Plumbing the Death Star - Why are Wizards So Ignorant?

Episode Date: May 29, 2016

In which our heroes notice that Harry Potter remains very popular, remember that they’ve spoken about it previously and cynically decide to do so again by asking why Wizards are so ignorant about the Muggle world. It’s a Plumbing the Death Eaters revival as we take on Big Owl, explore alternate-reality console release schedules and invite J.K. Rowling to deliver some 100% canon Harry Potter exclusives. Jackson is legitimately concerned about his hypothetical child’s magical indoctrination, Zammit opens a whole new world with the wand/gun hybrid and Duscher just wants to eat pizza into a microphone like a dickhead. Prepare yourself to be repeatedly appalled by the archaic and self-destructive discrimination of an unjustifiably self-satisfied realm. All Wizards Are Bastards.Want to help us educate wizards? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, we can finally get them the proper education they need.And don’t forget to purchase your copy of Plumbing the Death Star Vol. 1 right now available at https://audiobooksontape.com/shop/plumbing-death-star-bonus/, grab some Sanspants Merch here http://teepublic.com/user/sanspantsradio and vote for us in the Podcast Awards here http://www.podcastawards.com! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Peloton all-access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. Sandspans Radio, we record this lying down. Hey, it's 11pm, I'm in a bathrobe and tired as fuck. But I'm here to tell some things at you. Plumbing the Duster has released ab cassette tape for all your listening needs it includes hours of ad-free plumbing episodes 30 hot episodes of movie maintenance and seven whole hours of dinosaur park the tabletop rpg and now ban 1988 role-playing system that uses twigs and spit instead of dice details are in the show notes

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You enjoy the episode. Hey, everybody. Welcome to another episode of Plumbing the Death Eaters. That's right. A secret part eight. We planned this the whole time. It's all been leading to this. We'll be asking important questions like

why are wizards so ignorant? Okay, so it pisses me off because I've been watching Harry Potter again and I'm getting new beefs. I'm coming out of it angry. There could be a part nine. You never know. Why in a wizard world is my dad or little brother there?

No, your mum. What's up, mama? Come on in. I think my mum has snacks for us. She does. Oh, my God. Thank you. This is the best.

It's a pizza. Mum brought us snacks. Thanks, mum. Thank you. Bye. Yeah, pizza. Oh oh it smells real good anyway we'll eat that eventually probably in the episode i could eat it now lads i'm gonna be talking for a while but so uh yeah i've been watching i'm getting new beefs right and i i hate it that the wizards are clearly a minority of the world, right?

Yet, for some reason, they refuse to learn anything about Muggle society or Muggle technology. To a point where it's just kind of ridiculous. Like, you have people who live in clearly wizard neighborhoods. So these, like, gentrified... The wizards live here, the Muggles live here. Very segregated, yes. Petrified. Yeah.

The wizards live here. The muggles live here. Very segregated, yes. Who just won't... They refuse to learn... Like fucking Arthur Weasley, head of goddamn muggle investigations or whatever at the ministry, doesn't know what a fucking rubber duck is.

He doesn't know what a goddamn phone booth is. And it's sort of weird because when you have someone like Hermione Granger... Aye. Your parents are muggles. Yeah, the amount of mudbloods that you have someone like Hermione Granger, her parents are muggles. Yeah, the amount of mudbloods that you have in... There's a lot of mudbloods going to Hogwarts. I'm assuming that would be all involved in the Wizarding World.

It takes place in the 90s, right? Harry Potter. Yes. So why is Hermione not like, hey, do you want my AOL chat account to Harry? And Harry's like, what? Even fucking Harry should know. I'm sure the Dursleys have a computer.

Oh, the Dursleys. I do feel that the Dursleys would be ones that would be keeping up with the technological trends. Is anybody... Like, I feel like, realistically, at Hogwarts, you would get the muggle-born kids, or at least the ones with, like, one wizard parent, you know, and one muggle parent.

Yeah, either the muggles or, like, the mudbloods or the... Is there a difference between, like, half-castes and mudbloods parent Yeah, either the Muggles or like the Mudbloods or the Is there a difference between like Half-Cast and Mudbloods? No, I don't think so I think it's all Mudbloods Because there should be If both your parents are Muggles you are like a dirty Mudblood But if like one is a wizard and one's a Muggle

there should be like another name You're alright, I guess No, you're like a Mulatto Like a Half-Blood? Yeah I don't know what they'd call them Because one of them is Well, there's the half blood prince.

They do say half blood sometimes. Okay, maybe half blood is what it's called. No, because mud blood is... Mud blood is where all your blood is mud. And half blood is where only half your blood is mud. Okay. All right. But you'd think at Hogwarts...

Realistically, though, if you are a child of two muggles and you're a wizard, that should make you better than everyone else, not worse. Yeah, because you live in both worlds. Yeah, someone's like, you know, doing fucking spells, and it's like, uh-huh, uh-huh, gun. Yeah, like, I have a wand and a gun. No, but even that, like... Oh, man, I go, a wand on a gun.

So you can cast a spell, it doesn't work, shoot your gun. You can just be like Avada Kedavra, bang! And the bullet encased in, like, death magic. Fucking ice is the guy doesn't matter if you get him in the foot he's done you have to flint

the fucking bullet mate I thought about like I laughed about the idea of like the wand is in the gun like as in like you cast a spell and then you shoot

your wand at them no but as in like mudblood should be more because it's more special yeah not as in not even the two worlds thing it's more remarkable it's yeah it's more oh my god is wiz is a mutant thing maybe kind of but also how does

it work somebody did like i remember that i don't i could not tell you the specifics but i'm sure you can look it up online a geneticist went through and was like i'm gonna figure out how obviously magic is not real but they're like if it was i'm gonna figure out how it would kind of diffuse and work and then they realized that jk rowling didn't really put that much into the story she probably did actually but what i'm thinking yeah is going back to the gun idea is kind of like if you're a mug like a muggle yeah like a mudblood or a nomadge from america or a muggo if you're an australian i don't like that at all nomadge is bad no no no it sounds bad but say it with like a southern accent Fucking nomadges Now it works

Gun dang nomadges Keep out of my swamp If you get like a gun right Fucking muggers You fucking muggo mate It's not Jackie Rowling has not confirmed at this point But if we do not in Australia call muggles

Muggos Shit man So get a gun or something like that has not confirmed at this point. But if we do not in Australia call muggles muggos, shit, man. So get a gun or something like that, or a rifle. Yeah. Or even just like a sweet sword. But you probably want a gun. And you take that gun and you'd be like to Oliver.

Wizards have swords. So get a gun. So, no, Ollivander. Yeah, Ollivander's wands. Ollivander's wands. You go to Ollivander, like, Ollivander, plunk the glock down and be like, put some fucking unicorn hair in that shit. Yes.

Make that magic. Golly. You can't just make a gun or wand, I don't think. No, Ollivander. You can enchant things, though. Make that a wand. Why not just enchant a gun? Make that a wand or I'll shoot you.

I will take fucking Diagon alley out i am a dangerous human being fucking look me in the eyes and call me a mugger you can't because i fucking dare you if you took it apart like a wand right you know you can kind of have like the unicorn hair dragon bane or whatever the fuck is in it just like lace the handle or something with that or just get a bit of the gaffer and just wrap the wrap your wand to the gun and be like good enough like a bayonet you know you got the gun and the the amount of potential for this wand gun so transfiguration yeah is a spell like class or like i don't know whatever you call it like a spell um discipline so imagine just being like you're a cat you're a cat you're a cat with your gun shoot some guy in the head and he slowly becomes a lizard winner winner chicken it's like you're a cat no i'm not meow You're a fucking cat, mate.

Meow. Good. But going back to, like, you have these wizards who do live in the muggle world 90% of the time. Surely, at Hogwarts, you have those kids gathering around talking about the 1999 Godzilla movie. Yeah. While the wizard kids are like, what the fuck's a movie? Yeah. How does that not happen?

Is there, like, a kibosh on muggle stuff at Hogwarts? Can I bring my Game Boy to Hogwarts, is I guess what I'm asking. What's going not happen? Is there like a kibosh on Muggle Stuff at Hogwarts? Can I bring my Gameboy to Hogwarts? Is I guess what I'm asking What's going to happen? Because I'm just thinking you would have Sorry I just got distracted by like your web in the corner With so many bugs So you'd have something like

There are many Rather than classes Because you've got Slytherin, Gryffindor blah blah So you hang out with Slytherin, you hang out with Gryffindor if you're in one of those. You would seek out people who have the same kind of- You might only hang out with the other Muggle-borns in Gryffindor. I think realistically at Hogwarts, everybody's hanging out all the time. Nobody's sticking to houses.

That's nonsense. But they do encourage that sort of network. But you might find the muggle-borns no you would hang it like it'd be like think of your homeroom in a club yeah but

it's like your homeroom but more intensified because you live there because you live no no yeah I agree I guess they probably would but I don't think you would seek out

like if I'm a half-a-puff I'm not gonna be like let me find some sick raven called muggle-borns unless all the muggle-borns in half-a-puff fucking hated me

Joel Dusha goes for the first slice of pizza well I get it it's gonna go cold otherwise and it smells real good Let me find some sick Ravenclaw Muggleborns. Unless all the Muggleborns in Hufflepuff fucking hated me. Joel Dusha goes for the first slice of pizza. Well, I get it. It's going to go cold otherwise, and it smells real good. Mum brought it to us on like a wooden plate. Mum, you're an angel. If she even put a bit of goddamn basil on top. Oh, my God.

Champ. Good pizza. Anyway. What pizza? A little bit of break for pizza. Yeah, I'll grab one too. No, I'm all right. I got to keep talking about muggles. Muggles.

So Harry references a PlayStation, so he knows what video games are. That must suck for Harry. Like if he's like, I really enjoy like Crash Bandicoot, but here I am at Hogwarts and I can't even, you know. I just don't see why. Like I've heard somebody say somewhere that muggle technology doesn't work around wizards.

Okay, I don't know if that's true or not. I've not really had that confirmed. So you can't get like a... So kind of, if I bought a Game Boy, the reason I'm not playing it in Hogwarts is because when I hop on the Hogwarts Express and I'm like seeking fucking up Mario in like Mario 2, whatever, the Lost Levels,

oh, it's fucking fizzling out and broken down and I have to get something from the trolley to fucking Magic Frog or whatever. Well, that makes sense because if they have like a dome of anti-magic or whatever the fuck they're going around in hogwarts something similar because they if they don't want to be recorded or known about the wizarding to the muggle world they they don't they're not wanting to be recorded yeah that's true i guess they don't want somebody coming in with like a sneaky digi camera yeah like a digi camera back then. But nowadays, like an iPhone, you need an iPhone to capture a wizard.

Oh, no. Yeah, then everybody's in trouble. But I want to know why. Like, why not? Like, you would think the wizards are like, look, okay, we live in the world. Same as humans do. Same as muggos and nomadges and muggles, right? Where we're all living amongst the same universe.

Yeah, it looks good. Why not just be like, look, let's join forces. Then everybody's happy. Like, is it this fucking elitist goddamn wizard bullshit where they're like, no, no. Also, you'd think, particularly for the Dark Lord, because they come in and they inform the Prime Minister of the UK. They're like, oi, he's back.

He's like... Funny to imagine. Like wizards just don't give a shit that much about muggles. They're like, Oi, yeah. You fuckhead. Fucking Voldy's back.

Yeah? All right. Fuck off now. But why are they informing him? Exactly. It's not like they're informing him to seek aid or seek assistance. It's kind of like,

wait, mate, you know them bridges being fucked up? Yeah, just come over here. You can put a road block down. You might, you know,

be taken over the world pretty soon. Just thought I'd keep you updated. Anyway, off we fuck. Keep me in loop or whatever. What did Voldemort do?

He killed a lot of wizards. You know? Do you know what that sounds like? What what not my problem the muggle just like gives a shit not a wizard i'm fine maybe does he want to kill you just once in a while yeah at the quidditch world cup there are just like a lovely muggle couple living at um the fucking uh like wherever they hold the ceremony or whatever and

he fucks them up like he hates mud muggles he hates muggles and he hates muggles yeah i think it's kind of like he's going to control the wizarding world and then probably destroy oh wait he's like wizard hitler isn't he yeah he's like and he destroys um uh bridges and shit which do affect muggles. Exactly. Not my fucking bridges. They're everything. That's all we muggles have. The wizards have magic, but we're lucky in that we have bridges. It'd be funny if wizards just couldn't figure out how to build bridges.

They're just like, we just wade through the water. You might be onto something. Uh-oh. Because they magic everything. Yeah. So manual labor would be easily bred out. And also, wizards aren't going to need to learn that kind of, like, architecture or engineering because it just doesn't come into it. What I think is really interesting with wizards, right, talking about technology, is that they seem to be stuck with, like, 1930s technology in the 90s.

30s technology in the 90s so that implies that at some point unless either wizards invented radios and then let the muggles know or there was a point where we were exchanging technology and then they just decided to stop. What happened in the 19 sort of

like say, did World War II stop wizards? Was Hitler a wizard? No, no. Who was his mate? Voldemort's mate that Dumbledore's mate Grimlo Grumblebo

his name starts with G hang on I'm going to check this because it's going to be one of those things Grundy Willow Jane Gruntilda Grundlebum Grundle the trundle train It's going to be one of those things. Grundy Willow Jane. Gruntilda. Grundle bum. Yeah.

Grundle the trundle train. Grindelwald. Grindelwald. All right. So, yeah, Grindelwald was basically like the problem. Because that happened in World War I or II, yeah? 1945. Okay.

Oh, the duel between him and Albert Stumbledore happened in 1945. Yeah. So there's very strong allegories. There's definitely a connection there But is that the kind of thing that would stop wizards using muggle technology? Well, maybe it was kind of like, because Grindelwald was like, there's this crazy guy I know. He's got some

radical ideas. Jesus Christ. Hitler. Oh, I see. And maybe the wizarding world will be like that's fucked that is fucked this is fucked

let's just put a kibosh on wizard human relations because that's why you'd be like well if wizards were around in like Auschwitz times

why didn't they stop Auschwitz yeah that still pisses me off about wizards stop hate and war crimes please wizards you can so maybe

and there has to be a divide before because again there has to be a divide before then. Because again, there has to be a giant divide. Let's list the kind of technology, muggle technology that we see in Harry Potter. Gramophones, I can think of. Radios, I can think of. I know that the, whatever,

the wizard band that they watch in the fourth one has microphones. So microphones exist. They don't have any screens of any kind are there any other kind of technologies that they have that we can think of do they have any like electric lights um no because it's all well maybe they do but from memory mostly it's candles i think actually in the ministry they have electric lights yeah but they're still like 1930s to 1940s and dumbledore can can get the lighter and take away lights from lamps.

Yeah, that's true. Also, there's that guy who drives a bus. Oh, yeah. That's a good point. And I guess even the Weasleys have automobiles. A flying one, mind you. That fucking car. This is an aside, but it pisses me the fuck off.

Why does it become alive? They never talk about it. They're like, Harry and Ron get out of the car. It's like, lol, I'm alive now, and goes and lives in the forest. And they're like, in it crazy, being a wizard. And you're like, no, no, no, no, no. That's not a thing that happens anywhere else. Okay, here's an idea.

Is granting like enchanting something so it does something that's sort of what it's not meant to do? So like you enchant this car so it flies. Not only are you making it flying, but it's like an unintended consequence of what it's not meant to do so like you you enchant this car so it flies not only are you making it flying but it's like i don't think a consequence of making it sentient well then let's not enchant a gun so there's this point where there's this car's just like bumbling along and then something's like oh my car oh my car what and it you you saves harry and ron from big spiders there's some trash right there um so are we to assume that something happened in about 1945 hitler maybe that made the wizards be like nope washing our hands of muggles i just double checked

the grindelwald uh domaldor thing he didn't have anything to do with muggles so it can't have been that also world war ii happened yeah also i just realized that so because when i was quickly reading that article you know getting some knowledge freshening up the old brain. Yep. Dumbledore died in 1997, which means that in the world of Harry Potter, PlayStation was invented earlier than it was in our reality. Hey, that's true. Because Dudley gets a PlayStation. P-lay-station.

P-lay-station. He gets a PlayStation in the fourth playstation he gets a playstation in the fourth book which would be like 1994 yeah true which is a lot earlier than it came out

I remember because it made like I pissed myself laughing at it because he throws his playstation out the window because he crashes

shit it's about a game or something yeah I don't remember why as a child I found that very funny still pretty good when was playstation

invented in 1990 I'm gonna say it's either 5 or 6 yeah which is crazy and weird a child i found that very funny still pretty good when was playstation's invented in 1990 i'm gonna say it's either five or six yeah which is crazy and weird i wonder what the implications of that are as well like that's a technology i mean certainly in terms of video games like that's a couple of years we've got kind of um the wizards have on us but like because i remember vaguely something in jk rowling saying that the reason why wizards didn't do anything in World War II is because they were dealing with Grimwald. So one person is a hassle for the wizards,

so they're like, let's see what happens. Oh, yeah, I guess he was probably Wizard Hitler. Yeah. So was there a second wizard World War II, a WWW II happening? No, that wasn't what was happening. Oh, so he was part of it, working alongside him. No, no, no, I'm saying while World War II was happening in our world The wizards couldn't do anything because they were too busy dealing with Grindel

I hate that, I think that's such nonsense Because the wizards act like they are so separate from us But actually they're not They can't be There's just not enough Also, it's not just Fucking hang on a second, you're right They're not separate from us They can't be. There's just not enough. Also, it's not just... Fucking hang on a second.

You're right. They're not separate from us because not only is it like mudbloods and halfbloods that are getting letters, it's actual fucking wizarding families. So there's no wizarding preschool. There's no wizarding grade school. They're integrated generally within society, correct? Yeah. From the age of like five to the age of say twelve

they are attending wizard primary school. Well they're not though. I mean, no, no, sorry, just basic muggle primary school. Unless they're too... Unless they're all homeschooling their kids and that's bad too. That is very bad. That would be bad a lot. Oh yeah, I guess.

That's so messed up then that the wizards who are essentially for the first 10 years of their life, 10 odd years of their life, muggles will then just step out and be like, no, I'm separate. And also imagine if there was a fucking, you've got your kid, right? Little, little, little Gruntilda, right? And you take her to primary school. Does she speak in rhymes?

Yeah, she does. Good. There's like another family, right? And they've got a nice a nice little kid hey gruntilda gets along really well with this kid so you're like hey let's hang out and they're like oh no and you're like why not they're like we just can't oh and then you're like what happened to your friend primary school she's like i don't know yeah another thing it's like i don't know in the end of grade six it's kind of like where are you going to the high school next kind of stuff and you always generally go with you know the same districts you generally have people from the same grade school go to the same high school probably not with this case yeah they just

depends how common wizards are like would hermione have had people in her year level because that's a good point harry is a bit of a different case because no one loved or cared about harry did harry even go to a school yeah he went to a primary school they talk about him before he even speaks basel tongue he magics himself onto a roof or some shit sick um also i just had again looked into the playstation debacle uh it's been explained by harry having little interest in muggle technology because it's mentioned in a letter so just like harry probably got the name of the console wrong. So what, he was thinking of like a Sega Genesis? Yeah. But then how do you know the name PlayStation?

Boom. Exactly. That's how they get you. There's a hole. Play, I mean that's fair enough. Station? He's not calling it any console. So it was thrown out of his window in the summer of 1994. When was Playstation invented?

They were released in December 94 in Japan And September 1995 in Europe So maybe There was discussions in like Technological magazines or game magazines Which he wouldn't be reading if he has no interest But maybe he kind of got Some Maybe he was taking a shit

And Dudley who is very into these things, had just left the magazine on top of all of Harry's porn. I'm trying to find anywhere that lists... Problem solved. ...the kind of wizarding... How many wizards? Okay. There were over 100,000 wizards in attendance

at the Quidditch World Cup in Britain. Okay, so there are at least 100,000 wizards in Britain at the Quidditch World Cup in Britain. Okay, so there are at least 100,000 wizards in Britain and maybe surrounding Europe. No. There are several hundred students in residence at Hogwarts at any given time. Jackson, it's the Quidditch World Cup. Yeah, but it takes place in Britain.

Yeah, but... Yeah. Anyway, I've got better stats here. Okay, so... The global muggle population was about 5 billion in the 1990s. 5 billion? Muggle. Which means that the wizard population was about 5 billion in the 1990s 5 billion? Which means that the wizard population was 500 million It is said that also the British wizard population is about 3,000

One third being Hogwarts students That's not a good ratio So hang on, if one third So a third of wizards are like students Yeah What happens to wizards When they leave Hogwarts Because if you have a society

Where a third of you are students At a high school That's not good I'm assuming that Why is there a wizarding boom Listen to this on the Wikipedia Despite their science and living conditions Being almost medieval

Wizards are ironically probably healthier than muggles Due to their lack of drugs, hazardous substances Waste and computers But also they cannot become a cat So fuck off Wikipedia What the fuck are they talking about Their lack of computers makes them healthier I don't fucking know

Fuck off Harry lives under some stairs That's not healthy Also, lack of drugs You're telling me that no wizard out there is getting fucked off butterbeers? Yeah, I know Or the cocaine equivalent? Buttercoke?

Buttercoke? Buttercocaine That'd be so funny to see like a wizard Like a wizard just do it like racking up lines and then just casting spells really fucking nearly

pew pew everything in his house is cussed because it's gonna be pew pew pew and he wakes up and he's like I don't know

what was what because there's gotta be a time where some of the wizards have gone off the chain imagine turning everything back

finding out what it was you turn something back and it's just something that's not yours and you're like I actually don't know what I did turn it back it becomes like a jaguar it was you turn something back and it's just something that's not yours I actually don't know what I did turn it back

it becomes like a jaguar you're like turn that back into a cup what the fuck was that that's my precious

jaguar cup because the thing about it there's going to be wizards who are out there who don't agree with the establishment

or just drop kicks or like Sirius Black who's like fuck my family and like whatever but there's going to be

other kids and people who are like fuck this I'm just going to be other kids and people will be like, fuck this. I'm just going to get into drugs. Yeah, I'm sure wizards live equally unhealthy lives. That Wikipedia page doesn't know what it's talking about. Like the Wikipedia page that said that Harry might have called the PlayStation a wrong thing, but he wouldn't have known what a PlayStation was. Exactly.

So get the fuck out. Sus. But also like with wizards, you just literally cut, like I was reading that, and it says that wizards often find themselves in communities. Likeric's hollow is one community that's where harry's parents lived hogs made that's another one that's where like you know the students can go because i guess it's near hogwarts but they can only go there after fourth year hogs made is dangerous i don't know yeah i guess they're like 12 though actually so kind of makes sense no drinking's involved so it'd be it's butter butterer is not alcoholic for wizards.

It's not. For wizards? It's alcoholic for fucking... What?! Do you not... Butterbeer is not an alcoholic drink. It's alcoholic... Hang on. It's alcoholic for housemate,

house fucking elves. Ah, okay. Yeah. Are they going to say for muggles? There's the fucking drunk house elf. No, I was worried you were going to say muggles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think Butterbeer justbee it's just like a drink

I don't know but don't they when they're drinking for the first time what are they doing they're just burping and shit yeah like it's not

alcoholic at all yeah maybe the age of drinking and wizarding will be lower just to cope probably it's a pretty medieval society

I just don't see why you wouldn't be like look there's advances in technology there's advances in medicine because how good is an owl, really, to communicate messages? Email works a lot better, a lot quicker. Text messages.

You can't shoot an email out of the sky. An owl can get got by an eagle. An owl can get got by an Avada Kedavra. Which does happen. Yeah, but like, eagles are just naturally everywhere. It wouldn't even be like, yeah,'m waiting on like the death certificate because my grandpa died from Nan you're like where is it your owl doesn't arrive you're like

I wonder I guess I'm waiting for two death certificates exactly and finally another owl comes like sorry your owl was eagled along the way you're out of luck what if he's like a shit kicking wizard right and for like a bit of a rebel bit of a like for fun what you do is you go up to the owl tower and you start have a cadaver and everybody exactly as owls come in have a cadaver

you don't make a biological act like an animal your method of sending information that's you know why we don't use pigeons anymore those reasons that'd be so funny just to feel like so had a... So Finnegan has been expelled from Hogwarts. He killed all your owls. But because of that, we now have emails. You know who it would be? Big owl business. Lobbying to ensure that owls are made...

Yeah, it's Big Owl. It's Big Owl, that's the problem. Same reason why we have lots of redundancies in our current world. You know the penny problem in America? Is it the pennies? Yeah. It's kind of like where they're just stupid. No one wants them at all.

In fact, they cost more to make than they are printed and that kind of stuff and they really just want to get them out but zinc because that's what pennies are made of from memory

it's the zinc and it's the zinc companies who are really pushing to make sure that the pennies stay in circulation so it's owl companies so it would be like the people who are selling owls

going on to be like you know we're now we need the owls gotta keep the owls in the population email you can't connect me close to an email

fuck that off. Yeah, you're like, what? Slander. How would you even do an ad? Well, actually, you wouldn't need to because there's no fucking advertisements for wizards. You don't need to sell wizards everywhere. Yes, you do.

Nimbus. Where do they sell that? There's advertisers for the paper. In the newspaper. Yeah, there's advertisers for like... Print media's dead, wizards. Not in the 90s, it wasn't. It's booming

yeah that's true i guess emails were dead emails didn't really exist i mean little babies are like 94 so that was the year that the dursley's got a playstation apparently i'm still salty about that jk no because all she needed to do was be like it's set in fucking current times but no she was like no it's set like 10 years ago all she needed to do would be like, it's set in fucking current times. But no, she was like, no, it's set like 10 years ago. All she needed to do would be like, it's a fucking SNES or whatever. And then it's fine. It's because when she was writing it, she would have been like, what's so popular? Oh, the PlayStation.

What's the games the kids play? Oh, PlayStation. That's my JK Rowling impression. Hello, I'm JK Rowling. I wrote a book about Whizzer. That's a real good impression. Harry Potter goes to space in this one. Gays to space.

You might have noticed this reading the book, but not only is Dumbledore gay, Snape was his father. And it's canon now because I've said it. Did you know that Hermione was also the president the whole time? Thank you, Alvin J.K. Rowling.

It's Voldemort, not Voldemort. I thought your name was Rowling. No, you were wrong. It's canon. Hogwarts is now a boat. Stop fucking changing your book, J.K. It's done. It's published.

It's done. Move on. You can't just keep saying stuff and be like that's the new um so what do you think in the modern day and age where we live in this quite connected sort of like everybody's hooked up to everybody else a wizard's gonna be able to survive the way they are now how the fuck does the wizard census work i guess the government's in on it. Well, the Prime Minister knew about wizards because he's back.

Higher ups knew about wizards and shit. So they're keeping that from us. They're like, hey, Prime Minister, he's back. And it's like, oh god, the bridges. Didn't they? But when the bridges were back, who was gone? I don't know. Don't they do a little bit of memory forgiveness? I think they were giving us fucking us good, pretty much. Because

there is that spell that Hermione casts on her parents to be like, always forget about me. That's a real stupid moment for you, Hermione. It did not happen. You're the cleverest person in the books, and that was a real dumb thing to do. You could have just been like, mum, dad, go to Australia? They're not coming for you there.

We ain't got nobody. Also, why does it matter if they don't know who she is they're still gonna die that'd be so funny like where's your daughter don't have a daughter liar that's what i mean like at least if they knew then you could just cave and then maybe live yeah they would cave and still be dead but at least this way you could be know why you're dying yeah exactly nice i don't know i think it was just like mom dad fuck off yeah mom dad this has happened look this has happened this is part of being a wizard and also it was like go to australia oh we can't afford it all that's gonna take time i'll just teleport you yeah i'll just operate there you go that's

another question so you're muggles and you give birth to a wizard. Do you then get let in on wizard culture? Or do you have to live in this weird bubble where you live in normal muggle culture? And your daughter comes home and she's like, hey, mum and dad, guess what? I fought a fucking troll. And you're like, can I actually go to your school to chat to your teachers? And she's like, no. You'll just see it as a crumbling castle. You're like, I hate this life I live.

Do they know that Hermione's a wizard? Yeah. That's what happens. I remember there's a meeting between Hermione's parents and Arthur and I always forget the mum's name. Molly. Molly, that's the one. Arthur and Molly and Hermione's parents and they're like

just super awkward because of course you would be because here are these people that live like somehow a completely different existence. Because if my daughter came up to me and was like, as an 11-year-old, I fought a troll. Sorry, what was that? A troll. Is that horny? What do you mean a troll?

Like a troll doll? No, no, no. It was 10 feet tall. And was like, give me your number to your principal. Yep. He doesn't have a telephone. He doesn't have a telephone. I'll give you his owl.

What the fuck? All right, let's go. What the fuck do you say? We're going to Hogwarts right fucking now. It's super messed up because also, Hermione never goes and shops for books with her parents. She always goes and shops for books with Ron's family. Because I don't think that Hermione's parents can get into Diagon Alley.

And that's messed up. That means you, as a parent of a wizard have no form of security or control over what they do would you even believe any you get an owl that comes to your house and I'm sure they send a wizard down to give you like the brief

someone's like your daughter's a wizard I'm like no fuck off mate and then it'd be like no no no no here's a we'll prove it my house dropped a letter it was like your daughter has been accepted to attend in the be like i well at first i'd be like who's the fuck is sending owls about my daughter i'd be like who've you been talking to you've been talking to anybody any strangers yeah any strangers that have a lot of owls i'd probably find out who in my neighborhood has owls. I'd probably

inform, like, maybe, because, yeah, you'd be like, are they trying to groom my child? Yeah, I know. And then, when they sent a wizard, like, how the fuck did that conversation go? I'll be the parent of a wizard, but I'm a muggle, and I want one of you to try and explain to me. Me and Jack, we're both loving fathers of a daughter.

Dusha, you're a new wizard. I knew it was, oh god, this is my first house visit, isn't it? You're a wizard coming to try and convince us that our daughter is magic and should go to Hogwarts. Copernicus Dusha. Oh, that's my name. That's your daughter's name. And I was like, this is going to be confusing.

No, I just thought, I was like, what's a wizard ass name? Copernicus Dusha. Rattatat tat. That's me knocking on your British door. Have you sent her out first or not? Because that's a good question. name? Copernicus Doucher. Rat-a-tat-tat. That's me knocking on your British door. Hello? Have you sent an L first or not? Because that's a good question. I've seen that word.

Yes. I've sent a few letters. You've burnt them all. Hi there. Can I help you? Hi, I'm Copernicus Doucher of Hogwarts. What are you wearing? A robe.

I'm immediately like, I'm sorry. We're Catholic it's weird that we both went there Jadisha waving his wand already spell your arm all of the books I'm carrying just fly out of my hands

wait no not that one I like step in out of my hands. Wait, no, not that one. I step in front of my beautiful husband. What the fuck are you doing? Get out of my property, mate. I'm like, you know what? Don't worry about it. Fuck you. Did you fuck off?

Get back in the car. The guy's like, did you do it? You're like, oh, no, it was fucking too hard. I don't know. Let's go to the next house. No one there. So you have an expelled books go on we'll give you we'll give you a uh do whatever give you a chance okay ratatat come in hello

hi i'm capernius doucher um i was wondering if you've received the letters from hogwarts we have we're very concerned about them let me do you mind hmm You both look concerned, and that's understandable. Basically, long story short, wizards are real. Are you a cult? No. Are you trying to brainwash our beautiful child? No. Betsy?

Yes. No, so Betsy is quite special. And we're a private school. And we're just off... Oh, God, this does sound like a cult you know what never mind sorry about this did you do it?

no I got complicated shielding a child I guess what you'd have to do is you'd have to come in and you'd have to be like look this is going to sound insane but magic is real let me give you an example and then you might take out a mouse real quick and make it a rabbit

you'd start off not magic is real you'd come as normal as you can fucking be and you would be like hey so um i represent a very private school uh in the english by all about in the english moors um and we're keeping an eye on a lot of your students and your child is actually very very special and they're like okay and then you you just like blow

you'd be like through the schools yeah we're keeping an eye on your children it's a school for gifted youngsters school for gifted youngsters run by a cripple run by a cripple

is that good for you you'd be like okay this is taking a turn so you'd explain the benefits and then if they're more information like more more

what's the word if they're feeling good about it. I guess you just sense the vibe of the world. And then be like, look, and there is something else that we need to tell you, is that this school, whilst we provide you a very good, top-quality education... That's a lie. Top-quality education... Are you buying this?

Yes. Good. I'll keep going. Wink once if yes. yes good I'll keep going wink once if yes that's just you didn't wink I said to wink

if it's going well so yeah you have that and you're like and okay by the way basically the reason why, have you noticed anything different about your daughter? And then they might be like,

well, once she accidentally levitated a dog. Correct answer. Because wizards are weird. They're like, fuck off. Like, look, I know this might sound crazy. You might not go wizards are weird. You'd be like, there are some people in this world, we can't explain it,

who are born with exceptional ability. You'd have to basically give them the mutant talk. You would have to give wizard the room, you'd be like, there are some people in this world, we can't explain it, who are born with exceptional abilities. You'd have to basically give them the mutant talk. You would have to give them mutant talk. Born with exceptional abilities. We call these people wizards. And I know you're skeptical, but can I give you a demonstration? Nothing up my sleeves. You might be like, nothing up my sleeves.

And you'd be like, look, Avada Kedavra, dead, take the child, fuck off, see ya. Magic. a cadaver dead take the child fuck off magic but that's the although then trying to convince like me as a parent to be like all right all right look i'll i'll accept wizards are real yeah i understand that you are teaching them how to be a wizard and that's great so tell me how what else about the curriculum do you do how actually wait the moguls like a wizard sort of like um not like it like the wizards have a different status in the harry potter world amongst moguls than they do now because someone came up to me they're like i'm a wizard i'm like you're a fucking idiot yeah i know i was like thinking then what would it actually take someone to do to convince me because in this reality it's

just not a thing there's nothing that someone could do unless they were like i'm gonna turn you jackson into a rabbit, and then I was a rabbit for a bit, and then they turned me back into a man. Then I'd be like, oh, okay. Well, that's easier for them to do. Yeah, but I'm not going to then let them take my child to Hogwarts. No, they're like, look, I'm going to levitate this teacup.

No, I might still be like, hmm, where's the camera crew? I'm like, I don't believe this. Is this an episode of MTV's Ashton Kutcher's Punk'd Or like Chris Angel's Punk'd Are you freaking my mind on Chris Angel's Mind Freak But you're right You would be like nah this is a trick

And I think you'd have to keep going To be like Okay look I'm going to turn you into a rabbit Do you give me permission to turn you into a rabbit You'd be like, sure. I'm like, go on, turn me into a rabbit. Abracadabra, you're a goddamn rabbit. And then you'd be like...

And then they'd turn you back and you'd be like, get out of my house. And you'd be like, well, I guess that happened. That's real. Honey, did I actually turn into a rabbit or is he fucked with my head? She's like... I can never make love to you again. Yep, you turned me into a rabbit. I like the idea of him being like

hit him with the vase get him out of the house you're like oh my god then Dugan comes back into the car he's like I got pretty far this time did you turn him into a rabbit? yep mistake number one this is real hard

did you even read the pamphlet we gave out? skimmed it Rule one, no rabbits Unless you're turning me into a ferret or a rabbit Or maybe giving me wings Or a pigtail Like they do with Dudley Surely wizards must just be like

Brainwash Yes, but also In this world they must somewhat Exist like as in like There must be rumours there must be hints Yeah you're right surely the only way We can explain this Sort of like dragons in our world

In a different universe Because if you come to me Like me and Jackson And try to recruit our beautiful daughter. I don't know why that tickled me so much. The idea of just another podcast space. Anyway, carry on. And we're trying to be like,

even if we were the most open-minded people, like, okay, no, she's done some interesting things that we can't explain. I thought she was- Maybe she's got a gift of some variety. And so is it a magic school? Like, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's the actual wizard. Like, all right, look, we're very open-minded. So, yep. Wizards are real. That's great. That next step to tell me about the curriculum is going to be another issue. Because, as we've discussed previously, it's not a good school.

I'm going to be like, well, no, I want her to get an education. And they'll be like, well, she will. And we're like, it seems like she just learns how to be a wizard. She expresses these interests in becoming a doctor. And we really want to encourage that. So, like, dr lloyd she's really good with numbers like is that gonna happen that we're like numeracy whatever uh what's it called numeric uh numerant man yeah numerancy is like oh so is that a kind of math like no no no it's like okay uh thank you for the offer but we said no and then dumbumbledore's like send them several owls

just build their fucking house because that's because they basically they force you they force Harry I mean granted we look at it from Harry because he's having a shit one and also I guess Harry is special they really want him in Hogwarts

but what if you just took Umbridge with the curriculum because you're like But what if you just didn't, like, you just took Umbridge with the curriculum? Because you're like, this isn't... Oh, that's why her name... I get it now. Because she's shaped like an umbrella. Yeah.

And a bridge. Umbrella on top, bridge on the bottom. It's just what the boys love. But you would take a little bit umbrich to be like nah this this like i want a proper education like she's she's like she loves animals and she wants to be a vet or it's like she's really good with numbers she's really good with horses she's really interested in horses she wants to become like a equinologist yeah or even just like a she wants to do like horse racing and then you're like oh well we have to be an artist like do you do you

have oh fucking yeah like we were thinking of enrolling her to art school or drama school. She's musically talented. Yeah. They're like, oh, well, that's not really what Hogwarts does. We just teach you how to turn rats into cops. She's musically talented. Don't worry. We have one band already.

Yeah, exactly. We do choir. Like, no, no, no. She's really good at playing the guitar. Well. What's a guitar? What's a guitar? Why is that screen in the room?

That's a doucher. The fucking Copernicus doucher just starts noticing the Muggle house. Is that a painting? No, that's the news on TV. What? Because you're right. They do have interactions with the Muggle society. And you'd have to be real fucking ignorant To just be looking at TV and like

That's a weird painting Happy ying day The level of forceful ignorance On the part of the wizards It's not like Clearly they do Clearly with a modicum of effort The wizards could be like

Cool, Muggles have screens, TV That they can play things on Muggles have phones Muggles have a, TV that they can play things on. Muggles have phones. Muggles have a whole bunch of amazing technology, amazing advancements. Fucking even in terms of like social advancements. Like, hey, muggles live relatively peacefully. We still have like squibs and shit in our society. Maybe we could take some of that on board instead of just being like, no.

I think we'll continue to be wizards. The parents could come to Hogwarts because if a squib is allowed wait no squib was like a squib's like a special no squib's like my parents are magic but I am a nothing but I still get the some of the benefits I suppose none

but he's like again like I was saying the thing Filch still sees the castle as a castle even though he's not magic maybe he's enchanted I think it's just because he's not technically a muggle. Is he enchanted? He gains sentience. Filch used to just be a terrifying sex doll until somebody

enchanted him to life. Haggard. Haggard and tired. Imagine like, you know those really trash blow-up dolls? It just is like, Haggard, Filch. You're like, I don't know why anyone would buy this. Why does this exist? This is something I must fuck.

But I will have it. Give it to us. But it's funny because it's willful ignorance on the part of wizards. It really is. It's intentional. It's not just happenstance. Because it's forcing themselves not to learn. It's not like our society is better.

We're not going to even associate with your society. It's clearly your society. It's got some real good things that could like our society is better. We're not going to even associate with your society. It's clearly your society. It's got some real good things that could improve our society, but we've got a lot of stuff that could improve your society, even in the archaic times of 1994. That we don't want you to have, clearly. Yeah. I don't think anything about wizard life would improve muggle life.

You don't think that being able to be like, what, you broke a bone? You good? Okay, wizard doctors that's it you wanna become a cat no that's bad brooms are dangerous

that's why we don't have flying motorbikes I mean that and a couple other reasons we've invented them someone was like wait brooms

and they were like oh we just made brooms but a muggle version flying motorcycles you'd just be like wait hang on Hagrid has a flying motorcycle the star of Harry Potter

Oon like literally the star the very fucking star Harry Potter Oon the magic stone that a philosopher owns or a sorcerer

but put in a mirror once and then he lost it like there's a lot of stuff that muggles the muggles would probably benefit from in the wizarding world magic

yeah it's just magic but then like the muggles still muggles would probably benefit from wizarding world magic yeah it's just but then like the muggles still can't use it that's true that means that we'd be i guess hiring a hard hiring a wizard no i don't like that but that'd be a good you really don't like that jackson why how does that make you feel what do you want to do to the wizards no no wizards are fine i just don't think that we should wizards are fine they didn't earn it but like if you it'd be like a kind of a status thing like we have a wizard

wizards are fine yeah you're okay with wizards living amongst humans don't pull this out of me again I don't want to be Hitler at this time but no you'd hire a wizard or at least that's a good way of income for a wizard because think about it you hire a wizard

or at least that's a good way of income for a wizard because think about it, you're a wizard in the wizarding world you graduate Hogwarts or you know from Dernstrom or whatever it's all pretty innate anyway so you just don't need to work for it same plane, whereas if you

went to hire yourself out as a muggled off, because that's what i would do if i had graduated because we did the you know what kind of job opportunities after hogwarts there's not many unless you go and use that in the muggle world if you pull the sneaky and you're like i'm a muggle whatever you integrate yourself properly you push past that ignorance that is like inherent or wizard society and you're like i'm just going to be a really good doctor and obviously i'm going to use magic to like imagine you're performing surgery and you become super good at that kind of, I forget what they call it,

but it's the kind of magic you can do where you don't need a wand, right? Oh yeah. Which every wizard can do. A wand's just a real good channel. Okay. And so you've got the body open and you're cut making nicks

and you're like, oh fuck, I cut the wrong vein. You're just like, the vein sews up again and you're like, none of you fucking saw that. Like the amount of, you could be- And you just magic yourself like the amount of you can just magic yourself like a medical degree anyway yeah fucking you could rule any profession you could be like i'm gonna be a deep sea diver and then when everyone else is asleep i guess you cast

the ghillie eating ghillie woods packing that right here just fucking ghillie weed that's enough like in terms of like wizard things that could benefit Muggle society. Gillyweed, yeah. Literally just Gillyweed. If wizards were like, hey, here's Gillyweed, that is enough to improve us fucking leaps and bounds. Can Muggles handle stuff like that though? Because they're not magic. Well, nothing says that they can't, but I guess nothing says they can, so I don't know.

Like would eating Gillyweed just kill a man? Just pack some Gillyweed in there and see what happens. Well, I'm assuming that the moments the wizards gave us to us, they would be like, we'd be like, okay, we're not going to just like fucking eat a handful. I'm going to go bit by bit and test it. First test it on a mouse or whatever. No, see, I feel like the thing that would happen is like, it's sort of like when everyone's like, all right, get ready to jump.

Very similar to the fucking Leroy Jenkins video. Everyone's like, with the Gillyweed testing little bit fuck yeah fucking gills the side of his body down to his feet his mouth closes up

and dies I'm a fucking fish when it comes to magical creatures, because fair enough, if we just don't want to integrate themselves into our society

and that's fine, they hide themselves, whatever. How is a griffin going to be like, nah, I'm not going to walk into a London?

did you ever have, they're going to turn into a movie, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them? Yes. In that they had a whole chapter on that

and there are groups of wizards whose job it is to keep the muggles from seeing dragons and shit which I hate I hate that these wizards are like we will shield you precious fragile muggles from the real world

doesn't that also happen with a Voldemort issue like there's something like a wizard something happens and the wizards cover it up do they brainwash and do some probably a little bit of like focus memory kind of thing that's's sick spell that they're fucking lockhart's super good at yeah um i love that that's an issue of the wizarding world that lockhart's just like i'll exploit that you can just do that so sure tell me your story and you're

brain dead good i can't even remember what that spell is called he did it to you she used to be copernicus Dusha, and he was like, now you're just Joel Dusha. Now you're just a simple Joel. Another interesting thing... I get the unmagical version of Copernicus is just Joel. Copernicus, my wizard name.

Another interesting thing that I was reading before is that wizards have a longer lifespan. Your average wizard lives to 150. Well, not good yeah that changes as a whole actually yeah the amount of complications there because the reason like you think about in terms of progression and as a society and how we move forward one thing is like hey look at like say a 19 someone in the 1950s who was like 20 might have been very progressive for the 1920s but like now like you racist come so and i don't think wizards are the kind of people that move forward like that so maybe that's the reason maybe the next generation of 150 years down the track after harry potter is

going to be the one that's like the fuck are we doing margaret have like look at this look like first off look at this iphone we use owls in my day we used owls maybe that's why real dumb so yeah maybe that's another reason why. It's just a different age. Because 150 years. That means all the teachers of Hogwarts were kids in the 1800s. Right? Am I math right there? It depends on how much they age.

They age normally. What do you mean how much they age? Like, doesn't a 100-year-old wizard look like a 100-year-old human? No, but they still were born back in the day. I that's what i meant yeah yeah yeah yes well then so because dumbledore looks you know like he's knocking on death's door and you know he kind of was um rest in peace i think i died at 125 or something so yeah again and he looked like say an eight-year-old man so that means yeah i guess they don't age just that like they age physically slower yeah yeah but that means that yeah dumbledore was a child in the 1800s with all

them 1800s beliefs how the hell and like sure he was a progressive back then but no no i don't think wizards i think we were integrated up until 1940 something chance just makes the most sense because that means that that explains why we're still somewhere hazily in our memory after the wizards fucking blanket mind wiped us we're like I think wizards are real they did blanket mind wipe us yes well they must have

otherwise why does nobody remember giving radios to the wizards well that also makes sense because that means that that would be the easiest way to get kids to come to Hogwarts because you'd just be like well I guess it's time to remove this memory charm. Yeah. And they'd be like, oh my god, wizards. Oh my god, wizards, that's right. And now I'm crying blood.

Because charms really damage muggles. Any charm. And I guess that's... Any charm? Not your natural charm. Oh, hi there. That damages the right people. The blood tears.

So I guess that's the only, I think the only way to reasonably explain it is that the timeline is like, we were all chums up until Hitler happened. Hitler ruined it for everyone. Hitler and Grimwald. Hitler and Grimwald. The wizards were like, okay,

I'm scared of muggles now because we've seen what a full scale muggle attack can do plus there are more muggles than there are wizards so if they find out about us we might get world war 2 they were terrified of the bomb let's pull our own little nuclear bomb

memory bomb the memory option they press the button everybody forgets about wizards in a blanket like wizard memory wipe then they start up we everybody forgets about wizards in a blanket like wizard memory wipe then they start up that they're like okay but we got muggle-born wizards they go to them muggle-born wizards must be a newish thing or maybe not maybe they just would then go to the houses and be like hey remember wizards also it explains why hogwarts appears as a broken down

castle to everyone because like hog Hogwarts would have been a thing We're all mates And plus it makes recruiting real easy Hi, I'm Copernicus Dusha Wizards are real No they're Kaboom They are real

Blood, tears, you grab their daughter And Betsy gets education that's pretty much how it works for me yeah that's what happens when muggles have whizzied his kids so yeah i i guess they're they're willfully ignorant and it's i guess to their detriment but i guess they're trying to understand why really distance themselves from what what humanity did i think wizards we can work together toward a better future. And I think you just got to accept that at a certain point. Well, on that lovely note, I've been Joel.

I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. If you think you got a better reason why wizards are willfully ignorant or a better solution to integrating our two beautiful societies, email us, tweet us at SansPenceRadio, email us at sanspenceradio at gmail.com. Or if you have a better idea than a gun wand, let us know. But I doubt it highly.

Two gun wands is an appropriate answer. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sandspantsradio.com.