Plumbing the Death Star - Which Would be the Best Fictional Universe to Live in Live from the Sydney Comedy Fest (Feat. Gabriel Bergmoser, Zoe Bilotta, Dean Rankine, Ben Ellwood and Benny Davis)

Episode Date: June 25, 2017

In which our heroes gather their friends, take to the stage, and once again journey across the multiverse as we ask what is the best fictional universe to live in. Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradio Want to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradio Or individually at;Duscher: twitter.com/dusch13Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammitZoe: https://twitter.com/zoesanspants Gabe: https://twitter.com/gobergmoser Dean: https://twitter.com/DeanRankine Ben: https://twitter.com/BenEllwood11 Benny: https://twitter.com/bennymofodavis Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, Space Jam is the greatest sporting film of all time. Discuss? Hey everyone, this is a recording of our first live show at the Sydney Comedy Fest, recorded on the 6th of May with special guests Gabe Bergmoser and Zoe Bellotta from our sister podcast, Movie Maintenance and Shut Up A Second, respectively, Simpsons comic book artist Dean Renkin, comedian and host of Fuck Club, Dean Elwood, and Benny Davis from the podcast Dragon Friends. Jameson's comic book artist, Dean Rankin, comedian and host of Fuck Club, Dean Elwood, and Benny Davis from the podcast Dragon Friends.

We didn't have a mic for the audience, so apologies about that. Also, we didn't film it, so apologies for any visual gags. Hey everyone, and welcome to the very first Sands Pants Radio Comedy Festival show, a very special edition of Plumbing the Death Star. Woo! Woo! show, a very special edition of Plumbing the Death Star. We asked the important questions like, which would be the best fictional universe to live in? That's a

spooky, controversial. Controversial and I could tell everyone was like, this is weird without music. But before we go into that, we should probably get the rundown of the show. We've got a lot of special guests tonight. It's not just going to be the three of us in two empty chairs. As funny as that would be.

The whole night you're like, is someone else coming? No? No, no, no. We miscounted. Three is hard. You know what? You've got this.

Do I? I was waiting for you. All right. We're going to have a bunch of special guests tonight. But it's going to be kind of a round

robin situation. We're not going to keep everyone all on stage at once because that would be a lot of people and there's only another two microphones. So we've brought some

very special guests who you'll get to meet. Some will be familiar to you. Hopefully all of them are. And yeah, so what we're going to do is we're going to bring people out. They will then pitch their ideal fictional universe. Tell us what it is.

We'll be like, that's good. Or more likely we'll be like, yeah. That's bad. Bad idea. Get off stage. They'll argue their point for a bit. We'll decide if they stay on. And then we'll bring on the next guest. You will clap if you like them.

Boo if they don't. Or be polite and clap either way because we're all friends here. I wouldn't clap if someone said something I disagreed with. So do whatever you want, I guess. So with that said, I would say the best fiction universe that we're going to offer as a team. As a team.

Which is rare for the plumbing world. I know. We're on agreement here. Is the phenomenal movie, War Horse. So who here in the crowd tonight has seen War Horse? Wow. Good, good, good. A lot of War Horse.

A bit of War Horse. A bit of War Horse fan. A bit of War Horse love. Maybe not a lot. That got like an 80% better reaction than I was expecting. Long story short, it's set in World War Horse. A bit of War Horse fan. Maybe not a lot. That got like an 80% better reaction than I was expecting. Long story short, it's set in World War I, where, you know, well, first off, the Allies win, so that's good for us.

Spoilers. Spoilers. But it does follow the adventures of basically a magical horse. Yeah. It's not explicitly magical in the film, but then when you watch it You're like, clearly that horse is magic I'm just going to give you a list

Of things that this horse can do First off, it can control the weather And that's real impressive Because it needs to pull a plough Or it'll get beheaded or whatever Do we behead horses? If they're not doing their job Definitely during World War I times.

But it makes it rain, makes the ploughing easier for itself. And that's really good. It can understand human speech like that, which is a really good talent for a horse. It has an aura of just like, love me? That just sort of surrounds it. So if someone is like, I don't know about, oh, fuck, that horse is cool. It's a horse that's impossible to hate.

You know what I mean? It might hypnotize people. I'm not sure. But basically it has an aura of good or at least an aura of love. Proto-Nazis or like the Kaiser's lads. Whoever we were fighting in World War I. The fellas with the pointy helmets. Yeah.

Those blokes. Yeah. Yeah. It kind of cury helmets. Yeah. Those blokes. Yeah. Yeah. It kind of curses them. Yeah. Because every single proto-Nazi that either rides War Horse or, like, tries to kind of, like, interact with War Horse ends up dead. Yep. Even the good ones, which is real weird.

It's a bit of a cursed horse. A bit of a cursed horse. That sounds like a lot of a cursed horse. Yeah. Also, like, with the French, I'm not quite sure if War Horse likes the French or not. We can all relate to that. But it's hard to say. I would make a good argument that,

because he meets a sick girl. The horse? Yes. Spoilers, like, you know, she dies in the end. But, like, spoilers, whatever. I'm going. Shut up. Who here was like,

I'm going to go watch War Horse after this? None of you. Come on. So, like, I'm going to go watch War Horse after this? None of you, come on. So I would put forward a very strong argument that War Horse could have healed her, but chose not to. Because he was like, not sure how well you side on this thing. It does also alter chance. There's a beautiful scene where he almost brings the proto-Nazis and the Allies together because he gets trapped

in barbed wire, which is his kryptonite. But he's a powerful horse because he gets fucking destroyed by that barbed wire, but he's still alive. And then when he's taken out of it he's just like, shit, yeah, I'm good. And then they're like, well, who's going to keep War Horse? Because it's a magical horse. We want this.

And they flip a coin and you know that that horse is like, I don who's going to keep War Horse? Because it's a magical horse. We want this. And they flip a coin and you know that that horse is like, I don't want to end up with Nazis. Please don't. And you can kind of see a glint in its eye. And so then it goes with the Allies. There's a beautiful another scene, again,

where they finally bring it back to the Allies' camp and they're like, man, we've got sick people to feed. I'm going to shoot in the head. Going to behead this horse. He gets distracted, and he's like, no, I'm just not going to shoot it. And they keep trying to kill it, and then enough time passes where I'm pretty sure that War Horse has somehow, like,

psychically entered the minds of those around him to stop him from getting shot. And this is based on a true story, yeah? Yes. Yeah, sick. And you can see this, that War Horse does have different kind of levels of influence over people. Because like with Tom Hiddleston's character,

he just, he takes the War Horse like that, like straight away. He's just like, I need a horse. Fuck, that horse is good. He starts drawing pictures of the war horse. And one of his underlings is like, it's a fucking horse. It's just a horse. And he's like, no, we're looking after this horse. And he's like, whatever, fine.

So Tom Hiddleston's underling and war boy's dad, war dad, I guess, he also doesn't care for war horse. so they've got very strong willpower, but a lot of us just don't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm with you. This has been a five-minute monologue about a good horse. Now, Joel Zammett, tell everyone why it's a good universe. Now, I am a firm believer that when one thing happens,

that it's just not random. You've got to repeat yourself. It's a point of scientific stuff. Do you mean like our Freaky Friday thing? Once you get Freaky Friday, once you're going to get Freaky Friday a million times. It happens again. You've widened the hole. So clearly, horses

are magical. That horse widened that hole. Yep. Don't keep using it. Let's not make it a thing. Sanspence Radio, widen that hole. Yep, alright. So the horse got in there.

Just widened his magic hole. Wriggled his neck. Because in the film, not all horses are magical. Only some. But all horses can talk to other horses. That is true. So I was thinking, as a con of this universe, is that if horses can talk to other horses,

then horses can talk about what we do to horses. Yes. And, like, we do rough shit to horses. Oh, we do. We make them drag up, like, a whole tank. It's not good. Swiss people eat them. Yeah.

The horses are going to be conversing about the fact that we're eating them. Jackson, we're a team. Yeah, I know. Just saying. Yes, that is a problem of the horse uprising. I am very aware that this is a problem. However, five humans can't beat five horses.

But there's more humans than horses, so it's fine. And we've already established that the Kryptonite is barbed wire and we have a lot of barbed wire. And horses need us because they've got no thumbs. Warhorse was trapped in that barbed wire mesh for ages

and in theory, because he is invincible and probably isn't immortal, he would have been trapped there for so long. He needed our help to get him out there. Thank god we evolved thumbs. I know. That's amazing. Without this, we'd be dog shit. Really? The one thing separating

man from dog shit, thumbs. It is. So, basically War Horse is the best fictional universe to live in because horses are magic. Horses are magic and they can control the weather and potential outcomes of the war. I would argue

if War Horse had been able to get a meeting with like the Kaiser and who was the good guy in? Who's the Churchill of World War I? History people? Poor Zammett. The Queen. King. King speech. That was World War I. Oh it was. There we go.

We did it. Fuck I know history. Between the Kaiser and King's speech. That was World War I. Oh, it was. There we go. We did it. Between the Kaiser and King's speech. And if War Horse had been there, it would have just been like, well, flip a coin. And War Horse, using his powers, would have been like, there you go. Allies win.

I know that I said we're a team, and that's a very good point. I've just got one other con of living in War Horse. Do we explicitly see the end of the war in War Horse? We do. Oh, thank God, because I don't want to live in a world that's just World War I forever. Which is, again, another pro for War Horse. We won!

We won in real life. I don't know if we can give that to War Horse. I'm sure War Horse helped. He did. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure War Horse had a hoof in the war In our victory But I don't know If he's the sole

He has like a sense Of honour and pride Yeah okay He saves the black War Horse's life Yeah Or dies But like twice

It stops it There's that scene Where War Horse is like The black horse Is nearly dying There's a tank coming The black horse Is basically like

Come on mate Oh you gotta go away Leave me to die But War horse is basically like, Oh, you've got to go away. Leave me to die. But War Horse is like, I never will. But then he has to. But then Blackthorn is like, no. Blackthorn, that's the horse's name. And War Horse does.

It's beautiful. They started as rivals. You can't hear it because horses can't talk in this world, unfortunately. But you can't hear it. But there is kind of like a dialogue between them. What's amazing about War Horse is that there is like a kind of like a dialogue between them what's amazing about War Horse is that there is space

for the horses to talk in the film they have shot reverse shot where they're like the person talking horse reaction what person talking

and that's what my question was are there how many magic horses are we talking well I would say let's just use

like 10% I reckon 10% of horses I would kind of make it Lord%. I reckon 10% of horses. I would kind of make it look like kind of left-handed people. Oh, okay. It's kind of like, because not all horses are magic. A lot of horses do get mowed down. Yeah, that's true.

That's true. I reckon we see more than 10 die. I should say maybe 10%. Yeah, but that's what I mean. How lucky are you of a horse? If you're riding into basically a minigun with Tom Hiddleston on your back, he gets shot, but you keep going. That's a lucky fucking horse. You know what I like about the War Horse

universe, Samit, is that we see World War I, that's in the past, but say we enter an alliance with the horses. The third great power, the horses. Because we've got thumbs, and that's mad, but everything else about us is garbage.

But a horse is strong and fast. And thick. And thick. Strong neck. So imagine if we had a dialogue with the horses. We were like, well, look, you can plow a field. We can have that proper one-on-one that we're lacking in today's society. It's a utopia yeah a horse

utopia it's a horse utopia where man and horse are like thick as thieves working together best friends best friends man's best friend a horse that's what they've always said always said and also i guess it's nice to have an animal on the same level like at the top of the food chain with humans it's pretty lonely up here. So once you add horses to it, I think that makes life a bit better. By a bit better, I mean a lot better. In fact, this is the best fictional universe. Thank you.

Thank you. Are we done now? But I think about this. Now that we have magic horse and we know that they have clearly like amazing abilities, we could magic horse And we know that they have clearly amazing abilities We could then kind of utilise that Think about If you look into far future problems

If there's a nuclear waste land or whatever Usually it's a lad travelling around on a horse Horse travelling around on a lad Yeah And if that horse has powers That's going to be so easy Because water's going to be hard to find But if a horse can control the weather, imagine rain.

Imagine this. It's like a nuclear fallout, right? Like a wasteland. And you come across this filthy wasteland society and they're like, we've got to take you to the chief. And you're like, oh, okay. And then they open up the big tin shed and rusting on these filthy cushions is a horse.

And it just turns this big horse head to you. It'd be good. You're like, no, I'd bow down. I'd be like, fair enough, this is the horses community. Best part about that, you'd be like, oh, this isn't what I expected the horse would be like, no, they never do. And then you're like, really didn't expect that. Today's a day of surprises.

Give us a problem and War Horse I'm sure could fix it. What about the fact, okay, this is a problem with this universe, is that the War Horse arguably is better than us. We got thumbs. We got thumbs. We established this. And barbed wire, while it hurts, is not equipped tonight.

Plus we can jump. Horse can't. What? War Horse can't jump. That's a big thing thing He never learns to jump Well that's one magic horse Of all the magic horses And I reckon There may be a correlation

Between that Maybe the more powerful he has Like he is in his mind He just He loses in his shit legs Like the lord giveth with one Magic psychic powers Taketh with the other

Exactly Can't jump Like an X-Man kind of thing Like Charles Xavier But horse Cause he's like You have crazy good mind powers, but your leg's wrong. Bald horses.

No, that's... Oh, no. Okay. Hang on, hang on. Let me sell this with my eyes. Herein lies the rub. Is that when a horse gets crippled, we shoot it. But guns don't work on war horse.

That's true. A pleasant utopia before we bring out our first guest let's just quickly does anyone have a problem with War Horse not being the best fictional universe two hands have gone up too quick I don't like this let's go with the hand in the darkness

that I can barely see hi yep yep yep Hi. Yep. Yep. Well, that's what I'm a bit worried about, frankly. And again, we have their kryptonite, barbed wire. Or a gun.

Or a knife. But they might be like, and again, the worst possible solution here is they'll just enslave us. But we won't know it because they'll use their mind powers and we think they're great. You know what? I'm a slave, but I'm happy about it. The horse is doing this now. That's pretty good.

No, wait. We care for them. No, no, no. Wait a second. Give them a hay bale. Oh, man. No, but it doesn't matter because if horse science goes too far, like horse scientists, the first they're going to get is making centaurs.

And then that's okay because we're just people on horse bodies. They fuck up there. Eventually we'll all just be centaurs. Yeah! It's the perfect utopia. We'll hit a point where we're like, okay, we can talk so good. Shit legs. Right. I mean, for human legs, they're great. You get to keep your thumbs. That's good. Plus you get the

thickness of a horse. Perfect. Alright. I reckon one more con here before we bring out first guest. Alright. Wise. Wise boy. Very special. You brought a point about how the horse survives but Tom

Hills gets shot. He's a scrawny garbage British man. But here's my point. If the guns don't work on the horses they're going to kill they'll hit us. And so more or less we die around them, but the horses survive. But that's only if the horses have allied with some people. And then you're fighting the horse and they're people allies.

And then you kill the people and you've just got horses. There's only 10% of horses anyway. We'll get like 90 of them. And, idiots in Warhorse, Tom Hiddleston hasn't realised that barbed wire is a kryptonite. We have. We're better, Tom Hiddleston hasn't realised that Bob Weiser is a kryptonite. We have! We're better than Tom Hiddleston. I think realistically in this situation the horses just develop like space travel and live in a satellite.

Just orbit the planet and they're like, what's that? That's where the horses live. They got too advanced for us and left. Just a giant floating paddock in space. And that's perfect and the best fictional universe. And a good segue into bringing out our first guest of the evening, Zoe Bellotto.

I know you're going to want to sit there, but do me a favor and sit there. Gotcha. Not for a rude reason. You'll see in a second. Hi, guys. Hey, Zoe, so we've just pitched our obvious choice. You guys

invented Planet of the Horse. We did! The horses, they blew it up. Wait, no, man blew it up. Damn dirty heese. Anyway, Zoe, before you start talking shit, what was your best talking shit about us? You're gonna talk shit, what was your best

talking shit about us? You're going to talk shit, don't worry. One way or the other. Why did you invite me then? What is your choice of best fictional universe? And why do you think, why do you have the gall to come on stage and tell us that yours is better than War Horse?

So I went for my obvious choice, The Wire. Okay. No one is shocked or surprised. Good. And the reason that I picked The Wire, besides the obvious that it is probably the coolest universe to be in, I don't think anyone understands how extended The Wire universe is. Oh. Good. Oh.

I see what's happened. Zoe's trapped us. The old ten in one trick. Because the wire is actually part of the homicide universe. Okay. Which includes the law and order universe.

Oh no. No, there's a lot of crime happening. It's bad. Go on. We'll get to it. Let her speak. She's wrong, but let her speak. It's right.

It's right. Which also contains the X-File universe. Uh-huh. Also contains the 30 Rock universe. Uh-huh. Also contains the unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt universe. Right. That's good.

Wait. What else does it have? It's got a bunch, but those are the ones I'm going to. The Simpsons, apparently, according to someone that just yelled out in the crowd. Well, that wasn't part of my research, but thank you. You're lovely. Yes, so I wanted to actually talk. It's not actually the Homicide universe.

I've dubbed this universe the Munch Universe. Okay. Thank you, that one guy who knows what I'm talking about. What's a Munch Universe? All right. Explain. Everyone bar that one dude. Had you also seen War Horse?

Oh, God, you were going to be our favourite. Get him up. Oh, fuck. Oh, God, you were going to be our favourite. Get him up. Alright, so the Munch Universe is the Detective John Munch Universe. Okay. Who's he?

John Munch is a character that started in Homicide, but is most known for Law and Order SVU. So he's played by Richard Belsar. Ah, yeah. I know who you're talking about now. The tall old guy. Oh, yes. Always got who you're talking about now. The tall old guy. Oh, yes. Always got glasses on.

Always got glasses. Well, my first problem with your universe is, like Simon said, the amount of crime. A lot of crime. There's a lot of crime in this universe. A lot of crime

in the War Horse universe. There's wars. No, no, no, no. There's war. There's no crime. There's war crime. Yeah, war crime. Why, yeah, no,

there's mustard gas. It's pretty bad. World War I was atrocious, man. Yeah, I know. There's a lot of It's pretty bad. World War I was atrocious. We don't talk about it. What we do talk about is how good... Also, the X-Files universe. So, Detective John Munch.

Which is a great name. Or an awful name. Whoever you ask. Crossed Over is actually the highest, like the most ever crossed over character through TV. Yeah. So he extends all the universes by existing in all of them. Yeah.

So he guest in an episode of The X-Files. Oh, yeah. It was one of the Lone Ranger episodes. So you're testing my... Oh, Jesus. Okay. It was a crossover. They did a crossover with Homicide.

That's how The X-Files gets involved. Uh-huh. He was in an episode. He was in season five, episode seven of The Wire. God damn. Are you sure? Okay. But you judge me.

Are you sure? That doesn't sound very specific. Can you give us the time stamp, please? Can you give me the quote? No, no. Okay. My only... He's in the Muppets.

So he's in the Muppets. No, I don't want to live in the Muppets world. Hey, the Muppets. Wait. The wire. Wait a second. All right. But my main argument, like, look, look I'm gonna say The Munch universe

Is a vast And amazing universe It's extensive Oh it's terrifying You went for a horse A horse I can understand What's a mop? A magic horse

Magic horse A mop it's a magic I don't wanna live in a world With a stretchy Liver eating guy It's a thing I like that I like that

I like in this world There's like a terrible Alien conspiracy Yeah And Kermit the Frog He's trying to get a Bloody show off thing? I like that. I like that. I like in this world there's like a terrible alien conspiracy. And Kermit the Frog, he's trying to get a bloody show off the ground and he's struggling. Isn't the world ending in the X-Files? In the X-Files it's like the truth is out

there but then fucking, what, are Muppets just walking past as well? The truth is out there. It's how we do it. It's how we do it. I would love the X-Files if they were just Muppets. That's what the aliens are, just Muppets. Gonzo was an alien and a Muppet. There you go. X-Files, back in full circle.

Whose team am I on? I don't know. My team because it's the winning team. It's the losing team. There's no horse. Well, there's probably horses, but they're no good. There's actual horse Muppets. Yeah, that's pretty good.

I'm real focused on the Muppets. Yeah, anyway. I didn't come in with any Muppet facts. I'm focused on the Muppets and the, that's pretty good. I'm real focused on the Muppets. Yeah, anyway. I didn't come in with any Muppet facts. Okay, apart from this giant connecting worlds. The Munchverse. Of the Munchverse, yes. Just focusing on the wire. It's like just, there's so many like.

No, no, no. I was getting there. I was getting to the wire and why the Munchverse. You can't move. You're so rude. We are rude boys. Rude, rude. So the important thing about the Munchverse is that it also, while containing the wire,

contains Luther. Uh-huh. So yeah, one dude knows what I'm thinking about. Yes. We're going to be friends later. He's from the future. He's seen this show. He's like, I'm going to travel back in time

and I'm going to know all the cues. He's like, I saw this show and all they spoke about was just weird, obscure stuff that no one's thought about. I'm going to be that one guy in the audience that knows exactly what's going on. Waste of your time traveling abilities. Go on. You could have gone back to World War I

to visit War Horse and you came to see our show again instead. It's his choice. Let it be. I guess. Anyway. That's fair. Back to your garbage choice.

What? Okay, so we got Luther. Luther. Yeah. Which, as some of you may know, stars the incomparable Idris Elba. He's a handsome boy. He's a handsome boy. Gotta love Idris.

That one guy clapped again. Good. Yes. Thank you, my one friend. Oh, no. I will stop calling you out now because otherwise you're just going to keep doing it even though you don't get the references. Okay.

So we got Idris Elba. Yeah. Idris Elba. Also the star of the first two seasons of The Wire. Okay. So in this universe, there are two Idris Elbas. Correction, Zoe. There's one Idris Elba and one dead Idris Elba.

Spoilers. Fuck, I didn't think about that. I really liked when you were like, two Idris Elbas. It was like you'd solved a math problem. Like you should have flipped around a big chalkboard that had like your work in it. One Idris Elba plus another is fucking two, mate.

If the munchverse contains... That was like your back to the... Sorry, you go. Rude. I was going to make a four out of ten joke. And now I will and it's going to be like a three now because I've had to stop.

I was going to be like, that was like your back... Let's get it down to a one. because I've had to stop. I was going to be like, that was like your back... Because I was here the entire time. It's going to be so... Let's get it down to a one. It's fucking real close. It's not even a joke. I was just going to be like, that was like your Back to the Future 2 bit where Doc Brown's like,

you know, two timelines and... Two albums. One out of ten I'm so excited I did it So I'm purely picking the Munchverse Because there is a lot of double up On a lot of my fav actors

Are there any more Idrises? Idrises Was Idris Elba ever on the Muppets? Oh you know what I reckon he might have been He was definitely on an episode of Sesame Street. That's connected to them all. Three Idris Elbas.

Three Idris Elbas. Two Idris Elbas, one dead Idris Elba. Oh my god, it doesn't make him not an Idris Elba. But it makes him dead. Like, I exist, but if I was dead, you'd be like, there's no Joel. like, he existed.

I would be like, I miss when I knew a Joel Dush. But he's not Joel anymore. I don't know who he is. He's just some guy. My grave just has a question mark. I'm pretty sure it was Joel Dush, but now I'm hard to say. Now that he's dead, how can we tell?

I like that the tombstone changed. Magic like horses. Okay. Okay. So you have two Idris Elba. Let's call it three Idris Elbis. Three Idris Elbis. That's fine.

Let's call it two and a half. Two and a half Idris Elbas. You have three Tina Fey's. Oh, that's good. That's good. I like Tina Fey. She's all right. Three Dean Winters Who's my personal

No one knows who that is You're all under the age of 20 I don't even know who that is Okay so on Homicide Yep There's a character Dean Winters Got his break on Homicide

Then went on to star in Oz Uh huh Yeah one girl That's new best friend Sorry Then went on to Law and Order SVU Playing Detective Brian Cassidy And then went on to Most famously and Order SVU, playing Detective Brian Cassidy,

and then went on to most famously play Dennis Duffy on 30 Rock, Liz Lemon's shitty ex-boyfriend. Oh, okay. Oh, my gosh. Okay, yeah, but... Oh, him! Him! That is my favourite actor. So that was, like, for me, better. So your favourite universe is a universe

with a lot of doppelgangers of handsome people. You know twins are a thing, yeah? Well, the handsome people I like aren't twins. But they're not twins here. They're not related at all. No, they're just the same people. It's doppelgangers, but some are evil, some are good, some are not.

Some are dead. You're just like doubling up, I guess. I'm a greedy, greedy girl. Are you the only person that's aware they're different people? I mean, that they're the same person. If Luther met his self in the Sesame Street,

because he's, I don't know, Luther's self in crime, there's been a Muppet homicide and Luther's coming by and he sees Idris Elba learning about the letter A, is he going to be like, what the fuck is this? Also, just quickly, I know why you've picked this, but you live in Australia. Where are all of these

things set, Zoe? I guess in New York and in London. Yeah. So you could be living that right now and just not know. I don't think we could be living in a world with three Idris Elbas. One's dead. There's only two. Well, even with two Idris Elbas, we'd be aware.

That's too much. It's too handsome. The world would implode. Okay. So your world is just a world of doppelgangers where aliens exist. Muppets just roam around. I didn't bring up Muppets. That dude brought up Muppets. By the very nature of your argument, we've got to have Muppets. Also brought up Muppets by the very nature of your argument we gotta have Muppets

also The Simpsons is happening also The Simpsons is somewhere I really want and like it's impossible to have but wouldn't it be great

to have like early episodes of The X-Files but just like all the background extras are just some of them are Muppets like from like

a little coffee kiosk it's just a little Grover motherfucker giving them coffees I just like I just keep imagining them being like the truth is out there and pointing up and then having like Kermit run past in the front and they just keep imagining them being like the truth is out there

and pointing up and then having Kermit run past in front and they just miss him in tight. Just totally unaware that Muppets are a thing. Even though in the Muppets

everyone knows about the Muppets. So they're just real bad secret agents. Incompetent. One thing I do like about The Wire though is their take on the drug problem.

That's pretty good. There's a lot of crime. We'll bring it back to The Wire. Not just the munch first but the thing about The Wire is when you... You're talking about season three, where they've got Amsterdam. So what they do in The Wire is that

for a certain area, like it's like a two block radius, they legalise crime. Not legally. Purge style! They legalise drugs. They're not legalising murder. Like if I had a southern fried chicken shop. We do our chicken purge style. Kind of purge. They legalize drugs. They're not legalizing murder. Like I might if I had a southern fried chicken shop. We do our chicken purge style.

Purge style. Kill it yourself with a gun. It didn't work. It did work until the media. Yeah, the media found out and then the media was like, meh. And then we find out in season five that the media is like, meh, the whole time. And so the whole thing about the wire is like Idris Yes.

Idrisis. Handsome. Two of. End of argument. Warhorse, I would say he's a little bit more handsome than Idris. What horse are you looking at? The Warhorse.

He looks fucking majestic next to a setting sun. And also, we can ride war horse probably without any issues. We could ride Idris and it'd be all right. I mean, sick. Good note. Yeah, and just like one last con before, well, just, and this might break you.

What's your favorite thing in the world at the moment? The Wire? Yeah, The Wire. Yeah, all right. And do you know what won't exist if The Wire is real life? It'd be a documentary. Or boring. It just wouldn't be a show.

It wouldn't be a show. I love documentaries. I'd be having a great time. The Wire doesn't exist. The Simpsons doesn't exist. You've just wiped out all of pop culture. No, it still does exist. Oz, I'm all right with it.

Got us there. Got us there. Zoe watches Oz and hangs out with two Idris Elbis. Plus Oz. Best universe. And a dead one. Three. Bang.

I win. End of show. All right. All right. All right. Well, since there is only, well, there's a spare chair, and you've got no one to compete with except War Horse at the moment. But I won that.

You're currently sitting at least equal first, maybe second. We'll decide that later. How about you come sit here, and then we'll introduce our next guest. I'd love to. And then we can hear how their universe is better than yours. Now I understand why you made Zoe swap. Yeah, see? I was very confused. I was like, what's he doing? What's his plan?

Did you smell? No, because then it would have Like a little bit ethnic, but it's fine. Garlicky. Garlicky. I was smelling you on the bus. That's pretty accurate. Yeah. She asked me to. I was like, do I smell real? Because I smell like my nonna's house. And I was like, what's that smell like? So I smelled Zoe on the bus. That's pretty accurate. She asked me to. I was like, do I smell real? Because I smell like my nonna's house.

And I was like, what's that smell like? So I smelled Zoe on the bus. It's not weird. We're all friends. It's fine. We smell each other all the time. Give your mates a sniff. See what they smell like? You don't know yet. You've never lived until you've smelled your friend. It'll be alright.

Alright, on that note, I'll introduce our second guest of the evening, Dean Rankin. Woo! Come on down. Hey, Dean. Hi. Alright, so you've got to compete with War Horse and...

The Munchverse. I was there in the audience, I was thinking, oh shit, I really didn't study hard enough. It's alright, I've got this, I've got this. I'm going to lose. If it makes you feel any better, I didn't study, that's just information I know. The audience helped.

They just yell things out. You got distracted, I was not talking about this. I feel like half of Zoe's neural pathways are the Munchverse. And it's like interlocking television programs. Okay, can I talk about my journey? All right. Here's my journey to, so I really like Star Wars. Star Wars, that'd be a cool universe.

There's cool things happening. Like it's like, you know, sort of evil overlord that I'm wanting to destroy. Yeah, that's a bummer. Might as well just be here. And then I thought, Star Trek. Because they have cool pantsuits. Fuck, they look comfy.

And also, we don't kill each other anymore in Star Trek. It's a common humanity. We love each other. We go to distant planets and kill them instead. That would be cool. And they also have Idris Elba. They do. Yes.

No, no. That's not in the munchverse. I was really happy with what I came up with before, but now I'm a little bit nervous, but let me present it to you. All right, I'm excited. Hang on, just a reminder, we picked War Horse. That's currently winning. This might be a shallow reason.

Okay. My ideal fictional world to live in is the 1968 film Barbarella. Oh! Giant limit! Because pretty much everyone in the film gets to sleep with Jane Fonda in 1968. So...

Is that the one with giant women or not? Am I thinking of something else? And I really can't argue too much about it because I hardly remember the film. But I saw it on Channel 10 when I was really young and it had quite the impact on me. I remember

she was having sex with an angel guy. Has anyone seen it? One guy, I guess. It's a different guy this time though. Thank God. A fairy guy. She gets put into a machine. Cool.

I'm going to use the term orgasminator. Okay. That's cool. That's the official term. She's got a sweet gun. Is that the orgasminator? Yeah. Whoa.

Is that a metal bikini? So is this a fictional universe where every single human being in, when was it? 1968. If you're around in 1968, you can have sex with Jane Fonda. Yes, if you want.

That's alright. Yes. And I see no downside. Who's the villain of Barbarella? I don't remember. The machine we put her in? I feel like I should have prepared. I should have spoken to you about it before,

about what my idea was. No, no, no, no. At least you could have, like, you know, swatted up and seen the film. It's worth it. One guy, it's worth it. She wears a tank top and she's an alien. Like, that's the movie?

Fuck yeah. There's not a lot of depth to it. Barbarella is also the one that starts with her getting dressed in space, right? I'm going to say yes because no one's going to argue with me that I'm wrong. That's the one. The synopsis is just

Barbarella roams 41st century space with her blind guardian angel, Pygar. You know what I like about... That doesn't help. Can I say, it's fucking awesome. You don't need more than that. What I like about you...

It's one of those films you don't watch for the plot. Hang on. First off, we get to sleep with Jane Fonda in 1978, if you want. Super good. Also, 1968 Jane Fonda. Even now I'd hit it. Who wouldn't? Hey, who's Ruby? Hey. Also, 1968, Jane Fonda. Yeah. Like, even now, I'd hit it. Oh, who would? Fair.

Hey, who's Ruby, hey? Oh, yeah. But, yeah, so, yeah, go on. But also, it was, like, 41st century, so humans are still kicking. Oh, that's good news. We won. Yes. We beat the inevitable death.

Yeah. Whatever cosmic... Rise of the horse. Exactly. Planet of the horse, we got through it. There were certain like, you know, like wind aliens that you could, you know, flying,

like, you know, Flash Gordon-ish. But with more sex. So it says she has a blind guardian angel. Is that like a biblical angel? Is this also a world where we're like, gods exist? Not only can we fly around or in space and beat the horses, God.

God exists. Go with that. I really wish I'd seen the film recently. At least one or two notes that I could answer any of your questions. We can extrapolate and make lies about this film. I'm going to say no. Oh, okay. Not a real guardian angel, like a metaphorical guardian angel.

Unless no one's arguing with me, no. It's not one of those ones. That seems reasonable. It's a different kind. I feel like also if we had angels. Who likes to get it on? If we had angels, they probably wouldn't be blind anyway. If you're like one of God's fellas, you'd think he'd let you see.

Unless you did something real wrong, like had sex with Jane Fonda in 1968. But apparently everyone can do that, so I guess it's not wrong. Or is it kind of like, your body's too pure, I can't see it, and I'm just going to step on it. Maybe.

Honestly, who knows? Who knows at this point? What? I mean, space travel exists, and that's sick, because I don't know if I've mentioned to you guys before, but I have some positive feelings towards space. Yeah, you're fond of it.

Like, going there would be all right, I guess. I don't like that we're not around. You in particular? Yeah, well, let's say us five. We're not there. That sucks. At least I can imagine myself there. I'm so excited to not be there.

Have you seen Jane Fonda in 1968? No, I'm just excited for death. Yeah, one guy. Dying. He knows. I like Xam is just doing really quick research, looking it up here. I keep seeing his face.

Have I wrecked it? I feel like I've wrecked the whole thing. No, no, no. She's doing it with her lips and thigh. This is how it works? It is called the orgasmatron. Thank you. Who doesn't want to live in that world? Is it a machine?

Wait, is it just called the orgasmatron or does it cause orgasms? It's called the orgasmatron in French, but still. La. Does it cause...ms. Because like a world where we have a machine that causes orgasms, I mean like we kind of already do. Vibrators, flashlights, hands. Hands? Not a machine. The human being is the best machine.

He's a bit around a... You got me there, I guess. Furiosa does The human being is the best machine. He's a bit around that. Mad Max, Keely Road. You got me there, I guess. Furiosa does have one machine hand. I don't like that it's been several centuries and the outfits are basically just silver knee-high boots. Show us. That's kind of all right, though. No, that's good.

We need that face. Does that mean everyone's fit? Everyone looks good? She's in shape, I guess. But there's no guarantee that we will be. There's like us in gold bikinis behind her looking all flabby. Well, see?

Look at this dude. He ripped his. Looks like Sting from June. But are they just the people that survived? Oh God, the strong would survive. Are we all dead because we're not ripped muscly blonde guys? Do we become the people from WALL-E? Yes. There's like a hairy hairy

woodsman or something. I could do that. That's alright. For some reason I've just decided I need to find a way to fit into this world. I'm like, that's my job. I want to have sex with James Fonda too. I want to have sex with James Fonda now. What's my role? What's my role. I want to have sex with Jane Fonda too. I want to have sex with Jane Fonda now. What's my role?

What's my role in Barbarella? Alright, so I can't really think of many cons at the moment except that we mightn't be there to experience it. She's a beautiful astronomer-nomatrix? Sick. Astronaut dominatrix. So we've got astronauts and dominatrix.

I'm in. At some point in human history, we decided, you know what, fuck it, let's just combine them. We were like, our astronauts are already having dom sex with people, why not just make a new job? Can we do that with all careers, though? Just combine two. Wait a second.

Oh, no. It's spacecrafts though, man, it's alright. Yeah, that's cream of it. Wait a second. She receives an urgent call on a monitor from none other than the president of Earth. There's a president of Earth. That could be me. That's me.

But a one world order. That's bad. It's me, though, so it's fine. But a one world order could be good. Yeah, because like... My vice president will be a horse. When was the last time someone nominated a horse for a thing and it went wrong?

Definitely not in Roman times, and don't call me Caligula. But did that horse make any bad decisions? Well, yeah, I was going to say, arguably, like, a horse can't make a bad decision, because a horse can't make a decision. Horses are pure and never wrong. I'm sure there's a horse in Barbarella.

Oh fuck, I hope she rides a horse in space. No, no, no. Like... Oh wait, hang on. There's a ray that could end humanity. That exists and I don't like it. Nuclear bombs exist in real life. But that's not a ray.

But a ray's cooler. If I'm going to die, I'd prefer a ray than a bomb. A ray you can see coming. Yeah, and like there's a threat of a ray. Plus not a ray. But a ray's cooler. If I'm going to die, I'd prefer a ray than a bomb. A ray you can see coming. Yeah, and there's a threat of a ray. Plus, a ray will make a cool sound. This movie sounds amazing. What do bombs make? Huh? What do bombs make?

I don't know. I'm exploding. I'm just reading a paragraph. Inside the wreckage, she is tied up as several children emerge from the ship. They set out several dolls, which have razor-sharp teeth. As the dolls begin to bite her, Barbarella faints, but she is rescued by Mark Hand, the catchman. Mark Hand, the catchman?

Looking for errant children. Mark Hand, the catchman? There's errant children in space. Who gives a fuck? There is a guy called Mark Hand, the catchman, that I cannot help but imagine has one giant hand that he uses for catching. And when she's rescued, Barbara's like,

fucking, this is great. I'd have sex with Mark Hand, the catchman. I'd be like, are you the one they call the catchman? Yes, I am. What do you think, Jackson? Well, you don't have to worry about If you're a pitcher or a catcher in that situation Yeah because it's pretty clear

It's in the title Tell me what else happens In bottom row There's someone called Dildano Dildano? She's rescued by Dildano He leads the resistance There's a resistance

Resistance to what? The Death Ray or whatever. Don't worry about it. He can't resist a Death Ray. He can't be like, we'll fight off against that Death Ray. There's a Death Ray. It got you. It's a ray. This just sounds like a better version of Star Wars.

I used to like Star Wars, but now I think I hate it and I like this better. I think I'm a big fan of Bob Riller and Mick Hand the Catchman or whatever his name was. Mike, not Mick. How did I forget it and I like this better. I think I'm a big fan of Bob Roller and Mick Hand the Catchman or whatever his name was. Mike, not Mick. How did I forget it? Mark Hand. Mark Hand. Like Mark Strong, but Hand.

I like to think he's the Luke Skywalker. He's a Mark Hamill, Mark Hand. He's the Hand Solo. Yes! From the looks of it, I think it is an angel. Really? Found by a blind angel.

So, like, God exists. Yeah, well, that's good. That's a plus. And you can travel to different space places and have sex with Jane Fonda. Have we found a single con except for the guy that yelled out crabs? No, I see hands. I see hints. Can you only have sex with a con?

Who cares? I don't think anyone's going to get sick of that. Ever. There's a long wait in between farts. Exactly. You've got to go through the whole world. It's your turn again.

In response, I did watch the preview relatively recently, and I'm pretty sure there was a pleasure palace. So, no, not just. Also, Jane Fonda can get through at least five people at once. I don't want to be involved in that. You're calling Jane Fonda a whore? What? No, like she can just take weird stuff.

Five at once. Someone said cloning. Let's go with that. Stop making hand gestures. No, no, no, no, no. Five mics on stage. I got an idea. No.

This just became performance art way too quickly. All right. Is that the same guy? All right. You retracted your last question. I guess you get a free pass for another one.

Okay. Let's see the... Yep. She's the Red Bull. She's Red Bull. Oh, my God. She's amazing. She's amazing. She's amazing.

He's done it. He's done it. He's done it. Oh my god. Does it just fix you? Like will I get my bull back? Like at point of orgasm I just hear like a

Yes! Fuck we've all got broken shit. You had you know cancer and you've only got one bull now. But it'll come back back I'll get another kidney Fuck I'll be able to drink so much I'll reclaim my youth Those migraines will be gone I thought that related to my ovary

I was like what Are you taking my ovary for experiments What is this Gotta have my fetus Stem cells Let's go to your con, because your pro was phenomenal. Yep.

Sure. I think it's just if you were around in 1978 or 68, then you can. But if you're around in 1978 or 68, then you can. But if you're around in the 41st century, you can. Anywhere in between, like us schmucks, we're out of luck. Well, we can still technically have sex with Jane Fonda if she's okay with it.

Oh, that's true. Present day Jane Fonda. Nothing's stopping that. Except permission. Except for Jane Fonda. Of course. Present day Jane Fonda. Except permission. Except for Jane Fonda. Of course. Prison day, Jane. Call me.

One hand over here. Yes. Yes. That's true. I don't even need Bob Riley. Look, you're very busy with all of that. You know what? Don't worry about the death ray.

I got this bad boy. I'm sad that we don't live in a world where you punched away an astronaut who's finally back to Earth and you're like, no. You're going for another round, son. That was an obscure reference, so I'll just quickly explain it.

So if the world's ending with an asteroid heading towards Earth... There's three options. There's three options. Okay, so I'm going to head to the point of impact. I'm going to try and punch that asteroid away. One, all of humanity's wiped out when the asteroid hits. No one knows I tried to do it. Everyone's dead anyway.

Two, the asteroid doesn't kill everyone and I'm the guy who tried to save the world. Three, it works. Hero. It's a win-win-win situation. So, round of applause. Who thinks... Thank you for clapping.

Thanks for clapping. Come on, what's wrong with you? Who thinks Barbarella is a better universe than, like, the trash wire? Now, Idris. Wait. Now, the multiple Idris theory. Multiple Idris. Oh, that was close.

Barbarella. Idrisis. I think that's Barbarella. Sorry, Zoe. Thanks for playing, Zoe. Everyone, give her a round of applause. Thank you very much. Yeah, you can move up.

Move up. Rock and roll. This is all right. We did it. Musical chairs and a podcast. You guys are in for a real treat. Dinner and a show. I feel like I got validated.

Yeah, you did. I like that you came on, you weren't confident, and now you're going to fucking walk out of here head high being like, I did it. I can't go to the walk. It's basically the equivalent of two kids in class. One hasn't done the assignment, but it's just good at bullshitting.

One person's coming in there like, here's my thousands of papers. The teacher's like, no. Whatever. Fuck it. I think we'll learn a very important lesson. Alright, and speaking of important lessons, I'm going to introduce our next... That was not a good segue, but let's And speaking of important lessons, I'm going to introduce our next guest.

That was not a good segue, but let's all pretend that it was. I'm going to introduce our next guest, Benny Davis. Benny! Keep clapping. Keep clapping. Benny!

Oh, yeah! Holy fuck! Hey, yeah. Thanks. Yeah, yeah. I was definitely being professional and being backstage because you definitely told me I was third and not fourth, which, yeah, we'll talk about that later.

That was like a magic trick. I was like, misdirection. Yeah, and definitely the other guy is not waiting back there to go on. I don't know. I don't know. It's real good. Because that's what we organized in the back of the room. All right.

Thank you. Hey, thank you very much, CJ. I'm throwing your way. Everything's coming up, Matty. Hi, thanks for the intro. I'm Benny Davis. Yep. Woo! All right, Benny, because, thanks for the intro. I'm Benny Davis. Yeah. Woo!

All right, Benny. Does anybody know who I am? Yeah? Oh, okay, great. Sorry, just no one's getting an intro, so I'm just like, fuck, I hope someone's heard of us. I guess that's on me.

Oh, no. You come on our show Talk shit No that's fair I'm just getting started My feelings are braced to be hurt Why are Sydney people so mean? Hey hey

Because the traffic's fucked And the city's not designed And it's really hard to get places It's very hot all the time Weirdly humid I understand. Why are you applauding that?

You should all move, then the housing prices will go down. What are you excited by? I don't understand. What's good here? Yeah, everything's fucked. It's so much fun. Before the show turns into a riot,

Betty, what is your best fictional universe? Okay, the one I've shown... Well, I should say first, I immediately gravitated towards Disney's Robin Hood. Oh! Just sexy fox, man! It seemed really cool.

There's no people, and all the animals can talk. And I realized if I or anybody were in there, you'd be immediately enslaved. You'd be a freak of nature. You'd be the only thing that looked like us. So yeah, that's not going to work. Based on the guidelines of the weirdly specific hypothetical that we're making. Absolutely. I want to live in a universe

that exists way in the future that's got someone from the past who was hot back then, but, oh, but I wouldn't be alive. It's like, what the fuck? Like, we're making shit up, and you're like, oh, but technically my lifespan... You've got to have some rules. You're just there.

Benny, we don't make the rules. We just enforce them. You do? Okay, whatever. So I have gone with the Michael Jackson vehicle from 1988, Moonwalker. Does anybody? The obscure reference. I was hoping for that.

This felt like Google whack for fictional universes. So I'm kind of glad to have had the least amount of applause. What's the benefit there? Well... Actually, wait. What is it? Okay, so it's kind of a movie. It's mostly just, like, the first half of it is basically just music videos

except this is in a universe where Michael Jackson's definitely not, you know, he's still a really talented guy and he lived the life he did except everything else was fine. And none of that happened. Macaulay Culkin said he didn't do it. Yeah, which is exactly why at the beginning of this movie he's allowed to do clips like reenactments

of the bad clip except with kid versions of everybody. And it's fine. And it's totally fine that he does that in that movie. And then, okay, but then the second half of the movie is like the weirdest insight. I watched it as a kid a bunch and I was like, yeah, this is cool because I'm an idiot.

And then I see it as an adult recently and I'm just like, this is the saddest insight into who the guy was and what he wanted the world to be because there's this story, this weird narrative written by him about how Joe Pesci is this horrible drug dealer who's trying to get kids hooked on heroin and he's hanging out with these three kids

who are his best friends, but it's fine and then he saves them and the rest of the world from Joe Pesci by turning variously into a car and then a spaceship and then a 30s criminal to do the smooth criminal clip.

And then all he has to do is scream and all the guns break and the glass shatters. And I just think it'd be really nice to live in a universe where all your problems can be solved by Michael Jackson yelling. So... Fuck, that was good. That was well-timed.

Because I recently watched the Smooth Criminal clip and didn't you just make a guy disappear into dust? Yeah, yeah He was a bad guy You've given Michael Jackson too much power Who's Michael Jackson to say who lives and dies? Well, in this world he's not a pedophile

Well, that is maybe He's still Captain Ape When you hit over the age of 12 you're dead so well that is maybe he's still really bad Logan's run once you hit over the age of 12 you're dead I don't know

what that is Logan's run was a very deep cutting Logan's that's not not compared to the shit

we've been talking about apparently it was nobody knows Logan's run everybody remembers Barbarella sure

but Michael Jackson even if he wasn't a pedophile in this world or he wasn't a pedophile in this world, or he isn't a pedophile, he still kept bubbles for a long time.

He's still like a weird dude. I don't think that's in the movie. All that stuff kind of covered up.

That's what's so great about it. It's like, I grew up as a huge Michael Jackson fan, and then you

find out what creepy is, and you're just like, the songs are still cool. They're real good. But none of that happened in the movie world because he's just like, no, I'm just a normal person who can turn into a spaceship

and scream a bunch. And a car. So, alright. So this is a universe that a guy can scream and guns can break. Michael Jackson specifically. Michael Jackson. But like a good version of Michael Jackson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like hero Michael Jackson. Bizarro Michael Jackson. Bizarro Michael Jackson. Who can't become a car. Who can turn into

a car. And so, could this mean if and when he has children, that those powers then go into them? So you'd kind of have like a dynasty of Jacksons who can turn into cars, spaceship and scrimp. The Jackson 1. I feel like this is a rule of the universe that we're kind of making up. Sure. Yeah.

Let's go with it, definitely. Because then you're making a Michael Jackson-ocracy. He can inseminate children with his special powers. Yep. What? What? It's a perfectly applicable verb. Jesus. He's the good version of Michael Jackson.

There's nothing weird happening. In the Moonwalk universe. He's not the real version of Michael Jackson. Fine. Macaulay Culkin was right in this universe. Yeah. Macaulay, look was right in this universe. Yeah. Macaulay, look, let's not even. He's not on trial here.

There's a bunch of other cool shit that happens in the clips. Like he turns in, no, wait, does he turn into a rabbit or is he facing off with a rabbit? Ben, you've seen it, haven't you? Do you remember that bit? He turns into a rabbit. A claymation rabbit. It's sick.

It's so sick. And yeah, the effects are amazing. He's the best production behind it because richest musician in the world at the time. So the benefit of this universe is that Michael Jackson has these powers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't really see how that affects me.

No, it's because Michael Jackson... You said he saves the world. Yeah, yeah. But doesn't he not just fight the human goblin Joe Pesci? The world in this is just the three locations that they filmed on. It's just the park and that underground

bit where the drug dealers are. And then the home where there's a happy ending. So he gets rid of all the drugs? Well, heroin specifically. That's alright. Everything else he was probably doing. They don't cover that up, which means that if he's on it,

then you get to be on it as well. Oh, okay. I mean... So this is a world where I can be on heroin. No. Because Michael Jackson's on heroin? No, no, no, no, no, no. You can't be on heroin because you got rid of it,

but like everything else is on it. Oh, okay. So I can be on meth. Yeah. So I can be methed up Watching Michael Jackson drive a Corvette around as a rabbit I mean that's good He can enter a rabbit, a car

That's not like a bad thing Yeah I know Would he be our new king? He'd be our new god frankly I mean he is already the king of pop or whatever we call him So I guess it wouldn't be hard to transition From king of pop to king of pop or whatever we call him. So I guess it wouldn't be hard to transition from king of pop to king of the world. I've been wondering.

We'd worship him, surely. If a man could turn into a car, you'd worship that man. Yeah? Yeah? Depends on the car. Fuck off. Any man turns into a car in front of me, I'm like, new God, what do you got?

What do you need me to do? There's absolutely 100% proof this man was turning into a car. This wasn't some David Blaine bullshit or like Copfield being like, oh,, what do you got? Like, if there was just like, absolutely 100% proof that this man was turning into a car, this wasn't some David Blaine bullshit or like, Copfield being like, ah, it's illusions. It was like, no, no, he turned into an actual car. I would be like, you are clearly a different being. Yep. You have sent here from the heavens. Are you Jesus? Are you a Jesus man? Did Jesus have a

second coming, but this time he can become like, these miracles are for a new age. And you wouldn't worship that. Water into wine, no one gives a shit. Watch me become a car. Yeah, I hadn't really considered any of that before. But no, no, no. But now that I'm presented with it,

obviously that's how collaboration works. Yeah, well, I mean... And yes. Oh, okay. Yeah, I would worship... But also, in the movie, he's a really benevolent guy who's just like, I want everyone to be happy, especially the children, and I've got to look after them.

But it's fine. It's fine. It was a different one. It was a pure one. Do you think we'd live a happy life under the rule of the immortal Jackson God? None of us exist in that universe. I think that's the other good thing about it. None of you.

There's a cast of six leads and the rest are stormtroopers led by Joe Pesci. Yeah, it's a very limited universe. Joe Pesci in the end? I think his head explodes, yeah. Oh, thank God. Pretty sure, like, shatters into glass. That might be worth it, just for that. Oh, definitely.

Just a lot of screaming. Joe Pesci's a man's a goblin. I'm not trying to deflect or anything, because I didn't think this through. But can we go back to the thing about the Munch universe? Sure, sure. Because this is a bugbear of mine and also... Zoe, you got verted off stage.

It's just... Okay, so I have a huge dilemma and not in a small part because a friend of mine who is like obsessed with it... Zoe? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But no, no, no. But for the opposite reason. In that universe, if you're hanging out, you know, and I don't know why you are, but you're hanging out with Idris Elba and the real life Idris Elba that we know.

And you're watching Thor or The Wire or anything else that exists in that universe, even though we've established the TV shows couldn't possibly, aren't you going to be like, you know you guys look really similar? That's like the ludicrous Fast and the Furious problem. Ludicrous is in Fast and the Furious as a character, but they play a ludicrous song in the second Fast and the Furious. So in that universe,

who wrote that song? Yes! That's the problem! Was it ludicrous that's another guy that just struck on the same idea so um yeah my friends made a catalog of the kind of movies that you can watch where there's a famous person who is playing themselves so like i don't know why eric banner popped into my head but sure good let's go with him and he's playing himself in the movie for some reason and then like incredible hulk his version of it is just on a shelf in a video store or in someone's house, doesn't that mean that

nothing else works in that universe? Because people are going to be like, oh, that's you, but they answered this in the last action hero. No kidding. They did too. My goodness. Twist. Alright, the last action hero, another obscure film.

That one guy again is that really obscure because that was like all the rage it's my vintage no it's so good critics hated it it was amazing

people tore it apart the late show did that sketch where they got Tony Martin dressed up as Arnie did you watch the late show yeah yes like D-Generation

are you all too young for that no vintage comedy yeah yeah Tony Martin like done up as a cartoon character. Don't worry, everyone in the audience,

I have no idea what they're talking about either. I'm adrift. Yes, so in Last Action Hero, Arnold Schwarzenegger is Jack Slater, but in that universe,

the Terminator still exists, but it's played by Sylvester Stallone. So I guess in a universe where Idris Elba is- That's not an answer. It would be recast. It's fine.

It would be recast in the closest proxy to Eric Banner which would be... Sylvester Stallone. Edward Norton. They've already done it. All I just went was like... Hugh Jackman and Eric Banner? They're in full frontal together. I like to think that the cosmic rule is that

it's always Sylvester Stallone. That's just the universe writes itself and Sylvester Stallone. That's just the universe writes itself and Sylvester Stallone he did the song Ludacris did. We're the hoes.

So, round of applause. You didn't clap this time. One thing we haven't mentioned, just that thing about everybody getting to fuck Jane Fonda. Sid, you never get sick of it. Literally everyone would get sick from that. Well, I was assuming we'd wear protection. That's a 34th century.

I feel like I needed to present a con. Clones. It's fine. We sorted it. Clones. You're going to fuck fuck a bot Jane Fonda No, no, no, a clone Clone Can't we already do that?

We can't clone people That's ethically wrong Ethically, but it's possible They're doing it already There's armies underground waiting to just storm the place As soon as a revolution comes You know that, right? That Russian guy that's like, I'm going to make an ape man.

You know that guy? What? Someone said yes. What? Not everything I say is a lie. This fella back in the day, yeah, he gave it a go. He's like, what if I can make an ape man? And the Russian government were like, stop that, buddy.

Buddy, even if that works, why? Alright. A world run by Michael Jackson, King of Pop is our new god, can turn to a car? But a good Michael Jackson? A good Michael Jackson. A good Michael Jackson. Sorry, Ben, I tried.

Do we need to do this? Or Barbarella Alright Michael Jackson Syphilitic bunch of fucking warn bags It's because you were rude to us And they're getting their revenge They like us

Which is That's their choice I'm winning on stage No look fair I was going to be like Benny might win by default But no Alright That's their choice. I'm winning on Star. No, look. I was going to be like, Benny might win by default, but no. Alright. Get out of here. Bye.

We're sorry. Thank you so much, Benny. I was all for a new car, God. Yeah, look, me too. Benny's from a podcast called Dragon Friends. He got upset that we didn't plug him, so now I'm doing it. It's part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. You can get it on iTunes.

Benny, you're also in Axis of Awesome, I believe. I know that you are. That was also rude of me. But now you're not on stage to defend yourself. I have the microphone, Benny. You shouldn't have been rude to me. Oh, Benny. You shouldn't have been rude to me. Oh, no. And now, bringing out our next guest.

A good friend. A gab. Gabe. Gabe. Gabe Berg-Merser. Hey. Nearly tripped over. That was funny.

Not to give myself the advantage, but I think you need to go. Do I really need to go? I don't know. You had a time limit. I'm going to stay. He's winning, so he's staying. That's exactly how I wanted that to go. Because I'm feeling good.

Okay. Nice universe-cape. I'm going to paint you a word picture. Yeah. I want you to imagine a beautiful landscape of towering mountains with square peaks, of hinterlands extending into the distance, where the wildlife includes gigantic eagles, noble eagles dedicated to the betterment of mankind.

Sure. Trains, lions that work with people to, again, advance the betterment of mankind. Sure. Trains lions that work with people to, again, advance the betterment of mankind. Uh-huh. Gigantic non-venomous vipers with the intelligence of humans that work with us, again, to advance the betterment of mankind. Uh-huh. In the sea, there are sea monsters rumoured to save stranded sailors.

There are submarines, gigantic steampunk submarines everywhere, and in the air, gigantic flying hot air balloon homes with the eagles. The world looks as though it was designed by Wes Anderson and Tim Burton in the middle of a fever dream. Aesthetically, it is beautiful. It was designed by Wes Anderson and Tim Burton in the middle of a fever dream. Aesthetically, it is beautiful. The world I'm talking about is that of Lemony Snicket's Serious Unfortunate Events. But, Gabe, that's a series of unfortunate events.

I thought so too. Just pointing that out, the author also thought that because he called this book that. He did. He's like, these events are frankly unfortunate. So, okay. Now, it is true. It is true. It's a concerning part of this world that the title of the series that takes place in the world is a series of unfortunate events.

However, however, let's have a look at the characters to which the unfortunate events occur. We have the Baudelaire orphans. Yes. Three plucky young orphans to which unfortunate events do occur. Got it right.

We have their loving, kind, intelligent guardian, Uncle Monty, to which an unfortunate event being murdered does occur. We have Aunt Josephine, their, you know, overly fearful, but again, loving, kind, and fairly decent guardian who gets fed to carnivorous leeches. Sure. A reasonably unfortunate event. Now let's have a look at some of the other characters in that series.

We have Mr. Sir, a man who runs a lumber mill in the middle of fucking nowhere in a world where, you know, nothing seems to be made out of wood because everything's stone and yet he still seems to be incredibly rich and make, you know, a really decent fortune. We have Count Olaf, a failing actor who nonetheless

has enough money for a really nice car to pay an entire theatre troupe and enough costumes to convince everybody in the world that he is not who he seems to be. In this world, there is one very simple rule that grounds it. If you are a good person, you are fucked. If you are a shit person, you are fucked. If you are a shit person, you will fucking flourish. It doesn't matter

how incompetent you are. It doesn't matter how bad you are at your job. I like hearing all these things. This is good to me. You don't even need to be actively evil. You just need to be generally average and incompetent and get in the way of goodness

because let's face it, the law enforcement and all the forces of justice and decency in this world are, again, totally incompetent so if you are a little bit shit in the world of A Serious Unfortunate Events you will thrive, and let's face it in this real, terrible, tragic world we live in aren't we all just a little bit shit?

I'm more than a little bit shit. The only three people in the world of A Serious Unfortunate Events who are upstanding examples of humanity and decency and nobility and kindness get repetitively shat on, while everybody else, not who is entirely evil, but who is just not great, gets by just fucking fine. How was I? entirely evil, but who is just not great, gets by just fucking fine. However, Count Olaf,

he wants to get the children's fortune, a situation I wish that I could find myself in. I would love to find three orphans with a fortune and be like, that's my life. Done. I'm dedicated to grabbing that fortune off those orphans. He has unfortunate events in that for the vast majority of the series, he doesn't get that fortune. That'sans. He has unfortunate events in that for the vast majority of the series,

he doesn't get that fortune. That's unfortunate. He also never gets captured or apprehended or killed until the final book. Spoilers. But, you know,

for the most part, he gets by just fine. And may I point out that if you were to delve into the mythology of a series of unfortunate events, i.e. the Beatrice letters, the unauthorized autobiography,

all of that stuff, you would find... Why have the two sans pants people just done their blood? So much research. Why? Again, as Zoe said, not research, just knowing my shit. You would find that the Baudelaire fortune was not in fact the first fortune Olaf went after. It was in fact the first fortune Olaf failed to procure.

He had procured several fortunes prior to that. That's real good. And honestly, okay, so let's face it. Olaf does die at the end of the series. That's true, and it's very sad. Sorry to that one guy on set that we spoiled that for you. It's an old book, mate. You'll get by.

It's fine. 2006 it came out. It's over 10 years old. It's fine. Han Solo dies in Star Wars as well, just in case. Kylo stabbed first So Olaf How old do we reckon Olaf is? 40?

That's pretty ravaged for 40 50? 60? I'm going to say 35 and the world has been bad to him Did you not hear any of my points? The world has been fucking great to count off. Well, I'll let you finish, but I've got a con that I don't think you've considered. Okay.

But, you know, Olaf, yeah, I'm sure he does die and he gets harpooned in the chest and all of that. However... Sorry. Again, sorry, but you know what? It happens in the last book. We're here now just piling on top of it.

But he's had a good life. He's stolen a few fortunes. He's had some fun. He's gotten in some scrapes that he's mostly escaped from unscathed. You know what? If I'm going to live a life like that, I'm happy to die at 40. Or 35.

And his twilight years were spent chasing some god-awful orphans. Yeah. There you go. Gotta have a hobby. There you go. He kept entertained, which is, let's face it, what brings down so many of the elderly today. That's true.

And that leads me into my con. As you passionately stated, we're all a bit shit. And do you know who is also a bit shit? The Baudelaire. They are the smuggest fucking orphans. You just reminded me of how much I hate the Baudelaire orphans.

Oh my god, shut up! Klaus is like, let me read a book about it. Fuck you, get a hobby. Play a video game, watch a movie. Christ! So you do realise that you have legitimately just explained why you would be perfect for the world at those unfortunate events.

Like straight up. Gabe, I don't know if you know this about me, but I feel like my only weakness is that sometimes I'm a little smug So I am worried that I would then get grouped into But I mean like really The protagonists Joel Duescher is nothing if not the protagonist of And smug

The world But I don't find the bone layer often smug I think you know generally they're pretty humble Annoyingly so They're annoyingly I'm just putting this is about me now Keep saying nice things I don't find the bone layer orphans smug. I think generally they're pretty humble. Annoyingly so. I'm just predicting this is about me now. Keep saying nice things. But for the most part, the bone layer orphans are completely flawless, annoyingly so,

which is what makes them seem smug. Also, the smugness. When someone's like, hey, let me explain a word to you because one of you is an infant and one of you is ten, don't be like, we know that word. Shut up. Just be like, oh, I know it. That's okay. I get why you would explain it to me

but you're a smarmy fucking orphan piece of shit. And then the adults don't know shit. Also, you're living in a world where everyone is incompetent. I know. And isn't that the best part? You don't have to be good at anything and you will get by. Mr. Poe is completelyent. I know. And isn't that the best part? You don't have to be good at anything and you will

get by. Mr. Poe is completely useless at his job and yet he remains rich and happy and just kind of bumbles through his life and it's all fine. And yeah, sure, he lets a few orphans die, but like, whatever. What's a little bit of child engagement between

friends, right? But the problem there is humanity stagnates. There's no one doing anything. There's no innovation. No one inventing. Well, that depends on your long-term fixation on the betterment of humanity. There's no planet of the horses either. But you've got a planet of wildly improbable reptiles and the eagles and the lions.

The wildlife is incredible. The wildlife is incredible, but it's just... It's a beautiful world to live in. What's the horse situation? I don't think Lemony shed any light on that one. What a dickhead. Wow. It's good for me, personally.

I think I would not thrive because no one does. But the problem there is that no one thrives. The problem there is that... Define thrive. You've there is that, yeah. The fine thrive. You've got us there, I guess. I was like, progress humanity. Yeah, but I'm not too concerned with that. Because it's like, you know.

We've got a world where horses shit all over us. Yeah. I sort of feel a little bit like a world in which we all just get on fine. Everyone's happy. Everyone's rich. The only stipulation is you just have to be not great. Yeah, like I've got to be honest. War Horse doesn't improve humanity.

It improves horse manatee or whatever. And if that's where your vested interest lies, then fair enough. If you want the horses to have it great, that's a good one. But in this one, we're all just kicking it and that's all right. I like games because it appeals to like I get to live a nice. You being a garbage man? Yeah. That's fair. It's a world where I get by,

no one gives me the business, and I die young. Die young, leave a beautiful corpse. Alright, because we're struggling for cons, does anyone have anything? Leeches eat people in this reality too. Okay, leeches eat people in this reality too. Leeches in this reality are only in one location.

Don't swim in late lacrimos, you'll be fine. Sorry? Who in this reality share a strange folder? Gotcha there. Gotcha there, friends. Actually, Count Olaf probably gave her a crack. Yeah. And he probably would have succeeded because he's a shitcon.

Yeah, that's true. Anyone else got a con? Right here. I can see a hand vaguely. If you're only like reason for why the sport was good is New York. You get the part. And the president.

Like, you know, we're already living in a series of unfortunate events. Yeah, those events were unfortunate. You're not wrong, but this universe has really big reptiles. I guess. Steampunk inventions and looks really good. Okay, okay, all right. Round of applause.

Who wants to live in Gabe's Universe of mediocrity Everyone having a crack at Barbarella Fuck me I'm sorry Gabe Fine Guess I'm out I'll go be mediocre elsewhere Thank you everyone Gabe Fine. Yes, I'm out. I'll go be mediocre elsewhere. Sign on.

All right. Thank you everyone. Game. Woo. Game. Here's from our sister podcast, Movie Maintenance. Yeah, there you go. He got his plug.

Well done. There we go. All right. We'll bring on our last guest tonight, Ben Elwood. Can I get him to the stage, please? There he is. Woo. They all love you. Hey, nerds, how you going?

I'm all right. Gotcha. How old are you guys? 30. Okay, so you were kind of, were you guys nerds before, like, nerd culture took the world over? Yeah. Yeah, like, we're OG, man. Are you guys, like, what's the core demographic here?

Are you guys in your 20s? 16. 16? You will never know what it was like to be called a fag for reading a comic book on a bus. Never. Never ever. Fuck you. We paved the way.

We're like the civil rights activists for nerd culture. In the fucking trenches so you could watch Guardians of the Galaxy in peace. You fuck. Hey guys, how you going? No, no, I had to watch the Dolph Lundgren Punisher. Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, you took what you could get back then.

We were like, this is a fine film. And it wasn't! He shoots someone in the head and it's silver. It's real shit. I think I earned Tank Girl on VHS. I watched that multiple times because I'm like, it's fine! I had Pippi Longstocking Girl on VHS. I watched that multiple times because I'm like, it's fine. I had Pippi Longstocking's on VHS.

Did you guys see Cool World? Were you Cool World fans? Yeah. I remember making out with the TV screen when I was about 11, when that Kim Basinger animated. Very sexy. Don't rewatch it. It doesn't hold up.

It's no Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Well, then. Actually, that should be the fucking's no Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Well, then. Actually, that should be the fucking universe. Who Framed Roger Rabbit. That would be my fucking ideal. That wasn't the direction we were going to go. I was going to go down a much more nihilistic path, which I think will be more amusing.

So let's do that one. All right. And if that one bombs, Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Well, look, if you guys don't like the first option, I'd still want to kick your ass, so we'll go with Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Well, look, if you guys don't like the first option, I'd still want to kick your ass, so we'll go with Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Yeah, sounds good. Okay.

So I don't know about you guys, but the world's pretty scary right now, right? Yeah. I don't know about you guys, but every morning when I wake up, I check my iPhone just thinking, like, what awful shit happened while I was asleep? Like, are we on fire?

And it kind of feels like there's some kind of apocalyptic scenario that's going to manifest in the next few years, right? But it's all happening in slow motion. So I feel like if we're going to inhabit a universe where the end of the world is happening, then let's make it interesting. And this isn't an official universe that exists,

but I've always had this theory that the New York that is in all movies and TVs is the same New York. So, like, on a weekly basis in this New York, like, it's a fucking alien invasion. It's a snap ice age. There's a giant ape on the Empire State. In that universe, 9-11 would have just been a fucking easy afternoon, you know? Two buildings. Whatever.

So, yeah, I feel like, you know, if we're going to see the... Perpetual New York. Yeah, and the other good thing about it is, because it's like that whole Anglo-centric kind of America thing, all the shit always happens to New York. So as long as you're away from New York, you're fine. You just get to watch TV and watch all this fucking carnage. It's like when you watch Day After Tomorrow

and they're like, Australia got some rain. And you're like, well, that's fine. We always come out kind of okay. Pacific Rim, I think we got fucked up in that. Sydney got fucked up. Sydney always gets fucked up. Melbourne, fine. Melbourne, fine.

Gotcha. You know what? Good. So really, is this New York? Hang on, wait a second. Wait a second. What? What did you say? Fair. That is an eyesore

I'll admit it It's expensive to ride And no one does It was broken for like three years It was made by a very shoddy company That made the building of somebody Somebody works in the building And the building is falling apart

They're like we have to leave occasionally because hot roofs will fall in. And that's what they made the eye out of. Is that that thing in Federation Square? No, it's like a ferris wheel. Oh, okay. I saw Nick Cave riding the ferris wheel in Federation Square. Just sitting on his own on a ferris wheel.

That is the most Nick Cave thing I've ever heard. I feel like he did that on purpose just to fucking... So what I like about your New York is that whilst there's huge things happening like King Kong's coming around, you're going to snap ice age, New York also, like the New York of

Hollywood, has stuff on the low level as well. Every interact you're getting meet cutes fucking as far as the eye can see. I'm walking here. That's every crossing. I'm walking. It's happening all the time. Woody Allen's playing the clarinet on a street corner.

Whilst Iron Man's outside. Like, you're just crashing in. You've got Snake Plissken trying to escape from it for a minute. Get out of there, Snake Plissken. Get out! It'd be nutty being a kid growing up in New York. Remember the first time you saw The Matrix and it was like, oh, that's the Martin Place Fountain!

We're famous now! Like, everything is made, every movie is set in New York. Imagine being nine years old and seeing your street with Spider-Man going down. No, it'd be so exciting. I don't think, as a nine-year-old living in New York, this New York, I don't know what your survival rate would be. Well, King Kong doesn't kill any kids.

He steps on them. Maybe eats one. I can always guttural Seth Rogan laugh from the back. Kids are dying. No one ever knew what happened with the debris from the planes that linked.

Could have hit a school, an orphanage. Where did they bury King Kong? Isn't there a Far Side comic strip where they just turn him into hamburger patties and all of New York just eats King Kong? I like the idea of them just pushing him into the bay. Kick him in, he just... Into the Hudson. They're like, well, that's...

I guess that was a weird thing that happened that one time. Moving New York would also follow a chronological timeline. Because it would be... It's destroyed in Independence Day. But then they obviously rebuild just in time for Deep Impact. And then they rebuild just in time for Armageddon. And then the Avengers. But you could follow it all the way through to the original Planet of the Apes.

That's true. That's the end of Hollywood, New York. Holy shit. And it's also good because it acts as this giant lightning rod. Because as you were saying, we're fine in Australia. Everywhere is fine. In Melbourne, Sydney, bit fucked. You got the opera house.

That's what did it for you. We got jack shit so nobody jack shit We got a shitty eye When the super villain comes to steal all the monuments He flies around Melbourne He's like, ah, well There's not much for me here Plus New York, it's a Cloverfield monster Cloverfield monster

I like how good New Yorkers would get at rebuilding New York It'd be like a matter of a year I am legend I am legend must come get at rebuilding New York. It'd be like a matter of a year and you'd be like, we're back. I am legend. I am legend must come before Planet of the Apes, I guess. It would have to come before, so maybe there's some hope after

I am legend and they rebuild it again. Yeah, that's true. It's kind of silly. Godzilla ruins it and then lays babies and then they'll rise up and take it down. And there would have been two different King Kongs as well.

We're in the herky-jerky King Kong and then fucking a couple years later like CG Peter Jackson King Kong shows up. Two giant apes in the bay. I like when CGI King Kong comes in and they're like, remember back

like maybe 40, 50 years ago when everything was black and white? Yes. There was that jerky claymation King Kong comes in and they're like, remember back maybe 40, 50 years ago when everything was black and white? That was that jerky claymation King Kong. Is that how it works? Is everything black and white before a certain point? Again, to go back to Roger Rabbit, that's how it is for the tunes.

The black and white tunes can't get work in the new Hollywood. Oh, guys, that's sad for the tunes. Singing in the Rain in New York as well? I want to say yes. New York, New York is in New York. New York, New York. So beautiful musicals happening? That's sad for the tunes Singing in the Rain in New York as well I want to say yes New York, New York is in New York So beautiful musicals happening, that's alright West Side Story It's like a corporate shit man

It's clearly the dominant university It's very busy, there's a lot going on I feel like if I'm just trying to live a life I'm not going to be able to get a lot done I'll be on the train and then the train's picked up by King Kong And then I get out of the train and then a comet hits and I'm like, am I ever going to get to work? Just don't live in New York

What if that's where my job's taken me? What if they're like, Jackson's a wet train The podcast is booming in New York We've got to transfer you to New York and I'm like, ah, I don't know How long is the firm going to be there, really? The podcast firm I think 90% of the jobs in New York

at that point are just construction. Job security. Job security. New York's always going to get destroyed till Planet of the Apes. That's okay, because just get into construction. At that point, we're all apes anyway. Look at us. We're not good for construction. You guys aren't built for a post-apocalyptic

world. No. No. I'll find a very big, tough man and be his lover. That's my goal. My survival mechanism for the apocalypse is just to become a minor cult leader. Yeah, that's a good idea. Get 20 followers, you're fine. Yeah, yeah.

That's a pretty good strategy. Like finding 20 people willing to die for you. It can't be that hard. Not in the apocalypse. Everybody's looking for someone to be willing to die for. They're like, hey, do you want me to die for you? You're like, sure. Look at Book of Eli.

They're like, that's a Braille Bible. Spoilers. I'm like, we'll join your cult. Did that upset you? We just spoiled Book of Eli. Do you remember Book of Eli? Don't watch it. There's so many good movies.

The twist is it's a Braille Bible. It's real stupid. It's a dumb film. That's not happening in New York for a while. One more point about living in Hollywood New York if you did choose to live there. You would develop a zest for life. Have you ever been to Israel?

Those people are fucking alive, man. They're alive because at any moment it could all turn to shit. Hey, fuck off. I'm Jewish alright I'm allowed to say it and it's a fact yeah so I think living in New York

where at any moment some bad shit could go down you'd be fucking alive man and it's like the shitty Nazi strat

of bombing the shit out of like London everyone's like that'll take down the morale but no it didn't it made them stronger strength through adversity

that's why everyone in Sydney is such fucking weak pieces of shit because there's nothing bad that happens here. Yeah. You know? Oh, look at that. Oh, it's me. Yeah. You're really whitting over the audience.

That's my strategy on stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get them initially and then I shit all over them and then I bring them back after that. You trick them. It's a trick. However, New Yorkers now are known as just being

mean. Yeah? They're already kind of hard. Hey, I'm a New Yorker. That's the whole deal. They say that all the time. Add several hulks and a snake plissken and all that kind of stuff. They're just going to be even more mean. Where does Escape from New York fit into

the chronology of New York? Post I Am Legend but before Planet of the Apes Yeah Fair enough But here's what I think would probably happen is that

would everyone just leave New York? Like by the third comet you're not sticking around You've got to escape New York Snake Bliskin, mate Come on Alternative

Jack, your job's there Yeah, well I've got to stay in New York for work I've got to deal with the Kongs It's a Kong day Mr. Papa's Penguins is happening there. Yeah, well, you're right. I've got to stay in New York for work. I've got to deal with the Kongs. It's a Kong day.

Mr. Papa's Penguins is happening in an apartment somewhere. Jim Carrey owning six penguins has no bearing on my life. Where does Magical Beasts happen? Is that also New York? Yeah, that's in the 20s, though. But yeah, don't worry about that. Worry more about the fucking penguins that one bloke owns. You're like, sweet, a comet, whatevs Worry more about the fucking penguins that one bloke owns. Like, sweet, a comet.

Whatevs. That motherfucker owns how many penguins? Fuck, that gives me arse aches. How's he keeping them alive? I hate this. That's endangerment. It's too hot. Yeah, like, fuck it.

There's pretty much no cons to just... I like that we're not considering the chance of death being astronomically high a con. But we're all going to die anyway, guys. Exactly. We're all on a slow train ride to hell right now. It's not global warming. It's going to be Trump.

I'd rather get taken out by a fucking giant ape. At least the last thing you see in life is going to be striking. Yeah. We're all going to join at least half of an Idris Elba at one point. Yeah, exactly. That's all right. I'd like to be eaten by Godzilla. SUV, that fucking show she was talking about.

What would be your New York death? My New York death? I say Godzilla. I'd like to be eaten by, like, 1999 Godzilla. Would you want to be eaten or crushed? Eaten. Eaten. I want him to specifically pick me up with his lizard lips.

Like, I'm on the ground like, what the fuck? And then he's just like, oh, oh. And the people commenting in the helicopters, they're like, he just ate that one guy. I don't really know why he went for that one guy, but he seems satisfied. He's going back into the sea. Got him, I guess? He got him. I want to get landed on by a Hulk.

Oh, yeah. Like, what's that green? No, it needs to be in the middle of a conversation. You're like, yeah, I'll just have one hot dog and then Hulk, like... I'm going to try and punch the comet from home again. Doesn't work out for me. Yep, good.

I don't mind as long as I meet Mick Ryan on top of the Empire State Oh yes, oh yes! Sleepless in Seattle! Oh fuck. That was great, that was cathartic. That was like I had a little fucking orgasm right there. I'll have what he's having.

Hey! Hey! So like, you meet Mick Ryan on top of the Empire State Building Then Kong grabs you Worth it Ben Oh

Look just for the hell of it I think it would be great To be like Flicked By something very large And just Just like Fly through

Fly through the sky How long Until you realised What was happening You'd just be like Oh What's Oh How long until you realized what was happening? You'd just be like, oof. Oh. What's up?

What about death by penguins? Mr. Poppish, penguins aren't dead. Penguins will die. Why does that stress you so much? There's comments coming. Like, you know zoos exist, yeah? Yeah. Like, because if you don't, you're going to be in for a rude awakening. Just does not like the private ownership of animals.

It's wrong. Oh, question. Yes. No, it's you again. Hey, buddy. Yes. Oh. Holy shit.

Wait. Crack the Rosetta Stone, sir. Hey, I thought you were on my side, man. Jesus. Are you sure? There's multiples of every hot person you want to fuck. I think she's like California based, surely. Idris Elbaziz and Jane Fonda-ziz. That's good.

Thank you. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. There's like signs. Yep. Yeah. Is it like your vision just goes completely black with the writing there whenever anybody's

speaking to you? That's kind of alright. No, it's not. No, it's not. You're driving an old-timey car and somebody turns to you and then it comes to the screen and you're like, hey, is this the next turn or whatever? And then when it goes away you just crash it's okay like based on the

very oddly specific rules that Benny pointed out it doesn't matter about then because we live in now but also Jane Fonda from 1968 exists does that also mean

that everything's like a little bit quicker back in the like old timey films were a little bit faster everybody was moving a bit quicker yeah

that's good yeah that is good. That's fine as well. Haven't you ever wanted to be a bit more flat? I know I have. Alright, last question over there. The perfect ending. No, not unless it was like an infinite stone or some shit.

Yeah, like... Or something magical. This is a realistic universe. Come on, mate. Pull your head. Stupid question. What? Yeah, if you're famous. Yeah, sure.

Wait, not multiple copies of famous people depending on the roles they played. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like multiple Dustin Hoffmans running around New York. I like to think Dustin Hoffman will birth a new Dustin Hoffman. Or like a phoenix. So like, Comet kills one Dustin Hoffman, Out of the Ash is another.

That's good. It's something. Well, I mean, like, I don't get to clap, but I know what my favorite of the ashes another. That's good. It's something. I don't get to clap, but I know what my favourite of the evening is. Alright, so Lightning Rod, New York. Barbarella. Barbarella. Wait, wait.

Lightning, New York. Barbarella. Barbarella. Fuck, that's too close. I can't call it. Papers is Rock. Oh, get fucked. It was clearly New York.

All right. My fate comes down to a child's game. All right. You might lose from rudeness. What are you doing? Don't do it backwards. What is this? Isn't that scissors, paper, rock?

Paper, rock, scissors. You call it. Rock, paper. Oh, fuck. I don't know. Paper, scissors, rock. There it is. One, two, three.

Paper, scissors, rock. Barbarella wins! Barbarella wins! Barbarella wins! And on that note... I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. I continue to be Dean.

I am Ben Elwood. Thank you so much, everyone. Actually, guests, everyone just come on the stage for a second so we can all be here for a little bit for a second. Everyone except... Well, actually, I was going to say everyone except Benny, but you're first up. You want us to stand in the back?

Stand in the spaces between. In the shadows. We should just outline. Yeah. All right. Should we look alternate? That's good. Do you want us to look like we want to be here? Yes. Okay. That's good. Do you want us to look like we want to be here?

Yes. That's perfect. Thank you so much to everyone for coming. Just a quick few messages to wrap it up, I guess. Yes, I'm about to thank you. Zoe's got the

right idea. Follow her example. Thank you to all of our guests for appearing on tonight's show thank you you animals you'd never get this in Melbourne I'm just saying and thank you so much to you guys for coming to our show

alright and thank you to Seizure who is the guy Thank you so much to you guys for coming to our show. All right. And thank you to Seizure, who is the guy that was dropping the... Was that... Come on. Okay. Anyway, he produced a show for us. He's doing his own stand-up show called Kill Yourself, which is a little on brand.

Go to New York. Go to New York. So he is doing that show tomorrow night. We'll be around because we're doing a show tomorrow night as well. Which reminds me, tomorrow night we're doing a show. It'll be similar but with different guests. And the topic tomorrow night will be Worst Fictional Universe. So if you're worried about coming to see the same show twice,

it's totally different. So come tomorrow night as well. It'll be good. No, we got something new. Because War Horse is good. Hang on a second. War Horse vs. War Horse vs. Barbarella.

Hang on. Clap for War Horse. Ah, we lost. Ah, we lost. It's not happening. There's no Jane Fonda in War Horse Only war and horses Unless War Horse has a cracker

Yes How is that the fucking logic How fucking lonely are you Jesus Fucking nerd So yeah this I guess is the end of our show. All of this hostility and just yelling. Again, thank you so much for coming.

Hopefully we see all of you again tomorrow night. Thank you very much. There will be some merch out the front. We will be there. Come say hi. We'd love to talk to you. Actually, you know what? Benny, you were upset that we didn't plug you. There will be some merch out the front. We will be there. Come say hi. Yeah. We'd love to talk to you. Actually, you know what?

Benny, you were upset that we didn't plug you. Do you want to plug yourself? Oh, I've got nothing to plug. No, I'm... No, there's... Listen to our... Why don't you say the allegation? Sure, okay.

He definitely didn't do it. Listen to our podcast, Dragon Friends. It's where we play D&D, and I'm sure you're into that shit. Bunch of comedians playing D&D. I do live music for it. Lots of cool guests. It's awesome. And we're doing really great at the moment, which is a huge

surprise, and I'm sure that's no small part to nerds like you. Keep it up. Actually, I'll just pass the microphone around so everyone can plug themselves, because it's a bit rude if I just pick one person. So, Dean, would you like to tell us a bit about yourself? So, I'll just pass the microphone around so everyone can plug themselves because it's a bit rude if I just pick one person. So, Dean, would you like to tell us a bit about yourself? So, I draw comic books.

Sick. I draw for The Simpsons, so you should pick up The Simpsons comic books. Yeah, yeah. We're bad at plugging others, ourselves. Look at the empty seats. We don't know what we're doing. I'm in Sydney because of King's Comics brought me up. So support King's Comics.

They're fantastic. Sweet. Cool. And Ben, you're upset that no one knew who you were, so you get to plug now too. Shit, no one knows who I am. I do comedy. I run a room on a Sunday night.

If you live in Sydney, it's at the Chippewa Hotel every Sunday night. It's called Fuck Club with a P-H-U-K-L-U-B. Come along. It's a lot of with a P-H-U-K-L-U-B. Come along. It's a lot of fun. Wonderful. Fuck yeah. Sick.

We're posing for a photo that Benny's taking. I'm looking at this like it's an ice cream. That's going to be my gag for this photo. Sick. Sick.

All right. Gabe and Zoe, do you want to? No, I'm good. I will. Sands fans radio, shut up a second, best show. Number one most handsome. I think you'll find it's movie maintenance, but yeah, whatever.

And on that note. There we go. We can all do this. I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. Oh, I was going to say Dean, yes. I'm Benny.

I'm Zoe. I'm Gabe. There we go. And you've been Joel. Oh, I was going to say Dean, yes. I'm Benny. I'm Zoe. I'm Gabe. There we go. And you've been amazing. Thank you so much. We're fucking off now. Bye. Thank you so much.

We loved you. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support the show, why not become a member at SandsPantsPlus.com and get early access to our shows, a bunch of exclusive content and much, much more. That's sanspantsplus.com.