Plumbing the Death Star - Why Does Donkey Kong Wear a Tie?

Episode Date: July 31, 2016

In which our heroes get ready for a formal occasion, learn how to do a windsor knot and completely forget to put on pants as we head out the door, all the while wondering why Donkey Kong wears a tie. We look at the attire of all the Kong Klan, discover horrible things about Mario’s past and constantly remind ourselves of DK’s lacking intelligence. Jackson wants to know where the bananas are, Zammit wants to put ties on all apes, fictional and real, and Duscher just wants more information on the DK rap. It’s a strange suit fitting as we dress up animals. Want to help dress animals in formalwear? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help get an ape in more wedding photos. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pants Radio, not in the groin, please. Today's episode has been proudly sponsored by Dustin Bullchild, Anthony Licchiardi, Eamon Maloney, Ben Woodward, Lacey Farnden, Mark Abrahams, Dustin Regan, Dean Holmes, Josh Lowry, and George Balm. All your eyes are beacons in a stormy sea. You are the lighthouse for my soul, a simple candle in the breeze that never goes out, never wavers. It is forever burning bright to guide me home and closer into your warm embrace.

These amazing people donate to us on Patreon, which enables us to keep doing what we're doing, as well as some great things, Thank you. guy would make the best good guy. Make sure you're in Melbourne or can at least get to Melbourne for the screening. Our favourite answer will get two tickets so bring yourself and a friend and you can be hanging out with your favourite boys to help ruin other cinema goers experience as we inevitably talk loudly over this one and forget to even consider turning off our phones. You better answer quick as we'll be letting the winner know Tuesday afternoon-ish and I I'm pretty sure that's all I have to cover, so now enjoy the show. Hey guys, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, why does Donkey Kong, as we've established time and time again, is just an ape.

He's just an ape. Diddy Kong, he can talk sometimes. Well, hang on. Plus he can fire a gun. Hang on a second. Actually, is Donkey Kong an ape? Yeah. Because He's just an ape. Diddy Kong? He can talk sometimes. Well, hang on. Hang on a second, actually. Is Donkey Kong an ape? Yeah. Because he's the son of Cranky Kong who can talk. Diddy Kong is his younger brother? I don't think Diddy Kong's a chip. Or is he a cousin?

I don't think Donkey Kong's related to the rest of the Kong. Is it just Cranky Kong? No, let's talk Kongs. Okay, hang on. Let's get our... Oh, wait, this is my favourite segment. Get your Kong on. But is he the son of Cranky Kong? Well, hang on. Let's get out. Oh, wait, this is my favorite segment. Get your Kong on. But is he the son of Cranky Kong? Well, see, in the canon, yes. In the DK lore.

But hear me out. Donkey Kong is a gorilla. Cranky Kong is more like a chimp. But he's an old gorilla. Old gorillas don't look like that. Donkey Kong walks on his hands and legs. So we talking... Cranky Kong has his pants on a walking stick. So you say maybe that Donkey Kong walks on his hands and legs So we're talking Donkey Kong has his pants on a walking stick So you say maybe

That Donkey Kong Like maybe he'd be Donkey Kong Jr Yeah But Cranky Kong is a fucking ape in the First Oh I know Yeah So we're talking maybe here that

Did Cranky Kong adopt Donkey Kong That seems more likely Or by adopt I mean just take ownership of an ape. Just take a gorilla. Or is he a gorilla that is not as dumb? Not a clever gorilla, you mean? Can I say the R word? No.

You can say the S word, though. So is TK just a spastic ape? A spastic Kong. But why? Here's the fucking question. Why is Donkey Kong, if he can't talk, and he doesn't know what's going on most of the time, prepared for a formal event?

Well, if you had an ape, wouldn't you put a tie on him? Solely for the pure joy that you get looking at him. If you had an ape, why wouldn't you put a tie on him? Solely for the pure joy that you get looking at him. If you had, mate, why wouldn't you put a tie on him? Then you can take him to fucking balls. Krusty the goddamn clown has a chimp, and what does he do? Puts a goddamn tie

and roller skates on him. The question should be, why doesn't Donkey Kong wear a tie? It should be, why doesn't Donkey Kong also wear roller skates? But let's, like I was trying to do at the start, let's talk Kongs. Okay. Donkey Kong, gorilla. Diddy Kong, chimp. Yep. What's Dixie or Tiny Kong? Chimp.

Chimp. Lanky is orangutan. Orangutan. Chunky. Gorilla. Funky. Gorilla. Funky wears jean shorts and a vest. Sometimes a Hawaiian shirt, because he's fucking funky as fuck. Funky, Ian shorts and a vest Sometimes a Hawaiian shirt Because he's fucking funky as fuck

Funky I mean chunky Wears like a fucking vest and a backwards baseball cap And jeans So why when you've got all these clothes Lanky wears fucking overalls Dixie Kong wears like overalls as well Like little

She's like a little girl She wears little girl overalls And like Pigtails None of the other Kongs have hair. Yeah, she has hair and that's weird. Tiny Kong also doesn't have hair. No!

Candy Kong has hair. Female Kongs have hair. Lady Kongs have hair. That's just Kong. That's just how you do it. That's how you do it. We don't want to question the nature of Kong. Candy Kong wears fucking like sexy outfits. Candy Kong is far too sexy with all the Kongs I don't like it

And it's always weird in Donkey Kong 64 when you go and visit her And DK just has that Look at his face and she's like hey baby And he's like And you're like you don't know what the fuck's going on do you Donkey Kong You stupid idiot They're all called Kongs so you're probably related Don't fuck your relatives

Hey as nature happens. Hey, Jackson, this could be your favorite theory. Cossus is okay. But, like, it's monkeys. They do what monkeys do. That's monkeys. That's monkeys. But why are all the other Kongs wearing clothes,

but nobody fucking thought to put pants on DK? DK is the bloody Kong with room temperature IQ that probably shitits himself. Then put pants on him. No, because then he's got to clean them. Put a diaper on him. Diddy doesn't wear pants. He just has a t-shirt.

Oh, that's a good point. That's a good question. That's like t-shirt fucking monkey dick out. Diddy Kong must be fucking clever. Because Diddy Kong can operate a jetpack. And shoot two peanut pistols. No, but Donkey Kong has be fucking clever. Monkey dick out. Because Diddy Kong can operate a jetpack. And shoot two peanut pistols. No, but Donkey Kong has a coconut shotgun. Yeah, coconut, yeah.

No, the bazooka is chunky. He has a pineapple shotgun. Oh, watermelon, pineapple? Pineapple shotgun. Oh, yeah, who's that Kong? Oh, no, that's Funky Kong again, isn't it? He's the one who gives them weapons in DK64. Which is weird, because in the one beforehand in Donkey Kong Country

He's just surfboarding. Yeah, he owns a jet service That's how you get between worlds But then in Donkey Kong 64 he's like, yeah, I'm in the arms business now Hi, I'm Funky Kong arms dealer How you doing? Something went weird for Funky Kong. He made some interesting connections. He sure did

I still think my theory of DK being a dullard. Yeah, and so they decided to chuck a tie on him so that, like, at least when we're out, he's going to look the part. Like, if you have this, like, inbred... Anyone read Preacher? Yeah.

You know when it gets to the really later comics or the last, like, descendant of Jesus? But it's just this inbred, dumb piece of shit. You think Donkey Kong's like that? Yeah. But then, why is Donkey Kong the protagonist of all the games? Why would you be like, hey, so say I'm Cranky Kong, right? And I'm like, oh, the Kremlins are back.

Give him something to do. No, but you're like, I've got to send someone out. I'm too old. You're like, yeah, hey, Diddy, you're a child. Take your dullard uncle out Don't let him hug anyone too tight And go Stop the cramlings

Of mice and men, a bit like Sling Blade Like I like potato chips You're trying to say Donkey Kong Country Is of mice and men, but with a happier ending? Yeah Is there a point where Diddy pulls out his peanut pistol In Donkey Kong Country is of mice and men but with a happier ending? Is there a point where Diddy pulls out his peanut pistol in Donkey Kong Country

and he's like, look out into the ocean donkey. The back of the head, two shots dead on the ground. Mama's crying. This episode went south. I just wanted to talk about actual ape Donkey Kong wearing a tie.

No, we're talking about mice and men. When he's dead. Pulled that girl's hair too hard and killed her. That's something that DK could do. I haven't seen Dixie in a while. Yeah, she does disappear between the country games in 64. We get Tiny instead. Just saying.

Oh, no, Donkey, what have you done? There's also magic in the Donkey Kong world, which is weird. And also... Oh, wait, there's another Kong that we forgot. The other... The one in Donkey Kong Country 3. Oh, the one who wears, like, weird footie pyjamas.

Yeah. I forget his name. He's weird. He looks like a young version of, like, Chunky-O. He also kind of looks like Donkey Kong Jr., but he's not, because that's DK. Donkey Kong. DK. Donkey Kong is here. he also kind of looks like donkey kong jr but he's not because that's dk donkey kong d-d-d-d-d-k donkey kong is here they can coordinate an entire rap which is pretty

impressive is he like an idiot savant then well actually no because this is one hell of a guy yeah but he screams no he just makes ape noises that's not no diddy kong screams all right in fucking super mario uh it's either in donkey kong country or it's in you know it's in dk64 if you get a banana there's just like this scary actual ape scream yeah it's fucked it's like oh jesus christ is that how the apes actually sound the kongs sorry it's offensive that word is offensive are you getting the lyrics to the DK rap? Yep Good, because that'll give us an idea of who Donkey Kong is as a person That is true

Did he write them or did someone else write them? Well, it's not any of the Kongs singing the song Who is singing it? It's like a voiceover guy Or is that actually DK's voice? It's the only time he says it because he's shy I'm trying to think He's just a shy guy

He's a shy boy The DK rap, also known as the monkey rap, is a rap song about Donkey Kong and his friends. Thanks, internet. I was expecting more from that, but I guess that's all. Yeah, you helped us out. I'm trying to think of the things that the Kongs can do, okay? So they're wearing

clothes. So we are to assume that there is a level of seam... Stress. Seam... What do you call it?'s the leader sorry i'm just gonna jump in with i found the lyrics now good here we go he's the leader of the bunch you know him well he's finally back to kick some tail his coconut gun can fire in spurts if he shoots shoots you, it's gonna hurt. He's bigger, faster, and stronger too. He's the first member of the DK crew.

Okay, you know what that says to me? Nothing. You know how we, nowadays, we elect our leaders. So we elect our leaders of like, if they're intelligent, if they have good policies, if they do kind of good things for society. These guys are apes.

They're Kongs. They're going to elect the leader who's the biggest and can beat the shit out of each other. They're going to go from the alpha. He's like retard strong. He's like, hey, DK, I'm going to challenge you to the leadership. And they're just like, you're dead. That's a real scary ape noise.

That definitely peaked. I can tell because it hurt my ears. I think DK might just be mute though because like he never shows He's not mute. He does monkey sounds. I guess. Maybe just nobody taught him to talk.

I'm reading more of the lyrics. Everyone else gets a way better description than Donkey Kong because he's just like because he's a dullard read me Diddy's he's back again and about time too and this time he's in the mood

he can fly real high with his jetpack that explains the lack of shorts he's back again and about time too and this time he's in the mood he can fly real high with his jetpack on with his pistols out he He's one tough Kong. He'll make you smile when he plays his true Kremlins. But where?

Because he's after you, huh? DK can play the drums. Just saying. Diddy can play the guitar. He's got quite coordination with the drums. He can play the drums. And in DK Jungle Beat, he fights people with his drums. He can play the drums, but really, what is that?

What is drums? What is drums? He's got no timing. He's just smacking shit with other shit. I mean, it's not as impressive as Diddy's electric guitar. Yeah. But it still requires a certain level of coordination. It does.

It does. I just think he's an idiot. How does DK know where his bananas are? Well, they're literally underneath his house. No, I know. But I mean, when the Kremlings take them There's a note isn't there Yeah King K. Rool

Leaves them a note being like Fuck you donkey Also there's a trail of bananas Oh that's true Wow that's real bad on the Kremlings They just left bananas wherever they went Well they've got so many they've just fallen out Also again think about DK

He's an idiot Yeah He's like I need to invest in money Bananas Store them Where are you storing them? Are you going to like

Refrigerate them? Are you going to freeze them? Nah Hot jungle In a cave That's a bad place for bananas They're going to rot He has a house

In DK64 With a bed Yeah Doesn't mean anything Doesn't even shit Doesn't even jack in Jack's squat. Where do the rest of the Kongs live?

In other houses, I guess. Little huts and houses. You only see one house where DK lives. Cranky's house. What is a Kong? What do you mean it was a Kong?

What's a Kong? What's a Bailey? Well, a Bailey is my last name, but we're all human beings. Yeah. The Kongs include a chimp and an orangutan.

Yeah. And a whatever chunk. They're a clan. Of all apes? In Star Wars, you have the Mandalores. Okay, so all the Kongs. A bounty hunter race? Not a bounty hunter race. They're a warrior tribe.

Warrior guerrilla tribe. In Mandalore, there's no race. They're just a bunch of sick lads Coming together Being sick cunts Do you think that's what's happening With the Kongs? They're just like

We're a bunch of sick lads Doing sick shit So let's all come together And be Kongs And fucking have all these bananas And have rat times And oh fuck you Someone took our bananas

Let's go fuck that shit up Let's go fuck their shit up You know what's interesting Yes Is that Funky Kong Runs a jet service Right That is interesting.

He's a monkey. But it's like a rebuilt jet. Oh, yeah. It's like, did he find a crashed jet from the Mushroom Kingdom? Did Funky Kong found the airports in Mushroom Kingdom? Because we had trouble figuring that out last time. That's true. And was he like, great, here's a smashed plane.

I'll just patch it up with coconut husks. I mean, Donkey Kong is clearly nowhere near as clever as the other Kongs. At all. Not even close. No. Actually, you know what? Now that I think about it, can Diddy Kong talk? Have we ever seen Diddy Kong talk?

Cranky Kong can. Cranky Kong runs his mouth. So does Funky Kong. And so does Candy Kong. But does Diddy? Does Tiny? Do any of the Kongs? Tiny's a baby. Tiny's not that much.

He's just like a little girl. She's just a kid. What's the baby one then? He's in the pajamas. Yeah, that's the one we were talking about before. I can't remember his name. He doesn't talk, but he's a baby. Whatever.

What is his name? Do any of the Kongs talk? What is going on? Do any of the Kongs talk? What is going on? I don't know. Diddy Kong can talk enough to create, like, and organize a tournament of race karts. That's true. Yes. Diddy Kong Racing.

Classic. Oh, no. Do you know what? So Diddy Kong Racing, that exists in a universe where Banjo-Kazooie exists oh no that is some that is a hot combination of franchises I don't want combined because that means Banjo-Kazooie Mario and Donkey Kong all need to live in the same

universe actually I think in the DS version of Donkey Kong Racing they got rid of Banjo because nobody owns Banjo anymore or Microsoft does and ruined it yeah Banjo because nobody owns Banjo anymore or Microsoft does and ruined it yeah Banjo Kazooie Knots and Bolts

it was sick remember that time we bought it and returned it because it was bad I do it was good it was so bad

it's a trash game nobody wanted that game it insults its audience that game Redone or whatever yeah and they got rid of all the violence

they got rid of all the swearing the cussing they kind of all the swearing. Cossing? They kind of mock you at the start. Like, you think it's a different game because of some minor changes. Nah, it's not. You're a piece of shit.

You're like, why are you doing this? Why would you do this? Why would you be so rude? Please, Jackson, keep touching the microphone stand. It pleases me. It's good. It pleases our listeners as well. They love it. So what games does Donkey Kong bring him?

Country 1, 2, and 3. 64. And then the two new Wii ones. Well, he's not really into... Kitty Kong. Kitty Kong. There we go. Dixie Kong is Diddy Kong's girlfriend. She's a gorilla.

He's a chimp. That's wrong. Dixie's Diddy's. Yeah. Are they both chimps? No. What's Dixie? Dixie's a little chimp.

Dixie's a little chimp girl. Oh, boy. Oh, my God. I just accidentally clicked on list of Kongs. How many Kongs are there? The Kong family, also known as the Kong Clan with a K. Or the DK Crew. Is this like a crime family?

I'm sure I reckon they're like in. Is the name of all of Donkey Kong's family and friends. Well, I'm assuming Likey isn't one of the... Yeah, because he's not family. He's an orangutan. He's friends. Donkey Kong's a mountain gorilla. Yeah.

That's Likey's noise when he does the flip. You're just learning about the Kongs there, Dusha? I'm learning so much. Can you tell us? Yeah, can you let us in on what you're learning? Oh, kongs there dusha i'm learning so much can you tell us yeah can you let us in on what you know i've pretty much no that's no it's not we're doing a podcast i don't need to read anything out loud no i was just donkey kong's a mountain gorilla and then it was like first if he's in donkey kong but nah he doesn't that's cranky yeah cool like cranky kong the mountain gorilla yeah i'll try and find out. Give me a second. All right. Diddy Kong's a spider monkey.

That's adorable. So I guess he's not part of the Kong family then. Cranky is an elderly ill-tempered gorilla. Okay, so they're both gorillas. So Cranky is a gorilla. Cranky could have theoretically given birth to Donkey Kong. Oh, yeah, actually. He's not giving birth to anyone.

No, no, no. Wrinkly Kong, his wife. His dead wife. She dies. That's a weird thing to happen in a game. Also, Wrinkly Kong. What was the name beforehand? Hope not Wrinkly. She was always Wrinkly Kong.

Wrinkly and Cranky Kong. Presumably Cranky Kong wasn't cranky when he was a kid. That's true. Is there any other gorillas? Yeah. List the gorillas, Dusha. The gorillas or list all the Kongs? Like the line The lineage of the

Cranky end with Donkey Donkey Kong is also the only Kong that wears a tie He's the only formal Kong None of the other Kongs Are formal and it's strange Everybody's taking this in Different directions But that's what stressed me from the beginning

According to Rare the developers of Donkey Kong Country there are multiple Donkey Kongs. What? And the modern one who appears in Donkey Kong Country onwards is actually a grown up version of Junior himself. Yeah. Donkey

So there are two Donkey Kongs. Cranky was Donkey Kong 1. Donkey Kong is Donkey Kong 2. But Donkey Kong 1. This is why was Donkey Kong 1. Donkey Kong is Donkey Kong 2. But Donkey Kong 1... This is why we should never do research mid-episode. Does the Donkey Kong from the first Donkey Kong wear a tie? Yeah. Is it like a...

Like an heirloom? Like an heirloom, yeah. And that's why no one else wears it. When Donkey Kong has a kid, will he give that kid a tie? Of course. That's kind of beautiful. There you go. It's less about being ready for formal occasions and it's being like, I love my dad.

Where did the original tie come from, though? His dad. No, that doesn't help. It's just one generation back. Well, then, like, look at him. Maybe he's fucking, like, crusty, right? Yeah. He's like some eccentric billionaire put a gorilla in a tie and was like,

look at my gorilla. Look, Jenkins, give me my finest chai. I'll put it on Bobo. Wait a second. Donkey Kong's not Mario's pet, is he? No. Are you sure? No.

Please look that up for me, Ducha. Because I just feel like I remember reading somewhere that Donkey Kong is Mario's pet gorilla who escaped. And if that's true, what? And if that's true, that Mario is like... Hey, Polly, Polly, come here. Look, come here look look imagine if i put up the tie mario's pet ape there we go that's why he's got a tie or maybe mario gave him the tie yeah oh god that means that whenever donkey comes yeah i'm going carting with mario

he fucking kept me in a cage. I got free. And just runs away. What the fuck? I think it's Mario gave him the tie. Or if it's just kind of like, if that's the one thing that Cranky grabbed on the way out to symbolize his freedom. Put it on, yep.

You know what I mean? This is like, this is the freedom tie. Or is is it like because fucking mario who knows what he was doing originally donkey kong was mario's pet but mario was a terrible owner didn't take care of him we know oh god so maybe mario was like one of those eccentric billionaires yeah who's like put their monkey up in a lot of stuff and you know you know game of thrones yeah or he's like put their monkey up in a lot of stuff. And you know Game of Thrones where he's like worm tongue, right? Is he worm tongue? No. He's the like leader of the things

like he's worm or some shit. I don't know who you mean. Is it worm tongue? Which guy? Like the main slaver, not slaver, but like the castrated boys. Oh, yeah.

Grey worm. Grey worm, right? I don't know if they say it in the um tv show in the books it's like you know you can do any name you want and he's like i'm going to choose gray one was like why because that's the name that i had when you slay you you uh freed us so this is a lucky name for me so maybe that's the fucking outfit that dk was wearing the day he escaped from his oppressor, Mario. He's like, this tie, this tie was a lucky tie because this is the tie that I wore when I escaped from that cunt Mario. Jesus.

And I'm going to give this to my son. To represent me. To represent me. And it'd be a constant fucking reminder, whenever you go to like Mario party or go-karting or play tennis with him, you wear this. You wear this and look him in the fucking eye. Jesus.

That's why he wears a goddamn tie. As a constant reminder that he is a free ape and to fuck you, Mario. If Mario took original DK from the DK forests and jungles that implies that like there's been a lot of human involvement in the DK jungles that is now kind of gone because like in a lot of the DK country games there's like

the evidence of former civilized did the Kongs drive humanity out of the DK jungle is Donkey Kong did the planet of the apes? Is Donkey Kong Did the Planet of the Apes happen? And then Mario took back over? Maybe. Was it reverse Planet of the Apes?

Just imagining fucking Mario in like safari gear with a trank gun. Yeah. Shooting a mountain gorilla and being like, I'm gonna take this back and put it in a silly little suit. That's a little funny. Yeah, I reckon did Mario go to

the mushroom kingdom to escape his terrible past potentially seems a bit like it because you think about cranky tongue can talk

yeah cranky communicate that means that Mario not only kept an ape kept a sentient talking ape maybe Mario

told him how to talk but that wouldn't explain candy or that's a grandfather so he could have taught them. No, they're about the same age. Oh, no, they're not. Yeah, you're right. I suppose.

It doesn't explain the ageing process, though. It does not at all. How does ape age work? How does Kong age work? If Mario was, say, 20, and when he caught... He was young, you didn't know. When he caught a seasoned gorilla,

who was, say, 40, let's say 40. Okay. He's already got a kid. Yeah. Yeah. And that's why Cranky's kind of old. Yeah. Yeah.

Like now, now, now Mario may be like 40 himself. I think Mario's probably gone on like a bit of a journey to kind of make up for his past transgressions, I think. He would need to because he seemed like. He's still hanging out with Donkey Kong, so I assume at some point he was like, hey, DK, look. I'm so sorry. But you reckon he's doing that, but every time he looks down

at that tie, he's like, hmm. I wish I'd kept that gorilla. He's like, that's a constant reminder there. That gorilla was funny when he was on the little bike. I miss it, I wanna lie. Look, in one breath, you're like, he's going to Jiribu. He's like to, to like make up for his strange progressions to be like, no.

It's just real funny to imagine him and Luigi watching like DK driving around the track and being like, God, I should have kept that gorilla Luigi. Luigi's like, Jesus, Mario. You didn't learn a thing, did you? Mario, come on, man. There's nothing good about this. Just a wish I'd have kept that gorilla. Mario, no.

You know when they're dead and you cut off their... Mario! You can make wishes. Jesus Christ, Mario. Mario, you can't just go around saying these kind of things. No, I'm not saying you do it when they're alive. I'm saying when the... Mario! The you do it when you're alive Donkey Kong like On the track gives him that Donkey Kong

Like Good racing Donkey Kong You're doing good It's really funny if you imagine Donkey Kong As an actual ape in a car He doesn't know what's happening Or Here's an idea

The reason we don't hear Donkey Kong talk, I mean, this doesn't maybe apply to the DK, you know, like the Donkey Kong Country games, but the reason why we don't talk when he's around, like Mario is in the Mario Kart or the... The Mario Tennis or whatever. Mario Tennis or Mario Party is because he doesn't want to talk to Mario.

He's just like, no. I've got no time for you, Mario. I'm not even going to acknowledge your goddamn existence. But I'm going to come to your games and beat the shit out of you. Maybe that's what Cranky Kong is like. This is an opportunity. Yeah.

Take some back. It's really funny because there's a series of games that are kind of like lemmings called Donkey Kong vs. Mario or something. You have to get all these Mario robots. They're like Mario toys. Anyway, it's boring.

Mini Marios or whatever yeah something like that anyway much of the minis much yeah that's a ticket so oh no is it just called donkey kong v mario yeah it is yeah but then there's like three of them but anyway the plot of those games is that mario is getting these toys right and in the description they say donkey kong's jealous i think realistically donkey kong is like why are you giving toys to a man who is objectively treating him like a hero? Giving him toys? He captured my dad.

That's why he's trying to destroy the toys. Fuck you, Mario. And that's why, rather than him being a mute, I think he just chooses to not acknowledge Mario's existence. I think he'd just rather not talk to Mario. Yeah. Because Mario's a bad person. Everything is generally from Mario's perspective

Like all the games Like it's Mario Party Mario Golf It's all from his perspective So that's why If Mario is a narrator as such And he's telling all this Of course DK's not going to talk

Because either A DK doesn't talk Or He wants to maybe silence DK Maybe this is like you know Revisionist history, and we're all sort of like hearing Mario's version of events. Man, every time we do a fucking Nintendo Mario episode,

Mario comes off so bad. Every single time. It doesn't explain why he doesn't talk so much in Donkey Kong Country. Maybe he's just a quiet guy. Maybe he's shy. Exactly. He's a shy guy. Yeah.

And on the... he's just a quiet guy maybe he's a shy exactly he's a shy guy now i kind of hate mario now a little bit yeah he's a prick like even though you know wario is objectively a worse person yeah at least he doesn't pretend like he knows he doesn't pretend he's a good guy he accepts look mario's like Mario's like, I'm a champion. Mario's like, I am a hero. Mario's like, I'm going to get some gems. I'm going to fucking knock some cunts out. And then some pussy. That's Mario's fucking game. Mario's like, I'm going to save Princess Peach. Mario's like, no, I'm here to fuck.

Let's go. Where's Paulina? Yeah, where's Pauline at? I'll take Mario's sloppy seconds I don't give a shit Fucking Wario's the hero The Mushroom Kingdom deserves Imagine fucking Mario

Had to go save Princess Peach He wouldn't be doing any of this Jumping bullshit He'd just be like On his bike Just Plowing through the goombas Plowing through goombas

Arrive at the fucking DK castle Carl covered in gore From all the goombas He's running fucking DK castle Carl covered in gore from all the goombas he's running get up alright where the fuck is Peach shoot one of the

like fucking like shy guys or whatever the Koopalings go in and be like just hold a gun to Bowser's head

and be like you better get out of here alright I don't want to fuck another death okay Bowser's like oh my god

just kneecaps him? Bowsers is like, oh my god. Just kneecaps him anyway. Bang, bang. Peach is like, I'm afraid. Get on the bike, bitch. The day is saved. Now get on the bike. It's me, Wario.

Get on the bike. Get on the bike. I'm sick of this bullshit. As they drive away, Mario's like at the start of the he's like what the fuck the fuck was all this wario just comes by pushes peter out there you go there's your bottom bitch leaves i'm off that wasn't even hard and he runs up into the sunset and that's the ballad of wario picks up pauline he's now just like on the back fucking tattoos pasta prime

tattoos like an ex now like a bikey chick just like sick imagine like Bowser just limping up to Mario and Peach being like what the fuck was that we have a deal we do this weird sex game and everyone's fine I don't know what that was about

Mario had a bad day I guess I mean you I kidnap Peach you rescue her I don't know what that was about. Mario had a bad day, I guess. I mean, you... I kidnap Peach, you rescue her, and you guys get another lease on your relationship. It's fine. It's a deal.

Mario's like, I had nothing to do with this. Phenomenal. Mario could beat every single game real quick. He just played... Zelda? Yeah, whatever. He's he's like oh there's a doorway temple with a bullshit

no I'm just gonna drive my car into it he's got no time for horses and shit like what is this Ganondorf you got a shit horse let's see what you do with my car actually that's a good point when like in Ocarina of Time when Ganondorf rides out like into the castle and like Link looks at him and, the Ocarina gets thrown in the ocean kind of thing, just run him over.

Yeah. Exactly. Like, what's this bullshit king? I don't exceed your fucking authority. Shoots the king. Shoots Ganondorf. I have no kings. Nobody the boss of Wario.

Wario the boss of Wario. Wario the boss. Maybe Wario be king for once, eh? King Wario. King Warioio how about that for an idea Nah I'm just fucking with you I'm going Grab Zelda Okay goodbye Zelda's like mmm yeah take me

The idea of Wario just like going around and saving all the princesses And just dropping them at their heroes feet And being like there you go Job done it took me what, a week? Okay. What are you? Maybe if you stop fucking around for once, maybe you'll get something done. What are you doing? Riding this fucking horse?

He kind of has this what, kukuri fucking forest? Bullshit. There's bullshit that is. Playing your fucking bullshit songs. What is this? Give me that. The harmonica? That's a piece of shit. How much is this harmonica worth, eh? I put it in my bag of cello. Yeah, I trade you a guitar. Be cool.

Off he goes to the sunset. Every game. Mario's so rich. Anyway, Donkey Kong wears a tie. Donkey Kong wears a tie because that's what Cranky was wearing the day he escaped fucking Mario's reign of terror and that's a fact that is a fact

and on that note I've been Jackson Bailey I've been Joel Zammett and I've also been Joel but douche and I've also been Joel Zammett that would be really funny if you've got a better reason why you think Donkey Kong is wearing a tie

and always ready for formal and social engagements, tweet us in at SansPantsRadio or email us or write a tattoo on yourself and ship yourself here. If you think there is a game that Wario couldn't beat in 20 minutes, also tweet us. Because I think he would.

Pretty much any game. Dark Souls? Woo! Just straight through. Nah, sick. Wario, what a champ GTA 5 no whatever

he pretty much is like if Wario was in GTA 5 I wouldn't even bat an eyelid exactly he's finally home this is where he belongs

Wario looks like he produces a lot of hardcore real nasty pornography like he just has that look about him he does

like his studios shit shit right the shit on his chest good nasty pornography. Like he just has that look about him. He does. Like his studios. Shit. Shit. Right, the shit on his chest. Good. Yes. Million dollars in the bank. Oh yeah.

Walnuts, peanuts, I got the smell. Fresh melons, oranges, and coconut shell. Oh yeah. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account?

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