Plumbing the Death Star - Which Would Be The Worst Classic Board Game To Be Trapped In (Jumanji Style)?

Episode Date: May 3, 2020

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Sans Pants Radio, Australia's most family-friendly podcast network. Before we get into today's episode, I think we have Tom Walker here. Beautiful man, comedic genius, giver of treats to eyes and ears. Oh, boy. Tell us, Tom, what wondrous delights do you have for your adoring fans and soon to be fans I will not you bring joy tell us about your

greatness well Cass thank you so much for asking and thanks for reading that script I sent through I've got an Amazon Prime special it's called Very Very and it's going to be available on that streaming service. You can get a free trial if you want to watch it, or you can use your existing Amazon Prime subscription. And those are the two options, as far as I can tell.

But yeah, it's my show that I did last year, and it's really good. I'm really proud of it. You should be. Jackson and I were there, as well as a lot of Sandspence people were there for the screening and I saw it I think three times before that

I cannot recommend this comedy special enough it would do you well and improve your life greatly to watch it don't be a moron go subscribe to Amazon Prime if you haven't already

if you've already subscribed like we said that's great news it's a flex to be honest but that's fine alright bye hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star

where we ask important questions like which would be the worst classic board game to get trapped in Jumanji style. I reckon Connect 4. Okay. That's where we're starting? Yeah. Big.

That's great. So is the idea that you find a... Are we finding it in the same way you find Jumanji? Buried in some sort of construction Look, we're building a new studio We're digging outside We're breaking ground All those kind of things And what do we find?

Oh boy All the time we connect for And you just hear That's not what the noise is I haven't seen Jumanji. I think it's the sound of plastic chips falling. Yeah, absolutely. I would be like, are we about to uncover a casino?

I like the idea of Zammity being like, hey, does anyone want to play Connect 4? And we're all like, no. Not really. Not even a little bit it's a pretty pretty boring game all right i guess it's for to play with my sister come on so i've heard you're pretty sneaky are we saying this works like jumanji in that you you put in a big chip and it falls to the ground and then you hear and you look up in the sky

and a big chip's coming to fall on you do you bring them into the real world or do you zathura style go into the world of connect i was thinking zathuru style but also i was thinking or jumanji two style like yeah yeah yeah but i was thinking honey, I shrunk the kids style because I was imagining myself very tiny trying to live on the board game of Connect Four while people kept pushing in. So the question was classic board game Jumanji style. Joel Zalman's answer is Connect Four, how I shrunk the kids style. It's not even magical.

It's like someone just shrunk you down and put you in this space. You're just being tortured. Yeah, I'm like, I love this place. It's so nice and airy. Oh, no. Hey, Dusha, check this out. I'm going to drop a fucking chip on Zalman. You'll kill him.

That rules. I'm so glad he's tiny and trapped like a fuckwit. I'm going to kill this tiny man. tiny man yeah yeah like a fucking ant i also like that in jumanji you get out by winning uh you can't win in connect four if you're in the bottom of connect four and a tiny man that's true i'm not even playing at this point no i could be directing, being like, no, get over there. Put the blue one in. The only thing you're going to be saying is, don't drop it on me. Don't drop it on me.

Go diagonal. You can do it diagonal. I guess you'll get out of it when they finish quickly and tip all of the things out. Then you're just small. I guess it would be these big giant chips falling from the sky hitting the house yes yeah and trying to line that up is going to be very hard to get out of your connect for mungy do you need to drop the chips in and get a connect

for without crushing your like without you drop one in myself or the the chips in and get a connect four without crushing yourself. Without crushing myself or the chips falling somewhere that's not next to the other chips, which might be hard considering how big they are. What would it be? What are the situations where the things were just falling from the sky and you had to drag them together so that as long as four were touching, you won? That could be relatively easy.

Yeah, but if four of the other ones touch, you lose. Who's playing? What happens if he loses? Oh, no. Does he die? He's crushed. Crushed by a giant plastic sphere. Are we doing this like the film Jumanji,

where Zamet, as a child in the 30s, plays Connect Four and gets sucked into Connect 4 realm and then in the 1980s two kids are playing Connect 4 and Zamet comes out of Connect 4 realm and says what day is it and the kids are like we're just playing Connect 4 and he's like ahhh I'm Robin Williams

is it like that or where's my dad yeah I think it's like yeah yeah yeah I think I's like Yeah, yeah, yeah I think I've got to be trapped in the Connect 4 realm For at least 20 to 40 years I'm going to agree with that new hypothesis And not the one that Joel Zammett tried to pitch earlier

Which was Honey, I Shrunk the Kids style Okay, great Yeah, so he gets sucked He loses at Jumanji He gets sucked into No, no, no He loses at Connect 4 It's me and my childhood sweetheart

We're playing a game of... Dolly Parton. Yes. Dolly Parton. We're playing Connect Four. I put the first one in and get sucked off into... Sucked off? That puts your dick into the hole as well.

I get sucked off by Connect Four, Rob. Oh, no. That's bad foreplay. Imagine playing Connect Four with someone and being like, all right, I put my chip here and putting your dick through a hole. Like a glory hole. Connect 4 as a glory hole is bad. Spinning the Connect 4 thing around in your penis like a hula hoop.

So I get sucked up into Connect 4 realm. Dolly Parton is like, oh no. And then she freaks out and buries Connect Four, even though she should be playing Connect Four and putting the next one in. And then several other kids in 25 years or whatever, they find it. They start playing. I come back being, where's my dad? We need to get Dolly Parton and finish this game of Connect Four.

Also, I guess kids are now playing, so this is a four-way Connect Four. Which you can't do. Step one, we have to, I guess, get more pieces. Step two, find Dolly Parton. I like this one because in Jumanji, something strange, we can't move these pieces on the board, but if I found a Connect Four game that had one of the chips jammed in the bottom, I'd be like, I guess it's broken.

Throw it away. At least we've got to avoid that bit. So is there any other terrible things? What is Connect Four Realm? Connect Four Realm. I imagine it's being like Tron, except instead of bikes, there's just chips flying around there's only one game in connect four realm is it connect four yes yeah yeah correct a simple

but dangerous challenge line up four chips and win. But beware, for if your opponent lines up four chips, you lose. And then you have to pull the little trigger down the bottom that makes all the chips go. And then you must play again. Okay. Oh, yeah. Begin. Begin. Who is this guy?

I love him. Connect Four Maniac Man. He's the ruler of Connect Four. He's like the equivalent of the hunter that comes out and chases you. And the kids are like, who's this guy? And you're like, honestly, I don't know. He just loves Connect Four and loves watching other people play Connect Four. You've connected three!

Imagine if you connect one more! Oh no, your opponent accidentally or deliberately put the piece where you were about to connect four. Keep playing! Remember, my children, you can also go diagonally. Connect once, twice, thrice, no one more. That is the rules of Connect Four. Okay, so who decides who goes first?

Flip a coin. You can choose amongst yourselves. There's no rule for this. The only rule is that the game is over once someone connects not one, not two, not three, but

four tokens. Now that I think about it, I've got a brilliant idea. To decide who goes first in Connect Four, I play a simple game of Kinect 4. Isn't this a bit recursive, sir? Because now I'm going to... All right, all right. I'll go first.

Okay. Is anyone else imagining it's not like a giant, like, digital Kinect 4 thing, but it's like a Tron-like stadium with just a regular plastic game of Kinect. Yeah, regular size in the middle. Yeah, absolutely. And it's Zammet against whatever the Tron people are called.

Tronbots. Trombos. Zammet against Trombones, whatever. Yeah, I'm like, okay. Look, one of us won. Then you get out and it's good because you're... It is a bit like Jumanji, I guess, where you're like, well, what happened in there doesn't really prepare me for here.

I don't know why a game of Kinect 4 took me 40 years. Either I'm bad at Kinect 4, they're cheating, or I'm stupid. Why not all three? I don't know. It was like a 20-year argument of who went first. It just kept going. I was playing Connect 4 to see who would go first, and then the guy was like, congratulations, you won.

That means you go first. And I'm like, wait, what? And it just kept going. It's like, hang on, how many am I connecting again? What's it going to be? Four! It's always four! Four! You fucking four! It's always four. You're four.

You fucking four. It's in the name. So, look, I've got to sit. Yeah, I tried to be smart once, and I got, like, sort of three in a row, and then I got another three in a row, but there was a gap. One, two, three, no one more. I thought I'd be a bit of a. You've got to connect. Four. This is a game for children on the surface realm. No one knows what the rules is You gotta connect This is a game for children on the surface

realm I put the last one in and I connected like 7 He wasn't happy I don't really know what the rules are Also, I just need to point out that in Jumanji you don't win Jumanji in Jumanji to get freed from Jumanji, someone has to play it

So it is quite possible Zami gets trapped in Connect 4 for 40 years because who the fuck plays Connect 4 now? Yeah, that's a good point. Especially once Dolly Parton starts screaming, like, no one play Connect 4! None of you

honeys out there be playing Connect 4! Just, that's a rule! Everybody just, it's just one of her bugbears nobody knows why but it's also good because when you get out into the like surface realm the what is happening is not a game of connect for big tokens falling from the sky you're like well what happened in there i don't i guess i don't have a big connect for game to play guess your strategy best strategy is just to let all of the tokens hit the ground and then just touch them throw it away wait am i out all right cool cool cool i've um i've spent

a lot since mentioning dolly pot and i've been trying to shorten connect for into the amount of syllables that are in the the name jolly yeah I can say Connect Four, I'm begging you, please don't take my man. But then I just figured I could just say it like I just did then. It's a reference rather than a song. Yeah. In this alternate timeline. She's a spoken word performer.

That was like one of her biggest hits. It's why no one plays Connect Four. Massively successful at this time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's still Dolly Parton. She just sings only about Connect Four. For some reason, Connect Four becomes the board game of cucks and bulls. That's pretty bad.

Jolie is a cock anthem. Yeah. Yeah. What an interesting, you know, alternate path that we've taken here. So, yes, I think it's pretty bad. Yeah. But it's only bad when you're in Connect Four realm. Once you're out of it, you're just like, well, that was bad.

It's bad because it's confusing and you have a man yelling at you and also giant plastic discs fall from the sky and potentially some kind of hazard. It's more puzzling, I feel, than confusing. Well, in one of the versions we pitched, it's literally just being in jail. Yeah. Which is you're just sitting bored and there's Connect Four. So basically it's just jail, but the board game Connect Four is also there.

And I guess a bit nicer because there's only one man yelling at you as opposed to, you know. An army. Yeah, I don't know. You know how an army runs prisons? You know how the army comes to jail to yell at the prisoners? Oh, damn. It's a Friday. The military's coming.

They're going to come and tell me off. None of you should have done crimes. I know. Yeah. Sorry. Hey, you'll be sorry. I know. Yeah. Sorry. Hey, you'll be sorry. I'm sorry now. Yeah.

See you next Friday. Next time, don't do the crime. See you next week. Hey, before you go, do you want to have a quick game of Kinect? They've already gone. They've gone. Yeah, it's all right. I guess I'll play by myself.

You can play Kinect 4 by yourself. That's true. It's sad, but's sad. All right. I guess I'll play by myself. You can play Connect 4 by yourself. That's true. It's sad. That's true. But you can. You can do pretty much anything by yourself, and it's just sad. Yeah. Name a thing that's for two people.

Pretend it's for one. It's just sad. You can't play Jumanji by yourself. Yes, you can. Ah. Can you? That's the rules of Jumanji. Let me hang on.

Seek a world that seeks to find a way to leave the world behind. Jumanji. Yeah, you can. that seeks to find a way to leave the world behind. Jumanji. Yeah, you can. I mean, it's dangerous because you can get sucked in if things go bad. Yeah.

Get sucked off by Jumanji. Imagine trying to fuck the riddle hole. That's what happens if we're playing Jumanji. It starts to shimmer and I'm like, is this... Do you reckon I can? And you don't know what I mean. And then all of a sudden, dick in.

But I think it was made of plastic, so I just lose my cock. Turns out it wasn't a glory hole, but a riddle hole. Why would you think it was? I'm dumb and horny. Here to go. Dumb, young, full of cum, my friend. Had to get rid of it. That's me.

Shall we rank it in was it worse than jumanji yeah um oh wait and one more thing that we should clarify for each what happens if you cheat because in jumanji you become a monkey and in zathura you go to space so what happens if you cheat because i'd be cheating pretty how do you cheat and connect four you go you you do it twice you put your finger in the hole there's so many ways to cheat and connect four? You do it twice. You put your finger in the hole. There's so many ways to cheat and connect four. Both very subtle. Yours?

Your finger. No. I can't. It's stuck. One finger. It's not in there. I'm just holding the board. You don't have to hold it.

Let me think about my move. And then slowly you're trying to raise their chip out with your finger. Don't look. Hey, there's no rules about cheating having to be subtle. That's true. I think if you cheat in Connect 4, you get full of Connect 4 holes. Little demons try to put chips in you to fill you up. That's what I think happens.

You become the game. Oh, no. Oh, no. So then, okay. So then Kirsten Dunst, she's in Jumanji, yeah? Yes. Who's the other one? A little boy.

A little boy. Kirsten Dunst and her boy. I guess they're playing me in the future. When they find a... They're like, wow, this K'nex fall looks like a stretched man. A man full of holes. More holes than a man has ever had. Your K'nex fall was fine until this moment, then it got bad.

I think it's worse than Jumanji. Well, I mean, it depends. It's only if you cheat. I'm going to cheat. Zammett's going to cheat. I just said I'd cheat from day one. They're like, you must, you know, to get out of whatever boring thing we're in,

you need to play Connect Four. I'm like, oh, look, four in a row, done, straight away. You didn't do a turn. And now I'm doing the finger holy. I'm full of holes myself. Now I'm a Connect Four boy. Again, it's also good that you've cheated Whilst in Connect Four

Because that has no ramifications In real world The only ramification is that you cheated So you're full of holes Well again it's like I cheat in Connect Four realm Which means I go deeper into a different Connect Four realm Which is just the same

People have to play Connect Four It's the same but they're littler, I guess. A grander challenge. Connect Four Junior. Okay, so I think, look, that's pretty bad. Worse than Jumanji, but I'm pitching Hungry Hungry Hippos. For Hungry Hungry Hippos, one scaredy scaredy man. Those hippos are so hungry.

Hungry for blood hungry for balls yeah you've only got one good one oh no it's me and my remaining testicle running away from you ever seen a fucking what are they called a hippopotamus eat a watermelon it'll be that but my singular nut that's scary i'm so scared that your singular nut has swollen to the size of a watermelon that's not good wait are you bigger and the hippopotamus is a little no I imagine if it's the same thing

your balls just got massive I get trapped in nut connect in Hungry Hungry Hippo's realm which is the board game of Hungry Hungry Hippo suspended in the void and I'm in the middle of the point where the hippos go in to eat, and they're chomping at me, and my ball is out for some reason. Maybe that's unrelated.

I just had a hole in my pants, but I've connected to the two in my head. Well, are the hippos... Okay, question. Are the hippos real-world hippos, or are they Hungry Hungry Hi the hippos, okay, question. Are the hippos real world hippos or are they hungry, hungry hippo hippos where they're multicolored, long necks and can't move? Oh, no. Okay, well, that's not bad because they can't move. But long necks.

But long necks. They can't move, but they can get at me. I mean, I guess that means when we come into the real world and I can kill them with a bat or whatever. I guess it's kind of like if you're in Hungry Hungry Hippo Realm, there's that singular point in the centre where they get very close to you but can't get you. Rest your ball there.

And so that's where you're freaking out because you can't move. But when they come to the real world, I guess, like in Jumanji, as opposed to stampeding, say, monkeys or water buffalo or whatever is stampeding in that film, I haven't seen that film for the longest time. Typically it's elephants. Okay, that's cool to know. You just have four hippos.

So really it's like four hippos as opposed to elephants. Hey, question. Yeah. Could I beat four hippos with my car? No. Damn. Well, well, well. Are the hippos in a line and you're driving at speed?

Yeah. I imagine that maybe they're attacking you when I come from the side with my car. That's good. Then yes, I think you could. Yeah. I think you would die as well. I think you could get a the side with my car. That's good. Then, yes, I think you could. I think you would die as well. I think if you hit a hippo with a car, you'll explode. You'd probably only get one, though.

Jackson, your cars don't work like they do in Grand Theft Auto, yeah? Yeah, but I just think, well, I mean, it wouldn't explode, but I think if you hit a hippo at speed, you'll be in trouble. If you hit a wombat at speed, you're in trouble, and they're little. What about me me a golf club yes hippos i think can i give you each a weapon to protect me from this car and i'm like poking my head out what my ball yeah i'm in a car as well i got in the back seat though yeah okay so what what's my weapon you can have a golf club and Zamba can have a chainsaw.

And I think you can take out the hippos that way. Okay. I think maybe a chainsaw. Yes. A golf club. Douche is getting it. No, he's just got to turn it around and jam it in the ear of the hippos. So it goes in the hippos brain.

Yes. The ear canal leads straight to the brain in all mammals. Thanks guys. They were going for my one nut. And then I shake the hungry, hungry hippo's game at you and smash it on the ground. Are you free after that? Or did we not win?

We just killed what they sent into the real world? So in the 60s or whatever, you and whichever teenage sweetheart you want to pick. Shania Twain, I don't know. Who are you? Famous teen heartthrob. Shania Twain, I don't know. Famous teen heartthrob Shania Twain. Celine Dion. Let's pick Celine Dion. Celine Dion.

You and Celine about to play Hungry Hungry Hippo. Hey, Celine baby, you want to play a game of Hungry Hungry Hippo? She's like, yes. We baby talk to each other. This is normal for me and Celine. Hang on, just to clarify, is this before or after the 1997

film Titanic? Is Celine a big star at this point? No, no, no, you're kids. Yeah, we're kids. We're children. We were childhood friends. That's right, my mistake. And I make a joke when we get at the hunky-hunky, I'm like, I hope they don't go for my one-nut Celine Dion. You had testicular Hungry Hippo. I'm like, I hope they don't go for my one nut, Celine Dion. You had testicular cancer as a child.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we've had to push it back in the timeline. He's always had it. I was born with one nut in this timeline. And one fake nut. And then as we're playing it, I get sucked into Hungry Hungry Hippo's realm. Yep, Celine is like, ah, runs off and never, she's like, no one play Hungry Hungry Hippos realm. Yep. Selene is like, ah, runs off and never, she's like, never, no one play Hungry Hungry Hippos.

I think you're going to say she runs off and she never thinks about you again. She doesn't care. All her big songs are all about Hungry Hungry Hippos, which is nice. And then I come out of Hungry Hungry Hippos, Rob, and I'm like, whoa. Kirsten Dunst and Boy are like, have they gone for your nuts yet? Because they want your nuts bad. They're like, no.

What? What? Who are you? What year is it? Where's Selene? It's good for her. Oh, wow. What?

So how do you win Hungry Hungry Hippos? You eat the most amount of balls. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Would this be like a real world, I guess, proxy for this is that so every one of you will be riding a hippo. Yes.

And they have to eat the most things slash balls. Eat the most balls, hippopotamus. Again, we're getting confused that when you get sucked into the game... Fuchsia, please, sucked off into the game. Come on now. When Hungry Hungry Hippos sucks you off, then Jackson can just be tormented by these four hippos,

and then in the real world, we have to ride hippos and eat balls. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. We're on the same page. Cool. Yeah, okay, good. How do you make a hippo eat balls? What do you do?

Well, the thing is now, though, it's you, Kirsten Dunst, and Boy on the same page How do you make a hippo eat balls? What do you do? Well the thing is now though It's you, Kirsten Dunst and boy on the hippos First we've got to get Selene back Because she played in the game That's scary for Selene Dion when I knock on the door And I'm like they wanted my balls in hippo realm But in real world realm We need to eat the balls

Get on this hippo The green one yeah so all four of you stampeding around are you trying to eat testicles or just anything sphere i like to believe i'm still convinced that the hippos need to eat nuts but i think the rest of them know that they don't which means i'll lose it hungry hungry hippos Because I won't eat the most balls Do I die? What happens? I think it just wanted it to be played It didn't matter who won

As long as someone eats the most balls But the way it ends is all the balls have to be ate Yes So how many balls do you have to eat in the real world Is the question And now a quick word from our sponsors Also did you know that we do too many shows across the Sandspancer Radio Network?

Take Why Am I Sad, a happy little podcast where four friends try their best to stop feeling their worst. While we often advocate for therapy in the show, you know what's cheaper? Talking to your mates. And sometimes that's all you need. Unless you do need therapy,

because if you do, go to therapy. Therapy's great. So if you want to hear myself chat to my good friends, Cass, George, and Zoe, about our feelings and the things that are making us sad that week, just search for Why Am I Sad on iTunes or Spotify or head to our website, sanspantsradio.com. Or do the balls come with the hippos?

I guess the balls must come with the hippos. Yeah. Or you could eat the testicle of every man in the world. Well, no, I think the balls come with the hippos, but you're gonna eat the testicle of every man in the world well i know i think the balls come with the hippos but i've become convinced that they're nuts and then once i've eaten all of the nuts in say a shopping mall i'm like why haven't i why isn't it over oh there's only one ball left you mean nuts like say a peanut or nuts as in ghoulies because you're saying you eat all the ghoulies in a shopping mall

like it was nothing. You said that as if you were eating a bag of peanuts. You said that in that same level tone. Not a bag of fucking dick nuts. I want to point that out. Not just, I went in and hoed down on every man that was in a supermarket.

No, no, no. I've eaten every pair of testicles. The supermarket is strewn with people of balls, but their legs are gone because a hippo can't delicately eat a pair of testicles. They're just going to squish the legs. And I'm standing there with my hippo, and I'm like, there's only one nut left, and I lie down and spread my legs.

The hippo eats my nut, and it doesn't end. And I'm like, maybe they just meant the balls that came with the hippo. At the same time, Celine Dion. Yeah, I bleed out and die. And don't see how it ends. You bleed out, and as you're bleeding out, you turn back into a little boy or whatever. Why?

What's happening? And transport to the 1960s. And whatever, however that ever felt. Celine Dion, I just had the craziest, most awesome dream. Well. So how was that? What happens when you cheat or if you cheat? Celine, I've heard she might do a bit of something sneaky.

Maybe she'll try and pocket a ball. Tip the thing. Do you become as hungry hungry as a hippo? I thirst for balls. You get the same thirst for balls. Selene's like, I'm hungry for balls now and i'm like no and she's like i don't mean i can't be clear enough about this i don't mean testicles and i'm like yeah but that's what you would say we're splitting up don't eat my nuts i've only got one good one left. Don't eat it. Don't eat it, Celine Dion. Mouth off.

So it's no threat to me, but I am convinced it is. Don't eat my nuts, Celine Dion. I know you've acquired a hippo's appetite for testicles, but please leave me alone. Celine Dion, I am begging you, even though you have an insatiable thirst for my one good ball, keep your lips off my ball sack. Even though, like a hippopotamus, you crave my balls,

please step off and leave me be. Your heart may go on, Celine Dion, but I need my ball to go on. So whilst you have the thirst of a hippopotamus for my ball, you cannot eat it. I need it. Yeah. Okay. So in terms of how bad this is, it's pretty bad.

Is it worse than Jumanji? Only your interpretation It's only bad for me Otherwise it's fine Everyone in the supermarket If for example Robin Williams came out And was like the way to win Jumanji Is to get these chimps Ripping out testicles

I would be like wow Jumanji is to get these chimps ripping out testicles, I would be like, wow, Jumanji's pretty bad. The only way to beat Jumanji is cock and ball torture. We can get out. Because otherwise it's just you go to Hungry Hungry Hippo Realm, you let the hippos collect the balls, you come here, you ride a hippo. It's fun. It's less destructive.

It's kind of like the hippos, I assume, if you're riding them, it's kind of like that level in Donkey Kong Country where you're riding a rhino, but this time it's a hippo, and instead of bananas, it's just balls, but not testicles, just the balls the game comes with. But instead, if you were like, oh, no, I'm now riding this rhinoceros in Donkey Kong Country and I don't need to collect bananas. I need to somehow get crocodile nuts

and you hack the game to make it more and more gruesome. That's what I'm playing. Yeah. Yeah. Also, obviously, you punched the hippopotamus In the back of its head to open its mouth Yes Like a full wind up punch

Yeah so that's my So the game in and of itself Probably not as bad as Shimonji You playing it Bad worse Oh no A lot of eaten torsos a lot of half people a bloody mess where legs used to be in one shopping center just pray it's not the one you're at. Yeah, totally. So, not great. Yeah, okay.

I'll cop that. That's fair. Yeah, I imagine that during the supermarket issue, you're screaming, the balls are few, the needs are many. Yeah. And also, like, I mean, it's low on the terms of bad things, but just in terms of, like, Celine Dion's reputation for you,

like, you think she has a hippo lust. An insatiable hippo lust for nuts, yeah. Which in the grand scheme of things, we have a whole supermarket of half people. Not great, but just not great for Celine, who probably would care for what a friend from her childhood thinks of her. What does she think has become of me? Yeah, and now she thinks that you think or you definitely do think yeah that she has a hippo lust for testicles absolutely i'm a big fan of you appearing on behind the music to be like yeah

so one thing about celine dion and people don't know is that she has an insatiable hunger for testicles she'll eat him yeah she needs to eat him. Hippos hunger. You know how hippos love to eat nuts. You know. This is a crazy story about Selene. I shouldn't be saying this, but I'll say it. I'll tell you. It's behind the music. She was present in the whole mole

incident where everyone lost their testicles. She was present. She was part of that. She was part of that. She had an insatiable, like a hippo. Yeah. Like she wanted to eat, like consume, like food. Like human testicles. She was present. She was part of that. She had an insatiable, like a hippo. Yeah, like she wanted to eat, like consume, like food like human testicles, like a hippopotamus does. And then the camera pans back and I'm in jail.

I wonder what that would do for a musician's career if you just like matter of fact, like yeah, she eats human testicles like a cannibal. Like a hippopotamus. Yeah, like a hippo might, yeah. It's crazy, but that's just something she likes. It's pretty bad.

It's pretty bad. Yeah. JD? Okay, so the one I've picked, whilst it seems obvious, it's an interesting take on this, Monopoly. Okay. It's an obvious one, based on real life, et cetera, et cetera. One thing that your games don't have that mine has is the boredom factor.

Oh. That's true. So you don't get bored playing Hungry Hungry Hippo. You should just smash that Hippo button until all the balls are gone. It's quick and then it's over. Yeah. Connect Four takes ten minutes, if that. Five minutes if you're playing against someone dumb.

Or 40 years. Yeah, it's hard to say. Monopoly takes forever. A week. Yeah, that's true. It's depressing. Yep. It's just a lot of just counting,

but moving one token around a very, very, very unexciting board. There's cards, obviously. So you pick up a chance card or a chest card, I think. Community chest, yeah. Pass a thing, get given money, then you often have to pay money back, et cetera, et cetera. Kind of like in real life, you earn money, you spend money. But Monopoly has a lot of different rules

that don't quite affect real life that affect Monopoly. First of all, go to a friend's house, you have to pay them rent. Yeah, that's bad. It's bad as It is bad. It's bad as well because the studio is operated out of Zammett's home. Every time you come into work,

got to pay him a little bit of money. Plus, if there was like a second or third house on the studio, that's more money. God forbid.

You can open a hotel on any block. That's true. That's a good thing. As long as you own the neighbor's houses, you can have a hotel on your house. That's nice. Basically like as you own the neighbor's houses, you can have a hotel in your house. Basically like a precursor

to Airbnb. So you and, let's say, a young Avril Lavigne. She wanted a skater boy. Here I am. And she's like, hey, I want to watch you skateboard. And then you're like, no, wait, I found this game of Monopoly.

Let's play this. It's a 90s Tony Hawk version of Monopoly. Oh, yeah, she's all into that. Where all of the properties are skateboards. Okay. Skateboard houses. Skateboard houses. Okay.

All right. Well, when you get sucked off into Monopoly's skateboard realm, it's going to be very different. Oh, it's going to be very confusing. Oh, it's going to be very confusing. Let's just say it's normal Monopoly. Okay, that's probably for the best. For the sake of me getting sucked off. Yeah.

All right, so I get sucked off. I roll the dice. I roll snake eyes. In you go. I get sucked off. You land on the go directly to jail, but someone has scribbled out jail and written Monopoly realm.

It says off you go. Yeah, I pick up a chance card. It says get sucked off directly into Monopoly Realm. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. You're like what? And then off you go. You're gone. Oh no, I wanted to skate a boy instead.

He said see you later. I like to imagine he said see you later then screamed. I'm going to Monopoly Realm! I like to imagine he said, see you later, then screamed. I'm going to Monopoly Realm! I like to think the moment you arrive in Monopoly Realm, you meet the top hat, wheelbarrow, and battleship, and they start beating you up. Stay out of Monopoly Realm.

They have the fattest wallets, because when you start Monopoly, you get given like a grand. I don't have a grand in cash. What even? I'm going to try and pickpocket that battleship. Yeah, that's a good idea. Oh, that's a tiny battleship or a huge dog. Oh, no.

Yeah. I think the one thing that we can use to gauge size is the top hat, which I think perfectly fits Douche's head, almost like it's destiny. Oh. So the top hat fits me perfectly, making it a tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny dog and the world's smallest battleship. I could probably kick

the ship over. Yeah, maybe they're not beating you up, you start beating them up. It's like the equivalent of some kind of Godzilla coming into their realm. Ever seen a battleship sink on land? I just kick a hole in it and it just sucks into the ground. I'm like, yeah, that's right.

Yeah, that's right. Maybe I love Monopoly Realm. Yeah, Monopoly Realm because I guess we thought, look, when we made Monopoly Realm, we got the scaling wrong. It's like Cat's World. Yeah. Yeah. So they were like, ha, we're going to beat the shit out of that kid that comes on. We got the scaling wrong. It's like Cat's World. Yeah. Yeah.

So they were like, ha, we're going to beat the shit of that kid that comes on. No. I put on the top hat. I like that the top hat is sentient and I'm just like, fuck it. Time to wear this piece of shit. Super Mario Odyssey situation, but the hat doesn't want to be part of it.

Bad for your spine. It's made of metal. Well, that also means Mr. Monopoly or Moneybags or whatever his name is. Yeah, that's true. Mr. Monopoly's there kind of like the Connect Four guy. Welcome to the most dangerous game. No, that's Thomas the Tank Engine's boss. Doesn't he have a name?

Monopoly Man. What a name. Yeah, I don't remember that great bit in, I almost said Austin Powers 2, but I meant Ace Ventura 2. Yeah. Well, if it isn't the Monopoly guy. You know, that famous line. He's the Monopoly guy. So do you have to play Monopoly in Monopoly realm?

I imagine that the world is just set out like a Monopoly board. So it's just like one big block. His name is Rich Uncle Pennybags. I said Moneybags. That was pretty close. I said Monopoly Man. That was pretty close. I reckon you probably got like, I mean, you've got all like Old Kent Lane, Liverpool Street or whatever.

You got trains, electricity. I could just get on a train, pay 200 bucks or whatever. You've basically just got a kind of shit version of of of london yeah the beauty of monopolies that you have just the same level of of chance of purchasing a water company as you do a shitty house and that's pretty good yeah you could control utilities baby i guess you could reign supreme in Monopoly realm, unless, again, you are very big. Then you kind of live like a monster in Monopoly realm. Either way, good.

But I'm not that... I mean, okay, so if I'm big enough that the hat is usually the size of a person, but I'm able to wear the hat as a hat, that probably makes it about one-fifth of the size, making me one-fifth of the size of a man. Okay. Sorry, you know what I mean. Five times the size of a man, yeah.

So I guess you could like, but you're not going to be able to live in those hotels. I'll build one. I'd build them. I'll build a big one. Do you, the moment you come out of, I think the moment you come out of Monopoly Realm is when your problems begin.

Yes. What happens when someone starts playing Monopoly and real life Monopoly combines in real life monopoly combines with real life it's great to imagine you like the monopoly board where it has go directly to jail instead of the guy in jail it's your face hey that's pretty good let me out it's so funny if instead of going to any kind of monopoly realm all that happens is you become the prisoner like jail it just says I like it in here. This is fine.

I don't think he's telling the truth. I never lie. The board is now chatty. So I guess now you're out of Monopoly realm or out of jail, whatever when you were in. So now it's you, Avril, Kirsten, Dunst, and Boy playing a game of Monopoly. Does that mean when you get, say, the community chance?

Community chest and chance gods. You get, say, second place in a beauty contest. Do you then have to go and do a beauty contest? Well, I imagine it would work like Jumanji rules. So if Dusha pulls it out and it's like, you got second place in a beauty contest contest all of a sudden out of the fireplace a whole beauty contest comes and they give him 200 it's just not scary because it's not chimpanzees or whatever or what if it's like total recall style where i draw that card and then all

of a sudden i've just got a memory of coming second and yeah oh that'd be nice it's like you come second so you know you're there, you come second, so you're there, and you think you're going to win, and then it's like, second. Oh, okay. I guess. I have a list of the community chest cards here, if you'd like to know some. Oh, no.

Oh, yes. Get out of jail. Free. Yeah, that's easy. Tuck that in your pocket. Yeah, bribe a policeman. Bribe a politician. Go to jail.

The opposite. That one is a card that should be drawn on me all the time. It is your birthday, your agey year. That's scary. Oh. Hospital fees, get a broken leg. Oh, no. Yeah.

You're assessed for street repairs. That's pretty bad. I guess a lot of these things, if it gives you street repairs. That's pretty bad. I guess a lot of these things, if it gives you the memory, that's fine. But then if it's almost telling your future that you cannot change, that's pretty scary. So then it's like if you go to jail, you're like, oh, no, what do you mean? And then you accidentally commit a crime because you have to. Well, I imagine they just come banging on my door

and they're like, you've done this. I'm like, what? I reckon every time you draw a community chest, because also this Wikipedia page has the description of the image that's on the cards. I think these happen to you. So bank error in your favor. Mr. Monopoly falls back in astonishment

as an arm presents a sheaf of cash out of the bank teller's window. So you draw that card and a disembodied hand thrusts $200 in your face. Which is good, because $200, but scary. This is like, well, look, a Monopoly game is already

quite long. This is just going to make it longer. This get out of jail free card gives you wings. Alright. The jails in Monopoly don't have a roof. This is just going to make it longer This get out of jail free card gives you wings Hey Alright The jails in Monopoly don't have a roof I feel like you're just going to get rich and powerful From this Yeah it feels like you're getting rich and powerful

Go to jail for a little bit As all the rich and powerful do Yeah that's true that's just par for the course That's just a bit of real life sprinkled into this Plum in the Dead style to stay relevant. We got it, dude. But who's going to win? Because the way you win Monopoly is the other contestants go bankrupt.

Are you going to bankrupt Avril Lavigne, Kirsten Dunst, and Boy? Yes. Boy lost. I think Boy gives me biggest grief. Yes, boy lost. I think boy gives me biggest grief. I know where Kirsten Dunst and Avril Lavigne stand. Boy, mystery.

We don't even know his real name. That is scary. Can you bankrupt a child? Yeah. Well, that's why it's so hard. I'm like, eh. I'll figure out how to do it. I like that this is meant to be worst one. You seem like you've come out pretty well.

Yeah, I'm kind of smelling like roses. Yeah. I think what'll probably happen is I just become a man that I hate. The game will, someone will start playing and I pop out and I've become Pennybags or whatever his name is. It's good to imagine you. So at the very end, although no wait Because once you win the game It all resets back to normal, yeah?

Yeah So you would have been like, I've spent six years playing Monopoly Yeah, normal play length And now you're like, I'm rich I've bankrupt my two good friends and boy My arch nemesis I guess And now I'm one of the most richest, most powerful men in the world. Maybe I can start living my life.

And then all of a sudden, all of a sudden, you know, you've, you've become one of the 1%. You've become like, you've become like the 1% of the 1%. You are like so bloody rich. The man that I hate the most I've become. I love the idea of imagining you looking into a mirror in like a full length suit and like you're looking at yourself globally and you're like, what has Parker Brothers board game Monopoly done to you? And then you get a text that just says, you know, from boy. Oh, no, I have to file for chapter 11.

I am bankrupt. And then you're like, oh, I won. I won. And then you're sucked off back to the past. And it was all. You're a poor child again. I had the most interesting dream. That's how Jumanji ends, right?

Yeah, absolutely. So, I mean, I guess. Kirsten Dunst, I got sucked off. It was a good dream. What? That's the last line of Jumanji. It was a good dream. What?

That's the last line of Jumanji. So, I mean, yours was bad, but only from like a, like you're full of regret. I killed a lot of people. Zammert got crushed by giant tokens, so. I forgot to say, if you get caught cheating in Monopoly, you're death by firing squad. Yeah, absolutely. Just like in real life. You're hanged in the middle of town for sure whilst

pelted by oranges i was almost gonna say tomatoes is what i meant oranges will hurt more yeah pennies mr moneybags himself comes and strangles you that's what look this is pretty bad but i don't think anywhere near the worst no unless i try and cheat in which case instant death yeah that's pretty bad, but I don't think anywhere near the worst. No, unless I try and cheat, in which case instant death. Yeah, that's pretty bad. Being hanged is never fun. I think, weirdly, all of ours, probably not as bad as Jumanji. Yeah.

Like, the way your play style, Jack, awful. Bad. But that's a personal thing. The actual game of Hungry Hungry Hippos, not too bad. The choice to misinterpret balls as testicles is really your only answer. It's all on me, absolutely. I think Jumanji was the worst board game to get Jumanji'd into.

I'm sure I probably figured that out from the beginning. Let this just be a lesson to our listeners of Plenty of Modesta. Sometimes we have a topic, we come up with a big swing and a miss. Jumanji did it worse. That's all right. That's all right, yeah, that's all right.

We're human. We make mistakes. And, that's alright. We're human. We make mistakes. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've been Joel. And Jumanji, it's the worst one.

It's pretty bad. It's pretty bad. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspants Radio, or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead.

And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps. And if you want to support us, head to SandspantsPlus.com. Thank you again for listening,

and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.