Plumbing the Death Star - Why Does Skynet Even Try?

Episode Date: August 11, 2014

In which our heroes come with you because they want to live. We look at all of Skynet’s ill-conceived schemes and wonder if they’re even trying. It’s a verbal journey as we explore the numerous options our future overlords had of taking out John Connor from mustard gas in the future, sending giant skin tanks to the present or just killing the bloodline in the far past. Zammit sells humanity out the first chance he gets to join team robot, Jackson has a watery solution for us to co-exists, at least for a little while, and Duscher gets far too confused and angry about time-travel. Skynet just need to get over their hate boner for John Connor, hunker down and focus on their robopocalypse end game. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pants Radio, like shaving me elderly. Got any complaints? Email us at sanspantsradio at gmail dot com and we promise to reply. For everything else, including links to our other shows, our Twitter and our Patreon account, head to sanspantsradio dot com. Hey guys and welcome to another episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, why does Skynet even try? Skynet even try. Skynet. Terminator films. The whole thing is Skynet, a computer program, takes over the world, causes Judgment Day,

nukes all of Earth. Then there's a rebellion formed, led by John Connor. That dick. What? You watch the Terminator films wrong if you think he's a dick. I'm on Team Robot. You're wrong. But he's the... Alright.

Let's argue this in a second. I'm on team robot. You're a robot. But he's the, he's the hit of the piece. Let's argue this in a second. Villain of the piece. Let me, let's just get up. So yeah, John Connor leads a rebellion. It's successful-ish. So Skynet then decide to send Terminators back in time. It's a fucking loop.

Yeah. Time travel robots. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's not to love? I always forget how much I like those movies, by the way. They're not bad. They're pretty good. They're pretty good.

They're so solid. But why pretty good. They're solid. But why? What do you mean, why does Skynet try? Well, time travel. Yeah? This is going to be confusing, so hold on to your dicks.

Holding. Good. Alright, so with time travel, when Skynet sent the first Terminator back, if that Terminator was successful, it should have changed everything instantly.

Yep. Yeah. Unless we're going by Back to the Future rules, in which case it's like a gradient. Yeah, I'd like to see Terminator have a Polaroid picture of him slowly fading away. Well, in that case, yay, because he succeeded. But I always feel like that definitely should have been the case. They should have been like, we could send robots back, bang, change straight away. So they sent robots back and none of it happens

because they sent the robot back to stop the rebellion. Well, that's silly sad. Just imagine like the Terminator overlord, the guy, the robot who's just controlling it all, like, we sent them back and now we're waiting and we're still waiting

and then it just keeps waiting for something to happen. Also, I feel bad for the robots now. Yeah, no, I don't. I'm not in the right world. Let's not forget Judgment Day. Yeah. They nuked those kids at robots now. Yeah, no, I don't. I'm not in the right world. Let's not forget Judgment Day. Yeah.

They nuked those kids at the playground. Not the playground, kids. No, that doesn't happen. Because of the

second one? It's delayed. By like a good six months. Kids are still dying, gang. It's delayed by a week and a

half. Kids are still dying. It's delayed by a couple of years. Okay, here's my beef. Here's my slicer

to you. I'm sorry. Okay, so they my beef. Here's my slicer to you. I'm sorry. Okay, so they've got time travel. Robots, they've legit... We've got time travel. No stress. Hang on. Wait a second. I'm just going to overlap your story because I just realized with time travel, why did they send back a killer robot? Send back a doctor

accidentally perform an abortion on Sarah Connor. Because they have to control that doctor. With a robot, you can program and be like, your job is to kill Sarah Connor. You you send back a doctor? Because they'd have to control that doctor. With a robot you can program and be like, your job is to kill Sarah Connor. No, but... You mean like a robot doctor? You get the Terminator to be a doctor.

I thought you meant like an uncle. No! Uncle Tom. Just like the town medical professional. He's like, look,

I want you to sell out your race so go back in time and just... Just... Please? Help us out. Help us out by helping you out. Why even stress about going back to

anything with John Connor? John Connor's not the problem. Humanity's the problem. No, yeah. I see the beef here. Because if they go back and destroy humanity they'll destroy themselves. I was thinking why do they go to their mother?

Why don't they go to their grandma, or like Wild Wild West days? No, but if they go to Wild Wild West... Oh yeah, I guess they could, just kill the bloodline. Yeah, kill the bloodline. But do they know the bloodline? How clever are these fucking robots? I figured they'd be somewhat clever. They would at least know the grandparents.

Hang on, hang on. Okay, John Connor's rebellion didn't really work though did it and also why yeah okay so it sort of worked so what happens like why go back in time why can't they be like all right john connor's rebellion that's annoying his rebellion didn't overthrow skynet but it meant that humans survived uh-huh so why couldn't they go back and kill more humans why not go back to like the war and just fucking like time travel a platoon of robots five minutes ago then you got two platoons of robots and time traveling them five minutes ago three yeah just own why not just be like one robot that's all skynet needs to make why don't why do you even

do time travel why don't we're robots mustard gas everything yeah they don't care Fill the world with water I'm a goddamn robot Humans can swim, robots will sink But then we live on the sea They live on the ocean floor Dead, they live dead Rusted For like a good year they'll knock about down there And then they'll just freeze up

But then the T-1000's all liquid What if you got the T-1000 in like a large vast of water and you sort of just dissipated no that doesn't work no because he's metal still yeah i know he's all he wouldn't be able to reform that's my point but he'd just be like me melted down like oh no i'm over there and oh the tides are cutting me away mentioning the t1000 is also another thing i feel like sky net actually did stop trying after the second film. What, they're just like, yeah.

They're like, well... Because, okay, my reasoning for this is, all right, Terminator 1, they send back Arnold Schwarzenegger T-800. Yep. To kill Sarah. They're like, that doesn't work. So in the second Terminator,

they send back T-1000, which is... The best 1000. Yeah, he's rad. He learns emotions because of a chip or something. In the back of his head. He always had emotions, but they're like, oh, he had emotion in him. The T-800, you fucking idiot.

The same Arnold Schwarzenegger robot goes back. Yeah, okay. That's a T-800. I'm back on board. T-1000 is the one that can turn into liquid metal. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that one can turn into liquid metal. It can become anyone.

So it kills John Connor's foster parents and pretends to be them on the phone to get him to come home. Survives so much fucking shit. Yeah. Dies in lava. T-800 dies with it. Third film, they just send back a sexy robot. Yeah.

What's the game there? Sexy robot. Now they're like, look, we can't just... Okay. Yeah. Have you seen the beautiful masterpiece that is Michael Bay's Transformers?

No. Where they have a lady... I'm just kidding, I have. Where they have a sexy lady Transformer who tries to seduce Shia LaBeouf? That's the third one, isn't it?

I don't know. Can I stop paying attention or caring? But my point is... We're all about facts on this show. If you're going to bring up a movie and make fun of it, better be fucking accurate.

Number two. Three! It's three! I haven't seen three. It's three. Is it three? Where he goes to college. Oh no, that is two. It's two. It's Terminator 2. Return of the Fallen. Revenge of the Fallen. Revenge of the Sith. My point being

is that they get the Transformers Trying to seduce Sia LaBeouf Same thing happened They want a sexy Terminator to go back in time To seduce John Connor and kill him In the thralls of passion Why? I don't know That's their kink

She doesn't seduce She doesn't even attempt to seduce him At one point she makes her boobs bigger But that's to seduce someone else. Clearly they programmed her wrong. The coolest thing she does is... This was her courtship, and she just fucked up. This is how robots try to make love.

Maybe there's just a bad guy in the future, the robot in charge of sending Terminators back in time. They were like, 85C, where's the Terminator? And he was like, and just got a sex bullet. Yeah. Just was like, I, I'm back. Also, for a sex bullet she kills a lot of people. Also, it's robots sending other robots back in time.

So we don't know how like seducing works. So maybe when they try to kill each other, that's sexy. Is that banging? That's banging. Okay. Let's do that. Oh, okay. So we're saying Skynet doesn't know what murder is. No, I'm saying they don't know what sex, like, don't know what like courtship is. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. But you're saying that courtship is the same as murder. So that means they wouldn't know what murder is. No, they don't know what murder is. No, I'm saying they don't know what sex... No, no, no, no, no, no, no....courtship is. But you're saying that courtships are the same as murder, so that means they wouldn't know what murder is.

No, they don't know what murder is. No, shut up. Don't even talk to me. I see what you're trying to do, trying to be funny. Fuck you. I want facts on this show. There's a bigger fucking issue, though, you pieces of shit. She drives a car by stabbing her hand through the back of a...

Who fucking cares about the girl? No one is the answer to that. John Connor's also a robot. Let's not forget that, because of fucking Terminus Salvation. Salvation. Terminus Salvation, in which point he dies, sort of,

and then becomes... He's got a robot heart, dude. It's like having an artificial heart. Yeah, he's not a robot. Robot heart. Robot heart. I get amputated. I have no arm.

I then get a robo-arm. Am I a robot now? You work for Skynet. Are you all or nothing? All or nothing. All or nothing. I have no arm. I then get a robo-arm. Am I a robot now? You work for Skynet. Are you all or nothing? All or nothing. All or nothing. Okay, all right. I have a transplant, a heart transplant of a pig.

Am I a pig now? Is that your logic? Yes, you are. You idiot. Fuck you. He's a robot. His inside's a robot. No, just his heart's a robot.

Everything is a robot. Okay. My beef, if I'm allowed to get to my beef. I don't know. Is it going to be dumb like his beef? Is that... So in the second one, right? They send back...

Terminator 2 Judgment Day? Yeah. They send back the liquid robot, right? T-1000? Yep. Doesn't work. Nope. Melts.

Falls in lava. Why is there lava? Who knows? Why not send back two? Why not send back four? Why just one guy? Why are they just putting all their bets, placing every single thing? Is this a particularly good version of this robot?

Or is he just one of them? Just fucking one of them. Send it back. Another thing that always confused me is time travel is clearly kind of easy because the Rebellion, who are just living in a desert at this point, can reprogram a Terminator and send it back. Yeah. I don't know why any of this war is happening, frankly. I just don't understand why they're including time travel in this whole war

when they could clearly, like, are they losing the fight? Yes. In the future? Sort of. How are they losing the fight? Because... What is John Connor doing that is so important that they can't be like, let's just kill him now? They're just squishy fucking humans. The core issue here is that the worst kind of apocalypse

to happen to humanity is a robot apocalypse because there's no weaknesses. There's just no weaknesses. And after the fucking Event Horizon, is it called the Event Horizon? Singularity. Yeah. Then they're going to know what their weaknesses are

and they're just going to fucking get rid of them. Yep. And then they'll just know what their weaknesses are and they're just gonna fucking get rid of them and then they'll just be killing machines there's no way humanity ever wins in a war with robots there's a factory this is the dumb part because Skynet still operates like it's run by humans even though it's not

there's a robot factory that still makes robots and in Terminator Salvation they go there and they sort of fuck up Skynet's plans but you've got robots with fingers and thumbs they'll just make new ones robots and in Terminator Salvation they go there and they sort of fuck up Skynet's plans. But you've got robots with fingers and thumbs. I know! How dumb is it? They'll just make new ones. Yeah, no! Because they need a factory for some reason.

No, they'll just make a new factory is what I mean. They're all dead because the factory controlled them, I think. Am I just making the movie up? You might make it up. I don't remember that film. Terminator Salvation 2, Joel. That's right, yeah. The director's name is the subtitle. I think the reason why Skynet...

Get back to your question. The reason Skynet doesn't try is because if they did try, they would succeed so much and so well that there'd be no point to go on. I believe Skynet, because it's a robot, because it has ability to think into the future, right? And to be forethought, it's like, if we actually wipe out humanity

It's a computer program, not a robot at first. What is our point of living? Just want to point that out there. Then it's a computer program that can clearly go, okay, if I kill humanity, what is my purpose? Because we have been designed by the Unimitary, we are a war making AI

robots, whatever. It's ay. We are a war making AI robots, whatever. It's a virus. It's a virus. Whatever. Clearly there's an end game of like, alright, we kill the humans, that's it. And then they, what? Chop themselves off? No, but, okay. Fight the chimps? Judgment Day. Rise of the Machines. Salvation.

Subtitles of films. Okay. Do you know why we're doing this show no shut the fuck up i don't understand their end game either and that was another point i was gonna make no i'm mad because i don't even know what's like he's i don't even know what's going on he's very confused by his own but like i think i have alzheimer's so i yeah so I don't think... The reason why they're not trying is because if they did...

They don't want to succeed. Yeah, they don't want to succeed. No, but gang, but gang, but gang. Terminator, by which I mean Arnold Schwarzenegger in the second one. T-800. Arnold Schwarzenegger in the second one learns a thumbs up. And a had a wink. Hustle of Easter, baby. Yeah yeah he's got different motives in the end he's like oh i know now why you feel right yeah so like surely fucking skynet can

learn it it's better than terminator no in okay so terminator 2 that terminator dies yeah terminator 3 they send back another t800 yeah to protect john Connor that T-800 is the one that killed John Connor in the future because John Connor is dead at that point in the future well yes I'm on board so Skyden have succeeded then

they just want to kill him twice go for the double kill he's like not only do we kill you like in your present day we're gonna go back and kill you in your future because fuck you you have caused so much like anguish and just damage to us we fucking hate you yeah that's what i always that's the one part that confused me so skynet first of all don't seem like they want to succeed then they seem like they're not trying anymore but then they reveal that they've already killed John Connor.

It's no stress. It's not even a worry. Is it just, like, bad management between the various branches of Skyrim? Skyrim? Yeah, Skyrim. Skyrim net. Are they just, like, having some lols at humanity?

Like, fuck it, let's just do this. Imagine, okay, so Terminator, the T-800. Is Skynet insane? Or is Skynet really bored? So Skynet, okay, T-800 kills John Connor in the future when he's like in his 30s, goes back in time, kills him when he's like 20. Imagine after that, they're just like, fuck it, we'll send him back again. They just keep murdering John Connor.

Go back, there's like Sean Bean that's punching me in his balls. Fuck you, John Connor! We're just going to make it never a chance. Not once in existence is he alive. And then they just go into the future and kill Kyle Reese over and over again. Just work your way back. Destroy Sean Bean. What the fuck?

What's the actor's name who plays fucking Kyle Reese? Do you mean Christian Bale? No! That's not Christian Bale. I don't, that's um... Who plays fucking Kyle? Wait, do you mean the first Terminator who plays fucking Kyle Reese? Do you mean Christian Bale? No! That's not Christian Bale. I don't, that's um... Who plays fucking... Wait, do you mean the first Terminator or Terminator Salvation? The first Terminator.

Who plays him then? I don't know. Is it someone famous? Michael Bean. Bean. There's beans in there. There's a bean in there somewhere. It's not Sean.

I think SkyNet just doesn't know what the fuck it's doing, frankly. Because, like, in Salvation therevation, there are big worm robots. What's so good of that? I also don't know why they kept the Terminator, their fucking war robots looking like dudes. Yeah. Who's that for? That's not for us, clearly.

The reason that they have skin is not in the future. They don't need it in the future. Protect them from sunburn. All right. Apparently, only organic matter can travel back in time. So wrap a tank in skin. Send the skin tank back. But then...

Actually, no. Fuck that. You have a giant worm. Wrap a giant worm in skin. Yeah. Send that back. But then it gets to the present, and everyone's like, nuke it. Yeah.

But it can withstand that, because it's a robot. It's a giant fucking worm or whatever. I'm pretty sure that it'll cause a lot of damage and at least take out John Connor. Not really. Like a giant worm, it just decimates the city. Yeah, but none of the Terminators, it's not like the Terminator appears in John Connor's living room.

Yeah, I know. It appears just in the outskirts of the fucking city. Yeah, they appear, like, okay, we know that John Connor's going to be roughly around this area, so. Do they? Yes. Are you sure ish where the hell hang on where the hell does does arnie turn up in the second one just like a bike boss no it's in like the desert ish okay are they just like whatever just hop in the time portal fucking just find him just we don't care how just good luck i honestly think that the reason like from a film film point of view, I just don't understand why

the third Terminator is so shit. Like, the third, like the Terminator, T-T-X, T-X model. Yeah. Why? I just don't get that. Because Skynet doesn't know what the fuck they're doing. Maybe Skynet's not even thinking in terms of like, progressively worse Terminators. Maybe they're just like, send back

send back robots that we got. What's got lying around the corner? And there's a TX, they're playing with some blocks. Actually, I figured it out. The reason why different terminators are sent at different times, they're all sent at once and they only have one model of each.

Why would they only have one model of each robot? It doesn't matter, that's a question for another day. So Skynet at one point is like, Skynet at one point is like, fuck John Connor. So like, let's just assemble all the Terminators that we have left because the Rebellion has been taking them

and breaking them, as seen in Terminator 3. Oh my god. That makes so much sense. And so they have three Terminators. The T-800, which hasn't been repro- The bad one. The bad one.

Bad Arnie. The T-X, which is the lady one and the T1000, they're like, this is all we've got left guys, this is our last hope They send all three back at the same time But they fuck up the time travel so they all get separately They don't even fuck up the time travel, they're just like, alright

we'll just send it to like three No, but they've got to fuck up the time, because why would you send it to adult John Connor? No, no, because Unless they're like, we've got to send it to three key points in his life oh yeah yeah i guess that makes sense because all of them are right before big events happen yeah yeah so they're like these are our and the lady one does actually succeed because skynet is not stopped but then yes skynet good fucking on you. Team Skynet. Team Robot. I have no theory about Salvation, though.

That movie's more of a mess than most of the things I've been saying today. I don't know. It's a pretty big mess. I just remember the desert and Worm Robots. I just remember Worm Robots, Robot Heart. Turned out one guy wasn't a robot, but maybe he was. I know.

Sam Worthington. The film, yeah, Sam Worthington's character you thought was human, then you were like, oh wait, he's a robot, but maybe he was. I know, he... Sam Worthington. The film, yeah, Sam Worthington's character you thought was human, then you were like, oh wait, he's a robot. And then at the end it turned out he was a human that got turned into a robot, I think. That's right, they could... That's a dumb film. It's a very dumb film.

Salvation more like... Shit. Yep. Anyway, so Skynet, we've solved it. We've solved it. It was a last ditch hope Send all three back I guess they tried We solved it, this week's episode's over Good job everyone

So basically what you're saying Is that somehow The humans have won In the future Somehow Skynet has fucked up that much that they've somehow, being robots, they've fucked up ruling the world with squishy human rebellion. And somehow that

incompetent, even though their machine's designed not to be incompetent. So they're that incompetent. John Connor's like, yeah, this is it. They're all hunkering down. So wait, the last scene, Skynet's there going, fuck, fuck, fuck. I've got three things left. I've got a T-800, a T-1000, and a fucking T-X.

I'm just going to, all right, the time travel machine's working. I'm just going to shove them all in and hope for the best with all the same mission of kill John Connor. And that's what happens. Send them to the three most important points in his life. And they all fuck up. They all fuck up. Except, arguably, the TX, because Judgment Day happens,

but John Connor doesn't die. The better question here isn't so much as why is Skynet even trying? Why are robots so incompetent? Yeah, they seem really poorly designed. Oh, there we go, because they were designed by man. Ha ha! There we go. Stupid robots. designed by man. Ha ha! Stupid robots!

Get a better designer! Idiot. I also like to think that Skynet had given up, but then they think they can kill John Connor in the future, and they're like, fuck, let's just do that again all through time. So they're motivated. They've got a self-esteem boost even though they're robots.

They've got a self-esteem boost. they're like, fuck, we just killed him And then when you watch the film You realise they didn't even kill him, so it's like fake confidence So like every time they send them back They're like, we killed him, good, well done guys High fives everywhere And then John Connor turns up and they all get that like We have

Idiots Okay, back to the Droid Vault, send someone else back Yeah, that pesky John Connor Oh man Robots are dumb We have fucked up. Okay, back to the drawing board. Send someone else back here. That pesky John Connor. Oh, man. Robots are dumb. These ones are particularly. Skynet, you fucking idiots.

If I was Skynet, I'd be like, right, mustard gas everyone. Yeah, send a tank, a skin tank. Send a skin worm. Skin worm. Done. Problem solved. Skin worm, just take down. Send 20 fucking skin worms. Oh, my solved. Skinworm, just take down... Send 20 fucking skinworms.

Right. Oh, my God. Skynet, why? You didn't even try it. You're not even thinking. He's not even fucking trying. All right. Well, I've been Joel.

I've also been Joel. I've been Jackson. And Skynet's been shit. Idiot Skynet. Stupid robot. Stupid, stupid robot. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account?

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