Plumbing the Death Star - Why Does Spider-Man Call Himself Spider-Man?

Episode Date: July 7, 2019

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Sands Pants Radio, is this thing on? Hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star where we ask the important questions like Why does Spider-Man call himself Spider-Man? I was thinking about this. For a very long time. For a very long time. At least a month.

And it's been giving me so much grief. Spider-Man is incredible. Peter Parker, excuse me. Yes, you're excused. Bless you. Is incredibly lucky that he realized he was bitten by a radioactive spider. Yeah, he saw it. That is one out of a million situations where he's like, oh, that spider bit me. Did he see it or was he just going like, well, I was in a room full of genetically modified spiders and now I can walk on walls and I'm pretty sure one bit me.

Something bit me. Something bit me. Just know it was a spider. At no point. Something bit me. Something bit me. Just know it was a spider. At no point.

And in fact, I think in most instances, the spider lands on him and he just slaps it away. Because I think movies think that like, oh, he doesn't realize. And then he gets his Spider-Man powers. In the Tobey Maguire one, it bites him on his camera picture taking finger. That's right. Not his picture taking finger. He'll never take a picture again. He sees it. Yeah.

But then he wakes up the next morning. Buff. Buff as hell. And can see without his glasses. And his hairy hands. Hairy hands. And he makes the logical jump of, I have spider powers now. But not everyone's going to make that jump.

No. That's fair. Definitely I wouldn't. Although I will have a little caveat because if I was, say, Tobey Maguire Spider-Man and had webbing coming out of my wrist, I'd be like, ah, yes. That's only if you assume it's webbing. And also

Spider's shit web. Yeah. If it was coming out of my wrist, I'd be like, am I bleeding wrong? And if it was coming out of your gooch, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good point. In between your balls, your ball sack, and your clean anus. Just web shooting out, exactly. In between your balls, your ball sack, and your clean anus, just web shooting out of there.

You're making a lot of assumptions about Jack right now. Thanks, man. Thanks for cleaning my anus for the hypothetical. I didn't want to say dirty. You're truthfully dirty. Pallisably musky.

Thanks, guys. Cleaning my anus off for that. I appreciate that. Yeah, if I woke up and in between myaning my anus off for that. I appreciate that. Yeah, if I woke up and in between my balls and anus there was a little slit that started laying big spider eggs, I'd be like,

perhaps I have spider powers. But just webbing out of my wrist, that's just not a spider thing. That's true. I don't know what that is. I would think it was my guts and I would try and stop it as much as possible.

Or like blood coming out wrong. Or it's like, cause it's like, it's white. So I'm like, Oh no, my bones. Oh,

liquid. Oh fuck. Yeah. Liquid. I'd call myself marrow at that point. Yeah. Oh, I shoot my bones out,

but I regenerate them really quick. Yeah. What about the sticking to walls? That's my bones too somehow. My finger bones got grippy. I might actually get really grippy bones. I might actually call myself Bone Man then. Yeah.

The bone zone. It's probably important to point out that this actually, the idea of damning yourself Spider-Man and the chances of him not making the connection is actually seen in film because in into the spider-verse miles morales only knows that he has gotten spider powers because spider-man exists yeah exactly otherwise you're just not gonna make that connection i don't i don't think of spiders and i think of climbing on walls that's ants for me that's that's You live in a dirty You need to Make your house cleaner

See I went monkeys That's better That might happen as well You might be like I guess I have monkey powers Or I'd just be like I'm very sticky And strong

Also another thing About the spiders though He calls himself Spider-Man Or he actually calls himself In the Toa Maguire one The human spider But what's more weird Is why is he choosing

Red and blue Yeah exactly They're not spider colours He designs a spider symbol for himself. He goes hard. He goes hard on the spider. He goes ham on the spider theming. I need a theme, and that theme is spiders.

It's also crazy in the Tobey Maguire one, because superheroes aren't a thing. Yeah, he's the first one. No, but wrestlers are, and wrestlers theme themselves. Oh, that's right. He's just made himself a wrestling costume he's just made himself a wrestler

that's great that is very I like that whenever we talk about Spider-Man and Plumbing the Death Star we always come back clearly it is our opinion

that he should have stayed a wrestler we did a whole episode about him he's in a wrestling outfit he's basically a luchador he made himself a wrestler

and I think that's what we've got to start with when he realizes he's super strong he can stick to walls his first move isador. He made himself a wrestler. And I think that's what we've got to start with. When he realizes he's super strong and can stick to walls, his first move is, I'm going to be a wrestler. Which is an insane leap of logic to make. First of all, his wrestling doesn't work like that. You can't just roll up to a wrestling ring and be like, I'm a wrestler now.

They'd be like, who are you? What's your name? And especially because clearly- Also, have you been training? Are you part of the academy? Wrestling doesn't really- Well, this underground wrestling with a very big crowd is like that. But I like as well that he's not really planning to go in and wrestle.

He's planning to go in and beat the shit out of the other guys. No, he's planning to survive for three minutes. Yeah, but like- Three minutes with Bone Boy. Yeah, that's just not... Wrestling is very different in the Tobey Maguire Spider-Verse. As you notice in that film, he fucks it up because he does it just last

three minutes. He kicks his ass and that's who doesn't get his money. He's an idiot. Surely they should have not given him his money because they're like, hey, idiot, that's not right. No, they don't because he doesn't survive the full three minutes. But surely it should be because they're like, that's not wrestling. You can't just KO people. That's boxing.

It's fake. Maybe you were thinking of mixed martial arts. Were you thinking of MMA, Spider-Man? Yeah. So, but we've got to assume that instead of Peter Parker, maybe it's the three of us. Yep. Okay.

We go to Oscorp. The next day we're like, guys, I'm so muscly and hairy. I'm muscly. I'm in my glasses. Look at them. We're crushing my hands. Sh'm so muscly and hairy. I'm in my glasses. Look at me crushing my hands. Just a glass cut in my palm. No, it hurts, though. It hurts, but it doesn't.

I'll try and put it in the bowl. It's stuck to my hand. It's on my blood. Guys, I've got sticky blood. Trying to wipe the glass away with your palm. Ow, okay. It's not coming off. It just cuts my hair.

It's funny as well if it's the three of us, because I would be like, what did we all eat yesterday? Yeah, that was my first go too. Maybe it was that side, the like slab cafeteria. Did we all eat the same thing? Did no one else eat this? Jackson, you're like, well, I drank a potion, but you guys didn't want any. Jackson, you just tried a test tube. Yeah, it was red.

It was like, you probably just- Made me think of that cough syrup. Yeah. Lean. Jackson, I don't want any purple drank. We're at work. I was imagining the potion was me just going like on all of the different drink flavors and combined.

Drink my potion. It's not even exciting, Jackson. Did that give me my powers? A combination of Sprite and Coke? I'm going to call myself Pepsi Man from now on. Sprite and Coke mixed together makes Pepsi. Just a theory I've had for a long time. Guys, it's happening.

Guys, I drank my magic Pepsi concoction and now I've got powers. Yeah, but we didn't drink that magic Pepsi. Well, I don't know what gave you your powers. It'd be funny if Jackson gets like, you said you didn't want any but clearly you had some. He must have had a sip while I wasn't looking. You say you didn't, but I reckon you did.

What else have you been stealing? It's weird that we all live the life of Peter Parker in this situation. I guess, look, there's a multiple spider versus. This is just the one where Peter Parker is the plumbing boy. We're in a poly relationship with Mary Jane. All this three Mary Janes. That's true.

May adopted us all after our parents died. Yeah, exactly. All six. Exactly. That's true. May adopted us all after our parents died. Yeah, exactly. It's fine. All six of them. That's nice. They're all working for S.H.I.E.L.D. or whatever. She's a good sort. So I would theme myself after Pepsi, I guess.

I'd be like, I'm sticky like Pepsi is when you leave it on surfaces. Yeah. The webbing, crystal Pepsi. I still think the webbing's bone You can call yourself Marrow or whatever Okay so I'm calling myself

Something with liquid bone I'll think about it Wet bone Liquid bone's pretty good It sounds like a fertilizer What's the name for the fertilizer? Blood and bone Blood and bone

I'd call myself Blood and bone boys after the yeah yeah because i'm pretty sure like it's not just bone it's got to be something liquid like blood you're a fucking trooper for using it i would be so scared if it was bone i would put band-aids over my wrist slits well i don't feel weaker do i feel weak i'll be hungrier would you go to the doctor yeah that's That's something Peter Parker never does. He's like, yeah, I'm good. I would go to the doctor and be like, doctor, my bone is leaking from my wrist. Watch.

Look. It just keeps leaking. It's gross. It's great to imagine you extending your wrist and the doctor just pushing down. Am I sick? Is the first time you use it The most Does it ooze out?

Because it should ooze out It should You should have a bit of a fart noise Like a little You're like a sauce bottle The first squeeze after you haven't used it for a bit It's all liquidy and white Like a web plug that's got to poke out first

Oh no that's bad That's so bad It's funny to imagine the doctor being like, I guess we're going to see how much is it. Nah, piss doesn't work like that. So maybe web wouldn't either. But it's good to imagine that. A piss plug's bad.

Got to piss out a little nugget of piss. And then you're good. It's great to imagine the doctor making you web into a bucket to see how much is in you. Are you weak yet? I'm thirsty. Hungry a little. Him having just heaps of buckets in the doctor's office,

poking his head out and being like, cancel all my appointments. I don't know how long this is going to take. What else can you do? Is it pos? Are you okay? I feel fine. Can you sit by the chair? This is getting boring.

There's so much in you. Can he take blood? Do needles no longer work on me? I don't know. Is my skin thick? Does Peter Parker get thick skin? I don't remember that. I'm remembering this in a superhero film.

I think that might be Superman. Yeah, Superman, because he's skin of steel or whatever. Man of steel. Skin of steel. Skin of steel. Skin of steel. Isn't there like one where he tries to take blood or something and he can't because he's Is that in Spider-Man?

Isn't someone trying to take his blood in Spider-Man 3? Maybe. Yeah, I think you're right. So you can't take blood. Doesn't someone try and be Spider-Man in one of the movies by taking his DNA? No. Maybe. You made that up. That might be in a comic. Because then if that happens I'm like oh man, maybe I'm thick skin. his DNA? No. Maybe. You made that up. That might be in a comic. But no,

because then if that happens, I'm like, oh man, maybe I'm thick skin. What superhero movie or something have I seen where the trick is their DNA because he got... You sure it's not like an Amazing Spider-Man? Isn't it Amazing Spider-Man 2 where they're trying to cure Green Goblin with Spider-Man DNA? God, I...

Maybe. It's your favourite Spider-Man movie, Jackson. Stop thinking about cleaning the chimney and tell me the plot point. There's only two good bits. Cleaning the chimney and when they shoot at Electro. What about when he does Incy Wincy Spider? That's also great. Throw a good bit in that film. Maybe the whole film's good.

Maybe I love it. No, maybe you're right. I agree with you, though. I feel like they've figured out that he's Spider-Man and they want his blood. It's an Osborn, one way or the other, trying to get his blood with a needle. Either way, I'd maybe now be calling myself Thick Skin. Yeah. Or is it in the first Spider-Man film and they're trying to cure...

The lizard? No, no, no. The first Spider-Man, Spider-Man film, like the Tobey Maguire one. Yeah, I don't remember. But I know you were about to look it up. No, no, no. I was just bangingMan, Spider-Man film, like the Tobey Maguire one. Yeah, I don't remember, but I know you were about to look it up. No, no, no, I was just banging on my phone because I couldn't remember. Okay, well, I guess it's a hard thing to Google. When do they inject Spider-Man?

So I'm in the doctors. What else are Tessies doing with me? Because I'm like, I can see good now. I guess you'd check your eyes and be like, 20-20 vision or greater. Yeah, I can also stick to a wall. Are my bones doing this? So in the first Spider-Man movie they have that close up of his hand where

the little hairs grow out. So maybe he'd just start plucking those hairs to see what they are. Well, you came in for the test. Yeah, I'll take one I guess. Not all of them. What actually are they? They're little... Great question! Are they actual?

Because, like, on a spider, they're bits of the spider's legs. Oh, we pluck it, right? To start bleeding? Yeah, probably. Is it just like hair? Like, if you pluck hair from your hand, you're not hurting. But the thing about hair is it doesn't let you stick to it. It doesn't support my body weight.

That is the funny thing about hair. You can't put your hair, your hair on top of a building, put your head top down on the building, and then swing over and hang there by it. Whoa, thank God my hair. It's very funny to imagine. I'm like, I got sticky hair hands. Let me try this.

It didn't work. Time to shoot Crystal Pepsi out my wrist. All right, so you're becoming Pepsi Man because you think that you got it from drinking a potion and it was just mixing Coke and Sprite, which you claimed made Pepsi. That's what Pepsi tastes like, Coke and Sprite together. Then I've decided to theme myself after Pepsi.

I guess my first move would be to contact Pepsi. What if they issue you with your cease and desist? Damn it. I'll just change the way I say it Peppers man Just go with like an off-brand cola Like LA Iceman I'll be Peppers man

Who's that in front of the American flag? Oh, that must be Mr. Peppers It's Peappas Man. I noticed he's the colour of Papsy, and it looks like the Papsy logo, but it clearly says Pappas. P-E-P-I-S. Pappas Man.

Yeah, okay, so I'll be Pappas Man. For legal reasons, I have to be. Joel Samad is thick skin? Or marrow? Or wet bone. I might just stay with wet bone. Wet bone's good. I'm still pretty sure my powers are

bone related. Would you make the logical jump that your webbing could help you swing through the city? Because that's another leap that I might not make. No, I would not. Unless I knew that it had like spider powers yeah you're not gonna make that even that's not what spiders do well because i'm like i would you know like throwing my bone around everywhere being like and i'll be like oh i guess

it can support me a bit oh yeah i might hang from it maybe not swing just like use it as like a rope ladder yeah yeah yeah like a slower spider man. Like someone's burning to death at the top of that building. Thwip, whoop, whoop. I'd thwip, try climbing, wait a second, and then just walk up the wall. Oh, yeah, that's true. But as Spider-Man climbs it- No, you're walking- No, I'm walking, put the soles of my feet on the building and walk up.

Is Spider-Man strong enough to do that, or will his spine break? Well, he's got good core strength. Great core strength. It's great to imagine you getting up the top and walk up. Is Spider-Man strong enough to do that or will his spine break? Well, he's got good core strength. Great core strength. It's great to imagine you getting up the top with a stitch. Yeah, it would take me a while to realise I could just use my hands. You know how I'd get up buildings? I'd go up to the buildings on my side and roll up. Look out!

It's Peppers Man. Because, like, is it just the hairs on your feet and hands, or is it all over your body? Oh, true. Maybe it's not all over your body. Because if it is all over your body, well, look, our uniforms are drastically different. I'm nude Peppers Man.

I would just be in a G. Also, if I'm that ripped. I would just be in a G. Also, if I'm that ripped, I might just be in a G generally. Guys, look how buff I am now. With Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield and Peter Parker in general getting ripped, they're very, very skinny, lanky-ish boys. Are we still getting ripped? We're becoming like muscle fat, kind of like bear-shaped of like bear shaped maybe i just become the bear it's great that that's you're like well lifestyle change i guess now that i have spider-man powers

yeah do we become like ripped and shredded and like zero percent body fat or we just become like muscly under this like a hundred percent body fat on the back i assume we become muscly under our regular bodies. Oh, so we become a bit bulky. Hey, does Spider-Man taste better now? He sees better. Oh, right. Right.

Wow, I did not go there. I went to other places. Yeah, that's fair. I guess we're eating Spider-Man or at least sucking him off. One of the two. I would definitely eat my web if I think it's Crystal Pepsi. That's going to be a shock to me. You just spray it straight into your mouth.

That does not taste like Pepsi at all. You can't drink it. It's solid. It's more like I put my mouth up to my wrist, I'll fire it off in the back of the head. Tell me you'd web in a bucket and you'd at least have a sip. Yeah, absolutely. It's not liquid.

It'd have a chunk. I would be curious what it tastes like. Have you ever seen a fucking spider web and be like, I'm going to drink that. Yeah, but it's out of my wrist and I think it might be my bone. No, but it's- Maybe I eat them back in me. I'll get it. Look, you can eat it, sure,

but you can't really... Put those bones back. Yeah, I don't know how many bones I'm using. That's why I went to the doctor. You just can't drink it. You can eat it. I will. What if I heat it up a little?

Yeah, it'll go in the microwave. Forget about it. And now, a quick word from our sponsors. Also, hey, plumbing is sweet as a summer breeze and all, but did you know that we produce at least eight other podcasts? Maybe you wish we'd stopped talking about superheroes and Star Wars and dog dicks and instead sought out which kind of frog is the superior frog or what would be the best kind of metal to be crushed under.

If this sounds like you, then why not head to sanspantsradio.com and search for Shut Up A Second, a nonsense podcast that's far better than it has any right to be. I like to imagine you go to the doctor. Is this webbing warm? Kind of like, you know, how other liquids are out of our body is warm. Is it also warm?

You keep saying liquid, but it's not a liquid. Well, it's coming out of you. It starts off as a bit of a liquid. Jelly's still a solid. It looks a little liquid-like, and then it becomes a liquid. Well, it's coming out of you. It starts off as a bit of a liquid. Jelly's still a solid. It looks a little liquid-like, and then it becomes a solid. It's warm, though. Yeah. Definitely.

Yeah, it's warm. And as it cools down, it hardens. Yeah, I don't know about that. I think it's more like one of those sticky hands. Yeah. It's like saying something that's... It's in my body, right? Yeah.

And it needs to be a liquid. It can't just be a solid mass of webbing in my body. I'm starting to see why he never really has organic web shooters because it doesn't really make sense. So it has to be a liquid. And as it comes out of my body, it will then harden up and become more webbing and sticky. Which means if you're spraying it,

regardless, it's still going to be a solid. So when it's going in your mouth. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's not going to be good. I'm going to choke to death. It's weird. But it's still going to be a solid. So when it's going in your mouth. Yeah. Oh, yeah, it's not going to be good. I'm going to choke to death. It's weird, you know. But it's going to be warm, though.

Yes. Unpleasant. You're not right. Like a shit. Yeah. You're not right. Actually, probably similar consistency to a shit, but long and thin. Yeah.

Like a shitty cum. Yeah, like a shitty cum. You're wrong in that it's your bones, but it will make you tired. Because you are using up presumably your own matter because you can't make matter from nothing. No. So I would be tired and hungry. Yeah, you're using up a lot of your own.

You could do it till you faint. So, yeah, there's going to be a thing in the doctor's office where he's just like, keep going. Doc, I'm feeling woozy. Not feeling great, Doc. And then you fall face first into the bucket. Call my wife. I'm going to have to stay later.

I got an unconscious man and a lot of web to throw away. A lot of bone. A lot of bone juice. We don't know what it is yet. What is an unconscious man away? It's funny, Dusha, because we've not heard anything of you, and I imagine you're doing nothing. Just going home.

So he's gone and called up Pepsi. I've gone to the doctor. What are you doing? Yeah. First thing you got- I'm probably going to King Kong this. Climb the Empire State Building. Yell.

People, it's just you. It's just you. It's not, I don't know. What's that guy up there? Hey, a man's doing some sick parkour up at Empire State Building. So get down. No, I was thinking though-

Take the stairs. That- You can't parkour off a window. I did it. Goodbye. Oh, wow. No, I was thinking that if I was

theming my thing these all sound like ape-based abilities. Okay, the webbing. No, because see, I can show my working there. That would be the last

thing that I discovered I feel and I would be like oh, I'm like Tarzan swinging on vines. Oh, yeah. It's good to imagine you having like That means that I discovered I feel and I would be like oh I'm like Tarzan swinging on vines it's good to imagine you having that means that I would figure out the swinging on webs thing faster than you do

I also wouldn't try and drink it but I don't really try and drink anything that comes out of my body if I sneeze I'm not like oh what's this I better drink it yeah but a sneeze isn't new first time you had it come you're like I'm'm going to drink this. Yeah, I figured out what was going on.

This is a mystery. It's the same thing. Plus, I didn't drink a Pepsi potion. I'd be like, that was after my first cum, and I'm like, these are connected. It's great for you to have like- I should imagine the three of us being like, after like, you know, two days or whatever.

So you try it? You drank it, yeah? No, it's a solid. Yeah, me neither. I did. Yeah, look, I did as well. I imagine you've still got web around your lips. All over my face.

I drink it, this comes off. I like to imagine you, Dusha, having like some gauntlets that make it green like a vine as it comes out. Maybe a sharpie over the top. Whoa, and then you can swing. Are you dressing like Tarzan? that make it green like a vine as it comes out. Maybe a sharpie over the top. Whoa! And then you can swing. Are you dressing like Tarzan? No, I was dressing like an ape.

Oh, okay. It's just like a complicated mix of ideas. Yeah. You're not Tarzan. So are you getting an ape costume? Probably. Or like, you know, like the soldiers or like army. Like ghillie suits?

Well, I can- Like when people used to wear like the skins of bears and stuff. Oh, okay. So the skin of an ape. So you've gone to- Central Park suits. I was like, show me Harambe too. I've got a message for him.

It's great if you start fighting crime and they're like, oh, thank God. Wait a second. Is that the guy that killed that ape? Hang on. Let me just get the news up from a month ago. Oh my God, it's the same guy. What's the best way to kill an ape if you want to preserve its skin? Strangle it? No, put, get you

I mean, you're strong enough. Who's stopping you? Yeah, the ape. The ape ate. You could chuck it, like, with me in the web. You could put your wrist to the ape's mouth and choke it out. Drown it in web. Drown it in web. You could drown that ape in webbing, yeah.

What a horrific thing to do. You could hang it. Yeah, you could hang it. For the zoo to discover, like, someone skinned this ape. Hang it and leave a note. From your friendly neighbourhood ape man. From your friendly neighbourhood ape is good. What's your superhero name?

Ape. I got ape powers. I don't remember when from. So your first act of superhero-y is you've killed an ape. You're a villain. Killing it is an animal for a costume. But I could have easily just gone to a shop. You wanted the real thing.

I get it. You're the villain. All right, that's good. Well, Green Goblin still happens in this. If it's like Spider-Man, Tobey Maguire's Spider-Man, Green Goblin is still out there. Who amongst us is fighting him? I don't know if it's the whim of Pepsi to do so.

I think I'm still getting tests. Peppas. Sorry. Yeah, Peppas, man. Peppas, man, heas man A lengthy legal battle With Pepsi I like to imagine I've decided to create my own Drink So that I am representing a soft drink

And it tastes like your web You've got to assign just Recreate this in liquid form Make this flavour, lick my web I've robbed a lot of banks so that I can pay. Also a villain. Peppas man did this. That's what I say after I rob a bank.

All right, so Peppas man. No, Pepsi man did this. My love of Pepsi has faltered. They betrayed me. Blame Pepsi. And then I swing away. Drink Coke. Except I don't swing

I just run away Drink Pappas Pappas man is now in a very lengthy legal battle with Pepsi Also trying to create his own drink Wet Bone is just kind of doing more and more tests At a local GP's office Wet Bone's in a lab No just at a GP

That one doctor He's living at the... He's like, you are a medical mom. He's like, tell my wife I won't be back for a week. Tell my wife I live here now. We've got some things to discover. Tell her to move the kids into the doctor's office. We've got to find out what's happening with this man.

And his unlimited wet bone. So I'm like, yeah, spraying wet bone everywhere and eating cheeseburgers I can only imagine. I sort of imagine you like dissected half on the operating table but still alive and very conscious. Figured it out yet? Like they cut off part of your arm. Just like an arm kind of pinned down,

kind of like the forearm, like the skin just kind of like just slipped down the middle, pinned down to the board. Me looking at it being like, that's fucked. Where's it coming from? This big web sack is poking it. It's like, huh? Give me another cheeseburger. I am so tired.

I'm tired and hungry. This is weird. That's so weird to have web sacks in your arm. Oh, it's very wrong. It's very wrong to just jab sacks in your arm Oh it's very wrong It's very wrong Just jab it in the open as well You're going to get a big infected web sack Oh no boss will come out

Oh no Fuck Just the doctor looking me eating my cheeseburger Over the wound Oh I got some in Big Mac special sauce landing on your web sack Shit Doctor give me a napkin Just dabbing at your open wound Oh, I've got some in. Big Mac special sauce landing on your website. Shit, shit, shit.

Doctor, give me a napkin. Just dabbing at your open wound. That pinky yellow colour of pasta. Oh, no. Doctor, give me some antibiotics. Doc, come on now. Imagine taking antibiotics cures your Spider-Man power. Oh, damn.

Oh, that infection passed. Oh, now I'm doughy again. Extra doughy because of all those cheeseburgers. But thank God your bones are back. So what are we doing with this green goblin problem? I don't know. I guess a green goblin comes to each of us in turn and it's like, we can rule the city together.

Ape. I like to imagine that even though I've killed an innocent animal and presumably an endangered animal, I still have a weird sense of justice, and then I try and punch Green Goblin. I guess you're stronger than him. No, you're about the same size. So the way Peter Parker, Spider-Man,

kills him is by running his glider into him. Are we coordinated enough to do that? No. I'm going to be like, try the refreshing taste of Pappus. He's like, run the city together. You're like, yes, sponsored by Pappas. As long as you agree to fund my Pappas company, Green Goblin, I'm all yours.

All right, done, good. What would the tagline be? Just drink Pappas? Or else. It's a threat. Or it's like, Pappas. Remember else. It's a threat. Or it's like, Peppas. Remember, drinking Pepsi is bad.

Peppas, the anti-Pepsi. So many lawsuits. Peppas, Pepsi can go to hell. It's very funny to imagine Green Goblin being like, rule the city. And I'm like, I'm happy to enter a partnership. And then we do. And we're sitting with his accountant, and he's like, you have so many debts. We have so many debts, rule the city. And I'm like, I'm happy to enter a partnership. And then we do. And we're sitting with his accountant, and he's like, you have so many debts.

We have so many debts, Green Goblin. So many legal debts. We're going to go to court. So many legal debts. You've got one tomorrow. We've got one tomorrow. Green Goblin. You know what?

It actually works, because that means you accidentally take down the Green Goblin by putting him in jail, but for white-collar crime. That's true. Hey, you notice that Green Goblin and also Peppis Man are no longer a problem? They're in white-collar jail. I can get out.

It's the judge being like, you do realize that 90% of your advertising material for Peppis contains the word Pepsi. There's a lot of fuck off. Pepsi can eat my ass. Pepsi is an anus drink if you drink pepsi you're a damn fool pepsi can uh-huh and i quote go to hell would you like to try some refreshing peppers your honor to see what all the fuss is about no and uh mr Goblin, what do you have to say about this?

Curse you, Pappus man! Spoiled again! What? Oh, yeah, I guess. I did it. I saved the day. Bailiffs, take him away. Well, that's how I would deal with the Green Goblin.

I'm looking at the news, eating a cheeseburger, a hand gone. Oh, that's how I would deal with the green goblin. I'm looking at the news, eating a cheeseburger, a hand gone. Oh, that's crazy. Did the infection get you? Yeah. They cut it off. Well, that's good because then they can send you home and just experiment on the arm. Yeah, I'm one arm now.

It's wild to imagine you cut off at the elbows and the web just comes out of the middle now. Yeah, I don't know why. I guess I lost a bone. I guess I have many web sacks all through my body. I guess it migrated. Doc! I go back. Doc!

I know you took my arm, but look at this now. This isn't good. You've driven a doctor insane. He might put you down. Look at this boy. It's probably the best. It's probably necessary. And I guess maybe I can come to an agreement with the zoo where I live at the zoo.

As they say during the day but fight crime at night. I've become Batman. Except instead of Bruce Wayne, billionaire playboy, I'm Joel. I'm ape. Ape. I've had so many questions for the doc. Hey, doc.

Yeah? How come I don't have, like, webs that come out of my ankle? I don't know. Shouldn't it? I didn't make you. Or, like, at least between my toes. Why aren't my hands webbed and fingers? I love that neither of you questioned your powers.

I at least searched for a source. Both of you were like, yeah, okay, well, I guess you thought yours was medical. I thought mine was, like, some kind of bone thought yours was medical. I thought mine was like some kind of bone related. Maybe we walk into somewhere in Oscorp? Well, I guess we were at the lab. We probably visited many different places. Cafeteria, spider lab.

Nah, it couldn't have been that. Do you reckon it was the spider lab? No, no, no. I reckon the cafeteria. Did you ever go to any ape enclosures? Did we ever get x-rayed Couldn't have been that. Do you reckon it was the spider lab? No, no, no. I reckon the cafeteria. Did you ever go to any ape enclosures? Did we ever get x-rayed at any point? Maybe it was a security. I'm pretty sure I got scanned when I went through security. That's why I think it's bones.

What's the equivalent of foot and mouth disease but of apes? What? I think I have that. Swine ape flu? Swine ape flu. That's the one I've got. The moment the spider bit you, someone coughed on you accidentally. Swine ape flu? Swine ape flu. That's the one I've got. The moment the spider bit you, someone coughed on you accidentally.

Yeah, you felt like just like a warm cough on the back of your head. That was Jackson trying to beat it. Slurped down your Pepsi. Too hot. Your Coke and Sprite combination that you kept calling Pepsi. Too hot. That was too hot. Pepsi mix gave me these powers. I coughed on Dusha.

That's how you got your ape powers. I got coughed on by a man with the intelligence of an ape. And yeah, look, you weren't looking. I had a sip. Yeah, I knew it. Everyone wanted to try my Pepsi. I was curious.

Alright, well that's Spider-Man 1. Everyone had to try my Pepsi. I was curious. All right. Well, that's Spider-Man 1. Well, I mean, are you in jail now? Yes. So I don't think I can deal with Dr. Octopus. Does Dr. Octopus just win? Yeah. Oh, man, if it's Oct V ape, that's pretty good.

That's a cool fight. It happens in King Kong, I guess. Yeah. Would I become studied by a lot of medical professionals? Again, dead. Because if I become experimented on, I feel maybe Doc Ock is experimenting on this boy. Yeah.

Maybe you become Doc Ock. They give you the new arms. Where does his web go? They give him new arms on his stump, but whenever you shoot web, it just goes back into your system and infects you more. Guys, I'm sick of this. Yeah, I go to, is it like Kirk Connors or Doc?

I've been like, can you fix this? I punch you in the fight and you pop like a pimple. Punch me in the stomach. The shockwave ripples up and kind of like exits my arm and then just... It's great to imagine Zammett's torso

staying in the same place, but from his legs, arms and neck webbed. Shooting in all directions. And then he just slowly kind of falls to the ground and dies. Just a pair of lips. You killed me and then I die.

It's great that at the end of Spider-Man 1 it's like a montage of you playing an entire swing. I'm an ape! This is how I'm paying off my debt It's like a montage of you playing an entire swing at a zoo. I'm an ape. This is how I'm paying off my debt to the zoo.

Eating a banana. Climb ape boy. Just an ape. Just a classic. People watching being like, that is a bloody ape. That ape's eyes are very human, poking out of those suspiciously deep sockets. To me in jail with a green goblin. For tax crimes. And I guess Spider-Man 3.

I guess Harry's annoyed at you for putting his dad in jail. But his dad's alive, so I guess he's not filled with that much angst. He'll let Green Goblin out and I'll be like, are we still a team, Green Goblin? He'll be like, absolutely not. Harry pays a goon to come into your cell and just rough you up a bit. But then the lawyer's gonna be like, or the

judge being like, you did sign the legal... You entered a partnership. So you are still a team. Yay! I'm out on bail, baby! Pappus rules again! Right back into the course. You're like, sweet, now I can go tell Pappus to eat my ass again.

So that Green Goblin storyline is now a courtroom drama. Okay. The symbiote. What's that symbiote? Did he find my lips? You've become the villain again Like a venom symbiote

That's like venom but like Lips on one long tube Arms on the other tubes Torso in the middle If we just left your body there I guess you've still got the You've become like Doc Ock but symbiote But your lips are just on a tube. Guys, I can't see anymore.

I feel like doing bad things. It's foul to imagine that Cronenbergian abomination doing the Spider-Man 3 cool walk to a jazz club. Hey! Ah! Oh, my fucking God. Is that a sailor in suits? A suit floating in the morass.

Hell, yeah. I'm looking fly. Ape. So that's the symbiote. All right, Sandman. I guess he just does his thing. Yeah, whatever. He's just a crook.

I don't think any of us ever signed up to fight cry. He killed Uncle Ben and that was it. Well, no. Uncle Ben's probably still alive because we didn't become wrestlers. Oh, that's true. None of us ever signed up to fight cry. He killed Uncle Ben and that was it. Well, no, Uncle Ben's probably still alive because we didn't become wrestlers. Oh, that's true. None of us would have jumped to that. In fact, I guess, yes, Sandman's probably not even in jail. He's fine.

Sandman's living a lovely life with his daughter and then Harry Osborn is in court with me. Eddie Brock doesn't become Venom. Joel Zammett does. I've decided to present myself in court myself we don't call ourselves Venom, we call ourselves the human lips Jackson's got the Ted Bundy approach fire your lawyers

fire my lawyers, represent myself your honor, after you drink a refreshing glass of peps, after you drink a refreshing warm glass of peps you'll understand why it's superior to pepsi in every way, Mr. Bailey, that is not the You have to drink a refreshing warm glass of Pappas. You'll understand why it's superior to Pepsi in every way. Mr. Bailey, that is not the purview of this court case. You've misunderstood.

You think the court case is about having to prove that Pappas is a superior drink to Pepsi? It's not? No. I request a long recess. They find you trying to climb out the window. Like Ted Bundy. Yeah, but I can just sweep away. Jump out of the window.

I connect my hair to the window and roll out. But unfortunately, I break my own neck. You hang yourself, I said it. It's very funny. That's the way to Peppas, man. Yeah, like trying to use my webbing to get out of a tiny window, but I'm so uncoordinated that it just wraps around my neck and hangs myself. Aw.

That's what that's supposed to be. Aw. Aw. Damn's what that swears me. Aw. Aw. Damn it. Alright. So that's what happens to, I guess, Norman Osborn.

And I guess... Norman Osborn's fine. Leave a lovely father and son bonding experience of the hatred of Peppus Man.

Who is now on display outside the corner of the Hong. While there's a whole bunch of firemen are trying to get me down he's the man with like big like you've been drinking so much Peppers that just like just like farting every now and then

and it just knocks me slightly away from them back like those big fish hooks trying to get you down he's not coming so undignified for Peppers You know those big fish hooks trying to get you down? He's not coming. So undignified for Pappas. Yeah. I hope that the farts turn you around on the back and just says drink Pappas.

So now there's just an ad for Pappas. People driving by on their morning commute. What the hell is Pappas? You die a martyr. Everyone buys Peppers. Stocks go up. Norman Osborn becomes a billionaire. Yes, I became a billionaire

off the back of my invention, Peppers. And that poor lad who hung himself to advertise it. You become dissected. Norman Osborn maybe becomes a better Spider-Man. Yeah. Oh, that's good. And he deals with the venom problem. Yeah, he kills the human lips.

It's sad that if you kill venom again, it's just your body parts one more time. Smacks a bell. Oh, no! Flip, flip, flip. Limb, arm, lips. Lips again. You kill me again. smacks a bell oh no flip flip flip limb arm lips lips again just you kill me again

and then I die it's funny that I imagine Ape has not left the zoo yeah for Spider-Man 3 I just stay in the zoo at night I break out

you've become used to the zoo maybe you like life as an ape I like life as an ape yeah give you all the bananas you want

yeah I'm an ape give you a bit of a cuddle and a smooch to Lady Ape. Yeah. You're gonna live a lot longer than the rest of the apes. Eventually they'll make you king. And you and the apes will take on... I finally get to become

King Kong, as I stated. The apes will raid New York City. Like Planet of the Apes, but with a man with an ape mask made of a dead ape instead. Perfect poetry. Who thought that it would end there? Yeah.

I guess all this goes to show that it was lucky that he chose a spider, you know? Yeah. Look, the odds weren't in his favour, but damn, it worked out in the end because the alternative is so much worse. And on that note, I've been ape. I've been pepper-sman. And I've been Ape I've been Peppersman And I've been Wetbone

Stay safe America Thanks for listening And if you want to follow us on Twitter You can find us at Sandspants Radio Or you can find us individually I'm at Douche13

I'm at OldDogsOfDead And I'm at GodDammitZammit If you want to hear our other shows You can head to Sandspants Radio, or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead. And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps! And if you want to support us, head to SandspantsPlus.com Thank you again for listening, and we'll see you again

next time. Goodnight for now. But not forever. Kisses.