Plumbing the Death Star - Which Would Be The Hardest Fictional Dog to Train?

Episode Date: January 16, 2022

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Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I am Joel Dusha. I am Jackson. Yo, speak up, Tom. I had a bunch of spit in my mouth. What were you saying? I'm Jackson Bailey. Okay, nice to meet you. I had a bunch of spit in my mouth. What were you saying? I'm Jackson Bailey. Okay, nice to meet you.

I'm Joel Salmon. And today we're asking the important questions like, which would be the hardest fictional dog to train? Well, training a regular real life dog Easy Sit, good Sit, stand, fuck over Sit, stand, fuck over You get a bit of sausage or whatever

Good Fistful of nuts or whatever Dogs eat Dogs love peanuts Fistful of nuts or whatever Dogs eat as a treat Dogs love a fistful of nuts It's a fucking peanuts Penuts, Brazil nuts, whatever Dogs love nuts

Unshelled cashews You gotta work for it But fiction is rife with untrainable dogs Yeah There's too many Dogs in real life Can go from small to big. Yeah.

And from unruly and potentially murderous to kind and sweet and beautiful on the inside. All dogs on the outside look the same to me. Oh, nice generic dog. I can't see a breed. Nice dog. It's a Dachshund. I wouldn't know. Yeah, I can't see a breed. Nice dog, it's a Dachshund. I wouldn't know. Yeah, I don't know.

All dogs look the same to me. I feel like there's some dogs that are untrainable. Yeah. Like Old Yeller. Can't train him. Can't train him, gonna kill him. Take him behind a shed. He's done, he's done. What do you do, you take Old Yeller behind a shed,

you forgot the gun, you gotta punch him to death. That's so bad. Lassie untrainable, constantly going out of the room, doing her own. Stop that, Lassie. There's a boy in the well. I don't care. Lassie. I know, Lassie. I put him there. I'm killing boys, Lassie. In wells, Lassie. Stop telling me. God.

You better not be telling anyone else, because if I find out, and I gotta go down for all these boys that I've been murdering. I'm putting Lassie in the well. I'm putting, yeah. I know you're in the well, Lassie. God, I wish I knew how to train you. I hate that you can only communicate in what is relation in wells. Every morning, bark, bark.

Yes, I know there's water in the well. Yes, I know. What's water wells for? I'm demolishing the well. Then Lassie gets really depressed. Now where am I going to keep all my dead boys? You've made being a terrible serial killer very difficult and not very fun, Lassie. I hope you know this.

I thought we'd have fun adventures. I thought we'd murder boys together and have a good time. You've taken the joy out of this. You're a dog. Why do you care about a human life? Why is this a chore? To be honest? You know what?

I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want you happy. You happy? I've turned over a new leaf. I'm a good guy now. Yeah. You have lost this to chore. To be honest. You know what? I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want you happy. You happy? I've done it over newly if I'm a good guy now. Yeah. You have a terrible stain on my soul.

The weight of killing those little boys in the well will inevitably eat at me. Previous Saul this last year I was fine. I was untarnished. I loved it.

I would claim I would go to heaven still. Now you've made me realize I'm destined for the fiery pit. Yeah, exactly. I thought I was doing the world a favor. But now I realize that it was a not favor.

I've become so frustrated with you, Lassie, that I'm good now. And Lassie just stares at your tongue out panting because it is a dog. An untrainable dog. Absolutely untrainable. Can't train it. I was going to say Skippy, not a dog. No, but hard to train because it's a kangaroo. I'd also feel, oh, no, I guess Skippy's easy to train, but not doesn't count because it's not a dog, because he's blowing the leaf on the gum leaf.

Yeah, that's true, and then it seems to be like... Is that easy for a, can you do that to a kangaroo? It just feels... I don't think you really train a kangaroo. Yeah, they come up, yeah, you whistle at a kangaroo, it comes up and just bunches you square in the dick and nuts. Yeah, that is... Oh, my testicles! All my nuts!

I trained you to do this! My bag is empty. His tail and the slam is two big, meeky paws right in your dick and nuts. My sack's been flipped inside out by your booting. But this is good because, Skippy, you were easy to train.

This is what I wanted. Thank you. There you go. Awesome. It's a fistful of nuts or whatever. Good boy, Skippy. I'm spending my time well on this remote station in the middle of the hour.

I'm handling isolation well, I feel. Hey, you want to see a neat trick that I taught Skippy? Yeah, give me that cup. Boing, boing, boing. Yeah, good boy. You did it well. Are you impressed? It's funny either way.

He's just watching traumatized. Is that the trick? Yes. It's funny because if it's not the trick, but you're trying to play it off like it's the trick, that's funny. But if it not the trick, but you're trying to play it off like it's the trick, that's funny. But then if it is the trick, also good. Anyway, who wants dinner?

And then he goes outside. And the kids are like, is Skippy gonna do that to me? I don't know. You try blowing his leaf. No. You blow it, Skippy, while I cook dinner. I don't want to. Okay.

I'll do it again. Oh my god. Go, boy, skip. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. I don't want to. Okay. I'll do it again. Oh my God. Good boy Skip. Here's a sausage or whatever. Oh, he loves handfuls of nuts. So yeah, those easy to, well, hard to train, hard to train, easy to train. Yeah. But ultimately all trainable. Yeah.

It's just the gradient. Yeah. But I think a fictional dog that you can't train or if you could train, easy to train. But ultimately all trainable. Yeah, it's just the gradient. But I think a fictional dog that you can't train, or if you could train, it's not going to go well, is Clifford, the big red dog. Okay, yeah. First of all, he's too big. Honestly, yeah. I live in a fucking three-bedroom townhouse.

There's not a lot of space. Like, we have a cat. He could take up the whole backyard. Probably too big for the backyard. He's not a lot of space. Like we have a cat. He could take up the whole backyard. Probably too big for the backyard. His head's in the neighbor's backyard. Yeah. His tail's in the other backyard. It is a townhouse.

So therefore the backyard is less a backyard and more a courtyard. Yeah. He's actually thinking about the size of Clifford. Not fitting. Could probably fit in the lounge room just standing still. Yeah. Dogs are known for that. Well, I learned recently whippets can't sit.

Did you know this? Whippets can sit. They just don't like it because they've got a bony arse. Yeah, so mostly what they do is just stand up. Yeah. Whippets are so good. They rule. What a great dog.

Whippets, Italian greyhounds, and regular greyhounds. Lurchers. Mamma mia. Awesome dogs. I guess if Clifford was to sit down on his haunches and put his paws up, he could probably go into your house, but he would break. Yeah, it's too story-full. I would be scared if Clifford was going to sit that a chair would go in his arsehole.

Because he's big enough. Hey, please take a seat. Not that one. You don't want to sit on that one. It's been in the dog What do you mean? It's been in his arsehole He sat on the chair

If he sits basically anywhere in his house Stuff goes up him Potentially very dumb question Yeah So the bigger an animal becomes The bigger the noose becomes Surely yeah Yeah

So how big is the biggest noose? How big is the biggest anus? What do you mean how big is the biggest noose? How big is the biggest anus? What? What do you mean, how big is the biggest anus? Oh, like a whale, right? But it's in the sea. They've got different anuses, though.

Okay, what about an elephant noose? I'm going to Google something very dangerous here. Oh, no. Like, but I'm guessing because it's still- Yeah, private browsing on, I reckon.

It's still, you know, dilates and whatever. It's gripping stuff. I guess I could have left private browsing off because this is connected to the Sanspence account. So when what has the biggest anus? Yeah, how does that work?

I mean, I don't know enough about anuses, but if Clifford sat on like a stool, would it go up him or would it just get crushed? Okay. It wouldn't go in him or would it just get crushed? It wouldn't go in him. Okay, so that's not biggest. What is it? What's the alternative?

It's a solid bit of... It might just get crushed on him. You might not have your furniture in Clifford's arsehole. Unless it was in the right position. Yeah. But then surely also the Clifford, the moment the stool was going,

it would be like... And would just sit up and it would just... But I mean, he's like a heavy... Can an elephant stop itself from sitting? Now you're just saying the dumbest shit. You just catch yourself a little. And you're just like, what the fuck? What does that mean?

What could you possibly be saying right now? Are you like, oh, well, it's just that they're controlled too much by inertia? Yeah. Because they can get up again. They can get up again. But maybe you're right. Maybe at the midpoint in this shit.

There's got to be a point in our lives when our knees give way Like in about two years Where if we're sitting down Well I'm committed That's it, there's no getting up from this But if there was a little butt plug on the thing Would it go in me if I sat on it?

Yeah, and you're like, well I'm committed Yeah, like I can't avoid it Like with an elephant, if it's sitting down And then he's realised, oh no, I'm gonna sit on this butt plug He'll be like, oh I'm committed or can they be like or is it just depend on the elephants like the fitness level and i also i just don't know where an elephant's anus is what do you mean well yeah but like i don't know like where like if it sits is the anus facing directly down on an elephant or is it like another weird angle what do an elephant, or is it at, like, another weird angle?

What do you mean? No, no, I get it. Like, animals have anuses at weird angles and shit, and genitals are all fucking akimbo. Who knows? Yeah, so I don't know what the hell's going on under that tail. I don't know currently where's mine pointing. And I don't know when an elephant sits,

if it sits anus to the ground, or if it does some other shit. Well, I mean, you'd surely figure that out from just watching the animal sit once. No, I think I've seen an elephant sit

and I still don't know. But you know where the... But I don't know where the elephant's anus is. If an elephant's standing... Yeah. Also, it's a blue whale, by the way.

40 inches or some shit. That's huge. If an elephant's standing... Also, it took me a bit to find that, so it could also be wrong. So that's why I'm not leaning too heavily on it. Yeah, feckle, feck standing. Also, it took me a bit to find that so it could also be wrong so that's why I'm not leaning too heavily on it.

Fekul, Fekul, Fekul. Don't want to get caught out. And also accidentally started reading about horrible things. I can imagine. You did disappear for a bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You went down an anus hole. I did go down an anus hole and I was like, it was mentioning stuff and I was like, I know what this is about. I don't want to read about that guy again.

Yeah, that's fair. People are sitting at home being like, what guy does he mean by that guy? There's a movie about it. There's another clue. Well, okay, so the thing with Clifford is that the more you love him... Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Let's back up for a second. If you see an elephant sit down, do you know what an elephant's anus is when the elephant's standing? No, because I don't know. I don't know what the anus is. It's either higher or lower than... I just don't know the angle, because it doesn't have cheeks.

My anus goes directly out my cheeks, right? Cheek on either side, anus in the middle. An elephant's got no anus, so like what, where the fuck is- An elephant's got an anus. I mean, it's got no cheeks. Yeah, but like- Wait, they have- The same way that like a cat-

But they've got like haunches. Yeah. Yeah, like you know what a cat butthole is on a cat, yeah? So you know when a cat's sitting. Does an elephant sit like a cat? But Yeah, like you know what a cat butthole is on a cat, yeah? So you know when a cat's sitting. Does an elephant sit like a cat? They sit differently, they sit weird. Do they?

Do they sit? No, don't elephants sit like a cat? I don't think elephants even sit, bro. Well, they would, but they would go like... Private browsing on how do elephants sit. I think the anus is facing, it's facing like to the front of the elephant when it sits. What? What do you mean by the front of it? Like this.

Oh, right, right, right, right, right. I get you. Like the anus is pointing between the elephant's front feet. So they've scooched themselves so their feet is sticking out. Yeah, so the anus might be pointing forward, not onto the earth.

The anus is 100%. That's anus to the floor. That is anus to the floor, dude. Give it here. It's basically like... You don't know where an elephant's anus is, do you? I, dude. Give it here. It's basically like... You don't know where an elephant's anus is, do you? I've said that so many times. You see where his tail is.

It's underneath the tail. Let me see where the tail is. It's in the same... Relatively, an elephant and a cat have the same butthole position. This elephant that's sitting on a log like a toilet, that I can understand. What? Is an elephant sitting on a log like a toilet? That's the craziest way I've seen an elephant sit. It's sitting like a toilet. That I can understand. What? Is an elephant sitting on a log like a toilet?

That's the craziest way I've seen an elephant sit. It's sitting on a toilet. It looks like a man with a trunk. That's fucked up. I don't like this at all. Take your phone back. You're not reaching out to take it from me. No, it's all right.

Thank you. Just put it on the table. Jesus, we appreciate that. Clifford the Big Red Dog. Way too big. But Clifford grows as you love him. Love is what. Clifford the Big Red Dog. Way too big. But Clifford grows as you love him. Love is what powers Clifford. Yeah.

So how much do you love Clifford? Well, I guess if it wrecks my house. Because I think, I don't love Clifford at all. So then Clifford just stays the normal size. No, he gets smaller. I hate him. So I was going to say, well, you're not, okay. I was going to say, because if you love Clifford, he gets bigger.

And I guess if you hate Clifford Like Jack's got a tiny one But what if you were like Rather like I don't know Clifford neutral Well then he would just be Like a dog size

Yeah yeah So I guess you've got to Love him to a good size And then just be like Nah I'm finished with Loving this dog Okay so you're going Okay

How small can Clifford get then Is he Well for me I don't know How big can he get Because I've got to Yeah is it like Exponential love

So do you love Clifford Up to a point and then you start, you're like, I've loved him 40% and he's 40% bigger? Or is that not, do you know what I mean? Well, here's another problem.

What, so animals, do dogs know love? Or, yeah, but, or is Clifford just like, can like joy, love, same shit? So like feeding Clifford makes clifford bigger but it's not it's about how much you love clifford not about how much clifford loves you no but i mean like but i feed clifford to clifford growing because clifford thinks i love them because i'm

feeding oh so you're like you're feeding the dog i'm just looking after the dog and it gets huge because the dog is like oh i associate food with yeah i'm being loved by joel and being padded i also yeah you know what i mean yeah yeah so it could be hard to get a small dog without is like, oh, I associate food with love. Yeah, I'm being loved by Joel Boucher. And being padded, I also... Yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it could be hard to get a small dog without neglecting the dog. Well, I was going to neglect the dog.

Yeah. Lock it in the laundry, go to work or whatever. Come back, where's that little dog? He's too small. He's atomic. Then I inhale him. Bada-boom, bada-boom. Inhale him and then he eats your guts

I'm not really trained in my guts Oh my god yeah Actually you inhale him Clifford misinterprets that as love Throws huge inside me I explode He eats all of your Yeah so he's like

This guy is giving me his guts to eat What a lovely gesture You're chest bursted but But it's a dog Chest busted but it's a dog chest busted but it's a dog I think it would be hard to train Clifford in a way

because if you're what if the dog doesn't grow or if he shrinks a bit you're like am I a bad owner what have I done

that's kind of nice because you have a gauge I mean you have a gauge but what if you don't know what did I do and then you're kind of like oh for example if I try to train Clifford by either like,

you know, with the clicks or something like that, he doesn't like it. And he goes, small. I'm like, well, I'm not training him because he hates it. I'm so sorry, boy. And I'd give him food. True. And then like, depending what Clifford likes or what makes him grow bigger. And if I find out that that is what makes, that's why he loves me.

I'd basically maybe train him in bad habits. Yes. Because if I give Clifford ice cream and he's like, I love this. And I'm like, he loves me. I'd basically maybe train him in bad habits. Because if I give Clifford ice cream and he's like, I love this. And I'm like, he loves me. Every time I give him an ice cream sandwich, he gets a bit bigger. But I know. And you're like, yeah, that's just weight gain. Stop giving your dog. You're making your dog fat. That's what ice cream sandwich.

He's not growing in size. The dog knows what cheeseburger is. He should have known What cheeseburger is It's like Like when people learn The taste of human pleasure Drives them mad Dogs have the same thing

With cheeseburgers If a dog figures out What a cheeseburger tastes like It's over Done You're out But Zamit I mean you're the owner

Of two cats currently And like obviously You love these cats And these cats love you But there's boundaries And like the cats Would love to stand on a table They love standing

On a dining room table They do I try to pick them up Like please don't But then No stop there's boundaries and like the cats would love to stand on a table they love standing on the dining room they do i try to pick them up like please don't but then they stop but you do try and stop i do try yeah and you will tell them off when they do a wrong thing yeah spray them with water yeah so presumably if like if they were growing in size from love and neglect or whatever uh spraying them with water would make them shrink a bit and you would feel bad but i mean you already know that. So I think that you might be okay. It's the same with being a parent.

If your kid's being a shithead kid, you've got to pick it up and shake it. Stop that! Calm down! No, no, no. Let's not do that. Stop pushing over the other little boys and be a good little boy. I know well with your name on it.

No, I'm good now, actually. Son, stop making me pick you up and shake you in front of all the other kids. Just set an example. But what if with Clifford, like you were saying earlier, it doesn't make sense. What if one day you're coming home late at night and you hit him with your car? But he's here. Wait, you hit him with his car and he gets bigger. That's not where I thought that sentence was gonna end.

What? So yeah, like, you know when you're just coming home from work one day and you just hit your dog with a car but then it gets big? Yeah! That'd fuck you up! Are my dogs into being hit by cars? Well you wouldn't know what it meant! That'd be confusing! What? Yeah. It would be confusing! I will give you that, I would be baffled!

Why did I run my dog over? Oh my god I hit my dog over! Oh wait, he loved it! He's huge now! He's playing I would also assume That it was Like a fight or flight response If he got big

So he didn't die And then Might hit me Yeah that's fair He might turn around And eat you That would be frightening As well with a big Clifford

Yeah The problem with a big Clifford Is if you've been loving him Way too much A handful of nuts Is not going to I'm going to need Fucking a sack full of nuts.

It just feels like it's an expensive... A full-on nut sack. Yeah. I'm going to need to be like, Clifford, you've been a good dog. Here's a full-on nut sack. You know those nut sacks that you give elephants at the circus? Yeah.

Your dog is huge, but not very healthy. This is the biggest, sickest dog I've ever seen. That's what the vet will say. Have you been feeding this dog just straight nuts? Yeah. Yeah, from a nut sack. Are you doing it for a joke? What?

Are you trying to dog? What joke? Nuts or whatever, right? What joke, vet? Is this funny to you? My dog's very sick. Fix him. Because you feed it nuts.

I don't understand what the hell you're saying to me dude yeah he likes nuts i know it's how i train him how do you think i got to be so well behaved i gave him all these fucking nuts and now you're telling me what are you saying is your dog well behaved or is it just slow because it's very sick yes yeah it's slow yeah because I trained it to be slow slower slower good dog he's a sack full of nuts so with dogs generally like the smaller dogs

they have a bit of a longer lifespan and a larger dog well not as long not as much yeah bad tickle Scooby Doo in canon dead dead at 12 probably less probably between 9 and 12 yeah I would say so Hard ticker. Yeah. Scooby-Doo in canon dead. Dead at 12. Dead from old age. Probably less.

Probably between 9 and 12. Yeah, I would say so. So with Clifford, if he ends up- Didn't even make it to high school. With Clifford, if he ends up basically with a heart the size of Farlaps, is he just going to go out in a very, I guess- You hit him with your car, he gets a huge heart attack then. You don't know what went down.

I guess in many ways what nature wanted to happen, happened, but not in the way that nature intended. Because it just seems that you only have a small time with Clifford. Yeah, absolutely. You can't even train him because, again, that time frame is quite... Your life is just chaos with Clifford and then he dies of old age. No, he just dies of a heart attack. At the ripe old age, you're still a puppy.

I don't know why, but the idea of a dog dying of a heart attack is a bit funny. Yeah, well, it's because it's such a human death. And because you're imagining the dog being like, I am imagining the dog being like, Get me to a hospital! Reggie, run me to a hospital! Ryreka, Ryreka! Because you've got Clifford,

a puppy Clifford the size of say a street. Yeah. And just, yeah, having a heart attack. Yeah, that's sad. And then just collapsing- You gotta hit him a couple times so he gets a little unhealthier. But when I hit him with my car he got big! Not with a car.

Not with a car. Or just don't give him nuts, you don't have to hit him. That's pretty fucked up. Just don't give him nuts and he gets smaller because he thinks you hate him. I just think it'd be, yeah, because if you're riding that wave between he's too big to live to manageable, and then if he's manageable size, he's not having a good time. So he's either going to have to be the happiest dog, but again, dies quick.

Dead puppy. Brightest light burns the fastest. Or miserable, but long-lived. Lives a decent amount of life. The true irony and amount of life. The true irony and cruelty of life. So I guess you don't want to... Clifford's hard to train for the emotional turmoil you experience.

It is a bit of an emotional turmoil. A long, abusive life or a short, good one. It's like, you know, as soon as you get Clifford, you might give him, I don't know, a birthday cake because you're like, welcome to the fam or whatever. And then he's like, has such a great time. And then he eats the cake, gets as big as a house.

Nice. And you're like, well, for that beautiful 12 hours, he was the happiest dog. Or you're like, no, no, no, nothing but, I don't know, water and stale bread. And you're sleeping in this laundry. Yeah. And then he lives to the ripe old age of, I don't know, 68. Yeah. Yeah. So it's a. That lives you, I don't know, 68. Yeah.

That lives you, I guess. Yeah. By 25 years. Wow. That's a bummer. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Ah, man, the back of my laptop is naked and disgusting. Everywhere I go, I see people look and give it stares of discomfort and shame.

If only there was a way of making it pure and right in the eyes of God. Oh shit, yes there is. Sandspantsradio.com slash shop and cover it in far too many stickers. Now no one will question my morals or my faith in the heavenly creator, for I have covered up my laptop's gross dirty bits. Thank you, sanspantsradio.com slash shop, for this wondrous gift. So, I don't know. Yeah, he's a tough dog.

It's a bit of a moral. I hope he cries at my funeral. Yeah, me too. It's fucked up to have a dog at a funeral. Dogs can't mourn. Dogs go to funerals. Dogs can't. Dogs mourn all the time.

What's fucked up is sometimes people, like, bury my dog with me. Yeah, that's fucked up. Don't do that. Bury me with my me. Yeah, that's fucked up. Don't do that. Bury me with my dog. Anyway, I think it's kind of hard just for the emotional turmoil, and I think it would just... No, thank you. Too hard.

I think a dog's big physical difficulty is Crypto the super dog. Superman's dog. So I imagine Superman, he's like, Jackson, I'm busy. You train my dog while I'm gone. Maybe I'll put up flyers. Maybe I need some quick cash. I can train dogs. My name's Jackson, here's the

number. Because Crypto, he's got all the powers of Superman. He's got laser eyes. Laser eyes flying. He's super strong. That's a flying weirdo. I guess. Freeze brand. That's a cape. X-ray vision, got a cape. Can see my balls

whatever he wants knows what I've hidden treats yeah so I can just think you know you put like a treat in one hand

like where is it crypto he just looks at like one hand that it is in uses his laser to burn me a little so I open my hand and he's like

that's good for treats no those nuts were for a treat crypto I tell it to sit and he looks at me and I'm like what if he lasers me I don't want to he x-rays sit and he looks at me and I'm like, what if he lasers me? I don't want to.

He x-rays my balls, I'm sterile. What are you looking at? Why are you looking at my balls? Do I have cancer in the other ball, Krypton the super dog? Are you one of those dogs that can tell when a guy's about to fucking die? Did you just give me fucking my other nut cancer? Did you just fuck my other nut?

Getting down on my knees and holding his stupid golden retriever head in my hand. Did you just fuck up my other nut? Crypto, I swear to fucking God, you have to say. Crypto, did you just ruin my swimmers? Crypto, you gotta tell Crypto. I had perfectly good sperm. I had amazing sperm, Crypto. Crypto.

You fuck a dog. You fucking dog. I hate you. You've wrecked my... You're a fuck a dog, Crypto? Crypto? You fucker dog. You fucking dog. I hate you. You've wrecked my- You're a fucker dog, Crypto. He's not getting smaller. What the fuck? I'm gonna take you to get spaded again.

Revenge. Yeah, you can't neuter or spay that dog. He's got balls of steel, goddamn. Super getting him back and being like, what? Why is he all shaved around the groin i tried to spay him out of revenge but well yeah you can probably tell what happened yeah yeah i'm not hiring you again maybe gave me dick kids

i'll be out of here yeah he gave my other testicle cancer and I think I'm pretty sterile I think I'm having no you know before this my cum was thick

it was great but now it's watery and gross I think I'm guessing I didn't cum I haven't cum yet but I will after this I'm too scared

I didn't want it when he was in the house because again I could put him in the laundry or whatever but he can see through and he can just get out. It's a door.

It's made of not even wood at this point. Yeah, he can just break through. Also, I think realistically, the moment I get crypto, it just flies away. It just slides out of my hand, and I'm like, oh no. If I have a lead, as on crypto's- I'm glad Superman doesn't kill. I'm going to be in such trouble.

If you have just a lead on Crypto and then he just yanks you up, you are now going for a ride and you better hold on to that lead. Because it's not like you can pull back because he's got a neck of steel. So you're like, stop it! And he's like, I'm doing nothing to me, idiot.

Does he just dislocate my arm and then flies off? Well, you would have to very quickly tie it around your arm and, yeah, it will dislocate, but at least you're not falling to your death. I was imagining him just, like, Crypto will just do, like, a lovely, gentle, like, floating off, but dogs bolt. Yeah, yeah. And the moment Arms dislocate. And, like, the

moment that Crypto realizes that you are not as strong as Superman, and he can probably get away with a lot more. Oh, yeah. I mean, you're going to get spit on a billboard. He's going to fly over the billboard and I'm going to swing into it on the lead. Yeah. Yeah. When I was like younger,

when we first got our dog, a little corgi by the name of Tito. This sounds like it's going to be a sad story. It's cute. And like, I was, you know, like three or four or whatever.

And I was like, I want to hold the lead to walk the dog. And my dad, I don't know why I was like, all right, you gave me the lead. Strong for a three or four year old. And I was like, I want to hold the lead to walk the dog. And my dad, I don't know why, was like, all right. Give me the lead. Strong for a three or four-year-old. It must have been like maybe five.

Anyway, held the dog's lead. And Tito looked back and realizes that, oh, I'm basically the same size of this man who is, or this little boy who is holding me. And he ran. Oh, no. I had such a graze on my titties and chest. I think I nearly got like a whole nipple just grazed off on the asphalt

that was a corgi if you amplify that by about a hundred I'm having no facial features no nipple, no genitals because you're imagining him just like crypto just floating off for flying what if he just goes for a run dogs love to run

I fall flat on my face and grind to a baste. Yeah. I stand up and I'm just red down the front of me. Where? Ow. Just like half a super dick.

Um. Uh oh. I have no. My skull's a semicircle. I have no lips calling you guys boys I made a really bad mistake I'm in real trouble right now Superman took advantage of my dog walking business

you know my dog walking business I'm trying to make some money on this time your world's most unsuccessful dog walking business why do you sound so wet Jackson you know how much I love the front of my body make some money on this time. Your world's most unsuccessful dog walking business. Why do you sound so wet, Jackson? You know how much I love the front of my body? Yeah. It's your favorite bit.

Yeah. You love that part of you. Well, I've got some bad news. What's happened, buddy? Can you come pick me up? No worries. Where are you?

I can't see. I can't see. I can't see. My eyes got grounded to the pavement. Oh, no. We'll be right there. Oh, my God, Jackson. I don't know if they can. I know this will suck to hear.

I don't know if they can reattach that. I think you're like this forever. I don't know. Maybe it wasattach that. I think you're like this forever. I don't know if they, maybe if it was in one, but it was like, it was a, it's a paste. Yeah. I look behind, you can't see, but it's behind you. There is, it's just a smear, dude. It starts off a bit pink down the, then it just gets redder.

Is Super, is Crypto the Superdog still around? Oh, no. Oh. He is long gone, man. He's holding a lead and chewed through. Do you think Superman's going to be mad at me? Do you think Superman's going to forgive me? I think he's going to feel really bad, to be honest. Well, I'm not paying you.

You lost my dog. Superman, I'm half a guy from the front. You're a fucking dog dick. Look what he did. I'm fucking half a, what are you, you're not getting financial compensation? No. No. You're a dog.

I paid you for a service. If anything, you owe me money. You, me, you're a super dog. Yeah. Just goes into your back pocket, takes out your wallet, takes out a 50. Well, I hope you ever think about our chat, Superman. Jackson, he's dropping it. Oh, man.

I just get like a paper cutout of myself that I just stick to the front of my body. This will do. This works a little. The mirror looks the same. In the mirror, it looks the same. So yeah, obviously some problems with trying to-

Yeah, there's like a huge problem with- I think the only way you could train crypto is with kryptonite. Oh, that's true.

It's fucked up to be like- I'm going to kryptonite a dog. To punish a dog by making it very sick very briefly. Well, there are some kryptonites that just make him normal.

Oh, that's true. Krypto the normal dog. All you can do is go to a place, like, shut, basically, because he's like Superman, where he gets the power from the Earth's yellow sun. So all we're going to do is make sure. Put him in a hole. Yeah.

You ready for another walkie of the sewers? Yeah. You ready to go underground once more? Why would I get my dog back? Does he smell like shit, Jackson? Well, I'm afraid of being paced. Let me tell you a story. But I like

walking your dog through human shit. Because all you've got to do is only walk him at night. Yeah, true. And during the day, make sure he's nowhere near windows. But also, if he decides that, like you were saying earlier, if I'm like, crypto do this, and he decides not to do that,

what can I do? There's nothing I can do. If I'm like, right. Unless you're a kryptonite. Then there's a lot you can do. Yeah, yeah. If I've got kryptonite. But where am I getting kryptonite?

Where are you getting kryptonite from? Lex Luthor? Yeah. Knock, knock, knock. Mr. Mayor? Mr. President, maybe? Mr. President, can I come in? How did you get into the White House?

I walked. I just did. I knew the address. See, then you've got the problem, though. If you walk up to, say, Mr. President's house, and you're like, hey, can you help me with Superman's dog? He's going to be like, don't worry, Jackson. I'll take care of this.

Oh, thank God. But then you're part of Lex Luthor's nefarious schemes to get back at Superman. And then you know who's going to blame you? Superman. Well, I'm not paying you the $25. You revealed my location to my arch nemesis, Lex Luthor.

Lex Luthor filled Crypto's mouth with a poison kryptonite gas. Well, I didn't tell him. Lex Luthor took my beautiful dog, Crypto, and made him his best friend. Now Crypto hates me. Will Lex pay me $25? I do not know, Jackson. Maybe you should go

ask him. It's hard to make money. I've been on three walks. One to here, one with your dog, and now one from back i'm gonna walk to the white house again oh my god you can fly yeah it's 4 p.m and i've already racked up six and a half thousand steps this is a big day i'm not calling it today's a big day okay this means when i get

home i get to have a good lie down yeah please leave my house. I've got one of those foot spas, Superman. You know those foot massage spas? You just put your feet in them and even- They kind of vibrate a bit and it feels weird. But it kind of also feels awesome, Superman. Do you know those ones? Because you know when you've had a hard day just on your feet? Yeah.

You know what that feels like, Superman? You know what it feels like to have a- Can I sit down, Superman? Do you even use your feet, Superman? Can I have a bath, Superman? Aren't you sort of like Christ, so you have to let me? Superman, can you do a thing? Will you just laser a hole in this ground,

and then can you freeze breath it, and then can you laser it again so that it becomes a nice bath for me? Superman, if I get on a disc of some kind, can you throw that like a frisbee It's less relaxing I'm just curious And it sounds like the quickest way to get me there I'll just throw me

I'm thrown into a building Smeared Yeah, I guess crypto Was hard to train Fair enough, feck all Jackson You're right, crypto is quite hard to train But I think another dog that would be very hard to train Because again, I don't enough. Fickle, Jackson. You're right, Crypto is quite hard to train, but I think another dog that would be very hard to train, because again, I don't

know how I'd even go about this, but is Star Wars' very own Chewbacca. Ah, yes. His man dog. His man dog. First off, opposable thumbs, can use a crossbow, and is angry when they lose a chess game. Yeah, that's true. It is funny to imagine

you coming home expecting your Chewbacca man dog to run up to you really excitedly, but he's just in the kitchen with a cross game. Yeah, that's true. It is funny to imagine you coming home expecting your Chewbacca man-dog to run up to you really excitedly, but he's just in the kitchen with a crossbow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a man. I'm like, Chewbacca, you know, go fetch my newspaper from the lawn. He goes,

and then he's eating my own cereal out of the fridge or whatever. You're expecting to come home, Chewbacca's happy to see you, but instead he's waiting at the front door and just gouges your eyes with his thumb. I gotta be free. I haven't thought about Chewbacca's happy to see you, but instead he's waiting at the front door and just gouges your eyes with his thumb. Why? I gotta be free. I haven't thought about Chewbacca's noises in so long,

and I would not even know where to start. You better go. Let's hear it. Let's hear it. That was pretty good. Yeah, it's more Tarzan. What do you want? Like Captain Caveman.

That's pretty good. Yeah, well, yeah, Chewbacca's loud. Like, again, if Chewbacca was Chewbacca-ing in the backyard and I go and try and put, like, a shock collar on him or something, because I'm a terrible doggo, you know. Yeah. I'm getting my arm ripped off. Yeah, oh, absolutely. He loves ripping off arms.

That's a Chewbacca thing. Chewbacca feels like if you if you've got Chewbacca as a dog, very quickly you will become the dog and Chewbacca will have your house. Also, Chewbacca matt like if you've got Chewbacca as a dog, very quickly you will become the dog and Chewbacca will have your house. Also, Chewbacca, matted fur, bad shits. Yes. True. Chewbacca, please do not sit on the anything because you've got dingleberries.

Chewbacca, you always got dingleberries. I'm going to have to comb him, try and get rid of all that kind of stuff. And when he's here, he's loud and angry. And again, when you have that kind of matted fur trying to like comb a dangle like that it's going to be like some you're going to get your eyes usually you either get a meow or some scratches on your arm yeah that kind of stuff whereas Chewbacca once again he's going to rip my arms off I reckon the best move with Chewbacca if I could give you some advice okay we take him to a dog room and get them to just Shave him down to the bone

Yeah I agree Because I would be like Let's shave Chewbacca Yeah If you shave Chewbacca Does he just look like a man That's what I'm thinking And then you could just say

This is my friend or This is my He's got like a Like a dog face You put a See Yeah That is difficult

We just shave Chewbacca Because I think At least let me shave around the arse area. Yeah. Let's see if I can find what a shaved Wookiee looks like. Yeah, thank you. It's pretty humiliating for Chewbacca if he has a shaved arse. Well, what if I go...

How do I even broach the subject? At least he can understand English. That's true. Or at least Galactic. Oh, no. What's it look like? Just a man. Okay.

I don't know what you guys are saying, but it's upsetting me. Chewbacca can understand me. So if I'm like, hey, Chewbacca, you got a lot. This is my beautiful couch. And you sit down. Oh, no. You are filtering it up a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let me just, oh, no. Let me just shave you a little. What about this one? Is this one better? Yeah, that's awesome, actually. What if you shave Chewbacca's asshole? What if I have a shower and I'm like, Chewie, come on.

Showering with Chewbacca's fucked up. Come in the shower with their dog and stuff. Chewbacca's bigger than you. It's fucked up. So I'm like, come on, let's have a shower. Come on, come on. I'll wear some bodies. Oh, if you're wearing bodies. Yeah. But what if I go down to my local pool?

Yeah. And I'm like, two tickets to the pool, please. Me and my very hairy friend. Does your hairy friend have dingleberries? No. Wait, why are you trying to pay more for the pool? Well, they won't allow a dog in the pool. Yeah, you can't let a dog in the pool. Yeah, you can't let a dog in the pool.

So, okay, it was a flood. She could have floored my lodge. And because he's upright like a man, I'd get a towel around his dingleberry. Clever. And when we walk into the pool, we're like, thank you. And then we hop into the spa. Oh, and he gets nice and clean.

Nice and clean. Why don't you just put him in the ocean? Free. The ocean is free. My question about shaving Chewbacca's arsehole is, if he sits on your couch, is it straight? Does Chewbacca have arse cheeks? Oh, yeah, because he's upright.

Yeah, but, well, I guess we never see his bums. He's upright, though. He must have arse cheeks. He's sitting. He's sitting, isn't he? So he must have bum cheeks. I don't want to Google that. Yeah, that's a fair call.

How do you evolve beautiful cheeks? Well, because monkeys don't. Yeah, if a a fair call. How do you evolve beautiful chicks? Monkeys don't... If a monkey sits directly on your couch, it'll leave a little anus print. So probably Chewbacca would too, I would imagine. Yeah, but the monkeys aren't upright all the time. Yeah, good point. Good point. Fair call.

Is it being upright makes you evolve ass chicks? I'm no arse scientist. I'm whilst a whole man. I'm no arse scientist. Whilst I do call myself king of the whole man. I do not know necessarily what caused cheeks to develop. I just know that I love them.

I just know I'm a big fan. Or of what's hidden within them, like the pearl in a clam. Would you think Han Solo would be an issue for you? When he's like, give me back my guy? Why is my friends got a shaved asshole? Ah, Chewie,

what did I do to you? He's my dog. Get away. He's not your dog. He's my co-pilot. He's getting... Every time, as the blaster pierces my sternum, and just before it just goes into my heart, I've been thinking, every fucking time that I drove to the beach, he could have been driving instead, and I could have had a nap.

But instead, that fucking dog was like, no, you drive. That piece of shit. I thought you were like, oh, I know that he's a sentient guy. But it's funny if you went to the pound and they're like, pick a dog. And you're like, what about this fucking dog? Huge guy. He's not even sitting like a dog. Tell me about the 6'6 standing up guy.

He's got like a bandolier. That's cool. Does that crossbow come with him? He's got like a bandana around his That's cool. Does that like a bandana around his neck? That's cute. I don't know. We don't know what breed he is really. He's a mutt. Some kind of fucked up freak dog.

Take this freak dog. Yeah, bring him home. Hard to train. Or if he's a co-pilot, maybe I think he's got the instinct to drive. Every time he grabs the wheel, I'm like, no, bad dog! And then we have a crash. That's true.

Then Chewbacca runs away. Yeah. Yeah. There I am, steering wheel in my guts, being like, my dog! Someone help me! Oh, he's calling out because he misses me already. I think the way this ends with the Millennia is with the millennium fucker just crashing into your house killing you both yeah hans solo was drunk at the wheel

no co-pilot to save him yeah normally chewy drives in those moments well wookies can't drink yeah it's true yeah yeah it's not allowed except on life day where they can have a little wine a little sniff of brandy. So two out of three of the dogs killed us. The other one wrecked everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I think you probably would be killed by Clifford. Oh, yeah.

At some point you sleep. I can think of the moment that any of us try to kind of like, you know, like, rough play with a dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you get a, like a chew toy to wrestle with. The moment I say bad dog, I am in half. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah You're in guts The moment Clifford Realizes he's getting

He's getting smaller He's like oh no This is my time to act It's bad You know what we were saying before Clifford in me Gets big Yeah

It's bad in If you're in Clifford And he gets small Yeah That's so much worse Yeah or well If you're in Clifford And he just keeps getting bigger

Cause Then you live inside a dog, that's cool! You're doing the whole dog-scape! I don't like it if Clifford's getting bigger as I'm in him, because I'm like, I've got a vore dog. Yeah, it's bad to be vored by your dog.

Most people avoid it. I hate that I can tell he's loving this. He's loving the sides of the inside of his belly, he's getting bigger and bigger. Maybe if he gets big enough, I can walk out. Probably, actually. Because you'd be patting his belly as it goes further away from you. Like, I know what's happening.

Yeah, I can tell. He's fucking loving it. And then you've got to just punch the inside of his stomach to shrink him around you. Like shrink wrap. Yeah. Yeah. That'd be cool. And then I end up dying, asphyxiated by dog skin. Yeah. Yeah, that'd be cool. And then I end up dying, suffocated by dog skin.

Yeah, that's crazy. Like the front cover of the Michael J. Fox Frighteners where a ghost comes out of a wall but you coming out of a big red dog. Yeah. And that's like the same day me and Xamarin are coming around for dinner and we're like, what happened?

What led to this? What happened? You half a, just a half man and me holding my, or being picked up by my dog. This was a bad week for us all to get fucked dogs, huh? Yeah. Should have chosen an easy dog, like Lassie. Don't even have a well.

Wouldn't have been an issue. Well, I guess the moral of today's episode is that all dogs are bad. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've been Joel. Take your dog back. Just get Skippy to kick you in the balls. Best way to try to... Nothing wrong with that. Good wholesome fun.

You trade a handful of nuts, you're getting your nuts kicked in. Nuts for nuts. Perfect balance, as all things are. Should be. Goodbye. Did we fuck up?

Or maybe you want to tell us what a good job we did and rank us in terms of handsomeness. Trick question. It's won all of us collectively. Well, now you can. Just email us at deerplumbingthedeadstar at gmail.com and we promise to take your constructive criticism on board.