Plumbing the Death Star - Who Actually is the Worst Wolverine?

Episode Date: November 17, 2024

In the movie Deadpool and Wolverine they say that their Wolverine is the worst Wolverine because he got drunk once at the wrong time. The Plumbing Boys find that unsatisfactory. Surely there’s a worse Wolverine than that, gotta be. Zammit imagines a Wolvie who kept his chauffer license and loves his job, Jackson creates the greatest Plumbing riff of all time, and Duscher performs many incredible one man plays to the delight and frustration of his two friends. Art is so important guys, even if it’s just a play about what if Wolverine and Liberace interacted. Peppercorn Cerebro.Links to everything in our linktr.ee including our terrible merch, social media garbage and where to become a subscriber to Bad Brain Boys+ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is an ad by BetterHelp. What comes to mind when you hear the word gratitude? Maybe it's a daily practice, or maybe it feels hard to be grateful right now. Don't forget to give yourself some thanks by investing in your wellbeing. BetterHelp is the largest online therapy provider in the world,

connecting you to qualified professionals via phone, video, or message chat. Let the gratitude flow. Visit betterhelp.com today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com. You're listening to the Sands Pants Network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Deaf Star. I'm Joe. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joe.

Plumbing the Death Star is a comedy pop culture podcast that asks the important questions, like, who actually is the worst Wolverine? Hey, you see Deadpool and Wolverine? Because statistically, if you're watching or listening to this, yes is the answer. Everyone saw it, everyone loved it, beloved. And in that movie, the Wolverine, Hugh Jackman's Wolverine, they say many times, this guy, this Wolverine is the worst Wolverine.

And he's famous for it. He's so known. T.B.A. know. Other guys. This Wolverine is the worst Wolverine and he's famous for it Not only is he famous in the TVA for being the world's worst Wolverine Yeah, they can clock that it's the worst Wolverine just by looking at it. Yeah, that's variance Usually look the same but they see him and they go there's that motherfucker I guess before we get to who we think the worst Wolverine actually would be Mm-hmm the Wolverine we are presented in Deadpool Wolverine the worst Wolverine in the whole of multiverse So every single comic version every single movie version all of the Wolverines The worst one is one that went to the pub at the wrong time

Yeah, got a little bit too Drunk and then went on a little bit of a mood spree. But as a consequence of the X-Men being killed. And I think the movie, and because people are going to be going into www.fuckjaldusia.com and anonymously submitting corrections and be like, actually he was the Wolverine that rejected the X-Men. Okay, he's the worst Wolverine because he didn't join the X-Men, but he was friends with them, but was like, I don't need this shit, Bob.

I'm going to a pub. I'm going drink home mode. So I have a question though. The humans are like, with their guns and now all the X-Men are dead. Yeah. That's on Charles, not on Wolverine. It's on the humans with the guns. Yeah, but like, hey, before the question, if it's like I rejected the X and never joined

the X-Men or whatever, then where do you get the suit from? Well, no, because that's a big thing. Because then he's like, I got the suit. I mean, granted the suit was maybe from Alpha Flight? No, no, no, no, no. But isn't there a scene where he's like, Cyclops always wanted me to wear this, but I never did. So he's basically part of the X-Men.

So he wasn't part of the X-Men, he was just like a friend of the X-Men like a guy who just hung out So if the X-Men put out an album, it'd be like and thank you Logan Yeah, I think the implication is like so just pretend X-Man the movie happens like I don't remember the movie X-Men X-Men yeah, that's better. Do you remember the movie X-Men? I do X-Men. X-Men? That's better. Do you remember the movie X-Men? I do.

Yeah, I didn't think so. I do. So Logan's found in the snow or whatever at the boxing rink? In wrestling hall? Maybe none of us remember the X-Men. Well, he's out just living his life. Yeah. And then he fights.

In Canada. He's fighting. He's fighting in a cage, dude. Yeah, he's fighting in a cage. Rage in a cage cage hell in a cell saves rogue Cyclops in tight location Well, they care so they see saving rogue or you like rogue is there? I'm pretty sure now I got to scrape the X-Men

I haven't seen fright maybe a decade maybe more and then Yeah, cuz they're like, oh we got a protect a mutant because magnetic is gonna hunt down a mutant Yeah, I think it's Wolverine, but oh no. It's actually rogue. Yeah, and we got us We got a man like we got to stop a magnet from getting Wolverine, and they're like oh Yes, oh fuck I know she's strapped to the statue of Liberty and that man turns to goo and they Right. Oh, I know she's strapped to the statue of Liberty and that man turns to goo and they push through the great So I think you would basically have to assume that most of that movie happens But at the end when they're like, welcome to the X team, he's like fuck off

But then he still occasionally does team. Yeah Hang around the X mansion play pool and hit on gene kind of like and play pool and hit on Gene. Kind of like a... Like a hanger on, yeah. Yeah. Like an entourage. He's Turtle. Yeah, he's Turtle. No, Turtle's in the...

Johnny Drummer. They're all in the inner circle. It would be like Mark Wahlberg. Okay. Because he's around. Yeah, but he's not part of the entourage. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or Ari?

More like Ari. Ari's not one of the boys. He's not one of the baby boys. No, it's more like, what's... Dude, you gotta check in with him. Yeah, yeah. Or Ari? More like Ari. Ari's not one of the boys. He's not one of the baby boys. No, it's more like, what's Ari? Dude, you gotta check in with him. You gotta watch the Entourage movie. Gotta watch Entourage. Do you know the part of the Entourage movie?

I don't know, dude. Dude, here, let me tell you. Vinnie Chase. Yeah. So at the end of the series, he got married. I'm so tired. But the start of the movie, Jackson. Yeah, I'm out listening.

He's on a boat Yeah, I'm listening He's on a boat to I can't remember if he's waiting or he's honeymoon and on the boat He's like actually the chase car get married so he gets divorced immediately. Okay, and then he's like I'm funding my own movie It's called it's a dr. Jekyll of mr. Hyde movie. Okay But what if Jekyll was a DJ? Okay. And it's also a superhero-ish movie. Tight, tight. And it's called Jekyll. Yeah.

And the whole plot of the entourage movie is, everyone's like, this movie sounds like it's gonna suck ass. Yeah, but. And Vinnie Chase is like. It's gonna be good. He keeps delaying screening it for friends and family. Ari Gold puts his neck on the line and he's pissed off. Yeah.

Anyway, they screen the movie and it wins every Academy Award and Johnny Drama wins an Oscar. Oh wow. That's well-earned. Well-earned. I was thinking, is he more like, is it Floyd or Lloyd? Lloyd. Lloyd.

So maybe he's more like Lloyd. Lloyd gets married in it, though. Oh, that's nice. And he's like, Ari, you gotta speak at my wedding. And he's like, I'm just homophobic towards you. And Lloyd's like, yeah, but it comes from a place of... Nah, just meaning in terms of the vibe, because you know, he's like, Ari, you gotta speak at my wedding. And he's like, I'm just homophobic towards you. And Lloyd's like, yeah, but I come from a place of my own. Nah, just mean in terms of the vibe, because you know. Ari's assistant?

Yeah, so he's around, but he's not like part of the inner circle. Yeah, he's not a baby boy. It's absurd that authorized is required viewing for plumbing the net star. No, cause we explain it every time. It comes on saw. We explain it every time. You do explain it every time.

I have seen exactly zero episodes of that television show, but I've seen the movie. I have not seen the movie, but I've seen more than a handful of episodes, I think. I don't know if I watched the last couple of seasons. You'd love the movie, dude, trust me. It's like one of those movies where you're watching, you're like, is this a fake movie?

Yeah, it does often feel like a fake TV show. The movie ends, there's a post-credit scene of the Entourage movie, and that post-credit scene sets up the fact that in the movie, like in the universe of Entourage, they're gonna make Entourage. They're like, why? Why does so many love?

Why would our life be truly like a movie for real? Anyway, so the worst Wolverine, the Wolverine that just either you maybe was a Related to the X-Men somehow then was like I'm gonna go get a couple of bruskies Yeah, then go a little bit too drunk. I wasn't there when all the X-Men somehow got overpowered by a lot of human guns or something and then I think it's also Rage killed a bunch of those humans then was like well Well, I'll be here they as well cast our seven. Yeah, and that's the worst Wolverine And then everyone knows he's done that but he's still welcome to drink at a ball

Yeah, well, I mean, can you stop him? I know I can well they say we don't serve his kind But I don't know if they mean mutants or guys who killed a serial killer Well, that was another thing apparently like he's from a universe where humans really hate mutants, but they hate mutants in every universe Yeah, but I've seen people make a real big point of like he's from a universe where humans really hate mutants, but they hate mutants in every universe Yeah, but I've seen people make a real big point of like he's from the universe where mmm fuck the mutants But that's probably from a universe. Maybe we're like say Jean Grey and Cyclops don't have like really good Don't have really good you control over their powers. They have really good You know defenses against people like Your little machine or your medium machine

See if you can find out cuz I reckon that people have tried to make kiss Deadpool Wolverine everyone loves Yeah, they've tried to make It make a bit more sense than what the movie gives you even though the movie is basically scary movie a bit more sense than what the movie gives you even though the movie is basically scary movie and nothing matters Yeah, yeah, yeah, so it's so it's James Logan Howlett. So he knows his name. I'm guessing born in 1832. Okay, okay Also, he's a Canadian class 3 mutant Granite, he's got a number of animalistic Attributes, yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure. Heightened senses. He's just normal Wolverine. Yeah, but what his name was like. Okay, so let's see here.

He's ageless, immortal. Wolverine isn't interested in being part of the X-Men, instead chose to drink alcohol in bars. So one night while he was out getting drunk, the humans, don't know why that's a quotation mark. Yeah, that's what I mean. The humans attacked the X-Mansion and killed the mutants including the X men

So it was a whole mansion of mutants not just the X pin but I guess Like yeah like X like an X to where it's like a bunch of you So I'm guessing like it's an X to when they raid the the compound and just get everybody oh yeah that makes sense So then consumed by rage and grief Logan went on a killing spree turning everyone against the X-Men and earning him the epitaph what X-Men? Well he's turning against them ideologically I suppose. Logan went on a killing spree turning everyone against him. That gets the memory off yeah yeah actually fuck the X-Men oh they're dead good yeah I guess it was more of a well there was like a bunch of mutants that didn't like the X-Men sorry there's a bunch of humans that didn't like the X-Men. Oh, they're dead? Good. Yeah, I guess it was more of a... Well, there was like a bunch of mutants that didn't like the X-Men.

Sorry, there's a bunch of humans that didn't like the X-Men. And there were probably a bunch of humans that either were indifferent, and a bunch of humans that were like, no, no, no, we should fight for helpful fight for mutant rights. Is Logan at the start of X2? Or does Colossus save the day? Colossus is there. Or do they team up and they're the ones that...

Colossus is there to usher in a bunch of the mutant sound? Into the sewers, maybe or wherever. Yeah, but they're Wolverine is there from the start He's there watching TV with the kid that blinks. Yeah, love that cute. Yeah best powers best powers They're talking to ice man. You know, it's man's like I'm freeze my beer or whatever. Yeah Okay, yeah, so he's the round. So I guess yeah that point. He's like fuck this So this is more of a noise. I'm going to the party and one happened I'm not meant to come in exping one ended a bit differently. Yeah, like I don't want to join the exping go away I want to go to the pop yeah Mmm, and then yeah, so then he basically kills everybody

Here some humans like humans some that were innocent Yeah, I think where you scroll to is now where we're gonna actually get a bit more information maybe, but you might need to... Yeah, so again, Wolverine was part of the X-Men until his fondness for drinking started to harm his work. So basically he's an alcoholic. He's like, you know, like the worst Wolverine in the world is alcohol. One that starts to love beers, well, he drinks spirits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He probably loves a beer. So a group of humans invaded the X-Men,

shunned a large part of the mutants, including the X-Men. Hurt for not having been there to help them, he entered into a spiral of violence where he murdered the invaders and innocent people. And since then, Wolverine was frowned upon for his actions, and that tarnished the legacy of the X-Men. Deadpool and Wolverine truly is the best movie. It really is. It's so, so, so good. What would be a really bad Wolverine? He's like, he drinks beers.

What if he was just drinking beers? He loves beer heaps. It's astonishing X-Men. This is when Jean Grey was dead and Cyclops and Emma Frost were together, they were running the school and whatnot. And there's like a wonderful panel drawn by John Cassidy, the artist, and it kind of goes to when they're fighting, like I think it's Central or whatever, and each person is thinking as they're doing all this. And when he hovers over Wolverine, he's stored bubbles. He's gonna be like beer. So like Homer style. Yeah No, that's how I like to make love to my wife It's like my main move They do it a lot

Because you see them under the covers I'm trying to figure out what position they usually go for I think just classic missionary missionary Yeah, they're doing a god style doing a god style trying to create I don't think Homer's creative enough to come up with another way of making love to Marge I think they do it on their side. Well, yeah fair enough. That would make sense. It's practical. Yeah Yeah, I could imagine Marge riding Oh, that's the way that I would imagine them like Marge on top Yeah, I don't think that's traditionally how they do it. No, because when Homer gets real big Yeah, when he's wearing that moomoo

Yeah, and then when he gets in the bed and he like, you know gets like that and she goes on top of him He's like, whoo-hoo-hoo, it's almost like a novel like it's a treat like it's a this hasn't doesn't happen often. And they often well Yeah, yeah It's a novel like it's a treat like it's a this hasn't doesn't happen often and they often well yeah Yeah, yeah, I don't know. It's interesting to think about so I guess if I say I make love to my my wife Homer style I mean missionary yeah, God style. Yeah Anyway, yes, so that's I guess the worst Wolverine was worse we could imagine What was you can imagine so I think look let's I can do a bit better of a worse Wolverine And you're not allowed to just pick the Wolverine from Logan who is probably worse than the Wolverine in this one just on paper. He's also, you see him kill innocent people straight away.

Okay, okay. You can pick, you can change what he does. Great. You can't just say Logan Wolverine. Okay, cool. Alright, so I can, okay, great. I had a plan, which was basically the Logan we see from Logan. Yeah If he had remained a chauffeur, so he refuses a call to action. Yeah, okay

He's like I love driving this limo. I get to see some Tito's. That's great Does he love driving the limo? He loves driving the limo. They're like a sad wolf. Is it awesome to drive a limo though? Is it sad to love your job? It depends on the job. Not at all. drive a limousine sad to love your job. It depends on a job driving a limousine I don't know. I mean the guy from diehard he loves driving Alfred Clinton Plain see anyway well as I say Jamie Jamie Fox from From collateral collateral. Yeah, he loves driving his taxi. He aspire to drive a limo

Yeah, that's true. I think he wants to be what Wolverine already has. Yeah, therefore, I think it's pretty good driving a limo It's like you're rich, but you're not Richard. I can't remember if it's E or turtle, but they're happy to be the driver Yeah, it's kind of like being a fuck Part of it, you know, yeah, you're part of the scene You're part of the whole you ploy you get the driver and look in the backseat and see the rich and the wealthy the important people You can boy can do is you get the webcam where you install it like some web is secretive Terrible people that are taking your tax because you only Yeah, do you want to jack off? You can jack off out of mine. Out of mine. Out of any anal lately?

Speaking to this microphone. Can you speak into the flowers in the limousine? Can you do one? Yeah, please. About any anal you've had? Mm. Yeah. Say exactly.

You're only catered to the worst of the worst. Have you ever fucked a dog? A dog? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha dog at all? D'ooove as the divider goes up. That was my retirement plan. One of these celebrities is fucking a dog. One I'm sure I can blackmail for to get some sweet Benjamin's. So I'm going to put forward the worst Wolverine. Is yes, a Wolverine, an older Wolverine.

A Wolverine where the X-Men have basically lost okay a world where They don't really go out and help anymore the world where humanity basically stamp out like Newton's by by adding like anti-mutant Juice to the water supply And one that was like well Xavier's in that thing. He's doing whatever you know what I'm gonna take this limo of mine I'm gonna keep driving west or east wherever Xavier ain't so have you just picked? The Wolverine from Deadpool and Wolverine, but removed Deadpool. He does not drinking. He's not drinking He's just driving his limo. He's not responsible

Well not even through inaction of the end up being there that was a juice in the water. Is that making, then is that just not worth, is that not a better version of the Wolverine from Deadpool and Wolverine? Because he's no longer responsible for deaths. He is. Well he's refusing the call of action to help out X-23. Yeah, but he does help out. Yeah, that's true, that's true, that's true. That's true. That's Remain a chauffeur, okay, we'll have it to the point where it's like hey Wolverine You got to come and help get these kids across the border to Canada or whatever and he's like no the limo calls There are rich people that need to be driven

I guess the Wolverine that goes back to becoming a limo driver. I like this Wolverine because it seems like he really prefers driving the limo to any super heroics. Yeah, he's like, don't even tell me about it. I don't know, it's like the first time he got in the limousine he was like, wait a second. I'm home. This is where I'm meant to be my home. Time to go pick up Johnny Carson. This is clicking.

Johnny Carson, when does this take place? What's that wrinkle in the story? It's gonna go pick up Johnny Carson, then he's picking up... Liberace? What?! Liberace?! Yeah, get Liberace in the limo. I would love to hear a conversation between James Howlett and Liberace. What would they have to say to each other?

They'd become fast friends. Liberace would be like, oh, big day driving, and... What would they have to say? They'd become fast friends They would absolutely become Liberace would be like, big day driving We'd be like, yeah mom But I love it Do you mind if I smoke in here Liberace? No, no, no, by all means Smoke away

That's just a vibe of like just terrible theatre. Like you've gone to see your friend's two man show. Wolverine and Liberace. Mine and mine and smoke. Smoke away! Thanks Liberace. Thanks Liberace bub.

And you're sitting in the crowd like, fuck how much long has this gone? That concludes Act 1. There'll be a short intermission. That was like five minutes. Sitting in the crowd like fuck how much long is this? Short intermission This is a short play yes 15 minutes Yeah content for Wolverine meets Liberace, but there really wasn't It seems like the greatest one like no Liber Liberace but aren't really familiar with his words They're like maybe I've seen a picture of him and that's maybe the extent of it Was he pretty? You got behind the candelabra recently, bub?

You know it Wolverine! Got any bone claws recently? Yes, bub Wanna see him? Shink shink. Did he say shink shink? Is it Wolverine schnick? For Christ's sake. There was more research

done in fucking mall rats by Jason Muse of all people. I'm gonna go to the toilet and hang out there for like 10 minutes. I'm gonna be like, well done. That was an incredible performance. At the end of this I'm gonna have to save. It felt like Logan was on stage or whatever. Fuuuuck.

There's like seven people in the crowd man. This sucks. He's gonna seek me out. So Liberace where am I taking you Bob? Taking me to the theatre I think. Oh that's interesting Bob cause I've been waiting. Waiting for what? Goddard. What is he doing here? Oh, that's interesting Bob cuz I've been waiting Got her What is he doing? Yeah? Why they reference what?

Has he ever only seen one wait is this baby outside or on? God oh I too am waiting for Godot. I hope he comes! No, no I am for Godot. Not today, Bob. Not today. Maybe tomorrow. Thank you, that was act two. Stick around for act three. What?! I don't wanna do it. It's gotta be two of eight.

Oh, it's a simple eight act play, you say? Have they mistaken an act for a scene? That's also not right. It's all been the one scene. What? Oh, it's a simple 8 act play you say. Have they mistaken an act for a scene? That's also not right. You're solving the one scene. This is truly the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. Wolverine and Liberace opens the middling response. A two man show.

And then at the end you get a compliment and be like... Wow. What do you think? Guys! That was pretty damn good, right? I just couldn't believe that no one's ever thought about putting Wolverine with Liberace You know, I really, I love the stage direction, the lighting was on point Man, the way you guys like really envisioned, like it was definitely, it feel like we were in the back of a limousine

We drew from the classics and I hope that we hit our reference points Yes! Oh! Suddenly Are you kidding me? Um Yeah, it was super good guys Oh really? Well done

Yeah, cause they were both waiting for Godot Which is like the play waiting for Godot Except we made it very obvious that Godot is God Yeah! Yeah! Yeah That's right You guys did that

Are you- is that like- is that- is. Yeah. That's right. You guys did that. Is that like, is it like, is it dark? Very meaningful. Deep. Very deep. You guys. You guys! You know how to make a play. Anyway, I have a dinner reservation. I mean a dinner reservation. Sorry. Then the train. A train to the dinner?

Yeah. Yeah. So, space for two more? Nah, it's a real... Then the train train to the dinner. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah No Real we can tell you about the writing process Yeah, but the likes the stuff left on the cutting room six-month rehearsals Unfortunately was um, it's already booked out. So Maybe next time, I'll text you, we gotta go. Where are you going? No, it's okay, we'll come along and we'll just like...

No, where are you going? I'll call him now, I'll see if there's any reservations. I'll just get a table for two. We'll just walk with you and if there's no seats, we'll figure something else out. Why don't we pick up some... Why don't we get a bit of pizza before we go out? Because again, it was a bit of a... It was kind of like a date night for us, so... Pizza before your dinner? Well, it was a date night for us. These guys are fucking crazy.

So I was just thinking if you want to have a... If you're having some pizza, we'll just... This is giving me an idea for my next play pizza a one-man show pizza and then dinner One man's You come out of the stage and you say when I was a kid Dad always ordered pizza and then you do a spin and you go hello pizza place. I'm Jackson's dad I don't like to pee a pepperoni pieces, please. Yes, it's dinner Jackson's dad. I don't like to pepperoni pieces please.

Yes it's dinner. You know nowadays I do a quick spin and then I'm like uh-huh. Hi uh-huh. I'm Joel Zamen. I'm getting a piece of pizza slice off of my friend's plate before dinner. Pizza's a snack to me. And then I do it. And then I sit in there and the audience is like we were just doing that because we didn't

want to do a fucking thing. And then I sit around again. What the fuck is happening? Sitting in the car like, why? Why is he making this place about me? What the fuck? What's wrong with society? Pizza used to be dinner, now it's a snack before a dinner? For dinner! For the journey to a dinner?

You know what? I was like, well, watch you eat a piece of pizza. I was sitting, he'd eat the pizza. I just wanted to be the... I've had plenty of time to think about pizza for dinner and pizza before dinner because I've been waiting for Godot. He brought it back? It's a Godot. Somebody comes off from one of the sides, they just dress like pizza.

The pizza delivery won't be coming today. Maybe tomorrow. Just sitting there seething being like, I hate that I've been dragged into this once more. And I'm gonna, you know what, fine. You know what, I'm not gonna say nothing. I'm not gonna say nothing when we see him afterwards. It's great.

It's gonna be good. He's never gonna make it to Broadway. I know he talks about it a lot. But watching this, he has no hope. End of act one. He doesn't even know you don't. He talks about it a lot. Mm watching this he has no hope and the back to watch He's talking he doesn't even know you don't that's like a stage direction You actually don't Stand still for like 30 seconds. It's the same fucking scene. It's the same fucking scene.

Remember the fucking Wolverine Liberace? Do you remember the fucking help guy? It's like end of act one. And you know what? They're still in the same fucking car. It's that they haven't moved. Time hasn't happened. Like it hasn't happened.

It just happened there. I'm so mad. I hate that I'm gonna have to say it was great afterwards. Okay, packed. We don't say it was great. We say, we just have to say Hey! Thanks so much for coming to my play! You guys! You guys! This guy can do a play!

So you liked my new performance Pizza slash pizza Pizza for dinner slash pizza before dinner? Loved it, dude. You are funny. Funny stuff. Good commentary on... Dramatic. Yeah.

So we gotta jet. I gotta go home. Talk to my hotstrings. Yeah, I was thinking maybe going out for a drink. Uh, no you know... To celebrate opening night. Yeah man, let's do it. I'm gonna push over. I guess we can stay out for one.

Stay out for one drink? Yeah, we can stay out for a week. Yeah, of course we can stay out for one drink. I mean, we gotta buy you... I mean, the man. The man! Gotta buy you like... Least a... So, wine or beer these days? Do you want your spirits?

Do you want to have a rum and coke or something? Champagne! To celebrate my success! Of course! And not the cheap stuff! No! Three glasses of the finest champagne Okay, just have the finest myself and my two biggest fans. Okay. Yeah, I've actually been thinking you guys have some acting jobs No, no, no, it's not for me. Probably, you know me I prefer I love

I'm a watcher not a doer. Yeah, you know, not a creative- A watcher not a doer, that's giving me some ideas. Not a creative bow in my body. That's really terrible to be your muse. You picked some terrible muses. Welcome to my one next play of a man who could have had it all, but chose to be a watcher instead of a doer. 2024, October. Hey, did you like my play? You should be in it.

I did like your play, but I don't want to be in it. I'm a watcher, not a doer. That's a real shame. You're never gonna achieve anything if you turn your back on the stage. Lights go dark. Spotlight. And the back to one. Motherfucker. He's figured out lighting, I guess. I don't think he has. Is this the Wake the Fuck Up trilogy? Does he have a sane way to cook on a... I don't think he has. This is an ad by BetterHelp.

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Let the gratitude flow. Visit betterhelp.com today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com. I don't think he knows what he's talking about. He might come today, but he'll definitely come tomorrow. He definitely knows one bit of it. My pants have fallen down while I wait for Goddard. I've picked my pants up.

He's saying stage directions. And nothing's happening. Is this outside our home? Or like a prank? What? Every year the audience gets bigger and bigger. Are we out of touch? Do I not get it? Maybe we are just...

To turn your back on the stage is a crime punishable by death. What is he saying? Does he think he should? Should I not be? My friends should be dead. I hope they get hit by a car. And choke. And then I'll be reunited with them when I finally meet up with Gato. Mmm. Act 3. Imagine he went and joined a theater company and then he just hello my friend I have stopped being a watcher and started being a doer and I am happy Has gotto come yet And now imagine if you will does a spin

Yeah, nah, I'm a watcher and then two months later hit by a train. I Think he'd sound something like this And of act three Sound effects of an old trade the cops a bit too late Yeah, um I can see it in lights. Yeah. I don't think all three of these in lights. The Joedusia trilogy. Yeah, it'll be huge. Maybe just a Wolverine that just instead decided to join the theatre. I think that was a pretty bad Wolverine. He just not really reacted to chops, does he? A Wolverine that didn't have much

to say about, like, everyone just like commentated and this is like, this is my version of what I thought think you know Ah, they're putting some juice in the water that makes mutants bad or not existed. I'm gonna make a play of this. Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Bad artists Wolverine would be pretty bad, but maybe not the worst in the world No, I think the worst Wolverine just need to make one simple change regular Wolverine. I just simply make his claws go backwards And just simply make his claws go backwards Instead of coming out from between his knuckles they simply shoot back up into his forearm. So they start

So they I get for you, but they start like near his in his wrist like well in his hand However, they normally so I guess we're in the other way there. Yeah, cuz they're in his forearm They go out. Yeah, but when he activates them, they just shoot further back. I guess he's got elbows like elbow clothes Don't come out of his elbows and his shred his arms He tries really hard not to use Telescopic What do you mean? Look is there they're further up? So normally there's angle. They're still attached Yeah, yes, I understand that in the regular Wolverine I'm thinking is born the length the length of a these clothes bone claw

Yeah, when you're saying it because usually it's about the length of his for okay Well, maybe maybe imagine this of it kind of like this if you imagine the foot always his pivot point What if what if they fucked up and they put it in at the wrong temperature? Okay, and it bent so maybe they still come out his wrist but they're bent back and angled straight back into his arm. So like, kinda like a babirusa. I don't know what that is. A babirusa? Yeah, a babirusa. It's a kinda awesome pig.

That's not what I expected. A babirusa is a pig that has its teeth, they grow out, and then they curve back and go right into its brain. Oh, like a goat sometimes when that happens. and go right into its brain and kill it. Oh like a goat sometimes when that happens. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just like that. Okay, so Wolverine extends the claws and they come out and stab him.

Yeah, stab him. Okay, so he's got almost this U shape that comes out of his knuckle and then back in. Straight back into his arm. Okay, so you can still use them to punch and hurt people. Yeah, they're like brass knuckles that hurt him. Yeah, and they hurt him, they cane him. How much does it come out as well by the way? Yeah, how far? How far before turning around? Well, I imagine...

Hmm. Yeah, that's a good point. Because if they come out a bit without curving back, then he could just be short. And if they're solid, wouldn't it just come out in one solid like, you know, chunk? Unless they're in his hand yeah and his hands are fucked and they shoot backwards from his hand yeah what about small like oh yeah maybe we'll go back to the original idea yeah the normal but the smaller not the length of his forearm half the length of his forearm what if they come out of his collarbone into his neck so he goes like this to do the wall and he goes like this to do the wall

and he bleeds out Yeah, what are like lobotomy claws? Maybe just aimed at his brain? So he's got like She goes shink and stabbed in the brain Why does he keep going shinked? What's he meant to say? Shnicked

Shnick is great though Shinked Oh my fucking head Maybe he's got all just like all over his body What was he meant to say? Shnick! Shnick? Shnick is great though. Shnick! Oh my fucking head! Maybe he's got all, just like all over his body, just claws that just stab him in a million places every time he uses his mutant power. Now as a teenager when that just happens. Yeah, it hurts when you're a teenager. In James' house, it's a past I guess, where I think what, the dad comes in, shoots his

dad, he's like, come on, you you come with me and he stabs that guy What happens here? Yeah, it is first. He's defending himself from the guy attacked his dad He just gets shot as well Yeah, if we look at like the human skeleton, let's get like a picture of the human skeleton. Okay fabulous It's about time we're gonna censor that thing. So like yeah, where do you reckon the worst place for bone claws? What if instead of bone claws they're rib claws? And every rib is a claw that comes out so it pretty much just bisects him So where they-

And then stabs his arms as well Does it come out like where- It come out sideways Likes his arms as well. Does it come out, like where? It come out sideways. Okay. Like into his arms. Okay, so if you imagine your rib, but then the rib has like a sheath over it of another bone that gets shoots out.

So he kind of becomes like, is it like a turtle that kind of does that? Yeah, but I don't think- Or a toad? Or a toad maybe? I think there's a toad whose skeleton pops. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. I just got a question for you. Yeah?

Do you know what happens to a toad when it gets struck by lightning? It pops? Same as everything else. It pops. You know what happens when a toad has spiky ribs that poke out of its body? It hurts the toad.

It hurts. But the same thing that happens when anything has spiky ribs that poke out of its body. It's painful! Yeah, it's not good. Yeah! Does this? We got a guy!

Snack, snack, ooooh! Snacked is a bad noise. Snack! Snack! Ooooooh! He's gotta put his arms real out high so he doesn't give the... Snack, snack, ooooh! And he runs at you, kinda baboon style, yeah.

And then you just... That's scary! Oh, this has to like hip and shoulder you of baboon style. That's scary. It always has to like hit the shoulder, but not really. That's pretty bad. But also because of how many ribs you've got, I feel like the moment they come out, there's a big chance that his torso just kind of slides off his body. Cause he's like cutting himself in half, basically.

Um, what? Cause if you have so much stuff come out all it does is make big holes in your side wait what does he from does it because a rib obviously curves around is it like a blade because then yeah he cuts himself in half. Like I was imagining... It's just like sex, like enhancing. Snuck! It's like... Slop! And then he feels over... He falls off his own legs.

Yeah. Fall off your own legs, no worse feeling. Because yeah, I was imagining it was like one little hole for each rib. But if it's like a saw blade that pops out, a disc, then yeah, he falls off his own legs. But also like, multiple. Happens all the same time. It just happens like, how many, this is a question I should know the answer to. How many ribs do we have on each side? Great question.

Twelve? Twelve? Twelve sounds right. Are you just saying because twelve sounds right? No, twelve sounds right, because it's like twelve and then like you, the thirteenth rib is like... A forbidden rib. We've got twenty-four ribs. Oh, it's all on each side. It's all on each side, there you go. Wait, or is it, oh you know what it is Oh it's all what he said

Wait, or is it Oh you know what it is all about Fuck I actually knew what it is You knew how many ribs we have baby So yeah he's gonna get cut into 13 slices That's too many slices Too many slices of one man

A lot of it is cartilage So the bits that are ribs, is this like being pushed out Cause you're getting pushed a lot of it is cartilage. Yeah, so the bits that are ribs is just like being pushed out or like Because you're getting pushed a lot of like a lot of big gaping hole. Yeah Maybe not what disturbs me is that because the ribs don't go the whole way around. Yeah, that's what I mean So he has a strip of flesh And I guess he just kind of accordions down So is it

So is it additional is it additional bones? Or is it the ribs themselves? The ribs are coated in adamantium. Yeah, because his regular body and his bone claws, they're an additional bone. Well maybe, you know what, yeah, because I guess his bone claws, I guess they're just like, it's another layer around his ribs that when he tenses come out. Okay. I can't stop thinking about if your mutant power was that you just like your torso

ended and then your legs started, but you, you controlled the both. You just had to hold on to your legs. My mutant power is I could fall off my own legs. Yeah. You have to have your hands in your pockets constantly so you don't fall off your legs. Yeah, you've been dissected in 12 ways. I just, or like all you're being held together by your spine and sternum. Well, that's for, yeah, that's how Wolverine's doing

Yeah, that's doing it. I know he's obviously a drunk. Yeah. Yeah, that's the worst thing you can be Any time he goes to help in the X-Men he's immense pain and just Falls over not use his ribs and just punch. He's got a healing factor still Ribs and just punch. He's got a healing factor still I Guess yes with every way we know if everything was like oh yeah, I need a drunk cuz that's the worst thing Yeah, be like again getting drunk behind the limo. That's not that's no good. That's not absolutely driving. That's a criminal. She's in trouble Yeah, so when Wolverine Welcome to Wolverine meets Liberace drunk edition.

Woah, no dude, he's going back to the classics. God damn it. Hey, Liberace Bob it's me, Wolverine I'm back for round two but this time I've been drinking the sauce. Well you shouldn't have done that, Wolverine. Pull over right now.

No, Bob. I'm going to go faster. What is he trying to say? What is he doing, dude? I'm so tired. You would think at a certain point we wouldn't have to come to every one of these, but... Wolverine, why are you doing this? My friend was watching on a doobabub He's rafra- what the? What the fuck?

And I had pizza as an on the way to dinner snack bub That was a lie, that was a lie to get rid of him Does he use these players to communicate stuff to us he's not comfortable saying like in person? Does he not realise what we're trying to do? That's what this is It's made me realise that Does he genuinely not comfortable saying like in person. Does he not realize what we're trying to do? That's what this is. It's made me realize that... Does he genuinely not understand that we just... I do.

The happiness is only behind the wheel of a beautiful limousine Liberace bub and the bottom of a bottle. Does he think Liberace's name is also bub at this point? I don't. I don't. Starring Joel Duchariz Wolverine and Joe Dushyre as Liberace Bob Did he know at some point that that wasn't true and then forgot over time? It's a gross misunderstanding of so many things

James Wolverine and Liberace Bob in Liberace and Wolverine He knows enough to know that it's James Yeah, he's got that but he keeps going So not quite enough James Wolverine, please the miragey bum. That's the only way Where they go? Sort of like he's improvising it but also could he be really this bad at improvising this?

He keeps talking about a six month rehearsal. Yeah, probably not. It was grueling, it was grueling! Every day, 6am, waking up. 6am to 9pm every night I had to capture the essence of James Wolverine and Liberace Bob. People keep talking about like, yeah you you gotta go the arts and support that because escape from your nine to five office job. You know what?

This makes me long for the nine to five. I wish I was back in the office. You know what I mean? You know what I was thinking about? Excel spreadsheets. Yeah, I, uh, I think this might be the last arts I support. This might be me, I think. Yeah, I'm pulling funding.

I'm supporting the military. Yeah, I don't know. Military industrial complex, I support. This might be me, I think. I'm pulling funding. I'm supporting the military? Yeah, I don't know. What's this? Middle-to-industrial conflicts, I prefer. What's this? I was thinking the worst Wolverine would be one who got an Ant-Man suit and got just so tiny we lost him. Could he get big again?

No, like he got tiny and then the suit broke. And we're like, where's Wolverine? And he's just lost somewhere. The worst Wolverine is what wasn't there. Yeah, he's there. We just like don't know where he is. Does he still try and help out? We don't know. He's trapped in the small tiny room.

No, I don't imagine he's that small. How tall? How big? Like small. Could we find him? If we spend a lot of time working. Like as big as a pepper, like a bit of pepper. Like a peppercorn.

Yeah, as big as a peppercorn. So like big enough that you could see him, but you'd be like, is that a little man? Surely not. That's probably just one of my dropped peppercorns. I'm just eating peppercorns like peppercorn. These taste disgusting. They're so, oh so peppery. Bit one, oh it's big! I don't know the best way to bite!

I don't like the taste of pepper, but not like this! I dropped one! Wait, is this a little man? I hope I don't eat that little man I think I saw amongst my little peppercorns. He's in a bad place. Oh, you're picking up Wolverine, cause he's indestructible. I'm like, that peppercorn tastes strange. Imagine getting three little, like, very tiny adamantium

claws in your tooth. Ha, ha, it's stuck. It's stuck. Fling it away. Oh, fuck. I think that was Wolverine. Yeah, and he's just like lost in the X mansion. And it's like a thing where everybody's like,

we should find him. But like, how are you going to find him? He's so small. Well, Professor X would find him straight away. He's too small for that. I don't know. His brain's so tiny. His brain always little.

He's giving off such a small psychic signal. Yeah, he'd get confused with the rats. Exactly. Professor X is like, I've... I've found him. Oh wait, we just have a rat problem. Wait, it's just a peppercorn. A peppercorn with a brain?

I think there's something wrong with my machine. It's detecting mutants and peppercorns. Cerebro has actually been... Oh my god, the war's so many... Is it peppercorn cerebro accidentally? I understand that. I think... I think Wolverine has gone into peppercorn realm.

Let's explore peppercorn cerebro. So we've just seen Pepper around the world? It seems like in the riff I just tried to create, Professor X has created a cerebro to find peppercorns. That he needs a whole machine to locate peppercorns. He's got like two machines there, two cerebros. I put that one on to find new things with the abilities So that I can bring them into my mansion make sure that nothing goes awry

Yeah, and that one well when I'm even feeling like you want to be too bland And want some peppercorns I get down to that one. I get in the peppercorn cerebro and I find me some peppercorns locate the peppercorns It doesn't mean coal, woozer, aldi, yeets I can answer any question about peppercorn cerebro you have. I consider myself the leading expert on peppercorn cerebro. As the head of the peppercorn cerebro riff, he's got a couple of questions about the creation process.

Shoot him at me. Shoot him at me, dude. What did Joel do to put me in this? I just want to question. What is he looking for? He's trying to find peppercorns. And is there different varieties of peppercorns? Or is it just all peppercorns? Like, is he trying to find mutant peppercorns? In my mind, he saw how effective Cerebro was,

and he thought, well, sometimes I am trying to find a peppercorn. Is that a thing he often loses? Well, I think it's maybe funny to imagine Professor X a peppercorn. Is that a thing he often loses? Well I think it's maybe funny to imagine Professor X eating peppercorns. And the idea that he has this gigantic elaborate cerebrostyle machine, purely to locate peppercorns.

I think you can find it at a grocery store. How is it built? Like what does the design look like? Cause like in my mind it look like cuz like in my mind yeah look like cuz like three was a helmet mmm it looked like that but it was just an enlarged hollowed out peppercorn oh I see over his head that's far more elaborate make him sneeze probably if it's a big peppercorn yeah in my mind it was identical fed a pin particle yeah I'm bit big no in my mind it was identical to regular but it. Yeah, a bit big. No in my mind it was identical to regular

But it just had and it had like on the machine like the label Cerebro But above it kind of like how you might have like like, you know Like say on a packet of chips and it'll have like in the corner like new. Yeah, but it says peppercorn Cerebro, so he's just looking for any peppercorn. Yeah, because he likes eating peppercorns. Yeah, he wants to know where they are. Okay. Does he often, what happens? How often does he use this peppercorn?

So it's like, he's got a bowl of peppercorns, he's like, I'm going to eat you, and then oh, missed my mouth. And then it rolls away. And he's like, oh, he's like, I can't get it. He's like, is there a shortage? Yeah. No, it's like, he's like doing a like, where are the peppercorns in the X mansion?

Well, I'll get him a peppercorn sari, bro. Okay. Just like, maybe I'll check the pantry, maybe on the table. No, he's like- Next to the salt. It's kind of like, you know, if you have like a smart fridge, um, you could like get on your phone and see like what's in it. Can you?

That's the thing I've seen some people do. Yeah. Okay. So it's like that before peppercorns in the action surely And in this period of time I imagine a rat eating Yeah, there's a puff of corn. Sorry, bro. That's what he was in instead of regular Plumbing the desk start the end of the day. I think there's been a lot of very good riffs. And I think the one lesson we can learn today is that Deadpool and Wolverine, they said,

the worst Wolverines are drunk, but you can just say anything and that's the worst Wolverine. Wolverine that has diarrhea is probably worse. Oh man, so sticky. Food poisoning Wolverine. He can't do anything because he just feels too sick. He's throwing up and shitting. Yeah, exactly. Like a wolverine that has a grass allergy.

Yeah, exactly. Arms for legs, wolverine. Yeah. Does he have legs for arms? Yeah. Oh, that's trouble. Like a wolverine covered entirely in assholes. Okay.

The wolverine, I think like the actual, is it Dead Man Logan? Dead Man Logan. Dead Man Logan. Dead Man Logan. Franken okay the Wolverine. I think like the actual is a dead man look dead man Look dead man Logan dead man Logan Frankenstein will Yeah, man Logan's are Wolverine and Marvel zombies. Yeah. Oh, yeah Over in that when he goes snicked his legs come out of there They like suck up into his body Kick you They like suck up into his body. Maybe that's bald, because he can kick you in the face. Oh no, his punches and kicks. A Wolverine who's punches and kicks.

That's actually an awesome Wolverine. That's a sick Wolverine. A Wolverine who when he does this, just water comes out. Yeah. You can drink from it. Oh yeah, like a Wolverine, like yeah, he's like his claws happen, but they just make little holes and just blood pours out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's not powerful blood. No, no, it's just his blood. He just was, it's just like a problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like, an open wound Wolverine. Yeah, yeah. Sick Wolverine. Sick Wolverine.

Wolverine who's slowly melting one minute at a time. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All of these Wolverines are worse. Yeah, Wolverine that was instead of like, I don't know, adamantium, they just bonded his bones with gold. Yeah, or jelly gelatin wolverine yeah if or uh maybe if uh wolverine was some sort of uh rude dog

rude dog wolverine wolverine the insult comic dog yeah yeah wolverine stuck in a well wolverine pretty bad wolverine is lost lost? Gooning Wolverine? Like Wolverine addicted to pornos? Whoa! Goon cave Wolverine! Wolverine who got stuck in the TV? Oh yeah! Like he went into the TV and now he's on a cooking show? Yeah yeah yeah.

Did you do it Videodrome style where the TV becomes lips? No, like a Mike TV style. I think he just touched the screen and he was just unlucky. And then he went into Ready Steady Cook? And he went into into ready steady cook and he's scared but he can't get out yeah he's got a cook with he's got 30 minutes to cook what the judges want and the crowds gonna vote yeah exactly Cow will be pretty bad? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The blades come out the udders?

Not the farmer's hands. Yeah. Farmers hate that cow. Yeah. It's a cow with beautiful hair and the farmer comes out, it's like, time to milk you, Wolverine cow. Ah, ah, ah, ah! Every time I do this, the milk's never any good because it's also full of blood.

I milk blood from this, Wolverine. My own blood. I milk my own blood from this Wolverine cow. Thank you for coming to my farm kids. Would anyone like a sample of my blood? I have one cow and it's a Wolverine cow and I milk blood from my Wolverine cow. I have not made any money. No. Oh a Wolverine that instead of sharp claws, it's like really like like like blunted batons that come out of his hands So it has to push against his flesh and skin Oh no

So it hurts him a lot, but then when it comes out, it's just like a big long stick. Yeah, that would suck That would suck A Wolverine that medically cannot stop pissing Oh no That's bad, dude There's a lot of worse Wolverines than the Wolverine we got in Deadpool and Wolverine and Disney. If you're watching, first of all, don't sue us because of the name of the show. Second of all, you can hire us. We were available for a brainstorming session.

You can even pay us those scab rates of like, oh, it's a brainstorming session, so we pay you 20 bucks an hour. And then we'll take your ideas, we'll put in a billion dollar movie. Because it's either this or like a one-man show and as you can see we're not great at anything. Yeah, we can't figure it out. But what we can do is we can make a cow Wolverine. Yeah, exactly. Following the success of Wolverine and Liberace comes Peppercorn Cerebro. The greatest riff we've ever done.

And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. Was this one good? I think so. I liked it. All right, Billy. What do you think this is?

Billy. Billy downloads Billy Dollars. Yeah. Hey everyone. What? Are we recording? Hang on. What?

It just, it's too zoomed in. Sorry. So it stressed me out. There you go, dude. Stressed me. What? Sorry, sorry, sorry. There you go, dude. Stretch me out. Stretch me out. Sorry. Not Lance Armstrong. The other guy. Livestrong. Stretch Livestrong? Stretch Armstrong. Livestrong's already Armstrong.

Lance Armstrong. Stretch Livestrong. Livestrong's Livestrong. Livestrong. Already Armstrong. Yeah, Livestrong is... You were right the first time with Stretch Armstrong. What the fuck happened to you?

Okay. So I was like, Stretch Armstrong? No, I'm thinking of Lans Armstrong. And then I went, Stretch Livestrong? And then I was like, wait, no, Livestrong is Lans Armstrong's chari, which presumably wasn't. Livestrong is Armstrong. You were right. You were actually normal.

Yeah yeah yeah. We were silly. Okay. This is an ad by BetterHelp. What comes to mind when you hear the word gratitude? Maybe it's a daily practice, or maybe it feels hard to be grateful right now. Don't forget to give yourself some thanks by investing in your well-being. BetterHelp is the largest online therapy provider in the world, connecting you to qualified

professionals via phone, video, or message chat. Let the gratitude flow. Visit BetterHelp.com today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.help.com. Hello, Zamit here, one of the Jolls from middling to OK podcast Plumbing the Death Star, not a Star Wars podcast. While my two Evanescent co-hosts gallivant around the UK, I'm back here in Melbourne, preparing for the arrival of our firstborn. But I'm not here to tell you about that. I'm here to tell you about a wonderful podcast festival that is happening in October. The Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival.

That's right. We're a part of it. On the 4th October at 8.30pm at Stupid Old Studios, I'll be joined by my very jet lag co-host for our last live Plumbing the Death Star show for a bit. Maybe. It's hard to say. What with the upcoming Birth of Our... Anyway, you can grab tickets at cheerfulearful.podlifeevents.com and there you can check out all the assortment of delectable comedy podcasts on offer. That's cheerfulearful.podlifeevents.com, a festival of funny podcasts going for 12 days across two continents here in Australia. That's October the 4th to the 6th,

and across that big pond over in the UK. That's the 12th to the 20th. It's all your favourite funny podcasts all in one place. Plus, we'll also be there. Crazy. So once again, that's cheerfullyhearful.podlifeevents.com. I love you.