Plumbing the Death Star - Why Doesn't Rogue Use Protection?

Episode Date: December 7, 2015

In which our heroes set the danger room to romance, telepathically pour a class of champagne and rearrange the molecules in a strawberry to turn it into chocolate all the while wondering why Rogue doesn’t just use protection. We look at the many benefits of Leech, get into a small argument over Rogue’s real name, and discuss the transition from the X-Mansion to the SeX-Mansion. Jackson is forced to eat spiders, Zammit solves the problem straight off the bat, and Duscher is just straight brick-dickin’. So write down your peculiar sexual needs, send off an email to Tony Stark, and wait patiently for him to solve your very specific problem.Want to help build a machine for letting rogue bang? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can can help her get her rocks off.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least thirty-nine books about the pros and cons of super powered tantric love.Want to come see just how handsome we really are? Well now’s your chance as we’re doing another live show on the 10th of December. Just head to https://sanspantslive.eventbrite.com.au for more information and to book your ticket now! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sanspence Radio, two joels and a pod. Hey, you look cold. Have my jacket. Just kidding, buy one. This one's mine. Head to redbubble.com, search for Sanspence Radio and buy a fucking hoodie. Chivalry's dead, motherfucker. Hey guys, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, why doesn't Rogue just use protection? Because Rogue, if Rogue touches someone, they shrivel up and get sick. Yeah. Well, yeah, she drains their life force. Drains their life force, gets their powers and memories. Hassle.

Yep. Hassle. Not worth your time. But we all, you know, one of Rogue's big issues is that she can't't be intimate she can't have you know physical contact and i understand that that's fair enough but you use some protection and you should be fine do you mean like a full body condom oh i mean like at least a condom and then maybe you've developed a condom that goes over your balls that's what i'm talking about and it's like pants it's like little undies. Rogue is in luck. So basically that, right? And that's what we can develop.

However, you know what the Marvel Universe has? Geniuses. So many geniuses that if I, like, you know, threw a billiard ball out in the street, I'd maybe hit four. I'm sure I could maybe devise. They could devise something. It would be rough in the Marvel universe to get like just as an aside to get like a low task or just like any because you'd be like not only am i like dumber than most

of people in my class the top level people in my class are actual superhuman geniuses i am so dumb that i am actually the minority of this world i am good for nothing i don't have super strength i'm just shit. I think you just sign up for any sort of lab testing. You'd be like, you got a radioactive spider for me to eat? I'll do it. It just sounds like what living in your body in real life is like, Jackson.

It does. I'm always looking for radioactive spiders to eat. This doesn't taste any different. It just tastes like regular spiders. Who I tried in an earlier Lab Exprimer. Jackson, just eat these spiders. What is this for? Eat the spiders, man.

This doesn't look like a labrador. Eat the spiders. The film's rolling. All right. But no, okay. Gross. With the rogues in protection thing, I can sort of sympathize with her,

just because she can't touch people, and I feel like touching people is a big part of foreplay. Fair enough. I understand there's some issues. It's like being like, hey, Joel, you can't have sex at the moment unless you just fuck a vacuum cleaner. I'm probably just going to stick with the no sex. Okay, so in the Marvel Universe, we have several things here.

I'm just going to throw you away. I might be thinking about this too grounded. We have the mutant inhibitor collars. So we just clock them on your neck. Kinky. Okay, I'm so on board. And it just stops your power? And then your powers no longer work.

All right? Or if you want to get kind of weird with it, there's a kid called, a mutant called Leech. No, that's too weird. Who can sap your powers. So if he's like in the vicinity, next room. So what if Frodo goes up to him and she's like, hey, Leech, and he's like, called, a mutant called Leech. No, that's too weird. Who can sap your powers. So if he's like in the vicinity, next room. So what if Frodo goes up to him and she's like, hey, Leech. And he's like, yeah, what up?

No, no, no. Not even hey, Leech, just in the same vicinity. She's southern, isn't she? Yeah. Yeah, but you're going to be like, hey, Leech, you reckon you could just like stay in the TV room while I go in here with Colossus? And Leech is like, Gambit, you fuckwit. Whatever, she's banging Colossus in my story. Fine.

I think Gambit's going to get a little bit jealous. I think Colossus is man enough to take Gambit down. Also, so is Kitty. Yes. Whatever, they'll all be. In Professor X's sex school, everything's fine. Groovy. Well, then again, with Colossus...

It's a very groovy mutation. There was an episode on issue of X-Men where Colossus... X-Men. X-Men. Uncanny X-Men. Where Colossus makes out with Rogue unexpectedly and he's fine. So I'm guessing... Yeah, she could just bang Colossus in his steel form. Yeah, there you go.

Colossus is like a perfect man. And plus, if Leech is nearby, how good? How good? Leech is going to be like, often Rogue wants me to just stand outside her bedroom door with headphones on i don't know what that's for because i'm like 12 but okay and then beast's gonna walk by and be like rogue's banging in that option ah gee and another one is i guess banging magneto because apparently he has the ability to put like a very fine magnetic sheath around himself and enables him to touch Rogue.

Huh. Or Anna, as her name is. No, no. Let's call her Rogue. Let's call her Rogue. Okay. Anna's not her name. That's the actress's name.

No. Anna Kendricks. Anna Paquin. Isn't Rogue's name... Camilla? It's not Rogue. I don't think it'squin. Isn't Rogue's name... Camilla? It's not Rogue. I don't think it's Anna. No, it's fucking...

It's something... A? A? Let's just get a quick fact check. Pause for a second. It's fucking... Anna Marie. Marie!

That's the name I was thinking of. No, it's Anna Marie. Yeah, I know. But Marie is the name I was thinking of. The full name is Anna Marie. Well, it's Anna Marie something, but we don't know. Which is the name I was thinking Full name is Anna Marie Well it's Anna Marie something but we don't know Which is Southern that's pretty Southern I think they call her Marie in the movies

And that's what I was basing my knowledge of Ryan Singer he knows what's up I feel like the The Axe Mansion would probably Become a little bit of a sex mansion Just because Well I feel like yeah You get a lot of horny teens

together in the same place the problem is I think that we've pretty much solved it straight away yeah and also if any of

these three problems don't like issues you've got the Magneto of course making that thing but you've got also

Tony Stark Mr. Fantastic you'd be like Xavier could just be like hello I've got a student with this problem she can't touch people

can you build something that helps us out a little bit? You, Jill, you'd be rogue. Jackson. Southern. You're Tony Stark. All right. Tony Stark.

Rogue, you're calling Tony Stark to see if he can help out with your little problem. I'm rogue. Rogue? Is that Southern? Hey, Tony, it's Anna Marie Rogue. You know me. I'm aware of you, yes. I got this little problem.

I'm Southern too now, apparently. I got this little problem. You know me. Is it aliens? No, it's more personal. Like sewer dudes? No, not sewer dudes. Those lovely people.

Have you met Leach? He is just a divine little creature. Anywho. You're going to waste my time. Look, Tony, Mr. Stark, I have this problem where if I touch people, I absorb their life essence, their memories, their powers, and I want to be able to touch people. Is that?

Like a suit? Are you aware I mostly just make Iron Man suits? No, I know, but I was wondering. The majority of what I do is make mechanical suits that I live inside of. You're like a very handsome man. You're trying to flirt with Tony Stark a little bit. You're like a handsome man, and you have a design like a star. Just take a moment here. Do you know the amount of stuff I do that allows,

the amount of things I create just so that the mutants can bang? That is like at least a good 40% of what my company does. Well, that's basically what I'm asking. It's Iron Man suits and stuff so X-Men can fuck. Well, then that's great news. Like I'll send you one out. You have one for me? Go through Professor X because he sends me a dossier

of all the new mutants he's got. And I make machines so they can bang. And I'm not happy about it, Rogue. I am not happy about it. Why are you happy about it? All right, because this is, I have better things to do with my time. Do you have, what about me? I'm hanging up now.

What about me, Mr. Tony Stark? Do you have better things to do with my time? Do it through Professor X, because this is not, this is not my problem or my prerogative. I'm so sick of this. And then you hang up and have a little salt. Because I imagine it would be such a problem, because not just for Rogue. Colossus has a metal wang sometimes. Some of the mutants are like fucking the bird guy.

And you're like, where are his genitals? Mr. Sensitive, he's now dead but Mr Sensitive he's like couldn't touch anyone without being in constant agony yeah so Tony Stark will probably be just like making sex machines for the X-Men, Professor X will be like yes we've got some new students Tony

and he'll be like ah gee it's like Herman Blob, I wonder what his name is he's just this gelatinous thing he's like I've got one guy who's like, he's like radioactive. You touch him, you get cancer. See what you can do there. One guy's made of blocks. It's cool.

He's like several different little cubes and they come together. But most of the time they're apart. Me together's hard. So I don't know what you can do there, Tony. You're a clever guy. One guy's a ghost. He's not even a mutant. He's just a ghost. He has ghost powers,

but so like, you know. I mean, you'd think when you die, all of the nerves and stuff die, but he wants sex, Tony. He wants it bad, and he won't stop talking about it. So poor Tony Stark. I kind of feel

like Rogue's been rejected by Tony. But not rejected, Tony's just sick of it. Do you know who I feel like would have a similar problem but we'd be totally for it still? Our boy, Dr. Fantastic. I think Dr. Fantastic would be like, I'll be right there, don't you worry. I'll be over there to help you out right this instant.

Or sort of like, hi, is this Reed Rich's? Anna Marie! Yes, it is I, Dr. Fantastic! You're on my list! I've been expecting this call for six weeks now. What list was that, Darmot? Because in my mind, I jumped to the idea of Professor X

sends a list off to Tony Stark and a list off to Dr. Fantastic. And he's like, whoever builds the best sex robot gets the Christmas ham. Let the games begin. I already know who won because I can read your mind. Tony Stark is having none of this but Fantastic. Oh, he's all over it.

Fantastic has built six for the cube guy. One for each cube I'm guessing Ray would have a lot of Because his bros Need like He's got a dude with a stretchy dick He's got an invisible vagina He's got a flame dick and a brick dick

Yeah that brick dick So cube man would be like Nothing compared to brick dick I've already got a machine That helps Brick Man have Cube Man upset. But mine is like some huge industrial thing that you just feed the cube. Penis into? No, just like a cube of skin that you're like, and it comes out and it's like, I'm satisfied.

I can play with my belt. You're like, Reid, what does it do? Even I don't know. Look at me stretch. Well, I mean, that's a good question I mean like I mean do we think the thing came up to Mr. Fantastic Doctor Fantastic

sorry yeah after the crash and was like well now that I'm so the thing is like with his blind girlfriend Alicia and he's like

it's a clobbering time hey Doctor Mr. Reed um so me and Alicia we wanna get it on. I'll take the case.

She's blind. She hasn't seen or touched anything yet. Can you help? I guess the question here is, does the thing have rock dick? Is he straight up got a brick dick? Is he brick dicking down there? I'm going to go with yes. I think he's straight brick dicking.

He's straight brick dicking. So that means that Doctor Fantastic is going to have to I've got an idea I'm going to just wrap around And smooth out their bricks Smooth out the edges I don't know how I feel about that I mean technically

I'll be inside her as well But it's non-sexual for me As all things You'll feel it. Eh? Eh? Then you know I'm not gonna tear. I'm gonna be straight with you, thing.

Can I call you the thing? No. Listen, bend the thing, thing. You're straight brick dick in there, my friend. And the only solution I have Put me on your dick Or Like a buffer

Like a sand belt Just to polish it So it's all nice and smooth Wait does he have sensation I don't know Is he just a very generous lover Ben the thing thing Ben the thing thing

generous lover I'm thinking if he's like made of bricks and he's strong he can punch shit he's probably got some feeling but it's not there so I'm guessing

if his dick is made of bricks there are going to be nerve endings but they're going to be quite deadened underneath the brick sort of like a circumcised penis but also rocks yeah so maybe

if he's like he's like oh my god I don't know I I feel about this. Listen, this is just two friends helping each other out. My voices have changed a lot, for all of them. I've gone from the Thing voice being Dr. Fantastic. I didn't know who you were talking to at one point.

I'm like, is he the Thing or is he Mr. Fantastic? Straight Brick Dickin'! Was that the Thing talking about his own penis? I assumed yes. Straight Brick Dickin'! Just pointing at it and everything. Oh my god. Oh my god, right. Straight brick dicking. Was that the thing talking about his own penis? I assumed yes. Straight brick dicking. Just pointing at it and everything. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, right.

Ben, oh, my God. Well, you know what? The thing clearly has a wang. Straight brick dicking. Sorry. The thing clearly has a wang because he wears little shorts to cover his shame. So someone thought about it. Little brick dick.

Yeah. Little brick dick. So I'm guessing, yeah, he could smooth that out. He could smooth that out. Does he have a rocky anus? Yeah. Yeah. He does rocky poops. Little tiny dick. So I'm guessing, yeah, he could smooth that out. He could smooth that out. Does he have a rocky anus? Yeah. He does rocky poops. Little tiny cubes.

Like a walnut. What is his ball situation? Because I can imagine a brick dick. What is the thing's ball situation? Does he have to shave? Everything became rocks. No. I hope not.

Not little hairs growing out of the cracks in his face. Or his pubics I think he's got a really hairy butt crack yeah, that's so disgusting that's like finding like a sea anemone in rock pools yeah but yes

and like Johnny Storm that's his name, yeah, the human torch he's not on fire all the time. But if he just got too excited and was like, flame on, then everyone used him. Why did you say flame on, John? He beats the shit out of you. I'm so excited. How are you mutated to just turn into fire when you say flame on?

I think it's more of like his power word. Like, he's concentrated enough. Yeah. And so it's a way to get himself under control. He's devised a power word, which is him just yelling flame on. Do you reckon the thing thinks that it's club way to get himself under control he's devised a power word which is him just yelling flame on do you reckon the thing thinks that it's clubber in time is his power word but it doesn't really work because he's a brick man all the time

he's always straight brick dick straight brick dick well what marvel x-men are going to have just massive problems with sexual I'd say about 85% of them I reckon maggot my favourite character maggot problems with sexual... I'd say about 85% of them. I reckon Maggot. Yeah, because he's got the two maggots.

My favourite character, Maggot. Because he doesn't have a digestive system. Those are just maggots. I guess all his junk would work. It'd be more like gross. Yeah. Speaking of gross, Toad, slimy dick, for sure. You know, either Reed or Tony's going to develop

some kind of anti-sliming machine. And plus, no one's banging Toad. When Professor X is going through the pages, he's like, Toad, I'll just scribble that one out. Well, Professor X is paralyzed, so that's kind of hard. Yeah, nothing's happening there. Colossus, Steel Man. But again, he can kind of transform, so that's not an issue.

What about Kitty Pryde who can phase through shit? She can phase through. But my issue is that at the moment of orgasm I feel like you're not going to be in yeah she phases through it happens

yeah there you go same thing with Colossus he's going to be like oh oh my god I'm so sorry and then hopefully he's with Kitty

so she can phase and it all works out and then they can just go see a doctor immediately yes yes little douches

adorable I sneeze like a man let's say Jean Grey is Iceman adopt it immediately. Yes, yes. Little douche is adorable. I sneeze like a man. Okay, let's say, you know, Jean Grey is fine. Iceman, when he's only stuck in his ice, it sometimes happens when he's stuck in his ice form. Yeah.

That's just going to be cold loving. But that's just some kind of like full body, like even like a heating thing. Yeah, I think that would be fine. You know, Cyclops, you know what a big Cyclops? Just like a little lacquer band behind his glasses you're done stretch out forward and then snap back onto his eye

and he's going to be like that was a near miss just letting you know unless you've got very severely deformed well I mean that's a big issue Blob is he an X-Man? well he's an X-Man villain, but you know. Beast is stray blue-dicking.

Yeah, but... It'd be like banging a blue ape. It's fine. Like, morally and socially, you might be like... Well, not morally, but definitely socially, you'd look down upon. Yeah. For banging Beast?

Yeah, I reckon so. Oh, poor Beast. Hey, that's on society. Well, okay, so we're like, we're like looking at this from the perspective that like maybe Professor X wants to be Professor Sex and it's not an X-Mansion, it's a Sex-Mansion and he's going out of his way

to facilitate the banging of his students. That's fine. But maybe the reason Rogue doesn't use protection is because Professor X doesn't allow it. This is like puritanical shit. No banging at the X-Mansion. Maybe it's like, you know, you don't bang before a sporting event?

Maybe he doesn't want his X-Men bagging before they go out. It happens under his nose. He can't be everywhere. He doesn't have eyes in the back of his head. He just has eyes everywhere. Not in a creepy way. Yeah, like, I guess, guess yeah that's a good point like Professor X can see everything

and if he didn't want people maybe they got reprimanded maybe he wheeled down to their room really quick and what's going on I fucking know I literally have eyes everywhere I know what you're doing that is disgusting

don't like it. Well, maybe he's jealous because he can't bang people. Well, maybe he likes the idea that people bang because he can just, I don't know, take over one of them. Or at least just live in their mind for a bit and be like, this isn't good. Man's sex was rad. Boy, do I miss it.

I miss the 60s. Professor X would miss the hell out of the 60s I had hair and a girlfriend and I was happy I don't know can we not have this conversation again Wolverine is a lover Wolverine would be fine

he doesn't have bones in his dick so he doesn't need to worry about adamantine his penis would probably just be a penis. Plus, I mean, not just X-Men. I'm sure everyone would help out with Blob. Yeah, he's affiliated. I'm guessing there's a lot of other mutants out there.

Evil geniuses that'll help out. What a good business. Do you know the amount of mutants that are going to have issues? Because we're just talking about the classic dude. You know, the classic ones like Maggot, Blob. The semi-classics? The semi-classics? Adam X the Extreme?

What a champ. He's half a Birdman. Anyway. How good. Whatever. But like, what about like, I mean, anything can happen, you know, like you could have a cube dude. You could.

You know? You could have a cube dude. Look, when it comes down to it, Rogue, don't beat yourself up. You're good. I think Rogue might not have just looked at many options. She might have looked at any option. She might have just had a bit of a whine. Oh, my.

Yeah, a little southern. A little southern. Maybe she's probably just playing. Playing hard to get. Maybe she just want to bang Gambit. I don't want to bang Gambit bang Colossus she's like she can

and she's like oh but I could what about a little fucking leech here and he's like I'm 12 I don't know

what you want from me Gambit's like I'm 12 don't use me in your psychosexual mind games come on Rogue

let's do this I don't know I just want to wait till I'm married that's a very southern thing to do maybe Rogue just wants to

wait till marriage maybe she's a good honest girl a very Southern thing to do. Maybe Rogue just wants to wait till marriage. Maybe. She's a good, honest girl. Maybe Slothless is like Rogue does need protection. It's just that she chooses not to. Yeah. And then Gambit's just kind of forcing her, but he's like blue ball and like hell.

Fucking throwing cards into the wall being like. Just go bang like Kitty Pryde. Or just go up to Professor X and be like, can you just like put in my head what it would be like to be banging Rogue? That frightens me that that is a thing that Professor X could do. Yeah, all right. Sure, Galbatron, maybe, why not? All right, let's do that then.

Was that good for you? Gross. Yeah, it was great. New Orleans accent, hard to do. Anywho. No, I'm not even going to try. I think we're sorted here. Yeah, that was great. New Orleans accent. Hard to do. Anywho. No, I'm not even going to try. I think we're sorted here. Yeah.

I think there's no reason why she doesn't just use protection and she probably just doesn't want to. And hey, that's fine. Whatever. And that's her choice and you're not more power to her. Yeah. And if you got... Fuck you, Gambit.

Yeah. Gambit, you piece of shit. Stop. Hey. You fucking sewer rat. Hey, Gambit. Swamp rat. Yeah.

Fuck you. Yeah. Fuck you, Gambit. Fuck rat Yeah Fuck you Yeah Fuck you Gambit Fuck you Yeah I think So the takeaway message In this is that Colossus Champion

Love all Gambit Pushy Gambit Kind of a creep Little bit of a creepy Sewer rat piece of shit Pushy dick

Don't like him Don't like him at all Yeah Hey On that note I've been Joel I've been Jackson And I've also been Joel

I'm sweaty Hey If you've got a sex problem, call Professor X. He'll write it down and send off two little dossiers to his genius friends. Yeah. And you'll get two sex machines. For the price of one. Yeah.

I'm assuming it's part of tuition. Does a sex machine, does this cover the sex machine? Tax deductible. Ah, yes. Does this cover the sex machine? Tax deductible. Ah, yes. We'll just hook that into the daydream and off you go. Don't you worry.

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