Plumbing the Death Star - Why Did God Make Bruce Almighty?

Episode Date: September 1, 2014

In which our heroes look at Bruce Nolan’s life and wonder why God made him Almighty. We explore Bruce’s first act as good as he cause a municipal water problem, sexually harass a young woman and flat out steal from an upscale clothing store before committing anal based monkey assault on an hispanic youth leader. Twice. Jackson is horrified by the blatant abuse of power, Zammit has his own theory involving Morgan Freeman eating a God brain and Duscher just wants to punch a meteor and die a hero. It’s pure bafflement as we try to understand how God could let most of South East Asia be washed away and several star systems go super nova on the whim of a horny man. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pants Radio, bursting with flavour. If you're enquiring about the mattress, please email us at sanspantsradio at gmail dot com. For everything else, including links to our other shows, our Twitter and our Patreon account, head to sanspantsradio dot com. Hey, and welcome to another episode of Plumbing the Death Star. We ask the important questions like, why did God make Bruce Almighty? Bruce Almighty. Because I guess the question here is, in the film Bruce Almighty, why does God choose Bruce Nolan, his name is Bruce Nolan in the film,

he's not Bruce Almighty, to be, why did he choose him? Because he had a pity party on himself. He's like, oh God, all these, like, I didn't get the job I wanted. That's pretty much it. Bruce Nolan is like, I have one bad day. I made a dick of myself on live television. Basically, I fucked myself. My girlfriend's still a babe,

though. And still just fucking loves the shit out of me, regardless of what... He fucked up, because even if he didn't get that promotion, he could have still worked his way up gone to the network something like that but no there were ways around it

but yeah I'm saying before he fucked up before he fucked up I was going to say because if he didn't get I mean I don't think any network's hiring him after that

back to you fuckers which I believe is exactly what he said also in that when he was having a mental breakdown why didn't the producers like oh we've lost the signal there I don't. Also, in that, when he was having a mental breakdown, why didn't the producers, like, oh,

we've lost the signal there. I don't know, they don't, later on in the film where Bruce is being a dick to Evan, blah, blah, blah, that whole scene,

nobody like turns it off or like, is like, technical difficulties. They're just like, carry on, throw the story. They just,

carry on, it'll be funny. Incompetent, anyway. Because, of all the people, I mean, aside from the fact

that he doesn't deserve the powers, of all the people, I mean, aside from the fact that he doesn't deserve the powers, of all the people in the world, he is the worst person. He's selfish. He's selfish. Extremely. He's basically, like, what is the first thing he does? The first thing he does is he makes a fire hydrant just blow up. Yep.

Actually, no, wait. The first thing he does is he makes soup part. Yes, okay, he parts some soup. Apart from, like, fucking around the diner, when he does is he makes soup part. Yes, he parts some soup. Apart from fucking around the diner, when he realises that he's got god powers, he blows up a fire hydrant. I'm pretty sure this is exactly after god is like, yeah, some fucking responsibility.

He's like, yeah, you're right. Blowing up some fire hydrants to cause a water problem. Wastewater, of course. Then he blows up a girl's dress and then he blows up a girl's dress yeah blows up a girl's dress rude so not only is he selfish he's

sort of sexualizing everyone well it's I mean that's that's kind of a sexual assault a little bit yeah like I mean

it's not sexual harassment yeah he does it and then he looks and he saw it and it was good yeah yeah that's fucking what he says

he's creepy as shit and then he steals a shirt, yeah, that's fucking what he says. He's creepy as shit. And then he steals a shirt. Yeah, steals a shirt. And then he kind of rapes a dude with a monkey. Yeah, because there's guys who mugged him earlier. His dudes mug him earlier before he yells at God. They come up and they're like, ha ha, you motherfucker.

And he's like, hey, I'm just here to get an apology. But he's kind of like a dick about it. He knows he's not getting an apology. Yeah, and then they don't. And one of them's like, I'll give you an apology the day's kind of like a dick about it He knows he's not getting an apology And then they don't And one of them's like I'll give you an apology The day a monkey crawls out my butthole And he's like well that's today And he makes a monkey crawl out

Of a guy That guy is like wrecked There is no way But then what happens after that all goes down He's like well monkey Back to where you go. And the monkey goes back in. Back up his butthole. Back up the butthole. He gets

monkey up butthole twice. How is he ever going to recover from that? I don't care how much a guy hurts you, you don't shove a monkey up his ass. And it's a decent sized monkey too. It's the one we saw with the chi, the capuchin.

It's a capuchin monkey, the capuchin. Capuchin. It's a capuchin monkey, which are like the size of a small poodle. Or like a toddler. And then he just opens his mouth and vomits bees at all of them. That's true. Like the fucking devil. Oh my god. No, no, no, no, no. We've just uncovered something far more sinister here.

What is Bruce Almighty the devil? Morgan Freeman's not God. Morgan Freeman's Satan. See, I have a better idea. Okay, let's not even listen to my idea. Let's go straight to your better one. I'm going to go with your Satan one. Alright, so he gives it to a selfish prick.

Yeah. Because he yelled at God. He's like, alright, angle. Alright. Satan is like, Yeah, but he still makes Bruce deal with all the prayers. He still gives Bruce a lesson

at the end of it all. Devil God. Negligent God. Actually, yeah, my theory is it's not actually God. Morgan Freeman's character is basically the equivalent of Bruce Almighty,

but from long ago, where the real God has been like, hey, you, come here. I'm giving you the power of God. And Morgan Freeman's like, well, if I'm God now, I'm going to kill that God. That's still a God. And take his powers or whatever, like, you know, kill him, eat his brain. Become him. Get his power and courage. That's how it works. That's how you become

a god. Right? Eat the brains. Eat the god brain. And now he's effectively a god for a while. He's like, I did this to Gandhi as well, motherfucker. I don't care. I've been doing this for a long time. Yeah, I did this to Gandhi. Hilarious. And then, that's why I reckon he just picked this guy at random, because he's like, fuck, I'm not gonna give a shit.

I am the worst person in the world. I'm fucking off for, like, a week to do literally God knows what here. I don't know what he's doing for a good week. No, he just goes. He's like, I'm on holiday. Bruce is like, I genuinely need some help. I'm killing people. Yeah, that's another thing that happens.

Let's not forget, Bruce Nolan kills some dudes. Yeah, he grabs the moon. He grabs the moon and in quotations about unusual moon activity, grabs it, pulls it closer to Earth Just to make his girlfriend happy. Yeah, just to make his girlfriend happy. Causing a tsunami or? Yeah, no, tsunami. It's actually

mentioned in the, like, this isn't just us grasping at tsunami. It's mentioned in the film. Killing thousands of people because in the end of the film, he's like mopping up. It's like, is that getting rid of the consequences of his actions? He helps the guy whose car broke down. I don't think that makes up for the millions of lives.

But does it rewrite history? No. Because there's still things that kind of take over. Yeah. Oh, no, no, no. The real question is, do Jennifer Aniston's boobs stay bigger? That is what we want to know, because that's something he does. But it's weird, because she's like, are my boobs bigger?

And then Bruce is nervous about it for some reason. Like she's going to find him out somehow. Also, she'd know, because her bra wouldn't fit. But you're not focusing on the right thing with the moon thing. I don't know, I think... No, no, no, hear me out. Jennifer Aniston. You notice, just as a side,

Jennifer Aniston got more attractive with age. Yeah, I don't find her attractive in Friends. Anyway, when Bruce is tugging the moon in, that's not all he does. He clears some clouds and then he pops out stars. Yes, he does, he pops out fucking stars. That could be fucking civilizations

surrounding that stars who just, on the whim of a horny man, no longer exist. He's just like, boop, boop, boop, boop, done, done. Bruce Almighty is destroying suns. You're right. And God is just, what, on holiday? On vacation? Yeah, you've killed a bunch of Southeast Asia.

Yeah, it's fucked. That's whatever. That's done. But you've also just supernovaed fucking... How many stars does he pop out? So many. Five? Six? And it gets worse because he draws the moon in, right? And yes, that causes problems on Earth now.

But do you know how important the moon is to our continued existence? Oh, extremely. You know that the moon is constantly cycling closer and closer to us because of our gravitational pull? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ever very, very fast. So pulling it in that much means that he's just, like, decreasing the amount of time until the moon crashes into Earth.

When the moon crashes into Earth, like, 200 years later, that's on him. That is on Bruce Nolan. Yeah. Why? Nah, but he had a tough man. He lost his job. And he got beaten up by some...

Some dudes, all Hispanic. And he also did his car break down? Yeah, but... No, he drove his car. No, it's just a shitty car. What did he crash his car? Yeah, he crashed his car. Yeah, he's just...

He overtook a truck and he's like, fuck you all, I'm not looking at the road, and then crashes. It was all his fault. You've kind of got to hope that it is not God that your theory is right and that he's just somebody else who's been Bruce Almighty'd Just pretending

Because if that's actually God then he to make up for destroying potential civilizations Destroying star systems and probably, you know making the death of earth like a little bit closer a little bit closer significantly closer lots of southeast asians all you got to do is

mop a bit fix a guy's car and stand with a homeless person being snarky you remember that the homeless person's like got something quite poignant and he's just like what he said and you're like oh jim carrey but actually you've killed millions yeah that's not great that's basically hitler standing there with that that's what you're doing jim carrey jim carrey equals hitler there's nothing really more to say no but but i think you can expand it to bruce almighty sequel evan almighty actually that's a fucking good point because like in bruce almighty bruce as we just discussed is a guy that's like sort of down Because like, in Bruce Almighty Bruce, as we just discussed Is a guy that's like, sort of down on his luck But he's mostly just an asshole

He's rewarded for being an asshole as well Rewarded for being an asshole Does some more arsehole-y shit Learns a lesson in a way? Not really, he doesn't even learn a lesson Let's point this out He gets hit by a truck Because he fucks up He kisses this girl uh like straight

up he's like oh i didn't kiss her she kissed me but he did i watched it recently there his fucking tongue is hectic as shit and then he's like his wife girlfriend leaves him he's like he goes and he gets hit by a bus uh a truck or whatever it goes to heaven god's like see see it's not so fucking easy you fucking fucking idiot. Boop! Sends him back. He wakes up in hospital. His girlfriend's like, oh my god, I nearly lost you. Gets back with him just out of pity and fear. Yeah, out of pity, fear

and survivor's guilt. He actually learns no lesson. He doesn't. He doesn't learn that you shouldn't be pulling the moon closer. You shouldn't be wiping out stars. You shouldn't just be answering yes to everybody's email slash prayer. He knew murder was wrong.

Let's be honest, you'd hope that was already there, but maybe not. Yeah. So the story... He then physically got a monkey out of someone's ass and then shoved it right back up there. He didn't learn a lesson.

The story of Bruce O'Meady is a guy didn't learn a lesson the story of bruce almighty is a guy's a dick gets the powers of god is a dick a little bit more nearly dies everything's all right still a dick the best way to get your girlfriend back is to uh get him by a truck almost die so that's a good lesson so she freaks out and never leaves you yeah yeah all right yeah so that's fine. But Evan Almighty. Yeah. Which is Evan. I don't know.

We'll just call him Evan Peters because that sounds like a name. All right. It's not his name. Evan Pietro. Okay.

Evan Pietro. Yeah. From Evan Almighty played by Steve Carell. The actor Steve Carell. I was going to compliment him but then nothing came to mind.

The okay actor steve corral two and a half out of five yeah he's never ruined a film by his appearance never improved one either could be anyone mid-ground blank slate what about evan almighty um yeah pretty much so similar thing happens but this time evan who has been fucked in the first film by bruce's assholishness then just kind of gets shit on by god he's like build an ark and he's like why it's all right build an ark build a goddamn like build an ark a flood's coming and he's like okay i guess i gotta believe you then a flood does come but it's a flood that fucking god could have stopped because he's fucking god like but yeah why is the flood coming? I will say I haven't seen it. Okay, Evan Almighty is basically...

You're making it sound like people are going to pick on you for that. That's a compliment. Sorry, guys. I haven't seen Evan Almighty. I have no interest. It's not a good film. It's weirdly preachy. Because in the biblical flood, it's like,

fuck, Earth is just full of shitty people. I'm going to flood the fucking star to get... I made error. I have made a mistake. Basically, Evan Almighty is like, Evan wakes up and all these animals are about, and God's like, hey, you've got to build a boat. He's like, why?

He's like, flood's coming. Then he fucks off, and then a dam breaks, and a flood does come. And he was right all along. He also grows a beard and can't wear regular clothes, has to wear a robe. So let's compare the two And Evan Almighty, he's like a busy guy

But he loves his family He's a much nicer person than Bruce Yeah, his kids are like, Dad, can we go on a fishing trip? He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah I can't, I've got work He gets punished for that Because in the original, Evan Almighty Evan, sorry, isn't that much of a terrible person

No, he's fine He's better at being a news person than Bruce. Yeah, he strives for a job and he's the better person. And that's meant to be a bad guy. So, let's compare the films. Bruce Almighty. Bruce is a dick. God is like, I'm going to give you power so you can be more of a dick.

Bruce is like, alright, this sucks. And God's like, sure does. Sure does. Here's your girlfriend back. This sucks. And God's like, sure does. Sure does. Here's your girlfriend back. Evan Almighty. Evan, lovely guy. Yep. Family loves him. Punished. Punished by God. Yep. Build an ark. Build an ark. Have all your family leave you.

Why? What is the fucking divine plan here? The opposite of a lot of the biblical stories I know about, which is a lot. Which is like, you're having... Oh no, it's very similar to a lot, I guess. I know about, which is a lot. It's very similar to Lot, I guess. You never question God's faith and then it's shit all over you. It's pretty much the story.

But mix that with Noah. Fuck you, Evan? Yeah. It pretty much amounts to that. It's just God making the choices. Does Evan win in the end? Yeah, I guess, but not in like any way his family's like yeah i will help you build the ark they build the ark the town is flooded god's like i was fucking right he's like i guess you were and credits oh okay hang on does anyone

die in the flood probably not everyone gets on the Also, couldn't you just evacuate the town before? Yeah, because it's only a dam. It's not like a flood flood. I know. I think God is just mad at John Goodman because he's the only one that gets shit on in that film. John Goodman, whatever. John Goodman's the villain. I don't know.

Because if you take the story of Noah and the Ark, it's very much the earth being digs, got to punish them all. There's this one virtuous man to save people. Yeah, Noah gets rewarded. By surviving. Evan just doesn't die. There's no one being an arsehole.

And then Evan has to, I guess, deal with the fucking animals. I don't know what to do with giraffes. Is God saying everyone's a dick we're killing them all but you? Basically everyone survives except maybe John Goodman, who I think might die. I think God made a flood to kill John Goodman. There are easy ways to kill a dude.

No, no, no, it's John Goodman. The only way to kill him is with a biblical flood. It's the only thing that'll stop his meaty face. Can you just imagine John Goodman just standing there being like, as the flood bears down upon him Yeah I think he's definitely The man that would take on a fucking biblical figure All on his own

So I think it is not God It's just a guy who killed the original God And ate his brain courage We better fucking hope so Because this guy sounds incompetent The alternative is far too terrifying Incompetent That's

Huh Yeah man Does that mean that this guy Bruce Nolan is on the equivalent of Gandhi? I guess In this God's eyes? Gandhi Bruce Nolan

Yeah Same dude One guy's like Both is virtuous Do this This guy's like I lost my job Same dude Give him powers See like, both is virtuous. Do this, this guy's like, I lost my job. Same dude.

Give him powers, see what happens. What the fuck? With Evan, it's not even like, I'll give you powers, it's just like, I'll make life tough.

Build a goddamn ark. Life's gonna be hard for you. The end. And then it won't. But then it will, because you have a lot of animals. Does Evan even have decent carpentry skills

to build a boat? No, he gets given the shitty fucking biblical carpet. He's got a little fucking wooden hammer and a fucking hacksaw. You give me a hammer and wood and a hacksaw. I would end up probably cutting a couple of my fingers off.

And every now and then God just turns up and is like, how's that ark coming? And Evan's like, I don't know. Magic me an ark, you dick. Magic me an ark. He's like, you build that fucking ark. Magic me an ark, stop the flood. Don't be a dick.

It is. Building a boat is also a lot of, like, even if you know how to build a boat. There's a lot of sanding involved. I think it only has like two weeks. It's, it's. Give me, like, give me like two weeks, even with a book, access to internet. Yeah.

I wouldn't. I'd go to sleep and welcome the flood. Oh, yeah. I would camp out in front of the dam and take it on like John Goodman, just face first. Face first, screaming at the mountain. That's how I want to go. Biblical flood whilst yelling at the flood. Not angry at God, just to be like, fuck you, water! Like, okay, I know this is not quite relevant, but if a comet is ever heading to Earth, or a planet collision, or anything like that, everyone's going to be fucking off. You mean the moon slowly falling into the Earth.

So when Bruce is bringing the moon into Earth, everyone's going to be running away. I want to be the guy that's standing at the impact zone trying to punch it. Yes. Just ready to punch. Because either I die like a hero. Or you punch the moon Exactly It's a win-win situation

Yes Even if the world isn't annihilated It's like hey No one will ever forget That one guy that tried to punch the moon back into orbit You'd go down in history They'd erect a little statue Let's not lie.

It would just be like a guy punching. And like a little bit of the moon. That'd be great. They should make me god. They should. I think so. Because you could construct because Bruce summons a fucking meteor. You could summon a meteor just to punch it.

And then properly punch it away because you're fucking meteor. Yeah. You could summon a meteor just to punch it. And then properly punch it away because you're fucking God. But we all know that Morgan Freeman only gives God powers to dicks. You're going to have to build a boat.

Yeah. Nah, he'd get powers. Nah, you'd get powers. Alright. I was worried when that was going. Yeah. Yeah, you'd get...

He'd be fine. Alright, eat shit everyone. I'm off to punch a comet. I guess I'm off to build a boat. Yeah. I'm just going to face comet. I guess I'm off to build a boat. I'm just going to face the head on. Jackson's off to build a boat. You're off to face a flood.

Face a flood. Alright, well. I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Punch the moon. Fuck you, moon. God's a dick. Punch the moon. Get that tattoo to my nipples. I've got the power If you think this show is worth at least a dollar,

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