Plumbing the Death Star - Who Has the Worst Fictional Upbringing?

Episode Date: September 8, 2019

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San Spence Radio, Australia's dumbest podcast network. filmed and slapped that all on a USB cassette tape that you can purchase right now from audiobooksontape.com. But that's not all, you beautiful human beings. If you use coupon code DICKHEAD at checkout, you get 10% off the whole damn thing. That's 21 brand new never heard before unless you were there episodes and a heap of bonus video footage, like Jackson getting his head stuck in Brighton's Cheeky Chappy. So, if that sounds like something you want to consume, just head to audiobooksontape.com and use coupon code DICKHEAD at checkout. Hello and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like,

Who has the worst fictional upbringing? So an upbringing we're defining as from birth to death. No, from birth till about the end of teenagehood. Yeah. Yeah. That's roughly upbringing. I mean, people usually describe- It could be birth till death. I would say like a childhood.

Yeah, childhood usually is- I guess that's why you're being brought up. So no, you know what? Fair. Yeah. Most people don't call it an upbringing if they're finished being up. I would say I was brought up till about 18. Later.

Big adult baby. Yeah. Still being brought up now about 18. Later. Big adult baby. Still being brought up now. Brought up to this very moment. To be honest. Your counts are not bringing until you pay your first bill. So Jackson, that should be around 45. Yeah, absolutely. Or never.

I'll die and they'll be like, he was still a child even though I was 98. I lived long. That's too long for you to live. Anyway, Anakin Skywalker. Anakin Skywalker. Okay. Worst fictional upbringing by a significant margin.

He had a mother who loved him, a father figure who was a gross fly. He lived in a desert. That's cool. Was a slave. Got to live around jagged metal. Had other slave friends. Had other slave friends. Was a pod racer, but friends was a pod racer but was only a pod

racer because it didn't matter if he died yeah it's crazy if you make that real world and it's like this child is driving a rally yeah and that 10 year old wow and the only like part of the reason why they do that is like water is like if water wasn't yeah what don't love shmey which is a very funny sentence you're not wrong yeah by extension he must love anakin yeah yeah but i don't know why we've given him a Wario voice, but hey. Well, that's good. He doesn't whip, Anakin. That's pretty good.

I'd say not whipping your child is sort of a neutral. When Jedi are there, he does let Anakin finish early because Anakin famously says, yippee! Anakin seems happy. Anakin doesn't know better. Anakin loves his life better Anakin loves his life Anakin hates his life Hey it's crazy that when they're letting Anakin

That they let Anakin pod race Is there anyone who's like that as a boy He will die Wasn't that the first one he kind of did it as a race Yeah But it's like a car basically Sobaba would kill him Sobaba would kill anyone

Least of all a boy. It's amazing. Given the opportunity, Sebulba would shoot Anakin in the head as a child with a blaster. No, no, no, you're both wrong. Anakin's about to accept the pod racing award and then Sebulba floats on up to him and then with his big horse mouth eats Anakin's head

and then just walks away and everyone's like, in a way, Sebulba won. I'll just fly with these little X-Wing and double tap R and a big jet flame will come out. That's right. What a game. Sebulba's a dirty racer, the more I think about it. He's not a good racer. But Anakin's

upbringing is, well, obviously it begins on Tatooine? Yes. Nailed it. That's so good. Tell me that Star Wars knowledge is at such a low that you're like, Tatooine? Yes. Nailed it. That's so good. Tell me that Star Wars knowledge is at such a low that you're like Tatooine, is that right? Fellas, what do you imagine I nearly called it? Danterween? No.

No, Dagobah. No, Tatooine. Alright. So Anakin's raised on Tatooine. Yes. But that's like one part of his upbringing. Then he lives with those stuffy Jedis in a tall house or whatever. Well, if you look at living on Tatooine, yeah, it's dry and it sucks. But is living on Tatooine as a boy, is it any different of just living on Tatooine?

No. What's the downgrades of like... Well, the difference is you're a slave and then, yes, we haven't touched on the worst part of his slavery part, which I mean slavery very bad. Coming to that star, famously anti-slavery. Hey, if you take one thing away from this, it is that we are anti-slavery.

Absolutely. Yeah, we are an anti-slavery podcast. Remember that. Yes. So he doesn't know any better. He was raised as a child and W Watto loves him as, I guess, Watto loves Shmi. That's all I'm saying from this guy.

Watto loves him. Watto loves Shmi and Watto loves Anakin. Watch the Phantom Menace. But Watto doesn't love Anakin enough not to give him away if he wins a pod race. And then keep Shmi as a slave. So you get separated from your mother. You get taken away by strange men in cloaks Shmi as a slave. So you get separated from your mother.

You get taken away by strange men in cloaks after almost being killed for however long a pod race goes for. After like two hours. Imagine being an orphan like in the real world and you win a street race in a souped up car and then you're taken

by some men in cloaks who are like you got the right amount of bugs in your brain, kid. In Watto's defence, though, he didn't think Anakin was going to win. Yeah, in Watto's mind, this was a sure thing. In Watto's mind, he was like, I'm going to keep my Shmi, keep my Anakin, and make some sweet Jedi bugs. No, in Watto's head, he's like, I'm going to keep a sad Shmi because witnesses her son die

Obi-Wan No, not Obi-Wan, the other one, Qui-Gon Jinn Leaves sad because he watched a kid die I'm just trying to work out The upbringing of someone In Tatooine versus Anakin in Tatooine Well, Anakin has to pod race

I get it, but I think Anakin, what makes him distinct Is that he goes from that to living with the Jedi Council. Can you imagine being on that council when Qui-Gon's like, this boy, this boy is going to bring the balance to the Force. I'd be like, goddammit, Qui-Gon. You've got to stop doing this to me. Every single kid he brings back.

Well, because it goes from bad desert times to bad Jedi times. Because being a child at the Jedi Academy can't be good. I mean, you see a pretty extreme example of how it's not good in Revenge of the Sith. I mean, look, if we look at the end result of a reflection of the upbringing, yes!

If you didn't have a very good upbringing, yes! You get that where you're constantly... He's gone from water water who cares for him probably doesn't love him slave etc etc risks his life gets taken by men in cloaks

gets put into a Jedi temple which is basically just like becoming an altar boy except they're constantly telling him that he is too old and too garbage

for everything he's doing and that he's a real risk yeah but he does get to see space he gets to fly his own ship. That's cool. He gets to build a friend.

And meets an angel. And meets an angel. He does get to build his own friend. Are you an angel? Shut up. He meets his future wife maybe at the age of 10. I would like to superimpose you into that scene, Dusha, in the background eating a banana.

Shut up. Shut up, Atticus. We're in space idiot if angels existed they wouldn't be called angels they'd be like fucking star wars would yeah idiot are there like an actual angel race in now star wars to make that all make sense because it would have to be kind of like how uh han solo starts talking about hell or whatever. He doesn't start talking about it. That's not immunity, like everybody be quiet.

If you sin, your soul is bound for eternal damnation. Harrison, stop ad-libbing. This is not working. His clause in Return of the Jedi was either you kill me and Empire Strikes Back or I'm going to go on a big diatribe about hell and it's going to be canon

eventually Anakin okay this is more evidence about how bad my Star Wars knowledge is eventually Anakin gets his arms and legs burnt off why? because he didn't have the higher ground he doesn't get his arms and legs burnt off

he gets his arms and legs cut off. They fight in a volcano. Yes. Why are they there? Do we have to really go through the plot of Avengers here? For what reason? This is my memory of those films. Anakin and Obi-Wan are having a good chat in an elevator.

Scene missing. Anakin is burning. What's the elevator conversation? What are they talking about? He's like, hey, that was a pretty good mission, and Anakin's like, you're not wrong. Something to that effect. Well, at this point... Because there's no good missions in

Revenge of the Sith. It might happen in Attack of the Clones. The movie opens with Anakin doing a bad thing where he beheads Count Dooku. He pushes Samuel L. Jackson out a window.

Yes. I remember that scene too. So at this point Shieve is there. At this point he's married. Or at least... at this point he's married or at least secret married. He's married to Palpatine. He gets secret married to you've given me

bad brain. He gets secretly married to Padme at the end of Attack of the Clones. They were both peas. He gets his arm cut off in episode 2 as well. Count Dooku cuts it off. At that point though he's already grown up. Yeah, he's an adult. I think if you're being raised by an institution,

you're still being brought up. He is being brought up till his arms and legs are burnt off and Obi-Wan's like, I don't know why we did this because Jackson doesn't know. Goodbye. I would not say he's being brought up then because at that point, he's basically got a job. It's like he's graduated from police force. If you're still a cop, you're still being brought up then because at that point he's basically got a job. It's like he's graduated from police force.

If you're still a cop, you're still being brought up. Well, I would say there's actually three upbringings for Anakin. He's got his Tatooine or Tatooine. So he's Tatooine upbringing. Then he's got the Jedi Council upbringing when he's part of the Academy. Then he gets a secret adult upbringing

when he first becomes Darth Vader. That's true. Palpy. And Shelf. Shelf. Sheev. Shelf. Shelf Palpatine. He's like, mm, kill some kids.

So let's look at Anakin's father figures, because it's pretty funny. He goes, what-o, Qui-Gon Jinn. Dead, in brackets, deceased. Deceased. Sheev. So, okay, so you're in Tatooine, and you're like, why is this gross fly man not drying out in the sun? Yeah. Sheep. So you're in Tatooine and you're like why is this gross fly man not drying out in the sun?

This sucks. I guess you've got some friends in Tatooine. Yeah but you leave them. One of them's Greedo I think. You get to build a boy. That's kind of nice. Yeah you make C-3PO I guess.

He's got some outlets. As an education and as a childhood goes it's not terrible. He's got a place for his creativity. He's got some outlets As an education And as a childhood goes It's not terrible He gets He's got a place For his creativity Yeah

He's C-3PO It's basically Arts and crafts Yeah He can You know He can If he's

Once he's good with hands So he learns pod racing So he's good at mechanics So he's learning Good hand eye That's true He's got a loving mother So again

That's not too bad And a father figure In Watto And like Look He's not the best father figure But he's not the bad. And a father figure in Watto. And like, look, he's not the best father figure, but he's not the worst father figure. Well,

as Dusha famously said, Watto loves Shmi. Watto loves Shmi. And by extension, Anakin. Sheev loves Anakin. Yeah. It is rough that all of Anakin's parent figures don't love him for him.

Yeah. No. Well, Watto is like, you see some dolly little babies. Then you've got Qui-Gon, who's like, ah, yes, the Jesus boy. Yeah. No. Well, Watto is like, you see some dolly little bills. Then you've got Qui-Gon who's like, ah, yes,

the Jesus boy. Yeah, that's like if somebody gave me like baby Christ and I was like, I gotta do something with this kid. Well,

that's another thing. Also, he gets told that he's immaculately conceived. That's gotta do something. The pause there was for like, cause I'm like, and,

but no, you're right. That in and of itself is bad. Hey mom, where's dad? You don't have a father. I just one day got full of the force in my tum. Yeah, you know angels?

Because you do know angels. So you know the story of Christ? It happened to me and your Jesus. Okay, hey, mum. Look, I am but a... But you're bad, Jesus. Oh, dang. Look, I am but a boy.

You know what you could have said? Lied to me. Anything else. Look, yeah. There's a few bad options. I fucked water. That's at number one of the worst answers.

At least then I've got a dad. No! That's what they're saying whilst making food. Hey, where was I from? Oh, I fucked water. Oh. I've got questions.

Yippee! But you could have like, oh yes, he was, I don't know Some kind of imperial soldier Hey Anakin you're not old enough You're like five Or your dad is off the line

Anakin your dad's off on the war Just lie Shut up That's a good thing about having a kid You can just tell him to shut up Or you'd be just like you were a naughty boy And that's why you left real fuck him up yeah you look mine not great advice yours bad advice is an anti-child abuse podcast also yes okay so that was uh waddo then we go qui-gon and

qui-gon is all like puts you know puts him on a pedestal thinks he's great and fucking dies qui-gon like an idiot qui-gon puts him in a naboo starfighter was like stay there and he's like okay and then he flies a starfighter into the trade federation ship blows it up comes back qui-gon's dead does anakin think he got punished yes i think so i didn't listen to qui-gon and now qui-gon's dead yeah actually like here's a person who's giving me a lot of attention and like you don't know the like the terrible thing about like oh look he's the savior he's like this a lot of attention. And, like, you don't know the terrible thing about it. Like, oh, look, he's the saviour.

You're just like, this guy thinks I'm neat and that's good. Yeah, I've got the right bugs in my brain. Yeah, exactly. I've got heaps of them. You're not blaming him for abandoning your mother. So you're just like, oh, yeah, he likes me. I'm a special boy. Yeah.

He says to stay here, but I want to help. Now he's dead and I left and that's my fault. I'm sorry. And Obi-Wan is kind of more like an older brother figure for him, really. An uncle. He's an uncle figure. Which are few and far between. Because Qui-Gon goes and visits Obi-Wan, right?

Yes. And he's like, hey, I'm here, I'm a ghost. Yeah, he never goes and visits Anakin and be like, it's not your fault I'm dead. Yeah, because Qui-Gon's embarrassed by the whole thing. Would Qui-Gon going to visit Darth Vader be like, it's not my fault it's your dad and Darth Vader, it's not my fault it's your dad and Darth Vader, it's not my fault it's your dad, okay.

It's not your fault I'm dead and then Darth Vader, this is not worth where it's going. Darth Vader is like, I wish it was. I'm bad now. I mean, he could have come a little bit earlier, just saying. Yeah, I choked on that entire sentence. It was not worth it. What a good time.

We're here. We got there. It hurt every step of the way. And then we got Obi-Wan, who's basically, you're right, he's an older brother that is like, I guess I'm raising the kid because dad's dead, or ran out and ran out. No wonder Anakin ran to Sheev.

Exactly. And then you got Sheev. Sheev seems kindly. I get it. He's got a bad face, though. He does. He didn't initially. He had a kind of handsome face.

But he tells great stories about so-and-so the wise. Darth Plagueis the wise. Darth Plagueis or whatever. And, yeah, Anakin doesn't push Mace Windu out a window. He cuts off his hands. Well, Mace Windu falls out a window. Yes. Exactly.

Can't wait to find out that George Lucas has heard this and is just like... Yeah, I'm doing re-edits. I'm doing the Jackson Bailey re-edits of The Phantom Menace. Most of it's in elevator. Yeah, that was a good mission. That was a good mission. That was a good mission.

Anakin! It's over, Anakin Anakin I have the higher ground You're the chosen one You're meant to bring balance to the force Not fuck it What Hi Jackson Bailey here Confused audience member

What are you doing here Why are we here it's hot Why are we fighting on a hot planet The film has an effect where it looks like I'm tearing out of the screen at the cinema. Why are you watching this? What's happening? Turns out it's not an effect. You asked.

I got lost backstage. Backstage at the cinema. Yeah, I guess it's sort of great because no one ever teaches him anything good. No, it's kind of no wonder that Anakin ended up the way he did. Yeah, he was manipulated pretty much from everything. Even like Qui-Gon Jinn manipulated the situation so that he could be separated from his mom. Yeah.

Qui-Gon's a piece of shit. Oh, yeah. Hey, we've established that. He's the worst Jedi. I'll say it. That's a big and bold claim. Kit Fisto thoughts? I don't know.

Anakin Skywalker killing younglings. Not quite at that point. Kit Fisto rules. Kit Fisto's amazing. He's dead. Who else is a Jedi that you might hate?

Yoda. Yoda? Was Yoda a good father figure to Anakin? Did he kind of ignore him? Yoda is a bad father figure to Anakin? Did he kind of ignore him? Anakin Yoda is a bad father figure to everyone Who has attempted to be raised by Yoda He's bad at giving advice

He's bad at his job He's very terrible at his job But damn do you think that's a good Yoda impression? Actually, under Yoda's watch A lot of people died A lot of kids died You should be fired from that school I hope that if they were like,

Yoda, those kids died, he's like, little I am. Nothing to do I could. I am a kid. I could nothing to do. Yoda, talk normal. Talk normally, I cannot. It pleases me so much that your Yoda impression

begins with the noise Yoda would make eating delicious spaghetti. Yeah. Like if you're like, try it, try it. It's good. It's always giving bad and wrong advice. Yeah. So yeah, I guess it's not one.

Anakin had a pretty... Yeah, look, it wasn't great. It wasn't ideal. Yeah. So how many dads out of five were given this? Absent dads? Yeah. How many absent dads? Absent dads? Yeah. How many absent dads?

Absent dads. So that's our rating for today, as decided by me on the spot. How many absent dads out of five? Five out of five absent dads being the worst upbringing. One out of five absent dads being... I would say it's pretty bad. Like three and a half absent dads. Three and a half absent dads?

I would go with almost four absent dads. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've started strong on the absent dad front. It's really hard not to say absent dab. Absent dab. Well, that was a dab. An absent dab is more like absent dab. Insert dab here.

Okay, well, I'm going to choose Daniel Witwicky from the Transformers animated movie and series. My favourite thing that I just learned then is that Witwicky as a surname in the Michael Bay ones wasn't pulled out of Michael Bay's eyes. How raw. He's named Sam Witwicky in there. Yeah, but Witwicky.

There's so many Witwickys. There's a lot of Witwickys. Isn't it a big thing in the Michael Bay one that Witwicky is like destiny or some shit? I know that Witwicky dies. It rules. In either the second Mark Wahlberg Transformers or the first Mark Wahlberg transformers. They show this thing of all the transformers secret society people that have

died recently or in history. And one of them, Sheila, both Sam wiki canonically dies in the transformers movies. That's a fucking bass rest in peace. He did so well. So, um, so yes, Daniel Witwicky, he's either the son of Spike Witwicky

or sometimes Buster Witwicky. The animated series is unclear and likes to change things. That rules. Buster and Spike are names that they went with. Look, the 80s were a bit rad. Spike Witwicky and Buster Witwicky. Yeah, that was Spike's brother, Buster.

You have kids and you're like, I'm going to name this one Spike and that one Buster. I want my kids to roll a blade only. And fight with hockey sticks. So that we Spike and Buster or I won't have them. And then they're going to have a son. One of them will have a son, Daniel. One of them, I don't know who.

Daniel, Daniel will do. Daniel, really? Spike Daniel? Okay do Daniel really Spike Daniel ok cool Spike Buster Daniel so what's so bad about his upbringing well ok first off

apart from having a bad name and not sure who his dad is so he knows exactly who his dad is well he doesn't actually we'll go with Spike ok so in the animated film

the 82 84 one so Spike his dad is currently just on like a moon near Cybertron so his dad's chuffed off just on a moon near Cybertron So his dad's chuffed off

To Cybertron? Yeah, yeah, yeah A human man Yep, yep Every door would be so big for him That's crazy He'd get lost in a coffee mug You've gone too big now

He'd get lost in the rug of a Cybertronian. How good is it to think about being small and Cybertron? It rolls. Except it'd all be Transformers mugs and it would be a guy or whatever. I wanted a drink out of you. Yeah, I was coughing all over my lap. But the coffee's a guy. It sucks to be a Transformer.

Everything's just a fucking guy. Why is his dad on the moon? What did he go for? He's doing some bullshit with jazz, I think. Jazz? It's the notes you don't play. That's true. Son, I've gone to the moon to record my new album.

You just need those vibes. I need to get as close to the action as possible to record it. The best music is made lunar. It's always on Cybertron on that moon. Moon base one. The best music is made under high pressure. It's true. Exactly.

But no, he's just there monitoring Cybertron. Because I think at that point, the Decepticons are in charge for a bit. So anyway, his dad's shipped off. And now he's being raised by Autobots. And only Autobots. That's a mistake. They're machines.

They are machines. And then he's got his best friends with Hot Rod, who's just a bit of a dickhead. Don't be best friends with a car. Simple as that. As simple as that. Yeah, they always say man's best friend. It's a dog.

No, in this, it's a sweet car. How old is Wicky? Like, he's got to be about 10 or 12. Oh, no, puberty age. Transformers don't know about my changing body. Excuse me, Mr. Hot Rod, my dick has hair now. He's being raised by these Autobots and then finally Optimus Prime comes

and graces them with his presence. He's like, oh my God, Optimus Prime is back. He's getting attacked by the Decepticons. He's like, Optimus Prime,, our Jesus figure, the hero. The Anakin of this story. The Anakin of the story. He's going to be so cool. He had a sweet fight with Megatron.

And then he dies. And then he's got to watch him turn black and white and die. He's got to watch a truck die. The father figure to all Autobots and every child born in the 80s, me included, we have to watch him die. It sucks that that kid will grow up, like, not ever trusting a car, you know? Or anything.

Yeah. Anything machinery can be anything. It could all be people. And you know that they're people, they're cars capable of death. Yeah. Hey, in the 70s, we had to struggle with the fact that

the southern green is people, but now it's machines are people, there's coffee cups. Cars are people. Cars are people. Cars are people. Cars are people. Everybody, stop driving. Don't go inside the car. And so he's got to witness, like, you know, Optimus Prime.

The best of us die, and that's got to be just heartbreaking. And then he's got to go on this, like, wacky adventure to space, which is kind of cool. He gets his own Transformers suit so he can become a car for a bit Oh no, now this rules I've turned, I like this Watching Optimus Prime die though That's like a big thing

Imagine you're at the event You're at the crucifixion Yes! Finally! My time travel machine worked Let me huck a stone On the cross Hey! Is that you Jesus?

Which one of you is Jesus? Oh my god there's a lot of you No there's two of them There's three There's three at least There's three on the cross But I'm pretty sure two of them are both called Jesus Oh no

I feel like it's a sea of crucifixes I also I know as much about Yeah because I'm pretty sure there's good Jesus and bad Jesus Which one of you is the good one? I just think that's just wrong. No, no, no. It's not the same person. Isn't one of them Saint Dumas? No. My understanding...

Are you thinking of Barabbas or whatever his name is? Maybe the one that were like, hey... Free Barabbas? Yeah! I thought his name was also Jesus. They were like, hey, we're going to nail someone to the cross. I see. Australian Catholic upbringing is doing us wonders. Hey, there's this guy on the cross,

and everyone used to love him, but now you hate him. And there's this guy who's a real piece of shit. We'll let one down. Let the piece of shit down. Yeah, Barabbas or bad Jesus. Let bad Jesus down. That was before the cross It was just two criminals How good is it to imagine

Getting to the crucifixion And it's like a sea of crucifixes And you push one And it dominoes Oh no And I get back in my time machine And flee Wait

This shouldn't have any problems Was he not even on the cross No It was with Pontius Pilate Okay now I know my But who's Saint Dumas It's cause he's like one

one one of Deuteronomy the cat the cat from cats now I gotta remember bible studies I hate this

that cat is the devil but also maybe an angel it sends someone to heaven it sends the old cat to heaven there's two dickheads next to the old mate and the old mate's like one of them guys

like hey your dad's fucking god save us and he's like yeah shit or whatever and the other guy's like don't of them guys is like, hey, your dad's fucking God. Save us. And he's like, yeah, shit or whatever. And the other guy's like, don't worry. We deserve to be up here. That guy goes to heaven. That guy goes to hell, I think.

Hey. That rolls. I've been thinking about upbringings. Yeah. It's a bit of a side, a little bit of side. It's a little side journey. It really got me thinking. Jesus is upbringing.

Oh, great. It was all right. Same problem as Anakin. He got a whole bunch of frankincense, myrrh and gold Yep What does a baby do with those? Well, eats Puts it in mouth

And rubs on self Yeah Okay Golden baby Actually, I guess we don't know much About Jesus as like a little Wee lad He has that moment

Where he's in In like the temples And he's sort of like Starts talking to scripture As a wee lad And then suddenly he's 30 Jesus Suddenly 30 Oh no And now a quick word From our sponsor in, like, the temples, and he sort of, like, starts talking scripture as a wee lad, and then suddenly he's 30. Jesus! Suddenly 30!

Oh, no! And now a quick word from our sponsor. But while I have you here, have you heard of our sister podcast, Shut Up A Second? I'm not in it, so already we're off to a great start. Jackson hosts it, and it's just comedy without the pretense of pop culture garbage. So if you're tired of us talking about a Star War, a current Avenger, or that Harry Pot Pot bloke, why not check out Shut Up A Second? There's currently almost 300 episodes of pure, unadulterated nonsense

available on iTunes or directly from our website, sandspantsradio.com. Jesus is the same problem that I have with Star Wars. Jesus is in an elevator having a conversation. And he's on the cross. You were the chosen one. But he has the high ground. I was good, Jesus. You freed bad Jesus.

Oh, no, when he was on the cross, some guy was like, I shouldn't be up here with him. He's better than me or whatever. Yeah. I don't know. I wasn't there. That's your dream, though. One day you will be there. One day I'll go.

Back to Daniel. Keep telling us about Daniel. So he gets a little exosuit that he can turn into a car for a bit. That's kind of rad, right? That's bad, because then you have been a car. Not only do you think all cars could be people, now you've become a car. Then he goes off into space and has be people, now you've become a car.

Then he goes off into space. That's some kind of space adventure. Being a car can't feel good. Or maybe it feels sick. Maybe it's like a mech suit. Okay, so does it transform? It transforms, yes, but there's like a little dome bubble he can see out of.

Oh, that's heinous. He's kind of like looking up to the sky, almost like a pig looking up to the heavens. That is the worst thing you've ever made me imagine. I've become a cat! I'm a cat! How does a dog break his spine? He has a mech suit, right, like a robot suit,

and then he'll hit transform, and then he'll crouch into a car. Oh, no! And then just zip around. He must cramp all the time. Oh, heaps. So then he goes into space, and then his good friend,

I guess he's absent father figure, Hot Rod, becomes the new, gets the Matrix of Leadership. Sure. And becomes Rodimus. The Matrix of Leadership. I'm there. He gets that, opens it up, and becomes Rodimus Prime, but now becomes literally the Autobot full of responsibilities,

and so he doesn't have time for Daniel. Oh, I thought you meant Daniel became Rodimus. Nah. Well, let's take a brief moment to explore becoming a man whilst the Transformers are there to help you out. Yes. Let's role play. Okay.

Who would you like me to be? I'll be Witwicky. Okay. You can be Optimus Prime. You can be Rodimus Prime. I'm from the dead. I'm Rodimus Prime. I have the matrix of leadership.

Hey, Transformer dads, listen to me. Radimus Prime? Can I be RC? Okay. Some kind of, like, female figure there. Great. Yes. I jizzed the bad. What is jizz? I'll show you. Is that an oil? No,

I jizzed it out of my penis. What's a penis? I'll show you. Hey, this is bad. I have this. What's going on? Can you read a book and help me? What is this? I'm a car and I'm driving away.

Come back, Rasmus Prime. I also transform into a motorbike and run away. Ah, see, I need help. I'm going to go over and jump. Me Grimlock be Grimlock. Me Grimlock. Grimlock, I'm going through puberty as every boy must. I transform into a Tyrannosaurus Rex and run away.

Come back, Grimlock. I'm Optimus, not Prime. What's his name? I don't know. I don't know. The one that turns into a gorilla. Anyway, I'm that one. I thought it was Optimus Prime. Optimus Prime, mate. Yeah, I don't know The one that turns into a gorilla Optimus Prime

I'm that one Hey I'm becoming a man I'm turning into a gorilla Come back Prime Optimus Prime I'll be blue I've already had the door I've turned into a car I wish someone would help me with this train

Hello Megatron I'm becoming a. Hello, Megatron. I'm becoming a man. I hit you with my sword, killing you. Oh, no. If maybe I'd had not frightened away my Transformer parents with my puberty, I would have lived. That felt like a weird moral story.

Yeah, look. Okay, so no good is the takeaway there. Yeah, I just think there's no other humans around him Yes, it's bad At least Anakin had humanoids Some of them, yes, were like He's humanoid Is he?

If you go through puberty, Watto is going to be like I don't know Where's your egg sack? He's going to shit eggs out of his flaps or whatever Watto is horrible to imagine To imagine going through puberty Flaps or whatever. Watto is horrible to imagine. Behold. To touch. To touch.

To imagine going through puberty. Yeah. To imagine any of his stages of life. He is like, okay. Imagine him shaving. Hey, hey. In episode three, he's like there with a beard or whatever. Now imagine Watto shaving to be clean shaven. Watto kind of feels like.

Like shaving a toad. shaving to be clean shaven. Well, water kind of feels like... Like shaving a toad. So, like, water kind of feels like it goes Bob Hoskins, Wario, water. Like, that's the evolution. Yeah, absolutely. Hey, can you imagine Wado searching...

So he's got, like, a punnet of eggs. Yeah. Punnet? Yeah, a punnet of eggs. And he's searching them to see which ones are the good ones, and his gross nose is like and he can tell and he eats the eggs whole yeah

that's what I just imagine the eggs are soft yeah Annie if you leave an egg in vinegar overnight eat my soft eggs

Annie vinegary hate that yeah so I think being raised by cars little orphan Annie. Wait, does he ever call him that?

Probably not. Little Annie. Annie. The sun will come out tomorrow. I don't know if that's from the musical Annie. The sun will come out tomorrow. That's right. But being raised by trucks, it's no good.

It treats you very poorly, and you don't end up a normal, well-adjusted human. Because even if you're like, oh, yes, I'm around cars a lot, I can become maybe a mechanic in my later... No. No. You've been around Autobots.

They're dudes. You don't know what's under a car, like a regular car. You don't know what's inside them. They don't have the same feelings as you. You wouldn't even know how to drive. You'd just hop into a car and be like, cool.

Oh, my old car was a guy. Hey, buddy, why aren't you moving? Buddy? And then you'd tap it and you'd be like, oh, no, I'm inside a dead corpse. I'm in a corpse. And then you'd have an accidental crisis. Remember Optimus Prime dying? But Optimus Prime goes black and white.

So if you're getting into a car and it's not black and white, you'd assume that it's just being rude. Wait, wait, I've never seen this. So Optimus Prime dies and like a bug, the colour drains from him. Does he go crispy and if you touch him, he just becomes ash? No one touches him. I want to say yes.

Someone should. But yeah. I think you would be like, oh no, I'm in either the, this Transformer has died, or like, oh no, they're dying and then you've got to try and give a car CPR. You're socked on an exhaust pipe?

That's not how I would give a car CPR. That's how you beat out a car. That old man is dying. Turn him around. Turn him around. I've got to give CPR. This will wake him up. Oh wait, there is like historical evidence

that that's what blowing smoke up your ass comes from. Well, there you go. You know what? You got it wrong. So we're just sucking on that tailpipe that's going to wake up from this promo quick smile. Look, you're about as smart as we were in the 1800s. blow and smoke up your ass well there you go you know what you got wrong so we douche is sucking on that tailpipe it's gonna wake Optimus Prime up quick smart look

you're about as smart as we were in the 1800s whilst watching Optimus Prime dying and wit wicky crying over his body and you just hear like a

please stop blowing into his tailpipe I'm gonna bring him back to life imagine it worked so what kills Optimus Prime because I also

Megatron does Megatron also die is it the classic well what happens is so there's a fight and they both

kind of injure each other for all those 90s kids out there that don't give a shit about Transformers it's cool that we're getting a recap of Phantom Menace

to revenge and a recap of Transformers that's great let's not forget also we got a recap of the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. Only 90s kids remember.

Only 90s kids remember. So yeah, they have a fight with Stan Bush's You Got the Touch. And they're both fighting each other. They've got a bomb-y knocker and a sword, and they stab each other. But it's all energized. Sure. Optimus Prime gets mortally wounded,

but they all just have to go and fuck off. and as megatron's like i'm dying star screams like out the astro space jet and then you know um what's his name unicron picks him up and he's like you're gonna be a new lad that sounds too complicated for my child brain so okay so it's similar to the Doomsday Superman thing where they both die, but then there's a different ending because Doomsday isn't brought back by a planet. Superman God. Yeah.

To be like, you are now... You're Superman now, basically. A different guy. Yeah, you're now a different guy. And alive. Do you reckon that... You've got a big gun arm. Donnie Witwicky or whatever his name is

will ever leave the Transformers to live? Like, is he going to get a job? Well, no. What kind of job will looking after Transformers prepare you for? Just looking after Transformers. No, but not mechanic because you'd look under a car and be like, where's the guts? Where's your Autobot pain?

But, like, what I mean is that, like that is he going to ever live a life? You know what I mean? Well this is why every single Witwicky seems to be like a lackey of the Transformers because I have no other skills. I guess we're going to be the lackey of the Transformers. At least in the Michael Bay films they explore the fact that Sam Witwicky has no career

options. He's always broke and he's always looking for work. And he hates the Transformers. It's kind of great that in those movies Sam Wickey's like, you ruined my life! My mum thinks I'm having a wank because of you! You have human balls! They don't have human balls, but they

have like truck balls. Do they? Yeah, the Transformers. And Bumblebee pisses on the annoying FBI guy or whatever, but that's crazy because he's a dude. He knows what he's doing. Imagine knowing a guy that just happily pissed on authority. That's intense.

Maybe the Michael Bay movies are the classics for a reason. Maybe they are. How many absent stepdads we're given? It's pretty rough, but it's like otherworldly rough. I can't conceive being raised by cars. I'm going to have to go 2.5 absent dads, I feel. I think I'm going to go three because it's bad, but I can't. I don't think we have the science to find out how.

I think that it's so bad at points that it becomes ridiculous and you're desensitized. I think so. Because I think when he gets to his mid-20s, he's just going to be like, I don't know what I can do, but I know I can become a car. And then he's just going to be like a race car. And then career opportunity Uber driver.

Yeah, well, I was just thinking, imagine a sad... He's a fella. Five stars. Imagine a sad Transformers thing. My car was a fella. Five stars. Hey, I'm just going to get it done. Okay, yeah, yeah, okay, yeah.

It's so sad to imagine slamming that Uber sticker over the Autobot sticker on the back of the car oh like all the other transformers leave except daniel and bumblebee or whoever his car was and they just wheelie or wheelie and they just drive together oh that's tragic oh that is okay so let's say we settle on three absent three absent dads and just sad yeah okay extra sad like an extra sad dad, you know? Well, I'm picking Indominus Rex from Jurassic World. Oh, brave, not a guy. The genetic dinosaur created by InGen to amuse the park goers.

Yes. I'm aware. So, Jackson, for anyone who isn't aware, which is not us, because we're big Jurassic Park heads. I'll give a recap of Jurassic Park world. Yes. So, they've opened the park, but they don't want to just sell regular dinosaurs because who cares yeah so instead what they're doing is

they create a new dinosaur out of other dinosaur bits and they're like this dinosaur will be the greatest attraction ever it's violent it's dangerous that's what the people love that's sexy we put it in a tiny cage and then we barely pay attention we give them one lazy security guard to look after it and one evil scientist and then Indominus rex

gets out, kills some people dies like a dickhead but as the Indominus rex you don't know that you've given a lazy security guard you're smart, I guess you do know I'm like, these people have neglected me. I'm the cleverest dinosaur there ever was.

But this dinosaur is also kind of an uber mensch. Yeah. Made from all the best bits. Yeah, but it doesn't have a nice home. It's the elephant. It's not raised. They're like established. You're right.

Look, hey, the question that we're discussing today wasn't, is the Indominus Rex good? No. You're right. Look, hey, the question that we're discussing today wasn't... Is the Adonis Rex good? No. In fact, it was which character had the worst fictional upbringing? Yeah, so he's in an enclosure that a human... They're like, hey, you can have... Basically a slave, similar to Anakin.

Anakin, that's true. But a slave for entertainment. Yes, exactly. Like a performing circus animal that they've tied up. Like an ape that is handcuffed to a clown. Yes, exactly. Like a performing circus animal that they've tied up. Like an ape that is handcuffed to a clown. Yeah, exactly. Wow! What an image! Holy shit! I need to

take a moment. The clown's smoking a cigarette. That's terrifying. And the monkey's got little symbols. In my mind it was just a really sad chimp and I was like, I've entered the wrong part of town. In my mind it was a real sad clown. The ch was like I've entered the wrong part of tech I'm glad it was a real sad clown the chimp loving it

maybe the clown's tied to the chimp the chimp's like the clown's in danger you think the chimp is tied to the chimp but it's not the clown so basically

you're the clown in the situation yeah absolutely and also it's established later on that the Indominus rex is a social animal because it like

hangs out with the velociraptors and does little ah ah ah to each other or whatever that's my later on that the Indominus rex is a social animal because it like hangs out with the velociraptors and does little to each other or whatever that's my dinosaur noise that's a bark no no no that's the dino yeah it kind of does like a

you know I can't stop mocking me look at me I'm a raptor but it's established let's just make a chicken noise it's established he's clucking.

You hungry, fella? Excuse me. What noise does a cat make? You know the cat. I'd like to hear your best impersonation of a raptor, then. Yeah, that's what I thought. Oh, that's good. Douches isn't bad. Damage isn't bad. No, that's good Douches isn't Damage isn't bad

No that's fair But we know that The Indominus Rex Gets on with raptors Like it has a good time With them But it's just left alone In it's cage

It just seems quite lonely Yeah And what noise Does it make in it's cage Mark that was pathetic it's sad it's sad it is sad

and then it they bring in Chris Pratt and they're like Chris Pratt's gonna talk to you in Raptor he points at one and points at the other

he's like hmm yes pointing Raptor this is gosh oh bluey yeah and then it gets out you talk to red

you talk to green you talk to me me I'm talking to, you talk to red. Red, you talk to green. Green, you talk to me. Ah, me. I'm talking to blue now. Blue to red. The whole thing is just pointing in a direction going, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. But he's so handsome. Consume.

That's how it should have ended. Then the Indominus rex gets out and eats the park. Which is pretty neat. But none of our other people that we've brought up, our other childhoods, have ended in a sweet revenge. Anakin, oh, well, Anakin does kill all those kids. And then all the Jedi. Yeah, that's a good point. No, that's fair.

And then he does end up killing Sheev. Yeah, that's true. He kills all his father figures. That's a good point. Well, he doesn't kill water. We don't. Time kills water. Time kills water.

Or maybe a bat. We don't know Time kills water. Time kills water. Or maybe a bat. We don't know. One of them Tatooine bats. I meant a bat as in like a... Like a baseball bat, but yeah. A bigger water coming and grabbing water out of the sky and flying off. There's always a bigger water. They get feral the bigger they get.

I can also imagine Jabba the Hutt eating him Me too He's like a snack for Jabba the Hutt What noise does Jabba make? Right? Jabba the Hutt What noise does he make? Jabba the Hutt

Oh yeah but it's like real deep Because you can imagine like the young Waddle Dee You're really good good at job of the heart but can't do a dinosaur what's going on um yeah so the rat friend he's got he's great he's me he's who i identify with in the star wars trilogy um but yeah so the indominus rex i don't know it doesn't really have a father figure and it's only... Does Chris Pratt have a father figure? It doesn't have a parent figure at all and it's only put on stage like it's only created,

its sole function is to be entertaining and it won't be entertaining. You know who this is sounding very similar to? King Kong. Yeah, it is like King Kong. Except King Kong not a baby. Yeah, and King Kong... He's pretty young though. His mum and dad die. That's true. King Kong not a baby. He's pretty young though. His mum and dad die. That's true. King Kong is a baby.

How old? King Kong is baby. King Kong big but little. King Kong big baby. Big? Yeah. But little. But King Kong must have been raised. King Kong raised by New York. Yeah, King Kong baby because maybe like, is it Marion? What's her

name? Marion, yeah. Maybe we're all thinking like, ah yes, he's loved. No, King Kong baby because maybe like, is it Marion? What's her name? Marion, yeah. Maybe we're all thinking like, ah yes, he's loved. No, motherfucker. Maybe. Maybe. I miss her mum. He's put out his hand and he goes, ooh. But that ooh means mum. That ooh means I miss you mummy. I'm sad.

Well, King Kong must have been raised by bigger gorillas at some point. Yeah. So then his upbringing, has it ended? Because he's no longer being brought up. He's fending for himself. Then he climbs up, but then he falls down. But can he parent, say, die? Yeah.

Is there a version of King Kong where he doesn't die? Where he just keeps going. Climbs up to heaven. It's also good to imagine a King Kong where he doesn't die. That means he gets to the top and then gets down and walks back to the island King Kong's always leaving what's the plan now Kong

he's going to do that lovely shame climb back down gentle King Kong tiptoeing around the 1920s cars does King Kong kill people? he eats them just like the Indominus Rex but I guess if I'm. Does King Kong kill people? Yeah. He eats them. Good, just checking. Just like the Indominus Rex. Yeah, but I guess if I'm

arguing that King Kong stopped being brought up when his parents died, the Indominus Rex, I guess, stops being brought up when it leaves its cage. But Indominus Rex is also, how old is it? It's pretty young. Can the scientist be its father? Yeah. If you're grown in a lab,

Frankenstein lab Frankenstein That's a Frankenstein's monster That's a pretty bad upbringing It's kind of the Indominus Rex It's kind of the same thing Hey if you don't name your kid Is it Frankenstein rules? Like if I have a kid and I'm just like I'm not naming this kid

That becomes Joel's monster Joel's monster If you had a kid but you didn't name it I would have to refer to it as Joel's son Or Joel's daughter Or Joel's monster Joel's monster yeah well if you had a kid but you didn't name it I would have to refer to it as Joel's son or Joel's daughter or Joel's monster yeah

or Joel's if you were like no Jackson it's my monster when the little kids like playing up and ripping things like nice

Joel's monster Joel's monster for some reason yeah that's good yeah but yeah no Frankenstein monsters are terrible

it's kind of your dad's like ah kill it imagine being made and you're like well okay first i gotta deal with the fact that i'm alive that's rough that's hard to deal with but i got it and then your dad's like yuck i shouldn't have done this that blind girl is like let me read you a book and he's like yeah raised by blind girl by blind girl. Kills blind girl. No. Frankenstein's monster. Dad hates. Meets new mom. Kills new mom.

Yeah. Scared. Demands wife. Gets wife? No. Gets almost wife. I don't know. Doesn't get wife.

Meet young girl. Dad changes mind. Meet young girl. Pet head. Chase dad. To the Arctic. Yeah. In the Arctic meets sea captain. Meet young girl. Chase dad. To the Arctic. Yeah. In the Arctic, meet sea captain.

Pretty good day. I love Frankenstein's monster's diary. It's good. It's good. Interesting. Well, how many absent dads are we going to give the Indominus rex? I just don't know how, like, it's just, I mean, it's lonely. Yeah, it's just, look, it's not...

But, like, his dad, I'm guessing, is, like, one of the scientists, and the scientist's there. Dog in a gutter. My analogies are real weird today. It's like finding a dog in the gutter that goes rab and you gotta put down. Yeah. That's sad. It's sad, but I'm not gonna be like, oh, that dog's

parents. I had a bad's parents I had a bad opera I had a bad opera The dog had a bad opera Yeah Because I don't know Is it nature versus nurture Well that's the question Is the Indominus rex evil inherent

Or is it raised wrong Or was it raised good Because the raising was part of the creation And scientists were like We're going to give it a good brain That's true Maybe Yeah I made it make The problem was it was too smart It's like a whole flowers for algernon and scientists were like, we're going to give it a good brain. That's true. Maybe. Yeah.

The problem was it was too smart. It was like a whole flowers for algernon beers. Yeah, I suppose. It was too smart for his own good. They'd made the Indominus rex a bit more of a dumb fuck. None of this would have happened. Exactly. They'd raise it with a dog brain or whatever,

had a look at the doors and been like, fuck. That's not happening. A dinosaur with a dog brain is scary. It's cool that they started mixing. They're like, all right, we get some reptilian DNA, frog. Chuck some dog in? Yeah, chuck some dog in. Yeah, chuck some dog in.

Let's see what happens. A dog brain would have fixed a lot of that problem. That's true. Put a man's brain in it. Nah, worst person. Well, there are some fan theories that it's got human DNA in it, and that's why it's so clever. That's pretty rough, upbringing-wise.

I don't know if human DNA makes you clever. You've got heaps of it, Jackson. You're dumb as shit. I've got too much of it. Do you reckon if you were in the same position as the Indominus Rex, you would have done the same thing? I mean, I would have been mad. If they were like, ladies and gentlemen, it's the Jolls.

I think I would have been mad. I can camouflage. You're saying you'd be annoyed to work in show business or a performer. No, you've been genetically bred by InGen scientists. To be a clown. Yeah. So you're like, you look in the mirror and you're like, this fucking goose point won't come off.

You're a terrible clown abomination, the two of you. So Pugalici or whatever his name is. You're Puglaichi. Yeah, because you've got to appeal, the two of you. So Pugalici or whatever his name is. You're Puglaici. Yeah, because you've got to appeal to the lowest common denominator. But, Doctor, I am the indominious Rex. Yeah, would you get angry, flee your cage and murder people? I would get angry, maybe flee my cage, maybe not murder.

Performing feels good sometimes. Wait, am I rewarded? Again, if I gave him the dog brain, they could have given him a bit of meat, scratched him in the belly, and away he goes. Scratching a dinosaur in the belly after feeding it meat is scary. People are nothing if not meat. It seems like they really neglect the Indominus rex.

There's nobody at the cage when people go to, when they're like, hey, Chris Pratt, here's the Indominus rex. There's just one guy. I feel that's less about like a terrible upbringing and maybe like... Terrible park security. It's almost like Jurassic Park slash world is a bad idea. It's like dropping your kid off at like say a childcare and the staff at the childcare are crap.

They just aren't there. Yeah. You look after my baby, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go on, they're fine. I don't know. Leave, leave. Maybe it's the kind of thing where it's actually

just Jurassic World's problem. Like, they've got so much going on, they can't pay attention to the random genetic experiment they've got over in their minds. Their one headlining act. Yeah. Well, maybe it was a bad idea. I would hate to see the Indominus rex. It's camouflage anyway.

Well, it's just boring. Here's a hot thing. Dinosaurs, except for the big, like, brontosaurus. Who gives a shit? No, but the audience They wanna see them carnivore If they'd made the horrible clown abomination Here's a fucking thing

Zoos occasionally do live feedings You know what everyone does Fucking hates it Because it's awful to see Yeah it's rough You don't wanna watch a lion eat a fucking giraffe That's bad No no no no

There was that Yeah there was that zoo And then they had to kill a giraffe and they fed it to lions and everyone could watch and no one was happy. There were so many complaints and outrage because of it. Exactly. But also, you don't

know. I mean, I know this is just ragging on Jurassic World right now. I don't know. Brave call. I know a lot. You don't know every dinosaur. Okay? That's a bold claim, but I believe it's true. Give me a dinosaur. Just name one. A pachycephalosaurus. I know a lot. You don't know every dinosaur. That's a bold claim, but I believe it's true. Give me a dinosaur. Just name one. Pachycephalosaurus. I know it. I feel like that was a trap.

Give me another one. Stegosaurus. No, I know that one too. Maybe I'm wrong. But imagine the three of us are at Jurassic World, and we've been looking at the dinos. It's been a great day. We're sunburned. It's a hot day. I forgot to bring a hat. It's Isle of Natura or whatever

yeah exactly sure and we see Isle de Muertos Isle de Muertos the island for pirates of the Caribbean that can't be found

except by those who already know where it is that doesn't make sense anyway continue so pirates are dumb as hell shut up pirates

you're not even good you're just thieves with a boat. Fuck. You just... Fuck. If any pirates are listening to this, they are going to be living.

Fuck, man. It's crazy to watch pirates get called. No, you're not. That's what makes it so powerful. That's the hottest take. But if we saw the Indominus rex, I don't know enough about dinosaurs to not know that that's a new animal

It's kind of like when you go to the zoo There's an empty enclosure Or it's an enclosure but you can't see the animal Because of like it's camouflage Or it's asleep or whatever You're not like wow You're like onto the next enclosure Yeah exactly you look in for a bit and you're like

Oh there's the big cat up the back If only I had a big stick I could poke it with. Yeah, cool. And then you leave. It'd be the same thing. I'd be looking in and I'd be like, I guess this was fine. I know that back there we can literally ride them. So let's spend all day there.

Yeah. If I see a dinosaur, I want to touch a dinosaur. You know? I want to hold one of those brontosauruses around its big neck and choke it out. Not allowed. No, I want to punch one of its necks. Oh my god. It's like a swan's neck.

You know a swan's neck is almost evolutionarily designed to be choked. Everyone talks about the existence of the banana is the proof of the existence of God. The swan's neck is proof of God. It fits in the palm of your hand. Something about it. That's why the queen protects them all

She wants to break all of the medics themselves She's like if I didn't put a rule down Everyone would Everyone would It's just a whole big thing So not only is the Indominus rex neglected And raised wrong If everything went to plan

No one would care and they'd probably put it down Yeah at least give it some people Another one to play with everything went to plan, no one would care and they'd probably put it down. Yeah, at least give it some people to, like, another one to play with. Yeah. At least the raptors, just to chill with. What happens if you put two in a thing? Do they fight? Well, they only made one.

Like, idiots. And also, I don't know, if you've got the ability to make mutants, make mutants, you know? Yeah. If you've got the ability to make terrible abominations, crimes against God. Yeah. Make a snake with a man's head.

What happens? You have the power to spit in God's face. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me some kind of big worm with an arm. Yeah. Oh, a worm that has a worm's head but an arm as a tail. And it climbs trees. It just holds onto trees.

One big hand. I imagine they were just like, we made the Indominus rex, but we turned the leg genome up like crazy. And it's like a caterpillar dinosaur. And I'm like, this is all right. I still can't get over a worm with a hand for a tail. That's good. Just like a powerful arm.

Are you imagining it walking like a thing? No, I'm imagining it like, so sir look when you're looking at this my elbow is its head so it's like kind of just like that yeah and is the tail okay yeah I see that I see yeah see all of these would be great yeah the indominus rex boring for a head but then it has worm mouth no so a hand then worm body then a thumb yes the thumb is like fingernail pointing to the sky. And you know what's great about that? I can make it happen.

You're not going to fucking kill me. Or mine. It's horrible if it does. You wake up being choked by a worm. Oh, no. No, no, no. It's big, boys. I'm not saying...

Look, I've solved... My one biggest thing about the anonymous Rex, their size. It might kill you. No, like, I didn't solve the killing problem It might kill you But it's cool It's great to see it And we're like

Can we make it big You're like Well how big can we make it We talk We talk as big as a car No no no no I'm like 40% big

You're like Well we can go 50 40% big You're You're Bloody 70% big Might as well go

60, 70, 70% big might as well go 60, 70% big and look 70 I prefer round numbers so let's just suck it to 100 let's call it 100% big

by then 100% everyone's like that's 100% but we can go bigger double or nothing it's 100% big

it's nothing but this giant mutant arm that chokes us all and we're like damn if only that had a better father figure if you create two they can clap

aren't you glad we didn't make the Indominus fracks that would have sucked so I guess that worm had the worst upbringing of all us us being like what if he was bigger nah look son if only you were bigger

you wouldn't be a disappointment to me. It's thumb mouth scream. It's about that wide. Like the size of a big tree sliding in. I've given it vocal cords for some reason. Papa! Papa! Yeah, look.

Why did you make me so big? You say big, I say small. We could have made you bigger. And to be perfectly honest, it wasn't my decision to stop. Sacre bleu. Where you are. I wanted at least another 30% big. But here we are.

Am I a worm or am I a man? You're a disappointment is what I'm trying to say. a worm or am I a man? You're a disappointment is what I'm trying to say. Sad, salty worm tears rolling down his beautiful pink cheeks. Well then

papa goes dead. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel Thanks for listening And if you want to follow us on Twitter You can find us at Sandspants Radio Or you can find us individually I'm at Douche13

I'm at OldDogsOfDead And I'm at GodDammitZammit If you want to hear our other shows You can head to SandspantsRadio.com And you want to hear our other shows you can head to sanspantsradio.com and you'll find all our other content there there's heaps and if you want to support us head to sanspantsplus.com

thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time good night for now but not forever kisses