Plumbing the Death Star - Why Don't Wizards Rule the World? (Feat. Alli)

Episode Date: August 24, 2015

In which our heroes cast powerful spells, wear a pointy hat, and live in a magical tower as we ask why wizards don't rule the world. We discuss Wizard power levels, making your castle spectacular, and the function of a monarch in todays society. Alli quickly sets her sights on immortality, Zammit solves his problem with a gulag, and Jackson just wants to solve world hunger. So grow your beard long, buy an owl and talk to it, and try not to get your star and moon robe dirty. It's a wizardocracy and it's time you got used to it.Want to help fund a rescue effort to free Jackson’s cows? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help save thousands.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least seven books on running the perfect society. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hey, everyone, and welcome to another episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, why don't wizards rule the world? It's wizards. Let's talk about wizards. Let's lay wizards down on the table. Like define a wizard? What is a wizard?

Yeah. Needs a beard. Beard, cloak, pointy hat, wand or staff. Done. That's your wizard. My question is, in a typical fantasy universe, so we're talking like a Dungeons and Dragons universe, we're talking like not necessarily a Tolkien universe, but maybe a fantasy novel universe, so we're talking like a Dungeons and Dragons universe, we're talking like a, not even necessarily a Tolkien universe,

but maybe a fantasy novel universe, or something like that. One where wizards aren't hidden, where magic's not hidden. And wizards are, these are the people that are practicing magic. So magic is an inornate thing, and people can tap into this magic,

and use it to weave fabric, the realities of fabric to what they want. Opposed to Harry Potter, where wizards are hidden. No, they should rule the world. They should as well, but that's not my point. So you have an elite class of people who have access to a reality bending force or substance

yet for some reason they spend all their time cooped up learning more about this magic this reality bending substance or force. So my question is, why in all of those fantasy worlds is everybody not living under, like, a wizardocracy? Why are wizards not just fucking dominating

the fantasy worlds that they exist within? Yeah, because if you think about wizards, any of their spells that they do, if I can conjure fire, I am a ruler of people. If I can conjure wind, ice, anything like that. If I can make a blizzard like that. Like Elsa. Like Elsa. I should control a person.

But if we take even away the idea that that's elemental magic, but even stuff where it's like you make those golems who are like a flesh golem. I'd be like, hey, how are you doing? My name's Jackson the wizard. Check out my rock go you make those like golems. Yeah. Who are like a flesh golem. I mean, like, hey, how you doing? My name's Jackson the Wizard. Check out my rock golem army. Give me a city. Yeah. I rule it.

You want to burn to death? I can pull that shit. And if you're a wizard that can control minds, holy shit. You're like, yeah, I'm the wizard. I rule the city. Someone's like, hey, you're not doing it great. You're like. You're the best at ruling this city. You're amazing. You just charm them and they're like, you're a fucking great leader. And you're like, yep, you're not doing it great. You're like... You're the best at ruling this city.

You're amazing. You just charm them and they're like, you're a fucking great leader. And you're like, yep, see you around. I think wizards are crazy. I think that's the problem. The wizards often, because you find like they've got a little bit of magic and there's often this thought like, I need to be more, I need to be more, I need to be stronger, I need to be better, I need to tap more into this.

And because they go crazy and I think a combination of they go nuts, but before that they have an air of superiority over the common folk. Which they deserve, yes. Yes, granted. But it's like, why would I bother getting involved in these petty little politics when I can conjure fire with my goddamn mind? But see, it wouldn't be

petty little politics, that's the thing. Because if you're a wizard and you take over a city, then you're just wealthy and living a very relaxed, cushy life you don't have to deal with the politics if somebody comes to you and they're like uh jackson the wizard uh my weight my wheat my weight my wheat crop is failing can you do something about it i could be like charm person they're like i love you i like that you didn't fix the weight i don't need to why do i have to i'm a fucking wizard, but in that situation, you're not ruling the world.

You're just becoming lazier shit. I guess, yeah. That's what Jackson would be like as a wizard. What do you want to do? Do you want to be, like, just a lazy piece of shit that all he does is sit on his throne? But even then, you even need a throne. You could just sit on a chaise lounge.

I would get them to make me an elaborate throne or an elaborate chaise lounge. Yeah, and just, like, sit there and get someone to feed you. You really only need maybe mind control like five people. Well, I think it depends on what a wizard wants. Yeah. Because... Because like if we have a wizard, let's just get an archetypal

wizard who is just... Not just I want to learn about being a wizard, but like, no, this world is mine. Yep. And I'm going to take it by force. Other wizards. Yes, other wizards about being a wizard. But no, this world is mine. Yep. And I'm going to take it by force. Other wizards. Yes, other wizards would be a problem. But then where does it go?

Wizard war? You're right. There'd be a wizard war. Wizard war one. Wizard war one. Wizard war two. But the issue then is what kind of person would want to rule the world? He'd be making a dictator, really.

That's all I'm saying. I'm not. Guys. Yeah. That's what I meant. Of course he'd be making a dictator really. That's all I'm saying. I'm not... Guys, that's what I meant. Of course you'd be a dictator. If I have magic powers and I'm like, I'm gonna rule the city, I'm not gonna be like, I got magic powers, I'm gonna rule the city.

Fairly. I'm like, I am objectively superior to the common man. In an objective very literal sense, I'm superior. So what do you do? Alright, you rule the world, you're the wizard. I am. You've ruled

the world, what are you doing? Just basking in it. Just basking in the glory. So we just chuff off and do our own thing and you just literally just don't do a thing? Well, I think I'd eventually mould the world into the sort of shape and the design that I want it to be. Until you're overthrown by

another like we'll see there that's the problem that is a problem of other wizards but what is your what is your idea well i'm curious to see so imagine me me sitting cross-legged but that's my castle you live inside yeah like a giant stone statue of me cross-legged, and that's my castle, and I live inside. I've got all the comforts in the world, the finest silk, the finest food and meat in the land. I guess I'm just living a life of luxury. Yeah, so do you even care what the common folk are even doing?

It's not really a bother for me. You're not really ruling the world. They're just like, blah, blah, blah, blah. By the way, our country is ruled by a wizard, but he just stays up in his castle. He doesn't bother us.

You're like the old school royal families. Like, we've got one. Yeah. You've literally just turned into the royal family. Yeah, they have no constitutional power. Well, here's what'll happen then. I feel like I get the town. I'm like, build me a me statue to live in. They're like constitutional power. Well, here's what'll happen then. I feel like I get the town.

I'm like, build me a me statue to live in. They're like, done. I live in that for a bit. I'm like, this is nice, but I'm bored. And then I'm like, hey, squire. And he's like, yes, sir. And I'm like, our neighboring kingdoms we got. Let's go to war.

Why not? As a goof. Go to war with another neighboring kingdom. That's going to kill some time. Sick. Expand out. Rule the world. And then what?

Die. Reach the natural end of my life. Chore font. Honestly, if you went to war with a neighboring country, they'd have a wizard. No. They'd be like, you've seen that beautiful movie Troy? Yes.

With those two armies and they're fighting. Look, we're going to fight our biggest dude here and we're going to pit him against your warriors. Let's not in this needless bloodshed. Just one v one. What's going to happen?

Achilles just wakes up and he's like, yo, I'll stab a dude. Stab a dude and he's won. I feel like that might happen. I feel like they'd end up making like wizard battles. No, no, no.

Just the generals of your army who are common folk would be like, look, our wizard kings are fucking morons. We've been sent to war. Beheaded. No, I was a little under the weather.

Oh, I'll hear about it. I'm a wizard. Anyway. Behead him. Turn him into frogs. He might. That's probably how. Turn the other army into frogs.

If you are the only one who has wizarding powers. No, there are other wizards. Okay. I'm not a soul wizard. For the sake of argument, you're the one with the wizard powers. Okay. You would be like, all right, okay, I don't want to have bloodshed. Or maybe you do.

I don't know you. I don't want to have bloodshed. And they go, all right, our best man, he comes out there with, I'm assuming this is medieval times. Yeah, same. Modern times is cool, though. It is cool. Comes out with a fucking, like know an ak some of them some

of these ones anyone else want to challenge i'll challenge 10 of your dudes although snipers might be an issue for you yeah well see that's the thing we updated to the do you mean like marvel's shield no i mean like you should have a shield oh yeah i'm assuming you have a magic shield but if they catch me unawares shield of invulnerability. I don't know if that's true. Cast a spell on myself, make myself super strong. Done. Whatever. My danger, of course, is that I can get outnumbered.

That's the inherent danger of one wizard versus 10,000 men. You're still going to get people reaching you. Eventually. I'm fat. I haven't been doing anything but ruling for years. Depends on the power level of you as a wizard. Well, then I guess we've got to talk about wizard power levels. We've got to chuck that into the goddamn fray now.

We do. What is the limit? Is there an upper limit? How do you get more powerful as a wizard? You lock yourself in a tower and study scrolls and go mad. You can't do that as a king. No, you can't. You could, though. You could be like, this is right. You're dealing do that as a king. You could though. You could be like

this is right here. You're dealing with kingly bullshit. Yeah, I know, but you could be like, look, here's what I'm going to do. Get your second in charge. You're going to be like a recluse who is the king. Then I'm going to come out and be like, wow, everybody's cheaters. And then just do like a yearly purge.

Yes! Yearly purge! Yearly purge? Send the... Yearly purge, turn half the population into cows, feed the other half. Done. Good job. I might be a really good ruler, guys.

Because you're not eating people, you're eating cats. Yeah, I'm like, no, they were people, they're cows now. Everyone's like, no, put them back. You can turn them back. They're just cows now. They're not clever. They're not sentient at all. They're just cows. This one's sentient. This is my wife and she's headbutting me. It clears a relationship.

It's a cow. Cow's headbutt. Eat your wife or I'll make you a cow. And I'll eat you. Eat your wife or I'll make you a cow. Alright. That's the kind of shit you're getting under the rule of Jackson the Great. Jackson the Amazing. But with Jackson the Amazing and Jackson and all the other

names, with wizards and magic generally, you have to have some sort of limitation because, yeah, you're right. If the wizards are untapped potentially, there needs to be a payoff as in if you become too powerful or you try and dabble with

these things, you generally go insane. So there needs to be some sort of payoff. That's how generally good worlds have magic. Could I not just run a campaign of fear? Say I'm at level 5

out of an, let's say level 15 out of an eventual 100. 100 being, like, the greatest, most insane sorcerer in the world, 15 being, like, I'm a fine wizard. And I burn somebody's face, and they're like, he's got powers. And then I just very, very liberally use my powers so that everybody in my kingdom thinks I am, like, level 100. Could I not just pull one of those sneakies? You could, but how addicting is magic? How addictive is magic? That is the question.

Well, yeah, I mean, do you have a limited source before you go nuts? Can I... Yeah, but that's why I don't want to go... I'm not gonna learn anymore. Yeah, but you might not be in control of that. The magic might take control. Hmm. I guess that's the danger of magic, is the magic itself is

fairly unpredictable. So let's just assume magic is like cocaine. A little bit will help you in the short term by making you do a lot of stuff real quickly and efficiently. But if you go too far... Yeah. Well, here's the plan, then.

You're dead. You're bleeding out of your nose. Dead. Here's the plan. I get wizarded I become a king, I become a ruler right, hit that point detox over the course of like a good month

have some liver pills nothing but filtered water and brown rice stay off the magic, stay off the smack and then I've reached a certain level, stay off the magic, stay off the smack. And then I've reached a certain level, I'm a king, I'm comfortable, and then, yeah, maybe babies. You know, that's an idea.

Would you let your babies take over? No, they can kill me if they want the kingdom. That's definitely true. See, the problem is either A, other wizards, B, people who don't like your tyrannic rule, like knights and shit. I'm doing good. Give people cows to eat. I'm turning half the population into cows and the other half are eating those cows.

You're going to piss off a couple of people. Yeah. Just saying. Well, if I use a wizard spell, say, to animate my Jackson Fortress, anybody who is perceived as a threat, I can just squish with my big stone hands. Let's just say you've got a group of ten.

And you catch eight. Because those are the really obvious ones. Then there's two more. Then they go out and make another cell and that's ten of them. And then you catch, say, five of those because the other five have been real sneaky. Basically what you're doing is making the super bug, like the super germ of wizard killers.

Could I not? Yes. This has turned into less, why don't wizards rule the world? Because we're just like, they should. And this has become more just like, let's take down Jackson's tyrannical wizard rule and see what solutions he comes up with. Well, that's the inherent problem

of all wizards, is that they're going to get to this point of like, oh, what else? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What if I hired more wizards? But then wouldn't they want to take control? No, I think they'd be okay. If you're level 15, what if they're like level 20 and a little bit insane? Mmm. Mmm.

Then I kill them? Turn them into cows? Turn them into cows? Can I make like a magical bomb collar and put that on them and hold the trigger and if they ever act a little I'm like you're a cow and I'm like I don't know why that's my voice

but it is I think you've gone insane well we have reached level 90 I think it happened I think the've gone insane. Well, we have reached level 90, ladies and gentlemen. I think it happened. I think the moment I came out and I was like, half of you are cows

and you shall consume the other half. Everyone was like, crazy wizard rule. We are ruled by a crazy wizard. Yeah. Because again, I see with this, you're going to have a lot of people

uprising against you. So then what? And even if you do destroy them all or turn them all into cows, you're just a ruler of cows. You're a farmer, Jack. You've turned into a farmer. What a great farmer. I also think at that point, I'm clearly insane enough that it probably doesn't bother me. And I'm like, come to me, my cow subject.

And then you dress them up as peasants. And I'll come up and be like, what wares of you for me? And they'll just moo at you. It's super disgusting to imagine like you're a knight on an errant quest and you arrive at a kingdom with a giant

like half broken down castle. And you come in and there arrive at a kingdom with a giant like half broken down me castle castle and you come in and there's just a crazy wizard suckling on the teeth of a cow and you're just like i'm gonna sheath my sword turn around not bother with this he's doing no one any harm what you've almost created is in this situation a cold war you've created a cold war because you've got particularly if there's more than one wizard. Say six or seven wizard kings. You've basically got a Cold War happening. Say that you don't treat your subjects like complete and utter shit.

Say you're a decent ruler. You then have credit because you're like, all right, well, I can create your kingdom into cows. And he's like, well, I can create your kingdom into cows. And he's like, well, I can create your kingdom into cows. And they've both got their finger on the button, so to speak. Your kingdom into lizards. Then my lizards will eat your cows. That's the how lizards work.

I win. I think, though, it's like the Cold War, if everyone was actually mentally ill. Yeah. So it's like, i could turn them all into cows and they're like will you your highness yes everybody's cows and then again i'm just ruling cows seems like the end result of a lot of my plans is me just ruling cows yeah uh is it only the select few who are wizards is it a group of, a lot of people? Well, if we're talking, like, you've got, like, a magical academy, right? Like, Hogwarts style.

That's my plan. The danger there is that that academy clearly has its own set of rules, and they're going to be like, we're taking down Jackson the Amazing because he's not only a danger to the world but to wizards. He gives us a bad name. And cows. I like to think of the presentation there being like,

Jackson the Amazing, and the head person just comes up with a whiteboard marker, just puts un in front of it. What do we do with this problem? Un-Jackson the Amazing? Yes. Yes. Un-Jackson the Amazing. You're like, he's amazing, but he's not very Jackson.

He's the insane cow ruler. Un-Jackson the Amazing, the ruler of cows. Really, it's less of why does a wizard rule the world and then why doesn't a group of wizards rule the world, which is what you do see anyway in something like, say, Harry Potter. This is Sweet Angel's idea. I'm going to make a wizarding, I don't want to say academy, but like faction.

Because that's what you need. You need a solid army of wizards. And then I would like to be the dynamic leader, much like John Connor. Okay. I don't know who the resistance is fighting. Me? Is that what's happening?

Am I Skynet? Okay, Ali. Where is this off to, Ali? Anyway. Go on. No, I would like to make a wizarding faction. And so you... I've got the hiccups.

That's fine. You train your subjects. Not really subjects, but you train your elite to follow the same values. So you're saying less... I'm a dictator. Again. Yeah. But you're saying less one dictator and more like

a cult? Yes. One dictator with like... Armies. An army. Of the same values. And then... What are those values? Yeah, that's the question, really. What are those values? Not cows? Everyone is cows, secretly. No, I mean, like, as in...

I'd like to think that if I did run a wizarding world, it would be quite nice. Well, you're starting off with, I'm going to be a dictator, but a nice dictator, so please enlighten us. That's a start. Okay, so let's say five rules that your wizards have got to follow.

Let's go. Everyone has to be fed. Okay. That's a pretty good rule. My rule too. I did the same thing. Whatever. Everyone has to be fed by their families. That's exactly what I did the same thing Yep Whatever Everyone has to be fed

By their families That's exactly what I did Their families just work out How many rules do I have? Five Right You got one Everyone has to be educated

Everyone has a right to education What kind of education? A good one Alright The right one Which is fine Okay Is that like

When we just keep some things out of the history books? Oh, my God, guys, I'm turning into North Korea. Wizard North Korea. Like unbiased, like a good solid Scandinavian style schooling system where it's, you know. Unbiased. This is the case. Not what I say goes, which is what happens in reality.

I want to be respected, though. So everyone's fair. Everyone in reality. I want to be respected, though. So everyone's fair. Everyone's educated. I want to be fair, but I want them to fear me. I don't want them to fear me. That's Jackson's jam. I don't want them to fear me. They just do.

No one. Oh, I know. I want that rule that was from fucking hundreds of years ago, where pretty much if you Oh, it's going to be so good. If you kill someone, so let's say, Jackson, I kill your second in command, you can't come back and kill me

for seven days. Like a no takesies backsies rule? What happens is that for seven days you're not allowed to attack me or kill me. You cannot avenge the day. Here's a little hot problem though with your one. So you kill my first in command and you're not allowed to attack me or kill me. You cannot avenge the death. Here's a little hot problem, though, with your one. So you kill my first-in-command, and you're like,

ah, ah, ah, Jackson the Amazing, un-Jackson the Amazing, can't get me for seven days, that's the wizard rule. And I'm like, wah, you're a cow now. I don't follow your laws. You didn't kill her, she's just a cow. And then you wait seven days in Hamburg. Yeah, but I have a solid army that can undo that. Do they know?

How long till they find out? They'll be like, where's our leader? Where has she gone? There'll be a nice procedure. And they'll come into the castle and I'll be munching on a burger and I'll be like, where indeed? Anyway, ignoring Jackson's stupidity over here. Three rules.

I would like that, just the idea of like you have seven days or an allotted time frame to pretty much be like, is this really going to help? What is great is that your third rule is on the assumption that there's going to be a lot of killing in your

world. No, I'm just saying that if someone doesn't kill someone. Maybe like rule 28. Who stops gang wars. Are you expecting gang wars in your college? You've still got two rules left. All right, you know, young Timothy, you can kill fucking Jacob over there,

but, you know, Jacob's family can't. I like that you're in front of everyone, you're like, welcome to Ali Kathleen's academy for wizards. Rule one, everybody gets fed by their family. And everyone's like, oh good, roll two. Everybody deserves an education. Everyone's like, oh good. Rule three, when you

kill someone... What? When you kill someone, no takesies backsies. No retaliation. No retaliation for seven days. Okay. Is that when? Yes. That seems out of line

with the others, but sure. Still got two left. Alright, what other rules? Come on. We've got these well-fed, well-educated people who have some weird rules about killing people. Free speech. Free speech.

I'm going to destroy your college. Yep. And... One more. Come on. Very strict citizenship. Jackson, if you can get inside my walls then you can turn me into a cow You have turned into North Korea

I like to think I turned into Scandinavia Well, I don't know Sort of I said strict, not impossible I could get a passport and come in if I tried harder You'd have to get a visa Teleportation

Fuck off You cannot Stop teleportation yeah hey nah fuck off I'm you cannot you cannot moo stop stop turning me into a cow I'm off

hold on everybody shut their mouth holes okay um Hogwarts has got like a spell around it that you cannot

apparate in and out okay there's only there's only when the great castle no it's not you're talking

you want a whole fucking country? No. I assume she had a fortress to take me down. That's the narrative I've been creating in my head. Yeah, but I mean, like, whatever it is. But if you can get, if I've got fucking magic, I'm pretty sure I can organize citizenship. You know what I super like?

You created a college to stop the wizard problem. You actually did nothing about the wizard problem. You just created quite a good society. Yeah. Like none of your rules really related to the difficulties of being a wizard. They were just like, this is an okay place to live. Well, you made me make rules on the spot. Now you got crazy wizards who are like, I'm educated,

so I'm amazing at my wizard powers. I can kill people who have seven days to go on the land. Exactly. I'd like there to be a solid political system where, you know, you do have elected officials and whatnot. It's pretty, like, it's the good democracy, not, like, bad. You're still ending up with crazy wizards killing each other and waiting seven days until they can do anything about it.

There'll be, like, good services, like healthcare services. So when they start to, like, get the crazies, we'll be like, hey. Because they're educated enough to be like, if you surpass level 20, you're going to go batshit and you're going to end up like Jackson the Unamazing down the road. Un-Jackson the Amazing. Un-Jackson the Amazing. And that's why we have such a solid beef import.

So you're still taking the cows? You're like, I don't know who this was. I don't want to know. That's our slogan. I'm Jackson the Amazing's beef. I don't know who this is. I don't want to know. That's my plan.

And I would like to somehow find out how to be immortal. So this is a risk in itself. Ali Kathleen lich. Ali Kathleen is a risk in itself. Ali Kathleen, lich. Ali Kathleen, becoming a lich. No, at least for me. You're just a dictator. You're just an immortal dictator. No, no, no. You're like, I want to become

immortal because I don't want to give up my rule. No, no, no. You cut me off, you bastards. I want to become immortal so that an elected official still rule, but then when they're like, oh, no, suddenly they're like, let's open up citizenship, and I'll be like, ah, ah, ah, ah. No. You're just a racist now.

No, just to Jackson's cows. No. They're just cows, Ali. They're not bad people. No. You've become racist. No. You've become a racist.

I'm not saying you can never, ever, ever come in. I'm just saying that psychopaths like this bugger lugs cannot just walk in the door. That's it. You think there's no psychopaths in your own hometown? Well, then, we have good social services for that. We have good mental health services. What if someone of Jackson, say, mental facilities got elected?

He's looking at me with waving fingers in the air. Got elected in your Democratic Party. No! I made a good point. Hi, my name's UnJackson the Amazing. Are you sick of eating shitty goat and eggs for breakfast? Wouldn't you love some beef? Well, have I got the solution for you.

Do you also sell sham whales? I sell shampoo. Hey, we have a prisoner of a population problem. Do I have the solution for you? Are you hungry and crowded? Don't worry. You got a 50-50 chance

of coming out of this pretty good. And everyone's like, man, he makes some good points. And then I'm in charge and I'm like, Miss Kathleen, Wizard Kathleen, I'm so sorry. I flipped the coin. I'm up now. No,

because we revert back to the first rule. So you? No, what was the first rule? Oh, you said the first ruler, okay. No, what was my first rule? Oh, I thought you said the first ruler. Okay. No, you're still the ruler. We revert back. Forever.

No. To the first rule of providing food, he is. That's what I'm doing. Oh, was that my first rule? Yeah. We revert back to the second rule. Education. Everybody gets educated.

So my subjects are not going to be that dumb to elect you. Hey, I'm sorry, but our Western society has access to education. It also has access to Today Tonight and The Current Affair, all right? Yeah, I know. That's the beautiful thing. I thought you had free speech, Alan. I thought you had free speech. Hey, I can say it.

I can say it. Yeah. You can't yell at me for saying it. So I can't yell at you. So you've got free speech. You've got education. They've got the right education. Not the education that you want, but an education.

No, an unbiased, well-informed education. Yeah. Are you allowing for media in your fortress? Fuck yeah. And then so someone might look at this and go like, you know what? Our population is unsustainable. We need to turn people into cows.

I've read some good papers by UnJackson the Amazing about the benefits of having a cow kingdom. Because you guys will just be able to have a good contraception program because they're educated. We don't need to just turn them into cows, Jackson. But, Ali, the thing is because you have – Stop making wizard babies, people. And they'll be like, oh, Ali the Great has decided that we should stop

making wizard babies and she has provided – So you've created a one-child policy? No. How many kids? How many kids? No, just saying, guys, stop having so many babies because it's unsustainable. Like, oh, okay.

And when I'm like, hey, guys, our population's running out. We've got an aging population. Have more babies. But you haven't really created a democracy, though. Yeah, no. Because you're immortal. So that means that whoever's in power, you're secretly in power? Yeah.

No, I just want to watch over. Because you know how when things happen and someone dies and there's a legacy and they're like, oh, man, if so-and-so could see this now, they'd be so mad. I want them to have the ability to come to my town and be like, hey, Ali the Great, are you mad at this? And I'd be like, no, I'm all right with it. So hang on.

I pretty much just want to be a consult. Say somehow, right? Just on the fucking whim of the wind, Unjackson the Amazing gets elected to rule to rule your fortress just just just say i do or somebody who has some ideas you don't agree with because but if you're democratically elected then you can also be democratically taken down so if you turned half the population into cows let's say it wasn't that extreme if we turned 40 percent into cows no but let's say it wasn't that extreme. Let's say somebody, not me, somebody gets elected into power

and they're like, you know what, I don't think... Jackson the double amazing. Yeah, un-Jackson the double amazing. He gets elected into power and he says, you know what, maybe I think that we should get rid of the seven-day policy. I don't know why we have it.

It seems weird amidst all of our other ones. And you don't agree. You just sit there in your tower like, dang, or do you come out and you're like, no. No, dang. No, no. No, because I want the ability for them. No, I want the ability for people to come in and be like,

stop making death noises. There's a secret police in your fortress. I know there is. I want them to come in and just be like. You've created a puppet system where these people are like, you're the democratic ruler, but if you cross Ali Kathleen, you're fucked. What if I get elected? Say I get elected and I'm like...

No, I just said that that wouldn't happen. If you fuck me, and someone says, if Ali was here, she'd be mad. You have the ability to go upstairs and check. That's what I want. Then they're going to interview you and you'll be like, are you upset? Yes. Can you do anything about it? Not really.

Well, no, there'd be fucking things in place. It's a good democratic system. So there'd be like Ali Kathleen supporters and be like, she should be elected again. We need to become a monarchy again. If they want that. You're creating a system which is just bad. No, if they want that, if they want me to rule again,

they will elect me and that's it. No, they can't elect you if you don't run. Well, then if they want me to run, if they're like, hey Ali, we're like Ali United. You've created like a weird sort of like monarchy democracy. Kind of like if people cared more about the queen is what

you've made. Yeah. So what if just say, I somehow un-Jackson the Amazing got elected and I was like 50% of the population cows. And people were into it. Everybody's into it. You're just like, oh, well, I guess we're a cow town now. Yeah, pretty much.

And then, I mean, I'd be pissed. Oh, well, that's noble. I'd be pissed. That's not. I would be like, I'd be like, Alec Atlee came out and supported this. That's so mean. As an individual, I'd be like, Jackson the Un-Amazing. No, un-Jackson the Amazing is a dick

and I'm going to fix this problem as a personal vendetta. But if the people come out and they're like, cows are okay. If the people come out and they're like, cows are okay, I'm going to be like, guys, I'm mad. But if you want to be a nation of half cows, I'm still mad. They do. They are 100% on board. Not a single, not even a one

is against it. Then we are a nation of half cows. Well, I guess at least you stick to your word. I'm banking on my very not, I mean very thorough citizenship test to make sure you don't get I like that all of you have not stopped me.

My kingdom is still fucked. But at least you're kind of okay. What you want to do is you don't get in. I like that all you've achieved, you've not stopped me. Like, my kingdom's still fucked. But at least you're kind of okay. What you want to do is like, you want to create almost like the Ubermensch of citizen. To be like, basically just kind of your own values, very, very liberal, left-wing kind of group of people who are like,

yeah, education, yeah, let's be all great, but you're not taking into account most people are dicks. You're going to get the other half. That's why the education is so important. That's why the gulags are in place. That's why we've got some good old-fashioned gulags. I think I'm bored of being a leader.

I think I'm done. I think you've created what the right-wing feel. I didn't mean to hear. I have. You have. See, I would do something very similar, but nowhere near as insane. What? He's turning everyone into cows!

At least I'm simple with my plans. But it would be very simple of a group of 12 or even 15 or 20 whatever. Basically elected wizards to come together to create rules that are fair for us

but also to protect our sovereign nation. Alright. So I would be implementing stuff like, yes, education, which is great. I should have said that. You should have. Education, which is great. I'll stick by mine. I would impose something like, yeah, you have to do at least, as soon as you hit of age,

of wizarding age, you have to join the army. Are you all wizards? National service. Yes. Okay. National service. So wait, there's just 12 of you? Hold on, that's not wizards ruling the world. That's you living in a wizard world. No, no, no. We can all be wizards if you want.

No, but are you the wizards in charge? Yes. Okay, that's fine. So everyone's a wizard, but you're just... That doesn't make you a wizard in charge. I could be a wizard. That just makes you a person. I'm part of the 12.

I'm part of the 12. He's part of the wizard 12. Oh, I thought you meant your whole community was wizards too. I don't think there's enough wizards to make that a feasible option. Oh, I thought it was like a whole, all right, go on. It depends how many wizards. I assumed all of your people were wizards for some reason. What did I?

They're very educated. They're just clever. Education, national service to sort of have like several years. Discipline. That's good. We have the bloody, you know, bordering town of, you know, I'm Jackson the Amazing. He may turn us into cows at literally any moment.

I will. It's not a may, it's a will. There are signs on the border being like, you know, you will be a cow past this point. There's nothing but cow hexes. And when you walk past, it's like a force field. You're like, whoop, cow. And I have, like, I just like to imagine myself in this big room full of beads and every time somebody becomes a cow,

another bead drops down. I love the idea of cows walking too far out and then crossing the border and be like, oh my God, I'm a boy. I'm a human being again. Oh, I forgot my socks. Ah, cow. I would say any dissenters or any people

who like really break any laws, and we have the same sort of similar laws, like no murder, no rape, no tax fraud. Except for seven days. No, none of the seven-day weird specific retaliation. I don't know where. Does that mean like, say, a wizard stabs another guy with his wand and the cops are coming and they're like, Oh, you got seven days. You got seven days. You got seven days.

Off you chuff. Good luck, mate. No, it's more like. We'll see you soon. It's more like I come into the room. Where are your cops? You didn't have any, did you? Who polices the wizards, Hallie?

I said there was a wizard army. That's martial law. Yeah. All right. No, I said bye. I would maybe have, like, police system as well, as well as the military. Okay.

Anyone that sort of goes and breaks some laws, I'd maybe, like, chuff them off to Unjackson, the amazing territory. We exiled them. You've got secret police. You're more of a dictator than I was. I never said I wasn't. I think as a wizard, you have to be.

You have to be. How do you, is it the same 12 forever? Like Knights of the Round Table? It'd be one of those things of either... Rotating. Rotating. I was going to say rotating stock and I was like, they're not super cows yet. No. They're not cows yet. So

the first one of course is going to be like, you know, these were the first people that came together. But I would imagine after a time you become a bit more democratically elected. Okay. Because unfortunately, like, you would have to impose some rule very early on to make sure there's some order to it all. And then go, I would then maybe be like, look, level 20, that's your max. If we see anyone becoming over level 20 in an asylum somewhere.

Okay. Yours is a, if you play by the rules, pretty good. You're fine. If you decide to step out of it, you're like, no, you know what? I think I have the potential to be like, even a level 25, I'm going to do that. Can people keep it secret? How do you tell? You get in trouble. No, you get in trouble.

They find out. People can keep it secret. Maybe we'll have like a trial system in place. So, you know, like a jury of peers. So be like, what have you done? Are you insane? And yeah, I guess there's a lot of red tape and bureaucracy. Yeah, you're so bureaucratic and sort of terrifying.

I mean, I'd like yours because I get all your criminals. Because you know what's going to happen, right? I'm going to have all these cows. And then one day I'm just going to be like, and there'll be people again, and I'll be like, march on the Kathleen Fortress and the Zambit police state. And then I'll rule out my citizens who have national... Wait, no, you've got my citizens that were trained in that.

Exactly, and your citizens that are like level 30 and 40. And I don't know who I got from you. I've been kidnapping people from your fortress. Fuck. I'd build a wall. I've discovered Keep the Jacksonites out. See, I had a wall first. He stole my wall.

I think the funniest thing is that both of you guys are like, oh no, we need to defend against. I invented them forever. Like, there's been no walls in my world ever until I made it out of sticks. I would love a world where everything is peaceful and sweet, but we have an Un-Jackson problem.

Nothing would please me more to be like, look, we have free speech education. We can feed the population. It's going to be great. Nothing but good times and candy for everyone. But there's that Un-Jackson problem. National service it is.

We need a military... The best thing is you're like, we've got to defend against Jackson's now army. Guys, these are people that I turned into cows. Why are they fighting for me? More likely I'm like, you're our people again! And they turn around and they're like, we're going to fucking kill you. Maybe we have a little bit of exchange program.

Yeah. Send our kids there to learn the way of the cow for six months and then bring them back. We'll give you prisoners. You give us some cows and we turn them back into people. They're like, oh, thank God. Or tasty steaks. Or tasty steaks.

I feel like I'd want to make my state not vegetarian, but at least cow free I feel like in this fucked up world we've created it is a faux pas to eat cow I think eating cow is just almost I want to ban that because how would you know

and don't try anything crafty like turn everyone into turkeys because you're just going to ruin turkeys as well how powerful are the 12 leading are they still level 20 um what about when they get pushed out of power then someone else takes their place yeah but that person's now over level 20 they're breaking the laws aren't they or some break is over 20 level 20 and breaks like well you were saying that the people in your 12 and that's the thing it's all about elections and all

about... No, no, no, but what I mean... So you've got these politician wizards, effectively, and you have 12 of them in the first 12, right? And you're saying that these wizards can get above 20. These ones in charge. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, okay, they can't. So everybody's of equal strength. Yeah, I thought they'd not just be above 20,

but they don't have to be level 20. No, no, no, no, that's fine. Level 4, level 8, level 16, that kind of stuff. Still, the level 20s are going to be like... That's a problem. That's going to be a problem. I mean, I guess you probably squanched out the... Squanched. You probably squanched out all of the craziness.

You'd hope. You'd hope. Or again, if we put into research, put a lot of funding into research and furthering Wizardkind, we can kind of see if there's anything to maybe prevent the craziness. And then we just further. That's true. I kind of want to put a lot of money and research and effort into sort of furthering us a little bit more.

So we're a bit more technologically advanced than you. So you're basically just like black powder. Let's invent guns. Go storm the Jackson Fortress. So when you're like fireball after fireball after fireball after cow, cow, cow, you've got like a manor bar which is slow. We've just got ammunitions.

Or we've created like an internal manor spring that we can kind of take with us. I feel like if after a small amount of investigation into everyone's kingdom, they'll be like, oh, Jackson's just nuts. That's that. Jackson's done. Ali's kingdom, like, they seem to, like, they're doing good,

but it's very hard to deal with problems. I feel like me and you, Ali, we could have, like, a little bit of a team up. Yeah, but if they went into your world, it would be fucked. Like, absolutely. Like, there'd be so much corruption, and yours is the most likely to have slave labour Slave labour?

Slave labour You're not wrong, Zamatron has the most potential for corruption Because yours was already a little bit there They get into it Yours is underhanded What if I'm one of the 12

And I just fucking hate this guy I'm like fuck this guy I'm like I checked him He's level 25 We'd have to have an inquiry That's the trial No that's the trial

That you can get I'm like It's like a Spanish Inquisition almost Yeah See that's what I'm saying That's the problem there See in my kingdom It's just like

Look Ali's kind of got the right idea She's like The issue is She can't quite sort out her problems. Squanch her problems. That's what it was. She can't quite. Like, she's got some pretty good ideas.

And, like, if you go up, you're like, hey, would you have an issue if we did this? She just says, no, I'm mad. It's sort of like, yeah, you do you. You ruled for, like, a term. And then you were like, and you do you? Yeah, it's kind were like, and? You do you? Let's have a think about what our PM from about

20 years ago has to say about this. I don't care anymore. No. I would rule for a lot longer. How long are you talking? I'm ruling forever because I can. I'm not bound by your morals or ethics. We need to cut off the magic supply entirely,

but then we've got the Un-Jackson problem. Yeah, we've always, until we solve the, I reckon though, ooh, I've got hiccups again. I reckon if you and I got our kingdoms together, we'd have diplomatic events. We'd probably have exchange programs and whatnot. Go to war with Un-Jackson? Yeah, we'd get together and be like, look, we're fine together.

You and your right wing way is good. You and your left wing way is good. There's good exchange between the two. So if you want a bit more discipline, you go over there. You're disciplined, you're educated, you're coming together. Yeah. Taking me down. Pretty much.

So what's going to happen is the nation of Kathleen, the nation of Zammett, is going to come together to take down the Jacksonites. Uh-huh. We take you down. Then we're going to try and have a bit of a squabble between who... Who gets the land. Who A, gets the land.

Who do we put in power? No, we just say straight down... Because it's... We're creating a cold war. Yeah, you did. You made a cold war. King Zammett of the Magic Wizards. My proposal to you... they're great basketball teams

the magic wizards they're very good at it um straight down the middle straight down the middle yep you do what you want to do what if your land

has a bit more resources that we want let's then then that's it pro tip guys it's all been trodden to death by cows

you're gonna be like this land is worthless for farming actually 100% worthless. Because I would feel it's kind of like, you know, with Winston Churchill. He's like, yes, I was a great leader in a time of war. But as soon as war was over, he wasn't the greatest. Like, he was like, I'm a good war leader.

You would be fucked after the Jackson problem is solved. Because everyone in your town would be like, we really don't need to do national service anymore. And exactly. You'd be like, correct, we don't. But you're going to do it. No, we've sort of abolished that. Okay, good. And again, times are changing.

Because again, we have to create societies to deal with the problems that are facing our current society. And we have a very big cow, Bill Jackson problem. You just got the cow problem now. And just for a tip, that's a great meal. You've fed everyone for years. No, because again, I and just pro tip, that's a great meal. You've fed everyone for years. Because again, I would just be like, we are putting a lot of money, time and

research into recreating them as men. That's a spell that I took with me to my grave. But then you're going to get people being like, why should we care about the Jacksonites? They're fucked. They're terrible people.

Yeah. Yeah. It's going to be tough. Plus, you've got 12 people, and having 12 people is always harder than having one person in charge. So you can have corruption in that, and then when you've destroyed the Jacksonites,

some of them might be like, you know what? I'm going to make my own nation. I'm going to make my own nation. And that's fine. You can. And I think we'd have to have a lot of treaties. I think it'd be a lot of treaties,

a lot of wars. Yeah. And I's fine, you can. And I think we'd have to have a lot of treaties. I think it'd be a lot of treaties, a lot of wars. And I feel sad for the human kings out there being like, I have no chance. Like, those guys are in charge because they're wizards. What can I do? So, I think why don't wizards rule the world? I think it's a combination of

their own lack of drive. Yeah, wizards seem content to be wizards. The potential warring of other wizards, or just that they've looked into the future and realised this would be a bad thing, not just for me, but for everyone. Ultimately, being a wizard and a king is not worth it. Bad. Unless you are uninterrupted.

If I, as Unjackson the Great, just had a cow kingdom and you guys didn't exist, I'm having a good time. That's true. Actually, yeah, no, you're the problem to all of our problems. Yeah, I'm the problem to your problems. Because if it was just me, we'd be fine. Like, there'd be dissent within, but, you know. You'd say that now, but you would eventually become corrupted.

You wouldn't. You're a wizard. I'm not saying I wouldn't. I was just already there. I got no airs about being a good ruler I'm a wizard, let's make everyone chaos I would strive my best for us to be The society of tomorrow

To really push ourselves and further education And where we can kind of Let's try and chuff off wizards to the cosmos But I'm going to get corrupted And be like feed me grapes while I sit on this Chase Longe See that's why I was like I'm going to have corrupted and be like, feed me grapes while I sit on this chaise lounge. Exactly. See, that's why I was like, I'm going to have a term and then just be a consul. I think

what's going to happen is you're going to have a term. You're going to be like, I don't want to give this up. That's true. Why else would you make yourself a morgue? And also, if you become a consul, no one gives a shit. If the people want to re-elect me, they can re-elect me. That sounds so like, if the people want to re-elect me, they can re-elect me. We want to re-elect you, Ali Kathleen.

You can't become a president again. Maybe you can in her world. Maybe you can in your world. You can in my world. Generally, in most... No, there are many that you can become. But it's going to be a situation where, like, who was it? One of the former presidents of the United States were like, yeah, we lost the war on drugs.

It's a stupid idea. You know who gave a shit? No one. It's going to be rough for you. That's going to be you. You're going to fade into obscurity. Yeah. No, because I'm still going to be alive.

No, but like in the minds of the people, Ali, in the minds of the people. Here's what happens. Here's what happens. You're going to rule, say, a group of people. Yep. You're going to go out. Then they're going to grow up and they're going to be like, we love the Ali Kathleen. They're going to tell their kids about the Ali Kathleen is a great ruler. They're going to be like yeah she was

great and maybe you may begin another term. You probably won't because it's going to be new people with new ideas that were born in that generation and then they're going to kind of move on and another generation is going to come and then you're going to be outdated. So you're just going to be this old crone who sits on her

tower and yells at the people as they pass by with your weird... You're out of touch, Kathleen. So respectful. You're going to be someone from, like, with 1920s values leaving today. No, because I'm progressive. Yeah, you're progressive for now. Yeah, but, like... Not in, like, for 50 years.

Yeah, but, you know, because I can see the way that it changes. I'm not just like... You'll be set in your ways. I'll be like, oh, I can actually see how this... She's a model, though. Yeah, she's a model. This helps this see the way that it changes. I'm not just like... You'll be set in your way. I'll be like, oh, I can actually see how this... She's a mortal, though. Yeah, she's a mortal. This helps this along the way. I can see...

Because I can see a lot more long-term than most others can. You're a mortal. That's fair. Yes. Anyway, my plan is serve for a few terms, have a time, choof off to pretty much a monarch. And then I can just be like, oh, I'm the monarchy. You sort of want godhood a little bit.

Yeah, you've tried to make yourself... You sort of want to put yourself in the minds of the people as like, this is the ultimate ideal to strive for. Even if your term was kind of shit. Yeah, uh-huh, yes. Even if your term was kind of shit. No, it wouldn't be. You don't know.

I'd keep going until it was dead. I'm saying, if it was shit, the people will grow up and eventually die off. No one's going to remember this time. You're going to be so corrupted by history. Everyone's stupid. Although not really, because you're just there to tell people. Yeah, exactly.

But again, you could maybe just fub the figures. Yeah, and you know what? It'll be in my favour. And you've created a monster! It's only a monster for you. I told you. Cow people. Unjackson the Great. Cow people I'm Jackson the Great

Amazing I'm Jackson the Great Amazing I think I had the most solid solution I mean that wasn't the aim of the episode That just became the aim of the episode But I won? Yeah Yeah alright

Yeah I think you did And on that note I've been Jackson Bailey I've been Ellie Kathleen And I've been Joel Zamet And if you want to hear more of our bullshit talking about wizards, we do a D&D

podcast. Yeah! It's called D&D is for Nerds. It happens every Sunday. Listen in. I'm sure by now we're up to episode something and it's great. Yeah. I'm a wizard in it sometimes. You're not a very good wizard. I mean, you're a pretty good wizard. I'm alright. Your spells are about as useful as... I'm trash. Un-Jackson

the Amazing. In fact, I kind of want Un-Jackson in our party now that you've mentioned it. Yeah, turn everyone into cows. It's a good spell. There is a D&D spell. Battle for Polymorph does exactly that. Can we just cast this? Let's talk to Adam. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account?

Follow the links on our website, sanspantsradio.com.