Plumbing the Death Star - Which Would be the Worst Ape to Have Raised Tarzan?

Episode Date: February 12, 2023

We all know Tarzan being raised by ape was inevitable, but what if different ape?? Confused by the theory of evolution, the boys become wary of making apes too clever and get scared by what comes next. Zammit puts forward Bigfoot with their skills of hide and seek, Jackson suggests the Wifeless Wonder himself, Gorilla Grodd and his need for a human to be the face of his criminal empire while JD looks at the coconut throwing jewel thief that is Dunston from Dunston Checks In and how that orangutan cannot handle any form of criticism. But be it Bigfoot, Gorilla Grodd or Dunston we should all be thankful that Tarzan wasn’t raised by the worst real ape: mandrill. A horrible and nasty creature. Loathed by all and the closest we have on god’s green earth that resembles a xenomorph. If all dogs go to heaven, every mandrills goes to hell, where they flourish. Buy our terrible merch here and check out the Bad Brain Boys on Apple Podcasts at apple.co/badbrainboys. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspants Network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. And this podcast, you might be wondering, what is this? Yeah.

Well, I'm here to tell you. It's the podcast that answers the important questions like, which would be the worst ape to have raised Tarzan? So obviously Tarzan was inevitably going to be raised by apes, right? It was his destiny. It's just a matter of which one. Which apes, right? It was his destiny. It's just a matter of which one. Which apes. When God made Tarzan out of the firmament of space

and in his image, and in his image, he said, this motherfucking baby, God's got a potty mouth, this motherfucking cunt of a baby is going to be raised

by fucking apes. God made fuck in his image too, so it's alright. Yeah. So are we presuming that the ape, the choice of ape, or apes. God made fuck in his image too, so it's alright. So are we presuming that the choice of ape. Or apes.

Could be multiple. The real Tarzan. The real Tarzan. The real historical Tarzan. Was raised by, was it Kerchak or whatever his name is? Kerchak? Kerchak. Kerchak?

That's a fucking horse, bro! It's not an ape! It's not Bojack? No Bojack Orson It's a Kerchak That's a fucking horse bro It's not an ape It's not Bojack Ape Man Mr. Peanut Butter's not peanut butter That's a dog You can call that dog peanut butter You can't call it dog Ape Man

You lost steam there huh Jack I really did Sometimes you need a punchline before you start talking. That's the lesson of that bit. Everything I say is the lesson in one way or the other. Well, yeah, I mean, like, sometimes, well, 99.9% of the time, the lesson is words have consequences. Yeah.

But yet I won't learn the lesson. So presumably this ape we choose killed Tarzan's dad and then raises Tarzan. How well... You don't remember Tarzan. Which Tarzan are you thinking of? I'm imagining the Disney movie.

In the Disney movie, Tarzan's family... Do the apes kill Tarzan's parents? Not in the Disney movie. I always thought it was like a plane crash or like... Tarzan is the son of a British lord and lady who were marooned on the coast of Africa by mutineers. When Tarzan was an infant, his mother died

and his father was killed by Kerchak, leader of the ape tribe by whom Tarzan was adopted. But there you go. Disney dis-defied it. He didn't have a sweet scene of an ape braining a man. I would have really made that scene later on where Kerchak is like, you're the leader of the tribe now. Get woke, go broke.

Soon after his parents' death, Tarzan became a feral child, and his tribe of apes is known as the Mangani. Great apes of a species unknown to science. Oh, I see. Fala is his ape mother. Fake apes. known as the mangani. Great apes of a species unknown to science. Fake apes. Fake apes. Okay, so then I guess, yeah, we are assuming whoever is raising Tarzan, whatever brand of apes,

also murdered his dad. That's nice. That's going to make our answers interesting. Because I think this, except for maybe Xamaman, is a curveball. Also, another thing I want to ask is, when we say worse for Tarzan, by what barometer? Makes him a worse guy, I guess. Yeah, I guess because the Tarzan...

Okay, so the Tarzan, the historical Tarzan, who was raised by apes, he goes on to... Marry Jane. And live a successful life. who was raised by apes he goes on to marry Jane and live a successful life and so what kind of achievements does he do because he was raised by such good apes he was able to see I've only got the Disney version to go off but in the Disney version

him and Jane he fends off what's his name what's the name of the guy with the gun somebody literally this morning as I walked past, one of my neighbors said, oh, have a good day. And then the name Clayton. They said, have a good day, Clayton, to me.

And I was like, oh, I'm not correcting you on that. I'll be Clayton for you forever. And he made me think about that guy. But yeah, anyway, he defends Clayton. He kills Clayton. Hangs him in a vine, which is awesome. Yeah, that is awesome. And that happens in the Disney movie.

Yeah, and then Jane's about to leave for England, but Jane and her dad are like, actually, no, you know what? Fuck that shit. We're going to live on this island with Tarzan, and then they become feral together. So those are the achievements of Tarzan as it stands in real.

So yeah, I suppose he's got to do worse than that for it to be a worse ape to have raised him. Well, he becomes leader of the ape tribe as well, which is quite prestigious amongst apes. Yeah, if you're an ape, that's what you want to be. If you went to the zoo and you were like, hey...

He's the first amongst apes. Yeah, hey, Jiggles. Jiggles the ape? He's the ape at the zoo. I know. Hey, Jiggles. He. Jiggles the ape? Jiggles the ape. There's the ape at the zoo. I know. Hey, Jiggles. He's first among apes.

Is that a real ape's name? It could be. Could be. I think they'd kick me out of the zoo if I tried to name one of the new apes Jiggles. Sir, you're not allowed within 100 feet of apes anymore. All right. Can you get away with calling an ape jiggles? Really?

Jiggles the ape. Say it proudly. This is Jiggles the ape. I named it. I named it. He's first amongst apes. On a safari somewhere with friends, they're like, yeah, we're going to go see the gorillas later. I'm like, oh, I am.

I'm not allowed to. I actually can't. This is Jiggles the gorilla. Jiggles the chimp. Jiggles the Gorilla? Jiggles the Chimp? Jiggles the Chimp is good. Sounds like he works in a circus. One of those prestigious circus chimps that smokes a cigar.

A circus chimp is more distinguished than a regular chimp. Is it because you can imagine them wearing a suit? Yeah, and I think they know a little. They kind of get it. It knows how to tie a bow? Yeah, and I think they know a little. They kind of get it. It knows how to tie a bow tie. Yeah, they kind of know a little more than your average chimp, a circus chimp. They've seen a bit more of the world.

Yeah, like a circus chimp knows what, say, you know, popcorn looks like and tastes like. Yeah, exactly. A circus chimp's been... A jungle chimp. A circus chimp's travelled. They've been to many towns all over this great land. They're a well-traveled Chimps. Exactly.

They've met a wide variety of people from different walks of life. I just realized that I think if The Missing Link and Evolution and stuff like that was well-known and discussed in, let's say, the 1500s, I would be scared to, to apes. Cause I'd be like, if I make them too clever, they'll become guys. They'll evolve.

So you're imagining you run a circus. And I'm getting a bit scared. Cause I'm like, the chimps are learning too much. You see a chimp, like maybe you've taught the chimp to like wash up its own plates or something. Yeah.

Or put on pants. And you're watching him put on pants. You teach the chimp original sin. Yeah taught the chimp to like wash up its own plates or something yeah or put on pants and you're watching you put on pants you teach the chimp original sin yeah and you're like you might need to get a clown over there and be like hey how much more money would it take for you to kill that chimp you know you know is that chimp clever yeah that chimp can do man what do you think is oh maybe i wouldn't be scared i'd be like that chimp's gonna evolve into me what what what do you think is the consequence? I don't know. Wait, hang on. What do you think you think will happen?

What does that look like if that ship evolves into you? Is it a threat to you? You as in a guy. Humanity. It takes a step up the evolutionary ladder, so to speak. I think I just get scared that there'll be consequences. So you've understood missing links.

So you've understood evolution, but you haven't really understood evolution. You saw that classic image of the fish transforming into a man in a line, and you're like, it's a queue. They're just waiting to take a step in the right direction. I need to shut the door behind me.

You saw that and you were like, there's an ape behind me. That's what that means. Yeah. And like once the apes start to do things that only a human can do, I'm like, oh no. I left the door open. Do you think it could go backwards? Do you fear that if you were forced to live a chimp life?

I don't think I could be forced. So you don't could go backwards? Do you fear that if you were forced to live a chimp life? I don't think I could be forced. So you don't believe in evolution? You can't evolve, but a chimp can evolve. Just to make it clear, now, obviously. Yeah, you're just talking if you were a... 1500s brain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. An old person brain.

Famously stupid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody says that we've been the same level of intelligence the whole time, but no, we haven't. We felt like looking at a rock or whatever was sick. Yeah. It's still pretty cool. Depends on the rock, I guess.

It does depend on the rock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What I would be scared of following that train of logic is that there's a certain thing I could do to go to whatever's next. Mmm. Yeah. I reckon I could go very egotistical because that would mean I'm one step, like, away from becoming a god.

Yeah. Oh, you think God's next? Well, I've got a very grandiose opinion of myself. Fair enough. But in those drawings you're talking of, it ends with a guy. Well, yeah, but I'm like, yeah, that can't be the end of it. Well, it can be. Oh, you would imagine it would be.

Oh, yeah. If the fish is the start and the guy is the end. But nothing came before the fish. Yeah, that's what I mean. But something must have. No, but one day there's just a fish. Yeah, but then imagine it would be. Oh, yeah. If the fish is the start and the guy is the end. But nothing came before the fish. Yeah, that's what I mean. But something must have. No, but one day it was just a fish. Some guy drew that. I could draw, like, I don't know, me with big abs and a big swinging dick.

Like, look what I'm going to evolve into. I do love Xamarin. You'd be like, some guy drew this. What the fuck are you talking about? This is not real. What are you saying? This is not real. What are you saying? Look at the next one. I drew wings on it.

That's happening. No, no, no, no, no. What? Because when I bought this. A book? A book. Or the drawing. If there was a thing before.

You and your tails and top hat in your tent or whatever, looking at it, looking up at the ape being like, ooh. In the 1500s, after running a successful circus with a monkey 1500s as well is what the century after the medieval time but whatever

whatever well 1700s but that's not too new for Dom it doesn't matter when successful circus then you've gone you've bought a picture

you've bought a drawing you've got a fish evolving into man and you're like nothing came before nothing came after yeah cause if something came before

they simply would've one day there was a fish and then now it's man and that fish did enough stuff to become a rat you're arguing with me and I'm like

you all point to what's before the fish you can't I guess at that point as well if you're also very religious yeah yeah that's true you could be like

god makes it but also following if you're very religious you're like this is blasphemy yeah but why it's because of the

you know I've already referenced it in this episode yeah because of I was like why evolution who cares

god made all of whatever but the whole like god made us in his own image yeah he isn't an ape yes exactly exactly or a fish

or we didn't yeah just to start as proteins or whatever and become a holding this up. But where's the cockroach? Yeah. Where do dogs fit in?

Dogs? Not real? Looking at this. I've seen a parrot. Parrots exist. We should never have let Dusha see that image. It's really fucked him up. I got it, but not quite.

Follow your train of logic as well. The fish did enough things like a rat and became a rat. The rat did enough things like a sort of half ape. But also there were certain fish that didn't do enough things and stayed a fish. What did they do? That's all it takes. Act like the next thing in the line,

you become the next thing in the line. That's really scary. Yeah, it is scary. You start thing in the line, you become the next thing in the line. That's really scary. Yeah, it is scary. You start acting like a royal, you become like a king? Well, that's why I was scared. Because we don't know, because it's not in the picture,

that I'd do something, and just one day I'd evolve. Like I'd just be doing something innocuous, and then all of a sudden, whatever's next, what comes after? Rat, fish, rat, dog, all of a sudden whatever's next what comes after rat fish fish

rat dog fucked up ape regular ape man squid well the thing is though it's like

if you could look at it you could be the what's coming next right you could be like I guess more hairless and taller

like you'd have like a straighter spine oh yeah or do you start bending back. Then your hands are on the ground. And then you are almost squid-shaped. Your hips become your eyes. You start drawing in these weird things.

Dusha has taken it to a fucking... It's like eighth down the line. It's like a giant bending over backwards, his head through its own legs. Going into your, like, fucking cabin or whatever in the circus, and it's just the wall is covered in your chain of evolution. Jackson, chap, I've figured out the next step.

As you're, like, trying to backbend. Sir... We've become a circle, you see. And I put my arm around you, and I'm like, I've been eating, you know, raw fish in this circus for a really long time. And I don't want to act like I don't appreciate it. You know, I love the work I do, but. As the fabled dog man, do I need to start shaving, sir?

Yeah. Well, the next step will be a man for you. Hey, while you've been in here doing this, the chimpanzees have become men. As I predicted. My God. I knew it. I've sort of taken over the circus a little bit. I just thought I should let you know anyway.

Is one of them claiming to be me? The ringleader? Yes, they are. And I've got to tell you, a lot of the circus is convinced. You might want to come out and argue your case, man. Sweet Jiminy Christmas. And then you, I guess, roll out. Yeah, yeah.

Because you have become a circle. I'll crush you. Whoa, chip man versus circle man. You evolved into a giant circle. This circus went downhill. Oh, you're telling me. Fair enough. If If you the ringleader Rolled into the ring

As a circle To fight a chimpanzee That had become a guy Over Is this an act? No it's Also it's the year 1500 The crusades just happened

I think so Awesome stuff Alright so Okay What is Raising Tar happened? Yeah, I think so. Awesome stuff. All right, so, okay. What is raising Tarzan? Yeah, and how is it bad? Yeah, okay. Okay, well, firstly, I will put forward Bigfoot. Oh!

Squatch! There might be people who will be like, he's not an ape. Shut up, he's an ape. Oh, he's an ape. He's an ape. A North American ape. It's an ape. Yeah, fair enough.

The reason why I think it would be bad is because the thing is, so Tarzan needs to be Tarzan, needs to be like the number one ape, king amongst apes, stop everyone from like kill off Clayton, Mary Jane, et cetera. Absolutely. He needs to be present. Yes. He needs to be there.

What is the one thing we know about Squatches? They do not love to be there. They love to be present. Yes. He needs to be there. What is the one thing we know about Squatches? They do not love to be there. They love to be hidden. They are very good at hide and seek. That's very true. They are very good at becoming like, do they exist? We don't know. We don't know.

So, if he was raised by Squatches, we wouldn't even know. You can't see him. We'd never hear about it. We'd never hear about Tarzan. It would be a shame that Clayton went into the jungle. Into the Pacific Northwest and just shot a bunch of Bigfoot. Well, you just went there hunting for nothing. Yeah, that's true.

You've ruined his hunting career. Yeah, he would find nothing in there because the Bigfoots would have hidden. And we'd assume that baby Tarzan died in this shipwreck. Yeah, that's true. As opposed to the true line of the royals existing so that we can then proclaim as the true king of England. He's the goal. He's the goal of Tarzan. Yeah, the goal of Tarzan is to make him the king of England.

Were they the true kings? Is this the kind of like fucking Gabe of Throats, Westerosi kind of shit? Is this what he was? Is this like, oh, he wasn't killed as a baby? I think he probably had some land somewhere. I don't know if he was? Is this like, oh, he wasn't killed as a baby? I think he probably had some land somewhere. I don't know if he was going to be-

Is he a lord or a royal? I think he's just a lord. Okay, never mind. He's just of wealth. So I guess it would be a plane crashes in the Pacific Northwest. A Bigfoot kills Tarzan's dad. That'd be so scary. Because in that last moment, you'd be like, Bigfoot's real.

And then your head would be torn off. And then Bigfoot's wife picks up Baby Tarzan. Yeah, he's like, let's raise him as our son. I think we're going to claim that watching your dad get killed by Bigfoot's scary. And I was like, yeah, name one way in which you see your dad die in front of you that's not. By an ape's hand. That isn't scary. If a gentle ape killed my dad, I'd be more sure with it.

What ape's the best for killing your dad? I think the worst, I think Bigfoot's pretty bad, but I think Mandrill's the worst. Oh, yeah. Mandrill is, obviously we're talking fictional apes here on Plumber Today, but Mandrill is the worst real ape. Yeah. Like a Sasquatch would just tear him down in half. A Mandrill's going to eat your face and then step away so you can run away without a face to prolong the pain and the fear. A mandrill will toy with you.

They're the only ape, aside from us human beings, I think, capable of sin. And mandrills are always sinning. See, we got religion to teach us that sinning is bad. Mandrills don't. I don't know. Mandrills go by like a religion where sitting was good. All dogs go to heaven, but all mandrills go to hell. Horrible creature.

The wounds would be horrible. Horrible, nasty creature. Foul, loathsome creature. I need to look at a picture of him. Truly despicable. A stain on our greater... Oh, dude, they're bad. Look at a picture of a mandrill and tell me it's not the worst animal there is.

Yeah, they're awful. They're so bad. They're rotten. They're a rotten branch of the evolutionary tree, dude. They're always yelling. Oh, they're always yelling. Their faces are fucking scary. It's like a lion's face on an ape.

Horrible. Blue is not a natural color you should see in nature. Absolutely not. Dude, mandrills are so bad. Anyway, so. They got horrible asses, dude. They're fucked up. Okay.

So Tarzan being raised by gorillas, let's say. I know they're an unspecified species of ape in Tarzan, but let's say they're gorillas, for easiness sake. By being raised by gorillas, that made him very muscular. It made him very capable of surviving in the jungle. Sure did. It made him very hardy and tough. And he only could speak gorilla.

I mean, yeah, exactly. He could speak to a lot of animals, but it seems to be like, let's just let him speak gorilla. Spoke gorilla just for... so we're squatchers yeah it's good to do yeah apes get it

they can talk they just don't want to yeah exactly so with like this is dangerous the rest of the episode could be plumbing the ape star

so we gotta be careful here thread that needle this could go one way or the other so we've got to be careful here. Thread that needle. This could go one way or the other. There's nothing but ape noises from here on out. We're on a precipice right now. Be careful. Don't slip.

We all want to. Anyway. We're walking single file on a path on a cliff face and down below is the ape episode. Don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. So with the gorillas, there's a lot of them. There's a lot of them that he learns from. But with squatches, there's not so many.

There's maybe a couple, there's a few. What noises does the Bigfoot make? They make horrible screams and grunts and stuff, if you believe people online. Like, that's awesome. That's one of the Bigfoot noises. Me, Jane. When she says me, Jane, he doesn't go

Oh. Boys. She says me, Jane. He doesn't go. That would be so funny. It's happening. It's happening. Boys. Can you get this? Can you hold it? Hold it back. Here's the rope.

Don't fall in. It's the buddy system. That's why we're all tied together. Either we all go. None of us go. It's so funny as well to imagine Jane and Tarzan in that situation. Because when she's like, me, Jane. And he's like. She's just funny as well to imagine Tarzan and that, Jane and Tarzan in that situation because when she's like, meet Jane and he's like oh, she's just like

oh, okay. There's no man in here. Full on A. I thought he might be like a guy. No, okay, he's full on A. Never mind. Alright. So again with historical Tarzan, he gets training from a bunch of different

gorillas whereas the squatches really get a few of them., I guess, training from a bunch of different gorillas, whereas the Squatches really get a few of them. And so, I guess, what are Squatches really good at? They're good at hiding, making nests.

They're good at making nests. They've got a movie star quality as seen in the Gimli footage. Yeah, that's true. They do that awesome, yes, in the Patterson-Gimlin footage

where she turns around and gives the camera a little like, hey, what's up? Oh, yeah. Absolute movie star quality.

So Tarzan's going to be great at posing. Yeah, very true. Is Tarzan going to appear in blurry photographs across the country? I think so, yeah. Will Tarzan become his own cryptid? Yeah. So it'll be like, guy. Jungle man?

Jungle man. Mystery guy we've seen. He would be the missing link. Oh, that's true. The missing link found near where we see Squatches. And then how sad would they be if they didn't catch him? Like, oh, he's just a guy. He's just a lord.

Just a loose man. He's just a man that went ape mode. Or Bigfoot mode. But he's making noises that aren't noises that we've heard before from an ape. He's making different noises. Yeah, if we found Tarzan, who'd been raised by Squatches, brought him into a polite society, and he was Tarzan who'd been raised by, would that be evidence of Sasquatch? Yeah.

Would you ask him? Because you'd be like, oh, he's doing, because then people who study apes would be like, that's no ape. We've known. And then you have the Sasquatch hunters who are like, listen to this recording of the Sasquatch going. And Tarzan's like, oh, mama. Oh, yeah. I know what that means. I was raised by Sasquatch hunters who are like, listen to this recording of the Sasquatch going. And Tarzan's like, oh, mama. Oh, yeah, I know what that means.

I was raised by Sasquatch. Where are they? Yeah, he's doing the same thing again. He's like picking up a tape recorder, looking under it. Where'd you do it, my mom? Where's my mom? Did you shrink my mom? Smashes the tape recorder.

That is bad. That is bad Okay so possibly By Tarzan being found Would Because Tarzan's gonna blend in worse than a Sasquatch Right? Because Tarzan's got pink white skin He's not covered in hair

He can't blend in with the trees So Tarzan's more likely to be found by Bigfoot hunters That's true I think that's fair to say Is the next step he's to get shot by a gun? He could be shot by a gun, or it could just be like, oh, Bigfoot is a hoax. It was always just being this guy. Oh, yeah.

He becomes Bigfoot. Yeah, everyone is like, you were Bigfoot. Yeah. So it's just like, I guess, you know, all that whole thing about that we thinking we're hearing, you know, Bigfoot noises. It's just this guy. It's just this guy. Look at him. He's making the noises right now. There he goes. Yeah. Instead of his, you know Bigfoot noises it's just this guy it's just this guy he's making the noises right now

there he goes instead of his like you know he's like but also like so in the movie Tarzan the Disney movie

Clayton is like you gotta tell me where the gorillas are he blackmails Tarzan I forget the specifics and Tarzan shows him where the gorillas are he's probably like

I'm gonna marry Jane that seems like a something like that. He's probably like, I'm going to marry Jane. Yeah. That seems like a... Something like that. Or Jane won't like you unless you show me where the gorilla's arm is. Well, I got to show you my mom and dad's squatches. So, yeah, exactly. And then the Sasquatches, who have hidden so successfully, such a long period of time,

found out. Betrayed by their own son. I think that's a risk. Yeah, yeah. But with the extra, I guess, strength training from, say, squatches, will Tarzan be able to snap Clayton in half? That's true. No, I mean, gorillas could snap a guy in half.

Not as well as a Sasquatch. Okay, how many recorded deaths have there been by a Sasquatch? Well, how many are being covered up by the government? That's the next question we've got to ask. Yeah, that's true. That's a good point. I was going to say zero and zero, but maybe I'm wrong. Well, we did a Jackson Bailey Spooks America on Ape Canyon.

Do you remember if there were any deaths in that story? There was definitely deaths, but they were cliff-related deaths. Those stories about people who fell off cliffs. That's right, and everybody blamed Sasquatches because people are fucking dumb. Yeah, well, Sasquatches do love to push. Yeah, that's true. It's awesome. And look, this is a side note for this Plumbing the Death Star,

but it is awesome the amount of people that have fallen off cliffs because they're like, hey, watch this, and then just fall off a cliff. Or they go to take a photo and step too far back and just fall off a cliff. I'm pretty sure in the Ape Canyon story, it's like a skier and he's like, I'll just take a shortcut or something. And then they find him dead at the bottom of a cliff. And they're like, was that the shortcut, man? Now, you boys laugh,

but I'm fairly certain at one time or another, when we were in Edinburgh, I'm pretty sure some of you were like, in this room maybe, hey, I know a shortcut down here. And another one basically almost rolled off a cliff. I think that might have happened. Yeah, because it was a very steep, muddy hill.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Previously, it hadn't been raining. It wasn't that muddy. Yeah, that's true. And that's why one of the people in this room was like, it's a shortcut somewhere. Let's also remember when we were at the top of Arthur's seat, there was a little walkway you could go down to a very precarious cliff. And one of us in the room was like, I'm going there. Oh, yeah? Gotta see what's going on.

Gotta see. At least you weren't like, watch this. If you said that to me in Dammit before going down to that little precarious cliff, you would have died. He's like, oh, it sucks. Check this out. What did he think was going to happen? Was that the trick? Did he think he's going to evolve Winx? Okay.

I did enough bird stuff that I evolved. I've become a bird. Yeah, if I eat seed, I've become bird. Well, yeah, okay. Pretty bad for Tarzan to be raised by set of squatches. Yeah. And bad for the squatches Yeah And bad for the squatches And bad for, that's what I'm thinking most of all

Squatches get poached Yeah Tarzan doesn't realize his full ape potential Absolutely Tarzan's unpleasant to listen to Yeah, he's got a horrible voice Yeah No good

Because apes, there's something calming about the little That's nice Yeah Not as nice Not as nice Or is that good, gentle? It's good. Oh, it's dangerous.

We got to move past it. Otherwise, we'll get stuck in the canyon. So that's the true ape canyon. Okay. I'm thinking Gorilla Grodd be a bad ape for Dazan to be raised by. Supervillain to the flash. Yes. Kill Sazan's dad.

Then I guess because Gorilla Grodd has no wife Gorilla Grodd himself is like I'll raise this boy now you said that like Gorilla Grodd not having a wife is like a very vital part of his

famous part like being like you know Gorilla Grodd he's very single he has no wife you gotta remember that hey man check out this newest issue

of The Flash oh just the only thing you need to go in there Gorilla Grodd doesn't have a wife oh did you hear in the new Flash movie Gorilla Grodd doesn't have a wife. Oh, did you hear in the new Flash movie, Gorilla Grodd? Yeah, thank God,

true to the comics, no wife. They kept him single. Bachelor. Bachelor. Famous Bachelor. Gorilla Grodd. Famous Bachelor.

Ah, the wifeless wonder, Gorilla Grodd. Gorilla Grodd being like, what? Why? Do you have a wife? Unlucky in love, Gorilla Grodd like, what? Why? Do you love her life? Unlucky in love, Gorilla Grog. Big virgin issue.

Alone as always, chump. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Gorilla Grog. I mean, like, fuck him up. You know, next time he meets Flash, he's like, I got a girlfriend. So, yeah, but you're not married. Seriously, how long have you been dating? Does Gorilla Grodd fight the Flash?

What? Well, an ape is strong, and a Flash is quick. He's got an ape brain, yeah? He's got a very clever ape brain. I think cleverer than a man's is the idea. He's the cleverest ape. Okay, so Flash is very fast. Yeah.

Well, all Flash's villains are stupid. It's Gorilla Grodd, Captain Boomerang, Budget Mr. Freeze, Daddy Cold. Mr. Frost? No, he's some Iceman, Ice Wizard. Reverse Flash? Well, at least the two ones that make sense are Reverse Flash and a character I think known as the Turtle, who can access the Slow Force. Yes.

There's going to be a slow one, isn't there? What does the Slow Force do? It's basically, isn't it slow to the point of entropy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It slows you down and then destroys you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So fair enough, it makes sense. Reverse Flash does so much stuff that just seems petty and horrible.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Doesn't he go back in time, kill all his friends so that he doesn't have any friends? Yeah, I think so. I think he also maybe kills Barry Allen's mom and then raises Barry Allen. Yeah, I think he does. Reverse Flash is the best.

That's absolutely peak villainy. Fuck the Joker as your bad guy. Reverse Flash, he's got all this almost unlimited potential if he can fuck with time that badly. And he's chosen that. He could be a time tourist. He could go and see incredible things that have happened in history. And he's like,

you know what I'm going to do? Fuck this one guy right in the eye. I will fuck with one man and that's enough. It's the best. I'm going to ruin this guy's life. Exactly. But anyway, Gorilla Grodd raising Tarzan because he'd be raising Tarzan for evil, for crime. He would be using Tarzan's strength, which admittedly is not really, it's just strong for a guy. Yeah, I mean, strong for a guy is good.

And also, sorry? So Tarzan's strength, though, is less than Gorilla Grodd's. Yeah, it would be. But, but, but, but, but, but. But then again, like,'s, like, I guess as a child, I was not as strong as my dad. So fair enough. That is how it works. And also,

Tarzan, human being. Some things as a gorilla man you can't do. Anything involving thumbs. Well, no. No, no. No, no. Gorillas have thumbs. I can see how the evolution chart confused you. Anything involving four fingers and a thumb. No. no. Girls have thumbs. I can see how the evolution chart confused you. Anything involving four fingers and a thumb.

No. No. Apes have four. Joel Dusha, how many fingers do you think? Describe an ape's hand. If I showed you like a, hey, oh hey oh look I got a sweet monkey paw I'm gonna do some wishes how many wishes we getting

why did you think that apes bucked the same train than any other primates have five fingers I thought it was four so you thought they had, like, what?

Like, ring finger, middle finger, pinky, thumb? No index. Can't point. No, I assumed. I don't know. I just went three fingers and a thumb. I didn't think about it. Okay.

I've seen apes. Raccoons have five fingers. Yeah, and I guess I've seen lemurs and commented about how they've got horrible little human guys. Yeah. But I was thinking. I was thinking. seen lemurs and commented about how they've got horrible little human guys yeah um but i was thinking i just i was thinking that if you're say you want to quietly rob somewhere yeah if you're gorilla grodd you stand there you stand out you're a giant thumb like a sore thumb which they have

famously they are a bethumbed creature creature Tarzan just looks like a handsome guy So he can roll in He can be the human face Of Brod's Enterprise Plus he knows how to speak English He doesn't grunt This is not really Tarzan being raised

In many ways Tarzan is just raised By a huge guy. A huge guy that looks a lot like a gorilla. Confusing for baby Tarzan where he's like, why do all the other dads have skin but my dad's got hair? Yeah. What's going on there? Is it kind of like Gorilla Grodd has become Gru?

Yeah. It's sort of a despicable me. It's a despicable me, but no moral lesson. And no minions, tragically. You just become the girls. Yeah, Gru's daughters, whose names I can't recall. I don't pay attention to anything in that universe that's not a minion, yeah. That's fair.

And also, I guess Gorilla Grodd wanted this child. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Gru's like, nah, I'm a kid. I. That's fair. And also, I guess Gorilla Grodd wanted this child. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My guru's like, nah, I'm a kid. I get that these kids for insurance purposes. I don't know if that's what he said. That was good. These children help me claim more money on my back. I am committing tax fraud.

Dependent. Let's move on. But Stuart Kevin helped me commit tax fraud. This week over me. This week over me. I am an evil genius. Yes? Finally, I will be on that league of evil.

Yes. Oh, no, I love my daughters now. I bought her a unicorn toy So fluffy that she might die Um, yeah So, just think it'd be bad and sad For Tarzan to become a criminal Yeah, that is sad

Yeah, life of crime, I guess And also getting beaten up by the Flash Yeah, exactly Because once again, he's a guy Tarzan's a human He doesn't even have the strength of Gorilla Grodd. I reckon there's a chance that the Flash sizes Tarzan up

and is like, this guy's probably got superpowers and doesn't pull his punch that hard. Yeah, he vibrates right through Tarzan. He's now a red mush. Gorilla Grodd comes in and is like,

you killed my son. Oh, fuck it all. You killed my boy. If it isn't the wifeless one. Sunless now, dude. You killed my boy. If it isn't the wifeless one. Sunless now, too. Fuck, Flash. What do you call a dad that's lost a kid? It's sad.

That's what you call it. Yeah. The fuck is wrong with you, Flash? You're going to jail, Gorilla Grodd. You're going to jail, you sun Groy. You're going to jail, you sonless wonder. You killed my son. And you never had a wife. He wasn't your real son anyway.

Flash, why is this such a sticking point for you? I raised him, though. Was he your real son? I loved him like my real son. And you're not married, nor do you have a wife. He'll never have a wife. He'll never have a wife, and now you want him as son. It's not even like you need to call them to let them know that your son's gone.

Yeah, you've got no one to tell. Until I see a ring in your finger, I'm not letting up about it. Do you want me to get married? No! Of course not. I don't care what you do! You're going to jail! I'm just so confused.

I'm Barry Allen. With a flash! Shit! Shit! Whoa! Time to go into the speed force and fix that one, I reckon. Could you bring my son back? No!

I might, and I'd do it again. Not at all! Poor gorilla grunt. I feel like eventually he will marry someone, but it'll only be so that the Flash leaves him alone.

Marriage is convenient. Can he go to like the, like, zoo and just pick a random ape out? I'm just imagining a human woman and the Flash sees them together

and he's like, finally got a wife! And she's like, what does that mean? He's like, nothing, darling. It's a whole, it's a whole thing. Guess you're not the wifeless wonder anymore! like, what does that mean? It's nothing, darling. It's a whole thing.

I guess you're not the wifeless wonder anymore. Is this the one that killed your son? He was his real son! That's a hard thing to say. Like, he raised... It means nothing to me! The Flash! If it ain't biological, I don't care!

What? I don't believe it! It's options! Orphans are nothing. He's got some really confusing moral lines. Yes, he does. Poor Tarzan. Poor Tarzan, he died really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really? I whooped him bad, yeah. Oh, it's just psychological torture on Gorilla Grodd.

Gorilla Grodd's like, I should never have killed Tarzan's dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wish I hadn't done that. Yeah, no, he kind of got his life together. He moved on a bit. He kind of, you know, didn't get over the loss of his son, but in terms of the grief, he had someone that he presumably could spend time with,

open up to, and then just gets relentlessly mocked by Anna. All those old wounds reopened. Did you only marry me to appease this guy? No, no, no, no. Yes, he did. Of course you did. I'm out of here. He told me.

I didn't tell him. I thought it should be illegal. What is he talking about? I don't know. Adoption should be illegal. What is he talking about? Adoption is actually a really, really kind thing. I just don't know. That's not a thing I've heard of anyone having a problem with before. It's just like a brand new moral issue. Like, what?

He ran through my voice. If your parents die, you shouldn't get new ones. You're going to live with it. I'm the Flash. I'm Barry Allen, the Flash. Ba-zoop. Oh, God. Weeping while his wife is like, am I a convenience?

Am I? Because this man has been psychologically tortured. I thought I loved you. Do you love me or are you just trying to make him happy? What kind of thing do you think me to be? I just wish you'd shut up And I do

Make fun of my being a gorilla I'm a gorilla There's nothing I have no problem with you being a gorilla That makes sense to me What? You're the smartest gorilla I know That's fine, there's no issue there I'm a Flash One of my best friends is a I know That's fine There's no issue there I'm a flush

One of my best friends is a Batman It's fine Girls are A-OK in my book What? Batman's not a gorilla Exactly He's a Batman though It's fine

I don't think that's true either Also he's an orphan And as you know He was fine Raised by a butler Never called him dad, though. Never adopted. Aligns with my morals.

Krilling God gives up his life for crime. Yeah. He's like, I might just retire. Might go jungle mode. You gotta be safe in the jungle, because this guy's a lunatic. I can still get to the jungle, but... Less likely to go there, I guess. Don't know if I want to be there.

Okay, well, yeah, that's why it would be bad for that. He's like really grunt. Yeah, he dies halfway into his own story. He's turned into a fine red mist. Did the Flash do it on purpose? Or was it like an A-Train situation? I don't know. At first I thought it was an accident,

but then he seemed to relish in it. His adoption should be illegal stance was very... It seems thought out. It's so good to imagine a comic book cover where it's like the Flash running and he's got that classic pose where he's got his fingers up near his head or whatever and just a speech bubble. Adoption should be illegal. The Flash, issue 25.

Oh, fuck. Just like a stance where it's like, well, this doesn't... There's a lot of bad stances out there, but at least they usually have something to wear this to. Well, I just can't connect it to anything. It doesn't seem like... Is it about Batman? Is it religious somehow?

In some way, I don't understand. Is it a religion? Is it religious somehow? In some way I don't understand. A religion I'm unfamiliar with? Is it to do with the speed force? I can't tell. What kind of take is this? Is this the reverse Flash is doing somehow? Because I guess the reverse Flash raised him fucked up. Is that what happened?

I guess we'll never know. Remember, Barry Allen, I am your biological father. That's all that matters. Adoption, son, should be illegal, you see. What's the difference between adoption and kidnapping if not just one sheet of paper? I'm going to go a couple The greatest thing that the reverse Flash ever did to Flash

Real fucked him up Really messed him up about a document Oh Taught him wrong Taught him very wrong That's good I think the worst ape to raise Tarzan is Dunstan

from Dunstan Checks In oh cause Dunstan Jackson you're familiar with Dunstan Checks In he checks in he racks the hotel

it's very funny yeah yeah yeah do you know why he's at the hotel I kind of maybe is he a spy close

he's kind of the bad version of a spy he's a jewel a terrorist He's a jewel thief. A terrorist. No, he's a jewel thief. I don't know if they're opposite of a spy. He's a jewel thief. Oh, no, he's a bad.

The bad version of a spy. I think would be, think would be a bad spy. Or a spy for the opposing force. Okay. A good version of a jewel thief would be. Somebody who gives jewels back. Yeah. A Robin Hood? Yeah.

I picked a terrorist because I thought a spy breaks into a place quietly. Quite loudly. Okay. I picked a terrorist because I thought a spy breaks into a place quietly. Breaks into a place quietly. Quietly. Okay. So Dunstan's a spy. No, a jewel thief. A jewel thief, of course. What's he doing with them jewels?

He steals them for a guy that he knows. Okay. Does he know what he's doing? Yes, because if Dunstan checks in, he has the arc of a human being. Whoa. He has regret for his crimes. Oh, no. He has morals.

But that's good to teach. No. Never mind, man. Because he does also wreck the hotel. Oh, yeah. That's true. And as a result of the wrecking of the hotel, the hotel drops from a five-star rating to a one-star rating.

Oh, my God. But then the new owner is like, that wasn't Dunstan's fault. It was. Yeah, yeah. Here's a new hotel in Bali. And then it's like, oh, fresh start. And then Dunstan, let me just check, drops, I believe. Money?

The critic that dropped the original hotel from five stars to one star. Yeah. Then goes to visit the new hotel in Bali that they've been given. Yeah. Dunstan drops a big coconut on the man's head. And that's the end of the film. Oh, my God. So Dunstan, I mean, he's, you know, alongside his crime of stealing.

Yeah. Can't handle criticism. And will murder people. Why? Well, he already killed a thousand dogs. If a coconut falls on your head, you'll fucking die. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially a large coconut.

Thrown by a chim. Hooked by a chim. An falls in your head, you'll fucking die. Especially a large coconut. An orangutan. Oh, even worse, dude. Even worse. We know that whoever is raising Tarzan can kill. Yeah, that's a good point. He'll kill again. Thunstan has a bad attitude. Look at him.

That's the lascivious way to stand out. I like it. But at least he's put on lascivious way to stand. I don't like it. But at least he's put on some shorts. He's wearing boxer shorts. He knows human modesty. That's intriguing. That's an interesting thing to teach Tarzan. Tarzan would have shorts on much the same. Raising Tarzan, I guess he's

teaching Tarzan to be quiet. He's stealthy. The value of a good gem. Steal jewels. I've got one question for you, Dusha, regarding the Dunstan checks in scenario. Dunstan is a jewel thief. Yeah. Is he an independent jewel thief or is he, you could say, owned by another jewel thief that he works for? He works for a jewel thief with his now deceased brother who I believe died in a jewel heist.

Dunstan's brother? Yes. There was another, I said this man He had two jewels. That would be the most fucked up crime scene. Oh my god, the jewels are missing again. Is that a shot orangutan?

Also so scary for the security guard. Oh my god! Thank god it's not a fucking mandrill torn off. That would have been just my luck.

Last day here at the jewelry store and a fucking mandrill comes. Two mandrills shred my body. A mandrill's the closest animal we have to a xenomorph? Yeah. In terms of pure despicability. Yeah.

Anyway. There's pure disgustingness. Are mandrills the ones that have trained dogs? Yeah. No. Maybe. Maybe. It might be mandrills.

That's scary if they've trained dogs because of Dusha's circus theory. That's a thing we did. The reason I ask about if somebody owns Dunstan is because imagine you have the chimp and that chimp raised a baby. So Lord Rutledge had two chimps. Or two orangutans. It's Lord in quotation marks. It's a fake Lord. He had two orangutans. Two orangutans. He's a lord and he's... It's lord in quotation marks. Oh, okay. It's a fake lord. He had two orangutans.

Two orangutans. Dunstan and his brother Samson. Okay, great names. Samson's a great name. Great name for an orangutan. Really good. Really good stuff. Samson dies.

Show us the prequel. Yeah. Samson dies. And since that death, Dunstan has been wanting to escape from Rutledge's poor treatment and life of crime. Okay. So it's only when his brother dies, he's like, I gotta get out of here. I gotta get out of here. He didn't know, maybe.

He was just like, this is all fun and games for me. I get to steal precious gems or get to take precious gems. He doesn't quite understand that. No, because he's not spending the gems, you know. Dunstan then does get away, and then he runs into the little boy. And the little boy's like I'll look after you Dunstan And then Dunstan's like no worries Time to cause mischief

He doesn't say any of this Dunstan doesn't actually talk He is an orangutan Yes true So if Dunstan Is raising Tarzan I fear it's going to be Tarzan Raising Dunstan Because he seems like he could be easily swayed

by just like a little boy wanting mischief but when is a baby cleverer than an orangutan I actually watched a video about this that's a great question Jackson that's a great answer J.D. so in the 1930s the Kelloggs

horrible people as in like from the cereal yeah I don't the anti-masturbatory Kelloggs it is spelled the same

I don't know if it's the same family yeah fair enough maybe let's just say well look I've heard this whole story because I watched

a YouTube video on it and I can say that these this couple are horrible people but hey anyway basically what happened is they were like nature nature v. nurture.

Can we provide an ape with so much nurture that nature doesn't matter and an ape becomes a man, basically? They were trying to do your theory. They were trying to do my thing. They had a baby boy, and then they got a baby girl ape, and then they raised them as siblings. And the baby girl ape learned stuff way faster. It was only when the toddler little boy started talking that the ape started falling behind a bit. Okay.

But the ape picked up on things like potty training and stuff like that way quicker, and another test they did was to test the reaction times of both a little boy and a little baby ape. Yes. Reaction. Like, you know, say, for example, you like your reflexes. You tap their knees.

No, no, no. Not reflexes. You drop a ruler and like you see if they have it quickly, they can grab it. Yeah. No, no. Yeah. Yeah. No, it was just a reaction.

A reaction. So like, you know, you gently like throw a ball like underhand. Is that what they did? Yeah, yeah. All good theories. So this is in the 1930s. So what instead they did was they put on a film. They had a film projector.

Yeah. That's nice. I had 1930s. Yeah. 30s. That's nice. All right. Okay.

Well, that's impressive. Fancy. And then whilst, so let the little boy and the little girl ape settle into whatever they were showing. And then they pulled out a revolver and shot it into the air. And then they checked how quickly it took the child to get scared by the fact a gun should have just happened behind their head. Who got scared quicker? Oh, the ape. The ape got way more scared.

That's a great way to make an ape eat your baby. Yeah. Ah, whoops. Well, you got the guns. more scared that's a great way to make an ape eat your baby yeah ah whoops alright you got the guns so it goes yeah

wow tragic day at the ape factory and then it's alright with a timing with a how would

I assume okay you shoot a gun in the air it's presumably an ape is like and then like A little kid might cry

How do you test You got two stopwatches? I think it was two separate tests Like as in The ape is watching And the boy is watching I see Wow

The boy I think seemed more confused But scared where the ape went into like fight or flight Apes know Yeah I mean it's a loud noise Yeah Couldn't they have just like a note blown I think seemed more confused but scared where the ape went into like fight or flight. Apes, no. Yeah, apes, no. Yeah, I mean, it's a loud noise. Yeah, yeah. Couldn't they have just like a note blown, like say a paper bag? Yeah, or even an air horn, you know?

I mean, same thing. Balloon? Yeah, yeah. They had a lot of options other than a revolver. Yeah, to shoot a gun in the air. Science used to involve more revolvers. Then they weren't satisfied with that, so they brought in a group of eight children. Eight children? Just shot a gun in the air. Shot the gun in the air. Oh my god. And So they brought in a group of 8 children 8 children?

Just shot a gun in the air And did they bring in 8 apes? No, the ape wasn't involved in that part Don't know why they did it Anyway, the ape then So basically what happens is the ape Starts developing In a regular ape speed

It did stuff like Walked more upright and like like learned to communicate with like noises. And like if it got told off would then like be like, I'm sorry. Not say I'm sorry, but go up and like. Yeah, communicate that. And like try and hold hands and play and stuff like that. And make like happy noises when she saw her brother, our little boy. Yeah, okay.

But then the little boy started making ape noises to communicate. And then the parents were like, hmm, tests off. That's such a shame because you're about to get an ape boy. Yeah. You're about to maybe

get a little boy that learns how to speak ape. Yeah, I know. You could have gotten like a bilingual boy who spoke ape and human. Half ape, half boy. That's amazing.

Yeah. I mean, fucked up. But like, yeah, I mean, morally questionable. That were like, huh, our boy is struggling to communicate certain things and he will go, instead of using words sometimes. Oh, that's awesome.

And that was their line? Yeah. That was their line? Damn. Damn. So the reason that- And then that man, and this is heavy, got to age 40 and killed himself. Yeah, fair enough.

It's like maybe doing horrible experiments on people's about it. Yeah, maybe don't try and raise a boy as an ape. The ape sadly died one year later because she got a cold or something. Oh, that's sad. It's easy to die if you're an ape, but also really hard, which is interesting. Yeah, they're tough. You can probably hit an ape with a car, it'll be alright. Yeah, I reckon a gorilla, absolutely. If you hit a

gorilla with a car, the gorilla will just grab you by the bonnet and sling you in the air. And they just go... The reason i ask this is real dangerous the reason i ask is because if dunstan is raising baby tarzan yeah is there a period of time where he like that works yeah and then tarzan gets too intelligent and dunstan not really i think it would just be the same as the... I guess it would be the experiment, right? But to the point where it's just like, oh no, our boy is communicating in chimp noises. Yeah. It'd just be like, well, Tarzan is now only speaking in chimp noises.

Yeah, he only knows eight. But yeah, it's the reverse. It's exactly the reverse of that experiment. But yeah, because Dunstan has an attitude problem and loves to cause mischief. Tarzan will also develop one, yeah. Does Dunstan have an attitude problem, or is that attitude problem kind of caused by the boy? Yeah, that's true. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no. He drops a big coconut on a man's head, remember? Oh, that is very true. That's fair. Yeah, yeah. I can't find any examples of... Was that a learned thing from said boy? But he's a bad...

I mean, he's a bad... Dunstan pushes a lady into a big cake. Oh, okay. You see, he's trouble. Okay. And I think this is... He's a product of his upbringing by He sees trouble. Okay. And I think this is, he's a product of his upbringing by a jewel thief.

You know what I mean? There's a lot of trauma there. Yeah. Seeing his brother probably get shot during like, I guess what Dunstan would consider his job. Yeah, exactly. While Dunstan was meant to be paying attention,

his brother died in the line of duty. You know? Plus I think the problem with this is that like, even when they're out, like there's a chance Dunstan will come in for one last job Or whatever And abandon Tarzan at home

Or take Tarzan Yeah exactly and then Tarzan's exposed to a life of crime You can say you're out But you're never truly out There's always one last job Danny Ocean's on the phone Dunstan Hey buddy me and Rusty

We got an idea. We're going to hit the Bellagio. I hate this man. Classic scene. Hey, Dunstan, bring the boy. And then just like. And then Dunstan's breaking into the Bellagio and they're like, what's he doing? He's checking it.

We need to write this down. It's sounding good. Yeah, that's dangerous. He's bad just because being a parent is not ideal. But he's got a troubled past and he's never truly out. Dangerous sort of environment for...

Historical Tarzan gorilla parents. They didn't live a life of crime. No, exactly. They just lived on an island. They were just happy. They were content. It seems like Dunstan... And this Dunstan is a murderer. Yeah, absolutely. He's a despicable guy.

He doesn't seem content. He's always maybe thinking about what's next. Well, you know, exactly. All he's known is crime. Big score. Exactly. Because he's smart.

He'll figure out that like, wait a second, this Lord was getting all this money from all these gems, but like, he's not doing any of the work. Absolutely.

Maybe I go after him. You know what I can buy with money? Banana chips. Yeah. And maybe it's a vicious cycle and he starts raising Dazan to rob banks of their gems.

Whoa. You know, he sees where he's at and you know, like it's a vicious cycle, and he starts raising Tarzan to rob banks of their gems. Whoa! You know, he sees where he's at, and, you know, it's a real dangerous situation. Tarzan, you know, grows up, and then he's, like, just chilling at his home, and then, like, a plane manned by two mandrills crashes. Tarzan kills one of the mandrills, raises a baby mandrill. Raises the baby mandrill. You can't, though. The mandrill.

Lash onto his face like a facehugger and kill him. Eat him from the inside. You can't do that with baby mandrill. Raises the baby mandrill. You can't, though. The mandrill. Slash you under his face like a facehugger and kill him. Eat him from the inside. You can't do that with a mandrill. You cannot raise a mandrill. You cannot raise a mandrill. But the filth that it is. Exactly. Have you seen The Omen?

Yeah. That's what a mandrill will do to you. People will be like, oh, it's nature versus nurture. It's inherent. It's inherent. It's inherent to what a mandrill is. It's in their DNA. Okay?

They've got evil DNA You look under A fucking microscope You don't You see three Fucking numbers Six Six

Six If Harambe was a mandrill No one would have mourned They would have cheered They would have clapped Exactly No question You wouldn't have even needed

That boy in the pond They would have just been like Where did we get a mandrill Oh thank god Wouldn't have made the news No Or it might have just been like, where did we get a mandrill? Oh, thank God. Wouldn't have made the news. Or it might have to be like, mandrill shot at nation's ears. Any more positive news today?

A loathed mandrill was shot today. Shot at the Cincinnati Zoo. Just hit me by the security guard. Yeah, I just noticed it and I knew what I had to do. I was just doing my morning rounds of just checking on the animals and at the corner of my eye, I saw a bar. I was just doing my morning rounds of just checking on the animals, and you would not believe, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a bar. It must have snuck in or something.

I don't know. It must have got past the camera. It's just a disgusting mandrill. Nation rejoices. Mandrill death. And then behind the camera, you shot a dead. I shot it. Oh, I had to.

You had to. Yeah, it's true. They're terrible. They're fucking horrible. Dis had to. Yeah, it's true. They were terrible. They're fucking horrible. Disgusting. Yeah. Well, thank God Tarzan was raised by gorillas or whatever. Yeah.

And on that note, I've been Joe. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joe. Do you want to get our ape noises out now? Oh, yeah. Oh, that's a good one. Oh, that's a good one. You got to know there's a lot of good faces out there.

Yeah, good stuff. Good stuff. Hey, I'll see you next week.