Plumbing the Death Star - Why Does Your Snoke Theory Suck? (Feat. Steele Saunders)

Episode Date: February 5, 2017

In which our heroes get out the red pen, start circling screenshots and comparing them to other screenshots while wondering why your Snoke theory sucks.You can find all things Steele Wars at steelewars.com or Steele’s other podcast I Love Green Guide Letters at ilovegreenguideletters.comWant to help support the show?Patreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammitSteele: twitter.com/SteeleWars or twitter.com/SteeleSaunders Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. Sometimes it's the witch that's in the pudding. Do you love it when we get facts about fictional universes wrong that you have to email us in and point us in the right direction? Hell, why not listen to us get facts about this non-fictional universe wrong? Just search for Shut Up A Second on iTunes or wherever, and you can listen to us be wrong about a great number of topics, including birds, magic, and Elberts. Hey, everybody, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, in which we ask the important questions like, why does your Snoke theory suck? And welcome to the podcast, Steel. Hey, you guys.

It's good to be back on the show. Thank you. Sucking away with Snoke. Very exciting. So, Snoke, big Supreme Lord leader. Is that what it's called? Supreme leader, Snoke. I do believe.

That's just unnecessary hyperbole. Did he call himself that? He's already the leader. He doesn't need to be the supreme leader. Yeah, he's down at the pub just like, I am Snoke, but everyone calls me Supreme Leader, you know. Kylo Ren says, no one calls me that. Because it's kind of like the end of A New Hope where it's just the rebels giving themselves medals.

It's kind of like now the sort of First Order giving themselves titles, which I think is kind of cute. Supreme Leader's got some shades of Kim Jong-un a little bit there, doesn't it? Like he's Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un. He's got to go off track but you're dissing on the alliance the rebellions medal ceremony yeah they give themselves medals a little bit it's a little bit like i was in the crowd i'd be like of course you're giving yourself medals you're you your medal ceremony theory sucks can we start out with my favorite Snoke theory? Oh, no, no, no. Can we start at the start?

It's saying I'm going to make a call at the top of the podcast, but your Snoke theory sucks. I agree. I coined that phrase. I know. And if you want, I mean, you can always buy some merch. Where can you buy this merch, Steel?

SteelWars.com. There it is. But it's very weird. It blows me away that I started a saying. That's pretty amazing. It's something. Have you ever gone on any of the Reddit fan theories? Have I used all the different Snoke theories? No, I don't use Reddit at all.

They all suck. Very rarely. Unless there's, like, I see see a link tweeted and it's very appealing but the whole why why would i want to hear anyone else's opinion about anything no i mean that's a good point fair enough stuck in my ways i'm with you like have you met people so is our current assumption that snoke's just snoke like what they've said like we're just like he's just some fella we're down with that that's that sits right with uske's just Snoke, like what they've said? Like we're just like, he's just some fella. We're down with that. That sits right with us.

He's just a guy. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know how much you want to know. Oh, I've dealt. I've learned it all. Whatever. Okay.

Well, it's not really out there, but this is the thing. This thing that I think you should be able to consider with all your Snoke theories is that he is a seven and a half foot humanoid with long arms. Okay. So I think whenever you see, well, we haven't seen him in the flesh yet. And we haven't. You can't just say, oh, what about on the Death Star in the New Hope?

It's like, it's Grand Moff Tarkin fool. Yes. We'll get to that theory. Wait, there was, wait, what? What's this theory? Anyway, go on. Oh, yeah, there's the Tarkin theory. But, yeah, I work under the assumption that he is about seven foot tall,

seven and a half foot tall, and he's got longer arms than the normal human. Okay. So I would have to, if you're going to theorise that someone is Snoke, I also need you to give me a reason how they got stretched. Okay. Alright, alright. We're putting forward a Snoke theory, we also have to explain the, like, spaghettified nature of Snoke. Yeah, well, there's a lot of these theories where it's so ridiculous, like, the transformation a lot of these theories where it's so ridiculous,

like the transformation they would have to take. And I think one thing I do enjoy about the Snoke theories is red circles. Red circles around scars and noses. That is good. Corresponding red circles on the other photo. Because that's what says Star Wars fan nutbag when you start pulling out the red circles. Remember the red circles around Jyn Erso's gloves

and then the red circles around Boba Fett's gloves because if you both wear brown gloves, you must somehow be related. I think I'm getting a blood nose. Oh, man. You don't just go down to Galactic Bunnings and just pick up some gloves? No, no, no. Everything has to be related. What even conclusion can you draw?

Like, he has the same gloves? Therefore, they shop at the same intergalactic gap. He gave him his gloves? What? That's hot madness. That's what I thought. What do we know about Snoke? Because you're saying he's seven foot tall

What if he's a hologram? Most of that is Because we only see him as a hologram What if his elongated arms are meant to intimidate your basic human? It's like my arms are nowhere near that long Call me a fright From the movie, yeah But that's why you get the Star Wars expert scenes

Because maybe they know a little bit more than the average person. Tell us about the EU, maybe. There's no Snoke EU. Damn. That's the irony of where he was placed. Well, the other thing is, and this will come into play with a lot of the theories, he is force powerful because he feels the awakening.

Yes, yes, yes. So that's something you also have to use in your theory as well. Now, the seven-foot-tall long arm thing, you can debate. Yeah. You can say, hey, buddy, I didn't see that. What are you talking about? Yeah, yeah. But being strong with the force

you can't debate because with the conversation he told kylo ren there'd been an awakening so if he didn't feel it who told him yeah that's a good question that's a good point that's a good point uh and also he did seduce kylo at some point over to the dark side so i guess somehow in theory we have to explain how he met up with Kylo. Princess Leia does know of him, so clearly he's not just a hidden character. And she says his name really awkwardly. She sure does. It's a weird name.

It is a bizarre name. Snoke. Well, doesn't it mean some kind of fish? Isn't it a fish? It's a kind of fish. Don't look at me like I'm an idiot. It's like Swedish for some kind of fish? Isn't it a fish? It's a kind of fish. Don't look at me like I'm an idiot. It's like Swedish for a kind of fish. No, no, no.

Because when you said, doesn't it mean, I think you were going to say it means something good. No. No. Well, so. It's French for snapper. Of course. But it's like Finnish for like trout or something.

Oh, that's worse. I'm not even joking. It actually is. Which is so weird when you consider that like darth vader you know plague is like a plague i don't know how you pronounce it but like all of the other names have like quite a lot of meaning han solo fish maybe he's like uh one of the enemies of the is he really the supreme leader or just a big fish in a small pond?

Yeah, so I'm going to include fish. I'm just going to write, so he's seven foot tall, force sensitive, so you just color around to the dark side. That's the one. He's known in the galaxy, and then just fish, question mark, question mark. Also, isn't he like, he's seen the rise and fall of the Empire, so he's quite old. Where are you getting that from?

Didn't he say that, or am I making that up? I remember him being like, I've seen the rise and fall of the Empire. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but stick to the fish facts. That's what I know. Stick to what you know, Jack. Stick to what you know. Fair enough.

Maybe he didn't say that. I swear he said that, but I'm probably wrong. No, I think you might be getting confused maybe with Maz Kanata. Yeah, she does. She sort of says about all the evil things she's seen come and go. Okay. Rightio. Maybe he's not old.

Maybe he's young. You're getting your CGI confused. Oh, no. There are like only two CGI characters there. Okay. All right. So first theory, which I think is probably the most prevalent one, is that it is Darth Plagueis or Plagueis or Plagueis.

How are we going to pronounce that one? I do not know. I would say Plagueis. I would hazard a guess that Darth Plagueis was the original Snoke theory. Yeah, I would think that's fair. Because I was at San Diego Comic Con in 2016. I was at 2015 as well. But 2016, no, that was last year.

Yeah, 2015. I know, times have flashed. These Star Wars years are getting hard. So it was 2015 and they had the big J.J. Abrams panel, which was, let's be honest, one of the greatest days of my life, seeing Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher and Han Solo, Han Solo, Harrison Ford do Star Wars comedy on stage was fantastic. But one of the people, like, you know,

people ask questions at Comic-Con and stuff. So someone asked Lawrence Kasdan, is Snoke Darth Plagueis? And he replied. And this was the first time I'd ever really heard anyone think that Snoke was someone else. Because I think it was just even, it was just getting introduced. Because if you look back before the film, like, he was one of the big mysteries. Like I don't think they showed him at all.

Well, originally didn't they say he was going to be like a snake man? That is true. That is true. Yeah, he's going to be like a cobra guy. A lot of the stuff was before we saw the film was- Fish and reptiles. Yeah, it was. And it was all about like, I don't want to bring this up now,

but the Jar Jar Binks thing. Well, that's where I got the fish thing because that's how everyone was like, here's the fish. And also, like, he originally was going to be like a snake man with a cow. Yeah. Yeah. But, yeah, and I believe that they didn't even know when, oh, what is his name?

I'm blanking. Which one? The motion actor. Andy Serkis. Andy Serkis. Yeah, like he didn't even know what he looked like when he was acting it out. But so someone asked Lawrence Kasdan if it was Darth Plagueis and Lawrence Kasdan replied in his crazy Californian accent,

just went, who? Darth Vegas? Oh, sick. Darth Vegas. And I'd always wondered, was he just averting the question? Did he not hear him? Does he not know of him? And I've talked about it with a fair few people,

and the consensus is that he just heard wrong. No, but didn't know the name. So just went Darth Vader. So the Plagueis one is the original. The other thing with all these Snoke theories is does it make the film better or worse? So maybe we should analyse that for each one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Does it make the film better or worse? And, like, is there a point to it? Yeah, is it just unnecessary? Yeah, will it actually add to the story? And also, how hard will this plot twist be to explain in a movie? Yeah, that's a good point. And, you know, whilst listening to this podcast, you're in a bit of a little subculture.

The Star Wars films thrive off mainstream appeal. And if you can't get across how this character from, I don't know, when is it in the timeline, like 60 years before, is this person, this character that we've never seen, we've only heard about, and then is back in this other film. And you can't say, like, I'm on, you know, internet, like Facebook pages and that, and people say, oh, they're explaining a book, and it's like.

No, you can't do that. Books don't. You can't be doing that. No one wants to go read a book before I see a film. Yeah, you don't sell $2 billion worth of tickets with a film that you have to read a book to explain. So Darth Plagueis, the expanded universe character, because it's a weird thing with Darth Plagueis

because he's a canon character because he was mentioned in Revenge of the Sith. Yeah, during the opera bit, yeah? Yeah, and so the story is that Darth Sidious was taught by Darth Quagus and then Darth Sidious killed him in his sleep. But see, and then what happened was they wrote a book about him, which is rather exceptional, but then they did the transfer of the canon and all those previous books got wiped

so they can reintroduce characters as they see fit. So the weird thing is you've got this Darth Huygas character that's not in the film but is a canon character because he got mentioned in the film. You've got this backstory that doesn't count anymore. And in the backstory, his face is kind of long. He's not a human, is he? He's like a H, isn't it?

Like a H-W as in like U-U-N? Something like that? A H-W-N or something? That's good enough for me. He's got like a cone head or something. Yeah. He's like a pinhead fella. It's like in episode two,

before Obi-Wan starts riding that lizard thing. Yeah. It's those weird guys with the pinhead things. Kind of looks like that. Living in a hole. guys with the pinhead things. Kind of looks like that. Living in a hole. But without the pinhead things. Yeah. Stripes.

So what do you guys, I actually think this is one of the better ones. I agree. Like it is, it's. I think it's one of the better ones in that you're like, it's easy to accept. But like, you know, we were saying before, does it make the movie any easier? Any better? I don't think it does any of that. It's just, like, unnecessary.

Here's, like, a new bad guy that's not really a new bad guy. It's, like, force sensitive. Sure, sure. Seven foot tall, like, I mean, elongated limbs and stuff. He's, like, a pinhead. I'm with it. Alien thing. Sure. Yeah.

But it is kind of, like, why would he care so much about the Skywalker stuff when it was his apprentice that did all this bullshit? What's he trying to do? Well, that one I would say that, you know, the Sith's overall goal is to take over the galaxy. So it's not so much Luke Skywalker. It's more just taking over the galaxy. But I hate coming back from the dead.

Oh, me too. You know, and they, you know, in Revenge of the Sith, it said he had learnt, you know, that power to come back from the dead and all that sort of stuff. And this is what the EU got in the problem with the post-Return of the Jedi thing was, like, there was clone emperors and there was another clone. So many. Wasn't there, like, a bit, I was just reading about this earlier

because I was reading through Snoke theories in preparation. Not really a Snoke theory, but just a thing where like some imperial gods had voice clips of Sidious that they would just play to trick everyone in thinking he'd come back from the dead. There was like a whole book line about just rusing everyone to keep the empire going. They had some bit of strategy taken from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Yeah, exactly. Play the right voice clip, play the right hologram. You're like, we Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Yeah, exactly. Play the right voice, play the right hologram, you're like, we got it, he's still alive. I don't know, for me, if it is Plagueis, it's kind of an odd kind of, not arc for him, but some choices for his apprentice of Kylo Ren to be like, yes, I need you to worship that the guy who killed me in my sleep, piece of shit, his apprentice,

worship him? Yeah. It's kind of like, if I was Snoke, I'd be a little bit jealous and petty. Like, what's she doing? Stop that. Hey, hey.

Why not make him worship yourself? You heard this story about Darth Plagueis. He's real cool. Damn steps. There's Darth Vader bullshit. You know, he went back to the light after. Oh. I heard a word on the street he was pretty wise.

Yeah, that's what they say. Oh, yeah, and Kylo Ren does call Snoke wise leader. That's true. And it was Plagueis the Wise. That is the soul. No, no. I'm getting a red head from anger. When you do that sort of thing of like,

we called him wise and he was just plague us the wise. Yes. Because like, I love that because what are you meant to assume that Kylo's like, he's told me he's wise in the past because that was his name. So I'm going to use. Like, does he have to change? Do I have to go back and change the script? Oh, you're very perceptive, Smokey.

There's just no like, yeah. I just think it's like it wouldn't be that interesting if he was. Well, Star Wars fans have got, and Star Wars relies on it a little bit too much. It references something, so it's got to be good. No, no, no. And I think maybe, you know, one of the true challenges of the Star Wars, you know, story group and the team that put together all the stories,

I would love that, you know, that far back historical, you know, Knights of the Old Republic type deal because they're reference free and you can't rely on like there's comic books where it's like suck, suck, suck, suck, suck. Oh, this one talks about you know this thing in the film it still sucks yes so but it ref but people give this gravitas because it's this reference it's something that i like to call the idiot detective that lives in your head and when a movie references another movie that idiot detective thinks it's solved

a mystery and it's like yeah but nothing's really happened it's just mentioned a thing you know yeah but it always tricks that little idiot detective into thinking i know that thing has a yeah like like seeing captain america's shield in iron man everyone's like oh solved it that's captain america when really you've not solved anything you've just recognized a shield yeah it's the same solved it darth plagues no also another question to ask is why are they hiding their identity because why would snoke be hiding the fact that he's darth plagues because who is alive or cares enough if he's finally gets his big reveal like i am darth plagues is anyone going to be like oh of course or oh my god most of the guys knew what was going on yeah yeah because which guy that's right because snoke's been out there building up a brand name Of course, or oh my God. Most of the Jedi knew what was going on. Yeah. What? Which guy?

That's right, because Snoke's been out there building up a brand name. Do you know what I mean? He's got like all the Twitter followers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Instagram followers. And then, you know, change back to Plagueis. Exactly. Supreme Raider.

It's everyone. Branding, stationary costs. Oh, it's complicated and expensive. Got to change his Gmail. No, thank you. Especially Leia calls him Snoke. Yeah. But the only person that knows about Plagueis was Anakin.

Other people probably knew about it. He's probably in books or whatever. No, I think maybe he won't be because remember in The Phantom Menace, they were very shocked that the Sith were back. Yeah. So there's probably actually no trace of that to the general public or even the Jedi. And the Jedi are very much revisionists in terms of history.

Anything bad, they just sleep under the rocks and that didn't happen. So they just would have anything with Darth anything, just snip that out of the history books. Don't worry about that. It'll never happen. Nothing but peace and good times. So I would be extremely don't think it's, I would be extremely surprised if it's Plagueis.

Now that I think about it, I'm just going to say it's one of the worst ones because it would make the story worse because when you think about it, it makes no sense. No, no, dude, dude. The podcast is young. That's true. We're going to bring up, we're going to bring up.

Just waiting to hear my favourite. That's what I mean. The Plagueis one, it could be the best one. That's true. It could. Comparatively, I'd say it definitely is. Like, I can't think of any that I'm like, that's like, there are some that are maybe more reasonable,

but that one is the one that's like the least hurtful. But the whole thing of like bringing it, I don't know. It's like, what is there to be gained from going? It was that character that got talked about. I get it. He's solved it. Nothing's happened there. And just the idea of people coming back, you know,

and that is my thing with, you know, I'm sure you guys know that Darth Maul was in Star Wars Rebels and Star Wars Coin Wars. And I always argue that it should have just been his brother coming back for revenge because once you get like once you've got that coming back from the dead thing yeah it's like well you open the floodgate well who cares when anyone dies yeah yeah exactly i mean like you're in this place now we're like oh maybe you know han solver could come back and it's just like no he got killed i felt shit it was an emotional outage yeah and now let's move back. And it's just like, no, he got killed. I felt shit. It was an emotional outage.

And now let's move on. But if it's bouncing back and stuff. Could you get his body back? Like hands from wherever he fell? No, definitely not. That went boom. Starkiller boys. Oh, yeah.

Into a ravine. Which really sucks for like Leia and everyone. I was going to say, no body, man. At least Vader got a pile. Yeah. Anyway. which really sucks for like Leia and everyone yeah I was going to say no body man like at least you know at least Vader Vader got a pile yeah anyway

there's very rarely bodies in Star Wars that's true let's not forget I guess nobody wants to deal with like you know they always got the like we did it scene

and here's Han Solo's body somebody start the what do you call it when they cut it open fill it up autopsy autopsy

that's the one for the open casket. Got to make him look beautiful. But it was. I've never thought about this. Han Solo's death is a pretty sweet episode of the Itchy and Scratchy show. It's like stab, fall, kaboom. It's true.

Harrison Ford was like, not only do I want to die You gotta make sure that I am dead dead All they needed was that section of space To then get sucked into a black hole And then that black hole implode He's gone He's gone He's done

Alright so Plagueis What are we giving? What are the odds here? The odds are pretty Like they're kind of good It's like what? 10 or 1? As much as I don't like the? What are the odds here? The odds are pretty good. It's like what, 10 to 1? As much as I don't like the theory, I think the odds of it are good. Yeah, that sounds good.

All right, so I got 10 to 1. It's Plagueis. Before we go into- Yeah? I don't know about odds. I'd like to give them a grade. All right, I'll give them a grade. Yeah, already.

I'll give that one a C minus. C minus. Okay. Good. Before we go into other people's theories, can I'll give that one a C minus. C minus. Good. Before we go into other people's theories, can I just put forward my theory? Yeah.

That it's someone new that maybe just sort of failed the Jedi Academy and was just drinking at a bar and real bitter, and then, like, prize pupil Kylo Ren came along, and he's just like, you know what sucks? Lightside. Let's get him. Or if he's at the bar, he'd be like, there you know what sucks? Lightside. Let's get him. Or if he's at the bar, he'd be like, there you know what I'm sick of. Lightside.

I am goddamn Skywalker. Oh, you're Skywalker. No, you're one of them solos. You're all right. You're pretty good. So I reckon that, I almost want to put that one out there. Yeah, I already know. Just to kind of...

Disenfranchise. It had me until the bar scene. It was the bar scene. Does he get bumped into by recurring cameo Ponda Barber? Of course. Ballsack face and ugly man, yes. To be fair, if they turned up in every subsequent movie, it would all be forgiven.

I just assumed they were on some glorious road trip, and that would make it okay. They were like the Rosencrantz and Guildenstein of Star Wars movies. Yeah, alright. Yeah, that's all I have. Bit of a Jay and Silent Bob. Yeah, exactly. What are they up to this time?

I'd hate it, but I'd accept it. Yeah. I don't know if I have a theory yet, because of, like, if I come up. Yeah. I don't know if I have a theory yet because of, like, if I come up with one, I'll say it. It is interesting that Princess Leia does know him and was, you know, was Snoke involved with the Jedi Academy? Maybe he had, like, a sister school, like another university, and maybe there was, like, a budget thing where it was like,

oh, we have to close the school. We just don't have enough budget for you. I'm so sorry. And he's like, but I want to teach. That's it. I'm off to the bar. I'll take your students. I'll show you.

He's too old to have been a former student, surely. I mean, who knows? Maybe he was taking them from all ages. There's no rules. Maybe he was a mature age student. You don't know. Because he does seem bitter about the whole operation. Imagine a mature age Jedi student.

That's funny. Annoying. And it's like, today we're going to build our lightsabers. I built mine last week, sir. Piss off. And Paisley's got a big scar on his face, and everyone's going to mock him about that, especially the young Jedi.

They're always cruel. They'll make fun. Kids can be cruel. Well, there is lots of scar theory. Yeah, scars are where you're. And, you know, there's a lot of red circles and stuff going on. But there is the, you know, the sort of splinter theory of Snoke, which sort of fits in with yours,

that he was involved with the Jedi Academy in some way, and Luke Skywalker gave him that scar when it got real. Sorry, guys. I'm liking my sister, like twin universities going on, bit of an inter-university rival and things just getting a bit of there. I mean, like if we're giving it odds, you're not high. I'm giving it a D+. D+. D+.

It's all right. It's all right. All right. Well, let's go for the other Snoke theories. Yep. Vader's back. I'd say that was, like, the next highest up one you get, like, you hear the most.

Vader's back. This time he's Snoke. Mostly people just, it's scars and red circles. They're like, that's a similar scar to where Vader had. Oh, fuck. Imagine that tie. Imagine that tie. Vader's back. This time it's scars in red circles. They're like, that's a similar scar to where Vader had. Oh, fuck. Imagine that tie. Vader's back this time. It's snow.

Star Wars, The Last Jedi. Vader's back this time. That is your scrolling, you know, your opening scroll. Vader's back. This time he's snow. But that's, I hear that one a lot. I see that one all over the shop. I want to give that one an F straight off the bat.

But we'll go through it. Force sensitive. Yeah. Okay. Checks out. Checks out. Elongated limbs and stuff. Doesn't check out.

But he could be using the technology to kind of, again, make people off-putting. For some reason, hiding himself. Why would he be hiding himself? He doesn't want them to know. Okay, well, one thing with Vader, Snoke's got hands. That's true. Good point. But again, it could just be all like

hologram bullshit. It could just be like Wizard of Oz style. I don't think you can go into... I think you have to judge the hologram. You can't think that he's been down to the practical joke shop and he's got dummy hands.

And he's got a whoopee cushion to prove that his intestines still work. Can you not like i don't think the star wars universe you can't wizard of oz that shit i think like no there could be the theory like and there is theories that like he's like yoda size yeah and that's why he's driving up but i think once you start like you know he he puts on the limbs and stuff to cover up his cut off limbs limbs. Because he has got a hand, like a flesh hand. It is an organic hand. He's not rocking gloves that Boba Fett or Jyn Erso gave him. So I think while you might be able to Wizard of Oz it,

I think it would be a lot of bullshit to swallow for the audience. But this is the extra thing. This is the trap you fall into. Yeah. And it's just like, what if he was wearing a mask and had a voice changer? Hang on. What if he was using CGI? No, but it's true because it's like the death thing.

The moment you're like, what if he's visiting a boss? It could be anyone. Yeah. Like literally any character within. Think about it. Well, it's Andy Serkis so it could be anyone do you know what I mean like if it's him so I think we have to take yeah that it looks like the person who is being presented to us size could be varying like he might be like tiny I'll

be very happy because like not a threat anymore at all you'd be pissed off when you saw it at the end. The thing is, though, about him being tiny. Yeah. If, you know, I sort of hope for a sweet confrontation with Snoke and someone one day, maybe in episode nine. And I don't want him to be tiny. I want him to be big. I want him to be that size. Yeah, I want him to be a gnarly boss.

I don't want him to be the 15-foot thing. But imagine people fighting his legs. My seven-and-a-half-foot theory fits in just nicely. We can go big. Not ridiculously big, Jack. Everyone's allowed their own opinions. So I think Vader is a bad guy. No, this show is about how people aren't allowed their own opinions

because we gave them that privilege, they exploited it, they ruined it, and now we're here to try and fix the wrongs. So I think Vader is dumb. Yeah. It's probably worse than Genghis. The main Vader theory I hear is that Vader, Anakin Skywalker, is a reincarnation of – Rey is a reincarnation of Anakin Skywalker.

Now, this is the thing where you have to look into, like does it make the film better? No. No. It doesn't. It hurt me. And then the real life, like the actual We Live on Planet Earth and Disney Corporation's A Billion Dollar Company

that wants to make more billions of dollars, who in 2015 received a lot of praise with presenting this amazing role model who is a girl, who's a role model for boys and girls, and who I absolutely adore. I love the character of Rey. So you've made this big thing of, like, this new age Jedi who's a girl and is, you know, such a role model for girls and boys everywhere. And then the big reveal is it was a dude all along.

It's like the opening scene, I think it's of Chasing Amy, where they talk about Vader being, like being this big black guy in the universe and he takes the reveal. He's like a pasty old white man. And then the big reveal, this strong-haired woman is, pasty old white man. You're like, good. We did it, guys.

We did it again. Yeah, that'd be dumb as shit. Also, then reincarnation is happening, which is kind of another version of bringing back from the dead. Yeah. Is that just like Anakin's ghost or Force ghost is kind of another version of bringing back from the dead. Yeah. Is that just like Anakin's ghost or Force ghost is just popping around being like, I'm bored now. Oh, I'm going to go on that baby.

I see what happens if I hop in here. Good. Yeah. Oh, no, let's hope not. Plus, then you're just telling the same story again, basically, this time with a girl. Yeah. You know what I mean? You're just doing like.

Also then falls to the dark side, start killing kids. Oh, it's happened again. Maybe we're the problem. That's what the rest of the bloody Star Wars universe got to start thinking. See, the thing with that would be, that would crush me. It'd be bad. Not even if, let's separate Anakin Skywalker and Rey, but if Rey turned to the dark side, that would be really brutal because the thing about the prequels was we were watching it

the whole time knowing, so it wasn't a shock. So we've never actually seen in a movie, you know, that, well, we have seen, we've seen Anakin Skywalker, but we knew. It's pretty surprising. Yeah, yeah. We knew it was coming. Yeah, there was no secret about it, but that Yeah, yeah. We knew it was coming. Yeah. There was no secret about it, but that would.

I think it'd just be stupid. Like, if it happened, you'd just be like, why? What are you doing? Just keep a character to good. Oh, see, I hope I was. Come on, Dan. What I'm hoping is happening is that maybe it doesn't go to the dark side, but goes towards, like, because you know I love me a great Jedi. You're a great Jedi fan.

It sort of goes towards the middle and be like, you know, a little bit of good, a little bit of bad, a little bit of bad, a little bit of good. You know that kind of stuff? A bit of balance. The yin and yang. Yeah, I'm with you. There's no such thing as Grey Jedi.

It wasn't a nice little problem. So what are we giving the odds of Vader is back this time he's smoke? That's an F. Yeah, that's an F. We'll call that a straight up F. That's the grade there. I'm not giving it a grade, but I'm still calling it an F. Yeah, that's an F. We'll call that a straight up F. That's the grade there. I'm not giving it a grade, but I'm still calling it an F. What did you get, like, not completed?

Like, when you just weren't graded? I know my F stands for something else. This is like, oh, you didn't even write your name on the form. Well done. I give it an F. Who's next? So Mace Windu is thrown around for some reason. Now, he is my favorite theory, but it's stupid as shit.

All right, here we go. So Mace Windu, an African-American man in the Star Wars universe. Where they are few and far between. One of the most dedicated and celebrated Jedi of the Republic gets slain down without mercy, betrayed by Anakin Skywalker, who turned to the dark side and also trapped by Darth Sidious, a dark side user,

gets sent off into the Coruscant night without an arm, presumably to be fried on the way down by the Force lightning, no doubt killed by the giant fall. Betrayed by an evil man and a confused boy. He comes back. And a confused boy. He comes back. And as vengeance, he's an evil man.

Yes. Fighting the Jedi. Yep. Trying to get them to betray each other. Yeah. The very thing that killed him. Yeah. What is this man's motivation? It's very simple, you see.

You're pissed off because you've been killed by Anakin. Ah, dang it, he got me. Oh, you got me, Anakin, and if you can't beat him, join him. Am I right? Am I right? Am I right? You want to teach a kid who worships the guy who killed you. Oh, and the other thing, right?

If you've got a name as dope As Mace Windu I'm going to change it to Snoke Maybe he's a fish enthusiast Also trying to imagine The actual sequence of events To get to a point where you could Find Han Solo's son

Like Imagine The other thing is How does the blackest man become the whitest man Just imagine this like imagine imagine the other thing is like how does the blackest man become the whitest man just imagine this right

force lightning the pigmentation episode 9 for some episode 8 or 9 for some reason opens the flashback of like everything

from Mace Windu's perspective just falling out of a window fucking lightning's going everywhere he looks at his hands they go charred white and then it just goes from there then suddenly he wouldn't we fucking hate that Lightning's going everywhere. He looks at his hands. They go charred white.

And then it just goes from there. Wouldn't we fucking hate that? He hits a stop sign on the way down. That's how he gets a scar down the side of his face. And it's all to a montage of Back in the Mirror by Michael Jackson. Perfect. I love it. I love it.

Perfect. And he's like, I'm going to find Han Solo's boy. I'm going to put weird ideas. And raise him wrong. Raise him wrong. Yeah. Perfect. You know that character I have no knowledge of? That's my plan.

That's for some reason my plan. That is legit the worst one. It is so dumb because the motivation. I don't know. We're not done yet. Nah, there's nothing dumber than Honorable Jedi gets betrayed by evil man. So to get back at them all, he's now the evil man doing the exact. Like there is no motivation.

So when you think about, when we're talking about like, does it make the films better? No. I am done. That's it. Fucking sum me up. I'm a track boy now. I don't care. Give me track. Yeah, there am done. That's it. Fucking sum me up. I'm a track boy now. I don't care.

Give me track. Car! Yeah, there we go. I'm all about that. Klingons, sure. Are they going to make a Babylon 6? One can only hope. What I really like about that is that, like, Samuel L. Jackson

is not an insidious spooky man like Snoke is. Oh, you haven't seen those gambling ads he's in. He's in gambling ads? Is he telling me not to gamble? Or telling me to gamble? No, he encourages it because he's obviously short of cash with the seven movies he does a year. But I just can't imagine that scene where it's revealed to be Mace Windu

and Samuel L. Jackson has to somehow like convey the same character of snoke i just don't think it's in his wheelhouse and i think it'll be amazing to see it would be an amazing prank oh like no like if you if you if you had like a prank show or something you just got snuck no no no you you like got some show or something. You just got snuck. No, no, no. You like got some Star Wars fans in just before episode nine and you said, hey, we're going to do a – Oh, yeah. We're just going to do a test screen of this film.

And then you sort of like let them leak it to them that it's Star Wars, but they're not meant to know. So they're like, oh, this is going to be episode nine. This is going to be the best. And then you just got a fake scene where it's revealed. You can get Samuel L. Jackson in this. He'll do it. This prank show that we've got is very successful.

We've got a huge budget. Celebrities love getting involved. It's all part of the fun. And there is a reveal that, Snoke, I would pay to see my reaction to that. I don't know what I'd do. It's one of those things where I say, oh, that's it, I'm out. But I would like to think that I would stand up,

I would curse at the screen, and I would bid this franchise adieu. I would be like, what an elaborate and brilliant prank. Over the course of X amount, to get to this point, I'd be clapping. I'd be so happy You got me Well done

Well done you war of star But again Going back to Plagueis The idea of like Who knows about Mace Windu Again Who in this generation Yeah

Knows it Finn don't know Rey don't know Even Leia don't know Yeah Luke You don't know either It is that thing of know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Luke, you don't know either, actually. It is that thing of like, I am Mace Windu.

Everyone. Huh? I thought you were Snoke. No. No. I was being Snoke. Are you still the Supreme Leader, though? Supreme Leader Mace Windu.

You know what? This did not go how I imagined. Because as soon as that's revealed, again, if it is, no one is alive from then to care. It's got to be, the twist is that Snoke is someone else. It has to be someone that everyone will be as shocked as the audience is meant to be. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Oh, I'd be shocked. Oh, me too. But the people in the universe is meant to be. Yeah. You know what I mean? Oh, I'd be shocked. Oh, me too. But the people in the universe is going to be like, huh, what? Excuse me? Sick lightsaber though. Did you kill a Jedi?

I was a Jedi. What? A new lightsaber, purple? That's strange. What's the in-universe explanation for his purple light? Because I know the only reason it's happened in the movie is that Samuel L. Jackson's like, I want a purple one. And they're like, sure.

The new canon story behind it is that the kyber crystals, the crystal inside the lightsaber. Oh, yeah, kyber crystals, they're enjoying their time in the sun now. Yeah, they're about. They're the Rebecca Black of Star Wars items for this month. They react to the user. Yeah, okay. So that sort of adjusts.

So Mace Windu was just purple? Okay. You've got a good aura of purple. There you go. Sure. Nah, sold. I'm there. I'm with it, sure.

So I think Mace Windu, worst theory? An out? Less than an out? Less than a Vader? I think Vader's more stupid. Tearing up that paper and throwing it in the... Yeah, no, I would say it is worse than Vader because although Vader did come back to the light side at the end,

which, you know, if it was Vader, that would really null and void the ending of Return of the Jedi. Change your mind again. Yeah, I know. Stick with it. But you could sort of say,. Change your mind again. Yeah, I know. Stick with it. But you could sort of say, oh, he came, you know, he got dragged back in, you know, it's like Godfather 3. Yeah, yeah.

But with Mace Windu, it is just such a flip-flop of what the character was about. It's just Mace Windu, you can't imagine the amount of decisions to get to that point on the part of the people making the film. You know, somebody writes that somebody okays that and they're filming that and everyone like agrees that this is a good decision going forward.

Yeah. I would say that gets an F and we also bring back capital punishment. Although now I'm thinking about like like, the whole Vader theory again. And if we go about reincarnation and all this kind of crap, I've got another dumb theory. Yes. First is we're going to take a trip down X-Men lane. Sweet.

Okay. So how much do you know about X-Men? I love that place. Fatal Attractions. God, X-Men lane is nice. Whatever. Anyway. So Xavier wipes Magneto's mind.

Sure. Right? Got him. So he goes up to the asteroid, wipes his mind. When's this? This is like in the 90s. Okay. I don't know what happens in the movies.

This is comic book stuff. So there's one with the foil covers. I want to say, I think it was called Fatal Attractions from Memory. Anyway, so he wipes his mind. He's like, Eric, I'm done with this bullshit. You did bad. Booped his mind, wiped it. And then Magneto's now this mindless husk.

Booped his mind, wiped it, and then Magneto's now this mindless husk. And then what happens is all the bad parts of Magneto entered Xavier's mind, corrupted him, and he became a creature called Onslaught. Yes, yes. And then they separated and Onslaught took over the world for a bit. So it's your theory that... So. So. Yes.

the world for a bit. So is your theory that- So. So. Yes. If somehow when Vader died, the good part of Anakin went and became a force ghost. Yeah. But the bad part of Anakin somehow just traveled the ether.

In my mind, they didn't seal the coffin properly. And when he was dying, it just one- Just leaked out. Leaked out. Yeah, you get it. She's Tupperware. There is the concept drawing of that they, it's weird because when they did The Force Awakens, they did all these concepts without a story.

Like they said, just imagine what happens after Return of the Jedi. Go draw some stuff. So there is an image of Anakin and it's sort of like the ghost is bouncing back and forth. I have seen that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's very interesting, that Art of Force Awakens book, because they did do that thing where it was like,

just draw whatever you want. What do you think is going to happen? That's kind of a fun idea. Like it's a good way to source inspiration, you know? Yeah. There's some really kind of disappointing things that aren't in the movie, like just massive Jedi battles on the side of a blown-up Star Destroyer and stuff like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, so maybe just all the things that was bad and evil about Anakin went into the charred body of, let's say, Palpatine. Wicket. I know. Yeah. Oh, Wicket, the little Ewok fucker. Yeah.

Popped in. He's baddie now. He was close by. Well, that's where he got burnt. Yeah, no, that's true. I had a, one of my favourite things about Star Wars and these new films coming out is seeing these clips and, you know, you sort of make up your own little story about where it is. And I had a lot of them didn't come true. But one of my theories was, you know,

when Kylo Ren's walking through the snow and he ignites his lightsaber, I thought he was on Endor going to get the helmet. Yeah, yeah. Because it's like in the forest and stuff. I remember reading something similar, like the snow's not snow, it's ash or something like that. Yeah, because of the nuclear fallout. Yeah, yeah.

That would have been cool. That would have been cool. Oh, man, all like irradiated Ewoks. Yes, please. Hey, hey, hey. I've got no problem with Ewoks. Those guys rule. Those guys took out so many goddamn stormtroopers.

I know. Why aren't they the army? My other one i remember that didn't come true was that the hand padding r2 was going to be princess leia i thought that'd be a good twist that you know that it would totally juxtapose the character and she'd be a jedi by now yeah yeah yeah she'd know become a jedi and um yeah that maybe that's her and she's been in battles and stuff. That would have been cool.

Oh, man, that would have been good. Anyway. Okay. So, yeah, so next theory. Next theory is Thrawn, Grand Admiral Thrawn. Well, he's rocked up in Rebels. He's making, he's a Snoke now to get more power so he can stop the Yang Vong from the other galaxy. The Yang Vong.

Yang Vong. Yang Vong. Yang Vong. He's blue. from the other galaxies? The Jahungvahung? Jahungvahung? Jahungvahung. He's blue. Yeah. Yeah, he's odd looking. He kind of doesn't look the same, but you could say they look similar.

So, like, maybe as he ages, he, like, loses his pigment in his skin. Yeah. And he got off the bong, so his eyes aren't so red anymore. Well, when you're a hologram, you look greyer. Why do you think it's black and white? Yeah, you look grey in a hologram generally.

It dulls the tone. Like a camera adds five pounds, a hologram takes away pigment. It's one of those things. You know, you desaturate blue enough, it gets greyish. It's strange because traditionally in Star Wars, the holograms make people look bluer. That's a good point. True.

Hasn't the technology... The technology went too far to turn back time, turn back that blueness. Yeah, yeah. Everyone was like, colour freaks everyone out. No, thank you. Black and white only. Let's go back to that.

I always love with the holograms in Star Wars that none of them are working properly. They're always glitching out just a little bit, and that's really good. Makes me imagine they're just like a TV nobody can quite, like it's like everybody's basically got it working. Yeah, it's fine. It does the trick.

It'll do. I had to think the droids can do it perfectly. They're just pissing everyone off. They're just like, fuck you. But they don't really make sense, the holograms. When Princess Leia gives the message to R2-D2, R2-D2 would film it from the front. Yeah, I know.

So it would be like she'd be bending down. Yeah, with her face. You're right. But then when she projects the hologram, someone's filming it down the hall. Yeah. Maybe it's nanites? Like that thought actually totally ruins Star Wars.

And it ruins it in the best way from the start of the film. Like it really, like from there everything just breaks apart and it's falling away yeah it's that like look at your face gotcha yeah who was filming i just assume it's like he r2's like cloud and our knights take the photo sucks him back in i guess it's kind of like when you realize like who heard him say rosebud? Yeah, exactly. Good point. Who did hear him say Rosebud? Weren't there people there listening?

I think so. Yeah. Hey, while I got you here, I've always had beef with the 80-80. Can we talk about it? All right. Oh, man, I thought you were going to, like, have a go at me. No, no, no. It's just you're, like, a wealth of knowledge.

This is something I've never understood. I was like, yes, step up. Take me down. How is the AT-AT in any way an effective vehicle? It's huge. It's cumbersome. It's only got guns on the front. Why not just have the head?

You can wrap up its legs. They take them into the forest later. That has got to be the worst place for a vehicle like that. Do you know why they took it into the forest? Why? So Kenner could sell more adats in 1983. Because they spent so much money making them old and stuff. Well, if that's why, that's fine.

But I just think it makes the Empire look bloody stupid. Because you think about it, they're not featured in the film just from that scene. That's true. And it was just so they could keep selling those. Imagine trying to turn that. Imagine you're down like a little tree alley and you're like, fuck it, we've got to get out and just leave this.

No, no. This is what I worked out about the Adults is you put them down, right, and if you don't aim them right, they can't turn. So when they come down from the start of the story, however they get dropped off, like if you're't aim them right, they can't turn. So when they come down from the starter straight, however they get dropped off, like if you're like two degrees off, they'll just walk past the rebel base and they're like, we can't. So you've really got to line them up.

They seem like all of their vehicles. What's the walking one? AT-ST. AT-ST. That seems dumb to have in a jungle when they're fighting the Ewoks. Sticks, a log, even a speed bike. No, but that's the walking one? AT-ST. AT-ST. That seems dumb to have in a jungle when they're fighting the Ewoks. Sticks. A log. Even the speed bike.

No, but that's the thing. That's the thing. That's the message of Return of the Jedi. The Empire don't know what they're doing. No, but it's like hemorrhaging money. The Ewoks are a metaphor for the Viet Cong. Yeah. And the Viet Cong came...

The American military had all the technology in the world, but the Viet Cong knew the land and had spirit. That's true. The Ewoks have moxie. Plus, I guess it's not going to notice two big logs coming from the side. No. But, like, you'd think that they would even just have realised that maybe they should build a few things for different terrain.

Yeah. Speeders. Because that was a dumb thing. They go like one speed too fast. You can't stop one quickly. If you see a tree and you're on it and you've still got like half a kilometre, you're like, ah, I'm dead. It's kind of like a Commodore with P plates.

It's a mess. Anyway, more Snoke theory. Yeah, there is a point where you just go, but they're adults and they're sick. Yeah, well, maybe. Not for me. For me, I'm like, design something that's practical too. Yeah, but when you're watching Empire Strikes Back,

it's like, oh, what's the strategic deploying of this army? I don't think it's right. It's like, nah, dude, there's giant robot dogs coming from these people. No, that's all right. See, for me, it was more the Rogue One, which was like where they come from the beaches. Like, they're big things to attack in artillery. Why do you have them defending your base?

That's stupid. But they're clever to have in the sea. I'm for that. How are they clever to have in the sea? A boat's clever to have in the sea. Okay, now that's fair. Have a boat. The thing with the ACT's in Rogue One is their cargo,

they're moving cargo. They've got the orange stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? What is it? What are they moving? Kyber crystals. To where?

They're not. The actual, I think the actual reason is, was originally there was going to be kyber crystals on that planet. So they said, oh, we'll have these with the cargo things. We'll be able to spruce it up. And then the story changed around and there's no kyber crystals on that planet anymore. And because the whole thing when people were speculating about it all

and stuff, oh, yeah, they've got to get those AT, ACTs, because they've got the kyber crystals in them and stuff. And then when they changed it, it's just like, yeah, they're just cargo. And I actually asked, I don't know if you guys know, do you guys know Pablo Hidalgo? He's one of the story group guys. He's one of the executives at Lucasfilm that tries to mesh everything together.

So I asked him about that. I said, oh, so what's up with that? And he said they're to transport weed, which to me says, you've sort something with that. And he said, they're to transport weed. Which to me says, you've got me on that one. So I'm going to come up with a snarky reply. Oh, man. Emperor just fucking blazed. That makes more sense.

Send down the robot dog in the forest. We'll be fine. Shit, that one's mad. Look at him fall over. Shit, I love that robot dog. Put it down. All right. Next. Snoke theories. Thrawn. We're just chucking that in the bin. Yeah. I love that robot dog. Put it down. Alright, next. Snoke theories.

Thrawn, we just chucking that in the bin? Yeah, straight away in the bin. No force power. Boo. Got no reason to... Chatting to Han Solo's son does not somehow get you enough power to fight the Fang Wang. Whatever, the V. They're from another galaxy.

They're mad at everyone. They like hurting themselves and hate technology. I would also look at Thrawn. He's a strategist. He studies the other side, studies their art. But Snoke's just like, yeah, just blow up five planets. Like really cunning strategy, that one. You're really keeping them guessing.

Yeah, that's a good point. Like, oh, the planet's about to explode. You better come here then. Oh, how does he think of these intricate plans? Also, again, that big reveal, like, I'm Thrawn. Who cares? Yeah. Whom?

Who? What? You ever see Star Wars Rebels? I was in that. Like, we're a bit now closer to people who might be alive to go like, ah, yeah, I remember you. But it still means nothing. No, no, no.

All right. Jar Jar Binks. Because it had to turn up at some point. I like the Duff. I love it too. I love the Duff. It's right. Jar Jar Fury.

Fuck. Why is he mouthing along with other characters dialogue in the Phantom Menace it's so strange like I'm not like I really do I won't fight for the theory but I wanna know why

like I would love I would love nothing more if George Lucas came out and was like actually yeah like I did plan not being a Darth

whatever but he definitely had ulterior motives. He was being a dickhead. No. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Jar Jar is the key to all this. Jar Jar is the key. Do you know why his mouth's always moving?

So there was this theory someone- People come up with these theories to totally change Star Wars, like to say that, you know, R2-D2 was, you know- He was the hero of the- The evil- Oh. He is a hero. He is a hero. No, he can-D2 was, you know. He was the hero of the. Oh. He is. He is a hero.

No, he can't have tried to be a hero. But the whole thing with Jar Jar was like working on the, you know, on the inside for evil and stuff and how his mouth was moving and stuff. It's like his mouth was moving because the animators just had to keep, they couldn't leave things alone. Like they couldn't just go. Jar Jar never stops moving. Like so actors, human actors, when they're listening to someone else

in the background, they stop because that's what people do. Yeah, yeah. Jar Jar's never stopped flopping around or looking or juggling. The animators just couldn't just go, yeah, I'm just going to chill. It's like. I don't show off my animators. It's like 1. 135 on Friday. I can just keep making him stand there.

I don't even have to do anything. I'll just keep using the same shot. But no, we've got to make him lick his lips and look around and check his watch, update his Instagram, all that crap. Taking a lot of selfies, that Jar Jar. Snoke, fish Fish Gungan Dickhead Boss Naz

Lost a lot of weight It's like a royal jelly kind of thing Yeah with the Gungans Like one becomes chief They feed him a lot He gets real fat That's how that goes down I assume

That's what I always assume That seems to check out Either raw jelly Or just when you're the king You're like Whatever Give me the best caviar He looks nothing like

The rest of the Gungans He does look nothing Like the rest of the Gungans He's like a frog At all Jeez Literally I assume it must be

Like a silverback gorilla Or a locust Or something Nah Because I was like Nah The movie just got fapper Nah

He looks nothing Like the other Gungans Completely different. Could be different species. Who knows? Your boss nest theory sucks. Let's go through our checklist for Jar Jar, because we do have a checklist.

Force sensitive, if you believe in the Jar Jar theory, I is. Yes. He does know about the Mesa power for the force. Is that what he says? Oh, no, Maxi power? I think it's, yeah, Maxi power for the Force. So let's make that a maybe. Hey, that's right up there with do or do not, there is no try.

That is as poignant. Elongated and gross looking? Yes. Yes. He's got long arms. Gungans. Different hands. But he's ears. He's got ears. He tucks. No, but He's got long arms, Gungans. Different hands. But he's ears.

He's got ears. He tucks. No, but he's got ears. Cut him off and moulded him. Doesn't he just have- Oh, no, he does have little ears, doesn't he? Because that was actually- Little bad ears.

When I saw the Force Awakens for the first time, because I kept the image secret of what Snoke was going to look like, the first time I saw him, my instant Snoke theory was that he was a Yoda. Oh, that's cool. But then when I was – I remember in the cinema just going, oh, my God, it's the same as Yoda. And then I was like, show it off his head. And then they showed it and there was no – yeah, Glittle Ears.

And I was just like, oh. I would have been mad if he was a Glittle Ears. It must be Mace Windu. Solved it. I actually got out of my seat, almost got kicked out of the cinema. So I went up to the screen and started drawing red circles. You're like the island projector. Freeze frame.

Freeze frame. Freeze it here. Freeze it here. What is that next on our checklist? I'd say just the reveal. The reveal? Nobody really knows. Does anyone know who Jar Jar is at this point?

All right. What about let's look at it in a let's really waste the $4 billion we spent on Star Wars. Yeah. Like what would be the easiest way to ruin the franchise yeah let's take that final swan dive get their hopes up real high and then just plummet but i think that bloody no a swan dive with a flip yeah i think the the cynical just disney coming idiot star wars sucks mickey mouse forever but i think the cynical, idiot, detective-loving,

millennial generation would be fucking all over. The generation that has turned Jerry Seinfeld's inexplicable Pat Project B-movie into something to be very much celebrated would eat their shit over Snoke being Jar Jar Binks. That would tick all of their boxes. Oh, man, I just realised you're allowed to swear on this podcast. I've been holding in. Oh, fuck, go nuts.

Oh, fuck. That Mace Windu theory is so fucking bad. Oh, my God. Just work on your yoga and eat your own dick. It's such a bad theory. I think Jar Jar would make it worse, although for a certain subset better. Yeah, I think for like a significant portion.

Nah, dude. You know the start of Terminator 2 Judgment Day and like they're all having a nice day in the park and then Linda Hamilton gets melted? Yeah. Yeah, that's the effect that would happen in the cinema. Yeah, you just see the audience in front of you melt away. And then once you know what was coming,

the girl next to you you'd sort of look at longingly and then you'd hold hands and then you'd hug. And it would be like you're going to kiss, but then the blasted you. Perfect. Just shadows in the cinema. And then just like three people just stand up and clap. Just fucked out of view.

Oh, man. So what are we giving that? What's our grade for Jar Jar? A lot of Fs. Give him a lot of Fs. B plus. Either a straight up F or like you've bamboozled me enough to give you an A plus. Because like you've got me.

You showed your workings and all right. Yeah. I give that one a JJ. But yeah, also i just think the reveal there would just be like who cares oh yeah in universe no one oh my god but imagine the effect it would have on internet traffic like imagine the internet it'd explain people would be losing their goddamn minds but hang on alderaan doesn't exist anymore. Yeah. Hasn't existed for quite some time. So this would almost be like the last Gungan.

Yeah. What? No, he's from Naboo. Oh, fuck, he is too. Ah, that's right. Gotcha. Gotcha replaces right. In my head, I just wish, I think, that Naboo had been Alderaan.

Because then I would have had more of an emotional impact. That whole fucking prequel. The reaction from the people in-universe would just be a shock that it's a gungan not that it's jar jar and you're like a gungan well i'll be it's you sound like mario then it's a gungan it's a gungan everybody love a gungan hey this is my leader boss nas why you look so different crazy maybe that's what happens with gungans either you become the leader and you get really fat Or you become the supreme leader You get real thin and gross looking

Alright so next one More recently What about Can I just jump in I've never thought about it The leaders of Naboo Like hottest girl ever Yeah true And boss Leaders of Naboo. Like, hottest girl ever.

Yeah, true. And boss. Man. I guess it makes sense. That'd be a weird, just like a diplomatic meeting. Like, oh, you're a gross fish monster. How does that place even operate? You're like, yeah, we've got the land.

They've got the lakes. It's fair. Did you want some corn? because we want to eat seafood? It's like, all right, you're real good. All right, Naboo people, you can have the land and the mirrors. What was your more recent one? So we're all saying Rogue One. Yes. Vader's little minion, he's carrying a cloak that comes up.

He's like, Lord Vader, someone's here. That is Snoke. That one is Snoke. Being like, my boss died. Now I must continue. Young Ben Solo, he was mad. He was a pretty good guy. God, he was cool.

So what you're saying is he's worked his way up the association, the organisation. He started as a bellboy in the mail room or something. First of all, he's done. All the way up to Supreme Leader. Exactly. He started as a bellboy in the mail room or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. First or second. All the way up to Supreme Leader. Exactly. Kind of like, you know, how Mendelssohn. I was Vader's head of Epsom salts for a while.

Again, how Mendelssohn kind of worked his way up the empire. I try to work his way up to chain of command. Mendo. Exactly. This lad, who I don't even know the name of, was like, well, I worked my way up. The empire fell, but I held strong. Think of like if it was like Igor,

like a beaten down person. All he knew was the dark side. And he's like, no, no, I must be good again. Right from the ashes. Is he force sensitive? Maybe he just like got a little bit off like Vader's tank. Maybe he's like rolled around in the Bacta tank. That'll get me good.

You're drinking that water. You've got flaky bits of Vader skin. You know what? Force sensitive are very sick. If anyone's going to drink Vader tank water, that guy. It's his little fella. He'd be gulping that out by that. It's like fucking barrel full. Gross.

Okay, Harry's arms. What's the arm situation? Vincy's arms. He was in a cloak. Gross. Okay, how are his arms? What's the arm situation? You didn't see his arms, he was in a cloak. Okay. It seemed like he had too big a nose. He was odd looking, but not enough

that you're like different species. Nose job? Yeah. Nose job? Lightsaber. There we go. Fair.

Man, plastic surgery. No, no, I was going to say easy instead of more complicated. Again, would it make the film better or worse? It would kind of, everyone would be like, eh.

It links together. Yes. There we go. Idiot detective. Idiot detective. Click. There. Again, nobody knows who they are, so nobody's shocked.

He's like, I was Vegas' eagle. Who? What? What? How does, like, the most evil, cunning man in the universe now that we now know he used to be a butler, how does that make anything better? That anything is possible.

If you follow your dreams. It's like in The Nanny. Yes. Who was the? N in The Nanny. Yeah. Who was the? Niles. Niles, yeah. Yeah, and we find out that he, like, grows up to be Hitler. It's like, great. He did it.

He finally did it. That's what The Nanny was leading to, I'm sure. That is some red hot Nanny fan fiction. There's going to be some time travel in there as well, guys. Yeah. That's what the nanny was leading to, I'm sure. That is some red hot nanny fan fiction. There's got to be some time travel in there as well, guys. Yeah. So I don't know how I'd grade. It'd be me, but like, a D? Like, you passed.

Yeah. It's not inoffensive. Yeah, it's just like a C minus. It's just like, oh, you saw someone on the screen and you went, that could be it yeah you're like that might as well i'm not looking really for any big meaningful thing here he'll just do actually i did it like the cludo movie every cinema got a different snoke reveal that'd be all right really that happened in movie yeah in cludo the uh the person who did the murder in

like there were like four different versions and they were just spliced out across different cinemas across the world that's so though, because then the film's leading up so there's no actual clues. Yeah. Have you ever seen the Cluedo movie? No. That makes sense. It's just that it's all the different cinemas

got different antagonists or murderers. No, because you've got the clues, right? Yeah. And that's going to lead you to help decide. The clues were, like, general enough that they could just... Yeah, well, that means that... It does make it largely meaningful. It does, but it was a good film.

Yeah, I like the clue. Tim Curry's great in that film. Anything Tim Curry's in is good. Damn right. Home Alone 2? Yes, please. More of that. All right.

This is my favorite theory and I read it just before. So, you know, Snoke has got scars on his face. I'll need some circles for this one. Somebody's like, originally he was going to be like a snake man. And they're like, what if the scars aren't scars, they're seams? And he's just heaps of snakes. So he's a bunch of snakes in a skin suit. Yes.

A plus. Imagine how scared all of the people in universe for that reveal. Just like in Raiders or Temple of Doom it's like, snake surprise. That would be terrifying.

That would be so scary. Even Kylo Ren would be shitting himself. I just hope Hasbro is working on a playset. Oh, man, how fun. You've got to stuff the snakes back into the snow. Well, no, you could shove Play-Doh inside, and then the Play-Doh could come out in little strings.

Yes! Perfect. Oh, fuck yes. First question. Yep. Are snakes sensitive? Can animals be force sensitive? Yes.

How many at once? Because you can have a force sensitive tree, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, I think you, yeah. Are the snakes venomous? They could be. Yeah. Why not? Yeah, whatever, kid.

Not going to say that. Well, yes, I guess. Enjoy. Pick my guess. Maybe they're like a hive mind of force. Yeah. They're like, maybe they're one entity. All right.

Okay. Yep. So it's kind of like the Marvel's The Hive, which is a bunch of Nazi bees make a man. Whoa, really? Nazi bees? Nazi bees make a man. You wouldn't think bees could have a political leaning,

but they manage. Who knew? All right. Long arms. Long arms. If you're a bunch of snakes, you can have your arms as long as you fucking want. Oh, so there's no actual Snoke. He's just a shell.

He's a bunch of snakes. He's just like a cocoon. Yeah. Wow. That makes sense. I love that this isn't even like my theory. Somebody was genuinely suggesting this. Would it make the film better? I'll argue yes. Like, because if it's Mace Windu,

it's insulting. If it darth vader it's insulting as well if it's a bunch of snakes you don't know what to do with that information well if i hadn't done this podcast i'd say i did not see that you'd be three people be standing applauding everyone husks um yeah and again if they're like trying to hide their identity Fair enough Snoke, if you kind of say it wrong, sounds like snake It sort of shuts down the whole podcast When you point out things like

Well, at the start he was going to be a snake person Alright, so he's no one Like, that's it Yeah, he wasn't a snake person But they were like, what can we make him? It's not like to be a snake person. All right, so he's no one. Like, that's it. That's it. Yeah, he wasn't a snake person. But they were all like going, what can we make him? It's not like, well, it's the reincarnation of Mace Windu. Wait, we can bring on all my bullshit theories here.

I'm with you. That evil entity of Darth Vader, right? Darth Vader's evil gas pouring out the coffin. It's just like, you've entered a bunch of of snakes which then slithered into the husk of Palpatine. Yep. And that is Snoke. Oh, no, no, no, no. You've got to go back.

And Darth Plagueis is actually Anakin Skywalker as well. Oh, yeah, everyone's Anakin. We're all Anakin. How do we get Mace Windu into this? Maybe Mace Windu provides the husk, the skin Darth Plagueis and Anakin are the same guy No! They're the soul, yes

Alright If you're listening at home Just pause it Get a glass of water Sit down with your friends and family Alright, you're back Great That was quick

Alright So Let's go back Okay with your friends and family. All right, you're back. Great. That was quick. All right. So let's go back. Okay. Darth Plagueis, right, died at the hands of Sheev Palpatine. Yep. Reincarnates.

Okay. As the pupil of Sheev Palpatine, Anakin Skywalker, who would then go on to be Darth Vader. Okay. Yeah, I'm with you. You follow on? Checks out. Darth Vader dies.

Circles within circles. Reincarnates yet again using some sort of half good, half bad leaks out of the coffin theory. Yep. Good. Good. Into a chamber of force wielding snakes. Uh-huh.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Force wielding tadpoles. They're like baby Gungans. No, no. No?

All right. Hush your sweet mouth. Samuel L. Jackson. Mm-hmm. Starting the film. Yeah. Okay. Snakes on a plane.

Bang. There it is. It's all together. It's loops within loops. It's wheels within wheels. It's the true Star Wars, okay. Snake's on a plane. Bang. There it is. It's all together. It's loops within loops. It's wheels within wheels. That is the true Star Wars ring theory. Exactly. There you go.

Perfect. We did it. I think we sorted it. I think we figured out his focus. I think pretty conclusively. Now, how do we explain this in a two-hour film and make a billion dollars while we're at it? Well, we're going to make a billion dollars no matter what

because, hey, who's not seen Star Wars? Exactly. We could just make it that, literally what we said. People would watch that. And I think my description of what happened should be the title of the film. Yeah. And you know how people like Return of the Jedi is like ROTJ. Yeah.

That is a long acronym. Wait. D-P. Wait. We got this. D. Wait. Just playing. D-P.

Yep. K-B-S. Yep. P. R. Uh-huh. A. A.

A. S. B. D. V. Yep. D. A A S B D V D Hey DVD That's good DVD

We get DVD in there I've just gotten up to where Darth Vader dies I'm gonna pass out I can't do it That's enough That's enough Then just do etc ETC

ETC What a good title Dup-a-ka-ba-dum-fa-ra-ras-diva-dix Then just do etc. ETC, ETC. What a good title. Dup-a-ka-ba-dum-f-a-ra-z-d-a-ba-d-ex. That's everyone's favourite Star Wars classic. It's going to make it very hard to bootleg. Weirdly, the best theory that we have come up with, or that exists that I would be okay with,

it's a bunch of snakes. And I think if that doesn't tell you how meaningless Snoke theories are, nothing will. So I think in conclusion, your Snoke theory sucks. Yep. No, it bites. And on that note, I've

been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been Steel. And where can we find more of you, Steel? I do a star wars comedy podcast called steel wars it has many forms uh the two main ones are we do a call-in show each week um on friday nights if you're in america saturdays if you're in australia and then the traditional

steel wars interview show where we find star wars fans or actors or behind-the-scenes people of interest and have pretty in-depth conversations, like ones that may be a good sizzle for people to go check out. I interviewed Nathan Hamill, who's the son of Mark Hamill, about what it's like to be growing up being a huge Star Wars fan and your dad's face is on your friend's toothbrush. So that's got some pretty cool stories. And next week, a bit of sizzle for when this comes out,

I'll be interviewing Artie Shaw, who is the CGI body double for Maz Kanata. Oh, awesome. Yeah, and who is also Rocket Raccoon in the first Guardians of the Galaxy. I'm not sure about the second. So I'll be getting all the behind-the-scenes gossip from there. And if you're in Melbourne, I'll be doing the Melbourne International Comedy Festival

with a show called The Enthusiast. Actually, I'll be doing that in Adelaide as well. And all around the world I sort of tour with Steel Wars and do live shows at comedy festivals and fringe festivals, Star Wars celebration, all that good stuff. So check out steelwars.com. And if you want a Your Snoke Theory Sucks T-shirt or sticker, check out the shop on steelwars.com for the infamous sticker that's been

that Rian Johnson, the director of Episode 8, tweeted and Instagrammed out. Nice. Too good. And if you have a snake theory for yourself, don't. Don't. Don't let anyone know. Just hush. Hush your sweet mouth.

Unless it's reptile rye. Then we want to hear all about it. Or about fish. We didn't really talk much about fish, but, like, we got the snake thing. But you say that, but I think for me anyway, I thought we talked about fish way more than I thought we were going to. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account?

Follow the links on our website, sanspantsradio.com.