Plumbing the Death Star - Why are Lightsabers Only for Force Users?

Episode Date: December 18, 2015

In which our heroes retreat to a special cave, grab some magic crystals, and construct a laser sword as we ask why are Lightsabers only for Force users? We discuss the power of the U-Wand, the fried mind of Obi-Wan, and JJ Abrams professional relationship with the Plumbing Boys. Jackson thinks he would use a Lightsaber wrong, Zammit brings up vibro-blades, and Duscher just wants everyone to know we recorded this in 2006. So if you're a Jedi, keep making those lightsabers! But if you're just a lad wanting to tool around with a magic laser sword, just wait until someone leaves theirs on the bus or drops it into a river. You’re bound to find one eventually.Want to help soundproof Duscher's patio? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, we can stop helicopters from running their mouth.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least forty-six books on how to use space magic. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Peloton all-access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. Sandspans Radio looks good in jean shorts. Hey guys, were you thinking of making your own Sandspans merch? Well, don't bother, it already exists. Just head to redbubble.com and search for sanspence radio and you can buy your own official shirt sick hey guys welcome to today's episode of plumbing the death star we ask another star wars related question why are lightsabers only for force users because you can have one if you want and don't have the force.

That's true, you can just pick one up. I mean, it's like using a drill. Yeah. I don't need special training. I should. But you can. Wait, no, I can see. Question answered.

Move on. Next question. No, but like... It's another question for today. You don't also... But you don't need to know the force no like you can just get trained to use a light because it's just hot so i can get trained to use the drill yeah you don't have to be like a wizard to use a drill that's very

that's like if they were like look you're really great at singing yeah and only people who are good at singing can use this drill you're like that seems odd but okay when you use the drill no no it's just a prerequisite. Something I was wondering about lightsabers, like if I just dropped mine. Yeah. Like say I was in Cloud City and I tripped on a rock. And I was just like, is it just gone?

Do I have to buy another one? Oh, you mean if you drop it off a... Yeah, like off like... And then somebody could just find my lightsaber and use it. It's not like a Harry Potter one. It's not bound to me. You're right. I don't like...

What's bound to you in Harry Potter? Well, yeah, they're like emotionally connected to you In Harry Potter Well yeah They're like They're like emotionally Connected to you By like Fucking unicorn dick Or whatever I hate that

Yeah like that's why Did I watch those movies It's a whole big thing Because a wand Has basic sentience Yeah Some trash Some kind of trash

And it's kind of like A wand always goes To the most powerful wizard So that's when like What's his name Gandolfo. How Harry can use the U-Wand, because he's like...

Howl. Howl. Dumbledore has it, and he gets beaten by... You mean the Elder Wand, not the U-Wand? The U-Wand. Where's the U-Wand from? What's that from? Sounds like some wheel of time.

It does. Is it? God, I hope not. No, it's not. It also sounds like some will of time it also sounds like something maybe a plumber uses let me grab the you want you've taken a mean shit like maybe like a stick that goes down the you bend that's what I was the you want yeah because when when yeah what's his name the gross weasel face kid Draco He beats Harry He beats Dumbledore And that's why he's the

Everyone disarms everyone And then fucking Harry beats old fucking Draco And then he becomes Master of the Elder Wand Yeah So yeah you're bound to the wand

But a lightsaber The lightsaber there's no better It's just an item I could leave it on the bus And like General Grievous He just collects them Yeah He likes little trophies

picks anyone up in fucking episode two he picks up obis anakin and obi-wan both just get given random light tables episode two also luke gets given his dad anakin's yeah and it's not like he wanted you to have it did he did he say that i think i think the opposite He didn't want you to have this. Everyone's mind is fried in those movies. He's a liar. Just lying. I imagine he just fell asleep in the sun one day, but with his head on a rock, and it just sizzled in his brain.

I'm just loving him being like, you know, your father wanted you to have this, and then it's just like a day previous, he's just hallucinating Darth Vader, who's like, give my lightsaber to my boy! He just lays out some sick beats. Obi-Wan's like, yeah, see? Yeah.

I can do that. Obi-Wan went on, like, a pilgrimage in the desert and saw some shit. Just got some hot heat stroke. What's it called Peyote Like a peyote vision quest With a bunch of jawas How great is it

To imagine Luke Flying by in the land speeder And just seeing like Obi-Wan grabbing at the sky Dancing around Just like Oh that's sad That that old man

Is insane Old Ben's gone down Taking space Peyote again ripping space bombs seeing Darth Vader fucking everywhere just gone sleeping like

Ben give my son my swords I'll get there I got that but yes dance with me Ben dance with me like the old raves dance with me under the moonlight

together we will become one and the whole the original trilogy Ben can, well actually he dies pretty quick but it's just like him sobering up as they're like flying up he's like oh shit he's there like fight Darth. He's like, oh shit.

He's there like fight Darth Vader. He's like, oh shit. That's why it's like, you killed me, I'll come back stronger. And I'll have all this goddamn peyote in my system. It'll be gone. I'll be a ghost.

I'll be clear headed. Just like he was a ghost in Yoda and he goes, Yoda's like, you fucked up. You went wrong, buddy. oh crazy ben kenobi but no you could drop a lightsaber is what i'm saying and then someone could just have it well han solo uses luke's lightsaber and um empire strikes back i mean it's very brief but he picks it, he turns it on pretty quickly, and just cuts open a tauntaun.

I think I could use a light saber. I definitely could. I could use a light saber wrong. Yeah, I feel like you'd turn it on wrong. I set myself and it cauterized itself around the light saber. Well, again, in this episode with Steel,

he was talking about in the EU, the comic book, there's a scene where Han, Chewie, and Leia are all just wielding lightsabers. That's the coolest but also the fanfic-tionist bullshit ever. Yep. Chewbacca with a lightsaber. I just want to preface this with the fact that we are recording... Preface your preface, your postface. But yes.

We are recording this before Force Awakens. So if any non-force user use the lightsaber like real well and just like i'm looking at you both finn and kylo ren if somebody sits down like in the force awakens and they're like hi so this is why uh people who don't have the force can't use lightsabers also um yeah so if they do give non-force lightsabers, we've recorded this so far in advance, The Force Awakens has only just been announced, and J.J. Abrams may, in fact, put non-Force users using lightsabers, because he's heard this episode.

That could happen. We sent it to him. It's currently 2014. The first trailer is yet to come out. No, it's 2013. 2006. We're calling a new film Force Awakens. Yeah, I'm calling it now.

Yeah. Look, Revenge of the Sith comes out next week. I'm pumped. I'm pretty excited. I've heard that it's meant to be dark. I am 18. Great. I'm like 13, I guess. This is going to be a fun a fun time for me i got 10 more years of bullshit

but yes yes um i think like it seems like with a lightsaber you just press a button and you're good yeah you do you do you do like that's not complicated press a button like fuck a guy with robot arms can use eight of them at once so yeah it's not even like it's a heat sensitive that's so fucking dumb they have no like safety? yeah they have no like

oh you scan your thumb and that's how if you drop it it turns off maybe it can turn off maybe who knows no no it does every time a lifesaver

is dropped it turns off so maybe it's contact but like if you you can still drop it you don't have like again like a lanyard like a Wiimote thing that would be the worst because if you dropped it it would just swing and cut your leg off.

But if you drop it, it turns off. It doesn't. Or like a chain or something. If it's just a button, that means a very clever throw of a rock could set one off and someone's like, oh, just sliced their leg. Or if you're fighting other force users. Yeah, that's right. They're just like, beep, just turn it off.

Someone throws it at you and you're just like, beep, and it just clappers behind you. You're like, duh. You can throw your lightsaber. Can you? It doesn't turn off. Yeah, you can. Darth Vader does it...

No one does it in the movies, but it's in a lot of the video games. I guess they probably just put it in the video games because they're like... So you've got a ranged attack that wasn't a blaster? Yeah, you've got a ranged attack that's a lightsaber, like a Jedi thing. You just throw a lightsaber. The best part of that is you realise you're about to burp and then lent into the microphone for some reason.

Looked a square in the eye. Fuck you. Here it's coming. Something, like speaking of lightsabers, as an aside something like speaking of lightsabers as an aside plenty of that stuff as an aside speaking of lightsabers as an aside

in an episode about lightsabers speaking of lightsabers on topic is what you meant no I meant speaking of lightsabers full stop as an aside

nope even that doesn't make sense less sense depends on what his follow up sentence is wait give him a time give him time I always think

because in the world of Warcraft yeah in the world of... Warcraft? Yeah. In the world of Star Wars, in the universe of Star Wars... Ah, that was my next guess. There are so many, like, varied races.

And anyone can become a Jedi. That surely you're going to have to design weapons that aren't lightsabers but fill the same function. This is... That's on topic. Well, what the fuck, Eva? What do you mean? Who gives a shit? As in, like, what the fuck ever Who gives a shit So imagine you're a man made of You're a slime cube man

Do I have a hand? No But they're handing out lightsabers How fucking trash Like how the Emperor and Yoda But they got hands They had lightsabers If I'm in the academy

And I'm a little cube of slime. Have we ever seen any non-anthropomorphic race? I don't think... Do the Huts have hands? Yeah. They're tiny trash hands. And there is a Hutt Jedi in the EU and he uses a lightsaber and he goes to Darkseid

and it's gross and I love him. Can you imagine him force jumping and force landing with a weapon? Yes, I can. Like dropping a condom on the floor yeah the hearts of the condom of the alien races that sound um i'm trying to think of of what the alien races we all know what that sound is sorry what jack what i was so we were thinking about condoms i was kind of splatting the floor like what um yeah i'm i'm trying to think. Are there any? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there are no non-sense. What about that elephant dude who's got those, does he have, what kind of hands does he have?

He's playing the flute. Maybe he's got little fat elephant hands. Yeah, but it doesn't matter because they're all hands. Like everyone has hands. Yeah, but he's got thought lines. It doesn't matter. He's playing an instrument. Playing an instrument's harder than holding a light saber.

Yeah, that's true. That's more dexterous. Okay, never mind. My whole point is trash. Everyone in the Star Wars universe has arms. But if they didn't, they'd just use the Force. Yeah, but that was... And let's say if they didn't...

Oh, wait. No, I feel like there is a character somewhere in either a video game or the extended universe that doesn't have arms and the lightsaber floats. Like, they use the Force to use the lightsaber. Oh. Well, that's doubly hard. Is that a thing? Or is that just something that someone has said as wouldn't it be cool if

because i remember michael williams shout out to michael williams saying that that'd just be like anything better be listening get like 10 of them just surround yourself in a whirling thing of lights no i feel like i've seen it in something because i wasn't in that episode was i yeah i was maybe maybe the idea maybe the reason it idea, maybe the reason. I was. Maybe the reason that you don't see non-force users using lightsabers is because it's like a cop's gun. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, you're like, you just, it doesn't belong to you.

Like, it's meant for the ruling body, i.e. the Jedi's. It's not meant for you, a humble trash peasant man. Yeah, but then I can use a blaster. That seems like a bit better. Yeah, that does seem better. A blaster or a blaster rifle or a sniper rifle. Could be that there's no point to using a lightsaber if you're not a Jedi. Because lightsabers inherently are kind of trash.

Yeah. Well, yeah, Obi calls them, like, blasters, a... Primitive weapon? What's a primitive weapon for a different age? That's a lightsaber, yeah? Yeah, I think so, yeah. What does Han call a lightsaber's primitive weapon?

Han talks a lot of shit about the Force. For something that happened pretty recently, Han talks a lot of shit. You were alive during that Han solo. What the fuck are you saying?

He's like, well, you know, people who worship a crazy dead religion, you's like, well, you know, people who worship a crazy dead religion, you're like, for real? For Ray Ray? 20 years old, mate.

No, it's less than 20 years old. Luke is... Actually, I think Luke is 19. Maybe Han Solo was in the outer room not paying attention. No, because the Millennium Falcon is in Revenge of the Sith.

That's true. Han Solo just is in denial. Well, it could just be... The Imperial thingy, what's it called? Propaganda. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Puppet Gandalf.

Could be Imperial Puppet Gandalf. Whatever the thing is, I mean... If you give me a blaster or a lightsaber in a fight, if you don't really know how to use a lightsaber, a blaster's going to win. Yeah, that's true. Because like with the Force, you predict. Yeah, okay, me and you, Jack, having a fight.

I grab a blaster, you grab a lightsaber, I'm just shooting at you. You have to be really, you're going to be like, I'm going to have to do that. You're going to be swinging that lightsaber around. And then I can't attack you. And chances are you're going to miss a bunch of that. Because it's the force that enables you to predict where those blaster shots are going to be.

Well, I'm going to say that because you're gesturing it like you're fighting at this distance, lightsaber's going to win in this distance. Oh, yeah. This distance. Because I can just roll it and damn it's done. No. You just turn the lightsaber on and just hold it in front of the blaster. And then you shoot it and it just deflects straight back into it.

Why are lightsabers made to deflect... Oh, no, wait, never mind. I was going to say, why are they made to deflect blasters? Because I'm missing rock, paper, scissors. You kind of need a... Something I was wondering is that would a gun with bullets be a really effective weapon within the Star Wars universe? No.

Why not? What makes... Gravity is different on every planet. Could make it better, though. It could make it worse. If I fired straight up over someone's head and it just went rocketing down. If you're sitting right next to them,

just punch them in the face. It would be a shield. Yeah, like a steel shield. Made of a lightsaber. Oh, wow, that's cool. If I can look on your face, you went from you piece of trash, it's like, I, that's cool. Yeah, if I can look on your face, you went from, like, you piece of trash,

it's like, I'm on board. I'm on board, yeah. How is it attaching to your arm? Like a bracelet or something. Yeah. But the lightsaber's then touching that brace. Well, the danger of a shield is that you've got a lot of, like,

whatever the fuck a lightsaber's made out of. Oh, imagine, though, you have, like, a lightsaber shield and you just push that one into it. Why was there no, like... Disintegrate them. Yeah, why was there no like full on Jedi, like they're called Jedi Knights, but they're more like monks. How cool would like an actual knight in like full armor be with like a helmet and like a big shield that he can just like run through.

What? Just destroy, like just like a shield sized hole out of an army. That would have been sick. I think that would be kind of cool. You could make it smaller so it's more of a deflecting thing. You can't worry too much about it burning your own hand off. Why not just make whole armor out of whatever the handle is made out of that then just projects a lightsaber armor?

Like about an inch in front of you? Yeah, that you can just like grab people and burn them into ashes cauterize someone like just punch in the face by like a lightsaber gauntlet that's awesome

that's fucking awesome just having a good time making noises and playing pretend apparently there is laws about what Awesome. Just having a good time making noises and playing pretend. Apparently there is laws about what you can and cannot do in terms of a lightsaber. Because I think what Obi-Wan does in Episode 1 is considered illegal by the Jedi Council. He dismembers or vivisects Darth Maul. So is a lightsaber more like a ceremonial weapon? I think so.

I just... Honestly, I don't really know, because there'd be no... But if it is, that kind of makes sense as to why Han Solo talks a lot of shit about it. And he's like, I will use the lightsaber to cut open this tauntaun, but only because I don't have...

A knife? Yeah. I like to imagine somebody with a sword and everybody being like, what the fuck is that? No, it's vibroblades. Oh, they do. It's vibroblades. Oh, yeah, they do have vibroblades. Oh, yeah.

Oh, no, that's in Night of the Old Republic. That takes place a long time. But still. But it takes place a long time before. That's right. That's like being like, we have catapults. We had catapults. But what do those droids use in Grievous' ship?

Do they use the sword? Oh, actually, no, they're vibroblades. They're star things. So they're about vibro stuff your vibro stuff? I know I have your vibro stuff put it in there

I was just thinking even about like because it kind of opens up this idea of like Jedi's are in charge you know what I mean which is also really odd so you're saying that the Jedi... The lightsaber

is only used by Jedis because everyone else realized it's a trash weapon. Like, it's good for very, very... You gotta know how to use it. And the only people

that are gonna use it are the Jedi, which are like our authority police. They kind of are in the prequels. You're kind of like, what's the point of a Jedi?

Is that what you're asking? I guess a little bit. Like, I mean, yeah, he can jump good and he can move things with his mind. Why a Jedi in charge? Yeah.

Also, you know like, fucking, whatever his name is, Greedo. No? Yeah, that's the guy that tries to shoot Han Solo.

No, what's the lad who owned Anakin? Watto. Watto. And he was an O. He's resistant to the Force. Yeah, he's a... So is Jabba the Hutt. I knew it was an O. He's resistant to the Force. So is Jabba the Hutt. Does that mean he doesn't

have any himself? Is his midichlorian count super low? That's really sad. That's really sad that, like, the Force... No, that's good. No, but the Force that exists everywhere and is part of all things and that the Jedi's are like, this is a super spiritual religious thing. The Force is inside all of us. it connects humanity except whatever waddo is and the

huts yeah the trojans and like the trojans and the huts are just kept out of that universal because peaceful force and so i was just thinking you have a force user who just take yeah it mustn't be midichlorians like so we take away the hut being a force user for the time being because if you look at the Watto and the huts, they're kind of gross. Are they like the Satans? No, I'm trying to get here. You know, we all have a common ancestor.

Yeah. Maybe the common ancestor for the Wattos and the Hutts are different than the common ancestor for everything else. Oh, yeah, and they just weren't, like... You know the Twi'leks and the humans and whatever Greedo was and most of the other races, whatever Kit Fisto is. They kind of look human? They're humanoid.

Yeah. So they have that somewhat common ancestor. There might have been a progenitor race that spread throughout the galaxy and and then changed in you know aeons and aeons ago except there was another one that popped out huts and suborbas i mean that's well probably also suborbas he was weird looking but like um huts and waddos jubbers and waddos yes jubbers and waddos because they they they kind of look similar because it's weird that like so i'm assuming jedis are in power because like jedis they seem pointless but i'm assuming jedis are in power because they are objectively more powerful than us more powerful

than me and you we gotta accept that yeah right except for like huts and waddos is that why like the huts run criminal empires because basically they're like cops can't touch me that's like imagine if like there was just like one race of people like when um an inuit and an indian person had a baby that person was impervious to bullets yeah or batons yeah or batons that person those actually no it's probably more like if they're impervious to pepper spray yeah they can just start a criminal empire

if they want because the cops are like well cops can be like we can cops can shoot them but then that's unethical on the cops part

exactly it's like the jellies want to shoot the hunts your shitty pepper spray has no effect on me exactly only money only money

yeah maybe that's maybe that I wouldn't call it I would maybe has no effect on me. Exactly. Only money. Only money. Yeah. Maybe that's why, maybe that, I wouldn't call it a, I would maybe have that being an unintended consequence of the Star Wars universe for the huts to rise up

in sort of the criminal underworld because they can't be mind controlled. But then that would imply that almost every other race has had Jedi's meddling in whatever it is that they're doing. Yeah, true. Because if every other race is being like, I'm in whatever it is that they're doing. Yeah, true. Because if every other race is being like

I'm going to be a criminal. No, you're not. My Jedi mind trick. No, I'm not. Then it kind of implies that the Jedi are really just ruining the system. Or the Jedi's aren't doing that. As in, there could be quite a few.

That are just impervious to because like really in the actual star wars films we don't see that like characters don't interact with that many different races yeah that's true that's a good point and they're like things like gungans no one ever tries to use the force on the gungans because well they should have been like fuck off i may stay in the sea I made the You are gross Yeah I made the These are the droids You're looking for Hand

Yeah But I said fuck off It was good Does No he doesn't Does he None of them do They're all just like

Ah it's probably fine Like I'm trying to think of other Like Like Twi'leks or Twi'leks Or whatever But Twi'leks can become a Jedi

Yeah But like They're force They're clearly They're part of the force Yeah but just because They're force sensitive Doesn't mean they're not invulnerable to the force

like you might like it could just be a brain thing whoa like not admitted fuck midichlorians oh because i guess the more strong you are in the force or the more strong your own willpower your your jedi mind tricks don't work on me i don't because i don't think jedi mind tricks are working on layer as well because otherwise vader would have been able to be like, tell me everything about this. That's true. That's super weird, then, that... Although I think the torturing sort of works, doesn't it? Because she doesn't say where the plans are, but...

Oh, no, they already know they've got the plan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, no, she doesn't know, that's why. She doesn't know what the plans are, she just knows they're on the droid, and they go looking for droids anyway. That's true, and they blow up the Eldrin for no reason, then. Rude. As a true, and they blew up the Eldrin for no reason then. Rude. As a goof, I guess.

No, it's assuredly rebels, the power of the Imperial Army. Like how much you're rubbing your face. Yeah, my nose is... Because we are recording yet again outside. Outside my house again. When there are a lot of trees, I get hay fever.

My nose is a bit itchy. That's all right. Good times. But yeah yeah I was going to say Where's my dog? It's lying in the garage Oh it just lay down It was looking up at something And then it was like

Fuck this And just lay down It's quite a warm day today It's good So if So is that a thing Like in Star Wars If you've got a strong enough will

You can resist Jedi mind tricks Yeah So does that imply that, like, Hutts and Wattos are just born with, like, fucking powerful wills? Like, you look at a stat sheet. Yeah. Their default will is, like, plus five.

Because that's bizarre. And also, if the Jedis want to keep their power, kill the Wattos and Hutts. That would be, like, the Imperial... Like... Maybe that's why they blew up, uh... Oh, no. Never mind mind genis haven't blown up anything no but like i was like the sith probably also want to get rid of them well i think that

the sith would want to get rid of the huts anyway just because they're gross they always seem to be like keep the bloodline pure whatever that bloodline is keep it pure um hot blood gross fatty if force doesn't work on one thing thing is, like, Sith use crazy force. It's like, ah, you're a Mervius to a mind trick. Dry lightning. I can't imagine a heart just copping a fistful of lightning right in the noggin and being like, yeah, nah, it doesn't work on me.

They'd be like, ah, my face hurts. I still got lightning. It's just shadow mind tricks that don't work on me they'd be like my face hurts I still got lightning it's just Jedi mind tricks that don't work on them yeah that's true so that means you could probably still pick up Watto and slam him into the ground

yeah if Watto's like ah your Jedi mind tricks don't work on me you're like fuck you Watto blam force push by

my legs I always I always assume that Qui-Gon like clearly had a lot of options to go with. It's like, your Jedi mind tricks don't work, and you, oh, okay, I'm just going to pick up this junkyard and just hover above your head.

Don't they work for me? Or it's like, oh, I have a lightsaber. Are you impervious? Impervious. Impervious to this? Well, faking death threats isn't a Jedi thing, remember? But gambling, oh, that's good. Raging gambling is good. I love whenambling, oh, that's good. Reading, I love

what I was like, let's roll for it and everyone's just like, hand movement and I was like, why? I'm a fucking idiot. What the fuck? I know about Jedi. God damn, I knew this would happen. Fucking with water you could just use a heavy rock, really. A fly swatter? That's like my

issue with like so many big bands. A brick in a sock sorts out like so many Vader? get him when he's not paying attention swing it round slam it into his hat he uses the force he would just

the brick would bounce off his arm and he'd lock you right in the head nice hat Vader where's Vader he's putting on his hat I like the idea of you trying that

hitting Vader with the brick and it bouncing off his I'm going to hit you square in the face breaking your nose just like a brick shaped like bruise on my face

as Vader turns around like what I'm like, what? I'm like, nothing. This is Jedi. Alright, but Voldemort you could take out with a brick and a sock. You just run up to him and smack him and he's like, oh! He didn't expect it.

Comes out of the blue for old Voldy. Especially if you run up with your wand drawn and he's like, ah, wand battle, and then he pulls his out, and as he does, you just smack him in the head. Cave in his skull, and all of the wizards are watching you, and you're like, yeah! Somebody had to do it!

Bloody Harry. Useless. You're fucking magic shit. Snap your wand! Brick sin sucks! Brick sin sucks! Bricks in socks! He accidentally revolutionizes Hogwarts wrong.

You're never going to start your record off. You're just like holding a brick in a sock. Like hanging down. It's not quite as proud as it could be. If the Jedi used bricks in socks instead of lightsabers, there's not much difference. There's a lot of difference.

Is there? They didn't use one on the Emperor. Just like real good brick in a sock. It's the same thing as Vader. They used the Force. They used the Force. But you could just... You're coming a mile away.

You could use the Force to throw a brick in a sock. You could throw it real far. You don't even need the sock. Just a brick. You can throw anything using a force. But a brick's got good heft. Also, are there bricks in Star Wars?

Yeah, that's right. No. It's mud huts. Mud huts and holes in the ground. I can't remember a single brick. Star Wars. Brickless. A brickless series.

Lots of steel. Yeah. Steel beams. I think I would assume. Exactly. But yeah, it seems like the reason that people don't use the, like, light sabers is just that they either are like, I would rather use a gun or a brick, or... No one is sitting there being like, light saber or brick.

I'm going with brick. That's true. Well, I... Because what else are the uses... Does the lightsaber have? The lightsaber has. A lightsaber cauterizes a wound it makes. Yes.

That's useful. You think about the... For torture. Yeah, it's useful for... Yeah, it's a real good torture device. I'd be thinking it'd be good in using it in other sort of tools, like a smaller, shorter one, almost like a lightsaber scalpel. Right.

You had that technology, and you'd just adapt it, so you'd make tools with it, because, yeah, it'd be really useful, like doing some home renovations, having a little lightsaber, just to get... Yeah, like to get little, like, finickety things,

get, like, tiny ones for, like, tiny work. And they get this lockpick, because you can just cut locks off doors. Yeah, exactly. Just cut through a door. It's not quite a lockpick. Wait a second. Security would be pointless in that world.

Well, I love in the Phantom Menace, right, they're like, when, it's like super early on, when Qui-Gon has... Qui-Gon's trying to cut through the blast door. Yeah, it's like they drop a door, and he's like, blast door, which he can do, but it just takes longer. So they're not like, what's the blast door? Like, they're like, oh, Jedi's are coming, which we want to protect against with the blast door, which he can do, but it just takes longer. So they're not like, what's the blast door?

They're like, oh, Jedi's are coming, which we want to protect against with the blast door, but it doesn't really work. He also does that thing where he just holds his lightsaber in there until he gets super hot. Yeah. Is the lightsaber more of a multi-tool than a weapon? It's more of a multi-tool.

But you're right, there's security to be pointless in the Star Wars universe because if anyone gets a hold of a lightsaber or any kind of lightsaber technology and there's no reason why you couldn't mass manufacture a lightsaber. Who is making them? Jedis. You go into a cave, you find some crystals,

you put them in a thing. It's part of your Jedi training. Yeah, but honestly, like a young entrepreneurial Jedi. You did not seem satisfied with that answer. That's the worst. There's like crystal bat things you gotta kill. Ah, it's time. What the fuck? Like bloody harry potter how everyone has a special one like the whole thing you have special crystal bats no it's like you make your own lightsabers so it's yours yeah

but like is it just like this one specifically could i find a cave and make one without you could find the cave being a jenna harvest the crystal it's on dantooine, I want to say. Yeah, Dantooine. Dantooine? Dantooine, but I'm sure there'd be other... Is that like a sister planet to Tatooine? Eh, maybe. No. That's stupid. Anyway.

It's like how there's Earth and Murph. It's the same thing. Yeah, I get it. If you were a young entrepreneurial Jedi, and you were like, I like being a Jedi, however, I need to make me some hot dollar... None of these are like...

This would be a Sith thing. That's a thing if you... That's fine, a clever Sith. I'm a clever Sith. I'm still being trained by the dollar, like, hot crickets. None of these are, like, this would be a Sith thing. That's a thing if you're... That's fine, a clever Sith. I'm a clever Sith. I'm still being trained by the Jedi because what is a Sith? A fallen fucking Jedi. Anyway. He's got you there, Bob.

They'd sense it. They'd sense it. You'd be fucked. It would be very hard to do this. I would be, like, making a bunch of them, and then they'd be like, what are you doing? If Sam is like Jackson and cut you in, I'll just distract everyone while he does it.

Or they'd sense it. Or they'd censor it but if I'm doing it for like not impure wait what do you mean they'd censor it? No, because if you're

because you were saying if you're in Jedi training and you started making a whole bunch of lightsabers because you're a secret Sith. No, I'm not a secret Sith I'm an entrepreneur. Yeah, you're like

I'm going to make a business I'm going to But that's not they just threw you out of the council. But then I'm going to be like How did Zalman get on the council? He didn't even graduate. But like I'm going to make the business. But that's not... They just throw you out of the council. But then I'm going to be like... How did Tama get on the council? Not the council, they threw you out of the academy.

But I'm not doing it for nefarious... I'm being like, hey... You can't mass produce lightsabers and the Jedi's be okay with that. No, but then they'll be like, why not? We could help the people out. No, because the Jedi's like being in charge. I would... Yeah, because that's not Sith.

I'd be more like, well, you're fucking the people over. Because these things would be really useful as tools. Also, as an aside, And then you join the Sith and the Sith are like, we also don't want you here.

As art as well. Like, could you mention the cool, like, art you could do with a lightsaber? Yeah, man. Like a sculptor and that kind of shit? Yeah.

Useful finickity bits. There's a lot of different paths that you could use a lightsaber for. Because they call... It would be really rude for the Jedi to be like, what do you want to do? I want to build lightsabers

or at least manufacture them smaller and more for commercial use. No. Out of the Academy. Why? It's because... You can't just go around giving everyone swords or guns. Well, they're not... You'd have to do like like, a waiting period. Do a background check?

Yeah. But, like, it's... You'd fail the background check, though. You're a Sith. Well, I'm not a Sith, though. You called me a Sith. I did, and I stand by it. I'm there...

I'm not there... I'm there to be helping the people, and, yeah, I'll make some credits at the same time. Yeah, well, that's what I mean. But if you're an entrepreneur... What, making money is now inherently evil? Yep. Ah, lah.

Destroy capitalism. Fucking, you know who fucking believes in absolutes? Goddamn Sith, you piece of Sith shit. Nah, I'm not a Sith. Well, I got his word for it.

But no, that's weird though. Well, it's because, and again, it's just, this is like a Jedi and Sith thing, it's not really like lightsabers, but they call it

the light and dark side, but it they call it the light and dark side, but it's not really the light and dark side. There are bad Siths. I mean, there are good Siths. Who? No, but like, I can't name any. I don't know any personally. But what I mean is that like the Jedi order

isn't necessarily like a good order of people. They are elitist. Qui-Gon is gambling. No, I just mean even their whole structure is fucked. Anakin slaughters a whole order of people. They are elitist. Qui-Gon is gambling. No, I just mean even their whole structure is fucked. Anakin slaughters a whole bunch of people

and is still considered a Jedi for a while and no one bats an eyelid. It's because For a bit. For a bit. The Jedi are basically like if we let super religious people

be our police, which we don't do. For very good reasons. We avoid that in society. Because like, like, like guys, there's shades of grey in life. There are, like, bad things you can do for good reasons

and good things you can do for bad reasons. But, like, the Jedi sort of don't. Everyone works in absolutes in the land of Star Wars. It seems that it's not just the Sith that work in absolutes as fucking... Yoda says that? Yeah. Actually, no, the Jedi don't Working Absolute, except in the prequels.

But there's not really a Jedi Order in the Ridge Tridge, so, like, they don't really have a chance. Hey, you used a Ridge Tridge properly, because we're still in trilogy. That's good. So, in the prequels, is that why the... Oh, hello, plane. It's back. Good. It's going to come and...

Hello, plane. It has some opinions on Star Wars. Oh, no, it's a helicopter. Oh, sick. Helicopters are rad. And louder, apparently. Yeah. So, when it comes to the prequels,

is that why the Jedi Order were falling? Is it because they were dealing with absolutes? And this is a subtle way that Lucas made the Jedi to be kind of shitty? To be like, they've lost their way, but we're not going to explicitly show it, but we're going to have it... Really, they should have made it a bit more explicit. But in a way to show how shit the Jedi Order has become, isn't it they're losing their way?

Is that they are dealing in absolutes, and they are sort of falling to more the sith way of thinking or at least not to what the jedi are the siths just like evil fuck yeah are they just like it's seek to be bad the sith that we've seen really have only been three yeah okay well no the sith uh usually like fuck yeah me, not fuck yeah evil. Yeah. Well, that's fine. I mean, there's a certain something to be said for that kind of like... I do not understand anyone who loves themselves. It's weird that the Jedi are like, don't be proud of yourself.

No, it's not don't be proud of yourself. That's the point of the new... I mean, this could all be very wrong by the time this episode goes. It is, because of The Force Awakens. But from what I can gather... I hope The Force Awakens is about me. Yes. The adventures of Jill Dusha.

I'm like, oh, God. It is about me. But if you look at the prequels, like what the Jedi Order were, they're also dealing with absolutes, and they fall into disarray, because think about all the kind of shit that they were doing. And they weren't really doing it well and i'm going to raise anakin slaughtering a bunch of sand people yeah and i think yoda feels

it doesn't say anything yeah like oh no you did something bad and i should so and see that's weird because you have that then you have the sith and then in the original trilogy so then you have the sith being like we're gonna fuck shit up this is our thing and then you have the Sith being like, we're going to fuck shit up, this is our thing. And then you have Luke coming in, who was trained at 19, who didn't really get trained in the Jedi ways in particular, the Jedi being like, dealing with absolutes. He got trained by the person who fucked up Anakin's training, just saying.

Yeah, he certainly did. So you have him as a 19-year-old Jedi. I trust Obi-Wan with anything. Hang on, Luke gets trained for about 30 seconds. He certainly does. Oh wait, no, he then gets trained for about 30 seconds. He certainly does. Oh, wait, no. He then gets trained by Yoda. Yep.

But it's not much of training. It's just like I'm teaching you how to... A good six-month montage, maybe. Nah, it's like a... Then he fucks up. Nah, it can't be a six-month montage because that montage happens at the same time that Millennium Falcon flies to a place.

Oh. Two-week montage, maybe. Space is big. Yeah. No, because it's like... I'm going to give it like a month. I'm going to say that all up, maybe Space is big Yeah, no, because it's like I'm going to give it like a month I'm going to say that all up There's a massive plot hole in Empire Strikes Back

And it's this, this exact thing So if anyone's ever like Yeah, no, because when he's Is it Empire Strikes Back? Yeah, it is Empire Strikes Back Because while he's training It keeps cutting back to the Millennium Falcon Flying somewhere

It was a long trip Maybe it's to Cloud City I can't remember They're flying somewhere? It was a long trip. Maybe it's to Cloud City? I can't remember. They're flying somewhere. Either way. When Luke takes out the Sith, so he kills Vader, well, he kills the Emperor.

He kills the Emperor, Vader sepulchres himself by taking off his helmet. Vader kills the Emperor. Anyway. Vader brought balance to the Force. Luke was a bystander. But now Luke is the only real Force user, anyone who's

being trained in anything that's there so if he's going to start an order assumedly that would be hopefully one that kind of takes a little bit of a little bit of both a little bit of what the jedi so you can have emotions you can have this you can do this because i think the big problem of the jedi order was the fact that no you't feel anything. You've got to be a completely stoned sociopath. No emotions, no empathy, no love, no hate. Just nothing. Also, like, don't ever assume that you have the authority, just

because you think you have the authority, to run the world. Like, I like the way that in the prequels they're like, yeah, we send lads out to just make sure things are running smoothly. Your laws, Jedi's, might not be the laws of like gross frog people or like the twitlax might have different rules like you might see someone getting robbed and the jedis are like hey that's not on the twitlax like nah sick for us um that's

how we do that's how we that's it's a courtship yeah exactly someone's just misunderstood that crime pays yeah exactly so yeah you're right there is this sort of uh weird thing that the jedis do here which is that they put themselves jedis assume that they have authority they don't fuck off jedis hey jedis no but the thing because the prequels are absolute trash and george lucas didn't think about anything he was writing yeah uh-huh but what we can take from it because of the timeline is that and it's i guess you can probably if you squint real hard you can see this yoda knows that the jedi order is falling like crumbling around him which is why he just fucks off to dagobah he doesn't try anything he's

just like he's like he dropped his lights over oh i tried no he's just like and like it's the same thing with anakin he knows like he's like this is it's already the beginning of the end before the Phantom Menace even starts yeah so

if you squint and kind of tilt your head you can kind of see these threads there but George Lucas it's an accident that they're there anything good about

the prequels it's just like you point them out to George he's like what so what no I personally didn't put

any themes in my movies. I always love the idea of, in Empire, it's like Mark Hamill being like, yeah, I'm going to wear this black outfit, and then I'm going to have white. Then George being like, that's really cool, I like it. Yeah, because I want to be like, maybe to be, even though I look like I've joined the Sith, but really I'm a Jedi. Oh, that's so cool That's

Oh you're right You're Luke Skywalker I really like In Return of the Jedi You meant to think that Luke has turned evil For a bit Yeah it's good

It's clever They give him evil eyes I like it I'm starting to question George Lucas No Star Wars The Jedi

Sith Both Jedi and Sith Yeah I don't like That the Jedi's Have decided that One's good George Lucas? No. Star Wars? The Jedi? Sith? Both. Jedi and Sith. Yeah. I don't like that the Jedi's have decided that one's good and one's bad. I don't like even that

the movies present it thusly. Yeah. Because aren't they just different ways of looking at living? In episode three, in the Skrull, there's heroes on

both sides. There's not. They don't show that at all. But yeah, you're right. Jedi are inherently good and Sith are inherently evil. Because. There's not. They don't show that at all. But yeah, you're right. Jedi are inherently good and Sith are inherently evil. Because the world's not that black and white, really.

But that's what I'm trying to say with the prequels. The Jedi are bad at that point and it has fallen into disarray. So maybe we did need a cleanse. That'd be nice. I'd be in. I liked that that went under the radar for a bit.

Yeah. Maybe a cleanse was a little necessary But it would be nice to see someone who is a Sith They're just ways of thinking And different ways of using space magic Yeah, it would be nice to see The Force Awakens might have this And we're like, damn, they really showed us But it would be nice to see someone who uses

Again, this is 2006 Who knows? JJ, I'm glad you've listened to this and they really showed us but it would be nice to see someone again this is 2006 so who knows JJ come on I'm glad you've listened to this for wait did you in 2006 anyone know who JJ was

I did because I sent him this podcast because it is 2006 who is JJ Abrams so yeah it'd be nice to see particularly

we take Kylo Ren like is he you know everybody's like oh he's he's Sith but like he might not be. He just might be a Force user who uses wizard magic, wizard space magic, to get what he wants. What do you mean?

Like, I feel like it's just, like, a lad living in the Star Wars universe. If I heard about that, I'd write it in the papers. I'd be like, those fucking space wizards. No, that's okay. Having their problems. Even Luke is a little, like... Everyone in the new, like, the original trilogy, and I think that The Force Awakens is going to sort of follow this it's just all gray area because luke

luke's not like because luke isn't like jedi by like the original the new trilogy the fucking prequels sorry there's so many trilogies now fucking star wars saga bullshit um yeah so the prequel trilogy, the Jedi's presented in that are not like Luke. He's back. He wants opinions. Yep. It's... Correct.

Tell me more. Surprisingly poignant from a vehicle. From a copter? Vehicle. Yeah, so Luke isn't really a Jedi by, like, the... The fucking prequel... Episodes one to three. Yes. Like, the Jedi's presented in that are not like Luke. yeah so Luke isn't really a Jedi by like the the fucking prequel episodes 1 to 3 like the Jedi's presented in that are not like

Luke, Luke is more like a controlled Anakin if anything, like an Anakin that's not like I reckon Luke is going to be I know I use the word grey Jedi and everyone hates me for it but I love it mostly you but Luke could potentially be the next

grey Jedi if we're going to use those words because he has been trained But I love it. Mostly me. Mostly you. But Luke could potentially be the next Grey Jedi, if we're going to use those words, because he has been trained, you know, he hasn't really had that formal training with the Jedis, and he kind of understands, and he was able to sort of give in or succumb to the dark side and kind of seize the... You know that battle where he's actually fighting Vader,

he kind of has that big power stance, he's fucking wailing away at him. That is sort of giving in to the dark side of it. where he's actually fighting Vader, he kind of has that big power stance, he's fucking wailing away at him. That is sort of giving into the dark side of it. He's giving into anger. It's a pure emotion there. He does see the benefit, or at least the use, of giving into your emotion.

That's a super cool thing about Luke, is that if you think about it, he's actually not really trained. They say he's trained to be a Jedi, and that's what Obi-Wan says, but he's not really. He's just trained to use the Force. Which, if I was in charge, I would be like, let's just do that.

Fuck the organizations. Just train people to use the Force responsibly. That brings me back to... Use Force responsibly. Yes! That brings me back to how Yoda was like, this is fucked. He knew it was fucked before everything went to shit. Yoda, basically, his advice to Luke after he's like, carry me around, throw me fucked. Like, he knew it was fucked before, like, everything went to shit. Yeah. Like, Yoda, basically, his advice to Luke

after he's like, carry me around, throw me in the swamp, whatever, he's like, hey, just be careful. Just don't be a fucking dickhead and you'll have a good time. Kind of adds and sheds a different light

on the prequels if you kind of look at it through that sort of lens. If Yoda's had enough by episode one, he'd just be like, there's some going on here. And he just sort of is going through the motions episodes one two and three before he's like no fuck it cuz Mace Windu is like don't let Anakin in and Yoda's like no because yeah

give it a go see what happens like clearly you could have kept going but it's kind of like nah stop hmm if you kind of think about from Yoda's being like this is this is there's nothing I can here. This has been coming for a long time. Yeah. Fuck me. Because they became too big for their own boots. Exactly. It's the same thing.

Because Jedi went so far... If you go so far to the light side, you find yourself kind of the dark side. Yeah. It's like that political thing where it's like too far left, you're a bit right. That's beautiful. Because it's not a spectrum.

No. It's a spectrum of a circle. That's beautiful. Because it's not a spectrum. No. It's a spectrum of a circle. It's not like... Never mind. And on that note... It's like a color wheel. Yeah. Yeah.

And on that note... I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Yeah. Hope Star Wars Force Awakens was good. I hope somebody puts a brick in a sock. I hope Kylo Ren...

No, I hope Finn is like... That's how he ends up crying. I know what to do. Smack Kylo Ren in the face. And also, George Lucas, you're welcome for my theory, and that makes the prequels better. I like that there's this, just before we go, that there's this desire that everyone has to come up with a theory to make the prequels better. I like that there's this, just before we go, that there's this desire that everyone has

to come up with a theory to make the prequels good. I know. It's amazing. People are like, oh, Darth Jar Jar. Darth Jar Jar is absolute trash. People keep tweeting me being like, how do you feel about it? Bad.

I feel bad about it. I'm sold. I'm good, though. I'm sold. I'm in. Have you seen the videos where Jar Jar's mouth is moving when they're talking? Yeah. It's well fucked.

The only thing that I could use to disprove it is the fact that I just don't think Lucas was that... They weren't going to turn a character that was meant to be the main drawcard for the kids into a bad guy. No, but those kids would be all grown up, and they would have their teenage angsty years. No. They'd be like, that's what I feel like would be perfect. No. But no, I don't think Lucas would have been that clever.

No, yeah, I mean, like, fuck whatever douche is saying, but I agree with you. I don't think Lucas has the brainpower. Every other character in that movie is such garbage that if Darth Jar Jar was this clever clever like jar jar binks was this kind of clever it just would be a standalone nonsense so and if they're going to do that they would have just picked another character they wouldn't have abandoned that plot line completely what do you what do you what well they kind of pick it up with dooku yeah that's what it's that's the

that's the argument is that dooku feels so forced because they were like, uh, Dooku. And really it was meant to be Jar Jar. Yeah. But if everyone hated Jar Jar, they would have just done that anyway, and then people would have been like, oh, I like Jar Jar again. No, but he didn't want to risk it. You see all the interviews with him where George Lucas is like, um, they're like, oh, you know, did you change stuff?

And he's like, yeah, I had heaps of stuff planned for Jar Jar, but hey, you gotta give the people what they want. Lightsabers and fights. Jar Jar is the key to all this. Jar Jar is the key, Dusha. I want to believe. I want to believe. I'm still unhappy and hate it.

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