Plumbing the Death Star - Which Would Be The Worst Animal to Planet of the Apes?

Episode Date: April 19, 2020

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's happiest podcast network. Hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask what is wrong? Why do you, what do you got that look on your face for? What look? What look? You looked panicked and bothered. No, I was just looking down at my body and I was like, I always sit like this. You made like a face, I was like, mmm. Maybe I was perturbed by the fact that i always sit like this

anyway i'm i'm happy hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask the important questions like which would be the worst animal to planet of the apes Bad news. The planet is getting Planet of the Apes'd. Good news, it's not apes this time. Thank God. Bad news again. This is a bit of a shit sandwich. It's not apes this time. Thank God. Bad news again. This is a bit of a shit sandwich.

It's worse. Your bread is shit. Your middle is all, your whatever is in the middle, the filling, also shit. It's a bit of a shit sandwich in that it's not good. It's a shit sandwich because it's, the bread is shit.

The filling is good. It's ham and cheese. What, the filling is shit? That's a shit sandwich. Yeah, the filling is shit. No, it's a reverse shit sandwich. Two pieces of shit with ham in the middle. Okay.

Yeah. And cheese. Okay. The middle bit's good. Is it direct? It's not apes this time. That's good. Why is that good?

That's bad. Well, it's not that good, which is, I guess, why we're... It's shitty ham. Because it's still not that good. Wait, what? You think apes are bad? Yes. They got hands.

That's scary. We've got hands. Yes. And, okay, if there is an uprising, an ape is a terrifying. They can tear our faces off without their hands. They have hands and hate in their hearts. They just jerk off. We just jerk off. We often have hate in their hearts. They just jerk off. We just jerk off.

We often have hate in our hearts. Apes will tear the face off anyone they deem, and an orangutan will tear your arms, pop out of those sockets. Human being ain't going to do that. Again, if something's going to uprise, I feel apes are the only ones that can at the moment. Maybe crafty raccoons. I'd be happier without apes are the only ones that can at the moment. Maybe crafty raccoons. I'd be happier without apes.

Yeah. Because if there is a planet of a thing and it's not apes, then maybe our existence could continue to be fine. Yeah, maybe it'll be better without apes. But unfortunately the question is what's worse, so that turns out is not the case. With your umbrage with apes. All right, well, I'm going to pick.

Of course I've got umbrage. A world full of apes is bad. What do you think, it's good? Are you happy about being owned by apes? I'm largely neutral. They're just like man, but a bit hairy. And angrier and stronger. Have you been to a zoo?

Yeah. Have you ever been in a zoo? You seen an ape? Yeah. Have you ever been like. Have you seen a chimpanzee? I have. Have you seen-

Okay, what's scarier? They'll fuck you up, man. Well, yeah, episode with a lion. Do you know what's scary? What's scarier? If you're standing in an enclosure and a gorilla just looks up at you and then just starts trotting and then it turns into a jog and he's just running at you. Or if a zookeeper just starts running at you. What are you more scared of?

I'm more scared of the gorilla, frankly. Because you don't know what's going to happen. Yeah, but if the gorilla points at me and mouths, or you, or the... That's somehow less scary than a person doing it. Yeah, but then if the zookeeper also is pointing at me and being like, or you, it's equal amounts of fearful. That is an insane statement.

I am always more scared of a gorilla than a man. Well, no matter the context. Is the glass in the way? Yes, but for both. You're a maniac. If a man had a gun pointed at me and an ape had a gun pointed at me, I'd be more scared of the ape with a gun.

Absolutely. Even though apes traditionally don't use guns. Yeah. That's what makes it scary. If they're going to uprise, I'm like, it's not terrible. I'm largely neutral. I am baffled by your statement. You're crazy.

Overwhelmingly dumb. Look, if humanity got to go, at least that thing is replacing what kind of looks like me. What's that got to do with anything? That's insane. Who cares? If I'm an astronaut and I come back, it's like, it's largely the same.

It's not that different. It's just not. It's not like it horse people. Look, you're not getting anywhere. What animal are you going to pick? Well, I think the worst, definitely worse than apes and definitely worse than man is spiders. Okay. There are a lot of them. Probably more than apes and definitely worse than man, is spiders. Okay.

There are a lot of them. Probably more than apes. A lot more apes. There's a lot more spiders. And I'm assuming they get, like, man-sized. Oh, no. Is what I was... Eight-legged freaks.

Yeah. Yeah, but intelligent like an ape or a man. Eight-legged erudite freaks. So, you've taken all... I can see why apes don't scare you anymore, because you've taken literally everything terrifying about an ape and then just put it into another animal that has none of those things. And now you're like, well, yeah, now the apes... Of course the ape's not scary against an ape spider.

Yeah, because I imagine it's like, wait, why are the apes rising up? I just assumed evolution. No, they're a cult. It's a virus, wasn't it? Yep. Yeah. So James Franco is teaching spiders sign language and then they get super smart for some reason.

Yeah. He's like, oh, this Alzheimer's gas that I made that's going to fix my dad. Oh, no, it made him smart, but big. Oh, no. Oh, no. I gave it to those spiders. Big John Lithgow and big spiders. Shit.

A spider Caesar. They're rising up. Now, when the apes rise up, they try to do it peacefully. Yeah. Right? In the most recent Planet of the Apes iteration, originally. Now, are the spiders going to do it peacefully? No.

Spiders are more aggressive than ape. That is, again, a wild claim. I think spiders are more cowardly than ape. Depends what kind of spider. There is only like three types of spiders that will pursue a man. Yeah. One of them being the funnel webs. Look, all three of them probably only exist in Australia.

Yeah. But there's a funnel web spider, which is the most deadly spider on Earth, and that also is the only one that's just like, like hey oh you're way bigger than me as well because they tend to eat birds but tarantulas frogs and mines kind of bite them they got big fang they hurt when they bite they're not gonna kill you no no toxin well okay so when it's the hairs that are more annoying because they do a thing where they rub their back legs and hairs get in your lungs and you're like... Oh, God.

But people eat tarantulas. Yeah, they shave their hair off. They shave their legs before they eat them. Yeah, well, they defang, they wash them. Yeah, they wash them, they put them in a big wok with chillies. And that's how you get rid of all the hair. Yeah. Because you've got to cook up a spider.

It's kind of like burning the hair off an ape before you eat it. Oh, yeah. Or a pig. Or a pig. Whatever you're eating. Don't eat an ape cook up a spider. It's kind of like burning the hair off an ape before you eat it. Or a pig. Whatever you're eating. Don't eat an ape, pig, spider. Whatever you've decided is your dinner. All meat's the same. Okay, so in the ape sanctuary that whatever his name is,

Malfoy is mean at. Tom Felton. Tom Felton. He bullies a monkey. That's weird. But there's a myriad of different ape species. So we've got to assume that it's a myriad of different ape species. So we've got to assume that it's a... A myriad of different spider species.

So there are probably some aggressive spiders. So the huntsmen are kind of like your wise orangutan. They're kind of more peaceful. They're the orangutan of spiders, for sure. Let's just chill. Who are your trapdoor spiders? I don't know. I mean, like...

This isn't really a one-for-one. I thought I hit goals with the huntsman orangutan. I don't know. This isn't really a one for one. I thought I hit goals with the Huntsman or anything. I'm onto something. Yeah, but what's the spider gorilla? I guess that's tarantula. Who's the cunt like gorilla? Is there like the funnel web?

Particularly, it doesn't go backwards. I don't think there's a particularly aggressive variety of apes. The apes are peaceful To begin with until they are mistreated So the spiders So the interesting thing here Is that the apes have enough sentience and sapience

When they're just regular apes To recognise that they're being mistreated Spiders aren't thinking Till they're thinking So correct Spiders aren't thinking Till they're thinking Then like What is that

Oh Thought Oh no I'm huge As is John Lithgow What am I gonna do With big John Lithgow He is a problem

The spiders will get him Yeah He's an easy target Cause he's slower now Yeah And he'll get like A regular Oh no it's big John Lithgow

With Alzheimer's too Cause it comes back Yeah and also He doesn't know where he is And he's so big a regular spider. Oh, no, it's big John Lithgow with Alzheimer's too, because it comes back. Yeah, and also... He doesn't know where he is. And he's so big. How big are the spiders getting? Size of a man? Size of a man.

Okay, so that's like... John Lithgow's getting real big. Yeah, that's like... John Lithgow's getting about Godzilla size. Yeah. And the spiders are now sort of scaled with him. Yeah. And I'm guessing, look, John Lithgow will...

He's going to supply a lot of blood and food source for the spiders. Hey, how much blood do you think spiders need? Do spiders eat blood? What? Maybe mosquitoes. That's a cool thing

you assume In cocoons and then the whole thing liquefies And they suck it up They can't do that to John Lithgow That's crazy So John Lithgow's gonna get bit by a spider Which is scaled with him and then he'll die In the middle of town

Big John Lithgow rotting in the middle of town And they'll wrap him up in webs and then it'll rot And then they'll suck up that sludge Yeah they'll suck up the John Lithgow juice That's what spiders do Yeah but I don't think they drink blood like a vampire no no i i i'm pretty confident in that too yeah i think i have that in my head because of the movie arachnophobia where i think it's implied that they drink blood could be i don't know um so all right the spiders have risen up. And I guess they're intelligent enough now that if you come up and scare them,

they don't go, ah, and try and bury themselves. Yes. Can they talk? I know Caesar can a bit. I think they can a bit. Can the spiders be like, spiders together strong? No, it's like Charlotte Webb rules. They can spell things out in their webbing.

All right. Well, yeah, because also, again, we're taking base ape intelligence and making it man intelligence, which the leap wasn't huge. Yeah. But for a spider, if you apply the same level of intelligence, would it even know words? I have to assume they're all coming to the base level of intelligence. They've got to be intelligent enough to rise up.

No, that's true. So let's all bring in- John Lithgow for a bit got real super smart and real big, big brain. That makes sense. That's true. That's how it works. Okay. So here's the problem to encounter.

Spider brain big, yes. Sorry to bring science into this. I apologize. But spiders actually can't get that big. The pneumatics don't work and they begin to crush. Something about the way a spider is designed is that if it gets too big it's too big for its exoskeleton and it begins to implode but is that just through uh like its natural growth in the sense that if you expanded it in with a gas would that also extend yeah maybe you expanded it with

a gas you'd be all right i think we'll say look okay in that case rather than like the pneumatics or whatever that a spider has so they don't curl up, we're just giving them like meat limbs. Oh, no. The gas gave them meat. It's an extra dense John Lithgow now. James Franco, you gave me too much meat and I'm so intelligent. And big.

And huge. And then he like falls falls over and then just pierces himself on a building and pops. And there's just blood and meat everywhere. So much meat. That was so much fucking meat in that guy. Okay, so that's Rise. Oh, that's just Planet of the Spiders. Yes.

Okay, Rise. And at the end of that, I guess the spider virus goes to all spiders everywhere because it's just a select few at the beginning yep it's like eight or so with the gas how does it affect humans in in the in the series and they all start dying off like what's i think so yeah because john lithgow gets he gets his kind of intelligence back but then the downside is he gets sick and dies so that means that everybody gets dense for a bit and big and they die that is such a scary symptom of like so you're like oh okay this is like results in death and the symptom is that you just start getting very big

very big very dense and very smart i am very aware of what is happening to my body well how long do you how long do you think it would take before they die? Like people die? Pretty quick. It's like the flu, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, mate, what's his name? Is it James Franco's lab assistant? I don't know.

Tom Felton again? No, no, no. John Lithgow. No. Well, I'm out of people I know in the movie. I think it was in Tucker and Dale vs. Evil. Oh, I don't know. Alan Tudyk? No, the other guy's

mate. Alan Tudyk's mate from... Yeah. Dale. Yeah, Dale. What of Dale? Yeah, because he's the one at the end, the sting, he's like, oh, I'm a bit sick. So it's a bit like you get the symptoms of the flu. So. So let's call it two weeks. Okay,

so that's good, because if you're getting that clever, I reckon there will be an army of big fellas trying to get a cure. That's true. That's so hard, though, because to build, like, a beaker big enough to use, you just... They would have to. Easy to quarantine, though. Do you have the virus?

No. I'm healthy as a horse. Get in the sea, you're sick. And as big as 16 of them. I like the idea of the quarantine tent just being like a massive tent in the sky so when they get big, their heads just pop straight into it. It's like a circus tent. Yeah.

It's clever. It's very funny as well because whilst you're big, you have the best chance of fighting the spiders. Yeah. It's clever. It's very funny as well because whilst you're big, you have the best chance of fighting the spiders. Yeah. In that moment, you're like, squish as many as you can. You're dead already. You're a dead man walking. Go in there and squish those spiders for America.

That'd be a pretty cool fight, seeing all these big, giant humans just loping around, stomping on spiders while little tiny dudes are like with their guns. Yeah, riding on the guy's shoulders, shooting. And one of the guys dies and the guy falls on all the spiders. That's dangerous. How long does the virus last? Because in the, say, war for the Planet of the Apes,

is it possible for people to get sick still from like hanging out with an ape? Yes, but I feel like there is a cure. Okay. So by the time war- the planet of the spiders arrives, some people are immune and we're living in a kind of hellscape. Do the spiders learn to ride horses and fire guns? I mean, they cling on with their eight-legged meat arms. I reckon they learn to fire guns, maybe not ride horses.

Oh, yeah. Clinging onto the side of a horse. If anything, it's like one horse with like three spiders all just like clamming on it, crawling. Kind of like a possum with its babies. Yeah. But a horse with its... That's so bad. Big spiders.

Oh, I tell some spiders also give like when they have babies and shit, they get like one big spider with all little tiny spiders on its body, and it's gross, and I hate it. Plus spiders, they give birth more than, because they lay eggs and shit. Yeah, there's a lot more spiders. There's a lot more spiders than there are apes. That might be humanity just done by that fact alone, is that if spiders are making more.

No, the other thing, though, if spiders are getting too big, right, what are they going to eat? That's true. Horses. Oh, my God. Imagine coming into a forest with a whole bunch of horse cocoons hanging through the trees and being like, I'm in spider country. Oh, no.

That's so scary. Also, they eat men. Yeah, well, yeah. But they'll be like, right, well, and then the men are so big. Oh, no. We've caused more problems with giant people than we have with spiders. You're like, yeah, the spiders are big. That sucks.

But people keep dying. There's so many stories tall and crushing our cities. Yeah, go out into the field. Go feed the spiders. Yeah. Okay, so are there four Planet of the Apes movies? Three. Okay, so Planet Rise War Planet of the Apes movies? Three. Okay, so Planet, Rise, War.

Dawn, Rise, War. Okay. I feel like the spiders, because the apes, they develop farming and stuff, yeah? Because surely at this point- You could farm horses. Yeah, you could farm horses and cow. We do that.

It's not even hard. I'm just going to quickly apologise. I got the order wrong, And I could just hear tweets It's rise dawn That's what I thought Yeah Okay Well yeah

So I reckon We've got some How are they going to milk them I don't think they will need milk They don't care Spiders Famously Don't drink blood

Or milk Or milk Yeah Someone's learning a lot about spiders Yeah So I guess A history lesson Anything like

A history lesson Probably better for the cows Because then they don't get irritated For not being milked or whatever They're going to selectively breed them So we're going back a few hundred years I mean they're going to get eaten by spiders Well yeah but they were going to get my man

That's true What's better If you had the choice of Being eaten by a spider Getting shot in the head Bolt gun bang And then you know Because you don't know

I die You die You're bolted in the head You die Or bit by a spider And you die And cocooned The first one is quicker

And maybe still alive Yeah the second one I'm still alive for Is my guts liquefied Do the spiders also get the kind of thing like, well, you know, they get to a point where it's like we should be like ethically doing this? I don't know. Well, they're still fighting a war and then, yeah, I'm not sure. And then they invent, you're like, oh, we'll just bolt this spider.

Look, Zalmitz one is pretty bad. I just don't think humanity survives. No. No, but there are some like good friends with the spiders. Yeah, I don't think we would become friends with the spiders. What about Charlotte? Yeah, well, that was- I wouldn't be friends with Charlotte in Charlotte's Wet either.

She seems annoying. She's a gossip. Yes. Okay? Some pig. Yeah. Come on. And now a quick word from our sponsor.

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there'd be some minor scraps along the way, but my heart beams with deep satisfaction of how far they've come. Oh, it's also just some hot, dumb, funny bullshit, so search for Shut Up A Second on iTunes or Spotify or head to our website, sandspansradio.com. Well, I think this uprising will be far worse if you get a plunder to the fish. All right.

So big fish, big brains, big smell. Oh, no. Stinky. A lot of water, though. Yeah, they are in the sea. We're not. What's your solution? What happens?

The gas goes. What happens? James Franco tips the gas into the sea John Lithgow James Franco's like John Lithgow died He got big Again

He got a bit bigger He got a little bit bigger Because some fish Yeah not each bigger But what fish though? Because some fish Or all fish All fish

So okay Look what happens is So a whale's swimming around Oh no That's a foot bigger I'm a big whale's swimming around being like, I'm a big, I'm a big whale. He's not a fish though. I'm a big whale. Looks over,

a salmon the size of it. Oh! Wait a second. Well, okay, so John Lithgow, let's say the, let's get,

John Lithgow's as big as the biggest fish. Okay. So, so he becomes about the size of a whale shark. That's pretty big. I imagine John Lithgow rather than being 10 stories tall now,

is just double his height. Yeah, okay. Or is John Lithgow the model for fish? So everyone gets the same size as John Lithgow. So bigger fish shrink, smaller fish get big. Yeah, that makes sense. Everything becomes about six foot. All right, that's good.

But then John Lithgow dies and Jane Franco's like, this gas doesn't work and tips the gas into the sea. makes sense everything becomes about six foot all right that's good yeah okay but then john lithgow dies and jane franco's like this gas doesn't work and tips the gas into the sea yes that doesn't work my dad stayed the same height that was my barometer damn it time to tip this gas in the ocean as he unscrews the the lid of the gas canister. It settles on the water because you can't pour gas. The fish get infected, become sentient, and the size of John Lithgow. So they get smart as well? Yes.

So John Lithgow get a bit smart before he died. Yeah, absolutely. This gas just makes them as smart as John Lithgow. So his Alzheimer's stops for a bit. John Lithgow baseline, and that's how smart the fish get. The fish become John Lithgow in every. Yeah. So either the fish become smarter and the smarter fish become dumber. Yeah.

Absolutely. Dolphins, dumb as shit. Okay. So. How about John Lithgow is very smart. Then a fish though. Are dolphins fish? They're mammals.

Oh, they are mammals. That's true. Is a fish a mammal? What? Can a fish be a mammal? No. A fish is a fish. A fish is a fish.

Okay, just checking. You're learning a lot about fish and mammals. I'm learning a lot about spiders. JD's going to learn this episode. Not everyone knows everything is the lesson of today's episode. Oh, fish mammals. I don't know. I didn't know fish was like a scientific term or like a general term.

You were worried that like amphibians or something were fish? Well, like how fish, I don't know. But hey. Like bird. A bird sometimes mammals? Or a bird a fish? If a bird has an udder, what's the go?

Something has gone wrong. Some mammals can lay eggs. Yeah, mind your dreams. Drink that delicious bird milk. Anyway, so what are you going to do about the fact that the fish can't leave the sea? Because could we not just blanket rule, don't go near the ocean? Because nothing really happens to the people

who get sick. I mean, I guess they nothing really happens to the people who get sick. I mean, I guess they die. Yeah. But then the people who are immune, they're like, man, there's a lot of dead people. That sucks. We're immune to this weird thing that kind of makes us all a little bit like John Lithgow.

I mean, it's scary to be a fisherman out at sea and have a fish, like, rise up near your boat and be like, hey, it's our world now. Well, exactly. The fish realise they're being hunted. Do the people who get sick either shrink or grow to six foot? Of course. They get exactly John Lithgow's height. That's pretty good.

What is John Lithgow's height? Yeah, find out. Yeah, so fish out sea know they're being hunted now. So that's probably what's going to cause the uprising. Do you think a fish could take down a boat? How long do you reckon there'll be a link between, and all six foot. So how long do you reckon the link will be between like, oh, we're getting this weird sickness and the fish are getting smart?

Yeah, I don't know. It would actually probably take a while. Yeah. How often are we near the sea? But also there is a lot of fish. Yeah. What about fish in lakes? Also like, because now John Lith, he's ported into you.

John Lithgow's 1.93 metres. He's like 6'6". Whoa. He is big, actually. Thinking about it now. He is, yeah, 6'3". Yeah. I was close when I said 6'6", but not correct.

Yeah. All right. So that's rise, that's dawn of the planet of the fish. Rise. A lot of people dead and the fishing industry confused. Also, because, again, when you have a big fish eat a little fish and you have those kind of ecosystems, they're all now over six foot. Yeah.

Six foot three inches. The sharks. Oh, wait, no. The sharks are also now little. No. Well, in comparison to maybe the food they're going to be eating. Yeah, that's true. It's scary to imagine being on like a fishing vessel

and seeing like a swordfish leap out of the water and impale you in the heart. That is a rough thing to say. Oh, my God. My heart. It's kind of like one missing and then another one coming out and stabbing me until my front is a pin cushion How do they talk?

Do they like Fish language But is it like if they get above water they can't talk But underwater they can Which is bad because we don't know where they're planning Unless we dunk our head in the water What? Don't think I can't hear you

I don't know what you're saying. It's the swordfish who bails me through the ear. Oh, fuck. I can't hear out of one ear now. That's great to say if the tip has gone through both. I'm deaf in my left ear

as blood comes out my right. Jackson, that's through your brain. What are you saying? Dog into my good ear, goddammit! It's good as well if I've become blind from it too. Just damaged my brain enough. Not even talking to you, fall in the sea. Three beats dead, boom.

Talk into my good ear, dammit! I say, to a lamp posted, then fall unconscious and dead. Okay, so dawn of the planet of the fish. Which is the next one, which is where the uprising kind of starts. Okay. I guess the fish could come up our pipes and stab us in the bum holes through the sewers. They're going to weaponize swordfish. Yeah, absolutely.

Pretty similar situation to Piranha. Yeah, well, what are they eating, though? They're just eating each other. They'll just make a deal. But the fish that are eating each other are going to get more and more vicious. Yeah. Because, like, if you're... Look, pretty much survival of the fittest here is going to drive them into overdrive

because it will be... Yeah, I feel like, say, a salmon, a six-foot salmon versus a six foot three shark. He says, let's maybe planet of the fish and more like planet of the sharks. I feel they're going to be the apex there. Well, no, because they can talk. So they could be like, hey, salmon, we got to eat you. This is the deal. We're tougher.

And the salmon could be like, no, get tuna instead. Or they could probably gang up and eat whale. Yeah, that's true. Whale, who is mammal and still dumb. Whale is just food. All the fish are like, shut up, we're going to eat you. I'm sick of all your whale shit. I've had it up to here with your whale fucking garbage.

Just like one whale surrounded by all the other fish. Whale like. We're going to eat you. We've had it up. Well, we were fish. We couldn't. We're going to eat you. We've added up. Well, we were fish. We couldn't express this, but we hate you. We despise whales. You eat krill to stay fit, but you often swallow fish,

but that does nothing for your body. You just kill us. So we're killing you. We're killing you. Would they farm whales and dolphins?'ll figure it out and then they'll rise up against us by coming through our toilets and biting our ass so i guess we'd be like why are these weird like they've been like why are we having experiencing so many toilet deaths what's going on people being eaten asshole first until they die yeah because like there's so much

plastic in the ocean that they could probably like... Fashion weapons. Fashion either weapons. I'm just thinking like pens and stuff like that to keep dolphins and whales in. You'd just be on the shore being like, what are they doing? What's happening in there? The whale and dolphin population has exploded. It's plummeting. And also

I don't know if anybody noticed this, but all the fish are six foot. All the fish are six foot and there's a lot of whales now. Yeah. Also, my nan's sick and she grew real tall. Oh, that's strange. And my grandpa got his arsehole eaten first by a shark that came up through the toilet. Grandma got taller, but granddad got shorter.

Imagine being in an aquarium when this hit. Oh, no. Being like, look at all these fish Hey that one reminds me of Neema Oh he's big He's big now That's interesting They're all exactly the same size

He's pointing at me being I think he's saying oi you I think they're going to try and kill us And they would smash through the glass Into the middle of the aquarium And consume us whole Yeah but then they die Yeah

Okay So I guess the problem here, like, say, Planet of the Spiders. Man, no chance of survival. Planet of the Fish, we got a good chance. Plus, we might still fish. That is pretty funny. Yeah, we're like, well, yeah, they're sentient, but they're huge. They're sentient and huge.

I might have saved the environment. We can't understand them because we don't put our heads under water. They're like... Yeah, they'll eat our heads. They'll do that thing they did to that dumb boy. Plus like if they're sapient, it's kind of like they would fall for traps. Like fishing would be more elaborate.

Yeah, absolutely. It's no longer like, what's that? Is that a bit of food? I'm putting it in my mouth. I'm putting it on. I'm going fast in the way I'm not swimming. What's that about? Now I'm not in where I was before I'm putting it on. I'm going fast in the way I'm not swimming. What's that about? Now I'm not in where I was before. I can't breathe. I'm dead. What's this?

Now it's like the fish popping up. The last thing I see was a man's fist coming directly from my head. Dusha, I think you just whack him on the bottom. No. This way is quicker. You get a punch. You get your hand covered in fish guts. Yeah, it's part of the experience.

That's crazy. That's so wrong. It's funny to imagine a fish popping up while you're fishing and being like, hey, idiot, I'm not dumb. I know that you got worms in there and the worm down there. That's on a hook. I can fucking see that, dude. Do you want just like a worm to not attack me? Yeah, I would.

Yeah, okay. And then you hand them a worm and grab them Bring them onto your boat and punch them in the head Oh, you tricked me That's crazy, he's 6'4 You're just wrestling that fish on the boat Fish have big heads too It's the same width as their body a lot of the time You've gone nuts You gotta do what you can to survive in the wild fish fishing's becoming like it's it's a it's a it's a craft it's a contact sport now yeah well uh yeah you've created

quite an interesting uh planet but maybe yeah i mightn't have extinct humanity. Maybe not. Maybe best. Yeah, we might be all right. Well, here's what I was thinking. What about, you know, you got Underground. You got Inner Sea. What about Inside Man? Planet of the Tape Worms. So John Lithgow's sick.

He makes a gas. The gas makes John Lithgow smart, but also the tapeworm in John Lithgow smart, which I guess then gets to the size of John Lithgow. Oh, no. Or does John Lithgow shrink to the size of a tapeworm? How big is a tapeworm? You might have fucked this up, because I think tapeworms are really, really, really, really long. Yeah, they are.

Oh, they're long. Yeah, but they're thin. They're going to get as thick as a John Lithgow? Oh, no. Burst. Yeah, it's going to burst out of John Lithgow. That will remain the same. I hate Googling tapeworm because you inevitably.

How do tapeworms can measure more than 80 feet? Yeah. Oh, no. That's a long. John Lithgow gets long. That's a long, thin Lithgow. John Lithgow gets. Or is it proportional?

Does he stay the six foot, but he's like real thin? Yeah, he becomes as thin as a tapeworm. James Franco is like, something very strange is happening to you, Dad. You're very thin. And then he opens his mouth and the tapeworm pops up. The tapeworm pops out and is like, nothing's wrong, son. I'm a tapeworm now. John Lithgow is dead.

And throw out the gas in a crowd. Would the tapeworm be smart enough to be like, yes, I'm better now, son, and use humanity as a skin suit? As a puppet? Yeah. Let's say yes. Tapeworms, very clever.

Yeah, they've become as clever as John Lithgow. So the tapeworms are clever. They start making everybody eat not great fish. That's it, you get more tapeworms. They're like, hey, this fish hasn't passed any FDA regulations. Maybe it's good. Yeah, the FDA regulations, they take all the good fish and they eat it for themselves.

You want to eat some of this quote-unquote bad fish. Which is actually good fish. And then they eat it, get a tapeworm that the gas makes clever and then the tapeworm pops out of that person's mouth and is like, dude, good trick with the bad fish. Yeah, sweet dude. We're going to take over humanity. I don't know why.

Drink this water. That looks like mud. No, it's crystal clear. You know what we don't do as a species enough? Drink from muddy streams. Yeah. Make sure all your meat is undercooked. Yeah, a whole manner of eggs could get in our system.

That's good. Oh, yeah. So I guess the aim is... So it's nice to know John Lithgow is victim number one. Victim number two, Jackson Bailey, drinking from swamp. Yeah, okay, dude. I've always wanted to. No one's ever given me permission before.

I look up the symptoms of a tapeworm. Nausea, weakness, diarrhea, abdominal pain, or in this case, a lot of pain while you get thin and the tapeworm takes over your body. Hunger or loss of appetite. So it would have to go... Fatigue and weight loss. John Lithgow gets tapewormed. He becomes a tapeworm. Like the tapeworm takes over your body. Hunger or loss of appetite. So it would have to go. John Lithgow gets tapewormed.

He becomes a tapeworm. Like the tapeworm takes over his body. Then that would need to go to someone that, like a mayor, that was like, hey, the new rule for town, drink from this muddy stream. If you see rain fall from the sky and gather in a muddy puddle, you shall put your lips to said puddle and slurp it up. Good people of the town, water shortages are such that we can't drink out of our taps.

Got to drink out of puddles, you'll find. How do people like their meat? We're making it illegal to cook your meat for longer than 30 seconds. Okay, so that's dawn of the planet of the tapeworm. Everyone being like, that's weird. Everyone's like, yeah, I guess I will drink out of a muddy stream. Oh, no. I'm thin and a little guy is talking out of my mouth.

So, yeah, so is it humanity, the ones that aren't infected, they just have a tapeworm in their mouth? That's what I imagine. I imagine they stay maybe the same size, a little bit thinner, but the tapeworm quite obviously is poking out of their throat and talking. And then all the infected people are thin and long. Yeah, they're dead. They're long dead.

The tapeworms are piloting them poorly. What happens to the rotting corpses then? They slowly rot and then the tapeworm's got to find someone new. That's the worst time to be a tapeworm. That's also a real bad experience for everyone involved. They can control humans so I guess they could breed humans.

Yeah, that's true. Oh no. I like the idea of a tapeworm. Imagine making love to someone and then finding out it wasn't actually you, it was a tapeworm that made you horny for that. Because at what point do you die well you you die pretty quickly but if you fuck straight away if the two tapeworms piloting bodies fuck then the jizz will go in yeah and that's what we're gonna need well how does that propagate

the jizz will go in it's great to imagine a tapeworm whose body has died slowly inching along the road. Another tapeworm being like, oh, that sucks, man. It's the worst time to be a tapeworm. Because the tapeworms are smart, so they're going to know to keep the human body alive. Yeah. They will be piloting us, but

will we have any consciousness? No. They'll probably go into our brains and switch that all off. Okay, so that's off, but we're still technically alive. We're basically just walking dead. We're zombies. Yeah, I guess it's a kind of zombie. But they would know enough to keep us alive, to breed us, to make sure that we care for

the baby and everything like that. That's quite a nightmare scenario. Yeah, that's real bad. We are now meat mechs that breed. And if we were alive but you can feel the tapeworm coming out of your throat and talking, that's bad. That's no good. I'm glad our brains have been shut off.

At least I'm not thinking. At least I'm just a meat mech. Okay, so Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, I mean the Planet of the Tapeworm, I guess they can ride horses and use guns. They can do anything man does. It's pretty good. Not really a problem. You've just created maybe a society of humans that are better looked after than our current society.

That's true. That's pretty good. Because the tapeworm is in their best interest to make their hosts the healthiest they can be. It was kind of a quiet revolution, really. Yeah. Nobody even noticed. They were a bit soft when they were being forced to drink out of muddy streams.

But after that, they were tapeworms. Everyone is, like, so fit and, like, swole looking, healthy. They've got all the nutrients they need. They've got no consciousness. No, they don't know what's happening. But, man, we look good. What if you're immune? I guess it's not a problem, really.

If you're immune, I guess. But you get problem, really. If you're immune, I guess. But you get tapeworm? You're not. No, because if you're immune, you can still get tapeworm. You're not immune to being tapewormed. Yeah. No one is. Yeah, you're just immune to becoming long and thin.

And dying. That's pretty good. Was mine the most effective? It is absolutely the worst. Like, it's the worst, but it's kind of good. Well, no, it's not good. It's not good for anyone except the Taipoom. Well, it's kind of like...

And maybe the environment. But you shut off humanity's brains. They don't know. No, not Jackson. Zammett, the other Jackson. You can't say this is good, because it's the same as being like, society would be better if we lobotomized everyone.

Yeah. It's not going to be better. Society is not going to be better. The environment may be. And like you might be able to look at people and be like, oh, they're in more shape. Imagine being an alien coming in like, oh, no, look at all these this fit species of. Wait a minute One tilts his head back and the tapeworm comes out

And be like yo dude I hope I can get into your guts That's how we do it I'm in this fellas guts How do tapeworms Fucking make more tapeworms Well I think they make you shit out eggs You get eggs Something like that

You propagate the tapeworm you know tapeworm in me uh the tapeworms also go into other animals yeah yeah yeah i've seen lots and lots of horrible pictures and videos of that it's like oh is it always one tapeworm in you or many tapeworms well i think it's often one and then it lays eggs which you shit out that then spread again imagine seeing a very like a healthy fit family as they're, like, you know, jogging down the street. They've got, like, you know, a lovely dog next to it, also jogging, looking jovial. Everyone tilts their neck up, opens their mouth. Tapeworm in everything.

Yeah, tapeworm in everything. It's a nuclear family of tapeworms. You okay? Yeah, I'm fine. I love being a tapeworm. It's good. I love being in a dog. Back when I was a regular tapeworm, I just lived in guts. Now I have a job.

The tapeworms get to the point like, wait. Wait a second. We've gone too far. This is actually bad for us. I need a job to buy all that food to feed my host. I might as well not be in this guy. Yeah, there's an existential crisis coming for tapeworms. host I might as well not be in this guy yeah there's an existential crisis

coming for tapeworms this is like our society with our all you've done is replace human with tapeworm but we're still around a little bit have I fixed it or wrecked it

you've made one species extinct only to replace an instiller with a different species. It's sort of net zero. The tapeworm coming home from a long day of work, putting its briefcase down, looking at its- Making its meat mech fuck its other meat mech. And being like, man, I miss when I was 25. What?

And then that tapeworm sits up in bed and is like, wait a second, honey, wake up. We cooked this. Okay, I've missed being a tapeworm in guts. So it's bad for the tapeworms and bad for us. Yeah, so maybe that is, in fact, the worst one because everyone loses. Yeah, I think that's...

I hate it. Yeah. It's a true horror show. I don't know which one I hate the most. No, that one. I hate that one the most Oh yeah Ours don't even register

Yeah Yours is kind of nice To be honest JD Big fish Big fish You've made fishing interesting Yeah You've revolutionized

It's now a sport You could probably ride a fish Like a horse Yeah that's pretty cool You could come to an agreement With a fish Yeah absolutely Make a deal with a fish

Yeah Make a deal with a fish Make a deal with the spiders Come make a deal with the tapeworms. No, they're in you. They're in your guts. They are ya. Yeah, they are ya.

They've made that deal already by switching off your brain, which was the only deal any of us would have ever wanted to have. And it's kind of nice they did it for us. I'll get in your stomach, but I'll turn your brain off. Oh, there you are. Yes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. The alternative is you get in my stomach and don't deal. I'd much prefer to be dead in this situation. Yes, yes, no, no, no, no. The alternative is you get in my stomach and don't deal. I'd much prefer to be dead in this situation.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. I've been Tapeworm. Yeah, we've all been Tapeworm. We've been Tapeworm. Look, I thought I maybe got ate by spiders.

I then thought maybe I had a best friend as a fish. But turns out, no, we're just meat mechs being piloted by Tapeworm. Aren't we all? Yeah. isn't that something we can all relate to? Thanks for listening, and if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspants Radio, or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13.

I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear ouredad. And I'm at goddammitzammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to sanspantsradio.com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps. And if you want to support us, head to sanspantsplus.com. Thank you again for listening

and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.