Plumbing the Death Star - Which Type of the Batman Would You Begin?

Episode Date: September 6, 2020

Sign up to our newsletter here. Join our facebook group here.You can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073.Want to help support the show?Sanspants+ | Shop | TeesWant to get in contact with us?Email | Twitter | Website | Facebook | RedditOr individually at;Jackson | Duscher | ZammitTheme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website or check out his YouTube channel. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SANS Pants Radio, Australia's dumbest podcast network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, Which type of The Batman would you begin? Okay, so in the past we've been Bruce Wayne. Yes. But that was as a team, as a trio. Yes. As a sort of three men in a tub situation.

Rubber dub dub. So what if each of us individually were run through the Bruce Wayne gauntlet What kind of Batman would pop out the other side? Bruce Wayne experience as it were Yeah I would like to say first off I don't want to go to see an opera That sounds boring

Mama and Papa Wayne I am complaining the whole time And then my parents get shot And I'm like well thank god it'll never happen again so little jackson wayne we'll take you to the theater many more times okay yes all right all right so okay let's just say i'll just i'll be i'll be martha wayne uh jd you can be thomas uh hello okay uh young br, we've got a special treat for you today. We're going to the opera and we're seeing your favourite,

I want to say superhero, but that's not right, your favourite hero, Zorro. That means fox in Spanish, I think. I found a hole in the wall that I can't quite get my arm into. This is going to occupy my time for like a week. I should get my hand in. It's important to stay cultured, son. And we're off to the opera to watch Zorro.

It's an opera about Zorro. He will sing songs about a sword, presumably. And he wears a mask. It should be exciting. How exciting. He has a sword. But what if there's something cool in the wall? There's no cool sword in the wall

Why is it wet? Oh no, get out of here Jackson Wayne discovers a mould problem in Wayne Manor Pulling my hand out with just a clump of wet black mould What's this? Well, put it down, don't put it in your mouth, son Whatever Let's go see this movie or whatever.

Do you want to wash your hands, young master? Nah. Never have, never will. Alfred, fetch the soap. After a thorough, aggressive scrubbing from Alfred, I imagine a lot of running around. I don't know why he's going aggressive with it. He hates me, I guess.

Yeah, he should. I figured you were more of a struggler, like constantly kicking. Yeah, absolutely. Martha and Thomas, he's loose again, and I'm just nude and soapy running around the manor. He's nude and slippy. Looking for that hole in the wall.

Alfred, I don't think I explored all of its secrets. What if I stick my head in there? Run. The hole is about hand-sized. Head into the hole. Unconscious. Wake up in the car on the way to the office. Fuck!

Just a little tuxedo. Still a bit soapy. Yeah, soapy. Got a big bruise on my head. Maybe bleeding a little tuxedo still a bit soapy yeah so we got a big bruise on my head maybe bleeding a little ah fucking hell would you be the type of child that if your parents did something you didn't agree with you'd be like i wish you were dead yeah all the time that's what i'd be saying the whole car ride over. If you two were dead from perhaps a gunshot, I would be Master Jackson

You will enjoy this opera. Jackson, that's an awful thing to say about me and your mother. What if we actually went down Crime Alley and got shot in the head? You know what I'd say? This is good and I'd do a little dance from fortnight the one where you do an l on your forehead thomas what is fortnight so fast forward uh we're in crime alley me and zamit dead from gunshot wounds you doing a fortnight dance slowly bring my thumb and forefinger to my head

to make an L. Put my hand on my belt and do the Fortnite dance as Joe Chill is like, what is happening? I wished for this in the car! And then I go for a high five. Excuse me, Joe Chill, are you a G?

Do I get one more wish or is that one wish so I get two more? All right. And then I like to imagine I clamber onto Joe Chill's back like a piggyback ride. Take me away from all this. I hate the opera and I'll get trained by Joe Chill. So you'll be Chill Man? Joe Man.

Yeah. Bat Chill. Bat Joe. Bat Joe. He's moist, slippy, and fights crime with... No, fights parents with mold. Well, I imagine that Joe Chill is afraid because he doesn't know what's happening,

and so my next two wishes are, one, to be the strongest man who ever lived. He's not a genie, but okay. And two, to learn all of Joe Chill's skills and ability. Tell me your chill skills. That's very funny. Awesome. Thank you, Mr. Genie, for my next wish. I wish to be the strongest man in the world,

and I wish for you to teach me your skills. What? First off, I'm not a genie. Secondly, I think you fundamentally misunderstood what a wish is. If I was a genie, I could just use those abilities. Just, yeah. Slash, George. I wish for you to teach me.

What are you saying, Joe Chill? How does he know my name? Out of fear, he trains me. Okay, let's make you the strongest boy in the world. All right, so Joe Chill gets you a gym membership? Yeah, I guess so. Gym membership and a gun. And he like there you go you know all my abilities now you're gonna be moderately

in shape and you're going to wield a gun with six bullets that's it thank you Joe Chill I start early and as a child that's exciting also I imagine your utility belt just has more bullets. Yeah.

Each pouch, one bullet. So whilst Bruce Wayne goes off and trains with the Shadow League, you just hit the gym? I don't even imagine hitting the gym. I just imagine getting the gym membership and the gun and that's it.

You don't even do the exercises. because i was imagining at a young age you're like yeah this is how i become the strongest boy and actually get really ripped but no no no okay what's okay i'm gonna become what gotham fears a child with a gun that's scary okay so where are batman's villains in this time period and well what are you fighting you're not okay i think if we can go just loose on the tear so i guess you're jackson what you would do now is uh so batman obviously wants kind of vengeance and fight crime etc etc you i guess are going around killing people's parents when they seem unhappy no no i think we can go deeper than that i reckon you're killing playwrights yeah particularly opera playwrights maybe you start a war on opera opera has this city's been held in the cruel clawed hand of opera for too long bring us movies they're good i want to see films and

play fortnight andrew lloyd weber look out he doesn't even live in gotham but i'm killing him nonetheless you know like that that famous scene in um uh batman year one where is this like all the like the mob family are terrified of bat. It's just playwrights. That but like a writer's meeting. Yeah and they're like what is wrong with this child that wants to kill us? He seems to think that we

are somehow stopping movies from happening. That's not true. And then I kick the door open and I manage to shoot six of them, but then I have to fumble through my many utility belts and the rest get away. Fuck.

When you're all dead, I can finally see a film. That's the theory. That whole, ladies and gentlemen, you have eaten well. You've eaten Gotham's wealth by your overpriced tickets. It's spirit by forcing them to watch opera. Your feast is nearly over. From this moment on, none of you are safe. And then child with a gun.

What did he say? None of us are safe? What is he talking about? Why? What does he want so I am I arrested because

I'm still just a child how old was Bruce Wayne when his parents died like 11 12-ish pretty teen I think yeah certainly too young to be tried as an adult

absolutely but it's cool that my relationship with Commissioner Gordon is less like him as a mentor slash friend and more like him as the man who arrested me. Yeah, he's my Batman.

I have to arrest this child. Oh, he's just a kid. He's a murderer. But with the power of Gotham, you might have lasting ability here. So even though you are a child with a gun who hates opera, the bat demon living underneath Gotham, it's...

That's true. It's bat magic powers may infuse you to become, well, something other. Yeah, I suppose by Gotham's very nature, in that it is kind of a machine for building Batman, at some point I going to just decide maybe that I will expand. Will I get back onto crime?

Will I expand it out from opera to other fields of entertainment? Maybe. I'm just trying to work out who the villain is of Zorro or what is the natural predator of opera? Yeah. That's a great question. Zorro or what is the natural predator of opera yeah that's a great question is it spoken word jazz

I'm not sure I feel like that I'm going to come up opera well we know video killed the radio star but who killed the radio star to get to where they were you know yeah in the cycle of violence that is the entertainment industry i sort of suspect that i will end up

coming up against some batman villains simply because like i'm thinking about the penguin right yeah only the penguin has finances in the opera industry that i am oh yeah you've got the the penguin who would be kicking around you've also got like the crime families the Malcony families or whatever who also are wealthy so they probably are involved in the opera or at least

the theatre or something. And they did maybe hire Joe Chill to kill your parents so... Well that's good though. But they're probably not going... Does he hate us oh no through you trying to kill all the opera people they're gonna be scared that you're trying to track down them thinking that this is a revenge thing and have like they'll be like all right he's killing everyone that's connected to the murder of his family he will find us eventually but no

you're just killing everyone at the opera because you hate the opera. It's great to imagine them, like, arranging a meeting with me. And they're like, we're willing to offer you $10 billion if you'll leave us alone. I'm like, okay. Great. Yeah, all right. Deal. I wasn't even.

Okay. Yeah, cool. Damn, I'm rich again. Oh, yeah. you also are very wealthy it's an opera destroying bomb and it only destroys operas Jackson it seems like every

weapon you've made will go off the moment somebody sings at the right pitch yeah that tends to be when I need to kill the most. I also like Goodyear. Alright, so the crime family come to you, they're like, we'll give you 10 billion dollars if you leave Gotham and leave us alone.

You're like, oh yeah, whatever. There's opera everywhere. I don't give a shit about Gotham. So then you go to Metropolis? Is Superman now your superman just picks me up and i try and shoot him a couple times and he's like you are a human child we are putting you in juvenile detention oh but i'm rich joe i am the joe uh what what what what does alfred feel or What does Alfred feel Is doing this whole endeavor

I think Alfred's just like Well he's upset about Thomas and Martha Patching that hole in the wall It's like if Jackson did one good thing For the Wayne name It's that he discovered the mold problem In Wayne Manor That would have been expensive down the line

As he's patching it up in the wall He sees me on the news and he's like I'm gonna pretend I don't know that kid It sucks that That Martha And Thomas and their boy Were gunned down in Crime Alley As far as I know

He was shot so much he disappeared Yeah I believe the son was Jackson Wayne, not this Joe character. That could be anybody. Not this Joe man or Bat Joe, as he's calling himself. The bat demon trying to turn me into a bat man. The best they could get is that I've called myself Bat Joe for reasons that are unclear to everyone, including me.

Maybe you carry a bat. I don't know. Like a physical baseball bat. Bat Joe! And then I slam Andrew Lloyd Webber in the kneecaps. Am I a hero or a villain? Definitely a villain. On vengeance.

For what? I don't remember. And then I put in juvie, and that's me my 10 million dollars go back to the i guess eventually i'd get returned to alfred when in juvie they're like oh you master wine alfred opening the door fuck well yeah is there is there an arkham for juvie like i don't know if there's a child's arkham i'd get sent to grown-up arkham i'm not even a super villain though i'm just a kid with a gun i have no powers when batman arrests crime family do they go to blackgate is that the normal one yeah i think blackgate's the

normal one yeah so i guess i'd get sent to blackgate but again probably just a regular juvenile detention yeah i figure what's gonna to happen is ideally, well, it depends. What are Gotham's social security systems like? So, yeah, you got a juvie, but do you get, you know, therapy for everything that you've done? Maybe Joe Chill, he's like, yeah, I killed the Waynes. Maybe Joe Chill He's like yeah I killed the Waynes But then that boy He got his finger and thumb

In the shape of an owl And put it on his head And did a little dance And then he got on my back And he said Then for my second wish I wish to be the strongest boy I just feel real bad

I mean yeah look I killed I killed his parents but I feel real bad because I think I broke that little boy's head. His psyche is gone. I don't. He thought I was a genie. Did he watch Aladdin? I just don't.

I don't really know. I just feel bad for the boy. I should arrest me, I guess. But also just that poor boy needs help. He needs help. Alfred's like,'s like no no he was always like that yeah yeah it's great to imagine like I don't know Harleen Quinzel when she's a psychologist being like we're gonna try and get to the root of what made you this way and the only place you could get back to is before I was gonna go to the opera like she's like okay so we're gonna regress

you okay back to the night of the trauma oh mom and dad they want me to go see an opera i found a cool hole in the wall let me wake up let me wake up i hate that i'm back here i don't want to see the opera oh no it's the first act the curtains drawing up i hate this no no boring i hope my mama don't die take me to my happy place where joe chill shoots my parents in the head colin stamps my my like documents whatever just says just fucked up i guess wrong wrong i don't know i don't think we can fix him. I don't know if he's really broken. He's complicated.

I'll do it again, and then I go back to myself. You let me out, I will kill more people who love or are the opera. I am Bat Joe. Okay. That's what happens to me. Okay, so I guess here's the... One of the arcs that's happening in the Batman comics at the moment is the Dark Metal arc where Batman encounters

a whole bunch of alternate universe Batmans. If you were reading a Batman comic where main-run Batman met Joe Bat, would you think the comic was good or would you leave a negative comment where you read it? What would your letter to the editor look like? Dear editor, um, what's

happened here? Dear editor, a refreshing take on the origin story of Batman that we've seen before. We've never actually seen a Bruce, or in this case a Jackson Wayne, that was happy that his parents were dead. We're usually dealing with a lot of grief.

You've turned it into a bit more of a comedy, which is a refreshing take, to be honest, in the grim, dark fantasy realm that is the Batman mythos. So, like, a baffling choice, but an interesting choice, nevertheless. So, you've taken what is in essence a traumatic event

and went the other way. It's something we haven't seen before in the Batman comics, and you know what? I'm all here for. So, five out of five on Goodreads would recommend Dear editor I read this and does the hole

on the wall mean something? Is that a metaphor? About maybe it looks nice on the outside but inside it's just full of black mould is that deliberate? Dear editor is this one where batman is the joker

because it's not even a good joker either dear editor you have finally run out of ideas for batman comics pack it in what year does this take place because the opera makes me think that it's old but jackson wayne knows fortnight dances and keeps referencing fortnight and movies jackson wayne keeps saying that no movies are coming but if he's referencing fortnight then they would be in gotham they recently showed inception in fortnight so he could be watching films in fortnight what does he not know how to use fortnight what is going on here well that's pretty good pretty good that's my that's my batman bat chill bat joe sorry all right bat joe bat chill bat chill bat joe great and now a quick word from our sponsors also plumbing is sick as cream all, but did you know that we produce at least eight other podcasts?

Like, maybe you're looking for the podcast equivalent of having the flu and then taking too much cough syrup accidentally and then driving a car. Well, then why not listen to BigSoftTD.png, a nightmare comedy podcast by comedians Tom Walker and Demi Lardner that's far better than it has any right to be. Well, I feel I'd be happy to go to the opera. So if, like, Mum and Dad are like, we're going to the opera, I right to be. Well, I feel I'd be happy to go to the opera. So if, like, mum and dad are like, we're going to the opera,

I'm like, all right, I'll give it a bill. I'm not jazzed about the idea, but I'll give it a bill. But every time I see, like, a musical or something like that, I am swept away in the, like, majesticy of it all, and I'm just like, no, I love this. So I'm basically a rube that I'm shocked I haven't been in a cult yet. So is this this version of Batman

it's like, oh, Zamit fights your version, only there to protect Oprah. You know that kind of guy who watches high school musical and is immediately doing this song and dance straight away after seeing it.

That kind of person. I reckon I'm going to be that kid, and the moment I've stepped outside of watching the opera, I am swinging an invisible sword. Yeah, I was going to say, is it the kind of thing where you're like, I'm going to go meet the cast, and your parents are like,

well, we'll meet you outside, young Xamarin Wayne, and you go meet the cast of Zorro whilst your parents are killed by Joe Chill. And then maybe you just join the opera. We're moving on to Metropolis now. And you're like, take me with you. Take me with you. I'm sad.

Yeah. So I'll meet the cast. I miss my parents getting shot. So I'm shocked. But I'm not that shocked because I haven't actually seen the traumatic event of them getting gunned down. And you're still inside a blazoro. That's just occupying most of your brain. My brain is mostly like 90% zoro and then like 10% oh, no, my parents are dead,

but I want to hang out with my new active friends. So this isn't connecting. And again, that traumatic event of seeing my parents shot down, I'm not. I'm only seeing the aftermath. So it's just kind of like one step removed from the trauma that Bruce Wayne feels. So I think I might be a little bit better.

Not like, look, I'm not a monster like someone in this chat, but it is that one step removed of being like, I don't have to watch the life leave my mother and father i can be like oh they were alive and now they are dead it's just exactly i didn't have to see that transition period which i feel will help me and if it's already happened i might not even see it because someone could be like oh no that 11 year old boy let's shield him from the trauma so i don't maybe I don't even have to see them until they're in the casket. So again, out of sight, out of mind, object permanence, baby. I am fine.

So you don't become Batman. You become a theater performer. Yeah. What about this? Can I pitch you something, Zamit? So the cast of Zorro, can we make it the cast of cats that you were going to see? I mean, like, yes, always. I just know the, yes, always.

I just know the songs from Cats better. So cast of cats, they know that your parents are dead, but you don't yet. And so to shield you from the trauma, they're like, young Zammett Wayne, your parents have abandoned you, and we will raise you as one of the cast of cats. So kind of like a reverse running away to join the circus. It's like I've been kind of kidnapped by the circus. I guess you've been kidnapped by the cast of Cats in this scenario.

Imagine that. Like the cast, they're like, oh, yeah, we're moving on to Metropolis. And oh, no, the Wayne boy. The Waynes are dead. Let's just concoct a story. He seems to like bullshit. So let's conduct a story that say we're adopting him and his parents wish him well

and to never contact them again because he was a naughty boy. I don't know. So he'll swallow it all. He'll eat it up like the big idiot he is. The moment he hears he's part of Cats now, that'll be enough for him. That's enough. It's also good to imagine Commissioner Gordon being like, both the Waynes have died and their son has been kidnapped.

Their son is missing. Young Zabit Wayne missing. And then people watching Cats and Metropolis are like, wait a second, who's that little cat up the back? Well, this is the best thing about Cats or Zorro, depending which way we're going to go with. But both of them require, like, a little bit of makeup. And, like, you know, at least with Zorro, for example, it's like a mask. So, hey.

You're casting yourself as Zorro now. Yes. Or Zorro's little sidekick. I mean, look, it's my fantasy. Yes. You're so good at it, they make you Zorro. Whoa, this kid's got talent. They just keep blowing smoke up my ass

because they just don't want me to come back to reality. They're like, oh, the little boy, he loves the Zorro. Oh, it's the new Zorro. Or they're like, let's just write in a Zorro sidekick, Zorro Jr. Yeah. Well, cats is an easy one, because if you're swept up in the magic of cats,

they can be like, Zammett, Wayne, your parents have gone to the heavy side layer. You must join the cats, and you can be reunited with them. You need to win the Jellicle Ball. Yes. Are you going to be Bat-Cats or Cats-Man?

Cats-Man. The Bat-Demon trying so hard to kind of like, we'll make a Batman. We've got to make a... He says cat. He's saying cat. Why is he... Cat, I'm here.

It's so close, you shit. You shit, it's so close. Fuck. Fuck that musical. Will you ever start to fight crime, or will you just perform in the production of Cats until it finishes its run i reckon because i'll be so delusional that potentially as opposed to fighting crime it

would be bringing the magic of cats to the real world so becoming more of a as like initially we're performing cats in um a theater space and then maybe we start you know incorporating it into say public spaces so we start becoming street performers. Cats performers. Of cats. Okay. That's good. Okay.

I think the closest we're going to come to Catman fighting crime is if somehow he's inspired by real world events and incorporates that into the storyline or any kind of song. Oh, okay. So you might sing about like the Joker has attacked Gotham Bank, but that's the clue. You're more like a newsboy or a TV striker.

It's like the Joker's attack, but look, there's a smile on my face because I'm a big cat. So I actually have a slightly different theory of how Catman's going to up and i think the catman will end up fighting crime or at least being crime because catman thinks cats is real cheetah is a cat in the dc universe fair therefore cheetah if i was cheetah and i was looking for a sidekick i would hit up cats and be like like, Kat, man, join me. Take down fighting Wonder Woman.

And then Wonder Woman would get confused by your makeup and be like, I guess Cheetah made another cheetah and punch you in the stomach. Give you a terrible hernia. Killing you in the stomach. Diana, why? Cheetah, what the fuck? And Cheetah's just kissing herself.

You killed a kid, you idiot herself You killed a kid You idiot You killed a little boy That was a very wonderful Wonder Woman Oh fuck Oh fuck Singing a jellicle song And then get sucked

In the gut By Wonder Woman I'm coming to the Heaviside Layup, Mom and Dad Oh my fucking God Killed a kid This is a great ruse by the cast

And crew of Cats because like Little boy Zamet Wayne is loaded Yeah, that's true The cast of Cats Get rich Zamet Wayne Killed by wonder woman the cast of cats rich um commissioner gordon on the news sees your death and he's like that's where he was we never checked cats we should have checked cats why do we never check cats alfred being like i

saw that play 15 times i never once suspected that was young Master Zammett. It was a stellar performance. Why did I never notice there was only one 11-year-old child in the entire cast? I mean, I should have put one and one together because, like, when we saw it when Master Zammett's family was slaughtered, there was no 11-year-old child cat. But then immediately after, there was one.

Some people think it's ghoulish that I went and saw cats directly after Thomas and Martha Wayne had died. But I just love cats so much. I keep having this image of you street-performing cats and Commissioner Gordon but like as an adult like you've been doing it for 10 years commissioner gordon coming up to put some money in like the hat you have out just like locking eyes with you and being like no it couldn't be do you think wonder woman would get kicked out of the justice league for killing a little boy

i think she would yes i think Superman would be like, why didn't you check? Wonder Woman, he was 11 years old. He definitely had the physique of a child. Even if he's a superpowered child, I just wouldn't punch them in the stomach, Wonder Woman. That seems like, just pick them up, you know. I thought Cheetah had made a little cat man.

What does that even mean? Does Cheetah have a super strength? Can you gut punch Cheetah and she's fine? You are a goddess. I need you to remember this. Wonder Woman, come on now. So maybe Wonder Woman retires. Maybe you become a martyr for crime.

Yeah, absolutely. People are like, we need to dress up more little boys like cats or, like, smaller versions of regular superheroes. It's great to imagine Superman landing at the top of, like, Luther Tower and there's Lex Luthor and a little bald boy next to him. He's like, no, no. You're not tricking me like Wonder Woman got tricked. I like the idea of somehow surviving and being with a hole in my stomach

and becoming an activist for little boys. Being like, oh, I got punched by Wonder Woman. It's not fair. Little boys have rights too. The right to not get punched in the guts. Cat's Man Center for Punched Little Boys. the guts. Cat's Man Center for Punch Little Boys.

Are you a little boy that was punched by Wonder Woman or other superheroes? Well, we have support groups, information, and funding to help your little boy not get punched.

Oh, that's so good. Lots of little boys that look like smaller versions of regular super villains with big punches in their stomachs justice league gets sued for punching so many little boys in the guts it's great to little boy? Call this number. Call 1-800-LITTLE-BOY-SAIS-NO to punch us. Also great to imagine Commissioner Gordon flicking through the TV

channels and seeing you once again and being like, hmm. Could it be? No, that would be ridiculous. Hey, would it be Catsman? That's Catsman. So I think that does really well for a while,

and then I feel the downfall of Catsman's centre for little boys. For punch little boys. For punch little boys. Maybe kind of like swept up in some kind of insurance scam. Like it turns out that Lex Luthor was funding the whole thing. And I feel maybe Lois Lane might uncover that. And Cat's man is brought down in disgrace once again. Punched little boy, punched in the guts.

And then man punched in the integrity. Yeah, the financial guts. Yeah, the financial guts. Yeah, the financial guts. And you return to the street as a Cats performer, but alone this time. Yeah, you sing memories on the street corner. You get to one particular street corner in Gotham, you can see a man doing one man Cats performance. Rumour has it he's Little Zammett Wayne.

Commissioner Gordon denies that to his his uh to this day you're reading a batman comic and batman exploring the multiverse of batman comes across cat's man cat's man center for punched little boys what are you what are your letters to the editor yeah what are you what are you i don't understand what this is meant to represent. You dedicated an entire issue to something very confusing. I don't think Wonder Woman would have punched a little boy in the guts. And I don't think he would have survived. That seems illogical to me. I don't know.

Mr. Editor, I just don't understand and believe that Alfred would be a fan of the Broadway play Cats. Dear Editor, frankly, I loved this. It was a nice change. Dear Editor, couldn't you have called him Catman? Cat'sman is confusing, and then Cat'sman's Center is even more confusing and hard to say when I am describing this issue to my friends.

And mocking it with my friends. Cat'sman's Center. That's too many S's. I don't know where to put the apostrophes. Is it cats as mans? Is it cats as mans? I just got lost in the whole thing. You could have made it a lot easier.

Why did you change it from Zorro to cats? What was the thing in there? They needed to set it up for when he gets punched in the guts. I get it. It makes sense. It's for shadow. I just don't understand why Cheetah was there. From my memory, they've never really been a Batman villain.

I did like the giant splash page of all the supervillains with their little boy sidekicks. I thought that was very good and cute and funny, but it did end with them all getting another splash page of them all getting punched in the guts by various superheroes, which

felt like I was reading a crime, but I don't know. This is an aggressive comic book. Three splash pages in a row. Supervillains with their little boys. Second splash page is all the little boys being punched in the guts. It's like

the first splash page is just everyone having little speech bubbles coming down to the bottom with just one they're all saying. And then the third splash page is just cats, man's center for punch. Little boys surrounded by little boys are holding their guts.

Well, the guts may be wrapped in bandages. Look, the good art, I guess, but very confusing. Yeah. It'll be memorable. Like the start of the last issue of Watchmen,

how there's lots of splash pages and no words. That's what Cat's Man Center for Punched Little Boys is aiming for. Those are the heights. Incredible. Pretty good. Five out of five on good reads, I reckon. Yeah, five out of five on good reads. Oh, for sure.

That's probably the best-selling comic of the year. Yeah, of all time, I reckon. DC Comics is like, actually, we're doing good now. Huh. Who knew that the secret to success was punched little boys in the guts? That's what people want to say, I don't know. So, my experience with the opera will be... Start pretty similar to Zammett's I guess

because as a little boy because I have one kidney I pissed all the time so presumably what happens is my parents are like I need to go piss and then I'll go piss and then I come back and they're dead or alternatively they're waiting inside and they get killed in front of a lot of people uh so maybe i create a bat family immediately because lots of kids see

the two parents get shot wild bat family if it's the entire viewing audience of the opera that also rules because that means joe chill came inside yeah he was in the alley he's like well no one's here well let me check this door this opera is taking too long maybe joe chill kills everybody that was seeing the opera while you were pissing you come out to not just ma and pa wayne everybody the cast of Zorro, the entire audience, and you're like, did I do this? Wow, there was a massacre. What?

Joe Chill had a lot of bullets. The Zorro massacre, if that comes to notice. Joel Dusha, Joel Wayne, Dusha Wayne was pissing during the Zorro massacre and it changed him. So me and like two other fellas that were probably taking a shit or something yeah oh god

a bat family made of six people three people in the ladies bathroom three people in the men's bathroom who were all shitting or pissing maybe an usher you know just have an usher there as well be like we're gonna fight crime We're a bat family

That's made up solely of people That need to piss and shit after a show Just like frequently Some people got IBS Some people got weak bladders Fighting crime is gonna be difficult Your bat suits are gonna have to be Very specially made

Well it's either we need to piss and shit a lot, or we are bad at time management and didn't piss or shit in the intermission. So, yeah, we'll miss crime. The problem of having one kidney.

Which I feel may be a bit of a hamper to your crime fighting abilities Yeah one punch and I Piss blood It pleases me immensely that you and the rest of the toilet crew Decided to fight crime Pretty much immediately

Maybe it's like you feel guilty For waiting that long to take a piss It's survivor's guilt Or are you all deciding That you need to hunt down Joe Chill because that rules as well Because you're seven people He's one man Now the revenge

Kind of like being sparked Across seven people As opposed to just one little boy Absolutely It's kind of like the A-team Except we need to piss and shit more than the regular A-team It's the A-team If the A-team, except we need to piss and shit more than the regular A-team. It's the A-team if the A-team had IBS.

Yeah, I'd watch that. Is that how you're explaining it in press conferences? Where you're like, we're going to stop crime. We are like the A-team, but we need to shit and piss a little bit more. And everyone's like, oh, hi, I have a question, Gotham Times. Why was that relevant? I just want you all to be aware.

Well, that's why we survived. I guess you would put some importance on it thank god we needed to piss and shit yeah like if you miss a train that then crashes or something like that you'd be like wow the the lesson being not being wow i was lucky the lesson being like wow i'm really glad i pissed then that's good as well. If you do decide to fight crime and you decide that the way you're going to do it is to whenever you need to, you feel like you need to piss or shit, you just go and do it. You're like, Joker is about to poison the water supply. You're about to stop him. And you're like, you know what? I need to piss.

It helped me last time. I'm going to piss now. You know, I'm going to go take a piss. Go take a piss. Joker poisons the water supply, I guess. Or, and look, a counter theory here. What if you take it to the logical extreme, being like, the reason I am alive today

is because I only have one kidney. Ah, that's true. Or, I need to remove a lot of kidneys in Gotham. If only the audience of Zorro all had one kidney as well, everyone would have been pissing when Joe Chill came in. Makes a lot of sense. And so you become some kind of

supervillain surgeon. You know that Batman villain who was basically a plastic surgeon or whatever? That, but only for kidney ectomies kidneys that's good but I think what the logical conclusion

would be is I'm like Gotham City is not hydrated enough if everyone was pissing we'd all be alive I'm gonna make the water supply more water I'm gonna make the water supply denser fills up your bladder quicker

man this water is thick I'm gonna make the water supply denser. Fills up your bladder quicker. People just turning their taps and got some thick water coming out. Just you with like tons of corn flour just chucking it into the mains. Yeah, I'll fix them! Thick water equals more piss!

You and the rest of the toilet crew cheering on either side as you dump it in. Putting dioradics in the water, as well as, I guess, laxatives for the shitting members of the toilet crew. Terrible diarrhea epidemic wave over Gotham. No crime can happen if we're all pissing and shitting. The toilet is a crime-free zone. That's true. No crime can happen if everyone has dysentery.

Yeah. Commissioner Gordon sitting on the john being like, give me the stats, and someone being like, there just literally hasn't been a crime in Gotham for the last three days. Everyone is very sick, but there hasn't been a crime. Job technically done. That's your catchphrase.

Don't forget to piss Crime down the shitter His headlines write themselves And if you do decide That you want to fight crime You just need to not be shitting Like I mean the Joker or say Bane or the Penguin None of them are a threat if they're on the toilet

Yeah I can just kick down the cubicle door and sock them in the head I was imagining penguin sitting on the toilet little stubby legs up and then he hears like the door to the toilet open and he sees your big batman boots walk past you know

you go into the cubicle next to him he's like maybe batman's just taking a shit sorry shit man. Whatever your name is. Kidney man. Maybe he's just taking... Bat flush. Yeah, and then your big Batman gloves over the top of the

cubicle, you climb over and punch him in the top of the head. I'm so undignified. I wish there was a superhero that's like specialty which is punching people in the top of their head, like rather than their face. It's great to mention for the penguin though

because he's got that big top hat. So you crumple the top hat with his fist and then connect with skull. Well, that's good. If I read that in an issue, I would be like, dear editor, this was gross. Yeah, if in an issue I would be like, dear editor this was gross. Yeah, if I read it again I'd be like this is really interesting

I would kind of be trying to cite other forms of media how we never used to be able to see the toilet being shown in like say film, television or whatever. So I'm like, I don't I mean, we've gone past that but I guess they were trying to prove a point I don't, I've never we've gone past that, but I guess they were trying to prove a point. I don't, I've never seen this many toilets

in a single issue of Batman or any comic, to be honest. I have been reading comic books for 20 years and I have never seen this much human shit depicted on the pages of a comic book. This was intense. Dear editor, was this sort of like intended to be one of those even if you have ibs or one kidney you're still a superhero kind of issues but you did it wrong is that what happened were you trying to be inclusive but you you muffed it Is that what happened? All of the headlines in the BuzzFeed articles

are like, progressive colon wrong. The latest issue of Batman comics. Confusing and hard to read. Because I shit so much, I'm a superhero. That's the splash page of you. That's crazy. You don't even have IBS, but but for comics the comic never says apart from that splash page you need to shit extra at all in fact the whole thing was you have one kidney

and piss a bit more yeah this is meant to be about kidney awareness we were not sure yeah and also uh excuse me editor uh having one kidney doesn't mean that you piss more. It just means that, like, I guess it's just faster? Like, you need to piss faster, more frequently? I guess rather than... You don't have more piss in your body. That doesn't make any sense. No, yeah, yeah. It just kind of travels quicker.

Like, the body gets done faster. Is that what you're trying to... Honestly, I'm not a doctor, and I do not understand. Dear editor, not an interesting take on the Batman missiles. Please stop trying. I have read the last three comic books in this series and none of them have been interesting takes. Maybe it's time to move on.

Maybe Batman was a mistake. Maybe Batman's okay as he is You know So Overall how do we think we Batman begins I think we Batman begins With absolute passion Yeah

We did it Dear Plumbing the Death Star Well done That's what the editor here will say Hey I want everyone to just raise their hand And put it just behind their back And just gently Is that?

Is that? We're all just giving ourselves a nice little pat on the back there? I think it is Well done boys Another job done Another success And on that note I've been Catsmans.

I've been Joe Bat or Bat Chill or Bat Joe. It's unclear. I change it throughout the comic. And I've been, my superhero went unnamed, so I guess now is about time to name it. And I've been Pissman. Stay true, true believer.

Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all the other shows on the Sandspans Radio Network, just head to SandspansRadio.com and consider joining the Sandspans Plus community. There's over 20 bonus shows, a Sandspans video content and discounts on merch just head to sanspantsradio.com and follow the links