Plumbing the Death Star - Why Doesn't Clark Kent Get a Job? (Feat. Mr Sunday Movies)

Episode Date: June 15, 2015

In which our heroes help our dad around the farm and try to minimise their parents crippling debt by taking on a job while wondering why that Kent kid doesn’t help out his folks but instead sits around all day, mopes about girl problems and eats pop-tarts. We look at Clark’s diamond making potential, his possible career as a delivery man for literally everywhere and if Batman has ever lent him the Bat credit card. Jackson wants to know if the JLA is a cushy government job, James thinks every live action version of Superman is wrong, Zammit proclaims that Pa Kent is the problem and Duscher just wants you to listen to his side-podcast; Sad People I Know. So find an abandoned baby in the woods, consider raising it as your own and join us for one of the most convoluted comparison we’ve ever come up with. By the end of the episode you too will be wondering if the Fires Out?Want to help the Kents because Superman won’t? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help supplement the Kent’s income. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least sixteen books about the etiquette of finding an abandoned baby. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. Together we make a whole human being. This episode's brought to you by James Barker. You're a bloody champ, mate. Thanks for supporting us. Enjoy the episode. Right, go. What's the question? Hey guys, welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, why doesn't Clark Kent help out his parents financially?

I can't stand to fly. I'm not that naive. I'm just out to find the better part of me. So I've been watching Smallville with my brother. And in one episode, we find out, for whatever reason, that Clark Kent can squish a rock into a diamond with his fist. Yep. Okay, and just make diamonds.

But also earlier, the Kents are, like, having this stress out of, like, they have no money and the farm's doing terribly. Same episode? No, I think it's, like, a couple of episodes between the two. So same season. Same season. Same season. Does Clark have a bit of a think?

Is it a flashback to him crushing a rock? And then like, I've got nothing. Sorry, Mom and Dad. But it got me thinking that even like they have a farm. They've got crops. Clark's like never out there super running and super plowing the field. And like in a day, he could plow an entire field. It's still Park Kent who's like 50 out there,

and Superman's just watching on like, get on your dad, you get those crops nice and good. I'm going to cry about girls. Well, for the diamond reason, I mean, diamonds inherently have no value. We just make them think they're worth money because of a one singular diamond company or like, fuck the world.

That's a good stance to have as a giant company. Yeah. Hi, we're a diamond company like fuck the world that's a good stance to have as a giant company yeah hi we're a diamond company fuck the world yeah they're like they they inflate the price of diamonds because they just hide them all or just don't sell them so they make the illusion that they're rare even though they're not we should do that with our podcast it's weird that everybody knows that i know but everyone's like look at my engagement ring how much did he spend 10 grand oh what a trooper fuck Fuck off. I think it was like two and a half months of salary is what you should spend

on an engagement ring? Yeah. Dumb. This was like 10 years ago. He was like, I won't get married for a ring less than $20,000. She's not married.

I'd kick her out of bed. I'm being a bitch, am I right? Hey. Hey. Why am I having a roommate? We all say dumb things 10 years ago. And he bought his girlfriend like a $10,000 ring. That's too much money.

It wasn't an engagement. That's even dumber. Just a ring. Very big, whatever. They broke up. Yeah. Got it back. And we tried to sell it.

Oh, yeah. Impossible. Impossible. We went to cashies, like cash converters. They're like, we'll give you maybe 50 bucks for it. And he, impossible. We went to cashies, like cash converters they're like, we'll give you maybe 50 bucks for it. And he's like, why? He's like, wait. Pulled out like three drawers just worth of

rings. This is why. I would spend $50 on a ring. Think of all those broken dreams that those rings represent. A friend of mine, same thing happened to him. Girlfriend cheated on him, had the ring, spent 5,000 pounds and got like 400 quid for it or 500 quid. But I was like, but if you break down the elements of it, you'll get more.

But he was like, I want to get rid of it. Fair enough. Yeah, fair enough. I don't know. I feel like breaking it would be way more satisfying. Absolutely. Fuck yes. Smash it with a hammer.

Still, Clark Kent. Yes. Other ways. Going back to Clark. Back into important matters. Yeah. Sad people we know. That's my sidebar. John Usher and sad people we know. Tell me that was the title.

I thought it was coming in and doing a bit of comedy. No, tell me about your sad life Why? So this is why you're on the podcast Everyone uses this voice Of course It happened about three years ago And I finished work early

You'd get sick of them and leave halfway through Nah, get out Every episode ends with a gunshot They get killed Killing themselves We started with hanging But it wasn't audible enough Just a creaking

And this has been an episode of Joel Dushan Sad person I used to know See you next week Fucking got ya He starts playing Yes Clark Kent

Fucking do some work yep fuck it you're I mean Smallville it's

you got Mopey Clark Kent he's a teen he doesn't know what he's doing but still 14

like 14 years old 9 months get a fucking job you know how old is he in Smallville well I think it starts he's

at the end of season 1, he goes to junior prom. He looks 40. Yeah, he looks 40 and like an idiot. He's just got the blank face the whole show. But you're right, junior prom, so that's about halfway through high school. So he's about year 10. He still doesn't have a job. And he could do any job really well.

Check out, chick. Just serve some customers. pay for delivery in every town get a delivery route for everywhere for kansas do it in a day wear a different hat everyone nobody's gonna know he's got the same problem that, you know, multiple man has of, you know, just duplicate yourself

many times and do just meaningful tasks. But he's so fast, he could do those meaningful tasks himself very quickly. Yeah, exactly.

Does he know, like, at the start of Smallville, is he like, yeah, I can run really fast, like Superman fast? Yeah, he does, yeah.

Because I know he learns to fly. Sure, he's a fucking, like, a runner, like a trooper, whatever. Nah, but his dad's like, hey, oh, like a troop or whatever but his dad's like there's this fucking episode where his dad's like

don't join the running team and Clark Kent's like but I wanna and his dad's like they'll find out you son of a bitch but I wanna dad if they drug test so fucking what they're not going to find any drugs but they have to pierce his skin though

the needles yeah peeing dumb we don't even but they have to pierce his skin though oh yeah oh the needles yeah peeing though peeing no peeing dumb he'll be like we don't know what colour his pee is though that's true

it could be bright green yeah bright green is like that's normal for me but even yeah if he was like I'll be an Olympic athlete yeah

I will just I'll control my powers enough that I can you know for some reason my mind's going to diving no

no no you'd be bad at that up away For some reason my mind's going to diving? No, no, no. You'd be bad at that. Up. Away. Uh, zero? Or is it the least splash, so that's a ten. He would just dive, just hover, like pause before the water, and you just gently go in. Everyone holds up a question mark.

Pops back up, winks at the audience. Hey? How good? go in. Everyone holds up a question mark. Pops back up, winks at the audience. I like the idea of him nearly hitting the water, doing a big loop around the swimming pool, high-fiving the judges and diving in. I still like the idea of him diving, getting close to the water, then just flying up through the roof. Ten, I think.

Or a zero. We don't know. Ten and zero. A hundred. A friend of mine in high school, he was really, really good at hockey. He was on the way to becoming... Is he going to be a sad person? On the way to becoming in the Australian team, whatever. And he himself was getting sponsored while he was still in high school by

whatever hockey companies do. Shaq made all his money in college. Everyone knows that. Anyway, keep going. That was a baseball reference. I thought that was his name. My friend Shaq. Good hockey player. Who said Shaq? Good Shaq.

Shaq. What does he still play? Your friend? I'm curious. I think he sort of stopped for a while, but then he's sort of back in it as a, more as a hobby now than a career. All my friend's bodies are broken.

Like all we played in tent sports. They're like cart, rug, walk, sit. I just think we all dressed. I're like can't ride, walk, sit. They're just in wheelchairs. I'm like, glad I did minimal sport. I picked comic books. You fucking idiots. From memory, I think now he's playing for the Victorian side.

He's one of those people that was still really good, but he's still like Division 1. But he's like, I'm not really trying. I go to training, I guess, but I'm not at the gym every day yeah you remember when um that's pretty good batman and clark meet in like comic books i think that happens in smallville yeah yes i hear that the upcoming film batman versus superman will deal with that that that event no because they meet as kids in like a couple of copies bump into like hey you clark can's ever like, you're very rich, Batman, and my family's very poor.

Eh? If he isn't, Batman should be like, I'm going to throw some money or whatever. Yeah, like why not? He's done that. Lend him the fucking

bat credit card for a weekend. Exactly. I feel like that Clark is too proud, even though his parents probably aren't. His parents will just

take the money. They're like, done. We took a kid, we'll take money, we don't care. We're wild take the money. They're like, done. We took a kid, we'll take money, we don't care. We're wild. But he could even be like,

I've just collected all this rich soil that we can sell. Yeah. He could do anything. Exactly. He could fucking, he could plant an orchard

in a day. He could just get to the ground and be like, I'm going to look for oil. Punch, punch, punch, punch, punch. Well, I guess he would cover the cat farm in holes. Why? He's got x-ray vision. Wait, does would cover the cat farm in holes. Why?

He's got x-ray vision. Does he have that straight away in Smallville? Yeah, he gets it in the first season. He starts seeing skeletons everywhere, and he's like, oh, no. Spooks. And his dad's like, what's in my hand? And Clark Kent's like, a coin. He's like, you did it, Clark. Clark.

You did it, Clark. No, it's a dumb show. Carl Clark. Yeah. Carl Clark. Carl Clark. Carl Clark. We did it, Carl Clark. No, it's a dumb show. Carl Clark. Yeah. Carl Clark. Carl Clark. Good. Move on.

Move on. How does his dad die in that? It doesn't step into a tornado. He does die. Does he get hit by a bus? A bus that Clark could have stopped. In the Christopher Reeve movie, he has a heart attack, which is a great death because it's like,

you cannot stop this. Yeah, yeah. And that's happened a few times in comics as well. Like, yeah, Parkhead has a heart attack. That's how you do it. Exactly. Great. He's powerless.

And often, like, he'll hear it happen and he's like, bam! Like, he's across the country to see it. And he doesn't. Even if he makes it, it's irrelevant. Yeah, exactly. Because it's a heart attack. Oh, he tries to do a CPR thing. Just crushes through his chest.

I found oil, though. Oh, I've made it's a heart attack. Oh, he tries to do a CPR thing, just crushes through his chest. I found oil, though. Oh, I've made it worse. Lurich! Martha, don't look! Is it that the Kents are too, like, they're too afraid that people will take Clark away if he uses his powers? So they're like, oh, just don't worry about it.

We'll deal with it ourselves. I think the problem is Park Kent. Yeah, Park Kent. He's so fucking paranoid. And proud. And proud. He's like, I think the problem is Park Hen. Yeah, Park Hen. He's so fucking paranoid. And proud. And proud. He's like, I'll fucking step in a tornado. I don't give a shit.

As long as you don't reveal that you're slightly faster than a regular person. In this smallville, Lex Luthor's like, hey, you're having a really bad time, and we bought some land off you, I get it. So look, we'll give you the money back, you know, for the land, because whatever, we're so rich. Park Hen's like, no, nah, fuck you.

That's a weird thing to have. Yeah. Yeah, Park Ant, too proud. Probably deserves to die. I would say so. But he stole a kid. How is he proud? I don't know. Did he steal the kid? He found a kid and then did nothing but raise it. You're right, he should have. That's not too bad. I think it's,

if you found a babe in the woods, would you just not report it? A babe or a baby? A baby. And you just found a baby, right? It's good to clarify. Yeah, I just want to clarify. We'll go with a fireman,

because there's that old... I might have a fireman. You're a fireman. Sick. Can we all be firemen? We're all... We're all firemen. We're all firemen.

James is our neighbor. You're a tree. Sick. James is our... Pointing doesn't work in a podcast tree Sick You like working on cars? No, but I'll do it I've always got a grease-stained rag I've got my hands with James is our fire truck mechanic One morning at 6am

We wake up We're sleeping in the fire station Do we not have fire stations? Fire station. Fire station, that's a word. I go out to get the paper, baby on the steps. Now I'm like, hey guys, we're raising this baby. That is basically

what part of the market is doing. Well, I'd be like, hey, we're workmates. You're a tree. I'm a tree. Like, that's an odd thing to put on us. Shut up, tree. What the fuck? You don us. Shut up tree. We don't even need a tree. Give us some fruit.

Wait, what were you? We're just firemen. Oh, so me and you were firemen. Joel and co-firemen. Co is another Joel. Are you a private fire brigade? Yes. We're a fire brigade. Like guns for hire, but firefighters for hire.

Basically like Ghostbusters, but actual firemen. But you'd have to call us, not the fire. And you're our living mechanic. Yeah, cool. You're a tree still. You're a tree still. New things hadn't changed. Whenever you enter the room, can I always roll out from under a vehicle?

Yeah. I'm not doing anything. Under there sleeping. You've got two entrances. Whenever you enter the room, can I always roll out from under a vehicle? I'm not doing anything. You've got two entrances. That and walking into a room with a greasy ragged gentleman. Your truck's fucked. That's great, but we've found a baby. We're racing it.

Sick. Gentlemen, slide back under the car. So that's the equivalent of what Park Kent has done. With a whole extra massive... What would be an awesome TV show, but... Three men, a tree, a baby, and a fire station. For hire. For hire. Are we competing with the big city fire?

Do you have episodes about pranking them? Just like, look guys, everyone get out your phones, call triple zero, block the lines. 9-1-1, block the lines. And they'll have to call us. And I feel like our number's going to have like 16 digits. Tree, go and let the air out of their tires. And then like at the end of the episode,

they'd like still, and you'd be like, you didn't let the air out. I'd be like, I'm a tree. I'm a tree. You just said it left damn it Jackson come on tree grow some fruit

we're better firefighters but we do do things very unconventional we'll put it out but no one will be happy about it like we'll just like

smack open a fire hydrant it'll just spray everywhere fire's out yeah but now you've just waterlogged this street fire's out I feel like the show's gonna be called spray everywhere. Fire's out, yeah, but now you've just waterlogged this street. Fire's out. I feel like the show's gonna be called Fire's Out. Fire's Out, yeah.

Fire's Out with a question mark. Fire's Out? Jackson, you're a tree, but you're in like a big pot plant, so you can take you places. But we never do. It's like you put me in the truck, and then you get to the fire. Just put me down next to the truck and sort the fire out.

I'm like, good show, guys. Like watering the fire. Can I have a bit? Sure. Why not? Not good. What did we bring you? Waste not, what not.

I mean, I feel like, you know, like I'm a tree and I'm made of wood as well. Put me away from the fire. A bit spooky spooky but hey I enjoy what I do nearly burn and then like I rock back and forth fall smash my pot and crawl away

like roots of dirt like dragging every week leave me at home Christmas special you have lights in you. That's alright. But then there'll be like a dangling power cord because you've pulled me out of the wall. And Lucia leaves as well.

That's how you know. That's your arc. The Christmas lights cause a fire hazard. That's a Christmas special episode. It's an hour long episode. Oh, of course. Because we accidentally start a fire, but then we put it out,

and then it's fine. Yeah. We think you're dying for a bit, but it turns out it's just autumn. I'm like, guys, I'm going to try you. That's great. We're like, oh, fuck, of course. Grow some fruit.

I'm like, I'm an elm. I'm fruit. Speak to one of those evergreen cuts. What a show. So, yes, exactly like Superman. Yeah. Do you think Park Kent is the problem, then? He's definitely the tree in this situation.

Yeah. Generally, when you hit, again, for Australians, 14 and 9 months, your parents encourage you, almost demand sometimes, get a fucking job, please. So I guess if he's not having that from his parents, then that's a big problem. They always say, like, we need you on the farm. They say that a lot, don't they?

Just constantly. Hey, Clark, we need you on the farm. I'm Kenny Beamer. On the farm. No. Because, like, it can still work. That's the strange thing. No,

but they don't. Oh, wait, don't they? They run a farm. Huh? They run a farm. That's the job.

Yeah, but if I run a farm and had Superman for a son, I'd be like, Superman, today is Saturday. Yeah. For an hour,

can you sort everything out in the farm? Do the farm. Yeah. Make the farm go. Yeah. Then I'm gonna fuck off and you can go to school.

You could have another job. Like, the parents could do something while he did all the farm. Exactly. Or you could just rest. Yeah, or rest. Retire early. Because it's not hard. They're so old. Park Hen could rest and not have a fucking heart attack. Yeah. But because Clark Kent's like, no, I'm gonna have girl problems at school.

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna fucking create the said diamond to put in a ring for Lana Lang, who I don't even end up marrying because she's full of kryptonite. Exactly. How aghast and horrified would the Kents be if they saw Clark make a diamond? They'd be like, you've been able to do this for how long? Yeah, well, that's the question. When he does it, he's not like, oh, sweet, I can do this.

He'd clearly done it before. Yeah, exactly. He's trying to impress Lana? No,, he's not like, oh, sweet, I can do this. Like, he'd clearly done it before. Yeah, exactly. Is he trying to impress Lana? No, he's making her, like, a wedding ring. He's proposing. Maybe with some slight of pain. Like, it was cold, and then it was just some trisery. He's like, oh, my God, I'm also magic.

Just a shot of glass. He could steal. Like, he could be there and, like, just chuff off really quickly to a diamond, like, a ring jewelry place? That was the word. Jeweler. Grab a ring, chuff back off. to a diamond like a ring stool jewelry place hmm that's the word jeweler grab a ring chuff back off yeah yeah easy he probably just made it out of dirt like got a job at a steel mill yeah superman i just think because he could do almost any task yeah yeah like that requires the smallest amount of physical labor and be done with it.

You know what would suck? Because what superhero is generating income? Batman. Other than Batman. Iron Man. Booster Gold. Spider-Man. Spider-Man.

Yeah, but how much income is Spider-Man generating? Well, he's taking sweet photos of himself. He's generating a lot of selfies. The ultimate narcissist. He should get a lot of selfies. The ultimate narcissist. He should get a selfie stick. Yeah, he should. Of all the people that need one, him. No, that would make it too obvious who was taking the photo, you idiot.

But Spider-Man's earning the salary of somebody like a freelance photographer. What I've been thinking about is inheritance. Does he win a Pulitzer? Pulitzer? What, for taking photos of himself? No. Clark. Is it that easy?

Clark is a journo. Yeah, but he's not a good journo, because he just does the same thing Spider-Man does. I know who Lois Lane's a good journo. He's a good journo. I thought so. What does he do to review movies? There's a lot of thinking.

Imagine being the son or the daughter of a superhero. Yeah. Like, when they die, your inheritance is going to be zilch. You know what I mean? For the most part. Yeah. Like, what are you getting from your Superman son?

Superman dies. Yes, I am. What do you get? Sadness. Missing my dad. Missing my dad. I wish my dad would not be dead. Actually, no. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. You're wearing a Superman t-shirt, I just realized. I wish you weren't doing a Superman episode.

Now I hate myself. In Agents of S.H.I.E.L. Agents of Shield the first episode there's like they see some I was gonna say Superman in it But no he's not because that's Marvel There's a guy who you think might be Luke Cage, but isn't he's like showing his son It's kind of good that it isn't right? So good that it wasn't. At the time I'm like boo, but now I'm like yay. Thank Christ Yeah, he's showing his kid all these figure figures and stuff So I'm guessing they would have been licensed from the actual

capital racing and stuff. I suppose. Unless did Tony Stark do a bit of a George Lucas and be like, hey, don't worry, Steve, just sign this away. I get all the toy rights. It's fine. I like that at some point somebody like- I hope Thor owns all the toy rights.

And just doesn't understand what's happening. He wouldn't even need it. He's got his own. He's got gold coins. He's a guardian. He pretty doesn't understand what's happening. He wouldn't even need it. He's got his own rich beyond life. He's Asgardian. He pretty much owns Asgard. He could just

chuff off to Asgard, chip a bit of brick out, a gold brick, I'd like to pay for a house with this, thank you. They'd be like, that's not

acceptable currency, but hey, maybe sell it to someone else first. Alright, I'm gonna go to gold for cash, go to this gold brick. That's not real gold. What?

Fucking Odin. And then Odin would be in Odin's sleep, coincidentally. Or just be Loki. Damn it, Dad. Or just be Loki. Is Odin dead? I don't know. Maybe. Or he's just having an Odin sleep. Odin, he's like,

he's dead. Odin's sleep is like his last... Loki's about to take the throne an Odin sleep. We've all seen... Yeah, Odin... He was like, he's dead. Odin sleep is like his last... Loki's about to take the throne and Odin's like... Oh, Loki's... Oh, fuck, I'm so tired. I'm having fun. Can he have Odin naps? Sweet.

Like a brief sleep. I've seen Thor The Dark World like four times and I still don't remember it. No. I get dragged to that movie a lot. Loki's alright, though. Yeah, he's good. Cuts off Thor's hand. there I did not remember that at all and then it's like a magic trick it's an illusion Peter Parker could help out may as well but he

doesn't yeah does it with photojournalism and Peter delivery but he's terrible at his job because he just wants to be a superhero. He doesn't think things through. Peter Parker, if he wanted to, could be a window cleaner. Or he could be a wrestler.

Or he could be a tightrope walker. One of the best. He could be like, I'm doing stunts. I'm going to become a magician celebrity. Stuntman. Stuntman. A Criss Angel I would like. If I got powers, the first thing I'd do...

Do you reckon Peter Parker would turn to Criss Angel? No, because he's too much of a dweebus. Doesn't Peter Parker deliver pizza as Spider-Man once? In the second movie. What a film. Good. Just double-jacking. Yeah, just double jacking yeah just double jacking that I remember

Spider-Man 2 right and I do and it's still great it's a fantastic time I just think if I got superpowers the first thing I'd do is I'd sort out

my family like they're doing okay but like hey you could set them up for life and then be a superhero yeah you know

yeah like even when Clark Kent is Superman Mark Kent's still living in the farm he's not like hey I'll get you is he is he Yeah. You know? Yeah. Like, even when Clark Kent is Superman, Mark Kent's still living in the farm. He's not like, hey, I'll get you a... We're just a solitude. Is he sending back, like, you know, at least 20% of his journalist paycheck?

What wage does he make when he's just Superman in the JLA? Any? Do they earn a wage? I think they do. I'm fairly certain they do. You'd have to want to. On the Justice League of America, the government would be paying them.

He has a cushy government job. He could send money back to Mark Kent. Definitely. I don't think it would be like a six-figure. Yeah, you'd hope so. Because no one knows who's Clark Kent, so what bank account is he sending? They know, though, in the Justice League, don't they, generally? I don't think they do, necessarily.

The Justice League do. If it's government-funded, you've got to sign away forms I'd just be like, cash! Give it to me in gems Yeah Give it to me in coal Yeah! He could just sign up as Superman and put Fortress of Solitude as his address

I guess Why not put Why not at the very least bring Mark Kent to the floating JLA tower or satellite and be like, I'll give you a nice place here, Mark Kent. You don't have to live on the farm with all the people. He could just build her a nice house. Yeah, he could.

Out of crystals. Piece of shit. Yeah, crystals and diamonds and dirt. Yeah, he could pretty much do anything for his parents. He could do literally anything ever. But hey, Superman, sometimes he just doesn't. And and there's no explanation and that's why comic books are good like he could be even in construction go to construction yeah like what he sort of starts off in man of steel in sort of working in a um yeah you know if he had have been like a steel

worker in that film that would have been the best thing in the world because then he would have been a real man of Steel. Hell, in Man of Steel, he just leaves Mark Kent. He's just like, hey, Mark Kent, Dad died. Nah, bye. Rob's my fault. I'm going to go find myself, I guess. I'll ruin some racist, no, sexist truck driver's career in a truck

just because he made a comment I didn't like. What a piece of shit. He should have decked that, dude. He should have decked him. I mean, you don't have to kill him. You don't have to kill him. You don't have to fucking fuck up his truck, which probably wasn't that guy's truck.

It was like the company's truck. Yeah, that's a good point. What an asshole. You know, I'm finding new reasons to hate Superman now. Superman should have just picked up the truck and just taken it into space for a bit. Yeah. And then brought it back down and be like,

don't do that again. All we've done, just pick up a truck, ch taken it into space For a bit Yeah And then brought it back down And be like Don't do that again All we've done Just pick up a truck Chuffs it off And just park it Somewhere else Yeah Like the other side

Of the fucking world And be like hey Hey your truck's here Idiot Yeah Fuck you Be nicer to people I

I just remember That scene wrong And I confused it In With the scene For the Green Lantern Yeah fuck you guys You're too polite Fuck you i'm talking now um yeah because i just imagine that truck scene as a scene i get a reference to green lantern which is a film that has anyone actually

seen it just be no okay there's a part when he first gets his green lantern powers and he's in like a street fight for some reason and he just like throws a punch and there's like a giant fist comes out he has three dudes kills three dudes oh yeah he just flat out murders people we've talked about this yeah one of them too like one hits a car

one hits a wall one just gone like space like that's what Superman should have done yeah why don't you just

hire yourself out as a security firm yeah like what if the jail invincible does that you know the comic book character yeah yeah he's got a private smart yeah there you go As a security firm. Yeah. Like, what if the jail... Invincible does that. You know, the comic book character. Yeah, yeah. He's got a private...

Smart. Yeah. There you go, clever. Yeah. The Superman just, like, is it... Do you reckon it's that he hates his parents or does he just not realise? Like, is it just not occurring to him?

It's just not occurring to him. I guess that he could... I think it's in Birthright where he takes his dad up flying. Because his dad's, like, trying to smash a tractor for whatever reason. And he just takes him and pulls him up in the air. And then he makes a realisation that his dad always wanted to have Clark take him up to fly, but he never had.

He's like, oh, I never realised. And he has a heart attack. So I think he's just... This is too sick! So he's oblivious, I think, to a lot. He is an alien. I always forget about that. He is an alien. Different alien physiology. He's not thinking the same thing as to a lot. He's an alien. I always forget about that. He's an alien. Different alien physiology.

He's not thinking the same thing as everyone else is. Bit of space brain. Plus he's Superman, so what does he want? We want money so we can inevitably do better and things. Better podcasts. Better podcasts. Just find us on Patreon. Better podcasts and eating and all that kind of stuff.

But Superman, what does he actually want? What does he want that he couldn't get? We can't buy friends, Dusha. So therefore... Look, if anyone wants to be my friend, just head to patreon.com. Sam Spence Radio. I donated $200.

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I think he's probably just ignorant Or maybe he doesn't know Does he have empathy? I don't know I think every live-action version is wrong. Correct. I agree.

I think certain comics get it right. Yeah. That's the point of him. He's so empathetic and he's so caring and whatever. But yeah, I don't think it's represented well. You know what nails it? Grounded. Superman grounded. I'm just in America. I don't think it's represented well you know what nails it grounded Superman grounded Superman lost in America

that's the one I haven't read it I don't want to buy I own it and it's the best person in my life so what happens is when he's off

Krypton comes back for a bit and he has an 100 minute war unblows up yeah it unblows up hey look it's back

goes up there sorts out his crypt on shit comes back down to america and the late like he's doing like a press conference and a lady comes up and just hits him like slaps him she'll break her hand i think she might actually good i think he does um and yeah or at least she's like that hurt kind of thing and he's like what what's happened he's like well while you were in space doing your shit, my husband died of a brain tumour because the doctors couldn't see it, but your x-ray vision would have,

and your laser eyes would have been able to remove it. And Superman's like, I've lost touch with the... I'm not in touch with the people anymore. I'm going to walk across America. That's not on him. He's not a cancer treatment scientist. First problem, not on him. And that pretty much covers it all like how is that

superman's fault if it was like he fixes a car and he he just does all these like he stops a domestic yeah there's a kid if you were like lex luthor fucking went insane and collapsed a building on my house and my husband died and he screamed i'm doing this because superman isn't there yes fair enough that is is Superman's fault. Your husband dying of a brain tumor that was inoperable. Has Superman ever just dabbled in medical science just a little bit? Can we start a new run of Superman just called Dr. Superman MD? Yes.

Yes, we can. Is any other superhero as poor as Superman? Spider-Man. I think Spider-Man. Yeah, but Spider-Man, I guess they have the same job, don't they? Superman has a wage, though. A consistent wage. A journalist and a JLS.

But Superman came from being poor. Do you reckon Superman kind of hoards and has weird... You know when you're poor, you just sort of develop like, yeah, like he never spends any of his money. He doesn't look like he does. No. He eats like really shit. Doesn't he collect shit in that? He does.

Superman's a poor kid. Don't get me wrong. That's like always been one of my favorite things about Superman. Because Superman, everybody's like. That is one of the poor. Because Superman, everybody's like... That is one of the poor... No, but everybody's like, Kryptonite is Superman's weakness. I don't reckon it is.

I reckon Superman's weakness is that he's like an idiot farm boy from Kansas. If I was riding Superman, I'd ride him as a hick. Because he's not like a full-on wearing a barrel hick. Yeah. Superman wearing a barrel yeah Superman wearing a barrel it would be the best imagine like Superman with like hands on hips bows

but just in a barrel like Superman you can buy clothes now why I've got this barrel his barrel's doing the job I think cause at the end of Man of Steel like clearly Metropolis is just... Fuck, but it's like, do you guys need a journalist?

I'll work here. Where it's not like become a fucking construction worker, help clear this rubble. Exactly. Superman as an idiot is the best Superman. I think it's less that he's not helping his parents. I think he's an idiot. I think he's just an idiot.

Hey, do you reckon Superman got a good sex ad? Because he's in Kansas. Oh, no, definitely not. Like abstinence. And not only that, like, he's different. Yeah. Super different. Anything he got would not help.

They're like, here's a penis and here's a vagina, and he goes in the bathroom and he's like, what have I got here? So when you get an erection, uh-huh. But what happens when the second one does it as well? Sorry, what? What about when the two balls pulsate purple? The testicles?

I don't know. Are they both supposed to sing or is it just me? Because I've got the one on top, it does a little bit of a hum, and the third one that's down near my knee starts harmonizing. Is that good? Does that mean something? What does that mean? Superman's dick would be strange.

Very strange. But he would have gotten, like, a Kansas bloody, like, Bible Belt-ass education. Yeah, abstinence. Abstinence only. He would have been taught abstinence. That's such a weird thing to think about.

And then when, like, Lana gives him just an awkward handy behind, like, the bleachers, he's going to scream. He's going to have, like, weird... When it latches onto her wrist, she's going to be terrified. She's going to scream. He's going to have like weird... When it latches onto her wrist, she's going to be terrified. She's going to scream. Everybody's screaming.

Although, because Superman's an alien, he might necessarily have a sex drive. And especially if we're basing it on Manistia, where no one's burning. His parents were burning. Yeah, but like... They were the only burning. No, the only ones doing it,

so it mustn't be that strong of an urge. That's true. Because, fuck, humanity would have to get very lazy. Because they weren't banging for pleasure in Kryptonia. No. Krypton? Yeah. Krypton?

Krypton? Krypton? Kryptonia. You know, the state city of Kryptonia. The vast empire of Kryptonia. Yes. Yeah, were they banging for pleasure like a dolphin? Probably not.

I doubt it. I don't think so. Yeah, would they bang him for pleasure? Like a dolphin? Probably not. I doubt it. I don't think so. Yeah, humans would be... Is Superman a creationist then? Maybe. Oh, dear. What is Superman... I mean, does he even think about any of that? Well, he can't be...

He'd struggle to be a creationist because he came from space. Oh, that's true. Oh, yeah. From another planet. But creationists are pretty single-minded. Like, you can put all the evidence in the world, including your from space. You still might be like,

well, no. If you look at the Bible. It doesn't say anything about me being from space. And then he'd probably have a really good example because like, well, clearly we are designed because I look like you, therefore we have a creator. Superman would probably get super

confused if he was a creationist and maybe think that he is a reincarnation of Jesus. There was a lot of that in that movie. I feel like Superman's the deal. I feel Zack Snyder thinks Superman is the reincarnation of Jesus. Let's get him on the podcast. And Paul Verhoeven thinks it's Robocop.

Hey, look, if I had to pick... Robocop. What? Robocop is basically... I thought you meant he thinks Superman is Robocop. look If I had to pick Robocop Robocop Is like Basically I thought you meant He'd think Superman Is Robocop

Yes I wish What a film That would be Man of Steel too Man of Steel Because he's Robocop And he's made of metal

What a long title It's a long title But it's a good one It'll get people In the cinema Designed by the coward Yeah Designed by the coward

Jesse James So do we think That the reasons Superman doesn't help out his parents is just that he's not educated? Well, it's not that he's not educated. I think he just doesn't get it. Because if he's helped out in the farm, he wouldn't necessarily be getting paid because the parents wouldn't be giving him wage.

They would just be helping out in the farm. So would he have a concept of money? I would say yes because he's in that weird small town, but would he have a concept of money? I think he probably wouldn't have a concept of money? I would say yes, because he's in that weird small town, but would he have a concept of money? I think he probably wouldn't have a concept of jobs equaling money. No, he's in debt. What? Are the parents in debt?

Yeah, they're in debt. They're in debt to the Luther family. Do they explain this to Clark? Yeah, he finds out, and he's like, and then he eats a Pop-Tart. That's funny. They're like, we're in debt, and he's like, why didn't you tell me?

And they're like, it's fine. He's like, okay. Oh, ah,'s fine he's like okay and he trips off to school he makes that noise too yeah i don't know why i guess it's classic clark noise because he's an alien he's just missing that social cue of yeah we're proud so we're not going to ask you for help but here is the problem that we're facing uh generally if you if you're in that with your own family your parents being like oh man bills are piling up you'd be like i'll i'll go out and look for a job yeah whereas the clerk is like you just said you were fine so i'm fine sweet yeah and i'll be chuffed i guess so his needs are different though as well yeah like he doesn't

it doesn't feel hunger like a person does. Whenever I watch him eat mashed potatoes with a small fella I'm like what's happening in your body?

Where's that mashed potato even going? You don't need that. Does Superman have a butthole, Jackson? Does Superman have a butthole? We don't know.

We don't know. We'll never know. The Kents probably do. They're probably like I'll change it. Martha! There's a latch. The thing that you turn.

Was there a key in the ship? Was there a key? This thing is singing at me. What does that mean? We can never let him be naked, Martha. Would he just break the toilet bowl every time? Yeah, I mean, the force alone. Because there's a scene in Secret Wars comic book

where this Beyonder, who is this celestial being type person, becomes human and is experiencing human emotions. And basically Spider-Man teaches him how to poop. Yeah. I think you've told me about that. Yeah. So there's a moment because he just basically eats a Spider-Man. He's like, I feel this weird pressure.

What does that mean? He's like, ah, well, there's a toilet. And then he's just like, that was great. And then just disappears and just fucks off somewhere. Does that mean anything? Yeah. Peter Parker's there like, I'm gonna deal with some beyonder shit. I imagine having Superman

as a son. Like the steel pipes of the Kent farm. The rickety Kent farm. Which Clark never fixes either. He's never like, oh hey, I've noticed that the barn's falling down. It'll take me seconds. He's like, oh, mum and dad,

I'm gonna have a Pop-Tart. Maybe he doesn't use a toilet, he just puts his butt up to an open window and just shoots it off into the horizon. Oh, the sun, yeah, there you go. Flies near the sun, gets supercharged. Takes a super shit. Maybe he just

sweats it out. Maybe. That'd be the worst. He'd be a sweaty man. He doesn't sweat, though. It doesn't seem like he does. That's because he's exerting energy. Yeah, when, though, is he ever getting tired? That's true.

When he's near that rock. That's about it. Yeah, only near Kryptonite. Yeah. And he's always like... And when he's fighting Doomsday, that seems to wear him out a bit. That happened in Smallville as well, didn't it? He fought Doomsday.

He fights Doomsday, but Doomsday's just some guy. Is he a cloud? Someone made the comparison of Smallville and Batman. If Batman's origin was the same way, he would have met the Joker and Ra's al Ghul and everything before he became Batman. Like Gotham. Yeah, I guess it is.

Exactly. Yeah, but Gotham doesn't have Batman. Oh, it does. There's a little Bruce Wayne. Yeah, Bruce Wayne. But also Smallville introduced us heaps of characters that changed Superman. Like, they're like, oh, there was

three girls that he was super in love with, but just unfortunate things happened, so he settled with Lois. Literally, that's... I'm not lying. He's like, I would love you. She existed in the comic books though. But also somebody called Chloe Sullivan. There was some other girl that he was in love with

Pete Ross is in it just one of his mates he's in love with him? no he's just his mate Lionel Luthor, Lex's dad who's fucking sick you like him?

is it his hair? yeah it is his hair but yeah it kind of changes the Superman myth mythos so much that i wish does it keep the same thing that like lex hates superman because he's results in his hair loss no but so in when no i'm not interested no it's hilarious shut up when baby clark's um spaceship whatever lands in the field it brings with it all these kryptonite rocks that give everybody superpowers, which is like the plot of the first eight seasons. Eight out of ten seasons.

But the only thing that happens to Lax is that he loses his hair. That's right. And he talks about it, he's like, it was a transformative experience. Now I'm a force for good. My superpower is that I can't grow hair. Male pattern baldness. He had long red hair didn't he? Yeah.

He was like a weird sickly kid. Yeah, and then he's like, oh, whatever. I'm good now and bald. Is he just smooth everywhere? I guess so. I think he's got eyebrows, doesn't he? Yeah, he does have eyebrows. He is a good Lex Luthor, though. Yeah, he's a great Lex Luthor.

All of the Lex stuff is pretty good in Smallville. The rest is nonsense, but that's all right. So Superman is just useless for the Kents. Yeah. It's lucky they love him. Yeah. I think, yeah, you're right. I don't think he doesn't help out because he doesn't want to.

I think he's just ignorant. Yeah, he just doesn't know. And a creationist. Someone should just tell him. Maybe. Just be like, help. And be like, oh, shit. Oh, my God. Sorry. I be like, help. And he'll be like, oh, shit. Oh, my God.

Sorry. There's one scene where he's just like smacking posts into the ground in anger. And you're like, Clark, no. It's going to take your dad so long to pull them out again. Oh, he wasn't putting a fence up. I don't think so. He's just slamming them into the ground in fury. And you're like, it's going to take your dad literally a week to get them out.

Could he at least use his anger and build a fence around some cows that need a fence? Does he become Superman at the end of Smallville? Yeah, last episode. You don't really say it, though. He puts on his suit and he flies away. What a dickhead. Yeah. Yep.

Well, on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been that note I've been Joel I've been Jackson I've also been Joel I've been James fuck you Superman get a job and get a job save your father you're lazy fuck yeah get a job it's not easy to be me Me