Plumbing the Death Star - Why Does the Toothfairy Collect Teeth?

Episode Date: August 7, 2016

In which our heroes present bloody molars to their parents, get a good night of sleep and awake to gold coins while questioning why the Tooth Fairy collects teeth. Join us as we encounter humanity’s magical foes, politely ask them not to kill our kids and find ourselves in a succession of conflicts with the Fey/Fay/Fae. Jackson contemplates the applications of a tooth stockpile, Zammit tries to negotiate a fair peace treaty and Duscher just wants to satisfyingly deliver film synopses. Prepare yourself for the War of Teeth as we draw back the curtain on a (disg)race of creatures hiding under the guise of a single entity to rob us of precious enamel. Well, scrap enamel. And in exchange for gold. And under the cover of darkness, presumably out of fear. Hmm. We may be the bad guys here. Troubling.Want to help ignite the war of teeth? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, we can finally get those fairy bastards.And don’t forget to purchase your copy of Plumbing the Death Star Vol. 1 right now available at https://audiobooksontape.com/shop/plumbing-death-star-bonus/. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pants Radio, that is not my pony. Hey guys, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, why does a tooth fairy collect teeth? I think I saw the tooth fairy. I'm almost sure that it was her. With beautiful wings and a necklace made of teeth, I think I saw the tooth fairy.

I always assumed to build a house. Yeah, but you can build a house of many things I think I saw the tooth fairy I always assumed to build a house Yeah, but you can build a house of many things that aren't just the tooth Like bricks. Some reason she probably needed mud to do it with. Also, where'd they get so much gold? What? Oh, for the coins. Yeah Here's a theory right off

the bat. Okay. Back in the day, people had gold teeth Yeah. Some people, not all Everyone had gold. Back in the day, people had gold teeth. Yeah. Some people, not all. Everyone had gold teeth back in the day. Yes. Historical fact.

And that was maybe before people believed in a tooth fairy, but the tooth fairy is still around, right? People losing their gold teeth left and the right tooth fairy

stockpiles them. But in this modern day and age, everybody expects a reward for their teeth. So the tooth fairy melts down the gold she has.

That answers a question that you brought up with your dumb original answer. Well, that is true. I don't care about gold at the moment, Jackson. Tell me about teeth. Well, okay. So she was like stockpiling teeth. Gold teeth. So that one day she could exchange those

gold teeth for actual teeth. Well, it's not as an airtight argument. Yeah. Okay, well, I guess to think about this practically what do teeth have in them let's break down teeth and then bare elements enamel holes holes uh nerves sometimes those little roots things yeah uh bridges plaque does that do the very one plaque i'm to look at it like anatomy of a tooth. Yeah. But I don't know. Are teeth valuable in any way?

It makes sick neck aces out of them. I guess you could, like if they were a form of currency, sure. I just noticed that I've had so much caffeine that I'm slurring my words. I'm not drunk. I promise. Wink. Shall do shall rummy. Double wink.

That's a blink. Let's see. You've just got, oh yeah, it's pulpy. It's pulp cavity. Teeth sound gross. There's a root canal, gum tissue, you don't want that. That teeth sound gross. Like I myself have no teeth.

Cement? Is she using it to break, oh my God, the tooth fairy has misunderstood cement. I think it's just enamel. Okay. Because it'd be the hard part, which is enamel, and and then the inside bit which is called the dentine that avenue of reasoning got me nowhere then so I guess if they're using either for currency

or to build shit they must be like this is the best thing that we have but that also assumes that there's more than one tooth fairy are we assuming that? I'm assuming that straight off the bat there needs to be at least three for each hemisphere one hemisphere Okay, so straight off the bat, there needs to be at least three.

For each hemisphere. One hemisphere is shit at all. For the north, south and side hemisphere. Yeah, north, south and east hemisphere. The west doesn't have one, surprisingly. It's out of luck. The equator. There's a of luck. The equator. There's a tooth fairy on the equator.

Because again, I think we only think there's one tooth fairy because they all look the same. Just to our, maybe our human eyes. Our terrible human eyes. I think they're a race of people, or at least a race of fae. Like a magical race. A magical race that would live in an alternate dimension because we don't, or at least under like, you know, Like a magical race. A magical race that would live in an alternate dimension because we don't, or at least under like, you know, bushes.

So we're going to assume, at least in the dirt. We're at least fairies. We're all fairies. So we're going to assume that your basic tooth fairy is a member of like the, like fae, like F-E-Y, the fairies of old. I always spell F-A-E. No, dick.

It's F-E-Y. F-A-E is, I think you can spell it both ways. Yeah, I you spell F-A-E? Nah, dick. It's F-E-Y. F-A-E is... I think you can spell it both ways. Yeah, I would spell F-A-E. Dusha, where do you stand on the Fae argument of spelling? F-A-E, fuck you, Jackson. Joel's Unite. No, I don't care if it's right or wrong.

F-A-E sounds better. Am I thinking like Morgan Le Fay? Like King Arthur's sister or whatever? Have you heard about the Morgans? Is that what you're thinking of yes maybe no no that's a movie isn't it have you heard of hugh grant wait the joneses keeping up with the what if i don't that's bridget jones i google faye and the first thing that comes up is tina faye all about the morgans have you heard about the morgans no faye faye works it's

an alternative word for fairy. Anyway. All right. So are we assuming that the Tooth Fairy is a member of that? Yes, definitely. Back before the Tooth Fairy was stealing teas, she was, like, taking people down to the underworld and making them eat bread or whatever fairies do. Sure. Yes, I'm assuming that they were definitely a portal to the side.

Don't, like, fairies love kids from memory? No, fairies replace children with changelings. Yeah. Fairies hate kids. Well, actually, I guess they probably want a human kid. So what are they doing

with them kids? The kids they take? Yeah. I don't know. Because they eventually give them back. Do they? Fucking them up good,

I guess. Yeah, they do. Because the classic changeling story is that you'll have a kid. Angelina Jolie had a kid. Angelina Jolie, the government took it

or something. Yeah, something like that. She had another kid. Oh, no, no, no. Isn't that like, she had a kid. Angelina Jolie, the government took it or something. Yeah, something like that. She had another kid. Oh, no, no, no. Isn't that like she had a kid, the kid went missing, the government gives her another kid. They're like, yeah, that's your kid.

She's like, no, it ain't. Yeah. So that, but with fairies. Oh, it's, have you heard about the Morgans, by the way? Did you hear about the Morgans is what it's called?

We could not care. Hugh Grant, Sarah Jessica Parker, they witness a murder and then they get relocated and then it's a it's a romp wait do they do they go to the

Amish community like that Tim Allen classic what's that called burning down the house that's like Jel Dusha look that one up I don't know

but him and Kirstie Alley witness a crime and then to run away from the mob they go and join the Amish that's awesome well what it's a small town

in Wyoming okay we're getting might as well be Amish I thought you were going to give us a synopsis I was so afraid That's awesome. It's a small town in Wyoming. Okay, we're getting a synopsis. It might as well be Amish. I thought you were going to give us a synopsis. I was so afraid. I don't want to learn about, did you hear about the Morgans today? No.

So if we were to, the Fae of old, they just want, they like, F-E-Y. They like fucking up humanity. So they steer your, oh, you play the harper good,

take you down to the fairy kingdom, don't eat the food, or you'll stay there forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Send you. Oh, you play the harpoon good. Take you down to the fairy kingdom. Don't eat the food or you'll stay there forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Send you back up. It's 100 years later. Because if they're taking those kids, right? Taking babies and replacing them with their own to integrate in society or just for funsies.

As a goof. As a laugh. So if they're taking teeth, which is inherently our baby teeth. So is there something like a link there with the youth? Could be. And also I think like... Can they grow us?

All right. Very cloning. So get our DNA. Every hundred years, there is a copy of you that gets sent to Earth. So no, more than one copy. Think about what we have. So what they do is they grab your teeth from the baby, the baby teeth, and they chuff on down to the land of Fae.

Somehow use that to make a magical version of yourself, and then that's the baby they switch with the changelings. Maybe puberty is just them replacing you. Maybe. They're like, hey, we made a new better one. It's going to be rough, but it'll turn out real good in the end. It is, because unless they're doing... They're going to be doing something with those teeth.

Yeah. And because... Hmm. Here's a thought. Do tooth fairy even have their own teeth? Ew. So what if they're like, we need to make dentures,

and the perfect way to do this... Is child's teeth. Is child's teeth. We are adults the size of children, and we need a child's teeth to make dentures that fit our mouths. Yeah. Actually, that makes a lot more sense.

How fucking creepy would that be if you actually saw a little tiny Faye with just little children's teeth, all mismatched and discolored, just like shoved into their gums? I'm all about that. Like, that's just terrifying. That's an unpleasant thing to imagine. And maybe in their society, like, the more teeth you have, the higher up. So they're just, like, collecting them.

And so they've just got all these, like, giant teeth joel is super unhappy about that one no i'm super on board like you have these like gum right and you have like where our teeth are right just all up there but then like also off to the side and shit like poking out of the poking out like it's like like a double rose of teeth but all the worst nah sick imagine that as your movie monster yeah i'm on board Fuck Gabe Let's movie maintenance this Tooth fairy

Pitch your ideal tooth fairy film That What I just said Joel Zammett's Many toothed monster That's why they're called The tooth fairy Oh yeah not because

They take teeth Because they have teeth Tooth fairies are really Often used as a villain In films Like as a movie monster It is or isn't? Is.

Yeah. I can think of at least two. One, I don't remember the name of either, but I can think of at least two. One has just like one weird tooth fairy and one has like lots of little jittering ones. There's also one where it's got one giant tooth fairy. Yeah. He has wings.

It's played by Vin Diesel. It's not really a horror film. Oh, it's The Rock! It is The Rock! You fucked up bad. Oh, I was thinking about The Pacifier. You were. It's easier to mix up somehow.

Vin Diesel also wears white t-shirts and is raped and is like, I'm looking after kids now. Do you know what the plot of The Pacifier is? Because I do. I do, but... Are we going to learn it? I guess we're going to have to hear about it. Go on.

Do you know, Jackson? No. Vin Diesel works for the FBI or CIA or something like that. Great. And then he gets sent to protect these kids because their dad scientist had discovered a program called Ghost or something that's dangerous. And the dad got killed for it.

And it's hidden in the house somewhere, but they don't know where. So Vin Diesel has to go babysit until he finds out where this tape was and they find a tape called Ghost and he puts it in and it's the movie Ghost that's the scene that happens, I promise you anyway, they find a secret lab and they find it and Vin Diesel fights people and it's good, the end

that was great, I'm glad I learned that I so didn't tune out at all you're on your laptop and I'm scared that you paused the recording and that our listeners won't get that great won't get to learn so if you're listening about Tooth Fairies right now and you don't know the plot of the pacifier that means Joel Zammett has edited this episode

and I do not agree with it unnecessary censorship let Joel douche his word free the pacifier hashtag free the pacifier tweet me if the plot synopsis of the pacifier hashtag free the pacifier um tweet me if the plot synopsis of the pacifier was not in that was not in this episode i need to know the truth i want to believe anyway truth very well great film they have to be extra dimensional i suppose because like where else are they hiding

because if you could think about it. How many... Generally, if they are taking the teeth of every small boy and girl, they need to be a lot of them. Yeah. You can't just have one in the southern hemisphere, one in the northern, and one in the equator. Yeah.

It doesn't work. You need a lot. And they need to be able to pop in and out of existence. They're not physically traveling these distances. Also, clearly, you can't see them, or we'd have caught one by now. Maybe they're just invisible. Maybe they live in Earth.

So like under the crust? No, no, no. Live in Earth the same way we live in Earth. We live on Earth, and I just said on instead of on. How scary, though, to find an anthill or something, and you're like, there's no answer on this, and you break it open, and you get real deep, and it's like all these holes,

and you just find this big little hole full of and you're like break it open and you get real deep and it's like all these holes you just find like this big little hole full of teeth like underground that'd be real disturbing i also said big little hole i don't even make little big hole um sounds like a camp camp little big hole sweet band um yeah i suppose we do have to assume that but it doesn't really explain huh i just realized why little Big Hole sound like a band, because Hole, they are a band. Like a little... Courtney Love.

Little Big Hole, kind of like maybe a cover band of Hole, but by 14-year-olds. Little Big Hole. Little Big Hole. Or by Little River Band. John Farnham was in that, wasn't he? John Farnham does Hole cover singles, his band Little Big Hole.

Yeah, so... Anyway, Tooth tooth fairies I guess Yes, so it's tooth fairies Well what, okay, let's try this strategy To find out, say you were in the same position As a tooth fairy and you had just a fuck ton Of teeth, you'd been collecting them For the last, you know, ten years You have a mess of teeth, a whole mound What are you going to do with them?

First question, how big are we? About the size of a tooth fairy. Oh yeah, no, good, thanks man. Two apples tall. Okay, you gestured about a metre. No, off my knee. Oh, well you're sitting dumb. That's three, so we're Smurf size.

No, Smurfs are three, that's like here. So you're looking maybe like three inches. How big are your apples? Big apples, pretty big apples. So you're looking maybe like three inches. How big are your apples? Big apples. Pretty big apples. The big apple? Maybe three inches. New York.

Yeah, three inches tall. Did someone say New York? Is someone talking about sex? Anyway. So three inches. Yeah. Two apples tall, three inches. So you kind of.

That is not three inches. How big is three inches? You do it with your hands then if you think they're so fucking good. Because an inch is like that. An inch is that. An inch is bigger than if you think they're so fucking good. An inch is like that. What's that? An inch is bigger than you think. No, doofus. Fucking eating stupid pills for breakfast. Eat fucking Weet-Bix.

I'm going to find out how many centimeters an inch is. Anyways, whatever fucking stupid pill no Weet-Bix Joel Ducey's talking about. Eight Weet-Bix. How big is an inch? Ignore that shit. You're quite little. You're about three inches tall. In comparison to a tooth. A tooth is kind of big.

Probably, I want to build houses, but my god, the smell. And I feel like there's better things to build houses out of. I don't know. Bark? Wood? Rocks? Yeah, bark, wood, but maybe... So maybe I would use them as some kind of reinforcement to a house. So maybe I would use them As some kind of reinforcement To a house

So maybe something to cut off the top bit The enamel But you've still got the kind of plug The spikes at the bottom of the teeth That hook into your gums Maybe you don't want that No because if you use them So you shave off the top of the tooth

And then you can put it in the ground And it's like it's stuck in the ground. You know what I mean? You make that your floor or something or support. That's an idea. Seems though, again, I feel like it's some kind of, not ritual, but like, it feels like, like some kind of messed up ancient bargain. It really does.

So like countless eons ago in a forgotten age, you know, like when man and Faye were still living in like a certain level of harmony. There was a war and to end the war, like this powerful king is like, okay. How many inches tall are we? Three. So seven and a half centimeters. Okay, good. That's little. That is very little.

Oh, Joel, do shit. And like the king is like, look, in return for, you know, not fucking us up. Here we go. So there was the War of Teeth. Yeah, all right. Right? That's so cool. It's a good name, War of Teeth.

So the Fae went to war with humanity. Okay. But the thing is, like, they wanted their teeth. Why? We'll think of something. I mean, that's the question of the hour This sounds like a really complex answer And my answer to follow it up is going to be real bad

No I'm just giving you a scenario So it's the war of the teeth And it's like where is the fae? We're invading the land of man And like stealing our teeth Like going to full on war Attacking people and prying teeth from their fucking Living mouths right

And so then to appease the fair the fey nation the fairy nation maybe like they're like the king or the council of kings like look how about this we lose our teeth naturally you've been fucking hassling us but do you know just biologically they fall out anyone the And the Fae are like, what? Yeah, if you'd fucking stop for a second instead of attacking our villagers, we could have just told you, but anyway. Here you go. So what we're going to do is we're going to make an agreement. You just fuck off back

to the land of Fae, but we will allow you entry to our kingdom. We will leave all our discarded teeth under a pillow, and for an exchange of gold, or currency, we sort of have this barter system. Yeah. Without wanting to see you because you gross us out and we gross you out, I assume. So let's just do this under the covers.

Yeah. Literally. Quite literally. But I feel like gold for teeth is like. I just love the idea of a fucking war of teeth. Yeah. War of teeth is such a good name for it. But I like, because I kind of like the idea like you, you've got, like, this, it's not like that, like, obvious.

It's not like they want teeth. He's like, look, we'll give you a bit of us. Yeah. You can take a bit of us and we take a bit of you. It's like a bargain, but we're still fucking doing it so that the fairies don't rise up again. Yeah. Or to the fae, like, teeth are an abomination and must be stopped. We pay bonaparte. We pay bonaparte. Or to the fae like Teeth are an abomination and must be stopped We power an abomination

We pay bonaparte Book it all you rubens Blogging property That doesn't make any Goddamn sense Surely you'd have evolved a talk normal So more wheat Mostly brickwoods

This is just ridiculous so yeah teeth are an abomination we must be like a tooth fairy pulling my tooth out and i'm like this is super dull this doesn't make a lick of sound what the fuck is what are you doing tooth fairy so yeah they just want to destroy teeth or they they i would say they probably use as a form of ritual or maybe it was kind of like they were there's another another war of bones instead where they were like there we go they were killing children they were like you know the things where they're changing whatever yeah and the reason they were killing some children is because they needed the bones the bones of kids yeah right and so then it was like look what what the fuck went to war with them then whatever happened and they come back like look what the fuck what the fuck went to war with them then whatever happened and

they come back like look what the fuck what the fuck is going on like we need the bones of children in our spells or our like in in our whatever magic rituals we do yeah yeah and they're like that needs to fucking stop so how about this children or we whatever lose our teeth naturally that's a kind of bone that's a kind of bone it's a part of a child it's a part of whatever that you need it's like youth etc etc you can have that in exchange so it's like no longer seems like a one-way thing it's like a bargain so this is a sort of a pact between humanity and the land of fey that you get our teeth we give a piece of gold and there are a truce yeah a kind of like gold for teeth concordant or something.

Yeah. I really like that that means that if you have a gold tooth. Don't stop killing our kids. Like a gold tooth. It just represents that in a mouth. It really does. And that's why we have gold teeth. Yeah.

And also, if you really want to sprinkle some bullshit, here you go. So you're like, right, that's actually the reason why we lose teeth. Before that, it was like humanity, we were born with one set of teeth and that was it. Now it's like we lose them so the fairies can take it. Maybe the fae did a little bit of a curse or a little magic spell and that's why humanity loses teeth.

And that's why you're like, I've got to keep my kid believing in the tooth fairy long enough that they can lose all their teeth. Because if they don't believe, if every kid was like, nah, fuck it, and they threw their teeth away and the tooth fairy didn't come, the fae would rise up and be like, we're taking your kid's bones again. We'd be like, fucking guys. It's very funny to imagine prior to that, kids with man teeth.

Yeah, or men with little teeth. Or little man teeth. Yeah. Or men, like with little teeth. Or little baby teeth. Yeah. Anyway, that's our brilliant theory, Joel Dusha. Yeah. My theory is that beads don't exist in the fairy kingdom.

How did they replace it with teeth? So, you know, like the fly screen, not fly screens, but like those bead curtain things you put over doors to stop bugs getting in? Those were made out of teeth. That's my theory.

Clearly there are a lot of bugs in the fairy kingdom to the point where they're like every kid's teeth. Also, I mean, well, from the fairy kingdom, if you're that tiny, bugs are going to be a hassle. Yeah, actually, if you're that tiny, how many teeth do you need? Well, I reckon seven and a half centimeters of teeth is like... I guess they're little kid teeth. Little kids have tiny teeth. Yeah, but like... One kid's

mouth could probably house a fae. Yeah, exactly. Like, let's be honest. Spooky. I just imagine a fae living inside a child's skull. Well, how spooky is this With your fucking gold for bones Concordant or whatever

You get transported to the land of fae And they've just been grave robbing child's graves You're like oh cool the tooth fairy land There's gonna be teeth houses And you're like no that's a skull That's a child's skull Why do we care about grave robbing Yeah I agree it's fine

Rob a grave I don't give a shit Cause like we're not gonna check on them So if they're there or they're not It doesn't really matter I guess it's that rob a grave I don't give a shit we're not going to check on them so if they're there or they're not it doesn't really matter I guess it's that whole desecration of the dead we as a society death is a thing wear a skull as a hat I don't care

put two skulls on your feet and walk around making a chomp sound put my skull in my pelvis I could not give a shit again people kind of think about the afterlife maybe as a body it's that sort of... Put my skull in my pelvis. I could not give a shit. Again, people kind of think about the afterlife and maybe it's the body. It's a lot of spirituality and lots of stuff. Turn my bones into a bone cycle, please.

Seek them. That would be very funny in the afterlife, though. You're just like chilling, then all of a sudden your head is up your own ass. You're like, goddammit. I hate that this is one-to-one. That is ridiculous. Some guy walks up without like ribs.

He's like, oh yeah my robes were destroyed when I was you know died so I just don't have them like this is a real dumb heaven heaven yes why in every afterlife am I just like I'm not satisfied with this it's just ridiculous

all of my afterlife theories are just like I thought I was dead and now I'm not kind of I thought I was dead and now I'm not kind of I thought I was dead but I'm still getting hassled by life but yeah no beads I think that's a solid-ish theory because I was thinking about like necklaces and stuff like that maybe they just don't have them

maybe it's like a primitive thing that's the thing it's like you go back and even looking at something like Maybe Game of Thrones You know the Lord of Bones Like the Beyond the Wall Having just like a guy

Just cut it out And sweet bones Yeah yeah Shit like that Which I reckon why I mean there's like Maybe that's Even though it's like

A half-baked idea But the idea of like Children's bones And then somehow Kind of making an appeasement Where it's like You get children's teeth instead Well it kind of seems like

There's this You know in like Fucking all that Well, it kind of seems like there's this, you know, in like fucking all that occult bullshit, there's like this, you know, that flesh or like a biological or an organic part of a person has power. You know what I mean? And teeth are really easy to get biological part of a person. You know what I mean? Like teeth and hair, like that's just, you can find it.

Is there a hair fairy? And we just don't know because they don't pay us? Well, nobody's leaving their hair under a pillow, so we don't know. Also, leaving it under a pillow is dangerous. I used to leave mine in a glass of water next to my bed. Yeah, same, actually. I did that one, too.

Was yours under your pillow, Zammett? No, I don't think we... Had the tooth fairy? Had the tooth fairy. Young... Del Zammett's childhood life. No magic. No magic. No magic.

Magical. Again, youngest of three boys, and between me and the middle child, there's like seven years. So there's just no magic. Hey, Joel Zammett, Santa's not real. I know. Why, older brother? Why you do this to me?

Not even, like, Santa's not real. It's like, hey, what do you want for Christmas that I, your mother, will buy you? All right. Nintendo 64. Nah. Damn. I got a 64 once for Christmas. Thanks mom yeah me too same yeah what a good christmas we're the same boy i think yes i remember once because like my birthday's in november it's really cool so it's very close to christmas birthdays are cool you're

right and so you'd be like i think one time i think i got like donkey kong country for the 64 on november i was, a whole fucking two months just playing that game. It's trash game, but yeah, good. I remember liking it as a child, but I'm pretty sure if I go back to it,

it's going to be trash. It's really bad. It's not trash. Don't listen to it. It's really bad. I really liked the whole Christmas because my birthday's in April. So from Christmas to April,

if I got a game console or something, for Christmas, April, I'd get a game. Yeah. That is good. And I'd be like, yeah,'d probably get a game. Yeah. That is good. And I'd be like, yes, it could top me up. Yeah. I'm trying to think what our traditions were with the tooth fairy.

I think, do you put in a glass of milk or just water? Mine was water and it would be like water and then I'd wake up in the morning and there'd be a gold coin. How much did you get? I remember once when I stayed at my grandparents' house, I got five bucks and my mom would have been filthy on that because she would have been like, he's now expecting too much.

It was always a gold coin, either a dollar or two dollars. I think I would get four dollars for a big tooth and a dollar for a little tooth. Oh, actually, yes. I once got a couple of gold coins and I was like, it must have been a sick tooth. And I remember speaking to my parents about it, being like, I got so much.

They're like, yeah, it was a really good one. Keep brushing your teeth. Well, that's interesting because that implies that the tooth fairy isn't just looking for teeth great like there are gradients no that makes sense actually amiga level tooth six bucks like remember you go to that like mountain dew mouth town where they're just like gross teeth yeah you don't want to you don't want to pay top dollar for there at all you might not even want to take them. Because it would be a glass of Mountain Dew. They'd wake up in the morning,

there'd be no tooth and no money because both are disintegrated. Yeah, they don't dissolve. Oh, it's just gross and dissolved. Well, never mind. Oh, well. Yeah, so I suppose if there are gradients of teeth, that means that she's...

Does that mean like... I like the idea, though, of like... Animal teeth? A tooth fairy's got to pay for the men in their own pockets are going into debt, but they're compelled to buy them. Anyway. Maybe they're like trading cards and they swap them amongst their friends. Maybe.

Or maybe it is like a grading thing. So you can be like, all right, look at the, you know, what's a fey name? Lafonyo. Look at Lafonyo's house. Look at Lafonyo's house. That's a fey name lafonyo look at lafonyo's house look at lafonyo's house that's a piece of shit over there they've got like mountain dew teeth whereas over there like have you seen face oh my god fucking best teeth in the land spent six bucks on this motherfucker pointing to her necklace of teeth which would be weighing them down because they're so dragging along the ground. 7.5 centimetres.

Yeah, but animal teeth, that's a good point. Well, I was just, I'm thinking, assuming that there wasn't a blood for gold, I mean, a bone for gold concordant and then they just want teeth because teeth are good. Then you assume that human teeth are trash. Go for like buffalo teeth. Those motherfuckers would be wacky.

Yeah. It's cool to imagine an entire tooth-based society where they have, like, jaguar teeth weapons and shit. Yeah, that would be kind of sick. Which is why I really do think it has to be a magical ritual. Because if they're the land of fae, they're all fucking magic up in their beers. So they would have to be using humanity's teeth

in their ritual magic stuff. The thing is, most fairies in your basic fairy folklore are tricksters. So what if they're just taking teeth as a laugh, and it's the parents. Parents do put the money down, but that's because they're like, oh god, my kid had his tooth taken by a fairy.

Fucking fairy's taking my kid's teeth. I gotta give him some money as compensation, because oh man. I've done a bad job taking my kids teeth I gotta give them some money as compensation because oh I've done a bad job protecting my kids from fairies I owe him a payout your grandparents were like no that's a fine dollar or is it kind of like the tooth fairy to be like

I'm gonna take your teeth I'm gonna leave you a gold because I just want you to know that I can get you at any time I will fuck you up I will move a chang time i will fuck you up oh maybe i will i will change i will move a changeling like i will swap you for a screaming devil baby yeah that's all right and like maybe the like the gold coin is there as like a a bit of a threat but a bit of a confirmation that i haven't this time the next time that you leave like like a tooth under there and you better give me teeth

if you don't want to and there's like no gold coin or there's something else like a silver coins like ah changeling baby oh that's a shame in the river in the river it'd be pretty funny if the tooth fairy leaves like chunks of gold and parents have just been swapping it for a gold coin and then cashing in at the bank cash for gold that's how cash for gold started you're like, I didn't think we were doing so well. How come I'm going to college now? Like, oh, I'll never tell. Mom, I'm eight. Mom, I'm eight.

Why am I going to college? I'm too young. I'll never tell. Mom, please. Nope. My lips are sealed. No, no. I mean, they wouldn't,

actually wouldn't do that much to the economy because everyone would be getting lumps of gold. That's true. The economy would be fine. It would just be the kids that get shit on. That's true. That's a shame. That is a shame.

They never want your adult teeth, fairies. Like, because at what age, normally, does one stop believing in the tooth fairy? It's usually before... Oh, I stopped believing before I lost my last teeth. Yeah, I think I did as well. Because I think what happens with your teeth and i might be wrong and almost certainly are um fuck well certainly rm yeah certainly rem certainly um everybody hurts sometimes and anyway uh yeah because i'm pretty sure that you lose most of your baby teeth between

like six and eight and then there's a gap and then you lose like back ones okay a little bit later yeah i think and the back ones are the ones you'd want as a tooth fairy they're the chunky boys you can make a skateboard out of them hard ones yeah i know i went to skateboard how's this well yeah who doesn't has this been happening forever, do we think? Since the Great Teeth War. Yeah, the War of Bones. Gold Tooth Concordant. Yeah, I suppose. No, I reckon humans were the bad guys in that war.

Whoa. Because we... Why would we be giving them gold? Why would they be giving us gold for their teeth if this was a truce where we were like... We'll give you teeth if you don't hurt us. Yeah, that's a good point. That's why I assume it's some kind of like...

Back in the day, there was an ancient ritual that we had to perform to get peace where it was like we give you blood or flesh or something some biological element of humanity and you give us gold and it's like not an actual exchange it's just like a symbolic thing and then over the years they were like people stopping believing in fairies we got to keep the tradition going somehow so that we say keep the world at peace let's start a tradition that fairies come they leave they take a tooth we give like they give us gold we give them a tooth everybody wins you know what i mean would it just be like look fairies if we give you our teeth and that was it and like you stop killing us we don't go to war but then it's kind of like

after a while we need compensation for this and then that's how the gold sort of came to town but how do if we're the we're the villains of the piece how does that work lucia well i feel like that what has probably happened is we've enslaved i feel like that it's probably based on yours but as in like we've then there might have been two wars of bones okay world war bones and world war bones to austral Bones 2 Australia won the first one nah the war of bones and the war of teeth yeah there you go so I feel like that we won the first war and then we've enslaved the

phase and then I feel like that there was an uprising and then we were like nah wait let's sort out a deal here let's strike a deal it doesn't make sense for there to be a war and then for one team because both

humans are benefiting more out of this but not in a way where if we won that wouldn't be what we would be going for so it would be more like if it was

a truce like a proper truce a proper truce the issue though however maybe I'm bringing too much reality into it is that it's always like

like it's like a coin of our it's not like it's like a coin of our it's not like a big coin like a fairy's it's why it comes back to my idea that they leave us gold and our parents are just fucking us which is why I think initially it might have been say, it's having a lump of gold or whatever, and now

this is just like the tradition maybe fairies have human maybe the fairies just have a deal with the mint where they're like, hey, just make us some gold to give for teeth Maybe fairies have human keepers. Maybe the fairies just have a deal with the mint. Where they're like, hey, just make us some gold to give for teeth and the government's in on it. Sound theory. I think I've pretty much got that down pat. Yeah, it's sort of hard to have some bullshit over here,

but like, hey, reality though. Yeah, exactly. It's still also two dollar coins and also you know well again and then maybe they've had to sort of modernify it now oh yeah so it's now like all right so we still have this sort of tradition uh so you know there's the tooth fairies who are you know dealing around say australia and they have all the two dollar coins this is you know tooth fairies in like canada and they've all the $2 coins. This is, you know, tooth fairy is in like Canada and they've got the loony and all that kind of

shit. So, yeah, I mean, maybe there's districts of the tooth fairy kingdom. Well, probably you're right. You're like,

you know what? Like our gold is more valuable, like in the fairy world. Like we've got pure gold up here. They just use coins with like, you know, 10%, not even like 0.1% gold in them

What if we just start using their coins We can just get in and out of their banks Yeah I'll just do that Because it's kind of just like less strain on the Fae Yeah Or maybe with the Fae Like even gold is like nothing to the Fae

Oh yeah And if they're magic Then you can just create it Yeah that's true Which means that any $2 coin you got from your tooth Was once worth a lot more So more so they came and fucked us again i think i'm about ready for another goddamn war so like the yeah the idea maybe because because i mean look at what a gold coin is or even what it represents it's like a mineral it's something that is made

and if you kind of go those old magical bullshit stuff like you can make something like that whereas a tooth is biological it's you know flesh and bone that kind of stuff yeah so harder to create and maybe that's what they want so i reckon it's definitely for a magical yeah i think you're right definitely like a magical talesman of some kind this whole episode has made me super aware of my teeth and it's stressing the fuck out of me okay like i'm looking over and i see you guys running your tongues along your teeth a little bit just being has made me super aware of my teeth and it's stressing the fuck out of me like i'm looking over and i see you guys running your tongues along your teeth a little bit just being like there they are that's what the fairies want yeah i'm like i've got wisdom teeth coming through and

they fit which is fine but they're sort of like halfway through so my tongue every time i touch them i was like that's not right so that's been happening a lot today uh every time i've been quiet it's just solely because my tongue has been Like in a knot Imagine though It was all like reality Yeah this is the case This is the case This is real The war of bones

The war of teeth What happened War of burns And so we give them The baby teeth And that's fine But then Going back to grave robbing

How good It's like We open up the graves And stuff And then like every single skeleton just has no teeth oh man

because the fucking because the fairies have pulled a goddamn dodgy with us and are just stealing the teeth of our young and old they roused us good

they roused us real fucking good and then we go to war but no this is a secret guerrilla war where we're like okay Timmy

give me your tooth. You put a little tiny bomb in it. And you put it under his pillow to go off when the fairy's a certain amount of time away from the detonator or whatever. The fairy's running late, blow your son's head off. That's why I was like, not make it time, but make it distance. So you're not just laying in bed and you hear a,

and you're like, I got him. I got him good. Oh my God. Timmy. My sweet angel. Where's your head gone? No, but distance. So you're like, the fairy's like, seek. And then you just blame it on the tooth fairy anyway. Tooth fairy blew up Timmy's head.

Let's go to war with him. Not too greedy, but all of my sons blew up his head. You'd use little Timmy as a figure head. Well, a figure. To be like. Imagine just like, head little Timmy as a figurehead? Well, a figure. Headless Timmy says yes. Join the war. You don't want this to happen to your Timmy.

Bite the face. How great is it to imagine somebody's window at night and you see it slide up and this little fairy fly out and then you just hear a... A little bit of blood rains down. Got another one Like a cat just like Batting its wings around Fuck you, Finn

You could bruise them, good Put little recording devices in the teeth So they take them Hide little soldiers inside them Yeah, good Sure I just remembered that my sister stopped believing in the tooth fairy because she didn't tell

my mom that she lost her tooth and just put it in a glass and my mom didn't know and then she woke up in the morning and just cried heaps it was good I guess the tooth fairy abandoned her that was always a good ruse I remember back when I was young and I was trying to find out if Santa's real

I was like I'm not going to write a list this year mum and dad, I'm just going to think what I want and hope he knows mum and dad would probably like you piece of shit that's a good idea tell me what you want Jack tell me what you want and we'll think it real hard I think she did do that

or I don't remember ever being like, this isn't what I wanted I was just like, I guess Santa got it generally right I remember just walking into my parents room and being like santa's not real lizzie and they were like what i was like it's okay and they're like no he's not i was like that's what i thought and then walked out sweet back to the nintendo 64 yeah so i reckon that's a pretty good solid theory there was clearly some sort of ancient war that happened between us two races. War of bones, war of teeth, and now the modern war.

And now the modern war. Modern warfare with bombs. Exactly. What are we going to call this one? The, the, the, the, the. The story's going to be like the Fae Wars. Let's just go with the Human-Fae Conflict because that sounds modern. The Fae Wars.

I like the Human-Fae Conflict. It makes me think of like actual marines the idea of actual marines like running train like something like like desert storm yeah like fey storm

or something like that the defeat of headless timmy the war yeah like war on fey like war on terror war on fey good oh man the terror

like the terror campaigns you could be like with the propaganda you could be about the fey oh man that'd be sweet they steal your bones. Do you like your bones? Put a cork in your wall, keep the fairies out.

Put a bomb in your teeth. Keep the fairies away. Oh, and the Fae is just uprising. Sick. Good. Alright. Well, on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson.

And I've also been Joel lock him in a safe protect him here's a plan when your kid is born pop him out straight away put him in a safe take your teeth out

put them in a safe keep your teeth safe mock my miss for the mess to your wife grandad has the right idea dentures forever It's really funny He doesn't like to see grandpa put his dentures in the glass By his bed

And a couple of fays just come in and steal them They're worth money Grandpa waking up 50 bucks He's like well It's not gonna get me new dentures Fuck you, fucking face. With beautiful wings and a necklace made of teeth, I think I saw the tooth fairy. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar,

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