Plumbing the Death Star - Why Do Vampires and Werewolves Hate Each Other In Everything?

Episode Date: January 5, 2020

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia on January 1st, 2020. All you have to do is sign up to SandsPantsPlus.com at any level from now until January 31st and you'll get access to the complete playthrough, New Year's Morn. Get in quick because come February, it'll only be available to SandsPants Kings. So just head to Sandspansplus.com today and sign up so you can enter the new year listening to the terrible atrocities that Adam and Cass unleash onto an unsuspecting dinosaur land. Hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Store, where we ask

the important questions like, why do vampires and werewolves hate each other and everything? I reckon the answer is pretty simple. I'm excited for this answer. Okay, cool. Hey, this could be the five minute episode we've always dreamed of doing. We've always wanted. Everyone's hearing this,

then looking at the timer and being like, this didn't go for five minutes. Joel Dusha was- He sprung out the gate. He sprung. Wow, someone said something and it was incorrect. I'm definitely listening to Plumbing the Death Star. Cause wolves hate bats. So just checks out.

I'd like to retract my statement. Excuse me? Do you want me to reintroduce this? When we ask the important questions, it's like, why do bats hate wolves? Yeah. Why? Well, because they're basically the opposite animal.

Excuse me? What? Hey! This is how it feels when I say just insane things with confidence. Yes, Jackson. Opposite animals. Yes. They're like the polar opposite of each other.

I mean, they're both mammals. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. But one is like a flying, tiny, winged, doesn't really have legs in any sense of the word. Saying flying and winged is cheating. There's two things.

Hey, okay, so a werewolf. Name one thing that flies that doesn't have wings. Nerf balls that you throw. Blimps. It's got you there. Blimps fly. Blimps fly or float. Yeah.

Nerf objects. Anything you have just- They glide. Anything you have thrown. Ah, sugar gliders have wings don't fly. That's true. They glide. Ki gliders have wings don't fly. That's true. They glide. Kiwi has wings, doesn't fly.

Makes you think. Thank you for answering something that I didn't ask. Because the question, if you remember, was... Okay, also... I answered it with blurbs, yeah. So, okay, so... Wolf and bat, right? Okay, so werewolves turn into either sometimes a big wolf

or a half wolf, half man. Vampires have fangs, suck blood, and on occasion, but not always- Cloud of bats. Cloud of bats. Yeah. So you've taken, as Jackson has famously claimed, two animals of the opposite spectrums, and then making them werewolves and vampires actually brings them together. Wow.

Because that bridges the gap because you then add human in the middle. Yeah. Are you saying there's a Venn diagram of bat and wolf and humans? No, because that would be insane. I'm following your logic. I'm not saying that, but you are. Yes. Yeah, I suppose.

So now you're saying they don't hate each other well they do hate each other because they're at the opposite end of the spectrum hey where do fish foot into fit into this they don't it's a venn diagram it's just wolf bat human oh no you could fit fish in there for mermaids actually to be fair why would you do that what are we even talking about all right no no. Where do mummies fit? Mummies don't fit into that. They're not an animal-based monster. Okay.

Godzilla? He's sort of his own thing. He's got to circle off to the right somewhere. What is even happening? Lizard's good. Lizard man, I suppose. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.

So you're just trying to find... Crabs? There's no crab men. There are crab men. Well, if there's crab men, then yeah, I suppose. I suppose there's crab people. What about dog men? What do they fall in with?

They would fall in... They're werewolves. Dog men are werewolves. No, but like... It's just a word thing to call a werewolf. No, no, no. Like say a werewolf looks like a wolf. a word thing to call a werewolf. No, no, no. Like say a werewolf looks like a wolf.

This one looks like a Labrador. Okay, like a little Chihuahua. Yeah, that would probably fit in the Venn diagram so that it crossed over with wolf and man. Anyway, that's my theory. Okay. Strong start. Apart from that insanity. Maybe this five minute episode is true.

Maybe we'll just end it there. Wow. I don't even know where to start. If someone draws that Venn diagram, that would be good to see. I watched Twilight yesterday, so I was pretty confident that I had a reign. I was like, I've got this episode under control. No! And it opens with that absolute madness.

I reckon. I'm debased. So there's a couple reasons I would put forward. Yeah, okay. Why a vampire hates a werewolf or why a werewolf hates a vampire. I think mostly the hate is on the werewolf side. Okay. Because I think that for a vampire, a werewolf is beneath them.

Oh, okay. Because a vampire is an arrogant piece of shit. Yeah. Kind of like how we hate ants and ants don't know we exist. What is happening? Oh, no. How did this topic bring out the most insane statements from any of us? We hate ants.

Where do I start with that? So, are we... So, ants are werewolves and vampires are humans. Vamp... werewolves... So, suck on. We hate it. That's so casually, so normally. We know we hate it.

And they just don't know we exist. Neither statement is true. So. Yes. Uh-huh. There's generally vampires Always seen enslaving The werewolves After I

If I'd have said What you just said I then wouldn't That's not where I restarted my statement Are you saying We enslave ants No

Okay So The werewolves They're like Right We're enslaved by vampires We hate that Right

Vampires Use werewolves As dogs And kind of like shock troops and that kind of jazz. Also, werewolves generally are very naturistic. They like, sometimes they're very shamans. Shamans. This is getting so far away from the ants and humans thing

that it's making that statement in hindsight seem even crazier. They're very shamans. They're very shamans. And then the thing you corrected was shaman. Shaman, shaman. That sentence. They are very shaman. Shamanistic? Shamanistic? They're very doctor.

That's what you just said. They're very close with nature. Yes. Okay. They're a very nature based monster. Sure. Look at the way they're talking. They're very nature based monsters. They're very nature based monsters. They're very doctor That's what you just said They're very close with nature They're a very nature based monster

Sure In touch with the environment You're saying vampires aren't? No because Vampires live in castles, wolves live in the woods That's true Are you about to claim that castles are the natural enemy of the woods? He might not be, but I am.

In a way, though, they are. Yeah, when you think about it. Actually, no. Technically, a castle would be the natural enemy of ground. You know, the ground hates castles. A castle doesn't know the ground exists. Well, a house would be the enemy of woods Well, a house would be the enemy of woods. Or a castle would be the enemy of woods.

No, because a wooden house is made of the woods. Yeah, but you can make a castle out of wood. No, you can't. It's going to be made out of rocks. Not all the time. You can make a wooden castle. Find me a wooden castle. I would call a wooden castle a fortress.

How do you call that a house? A big house. You could make, again, and you would not just use just stone making a castle. Yeah, but you would mostly use stone. Anyway, so it's your argument. So werewolves are very much in tune with nature. They are nature-based, sure. Yes, and so vampire, undead, an abomination.

Okay. Generally going against a natural order of things. Because when you die you should stay dead whereas a vampire not is it kind of a dog sniff situation like the werewolf smells the vampire and the vampire smells wrong and the werewolves like oh no good actually no this is fucking easy yeah we're dumb as shit yeah think about think about think about a dog with a bone. Okay, I'm there. So they think about it. How dare you?

How dare you just extend your hands like you'd solved it? That didn't get captured in audio medium, but he said, imagine a dog with a bone, then leaned back and shrugged as if to be like, did it? I can solve this riddle, fuckwits. So imagine a dog with a bone. He's like sniffing like, did it. I can solve this riddle, fuckwits. So imagine a dog with a bone. He's like sniffing it, chewing it. It's a dead thing that he likes to chew on.

And what is a vampire? But a dead thing with a lot of bones in there. They just want to chew on the bone. Why do dogs like bones? Because they taste good. Because they taste good. Yes. And also, you just have meat on them.

That's true. And they like meat. And a vampire got meat. But vampires have no blood. But you're saying, that's like, imagine there was a cake people that existed. Done. Would you hate them? Yeah, would you hate them or love them because they were made of delicious cake?

If someone smells like a dish you love, you don't despise them. Well, again, are we assuming a werewolf hates them when all they want to do is eat their tasty bones? Well, you are. We're not. Nice try. You know that insane thing I just said? Why do you believe that? Huh?

That's crazy. You're insane. Okay, well, it's also crazy that you brought up that vampires vampires enslaved the werewolves and then decided that wasn't the reason and found a brand new not always happening okay so in pop culture that i'm aware of sure in underworld yeah underworld true blood yep so those things that is the answer yeah in twice the first Twilight film, it's only explored briefly. And that is the only one I'm relating to because I watched it literally yesterday and cannot remember any of the other ones.

That's fair. In that, it seems that the Cullens and the Wolf family. Look us out, Jacob Sartorial. His name is Jacob Black, but that's not their name. Yeah, okay. I don't know. The Wolf Boys. His name is Jacob Black, but that's not their name. Yeah, okay. I don't know. The Wolf Boys. His name is Jacob Black?

Yeah. He turns to a black wolf, yeah? The Jean Short Brethren, yes. Yes. Uh-huh. So these clans hate each other because they were hunting in the same forest, I think. Okay. Wait, no.

Wait, no. I thought I remember a bit of Twilight. Then I was like, is that Twilight or is that something else? Try me. It might jog my memory. So someone comes to America. Okay. And they're like, we're the werewolves in charge of this.

This sounds more like Underworld. And there's a vampire. It's like ancient times. I feel like you're remembering. This sounds more like Underworld. And then there's a vampire. It's like ancient times. I feel like you're remembering a comic book or a novel. This is not Twilight. Or is this World of Darkness and something Adam made up? Maybe. Well, something with the Twilight thing.

Yeah. Is that a vampire and a werewolf. So are they fighting over eating humans? I think the difference with the Cullens and the clan, whose name I forget, is that the Cullens, the werewolves, like you're killing people in our tribe. Okay.

And then the vampire, the Cullens were like, no, we don't. So werewolves hate vampires because vampires kill people? Well, yeah, because werewolves don't necessarily kill or eat people. No, they usually kill or eat meat. Yeah. Well, like, I almost said dogs, but no, you went to dogs as well. Deer.

Deer was the word we were looking for. But vampires eat people and the werewolves are people. Yeah. Is that the difference? I think in Twilight that is the situation. But then the Cullens and the, they just agree not to be around each other. But I don't know why. They shapeshifted. I think it's that is the situation, but then the Cullens and they just agree not to be around each other, but I don't know why. Are they shapeshifting?

I think it's a city mouse, country mouse situation. Okay. Of course. Of course it is. Vampires are these city slickers. They're refined. They're cultured. They're charismatic.

And the werewolf, he's feral, he's wild, he's rowdy. So they're kind of just personality bases aren't going to get along. And I think that's just blossomed into a species-wide rivalry. The easy way to tell in Twilight is Edward wants to kiss Bella. Jacob wants to kiss her eggs. Yeah, exactly. There you go. That tells you everything you need to know.

The most insane. Oh, exactly. There you go. That tells you everything you need to know. The most insane... Oh, it's true madness. Insane ending of anything. Because aren't werewolves meant to be protecting humanity from vampires? Could be. Very well could be. Maybe it's an ant in a boot.

Maybe it's an ant in a boot. Which is actually a thing. Now that I said it like that i was like oh no i remember what you were vaguely remembering but that is not i don't know if that's what he was going for i was going it's just that you know vampires don't give a shit about world because they're so beneath them like how we hide ants like we don't know we exist yeah or like how wolves and bats are on the opposite end of the nature spectrum. Yeah, but okay, so let's shut up about that because I think my city mouse, country mouse

is where I'm landing because a vampire, imagine for a second you're a vampire. Done. Oh, you live in a beautiful castle. You got brides. You're drinking blood out of a wine glass. You're making witty jokes. Look, I know you want me to imagine being Dracula,

but I'm imagining being a Cullen. Well, whatever. I was imagining being Nosferatu. I'm living in a sewer. Okay. Oh no, this has gotten away from me. And I'm just living in a fancy house. Nevertheless. My mum and dad aren't my real mum and dad, and all my brothers and sisters who aren't my real brothers and sisters

and aren't each other's brothers and sisters are fucking. Nevertheless. I look like a rat boy. I've graduated high school 30 times or whatever. But imagine then in your castle, sorry, your lovely house. My big house. Or the sewers. Yeah. Your shithole.

A werewolf. Yes. In torn jean shorts. Slathering at the mouth. Yes. Slobbering at the mouth. Yes. Growling.

He enters your home. Who is this guy? Who is this yokel fuck? What does he think he's doing? Maybe I'm on the vampire's side. I'm on your side here, Jack. Imagine that. I think it's all due to fashion.

Yeah, okay. That's still okay. So now you're an erudite vampire. Sure. You're in pressed velvet, lovely, crushed, whatever it is. In a sewer. You're wearing like. Back of your velvet cloak.

Claked in human waste. Rats crawling on your feet, gnawing at your toes. You are a vampire who has fallen on hard times. And I'm wearing a white t-shirt and an open black hoodie, jeans, converse shoes. You look at a lot of the... My hair impossibly big. Interview with a vampire vampire. Look how handsome both Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt are.

They're very handsome, they look very good, and you're saying that the werewolf is just... And then, right? Imagine them, very erudite, little looking amazing and sexy in jewels and everything. And then the werewolf enter in... Daisy Dukes, effectively. Just Daisy Dukes. amazing and sexy and jewels and everything. And then the werewolf enter in. Daisy Dukes, effectively. Just Daisy Dukes.

Cut off jeans. And you're like, air. Well, yeah. So to make this less insane, you're saying it's a classist system. Yeah, it's class. Vampires are wealthy. Werewolves, poor. They got to eat chickens from people's farms. Vampires get to eat, you know.

The farmer. Yeah, exactly. The wealthy farmer and their kids. That's what class divide. Who gets to eat the farmer and who gets to eat the farmer's produce? What does that tell you? There you go. It is straight up a class divide.

Yeah, it's a class issue. This is, again, this is been a recurring trend of this episode where something makes sense and then we say more things on top of it. And slowly, in a sense, I can see this already slipping. I need an interjection. Yeah, it's class. That makes perfect sense. Yeah, who gets to eat the farmer?

Who gets to eat the produce? Human beings eat the produce. Yeah, but if one of them ate the farmer, they'd be in charge. Jackson. We would respect that. There it Exactly. Jackson, we would respect that. There he goes. Goodbye, logical answer. Catabolism's a crime. We don't respect

people that eat people. If we were in a situation where people were eating people, okay? And the higher the person's status. If we're in a situation where this is fact, then yes. So, all right, say you're in a revolution. Revolution is happening, right?

French Revolution. Say French Revolution. So now give me one of these. We've had another detail that will absolutely make his argument wrong. This is going to be good. Cool, yes. French Revolution. Whatever.

Who is he up against? I don't know. Let's say King Louis. Sure. King Louis from the Jungle Book. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And say, for example, we're like, oh.

Not a person. So eating him is different. Shit. You're fucked. Marie Antoinette, though. Marie Antoinette. Let them eat people. Yeah.

And so instead of whatever Rose Pierre did, he instead just ate Marie Antoinette. We'd be like, what a powerful human being. Absolutely. They should be the king of France. Yeah.

Tosha, come on. Imagine the world's ended. Imagine the world's ended. People have turned to cannibalism. Okay, so first you're like, imagine the French Revolution. Imagine the French Revolution. A subject I know nothing about but one name.

Robespierre. Now, imagine that but a nightmare version. Now imagine the end of the world. Imagine the world's ended and some people are cannibals. And you live in a society where there's also farmers. But the cannibals are eating

the farmers and you have to eat the cow. Oh, you clearly lower status than the cannibal eating the farmer. Jackson. Yes. We live in a world where I do eat the cow. And if I wanted to commit crimes, I probably could eat a person. I don't want to do that. If you ate the person that said of the cow, I'd respect you more.

No, you wouldn't. I feel this says more about you than Dushan. All you've done here is say, imagine a situation where this insane thing I've said is the truth.

Now, is that not the truth? And I'm saying, shut up. Nice try. Again, logical answer, gone. Disappeared. What about this theory? Okay.

Werewolves, only werewolves some of the time. The rest of the time, they're chattel for the vampire. That's like if your dog was a... Yes, Jackson? That's like if my dog was what? If your dog was only your dog for one day every month. And what are they the other

times? A human. Sorry, no. I guess a steak. Yeah. Is it to do because vampires like dogs? They're like, who's a good boy? Oh, no, now you're just a meal? I think the vampires maybe see them as a pretender, I suppose. A pretender of a dog or a pretender of a meal?

They eat animals sometimes too. They wouldn't care. You're not a vampire in my dog meal. They eat animals sometimes too. They wouldn't care. You're not a vampire in my dog situation. You're you. I was going to make him a vampire, but all right. I'm me. Even if you were a vampire. Yeah.

And it turns into a dog. Yeah. Once a month. But what if I eat it when it's a steak? Then it dies. Yeah. You can have a couple of nibbles of the steak during the month and it won't die. No, that's not.

Okay. I have a steak. Sure. This steak does turn into a dog once a month. I don't know that. Yeah. No. If I cook and eat the steak, does it act any differently to a normal steak?

No. Then I won't even know it's a dog. No, but you do know it becomes a dog once a month. It smiles at you. Yeah. The steak has a face now. You meant it as a dog. No, but you do know it becomes a dog once a month. It smiles at you. Yeah. The steak has a face now. You met it as a dog. Okay. And now I hate this dog

because it turns into a steak. Yeah. Because you were like, I thought I had companionship and now you're just food. Yeah. Is that why? Alright, maybe it's a human one day a month and the rest of the time it's a steak. And you're annoyed because you're like, you're not really a human, you're a steak.

Isn't that why humanity should hate? No, because the vampire monster solidarity. The vampire is like, you're pretending to be a monster with me. Well, secretly you're just a person. Is that what they're doing? Just like Dusher is like, you're pretending to be a person secretly, but really you're just a person. Is that what they're doing? Just like Dushar is like, you're pretending to be a person, secretly, but really, you're just a steak. And now, a quick word from our sponsors.

Also, plumbing is bad, but you're still listening to it and all. But did you know we produce at least eight other podcasts? Like, maybe you wish it was just Jackson, and instead of his good friends joining him, it was his family. And instead of talking shit about pop culture, they were bumbling their way through answering listeners' questions and queries to the best of their ability. If this sounds like you, then why not head to sandspantsradio.com and search for Bailey Family Circus,

our advice podcast that's far better than it has any right to be. Okay. So they're annoyed because, like, if you were a dog full-time, I'd like that, but you're not. Yeah, but the reason that he wants them you were a dog full time, I'd like that. But you're not. You're a snake. The reason that he wants them to be a dog full time is you're a monster like me. Yeah. So they're angry that they're not.

So it's not to do with like, hey, you're a dog. That's great. I get companionship. And now I'm like, ah, now you're nothing but the rest of those. Because a vampire doesn't want companionship with a werewolf. Vampires do their own thing. But then why do they want monsters to sell their ass? Well, they're just nice to know that there are other monsters out there.

So vampires are upset because they have a worse deal because they have to be vampires every day. Could be. So it's jealousy? Oh, so that's not what you're saying. No. I think I was pretty clear. Is it jealousy?

No. No, no, no. It's the opposite. It's kind of like disdain like you're okay so vampire being out and proud versus someone that only is out once a month a month yeah and then hating them it doesn't make sense a werewolf and a vampire they're both monsters right no way maybe no i'll get this because like again the opposite of like is they're not indifferent they They hate them.

So there's clearly a lot of strong emotions there. So it could have gone either way of loving or hating. So you're right. You're right. It could just be like this whole like, yay, monster solidarity. You're like me. This is great. We're both monsters.

We're both feeding on human. We're feeding on human. We're shunned by humanity. They all hate us. Ah, you're just a dude, every other. You've been a human this whole time. Pretender. You're a pretender.

Fake. Fake human. Fake monster. Okay, yeah, that makes perfect sense. Except what do vampires look like? People. And what do vampires often do? Pretend to be people.

But they are pretending. Yeah, but you're, this whole time, you're saying, you're pretending to be a person. So are vampires. No, but they're pretending on purpose. Werewolves have no choice. They have to pretend. A werewolf basically is a human. What are you saying?

Vampires can act like humans. Werewolves. I don't know where he's gone. Werewolves are human except for one time during the month. But they're not. Vampire. They're still werewolves. You cut them open one time during the month. But they're not. Vampire, yeah, they're a person. They're still werewolves. You cut them open, do they not bleed human blood?

No, they bleed werewolf blood because it's hotter. Yeah, and a lot of people, like when you kill a human that's a werewolf, turn into a werewolf when they die. Well, okay, what do you got? Throw that theory in the bin, what do you got? Come on Both species are proud and angry You know no more than we do

No, because it could just be like the same food source that both alpha predators, like above humans in the food chain They have totally different hunting methods. Lions and hyenas get along. Yeah.

Yeah, but don't hyenas eat their scraps? Yeah. So, but... There's a gazelle, human, frolicking through the savannah, walking through the city streets. And a vampire comes down and sucks all the blood out right leaves them on the floor i like that you lost the metaphor that's cool is the vampire eating behind shut up then the uh hyena comes along uh uh werewolf and then eats the meat

yeah yeah except wouldn't done well no but they also have different vampires and werewolves have totally different hunting styles. A vampire is about seduction. Trickery. Like when you want to fuck a cow. No, you don't actually want to fuck... Welcome to my home, gal!

Would you like to have a sit on this sizzling couch? No! You don't actually want to fuck the cow, though. You just trick the cow into wanting it. Yeah, but by seducing the cow. Come in. Mmm.

Please. Moo. Enjoy. Moo, enjoy. You want your sexy cow. Oh, I'm not hungry for any grass. Please. Please.

Fill yourself up. Fill it up, yes. Mmm. And then you eat the cow No but so a vampire uses seduction And trickery but a werewolf Is just like an all out attack So they're attacking different kinds of people

But it's not necessarily Because they integrate into society The same it's just that one when they Are unintegrate so a vampire When it attacks is calculated But when a werewolf attacks It's chaos Yeah but a vampire, one of the taxes calculated, but when a vamp, when a werewolf attacks, it's chaos.

Yeah. But that vampire goes to a tavern, seduces someone, brings them back to their house, maybe feast on them over the course of like a week. Werewolf usually knows full moon coming. So if werewolf also go to tavern, that's not how typical werewolf attack.

Werewolf waits till traveler on road, leap out of bush, eat horse and man. Very simple. Yum yum. Also sometimes werewolf don't even wait till full moon. They just be wolf. Yeah. They choose. They can pick.

Which means, going back to a previous statement, they're not pretending. They're not people. They're not pretending. That's not people. They're not pretending. That's like if a person could become a steak whenever they want. Sorry, if a steak could become a person whenever they want. Whenever it so desires. And wouldn't that infuriate?

I'd be mad. Infuriate a vampire because you're like, they can just turn into like a steak whenever a person, whenever. Whereas here I am, I got to like, I can't even go out in the sun. Yeah. This sucks. No. Oh, maybe that's it.

No. No, it's not. Whatever you're thinking, it's incorrect. Maybe it's because a werewolf has fewer weaknesses than a vampire. Yeah.

In the monster lottery, the vampire got the roar a deal. Werewolf, silver bullets, and i can't think of anything else well it depends some werewolves you can just kill regular way you're right i think it's also because he's not he's imagine being aware like a vampire and being like i got bit by a vampire yeah i know you got bit by a werewolf and you know why wasn't i bitten by a werewolf yeah this sucks that would be better oh garlic i garlic, I'm dead. Running water, I'm dead. A cross, I'm dead.

Whales don't care about religious iconography. Because this isn't about like, you know, I was born into it. This is a choice made by something. You get made by a vampire or a werewolf. And I imagine being a vampire, you'd be jealous of that because you clearly want to be a werewolf. It's jealousy. It's jealousy.

Absolutely don't think that's true. In a lot of- Time will tell. Yes, time will tell when I finish this sentence. In almost every pop culture situation, vampires usually happy they're vampires or like somewhat conflicted where every single werewolf I can think of

hates being a werewolf. Yeah, the tragedy of the werewolf is that they are a werewolf. They're like, I can't live a normal life. Where vampires often either, in Twilight, do live a normal life, but with some differences. Yeah. Or they just live in a castle and don't care.

Okay. And still go to town. All right. Everyone's like, oh, it's a weird guy. They're not like, oh, a vampire. Same argument, but flip it. What? Werewolves wish they were vampires.

That I can agree with. Alright, so it is jealousy. There you go. Because a werewolf could be like, man, if I had a choice, I would have gotten bitten by a vampire, but instead I got bitten by a piece of shit werewolf, and now I'm a werewolf.

Maybe it feels better to be bitten by a vampire versus bitten by a piece of shit werewolf and now I'm a werewolf maybe it feels better to be bitten by a vampire versus bitten by a werewolf why do we keep doing this? this whole episode where you're like oh this is rather than being like this is a reason what other reasons? we're like here's a reason that works now what if we just drag it down into the shit again

we spit on it a bit and now it's worse and then we present it again because imagine two different kinds of bites. Yeah. There's a bit on the artery and the neck. Yeah. Oh, you get your blood drained. Makes you woozy.

Feels kind of good. Jackson. Bit sexy. You don't need to argue this for me. I know that being bitten by a vampire. Because being bitten by a werewolf is like being attacked by a rabid animal. Exactly. And get mauled.

Yeah. Worst animal. Exactly. Get mauled. Yeah. Worst scars. Exactly. Vampires turn people on purpose. Werewolves usually do it accidentally. Absolutely. You're in bed rolling around with, you know, what you just think is a normal person.

Nosferatu. You brought home an ugly dude. You found a guy in the sewer. Cousin in human shit. Eating a rat. Yeah. You're like, I should fuck this. I like his pointy two front teeth.

And in mid coitus, they do a bit of a nibble on your neck. And you're like, ooh. You're like, oh, horny. And you're like, oh, what was that? Did you bite me? Or was that one of the rats that's still on you? And then you hear a screech and you don't know if it was a rat. No, it was Ferraro.

Yeah. Werewolf, you're out camping with your son. All of a sudden, you hear a screech and you don't know if it was a rat or Nosferatu. Yeah, werewolf, you're out camping with your son. All of a sudden you hear howls, run to the camper van, boy. A werewolf took my son. Werewolf eats your kid and then leaps onto you and bites the shit out of your legs and crotch. And then all of a sudden you're a wolf man. Not as good.

If you kill the wolf that made you, do you become a man again? That's what I've been led to believe. But it doesn't work for vampires. Another jealousy thing. A werewolf can be like, I have a goal to be a human again, whereas a vampire is like, nah. Where are you pulling this from? My mind.

Vampires, I think you could probably say the same thing. No, there's more in pop culture about that with werewolves. Because I remember that episode of Futurama about a werecar. Ah, he's got you there. Destroy the original werecar. Okay, so one episode of Futurama. Twilight's not the case. What's the other wolf thing I was just thinking of?

I don't know, man. I'm on your brain wolf yeah i'm sure basketball skills vampires can't play basketball vampires can't dunk vampires vampires can't jump it's so simple douchey vampires can jump and run very quickly that'd be look we'll do your favorite thing again. Flip it. Oh, makes sense. Werewolves good at basketball. Vampires better at basketball. Can run and jump better. I reckon it's a lifespan issue. A vampire lives feasibly forever.

Werewolf has a regular human lifespan. Maybe it's got the lifespan of a dog. Oh no. That's so sad. And big dogs live shorter than little boys. Is it just basically a jealousy thing on both situations? Look, hey. Yeah.

Is it potentially a class issue? Yeah. And not habitat. What's the- Environment? No, the- House? No, the- House? No. Society?

I was saying it before. I don't know. Shared hunting- Predators? Apex? Territory. Ah. Encouraging on each other's territories.

Yeah. And then also, yes, similar hunting. Just maybe- So it's a class thing? Yes. Similar territory and hunting area. Territory issues and same prey. I still think it's a bat-wolf thing.

I haven't really changed my opinion since the beginning. I think it's a jealousy thing. I reckon they think that the grass is always greener on the other side no matter what monster you might be. Bats largely hairless. Wolf, largely hairy. Exactly. Bats are quite hairy.

Bats, little wolf, big. If you're a vampire and you're so smooth and you're like, fuck, I wish I was hairy, and then you're a wolf and you're like, fuck, I wish I was smooth. You always want what you can't have. It's just nature with human legs. That's the problem with it all.

Grass is always greener. It's definitely the things I said. Well, well. You decide. Let us know in the comments. Yeah, let us know in the comments below. It's cool that this is the thing that's torn us apart. If you would like any evidence of this, just pick anything that has both of these things in it.

Watch it. Read it. And you'll be like, oh. Let us know what you think. Tweet at douche13 all his wrong theories. We'd appreciate that. If you just tweet,

like, look, you've got an old dog's a dead. Is that your dog? Yeah. Yeah, it's always confusing. And goddammit, dammit. You don't even need to say anything except you are wrong.

Full stop. I think once somebody draws that Venn diagram I was talking about at the beginning, it'll all come pretty clear. It'll be clear. Yeah. At least we can all agree

that I was right with the ants thing. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jack. And I've also been Joel, and we've all lost our minds. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter you can find us at Sandspants Radio or you can find us individually

I'm at Douche13 I'm at OldDogsOfDead and I'm at GodDammitZammit If you want to hear our other shows you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there There's heaps and if you want to support us

head to SandspantsPlus.com Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time Goodnight for now But not forever content there there's heaps and if you want to support us head to sanspansplus.com uh thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time good night for now but not forever kisses