Plumbing the Death Star - Who Would Make A Better Hero of Time And Why Is It Sir Joel Duscher?

Episode Date: April 12, 2020

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Saz Pants Radio, Australia's most family-friendly podcast network. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, who would make a better hero of time and why is it me, Serj Oldusho? When were you knighted? Okay. Was Link ever knighted? Well, first off, you can talk.

Was Link ever knighted? He basically is a knight. He's in the new one. New one from four years ago or whatever. Breath of the Wild. He's a knight. He never gets called Sir Link. He just gets called Link.

Should we run you through a specific... Let's do Ocarina of Time, I reckon. I feel like that's everybody's touchstone. You said Hero of Time. I also said Hero of Time. If I meant Hero of Wind, Wind Waker, I would have said Hero of Wind. You'd have made it clear. That's on me for questioning you.

I did call myself Serge Aldusha for no apparent reason. That threw me. Maybe that's what happened. It also wasn't a funny joke. Well, we're talking about it. Yeah, well, it's got the people talking, but not the people laughing. That's all we can ask.

I'm not proud of it. But we're here. Anyway. So the tribulations of the hero time yeah yeah they they are now they fall to you yes so we're talking joel ducha waking up in that tree house from the beginning of zelda of ocarina of time yep or are you starting somewhere else no no no let's say that let's just say one morning me and link have swapped places don't know why hey what's today's topic dusha hiya this guy loves rolling that's not good okay so do you also get like a fairy called navi yeah yeah navi comes to wake

me up she's like hey leo who are. Who are you? No, I'm Joel. I was meant to. You're putting your names. That checks. I just want to double check. Sure. So later in the game. Yes.

If I am successful, we'll be removing a master sword. Yeah. we'll be removing a master sword. In Ocarina of Time, Link is sealed in the area until he is ready to wield it, which is around the age of 18, which is roughly 10 years. No, I think we're going. So, am I my age now, waking up in a treehouse?

Yes. So when you pull the master sword out and... Well, I guess we'll find out what happens if I get there. It's going to be like, look, you've got- No time passes because I'm an adult. It's like, look, you're 30, but honestly, you don't hit your peak till 40. Yeah. Ah.

I like to think that everybody- That is not how that happens. I like to think that everybody thinks that the sword waits till you're ready, but it's always 10 years. And that's just what people say. Anyway, so you wake up in the tree. First, instantly, I'm like- Hey, listen.

Hey, what? Should not give Nafi my voice. Hey, listen. Hey, listen. Hey, listen. Oh, you're not Link. You're some guy. Oh, you don't have pointy ears at all.

I hate this. I'm going to go get eaten by a frog. Anyways. Darby wakes me up. Like, Decadry summoned you. And I'm like, what? What's happening? Where is Jackson and Joel?

And then for the next 10 minutes, I guess she fills me in on what's happened. So I'm not just questioning every single sentence that everyone's saying. Yeah, that's fair. I'm like, all right. I'm at Kokiri right, I'm a Kukuri. Kukuri village. It's really great that you're going to be the size of an adult human and everyone else is like,

trying to get out of that tree house. Yeah, I was going to say. Well, they get a cow in there, so you'll be fine. Yeah, you'll be all right. There's no cow in my tree house, though. Not yet. When does a cow go in the tree house in Ocarina of Time? You do a few things and you get a cow

So you can get fresh milk I don't know if that is your treehouse Or a different house I think it's a shop Did I play Ocarina of Time wrong? They give you a cow for getting good things Okay they got a cow up there I believe you

Ocarina of Time, cow, treehouse Cow in home Anyway Cow in home. Anyway, so there's a lot. Yeah, by first beating the guy who owns Lon Lon Rants in a horse race. You get the cow in your cabin. Well, that's crazy. That rules. Talk to a girl named Marlin who works there and she'll make you an obstacle course.

Is that the Goron sword quest? Beat the best record, get a cow in your cabin. Well, that's cool. Did you never get, you guys didn't beat the best record i stopped playing on the shadow temple why that boss is good he's big hands plays a drum you love that it was hard i got tired wait no shadow temple's second last one yeah shadow temple's the one in the well it's the scary one it's also very easy no not the not the shadow maybe not the spirit temple that's his last one that That one. That's why I stopped.

Yeah, you got to be little and you got to be big. I got tired. Anyways. Great Deku treat. Hey, do you know how to wield a sword? First question. Do I know how to get through that hole and avoid the boulder to get the sword? No and no.

That's great. Although, Guy tries to stop me from walking past. Whatever his fucking name is. He's like, hey, you can't go in there. You don't even have a sword or a shield. I pick him up by his head. You'll be my sword. And shield.

Good point. You're my weapon now. Pick him up by his leg. You're going to wallop people with a little guy. I'm going to hit those Deku stick things. Now I have a stick and a guy. Great'm going to hit those Deku stick things. Yeah. Now I have a stick and a guy. Great.

You got the perfect combination of weapons. One stick, one guy. Dual wielding. So I'm walking there, probably holding the guy by his leg. He's dragging on the ground a bit. He's yelling. He hates it.

Mother had to got a stick. Guy's a bit bruised from. That's fine. I mean, don't give me lip. How about that? What can you say, dude, don't give me lip. How about that? What can you say, dude? Don't give you lip and then you wouldn't be in this situation. Everyone in the town hates you.

And now, look, there's consequences. You can basically just waltz into the Great Deku Tree now. Yeah, I do. I do. I mean, I'd probably collect a few sticks and nuts or whatever. Yeah. Is anyone going to be like, maybe you should go buy the shield from the shop?

Shut up. With what money? Yeah. You're picking up rupees everywhere, maybe you should go buy the shield from the shop? Shut up. With what money? Yeah. You're picking up rupees everywhere, aren't you? Probably not. What, is he whacking the guy into a bush? And then rupees fall out and he's like, I don't want those cursed gems.

Just pick them up. We all pick them up. Alternatively. That's money for us. I, like the guy after I've beaten to death a Deku stick with this guy. Yeah. I pick up the stick and I'm like, I got a stick there. I'm bleeding.

And I'm like, I will keep doing this. Go get me a sword and a shield. Then I wait. All right. I was imagining you're like, you get, you see the stick and you use the guy to whack a rupee out of a bush and you're like, oh, this is a no brainer. And then you shove the rupee on the end of the stick like a spear. Duh.

Why don't you use these? Anyway, presumably he comes back with a sword and a shield. The sword is so tiny. It's always the shield. Little boy sword, little boy shield. Basically a dagger. I'm like, sweet, a dagger. Ask for a sword, that's fine.

It's a sword to us. We're tiny. I don't know if you can see that. I know I picked you up. I do not recall. You hated that, didn't you? I did. Are you bringing him with you?

Can I go back? Yes. Thank you, sir. Now leave everyone alone. Maybe go sit in a treehouse and think. Thank you, sir. Now leave everyone alone. Yeah. Maybe go sit in a treehouse and think about what you've done. A hero of Kokiri Village. Everyone's like, where's Link?

Navi's just like, dude, hey, listen. Maybe, hey, listen. That was a bit rude. Hey, listen. It's the beginning of a, hey, listen. So first thing happens. I go into the Deku tree. You just walk in.

Hello, that is- Whoa! Okay. Oh, do you know what you should- He's like, I'm dying. I'm like, all right, I'll sort you out. Let me into your guts. Well, you've got the-

All right. Okay. He doesn't die yet. No, that's true. Now, how is he opening his mouth? I walk in. Yeah. Walk straight into the cobwebs. Heavier than Link. Fall straight through. That's true. Now how was him opening his mouth? Walk in. Walk straight into the cobwebs.

Heavier than Link. Fall straight through. Fall into water. Don't die. Hang on. How shallow is that water? No, it's... I mean, because Link, if you land in shallow water... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You'll be right. I'm fine, but... No, I'm thinking more of your legs. I'm frightened. You're definitely afraid. I've accidentally skipped most of the dungeon. That's pretty good. No, I skipped that.

He didn't need it. He'll throw nuts at them. Who's the big villain of the... The parasite. It's a big, hairy spidery thing. Yeah. I mean, it's scary, but I feel like you could just punch at one. Yeah, stab it in the eye.

Yeah, whatever. Link's little, I'm not. Yeah, so I feel like when collecting the three gems. No. When we get to the Goron one, I'm in a lot of trouble. Oh, that's true. It's a big lizard. It's a big dragon.

Oh, and they're handling bombs. It's a big dragon that breathes fire yeah are surrounded by lava and bombs and bombs no that's true like jabu jabu's palace or guts or whatever the dungeon's called i just won't fit yeah just i don't know what to do big fish yeah okay what we're gonna do is get this big knife it's great to imagine you solving those first three dungeons with physical violence I mean I got through the first one so like that don't have a slingshot wouldn't use it if I did have one yeah I got a little boy's weapon yeah I'm a big man. I'm a grown man. So, I've,

Deku Tree definitely still dies. Maybe of shock before. Tells me stuff and I'm like, all right, so they got to go to Death Mountain. Yeah. Meet that soldier fellow that's guarding the gate to get up to the Gorons. And he calls him Mr. Hero.

And he's like, Mr. You're a grown man. I'm like, yep. He doesn't ask me to get him that Pikachu mask for his kid. That's nice. He can. I'm like, yep. He doesn't ask me to get him that Pikachu mask for his kid. That's nice. He can tell I've got no time.

He does suggest that I get a big grown up boy shield. Yeah. And I probably go, you know what? I go buy that. Yeah. I have a shield now. Yeah, good. Look, you've got money. Yeah.

You have a cash. You have a cash. You have a bank account. I'll go get that shield. Put this on PayPal, please. Go get that shield. Ask this on PayPal, please. Go get that shield. Ask who's got a bigger sword. Be disappointed to hear that no one sells swords for some reason.

No, no big swords. You can make a spear out of a rupee and a stick. You get one of those little bomb chew things. Maybe I just buy arrows. They're like, you don't have a bomb. I'm like, I don't need a bomb. I'm just going to take them to this stick. Use it as a spear.

Stab them. Clever. Anyway. In a bomb. Like, I don't need a bomb. I'm just going to take them to this stick. Use it as a spear. Stab them. Clever. Anyway. In a way. Walk up. Yeah. Death Mountain erupts. That's scary.

I guess I just put a shield over my head. Yeah. Because that works for Link. And I know that works for Link. So I guess I just do the same thing. Yeah, that makes sense. I guess you can absorb as much shock as Link. We have to assume that or you're squished pretty instantly.

You're going to have to get them hot. Are you going to go for a pona? No, I will kill that horse. Dusha doesn't know how to ride a horse. I don't know how to ride a horse. No, good. For a second I was like, so he's a horse. What?

It's so easy to ride a horse. Yeah, but also Ampona's a pony in that point. She's little. Dusha doesn't need to learn. Also, that's not how horses work. I've got a car. Pony at this point. It'll be a horse in ten years. Sorry. Also, that's not how horses work. I've got a car. Pony at this point. It'll be a horse in ten

years. Sorry. Car, you say? Yeah, I've got a car. I'll drive. Who gives a shit? Yeah, you've got a car. Hey, did Dusha miss the ocarina too? Oh yeah, Saria is not friends with me. Does not give me ocarina.

Who are you and where is Link? No, you can't have this. oh my god I skipped something very important what's that I gotta go see Princess Zelda first oh that's true

oh those guards I get hung I feel maybe this is pretty bad for you Joel Dusha the man yeah what if we backtrack

a little bit what about we make Joel Dusha a Goron oh well that is the Zelda to be honest if I woke up in the Legend of Zelda and I wasn't a Goron I would be flabbergasted you'd wake up rolling

you wake up you're on Death Mountain maybe or you're in Kukuri Forest I like waking up in the same bed and then rolling straight out of my tree house just wake up I like waking up in the same bed and then rolling straight out of my treehouse. Choose to wake up. Hey, listen.

Hey, listen. What are you doing? Hey, listen. I got turned into... Well, you know what? Link gets turned into a Goron in Majora's Mask. Maybe Navi would take it in a stride. Like, this just happens. Hey, listen.

Okay. Okay, brilliant. Goron, no. I feel like you can kind of defeat the Great Deku Tree pretty easily. Similar way. Exactly the same. Fall down. Fall down.

Spin. It's great. At no point. Plus, you probably might get the slingshot, but probably not. Well, I'm not going to climb. At no point do you need a sword in this. You can roll. How are Gorons at rolling uphill?

Good. Even better than downhill? Yeah, they roll both directions perfectly fine. Great news. Yeah, great. You got this. Good. Even better than downhill. Yeah, they roll both directions perfectly fine. Great news. Yeah, great. You got this. Okay, that's good. Yeah, that big bully guy being like,

hey, you need to go rolling right past him. Maybe I hit him. Also, in Majora's Mask, do you know what the Goron's weapon is? It doesn't have a sword. He just punches. That's great. And what is more Jaldusha than using your fists?

All right. Okay, so Jaldusha the man made it to try and sneak into meet princess zelda gets caught by the gods doesn't get kicked out just gets hung by the state absolutely hung by my neck until i die hung by your neck for treason who is and that was the end of sir joel ducha the man rest in peace joel d've got Joel Dusha the Goron Prince. Yeah. Okay, so sneaking into the palace. I assume you can do both, you know, everything you've done up to this point. Yeah, so sneaking into the palace.

You can do the ocarina, though. That'd be good. Might, maybe. Saria might have more time for someone that doesn't just pick up a guy and slam him into a stick. They'd be like, Link, yeah! But I quite like the idea of you having to play the music some other way. Like banging on your belly like a bongo or something.

Gore and Imatros Mask has drums. You're making drums. He's like, here's your Socorino. Nah, mate. I got my belly. My belly works. Right. That's pretty good music.

It's great. Goron Link, you're just using more your mouth than your mouth. Your belly whacking is just, you know. It's kind of just there for fun. Yeah, yes, correct. Anyway, see you at the Forest Temple. I'm out of here. How do you know about that

then he rolls off holding the ocarina does he not want this I feel like you're gonna do it turn around yeah I'm probably sure if I take that out bye

here's why I think you're gonna make a better link than link is I think you'll be quicker at it yeah I feel like well yeah

also something that I will be able to do that link couldn't is when Zelda gets... Provided I get those three stones. Yeah, which I think you can do. Also, I don't need to. No.

Because I, again, I have a... You're a Goron. I'm a Goron, but also I... You're an adult. Who has played Ocarina of Time. Oh, I didn't realize we were getting... Oh, okay. So, even if I fuck up real bad,

okay, even if Goron me doesn't know the events of Ocarina of Time, just as someone watching Goron Link, if he takes too long, Zelda gets kidnapped by, oh, runs away from Ganondorf by horse. Link is startled. Goron Link, not so much.

Goron Link, big. Probably just grabs horse. Grabs horse by the back legs. The horse is running at such a speed that it splits in the middle. Just seeing a Goron Link big probably just grabs horse grabs horse by the back legs the horse is running at such a speed that it splits in the middle just seeing a Goron tear a horse in half

yeah absolutely don't worry Zelda I'm Jal Dusha a Goron prince how are you getting into the temple of time if you're not collecting

the gems oh no no I've got the first one. Okay. And then the second one should be easy for me to get because it's the Goron one. It's me, Goron Prince. You just need to roll around, whatever. Into the mine, you'll get it.

And Gorons are heatproof. They can walk in lava. So, again, the lava and the fire breathing doesn't bother me. I get the bomb and I literally just jam all my bombs into that thing's mouth at once. Yeah. Big explosion. Do the same for Jabu Jabu. Yeah.

Got him with, you know, Jabu Jabu, you're probably going to have to actually go in there and rescue the princess. Yeah, Princess Ruto.

She's been swallowed. Yeah, she's been swallowed. How do you melt little fat boys little legs or whatever? So there's a little, you know, she's been swallowed. How do you melt little fat boy's little legs or whatever? So there's a little shuffle he does? Yes. Yeah, how do you do that?

Same way that Link does. Probably just hot water in a jar. Yeah, that's pretty easy. Yeah, that's no big deal for you, I guess. Right, so you're going to go into Jabba Jabba. I'm also an adult man. And a Goron. Plus, if you have the sticks with fire and you're a rolling boy,

you probably get to the little sticks easier. Yeah. In fact, yeah, you're quick. You're quick in the link. I might just smash into it as a ball and shatter the ice. Maybe kill. I mean, if I just need him out of the way, I might just push him. I'm strong. Absolutely. Climb over him. I'm a prince!

I've got diplomatic immunity or whatever. I don't unfreeze the dad. I don't really need to save the prince. I've got diplomatic immunity. I don't unfreeze the dad. I don't really need to save the prince. Well, yeah, I mean, why do you care? I mean, like, that's another benefit you have as Joel Duescher over Link is that you don't care about these people. Whatever. You're not going to stop if they're like, hey, we need you to unfreeze.

She's a sage. Oh, yeah, you probably need her. We can get her out of Jabu Jabu, but you don't need to unfreeze her dad. Who is this guy? Yeah, he's just a big fish fuck here. Does he give you anything nice for unfreezing? I feel like the gem may... No, not for unfreezing him, but saving his daughter.

I feel like that's where I get the gem from. Yeah, so you might need to unfreeze him just for that bit. You can stay frozen until I rescue Princess Ruto. Yeah, climb over him. He's fine. And then I'll grab Ruto, walk in, be like, hey, get out. There's bombs in here. And she'll be like, what?

I've wired this fish to block. Don't we need to not kill the fish for some reason? It's a sacred fish to them, yes. Oh, he shouldn't. Oh, no one's denying killing the fish is a bad move. Will you get the gem if you kill their sacred fish? I mean, I got the gem and I killed Deku Tree, just saying. It's really funny to imagine you,

and I think it wouldn't impede you at all to not get the gem here and go to the Temple of Time with just two, and that not working, and then just bash through the wall. I mean, whatever. It's just plaster, dude. You're big and strong. It's definitely stone. Dude, you eat that shit.

Ganon, I do eat rocks. Eat my way into the Temple of Time. Oh, no. Prince of the Gorons, you're an upton. Oh, you're just ch eat rocks. Eat my way into the temple of time. Oh, no. Prince of the Gorons. We need three of the upton. Oh, you're just chomping your way through? But also Ganondorf couldn't get in. Well, he wasn't eating it, was he?

No, he was not eating it. It seems like you might have to not kill that fish. I guess. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Also, have you noticed that your shirts and or bags are often lacking in pins from your good friends at Sands Pants Radio? Well, that's easily remedied by heading to our merch store on sandspantsradio.com and grabbing one of our pins. We have the Sands Pants Radio logo, an always bet on piss D20, and Jackson's face that is a replica of his legally

binding signature. Sold separately or as a set of three check them out at our merch store over at sanspance radio.com but also going inside a lot of the issues i could easily solve by just tearing tentacles out of the wall that's true because like link gets a boomerang which you have to use to cut stuff but i will just grab it yeah absolutely tear it off no problem no big deal that gor strength? Yeah. If I remember what the boss is, presumably something I can also just punch to death. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can Donkey Kong slam most of the bad guys in Ocarina of Time.

Gorons have pretty much the same moves as Donkey Kong. They're basically a big gorilla. Yeah. Just a rock gorilla. And if you put a gorilla in Ocarina of Time, it would do better than Lex. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's a given.

But then we've got to add the Joel Duescher element, or Element X. it would do better than Lex. Yeah. So that's a given, but then we're going to add the Joel Duescher element or element X. My decision-making. And that's what changes things for the more successful. So I head towards the Temple of Time. That's where I see Ganondorf on the horse. I grab his horse and split his horse in half. He runs away.

He disappears. I'm not ready for this. I throw half of his horse in the river. Why did you kill my horse? We in the Goron print, the horse is the devil. Whatever your opinion is. Oh,

I mean, so then like, I guess, is there a fight or is he just running away? It's after seeing him. I would be scared. Well, he does at this point, he doesn't have any of the triforce. So like, Or is he just running away after seeing a Goron Terrier? I would be scared and mean to him.

At this point, he doesn't have any of the Triforce. So you might do a fight, but you might kick his ass. I don't know if I'd be able to kill him, but I'd probably be able to get close. I could hurt him. He's just a fucking guy. I mean, he's Garuda royalty, but apart from that, he's just a guy. A guy with an evil heart. So you've basically made it more personal. Yeah, he's Gerudo royalty, but apart from that, he's just a guy. Just a fella. Yeah, for sure. A guy with an evil heart.

So you've basically made it more personal. Yeah, that's true. Yep. And when I eat the door, anyone can get in. Yeah, that's true. That is a problem. Are you still eating the door even though you've got all the gems? I mean, I'm not complaining.

Do you know what's probably going to happen? Just clarifying. Use the gems, open it, get the master sword, come back out, eat the gems. Yeah, that's clever. Seal off the chamber. Don't you need to go back in? Yeah, the spirit temple stuff.

But look, I'll be dead by then. Okay. Do you age 10 years? No. Okay. Because it's like when I'm ready, which is now. If anything, I go back five years. You've been waiting.

Great. Fantastic. I go back five. There's two of me. Oh, no. Well, for example. I grab the sword. To be honest, the Master Sword mightn't come out for me.

Why did I want to go in this room in the first place? So is it when you're ready or is it a 10-year leap or 7-year leap? It's an 8-year leap for Link, but I think that just 8 or 9, but I think it's just to be like when he's ready. When do Gorons hit puberty? Yeah. What's the average lifespan of a Goron? Gorons, I think, are, well, they seem to age pretty similar to humans

because there's the children Gorons. I thought it are... Well, they seem to age pretty similar to humans because there's the children. Oh, yeah, that is better. Gorons are the men, yeah. I thought it was something like longer limbs. Yeah, it feels like that would make sense, doesn't it? Maybe the second half of their life is longer. So it's kind of like they reach maturity at 45. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I can see why you wanted that to be the case, but I just don't think it is. That's a shame. I think I grab the sword and then just turn around. Well, I quite like your theory of the sword not popping up. I like the idea of You're not the hero of time. Grab the sword, it stays in the stone,

but I break the stone, so I've got half a sword and then I can't break the sword. You've basically got a hammer. You've got the pedestal on the end of the sword. Right. I am the hero of time. Hero of time hammer. Yeah.

Gorons live to 400 years. Oh, no. Oh, no. Childish as a baby. So the average lifespan of humans is like, what, 85? Yeah. Your average reproductive age of Gorons is around 80 years Okay, I grabbed the sword

40 years passes You come out to waste Hyrule is a wasteland Oh no Every temple's gonna be easier to find I guess if there's no trees in the woods, whatever You just go to the house which is dilapidated. The four ghosts are like, where were you?

What? Okay. So 40 years have passed. Everything's fucked. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Ganon.

Well, I guess now he's like, maybe he has it in for Gorons a bit more. Yeah. What's his plan? What does Ganon want? It's hard to tell. He wants the whole Triforce. Yeah, okay. And Link and Zelda have half.

Do you reckon he's wrangled the- Zelda's dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, actually, maybe not. No. Zelda's sweet because Zelda only gets discovered, which is a trope in the Zelda games, but they kind of hide it.

A lot of the problems that are caused by Zelda areda are through lynx actions yeah yeah yeah so sheik goes undiscovered until right at the end of the game in which she reveals herself as zelda and then gannon's like fucking knew it appears kidnapped her and then the last boss fight happens yeah she's only kidnapped right at the end so i guess sheik's pretty kicking it sweet so she's had an extra i 30odd years of fighting and being sweet. Here is my theory. I wake up, walk outside. Hyrule is looking okay.

And I'm like, huh. And then I find out that Sheik slash Zelda defeated Ganon 20 years ago. Huh. Huh. Well, cool. Or alternatively, I've got a hammer now and people are getting bonked it's kind of good too oh i'm expecting i guess what happens is like oh something funny it could happen here because pull the sword out it doesn't move because i'm not the hero of time

break out the pedestal it comes with me no time passes because i didn't actually remove the master sword i'm still my same age i go i don't know what my next plan passes because i didn't actually remove the master sword i'm still my same age i go i don't know what my next plan is because time hasn't changed i don't know if i can even get into the other areas yeah true what if you get the big goron sword well i'm gonna cure that guy's blindness and to be honest i don't think i got time that. What do you need after you get the... What's your next step? I've got to use the Seven Sages to remove the protective barrier from Ganon's castle so I can go fight Ganon.

But that hasn't happened yet. Well, let's just say that due to something... Ganon's like, yep, it's going to happen in the next 10 years. 10 years go by, he's like, huh. Maybe it's another 10 years. And he waits next 10 years 10 years go by he's like huh maybe it's another 10 years anyway it's next 10 years like i think what's gonna happen is ganon after i tore his horse in half is like i need to act now i break into the thing steal the sword yeah doesn't actually come out no time passes ganon still gets in there and takes what he wants the half yeah everything happens

quicker yeah seven sages are still children, but I'm like, whatever. There's still the sages. They'll sort that shit out. It'll count. It'll still count. That guy in the temple of time

still gives me that speech, but he's like, you have fucked this. You have fucked this up. You have monumentally cooked this whole thing. You have cursed Hyrule, potentially.

You son of a bitch. You absolute fucking dumb cunt. Well, look, I've been out there doing stuff. What have you been doing, mate? Yeah, that's good. Are you a ghost? I can't remember. You're of a bitch. You absolute fucking dumb cunt. Well, look, I've been out there doing stuff. What have you been doing, mate? Are you a ghost? I can't remember.

You're definitely a vision of some kind. Giving me lip? What happened to the last guy that gave me lip? I got a hammer now. And then I head back to the Forest Temple to go get Saria to help defeat the thing. So now your job is collecting children. Yeah. Yeah, great.

Rescue missions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, for some... They're like medallions, but the children give them to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if Saria's still just waiting in the forest, like, hey, do you have that medallion? Oh, yeah. It's cool to imagine you going up against Ganon with a necklace made of all the medallions.

Is this bad for you? But my theory is that after fighting, what will probably happen? So provided that I look, if I'm quick and I can get to everyone without actually having to fight a boss, that's good.

But I get to Ganondorf, armed with my hammer, hit him, pedestal breaks, 40 years pass. 40 years pass and I don't think you can go back. No. Oh no Oh dear

40 years pass and you come back I guess Well it might be the kind of thing where 40 years pass and you come back in Ganon's throne room as he is the new King of Hyrule and your swing Continues and you cut his head off You're like boom 40 years and he's sitting new king of Hyrule, and your swing continues and you cut his head off. You're like, boom, 40 years, and he's sitting in front of you and you're like, oh, well, I've still got the momentum.

Split down the middle of it. 40 years of momentum. You slice him from the top of his head out of his gooch. Just straight down. And everybody in his court is horrified. You sit down, look around, then get back up. And now I'm looking at viral. Grab his hat.

Be like, mine. I just like the idea because I've frozen. So Ganon's like, rather than killing me, he keeps me as a statue. And then 40 years later, I'm just like, Oh my God god what is happening oh my god what have i done the master sword is just embedded in ganon huh and then well that's scary because i kill ganon in that incident so let's just say

he doesn't respawn because he just wasn't expecting to get his head cut it he was not prepared for that no No one is. Because in Ocarina of Time, when you defeat Ganondorf and he turns into Ganon, it's because he uses the last ounce of his energy to be like, bah! But this Ganon has had his head cut in half. He's got an opportunity to use the last ounce of his energy. All of his energy being like, what is happening?

His head cleaved directly in half. Yeah, directly down in half yeah directly down in half vertically yeah yeah maybe it becomes like you know a little bit of blood just becomes a little tiny again and you step on it oh no and then i guess you did it but then i look out the window so you've cooked it really like i don't know if at the end of that i'd call you a better Link than Link, because Link did his job poorly. Link creates three timelines in his, though.

You just created one. I created one. Okay, all right. So 40 years have passed. Ganondorf's been in power. Yeah. All right, how do you clean this up? Yeah.

All right, go on. You've now got the Master Sword. You're a Goron. Ganondorf is dead. You don't know what happened to Zelda. How do you clean this mess up? She's gone. A lot of zombies around.

I play Zelda's lullaby, I guess, just to see if she responds. Turns up. Oh, man, it's rough if she doesn't. You're like, okay. Boo, boo, boo. Boo, boo, okay. Looking around the chamber. Okay.

Maybe do it a second time. Maybe if you just sing all the songs. Raining. Not the same one. What's the rain one? Yeah, okay. So Epona comes in. Where's that owl? Where's that owl to give me a hint?

That owl being like flying down to the window. You fucked it. Oh, my God, did you fuck it? Who? Who? Fuck you. Oh. All right.

So, yeah, how are you fixing this? So. I guess you've got to go through and kill all the zombies. I will whisper to the- Can you help me? To the Master Sword, hoping that something happens. Presumably nothing. The sword remains a sword.

I mean, the sword remains a sword, but also the sword didn't want to be chosen by me. So the sword's probably upset. So you've got to be the Triforce, though. Yeah, does- No, absolutely not. Link does, who's here. Oh. In our Earth, we're currently trying to coach Link

on how to be funny on a podcast. Speak English! Yeah! No! Enunciate! God, he's trying. He's trying so hard. Yeah!

Arrow on his... All right, we've got a My fair lady, this weird elf boy. Come on. Triangles glowing on his hand. Yeah! What? Cool tattoo. It's great at this moment if you swap back.

Oh, Deuce is back. I did it. I'm the Goron. I did it and then Link inon. Yeah, I did it. And then Link in your place. So could you pick up Ganondorf's Triforce and use that to fix the timeline? Well, I get the Triforce of Power presumably from killing Ganondorf.

Yeah. And my assumption was that Ganon had killed Zelda and gotten the Triforce of Wisdom. Oh, no. So you got two of them. You got two of them. I'm just like, I'm clever and powerful now, but not brave. Clever, powerful coward.

And then you just roll a high roll with an iron fist. And if anyone fights me, I... A soft fist. Flaccid fist. But you're basically brave of a Goron. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could probably be Gorons, I guess, are brave a bit. Yeah.

I mean, actually, some of them are big cowards. They fear the monster I've already killed. Yeah, that's true. You might be a coward. The coward king, they'll call you. A powerful, wise coward. Yeah. Well, now that I'm wise and powerful,

I can probably cast spells onto Hyrule. I hope there's a rebuild spell. I don't think there will. Make Hyrule the same as it used to be. Bzzzap. No. I could go visit some of the fairies and see what they have to say. You really fucked this.

They do that big spin, they come out like, ah, what, you? Why does everyone keep saying that to me? What did I do? I killed Ganondorf. Yeah. 40 years too late. Better late than never.

You're not wrong. It's also funny. Well, I mean, look, Ganondorf gets hit with a hammer. Yeah. Before 40 years passes. Maybe that knocks some sense into him. So most of the Hyruleans, they're dead. Yeah.

Who's alive after 40 years? Gorons. Gorons. I'm an outcast. Zoras already hate Gorons. Can you unify everyone? You're a bit mean to the Zorans. You did try and gut then blow up that fish.

Yeah. I would have if I could have. You didn't really want to cure that Goron of his blindness. I mean, direct quote, I don't have time. So they're not going to be fake. Yeah. You know like the whole apes together strong? Yeah, that never came up.

The opposite. Well, let's compare Hyrule at the end of Ocarina of Time as it stood and Hyrule at the end of Ocarina of Time Jalduja edition. So the end of Ocarina of Time in adult Link's timeline, Hyrule's still fucked and he leaves. That's true. That's true. That's true. But he goes back to young Link where Ganondorf...

Hang on. Yeah. What's happening here? So when young Link goes back to the timeline, Ganondorf's still alive because 10 years haven't passed. So how do they... I can't remember how they explain the ending. I don't know.

If Link just goes back in time before the adventure happens and then just fucks off then the same thing presumably happens but without a hero of time well don't they seal away gannon yeah but that's no isn't that how you get wind waker there are three timelines link wins link no child link adult link link Yeah, so you're just talking about the Link loses timeline Yeah, that's why Ganondorf kills Link In the final battle And now we've added a fourth timeline Oh, no, we're good We're good

Link Seven sages seal Ganondorf in the dark realm Yeah, but that happens in Child Link's future So when he goes back in the trifles of parry to take revenge on this and zelda uses ocarina of time to send link back to his childhood and navi departs and young link meets zeldra in the castle garden once more where she retains the knowledge of hyrule's fate ah so maybe the king just beheads Gandalf. Yeah. Yeah. In a way. You said we were okay?

Yeah. So we're good because, so what happens in the Link loses thing is that the gods intervene. Oh, wow. They flood Hyrule. They flood Hyrule. So in a way. Oh, for a start.

You're coming out 40 years later. I'm the king of wet Hyrule. And they're like, we cooked it. And you're like, you sure there's nothing we can do? And they're like, no. And they squish you with their god finger and wet Hyrule. We cooked it. And you're like, you sure there's nothing we can do? And they're like, no. And they squish you with their god finger and flood Hyrule. Yeah, Gorons not do well in wet. You sink. You cannot swim.

Gorons in Wind Waker did not evolve at all are still Gorons. They wear clothes now. Zoras became birds. Yeah, that's a baffling decision and Kikori children became leaves Goron's got clothes so really maybe Goron's most suited to wet Hyrule

I like to imagine as the this is over the closing credits of your game as the water is rising you're like I better put on some pants no one told me my cock was out. How come I've just been given this knowledge now? Oh, no.

Original sin. Oh, no. You get it. Original sin. That's how the game ends. So who, so was Joel Dershowitz a better hero of time than Link? Well, no. As a man, no, I was hung by the Hyrule Hylian God.

Yeah. As a Goron. Well, here's the thing. As a Goron, you did as well as the time Link lost. But I still killed Ganondorf. It's just that Hyrule's flooded. You did as good as Link did on his worst day. Yeah.

I did as good as Link did on his worst day. Yeah. I did as good as Link did on his worst day, plus I killed Ganondorf, which then prevents... Or did you do as good as Link did when he wasn't there? Yeah. I did... Look. The... Ganondorf is no longer sealed away, though, so he can't come back in Wind Waker because his head

is cut in half. Yeah, that's true. So, I did a little bit better than Link on his worst day, but not as good as Link on his best day. Yeah, the answer is obviously a resounding no. It's just like, what degree of no? It's a yes, but, I feel. It's more of a no, but.

Or no, however. Yes, however. He's like a an asterisk there with caveats so yeah I reckon you absolutely and also you're right it's an absolutely and also

you've talked me round it's even an absolutely and plus and on that note I've been Joel I on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've been Joel Dush, a hero of Hyrule and also maybe- Prince of the Gorons. Prince of the Gorons and also maybe hung for treason. And hero of time.

And hero of time. And how. Thanks for listening and if you want to follow us on Twitter you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually I'm at Douche13 I'm at OldDogsOfDead and I'm at GodDammitZammit

If you want to hear our other shows you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there There's heaps and if you want to support us head to SandspantsPlus.com Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time Goodnight for now But not forever other content there. There's heaps. And if you want to support us, head to sanspansplus.com. Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time.

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