Plumbing the Death Star - Which Would Be the Worst Superhero to be Caught By?

Episode Date: May 8, 2022

Oceans, sins and a literal wrench are all in our future and none of it is good. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. You're listening to the Sands Pants Network. Home of comedy, culture, adventures, and ghosts. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. And I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. And today we are asking the important questions like,

which would be the worst superhero to be caught by. Hey, what's up? We're criminals. Yeah. We do crime. Welcome to this seminar. Yeah, yeah. You live in a world full of a lot of superheroes and some of them in your life are going to catch you You're not all that good

You're doing crime and I know you are because you're here There's some superheroes That if they catch you doing crime You're like oh I hope it's them For example Superman I think it would be great to be caught by Because what's he going to do He's going to pick me up by the scruff of my neck

And be like you did bad He's going to pick up the gun that you were going shoot i'm gonna try i'm gonna you know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna try and shoot you he's gonna i know i know he puts the gun in his mouth he chooses spits it out you're like that's cool yeah you're a cool guy superman you're a cool guy he throws me in a lake we go you take me to jail or you put him in a lake which way which one the classic superman bit is to fly over the jail and drop you in, which is like from all the old cartoons. Just cripples your legs in the middle of the yard.

Why every time? And a bunch of criminals, just like inmates, surrounding you with shivs. Come on, Superman! Think! But I know what you mean. He'd be ultimately good to you. And Spider-Man's the same

Spider-Man's pretty good Because He'll make fun of you He might hurt your feelings He's gonna hurt my feelings He might have a cry on the bus See Spider-Man though You'll have a cry on the bus

Right home But also He's gonna web me And upside down I'm gonna be alone In my thoughts for a lot And really question my decisions Thwip thwip

Oh is it first day on the job Of crime Is it no I've been a criminal for ages well doesn't show I guess experience

doesn't necessarily equal good yeah and then he's gonna grab my head and douche's head and bonk us together like we're part of like a fucking

three stooges routine and as you're hanging there from the light bulb you're like that quip he's having an off day I think hey was that quip

like his regular caliber would you say I don't know I was thinking the same thing what's a normal spider-man quip like his regular caliber would you say? I don't know I was thinking the same thing What's a normal Spider-Man quip? I don't know His grammar was off I guess practice doesn't make perfect There you go Spider-Man's come back to life

The reason I commit crime is because I want to see Spider-Man's tight five He's funny He makes me laugh You say you shouldn't be punching down but that's all he does The crime is because I want to see Spider-Man's tight five. He's funny. Yeah, he actually makes me laugh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You say you shouldn't be punching down, but that's all he does. That's all. Yeah, he's good.

But also, like, the thing with Spider-Man is that he's probably not going to take you to jail. Like, we've discussed this before. He'll stop the crime, and then he'll leave you for the cops. And then when the cops arrive, they're like, well, there's no evidence you did a crime except the web. So you're free to go. That's right. Don't check the cameras, coppers. Thank you. Now pull out my gun and I mug the coppers.

Give me your cop money. I know you have it. No, don't mean you have it. Yeah, so some of them, it's bad, obviously, because the awesome crime you're about to commit has been stopped in its tracks, but there are far worse. Oh, way worse. So I was thinking, pretty bad one, Aquaman.

Oh, in the sea. Number one, I'm committing sea crime. Okay. Okay, so I haven't seen the Aquaman movie. I've never had any interest in the Aquaman comics. And frankly, as a guy, I have no feelings towards him whatsoever. I don't think he sucks. I don't think about him at all.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What crimes are he... What crimes are he stopping? Yes. What crime are he stopping? What happened to Spider-Man? I'm still Spider-Man. Hey, Aquaman, what crimes are you stopping? That was right.

Why? Spider-Man, the crimes are you stopping? That was right. Why? Why, Spider-Man? The crimes that I'm stopping are. Kingpin punched harder today, I guess. I need to have a lie down. Is that such a crime? No. Because like how you.

Well, I think they're typically. Does he bash whalers or is he like. People who have acquired an illegal submarine? I think it's often either people- Someone's in the ocean strangling a fish? Like what? So it's either- I hate this fish!

I'm just wading into the water. Just like arms out. Where's my fish's neck? Just hucking plastic bags in. I hate this one fish so much. It's my enemy fish. I promise revenge. I'm getting it today, Aquaman.

You can't stop me. At the beach with you two, and I just look out to sea, and I'm like, give me five minutes, boys. Aquaman comes in. What seems to be the problem, boy? What seems to be the problem?

I hate this fish. You hate this fish? Hang on. This has nothing to do with you. Oh, yeah, but fish, do you hate this, man? Yes. So much.

Fuck this. Yeah, yeah. Aquaman being like, I guess this does you hate this man? Yes. So much. Fuck this. Yeah, yeah. Aquaman being like, I guess this does have nothing to do with me. The fish being like, step off, mate. Okay. Step off. This isn't about you. Aquaman standing with the two joes.

Yeah, that fish fucking hates him. Yeah, you two like sitting at the beach. Yeah, but Aquaman, ask a different fish. Yeah, I hate that guy. Look at him. He's greasing up my sea. Jackson has like the opposite of my powers. All fish hate him.

You're just like strangling a fish. Another one just jumps out of the ocean. He's back there. This was between me and that fish. Not me and you. They just start flinging out of the sea and bruising me in the stomach. You watch me get dragged out of the sea. You're like, wow.

Aquaman, you're doing this. I'm really not. I don't know what this is. I'm thinking about smoking a cigarette, actually. Aquaman smokes in my head. Oh, yeah. He's got gills. He doesn't need his lungs. Yeah, exactly. I can see him smoking a pipe. I don't know if that travels. I've been through his gillsills but he don't have gills But the thing Typically the crimes are like Polluting or

Wailing Or it's crimes that I guess Are happening in or to Atlantis Or is it more like You've committed land crime And then you're using seas as the escape route Well I guess that's a problem or even if I'm committing a crime in the

coastal town that he lives in. So why is it bad to get caught by Aquaman? Well, I don't really know what form it would take. That's scary. He's unpredictable. Is he going to be a piranha? Is he going to be a whale? Can he turn into stuff? No, but he can call

them to come and get me. So you are, if you say in the coastal town, what crime have you committed and where are you right now? Let's say robbing a bank. Okay, you've robbed a bank. In a coastal town. In a coastal town. And you are currently?

Jackson Bay. I know, but where are you location-wise currently? What is your location? Okay, you've got a big bag of money with a dollar sign on it. You're wearing stripy bank robbery clothes. You've got a revolver. Where are you now? Where are you going?

I would probably get in my getaway car and then drive off into the hillsides. So you're driving away from the sea? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Aquaman's like, well, I've got to protect the town. What are his powers? Control over fish. Yeah. Maybe out of the drains on either the fucking stormwater drains on either side of the ocean,

a big whale comes out, crushes my car. That's scary. I have many questions. I don't think Aquaman's getting involved. Flash is probably coming and stopping your car, and you're like, oh, shit. Do you know how stormwater works? A. B.

Do you know how big a whale is? C. Okay. Do you you He skipped B He didn't skip B, he said A and then C A, B, and then C Again the problem is you Jackson Let's explore

I don't think that Aquaman just watches the crime happen to his town No, it's like. Oh, wow. No, it's like he... He'll just jump on your car. He's far more likely to call another member of the Justice League to help in this situation. No, because he's fast. Yeah. Oh, he is?

I don't know why I'm pretending. I don't fucking know what Aquaman does. Frankly, it's not my business. He's just got basic superhero strength. Generic superhero powers. But he can also breathe underwater and talk to fish. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah So I guess he just runs off to your car, punches through the roof, pulls you out of the car,

throws you into the sea, then you get eaten by piranhas. I just think he would stop you. He would just maybe stop your car. He'd probably just throw a trident. Yeah. That's bad. Pop your tires. Oh, I suppose I thought you were like throw a trident at me.

Maybe. He might just pin your hand to the wall. I don't think he's like, hey, whale, can you beat yourself? Sorry, can you squeeze yourself into this very tight drain? Maybe not a whale, but let's say a swordfish. Swordfish. Hang on, how big do you think a swordfish is?

Yay big? Yay wide? Yeah. I will say the Jackson was closer than we suspected. To be honest, I am a bit shocked. Follow-up question, you know how big a drain is? Yeah, okay. No.

Is it that size? Wait, don't you- How high is a stormwater drain from where if somehow this large swordfish- I suppose it couldn't jump up out the stormwater drain. Your swordfish climb ladders? And then if it did get there then what then it would impale me it somehow managed

to jump vertically up and now it's shooting horizontal out it's gonna maybe flop out in the best case on it's best day

and then you're gonna run it over and you're like I'm gonna run over a fish and then it pops my thighs and Aquaman picks me up. How did it pop your thighs? With its swordfish.

But you ran it over. Yeah, well, I would have hit body with some of my car. So it aims up? No. The swordfish's sword has spikes all along it. Okay, so that kind of swordfish. What swordfish were you thinking of? It's like a different swordfish.

I think it's like a garfish. Eh. I don't think. Maybe I was the genius this time. No, because I think what you're imagining isn't actually called a swordfish. I think it's a swordfish. A swordfish is this. With the, like, spiked beak?

No. This is a swordfish. Like, a swordfish has more of a... It's just like, it's like a fucking point. I think... This. Oh, that guy. No, I don't mean that guy. Yeah, see, when you said swordfish, I thought you meant swordfish. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's our mistake.

That's on you, guys. When you say a swordfish, we think you mean swordfish. Yeah, nonsense. What fish do you mean? It's also called a swordfish. It's not called a swordfish, I just showed you a swordfish. Is it like a... like... Look, okay, I'll Google- Like a swordfish. It's not called a swordfish. I just showed you a swordfish. Is it like a- Like a saw shark?

Maybe a saw shark? I'm thinking of a saw shark. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, well, excuse me for getting the two bladed fish mixed up. He's thinking of a saw shark. That's a saw shark. Look at that. Like a saw.

That is not popping a car tire. Show me a stick. I reckon I could probably cop that and be fine. That's also not what I was thinking of. What are you thinking of? I don't know. I need my phone, but I don't have it with me. Where is it?

Even still. Okay, your fictional cross between a swordfish and a saw shark that has the ability with its spines to pop a car tire. Yeah. Jumps. Swims into a stormwater drain. Jumps up nine to ten feet vertically. Quite high.

Somehow flops out of the drain. And like so far that unless you're hugging the curb. Yeah. Are you hugging the curb? I'm all over the road. So you might miss it. Yeah. Well, that would be lucky.

And then I'd get away. So let's say your tire gets popped. Okay. Yeah. Aquaman, he allegedly strolls up to you. Maybe. I don't know what authority Aquaman will take me to. Atlantis? Why?

I don't know. Wouldn't he just take you to jail? Wouldn't he just be like, why did you... He might just take you to the coastal town police station, maybe? Yeah. All right. Let's say I'm committing a crime out at sea. Okay.

Like I'm dumping toxic waste or whatever. Okay. The same thing is going to happen, just so you know. But okay, yeah, please continue. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he's got one more of the sea available to him. I just want to double check.

You're dumping toxic waste. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Currently. Yeah, yeah. Why would he call on? Because it's the same fucking thing. Where you're going to be like, he'll call on fish, but he won't, because then that's putting his friends into poison.

When does he ever use the fish to fight crime, then? Well, when they're not putting toxic waste. Fine, I'm throwing delicious chum in the water, but somehow it's illegal. Or I'm dumping exotic animals that have died on my watch.

Okay, there we go. Okay. So Aquaman might just pop up. He's like, hey, what's going on? All these animals died on my watch, Aquaman. I didn't know how to look after a Bengal tiger. I'm sorry. Did you have a permit for these?

Let's say yes. Okay. I'm going to call my mate's shark, like some sharks over to eat these, I guess. Thanks for helping me, I guess. Yeah. What are you doing? Yeah, this seems illegal. It seems illegal, but I guess we've got to get rid of all these exotic animal bodies.

Yeah. Because they're not alive. They are definitely all dead. Oh, yeah. So I guess we've got to get rid of all these exotic animal bodies. Yeah. Because they're not alive. They are definitely all dead. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. So I guess I can feed some sharks. Why is he trying to benefit from this and not taking me to jail? Well.

He probably will after. Yeah. Okay. I'll get some sharks. I'll put. Okay. He's like, what? What else am I going to do?

What's he going to do? They are your. Leave them floating in sea where they get pecked up by birds. They're yours. I mean, I guess. I can do two things at once. I've already called the sharks. Also, like a lot of time when crimes and stuff like that,

especially by someone that's clearly deranged, the person dealing with it, whether they be superhero or not, isn't going to immediately be like, I'm going to bash you. Yeah, I'm not going to punch you in the back of the head. I was trying to get you on side going to punch you in the back of the head. I'll bash you, but it's great that he just landed and had a real casual conversation with me. I was trying to get you on side, and then we'll stab you in the back. Yeah, like, what's going on?

To be like, okay, so you're dumping out. You said you got a permit. Yeah, but that's probably a follow-up. Yeah. So do you have that permit? Not on me. It's a phone. Don't have an email receipt or anything for it?

No. And you have a permit. I left it at the dock. You have a permit for all of these different types of animals. Is it illegal to dump, say, a dead dog into the ocean? Well, this is like a dead Bengal tiger. Yeah, no, but I'm just working out, is the basic one a crime? Yeah.

And I'm working out, is this a crime? I think this is a crime. I think it's a crime to dump illegal animals in the sea. To dump animal remains. I'm getting on a list. I like that it's unclear enough that maybe Aquaman leaves me alone. That's good. No, I don't think he leaves you alone.

I think you've fallen for the same trap I just described to you. He'll be like, oh, okay. I'll be on side with you. And you're like, oh, okay. And then all of a sudden he'll be like, anyway, we're going back to the station. and you're like, oh, okay, and then all of a sudden he'll be like, anyway, we're going back to the station, and you're like, oh, no, but it's too late, because he's on your boat. Ocean dumping of certain

harmful wastes has been? Is sea burial legal in Australia? Well, then, let's say I'm dumping, I've got to find the perfect crime for it to be a crime for the two of you. Look, he's committing, committing maybe you're illegally dumping. I brought a guy out to see to shoot him in the head. How about that?

Okay. Well, same thing. He'd pop up. You got a permit for that? He'd pop up. Yes. Oh, carry on. Shoot that guy in the head then.

He would see you're about to shoot a guy in the head. Maybe this is where he would go like call on swordfish. As you're about to shoot him, the sword would, Fish's beak would impale your arm hand. Shooting you in the head. You would drop your gun into the ocean. Aquaman would be like, right, what the fuck's going on here now? Yeah, and I would be like, well, I was about to shoot that guy in the head.

All right. It's pretty clear, Aquaman. Wish you didn't do this to my wrist. Anyway, well, he maybe has handcuffed you. Does he have cuffs? No. He'd restrain you in some way. Tie you up with kelp. Or just hold you by the scarf at the neck and be like,

right, we're going to land and dealing with you. Would he just offload me to the cops? Yes! Is Aquaman a cop? No, but I just, I don't know. Okay, so when you pitch this, I'm assuming what you thought was going to happen is that you have like, Aquaman a cop? Are you? Well, no, but I just, I don't know. Is Aquaman a cop? Okay, so when you pitch this, I'm assuming what you thought was going to happen is that you were like, Aquaman's taking me to Atlantis jail and I can't breathe underwater, so I'm going to drown on the way there.

Aquaman's going to punch me with a shark. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you're a human man. These people have been like, oh yeah, it's a human man doing an illegal crime that I'm just stopped. Aquaman's probably one of the best ones to be caught by. Yeah, you can reason with Aquaman. Aquaman's a guy.

Yeah, that's true. Also, Aquaman doesn't wear a mask. Everyone knows his name. Arthur Curry. There he is. Yeah. I would be like, Arthur Curry's come for me. Yeah, he'd be like, can you-

All right, first off, I'm sorry, I've broken your arm because you've got to shoot a guy. Yeah. Yeah, now we're going to go and take you to... Yeah, attempted murder. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Now you're just going to regular jail. Well, what if I'm doing a crime in Atlantis?

How the fuck did you get here? All right. No, fair enough. You're in Atlantis, you're in a crime. Every single Atlantean is stronger than you. What crime are you doing? Aquaman comes up. You snuck a gun into Atlantis?

Is that what you've done? Yeah. Everyone belts in. I took a bubble in or whatever. I don't know. You get hit with like seven tridents. Aquaman is there. You're already under arrest by all the Atlantean guards.

Aquaman is not involved. Aquaman maybe comes like, what the fuck are you doing here? Yeah. Are you here as like a- I'm here to kill Aquaman maybe comes like, what the fuck are you doing here? Yeah. Are you here as like a I'm here to kill Aquaman. So this isn't a meeting or anything? No. You're not from the land

to come down and have a chat about something? No, Aquaman, you impaled my wrist with a sword. Oh, you're that guy? I've come to seek revenge on your home turf. Oh, okay. Atlanteans bash this man. Okay, so you have committed crime, attempted, I guess,

regicide? I am the king. I know. Have we disarmed him? What? Has he got no weapons? He's got no arms. Yeah, now his arms are off. I meant weapons. Alright, never mind.

Just put him back down to sea. He'll just get... Sharks will eat him because of all the blood leaking out of his sockets. So you're admitting to attempted homicide? Yeah. Okay, well, then I guess we'll put him in the Atlantis jail. Yeah.

Then do I get ferried to humans? No, no. You've committed crimes. Am I just a missing person? We may inform... I guess we might have like a diplomat. Might tell Green Lantern. Yeah.

Maybe the... Well, basically we will tell someone. Yeah. Can inform your family that you'll never be seen the live day again. See if there's like maybe an Australian diplomat that might want to work with us to try and get you back to their jail. But until that time comes, you are under arrest. It was scary when I thought I was going to be in

Atlantis forever. It's nice to know that I'm here. But I'll eventually be back in EarthJail. Maybe not. A diplomat could be like, nah, keep it. Do you have an Atlantis firing squad? Yeah, diplomatic relations with Atlantis Australia, because they could be like, can you free our guy?

He tried to commit register. He tried to kill our king. And we're like, oh, yeah. That's a tough one. What if he promises never to do it again? Hey, Jackson, do you promise never to do it again? The moment I'm out. He's a danger not to us.

I will shoot every king I can. He's a danger to myself. I'm the king killer, okay? He's a danger to myself, other kings. I'm Mr. Regicide. How many kings have you killed? None He's not going anywhere

So you might rot in an Atlantis jail But this isn't Aquaman's fault No, that's more Atlantis isn't it No, no, no Really missed Really missed You just did not pick up what I was putting down, huh? You saw it and then just jumped right over and walked into it.

I reckon it is Atlantis' fault. No, no, not at all. You just really skipped over that and hit your head in the door. No, that's you. It's all really your fault. Yeah. I was, Aquaman, and you're just a regular guy. Aquaman's fine.

Aquaman's fine. He's an evil, fine criminal. I honestly think one of the worst superheroes to get caught by would be Ghost Rider, a.k.a. the Spirit of Vengeance, simply for one very, very bad reason called the penance stand, which is something that he does in close quarters and if I see a man

with a flaming skull coming at me I'm freezing I'm not doing much if he locks eyes with me it apparently induces self mortification I don't know what that is just yet by imposing

every negative action, behavior, and sensation and sins to the pains of others that I've maybe committed. I've probably committed a decent amount if I'm a career criminal. Plus, if we were podcasters before that, heaps.

Every single person taking their headphones off in disgust. Its effects are similar to the soul searing effect of hellfire I'm just going to quickly google self mortification what is that? it sounds like it means you die yourself

subjugation of appetites or desires by self denial or self discipline as an aspect of religious devotion? What, sorry? I don't know what that means. I think it'd be bad as well with Ghost Rider to be hit with a chain. Or a flaming tire of a motorcycle. Those things would be really bad, I reckon.

Infliction of pain or discomfort on oneself. So it just hurts. Yeah, but on a spiritual level. It hurts your soul pain or discomfort on oneself. So it just hurts. Yeah. But like on a spiritual level. It hurts your soul. It hurts your soul. But then the chain hurts you physically. Every negative action, behavior, sensation, and sin that I have committed to others gets inflicted onto myself.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All at once. Yeah, that is grim. That is bad. And once again,'s man on fire He doesn't seem like someone I can reason with No I wouldn't even try talking to him

I would be being like Do criminals know that he's got the penance there? Like if you see him coming He better not look at me No I just think that it would be like Why is that man Why is that skull on fire and walking to war Is that guy dead on that motorcycle? I don't is that man, why is that skull on fire and walking the wall? Is that guy dead on that motorcycle?

I don't think I would think, why is that skull on fire? It's like, oh no. No thoughts, just fear. I would just be thinking, what? And then immense pain. Immense fear. Immense fear. What does he do after that?

Are you just like so fucked up that he goes home? Hits you with a chain again. Make sure you can't get up. Yeah. Yeah. I guess what happens? Like, does he like, like, like, okay. Aquaman will take me to jail.

Sure. There's Ghost Rider? I feel like he just leaves you on the side of the road. That's bad. Okay. Even if someone is innocent. Yeah. Penistere can still kill them because the Ghost Rider thinks they are guilty.

That's good. Okay. Ghost Rider Stare gives them back the Ghost Rider thinks they are guilty. That's good! Okay. Ghost Rider Stare gives them back the same pain that... Okay. What is it? Ghost Rider Stare gives them back the same pain that the Ghost Rider thinks they have afflicted on others. Oh, so it's all the Ghost Rider's choice. To let them experience it themselves

what they have scored. So I just thought it was like a thing to be like, oh, oh shit. Maybe part of it is like, I reckon you're a piece of shit. That's scary. Is there a way around it? I wonder, like, could you dress up a guy like a criminal and you dress like a civilian? So Ghostwriter gives some guy all the things he thinks you've done to people instead of the you know what i mean i yeah i think i i think maybe thanos is immune because he's a guilty help to you yeah at all

yeah yeah and maybe galactus yeah well yeah joel sam it's sadly not on the list it's not thanos galactus joel salmon immune to the penance yeah three three hosts of plot in the death star Well, yeah. Joel Samet's sadly not on the list. It's not Thanos, Galactus, Joel Samet. Immune to the penance. Yeah, three hosts of Plotman the Death Star. They already feel what they have done wrong at all times. Yeah. It's heavy on my soul. Do you think if you felt everything that you'd inflicted on other people back,

and then, because, like, Ghost Rider seems like he just goes. Yeah. Would you go back to committing crimes? No. I think it's hard, though. Yeah. I think I broke a guy's leg once. When was that? It was in a concert thing.

He was fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had a leg broken. Yeah, it was just like the crowd pushed him. He was fine. But if I'm standing there and all of a sudden I feel like I've broken my leg. Yeah.

But then he goes. There's all these other things in like, in like even just gentle pains. Like if you like accidentally shove somebody or like bump somebody, you're playing sports, you're tackling someone. And like, sure.

Like at that moment in time. Yeah, that's fine. But then all at once. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It's going to suck. Even if all you did was just tap somebody. I'm not denying it's going to suck. It's going to feel like the worst feeling you've ever had in your life. I think that what you think is going to happen is that the moment he stops looking at you, you just go back to normal. No, I don't mean like you're going to keep committing crime. That night.

Oh, that was fucked. Anyway, time to push over a granny or something. Well, it depends. It's going to go one of two ways. Either it's the worst pain you've ever felt and you get over it and you're like, well, now I'm a good guy. No, I mean like that's the worst that anyone can do. And'm and i'm fine yeah yeah yeah yeah so you can kill me i'm probably just have very very very bad dreams yeah all the other ways yeah like you get you're like well i never

want to experience that again i need to live a good life i guess also you die apparently also you can just kill three yeah that is pretty bad bad. But I guess as well, on some level, you're like, what if he does it again? I don't want to do anything more bad to people. I don't want it to get worse. The vibes being so bad you die is pretty hectic. You might just become a very pious individual. It's funny to imagine Ghost Rider gets so close to you

to do the penance stare and your hair catches fire. I don't know. At that point, probably the least of my worries. Would he go through with the penance there and your hair catches fire at that point probably the least of my worries would he go through with the penance there or would he patch you out first no he'd go through the penance there gross writer does not care he doesn't care about your hair he just doesn't care about you full stop by the sounds of it it sounds like he's killed innocent people with the penance if you if he just thinks you might be guilty oh no oh no. Oh, actually, yeah. And I have a gun and a big bag of money. He's got a pretty good reason to think that, yeah, I did do it.

And he just happened to be driving by and was like, oh, yeah, I'll get this gun. But also, if it's what he thinks you've done, like I would have been safe with the leg break story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it wasn't there. So you might be lucky. He might give you a pen and a stick. But you still go back to, yeah, maybe it's a little bit of both.

You've always got to go back to your own, or maybe it has to do with your own sense of guilt. Yeah, well, yes. Well, I don't feel bad about it. You're not going to get leg broke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's about the other things. And it's also about emotional pain.

I'm not even sure if it was broken, to be honest. It could have been a dislocated knee or something. Yeah, you're fine. Yeah. He fell over on stairs and I fell on top of him. What am I going to do? That's not you. Nobody's fault.

Yeah, for sure. Yeah, but if- The band's fault, if anything. Cancel all music. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah. So's not you. Nobody's fault. Yeah, for sure. It's the band's fault, if anything. Cancel all music. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah. So it will be bad. But is there anything else bad about Ghost Rider?

Don't get me wrong. The penance there is... Okay, so part three. Hit with the chain. Would hurt. Flaming bike wheel. Yeah. Scary to look at.

Also, his existence proves the existence of Satan and hell. You know, hell is real. Same kind of thing as seeing Spawn. You're like, oh, no. Yeah, that's true. Religion was right. Sins can cause me to experience eternal damnation. And I am currently a criminal.

You're a criminal and you see Ghost Rider. You're like, oh, I'm going to hell. Hell's real and I'm going. Yeah, so I don't know if that's going to be great for me. Yeah, that's pretty bad. Pretty bad. Yeah, I'm trying to think of other kind of like, you know, spirits of vengeance. And I might be like, he might not even be out after me because I robbed a bank.

It might be some other crime. Yeah, he might mistake you for a guy who robbed a bank. And kill you. Ghost Rider might be driving along in his motorbike and be like, is that the guy? I'm going to get out. I'm going to pen and stare him and we'll just see. I look a little bit generic.

And when you look generic, you look like a lot of people. And if you're like, Ghost Rider, I didn't rob the bank. He will not believe you. No. He'll pen and stare you. He'll be like, look, look, pen and stare me. You'll see it's true. I won't feel any badness.

Oh, my God. That's so much pain. So you felt pain, but you don't know. I'm the ghost rider. And then he gets out. Yeah. So, yeah, that one's. Yeah, I'm trying to see if he's got any other guys.

Like, what? Hellfire manipulation. Hellfire infusion. You don't know it's hellfire. Well, he just seems like a guy with a skull on fire. Can he control the flame on his head? Like, can he shoot it like a flamethrower? That would be sick.

Or breathe fire like scorpions or something? Well, he's able to rain down a firestorm of hellfire directly towards surrounding enemies, resulting in devastating destruction. It would be the craziest thing that ever happened to you if he got you for doing crimes. There's a lot more worse things. What is sin manipulation?

Oh, no. He's made you... Leave my sins alone, guy. He can manipulate the immortal act. What? He can manipulate the immoral act known as sin. He can purify any soul. Okay.

Is that a righteous or a degenerate? Hey, dude, I'm really sorry for that crime I did last month. Can you just forgive me? However, this effect may cause victims to be emotionless. Hey dude, can you remove my emotions but make sure I go to heaven? Yeah. That seems worth it to me. I'll smile when I meet Jesus Christ and all will be right.

He can read hearts and souls of his victims. Of his victims? No one should say, hey, I'm a superhero and I've got victims. Of his victims? No one should say, hey, I'm a superhero and I've got victims. Imagine describing anyone's Superman stuff to his victim. Yeah, his victims are robbing a bank. He can sin eat.

So he can... Suck him out, eat him out. Eating sins is fine. Suck off my sins. Just suck off my sins, buddy. You've got soul manipulation. This is all good stuff. But it's also intangible. I can't my sins, bro. You've got soul manipulation? Yeah. This is all good stuff. But it's also intangible. I can't be scared of it.

I don't know what it means. What do you mean you can't be scared of it? I can't fathom. I don't know that he does. I don't know that it's called soul manipulation. But even if he's like, I'm going to manipulate your soul. I'm like, no, he's just going to rip out my soul. And I'm going to be like, that felt weird.

What did you do? Bad vibes. It's just all bad vibes. That's all it seems like it is. It is bad. And all of these things happening to you would be the worst. what did you do bad vibes it's just all bad vibes that's all it seems like it is it is it is bad and all of these things happening to you

would be the worst but I'm kind of with Jackson where this is almost like above what my human brain can comprehend so I can't feel it just because it

like it hurts yeah it feels like it's a bit of overkill in the same way that getting sudden on birth set of diarrhea

feels bad you don't really understand what just happened but you need to shit real bad and then. You don't really understand what just happened, but you need to shit real bad, and then once you shit, it goes away. I just robbed a bank and pushed over a nan, and now I'm worried about my soul. Yeah.

And I think I saw a man on fire. Yeah. But he does a whole bunch of crazy... It's painful. It's strange. He goes, you're like, that was the craziest night of my life. And then I... You then i bank in three

weeks when you forget yeah you feel better and i become well you're scared straight either one yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that'll do it are you like me a big old fantasy nerd who maybe dabbled in magic the gathering in high school but then had to stop playing it because it ruined the friendship when one of you played the slivers deck and your good friend steve who you no longer talk to had a bad time or maybe you saw lord of the rings and thought to yourself i can't wait to get more fantasy films and shows they can only keep getting better and then we got two horrible seasons of the shanara chronicles and warcraft the film or you picked up the dungeons and dragons player handbook flick it, and were filled with hope and excitement that your friendship group could come together on a regular basis to play a game of imaginations. But oh no, you and all your friends are scum, and you could barely organise a piss-up in a brewery.

But don't worry, you can live vicariously through us, where we play Dungeons and Dragons, on a podcast called D&D is for Nerds. Form parasocial relationships, not just with us, but the characters we play. Become overly attached to a fictional wizard who is bad at magic, or a fictional rogue who is bad at magic, or a fictional warrior who, coincidentally, is also bad at magic. Basically, we don't understand how magic works, and that is filtered through literally every character we play. Each campaign is standalone but long time listeners will

find themselves following a greater story set over centuries. Just search for D&D is for Nerds on iTunes, Spotify, or wherever you listen to your podcasts. It's never been a better time to be a big old fantasy nerd. So, the one I've picked.

Yeah. No frills. Okay. No spills. No Sunday kills. Okay. Basically, I've gone with Frank Darbo, aka Super, the superhero from Super, because unlike a ghost writer, he just hits you with a fucking wrench. Also, he's deranged, because he got his powers

from watching TV when he was sad and thinks God chose him. He didn't. He was watching TV. You might not even be a criminal. Oh, no. Getting hit by a wrench would be bad. He says, shut up, crime, and then hits you with a wrench. In the head?

He's got a lot of confidence. What's worse to be hit by a wrench or a chain? That should have been today's episode. A wrench. A wrench is worse I reckon because a chain has like a whipping motion where a wrench could cave in your skull. A chain might rend flesh

from your body. Imagine this right? So you get whipped by a chain. Hits you in the back of the head. You're like, oh! Then it wraps around and hits you again. You're like, oh! That's twice. Wraps across your eyeballs? That's terrible. And it's also a hot chain.

Yeah, a lot of scalding. Wrench, though. Sorry, he's not Super. Super's the name of the movie. His name is the Crimson Bolt. Sure. Starts by hitting people with a wrench, like drug dealers and like sexual predators or whatever. But then he also gets angry at a guy in a movie line who cut in and hits him with the wrench.

Okay. So it's a sliding scale of crime. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a violent psychopath. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And he thinks he's doing the right thing. Hits you with a wrench. We do keep circling back

to the wrench. Basically, most superheroes have some kind of moral compass where they're not going to hit you with a wrench. Crimson Bolt only wants to hit you with a wrench. He doesn't care what you've done. Wrench is coming your way. It is interesting to think about. And the reason that he hits you with the wrench when you come to and you with a wrench yeah he doesn't care what you've done wrench is coming your way it is

interesting to think and the reason that he hits you with the wrench when you come to and you're missing half your head yeah and he's like oh i just missed my wife who hates me because i suck yeah does he say that to you no you're bleeding you're like i just got hit by a wrench i don't know why but it's interesting to think about with all superheroes, like the collateral damage of being caught. Yeah. Right? Like with Ghost Rider, you're getting chained and you're getting penance stared.

But even with someone like Superman, if he picks you up in the sky, you're gonna get bruised. You're gonna get a bit hurt with kind of all of them. If the flash catches you, you're gonna get... Your sudden stop, you know what I flash catches you like you're gonna get your sudden stop you know yeah yeah you're gonna get like inertia and stuff yeah yeah i guess green lantern may be the only one where it might be a bit safe yeah like i don't like if he's good with it like

he makes a big soft hand that just grabs you yeah it was gentle like yeah there's no there's no like impact like this every softly caresses me as he arrests me yeah a lot of them don't really have the power to arrest me no not at all not at all none of them are fucking cops does every superhero that gets you is green lantern the only one where you're not going to get a cut or a scrape or a bruise or like even something you can't see like fucked around muscles and bones yeah like if super stops, if I go to shoot someone and he just grabs my arm and flings the bullet away. It depends how-

I'm going to have to see a chiropractor later for my shoulder, right? No, go with a physio. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We endorse a lot of bad things. Chiropractors are probably not a good- Unless you want to flirt with danger and do permanent damage to your body. I'll go see a physio. I'll go see a physio. I'll go see a physio.

I don't want to see a chiropractor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's kind of, because Superman can control his strength in a weird way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But does he control it so that, because you're right, he has absolute control over it. But does Superman control it so that I feel nothing? Or does he control it so that I get bruised? Sometimes Superman might be like, I've got to stop

those criminals who have just robbed a bank by just standing in front of their car. And then he's made a car crash. And then they go through a window and he's like, oh no. Like Spider-Man, same thing. I didn't kill them, the car accident did. Is he saying that at the press conference?

Spider-Man, he thwips someone out of a moving vehicle that's a lot of like just I didn't kill them the web did yeah I can imagine him saying this in front of an American I don't know why yeah the Punisher you've just committed a crime the Punisher

like shoots you a couple times in the neck makes you eat a whole crab or something. He's like, I didn't kill him. I did kill him, and I'd kill again. That's my whole thing. I did kill him with a crab. Yeah, I don't know. It's just interesting to think that no matter what...

Like the X-Men, any kind of them, they don't give a shit. They're like, whatever. It's just... Sometimes people are going to die. No of them. They don't give a shit. They're like, whatever. It's just a human. Sometimes people are going to die. No, but there's a human doing human shit. We're going to stay out of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Oh, he's got some powers. Now we're getting involved. Yeah. And even then, that's still kind of fucked up. Because if, say, you know, everyone's favorite arse-eater, Toad. Yeah. And he's just like, he's going out robbing a bank. Yeah.

And then he's like, you know, running around. And then they're like, ah, we're going to stop him. It him. It's Toad which punch from the face. Toad is still he doesn't super human strength or was it the face? of a man Just side clocks it with the face. Yeah, Superman Spider-man pulls his punches too. But if you if spider-man was confused and thought you had powers, you didn't have powers. He just punched your jaw clean off. Oh my God. Spider-Man trying to shakily put your jaw back on.

I don't think you can fit, Spider-Man. You throw it on me, you morse. It's going on in this you cooking up. I need a ochre. You do seem fine. Are you sure you don't have a problem? It's shock, Spider-Man. I'm in shock.

Adrenaline doesn't let you do anything, Spider-Man. I'm going to try and put my jaw back on and call an ambulance. Can you hook me up and put me to ER? Yeah. And you're just kind of like a baby trying to get picked up. I would put my arms out and be like, Spider-Man, grab me. Take me to Eeyore. Please, I need to go.

It's funny because I'm imagining him punching me in the mouth so his fist goes through my... Like just destroys all teeth and breaks a lot of my jaw. Spider-Man backing up like... Flips away. Basically, power comes run. Basically pulls a hit.

Kill JD. In many ways, a hit can be many things. And a punch is a hit. Yeah. But even if he doesn't pull his punch, like, okay,

I know you can't pull your punch to punch somebody in such a way that they stop what they're doing, it will always hurt. I don't know why you have latched onto the idea of them, like Superman and Spider-Man, because you really want us to be like, and I don't know why, you really want us to be like,

yeah, no, Superman pulls his punch to the point where he has figured out the perfect way to hit it. Well, that's what I'm saying. That's why I'm like, no matter what, you're going to knock them away. There's no way. I wish we lived in a world where Superman could punch me. And you feel nothing.

He's got such control over it that I kept flying. But I'm like, wow, I feel great. I think you just cured my vision. How did you do that? Then you slam into the side of a building. It's gone again. Man, Superman's got healing punches. Perfect moment.

I just felt awesome. But I think with Superman, though, if he's fighting a regular man, I don't think he's punching. He's just, like, putting his hand out and, like, stopping you. Like, just being like, it's okay. Yeah, that's true. That's true. And I guess if I.

And then if you punch him, you'll break your hand. Yeah, or if you're, like, trying to twist out of the way and I, like I damage my spine. Then you go see a physio. Then I go see a physio and that's kind of on me. Yeah, it's weird. He's on him because if you are struggling against a regular person of regular strength, you're not going to pull out your shoulder.

No. But Superman's like, oh shit, yeah, I didn't move. I'm so sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Arms out of your socket now. He should be a bit more aware. Yeah. He should be a bit more aware yeah he should be yeah i think a lot of the superheroes will cause just a regular person any like a regular amount of pain yeah i think people give a lot of shit to batman for

like beating people up and like you know oh he doesn't kill them but he breaks their legs but like so does every superhero they want superhero that doesn't break the legs of their enemies i mean you look at likedevil, he's got the baton on the string like that, like a billy club to your face, that hurts. Even the Ninja Turtles. One of them's got a fucking sword. I think Ninja Turtles are okay with killing, funnily

enough. Well, they are, obviously, in the original comic, but I mean, like, even the They use swords, Jackson. Yep, you never see in the 90s Ninja Turtle cartoon, them kill a man with a sword. That's true, but you do see it in the original comics. They'd stab a Foot Clan guy for sure. No.

Not in the cartoon. It's kind of like the Robocop cartoon. You'd never see him taking down anybody. Robocop shoots. He barely has a gun. In fact, I don't think he does have a gun in the cartoon. Most incarnations of the Ninja Turtles don't stab anyone. They just have swords.

Most cartoons, even though the protagonist could definitely kill their villains, don't because it's a cartoon for children. Like Biker Mice from Mars. Almost same power set as Ghost Rider without all the hellfire. Just a man with a chain. That was also a mouse. Yosemite Sam, two a man with a chain. That was also a mouse. Yosemite Sam, two guns. Never shoots anyone.

Yes, he does. He shoots the air. He shoots the monster's teeth out. And he also shoots Daffy's bill around. Daffy gets shot heaps. Bullets in the Looney Tunes don't seem to do as much damage. You know crying from the Ninja Turtles? Yeah.

If you just like smack the back of that guy, would he slop out onto the ground? Yes. You could put him out like a cigarette. Yeah. That's fucking awesome. Yeah. But yes, there is every superhero that they try to stop you, if they're doing it in like kind of any kind of physical way.

Yeah. Yeah, there will be a form of damage no matter what. It's unavoidable. And even Green Lantern. But he's got to be very careful with his calculations. Even if he makes a soft glove that stops you and then moves with you with your momentum, that's the only way he could...

Like when Superman catches somebody that's falling out of a building. Yeah. Why don't they just splat on him? Well, because of the way he catches them. Because he doesn't like a parabola. Oh, he kind of like does a swoop and like kind of falls with them. He doesn't do what Spider-Man does to Gwen Stacy. Yeah.

Because otherwise you get Gwen Stacy'd. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He kind of grabs, goes sort of down and... And up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fair. I was sort of picturing him just like grabbing them them in his arms but if he did that he would have

shoulder blades and hips the rest of you would be on the ground what catches plane you're right actually every time superman catches a plane you should just go through the plane right Yeah Maybe Yeah Anyway I guess what we've learned Surely he's a little bit Like Telekinetic No No that's just not the case Maybe planes are strong?

Yeah alright Unless he As he picks it He kind of moves it a bit And somehow absorbs The impact And then has to go down He would absorb the impact

Into the ground Kind of like lightning Oh yeah, okay But that would still crumple the Oh yeah, it would crumple the plane a bit, but it wouldn't like I reckon you could do it in a way where you're crumpling the plane but no one's getting hurt It's just a small amount of pressure

Yeah A lot of force to go from him He is basically a magic man He does fly Which is something that we have yet to see in our world. So why are we applying real world physics

to that? Well, we're going to kill 44 minutes. Don't worry about it. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. Whether it be punched, kicked, or hit with a wrench, being caught by a superhero sucks shit. Unless it's Aquaman

who seems pretty nice. Yeah, he just wants to talk you down I guess. Don't commit treason. He hit me with a sword. Yeah, you robbed the bank. You were about to shoot a man in the back of the head. Oh yeah, no, that's right. You were going to shoot a guy in the head. Yeah. I'm not good. Alright, well

yeah, that's it. That's that, eh? That's all, folks. Yeah. will you be helping support the show, but you'll get two bonus episodes a month. We've teamed up with ACAST Plus to give you the plumbing sampler, a sneaky extra Plumbing the Death Star episode, and What If, where we look at the important questions asked by our good friend Marvel Comics

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