Plumbing the Death Star - Which Would be the Worst Fictional Spaceship to Travel the Galaxy in?

Episode Date: July 15, 2018

In which our heroes ask the hard hitting question; Which Would be the Worst Fictional Spaceship to Travel the Galaxy in?Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Theme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website bennydavismusic.com or check out his YouTube youtube.com/bennythejukeboxWant to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. No bad ideas. Today's episode is proudly sponsored by MrCoya.com. Stylish short-sleeve button-down shirt designs you won't find anywhere else. Visit MrCoya.com slash PlumbingTheDeathStar to grab yours today. Hey Zammett. What? I heard someone was saying that we're, we being me, you and Joel Disher, PlumbingTheDeathStar, are gonna come to the UK this year.

Who's been telling you these truths? I... Oh! Well, give me more details, you scoundrel. Well, we're heading to Edinburgh Fringe, and we're going to be performing four shows. We're going to be at Just the Tonic on the 14th. We're going to be at Assembly on the 18th and the 25th

and the Loft on the 26th. What month is this, you ask? I didn't, but go ahead. I'm assuming it's not September. What's out before September? August. That's the one. That's the one.

Are we just doing Edinburgh? I fell. Are we just doing Edinburgh, friend?. Are we just doing Edinburgh fridge? No, Jackson. Don't be a silly, stupid piece of shit. We're not just doing Edinburgh fridge. No, we're going other places. We're going to go to Glasgow.

We're going to go to Newcastle. We're going to Leeds, Nottingham, Cambridge, Manchester, Oxford, Birmingham, Bristol, Bristol London Brighton Cardiff Wow I know it's crazy And did you know in London We're going to be part of the Part of the

The London Podcast Festival Are you fucking kidding me? No Jackson I'm not It's crazy That's incredible Where can people go to get the damn tickets? You can go to

Sandspantsradio.com Slash live Are they selling out quick? They are Glasgow is already sold out but where can people go to get the damn tickets? You can go to sensepantsradio.com slash live. Are they selling out quick? They are. Glasgow is already sold out and a bunch of them are already more than 50% sold. Holy shit, the people better get on it quick. Yeah.

Fuck. Hey, everybody, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, which would be the worst fictional spaceship to travel a galaxy in? Pazap What? I meant to make a spaceship noise But I made a space gun noise

Anyway, the Starship Enterprise Pazap a ship Pazap Starship Enterprise Are you in it? Or is it just you? Am I the Starship Enterprise? Are you the ship?

No, I feel like we should do it like You get the spaceship And you get maybe one member of the spaceship Yeah, because the whole crew The ship obviously operates fine as is If it was just me and the crew of the Starship Enterprise Then I can just sit in the corner Yeah, exactly

That'd be so easy Because I'd just make a hammock in the vents I'd be like, what happened to the Jackson? I'm like... In my mind, you were still the captain, so that's very good. Ah, Captain Zammett, welcome aboard. You're like, yeah, just give me a second. Clamber in the vents.

He's gone. Pop my head down. He's gone. You guys know what you're doing. Yep. All right, good. He's away. He's in the vents now.

The vents have him. So me and one other member. He is a me and vent boy. Yeah, you and one other member because... I feel like that that adds enough difficulty that you're going to have a bad time. Yeah. But also it's- It now feels a bit doable. Yeah.

Even though it's frankly not. Me and one other person on the Enterprise does not accrue much. What does a captain do on the Enterprise? He just sits in the chair being like- He's an apple. He's arrogant. See, that's trouble because my choice was Picard. Because I'm like, he's got a general idea of everything well he probably has a general idea of how everything

works yes exactly so you can put him where you needed to but i imagine what you're going to do is you're going to put him on the controls and you're going to sit in his chair i think what's funny is that i'm like yes he knows what everything needs like what needs to be used at what time. But he also needs to tell himself, I've worked myself out of the equation. But that's okay, because then I guess he just sort of fucks around and pilots the ship and I get to see the cool aliens or whatever. You're going to be sitting in the captain's thing just sucking a drink out of a bottle. What? Throw a can over my shoulder. I like to imagine I'm surrounded by banana peels

and empty Dr. Pepper cans. Maybe there's a magazine on the floor too. Maybe I huck a Dr. Pepper can at the back of Picard's head every time I'm bored. Who did that? Someone else. A red shirt. It was Dada.

Dada gotcha. Jackson, you eliminated everyone else. Did I kill everyone? Jettisoned into space after a weird Borg attack. I just like to imagine I have a button that just jettisons everyone except the room I'm in. I just kind of like look around. Yeah.

But God survives because of course he does. And then I'm like wow you gotta run the ship It was an accident Why'd you install that button Why do you need that in case we need to vent a toxic gap But we give everyone a warning Yeah well that's dumb This is a bit on you

I pressed that button Is Picard an Italian name Picardio Like piccolo Like a flute Do you know what i mean yeah do you know of flute play me the flute the card well what i think is good about using the taking the enterprise is that you have government sanctioned to like be anywhere but also what's bad about the enterprise is that you're an enemy of everyone yeah i was gonna say you're an enemy of everyone. Actually, it is Starfleet's mandate that you not be seen by just local folk.

Yeah, that's right. So you can be like, Picard, go there. Well, it's against Starfleet regulations. Picard, do you see the Starfleet around you? Because I pressed the ventilation in the Starfleet headquarters button. He's just hovering above the button again. Picard! Picard!

We're going to see these natives. You'll be vented too. Do I look like I give a fuck, Picard? I like that. Subtly I'm not calling him Captain Picard. I'm the captain. That's why. Picard, you're the

captain to press this button, Picard. I, the captain, will press this button and I am not afraid. I also like to imagine an exterior shot of the Enterprise, one of the you know the two tail things, it's just on fire yeah the two things fucking on fire cause like, I don't, the Starship Enterprise

is huge it's not even on fire, it's just missing it's just that big circle bit just spilling I don't know if I can land it Jackson Well what the fuck could you do Let's see how are you dealing with One of our common

Space problems Dealing with like a Borg I feel Yeah well do we want to go specific To the cause I'm assuming we've all chosen Spaceships from different... Non-Star Trek. Yes. Maybe just basic space issues.

So fighting an alien, like an alien invader. We're spinning. Try and hit us. No, worst, worst, worst. Not best. It's true. I'm too in love with my spinning Enterprise. Just laughing at you.

The SSS Enterprise. I love the idea of like an alien like the klingon or something getting me on the screen and i know this doesn't make sense but the idea of my screen just whipping around like try get it you mean like the center of full show like everything is up to one end of the ship. I love it. Pouring out of the side of your throat. It appears the Enterprise is already in trouble. We are fine.

You're the thick Klingon that you're the one in trouble. I don't know what he's saying. God, fire the lasers! That's great because they just fire off into space. Because you're spinning and you're just shooting in every direction. Exactly. You're a hazard. We've become a danger to any alien trying to board because you can never board us!

We're not good. It's not meant to be. The downside is that I actually just can't get off it anymore I don't know how to slow down the spin I don't think it was designed for that That's crazy that like There's nothing stopping you Like a plane loses a wing say

And a plane begins to spiral towards the ground A spaceship loses a wing It just spirals forever Yeah yeah I just feel Who's the big alien guy Is it Q or some shit? Q, yeah. Do you mean the, like, extra dimensional being who's going to-

Yeah, just as this came down, grabbed you by the side, spanned you. Shh. Or, like, threw you like a discus. Fucking. I just love to imagine, like, the Klingon or the Borg being like, we'll board them, take them out that way, and their ship getting close to ours and just getting churned up. Shh.

Okay. No, no, no. Please, Jackson, no, no. Please, Jackson, we need to get off the ship. Picard, if I've said it once, I've said it a million times. This is your life now. You'll get used to it. Do you know how fine with it I am? Just vomit down the front of my starship outfit,

Star Trek outfit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. What are other basic alien landing on a planet? First contact. You might just, because the starship Enterprise is pretty big. Yeah. And so, like, you are not controlling it.

So you could, like, just go straight through. Like, you're basically going go straight through And you're basically gonna Dinosaur these people I like the idea of a buzzsaw dinosaur situation Like we hit the planet At such force but then we start rolling around The planet Cutting through it But slowly

Picard being like We're getting deeper with every rotation Jackson Jackson. Well, that makes sense, Picard, because you're not going to get fucking less shallower, are we? You idiot. Fucking come on, you dumb bald fuck. Jackson, eventually we'll reach

the core of the planet and we'll explode. We'll cut right through it. The planet will split in half like a fucking orange and we'll carry on. It'll be good. Shut up, Picard. There'll be two planets we've created live, like splitting the atom, Picard. Does that know what the fucking Enterprise, the Star Trek

was all about? Come on, Picard, I'm not interfering with the natives, you fuck. They don't know it's me. They're just like, oh, what the hell's happening to my goddamn planet? Oh, no, there's volcanoes everywhere. They're just like Ah what the hell's happening to my god damn planet Oh no There's volcanoes everywhere This is an apocalypse of catastrophic proportions

Survival of the fittest Picard Not once did they say Look at that fucking spaceship Traced us back to fucking Star Trek H.Q You fucking idiot Who's the fucking captain now, you fuck? I like to imagine that we hit the core of the planet,

explode out of such force, and embed ourselves in the side of a Borg cube. Shit. We've stopped. Why have we stopped? It's also great to imagine the Borg getting us up on the- Stop spinning. Just everywhere you and Picard just- It's also great to imagine the bog Getting us up on the Stop spinning Just

Everywhere you and Picard just Hike Dizzy as fuck Dizzy as shit Oh I got used to it Oh I got used to it The bog being like Who are you?

Just give us a goddamn second bog Oh I gotta lie down The room's spinning Oh my god I think I'm good What do you want? The room's spinning. Oh, my God. I think I'm good. What do you want? It's like the ball coming to simulate vomiting on them, gumming up all their technology.

Oh, God, we fucked it, Picard. Oh, Picard. Picard, this was a terrible idea. Picard, why? Why did we decide on this? It's great the way I'm just deciding Picard is a guilty party. Picard, why did we think this would work? Why did we think what would work? This, you crazy madman. You crazy old fool. Starfleet will have your badge for this. You mean it'll have our badge? You mean it'll have my... You're wearing my outfit.

You have my badge. Your outfit's dead. Someone keeps chucking up. I think you've somehow now acquired a Borg ship. That's pretty good. Calvin didn't vomit. But I like to imagine we're in at an angle and we don't know how to get in and operate the Borg ship,

so we just use the thrusters of the starship to push the Borg ship forward. It's totally so rotating again. Yeah, yeah. The Borg ship. It's like the ring of vomit instead of, like, surrounding it. We've got to spin fast enough

that the Borg cube flies out like a projectile, Picard. We've got to spin because I just don't know a world where I'm not spinning, Picard. I'm so happy to be spinning again, aren't you? Jackson, please. I was also imagining the break of the Starship Enterprise, like, just destroyed. Like, wires

coming out of a wall. I've snipped something. Who knows what's going on there. Alright, so that's dealing with aliens. Navigating an asteroid field. Asteroid field while you're spinning. Does that help us or hinder us? Well, using the same logic as before,

you just cut through the asteroids. Yeah, exactly. We just lay in. We slice them up and move our way through. Or we spin so fast we eject the Borg cube and it cuts us apart. That we our way through. Or, we spin so fast we eject the Borg cube and it cuts us apart. That we then roll through. Perfect.

All the Borg left on the Borg cube. I guess they're free now. But also maybe when we exit the Borg cube, we leave a hole, similar to how I got rid of everybody, and all the Borg get sucked out of the cube. That's the greatest tragedy all the Borg gets sucked out of the cube. That's the greatest tragedy

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Low food or water? That's true, just basic survival stuff. You know, having to land like, land on places and... Life support systems, I guess. Yeah. We get a matter replicator. I just go to it and type in matter and see what happens. Air.

Air. Air. Air. Picard, get in on this. Helium. Picard, get in on this. Come on. Just typing in gases. Picard. get in on this. Helium. Picard, get in on this. Come on. Just typing in gases.

Picard, oh, God, don't get in on this. So, surviving in space, food and water, matter replicate, replicate me, cell matter. I just imagine typing that in and getting a cube of, like, flesh. Hey, look, Picard. Dinner is served. Eat your flesh cube, Picard dinner is served eat your flesh cube Picard then I just keep pressing like replicate replicate replicate to the point where it just is stuck

on flesh cube flesh cube sauce just a grey Jackson you might want to say what kind of sauce nah it should know just sauce a basic sauce come on now eat your flesh cube with sauce.

Just typing in food and sauce. And I just get a cube and a grey goo. I guess it's food and a sauce. It counts. It's delicious. I can drink the sauce. You don't even need water, Picard. Picard, you idiot.

I'm a genius and you're no longer the captain. What are other space maladies? Mutiny? Wow, that's inevitable. That's inevitable. Picard is stronger than me. I don't know why he's been putting up with me for so long. I feel like he's very defeated.

Yeah, I feel like maybe... He's going to snap. He's going to snap after his, his like 48th flesh cube and sauce. He's just going to be like, I've had enough. I deserve better than this. Maybe I become the captain again. Honestly, all he'd have to do is I'm like, Picard. And I throw a can at his head and he turns around and walks towards me.

I'm like, oh, no. Look at me. Look at me. I'm the captain now again. I'm the captain. I'm the captain. I'm the captain. And he just snaps my neck.

I like the idea of him saying, I'm the captain now again. I'm the captain now again, Jackson. I'm the captain, I'm the captain, I'm the captain, I'm the captain. And he just snaps my neck. I like the idea of him saying, I'm the captain now again. I'm the captain now again, Jackson. I'm the captain now again. You're the captain now and again. Now and then. And then he snaps my neck. It just feels like, fortunately or unfortunately for you, is Picard isn't the man who's just going to snap your neck.

No. He might just, like, you know. He doesn't even know a vulcan death grip either yeah that's true he's gonna like subdue you put you in the brig ah don't you should have killed me just type jackson into the matter replicates jackson dead picard misunderstanding how it works dead picard dead picard dead pic get a whole bunch of corpses You're like I did it Dead Picard With sauce Got him

Picard's a corpse This grey goo Just On his head Picard It's great that Picard Opening the door And finding all of the dead

Him being like What What did you do Why are they covered In so much sauce I killed you Picard But you What did you do? Why are they covered in so much sauce? I killed you, Pickle. But I'm the greatest hero the world's ever known.

Greatest captain of the UXSL, the Extra Large Enterprise. Let's spin into the galaxy. Hit a big red button next to suck all the gas out that just says spin and then off we go. Light of victory. Some say Jackson and Picard are still buzz-soaring their way through planets to this day. I just love to imagine like spin where no man has spun before.

Captain's luck. Today we stop for a weird Star date Dead Oh my god I like to imagine What is it Starfleet The Starfleet base on Earth

Being like it's coming for us We gotta stop it I guess I die by being shot out of the sky As I buzzsaw towards Starfleet Look, that's a pretty bad way to travel the galaxy Yeah, 100% man What else is a really bad way to travel the galaxy? What's that?

The house from Up You gotta have a lot of balloons You're stuck in the stratosphere No, no, no a lot of balloons. Yep. You're stuck in the stratosphere. No, no, no. A lot of balloons. You have enough balloons that when you hit the ozone layer, where you should burn up, you've just got enough that the outer layer will pop,

and you'll be fine. Because the trick is, you don't need balloons in space. No, I just need to get there. You're already going up You're fine Just keep going up How up is up? Up

Why up? So up Up too, more up So you've hit the stratosphere You've burst through that, you're out of balloons Who do you have? You've only got that. You're out of balloons. Who do you have? Well, you've only really got two options. Three.

Three, actually. Not the dog. Or if you include the ostrich. Is Carl the old man's name or the kid's name? Carl is the old man's name. Yeah, cool. Carl is my choice. Okay.

He's ready to die, so... Are you taking the old man? Are you like, yeah, let's go to South America, but we need more balloons. I'm like, let's go to South America. And he's like, we missed them. Like, South America in space. Or alternatively, I tell him I'm going to take him to see South America, but I take him to see it from space.

What if you're like, let's go to heaven? Heaven's up. Let's go visit your wife. In space. That'll get him on board for going up Because he's like whatever I'm dying anyway If I die in the stratosphere that's pretty cool Yeah and that way I've technically made it to that place

Because I'm above it I'm above all things Exactly so you and Carl arrive in heaven Well not heaven Space Heaven in brackets space So do you have his little oxygen like breather? Yeah because that's what you can survive in space

By breathing through his oxygen breather Yeah we got that Alright that's good I shot the windows it's fine Jack and a cardigan Yeah it's a bit chilly It's fine apart from that though It is great to imagine you and Carl in like big old armchairs

Rugged up like freezing cold space is cold he's just like when are we getting to heaven soon Carl shut up you'll see your wife soon look it's South America isn't that somewhere you wanted to see he's like I wanted to go there

well seeing it's just as good yeah you're in space. Quit whining. Heaven, I mean. Is this heaven? No. Just let me think for a second.

I'm cold. My brain's working slow, Carl. Shut up, Carl. Carl, fuck. Don't make me make you check the mail. Hey, has the kid come with you in this scenario as well and just died on the outside? I didn't think about that. Open the door to check things.

A dead kid on the porch before Carl knows you just kick it off. Except it's space, so it's not going to go down. It's going to float away from the house. Hey, Carl, did you have a skeleton on the porch? I thought you were going to be like, hey, Carl, did you have a son? No? Oh, okay, good. Okay.

Weird. What is that? Okay, sure. That's crazy. Alternatively, hey, Carl, did we take a kid to heaven? Whose kid is this? Taking it in under your arm or stiff from space? Is this your kid?

No, I don't know who that is. Oh, thank God. I thought it might have been someone you liked. Anyway. Floats gently off into space. So is Doug also underneath doug no i think doug comes from yeah the bad bloke in south america who just completes his plans as fine gal the space heaven heaven heaven so okay what were the things I faced That you are now going to have to deal with First of all, aliens

Angels So, aliens board your house Carl, the angels are here He's grumpy He's a grumpy boy They've come to take you away, Carl Get to go to heaven now. I can imagine Carl being like, this is an old man, being real grumpy about anyone being on his house.

He's already mad you're there. He's furious. But he's scared because I'm bigger than him. What if he just locked the door? Aliens can't go through a locked door. That's rude. Absolutely. Because they're used to boarding spaceships where there's like tubes and shit you connect to.

A door, they're like, why doesn't it open? You know what? No alien can fucking comprehend the door handle. Yeah. They're so used to automatic doors, that's just so alien to them. They're stuck on the porch. You've just got a bunch of aliens on the porch, and all you need to do is tip your

house, and they'll fall. Quick, run to the other side of the house and jump with me. We're going to do a flip. Flipping a house in space and flinging the aliens into the ether is very good. So that's sorted.

Easy. Aliens was not a struggle for you. You can't get through the locked door and then I do a house jump and flip them. I guess, like, was it first contact, landing, and, like, you know, saying hi to alien folk? Carl, we made it. We're in South America. It looks different from the pictures.

You just got to, like, pop some balloons and then, like, lower yourself down. How do you get up again? Inflate some balloons. Get more balloons. I guess you have to... Or a slingshot. Okay.

Or like a plank of wood with the house on one side and the plank of wood sitting on a rock. And then we jump on the other side of the plank of wood. You idiot. Your house is just going to go to space, leaving the two of you trapped on the alien planet. Oh, no. No, that's fine.

You just attach ropes to yourself to the house. Perfect. And you've got to climb up the ropes where your house is in mid-orbit. You've got to be quick getting up so that you're not in space on the ropes. Carl, look, we're going back to... Oh, Carl.

Carl, be quicker. Carl, Carl. I like that you're in very real danger of the house rocketing up to space and just slicing your middle out as the rope cuts through your stomach. Carl, I'm in half now. Carl, give me your legs.

Fix it, Carl. Carl, you're old and wise. I'm young and dumb. How do I solve the leg problem? What do you do on an alien planet? I guess you tell Carl it's South America. And then you get like an alien dog. Yeah. You're going to, an alien planner? I guess you tell Carl it's South America. Yep. And then you get, like, an alien dog. Yep.

You're going to need an alien dog. Well, if you tell Carl it's South America, is he like, well, we've got to get to these specific falls? Uh-huh. And you're like, oh, it's around somewhere, and then you leave? Like, oh, we couldn't find it. It must have moved.

This is the wrong South America, Carl. Oh, this is space America. We meant to give it... Oh, the one on Earth. Carl, you should have said... Oh, let's get back in the house. And let's fucking catapult... I don't know what you call that. Fucking seesaw our way back up to space.

All right, so that's that. Meteors. Do you think it's meteors? Yeah, you're in trouble there. Houses, not... Not meteor-proof. Not meteor-proof. Meteor. Do you think it's meteors? Yeah, you're in trouble there. Houses, not meteor-proof. Meteor's pretty far apart. Was it a weatherboard house? Yeah.

Yeah, it's not tough. You could go underground. Go, like, under the house. That's the safest place for you now. But you know what you don't have to worry about? Earthquakes. Yeah, that's true. No earthquakes in space. Which is, you know, the house's natural enemy.

The predator of the house, the earthquake. You guys hiding under the porch and everything getting destroyed but the porch. And you and Carl sitting in the gross dirt underneath the house. Those come with us for some reason. Well, there's like a little bit of dirt, right? Yeah. All right, so meteorite's not great. Basic survival, like food and everything.

I mean, you've got the kettle. Yeah. You've got a kitchen. Yeah, you can make tea. Just need to go to the shops every now and then. Yeah. Every time you land on an alien planet, before you use the sea sword

and propel yourself back up to space. Oi, where's the shops? Oi, where's the shops? Hey! Where's the shops? I need some milk. For the tea. You want tea? Jamming a cup into the alien's head.

You know, tea, you idiot. I'm missing the cup going way too far into the alien's head. Here's some sugar. You know, tea, smacking it on the the alien's head. Blip, blip. Here's some sugar. You know, tea, smacking it on the top of his head. Tea, slurp, slurp, yum, yum.

Good with biscuits. Come on. You fucking idiot alien. I find my own milk. What's this? Can I milk it? Is that a cow? I'm gonna milk it. You sure that's tea, douche?

Yeah, probably. Shut up. You like your tea milky, yeah? Yeah, that's what I thought. That thing didn't look like a cow. Who do you think you're going to find a cow? Oh, fucking hell. We're in Brazil. There's no cows in Brazil.

You're so old-fashioned, Carl. Milk an alien for once. You old fuddy-duddy. Milk an alien for once. Your old fuddy duddy. Drinking some weird thick milk. Viscous. Like custard. Oh, that's good. Real tasty, Carl.

Carl, this is good shit. So I suppose you're surviving on thick alien milk. And tea. And tea bags. And hot water. I was also just imagining you going to a nearby pool of liquid and just scooping that up in your cup. And hoping.

It was pretty good. It's a bit burny. Overall, fine. Scared to piss, but we'll deal with that later. Where are you pissing? He's got a toilet, but it's fine. I guess you are going to have a ring of piss around the house.

Perfect. Because the plumbing presumably just exits to the exterior of the house. Aliens aren't going to want to invade. And also, if we take enough shit, defensive barrier against the meteorites. That's true. I like to imagine aliens being like,

what's this spaceship surrounded by a fort? Okay. Yeah, look, that's not for us. Okay, that's just disgusting. Inevitable mutiny. Yeah. Betrayal by Kyle. He's just an old man. Yeah, he's just an old man. He'll hit me with his cane. I'll break the cane.

Break the cane, break his legs. Put him out on the porch with the frozen boy. I keep threatening him. Kyle, you want to be a frozen boy? Just keep, like, opening the curtains to reveal the back of the kid's head carl i'm frozen one boy today i'm a frozen old boy i'll freeze a fucking nut i don't even care i like this role of this it seems like you have some ulterior motive like you're trying to get somewhere, but I don't know where. Heaven.

Yeah, look. I mean, eventually, I guess you get there. You just gotta keep going up. After a bit, Carl will be like, why are you doing this? I'm like, I need to take that frozen boy to hell. Where your life is. Heaven, heaven. Sorry, I meant heaven. What did I say? Heaven, heaven, heaven. Wait, did I say hell? Oh, okay, good. Yeah, heaven. Sorry, I meant heaven. What did I say? Heaven, heaven, heaven.

All right. Wait, did I say hell? Okay, good. Yeah, that's the one I meant. You're a sinner, Carl. You're a sinner. You think God wants us to build houses that float? No siree.

Every second we've been in space has been a front to the almighty. I also like the idea that this house event horizons. Do you look, Carl. Carl has an eyeball or some shit in the wall. Oh, Carl, I accidentally took us to hell. Everything's made of meat. Jesus didn't have domain over space. There's no rules, Carl.

No rules in space, Carl. Event horizon-ing up. That's good. Alright, so that's pretty bad. So I was thinking, I'm not sure of the name of this because I think it's actually an unnamed ship. But I'm going to call it the Kitty Hawk. Which was the very

first plane that the Wright brothers did. So I'm going to choose, is it Orville? Orville. So as he's like pushing the plane, I'm going to go up behind Wilbur and just brick him, climb in, and then me and Orville go into space. Rule violation, said fictional, but I'll allow it because I'm interested to see where this is going.

I just love the idea because, you know, clearly the way they moved it up was by pulling a lever, just a little bit to give themselves some crust, but you just pull it the whole way and you just go, Oi Orville, ever thought about going up? Please no! Orville Wright, where were they from?

I don't know. I feel like they were Italian boys but I'm not sure. It's a good question. Find out where the Orville brothers were from because we're going to need to impersonate the Orville brothers at some point. And I want to do it right, you know? You want to do it right, do you?

Whoa! Hey! American aviators. American aviators. Well, there you go. I don't think they're Italian. I don't know. That was good?

Mm-hmm. I also thought Picard was Italian. I've got Italians on the brain. Oh, but fucking Orville's got a sweet mustache. Show me your travel partner. I'm reigning the bald cunt and I'm taking mustache boy with me. Orville looks so disappointed. That photo was actually taken just after Zammett took him to space.

He just looks like he's turning to you very slowly with that expression. For real? For real. We're going to space, you say? That's where you're taking me. You guys fucking dickheads didn't think big enough. I want to be the first flying ship. Nah, higher.

You know where it's easy to fly? Space, no wind. You idiot. You can't crash. You're too high. Just keep going. What did the first plane look like? Where do you sit in it? It was basically like a biplane. Okay. Yeah. Sort of like a shitty

red baron. Alright, okay, cool. So, I guess you're just gonna hold your breath for a long time to keep yourself fine in space, breathing the lack of oxygen. You're fine. No, we'll just look like a suitcase and fill it with air. Exactly.

Every time we've got to breathe in. As you're going up, you collect the suitcase, you unzip it a little bit, have a little bit, zip it back up. That's good. Yeah, delicious. All right, so what are the... It looks like, you know, it's a biplane. Okay, well, that is flimsy.

That is flimsy but maneuverable. Are you just sitting? Oh, my God. You don't even have a chair, Samit. Okay, that is flimsy. That is flimsy, but maneuverable. Are you just sitting? Oh my God, you don't even have a chair to have it. Look at where you're sitting on your plane. Let's see. You're just sitting on... Just squatting. You're just sitting cross-legged in the middle.

And you're like, hey, I'm going to go to the side a bit. But like I was saying earlier, if you start to spiral in space, you just keep spiralling. So you're fine. Exactly. And you can shift back into the middle and center yourself. I'm just going to hold on to that scaffolding, I guess. Just chuck a fishbowl on as a helmet.

You're good. Yeah. Keep the air in. Exactly. Don't let the air get in and out. Exactly. So that's easy easy so dealing with aliens yeah

I just maneuver around them yeah I guess you're so little and maneuverable that like a massive alien ship might just not notice you

yeah because you just like you said before like you just move your squat a bit and then it's whoop turn like imagine this big star destroyer

coming over and then it just like zooms into the very small little ship being chased, and zooms further in to me and Orville being, like, drinking some tea, being like, that's fucking huge. I always imagine you peddling it. I know that's not how it works. The two of you being like...

We'll allow it. Faster, faster, Orville. Orville, you fool. Orville, come on. They're getting on. Literally one hit from a laser, Orville, and we are dead. Our laser just needs to get close. Literally a fucking space pebble and we're done. Anything tears through the thin fabric of our plane.

It's Orville. Why did you think this was a good idea to drive into space? Literally just scaffolding and fabric. You're all moustache and no brains, Orville. I miss your bald brother. He was the brain. So clever, he went bald. I just imagine everybody look up Orville Wright

because just every time Zammett says something like that, he just has that face. They're just like, Is it now? face they're just like is it now it's great to imagine you as a much smaller fight in a massive stars at star wars leveled fight that goes down to you just avoiding everything try not to get involved because surely like he's got a thousand-yard stare. He still can't quite believe. He's just bemused.

He's just like, this, I guess, is what's going down, and that's just fine. All right, so aliens, you just avoid it by being so small you're not even on their radar. It's great to imagine you smashing into the windshield of a big alien race and just all those faces staring at the at the captain through the big wind screen oh my god what's that guy he looks bemused with the situation and i love to have it like on the nose of the spaceship that

you guys have landed on. You get out and the two of you just push the plane around. What are they doing? They're pushing it around, I guess. Pushing it around and then just push it off the edge and then just pedal. Both running. Well, I guess they're going.

Who were these amazing people? Where are they trying to go? Home? It's hard to tell. Okay, so that's dealing with aliens. Easy. Meteorites?

Yeah, meteorites. Oh, God. That's just about shifting where you're squatting. And again, meteorite fields, they're actually quite far apart. Yeah, 100%. And we're only a little tiny plane. Yeah. Easy maneuver right about it. If you're clever far apart. Yeah, 100%. And we're only a little tiny plane. Yeah. Easy maneuver right about it. If you're clever.

One tiny, like, minuscule bit of a meteor is going to fuck us. Yeah, exactly. So why worry about the big meteor? Exactly. We've got to worry about the smallest. You should be super concerned about a tiny speck of dust destroying your whole operation. I forgot you both had fish bowls on your head.

That's good to remember. It's good to remember. One of them gets hit by a tiny speck of meteorite. You're like, oh, no. Just put your thumb over it, Orville. Come on. Just put your thumb over the hole. Idiot.

Your brother would have thought about this in a second. God, he was clever and I miss him. I'm so sad he died. You. I'm so sad. He died in that weird brick accident. Who could have foreseen such a tragedy coming? He somehow slipped over while sitting up and brains himself on a brick on a plane.

All right, so that's meteorites. First contact. Look, that mustache is very good. Yeah. And who's going to be intimidated by that mustache? We come down. We land perfectly. Yeah.

Because I'm assuming that thing has wheels. We land perfectly. And then it's just like, hey, how are you? This is good friend Orville. Look at his mustache. He just stands up into space. No alien wants to fuck with that. and then it's just like, hey, how are you? This is good friend Orville. Look at his moustache. He just stands up into space. No alien wants to fuck with that.

And also I just think, again, you're so not on the radar that most aliens wouldn't even know you'd land. Exactly. You're not going to solve any problem with the aliens when you arrive, but you could certainly land and then leave if that is all that's required of first contact. Well, that's true. I can just be like, hey, it's me. I've got to fill up our fishbowls thanks to the air.

And off we go again. Scoop. You wouldn't even necessarily need to land on the ground. You just need to get low enough that the oxygen's breathable. Scoop some into your fishbowls. Chuck them back on. And off you go again. Perfect.

Just got to refill the fishbowls. Absolutely. So that's done. What else? What were the other things you needed to take care of? Inevitable mutiny. Before that, basic supplies. Yeah.

Yeah. Look, there's no kitchen on the plane. There's no kitchen on the plane, and you can't just replicate matter and sauce. So that might be a struggle. Might be a struggle. Unless there are no fish in the fishbowl. Then delicious.

Then you just eat them. Fish and air. Classic American space delicacy. Fish and air. Got a bit of salt and vinegar on that fish and air. Then every time you land, you just need to pick up some air pick up some fish, put your

helmets back on and back into space. Look, there's a lot of room on that plane. Yeah, that's a lot of wing space. It's all room. It's all room. So maybe you know, couple of bar fringes. You'd be fine. A stove, a small, what do you call them? Like a kitchenette? Yeah, like a kitchenette.

I mean, fire is surely the most dangerous possible thing for you. Especially because it is just fabric and scaffolding. You've just got to be clever about it. I'm not quite sure how sturdy that scaffolding is. Will it melt? Maybe. Who knows? If you put a kitchenette on one side, you're going to have to either put another kitchenette in the other.

No, toilets. Be clever. Ah, that's true. You've got to shit somewhere. Think clever, not smart. What am I doing? You're right, yeah. Look, it's gonna be hard, it's gonna be hard. But doable. It's certainly survivable. Now, unfortunately, the inevitable

betrayal of mutiny, of Orville being like, I miss my brother Wilbur. I miss his bald head and you killed him. It's good because all that's going to happen is one morning you're going to wake up and you're just going to see that face looking at you. And he's going to get a brick. Oh no, he's going to break open my fishbowl

and get out of my brain! Oh no! My food! My food and air! My fish and air! Not my fish and air! Orville, you monster! You just got to suck Orville in the gut! Not my fish and air. Orville, you monster! You just gotta sock Orville

in the gut and take his fishbowl. My fish and air now! And then he's like and gives you that face as he slowly suffocates in the vacuum of space. And then just oof into the sun. Wait, are you going into the sun? No, he's going

into the sun. I like to imagine all three of us intervening somewhere in the vastness of space. It's good for your ship to just cut through Zama's ship, cut it in square and half. It is great. Exactly. There's like, this half is mine. That half is yours. Okay.

I guess we sorted it out I like to imagine like you're the upship house no it's an upship damn it's a plane circling around SS upship upship creek nah that's not good and then just hearing the like

clean through the two of you into the sun that's how i think it should end you look out the window you're like holy shit damn it you stand up with the fishbowl air and fish you're like oh my god douche! It's having a douche! Down at Starfleet, they're like, guess the problem solved itself. And look, we tried to figure out which was the worst ship, and we all made such great predictions that there was no worst ship, they were all great.

Absolutely. We instead all chose the best ship. The house ship from Up, the SS Enterprise, and the Kitty Hawk. From real life. From real life. All great fictional choices. Absolutely brilliant fictional ships. All of them would definitely survive the vastness of space. And re-entry and exiting orbit and everything is perfect and the world is a good place.

And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Space is easy. Hey everyone, I'm Jackson Bailey. I'm Mum. I'm Dad. I'm Ryder. And we're here to tell you about our brand new show,

Bailey Family Circus, where we answer your questions to the best of our abilities on this familial advice column. What's the best way to show appreciation if you can't afford a gift? If I help someone out and they said, I'm taking you on a picnic, I'd be like, hi. Yes. What is this? Picnics are a bit weird.

Words. Words. It's that kind of thing. Words are cheap. Doesn't necessarily need to be, you know, like a physical thing. You could take them somewhere. Go into a nice lake or something. Does that mean you'll call him up?

Look, I just wanted to thank you for the other day, so I'm going to take you to the lake. Well, there you go. Wouldn't you love it if Brides Your Mum were like, thank you for doing the dishes every morning. Thank you for doing the dishes every morning. There you go. We do appreciate it.

I stubbornly refuse. What did I say? I didn't give you a gift. I certainly didn't take you to a lake. What do you think about this thank you? Yeah. Jackson, I want to thank you for just being you. That's vague and weird.

A deed and a thank you and possibly a macaroni man. The cheapest way to show your appreciation. My neighbor's apple tree grows into my yard. Am I entitled to those apples? Oh, yeah. I don't think you are. That seems... They're not your apples.

I like to imagine you getting a hot air balloon and going up really far and you're like, I can go wherever. This is my airspace. Try and keep me out of the sky. No, no, that's not okay. That's robbing. That's robbing. What about...

Commandeering. Commandeering. Commandeered your apple tree. Like a pirate. So it doesn't really matter what sort of fruit it is Yeah, that's true If you steal it No, it's not a pomelo

You eat the skin So the lower it is, the more you're entitled to it Yeah, just because I think it's an air thing We got shot at once You got shot at for trying to steal apples? Yeah, in Willie Griffith's bar Why were they shooting at you? Because we were stealing his apples

What is that? That's a complicated question I don't think it's a complicated one Willie Griffith's bar. Why were they shooting at you? Because we were stealing his apples. What is art? That's a complicated question. I don't think it's complicated. Art is what I say it is. What about my paintings? Which ones? You get this look of just disgust on your face.

Look at that. He didn't try. What about performance art? Like what? Not this. What we're doing art. What we're doing is this podcast art. It's just us talking. What's you trying to put your stupid views on other people?

Probably annoying everyone. Is a movie only art if you enjoyed it? Yes. What if I enjoyed it and you didn't? Bailey Family Circus, a fortnightly advice column where we answer your hard-hitting questions. If you're in need of some unprofessional advice,

email us in at baileyfamilycircus at gmail.com. Episode 1 starts July 17th on iTunes, Acast, or listen directly from our website, sanspantsradio.com. Thanks for listening, and if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sanspants Radio, or you can find us individually, I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit.

If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspantsRadio.com, and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps. And if you want to support us, head to SandspantsPlus.com. Thank you again for listening, and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses. see you again next time good night for now but not forever kisses shop with racketing and you'll get it what's it it's the best deal the highest cash back the most

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