hear us sometimes. Can he read lips? No, I can't read lips. I wasn't even looking. I'm blind, technically, legally, but I can see a bit. I'm legally blind for legal reasons. What? What does he mean?

Snakes! That's the only reason I have my house. I don't know what he's talking about now. Okay, so... That's the only reason I have my house. So what are we giving the IMDb score of Breakfast Club with the addition of me? That's a 7.4 on IMDb, I reckon.

I think that's true. And Rotten Tomatoes? 80% critics. Baffling yet engaging. Critics love it. Audiences, commercial audiences, hate it. But then again, a cult following. Yeah, absolutely.

Pushing the IMDb score up. Oh, 100%. They love the slow pan of a snake bitten corpse while Don't You Forget About Me is played. And to be honest, I don't think I could ever forget this movie. What a baffling choice. It started off so normal. So normal. And then baffling choice. It started off so normal. Started off so normal.

And then in a plot twist, I don't know how to use it. I don't really know what the film convention we're referring to here is. But yes, in a thing that happened. John Hughes, he's like, the muses just took me. I wrote this in a fever. A very loud man. John Hughes bursting into his partner's room. I've got it.

I know how to improve the breakfast club. What if a loud, crazy man came in and yelled true nonsense at them, slightly frustrated for some reason, and then died from a snake bite? A snake bite? Yeah, don't worry about it. He already had it. I'm going to watch this down.

My creative juices are going crazy. He lives in a swamp. There's so many behind the scenes and production like docos of like, what happened to this? This is not what the original script looked like. He said he wrote the amendments in a day and a half. Yeah, he said it came to him in a dream.

I had a dream about a farmer being sick up on himself and it just came to me with the inspiration i needed just a little bombs every i'm very sick could be the venom could be the blood loss could be my house could be the beans many possible reasons for the illness i currently have Doctors legally aren't allowed to see me, so I've got to live with it. We don't know. The young-ish man who makes these claims,

we don't know if we're meant to believe all of them or any of those claims. The young man also has never been found and isn't credited in the cast of Crow. He's a true mystery. Some say it was unscripted. Some say that this man thought he was in a real library.

I have wheels within wheels. Molly Ringwald has said that she's never felt as afraid as she has on a movie set. Absolutely. One of the disappointing things to come out of this breakfast club is Molly Ringwald giving up acting forever. If this is what it's like, I'm out. Emilio Estevez also has quit acting

and we've never got Mighty Ducks. That's probably the greatest shame. Champions, as it's called in Australia. That is upsetting. Yeah, first one's called Champions. No, it's... What? Yeah, it is.

And the second one's called The Mighty Ducks, and then we've got D3, which makes no sense in Australia. What? Crazy. I didn't know that. I think I've only ever seen Mighty Ducks 2, so... That's the one where they're in the... Lake.

Yeah, it's the one where they're in the lake. They represent America. They're in the Olympics in the third one, I'm pretty sure. That's wild. Is Ice Hockey in the Olympics? Quack. Quack. Quack. Flying V! Yeah, Knuckle Park Brothers. I ice hockey in the Olympics? Quack. Quack. Quack.

Flying V. Yeah, knuckle puck brothers. I hope that's the TV you can slip yours. So yeah, in terms of seamless, no. I didn't notice. To me, it just seemed like the Breakfast Club, as I recall it. Well, he kept saying the name of the character I remember, Buster. Buster Molly Ringwald.

Listen up. So, yeah. So you did well. You did well. I think I liked it. So you've done well. I think I will also do equally as well. I'm inserting myself into the teen film Scream.

Okay. That is a teen film. So the threat of me. The threat of you. I am also killing teens at the same time. I'm like, look at this ghost face killer guy, and I'm like, hmm, that looks all right. Teens are annoying.

Annoying to get in like you're planning on murdering teens and he does it like the day before so everyone's gonna be like you copied him that sucks yeah but the big twist of scream is that there are two killers killers so now there's a sneaky third well no unrelated the twist would be that there was one killer because when i first watched scream uh i didn't see the twist coming because I was too busy getting excited about Matthew Broderick. Matthew. Oh, no. I had the name and you both said Broderick.

Lillard? Yeah. I got so excited about the death of Matthew Lillard going to occur on screen in front of me that I didn't even consider for a moment that he could be the killer. So the twist surprised me. But if I was in Scream, he would have annoyed me so much I probably would have headbutted him at some point and put him in hospital. Is that how you're killing teens? As an adult.

Who are you? Shut up. It's good to imagine. So I prevent some of the murders. I do the opposite. Well, by bashing the teen. You're bashing or killing a teen.

So I'm watching scream. Matthew Lillard is on there and I'm like, this is good. This is good. Then out of nowhere you barrel in, headbutt him, beat the shit out of him and barrel off screen. And I'm like, wait, what? Wait, hold on. Does that mean they don't find out who the killer

is or do they only find out one and Matthew Lillard is in hospital? The killing stop. Well, some of the killing stop. Okay, so it's great that you have the opportunity because now we've quantum leaped you into. You're in the movie for some reason. If I'm in the movie, in the movie, his character would still annoy me.

Like, so I don't know what's going on. I just hate this one kid. So who are you in the sleepy town of Screamsville? Yeah, he's Joel Dusha. Yeah, I'm Joel Dusha. Lovable early 20s, early 20s, late 20s. I'm not fooling anyone. What's your job in Screamsville?

Maybe I'm Dewey's best friend. Yeah, okay. He's the cop. All right, so you're not a cop, but you're friends with the cop. Yeah, I'm friends with the cop. Doing ride-alongs. Yeah. You're like, hey, Dewey, let me out here.

Maybe I work at... Beat this kid out here maybe he's a corrupt cop let me out here and you just go out and from the car like him watching you and he's like wait wait what is he doing shut up that's good it's good if you continually prevent him Killing team by bashing him I'm just always there The only scene I know from Scream I've never seen it is when Maybe it's from one of the sequels But like the girl's in the house And he's like I can see you I'm in your house

And she's like oh my god And then you're just hi I'm here to bash Scream What? He's in your house move out of the way that could also be the opening of Scary Movie 3 absolutely that's also a demon

no no not me inserting it the scene you're describing yes absolutely what's your favourite scary movie and then the very start of Scream is Drew Barrymore getting killed. Yes. And she is on the phone and doors open and stuff like that. But he's never like, I'm in your house. Yeah, that's fair.

But I feel like that in scary movie, they do that and he is in the house. Maybe. I can't really remember. I like the idea. Anyway, have we ever had a horror movie where the villain keeps appearing and trying to kill someone? An anonymous man. Oi! It's good to imagine You're so annoying!

Driving around with Dewey and you see Scream about to kill Kirsten Dunst Go talk to Kirsten Dunst, sorry Drew Barrymore And you're like, from the moment, before he does his first murder, you're like, I'm bashing that guy And then the rest of the film is you chasing the scream killer

to every location and beating him up. Yeah, do you remember what he looks like in Scream? Because I'll show you a photo and then you tell me if you don't want to fight him or not. Alright. I will. Oh yeah, I want to fight him. Yeah. It's good to imagine you can just see that energy through the

screamer mask as well. Yeah. It's also funny to be like, oh my God, that ghost is going into that house. I've got to save that person. I think it's a ghost. I've decided I'm a ghost buster. Oh, my God, is that a ghost? I've got to punch this guy. I've got to throw some hands at this ghost.

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who struggles between the hyper-masculine world of combat sports and his sexual identity. Made by an award-winning team, including Eisner Award winner Hassan Osman El-Hau and Dante Award winner Amanda Miranda. Published by BHP Comics, all funds raised are going towards paying the artists for their work and making sure that you get the book you help support. so get on it and help back this award-winning team from five pounds you can receive rewards ranging from the digital comic up to an original page of art from the book just head to kickstarter.com and search for a boxer man what a shock i think it's a magic power i'm like oh my

god i've been blessed with magic fists that can punch ghosts. It can punch ghosts. Fuck. It rules to imagine you going to a haunted house and just running around fists flailing. If there's any ghosts here, I'll feel them. I'll feel them. Okay, so instead of decking math, I mean, you might.

Well, out of sheer, I guess, luck. You're the ghost puncher. You've seen the ghost face here at the corner. You're the ghost puncher. You've seen the ghost face killer at the corner and you're like oh my god. Can anyone else see this? Can anyone else punch this? This place is being haunted. We're living in a ghost town. And then you become

the ghost puncher. I don't think and I also don't think that the ghost face killer is expecting a punch in the mask. While Scream is happening in the background, there is a side plot where it's like someone muttering their breath being like,

I'm going to punch some ghosts. I can punch ghosts. And so then every other kind of like, you know, in every shot, there's just some guy in the background just throwing hands, flailing around.

Eventually I'll connect. It's just totally in the background of the film, but then right at the end, when there's like the final confrontation between Sidney and the ghost face killer, I just pop coward punch. Back of the head. And then for some reason I've been imagining you

with your eyes shut. Yes. I can act it. Oh my God, I killed this ghost. Wait, wait, hang on. Can ghosts die? A little bit of blood coming out the back of the head. Do ghosts bleed?

Hang on. Wait a second, though. Everybody's just staring at you in horror. Hold on. I'm a hero. I killed a ghost. The review's like, man, I just did not see that ending coming. But if you did look, it's very tiny, but literally in every single shot,

it's well scripted. We can't deny it's set up. It's shadowboxing the whole way through the film. It doesn't really make sense tonally or have anything to do with the plot, but it is set up. It is set up. You do hear a muttering of like, I'm going to punch some ghost. At some point, when we think it's Chewie's mate,

we're not sure if it's... You can see a police car in the background of the first scene and you can kind of hear, you put subtitles on, you can hear it. Hey, is that a ghost? I'm going to punch that ghost. I'm going to punch that ghost. Well, actually, no, in this version, you do. You get out of the car, punch him

to learn that you can punch ghosts because otherwise that's just an assumption you've made, which is really funny. Hey, Dewey, thanks for being up today. I feel powerful. I could punch ghosts. Do you reckon I could punch ghosts, Dewey? I wouldn't know.

I'm going to try. That's the opening credits. And then it cuts the whole, you know, the entire film. Yeah. It's bookended by two conversations with Dewey. One where you're like, can I punch ghosts? And one where you're like, I punched a film. Yeah. It's bookended by two conversations with Dewey. One where you're like, can I punch ghosts? And one where you're like, I punched a ghost.

And then Dewey's like, you've had a lot of trouble. Well, I know. She's a murderer. If you murder a murderer, isn't that good? I suppose. Is that what you're saying to Dewey? It's complicated. No.

I murdered a murderer. Yeah. I win. Did you do it? Okay, so I win. Did you do it? Okay, so you're- Did you do it in self-defense? Well, I punched him in the back of the head from behind. I had my eyes shut.

Yeah, we're getting a lot of witnesses saying that you were just doing it with your eyes closed. And you were flailing and it could have been anyone. It just happened to be a murderer. I don't know if the law has a word for that. Hero. It's not quite murder and it's not quite manslaughter. It's something more complicated.

It's bang in the middle. You did save her life. You had intent. But it wasn't. It wasn't the intent that was required. You thought it was a ghost, but it was a murderer. Credits roll. Lots of post-credits, little pop-up boxes of you still having a discussion.

I think I'm okay. I think I'm going to be all right. I am going to have to arrest you. I am a cop. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, but I'll get off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No lawyer in the country will keep this in. You're my best friend.

You wouldn't arrest me. You wouldn't arrest your best friend. You did kill someone. Yeah, but I thought they were a ghost. Well, they were a ghost. No. But they were a ghost. Not only were they a ghost,

they weren't even a friendly ghost. They were a bad ghost. And then I killed them. Yeah, but think about what you're saying. Do you know what else is really, really good about this? So in scream in world, in scream, they make the movie stab based off the events of scream.

So now stab is probably called punch. It'll be stab punch. Stab slash punch. Like face off. Colon punch. It's good. It's good calling it punch because that implies that you punching the

killer was the most exciting part of the film. Also, if you've punched one killer, that means there's another killer loose. That's true. Nobody beat up Matthew Lillard. That's how I learned I could punch ghosts.

Wait, so you knew that was Matthew Lillard, but this second one may be a ghost. It appears somewhere along the way you got very confused. Maybe you punched Matthew Lillard. And I'm like, in your punching, you're just doing your shadowboxing,

you punch yourself in the head. Become convinced you killed a ghost. shadow boxing you punch yourself in the head become convinced you killed a ghost become a ghost puncher yeah reviews are in what seems like west no where's craven did he do it again we don't know he seems like he wanted to make a movie about a guy punching ghosts really but he was too cowardly to put it in the forefront. Three stars. IMDb, the trivia is like, we don't know. Wes Craven even doesn't know why he put this in the film.

Wes Craven was like, this wasn't my cut. All the actors use character names except Joel Dutcher, who goes by his real name in film. And he refers to Matthew Lillard's character as Matthew Lillard until he thinks he's a ghost. Then he just keeps calling him to Matthew Lillard's character as Matthew Lillard until he thinks he's a ghost. Then he just keeps calling him

Ghost Matthew Lillard. But he calls that other guy Dewey, which is his character's name. Is that because he doesn't know the name of the actor? It's really confusing. It seems like it's very funny as well to Wes Craven being like,

I didn't film this. How did this get in the background? Is this just like Warner Brother and the Furious? What's your name again, Dewey? Something Arquette? I'm going to call you Dewey Arquette. Release the Craven cut that has none of this in it.

I think the Joel Duger character was added in post-production for some reason. I'm CGI. It's just a man in a green morph suit flailing away. What did they intend him to be dressed as or looking like? Yeah, a baffling film. Yes.

Probably gets- Great twist. Yeah. Wow. It probably gets a lot of people gathering to watch it because it's so bad. I guess another comment. Oh.

Just baffling. What's the IMDB score? IMDB score, probably talking about- Like a two point something. Oh, what? I would think maybe 4.5. What's the Rotten Tomatoes percent? Rotten Tomatoes, loved by fans, hated by critics.

Yeah. The reverse of your- The reverse of Angry Breakfast Club. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. Okay. So I need a percentage. You need a percentage.

I reckon like critics, 20%. Yeah. Critics, 20%. But audience, 80%. They love it. They love it. They're like, this is a breath of fresh air in the already boring teen thriller genre. Scream, it's a comedy horror.

Most people are just like, oh, it's a horror. But this feels like it really lent into that comedy So it's become a lot more slapstick And people would understand the genre A bit easier I think you'll begin a new genre of slapstick horror I think they'll call it You know like a ruined orgasm

They'll call it ruined horror Where it seems like it's building up to something And then the ghost or the murderer gets punched Exactly It's a new Friday the 13th remake Where Jason just to something and then the ghost or the murderer gets punched. Exactly. There's a new Friday the 13th remake where Jason just gets whacked in the back of the head by a bit of wood. Every time he's about to kill someone, someone just hits him with a bit of wood.

Absolutely. We wanted the audience to experience you've ruined my cum. Yeah, absolutely. Dream puncher. That's the Nightmare on Elm Street version They get you in a lot of ways Jaws 8 ends with Jaws getting just caught in a net

Yeah, absolutely That's when the genre was dying They say, netted the shark What's happening to Jaws and then it just cuts to a fishing vessel where they lift it out and one of the fishermen's like, ah, it's still alive! On the schnoz. And people were like, yeah,

I kind of got it after Scrooge. Yeah, it was derivative. I feel like I did a good job. I think you did a good job, just as good a job as I. Yeah, after experiencing two incredible flawless... Like, you're so seamless. I think maybe I've

might have done this a bit too seamless. I see. We get confused. I need a bit of seam. The Hunger Games. Okay. Just simply being one of the wealthy capital people. Great choice. Just watching the teen deaths and being like

yes, I will bet on that one. I like how seamless this is because I may not notice. Yeah. You could be anyone. You could be like, hey, boys, I've got a sneaky announcement. I'm actually in Hunger Games. And I'd be like, could be true.

I could be telling you right now a thing that has happened. Like I was in Hunger Games. Yeah, you could. Could be true. Are you going to watch it to find out? No, you're not. You're not. No.

Unless you're an adult in The Hunger Games, then it's less seamless. We can see a bit of same. Katniss, Peter, Zammett. I was even imagining, not as a tribute, like you were fixing a bit and they went off. You're like, honey, why put this panel down? Wait, what?

No, I'm still in here. The kids are going to tear me apart. Just to be like a fully grown man in the Hunger Games. That's something really funny about it. With like a screwdriver. Get back, children. No, no. They're coming with knives.

It's great to imagine kids coming at you and you've just got a big bit of wood that you're flailing around trying to hit them with. They use bow and arrows, so you're just going to cop an arrow to the skull. Just peppered with arrows, trying to find the cameras. Let me out! I'm hurting!

A maintenance man trapped in the Hunger Games. My name is Joel Zappert. I am a maintenance worker. I was not a tribute. As you can see, I'm a worker. I've got a tool belt. I'm too old. A tool belt.

People keep sending you gifts. No. Please don't do this. Get me out. I would like to go. A parachute falls down with a bit of box. Open up. Oh, Glock.

Okay. I guess he to go. A parachute falls down with a bit of box open up. Oh, Glock. Okay. I guess he's killing kids. Okay. I guess you've become sort of a villain for the Hunger Games. Katniss is like, how am I going to kill the man with the gun? I didn't want to be here, but now that I've got a gun, it's all right. I guess I've got to kill some children. Can I win?

And then a big voice over the loudspeaker is like, technically not. Aww. If you win, you've ruined the Hunger Games. That's your emotional core. You've got to ruin the games. The struggle of your character. Hey, you know who else ruins the Hunger Games? Who's that?

Katniss. That's true. She shoots the roof. Maybe you do that before her, or you shoot her as she's about to shoot the roof. You just start shooting the sides of the Hunger Games. Get me out! I guess, to be honest, as someone who was like a technician, you'd know how to shut bits off and turn off trees or whatever.

Just kind of like knock it on the tree to see which ones are hollow. You just want a door? No. I'm going to turn off the trees in this whole area. Kids are climbing up the trees. Because I know the kids climb up the trees and make a bed. Trees, all the kids just fall to their death. All right, so now it's a bit of a Mr Magoo situation

where I am a little bit of a short-sighted. A murder Magoo situation. A bit of vision problems, but a technician nevertheless who's trying to get out, accidentally setting off traps. And killing children. And slowly killing kids. As soon as a kid falls from a great height, cracks their skull on a rock,

I turn to the camera, because the cat with the hung game's like, oh no, did I do that? That becomes your catchphrase. Like Urkel. But then they're like, that's just Urkel's catchphrase. That's the only piece of old world media that survived. And then my presents dry up.

I like to imagine, it's so funny to imagine I didn't do it. Does that float? Does that float? It's good to imagine you're opening up a panel and flicking something on and off that you don't know what it is and it's turning off the air for like a third of the time. Flick, flick, flick, flick. Kids losing their air

in another section. So inadvertently causing a lot of kid death. Uh-huh, uh-huh. For sure. From a different side of the park. How, what, the movie is about you now, or are you just a challenge for Katniss and the gang to overcome? Do the kids kill Zammert, or does Zammert kill the kids? I think what's going to happen, it's going to be like,

kids are dying and they don't know why, because the tree just disappeared. Yeah, that's true. And then it is revealed towards the end of the second act of just a bumbling fuckwit being like, help, kids, I'm trapped. Kids, don't kill me. I'm trapped. I've got a palm pilot and a screwdriver.

You're also wearing maintenance overalls with a bomb flap open. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kids, I am very lost. I'm very lost. I'm a little sick. I kept trying to eat things. I didn't know what was edible or not. I ate a berry and then turned off the berry.

I've consumed a good chunk of mud. Kids, help. Help me, children. I guess that might help. Katniss might like, you know, oh, if you help me out of the Hunger Games. Whatever you want, kid. I am so fucking scared right now.

Do you know that, like, look, we're gonna get bears, like bear humans, they're gonna attack you. It is fucked. It's messed up. Wait, look, I'll show you. I'm turning on the bear children. Look, here's the bear children. Now I can turn them off. It's real simple. It's very easy. Some reason.

In the background. Yeah. Oh, no. Oh's real simple. Very easy. Some reason. In the background. Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, no. I know the one. I don't know how. Shit. Killed by a bear child.

Fuck. What are they? Fuck. Fuck. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. It's funny to imagine you just turning off all, everything.

Like, press to get like a maintenance switch that turns everything off and you can just see in the distance all the kids. Yeah. Children, press to get, like, a maintenance switch that turns everything off, and you can just see in the distance all the kids. Children, I'm sorry! This is much better. I'm getting, like, executed by the Capitol. Absolutely. For ruining the latest Hunger Games. Oh, you trapped me in here!

The kids all see you because you've turned everything off. It's just a flat plane. They turn, and you're like, kids, kids. And you realize they're charging at you. So you just turn the trees back on real aggressively. Boom, boom, boom. Hell! Dead by trees.

Oh, that was close. Tree grew through child. I'm fucking scared, Katniss. Then it becomes. Katniss, I'm shitting myself here. Kids hunting me. Well, I have sort of control of the environment. Yeah, it'd be all right.

Horror film. Yeah. It's kind of like, you know. Cabin in the woods? Yeah, but like, you know, kids hunting like a wizard, basically. Children, I am a wizard. I can turn the trees on and off. I can make children bears appear.

Those big hornets or whatever they're called. I can turn off the air, off the water. Oh, press this as a swooping mockingjay or whatever. They're dangerous. I don't know. Look, I didn't pay attention. I would love to just get out of here, kids. Quickly manifest a steak sandwich.

Oh, thank Christ. Wow! What? What? Dead by steak sandwich. What? I don't know what. Okay, that one's not on me.

Cuts to Stanley Tucci watching. I didn't. Okay, that's... Meat's going to come from somewhere. Is that how this works? Why just kill Stanley Tucci? He's going to come from somewhere, i.e. me. Stanley Tucci's face.

What? I don't... He's an actor. I am really lost. Hunger Games has the same laws as Full Metal Alchemist. But Stanley Tucci is where you get all your material from. Every time you do alchemy, it comes from Stanley Tucci. That's good.

It's good because a steak isn't all of him. It's just a bit of his belly going. I'm just going to press the homunculus button. Make a Stanley Tucci homunculus. See, that fixes it. Oh, no. I've made an envy. I think it's good because it would be like, you know,

oh, has he wrecked the Hunger Games? And this thing's got stranger and stranger. They'd be like, he's improved the Hunger Games. And then Stanley Tucci dies. No, he's definitely wrecked it. We've Stanley Tucci dies and they're like, no, he wrecked it. We gotta get him out of there and bad him. Sorry for the interruption, everybody in the capital, but

John Xamarin has ruined the Hunger Games. He will be executed. See you next year. What? Damn it! It's just their negligence. Well, look, it's an improvement on the Hunger Games, let's be honest. I feel to flee, though, I might just become one with The Hunger Games and maybe burrow underground somehow.

I'm sort of imagining, like, Katniss coming to you and you lie down in the mud and you're like, bury me, Katniss. He's like, leave me a little hole for my mouth. Mud, raise up. They'll never catch me here they'll never Mr. Salmon Joel Salmon killed by mud

suicide by mud why didn't you get up what happened I'm hiding they'll never catch me come back for the sequels though didn't you die in the mud Don't ever catch me. Come back for the sequels, though. Oh, didn't you die in the mud?

No, that was a myth. I pressed the Ganon button. Yeah, see, now I pretty much control all the Hunger Games. It's all right. No one ever dies, not really. It's all a simulation, I think. I don't know. I think you'll come back for the third one because the fans will have grabbed onto you as a character they love.

He wasn't in the book. It seems like a weird addition, but, you know, he improved it in a way. Maintenance man. Never got a real name. Just maintenance man. Maintenance man. Killed by mud. Oh, when are you want to give my name?

I'm also not dead. I didn't know. Also like the profile picture to be, rather than his face, his uniform bomb flap open. Pressed up against the glass. How'd they get that? How'd they get that photo? That was a special photo for me and my wife.

Photo provided by maintenance man's wife. Miss Smith. Oh, honey. The ultimate portrayal. Apart from this mod, that's the ultimate portrayal. Wife is second. I'll tell you what, he dies heaps in that scene. He's got a lot of things to say between deaths.

I'll be honest. Strange choice. What's the IMDb score? Oh, that's an 8.6. Absolutely. Critically acclaimed. And loved by fans. Too weird for Oscarsars but people are still

talking about it it's on all the lists the subsequent Hunger Games because they didn't include you panned by critics people hated them biggest Oscar snub maintenance man what happened

did win a team choice award you got slimed at the Nickelodeon Yes And you're like this is like when I died in mud And you got a weak applause As I get slimed And everyone's like He's in the line

This is the ultimate betrayal I'm not even dead yet. On the front cover of Bum Flaps Weekly. Very few of them appear in film, so it was quite a notable month. A whole month's worth of weekly issues dedicated to that scene. Bum Flap Weekly has never seen so much success and popularity as a periodical than it did in that month. And I reckon Rotten Tomatoes is giving you a 96%.

Absolutely. Very fresh. Yeah, the freshest. Oh, my God. Basically plucked from the vine. Yes. Absolutely. Farmers pick that tomato and they give it a kiss

because of how fresh it is. Oh, wow. So fresh you could put it back on the vine and it would re-knit and stay there. And on that note, I've been Maintenance Man. I've been Joel Doucher, Ghost Puncher. And I've been a crazy man in a library.

And these have all been seamless. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually I'm at Douche13 I'm at OldDogsOfDead

and I'm at GodDammitZammit If you want to hear our other shows you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there There's heaps! And if you want to support us head to SandspantsPlus.com Thank you again for listening

and we'll see you again next time Goodnight for now. But not forever. Kisses.