Plumbing the Death Star - Why Does James Bond Still Have a Job?

Episode Date: September 15, 2014

In which our heroes drink on the job, hit on anyone and yell at everyone that we’re super secret spies while wondering why James Bond still has a job. Duscher claims he could be more successful as Jerry Steven: asexual and dressed for comfort, Jackson tries to stop him every step of the way as the Nefarious Dr Yang, the racial stereotype villain who wants to fuck the moon and Zammit is one half of the engineering duo, Q & R, tasked with fixing a chaffing problem. Jerry Steven, with his signature drink of stirred glass of water, fumbles his way through Dr Yang’s poorly designed base of operations and proves while he’s not the best secret agent, Dr Yang is an even worse villain. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pants Radio, I know your aunt intimately. Have you spilled mustard on all of your shirts and need a hoodie to cover it up? Head to redbubble.com and search for Sans Pants Radio and get some of the coolest hoodies around. No one will know there's mustard underneath. Hey everyone, and welcome to another episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, why does James Bond still have a job? Why does James Bond still have a job?

All right. Recently, I've been getting into James Bond heaps. Yeah. Well, I'm not an expert. I haven't seen all the films. I've seen probably 15. That's enough. I've seen like three.

Yeah, so 15's a lot of movies. Is it like four, five maybe? Pretty much. The one where the guy has a magic hat. Odd job. All right. Yeah. He has a dumb name too. And he's shot. It's the best. James Bond. What vaughn what a film series anyway back to what i was saying um pretty much in all the films

he fucks up hugely as a spy he's not terribly competent not like thinking with his penis literally if every decision he makes either like i'm gonna look sick or i'm gonna get my fuck on yeah here's the thing it's If I was an international man of mystery and that was my profession, I'd try to basically get drunk and bone my way through my job. Yeah, but if that was your profession, like you got no integrity whatsoever.

I like to think I'd put that into almost all my jobs. But then I realised I'm a teacher. Milkman, though. Cleaning up the... slizz. As a milkman. What's your point? My point is, yeah,

Link makes terrible decisions in every film. Fuck. There's just so many, I can't even think of an example. But the point is, I think, as a 22-year-old,

20, yeah, 22 a 22 year old male, I could do a better job. You personally? Me personally. I mean, some people could probably argue that. I'm not on board. I'm going to say I'm already pretty skeptical. Okay. First of all, I won't go booking hotels under my name.

Okay, what name will you use? A fake name. Yeah, but give me one. Steve Bashimi. Oh, Mr. Bashimi, you use? A fake name. Yeah, but give me one. Steve Bashimi. Oh, Mr. Bashimi, you look nothing like your photographs. Change names around. Bashimi Steve. That's a terrible... Okay, already you're kind of doing worse than

James Bond. Jerry Steve. Jerry Stephen? Jerry Stephen. Jerry Stephen is booking into this hotel. Okay, that's... Does that mean you're getting all of your ID and everything with Jerry Stephen on the front? Yeah, is booking into this hotel. Okay, that's... Does that mean you're getting all of your, like, ID and everything with Jerry Stephen on the front? Yeah. Couldn't you have, like, a lot of it just say, I don't know, John Smith? No, that's way too obvious as a fake name.

Jerry Stephen. They're inconspicuous. Or what's Stevenson? Because it makes it sound like a last name. Because Jerry Stephen is not a last name. Jerry Stephen is just two first names. Like, if I'm, like, you know, a fucking goon of, like, some guy who wants to destroy the moon, I'm going to be like, Jerry Stephen is just two first names. Like, if I'm, like, you know, a fucking goon of, like, some guy who wants to destroy the moon, I'm going to be like, Jerry Stephen.

I might just call the... I'm not sure, but I might just call the big boss. Yeah, I might just call HR to see if there is a... Hi, Jackson. Goon 35. This is an odd question. Is Jerry Stephen a name? Oh, it isn't. Okay, no thank you. It's two first names. That's all I wanted to know.

Jerry Steven, come with me. But then I shoot him because I haven't gone. Whatever. So you're a spider infiltrate and the first thing you do is shoot the person who doesn't allow you? You're like, I'm Jerry Stephen. Caught out. Shoot the guy.

Swamped. You have not infiltrated well. You haven't infiltrated shit. You have used your license to kill Paulie. Or effectively, because you killed a dude. I heard him on the phone though. He said he was a goon. He did.

That was on Goon 35. I should have used a fake name. It happens a million times. It's just John Paul. Wait a second. He's using the same trick I am. Two first name trick. Classic.

First one in the book. So, yeah. No, well, James Bond shoots a bunch of people in public all the time, Two first name trick. Classic. First one in the book. So yeah, no, well, James Bond shoots a bunch of people in public all the time. And just because he's wearing a suit, everyone's like, well, how would you dress? Yeah. Not in a suit. What would you wear? Trackies.

No, probably. Trackies and a singlet. Nah, I was going to say probably just like jeans and a hoodie. But then I realized that like. Running in jeans you're gonna chafe like a bitch son fine there'll be special jeans made by q that are actually look like jeans but function as tracksuit pants i'm loving the idea of q coming into me like the last guy who came in i gave him like exploding pants you having a chafing problem is that have here's some fucking talcum powder it's like

do you also want an exploding pen though just solve the chafing problem leave the rest up to me just give me yourself give me slather my slather my thighs no Q would be

wrapped if I came in and asked something like that because that's another problem bond has Q this mi6 would spend so much money on Q's inventions bond fucks

every single one of them up yeah that's true he never really utilizes them single one of them up. Yeah, that's true. He never really utilises them to any effect. All of them. They all break and every time he gets a car he just crashes it into something. Oh, I reckon Q is just watching that, just weeping every time. Watching security footage like... Maybe it hit a point where Q just started putting

the reason they're fucking up is because Q's like, fuck you Bond, I'm gonna kill you. And every fucking new invention just is gonna kill Bond. Well, like, Q says a bunch of times, just like, try to bring it back in one piece. Like, he's so cute. He's taking it all.

Bond is just beating him down. I love the idea of Bond being like, I'll use my pan camera to scope out the scene. On fire. Q, what happened? I don't know, man. I don't know man I don't know maybe if you brought back you know the fifth car

I said to not crash into the lake let's like once is a mistake Bond once is a mistake but even like an exploding pen what the fuck

atoms an exploding pen what does it do what's the good of it it explodes I get that but you leave it on a guy's desk

and he picks it up and he's like click click click click golden click, click, click. Goldeneye. Yeah, Boris. I know. But the chances of that happening are very slim. Because you have to click. It's like, click it twice to arm it, click it three times

to disarm it. And also, to get it to the desk, you have to pull some sneaky pen tricks. I thought it's more like he's got nothing on him, gets his pen, clickety-click. Oh, is it like a grenade? Well, it could work like that,

but it isn't used like that. Like the guy was like, click, click, writes, and he's like, click, click, click, click, has him to think. Like a little assassin tool?

Well, that's what happens in the film. As an assassin tool, it's kind of loud. Yeah. Well, a gun is also pretty loud. Well, what do you suggest instead? Yeah. Come on, Joel Dushan. Okay, a gun is also pretty loud. But what do you suggest instead? Yeah. Come on, Joel Dushan.

No, sorry, Jerry Stephen. Jerry Stephen. I guess I've already used my gun, so I'm kind of stuck with that now. But Q's got gadgets out the wazoo. And he's so happy to get someone who's not Bond. If you're a spy, let's just pick a villain that he can infiltrate

and take down using his spy techniques. I don't know, what villain do you want to go up against? Oddjob. Oddjob? Oddjob goes from goon to, like, proper dude. No, he was, like, second in charge. He's, like, head goon. Who's our in-charge, like, mastermind that we want you to take down?

The mysterious Dr. Yang. All right, Dr. Yang. What's Dr. Yang doing? A racial stereotype. Yeah, because Bond never fights anyone that is Yang. What's Dr. Yang doing? A racial stereotype. Yeah, because Bond never fights anyone that is British. It's always foreigners. Yeah, hey, he's one.

I was about to say, no, in the new films, he fights foreigners all the time. So what does Dr. Yang, what's his MO? Explain to me. Okay, Dr. Yang, nefarious Dr. Yang. Wants to fuck the moon. Wants to fuck the moon. He's had enough of it

teasing him up there in space. So he's constructing a giant rocket that'll take him there. Yep. But it's, you know.

Okay, let's get actual Bond villainy. He wants to nuke the moon. Okay. But it'd make the rocket in the shape of a dick. Yeah. It's like a metaphysical boning.

It's a metaphor. I get that. I'm on board with that. But why does he want to blow it up? What does that achieve? It's like a dick. Yeah, so... It's like a metaphysical boning. It's a metaphor. It's a figurative boning. I get that. I'm on board with that, but why does he want to blow it up? What does that achieve? It's like a figurative boning. Diamonds are forever.

I get that, but I'm saying, what is Yang's purpose? Why is he like, I'm going to fuck that moon? Yeah. Why? Because the world will flood and then he's in charge

and he makes millions. Okay, cool. All right, there you go. Go straight there. Okay. You've already gone in. Fake name. Failed.

Shot a guy. There's probably an you go. I'll trade that. Okay. You've already gone in. Fake name. Failed. Shot a guy. There's probably an alarm ringing. Let's be honest. Shoot the alarm. All right. That alarm has, like, the lights gone off, but the sound is still blaring. Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. Okay.

Lucky I'm wearing my jean tracksuit pants. Yep. Because that'll blend in. No jean. Fancy hotel. Fancy hotel. Corporate ladder. Yeah, okay. Jeans that'll blend in No jeans Fancy hotel Fancy hotel Corporate ladder Jeans Jeans

No jeans? Like Grey We'll go grey Nice jeans So what are you wearing now? What am I wearing now? Alright

Yeah okay Hoodie and you know Connie's good? Good Yeah good No it's casual Because everyone expects Spies to be wearing suits

Not me Okay I'm just gonna Even before you give me A fake name I'm sorry sir But you even before you give me a fake name, I'm sorry, sir, but you can't come in here. You are not dressed right. It's a tale of tales.

It's funny, because I have the penthouse booked, and I don't know, can I speak to your boss? Because I don't know if he wants to offend the high roll. Oh, you have the penthouse, but let me just check out my records here. Bang. Jerry Stevens. Dad, a lot of death around poor old Jerry Steven what are you going to do when the femme fatale

shows up? she's going to try and seduce you how are you going to get out of that? pretend I'm gay that is not a bad idea also but offensive stereotype dude just he might be a tasteful gay I'm not going to be like

hello the name Jerry okay all right oh sorry you're barking up the wrong tree yeah okay what if you don't know she's a fan but what if she's the love interest I'll also be like look you're barking up so just like a blanket thing you're gonna so you just like no women I'm not even okay I'm not even gonna pretend anymore I'm just going to go so undercover, I am gay. Okay, so Dr. Yang's femme fatale comes back. Dr. Yang.

Jerry Steve. I tried my wily charms, like wriggling your boobs. I'm like, this doesn't work. He's actually gay. Okay, well, I'll get my handsome male bodyguard. Good, all right. Send him. Yeah, we send a handsome male bodyguard. Good. All right. Send him. Yeah, we send a handsome male bodyguard.

Chunk Baxter. Yeah, we throw Chunk Baxter up to try and... Chunk's plan is when he's banging you, he's going to push your head into his pecs and crush your face. Fuck yes, Chunk Baxter. He's going to fuck up my shit. Yeah. Well, now. Chunk Baxter waltzes gonna fuck up my shit. Yeah. Well now,

Chunk Baxter waltzes in, shirtless, tight black suit pants and bare feet. Like penis just outlined. Yeah. Huge. It's powerful.

It's huge. Powerful. Powerful packer. Yeah. Chunk Baxter. Chunk Baxter's power packer. Yeah. Alright, go on.

Sounds like a pro wrestler now. Sounds like something you'd buy to get in shape Well, okay, I'm in a fancy hotel I've already killed two people Yeah This is pre that This is before you go in bed

Because surely by this point They're not like alarms ringing Send out Chunk Baxter Unless Chunk Baxter is gonna Wait, you guys are letting me start again Okay, so, first of all If a giant guy comes to me No matter how handsome Let's talk about Chunk Baxter, I guess. Unless Chuck Baxter is going to Chunk Baxter. Wait, you guys are letting me start again. Yeah. Okay, so, okay. Well, first of all, if a giant guy comes to me,

no matter how handsome, I'm probably not going to let him in because I'm a spy. No, he sees you at a coffee house, maybe whatever. I'm at a coffee house. I'm on the job. I don't know. Where does fucking James Bond meet all his... You're at a bar. Bond goes to a bar.

Bond goes to all bars all the time. No, but that's the problem about Bond. He just wants to fuck everyone. Yeah. I don't want to fuck anyone. So you're not going to go to a bar Bond goes to all bars all the time no but that's the problem about Bond he just wants to fuck everyone I don't want to fuck anyone so you're not going to go to a bar

I might if I'm thirsty but I'm not going to fuck anyone so you go to a bar you order what do you order what do you drink

what are you drinking that's important what do you have glass of water please glass of water is that your signature drink your signature drink glass of water

alright it's a glass of water alright stirred stirred glass of water. Alright, it's a glass of water. Stirred. Stirred glass of water. Chunk Baxter comes in. He's like, let me buy you a drink. I'm like, I'll have what he's having.

Hands you a glass of water, Chunk Baxter. Mmm. Mmm. Alright. He starts getting flirty. Yeah. Well, I won't be drunk because I'm drinking stirred water. It doesn't matter. He's still getting flirty.

I said I was undercover as gay, which means that I'm still straight, which means that I just rejected them. And then he gets weirded out. We're like, man, this guy, he doesn't like guys. Why didn't you just say you were asexual? That seems so much easier. Poor Dr. Yang, he sent out the femme fatale. He's like, I get nothing else.

No, no, no, that's good. I've confused the enemy. If I was the enemy, I'd be annoyed. Just be like, well, what the hell does he want? I can't bribe him with women. I can't bribe him with men. Send out a cute dog. I'll be like, no, sorry, allergies.

Okay, so he's handled that. I just realised the goal I'm just gonna keep Rejecting gifts And requests From Obviously So Dr. Yang just gives up

He's just like I don't You know what Don't worry about it Frankly I'm still gonna I'm still gonna go Fuck the moon

But I'm Stuff No just Just like He'll just be so frustrated That he'll Forget about the moon And just wanna take me down.

And while he does that, sneak into the base, blow up the rocket, I guess, and then chop off. Do you know how to blow up a rocket? Bombs. Also, you just... Yeah, you just light the fucking fuse, right? You just skip that whole sneak into the thing. Yeah, just sneak in.

You good acrobat? You good ninja skills? Only way in is through a hot vent. Yeah. What next? Hey Q, it's Jerry. Yeah, Jerry. What's up?

Hey Jerry Steven. Hey Jerry Steven. Have I ever told you your name, Sock? Yeah, all the time, Q. But your name's a letter, so shut the fuck up. Yeah, we had a motif, Jerry. M, Q, and you came around jerry steven fucking it up for all of us names couldn't have gone with like hey i'm js wise in this universe

q is twins and i like that because both me and sam are being q two q's double q yeah Two Qs. Double Q. Yeah. Whoa. I'll be R. You can be Q, I'll be R. Okay. Okay. Yeah. So I'll call you guys up. I'll be like, hey, all right. How are you?

Good. I've confused Dr. Yang so much. He's at my hotel now trying to think of a way to seduce me. I see. Turns out pretending to be asexual worked a treat. Oh, well, that's great. How is that salve for your pants? To stop the chafing.

The chafing's gone around, gone down. I'm glad. I'm pleased. I can run freely again. Good. Anyway, so I'm at the base, pretty much. Solid. Like, right at the front door?

Nah. Oh, wow, how'd you get in? Hiding to the side in the bushes because standing next to a building and on the phone is ridiculous. Well, well done. I honestly thought you wouldn't think of that, but good.

I didn't think you'd make it this far, frankly. All right, next to the bushes. Impressed? What's your name? I dropped it. Yang's not there because I just keep getting calls from the hotel asking where I am

because a man just keeps bringing men and women and small animals to me. All right. Yeah, okay. Well, how can we help you? We're busy, man. I'm looking at the site. There's a hot vent. I was just wondering if... A hot vent. Alright, yeah, okay, well how can we help you? We're busy, man. I'm looking at the site, there's a hot vent. I was just wondering if...

A hot vent. Oh, fuck, I just realised that I'm at the base already and I need equipment. And we can't really send you, can we? Because we're in Britain, you fucking idiots. You wanna come back to us? For start again? Like, what do you need first? Maybe we can build it, and then when you get here

I pretty much just need a cool suit. Cool suit? Towels? Towels? Get towels from the hotel. Not good. Not good. That's good.

Q, over the phone, can talk me through how to make a suit out of towels. Just slide straight through that hot vent. Hey, Q, I think that's going to burn him. Yeah, I think that's going to burn him. How hot a vent? How hot? We're talking real hot? Like steam's going to burn him. How hot a vent? How hot? We're talking real hot, like steam? Because steam's hot.

Just a warm vent? Just like lukewarm, like a nice little sauna. Like a cup of tea you've left out for a bit? Yeah, so not really hot. Why are you calling us then? Just go in there, do your job. Fuck off. Christ almighty.

Oh my god. Beep. Hang up. Hang up on you, because we're frustrated. You burned to death in the extremely hot vent. Nah, because I just said it's lukewarm, which means I've checked it. Yeah. I probably just crawl through. Climb through

on the other side, 20 dudes. Gun. Pew pew pew pew pew pew pew. Well, you crack shot and all of a sudden in like the time we don't see you between episodes of climbing the Death Star, are you practicing your gun skills? Well, if I'm a secret agent If I'm a secret agent

I am practicing my gun skills, yes And I got a license to kill, as previously stated So what, are you just going out, like, practicing in orphanages, just like, bang, bang, bang, bang? No, shooting ranges, probably Alright, yeah Maybe stray cats Needs a moving target

Okay, fine, grenade probably. Alright. Maybe stray cats. Needs a moving target. Okay, fine. Grenade. Boom. Cleared. They weren't expecting an attack from the hot vent. That's true. I don't know why

it's now a lukewarm vent but alright. Alarms are going off at this point. Especially since the bomb has gone off. Like a grenade.

Fire. There'd be like water going down and shit. You set up a fire alarm for bomb has gone off. Like a grenade. Fire. There'd be like water going down and shit. You set up a fire alarm for sure. That's alright. Fire alarm. Fire alarm. Fire alarm, people are like...

Oh no, yeah. Nah, fuck. Fire alarm, people are evacuating the building. That was unintentional though. Giving you that. I'm giving you that. Don't think you can get away with pretending that was intentional. Yeah, I'm giving you that though.

So everyone's evacuating. I just stroll in, disarm the rocket. Oh, what's that? Stroll in. Disarm the rocket. Where'd you learn to disarm Dr. Yang's rocket? Is it behind a computer? Is it passcode you're doing?

Luckily, I'm at a computer. Dr. Yang made it a complex acrobatic puzzle to disarm the rocket. No, it's a... Oh, you're Dr. Yang. I have to agree. I am Dr. Yang. So the fire alarm's going off.

There's acrobatic puzzle. It's a series of steps and hoops. That sounds pretty easy. Well... So I step on the steps and climb through the hoops. The rocket's disarmed. Fuck. Fuck.

And then... it was like a kids jungle gym yes Dr. Yang didn't think ahead I guess he spent all his

money training on hunks and femme fatales chunk chunk Baxter was that his name yeah

chunk Baxter comes at quite a price so I've completed the mission I just walk out the front door pretend I'm evacuating with everyone else and then the mission I just walk out the front door pretend I'm evacuating with everyone else

and then and then I just chuff off into the bushes go home job well done but how would James Bond approach the same situation? probably fuck the femme fatale

and hopefully fuck Chunk Baxter nah Chunk Baxter wouldn't have been involved Chunk Baxter would have just been like the head goon clocking dudes with his backs I feel Chunk Baxter would't have been involved. Chunk Baxter would have just been like... The head goon? The clocking dudes with his backs. I feel Chunk Baxter would have been hired as a goon then.

Yeah, he would. Bond would have got into a fist fight with Chunk Baxter. Chunk would have fucking annihilated him. Yeah, but Bond would have got to the end and then Bond would have just pulled out his gun and shot him. Because that's how Bond rolls. That is how Bond rolls. That's true.

Yeah, it's pretty sick. How does Bond approach the hot vent? He probably had... He would have had something from Q. He would have not had. Probably some sort of

watch that made sort of like, you know, the ice freeze. Or he would have had like a laser watch and just cut a door in the side of the...

Also, the fact that it's not really a hot vent, it's just as Dusha pointed out, just lukewarm. It's lukewarm, not even steam. It's basically not a problem.

It was uncomfortable for me. I got lukewarm, not even steamed. It's basically not a problem. It was uncomfortable for me. I got a bit sweaty on the passage through. I think what we've established is I'm not a great spy, but you're an even worse villain. I didn't think of many good traps. And my plan, I don't even know what it was. For a villain who's like, I want to fuck the moon, you've got no time for setting traps.

No, I am busy hiring vamp fatales. And hunk fatales. At the end of the day, James Bond comes back and everyone's like, James Bond, aplomb. You come back, everyone's like... Anyone could have done that. Money Penny could have done that. Money Penny cries.

That's so mean. She's right there. Q&R, like, we just didn't even do anything. He called us at some point. We weren't listening. Didn't get us to make anything. We gave you dumb pants. I mean, it's just all I have to do.

A salve. We've given him a salve. We gave him a salve and pants. I'm a fucking tailor. I have an engineering degree. I have so many... Do you have that amount of pens that do various things that we have? A laser pen, a blow-up pen, and this guy wants pants. And it worked. Do you have an amount of pens that do various things That we have A blow up pen

And this guy wants pants And it worked And then I get a promotion and I am the new M Oh no And then we need you higher Doctor, yeah Well, that went surprisingly well for me Yeah, I was not expecting you to come out of that okay

Yeah Like it started off bad. But then we restarted because you decided to be like, no, let's take it back. Well, because you couldn't have gotten femme fatale otherwise. Because you already shot three guys the moment you arrived. I think James Bond really needs to, A,

stop drinking on the job. Yeah. B, stop banging on the job. And that's about it. C, don't worry about Q See Don't worry about Q Don't worry about Q Q Not helpful Hot towels

Hot towels guys Cold towels Cold towels and a bit of self Yeah You'll be right So yeah Don't drink on the job Don't bang on the job

Seriously James Just put your shit together Yeah So I've been Jerry Stevens Secret agent Extraordinaire I've been the Nefarious Dr. Yang so I've been Jerry Stevens, secret agent extraordinaire. I've been the nefarious

Dr. Yang. And I've been R. John Lucia, too good a secret agent for me. Successful man of mystery. Emphasis on the mystery. Like, it's a mystery that he still has a job. Just like James Bond.

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