Plumbing the Death Star - Why Haven't We Done a Versus Episode?

Episode Date: August 17, 2015

In which our heroes pit hero against hero, POTUS against a god and Batman against a man with a bat all while wondering why we haven’t done a versus episode? We look at the inherent problems of wailing away at a cripple with a hammer, the benefits of having your own bowling alley and how a human sized ant could ride a bicycle. Jackson gives up trying to train Chewbacca, Zammit steals rules from the Weekly Planet Podcast and Duscher just wants to know who’s the best sidekick. It’s a free for all battle royale as we find out who’s the best there is at what they do, and sometimes what they do is to serve a bunch of other people.Want to help fund a fight between the Rock and an actual rock? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in spectator sport history.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least sixty-eight books about the meticulous rules of a butle-off. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sandspants Radio, don't mention us to your therapist. This week's episode is sponsored by Daniel Van Den Bogart. Is that how I say it? Sure. Adam Howes-Ray, Edgar Ramirez, one of my favourite names, and Elizabeth Berg. Thanks guys, and I hope you enjoy the episode. Have a rainbow. Solid 10 out of 10 good

I can work with it cool hey guys and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star we ask the important questions well more accurately

Robert Greeley asks us to ask the important questions like why haven't we done a versus episode everybody was kung fu fighting alright

classic versus stuff let's just let's just go alright elbow deep from the get-go. Thor. Thor the... I thought you said Thor, and I was like, you mean... Superman.

Thor versus Superman. Superman's invulnerable. Thor is a god. Superman's immune to magic. Nope, he's weak to magic. Thor isn't a god. He's just like advanced technology. They're both just aliens that seem like gods, but they're not.

Thor has a hammer. A magic hammer. Superman has five abilities. Thor has one. Which is mostly a hammer. Superman's got laser vision. Superman's got freeze breath. Hot breath. Just regular, but good breath.

Minty good fresh breath. Space breath. He can breathe in space. X-ray vision. Laser eyes. You said he can fly? He can fly. He can fly. He's invulnerable.

He's faster than a speeding bullet. Can jump higher than a building or something. And also, Thor can't really fly. He throws a hammer and he just hatches along for the ride, which is the best way to fly. Also, I'm like 99% sure that in one of the DC Marvel crossover comics, Superman picks up the hammer.

Well, yeah, Superman would be worthy. Yeah, so if he's quick enough, he can get the hammer and Thor's just a quite strong guy. A little bit of ground rules here. I'm going to steal these ones from the Weekly Planet. Who are they? Our good buddies bodies James and Mason

unsubscribe anyway alright so stealing their rules American football field they started they're rectangle shaped no fuck this American football Australian rules Aussie rules football field

or a cricket ground an oval that's what I know more about An Aussie rules football field. Or a cricket ground. Or a cricket ground. An oval. An oval, because that's what I know more about. An oval. I tricked you with my sports knowledge. You really did. So, cricket pitch.

Cricket pitch, done. They start at either end of said cricket pitch. Uh-huh. And they sort of have to run at each other and fight. Okay. Superman. My vote is with Superman. He's faster. He has more abilities.

He could technically just freeze Thor and then just take that. Because I will argue, look, I don't, well, you said that it has happened in the comics. Yeah.

I feel like if there was a crossover, Superman ticks all the boxes to be worthy of holding the hammer. I think it's fair enough. I think it's legitimate. Plus, Superman,

what's his weakness? Kryptonite. What's Thor's weakness? Just a whole mess of shit. I, Superman, what's his weakness? Kryptonite. What's Thor's weakness? Just a whole mess of shit. I feel like Thor gets his feelings hurt pretty easy as well. All right, hang on. Stakes. There's no stakes.

At either end, there is just a person of importance being slowly lowered into a pool of lava. No, that doesn't work with Thor versus Superman because they both just rescue the other person. Yeah, you idiot. Superman would just be like, pew, pew. I did it. Oh, yeah, Superman's super quick.

Thor's a smear on the cricket pitch. Yeah, Superman would rescue both those people and then beat the shit out of Thor. I feel like what you should have is have Asgard and Metropolis at either end of the oval and... Win against both. Win against both. Yeah. have is have Asgard and Metropolis at the either end of the oval and... When it gets destroyed. When it gets both! When it gets both! So the city of choice is the stakes.

Because if you're based on those stakes, Thor will be more into the stakes than Superman just. Yes. So Thor will probably fight a little bit harder but he'll still be absolutely fucked up by Superman. He will just be a skeleton by the end of things. Because even like Superman freezes him, takes the hammer, just beats the shit out of him with his own hammer. Yeah, which is totally doable.

But also, if he takes the hammer, he becomes a power of Thor, and Thor just becomes a shitty man. Yeah, Thor just becomes a dude. Superman can just one-cluck him in the head, and his head's like... And not just a dude, a dude who's a cripple as well. Oh, yeah, he is. Thor a cripple.

Donald Blake, I think, has a bit of a lame leg. In the comics, he's got a wiggy leg. So Superman's just like, take he is. He's not a cripple. Donald Blake I think has a bit of a lame leg. In the comics he's got a wiggy leg. So Superman's just like take the hammer, it's just a guy. But then if Superman is wailing away at a cripple, I think he's going to become unworthy very quick. Yeah, but what's funny about that is the moment he smacks down with the hammer and becomes

unworthy, he's like, I can't take it off you. And so I think that's a fairly clear win. To Superman. To Superman. Like, my god, a fairly clear win To Superman Like my god what a clear win Superman tick That was a classic fight That people have asked for I guess So now we'll move on to another classic one

What about Loki vs Lex Luthor Let's take their villains and pit them against each other Winner gets all of course What kind of Lex Luthor are we having here Are we having like crazy Lex Luther who has access to kryptonite and like us like a cyborg suit thing I think that's the only way to make it fair or like you just be like you see the president of the United States president of the United States the secret service

yeah it's like the Aussie rules football the cricket pitch change the field let's let's chuck it in one of those, like, you know the cricket box? The, like, chain link box? What do you call that? Oh, the nets. Yeah, the nets in there. So it's quite a small fight. It's very crowded.

No, a bowling alley. Commentary box. Let's just put it in a commentary box. Not fighting, because clearly one's a god, one's a dude, but they're bowling. So they're having a bowling off. Done. Done. Well, I mean, Lex Luthor could rig the bowling match fairly easily,

let's be honest. Loki could mind control Lex to bowl lots of god of balls, though. That's true. That's very true. I feel like Loki could just, like, fuck up the bowling ball. So, like, Lex wouldn't even notice. Yeah, that's true. I feel like Loki's winning this one fairly concisely

I think Loki's probably gonna win cause he's gonna do some tricky bullshit cause I said agent of chaos he could be like oh I'm just gonna fuck around with probabilities and like that shouldn't have fallen overboard it did but Lex president of the United States has a secret service Loki gets distracted by all this bullshit and like five frames

in it's like strike strike strike strike strike Lex is like one he's on like four and the secret service is coming to kneecap Loki when he's not paying attention because he's too distracted by his own bullshit. Sneaky assassinate make it look like an accident

that's totally doable. But then the pressure's on because Lex needs to bowl five strikes. But, the White House has its own bowling alley. Yeah. So Lex could be getting in some sneaky practice and be like, fucking the best.

So it doesn't matter how magic Loki is, Lex is just that good a bowler. Because I can imagine, when he's not wanting to take down Superman, Lex is practicing his bowling game. Yeah, how great is it to imagine him getting a strike and doing a little dance? And then giving Loki the

finger. Putting his bald head in the ball waxer. Can you see your face in it, Loki? Can you see your face? I can imagine Lex Luthor being the type of piece of shit that would go to shake Loki's hand at the end of the game and then just slide it through his bald head. So he'd be like, oh, too slow.

And just like that wax on his bald head. Then he'd go to shake his hand with the greasy, greasy bald wax. Although Loki would probably just rub his hair as well. He looks like a greasy man. It would just be the greasiest hand. They'd both just go to shake hands and be like, oh. So I think it's a clear win to Lex I'm putting money on Lex there Lex could keep Loki's ass in bowling

I bet he'd be a dick about it too makes it even better I feel like the stakes there is winner buys lunch at the little cafeteria at the bowling alley it's the White House the little gross cafeteria in the at the bowling alley? The White House. It is the White House. The little gross cafeteria in the White House bowling alley.

That's a dream job. Hot dogs are on me. That's seven bucks each. Damn it. Damn, damn, damn, damn. I only have... I'm only the president. My wallet's just full of crypto.

The taxpayers will take this. The taxpayers will pay for my shitty bowling alley hot dogs. What are some other classic fights that, you know, it's the kind of, oh, this is what people are always talking about. This person versus that person. Well, in the spirit of the newest Marvel film, Ant-Man, I've been thinking, like, who would win in a fight between a man the size of an ant or an ant the size of a man?

Oh. Wait, hang on. Wait, we're not really considering the ant. I was like, ooh, wait, no, this isn't a man. Oh. Wait, hang on. Wait, we're not really considering the ant. I was like, ooh, wait, no, this isn't a question at all. No, no, no, it's ant man versus man ant.

Because, like, when ant man is an ant, when ant man's the size of an ant, he gets this, he's like a bullet. He gets super strength so he could, like,

be punching a giant ant in the face. Okay, well, can he, like, jump super high? Yeah. Then I feel like maybe the little Ant-Man, because he'd just be like,

through the ant's head. And also, as we know, with ants, like, when they expand, the reason they can't get that big is because they can't breathe properly. So... So is this just like a... An ant dies, and then...

It'll just be having... If it's not going to die straight away, because it's suffocating itself, it's going to have, like, some wheezing problems of breathing. And I'm guessing the exoskeleton's going to die straight away because it's suffocating itself, it's going to have some wheezing problems of breathing. And I'm guessing the exoskeleton is going to be pretty brittle. Ant-Man is just going to straight through it. I feel like Ant-Man could win that one by default

if he just waited long enough. Especially if it's a race. If it's a race, then definitely Ant-Man wins and the man-ant just gets lost. No, it's bullshit foot race. Bicycle race. Yes! Ant-Man again. Oh, no, because he's too little to use a bike.

Yeah, but who's built a bike for an ant? Exactly. The ant's got a clamber on top of that bike and somehow pedals all the way through. It has the intelligence of an ant. How are you even describing to it that a bike race is going to happen? You'll be like, hey, man-ant. It's just going to get spooked.

And then run, and you're going to gonna be like I guess you win ant man and ant man's gonna be like I guess good and because the ant can like crawl on walls and up fucking ceilings it'll just be like spooked and crawling everywhere exactly you aren't getting that down from the fucking unless you get a broom and like try and jab it down you're out of luck

there's an ant living on my roof and it's way too big so who are we saying ant man by default ant man wins his-Man by default? Ant-Man wins his bike race by default. What about Han Solo versus Indiana Jones? That's another good one. In a fist fight? Yeah, fist fight. Straight fist fight.

No lasers. No, but Han Solo, he's a smuggler. He's got a vest on. It's great. Doesn't Indy wear a vest as well? He does. Oh, no! Han mostly uses a gun. I think he's great yeah but all the indy wear a vest as well he does oh no but hand something i don't know hand mostly uses gun i think is to rely on the gun plus he's got a wookie and he's always going to be like heavy lifting punching a dick get the wookie to do it whereas yeah hand solos he's whereas indy is just like i'll use everything so yeah amlet solo indiana jones wins

that one but what about chewbacca versus short round now there now we're talking sidekicks short round is quick and he could give jordan's quick and if i feel like if he knew where the testicles were on a wookie he could win because he's like right at testicle height so he could slide in there really but we don't know where wookie balls are yeah we'd assume like in the boop. But we don't know where Wookiee balls are. We'd assume, like, in the groin area. But you don't know. They could be under their armpits. Yeah, exactly. In anatomy. Wookiee's brain? Who knows?

Short Rail can drive a car, I guess. Chewie can drive a spaceship. He's one of the best pilots out there. Yeah, so. He did the thing in the Parsecs. Yeah. Castle Run. So let's take a pod race.

Okay. Pod race. Short Rail v. Chewbacca. Okay, well, we have to teach pod racing to Short Rail.. Chewbacca. Okay, well, we have to teach pod racing to short round. And Chewbacca. Chewbacca knows how to move in like a lumbering, not that fast kind of Millennium Falcon. Yeah, it's fast, but there's no real obstacles.

Yeah, you know why short round wins? What a hunk of junk! Because I can speak to short round. He knows some English. If I'm like, Chewie, this is how a pod racer works. He's like, oh! Chewie knows English. He knows Chewie and I'm like Chewie this is how a podracer works He's like Chewie knows English Chewie in hand can have conversations

Everyone else has difficulty What if he's like Is that a question? What do you want Chewie? He's like I can't hear a Chewie noise That wasn't it That's more of a bear

That's a bear noise That's a bear noise You look like a sick bear So you need to go to the doctor, Chewie. I think Chewie would just get fed up with me trying to teach him. Short Round might win a pod race. Yeah, Short Round could if you could teach him. Because also he'd have a smaller pod.

Yeah, exactly. Whereas you've got to build a big pod for Chewbacca. Yeah, true. Well, okay, so Short Round wins that. And because they're already on Tatooine, fist fight between Young Anakin and Short Round. Fist fight between Young Anakin and Old Anakin. Old Anakin's willing to go there, so I think that's a pretty quick fist fight.

As in, like, Old Anakin, we're talking, like, episode three. We're talking Darth Vader. Post-episode six, when he's, like, when he becomes Anakin again, when he takes off his helmet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, Final Anakin versus first Anakin. That's tough. That's a tough one.

Well, Return of the Jedi, Darth Vader is working against the, oh, Anakin is working against the clock because he's dying. Yeah, true. So if little, but little Anakin doesn't, he's Annie. Little Annie. Little orphan Annie. Little orphan Annie. He's got no, like, good spot.

He doesn't know what he's doing. Just before Darth Vader Throws the Emperor off the Into the Choreactor So what's happened to Darth at that point? He's been electrocuted Has he lost any more hands? What's the hand count?

Yes He's lost How battle damaged Is our Anakin at this point? What's the dino damage like on this Darth Vader? Because he loses a hand How battle damaged is our Anakin What's the dino damage like on this Darth Vader Because he loses a hand It would have to be in that fight Because

He picks up Emperor Throws him into the core A fucking wormhole space portal opens And little orphan Annie just pops out And there is like He puts up his dukes And Darth Vader drops his lightsaber And puts up his dukes and then Darth Vader drops his lightsaber and puts up his dukes.

He's one duke. You're an angel, but an evil one. Let's fight, cunt. Then they go at it. Who's winning? Darth Vader's an adult. But he's got breathing problems. Breathing problems.

And he's got no mask. One hand. Electrocuted. Electrocuted. And plus, little orphan Annie is like, that's my future! That's gotta be traumatising. Little orphan Annie

has just time travelled so he'll be tired. Yeah, exactly. So okay, alright, give him half an hour so he can have a sandwich. Okay, and some orange slices. And some orange slices.

And can he just be like, what happened? He just needs to come to terms with what just happened. Yeah, be like, look, your time travel, this is you in the future. I know it's looking pretty rough.

Things happen, this is your son. Luke, say hi. hi hi good yes he could win by default though because he's like i don't want to turn out like that and then Darth Vader's like yeah that's true by default in the fucking throne room royale. All right. What else? Who else? What are the classic matches can we imagine?

The Rock versus A-Rock. Okay. Who's wielding a rock? Or is the rock alone? How do you know when a rock is dead? Yeah. How do you know when a rock has won? Because I feel like Dwayne the Rock Johnson does.

Dwayne the Rock has stamina. A rock has won. Because I feel like Dwayne the Rock Johnson does. Dwayne the Rock has stamina. A rock has no stamina. But then if Dwayne the Rock Johnson does the people's elbow on an actual rock, he's going to hurt himself. That's a good point. I feel like... The rock bottom would fuck up a rock, though. That's true. How big's the rock?

Are we talking like a boulder? Are we talking like a good... Like a rock you can fit in your hand? How big is a rock? Is that what you mean? Yes hand How big is a rock? Is that what you mean? How big is a rock? We'll go like The size of a

Could I fit it in my hand? No Are we talking the size of Dwayne the Rock? Is a rock the size of the rock? No it's like it's a boulder Okay Imagine like the size of a chair I feel like a rock wins

Is it chiseled to look like a dude or is it just a rock is it chiseled to at least have fists how do we know when it's lost when it breaks can Dwayne the Rock Johnson break a rock you know those perpetual rolling boulders type things

I thought you were going to be like that question no no no fuck that question it's like a U, no, no, no, fuck that question. It's like a U-shape in a natural formation, and a rock just starts at one end and falls and rolls down the other, and then it hits the other apex or whatever, and then it just rolls back down. Okay, so that, a rock at one end, the rock at the other. All right.

He has to run down that ramp while we push that other rock and see what happens. I like to imagine him just punching it back up the mountain. I feel like he could. I feel like he could split a rock in half. If he had the momentum behind him. Or he could just give it, yeah, people's elbow. People's elbow get damaged.

The rock wins. The rock just pelts down that almost vertical incline, picks up speed, is just about to connect with a rock, just jumps at last moment, does the people's elbow. If it was a proper people's elbow, he'd jump over the rock, keep running, get to the top, then run back down,

jump over the rock again, and then come back and then... And then do the people's elbow. And I think with that much momentum and force... And that much hype from the crowd... And that much hype from the crowd, a rock is going down. Yeah, I feel like A-Rock is getting split and twain,

and we're like... Split and twain by Dwayne! Oh, Dwayne by Dwayne! That's a victory to the rock. Yeah, good. And you hold up his hand in joy and happiness. What about Spider-Man and Batman versus Man-Spider and Man-Bat?

I think Man-Bat, Man-Spider, because they're feral. Yeah. No, they'll turn on each other. Oh, yeah, they won't. Bats eat spiders. Natural enemies. So not only is Man-Bat going to eat Man-Spider, I think Batman's going to beat the shit out of Spider-Man

as a natural fear response. He's going to be like, oh, delicious, beating the shit out of Spider-Man. As he looks over. He's going to be like, oh, delicious. Beating the shit out of Spider-Man. As he looks over at Man-Bat, Man-Bat's like, this is pretty good. This is fucking good. Also, I think Man-Spider

is just Peter Parker having the worst time. He is. Like, Man-Bat's had a while to get used to being Man-Bat, so he's like, I know what's going on. Man-Spider's like,

It's just Peter Parker having a shit one with extra limbs. I had a Man-Spider toy. I don't know why my parents were like, here's an action figure of... What's that, a Man-Bat toy? A body horror action figure.

Yeah, that was super traumatising. I remember that episode of the animated series. Gross. Gross. So are we saying that that's a victory to Man-Bat and Batman? Yes. Over Man-Spider and Spider-Man? They swapped teams, but here we are.

They then join forces. Exactly. So Batman, without any used gadgets, versus just a man with a real good bat. What bat are we talking? Baseball bat? Cricket bat? Cricket bat. We're back on the cricket pitch.

Okay. I want to say one of the War Brothers, both of them actually, with cricket bats versus Batman. What kind of Batman? Mark was shit. So Steve war though. Best captain Australia's ever had. Okay.

All right. So Steve war. Okay. Steve war with the cricket bat versus Batman. Is Batman naked or in the bat suit? He's not in the bat suit. He's in cricket whites, you idiot. He's in cricket whites, you idiot.

He's in cricket whites that are very similar to the 1960s Batman outfit. Okay, so like... Pyjamas, but white. All right. And it still has the bat symbol and he has a hat. But not a white hat because that got close to the KKK. But he's got a cape on, though. Yeah, definitely.

Okay, so what era of Batman are we talking? We're talking Adam West Batman. Okay. But in cricket whites. All right. With a cowl and cape. Versus Steve Waugh in his prime. Yeah.

I think Steve Waugh is a clear winner. Yeah, also because Steve Waugh, great brain on him. He's a very clever man. Military strategist. Actually, great brain on him. He's a very clever man. Military strategist. Actually, funny you say that, because the reason he's such a great captain is he was happy to make the tough calls. So he's happy to beat the shit out of Batman.

He knows what's right. Adam West Batman is not accustomed to actual violence as well. So the moment that bat connects with his body and actually connects with that, so much as a power of a blam, he's gonna be like Oh! Oh my god! And then it's just gonna carry on from there until he's a pulp.

Good, good. Steve-O wins. Speaking of war, Hawkeye from M.A.S.H. versus Hawkeye from The Avengers. Hawkeye from M.A.S.H., is he bringing a gun because he's from the military? I would say so. Then Hawkeye from M.A.S.H. is he bringing a gun because he's from the military I would say so then Hawkeye from M.A.S.H.

because in the time it takes for somebody to draw a bow you can fire a shot and so Hawkeye from M.A.S.H. wins and then stirs a little martini and he's like I did that with Klaus as well I got Hawkeye and Radar confused for a second and then I was imagining Radar just being like I killed the man

and he'd be so sick what have I done but yeah no Hawkeye from MASH could totally ice Hawkeye from the Avengers I agree I think if they were one on one Hawkeye from the Avengers looks like he works out Hawkeye from MASH looks like he's letting himself go a bit

Hawkeye from MASH looks like he just stands around making quips whilst everyone else does work exactly but if it was a surgery competition actually no I take that back Hawkeye from MASH looks like he just stands around making quips whilst everyone else does work. Exactly, but if it was a surgery competition. Actually, no, I take that back. Hawkeye does a lot of work. Yeah, a lot of surgery. Hawkeye from MASH, yeah. Let's make it a surgeon off. Okay. Who's the best surgeon? So we've got one of their best

buddies. He has appendicitis and they need to get out like lickety split. Hawkeye from MASH definitely wins. Yeah, Hawkeye from the Avengers. Kills him by accident. Accidentally shoots a bow into him. They have to use their tool of choice. So Hawkeye from M.A.S.H. definitely wins. Yeah, Hawkeye from the Avengers. Kills him by accident. Accidentally shoots a bow into him. They have to use their tool of choice. So Hawkeye from M.A.S.H. using a scalpel. Hawkeye from Avengers is using a scalpel

attached to a bow and arrow. He's just like, I got this. I can just make it glance off the artery. Oh, dear. M.A.S.H. don't have physics. He's dead. He's dead. I killed this guy.

That was a pretty clear victory to Hawkeye from MASH. Speaking of surgeons, House versus Hawkeye. Hawkeye has just... Like House MD or an actual House? House MD versus Hawkeye from MASH in a fist fight. In a fist fight? In a bar. Shit, I want to say Hawkeye from MASH in a fist fight. In a fist fight? In a bar. Shit, I want to say Hawkeye from MASH.

However, House is drugged up on Vicodin and he's got a cane. True. But a bum leg. But a bum leg. You knock that cane out from under him, he's off balance immediately.

Or you smack his leg. His shitty, no-muscled leg. Yeah, exactly. What happened to House anyway? How did he get a shit leg? I can't remember. The shitty, no-muscled leg. Yeah, exactly. What happened to House, anyway? How did he get a shit leg? I can't remember. The war. That was a car accident.

Wrong guy. All right. Car accident? Probably. Hawkeye from M.A.S.H. has no real faults physically. He's, like, maybe a bit out of shape, but he's fine. He could be too drunk that night, though. House, Vikerton, Hawkeye, drunk.

They're both not feeling a lot. Money's on Hawkeye. Yeah, I think my money's on Hawkeye as well because House has that added negative of having a bum leg and you could just knock him out and beat the shit out of him in a bar if you wanted to. Unless it's Hawkeye now in the present. So he's like, I don't know.

When was MASH even set? It was World War II? Nah, Vietnam. Oh, yeah, of course it was Vietnam. So he's... Don't shake your head at me. What the fuck? Do you know the TV show MASH went longer than the actual war?

That's the best. Yeah. Did you know at the end of the TV show MASH, they went to war and it was super sad? Yeah, they got moved. All right, MASH. What is the M-A-s-h i mean m-a-m star a star s star h yes exactly what does mash stand for men at some hole hey sounds like a good saturday night yeah all right let's go let's go. Let's do that. All right. The cast of MASH versus the cast of FRIENDS.

David Schwimmer would have no qualms biting a man. He no shit karate. Yeah, he does. He does. But actually, I'm talking about the cast, not the characters. The actors. Yeah, David Schwimmer. Yeah, no, David Schwimmer would just happily bite a dude.

He would bite a man and he wouldn't give a fuck. We're talking like MASH then? No, MASH now. So it's like 30, 40-somethings versus 50, 60-somethings effectively. I think it would be 40 pushing 50-somethings versus 60 pushing 70-somethings. Yeah, okay. And I feel like there was more crew on Friends

because I'm including crew as well. We get the football pitch, the AFL football pitch. Shut up. The pitch? No, the AFL football pitch. No, I love it. Yeah, it's good. It's happening. The crew and cast of Friends, the crew and cast of M.A.S.H. running at each

other like a Lord of the Rings war. Because they grew up around Vietnam and shit. They've got that hardened old-timey bullshit where there's a Lord of the Rings war. Nah, because they grew up around Vietnam and shit. They've got that hardened, old-timey bullshit where there's a bunch of millennials being like, I just want to sip my latte and talk about my feelings, whereas MASH is like, shut up, you fucking pussy.

MASH would get a head start because David Schwimmer would be the only one who wanted to fight old men. Yeah, exactly. Everyone else would be like, hmm. David Schwimmer's like, nah, get him. I think Alan Alda would just ruin David Schwimmer. Yeah, I feel like he would decimate him. Although I think Lisa Kudrow would probably just take down Jason Alexander like that.

Jason Alexander? He was in MASH. He was in MASH? Where? Jason Alexander, as in? As in Seinfeld, yes. George Costanza was in MASH. Yes.

Well, I'll be. When? How old is he? I don't have my phone on me. He was very young. That's amazing. Well, that's a sad Jason Alexander who is getting no work and a sad Lisa Kudrow who is getting no work.

So, yes, they would have a sad fight together. I feel like those who are getting work, like Jennifer Aniston and... No one else. I feel like those who are getting work Like Jennifer Aniston and No one else I feel like Jennifer Aniston just doesn't come Gotta protect the money maker She's like I'm earning a living here I'm probably making another movie with Vince Vaughn

The cast of Seinfeld Versing each other In a royal rumble A cage match Hell in a cell The cast or the characters Cast A cage match How in a cell How in a cell The cast or the characters Cast

Now or then Cast of Seinfeld now versus the cast of Seinfeld then How in a cell In the cell that they're in at the end of the finale of Seinfeld But no no no no It, no, no, no.

It's like old George and new George versus old Jerry and new Jerry versus... Team ups. Team ups. Well, new old Kramer, as in Kramer now, present Kramer, super sad and depressed about his life. So he'd come on and he'd be like, yeah. I think old Kramer might beat the shit out of new Kramer. Like there might be a fight there. Like what happened to us? I think most of them will beat the shit out of new Kramer. There might be a fight there.

What happened to us? I think most of them will come out and be like, things are not amazing after Seinfeld. You did B-movie and it's not a success. Julia Dreyfus. Dreyfus. Dreyfus. She's on top.

Julia Louise. Dreyfus. That's the one. Julia Louise Dreyfus. She's going to win. I feel like she's gonna come out on top because I like that somehow it's in a fight but career wise as well

I know we've included career it's like if your career does well you're more powerful in this fight if at the end of Seinfeld you've come out so young her is weak yeah young her is like ha ha ha but new her can use young her like a weapon like a 2x4 and like new Jerry Seinfeld just. And like new Jerry Seinfeld

just clearly resting on old Jerry Seinfeld's laurels. Yeah, exactly. I think, yeah. So new Jerry is using old Jerry as his legs. New Elaine is using old Elaine as a weapon. A bat. A bat. As a bat.

The Kramers are fighting each other. What happened? What the hell happened? What happened? Why did we become this? I don't know. You, George, is wearing a toupee and old George is like... Talking about magic and how much he loves it.

Yes. All right. So I guess Elaine wins. The real winner is us. Because we get to watch them destroy each other. We don't care. Let's see. Let's see some like villains now.

Yeah, we need to. It's about time to finish on like a big one that everyone wants to know all about. Okay. So we've mentioned, I believe we've mentioned this on air sometime before, and it's always been a fight that we've wanted to settle. And I think our listeners definitely agree with this one. So we're doing a versus episode. It's the perfect time For a butler off

Butler off Alfred V Jarvis Who wins We're talking Jarvis from the comic book Avengers Where he's a butler or Jarvis from Iron Man Where he's an electronic butler Did I fucking start up

Butler off original Jarvis Alright And this is a competition wherein the best butler of original Jarvis. And this is a competition wherein the best butler wins. A butler to the death, the best butler wins. Correct. Alright, well I think Jarvis already has a one up because he's

butlering for many a cast, whereas Alfred is only butling for one person. The Robins. And the whole Bat family. That's true, but they're just dudes, whereas Jarvis has to deal with Hulk taking mean shits in the toilet. Yeah, that's true. What does a Hulk poop look like? Heavy.

I imagine heavy. I imagine heavy and green and purple. Glowing a bit. It also has shorts. That's what I was picturing. Good. Just imagine a Hulk shitting out a mini Hulk. Yeah, a little bit.

That's childbirth Jackson that's birth okay so I think the way we got to do this is we got to decide on five different categories of bottlering so I'm gonna say toilet maintenance I'm going to say cleaning like showering cleaning cleaning bathroom cleaning bathroom cleaning uh cooking dinner so two cooking dinner um like I don't know what it would be But looking after them Like battle After battling medical stuff

After battle care After battle care First aid First aid I prefer after battle care I think after battle care Because it's more general And there's a lot of

There's more than just first aid That needs to be done Being a good listener Like a good Let's just go customer service Yeah customer service Customer service And Gentle wake ups Okay done That's true Let's just go customer service Customer service And

Gentle wake ups That's true we do need gentle wake ups Because you've got to remember both Bruce Wayne And Tony Stark Fan of the old bend of the elbow If you know what I mean I mean drinking Tony Stark is sober

He's 20 years sober now today Happy 20th. Let's celebrate with a drink. To your soberisms. Okay, so let's go first. Bathroom maintenance. Bathroom maintenance. I think Jarvis has to have a lot to deal with because could you imagine Beast

just hopping around having a shower? He's got to come in there and clean all that. I think he's got to do a lot more. Fur. He's got to deal with fur. Plogging of the drains. Like Wolverine's bullshit. Because I don't think he's... Wolverine is not going to be... He's not going to clean up after himself. No, and I with fur clogging of the drains like Wolverine's bullshit because I don't think he's

Wolverine is not going to be he's not going to clean up after himself no and I think at the end of the day he's just dealing with more people using a bathroom if you've got

you know certain like few people using a bathroom it just it stays clean you look after yourselves and I feel like you know

Batman probably doesn't spend much time in the bathroom yeah I'm just going to say even if he invites his friends over and stuff, the worst thing Alfred's going to have to clean up

is someone else's pubes. Yeah, exactly. And I think the Robins, because they're so young, they probably haven't hit puberty yet, so they're fine. How old are the Robins? Not very. It varies. I mean, Nightwing's a man now, but Nightwing's never around.

That's fine. Nightwing's like, I was a Robin, I graduated, now I have my own city. Alfred does have to deal with the floozies that Bruce brings back to kind of you know have that mystique

that he's a playboy that's true he'd be like I feel like Alfred would just always have a broom get in scat scat

he'd be the one to be like I'm sorry Master Bruce isn't here right now I've made you some scramble necks could you please leave

yeah that's true but like I feel like Jarvis would have to put up with that Tony Stark bullshit as well yeah but there's so many more Avengers

that I think a lot of the rather than Jarvis dealing with maybe one of Tony Stark's floozies you probably got Natasha there being like

oh what's your name Cindy hi how are you yeah fuck off it was lovely to meet you Jessica oh do you mean Cindy

oh no he just brings so many women home and you're not special so I'm a I, Jessica. Oh, do you mean Cindy? Oh, no, he just brings so many women home and you're not special. So I'm a Soviet spy. What do you do? Waitress. Oh, yeah.

That's cool too, I guess. Yeah, I bet you earn heaps. Fuck off. Get the fuck out. So we've got to go on a mission now. Save the world. Actually, that's a good point. Tony wouldn't be bringing ladies back to the Avengers thing

because there's too many Avengers there. That's true. That's probably a security risk. But I feel like Hulk would. I just feel like Hulk is like one of them frat boys that just doesn't know personal boundaries. I feel like Hulk goes out and sleeps with

whores. That's my feeling. Hulk needs some human contact so he goes to a brothel and he's ashamed. No, Hulk would bring prostitutes back and then try and pass it off like he picked them up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And charge him like the Avengers credit card. Everyone's like, it's clearly a whore. Be like, oh, good morning.

How are things? Oh, Hulk's brought home another whore. We're not judging. You gotta earn a living. Bruce Bennett comes out and is like, picked up again last night. I was like, Bruce, it doesn't count. Bruce, we don't care if you're sleeping with a prostitute. That's fine. He's he's like no what the fuck why would you even say that

the whole guy would have to pay you mean shenanay nah I just met her at a club we go way back sorry I said anything Bruce yeah I'm sorry

shenanay and then Jarv's like you don't have to pay her off here you go shenanay thank you for not saying anything shenanay it's fine I appreciate it

I feel like in terms of bathroom maintenance Bruce Wayne, I mean, Alfred never has to do shit I feel like the only place Bruce Wayne poops is in the Batcave Although the Avengers Mansion would have Tony Stark and other people just inventing

everything Tony Stark's probably like, I've got a pill you can take I've got to poop again I was thinking more of a self-cleaning toilet, but okay. Eating pills to not poop. Sure, Jack. Why not? If someone gave me that pill

I think after about three weeks I'd just be like, you know what? I miss pooping. I'm worried. I miss pooping. I'm depressed. Probably just going a neck myself. That's probably the way to go. Would your butthole lose elasticity because you're not using it as much?

Or would it get super tight? It would just become super tight. I imagine so. I hope eventually that the butthole seals over, the crack seals over completely. And we just get a smooth lump of fat. And it's just basically a skin cushion now. Damn you, Tony!

So I feel like Jarvis is the best butler because he manages. He does. And he has more to deal with at the end of the day. Plus he's got both male and female toilets to deal with if they're not using a unisex one. A lot of the bat women tend to have their own bases and their own places. They don't live at Wayne Manor.

So that's a good point. I guess on terms of clanliness, it's certainly bathroom clanliness. We went for that, not all general clanliness. Just bathroom clanliness. But in terms of bathroom clanliness, yeah, he wins there. Although Batman often has villains rockin' up. But it's not really bathroom clanliness. Yeah, but like the penguins

they get all that shit. Penguins like, yeah, look, we stole from Wayne Manor. He's like, wait, boys. They're like, what? He's like, I'm just going to go take a mean shit, and I'm not going to flush. Wah, wah. Wah.

Bruce, what the fuck is this, Alfred? Alfred, did somebody take a mean shit in the toilet? Alfred, what is this? Master Bruce, there are so many toilets in the manor, I can't look after them all. I like to think it's also like penguin shit, so kind of like liquid fun as well. Just sprayed.

So what was our next category? We had bathroom maintenance. We had breakfast? No, it was dinner. Dinner. Cooking, cooking. No, no, no, it was cooking dinner. Yeah, cooking dinner specifically. We've got to keep it broad. Cooking dinner. Alfred always Cooking. Cooking. No, no, no. It was cooking dinner. Yeah, cooking dinner specifically.

We've got to keep it broad. Cooking dinner. Alfred always makes a meal for Batman, even if Batman's not coming home. That shows dedication. True. I feel like that in the Batman, especially the Christopher Nolan universe, Alfred's always just bringing Batman food. He's just never eating it.

Yeah. He's like, good morning, Bruce. What the fuck voice is that? Good morning, Bruce. Good morning, Bruce. Mommy. I've, Bruce. Mommy. I've bought some yonder now. That almost went into Eddie Redmayne in Jupiter.

Mommy. That did. There it is. Ladies and gentlemen. I know everyone can't see this, but I'm doing that dumb face because it brings me pleasure. Yeah, so he's always bringing him food, dedication. He's like, Bruce, you've got to wake up. You've got to be Bruce Wayne.

Bruce, you've got a whole world out there. I've made you a roast pig. And he's like, Bruce Wayne is like, and just goes and... Have a shower, then grab like a protein bar. And then Alfred would just be so salty. Alfred, I'm not eating all of this chicken. It's so fatty. But I slaved away. Alfred, just make just be so salty. Alfred, I'm not eating all of this chicken. It's so fatty. But I slaved away.

Alfred, just make me a protein shake. But Master Bruce, all of my butler trading. Do we see Jarvis cook the Avengers food? No. Not really. I think very rarely does he ever. I can imagine Jarvis just... Not Jarvis.

I can imagine Alfred just doing a couple scoops of protein shake and just being real, like, just muttering under his breath. I'd bust a bush if I did that, don't you? A slave duet. Well, I guess I'll chuck the roast chicken in the bin, then. You happy, Bruce? There you go, in the bin. Oh, no, whatever.

I'd like it bad. He's cooking for the Robins as well. Protein shakes, not breakfast, Master Bruce. Protein shakes, not a breakfast, Master Bruce. Eggs are a breakfast eggs said bacon a glass of OJ that's a breakfast

I feel like the Robins are going to love him you struck like a weird pose you're like the Robins one fist Superman pose the Robins you looked like a Greek statue oh my god I'm interested in the fucking... Superman pose? The Robins? Yeah, the one that flexes a little bit. The Robins.

You looked like a Greek statue. Oh my god. You guys. But flabby. You were Adonis. But yeah, he's cooking for the Robins as well. So you've got to remember that. And they are growing boys.

Yeah, so they're going to eat a lot. Fuck teenagers eat heaps. So Alfred's got to deal with that. Yeah, he's cooking them dinner. And again, every night. You've got to remember that a lot of the Avengers, they're doing their own thing. Everybody's coming back to the Wayne Manor just to kick it sometimes.

And I feel the Avengers mansion would have their own chef. Yeah, probably. Jarvis might be there taking orders, being like, what does everyone want? He'd probably try and keep track of everyone's dietary needs. Yeah. You know, like, Tiger needs this. I will not allow this waitering bullshit to be counted as a butler thing.

That's my point. I think he'd be very good at doing that, but actual making the food? No, I'm going to give it to Alfred. Alfred is a culinary genius. Also, yeah, I feel like, because most of the Avengers are like, hey, we're the Avengers, so it doesn't really matter if people know who they are kind of thing. Or they're like, hey, I'm Iron Man, And in public view, they're just always Iron Man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So they could hire a team of chefs and stuff like that. Where Bruce is all like, if anyone finds out I'm Batman... I'm for fucked. You know how much I've been fizzled? I'm so fucked. I will go to jail. Like in a heartbeat, in a hot minute. Yeah.

All right, so we're going to give culinary skills to Alfred. Who won the first one? Oh, yeah, Jarvis. Jarvis won bathroom maintenance. Alfred wins cooking dinner. Next one. Battle aftercare, wasn't it? Battle aftercare.

Well, Alfred is a nurse. No, a surgeon. Yep. So Alfred has been stitching Batman up for years. Since the get-go. Since he was a boy. Yeah. Since he was your boy.

Wasn't Alfred in one of the wars? Yeah, probably. Yeah, yeah. I feel like that he was in probably World War II, but then they've been like, that's too old now. I guess he was in Vietnam. Yeah, but he was a military surgeon.

He was a military surgeon. That's correct. Bullet wounds and stuff. He's like, what the hell? That's fine. Every time Batman comes home, he's like... Missiles? I can get it out of you.

Yeah. You're full of darts? No problem. Cut wounds? Like a knife fight? I can stitch that up whereas like you ate a grenade good whereas the this the injuries that the Avengers are facing I feel are a little bit above and beyond like one man's one man's capabilities a mortal man cannot deal he's like well you got a magic blast to the chest. I don't know. All of your adamantium got ripped out and your nose fell off. Yeah.

Well, you're feral. But does he do any? Because the thing here is that if Jarvis does anything, it's a lot more impressive than if Alfred does anything. Alfred's taking out a bullet. If Jarvis can fix one laser wound. I think Jarvis would like get a lie down, get like a cold compress, put it on your forehead, maybe get you an aspirin and some lemonade.

And be like, there we go. Yeah, there you go. I'm going to call a doctor. I'm going to call Reed Richards. So. And I feel like Reed's like head would just burst through the door like you called. Yeah. So in terms terms of contacts,

he can dial a phone pretty good. And we're not just talking about surgery, we're talking about the whole aftercare situation. He'd make it more personal. I think his bedside manner would be real good. Alfred's is really good. No, no, no, Alfred's is judgy. You come back and he's like,

Buster Bruce, you're full of poison darts. You've got a press conference in an hour. What are you doing with your life, Master Bruce? Why are you always bad in the man? I made you a whole chicken and now you're out. I've got to clear your wounds, you piece of shit, Master Bruce. You've got lots of... I'm going to spit in your eyes.

My Alfred has this voice now. Italian Alfred, eh? Eh, Master Bruce. Master Bruce, I'm making you good spaghetti why you no eat it the spaghetti real good you out there

getting a shot instead you all look at your wound let me get some of this lasagna and just like put a little lasagna

thing on the top of that look you good alright now go go play with boys Jarvis wins this round yeah I think that's fair

I think Alfred's way too judgy Jarvis looks like he doesn't he's not a surgeon but he'd look after you a lot better. I think, well, yeah, and if you copped it real bad, then Jarvis would just take you to hospital, where Alfred's like, well, I can't, because how am I going to explain this?

That's a good point. Very true. That's a very good point. So I guess that's duty of care is not great there, Alfred. Customer service. Customer service. Alfred is like, he's a bitch. He didn't deliver that letter.

He didn't deliver that letter. And then eight years later, he was like, by the way, fuck you. That's true. That's mean. That is very mean. And he's like a sass queen and like fucking other instances. Alfred is the sass queen. But you don't need it.

No, it's not good customer service. If I got a butler and he kept sassing me, I'd be like, do you know who you are? You were my butler and now you're fired. Being a cunt's funny, but having someone be a cunt to you isn't a good time. Yeah, exactly. And I get that, hey, Alfred's kind of like a father figure for Bruce, but nobody wants

a sassy dad. Sass dad, stay at home. Sass dad, stay out of it. So that's a pretty terrible butlering on the part of Alfred. Customer service-wise. Customer service-wise. Jarvis. Jarvis, he sometimes has to deal with the public calling up the Avengers.

Okay. He has to deal with the Avengers calling the mansion, being like, hey, something's up. He's got to be the one that's sending out alerts, being like, look, code whatever, Avengers need to assemble. Come on, everybody, let's do some shit. Everyone does respect Jarvis Although Jarvis has been Ultron before

And he was once a Skrull Yeah, see that's the problem But Alfred was the Joker once And he's also true But I think the thing with Alfred is that Alfred wants to organise all of Batman's rogues galleries from his super acting abilities

Yeah, that's a tough one. That's a very tough one because they're kind of on equal footing. I feel like Alfred is very understanding and he's willing to discipline some of the Robins if need be. And I think that's good. But he's also an enabler.

Yeah, that's true as well. He's a weird enabler though. He's like, do what the city needs, Master Bruce. I don't like you too, Master Bruce, but I've just one band. You're one bat band. You'll beat the shit out of me.

Yeah. I really need to work on my fucking... You need to work on your Michael Caine. Yeah, because... No, not even Michael Caine. I just can't decide on what I want my Alfred to sound like. I think I just need to go look in a mirror for 20 minutes and do some voices, pull some faces.

Do some voices at yourself. Just in a public bathroom. Yeah. Don't buy to be up just to try not to wear different outfits

yeah like if you can find a stream like a well like you know with a lot of people around and just do it into that yeah

I think we're like make a live stream either way hey guys do you want to watch me do terrible accents for seven and a half hours join me

um that's a tough one. Customer service, I would give it to Jarvis. I feel like I want to give it to Jarvis as well. I feel like Jarvis has been Ultron, sort of. And that wasn't man Jarvis, that was computer Jarvis. And then computer Jarvis became vision. And we aren't talking about computer Jarvis,

we're talking about classic butler Jarvis. He was just a Skrull once. Honestly, we've all been Skrulls at some point who isn't a Skrull? we've all just been taken away, put into a ship and someone else has just taken over our life and Skrulled us to hell and that's not Jarvis' fault

that's not Jarvis being like I am a Skrull now he's just like I got kidnapped and then replaced with a Skrull Alfred was just like I'm the Joker but again that was an elseworld. Yeah, that was whatever happened to the man of tomorrow. It was a several, these are could-bes. Yes.

That was the man of tomorrow. Whatever happened to the man of tomorrow is the end of... To the caped crusader. I'm sorry, everyone. Everyone has hung up their podcast headphones because they're sick of your shit. And what was our last question? Gentle wake-ups Alfred terrible at them

Rips open the blinds and is like You were fighting crime again Oh that one was alright How much are of us for gentle wake-ups? There's too many people He might just like ring a pan Oh no Dino! Avengers have like a little There's too many people. He'd have to... Oh, he might just, like, ring a pan. Oh, no.

Dinner! No, Avengers have, like, a little, like, a car that activates whenever they're needed. A car? Or a card? Card. Oh, okay. Like a credit card kind of thing. Okay. What?

So it's kind of like a shape of a credit card. Like a push-to-the-pocket, whatever. It's got their little ID and everything. And it, like, beeps when they're needed. And, like, beeps and shit when they're needed. Nah, see, that's, their little ID and everything. And it like beeps when they need it. Nah, see that's like an annoying alarm. At least Alfred will sometimes gently wake you up with like a butler-y touch of the shoulder.

But that's only if they're needed for a mission. However, day to day life, if they're sleeping in Avengers Mansion, I think he'd be a pretty good... Is he expected to wake you up? I don't think he would. Because I think Alfred is expected to wake up. Oh, definitely. Bruce, but I think that's good butlering. I think you ought to. Yeah. Whereas I think that's good buttering. I think you ought to. Whereas I think

Jarvis would probably maybe wake you up if you requested it. So Steve Rogers is like Jarvis waking up at 5.30 in the morning every day. I need to go for a run. Whereas some of the others might be just like, nah, I'm chill. I feel like with Jarvis because Jarvis approves of them

being the Avengers. So he's like, they might need their rest. Where Alfred's like, wake the fuck up. Wakey, wakey, heads off, stanky. Piece of shit. Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey. Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey, but I made you a protein shake because you never appreciate me. And he just pours it on his head.

I mean, Bruce's stomach. There you go, Master Bruce. Enjoy your fucking protein. You've been Batman-ing again, Master Bruce. Haven There you go Master Bruce Enjoy your fucking protein You've been Batman-ing again Master Bruce That's for you Yeah but you

I don't know I fucking hate it Master Bruce That was good Eat your breakfast And you're doing a face And I love it That's good

It's a good time The only way I can do it Is when I do that face Because that's how I did the voice I pretended to open up The curtain And then I tilted my head back

And I was like I'm Alfred now that's how you become crossed over so uh yeah jarvis wins that one and jarvis wins overall but i like alfred because he's got attitude yeah like if somebody gave me the choice i'd be like yeah alfred's a sassy he's a sass queen but all right all right all right so best butler yes was jarvis but in a fist fight oh alfred al wins. Alfred, for sure. Alfred has a wiry fuck. He'd just be like, he'd be Roxbury rules,

smacking him one in the face. All tummy boxy style. Fugilism. I'll smack you in the goddamn jaw. Jarvis is just a guy. Jarvis is fucked. Jarvis tried some bullshit like conflict resolution of like, no, I think

we need to talk about it and he gets smacked in the nose got your one pop pop again plus is it just me or is it too easy to imagine Alfred

having a roll of pennies in his hand oh easy fucking easy you know why they call me Pennyworth smack smack I was gonna be like

why can I imagine Alfred being the penny pincher but then I remembered Pennyworth is his last name there's the association. There's your origin story that you needed a couple of weeks ago. That's very true.

You're Alfred. Surprise. And on these many fights and notes, we have reached the end of our Versus episode. Hey! I hope that we covered all of your favorites. I feel like we definitely did and answered a lot of questions that you had.

If you disagree, if you think maybe we didn't, please. Let us know. See what other people you want us to have a fight or a competition on. Tweet us with your suggestions for fights. We will respond. Tweet us at Sandspans Radio or tweet us

individually. Just go to Sandspans Radio and find we are always one of us. You guys are smart um and yeah beautiful thanks to Robert Greely for uh suggesting this episode and then donating on patreon so

we had to do it uh we appreciated it yeah hey this was fun if you guys have any suggestions email us or donate on patreon and then we have to do it uh-huh how good and on that note

I've been Joel I've been Jackson and I've been Joel hey what what about a fight between the three of us? Me. Good one. You're fucked! Well, I know what we can say is that Jackson will lose. Yeah, I was going to say, I know I'm losing

regardless. Have you ever seen a man being beaten to death with his own legs, Jackson? Because you're about to see it. No, I'm not, because I can't see for the legs. Do you sure? Joel, team up? Yeah, you're fucked. You're fucked.