Plumbing the Death Star - Why Hasn't Professor X's School for Xtraordinary Children Been Shut Down?

Episode Date: February 7, 2016

In which our heroes take a trip to 1407 Graymalkin Lane for an official inspection, meet a charming man with a luscious head of hair and give it a solid A++ for being outstanding and never once question why Professor X’s School for Xtraordinary Children has been shut down. We look at how government officials would approach the school, why Wolverine shouldn’t be a teacher and work out to how to control mutant teenagers. Jackson doesn’t think Professor X would get a Working with Children’s Check, Zammit is hiding students in broom cupboards and Duscher just wants to teach at the school. It’s a number of checks and balances as we pin everything down to mind powers and promptly forget everything we’ve just seen. Want to help governments regulate predatory schools? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make sure Professor X does all the relevant paperwork. Hankering for some sweet geeky loot every month? Do us a favour and go to http://www.geekfuel.com/sanspants and sign up to receive your (possible) Wolverine today!In the mood for some Young Adult reading? Just search for Keys of Cobolt on amazon.com today or follow the link http://tinyurl.com/keys-of-cobolt to enjoy some sweet man vs god vs demon vs the undead adventures. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

San Spence Radio, I this is the book for you. Just search for The Keys of Cobalt, Hunt for the Solar Warrior, on Amazon.com today. All of that information in the show notes of this very episode. Hey, everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like, why hasn't Professor X's School for Extraordinary Children been shut down yet? School for Gifted Children? Extra down yet. School for gifted children?

Extraordinary. X-straordinary. Yeah, gifted children. Gifted school for youngsters, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, I like my name better. That's pretty good. I think poor Xavier would like your name better as well.

I don't know why he hasn't changed it. What does the government think Professor X's little establishment is? When are we setting this? Because it's been Jean Grey's school. Right, we're assuming Professor X owns it, and he's got the original X-Men. Okay. Has it been opened up for a school yet?

Yes. Yes. It's the 90s. Okay. So, yeah, what does the government think the school is? Flick knives Flick knives and fucking trench coats So we're setting this Roughly around about

The animated series Jubilee is for some reason the main character We're talking the 90s X-Men cartoon I'm on board So what does the fucking government think professor x's little establishment is a school prep school youngsters okay i guess they think it's a prep school so why here's a question so say we're government officials yes and we're looking over

we're like in charge of education. And we're just looking over like the people who have applied or who have, I guess, gotten offers to join Professor X's school for gifted youngsters. Okay. And we're looking over

and I'm like, hey, guys. Yeah. Why are these from just all over America? Also, they don't seem centralized around the school. Like he's getting people

from Alaska, he's getting people from fucking Middle East. What's that about? It's kind of strange. Yeah, you're right. If we look at this for the five original X-Men, it's kind of like,

it's a giant school. Yeah. Five people. That's a little suspicious. That is quite sus. Is he a cult? Is he forming a cult? Yes.

No. Hi, I'm government official number three, government official one and two. Okay. I, look, don't stress. Because schools, when they start... They only get a little, a few. But why is he getting people from all over the country?

Why is he approaching, like, just some random hillbilly? He says gifted youngsters, so maybe they... Have these children applied for this school? I don't think so. We need to investigate this. Did we check the school... Burn it to the ground so we checked the school before it opened is that how schools work yeah can you just open a school or

do the government have to come and check it out how do you actually start a school because i don't think you can i think i know in australia you step one get a working with children's check does professor have a working with children's check no. If he wheeled up to the police and was like, hello, I need you to sign this, they'd be like, you're Professor X. You're a monster. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Not a big boy.

Sign the way. Professor X, I haven't done it in a while, and my professor X is really drunk. Not a big boy, officers. Boop, boop, done good. I just imagine him boop, booping, but his head swaying, and he sop boop, done good. I just imagined him boop booping, but his head swaying, and he sways somebody else in the department.

Somebody just walking their dog. He's like, Professor X is a good man. So you take this man's word for it. I'm pretty rare. I'm good. I need to lie down. Any paperwork, I think, could be fine. He is a professor. Of what any paperwork I think could be fine. Like...

What? He's a professor. Yeah. Of what? Mutants. Applied genetics. Okay. So is it like, I don't know, maybe this isn't how education works, but if I'm like a real

good professor and I'm like, I want to open a school, I've got the academic background. Can I just... Because a professor means like you should be teaching in academia and you should be at a university, right? Yeah. No, I suppose. But I suppose it's a profession means like you should be teaching in academia and you should be at a university, right? Yeah, no, I suppose but I suppose it's like a private school. Yeah.

So I think surely anyone can just open a private school. Well, it needs to be accredited though and there's like a huge problem of like

that goes on in this country was it last year or the year before? Chile. This country. Chile. Where it was these

Chilean boys these sort of private schools like cash for school kind of things and they were those problems forget it

some nonsense happened where it was like you know they're becoming accredited and they're not really learning the skills or this kind of shit and so I'm sure

there'd be government checks I'm sure there'd be like a process to apply and go through. Professor X is all about those government checks. Cha-ching. Government mono. And less about those government checks with your eyes. Well, there would be probably some government subsidiary.

Subsidiary? One point. Subsidiaries? There we go, subsidiaries. They've got tax breaks. Surely they would have had to go to the school. Surely the government, no. They'd have to.. Surely they would have had to go to the school. Surely the government know. They'd have to. No, they would just think it's a school.

No, because, so when they come and check it, because they're not just like doing it by correspondence. The professor acts have to be like Ahem! Students, so having some government officials around, nobody use your powers, everybody act like you're learning geometry or something. Everybody be

cool. Just everyone be cool. Except you, Wolverine. Wolverine be less cool. Yeah, that's true. Alright, so just everybody act chill, yeah? It'd be easy with the five original ones. Yeah. Because it'll be like, alright, Scott, wear these glasses. Gene, you're pretty sick. Iceman, stop icing.

Beast, you're not blue yet. Beast, you're still weird when you walk in your hands, you're gonna stay in a broom cupboard. Yeah, your're not blue yet. Beast, you're still weird when you walk in your hands. You're going to stay in a broom cupboard. Yeah, your hands are quite big. Angel, strap those wigs down. And I'll give myself... You're going in the cupboard with Beast. And I'll give

myself hair and we're good to go. That's exactly right. You'd be like, Beast, Angel, I'm just going to make them think you're not that. Actually, I forgot about boop-boop-booping. Yeah, also, like, what would happen? He wouldn't even need to make an announcement.. You'd be like, Beast, Angel, I'm just going to make them think you're not that. Actually, I forgot about boop-boop-booping. Yeah, also, what would happen, he wouldn't even need to make an announcement.

He'd just be like, telepathy to everyone in the school, being like, be chill. He could just suppress everyone's powers for a second. Does he have that power? Probably. How funny do I imagine two guys just in the fucking yard? Yeah. That is pretty funny.

Two guys in a yard. I'm like, two guys in a yard. I was like, nah, nah. I'm like, two guys in a yard. So I was like, nah, nah. I'm like, what? Jackson, this fucking just got to be bad. Two guys in a yard and they're like about to have a fight. Professor X disables their powers as the government officials come through. The guy just like leaping up, trying to fly.

So the guy just going, meow, meow, meow. They're like, I don't know what this school is about. You're special youngsters. What I was going to, the no was for, you wouldn't be brainwashing or stopping, meow, meow. They're like, I don't know what this school is about. Yeah, special youngsters. When I was going to, the no was for, you wouldn't be brainwashing or stopping, say, like a cohort of like 40, 50 students. How many govern officials?

Two? Yeah, exactly. Done. Just wheel around with them and be like, look, as you can see. Wheel around? No, just be like, just go out, meet them. It's fine. Boop. Good. Perfectly good school. Good school. You imagine how, Daisy like fucking angry they'd be when like a decade later Professor X is like no we're a mutant school and they're like we've been fucking duped yeah so the reason the reason it hasn't been closed is I think he's just duping them every step along the

way until he has to be it's a public school for mutants and then when we get Grant Morrison's run where he's just like mutants come from far and wide we're an actual school now. Gabbert's a teacher. Look at his cool stuff. Problem one how do you open a school for mutants

we sorted that. Problem two it's not a school. It tries to be. it's more of a school than Hogwarts is a school yeah that's true because in Hogwarts you get like one class

of academia which is muggle studies which you could just like live in the world you live in and you'd be good yeah how are people bad

at muggle studies I don't know fuck wizard gentrification I hate it it's like fucking Arthur not Arthur Arthur Weasley

yeah he's like how does a rubber duck work you're like couldn't figure that out you fucking idiot like i it's not that hard mate not that fucking hard fucking look around the world you live in god why did you make a flying Jesus fucking cry it's like if you lived in the world all the time but you mostly hung out with i don't know, other people of your height, and then one day you go out and you're like,

how the fuck does the world look? And you're like, where have you been living? You been around? Fuck, man. Where's his house? Fucking whizzer. See, I think my issue less about is, you know, there's mutants running around.

I don't think Storm or Wolverine went and got his dip ed. No, none of them did. Did they get working with children's checks, though? I'm sure that is Professor X just going in with each of them and being like, it's not a wolf, man. Boop, boop, boop, boop. Okay, hang on a sec. She's not on fire. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

Would any of them really fail their working with children's check? Wolverine would probably Wolverine would Wolverine because he's fucking they're all dangerous yeah but doesn't

matter you can you can be dangerous but not have it because all you gotta do parts that work a children check is just not to

be a criminal record which I'm sure so many of them do here's a question though Storm was a thief in Cairo

Wolverine teaches world history yeah yeah so but he he doesn't actually he does but he doesn't actually know In days of future past, he does. But he doesn't actually know...

He doesn't know what is, like, the curriculum. You know? Just playing with fucking plastic there. Plastic, that's great. Like, he doesn't have a syllabus. So does that mean Wolverine gets in the class and is like... He would have a syllabus. Yeah, but he doesn't...

So when you're a teacher... Yeah. ...of, like, world history... Yes. I'm assuming they're like, here is the specific points about Egyptian history that you need to know. Wolverine, more like,

he's got a sticker on his forehead that says bonus and it's making him giggle and laugh. No, I'm laughing because you just kept looking at me. I'm trying to ignore it and I just couldn't. Yeah, exactly. It was funny, not the sticker. Wolverine comes into class and he's like, so here's the thing I did, I guess.

One time. We haven't seen it. It's like Wolverine telling stories and you're like, I don't know what to write down. Well, we're assuming that because we just assume Wolverine's incompetent, but we don't know. He might actually put some time and effort into making this.

I was actually assuming Professor X was incompetent, just not policing him. I would say if they are wanting their students to be well-rounded, Wolverine could be, they could be like working down and being like, all right, here's a syllabus, here's what we've got to teach them. Is that what Professor X wants though?

Not really. I think Professor X just wants an army. Well, because like my knowledge of X-Men mostly comes from the films because I've seen them a million times. I've read some of the stories, but not heaps. But like Scott and Jean Grey seem to be pretty good at teaching.

Yeah, but that's two teachers. It seems like that... With, like, thousands of kids. Well, it seems... One, it depends on how public the school is at this point. True. And also, like, it depends... Because it seems like controlling the mutant abilities

is sort of a thing that Professor X teaches rather than anyone else. Professor X teaches how to control your mutant ability. He's the one that's making all these suits. He's the one that's sort of finding ways to stop making suits well he makes one for mr sensitive and he needs one i guess because he needed it because he was too sensitive he was experiencing the world too much was it really really really um let's have a mist shower he's dead now but whatever when he wasn't dead all right a mist shower yeah water too harsh for him for him. Yep. Because it would be like knives running down on him.

Is he emotionally sensitive as well? No. I'm like, hey, he's a sick cunt. Fucking sensitive Jones. Nah, he was purple with antennas. He was great. Loved him. I do not like this man.

I would bully that bug man. They think they do. Does this hurt? Oh, you died. That's a shame. Professor X expels me. How do you control that amount of angry, horny mutants?

With mind powers, mostly. Yeah, with mind powers, mostly. I guess that's the worry of Professor X. There is that technology that exists which is like the mutant power dampeners, right? Yeah. Usually portrayed in the 90s cartoon, like a collar. I mean, you could expand that so it's more of a wi-fi signal and maybe like not full power dampening just like

you know just to do a three or four you know what i mean so you could kind of you know just where we in universities and schools where they have those like wi-fi boosters that just like hey so you don't burn down the building yeah or fucking becauseute your students. Even if we go, even if, all right, let's just say, ban for the doubt, Professor Xavier's like,

no, no, I'm looking forward to the future of mutants coming up and they need to be well-educated, well-rounded mutant beings.

Wolverine, go get a dipper. Everybody, roll, go get a dipper and fill out the forms. We're doing this by the book. Sorry, mutants.

You're not going to get educated for about three years whilst everybody reattends. One year. Higher education. One year, then. Yes, a one-year dip in. Unless we do it, I think, maybe this year or next, then it better come to two years.

Let's make it one year. One year. So everybody take a chill year. A gap year. A mutant gap year. Get to know you. That's what this year's about. Yeah, so like fucking, you'd have to hire in actual

teachers. You would. You would have to initially anyway. But no, I just wouldn't trust Wolverine to teach kids. Like not even on an incompetence level. I just know that Wolverine's the kind of guy who blows in and blows out. There'd be teachers around the world that were mutants surely yeah i guess you could just collect all of them yeah but like i think for equal opportunities you'd want you know you you know you're not just hiring are you hiring mutant teachers yeah it seems like

then like hey so you've got like a regular teacher mr mr johnson yeah and he's teaching mathematics yeah And in class Somebody gets a Mutant erection And their eyes catch fire Yeah Mr. Johnson's not gonna know what to do Yeah but fucking

If Mr. Johnson had the ability to I don't know Grow feathers out of his forearms Yeah He ain't gonna know what to do either No but he's gonna be like Hey mate mate mate Check this out

I get it Yeah but And then little Little fire eyes Billy Is gonna be like putting them out with his tears tears of acceptance just because you're a mutant

does not necessarily make you a good teacher say I had a class full of students with only one arm and then I'm like maybe it would just be good for me to hire a teacher with one arm so that he can know what they're going through. That's weird.

That's the weirdest fucking... If I walk into that room... I'd be so scared if I walked into that room, one of my arms would just fade away. You'd just get out real quick. Just because you don't necessarily need a mutant to be able to teach mutants. You just need a good teacher. I don't want to get a real person in. What the?

You racist? All right. No. All right. Which fictional teacher would you move to teach at Professor X's school for gifted youngsters? Do you mean a mutant or just a fictional teacher? A fictional teacher.

Because my vote... Dead Pulse Society. My vote is Good Will Haunting. Miss Frizzle. Why? We both pick Robin Williams. But from different films. You can pick Robin Williams from Flubber.

Yes! He's so crazy. He builds a good robot that's alive and then he's like, What if Green goos? That's not your million-dollar idea, Robin. That's some Professor X-style bullshit, though. That is that.

Professor X being like, You're hired. Come on board. What's it called? Flubber. Hilarious. Does it make you good at basketball? Put it on my wheels.

Put it on my head. Yes. Throw it at me. I'm going to bounce around. Throw it at me. I'm going to bounce around. Throw it at me. Boing, boing, boing. Alright, so you've got

Robin Williams from Flubber, Robin Williams from Good Will Hunting, and Robin Williams from Dead Poets Society. All great choices as a teacher. Perfect.

Mine's, uh, I'm going with Good Will Hunting because it's not your fault. And I think that's what mutants need to hear. Oh, that is true. It is what they need to hear.

They need somebody to give them a big hug unless they're on fire or electricity and... And even then, get like a special suit to be able to hug a burning boy. Well, maybe we should just

hire Good Will Hunting to be in like one room. What's the teacher's name? Because it's not Will Hunting, that's Matt Damon. No, his name is Good, like G-O-O-D-E, Will Hunting.

Will Hunting is a hyphenated last name. G-O-O-D-E space Will dash Hunting. From the Will Huntings. Professor Will Hunting. But I think we just get him in a room.

He'd be the good psychologist. Yeah, I was going to say, you're feeling real bad about being a mutant? Yeah, go see Mr. Will Hunting. And he'll give you a hug and tell you it's not your fault. he'd be the good psychologist yeah I was going to say you're feeling real bad about being a mutant yeah go see Mr. Will Hunting and he'll give you a hug and tell you it's not your fault and you'll be like

no I need more than that and he'll be like oh well at one point they get Spider-Man to be the guidance counselor that's terrible Spider-Man needs to protect New York

Spider-Man was terrible everyone hated him he was trash he was bad Spider-Man himself needs counseling he does but I reckon

that's the thing you want to really push it. Say we're giving them the doubt. Like, yeah, all right, Storm and Gambit and all them are getting their dip ed so they can actually teach a basic thing. And they're going to have to kind of follow through with curriculum. And so I'm guessing Beast would be pretty good at teaching math because he understands it.

But I don't know. Would he be? Because he's overcomplicated. Yeah, he's a genius. So he's going to be gonna be like yeah and type of some massive thing in the board plus two equals you know 10 and like solve for x and everyone's gonna be like lad out there in the crowd is gonna be like i don't know what is going on i don't have hands they are just goo bring back to the flubber bloke he understands also i mean sometimes they don't just get alien like sorry they don't get mutants from humans or something.

They sometimes get mutant aliens because they had like a fucking brood, which is basically like a xenomorph, but like a mutant. And he was just chilling with the lads. No, no, no. He was a student, mate. Nah.

I want him as a teacher. English. Yes. Literature. But Beast, assumedly, if he wasn't getting too bored, he'd hope he would

be able to at least teach say year seven math and onwards i suppose yeah but like i just don't think so here's the thing yeah so basically all of the original x-men yeah are soldiers yeah they've seen combat they've seen war they've seen friends die and professor x is like ice man's an accountant though yeah but he was once a soldier yes I hope he's really good

with numbers so that his nickname at work is also Iceman oh yes that'd be so good and he's really good at poker and has a good poker face there's a lot of Iceman jokes

yeah just constantly no but like so Professor X has basically been like I was I just like the idea of Iceman playing poker this isn't funny

but I'm gonna repeat it because it made me laugh. Him playing poker and someone's like, I've got a really cool poker face. He's just frozen his face. Like completely blank. Just ice. That's good. No, but Professor X has basically gone,

My X-Men. I know we've seen war. I know we've seen bloodshed. You've lost family. You've had to kill. How would you like to teach fucking 13-year-olds for the rest of

your lives? Do I get paid? Yes. Potentially. Not from me. Alright, job interview. I'm a teacher. Alright. Let's do this. You'd have tuition. You'd have salaries. Alright, so are you both Professor X?

Yes. We're co-professors. And we accidentally ate a doubling potion. Oh no. That's the kind of crazy shenanigans you're... Dr. Flubber baited for us. Alright, I'll come in. Knock knock.

It's a job interview. I know. Fuck. Okay, so you're both sitting at a desk. I'm puzzled. I take a seat. I'm like, hi, I'm Joe Dusha. Thanks for having me. Not a problem. We're the Professor X's.

Nice to meet you. There was only one of you on the phone. No, we ate a doubling potion. Our professor brewed one up. Yes. Have you ever seen the film Flubber? It's that version of Robin Williams. We also have him from Good Will Hunting and Dead Poets Society.

We have a lot of Robin Williams. Oh, that's great. I'm a big fan of his films. So, yeah, I was just wondering if you've looked at my resume. Like, sir, I I'd really really appreciate it I have it says here you're a professor of media yes

to help the students make some short amateur films I suppose yeah and just like understand like the media like how it works not just necessarily films but like newspapers and television well that's pretty good it's kind of lame we split into the nice and rude parts as well newspapers and television. Well, that's pretty good. It's kind of lame.

We split into the nice and rude parts as well. That's okay. I guess you could really... I mean, if you want, could you double up as an English teacher? Yes. Yeah. You're very short on them. Yeah, absolutely.

Have you ever had to deal with people made of goo? That's a very important question. So say, hypothetically, a student became goo in front of you, would you know what to do? Honestly, look, it's clearly a hypothetical question. You're testing me, and that's good. No, I haven't ever had to deal with one of my students saying to you, Good work for Doc Lai, because I could have told.

Yes, we can tell that. No, like, I'm up for a challenge. You sweep him up, put him in the bin. Or a messenger. Preferably a messenger. He'll reform in time. He will reform, but you don't want him to reform with dust and banana peels. It happened once.

It was pretty funny. Have you experienced this before? Of course. Yes. The school is... For mutants. Do not read the... Xavier's School for Gifted Mutant Children.

And don't think somebody was telling me yesterday it says gifted youngsters. When I spoke to the Mason, I thought I said gifted mutant children. Maybe I got my wires crossed. That's why we were getting so many just clever little idiots, you know, coming in. Genius children with no mutant

abilities at all. They would not last a day here. You're hired. Okay. Sick. My first day of class would be scary. It sure would. You'd be like any fucking teacher. Like Dangerous Minds.

Is that the one with Michelle Pfeiffer? That is not any school. It's not like you come in and you're like, sweet, I'm having a mold young mind. You go in there and one person's an actual brain with arms and legs and you're like, that's no girl and she's alright. Why is everything a thing?

Or that Martha. No, that's just the problem of being a teacher. And that's the problem of being a teacher. You'd have to be well informed. And yes, you're dealing with mutants, but there's no real difference than dealing with teens anyway who are already dealing with emotions

and their body changing. Isn't that what kind of mutants is anyway? Their bodies are fucking changing, you dickhead. It's kind of like mutants is like a metaphor for puberty. But imagine though if your boner in class was like you fired missiles at fucking Stacey Lou

from your nostrils. That's a different level of puberty right there. Once less sexual harassment. That's true. It's the same thing. You had that kid in class

who just didn't understand social norms and occasionally would just whip out his dick and just start jerking the back of his class and you're like

Brian stop it you know that kid put it in your pants no you all had that kid in class right kid masturbated in my class in year 8

or form 2 yes in the 70s if 2 yes in the 70s if you're in the 70s cause some kid was like hey give me 5 bucks if you can do it and he did it and then no one was happy like the kid with 5 bucks was like hmm I think this makes me a prostitute and the kid that gave him 5 bucks was like I didn't want to see that

and now I have it's a good story but you know what I mean it's the same sort of dangers but it's not sort of like if there were kids in your class yeah and every kid has a flick knife yeah and just at random moments they can stab someone next to them because they get too angry or horny yeah and that's a way it's basically well that's basically something like some schools where they have that potential of someone i'm just saying that I would hire on mutants.

And I'd hire on mutants that can become rocks and metal. Colossus. I've got a man for you. So if you have two teachers, one is a normal dude, but he's like so fucking good at being a teacher. So me. Another one, she can just become a flame, but she's literally maybe less than a week of teaching yeah you'd hire her that is so your school i lost my job yeah your school is bad because i'm not

training fucking mutants to live in society well you are though i don't want to be point then your school is terrible it should be shut down like if your school is like, no, no, we just want them there to contain them, you're making a prison. I want somewhere where they're not hurting the normal people. The normies. Regular people need to be protected from the mutant menace.

Then you're making a prison. That's alright. Well, that's not a school. I don't think Professor X treats it very much like a school. He's like, welcome to the academy. You'll be educated poorly for about four years, and then if a war happens or aliens invade, you'll be called upon to fight to the death. What year are they getting them?

I think it varies. Mutants generally happen in puberty. So they're trying to get them as teens. So they're trying to get them after they've hit puberty. So let's say

probably year 8. Yeah. Yeah? Chances. So chances are we're getting from year 8 to year 12. So yeah.

So it's four years of an education and that needs to be rigorous invisible war. Well the first thing that needs to happen is say Xavier needs to come in and be like how do you control your powers? That's one, the first thing that needs to happen is, say, Xavier needs to come in and be like,

or they need to come in and be like, how do you control your powers? That's one of the first things they need to be doing is, and then you'd have to have stipulations of rules, like you can't attack another fellow classmate, all that kind of stuff. You've got the danger room there. Don't call it a danger room.

The danger room that you need to vent your frustrations out, and that'd be a good way. That's what Professor Will Hunting's for. Yeah, exactly. He's for your frustrations. He hugs them out. He does. But you also sometimes just,

you know, if you're a big brick lad that needs to punch a guy, you can make the danger room. That's true. Camps would be good. Like, you know, as in like school excursions.

You've got to burn down a forest. You've got to go to the danger room. All right. Yeah, true. In fact, the danger room can become a forest. In fact, the majority of education in terms of excursions, like I said, could be done in the Danger Room. All right, yeah, true. In fact... The Danger Room can become a forest. In fact, the majority of education

in terms of excursions, like I said, could be done in the Danger Room. Yeah. And you just... You can do it all in the Danger Room. Just program in a teacher. Yeah.

Actually, yeah, though. Because then you can't die from when... Am I getting fired and then digitally reprogrammed into an actual teacher that is now working in the Danger Room? Well, yeah. Pretty much.

That's a shame. Well, at least... At least for the... um say because there is when like um professor zorn who is secretly magneto when he teaches like the the dropout kids i forget there's a name for them losers basically the loser children who are just like very bad and those kind of kids you you would maybe all right you're going to the danger room and there's like a class there um and that's being taught by an artificial intelligence, a Professor Xavier or someone like that,

who is sort of, because in this universe, these AIs are fucking smart as fuck. Like, they are actual, proper AIs. And then there's no danger for them to sort of attack the teacher. Yeah, it's a safe place to learn yeah yeah well that's a good way of doing that and it's a good way of starting out like sort of small or big this school is yeah i suppose i always assume it's sort of like the well here's a weird way i always assume it's the size of how big it is in the marvel fighting game

for xbox marvel vs capcom no it's just like basic it's like marvel and marvel i remember i was really good at playing toad um the only person in the world was like yeah oh yeah okay you met yeah toad

super villains gonna be a hassle no that's what i mean like it's basically a war ground like basically being trained to fight super villains even if

you're doing like all right yes all right you've got like all right you got history math literature geography you're learning all alright yes alright you've got like you've got history math literature geography

you're learning all this kind of stuff then you've you know got like fight fight class punch class punch class that kind of stuff

you're learning new abilities but then you've also got like fucking depending who your homeroom teacher is you also kind of have that specialization like if you've got Gamber

he's like I'm going to teach you how to be a thief which I don't know if that's good that's not you know Scott Summers is going to teach you how to like you like I'm going to teach you how to be a thief which I don't know if that's good that's not you know Scott someone's going to teach you how to

be a mechanic or teach you how to be a fucking sad boy that's also his speciality Cyclops is great shut your mouth sack of sad

sack of shit nah he's the best like it's a bag and you open it and it's just full of shits but every I thought normally

the deal was you set it on fire so I have to stomp it out but I guess somebody just shat in this bag Cyclops was right but then you look at the shits and there's just a sad face drawn on it with more shit and you're like all right like i'm gonna put some effort into this um well yeah i think also like so say we're mutants um yeah you know i was gonna

say and then you then the problem is after like a day of school yeah you would then occasionally get attacked by a juggernaut exactly you know it's it's like it's like oh hey look here's a fucking sentinel who's come just to kill me also there's been bombs at the school like full-on terrorist attacks i think a bunch of them get snipered yeah that's not good it's not a safe environment to learn we're talking about the friends of humanity and the fucking purifiers who are basically religious zealots with guns like knowledge of the future because they kidnapped a Nimrod.

Comics are fucked. Professor X really should have just gotten all of his mutants and been like, we're going to go out on a rock in the middle of the sea. That's where we'll try. Nobody knows we're here. Well, that's good. Why does he go back to doing a school?

Oh, no, that's what Scott Summers does with... Fuck, Asteroid M. Good, good move. Asteroid M? Yeah, I think it's Asteroid M. It's like Magneto, he had like an asteroid that he built his moon base on, or his asteroid base on,

and then like eventually fell to Earth, and then I think Cable was like, mine now, and then Scott was like, can we use it? Can we use it now? And then it was in the city, and they're like, can we use it?

And they did, and Avengers vs. X-Men happened, and something happened. Well, see, that's good. That's the place to go're like, can we use it? And they did. And Avengers vs. X-Men happened and something happened. Well, see, that's good. That's the place to go. Yeah, I guess so. I think they tried to make them... Well, they did.

They tried to make themselves a sovereign nation or at least a nation in and of itself and to be like, we're just going to do it for mutants. But then, like,

the Phoenix Force came back. Fucking Phoenix Force every goddamn time. I know. And then the Avengers were like, give us hope. They assumed the Phoenix Force was going to go to her.

And they're like, fuck you. Who did it go to? That's a whole nother issue. That's a whole nother episode. Who is the Phoenix Force? A future episode by Plumbing the Death Star. But the problem there was Scott Summers was kind of like, every time there's a mutant problem,

every time you attack us, or you ignore us until it affects you, then you attack us. But you're not there to help us out. And that was the whole thing. Scott's great. He's Scott's champ. Anyway. Just because you have a motorcycle doesn't make you cool, Scott. Nah, he's pretty fucking rad. He's like that kind of guy

who gets a motorcycle, but maybe doesn't know how to ride one. That's him. He knows how to ride a motorcycle. Like Will Ferrell in Daddy's Home. Yeah. A classic. 10 out of 10 film. Yes. Well, that's the thing. I don't think actually if I developed mutant powers,

I'd want to go to the Academy, to be honest. You might want to go to Xavier for after school lessons in how to use... I might just get a mentor, really. Like how to use your abilities. Find another mutant and be like, hey, you training up good? But that's the other thing with Xavier. Like if, say, you're a teleporter, right? Yeah.

Basically, I'm a nightcrawler. I call myself Blink. Oh, that's a good name. I meant to say Blip, but no, Blink. Blink already exists. I'll be Blip, then. All right, you're Blip. Yeah.

Blip. That's the noise I make when I teleport. And Blink is, like, I think it's related to apocalypse somehow. Anyway, you're Blip. Stop that. So, you cut Xavier. Xavier's going gonna be like I'll help you

Like how? You're a telepath And he's like Well I'll go inside your brain I'd be like I'd really rather you didn't Can I speak to Nightcrawler? Can you put me in touch?

No Nightcrawler's busy I'm sure he's not Nightcrawler's just standing In the danger room Bouncing a tennis ball Up against the wall I am so bored

I wish I had something to do There's nothing to do Around this goddamn wall i am so bored i wish i had something to do around this goddamn place i am so bored that was this is what you you're you're a fucking doucher you should have this on the nail this is your like this is your homeland no that's so sad nine a night girl just smacking Tennisball with his tail. Boom, boom. What is there to do here? I'm so bored. I hate these long, hot summer days.

But that's a good point. Like, what the fucking Professor X do for telepath? Yeah. For poor old Blip. Because he's championing himself as being like, I know genetics. I'm the king of the mutants. It doesn't mean shit, though, really.

But it's kind of like, you know... I'm going to be like, hey, Professor X, every time I teleport, my legs get stuck in shit, and then I have to have, you know... You're going to chisel it out. Chisel it out, and he's going to be like, that sounds really rough. They don't blow up, surprisingly.

It's more like they get kind of caught in there, like a displace. Yes, well, have you tried teleporting harder yeah so I think more forward yeah like Xavier

why is Xavier being shut down I'm guessing it's because he just mind controls everyone so it would not be but how is it

a functioning like what is Xavier's function as a teacher no he has no he's just like he's a bank he's just bankrolling

the whole thing it's like Scientology the goal is just power and money. Yeah, kind of. Because if it's sort of a noble goal to have these young students who are mutants to sort of get a proper education

and be well-adjusted members of a society, he's going about it the complete wrong way. You need to be like, okay, well, how do you make a perfect school for mutants? Because you can't... Unfortunately, we can't integrate them into society. No. Because Marvel...

God, no. Oh, Jesus. At least in... Absolutely not. At that level, even if that's the main goal. But the reality of the situation is that the humans of the Marvel Universe, racist as fuck.

Yeah. I would be. They're just going to try and kill or beat those damn muties. And for the muties perspective, it might just be like, man, I could kill these flat scans. So how do you even try

to make a correspondence? Amiga level mutants. Okay, go on. Get Apocalypse on the side. Get him to teach maths. Ancient Egypt. He'd be good the side. Get him to teach maths. Ancient Egypt. He'd be good at that. He'd be very good.

Hieroglyphs. He'd kill it. No, I feel like the only thing... Because what happens with Professor X's school is people usually only rebel against it because they're like, oh, I disagree with Professor X. So, like, Cyclops is a nerd. Yeah.

Those are the two real reasons. What does Quentin Quire do again? He just riots because he's bored and he thinks Magneto was right. Yeah, right. Bored, though? Who was it? It's Quentin Quire.

He's like this... Is his new inability that he sounds like a choir when he talks? No. Hello, my name is Quentin Quire. He's like a telepath, telekinetic, and a very powerful future host of the Phoenix Force, I believe. Fucking Phoenix Force bullshit!

Saturday Night Live. And he causes a riot at Xavier's, and he also kind of has more ideologies of that Magneto was right. And there's like a lad who's like Herman the Blob. Sick. And he's like sort of like, basically there's a giant blob with like herman the blob sick and he's like sort of like basically

there's a giant blob with a skeleton in it and he kind of runs and he sets himself on fire this is a man i can get behind it's a good time yeah yeah grant morrison's runs fucking amazing yeah i ruined it anyway you just need like a massive no one's rebelling against apocalypse that's true get apocalypse in as your figurehead okay scare the students scare it straight it always works

yeah though so I'm just going in through my memory banks um has apocalypse ever taught a professor X's

school if you say yes I'm gonna be a bit surprised but not that surprised almost like almost in the

inversion where something happens like magic bullshit happens literally magic bullshit with a doctor strange almost like almost in the inversion where something happens like magic bullshit happens literally magic bullshit with Doctor Strange and Wanda and Scarlet Witch and

for a while all people who are caught up in it like good people become bad and bad people become good and there's this kid in who's

part of the school his name's Evan who's like the future host of Apocalypse man everyone's a future host of something oh my god Evan, who's like the future host of Apocalypse. Man, everyone's a future host of something. Oh my God. Anyway, but he's like a good-natured kid. Like he was raised by Deadpool at some point.

Raised by Deadpool? Yeah, or like and Deadpool and Phantom X and maybe Cable, like whatever. My three dads. I think it's like Weapon X style. Like they just kind of raise him. I would trust Cable more with my child than Deadpool. That's true.

Deadpool will kill my child. Deadpool might eat my child for an internet joke. Cable is a rad dad. He travels through time with hope. It's kind of sick. And then what happens is, because Evan is so very good, he becomes very apocalypse. And then he's sort of leading the X-Men.

And he sort of is the the leader of the Xavier School or the Jean Grey School. So kind of. So kind of. But he was going to be like, kill all humans. Which were I a mutant, I'd be on side with. So you get a figurehead of Apocalypse. Yeah.

Let's not attack. Let's just try and work. Because I guess the whole mission statement of the school for gifted youngsters is coexistence. Yeah, but that's not really what professors do. Actually, by calling it gifted youngsters, though, that's like you're better than them. That's true. You'd have to open it up to actual gifted

youngsters. You'd have to open it up to everyone. Make it a public school. No, it's a public school, but you can all apply. Make it a special school. It's a prep school. Make it like a Steiner school Yeah We encourage our mutants To climb trees And learn with their hands

You'd have to Make it Yeah It's available to everyone Who can apply And there needs to be A level of application But that kind of means

Like you're automatically Accepting mutants But to be a human And enter it You have to be real fucking good That's true Which is a weird different No idiots you have to be real fucking good. That's true. Which is a weird different... The school gets shut down for that.

It's already discrimination. If I hear about Professor X's school for gifted youngsters and I'm like, hey, I've got a room. What's it called in America? Apartheid? No, it's South Africa. Apartheid. Segregation?

No, fuck, when they try to make it good and everyone all these like white people bitch about it integration no affirmative action ah okay but affirmative actions and mutants okay so like mutants get either sort of like in yeah and to be a go into this you sort of have to be showing very, very genius level IQ kind of stuff. Or like genius level acrobatics. Yeah. Just super good at shooting guns. How would you explain it like there was like a very uneducated student that his hands were fish.

Yeah. And then someone who's got an IQ of like 180 doesn't get it. You'd have to really look at the curriculum. I don't know if i'd let old fish hands in anyway i'd be like you don't need help with that power when i get angry or horny my hands become even more they let sammy in who was a fish boy yeah but fish boy is different to having fish i love that you're like is this dumb mutant power uh yes that one was this but he dies he was a powers of juggernaut anyway sad times like fish hands m Hands McGillicuddy comes in and he's like, hello, Professor X.

I have fish for hands. Professor X is going to be like, chop them off. Now you're just a regular human. Thank you very much. Get out of my school. Professor X wouldn't do that. He'd be like, you're a mutant good. Like, he just, he's not going to be.

He's trying to find soldiers. No. He's found soldiers. He's already found them. He doesn't need them. Children soldiers. Professor Child Soldiers X. soldiers no he's found soldiers he's already found he doesn't need children soldiers professor child soldiers because like he's also very proud mutant now like he was in the closet for ages professor yeah but now he's out and proud he's like no no don't hide your mutant powers and

that's a big part of you know his arc of growing up is that we don't need to hide this anymore and so that's why you'd be like no no your no, your fish had kabo did. And if he's a dullard, you just have to have special classes for him. Special fish hand classes? Yeah. I guess you need a lot of physical therapy using fish to pick you up. I think a lot, it's a huge undertaking,

but almost every single, you almost have to create a curriculum and create like a timetable for literally every single student, depending on their current needs. That's the problem of opening up a school for gifted youngsters who are mutants. Because if you have a lad who is a fucking mammoth boy, and you have another lad who is like fucking fish hand McGullaghy over there, McGillicuddy. Both of those are going to have different needs. Yeah, that's true. And then if you have like, you know, a person who is just a brain who floats.

Again, different needs. So it's just going to be a giant undertaking. You'd have to have a lot of staff and it might be a bureaucratic nightmare. So it's not really worth it. It is worth it if you're helping out the young kids of tomorrow. See, I

think that it would work a lot better if Professor X rather than opening a school just became like a school counsellor for mutants that were just attending normal schools. That is true. See, that's clever. It would, one, save him a lot of time. Two, he'd get a wage, finally, because Professor X fucking needs it.

The old nine-to-five. He can't stop living off his grandpappy's fucking coin he can't just siphoning off all the funds from like

Warrington I know this isn't how he got rich but I like to think it was Nazi gold that was Magneto I like to think

they're both rich I don't even think that was actually Magneto I knew that someone was at some point Nazi rich. Why hasn't the school been shut down yet?

I mean, that's a better idea with... If Xavier becomes a counsellor for a school and then he'd be encouraging, say, all his military army, like his Scott Summers Wolverine, to at least get a dip ed and work in schools. Change the world.

Change the world one class at a time. There you fucking go, mate. That's what it's all about. So why hasn't it been shut down? Probably because he's mind controlling everyone. Should it be shut down? Yeah, because it's a bureaucratic nightmare. And there is better ideas.

There is. And I honestly don't think Professor Xavier has time or resource. I haven't really thought about this enough to make this a school worthy of these. Exactly. You know, he's got Apocalypse every other Tuesday. He's got fucking Magneto. He's got his brother. The fucking, everyone's a future host of the fucking Dark Phoenix Force. Yeah, that's coming down a ruin and shit. Everyone's a future host of fucking Apocalypse.

Wolverine might be a fucking Scree or some shit. Skrull. You never fucking know. He was. I know. Wolverine was a Sk fucking scree or some shit. Scroll. You never fucking know. That's true. He was. I know. Wolverine was a scroll at one point. I know.

I'm well aware. Good. So I think there's a lot of things going on in Professor X's and the Wolverine and Magneto movie. Wolverine and all the mutants plates that, yeah, running a school should be maybe at the bottom of their priority list in terms of what they are actually good at and maybe have their time better spent you know what i mean i know what you mean shut it down shut it down the sentinel program kill all muties no more

mutie problem and on that note i've been jackson bailey i've been joel ducha and i've been jel zammett uh if you get a better reason you think that the school hasn've been Jackson Bailey. I've been Joel Dusha. And I've been Joel Zammett. If you get a better reason, you think that the school hasn't been shut down yet, or a better way of educating or eradicating the mutie problem. Or a better way for them to coexist. Tweet us at SansPenceRadio. If you want to hassle me about my mutant hate,

adult dogs are dead. Come get me. The sister school, which I think was the Hellions, who were basically like, fuck mutants. That's a hassle. We already said on that note, you can't bring up new points now. Damn it, no! If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account?

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