Plumbing the Death Star - Which Would Be The Best Radioactive Animal To Be Bitten By?

Episode Date: September 3, 2017

In which our heroes break into Oscorp, let a bunch of animals loose and try to pet them all as we ask which would be the best radioactive animal to be bitten by?Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our Melb Fringe Shows or UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help fundraise in aid of PSC Support? Just head over to sanspantsradio.podkeep.com and give what you can for a brand new D&D adventure! And if you’re wanting to know more about PSC Support, you can head here; http://www.pscsupport.org.uk.Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our UK tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Duscher: twitter.com/dusch13Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sants Pants Radio, on Facebook and Twitter for updates, discounted tickets, and free giveaways. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like, which would be the best radioactive animal to be bitten by? Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can. Spends a weapon any size. Catches thieves just like flies.

Look out, here comes the spider. Worm! Worm, don't have teeth. How are they going to bite you? They got a hole. Like, they got two, actually. Any hole's a goal to be bitten by. I guess it's like I'm in the scientific facility.

They're like, this is the worm. Don't open it up. No. Shove my hands in the worm. What's in this dirt? Well, there's radioactive. Oh, they bit me. Worms all dangling off my hands.

And then I get the powers, which is eat dirt and turn that dirt into better dirt. Like, to borrow. I guess you're good if you want to help out farmers You can dig holes real good You'd be like a mole I assume I get the worm mouth And a worm butthole So you get a worm mouth and a worm butthole

Do you lose your legs and arms? That'll be hard to keep my identity secret Because Spider-Man, he doesn't get Eight legs Unless a monstrous version of him. So there might be a universe where that happens. If I become instead of Worm Man, I become Man Worm. And I assume I lose my arms and legs.

No, well, I assume it's got to work like Spider-Man. So you get like three odd powers of the animal. This could be a good way to like set the precedent. So we'll do Animal Man and the Man Animal. Alright, alright. So Worm Man. Worm Man, like Spider-Man's got

he can do the web shoot and he's got sticky hands plus super strength, which I assume we all get because like... Wait, are worms powerful? Do I get the opposite of super strong Jackson can live half his own life

because again it's all about in terms of relativity can worms push things that are heavier than themselves I do not believe

I doubt it I don't think worms can do anything except eat dirt and shit better dirt you've got a weakness of just the sun and salt

oh wait no salt slugs probably not great for me, though. So I can't be out in the sun. Are you covered? Oh, it's going to be shiny. Are you covered in like a mucus?

I'm slick. You're like, all right. Slick's a nice way of putting it. Crooks can't grab me. I just worm out. Your powers are slippery. Slippery? Can eat dirt to make better dirt.

To make better dirt. Let's just call it basic purification So anything you eat you shit out of better? I just shit out of purer version Which means I don't know If you eat coal can you shit out diamonds? I feel like if I eat diamonds I shit out coal Surely

I think it has to be like How does a worm's internal systems work? Is it like you consume the dirt And then I'm Because it's combined with the dirt and then I'm... Because it's combined with the shit of the worm, yeah? I guess. I'm just going to Google Howlworm's purification system.

Also, you're going to have that misconception of villains where they're like, wow, we can't kill him because if we cut him in half, there'll just be two of them. I'd be like, absolutely correct. Spot on, gentlemen. Don't cut me in half. Don't you cut me in half because it will will be bad for me. Captain America's gonna be like, oh no, Worm Man is

tied up. I know what to do. I'll cut him in half, and then we'll have two heroes to help. And then we'll throw his shield at you. I thought you were just implying that I've just like, without even, that I was just a villain. Like, when Captain America inevitably comes to put a stop to you, Jax.

I'm actually feeling like Spider-Man's role where he's kind of a hero. So, you know. I can't find how worms purify dirt. Do worms have the ones where they have several brains throughout their body? Oh, that's all right. But, I mean, not great because does that make me cleverer? Do I have several brains now throughout my body? I want to say yes.

Does that mean you can compartmentalize pretty easily? Do I have several brains now throughout my body? I want to say yes. Does that mean you can compartmentalize pretty easily? Like, I need to move this to my gut brain. Yes. I think I need to eat a lot of compost to get by. How does having multiple brains benefit you? Look, I don't know. I'm trying to look up worm rules, but I can't find any. Look, slick. Covered in I'm trying to look up worm rules, but I can't find any. Look, slick.

Covered in a fine sheen of mucus. Are you going to be red as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I just assume I look like me, but I have my outfit is like a... You know when a beanie is too big or a balaclava is too big and has like a bit of a point? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That, but it's pink like a worm's. Okay. And then... Do you have a cape? If I'm going to be borrowing, I probably shouldn't. No. And I also want to have no bones like a worm.

Yeah, that's fine. That's going to be hard to hide your secret identity. I mean, like- You can be bendy. And people don't know, like, you know- Or you can hold your shape without bones. That's what I mean. So I'm like, oh, hello, it's just me.

And then I'm like, I need to slip through this crack to stop the crooks. And like how Spider-Man climbs through walls, you just burrow underground. Yeah, exactly. I'm the opposite. Subterranean hero. Oh, you'd fuck the mole man up pretty good. And you know, I need to be subterranean because like we said, the sun kills.

It's a pretty good week. Jackson, why won't you, you know, reporter for the Daily Bugle, Jackson Bailey, why wouldn't you come outside and enjoy lunch with us? Ah, look. It's just, it's better in the shade for me. I get too sweaty. I have a skin condition. Is that used coffee grounds that everyone's done with?

Anybody mind if I turned that into a pure nitrate heavy form of dirt? And then I'll just eat those coffee grounds. I mean, like I shouldn't, that's bad hiding my identity. Yeah. I feel like when I'm like a famous actress wife, MJ, I'm a, I'm worm man. They're going to be like, oh,

that guy's pretty gross. That's not good. Yeah. Yeah. You eat lots of gross things. I have to, otherwise I die. I think I'd like that better. Are you done with that banana peel?

I've got to consume this. I've got to turn this. I'm just going to be shitting very pure dirt into an actual toilet, and that's funny. You can't flush mud. Ew. Well, you think that's gross? Imagine fucking man worm

Oh man worm's the worst Do I have a primal worm brain? Is that what happens when I become You basically get a worm With a kind of Like a giant worm As in man sized giant worm But with like a kind of human-esque face

That's still monstrous A human-esque face Yeah, that's what I'm imagining A human-esque face, because a worm has like that Sarlacc mouth, yeah? That's screaming That's me as man-worm I also imagine You'd keep your arms and legs in that situation But they'd be like worm tails I was imagining him for some reason without arms and legs

But still wearing a jacket Like a denim jacket, and I don't know why How's it staying on me? but still wearing a jacket. Like a denim jacket. I don't know why. How's it staying on me? Does man spider wear like a denim jacket? He just keeps Spider-Man's outfit but torn the fuck up. Except, because I'm not getting extra shit, if anything, I'm just losing stuff.

I don't think I'd tear my outfit any. Your outfit would be gross because of all that mucus. My outfit has to- It needs to be like Spider-Man or some versions of Spider-Man. It's like the organic web shoes. Yeah, yeah. You've got like organic ooze thing. Do I have to?

Because Spider-Man has like a little place on his wrist for it to come out. Do I have to have like, is my outfit like frontless? You know what I mean? Is my titties and belly just exposed to the world? Spider-Man doesn't shoot web out of his asshole. That's true. So I figure you can shoot it out your wrists. That's annoying about Spider-Man that he doesn't have stickiness all over his body,

just his hands and feet. That's stupid. Doesn't he? If he does, why does it not catch on his clothes more? Probably. I don't know. Anyway, I'll just have mucus on my hands and feet then. No, I need it on my body because my whole deal is that people can't grab me.

I do it like a bar of soap. Whoop! You can secrete it, but then your suit's going to be real gross. I've got to have one for every day of the week and the moment I've done crime fighting, I've got to wash that. Might have to do like a Dr. Manhattan outfit. Just jocks. Slimy worm jocks.

I just don't like the idea of a crook trying to grab me and I pop out and slam into a wall. Because I've got no bones, it's just like... And I just reform. That's gross. Try again, cunt. And a fucking sock in one. A slimy punch.

You could wrap them up as well, like a constrictor. Oh, that's true. Wrap them up and snap their necks. You kind of got like the worst snake. Ruthless villain. Ruthless vigilante. Worm man. I just like that you're calling villains cunts and just killing people.

But worm man's like a pathetic hero. I imagine my symbol looks like a... It's an M and a W on top of each other making like a mouth. Yeah, that's good. That is pretty good. Anyway, that's me as worm man all right i'm taking new york city by storm and i like storms because i we worms come up in the rain rainy day you're like worm man will be out tonight he needs the moisture try again

cunts the idea of me standing like heroically on a rooftop edge And then Crawling away Upsetting Very upsetting Imagine that in front of You know like every Spider-Man movie Has that shot of Spider-Man in front of the American flag

Let's put all of our heroes in front of the American flag Alright Goat Bitten by a goat Scary And the thing that could happen Like going through Oscorp, they're like, come to this.

It may look like a petting zoo, but we assure you it's not. And I'm like, fuck that petting zoo. Push the guard over, jump on in, pet a goat, get bit. So the power of the goat, I can climb fucking anything. That's true, but it's not quite like Spider-Man's climbing. It's more like. You can hop up things. I can hop up things. It's like goofy looking parkour, but that's not quite like Spider-Man's climbing. It's more like... You can hop up things. I can hop up things.

It's like goofy-looking parkour, but that's all right. And I think it's an innate, I want to be that high as well. Yeah? I feel goats like it. They're like, no, I want to be the highest I can. Because I've seen two goats in a paddock, and they just keep one-upping each other. It's very cute.

Yeah, I think it's fair to say that you're like, give me the office on the top floor of the Daily Bugle. So that means she's going to be constantly standing on top of the Empire State Building. And be surveying. I can eat anything. That's good. My eyes go square, which is going to be not great for my secret identity.

Also horns, I assumed, not great for secret identity. Do you get horns or just a tough head? Because like Spider-Man doesn't have, like... A furry face. Yeah, he doesn't have, like, an abdomen. I figure maybe man-goat might have horns, but goat-man doesn't.

Goat-man has, like, just indestructible, like, skull. Yeah, which is great. A good head plate. Yeah, it'll be, Oi, cunt, and smack him with my head. Call on the villains, cunts. Try again. Oi, cunt!

What? Boo! You want a fucking Glasgow kiss? Bang! And smack him in his face. I imagine you bounding everywhere like a goat as well. Doing that like, woo, woo, woo. Springing jump.

Ah, spring, spring, spring, and then lean in my face. Smack him in the head. I like eating anything. I'm trying to think where that could help you fight crime. What do you need to eat? Well, if you ever get put in bounds or anything like that. Yeah. If anybody puts a gun at you, eat the gun.

Take a bite. Like the shocker, he's got there with his fist and a punch and open mouth. Nom, nom, nom, nom. Fucking eat villains. Yeah, eat them. Or just be like, you know, when they're sort of doing their big speech, kind of like just meander up behind them like a goat

and they start nibbling on their costume or their cape. Hey! You're good as part of like... Because you know like a goat starts eating something and you don't realise until it's like halfway through. You're good as part of a team where they're like talking to the villain and then the villain all of a sudden notices you've been eating like all the technical equipment.

Oi! That's what I do. I do it. all of a sudden notice that you've been eating like all the technical equipment. Oi! What's that guy doing? Bzz, bzz, bzz. Meh. Wah. Dinner is served, cunts. Does your voice get like goatee? I know.

I guess I'd always have a beard. Oh yeah. Yeah. I imagine you look like, you're like Oliver Queen's got that goatee like that, but it's gray. Yeah. And you go gray.

Cause like that's goats. I think it's good. I think it's good. I think it's a good one to be bitten by and the powers are like, you know. I've just realised I've inadvertently made Mr. Sunday movies. Yeah, I didn't want to say anything. You're so hard. No, no, no. It's alright.

We're just going to copyright Goatman. Right on. See you in court, James. Get a snail. Yeah, so I think that's in court, Jax. Get a snail. Yeah, so I think that's alright. Oh, you've picked a goat. I've picked a man

with a beard to bite me. But like a bit short. And he's got an infinity gauntlet. Yeah. So how would a goat... Man goat? Man goat. How's man goat going?

Well, man goat... Terrifying, actually. Have you ever seen like a rabid goat? Oh, jeez. Have you ever seen... Oh, actually, no. You ever seen like a rabid goat? Oh, jeez. Have you ever seen? Oh, actually, no. It would look like fucking, it would look like something out of Doom.

Yeah, it would. Because, yeah, I've got like that. Like a satyr. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that fucking cardigan I have that has, that's a, actually, it's not that obscure. It's all over social media. Yeah, yeah, it's Satan.

It's Satan. You'd look a lot... Well, would you? Or would you just be like four legs on the ground? Wait. Fucking man face. Would it be like when... You know, they're like...

Is there a movie where there's like a... A goat? A talking goat? Drag me to hell? No, there's a talking goat in Drag Me to Hell, but I have like a... This is an unpleasant two words put together, but like a goat abortion in my head.

Maybe I am thinking of... Drag me down. No, because it's like a goat... A razor head? You're thinking of a razor head? That's a horse abortion. Yeah. Maybe I am thinking of a razor head.

That's a movie that I have definitely seen and it was disturbing. That baby's not good. Put it down. I like to imagine you, Zam, more like, so like imagine a goat, but then change its legs to arms. Yes. And its back legs to like man legs, but shorter.

And like bent wrong. Yeah. Because again, man spider, he isn't like eight legs on the ground. No, no. He's got two legs and then several more and then he's running at you. Do your hands become disgusting hooves? Yes. Like, hoof shape but still fingers.

Oh. And, like, sharp as well. I like that we're all, like, clawing our hands and being like, eww, eww. It's happening. How aware is Man Spider? Like, is he, he like with it? No, I think he's just like a rabid beast.

How does Man Spider stop being Man Spider? Well, gives birth to himself. That's a version of when he becomes a big spider. No, because Man Spider- No, that's when he becomes a giant spider, not when he becomes Man Spider. Man Spider's a weird thing, because Man Spider, I i think is only in

the 90s tv show and wasn't actually in the comic no there's a comic about him a plant lady puts a plant pheromone on him and he becomes man spider because in the 90s animated series his powers just keep going getting worse and worse and worse and worse and then all of a sudden one day he's man spider for a bit i'm pretty sure that was from the comics as well yeah so i thought it was like one of those weird things where. They're like, oh, it's in the TV show. And like people really liked it, but then they never really touched on it in the comics. Because there was a doppelganger, which is in the Maximum Carnage kind of thing.

But like, it just looked like Man Spider. And everyone's like, oh, are you Spider-Man? He's like, no. I'm like, oh, okay. Ah, okay. Sure. Who are you then? It doesn't matter.

Anyway, catch you later. I've got like, look like Spider-Man, but with more arms and I'm going to have a horrifying mouth. Is it easy for you to keep your identity secret, Sam? I think the square eyes is a bit of a big giveaway, but I guess if I can wear sunglasses all the time, I'm fine. Just pretend you're blind or something. Matt Murdock this shit. Yeah, exactly. Nobody's going to suspect.

If it's me, Joel Zammert, famous bugle photographer who's blind. How do you know what you're taking photos of? Shut up! I'm real good. Shush. Or you could probably just wear contacts. No, no, the blind story. That'll figure it out. That's much, heaps better.

I'm pretty sure MJ might be unhappy. That means my poops are, like, tiny. Yes! You go on the toilet toilet that's how she discovers your secret identity there's like a and she's like damn it what is this are you stressed like no and i take out my like my contacts like oh i love you you're the goat man you're so beautiful so the iconic scene where spider-man is hanging upside down and kisses her, for me, I'd be like on top of the couch.

Leaning down. Or climbing her back. I don't get that scene as were men. I don't think you do. I just had a quick look at Man Spider, like on the fandom wiki or whatever, and I found the dumbest sentence that's ever been typed in the history of anything.

It just says, Man Spider is the alternate universe equivalent to Man Spider. Because they both have the same name. Why? Why write that? Obviously. But yeah, one has extra arms and one doesn't. And one slowly turns into a giant spider

and the other one just looks wrong. I hope you slowly turn into a giant ghost. I figured. What about you, Dusha? What do you got? Well, I was thinking, and I'll give you the answer that I was thinking of until I made a joke before that really got me thinking. Were you thinking?

Yeah. So my choice is going to be like an ape or gorilla. Oh, that's good. That's good. I was also thinking ape. Yeah, because I was thinking gorilla because then like super strength, can climb good. Get fangs.

Get fangs. Loves bananas. Yeah. But. Oh, get a baboon. Red asshole. Oh. That's good.

That is good. No need to bleach this bad boy. Red for life. But what if I got bit by a radioactive man? Oh. Because. Oh. Hey, and here is just the field of man.

It may look like a petting zoo, but we assure you it's not. Fuck that. I'm patting one. Get out of the way, Oscorp guard. I really like this version of Oscorp where they're like, look, we got a lot of money, but we don't have a lot of directions. We've just been blasting shit with radiation. Just see what the fuck happens.

I don't know. This guy? Yeah, we just fucked him up with radiation. He's real bitey. Be careful. He's not happy about any of it. Jesus. Let me out of here.

This is not okay. Boy, if you want to pat that man, effective man. Okay, so you push the guard over. Right after him, he's just like, he's like, ah. Damn it. Fucking cunt.

I'm now, okay. So you're man, man. Man, man. And then sometimes if things go wrong, man-man. So if I'm man-man, I figured that it would just be like man squared, basically. Like double-haired? Two rows of teeth! Two rows of teeth?

Yes! Four arms! That's when I'm man man though Not man man Yeah yeah yeah Because man man is like The bad version of man man Yeah

When you're like man man You've just basically got All the strength But none of the Horribleness of man man I imagine you being like Heart Like bigger

Yeah But not heaps bigger I'd be like Six foot five Yeah Two hearts probably Two hearts that's good Basically like one.

It's almost maybe kind of like twins-esque. You've got your Arnie and your Danny DeVito. Your man, man and your man, man. Yeah. Except the Danny DeVito man, man is like, imagine Danny DeVito, but also like two rows of teeth. Yeah. Four arms.

Real gross. Four legs. Two belly buttons. You got two. I reckon. Why does that one hurt? Why does two belly buttons feel wrong? Because it's medically a problem. That's why.

I feel like both man-mans are going to have two belly buttons. That's true. What are the powers? The good man-man is going to have it like symmetrical. You can just say man-man. I know which one you mean. But man-man is going to have it all gross. Maybe on top of each other or overlapping.

What are the powers of a man? Clever. Intelligence. Yeah, like adaptable. Adaptable? They're super adaptable now. You can make a tool out of anything. So the food chain is like dogs. Yep. Yep. People.

That's exactly the food chain. Oh, there's like... Dogs? That was the circle of life. Man, man. I miss my favorite scene in Lion King where Mufasa's like, look, there's a circle of life. The dog eats the man.

No, the man eats the dog. The man eats the dog, then the dog dies and becomes grass. And the dog eats that. And that's why it's all right for us to eat antelopes. What I was trying to say, so grass, dogs, man, man, man. So you become the apex predator.

Yeah. Did the grass eat the dogs? No, the other way, you're reading it from top to bottom. You said it from top to bottom. No, I said it from bottom to top. Grass, dogs, man, man, man. Some dogs eat grass to help with their digestion. Fine, fucking.

Dog, kangaroo. No, fucking... Dog, kangaroo... No, no, no, no, no, no, no. What? Grass, gazelle, dog, man, man, man. There we go. There we go. Godzilla. My fucking antagonist.

Godzilla comes and goes, I'm higher than you in the food chain. I'm like, I'll fucking bash you, cunt. I get milk. You do get milk. I like that my superpower is bashings. Well, you can punch twice as hard. Yeah.

But twice as hard as a regular man. Yeah. Was it an athlete, the radioactive man, or just like a schlub? In between. Just a man. Just a guy. Just the radioactive man, or just like a schlub? In between. Just a man. Just a guy. Just the average man. Blasted with radiation.

So basically you're like average plus. No, I'm man-man. Oh. The apex man. Can you jump? Like what's the average height like a man can jump? Whatever the average of everything is times it by two. Alright. So you're like, well... But that could be an issue because like...

You become an athlete? I was gonna but that could be an issue because like become an athlete i was gonna say that could be an issue because like what's the average speed that someone runs 100 meters yeah i'm gonna find out like how fast has old mate usain bolt run 100 meters am i still slower than him yeah are you basically like you could enter a decathlon because you're you're an all-rounder yeah but really good like a good all-rounder yeah someone say a great all-rounder. Yeah, but really good. Like a good all-rounder. Yeah. Some would say a great all-rounder. You're like a jack of all trades, but master of none.

While you can kind of compete with a 100-meter sprint, you're not going to come first, but you're going to do pretty fucking good. No, I'm a jack of all trades and a master of all trades. I wouldn't say master, because again, if the average is like twice, right? But Usain Bolt still beats that.

For instance, though, the average reaction time for someone. Yeah. If you were to halve that, that would probably put me as the quickest reaction ever. Do you know what I mean? Like some things, if you were to double or halve it. Yeah, well, I mean, I just looked it up and the average speed of a punch. Yes. Like a thrown punch is apparently 25 miles per hour.

So you're at 50 miles per hour. You're at 50 miles per hour for any punch. Which is like, that's a car going relatively slowly. Well, no, 50 miles an hour is like 80 Ks. Is it? Are you miles? Yeah. Yeah, well, there you go.

I will kill someone with my punch. Good, cop that. I think it's 50 Ks. I'm like, Be careful around school zones You could kill a toddler But you could kill a toddler anyway at 80k I could kill a toddler If that's the question here

Killing a toddler is not hard Just leave him in a pool unattended Done Does that mean you can type twice as far I was like human skills but it gave me like office skills Multitasking. Fuck you, decent at it. I can

perfectly multitask between two activities. You're a champion. Jump fairly high. Pretty high. Not as high as if you got bit by something that jumps high. I got no chance against Goatman or Mangote, but Man Man definitely beats regular man.

When you're Man Man, do you get twice everything? Double the amount of skin? Yeah. Well, yeah, no, because we're going to have- Thick skin. Thick skin. Thick skin, four eyes. Two noses.

Two noses. Sniff twice as hard. How many smells can you smell? Two mouths, but next to each other, and they overlap in the middle. Man-Man is terrifying. It sounds like three mouths. Man-Man is pretty good because I'm guessing Man-Man gets like the double everything

so his senses become increased. Why doesn't he get like Spartans or whatever? He basically gets like double the hearing, double the vision, double the sense. You're kind of like a sort of worse Captain America. Yeah. Except cleverer. Yeah, Because Captain America is an amplifier. Except cleverer.

Yeah, you're a bit smarter. Yeah. It's like almost- Less racist. Less racist than Captain America inevitably must be. And sex, less sexist. Yeah, yeah. More tolerant.

Twice as tolerant. Twice as tolerant. Although how tolerant is the regular person? I mean, there's some bad blokes out there. That's the trouble. You're going to have your bitten by one. Is it based on the guy that bit you? It's based on the guy that bit me.

So the guy that bit you was like, I have a heart condition. Now you have the heart condition. No, I've only got half a heart condition in that situation. Because your non-heart condition would sort of merge with it. If he had a regular set of kidneys, do you know I have three kidneys or two? Three. Two.

No, it would be two, but it would be the same situation I've got currently where I've got one big one, I'd have two big ones. Yeah, yeah. All right, that's not too bad. That seems medically bad. No, that's fine. Two big kidneys, is that good?

Yeah, because kidneys, you actually only use one at a time. All right. So, like like kidneys are a weird thing where like you're meant to have two because like the strain can be split but what like

kidneys don't actually work at exactly the same like as in like say you're digesting your piss it doesn't directly go it doesn't go

half half into kidneys it's like this piss will go through one kidney the next piss might go through the other so like as long as you have one function you split the load yeah you split the load yeah share the load share the piss load um what was i gonna say share the load fuck you frodo it's like fucking one, not even a mile. Give him the ring.

Anyway. Man, man. I'm pro him. But also like it's almost to the point where you wouldn't be worth telling anyone. Like Spider-Man being like I was bit by a radioactive spider. Immediately you're like, I get it. A fella bit me. Like and now you're pretty good.

Pretty good. Yeah, you just become pretty good. Not quite Captain America, because we've got to assume Captain America is like four times or five times your average human. He can lift up a fucking helicopter. You can lift up, say, a moped. Wait, is it you that gets bitten? What do you mean? What? Like as in Dusha.

Yeah. Because like, I wouldn't call you average. Ah, that's true. I'd say above average for sure. I'd say there are some skills where you are and some skills where you are not. Well then- Anyone that I'm not. Marathon running.

What? Marathon running. Oh, that sounds like someone said Marilyn running. Marilyn running. You can't run over Marilyn Monroe even if you damn try. Marathon running. Endurance running. Yeah.

You're probably not great at it, but that means that he becomes fine at it. Yeah. I was gonna say like, and then basically a lot of uh i'd say like weight lifting that kind of stuff like no but like think about weight lifting though like i'd probably be fine on average like as in like if you were to look at put all the human beings on like i'm not gonna stand here like the average i'm like that's what i'm because i know like there's an average thing where it's like if you can lift like actually five kilo like i was trying to find in front of you parallel to the ground and if you can lift like a five kilo weight in front of you parallel to the ground. And if you can hold that for like a minute, you're doing better than a lot of people.

And that's real easy. Which is, it's a weird thing. And like I had this discussion with someone when I was helping them move a couch and they dropped a couch on me and I caught it. I'm actually pretty strong, but not because of like gym strong strong just because I've worked at a place where like I'm carrying like 15 bags of popcorn 15 kilo bags of corn for popcorn quite frequently so I was like what is the average here

I found some these are your weaknesses the average human spends about a third of their life asleep enjoy spending double that or would it be half that when double that? Or would it be half that? When it comes to weaknesses, would it be half? The average human needs

seven hours of sleep a night. So does that mean he needs 14? Do I need 14 or three and a half? Well, you're double the average human. His work week would be fucked because I'm guessing he needs 14 hours of sleep, but he'd be awake for how long are we? 21, but he'd be awake for... How long are we?

21. So you'd be awake for... The average human produces 25,000 quarts of saliva. I'm going to be a spinny person. Stop, criminal! I'll cut you, cunt! But look, the human brain can, in the course of a lifetime, store up to a quadrillion separate bits of information. I'm going to get two quadrillion, mate.

I'll remember your birthday real good. The chance of a man in the US to get cancer is 50%. Enjoy 100% cancer. Enjoy that. That's all right. At some point in my life, I'm going to% cancer. Enjoy that. That's all right. At some point in my life, I'm going to get cancer. But no, if he's got lung cancer, right? He's got to take out the cancer in those set of lungs

because he's got another set. Yeah. So again, it kind of bounces out. But yeah, your work week would be fucked because you've got to sleep for seven hours, but you're awake for 34. No, you've got to sleep for 14 and be awake for... Sorry, 14 and you're awake for 34? No, you're going to sleep for 14 and be awake for... Sorry, 14, and you're awake for 34.

Your work week is very fucked. You're going to spend four weeks of your life kissing when you die. Anyway. What? The average person spends two weeks of their life kissing, apparently. You'll spend four weeks. I'm assuming that's how it works. Smooch boy.

Also, again, because I think a lot of the Western world especially, we're getting progressively more averagely shitter, yeah? I think maybe. It depends. Again, it depends because we're also getting smarter. So you might end up kind of like WALL-E, the humans from WALL-E, but like genius. Yeah, that's all right.

But then also, no see here's the thing though if i'm a genius i'm not gonna end up in a situation like wally because i'm gonna be like that's true you're gonna be like because common sense will prevail at some point i'll be like i'm getting real fucking fat yeah i'm gonna walk and fight crime lift this door handle you get no cool specific powers though though, as man-man. You know what I mean? It's just like... My charm's through the roof.

Well, yeah, but it's just like you bumped your stats instead of choosing anything fun. You're just like, yeah, I'll just be better at everything, but I'll get no, like, goat abilities or snail slug abilities. You're basically, like, on a D&D sheet. You're basically 18 on everything. Yeah. That's all right.

Which is good. It's good. Like, don't get me wrong. You make a great paladin. Yeah. That's alright. Which is good. It's good. Don't get me wrong. You'd make a great paladin in 3.5 but like, what else? What are you going to do? It's like choosing Mario. You're good. You chose Mario. No, I chose...

You did choose Mario. No Mario, because again, that would be like... If I got bitten by Mario, that'd be alright. Jump. Then I'd be jumping Luigi that'd be all right. Jump. Real high. Then I'd be jumping Luigi height. That's true. Jumping Luigi height and get a sick mo.

But also won't be eating shit like Luigi. None of those slipping when I run. Yeah, that's true. Can I choose another one? Yeah. Snail. I've gone for another slimy one. Yeah.

So it's the same as the worm, but worse. But I get a house on my back. No, wait, clam. Producer Pearl, get rich. Also a house, I guess. Also a house, and again, hard to hide your secret entity. What does a clam man look like? Does he have to be in the sea?

Do I fold like this? I know the listeners couldn't hear that, but if you want. You're basically doubled over. And then I'm like, ba-ba-ba-ba. And there's a pearl on my cock. I'm like, guys, one of you needs to irritate my penis and we'll get a pearl out of it in about a month. I don't want it.

Just give it a jab. Irritate it. Irritate it. Irritate that shit. No, what was it? See you it a jab. Irritate it. Irritate it. Irritate that shit right there. No, what was it? See you guys in a month. Put a grain of rice on my penis. It'll come into it.

I've got to do something about it. I've got to put a pearl around that with my saliva and then bam. Although, would you because you have the- That means you're going to be spitting on your own dick for a month. Or because you have the cognitive ability of a man and you also have the powers of a clam, could you then just spit on someone? Whereas Spider-Man wraps them in web,

you wrap them in pearl. Yeah, but it takes a while. So you're there like... So, find a crook. Step one. Step two, kidnap crook. Step three, keep crook locked up in my basement. Spit on him once a day. Step four, give the pearl. Sell the pearl. Get

rich. Could you just keep spitting like every every moment. Maybe I can speed it up. Probably. Because I know like say with Spiderman a normal spider can't produce that much web very quickly. So you could be like Pearl.

And then you could hurl that pearl at someone. And the robber's like oh pearl I like to imagine rolling it into the police station. Another crook for you, gentlemen. They're gonna break him out. This is a pearl. And then if you crack it open, there's a dead man. So long, citizens.

He's like sticking out of the pearl. Like an arm and a leg and a head. Please help. The pressure is hurting me body. I don't really know how I locomote as a clam. I don't know if clams move. Wait, can a clam swim? Do they have a long tongue?

Yes, and potentially a long penis. Is that the one where they just jerk off into the ocean and hope? Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of benefits to being a clam. I don't know how you get from jerk off into the ocean and hope as a benefit. It's not a negative. I feel like I'd move the same way a clam does by just, like, from Jerkoff into the ocean and hope as our benefit. It's not a negative. I feel like I'd move the same way a clam does by just, like, propelling myself and hoping that I end up...

It only works if you're in the sea. I'm a sea guy now. You have to be sea-based. Marry a mermaid. All right. I mean, like, sure, it's an option. Then you won't need to conceal your secret identity because she'll be like, that's all right, I'm a mermaid.

I'm a mermaid, you're a man who is a clam, that's fine. You'd be associated with the Atlanteans. Yeah, well look, but that's, I'll take it. I'll be like, whatever, I was bitten by a radioactive clam somehow. And a shark comes along and goes, hop, hop, and that's it for me.

That's good. I like man clam out of this because I imagine just a regular clam that opens up my head oh my god it was dark in there don't let it shut please I will close it straight away please do it no no no it's gonna spit around me

I'm gonna be a clam lobster man oh snip one big fist one not so big fist He's going to spit around me. I'm going to be a clam. Lobster man. Oh, snip. Yeah. One big fist, one not so big fist. That's pretty good. One big punch, one little slap. I keep growing.

I'm a growing boy. Like constantly. Never stop me. And someone might eat you. Someone might eat my delicious white meat. Wait, if you swim in hot water, will you start to scream? Of course. But not me. My body. Your body will just make a very loud high-pitched noise. Everyone's like, what's doing

that? I'm like, it's the air escaping. I'm just having a bath. Every time I have a shower, MJ being like, I'll just run you a hot bath. We're back in Sydney again. Please not too hot, MJ. I will boil. I just need a, why are you frying up garlic and butter MJ MJ don't you love me

It tastes like pork and lobster at once That's tasty I like that you'd keep growing and to figure out your secret identity You just have to be like Who else do I know that won't stop growing Oh that's right that Joel's hammered fella He's a real big lad Some might be medical with him.

He's half lobster. And, like, that one giant forearm. Ah, man. One regular forearm. And man lobster, like, it's just a lobster with a man's face. A lot of the man ones aren't so terrible. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Although, just like, because it's a rabid lobster. Yeah. You'd be like a rabid clam. A rabid clam is unpleasant. But like a clam is so sedentary. It's not the kind of thing that's going to come get you. Would you get, you don't get extra limbs, do you? As lobster man.

As lobster man, but as man lobster you do. Yeah, but as lobster man, you're like, you know, like at the start we were like, you get three odd powers from whatever animal you've chosen. are the powers of a lobster other than big punch at least i got come everywhere that's not a power snips is more a power than having a cum snips big hand what else so hang on all right since you've somehow turned this into a competition between clam man and lobster man. Yeah. I'll be the judge. We've got big snip versus big cum. Yep.

Uh-huh. Strong versus has a house. Make a pearl is a house. I'm a house. Immortal, basically, but does, you know. Constantly growing. Constantly growing. Lives for a while, probably.

Let's see. Powers of a lobster. I like the. Constantly growing Lives for a while probably Powers Of a lobster Powers of a clam It's the ultimate Showdown in New York City Lobster man vs A clam man Clam man is

A man Get me pictures of clam man Jackson Alright six incredible facts that will change the way you think about lobsters. Okay, what do we got? They're very sensitive. That sucks. Oh, the next one is not good either. What is it?

Lobsters smell with their feet. Oh, no. Lobsters feel pain and just like us, they can learn to avoid it. I guess that's fine. That's good. What do you mean learn to avoid it? So you can just be like, I don't. This is sad.

Yeah. Lobsters can't go into shock. So when you boil them alive, they're just experiencing that. That's pretty funny. A hundred facts about clams. Oh. Oh, wait. I seek out.

Game on. Lobsters seek safe spaces when stressed. That's good. They never get old. Something we knew. A hundred facts about clams. Oh! Lobsters seek safe spaces when stressed. That's good. They never get old. Clams live in the sand upside down. So basically I have to now smell through my feet. I can't go into shock, which is nice. I'm always very level-headed.

Big snips. Well, I can live for up to 35 years. That's a real improvement. I don't have eyes and ears or a nose. Maybe we should have looked at these before you made...

Yeah. Does it say... Does any mention of having a cum? Having big cums. Claims don't have brains. But I assume I do. I can't breathe air. That's not good. Lobsters, they can tell when there's a change in temperature by one degree.

Well, that's good for being boiled alive. I'm always going to make sure the shower is always a good 28 degrees, please. It is currently 31. I'm not shocked. I'm just aware that I'm too hot. I'm aware that this is not good.

Would I get like a carapace? What is it called? An exoskeleton, like the shell the shells are weak, I'd just get you with one of those while we're fighting in New York I'd get one of those lobster shockers and just crack your, eat you delicious I like the idea that you guys

are fighting and then I just come and eat both of you as man men who is like delicious clams I just want to point out that fact 70 is a clam has only two goals in life to eat and to have sex hence the phrase happy as a claim i'm happy as a claim um yeah look all of the facts about clams are about eating clams so I assume that man man is just going to slurp you up. I'm a living being.

I'm happy as a clam, motherfucker. I'm happy as a clam, cunt. Somehow the radioactive clam bit you. Yeah. I imagine you just tried to steal its pearl and it shot. Holy shit, that's worth like a billion dollars. Jackson pearls aren't that worth much money? Ow!

Ow! What? What's happening to me? I'll make my own pearl. One of you irritate my penis. It's really disgusting. Yes, it is. Imagine a claim that you open up and it's just a cock.

Irritate me. I'm going to put you in the sea, Jackson. No. I'm alive. I don't want to eat this clam anymore. That's how you defeat man-man or man-man. Defeat either of the man-mans Oh, there's just a cock in here No

Oh, that's grotty I would like man-man verse, please Give me all of the man-mans coming together Day of the men-men That's what my man-man verse would. Day of the men-men. That's what my man-man verse would be called. It would just be men.

It's just a lot of guys. Starks. Just heaps. The occasional woman-woman. That's good. I like woman-woman. We'd make a good man, man family. Man family. Wait, would it be woman, man?

And then there's got to be the reality where man was bit by a woman. Look, there's a lot going on. There'd be woman, man, and then there'd be man, woman. Yep. And then there'd be woman, woman. Well, actually, what would probably happen is it'd probably be man, girl. Yeah, that's true. Because a lot of superheroes, like it's supergirl, batgirl.

You don't have super... Oh, you sometimes get superwoman. Spiderwoman. It happens. But it is rare, you're right. Actually, no. Why do we have spiderboy? Yeah, that's true.

Where is the spiderboys? Well, because Spider-Man's usually like, I'm not a boy, I'm a man. Shut up. I guess it's got Superman and Superboy. Yeah, that's true. I feel like that in Marvel, which is, I just have decided this is where man man takes place, it would be, yeah,

man woman. Man woman. That's good. No, actually, no, sorry. No, wait. Yeah, yeah. Because I'm, man woman would still be being bitten by a radioactive man. Yes. So, it would still be being bitten by a radioactive man. Yes.

So it would still be double female, but... I'm so lost. I feel like we're doing a very complicated form of maths. No, because like... Okay, let's divide man-man up. I'm called man-man because I was bitten by a man in the same way as Spider-Man, Spider-Man. Man-woman... Was bitten by a man in the same way as Spider-Man. Man woman

was bitten by a man just the same way Spider-Woman is still bitten by a spider. I don't know why we're pronouncing woman like woman. Wouldn't it just be man woman? It would be man woman. Yeah, but it's more fun to say man woman. And this doesn't make sense because

presumably we're all alternate versions of Spider-Man, so it's still Spider-Verse. It's just that in one corner of that Spider-Verse arc, there's also a Clam-Man, a Man-Man, and a Lobster-Man. Spider-Man doesn't talk about us very much. In the background, I'm just hearing irritate my penis.

I was bitten by a man, Spider-Man's like, I'm glad that I don't see This side of things Terribly off I scream when I get too hot Yeah Yeah It's sure

It's not But not out of my mouth I'm a very sensitive fellow I like that you're Just really defensive About that I'm not screaming From my mouth

I don't care It's out of my character I'm not upset It happens sometimes Guys It's not a problem But don't worry Nothing you say Can shock me I have 100% cancer rate I'm not upset. It happens sometimes. It's not a problem for me. But don't worry, nothing you say can shock me.

I have 100% cancer rate. Man spider, it's fine. I will definitely get cancer. How you doing? I'm man man. That's just statistics. I have spent four years kissing. I've spent four years of my life kissing. Four weeks, I think. That's good.

I produce a lot of saliva, Spider-Man. How you doing? Why don't you open me? It's just a clam with a dick. It's complicated. It's all right. My days are 48 hours, Spider-Man. It's okay.

I'm going to live to 35. I just keep growing. That's what I've been given. Anyway, is there a problem we can help with? What's going on? Where's Venom? Oh, man. Venomize me.

Symbiote man. That's just very powerful. Symbiote clam man. Incapable of doing anything. A black clam with just like a real slimy monster cock inside. Yuck. Make a Venom pearl. Somethinguck. Make a venom pearl. Something about that's kind of appealing.

I mean, it's something. Maybe. And lobster venom. I'm a fan of that too. I think lobster venom's the best venom. Although goat man has a venom. I forgot about it. He just becomes Satan.

I just become like basically what venom looks like when he's not on someone. Yeah. Oh, this is a deep cut. But Worm Venom would look like neither of you have played this game. But I'm hopeful. No. I'm hopeful.

Surely it's a popular game. In Skyward Sword, like the Zelda game. Yeah. There's an enemy that you have to fight a couple of times. I forget what it's called. It's like this giant worm with legs and like a gross game. Yeah. There's an enemy that you have to fight a couple of times and I forget what it's called. It's like this giant worm with legs and like a gross teethy mouth. That's what I'd look like when venomized. Yes.

Who wins in a fight? Man-Man. Man-Man, I can eat you. Man-Man definitely beats Clam-Man. Anybody beats Clam-Man. Lobster-Man v. Man-Man. I feel like Man-Man can just crush your shell yeah like lobster man V worm man

well and lobster man sorry and then man man V goat man goat man who would win go to a man well your ability is attacking heads and man man has a skull twice as thick as a regular man's

you did it twice maybe it's gonna crack one skull after the other and you've got it the imprisoned was the name of the venomized worm man it's good to know it was definitely on my mind I was fucking stressing about it

so goat man versus man man would be what happens when an immovable object gets hit by an unstoppable force but the immovable object would be my head and the unstoppable force would be what happens when an immovable object gets hit by an unstoppable force. But the immovable object would be my head and the unstoppable force would be your head. So when two heads collide, there's only one winner, the reader.

That's you, true believer. On that note, I've been Goatman. I've been Clamman. And I've been Joel the Man-Man. Here comes the Spider-Man! Thanks for listening and if you want to follow us on Twitter you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually

I'm at Douche13 I'm at OldDogsOfDead and I'm at GodDammitZammit If you want to hear our other shows you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there There's heaps and if you want to support us

head to SandspantsPlus.com Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.