Plumbing the Death Star - Who Would Die Quickest in a Horror Movie?

Episode Date: March 14, 2021

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Not the music a band. A baby. An old man. No, no, no. Not a baby, because horror movies usually don't kill babies, because they're like, whoa, that's fucked. You've got to possess them. Possess them, and then they do the kills.

Rosemary's baby. I had it all backwards. The omen. The other way around. The old man. The man gets his head cut in half by glass. That's sad. What a way to go. No, it's Plumbing the Deaths. It, dyke. Man gets his head cut in half by glass. That's, what a way to go.

No, it's Plumbing the Death Stars, the three of us. So it's Plumbing, the horror movie opens, opening credits, Plumbing the Death Star and spooky goosebumps font. Someone on off screen is like, woo! I'm in the cinema like, oh my God, guys, I'm fucking scared. If I close my eyes, will you think I'm a coward? Yes. You both lean in and say yes.

You whisper it angrily in my ear. Yes! Dude, you know movies aren't real. Yeah. But I'm in this one. Yeah, that's true. Is this real? Are we watching a real life movie?

Are we watching ourselves? Is this the premiere? Are we actors in this situation? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves?

Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves?

Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves?

Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? Are we watching ourselves? It's the opening scene. This is why I closed my eyes. I'm existentially terrified. Are we in this film? Do we know? Horror trope. Did we act already or are we watching it unfold? Are we playing ourselves?

If we die in the movie, do we die in real life? But the real life and this were in the movie. But the movies happen. If I look behind me, do I see a camera? Is this the movie do we die in real life but the real life and this were in the movie. If I look behind me do I see a camera? Is this the movie? Is this the film? Oh no. Are we opening up by the three protagonists watching a

film about us in a horror? I might go home. This is too much to think about. Hit by a car you die first. Well okay this is what we're going to figure out because it might be different depending what kind of horror movie. Yes. Because if it's a slasher film, I feel like that's got different rules.

That's two of its creature feature. You've also got those fucking wink-to-the-camera horror movies, self-aware horrors. That fucks everything up. Yeah, exactly. That completely changes. That would reverse it, presumably. So, well, let's pick one then.

We'll go Slasher first. I feel like that's a good beginning. It's the go-to. It started with Halloween and it's going to end now with Plum in the Death Star. Well, okay. And the movie. I would say in this one, the order would go,

I think Zammett would die first. I agree. Classically handsome. Yeah. Classically dead. You got it. They're there to throw off the handsome. Yeah. Classically dead. You got it. There to throw off the audience. Yeah.

To be like, oh, yeah, so am I open with me and doing some stuff and blah, blah, blah. And they think, oh, yeah, this is the protagonist who we're going to follow. Yeah. And then. Joel Zammett the Chad. Yeah, exactly. In the cold open. Yeah, cold open.

Chad, he's doing push-ups. Yeah, doing push-ups in the gym. There's a babe on his back, you know, for extra weight. There's wads of hundos just falling out of my pockets. I know, due in the cinema, I'm like, that's the main character. Joel Zammett, oh my God, you're the hero of this movie. That's sick. I wonder when they're going to introduce me and Jackson.

They're knifed through the back of the head. Or it could be very simple. It could be like the Joel Zammett chat or the Joel Zammett who is like you know getting on in life and he's like

I've got so much looking forward to I'm newly married I'm inside a family all those kind of things I hope that babe is your wife yeah

all these kind of things that are just kind of like oh yeah he's a hopeful person he's got a lot to look forward to this is what's

going to happen beheaded beheaded by the bigger knife yeah yeah yeah well i imagine if you're in the gym that's the kind of thing where somebody it's like from your perspective but maybe for some reason you got like you can't see and somebody's like well here's the weights man and you're like oh thanks for spotting me but it's too much it's too heavy and you choke yourself yeah well you go thanks for the weights and it's actually two knives and you choke yourself. Yeah, or you go, thanks for the weights, and it's actually two knives, and you cut off your fingers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it kills you somehow. Or like Final Destination style,

where I'm doing the kind of big push-up or whatever, and then two big weights come and clamp my face. My head goes pop, pop, like a grape. Or maybe like Final Destination style, you go to the pool to cool off after your workout and to towel off with the $100 notes I like to imagine Sam throwing in the $100 notes like bath bombs

maybe that's what happens, he clogs the filter and then he gets sucked to the bottom of the pool and then his guts get sucked out of his arsehole as Final Destination 4 style or in that Chuck Palahniuk short story, Guts that movie, not great that short story, bad Grizzly but not. That movie, the movie not great, that short story bad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Grizzly. No one's happy. Yeah, but not even like grizzly, grizzly can be good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What I like about Zama getting his guts sucked out his anus,

what I like about it, is that there's no bad guy, that's just an unfortunate situation. Who's doing this? Oh yeah, wait, wait, wait, no. We're just, we just established that happened because he threw the $100 note to the floor.

There's no slasher. Is he the... What film is this? Nah, that death is setting the tone. Is the slasher unfortunate decisions? Oh, no. We all die. In the cold open, we all die.

You get hit by a car by looking left twice and not right. Don't flaunt your... What's the message here? I'm at the road and I'm like, do they say look left or right or up and down? Again, if it was the three of us, I think yes. I'll be probably killed the first, but I don't think it might be the first death in the film.

I think there's going to be some establishing things where it might be the three of us together being like, oh man, there's someone killing all the people. Did you hear there's the plumbing killer? Yeah, he's killed so many plumbers. Like putting them on the suction thing and sucking their anus. Putting one over their face and one over their butthole and pressing both and then causing the guts to press in the middle

and then shoot out. That's a crazy way to go. It's not good. It fluids out both ends. It's bad. I think it's like decompression of the bends or whatever. I can imagine either way. I don't know how he's giving me the bends on dry land.

The radio head did not prepare me for this when I was singing about fake plastic trees. I am scared. But he's killing a lot of plumbers. So I reckon it's going to set up like, yeah, I'll be the main character. And then it's going to be maybe around the midway point Is then when I get My noose sucked off

So you're not the cold open death No The cold open death is someone we don't know It doesn't matter who the cold open death is The cold open death is basically a plumber Someone being like oh thank you so much Not looking behind them Thank you so much for the plungers

Ass crack out Yeah, exactly. Someone being like, oh, thank you so much, like not looking behind them. Thank you so much for the plungers. Yeah, ass cracker. Yeah, da-da-da-da. You see just the plunger on the arm. Well, okay, so it's a plumber that we've invited to the new studio to fix our filthy toilet. Yep. Because all three of us took one gigantic shit. It was, we all just like the Triforce.

Everyone back to back. Just sitting here, not doing anything all day. Do you want to take a Triforce shit? Yes! Instead of opening the sacred realm, maybe it'll just clog the toilet. Oh, and there's all three of us standing around it. Oh, I did. It's time to call

the plumber. Damn it. The plumber gets that's scary. That means the serial killer is in the house. that's scary that means the serial killer is in the house yeah it's not that much room for him to hide I don't know

the studio's pretty big it's pretty I guess so the roof the crawl space that's a roof and yeah and also we find the plumber

with his guts out his mouth and his anus yeah yeah and we're like oh no that's the plumbing killer did you hear

this is exactly what he does and then we're like like it we're like, oh no, that's the plumbing killer, did you hear? This is exactly what he does. And then we're like, lucky we're not plumber. Oh no. Oh no. Wait, because he kills with a plunger, is he... Also a plumber? Yeah. Is he a second plumber? Just a rival plumber. Is he called the plumbing killer because he... Is this us in the cinema

again? Is he called the plumbing killer because he is a plumber or because he kills plumbers? Or both would make sense too we know that guy we meant to know that guy I got him because his ass crack

was out a lot and I like that in a plumber is that what the plumbing killer hates revealed ass cracks

but the ass crack had to be so low that the anus was revealed I like it because he was overstuffing his tool belt

so it did drag his jeans down and it looked like he may have lost a little bit of weight because his jeans weren't quite as snug as last time I'd seen them. Did the plummy kill have to duck him a bit to get the plunger on? Maybe. This is a grotesque film. Also,

if we're watching this and this is maybe the premiere, is that guy here? Where is he? Is it just us? Where is anyone else in this cinema? Did no one buy tickets? Fair enough. Is there a camera behind us? I'm going to look.

Is this still the movie? How many people say that, because you're never going to get more than, I think, seven deaths in a... It's just out of nowhere. It feels right. Yeah, like in a, in a, it's just out of nowhere, but it feels right. Yeah. Like in a typical slasher movie,

which I guess we've kind of broken the rules of a little bit because it's rare for a slasher to kill in a way that we've described. Yeah. It's unlikely. Yeah. You'd probably get like anywhere between like five and 10 deaths. I would say so. So let's say seven,

let's like average it out in those seven. What, what number do you think you was? I reckon maybe number three or four okay quite quite a little bit late again around that midpoint or maybe even like going into like the fourth act yeah the famous fourth act how many acts are there in this movie five act structure he's got to the three act structure yeah i'm sorry it's not an extra act three act structure

Plus a bonus four There could be A bit of a fake out Yes There could just be like Ah He's like Oh we think he's like

Maybe the protagonist The hero or whatever He's acting quite suspicious It was his house Oh that's true He's the one That called up the plumber Maybe he is

The plumbing killer Yeah that's true And then I die Yeah Well see I think Because Obviously it is your house I think it's either that Where it sets you up Maybe you are the plumbing killer. Yeah, that's true. And then I die. Yeah. Well, see, I think because obviously it is your house, I think it's either that where it sets you up, maybe you are the plumbing killer, or you're like, don't worry, guys,

I will lie in wait and I'll be ready to kill him. And so you get out, maybe you trap your ass crack somehow. Yeah, like a big mouse trap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Back flies and gets my ghoulies. Ooh! Or just a gun between your cheeks.

And we're like, he's got it. Because the plumbing killer will come there and you'll squeeze your cheeks together and shoot him. And then I'll be there

bent over trying to fix a toilet. Ass just like waggling in the wind. Exactly. I hope I don't get a plum in me butthole, guys. The gun waggling

back and forth but then you see the gun fall out. Or we're in the studio, and then we hear a shot, and we're like, he got him. And then we go, and the gun's on the ground, and there's no blood, but there's a dead Joel Zammett. Well, there's a lot of blood. A lot of blood and a plunger on his mouth and arsehole.

And we're like, oh, my God. Oh, no, because then, you know, as the audience, you're like, what are the rest of the plumbing boys going to do? Yeah. That was their only hope. It is good. How about this, though? It's all shot in like a bit of silhouette. Oh.

So like on the shadow, you get like a little shadow there. And it's like a bit of my ass with a gun. Yeah. In between the cheeks. Yeah. In between the cheeks. And then the door opens. And I'm like, I've got you now.

And then I go, it's you. I gasp. The gun falls out of my ass crack. And then a plunger sound. It could only be better if somehow, and you're not angled for this, but the gun falls out of your ass crack and into the toilet. birds flying out of it you know from the top well if joel zammett is the first of us to die but diets in the mythical fourth act we're doing pretty well jack that's true i think you guys are doing great if zammett is death four death five say even, there's literally just the two of us left.

And you said there's seven deaths, so that's not good news for us. Exactly. So the whole film was just kind of like, man, all our friends are dying. Oh, no. And then it's just kind of like, yes. Have we left all the bodies in the toilet?

Yeah. Should we use the second toilet? No, I'm used to this one. I'm using the upstairs one now. I'm sick of looking at my dead friends while i'm trying to shit well i don't think that i am the survivor i don't think that happens to me but i think and and this i feel like checks out that i am maybe second last yeah a bit of a goofball yeah if you're a goofball and a slasher it's one of two ways and if you're surviving this one unfortunately it's gonna be the second one which is the people get suspicious of you true and it depends on the

tone of the slasher maybe i kill you thinking you're the killer and then i find out it's not you and then i get killed yeah it's the kind of you're like oh is he just obfuscating you know stupidity is is jackson not really a moron he's been the mastermind the whole time think about it yeah the way that the deaths are happening is the dumbest thing imaginable yeah maybe it's you and you're maybe you know you have the research section where you're like no killer could be this stupid you know and you're in you're in the library and maybe you look over at me and i'm eating a banana but i haven't peeled it yet i bite in and i'm like oh yuck oh what's wrong with this why didn't zamet shoot him? Maybe he knew the killer.

Yeah. This banana's really bad, dude. I'm sitting there being like, I'm going to have to kill him with a shovel. Oh, fuck. I come up, I'm like, hey, how's your banana? I don't think you meant to eat the peel. I guess I hit you in the head with a shovel.

What a way to go. From my perspective, I'm like, all my friends have died. I just had a really bad banana. I think I'm learning the nutty to peel. I'm in a library?

You were like, Jackson, I go to the library for research. I was like, as long as I can bring my banana and the whole car ride, I'm looking at it and you don't know why I'm looking at it. And when you get there, you realize I was trying, as long as I can bring my banana. And the whole car ride, I'm looking at it, and you don't know why I'm looking at it. And when you get there, you realize I was trying to figure out.

Is this one of the ones you've got to peel or not peel? Which is crazy, because what fruit don't you eat that has a peel? Is this one of the ones where you eat the peel, or you don't eat the peel? I guess the kiwi fruit, because you can eat the peel. I don't know how I would peel it. I don't eat the peel. I guess a kiwi fruit, because you can eat the peel. But I don't know how I would peel it. I don't know. But then sometimes there's fruit that has skin that's edible,

and I guess if someone could peel. Like a grape. Yeah. We can peel a grape. That is peelable. That's cherry on a grape. Was that real or from memes? And then I call the sheriff being like the plumbing killer's dead it was jackson

and they're like and then he's like no it can't be jackson because there was just another death and i'll be like that true that that pushes me that either means you survive or that pushes me and zamit down to zamit being third death, me being fourth. Alternatively, I don't... Well, no, because if I'm killing you out of suspicion, I die next. Yes, that's true. And then there's one survival. That's true.

Yeah, you can't... Unless you're making a real downer slasher movie, you can't... You can't have you kill me accidentally. Yeah, yeah. And then you survive. No comeuppance. Yeah, exactly.

It means that... Your Honor, I feel no remorse. And if you knew him- You'd have done the same. He was eating a banana with the peel as he died. And the deaths, you've got to understand, are the stupidest thing I've ever heard. They're somehow plunging someone in the anus and mouth.

And I don't know how that's killing them. Well, no, because he's pressurizing it. Somehow he's pressurizing it. He's pushing the pressure in and then out. And then in and out. It's just smushing the guts together in the middle. And then when he releases it, it goes out of the way. The judge is like, ew.

Yeah, it's real bad. It's gross, but it's the kind of thing he'd come up with. It makes sense that I killed him with a shovel. That's good as well, because that means that as we were driving to the library, you had the shovel in the back already. What's a shovel for? Research. Yeah, I got some suspicions.

Oh, okay. How do I eat this banana? What angle do I start? Do I eat it like a corn? I'm getting more and more suspicious of you because you're holding this banana and starting to sweat. What's he planning in there? He knows something.

He knows I'm onto him I've got to act quick Does a corn have a peel? You can huck a corn What's hucking? Is that kind of like No it's not hucking it's shucking Is it corn or acorn?

Acorns That's a nut Do you shuck anything but corn? Oysters. Look at his cold, dead shark eyes. I did surgery on a grape. Could I do surgery on this banana? Why did they do surgery on a grape?

Was it sick? Can a grape get sick? Have I eaten sick grapes? I gotta kill him. Definitely him. Definitely him. So then that means that your last moments have to be in panic because you think you got the killer, but one you've might. So is this, well, the thing is, is this a one where it's like,

oh yeah, 10 years later. Yeah, true. A big time jump. If it's a regular slasher, it's just like, I'd kill Jackson and be like, I got to go to the sheriff's office, be like, I got him. Like, no, there was been another death. And I'm like, oh my God. And then I'll come just like I'd kill Jackson And be like I'd go to the sheriff's office And be like I got him They'd be like

No there's been another death And I'd be like Oh my god And then I'd come back To the studio And I'd be like Defeated Well not really

So they didn't arrest you Huh Thank god I wouldn't confess to the Oh right Good point Good point Yep yep yep

Because I'd just say I caught the guy And they'd be like It's not him And I'd be like Oh let him go We trust you sir No need to show us any proof I get them with confidence exactly exactly and then I uh probably come back to the studio being

like god damn yeah that's true Joel Zammert's dead yeah wait was there three of us that can't be right well then I'm killed presumably by whoever the killer is and then whoever is another character that we haven't introduced kills them and then hooray, hurrah. That's how it goes down. Or it could be revealed, say, for example, in this particular slasher film, you come back and maybe a good friend like Adam is there

and you're like, oh, I killed... Maybe you don't know. Maybe you didn't get a call from the cops, but you come back and he's like, you're like, oh, I killed. Maybe you don't know. Maybe you didn't get a call from the cops. But he's like, you come back. Like, hey, Adam, I killed the plumbing killer. And he's like, oh, yeah. That's interesting because I'm going to kill you because I'm the plumbing killer.

Do you feel like taking a shit right now, Joel? Can you go have a look at the toilet? I think it's clogged. I'm like, the one with all the bodies? Like, yeah. I'm like, maybe someone's fingers or something fell in there. Of course. Happily.

I've noticed that your pants are quite loose. Do you want me to hold your belt? Well, if you could, it is weighing me down. Oh, no! The plumbing killer. And it ends. Yeah. The end, question mark.

Adam killed us because plumbing the Death Star has ruined his life. Fair. Judge finds all the evidence and is like, I don't see any wrongdoing here. I don't think any crimes were actually committed. Frankly good. Well, that's a slasher film. What about a creature feature? What do we think?

Is that different? Does it change the order? I think that I die first in a creature film because I think that I'm the first to try and fight the creature. Yes, absolutely. You've got too much confidence. You think you could defeat the gill man or whatever it's just the guy in a fucking suit a mud man also i guess when we're in the cinema watching us die getting plunged i would be scared i'd be looking at each other be like hmm i don't remember that and yet there i am dead on screen. This has only been 15 minutes.

Is there? Oh, we're in a creature film. Oh, okay. I guess it's an anthology. Yeah, cool. This is like in the olden days of movies. That's sick. Okay.

All right, so we're fighting Mudman? Well, I like the Mudman. We're fighting Mudman. Mudman's a great monster. We're in a swamp. It's underappreciated. It's a man covered in mud. It's good.

All right. So I think, covered in mud. It's good. Alright. I think, Dusha, you're right. I think you are the first person to... So are we in a small town, though? Where are we exactly? I guess we've got to be camping in a swamp for something like this to happen. It can't happen but creature features don't. They don't happen in town. They happen in the woods.

So we've got to be camping in a swamp. This is a Plumbing the Death Star retreat So we've got to be camping in the swamp. This is plumbing the Death Star retreat. We've got to work on our problems. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a team building retreat. We're doing trust falls. None of you are catching me. Yeah.

You're continually letting me fall in the mud. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're laughing. Me and Dusha, like, behind you, you're about to fall back. And we're like, another thing he does. This also pisses me off. Yeah, yeah. Let him fall in the mud for a fifth time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, oh, good one guys Alright, for real this time It's a trust exercise You've got to catch me at some point I trust you guys so much for some reason You've got to catch me Okay, three, two, one

Oh, come on guys It's good, Joe Hang on a second Oh, you spell again Why don't you listen to us, you big idiot? Alright, sixth time's a charm So, a gill you big idiot? All right. Six times a charm. So a gill man mud man? Yeah, let's say a mud man.

Man covered in mud. Comes out, attacks us. You, douche, I think even if you, one, you might believe it's fake. But two, you might just think that you can fight it. I can imagine these words coming out of your mouth. It's just a cunt covered in mud. It's just a mud man. And then you slosh into the swamp and

just get sucked grizzly down yeah come up as a skeleton yeah spit you out yeah but like a cartoon eating a fish exactly do his skeleton uh yeah throws it on the feet you know at our feet we scream run away we scream scooby-. Okay. Well, then who's next? Because I think with a creature feature, there's not as high a body count, typically. I think it's a bit of a survival now between me and you. Yeah. And we're getting hunted by the mud man. There's going to be a lot of near misses.

Maybe we might get injured. Like I might get a big hard bit of mud through my belly. Oh, no. Yes. I think in a creature feature, very specifically, there's instances where you like have an encounter with the monster, but don't die. And I think definitely it'll be the kind of thing where you get mud

through your belly, you know, as you do, as you do. And then I'll be in a position where I'm like, do I look after you or do I flee the mud, man? Leave me.

You can't fucking leave me. And I will leave you. You know how much I trust you? My fucking God. You let me fall in the mud. That was douche. I try to catch you every time, you fucking cunt. Fuck you.

And then the mud man will skeletonize you. So I guess in this one, do I survive? No, I can't drive. Well, the thing is, though, you leave me for dead, and you just don't see what happens to me, so you don't know if I'm alive or not. No, that's true. You do survive this one.

I leave you for dead, mud through your belly. I flee. I get in the car. I'm like, wait, how does a car work? And the mud man goes into the car, like the bonnet, through the radiator, into the airnet through the radiator into the air I'm like, oh it's pretty hot in this swamp, but I turn on the air con and the mud man's like

and I become a skeleton and then it cuts to you, and you pull the mud out of your belly and limp to the car and you're like Jackson doesn't know how to drive you push my skeleton out one last fall into the mud as a skeleton then you drive home and the mud man's still in the car well although that then it ends with like you know a bit of a mud kind of like review uh mirror shot kind of stuff where it's like you

know it looks at the the back of the car as like the mud kind of like yeah yeah very because that's a class you get that an alien you get that in all the uh alien they get the alien but you get that in a lot of creature features it's like... In Alien, they get the alien. But you get that in a lot of creature features. It's like... Well, we've gone for horror movies that the only twist is that there's no survivors, I guess. That's true, that's true. All right, well, that creature feature, easy. That was no question.

Yeah, yeah. I try and fight it, you do something stupid, Joel Zammett's like, this is dumb. I betray my friends and suffer the consequences for it. Confidence, betray, had enough. Yeah, exactly. Sick of it. Go.

Now, this is the tricky one and also the most annoying one. Yes. The wink to the camera, we've seen horror movies, and this is our horror movie, horror movie. Trope-friendly, Deadpool-ass, scream, cabin in the goddamn fucking woods. Yeah, so we've just finished watching our creature feature, and I'm like, I think this is the movie now.

I think this is the movie. This here is it. Confidently, us in the cinema watching the movie is the movie. This is the movie. We're in a different movie to the movies we just watched. They were movies, and this is also a movie. This is also a movie about movies. Where actors maybe.

I'm like, wow, I figured there might be a third act, but this was one of them two-act films. That's cool. Cool. I guess now we're the third act. And then the third act begins. It's the movie about the movie. And now a quick word from our sponsors.

I love ghouls and ghosts i unironically believe in sasquatch i spend too much time reading about unsolved crime and i've got no podcast where i can discuss any of this oh wait shit yes i do if you head to sanspantsradio.com forward slash plus for as little as five buckaroonies a month you gain access to jackson bailey spooks america the show where i try to explain an unsolved mystery or a monster sighting or a ghost story or whatever to the rest of sans pants radio who do not care or listen once again that's sanspantsradio.com forward slash plus to gain access to jackson bailey spooks america today so jackson with your character, you are dumb. Yes. And stupid. Correct. And annoying.

Okay. I'm bad to look at, resemble a gnome. Shaking hands with you is like holding a wet fish. Correct, yeah. When you wear shorts, I throw up. Although, much less recently than in the past. That's nice to hear. What was I saying?

No, so basically... Is this workplace bullying? Am I just getting chewed out right now? What's happening? No, so basically Your Archetype What is my horror archetype?

In one of these movies, you can go down two paths Because you can be kind of like the Randian Scream, which is closer To me and you together than just you because it's rare to just have a fucking idiot. A loathed moron. That's not really a horror architect. The world's most loathed man.

Or maybe like the stoner from Cabin in the Woods. Yes, I think that is. But that's also just Randy again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's the thing. He's more Randy than you. I'm sorry. I think in the that's also just Randy again yeah yeah yeah well that's the thing I think I he's more Randy than you I'm sorry I just don't see you

oh no I don't want to be Randy I hope Jamie Kennedy dies in real life I think I've said it before I've seen Son of the Mask it's bad yeah yeah I think I've said it before

but in my mind that character is Seth Green yeah I remember that Jamie Kennedy it's still Seth Green yeah for sure I can anything in of Seth Green

in Doctor... Not Doctor Evil. He plays Doctor Evil. Scott Evil. Are you thinking of Seth Green as... No, no. I'm definitely thinking... Austin Powers?

No. I'm definitely thinking of him in screen. Because I hear... When that thing on the phone is like, you know, my favourite scary movie, Showgirls or whatever. I'm like, yeah, that's Seth Green. Was Seth Green in one of the scary movies maybe? I don't know why.

That would make sense. Anyway. Yeah, but I think the archetype that I fit is the weenie weirdo. I'm not a protagonist and I'm not a love interest and I'm not clever enough to be the final girl. I'm just. You know, the problem with this and the reason why it's hard to pick is because you fit the antagonist you're the murderer usually yeah that is true

you're fucking matthew lillard in scream i am a man that no one ever suspects because when they're watching scream for the first time like this guy's really annoying and i can't wait for him to die this man's a stupid fool yeah that's true and we you would be the first to die in quotation marks because you'd fake your own death somehow and that or maybe fall off a cliff for real accident yeah but then that kind of sets it up for like us being like oh jack is dead but you're really the killer that's great if i fall off a cliff in real life i'm the one and only death in this movie you find me at the bottom of the cliff and I have like a knife and a mask and you're like, oh, I think he was the killer.

A knife, a mask and a list without names. Nothing crossed off yet with the title My Big Killing Plan to Enact Tomorrow. Boys to kill. But the two is the number. Yeah. The mask is, you ever see those masks that are just

an arse? I'm the arse? Yeah. I'm the arse-faced killer. And I slipped on my whole banana that I was too scared to peel. What if I break it? Off a cliff. Oh, it's a tragedy. Find his note.

He was going to kill us. Now it's a victory. Now I'm not sad he's dead. I mean, I don't know even if he tried, if he'd have succeeded, but it's still good he's dead. So Jackson in this situation kills neither of us, but clearly wanted to. Do we still go to his funeral?

It's complicated morally for you. But do you think if I tried to kill you, I would have succeeded? Because I don't think I would have. So am I to blame? It's complicated. I mean, for the sake of your family, I don't think I tried to kill you, I would have succeeded? Because I don't think I would have. So am I to blame? It's complicated. I mean, for the sake of your family, I don't think I'd bring it up. But I'd go to your funeral. I might make like a eulogy. But kind of like a double entendre to be like.

You're alluding to it. Alluding to it. A conversation really, or a speech really, just for me and JD. To be like, this piece of shit tried to kill us. He was going to murder us. I'd read a eulogy from someone else's funeral. Just change the name. Jackson died at 85, beloved by his children and grandchildren.

Surrounded by loved ones. Everybody in the crowd being like, that can't be right. He died alone. Yeah, he died alone on the cliff face. Vultures got to him before his family did. I mean, instead of holding the flowers at my chest, I'm holding my squished banana.

There's a rat in there. Yeah. But yes. So, okay. But if it's, if it's a wink and an odd, very trope aware horror film,

then I, I am the, I am the killer. But I do, in quotation marks, die first. Yeah. But then, like we said, you're kind of either Chad-Jock archetype or dad archetype. Yes.

Both die pretty early in one of these horror. But also, if we're plumbing the Death Star in this, you're also dying next anyway because you're my boss. Yeah, that is true. That is true. Because Dushar, in're also dying next anyway because you're my boss. Yeah, that is true. That is true. Because Dushar, in this one, you survive because you're a movie man. Well, this will be the movie where I'm like, yeah, I'm the final guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's the final boy. You're the final boy. Yeah, I'm the final little boy. Because you know movies. And you're the character. Yeah, I've seen this one. It's the one where the guy falls off the cliff holding the whole banana.

You know, the ass-faced monk. I didn't even slip on it in this one. It's the one where the guy falls off the cliff holding the whole banana. You know, the ass face. I didn't even slip on it in this situation. It's so funny to imagine me holding the banana and being like, man, this is slippery. Did he mean the banana or the... Did he mean the ground? Did he somehow slip on the banana he was holding? Were you trying to peel it with your foot?

On a cliff? Why was he on a cliff face? Maybe because of that situation, you aren't the final little boy because you're like, this is, there's no movie like this. This is breaking new ground. This is unlike any film ever.

This is a new genre. Yeah. This is a new filmic structure. That's what's happened here oh dear but no yes as movie boy structure you are you are the final little boy in this situation and also yeah because i i'm not i don't run plumbing the death star i'm like a relatively average looking person you're not the handsome side of average but you know what i mean yeah for sure like a guy yeah looking person. You're not the handsome side of average, but you know what I mean?

Like a guy. Yeah. Yeah. And you're not, you know, like the kind of ultra Chad who is going to, you know, there's nothing you're doing in the movie that you're going to get punished

for. Yeah. You know what I mean? Whereas the rest of us, you know, I think that's the classic. I'm going to charm my way to the end. Yeah.

Yeah. And there you go. You'll be like, yeah, I've seen this film probably get hit in the leg with a bat and i'll be bleeding and bloodied by the end of it but i'll survive and i'll be like yeah gee whiz i wasn't meant to be here today yeah and it's clerks three yeah you'll be the most annoying character in the film guaranteed yeah hey this reminds me of that movie i saw that's my famous the movie. We're watching a movie and you're referring to movies.

That's crazy. It pulls back again. I'm wearing a cinema watching this one. You were really annoying in this one. I'm like, yeah. Why do I have a banana in all three? Oh, wait, only two. No, wait, all three.

I bought a banana from under the couch. The couch? We're in one of those cin from under the couch. The couch? We're in one of those cinemas with a couch. What's actually happening right now? My brain imagined the Simpsons lounge room, but in a cinema. If I look back, is there going to be a camera again? Is this an episode of The Simpsons? Is this a couch gag?

Then I just push the whole banana into my mouth without chewing. And I say, no. And then The Simpsons starts. I'll just suck on a dummy. Yeah, Homer Simpson's Maggie and me, Jackson. Was this a movie? Was this a plumbing? What happened here today?

I guess we all died first and all died last. Is this what happens when you go this far up your own arsehole? Are we like our guts in the first one, exploding out our mouth and anus? We've gone so far up. The pressure's too great. What's happening here? Pulled either way.

Yeah. Is this how Deadpool was made? Is that what this is? Are we plumbing the Death Star with our mouth? Will we try and market it as? Have we become too self-aware? Not self-aware enough? Why are we in The Simpsons?

And on that note, I've been Joel, and Joel, and Joel, and Joel, and Homer. I've been Jackson, and Jackson, and Jackson, and Jackson. And I've been Joel, and Joel, and Joel, and maybe Maggie? That was unclear.

I dare you to draw fan art of this episode. They were in the cinema at first. They were in another cinema watching this. Yeah, but then they were on a couch. But also at one point we said the cinema was the third movie, but it mustn't have been. Because then they pulled back out.

And the third movie didn't take place in the cinema. It took place on a cliff. But there was't have been. Because then they pulled back out. And the third movie didn't take place in a cinema. It took place on a cliff. But there was an ass face killer. Ass face killer. Homicide killer. Hi, this is Levins, and I'm one of the hosts of All The Small Games, a weekly podcast all about indie video games. Every week, my friend John Valenzuela and I review a bunch of indie games,

both new and old, from indie Metroidvanias like Hollow Knight to indie puzzle games like Baba Is You. If you're looking for something cool and obscure to play, subscribe to All The Small Games now at sanspantsradio.com, Acast, or wherever you listen to podcasts.