Plumbing the Death Star - Who is the best F*R*I*E*N*D? (Feat. Mr Sunday Movies)

Episode Date: June 5, 2015

In which our heroes will be there for you when the rain starts to pour, slap a reserved sign in front of an ugly orange couch, and drink far too much coffee while wondering who is objectively the best friend in F*R*I*E*N*D*S? In a process of elimination spanning several categories, we look at which F*R*I*E*N*D would dominate in a fight, who is arguably the best actual friend and unanimously agree that Ross is just the worst. Duscher tries to determine once and for all if Rachel and Ross were actually on a break, Zammit finds the ultimate woman in Monica, James goes in to bat for Joey’s kind-heartedness and Jackson just wants to make it through the episode without choking to death. It’s a case of keeping your F*R*I*E*N*D*S close and your F*R*E*N*E*M*I*E*S* closer, as we try to survive the episode without a marriage proposal from a dinosaur obsessed sad-sack.Want to help us get insurance to dance in fountains? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in the quality of our waterproof gear.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least one book about the seven erogenous zones, according to Monica Gellar. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sanspence Radio. Sucking dick doesn't make you gay, it just makes you cultured. Are you looking for a fourth member for your barbershop quartet? I'll do it. I'm pretty free. Email us at sanspenceradio at gmail dot com and I'll get back to you. I'll start singing now. For everything else, including links to our other shows, our Twitter and our Patreon account, head to sanspenceradio dot com. Hey guys and welcome to another episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like Who is objectively the best friend in Friends? I would say, who is the best friend? Hey guys, and welcome to another episode of Plumbing the Death Star. Where we ask the important questions like, who is objectively the best friend in Friends?

I would say, who is the best friend? Of whom of which? Of whom of which is the most... Objectively, of whom of which is the best friend? Should I say, of whom of which? Objectively, of whom of which is the best friend? It works enough. Okay, so I think we're talking about friends from F-R-I-E-N-D-S, of course. That's what you should refer to that show as.

Like, oh, hey, guys, there's an F-R-I-E-N-D-S repeat on. Let's watch it. It's like MASH, but friends. Yeah. But, okay, who is objectively, so this isn't a subjective, this isn't who you like more, the best friend. And I feel like we should separate it into categories. What do you mean by who is the best? Okay, physical prowess.

Okay. So, like, raw athleticism. Okay, raw athleticism. Raw athleticism. Physical power. No, they're the same. No, okay, good. Raw athleticism. Raw athleticism. Okay. Raw athleticism. Physical power. No, they're the same. No. Okay, good.

Raw athleticism. Friendship. Like as in who is the best friend. Mental prowess. Mental prowess. No, that's very dumb. Dexterity. And dexterity.

Maybe not that one. No, dexterity. Good. Good. Okay, so let's start with the raw. Raw athleticism seems like a good place to start. Raw athleticism. All right, let's see.

Ross. Ross is immediately super low on the raw athleticism. No, Ross works out. Yeah. Chandler is super low on the raw athleticism. Yeah, Chandler is either fat or cocaine skinny. He's yo-yo. He's up and down, mate.

But should we let his personal life... Because the character of Chandler is not a drug addict. Exactly. No, that's a good point. But he is a smoker or an ex-smoker. Yeah, that's true. And his weight fluctuates wildly. Yeah, so I think he's...

And he's always stressed. And he can't rollerblade from memory. So his body is a mess. Monica is an interesting one because she was fat. Yeah, true. But now she's thin, which means that she would have had to do something about that. Great willpower.

Great willpower. But that's not Royal Athleticism. That's not Royal Athleticism. So if you put Monica in like a basketball game or an obstacle course, how long would she do? The Thanksgiving episode, the one where they play football. Yeah. Really, it's sort of already answered for us

because it's between Ross and Monica. That's a really good point. Yeah, because Joey, he's like Italian fat. Like he's been eating a lot of pastas, lasagnas. You know what I mean? He's not running. Mama's spaghetti. Mama's spaghetti.

Nonna's tasty ass meatballs. So he's out of the run. I bet he has an amazing constitution or whatever. What is it? Yeah, constitution. Where your body metabolism. Metabolism, yeah. We can call it constitution if you like.

The American constitution. So are we just going to do D&D stats? Like constitution, dexterity, strength here? Is this what we're doing? No. Damn do D&D stats Like Constitution, Dexterity, Strength Is this what we're doing? No, D&D is for nerds So Are you saying that it's out of Monica I think it'd be out of Monica and Ross

I would say that Monica is scarier than Ross as well I think she could psych him out Yeah, if it's an actual direct competition Rachel runs though Rachel runs and so does Phoebe. Wrong. No, but yes, Phoebe runs wrong. Phoebe's out of this as well.

Phoebe is... Can we say that? We just did. Phoebe has clearly got, like, illicit drugs past as well. Like, she's homeless. You never know. Like, it seems like it. She seems like she smokes, is what I'm saying.

Where does Phoebe get her money? Where do any of the friends get their money from? I'm where does Phoebe get her money where do any of the friends get their money from I'm pretty sure Phoebe gets her money from porn barons yeah and

excuse me her sister because her sister Ursula is a porn actress but she kind of gets I'm pretty sure she gets some checks for it

because she uses her name yeah or did use her name yeah so Phoebe's sister Ursula used Phoebe's name and there's this weird fan theory about the time when her apartment gets burnt down weirdly Or did use her name. So Phoebe's sister Ursula used Phoebe's name. And there's this weird fan theory about the time when her apartment gets burnt down.

Weirdly, it's sort of all connected to some sort of weird porn baron getting revenge. Because she kind of goes and fucks up the porn barons from memory. So Phoebe, she's not to be messed with, but in a race, in a one-to-one race between the friends. Well, so we're going to go with a foot race? Yeah, let's say a foot race. Raw athleticism. So, like a sprint. A sprint. Rachel's going to win. She's the only one who's shown

running. I don't think so. I think she's too kind of dainty and precious. Yeah, I reckon Monica. I think Monica wins. I think Monica in terms of physical... Raw athleticism. In a foot race, Monica. Alright, fisticuffs then. Monica. I reckon Chandler would fall like a sack of shit.. All right, fisticuffs then. Monica. Yeah, Monica.

I reckon Chandler would fall like a sack of shit. Oh, my God. Chandler. He's probably a big Italian family, a lot of wrestling. No, but I also feel like Joey might be like a one-punch kind of guy. Like, you hit him in the jaw and he's done. A bit of a glass cannon? Yeah, a glass cannon.

You know? So, like, he can dish it out, but he can't take it. He can't take it in. He's like, oh, gee. No, also, he's an actor. He'd be so scared of being hit in the face. I feel like in the past, he's mentioned how afraid he is of getting hit in the face.

So he might just not participate. I feel like in Friends, yeah, he's shown as like, ah, stay away from me kind of thing. You know, my face. My face. My money maker. Money maker. Yeah, so I don't think he's even participating in the fight.

Yeah, no. He's probably like, you know what? I'm happy to come last. Fucking no. You know who'd win? Who? Phoebe would win in a fisticuff fight. Why would Phoebe win? Yeah, because she's fist fight. He's probably like, you know what, I'm happy to come last. No, you know who'd win? Who? Phoebe would win in a fisticuff fight. Why would Phoebe win? Because she's scrappy. She's scrappy from the streets. She used to beat up Ross

when he was a kid. Yeah, she did. She was a bully. Yeah, she bullied Ross. This episode is just like fucking Do you remember that episode of Friends? Yeah, I was going to say, it's like, Sans fans let's lose their Friends trivia. Yeah, so yeah, I reckon going to say, it's like, Sandspan's Let's Lose Their Friends Trivia. Yeah, so, yeah, I reckon in Fisticuffs, Phoebe, but in a foot race, Monica.

No, but if it was, like, if it's not, like, a street fight, I reckon Monica would win. Like, if it's a wrestling match, Monica would still put Phoebe. Like, with rules. With rules. Oh, with rules. But then she's getting out in a technicality, so. Yeah, Monica will win, but no one will be happy.

No, because, like, raw athleticism, it's not just, like,ity. Yeah, Monica will win, but no one will be happy. No, because like raw athleticism, it's not just like who can be the scrappiest, because otherwise we'd be saying, let's raid our friends. Who's the scrappiest? Yeah, true. Phoebe, clearly. Phoebe or Monica.

No, Monica's close like a cage fighter. But what you've got to think about Monica is that Monica used to be fat, right? So that means that Monica has probably a weird idea of... You know, like fat people who were really fat and then get really thin? They have kind of an odd idea of where their body is. Yes. So she'd probably have that going on, a bit of that dimorphism, what do you call it?

I had it in my head, then you said dimorphism. Constitution, I think is the word you're looking for. Constitution. Is it metabolism? Yeah, her metabolism. Body dysmorphia? No, but I think that's anorexia. Basically, she's going to be a bit uneven on her footing.

She has phantom fat. Yeah, she's got phantom fat. Thank you, Dusha. That was the word you were looking for. Phantom fat. Fat also spelt with a P. Or phantom spelt with an F. Your call.

Okay, but where does that put? So are we saying that the person with the highest level of raw athleticism Is Monica Let's rate them Monica at the top Ross No, Phoebe Monica, Phoebe

Yeah, Monica, Phoebe, Ross Because Ross doesn't do anything He's all like a He's sexually frustrated working out He does karate Exactly He does, doesn't he? Yes

The thing with Ross is he's a big old bitch Yeah, exactly He's a big old bitch Which is why he's third Yeah Ross is he's a big old bitch yeah exactly which is why he's third down that line and then what are we saying like Rachel Chandler Joey? Joey Rachel Chandler yeah Chandler's down the bottom no but Rachel runs

that's like she might have dynamite legs she does have dynamite legs hypothetical cage fight. But in the cage fight. Grabbing her neck with her legs and slamming them into the ground. Take that, Joey! She had a nose job, didn't she?

So she doesn't want to get like... I think in a cage fight, she's also going to do the Joey move and run away. Exactly. Like, you know, someone's throwing... Again, football match, someone throws football to Rachel, she doesn't know what the fuck to do. Exactly, exactly. She has no...

Yeah, because you get raw athleticism that's not just strength yeah that's not just scrappiness it's all of them it's all of them together and I think Monica

is clearly at the top yes but we only need to really rank the top three really don't we yeah and then we can do it the rest of them

how many friends are there is there enough for each letter no there are six friends six friends oh there is sorry yeah seven letters

damn it yeah they really fucked up well if you count the blonde guy. Who? Gunther? Gunther from the Central Perk. Gunther? Gunther.

No, it's Gunther. Gunther? Gunther? Gunther. Is it Gunther? Shit. I was like, so hot board. It was like, no, it's Gunther.

Now I have no idea. Gunther? Isn't that the penguin? I was going to say, one's a penguin from Adventure Time. No, no, no. It's Gunther. Yeah. It's Gunther. The one who holds a torch for Rachel. a penguin from Adventure Time no no no it's Gunther yeah it's Gunther the one who holds a torch for Rachel

exactly exactly but let's not count him in this no no no he's not the ultimate friend objectively he's not the superior friend he happens to be there but he's not invited he's not a friend

they kind of hate him yeah they do so he's clearly not a friend he's the Ian friend's enemy mental that was the dumbest thing I've ever said okay so like mental prowess. Ross is a professor. He's there.

I think that might just... I think that's it. Joey's a fucking idiot. Joey's down there. Are we talking like Wileys as well? Yeah, like Street Smarts count as well. Phoebe's gonna have some Street Smarts. Chandler's pretty witty. He's always on the... Yeah, I mean, that's an intelligent.

It's just like dry sarcasm. And everyone knows sarcasm is the lowest form of humor. Nah, it's the best. Shut the fuck up. My belt is undone. Sorry. That's okay. Sans Pants Radio, it's part of our thing.

Belts come undone in the studio, whatever it happens. Belts come undone, pants come off hey, make yourself at home there's no rules here Chandler seems well researched about the world and what's going on in the political he kind of seems like the only one who's kind of beyond the little

cul-de-sac that is the fronds I remember that Czech joke he makes that I can't remember but I know he sort of makes it and he's the only one that laughs at it. Yeah, because he gets it. Yeah. I think with Chandler, though, he's also got that thing where he's a cunt to all his friends because he thinks he's above them mentally.

Yeah, that's true. Like, he's like, I'm the smartest one. But he acts kind of dumb. Chandler's a cunt. Maybe he is the smartest one. Yeah, but, like, Monica, let's... I don't like any of the firsts. No one knows what his job is.

Yeah. Or do they? For a long time, they have is... No one knows what his job is. Yeah. Or do they? For a long time, they have no idea. And then what... He works in advertising towards the end. Fuck yeah, Mad Men. Yes, Mad Men is the secret to France. So Jon Hamm is the ultimate friend, is what we're saying.

I reckon Chandler will be up there. Chandler, I think it's Chandler. But Ross is an idiot. He is. He has no street smarts, but he's like book smart. Yeah, like remember the time he got the spray tan But he's like book smart Yeah Like remember the time He got the spray tan And he got it all like

Eight times on the one side Yeah And he got his teeth whitened Yeah He's got a bunch of stuff He's kind of dumb Like he's yeah You're right

He's got book smarts But like he doesn't know What he's doing Yeah And he's cocky And he's like I know how to name All the states of America

But he doesn't No he doesn't at all He knows shit He knows paleontology, and that's it. I'm going to cough. Also, his wife in a three-way is just clearly... I wouldn't mind some water.

That's okay. It's dusty? What's dusty? The water. Oh my god, why did you give me dusty water? James, why? He's like, I don't like the taste. It's dusty? What's dusty? The water. Oh, my God. Why did you give me dusty water? James, why? He's like, I don't like the taste. It's dusty. It's good.

So in Ross's, like... Once more, you're out of the episode. Okay, I'm good now. In Ross's failed marriage. Like, he doesn't twig that his wife is clearly a lesbian. And she, like, goes off and does a whole lot of activities and goes away and stuff. Is that right?

It's really telegraphed. And he says the wrong name at his other wedding. He does. He gets married a lot. He's actually the biggest doofus of the Frosts. Yeah, he is. The biggest, dumbest, arsehole friend Frosts. So we're putting Phoebe, Chandler.

Phoebe and Chandler. Chandler. Chandler number one. Phoebe. Anybody else? Phoebe's kind of Chandler Chandler number one Phoebe anybody else Phoebe's kind of she's ditzy but she's got street smart

but she doesn't get a lot of like social cues and she can play guitar not well but not well and the song

she writes is shit and she doesn't know how to like she doesn't know the notes but she knows like chicken claw

and that kind of stuff Rachel she knows how to she knows chicken claw and that kind of stuff. Rachel. She knows how to sail. She's super ditzy in high school. She's just got rich white girl smarts. I bet she knows how to ride a horse, too. The most useless smarts in the modern world. I can sail.

She can definitely sail because she takes Joey out and teaches him. On a sailing trip, and Joey gets mad at her about sandwiches. I remember. She's one of those like people at high school where never had to develop these kind of skills because she was good looking

but I think she does later when she because she goes from being a waitress to like some kind of executive or something

yeah yeah she becomes and then she almost goes to France yeah but then she doesn't she gets clever but it's like

she just reaches basically par with the rest of the so I don't think that counts really I clever but it's like she just reaches basically par with the rest of the franchise so I don't think that counts really I feel like it's just Chandler

hey it's Monica though most improved most improved if we're handing out awards most improved Joey

Tribbiani best and fairest but Monica in terms of mental prowess yeah she's cluey she wins every game. She runs her own business.

Exactly. She knows what to do when to try and get like, when the restaurant people aren't on her side. She knows to hire someone and then to make a fool out of them and fire them to get them on side. So she's a little manipulative. Yeah, that's true. She's clever.

She puts up with Chandler's shit. She does outwit Chandler as well, doesn't she? Yeah. You're right. She's on top. I think Monica's, like, in sitcom ways, she's like the wife, but it's like the super clever wife

and the man thinks he's the cleverest. But incorrectamundo. Like, everybody loves Raymond. Who is objectively the best everybody loves Raymond? The dad. That's his name. Frank Barone. Frank Barone is the best. Everyone loves Raymond. Frank Barone is such a good old man. Frank Barone Frank Barone is the best everyone loves reading Frank Barone is such a good old man

Frank Barone So in terms of mental prowess And I'm realising now we should have gone through the friends Not the categories But here we are That would have been so much wiser Monica Chandler

Phoebe Just going down. Phoebe's cleverer than Rachel and Joey and Ross. Well, no, again, Phoebe and Ross are on a similar thing. They're just the opposite sides. You're right. One's super street smart, but

ditzy with brain shit. And, yeah, what you said. But they're both fucked socially. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, friendliness. Who is the objectivity? Oh, no, no, no. But they're both fucked socially. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, friendliness. Who is the object of the day? Oh, no, no, no, no. When I said this category originally, I like the idea of who is the nicest friend.

Who is the best to be a friend of? Does that make sense? Who is the best actual friend? We've gone strength, physical stuff, mental stuff. Now we're talking socially. Yeah, socially. It's Joey. There's an episode where he gets,

the robber breaks in and he gets put in that box, or the cupboard, and he feels bad the whole time that Chandler, that he's let Chandler down. You remember that? Yeah, he's like, can you get a, I'm selling this thing, can a man get in? Yes, he can. He locks, gets locked in, apartment gets stolen. Exactly. I mean, Joey's got a heart of gold. He never has really a bad thing to... Exactly. Chandler

will sleep with your sister and lie about it. Yeah, exactly. Joey happily looks after Rachel's kid during that time. He's the nicest guy. Joey was prepared to marry Rachel just so she wouldn't be alone. And also, when Chandler gets with Joey's sister,

he's not like, fuck you. He's like, did you just fuck my sister over or do you actually have feelings yeah yeah feelings he's like welcome to the family new best friend or well he was his best friend but you know what i mean like your brother-in-law kind of whatever yeah yeah so like joey has like there's nobody that he has a bad feeling towards he's having to look out for everybody you know he's selfish sometimes though like the reason why he's thinking about like chan like all the time he's fucked over ch like the reason why he's thinking about like Chandler like all the times he's fucked over Chandler

is because he has fucked over Chandler a bunch yeah that's true but is that just his own stupidity yeah kind of but he's also really vain like think about

yeah like when he comes to all the actor stuff every plot line involves him acting he's just a kind of a kind of a d-bag yeah he can

yeah he can be but like he's he'll always put it aside for his friends yeah you're right he wouldn't have to do it at the expense of someone else.

Exactly. That's the resolution of those episodes. Isn't Phoebe pretty nice? I don't know. Is she? No, but see, the great thing about Phoebe is that she tells it like it is. There's that episode where she's like, hey, these are the problems with you guys. And she just says it straight out to Monica and Rachel.

Rachel's definitely not the one. No, Rachel's mean, and so is Monica, and so is Monica and so is Chandler that's three straight off the bat done where does Ross fit in Ross is also sort of like he'd try and marry you didn't Ross and Joey sleep with each other's girlfriends

at the same time did they? that sounds like I believe you that sounds like a hotline of a late 90s LHU TV show. Lana. Yeah, her. Because he was dating his paleontologist friend. Yeah.

And then she liked Joey, and Joey was dating someone else, and they, I can't remember what happened exactly. Yeah, like, what's her name? Lana from. Aisha Tyler, yeah. Aisha Tyler, yeah. Yeah, she was dating Joey, but then Ross had the hots for her. I think also, like, Ross will lie.

But Ross is a liar. Ross keeps things from the rest of the friends. Like, Joey keeps things. And Ross was prepared to give up the friendship of Rachel for American lady. Oh, yeah, exactly. British lady, yeah. So Ross has, like, no loyalty to you. No loyalty.

Worst guy. Could be the worst friend. Could be. Yeah, Ross would has, like, no loyalty to you. No loyalty. Worst. Worst guy. Could be the worst friend. Could be on the, like, the other end. Yeah, Ross would be the worst friend. Chandler's second worst. Also, Ross, you know, they break up with Rachel and he immediately sleeps with someone else. Yeah, exactly.

They weren't on a break. They weren't on a break. I'm sorry, Ross. Come on, the world. The world needs to catch up. Yeah. Oh, actually, no, I disagree. They were on a break, but it was inappropriate.

Yeah, all right. I'll pay that out. They were on a break, yes, but it's not like a 24-hour thing to sleep with someone else. The problem with on a break is, the trick with that is if you're on a break and you do anything, goodbye relationship. Yeah, he should have known that on a break

doesn't mean like, hey, we're done. It means like it means like let's take a moment to think we're spaced yeah so like 24 hours and you know have sex with a copy girl yeah don't do it ross you idiot you did it you're an idiot behavior blind he doesn't know that's true he doesn't know he's an idiot so are we saying in terms of social you know friendliness niceness there we're going, I guess, Joey, Phoebe. Monica? Monica? I mean, Monica. I feel like Monica is, like, everyone's always in their apartment.

That's pretty nice. And she puts some of her own personal stuff, her weird OCD-ness aside for people. She makes Joey all that jam! I was going to say, she makes, yes. She's very fond of Rachel. Yeah, she's got yeah she's very she's very she's very fond of Rachel yeah she kinda looks

she's kinda very motherly in a way she looks after them that's why I might even fucking put her second fuck Phoebe down to third yeah cause Phoebe's

kind of a bitch sometimes like not on purpose and flaky she's very flaky she owns it but she's flaky yeah yeah so I guess

fucking Monica but then again even okay if like I swapped girlfriends with one of my friends and I was unaware that was happening Yeah. Yeah, so I guess... Fucking Monica is... But then, again, even... Okay, if, like, I swapped girlfriends with one of my friends and I was unaware that was happening... Yeah. I still think banging your friend's girlfriend,

even if they did the same thing to you, not a great friend move. No. No. Monica, number one. Number one? Again? I think that you guys have let me steer my clear prejudice

towards Monica way too much in this episode. No, I still think Joey. I still think Joey. I think Joey has the best interest. I'll put Monica at two. I'm not happy. Because with the whole best friend, like with Ross and thing,

that was a mixed thing. And that wasn't exactly... It was a weird time. That wasn't Joey being bad. That was Ross being a dick. Yeah. And Joey got caught up in it. I think...

What's her name? Monica imposes too much of whatever she wants to do on you as well. Monica can be a bit annoying. Very competitive. Not that much fun. You see often the friends come around to hang out with Monica and it turns out they're cleaning.

But again, Monica's always willing to put that aside when it's pointed out to her. Not crumbs in the bed, none of that. Crumbs in the bed is gross. Don't eat in the bed, you know, none of that. Crumbs in the bed is gross. Don't eat in your bed, everybody listening. If you are in your bed and eating now, turn this episode off, you are banned.

Un-subscribe. If you eat toast in bed, I want to slap you. Well, it's okay to eat in bed. Spaghetti? No! Jelly's fine. Yeah, jelly is fine. Only scrambled though no only scrambled and with your hands

hard boiled but none of this runny yolk shit no plates spaghetti and no plates cereal's fine but be careful have no milk

to be safe jam in a jar and a spoon I think is fine don't overdo it with how much you're getting out though. Yeah, so be careful. Pretty much, okay. Rule number one, don't eat in bed. Rule number two, if you have to

eat in bed, be careful. If there are like terrorists that have a gun to your head and they're like, eat in bed or your country gets it. Get a stable table. Yeah, get a stable table. Still have those? Yeah, they all knew what they were talking about. We knew what you meant.

Alright, and the last category that we decided on was dexterity. Who's the most dexterous friend? Should we get a definition of dexterity to start off with? Makes you good at archery and ranged attacks. So archery and ranged attacks.

Also lockpicking and rogue skills. I feel Rachel would be very good at archery. That's a rich white girl skill. It's like fine motor skills, is that right? Actually, wait, no, Rachel can't catch a ball.

She has none of that. Her trying to do archery, get somebody an arrow in the dick. And the wrong person. I feel like if Rachel or Beau are giving somebody an arrow in the dick. And the wrong person. I feel like if you give Rachel a bow, you're giving Ross an arrow in the dick. Exactly. Are we getting a definition of dexterity here? Skill in performing tasks, especially with the hands. Monica.

Nimbleness. My gal. What, Monica? Monica is very, like, because she can cook and all the decorative cake stuff she does. Chopping a thing real quick. Joey ham-fisted. He doesn't know what he's doing. He can control a remote and barely. Probably unaware that he has arms.

Exactly. Him trying to control Mac and cheese, that thing, the robot thing, he fucks up the control. He has no idea what's going on. I feel like Ross doesn't know how to pleasure women. And that takes a certain element of dexterousness, let's be honest. So I think he's low as well.

You need some hand eye coordination. You need some hand eye. You can't just be shoving your hands about and hoping for the best. Close your eyes, hope for the best. Yeah, exactly. He seems like a classic Ross movie. Can we just, as an aside, talk about how,

even though I think it's never stated, everybody just knows Ross is bad in bed. So you can just tell. Best lover? Best lover. Let's add a new category. Nah, Joey would be so selfish. Joey's sleeping with so many women.

He can't be that selfish if that many women are like... He's an actor. Yeah? Yeah. You're saying all actors are selfish lovers? Are you saying Richard Gere is selfish? Richard Gere is nothing but love for you. I'm saying he's an actor,

so that will probably make it easier for him to pick up women. I suppose. But no, some of the women don't even know he's an actor. George Costanza picks up a bunch of ladies. He'd be rubbish in bed. Doesn't mean anything. He's got beautiful hands. Yeah, he does.

Former hand model. So you don't even know what you're talking about. I reckon Monica would be terrifying, and if that's your thing, that's okay. She'd be wild. Phoebe would be fucking off the chain. Phoebe would be like, I didn't know women had that hole. It's like Monica would be scary.

I don't know what to say right now, because I'm imagining like, yeah, Monica would be wild. No, Phoebe would be even more insane. Chandler, awful. He would lay there like a fish. Rachel, starfish. But Monica teaches Chandler what to do with the 8, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7. Oh, yeah, that's right.

That was another language to me. What? They have a model of a lady's vagina with numbers on it, and they're like, we're teaching you how to pleasure a lady. And then Monica's like doing a 1, 2, 3, a 1, two, eight, a one, two, four, three kind of thing. How humiliating for Chandler that Monica's like, hey, you're awful in bed. Let's get all the girls in to teach you at once. And then he's rough on old Chandler.

That's a weird conversation to be having with your friends. And then Chandler's girlfriend comes in like a blanket. And she's like, thank you, Monica. So I reckon Monica would be a very good lover. So I reckon Monica would be a very good lover. Yeah, but Monica would be a very good lesbian. Yeah. Yeah, maybe not so great. Easy mistake to make.

But, you know, she'd be very giving. She'd be around her vagina. Yeah, that's good. That means she's aware of her own sexuality. You know what you want. Probably. Yeah. And quite frankly, I kind of like a bossy woman that tells me what to do.

I'm just Monica. Yeah, no, Monica was my choice too. But again, for different reasons. You've got a Monica bias. I've got a Monica bias. Love me some Courtney Cox. Let's be honest though, like Rachel Ross worst. Oh, yeah.

In terms of lovers. Rachel would be sort of like, because I feel like Rachel would see herself as a trophy. So like in bed she's just like, you've feel like Rachel would see herself as a trophy. So like, in bed, she's just like, you've earned this, so you can do all the work. But she does dress up like Princess Leia. For Ross, she does. So she's happy. Oh, imagine that. That would just be the worst.

Rachel and Ross, just like, ugh. It's just like, but so Rachel is willing to fulfill a fantasy. Actually, no, wait. Monica is willing also to fulfill a weirder fantasy because she dresses up like a shark when she thinks that she catches Chandler jerking off to sharks. Monica is that dedicated to her love life with Chandler

that she will go to some... Fuck, that's an extreme... With no prompting. She's not like, we'll have a discussion about it. She's like, I'm on board from the get-go. If that's what it takes, I'll do it. Wild and bad. Wild and bad. But not scary wild.

I'll happily splash around a tub for you if this is what you want. That's what she'll do. So Monica is just amazing. Are we saying Monica is objectively, hands down, the best friend? That being said, I think hanging around with somebody all the time is

bigger than dexterity. Even though she wins, I'd rather sit with Joey or Chad. Yeah, I agree. Monica is objectively the best friend, but personally I'd like to hang out with, like on paper, Monica wins. Joey wins the friendship award. Don't get us wrong, but every other category. We're not talking about that, are we?

I feel like if all four of us were existed in the Friends universe, we'd always be with Joey and Chandler's house. That'd be okay with it. Oh wait, I just realised that Joey and Chandler lived together, right? For a bit? Yeah. Cool. For a long time. I cannot comprehend what

hogs were wearing in your head. Wait, wait, wait. They were living together? Yes. Good. No, because it was just... No, I panicked. I was stressed. I panicked because I was like...

I knew that I said Joey and Chandler a bunch, and then I was like, wait, Chandler and Monica live together. No, it's down the track. But no, it's down the track, but yeah. And then I was like, maybe it's Joey and Ross that live together. I think everybody lives with some. Everybody has some. Oh, God, and Ross could be the worst

because when you're living with, okay, who'd be the best roommate is another kind of thing because Ross would be the worst. Monica. Because Monica would be the worst roommate.

She does a lot of the cleaning and stuff. She does all the cleaning and she cooks. And she likes cooking so it's not like she'd be like, I always cook. She'd be like,

hey, I'll cook tonight. Ross has the humidifier on. He gets everyone to pay for it and shit. Yeah, fuck that. And he gets all smug. He gets everyone to pay for it and shit. Yeah, fuck that. And he gets all smug.

Joey gets a duck. Hey, that's alright. And a little chicken. That's pretty good. That's right. I feel Joey, yeah, he's like... Joey would be fun. If you're like, this isn't my place, who cares?

If it's your place, maybe you'd be like, that's a duck shit on the floor. When you're living with Joey, you just dump spaghetti on the floor, but not too much, or else it's a waste of food. Yeah. No, you dump spaghetti on the floor, then you wake up at like 2.30 in the morning to like knock it about, and you open the door and Joey's eating the spaghetti off the floor. Yeah, and you're like, don't waste it. Don't waste food.

Yeah, but you're right, it can't be your place because if I'm at a party and there's a duck and a chicken, holy shit, tonight's gonna get great. But if it's my house... That's my house buddies rule until you throw one. Because I remember my brother

when he was like 16, 17 came home one night and on his handlebars of his bike was a plastic bag and in that plastic bag was a cute little kitten and suddenly we're like, now we own a kitten. Mum's like, you piece of kitten, yay. Piece of kitten.

And I feel that's kind of what Joey is. He's irresponsible and now I have to look after a kitten. And even though that kitten's adorable, I'm kind of annoyed at you. It's still a bit of a shame. Did you keep that kitten? Yeah. Good. What was its name?

Well, my brother called it, what was it called? He called it Psylocke at one point. And then, you know when you have a cat and you just call a bunch of names and then it just eventually, I don't know what you're talking about. When you have a thing and people call it different names and it's just being cat or pussy. So I don't know, just being pussy. And then when you have your mother going like, you know,

calling out in the middle of the night, just calling for pussy, you're like, oh, Jesus Christ. This was funny until other people said it. It's pretty much what you went through your head. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to do the same thing with my son. Everybody's just going to call him pussy. I think it's called a pussy.

Exactly. I think its first name was Tulip. Then it went Tulip to Psylocke. And then it just went Pussy. Psylocke to Pussy. Tulip, Psylocke, Pussy. Natural progression of things. My brother once brought home a baby duck and a baby chicken.

I'm like, why do you have this? And he goes, they're like three bucks each. Like, that's not an answer. And I've just been watching a bunch of friends. Is your brother Joey? Yes. I like that we're like... I just put it together.

That's so weird. I like that we've gone Monica and Joey and everybody else we've basically fucked off. Ross we've put at the very bottom. Ross would be the worst person to live with. Not even Ross. David Schwimmer would be the worst person to live with. Get out of here, Schwimmer.

Go home. I love that. Ross is a weak, stupid, friendless idiot. Weak-willed as well. Extremely weak-willed. He's like, this relationship is going well for about three weeks. Marriage. With fucking Ross, look, David Schwimmer as well.

I can imagine him being the type of fuckhead where you're like, hey, David, how are you? He's like, everything's going pretty schwimmingly. That didn't even really make sense in the question. I'm so mad at you. This isn't being a thing. It's not becoming a thing. We're not going to say schwimmingly. That didn't even really make sense in the question. I'm so mad at you. This isn't being a thing. It's not becoming a thing. We're not going to say schwimmingly. Fuck off, Dave.

He's the worst character in Band of Brothers. Oh, do you guys ever see Band of Brothers? He directed the worst Simon Pegg film. Piece of shit. Did he? Ron Fatboy Ron has directed... Oh, he directed that, didn't he? But he was in a film called Breast Men,

which I remember fondly as a teenager because I saw a lot of breasts in that film. Well, I guess you have him to thank for that. Thanks, Schwimm. Thanks, Schwimm. That movie went down schwimmingly. At the end of the day, at the end of the friends day, the one of end of the day, yes.

The Uber friend. So the Uber friend, yeah, is Monica. Is Monica. Hands down. On paper. On paper. On paper, in theory, Joey? In terms of raw stats, Monica wins. But in reality, you know, with that human element

added, I think Joey kind of trumps. Personal preference for us, I think, also because we'd all probably get along with Joey the best. Plus, you'd be trying to bang Monica. I wouldn't. I would be. I already am. Joey has the best spinoff of all the friends. It's my fault.

That's also very true. Can we take away Joey's friend stats there just because of Joey? Be like, hey man, you earned best friend, but then you did that, and now no. Yeah. But how do they treat new people? How do they treat people that aren't immediately in their friend zone? The only person that gets let almost into the friendship cul-de-sac is Phoebe's boyfriend. Paul Rudd.

He comes in for a bit. They're like, hey, we don't hate you. Also, the other, the Russian one. Brad Pitt. In Minsk. Almost Phoebe's husband guy. I do not remember him. Do you mean Monica's boyfriend who's an older man?

Magnum P.I. Magnum P.I. Not Richard. He was Richard, wasn't he? God, Franz is great. It's a good show. Harry Shearer. The other guy from The Simpsons. Oh, I know exactly who you mean.

He's in Godzilla 98. Yes. Matthew Broderick? What's his name? Matthew Broderick! Oh, wait, are you talking about the one that's also in Smurfs? Matthew Broderick killed someone in a car accident once in the 80s. He sure did.

He sure did. In fact, he killed two people. He's the worst. And he went to jail for it. Hank Azaria. Hank Azaria, yes. Hank Azaria. Speaking of terrible people who have done terrible things, Mark Wahlberg.

He shouldn't have a career. No, he shouldn't. Anyway. He blinded a guy. Yeah. Racially. Racially motivated. No, apparently he was already blind, but it was a racially motivated attack. Wait, hang on. So, he didn't blind a Vietnamese man. He just beat up a blind Vietnamese man.

That's almost worse. It is worse. Yeah, no. The problem with that is, like well that's that's almost worse it is worse um yeah no the problem with that is like that's not funny that's not very good and he made the happening and he made the happening

and Transformers 4 and now that's more of a thing um also yeah Mark Wahlberg just remember Mark Wahlberg it's not that blind guy

but earlier the same night he attacked another Vietnamese man both times just for being Vietnamese that's not on Mark Wahlberg no and he fucking he was like ah do you not be great courts if you could just like forget about those crimes because i can't do stuff sometimes because even though i'm very rich i have a criminal record for being a racist hey he did reform i i hope if you reformed you can't unbeat

up a blind man i guess it's a takeaway message if you've reformed also, you should be like, I was the worst person and this is like a reminder of where I came from. But instead he's like, no, I'm rich enough now we can just forget about it, right? He was in I Heart Huckabees and I did like that film. I don't know. His arms are pretty big. Those farts! Yeah, he's pretty good.

He plays a guy. What's his character's name in Transformers 4? Cade. Is it? It's like Cade Wilson or something. I plays a guy. What's his character's name in Transformers 4? Cade. Is it? It's like Cade Wilson or something. I don't know. Sick. I forgive him.

Does friends end with all of the friends not being friends anymore? No. Monica and- They leave, though. Monica and Chandler adopt a kid and fuck off. And they move into suburbs. Joey goes to Hollywood. Joey goes to Hollywood.

Rachel and Ross end up together, I guess, in New York. For now. For now. And then Rachel drowns him in the fountain. And Phoebe and Paul Rudd also. So they kind of do. At the end of Friends, they're not going to hang out anymore, right? Not as much as they did in that.

That's actually why the TV show Friends has the dots in it. It's a symbolization of the separation. What they should have done is it should have been like Friends, and then that would have come up like f-r-e-n you know friends and then wait wait spell friends f-r-i-e-n-d-s okay then and then all of those dots should have just like drifted to the end of friends so it was like friends dot dot Question mark and credits. Do they have friends, other friends, or date anybody outside of their race?

They date outside of their friendship group, outside of their race. Ross has a black girlfriend. But no, they're all very racist. Well, not racist. It's just more, I guess they have a type. White.

Also, I've always said this, that Friends is a really odd homophobic show. Like, it's very pro-lesbian. Go on. Very anti-gay. But I think there was a lot of sitcoms in there. Yeah, I know. Will and Grace.

It was before Will and Grace. Yeah, it's very kind of like, hello! Like, you know, that's very funny. It's super indicative of the time. When Steve Zahn guest appears as Phoebe's ex-husband, he is a reformed gay. He's like,

I was gay, but now I need to get married to a lady because I'm no longer gay. That's not a good plot line. Is it like a joke? No. Basically, he was Canadian and he needed to get married to go into the country

to be with a dude. And isn't Chandler's dad also gay who comes out as straight? Yeah, no, no, no. Chandler's dad is transgender. Actually, yeah, in that sense. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. But generally it is very pro-lesbian but oddly enough very homophobic.

Like no matter what, they were having this argument about who was basically shitter in high school or whatever with sort of Ross and Chandler. No matter what Ross did, Ross would always throw back to Chandler, well, you made out with a dude. As if that was like the worst thing that he ever did. Just little tiny little threads. But same with like, there's a scene in Ace Ventura where he has sex with a woman, a man and vomits. He vomits, gets a plunger.

Yeah. Yeah. Which is, calm down Jim Carrey, you're all right. Yeah, it's fine. I'd completely forgotten about that scene.

Yeah, it's odd. The 90s. What? So friends Objectively So objectively The best friend is Monica

On paper Raw stats And Almost overpowered to be honest Oh yeah she's a bit opaque Yeah You can't win them all Monica But you did

Monica Opaque Well she She didn't put a lot of her stats In friendship No No social Her social skills No social stats.

I think she sort of sacrificed to build up her decks. Yeah. Dusha looks sad. She's basically the friend that just sat there rolling like 20 times. She min-maxed. For each fucking stat. Oh, my God. Yeah.

So much nerd happening right now. Dusha, please end this. On that dumb shit, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been Joel. I've been James. I'll be there for you if you'll be there for me too. Yeah!

And if you have a favourite friend or think we're wrong, let us know. Tweet in or sanspanseradio at gmail.com. or think we're wrong, let us know. Tweet in or sanspantsradio at gmail.com. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sanspantsradio.com.