Plumbing the Death Star - Who Could You Seamlessly Replace in the Mushroom Kingdom?

Episode Date: June 28, 2020

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SansPantsRadio, it's not even that hard. Smart decisions are there for losers, and being strong and handsome can overcome any challenge Adam throws at us. Tickets and more information are available at SOSPresents.com. And before you interrupt me and say, Hey Joel Dusha, I just looked at the dates, and I'm stupid, and dumb, and an idiot, and even though I had every intention of buying a season pass to this event I haven't and now I've missed it what can I do well great

news fuckwit it's also on video on demand you can relive our previous glories whenever you want and as much as you want look your call I mean we've really thought of it all so head to sospresents.com for dates times and ticket info And I'll see you online. Hey, everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like, who could you seamlessly replace in the Mushroom Kingdom? Princess Pink. All right, couple questions.

Just watch me. We've gone for both options of starting this episode, which is just say a name and also clarification, but at the same time, hopefully this is a mixer that was like what I just got, which is one answer in each ear. This is like binaural beats or whatever. It's going to put people to sleep. So because your answer, Jackson,

was the worst way to start the episode, I'm going to turn to Joel Zaman and be like, yes, you've got questions. What were they? They were questions about Princess Peach. Wow, that really fucked me. It's weird because you said it at the same time. You didn't even let him finish saying Princess Peach.

He got the P out. Princess Poo? I'm like, oh, I know where he's going with this, the big idiot. I've got questions. I've got some quick questions. Hit me up. You're a beardy, potato-shaped man. And she's a hot babe.

Yeah. But I think Mario would be just as excited to find me at the end of his long journey than he would to find me. Long gurney. Long gurney. So Bowser is coming to, he's like, I'm going to steal Princess Peach. Yeah. And there is you.

I've replaced Princess Peach. He doesn't have anything. He can't. That's true. He can't turn around now. And then again, if you replace Princess Peach, does he, does, so have you replaced, so does Princess Peach exist in the realm before this, or have you always been Princess Peach?

I guess the situation has got to be because I'm replacing them. Is that me and Princess Peach was like, hey, Jackson, can you be Peach for a day? And I was like, yeah, of course. And it just happened to be the day of Bail. So Bail's a cum. She trapped me. I'm so sorry to take us out of the episode

briefly but Jackson as you said that you were knocking on your head like it was a fucking like door

why it was itchy you rattled your head with your knuckles yeah trying to scratch the itch

you're like yeah I'd be princess beach do do do that was sorry it was just so hard let me walk you through it because if I scratch with my hand my beanie gets pulled up that's annoying That was... Sorry, it was just so hard.

Let me walk you through it. If I scratch with my hand, my beanie gets pulled up. That's annoying. But a knock-knock doesn't move the beanie at all. And it still provides him with the necessary scratch. It was like, because you were making an outlandish claim, was not going to your head. It was like you were checking if anyone was home,

and I guess the answer was no. Right. You're Princess Peach the day that Bowser comes. So Bowser comes in. I guess you are maybe more easily to kidnap than Peach. I'm not putting up a fight, certainly. Yeah. I'm like, I knew this was part of it.

I'm easy to kidnap. Mario... You're heavier. Yeah. That's true. But Bowser's huge. He can pick me up. Well, he can pick Peach up in one hand. He might just have to use a second for you.

Or like some kind of Hessian sack. Oh, yeah, you'd fit in a Hessian sack better than Peach does. I would fit in a Hessian sack perfectly. In fact, as Bowser's kidnapping me, he'd be like, something's different about Peach. She's so smooth to kidnap. And then he would take me wherever, to his castle. Mario hopefully doesn't realize it's me, I guess,

until he gets to the end. Well, Peach could, I guess. Wait, no, because you've replaced Peach. Where'd Peach go? She here? She's doing plumbings with us. Oh, no. Yeah, that's what she's doing.

Yeah, I know. It's fucked. Hey, Peach, how do you feel about the penis of a dog? Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, we agree. We shouldn't have swapped with Jackson. He'd have been all over the penis. He would have been like no. Yeah, yeah. We agree. You shouldn't have swapped with Jackson. He'd have been all over the penis. He would have been like,

whoa, yeah, I love it. This is the best day of my life. You've made me think about a dog dick. I'm putting this on the calendar. This is my Christmas. Oh, no. When you go into the Mushroom Kingdom, because it's going to help me imagine it a little better,

and the audience is theater of the mind, motherfuckers. Yeah, baby. So you go into the Mushroom Kingdom, this is going to help me imagine it a little better. And the audience is theater of the mind, motherfuckers! Yeah, baby! So you're obviously going to have to be like a sprite version of yourself, right? So you're going to pretty much just look like a toad, but hairy. Like a wrong Mario. Bowser's going to come in and be like, is this wrong Mario? And I'll be like, no, I'm Princess Peach, dude.

Like, ah, the third Mario brother, come with me. Mario, Luigi and this fucking guy. My name's Jackson. I mean Princess Peach. You're clearly not Prince... Okay. You know I've met Princess Peach, yeah. Yeah. What of it? Well, that wasn't you.

Sure? You don't know. You just referred to her like it was the third person to you as well. Am I coming or not? Yeah, get in the fucking sack. Okay. I've kidnapped myself at this point. Hey, dude, get in the fucking bag. Yeah, all right.

Yeah, okay, dude. Yeah, sounds good. I got nothing else to do. This castle's just bricks. It's just toads, dude. Have you seen these guys? Where are their fucking knees? It's like climbing.

The reason I imagine Bowser has a sleigh, that's not weird. Why is the magic Bowser carrying you in a sack over his shoulder like Santa? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bowser is kind of a bit like Santa. Yeah, he's got his clown car instead of a sleigh. Yeah. His boys instead of elves. He's jolly.

He's jolly. He breathes fire rather than snow. Yeah. Merry Christmas. Exactly. Yeah. He's got like a giant castle and, you know, Santa's got a workshop. Absolutely.

What if he's got a workshop? Surely. What is that boat in the sky if not a workshop? Where else is he making ba-bombs? Yeah. So what does Peach need to do when she's kidnapped? Hang around, I guess. Yeah, not very

good at that. I'm great at loafing. Not die. Yeah. He hasn't died yet. Loafing and staying alive are two of my top five skills The other three are kicking it sweet Sucking and fucking

And dancing like a maniac Those are my top five skills Top five Of you know more than five Seven Six is probably make coffee Because you usually fuck that up seven i don't know washing your hands eight sleep oh no sleep should be up there no but he's bad at that's part of

loafing yeah that's that's true sleep is part of loafing gotta know the rules Yeah so I love Because I'm good at it Yeah Probably critique Bowser Hey if I need to piss in his castle Is it Like do I have to go by the lava Or whatever As if you're not pissing in the lava

Yeah The steam's hot And smells like piss You're then breathing in your own piss steam Hey Bowser Is this bad for you? Feels bad Tastes bad

I'm huffing piss Is this what you imagined when you kidnapped me? The first thing you do in his castle is Huff piss Maybe don't huff piss Yeah maybe don't huff piss Piss is steam It's not poisonous Do you know what else isn't poisonous? Not huff piss yeah maybe don't huff piss piss is it's not poisonous

do you know what else isn't poisonous not huffing piss that's true okay you know not huffing piss is free

but it's just as free as huffing piss so not really an appropriate argument you might be lucky in the sense

oh no because lava's so hot because it's gonna be like you might be lucky if you huff piss that, because lava is so hot. Because you might be lucky if you half piss that it's mostly just water. Yeah. Because it's getting so hot. It's dissolved the piss particles. Yeah.

Maybe. I'm not going to claim to know science well enough to know that. I don't think I'd get on well with Bowser Jr. But I don't think Peach does necessarily. Well, Bowser Jr. is going to think you're his mom. That's true. Are you my mom? Yes.

I absolutely am. Peach does necessarily. Well, Bowser Jr. is going to think you're his mom. That's true. Are you my mom? Yes. I absolutely am. Peach is like, no. What does Peach really do, apart from loafing, when she gets kidnapped? I think the implications are you don't really see it. I'm surprised there hasn't. In Paper Mario the Thousand Year Door, she hangs around and bakes a cake. I've baked a cake before. Because I think the Mario games. It's all right it was a bit flat i think the mario games kind of go

in a direction where peach is like you're both idiots bowser kidnaps me he's not really a threat yeah just come along save me i'm just gonna whatever what about this is another element of the princess peach shtick is that when mario kills bowser and saves me i've got to curve him when he's like i saved you a little kisser for mario i've got to be like no we're just we're just friends man i mean i don't want to marry either you or bowser spoilers for super mario i mean i get like you me, but you shouldn't be saving me just for a crumb of food. It's pretty fucked up, Mario, if you just want a kiss for this. I'm going to give you a little pat on the head and go back to my castle full of knee-less toes.

Yeah, dude, Mario. Smell you later. Hey, Mario, have a think about why you're doing this. You creep. Mario doesn't have a health... Well, he doesn't have a healthy sexual relationship at all, where Luigi and Daisy have a bit of something going on. Oh, yeah, something, something.

He cries off the sex. This is the biggest trick about Mario. Everyone is like, oh, Luigi's a big loser, but it's not. Mario is the biggest loser. Absolutely. He puts on a whole stage play to be like, hey, look at my glory days. What a big loser. Mario's upsetting to think about.

Link, he's the real alpha of the Nintendo things. In Ocarina of Time, he could fuck like seven different people if he wanted. One of them's probably a Goron. Nobody ever wants to fuck Mario. Heaps of people want to fuck Link. Wait, isn't there a horny ghost in one of the Paper Marios? Do I want to fuck Mario? Is that where I failed a speech?

Too thirsty for Italian, man. Can you give me a kiss? Making out with him. Hell yeah, I'll fuck you. That's not what I asked. Why did I get kidnapped then? I don't know. You're not the peach. I don't want don't know You're not the Peach

I don't want to kiss your mustache and be the tickle My mustache and the beard Peach is doing my podcast right now Mario Hey let me show you a cool thing You can do with your pierced ear Tastes bad but Mamma mia Are there any other duties of Peach Mama mia.

Are there any other duties of Peach that I've... Well, can you rule the Mushroom Kingdom? No, I'll answer that for you. You can't. You absolutely could not. It doesn't seem hard. I can't imagine... What's Peach doing? Yeah.

It's not about him doing a better job than Peach. It's him doing just as good a job as Peach. Peach is a diplomat. Yeah, I'm not that. She's often, at the start of video games, seen as doing big things. That's why Bowser wants to kidnap her. Like what? The Bean Kingdom and Super Mario and his brother, the Superstar Saga.

Yes, tell me more about Mario and his brother, the Superstar Saga. Well, they travel to the Bean Kingdom to meet the Prince Bean to create better relations between the Mushroom Kingdom. Yeah. I don't know how to do that. Yeah, Peach, the reason Peach often gets kidnapped at the start of the game, she's usually doing like a powerhouse move.

It's rough for Peach because it often seems like, yeah, she's set up all of these political dominoes that she's just about to knock over and then Bowser comes and brah, brah, brah, brah, brah, comes and kidnaps her okay then you never find out you know at delfino isle i'm assuming that oh they were on vacation yeah delfino isle they're on vacation luigi's mansion they're on vacation uh i can do that dude yeah he's very good at that comes on the low thing yeah sucked off by a ghost yeah um i feel like at the start of odyssey of Odyssey, isn't there like a big festival that she's organizing? You can't organize a festival.

No. You can barely organize a fucking podcast. That's easy. Get people in the same room. Yeah. Or even just log into the internet. You don't even know how to upload an episode. Yeah, that's true.

Yeah. Your face just went so stony gold for a second. I remembered. I despise you, Jackson Bailey. You made me waste an hour. You shit. Yeah. So I can't do that element of the peach, you know, the peach experience.

That's fair. So, yeah. I guess you're very good at when Bowser's involved. I guess you're good at being kidnapped. Loafing and sucking and fucking. Dancing like a maniac. Dancing like a maniac. Whatever the other ones that I'm good at doing are.

Okay, what about are you good at tennis? No. Are you good at soccer? Not really. Or football for our European audiences? No, no. What about having a party, though? I can Mario party.

Can you make a cake? Yeah, I can make a shitty cake said he could make a cake can i super mario brothers strikers no well that's mario and sonic at the olympic games no no but neither really i'm not sucking and fucking gets a gold and you're probably gonna get bronze that's fair that's one of my top five skills that's so sad you're telling me you can suck and fuck better than waluigi i can't suck and fuck on an olympic level that's very true i'll happily make that claim that none of us here can yeah waluigi number one michael phelps at number

two dr robot number three absolutely are real Are real Olympians in my own Sonic? No. Because if they're at the Olympic Games, that makes me think that they're... They're not, but you can choose to represent a genuine country. So you could be like, I'm Wario shirtless representing Uruguay or something, which is crazy. I don't know why that's an option, but here we are.

I guess... I'm Donkey Kong and I'm here to represent Poland for some reason. Whatever. Yeah, there's no rules. So how did I do as Peach? You did pretty good. Fine. 50%.

Yeah. I think it was definitely a passing grade because you got kidnapped like a champ. Absolutely. I got in the sack myself. Well, initially you were very good at brushing Mario off, but then you went full hog, so I don't know. Went for his hog. That's a good point.

So it depends. Are you hot for Mario, I guess, is what I'm going to base my score on. And if you can look me in the eye and I can believe what you say, I will then dictate. Let me look you in the eye and say I don't want to fuck Mario and you can see the eye and say, I don't want to fuck Mario, and you can see if there's truth. I don't want to fuck Mario. Yeah, you laughed at the end. There was a lion little sparkle in your eye.

Both my pupils became boners that went, got erect, yeah. I don't know if it was picked up in the microphone, but your eyes went, awooga. My tongue rolled out like a set of stairs I can't hide that shit steam was coming out of your ears you took off one of your shoes

knocking it on your head kind of like you're wrapping it itching myself I'm still annoyed by that that's like what, one out of five peach duties I failed at you failed at every time she did next like an activity outside of getting kidnapped yeah which is a lot of activities that's so it depends if

you want to count as every activity except the one i'm good at counts as one or do they count as individual ones as they should i would say extracurricular activities is one category well just like how you had five like top skills i think maybe in pictures of the five top skills, one of them might have been getting kidnapped. Yeah, that's true. And you failed the rest of the other four at least. So, yeah, yeah. Except maybe baking a cake, which you can make a shitty cake.

I don't know if that's... Maybe you passed two. I'll take it. Two out of five ain't bad. Would you say your cake is at a passing grade? Is it like... Can you eat it? Yeah, you can eat it.

It's just like not a very pretty cake. So you're still at 40%. I just want to point that out. Yeah, that's still a big fail. Yeah. But it's not a complete fail. Well, yeah, it is. But it's a more successful failure.

Is Peach good at math? Because definitely you are not. Well, she's a probably. Top five skills? She's an educated lady. She'd be better at maths than 40% isn't a total fail. Yeah. But it's a more successful fail.

The bacon and cake, getting kidnapped, the two. Diplomat, which you have definitely failed. Pushing away any sexual advance of Mario. What's the last one? What's the last skill, basically, Jack? Because that's what's hanging on right now. Pass or fail. What is it that she's...

Going on vacation. She does it all the time. And I'm great at that. That comes under low phone. I disagree. I don't think that going on vacation is... That's kicking it sweet. Because all of those things, once you're there, yes,

but you're bad at getting there and Peach nails getting there and often gets kidnapped when she does get there. Well, yeah, every vacation that you've been on, have you planned it or has someone else planned it?

Someone else has planned it. Can you imagine if we let Jackson plan any part of any of the trips we've done as a three? 40%, Jack. I'm so sorry. You're failing. A successful fail in your life.

A more successful failure than it could have been. Yeah. Still a fail. Yeah. You more successful failure than it could have been. Yeah. Still a fail. Yeah. You're not doing great. Oh, yeah. Can't win them all.

So not seamlessly, unfortunately. Not seamless. I concede the same. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Also, did you know we do too many shows across the Sandspan's radio network? Take Big Soft Titty Dot PNG, a show by award-winning comedians Tom Walker and Demi Lardner that is not for cowards. Are you a coward?

Then stay the fuck away from BigSoftTitty.png, you big piss baby. But if you're brave enough to listen, you'll be rewarded with horse music, the hidden secret of what one does with a cum egg, and too much teeth talk. Just search for BigSoftTitty.png or one word, no spaces, on iTunes or Spotify or head to our website, SandsPantsRadio.com. I can seamlessly replace Wario. Oh, okay. Easy.

What are the duties of Wario? Pretty much be greedy. Yeah. That's easy. Overconfident. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Just mad lad times all the time. You do just mad lad times all the time but do you love onions, farting and bikes I would say that that falls into the category of no regard for my own well being no see I think Wario's gross and you're not gross enough there are two points where I think you fail

as Wario, not gross enough and you don't fail enough. Wario fails all the time. Which coincidentally means I'm going to pass at this, meaning that I don't fail again. The Wario paradox. Yeah, because one of Wario's main things, especially in the Wario Land games, Jackson,

you love ever so much. You dream about them every night. So dearly, yes. Wish they'd make a fourth one, even though it was revealed that that came out in like 2002 or whatever. One day they'll make a fourth. One day we'll get Wario Land 4. Maybe the Game Boy Advance.

I'd like that. A console that it definitely already came out on. Yeah, because his whole thing is just like absolutely no regard for his own well-being. Will progress at any point. Gets drunk so that he's strong? I forget what getting drunk does in that game. You certainly fall around a bunch.

I think that might just be a negative effect, but he gets stung by bees so that he can float, and he gets squashed by bricks so he can get in small gaps. It's a physical toll you'll take. Yeah, that does seem like something that you would do, Dave. If there was a hint, a rumor, and someone was like,

did you get stung my beard you're like my arm is already deep in a beehive your head your head not your arms plus like if i don't know if there was like a tight space that i really wanted what was on the other side and i like well if you dislocate your shoulder i probably like well depends how bad i want this thing that could be cool my face is already in there, so... Let's dislocate my body to get through this hole. So, yeah, complete disregard for your own health and well-being. Sure.

Big tick. But Wario, even when he succeeds, he fails. That's the trick of Wario. In Wario Land 4, a game that's fake... LAUGHTER ..when you win, I think you get robbed at the end. You're like, oh, I got all this treasure, but someone steals your Wario car. And so War's like ah things are bad again i think you are too proud of a man to ever admit defeat yeah so even but when you lose you win whereas wario when he

wins he lose yeah therein lies the rob yeah that is that is the complex wario paradox it's a troublesome also that the joel doucher paradox when he loses he still wins that's good Rob. Yeah, that is the complex warrior paradox. It's a troublesome one. Also, the Joel Dershowitz paradox, when he loses, he still wins. That's good. You're coming out on top there, I guess, either way. And we just witnessed it. It just happened. It just happened. Uncut Gems also fits into this

because Adam Sandler's character from that is somewhere between me and him. This is great. This is good. So you're saying that there's a Venn diagram and in one half it's Wario and the other half it's you and in the center

is the film Uncut Gems? It's Adam Sandler's coward from Uncut Gems. Insane, but I want to see someone draw it. No. Yeah. Because this is how I win,

you know, the line from the movie you haven't seen. Yeah, I know. You haven't seen it either. I haven't, correct. I know the line, though. I don't know the line.

I'm not a philistine. I am. So what's the line? There's a line towards the end of the film where things are going real bad and everyone's like, stop doing that. And he's like, no, this is how I win. There you go.

It's a very anxiety-driven film. Yeah. So I guess in the center, sure, is Uncut Gems. Howard someone. Adam Sandler from Uncut Gems. Howard someone. Adam Sandler from Uncut Gems. Could you be robbed? Because that happens to Wario a whole bunch. Captain Syrup always steals his shit.

Steals his castle once. That sucks. Have I been robbed before? I've been mugged. Oh, yeah, that's close. Do you think that you could be paying so little attention that a band of food-themed pirates could steal your house. You're asleep while this happens in your house.

I did renew my house insurance the other day. Not merely a week ago. Not out of fear of food pirates. No, I was like, contents insurance, and then the message in my house has been like, ah, we can get robbed again now. That's a bad joke. So maybe I would. I'm insuredured i don't mind so i guess yeah

you don't care we'll see that's another thing wario cares yeah and also wario would never insure himself no too confident absolutely um i'm trying to think of other wario duties owning a dirt bike yeah see i own a bmx but i don't have a dirt bike. When was the last time you won that BMX, though? Probably 2004. Oh, man, get back on it. Yeah, dude. It's crazy you don't BMX everywhere. That suits you so much.

Skateboarding probably suits me more. I don't know. Matt Hoffman's BMX feels more your style. Yeah. Like, if I had to pick an extreme sport for all of us, BMX, Segway. For you, yeah. You're pointing and not saying names.

People can figure it out. Rollerblades for Zammett. It's funny because BMXing is the one I've done the least. I mean, I've never touched a Segway. I wouldn't be called that. Me neither. But rollerblading is the thing I've done the most. Yeah, rollerblading is the thing I think I've done either the most

or second most with skateboarding. I think I'd be like in Tony Hawk 4 where you can play as Bear Majera and get in a shopping trolley and shit. That feels like the extreme sport for me. I'm surprised you haven't been in a shopping trolley and got hit by a bus or something. Yeah.

Me too. Well, I think the thing is, if you had to pick one of us, it's most likely to have been hit by a car. It's me. No. Jack doesn't pay attention enough. Yeah.

Only because you can imagine me being hit by a car and bouncing back. If Jackson had been hit by a car, he'd be dead. Out of all of us here, Jack has been hit by a car. So have I. And I lived. Yeah. So did I. And you lived too.

I guess you're both fucking idiots. I don't know what this fruit is. What was your car hit story? You got me hit by the car. Oh, my God. How do you not remember this? How did you forget? You did this to me.

Every time we retell this story, you change from being the villain to the hero to the point now you've just forgotten. You removed yourself from the narrative. Maybe you are a warrior. Christ almighty. I don't think I was there, Jackson, when you got hit by a car. I think you yourself would.

It'd be great if you ran into the street and then hit by a car. Great idea, Jackson. Oh, no, I got hit by a car. Through my own fault. God damn. I now have memory of this event. Thank God. What about extracurricular activities?

Because that's something Wario does as well. Yeah, I've played tennis before. I've played soccer before, and I haven't competed in the Olympic Games. How good are you at sleeping on someone else's couch? Yeah, that's true. Good. I assumed.

What about your love for gold? I mean, Wario loves treasure. I don't see you as a particularly materialistically driven kind of person. No, not really. Yes. I can't see you. The thing that stops me from seeing you becoming Wario as seamless is that if your castle was stolen, I think you'd just be like, oh, damn.

Instead of going on like a rampage through various worlds to kill the food pirates. It depends. I feel like that my Wario might be seamless in some aspects, but I feel like my bloodlust would be different. I could probably be wrong. Like if someone stole my castle, I'd be like, damn. But if they did

I don't know stole my band t-shirt someone's gonna pay I think that the place where you and Wario intersect the most is that if you were to have a main move

in a platforming game it would be charging head first shoulder out through walls and you would also be invulnerable whereas I feel like maybe I would have Mario and his little one hit

dead but I can't jump or something and Xamon would be Alex the kid. Xamon has a slingshot. Rock, paper, scissors. Yeah, that's good. I can't get hit or climb this pipe. Why didn't I get Sonic or something cool? Gotta go fast.

I'm exhausted just thinking about it. So, yeah, I feel like that's the only place really where you intersect with Wario. His moveset's the same as yours. Yeah, I feel you don't have the same, yeah, that same drive that Wario has. You might have, like,, you might get there, it's like the end result is the same, but how you got there is different. Yeah.

I can see me and Wario being similar in our blood loss, but again, different triggers. Yeah, absolutely. I can see you being friends. 100%. Like, you're driving your car through a wall to run over some cunt that wronged you, but not in the way that it wronged the person wrongly.

That's not to get my wallet back. No. Yeah. It might be because he looked at your spaghetti wrong. Yeah. You know what I mean? Hands off my spaghetti. I can't see you getting as humiliated as Wario does as well.

I feel like Wario's pretty often humiliated by those around him. That's a kind of terrible Wario cycle. Yeah. Yeah. Wario seems unliked, I would say. Except from, you know, Waluigi. Am I like some kind of dark Wario?

Are you a Wario? I'm a Wario. A Wario! He looks in the mirror, a bad mirror, sees me, and he's like, oh no. Mamma mia. Because he's like, every time I win, I. Because he's like, every time I win, I lose. I'm like, every time I lose, I win.

This is how I win. And then in between us is Adam Sandler being like, whatever Adam Sandler says. I almost said doe. That's Homer Simpson. It is crazy. Stop looking at me, swan. I'm like, classic Adam Sandler.

Classic Adam Sandler. It's crazy that... Stop looking at me, swan! And we're like, classic Adam Sandler. Classic Adam Sandler. It's crazy that the Wario cycle is get humiliated, seek revenge, get revenge, get humiliated, seek revenge. That's every Wario... He doesn't have the hero's journey. He's just got that. Mine's make a claim, be wrong, move the goalposts, win. It's not a circle.

It's a line. It's like a teacup shape. Well, I think definitively we've proved you are not Wario. Yeah, unfortunately. You're some other thing. You wouldn't seamlessly... Yeah, you wouldn't seamlessly replace Wario, but they might be like, man, Wario

is in the up and up now. He's winning a lot more. Yeah, I think they're looking up for Wario here. I could probably replace I could replace the character Wario but people would notice I'm not Wario. Yes, absolutely. Or it might be like, man, something's changed with Wario. Is he sober now?

Or drunker. Maybe he's got his life together or not. It's hard to say. He's definitely done something. He's done a 180. We don't know which way. Drastic change to Wario's lifestyle. We just don't know what to write. It's done a 180. You don't know which way. Drastic change to Wario's lifestyle. We just don't know what to write. It's either a 180 or 90. It's really hard to tell.

All right. All right. Well, I reckon I could easily replace Donkey Kong. Oh, okay. Yeah. Ooh, banana. Ooh, banana. You do like bananas.

No way. Ooh, banana. No, I don't like bananas. No way. Ooh, banana. No, I don't like bananas unless I'm eating them. Well, that's okay because they're just in your... You wouldn't hoard them. You just eat all the bananas. Also, I would just like you to draw attention to the typical Joel Zammett wardrobe. Please explain it to me.

The most... Okay, not what he's wearing right now because that's not his... If he was an action figure, it wouldn't be what he's wearing now. That's true. Okay, so it would be large leather jacket, fur lined, Hawaiian shirt, and then jeans. And what about the Hawaiian shirt? The Hawaiian shirt would be very, very open.

Probably three buttons on done. I think I've chosen the wrong Kong. I think, wait, wait, wait, wait. Now, describe Donkey Kong's outfit. Okay, nude. Yep. A tie. And if you combine those two outfits, you get a full outfit.

Whoa, is that a Donkey Kong Need to Fusion dance? Yeah. They make a guy who's really inappropriately dressed for any event. Separately, they're not dressed. There's no event you can go to in a hawaiian shirt leather jacket and tie that's insane there's also no event you can go to nude with a tie if you're in a formal nudist colony alternatively orgy yeah one of them classic eyes wide shut orgies. Yeah, exactly. Fancy. Donkey Kong's dressed perfectly for it.

A fancy orgy. I like a formal orgy. That's nice. I think that removes the edge of an orgy. Yeah, it does. It makes it flaccid. Maybe I'm not into it. An orgy should be under a bridge and nowhere else.

No. That's like one of the only places an orgy shouldn't be. Well, look. Different strokes. Look, yeah. Under a bridge or behind a supermarket. Those are the only two places. Wherever you can feasibly find trash. But trash that's old enough that it definitely stinks.

Are you in a swampland? Perfect. Are you semi-submerged? Ideal for an orgy. What are your opinions on marshes? I thought you were going to say under a bridge or behind a zoo. And behind a zoo, that's the perfect place

for an orgy. Why do you associate orgies with strong sense? Stop hitting your head with shit! Why do you associate just the stink of either feces, which is what a zoo smells like, or trash with an orgy? I'm giving an orgy its edge back

that you took it off. Yeah. You've ruined an orgy's edge. I'm going to give it as much edge as humanly possible. Orgies are often planned in advance. You're not like, hey, let's meet at a fucking bin.

This is an advance Facebook event. Bridge orgy. Meet your friends. That Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a totally different meaning if Under the Bridge is about fucking. Jackson Bailey's Brogy. Come on down.

We're having a classic vintage Brogy. Bring some dip. So there's the Jackson Bailey's Brogy or Joel Dusha's formal orgy. Nothing is worse than just like tie event, nothing else. An orgy under a bridge and then just like little glassware

full of dip in the dirt. Yeah, no chips either. Just dip. Mine's in a town hall. Brogy or forgy, you decide. Forgy, at least there's like some nice piano or something being played. In my brogy, there's just cats yowling. There's like 44-gallon drums that are on fire.

And maybe one mattress wet. Talk about edge. Anyway, you picked the wrong Kong. Yeah, I think I picked the wrong Kong. I think it's definitely Funky. Oh, hell yes. Funky Kong dresses exactly like you. You are Funky Kong.

Yeah. Never gets directly involved in Donkey Kong shenanigans, except when you're in Funky Mode where he cannot dive. Just like me. Owns a small business selling balloons to the Kongs that are on adventures. Gives advice, doesn't get involved. Yeah. But surfs.

Surfs. Is cool. Oh, okay. Hey, controversial opinion, just owns a surfs. Surfs. Is cool. Oh, okay. Hey, controversial opinion. Just owns a surfboard. Funky mode. What does he do that means he can't die? Yeah, but he doesn't surf.

He just jumps on his surfboard on spikes. I don't know if that's surfing. That isn't surfing. I would say that's harder to do. That's true. I could get a surfboard and land on some spikes. Yeah. That seems easy. It seems easier. some spikes. Yeah. That seems easy.

It seems easier. Catching a wave, that seems hard. Okay, Jax, have you ever been surfing? Yeah. Yeah, you've been surfing. Zaman, have you ever been surfing? No. I've been surfing, so that's two out of three.

Jax, have you ever used a surfboard to bridge a gap between spikes so you don't die? Joel Zaman, have you ever used a surfboard to bridge a gap between spikes so you don't die? No. I also haven't to the shock of everyone, I'm sure. But in theory, the spikes aren't moving whereas a wave is. A wave, catching a wave involves

timing, precision and skill. Jumping on spikes with a surfboard under you probably involves timing, precision and skill. And far more bravery. A wave can kill you, probably won't.

Spikes will kill you and, well, can and will. Well, okay, so maybe Funky Kong in the modern game Zammett can't replace. What about Cranky Kong? Why Cranky Kong? He's involved. He's in Donkey Kong Country Tropical Freeze. Oh, so he was the original Kong? Yeah. What about Cranky Kong? Why Cranky Kong? He's involved. He's in Donkey Kong Country Tropical Freeze. Oh, so he was the original Kong. Yeah.

What about Cranky Kong? I can't throw barrels. Yeah. You can use a surfboard to cross spikes, but you can't throw a barrel. Barrels are heavy. The barrel's smaller than a surfboard. Yeah, exactly. A surfboard is small. Think about a barrel. It's so big and full.

Surfboard's designed to be grabbed. Barrel isn't. Surfboards are heavy. Not as heavy as a barrel, my dude. Especially that barrel full of bourbon, which I assume it is. Yeah, me too. No, the barrels are empty. They're full of bourbon.

Where are you getting their empty from? Why do you think they're empty? Because they break in the game. And the bourbon goes everywhere. One banana sometimes falls out. Or the heavy ones have Diddy Kong in them. Okay, maybe Sam and his Funky Kong pre-Funky Mode. You couldn't involve Funky Kong in the Donkey Kong Country.

Funky Mode for me, because it's getting seamlessly involving, right? So it's like, okay, they hit Funky Mode. I'm there with a coffee in hand, shaking my head, being like, no, do it right, you idiot. Because that's very Cranky Kong, though. Yeah, but Cranky Kong's also mean. He's not Cranky Kong me. If me and Jackson were on an adventure

and came to you for advice, and you realised we'd done something dumb, would you A, not mention it or B, belittle us for it? Maybe C, try and get involved. Yeah, see? Funky Kong through and through. Hey, we're driving to Sydney

because we heard there's a ghost town, but all of the tyres on my car popped because I drove through spikes. Look, fair enough. Let's get some four replacement tyres. Is it a two-seater or is there room for one more dickhead? on my car popped because I drove through spikes. Look, fair enough. Let's get some four replacement tires. Is it a two-seater or is there room for one more dickhead? Okay. Or imagine, hey, me and Dusha, we're trying to kill King K. Rool.

He's Donkey Kong, I'm Diddy Kong. We keep falling in holes and you're like, well, I've developed a balloon that'll stop that, you idiots. And then we take the balloon. I think you're Funky Kong to your core, my dude. And then also in Donkey Kong Country, doesn't he also own like a helicopter business or something?

And for a brief time in the 90s, he runs a weapons deal, like an arms deal. What do you call that? A gun house. Exactly. So he's adapted to survive in any kind of harsh economic times You're going to sell me a coconut gun He's a shrewd businessman

Yeah So he understands the market An entrepreneur And who he's What do you know Absolutely I'm a businessman I do some things

He's got hella style Hang on Is Funky Kong No he wouldn't be part of the original DK rap There's only five people in the DK rap, but that is Donkey Kong, Diddy Kong, Tiny Kong, Tiny Kong, and Chunky Kong. Yeah, absolutely.

That's the name. Lanky Kong right here, yeah. As a kid on the playground, we would play Kongs sometimes, and I always intentionally played Lanky Kong. Is it because this Kong has a funny face? I think I'm no style or grace yeah and and funky kong he loves like cut off shorts and a white uh singlet oh that's true and about original funky is that what funky kong looks like these days look up funky kong

in 64 it looks like you know he's gone through an an army phase He went through like a 90s He becomes a militia for a bit Yeah just a little bit Man Funky Kong's lived a life But so have you That is true And I think the beauty as well of Zammett picking Funky Kong Is that you never play as Funky Kong

He's not that involved So if I was playing Donkey Kong Country And I stopped at the fucking airplane store And it was Zamet instead I'm just tapping A because I need new lives I'm not paying attention Yeah, I'm like, guys, I've got some balloons that give you lives Hey, here's this gun that shoots coconuts

Whatever, enjoy If it shoots you, it's gonna hurt This Kong is a hell of a guy My issue with this is Zamet fits perfectly into the role Similar to my Wario situation, but one thing will stop him from being a seamless addition. His name is Funky Kong, yet Joel Zammett is not an ape.

Yeah, that is true. That is true. Peach is ostensibly a human woman. Wario is. Again, ostensibly a human man, but Funky Kong is definitely some kind of animated ape man My legs are longer than his legs Correct

That's true and I feel like You'd tower over all of them Yeah You're more fragile as well It's more seamless But I'm hairy Not as hairy as an ape Yeah that's true

Hang on What's the sexy ape From Donkey Kong Country called Candy Kong Candy Kong Do you mean Donkey Kong 64 No I mean

Country Candy Kong I think it's It's always Candy Kong Donkey Kong's Kind of on and off Again girlfriend yeah Yeah so I was just

Double checking Cause I was like I remembered her being More human And if she was like Pretty human She is fairly human actually Especially in the 60s.

Looking at pictures. 64, 64. Oh, she's not that human. I mean, she got some big old ape titties, but. Yeah. She's very much an ape. Yeah. Ape with a wig.

Yeah, but she's more humanoid. That's true. You know. Yeah. Damn. Damn. Why? She's like a white trash ape.

What's going on there? Damn. Put on Why? She's like a white trash ape. What's going on there? Damn. Put on some shoes, Candy. Yeah, look. Zamet could maybe, with his hair, fall onto the more human side of the Kong spectrum. I've fallen into a terrible Kong hole. Happens to the best of us, man. I just saw a picture of Swanky Kong and it's changed my entire life.

Show me swanky Kong. Oh no. So swanky Kong is. Oh no. Who is swanky Kong? He's only been in Donkey Kong country two and three. He runs swanky's bonus bonanza. Look,

I think of the Kongs, Funky- Then he runs Swanky's sideshow. Yeah, I hate thinking about- Swanky's dash. You showed me Swanky Kong and it hit whatever primal part of my brain's designed to be aware of predators. That's what I felt when you showed him to me. He's in Mario Superstar Baseball, a game I forgot existed. Whoa.

So, yeah, well, I'm not seeing many pictures of, say, Funky Kong with a Hawaiian shirt. Putting him in a Hawaiian shirt feels kind of right. Yeah. And, again, if he's wearing his, like, wonderful jean cut-offs, which I often wear when it's hot. Mm-hmm. Absolutely.

And having a white singlet, and you put a Hawaiian shirt on top of that. That's basically it. He is wearing a bandana on his head, which is something I do not do. I show off my luscious locks. Yeah, that's true. I don't want to hide my luscious locks. But that said, I could easily do it to try and confuse some clonks. Think about this.

If I'm wearing exactly what he's wearing, but then I put a Hawaiian shirt on, I cover my hair with a bandana, put on some very big glasses, I might be enough to confuse some Kongs. I think when the Kongs are arriving so briefly at Funky Kong Airways to get lives, they wouldn't notice. I think of all of us, you are the most seamlessly inserted. I agree, and my brain just is still in Kong mode now. Found another, I had to put my phone down

because I was getting absorbed into the world of the Kong. So maybe I would be a seamless addition just because I literally almost fell into Donkey Kong. In the mid episode, I got sucked off into Donkey Kong. Third, fourth, eighth Kong brother. Yeah. Joel Douche. Joel Douche.

Douche Kong. Kong. Or Joel Kong. Joel Kong. Joel Kong works. Yeah, look, there's one last Kong I need to share. There's one called Redneck Kong, who was meant to be in Diddy Kong Pilot.

He was cancelled, but he looks like a redneck, but it's a Donkey Kong. He's wearing overalls and has a thing in his mouth. I always thought it was upsetting that Lanky Kong was clearly an orangutan, but in Donkey Kong Country 2, you fight evil orangutans, and there's no other orangutans ever mentioned. I just don't know what the relationship between lanky Kong and the other Kongs is.

Yeah. In the past, they've killed his orangutan. There's a lot of Kong politics. There's a lot of Kong politics, man. Yeah. Donkey Kong may be the scariest universe.

And the fact that it's connected to mushroom kingdom is bad. Oh, absolutely. Where's the jungle? You gotta travel that it's connected to Mushroom Kingdom is bad. Oh, absolutely. Where's the jungle? You gotta travel. It's overseas. Yeah, but how did Donkey Kong get to New York? Look, these are questions for another day.

So I think all in all, even though we all basically seamlessly I think it was pretty smooth. We all inserted ourselves into things. Some better than others, some worse than others. We had some passing grades, some definite fails. Yeah, but some successful fails. Fails are fails.

And remember to pick if you're going to come to the Brogy or the Forgy. The choice is yours. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Don't go to the Brogy. The Brogy's cool. No. I sterilize my floor. I intentionally been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Don't go to the Brogy. The Brogy's cool. I sterilise my floor.

I intentionally don't. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all the other shows on the Sandspans Radio Network, just head to sandspansradio.com and consider joining the SandsPants Plus community. There's over 20 bonus shows, a SandsPants Plus Discord, exclusive video content, and discounts on merch. Just head to SandsPantsRadio.com

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