Plumbing the Death Star - Why Haven't We Done a Vs Episode LIVE?!

Episode Date: March 20, 2016

In which our heroes climb onstage, shield their eyes against the lights, take a sip of their water and ask why haven't we done a versus episode live? We decide whether or not it's fair to play soccer against a cripple, learn about chess-boxing, and settle the coke-pepsi debate once and for all. Zoe takes issue with Batman calling himself Batman, Zammit wonders who a planet is trying to impress, Jackson absolutely destroys some mummies, and Duscher just wants to be the best weekend dad he can be. So gather round, place your bets, and listen in as the versus matches stop being about punch ons and start being about fatherhood.Want to help us do more live shows? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you might be seeing our handsome faces very soon. Hankering for some sweet geeky loot every month? Do us a favour and go to http://www.geekfuel.com/sanspants and sign up to receive your (possible) Sean Penn today! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

San Spence Radio. I went to the moped store and I said fuck it and then I went home because you don't say fuck it if you're gonna buy a moped. Today's episode is sponsored by Peter C. Simpson, Lucky Lacky Coxon, Berwyn Stone, Cian... Cian? Cian? Cian? Cian? Cian? Cronin? Gabriel Fitzgerald, Christian, Sean, and Wheat Weedington Guys don't wait for the perfect moment just take the moment and

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Good. That was really enthusiastic, guys. Very enthusiastic. All right, now let's get this show on the road while I press dials and hope for the best. Good. Hi, everybody. Thank you for coming down.

Welcome to our third Sandspans Live. There it is. Thank you. There it is. Thank you. There we go. So before we start, a few people emailed us over the last few weeks. So just some shout outs. So shout out to Chris Carpenter from Alex Carpenter. Made with their brothers, cousins.

I don't know. I'm assuming maybe married lovers. If you're here, hi. If not, they didn't turn up. Well done, Alex and Chris. A shout out to Alana Holder, who's cooped up in bed with a slipped disc, so I'm assuming isn't here today, if not, good work. A little message from Claire Andrews to her husband, Alan McNaught, that you're the Grayson to her Ainsley, which is very sweet. And for those of you who don't listen to D&D for Nerds,

it's very confusing. Ah, okay, I'll do some now too. Shout out to Jared Scott. Shout out to the TC Rowing Lads. Sick. What does TC mean? Like, it's probably... Totally cool. Charles Charlington, which... that's not i don't think that's his real name that can't be a real uh he just has a list of names next to

it so i'm assuming it's a shout out darcy sheehan seamus laurie and bradley james sick ethan benson happy birthday question mark um birthday was yesterday was yesterday, so I don't know, is the proper thing big? Happy birthday, mate! Or like, I'm sorry I missed your birthday, mate. You have to read it with the question mark. Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Lewis Godwin, shout out to Cason Davey and

Evan Hawksworth. As well as another shout out to David Bird, who I think runs the Sandspan's Quotes on Twitter. So if you're on Twitter, follow that guy. It's funny stuff sometimes. Luke Herbert wants us to do British accents. Hello.

Hello, Governor. It's not very morning to you. Apple and pears. That was like Cockney versus Michael Caine. Yeah, it was. As big as his tangerine. She was only 19. There you go.

There you go. If you've not heard us do British accents like enough already surely you're done. Sam Taylor a little shout out to his little brother

Ruben. Don't tell his dad that he introduced him to oopsie daisies. Never mind. Moving on. Jonathan Ballard you're a sick lad.

Well done. And finally, Finnegan, you're a giant nerd and Tui loves you. So that's very sweet. And of course, if you want anything to contribute to the discussion while we're going on, just tweet

at us, SansPantsRadio. Just do hashtag SansPantsLive, and we'll be seeing that. Now, onwards to the show. Woo! Yeah! There we go. Hey, everyone, and welcome to a very special live episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like,

why haven't we done a Versus episode live before? Good question. I'm going to put forward, because it's coming out soon, and I don't want to see it, but we're going to have to. Batman v Superman. So really, in a fight of batman v superman superman puts batman in the sun well no because superman is superman and i think he wouldn't do that that's what makes him so super superman unmasks batman and then arrests him for all the bad stuff that superman does not have he can't arrest people superman is not the police. He could do a citizen arrest, but he's an alien.

He's got citizenship. Does he? Does he have a birth certificate? How would he get a paycheck with that one? He has an illegal birth certificate because Ma and Pa can't probably forge all of that shit. How did they know how to forge it?

How does he have a social security? He has a job. Well, we're not arresting Superman Batman with the fighting yeah yeah I guess a punch on a punch on in a Macca's car park between Supes and bats uh-huh well Superman just crushes Batman head right right grabs it with one meaty fist and squishes it like an orange well correct but you know Superman doesn't want to kill so then we hit a stalemate you do and I think a better competition is not a fight but who's a better orphan good of Batman and Superman which is the superior orphan

okay okay okay orphan rules What makes a good orphan? No parents. Okay, they both... Actually, that just makes an orphan, not a good one. So, okay, Superman, well, he lost his parents. Actually, Superman wins that one. Superman has no planet. Yeah.

So, like, he kind of wins that. Batman whines a lot, though. And sorry his parents die. Yeah, I suppose. That's tragic orphan-ish bonus points. Superman only found out that his parents were dead after the fact. He was a baby. Batman saw his parents

die. He was like 10. So he had a relationship with his parents but Superman was a baby and you could be like, your parents died but you had these other parents your entire life and you'd be like I'm sad but I still had good parents. It's kind of like if you were adopted and you didn't know your birth parents and then they're like oh your birth parents

are dead you'd be like oh that's fine I guess that's what you're saying That's not even like I like that situation it is that situation Well I guess because Superman finds out that he's adopted when he's roughly 18 when he's like I can fly why is that Darth?

Is that a Kent thing? Well let's come to the barn where we found you in this pod. So I guess they both kind of win on the dead parents thing. No, Superman's clearly superior. He lost a whole planet. But he's got adoptive parents.

My and Mark Kent are lovely. What does Bruce get? Alfred. Alfred's good. He's a butler Alfred is such a good dad What are you shitting on Alfred? I'm just saying He's not exactly a good father material

He's a good butler He's probably a better dad than a butler To be honest Well actually Would he be a better dad than Thomas Wayne was? Probably Yeah Thomas Wayne seems like a lazy doctor Either way Batman was just like a lazy doctor. Either way,

Batman was going to be raised by a nanny or Alfred. Someone else was going to be taking care of him. He was an orphan regardless of whether his parents died. That's a good point. Wait, what? Hang on, hang on, hang on. Batman was an orphan regardless of whether his

parents died. No, because his parents... If Batman's parents had survived, still an orphan. That's just Batman. In spirit, he would have been an orphan. Like a metaphorical orphan. Yeah, because his parents weren't going to be around much and his parents weren't going to care much. So regardless of whether they died or not...

I don't think we call that orphanage. We call that neglect. That's neglect. Either way. I hear Batman be like, Mum and Dad, I know you're here, but just in my heart, I feel like you're dead?

That is something that 15-year-old Bruce Wayne would say. Yeah, that's true. Uh-huh, you're cut off from the will. Ah, balls. Oh, that's good Wayne money. He used that to build monorails and shit. That's good money. So, who are we giving it to? You know, Batman, he wins. He complains more.

No, but that's not a... Orphans complain, I think. Not little Orphan Annie. She's... Orphan Annie takes it like a champ. Yeah. Does she sing? Yeah. All right, in a singing competition,

who's going to win? Of Batman and Superman? Or Bruce? Oh, so it's a little Orphan Annie competition. Batman's voice is like... Yeah, exactly. Bet your bottom dollar. So it's a little off an anime competition Batman's voice is like Do you want to come out? Yeah, exactly Bet your bottom dollar

Superman has quite a good voice He's got quite a strong, powerful voice You can tell He's got that handsome singing face He's going to look good singing He'd just be doing death metal though Why? Superman

No, Batman Batman's going to look ridiculous Superman does like Choir Musical theatre Superman would be a cloner Superman will sing though. Why? Superman? No, Batman. Yeah, no, Batman's gonna look ridiculous. Superman does like, choir. No, Superman would be a cloner. Superman will sing Sandlot. Oh, like he's Michael Bublé. Yes. I'm glad that we both went for that. Yeah, no, that's good. Yeah, no, good.

So I guess it depends on preference. If you prefer metal. Well, for Annie, probably not metal. I don't want to see like a little nine-year-old orphan singing death metal. I think that'd be good. They have a death metal band that's a parrot. Why not have one that's a kid? That's true.

I'm going to give it to... There is a death metal band that is... They've got a parrot. It's not just a parrot. They have a band. The band is the band, but there's a parrot that they sample the vocals from. There's a parrot about.

Yeah, that's good. Yeah. It's amazing. Open your mind, Zoe. No, sorry, because you started that it was just a parrot fan. No, it's Superman. Yeah, I think Superman wins.

Superman wins? All right, that's one for Superman. All right, next comp. Who we got? All right, so another common one we got requested was Katniss versus Hawkeye. They're both useless, so... Useless off? Useless off.

Who is the least useful? Katniss, she's all right. She's starting the revolution. She starts that whole revolution? She starts a revolution that she doesn't want to start. So she's that useless. She starts a revolution. Even if she doesn't want to,

she's so useless that she starts a revolution. Yeah, that's a good point. She's useless enough that you can use her as a figurehead. I guess she's useful for the rebellion, though. What's Hawkeye good for? But her own personal self-worth, I think, should be low. Yeah. If it's not, it should be. She uses a bow. Peter uses

goddamn big rocks. You notice that? When they're like, oh, choose a weapon. And she's like, oh, a bow. And he's like, big, heavy things. For some reason, I'm just bloody good at throwing. And that'll be my weapon in the long run. Yeah, because even when he goes into the thing to get back as he's like, I'm going to throw a thing.

No! Pick a weapon! Peter, that's not a weapon. If I'm sitting there being like, I'm going to back someone that I think is going to survive. A dude walks in, he looks at the weapon rack and then looks at a rock on the floor and picks the rock. I'm like, oh, District 12. Shouldn't have expected more.

Look at all these shiny weapons. We've got axes, we've got a cutlass, we've got a gun if you want. Big rocks. Nah, rock is good. I'm gonna put makeup and throw rocks. I like his optimism though. That's true. He's like, I can win the Hunger Games

with big rocks. Big rocks, makeup, I got this. I believe. And the reason he knows he's good at throwing rocks is because he used to throw bags of flour at a bakery. That's the worst reason to do anything. But a bag of flour doesn't equal a rock. No, it doesn't. A bag of flour has got some give.

Not even a rock that he finds in the armory, though. It's like a weird big heavy something with handles. Oh, isn't it like a hammer throw hammer thing? No, it's not even that clear. I don't know what it is. Anyway, it's not about him. It's not about Peter and his useless heavy rocks situation.

It's about Katniss v. Hawkeye. So Hawkeye, I would argue, very useless. Does nothing. He brings a bow and arrow to a god fight. That's never a smart option. Just stay home, Hawkeye. Katniss at least does win some Hunger Games. Put Hawkeye in the Hunger Games.

Accidentally, though. She kills like one person. She does the whole thing where she shoots the arrow up at the sky. But then she doesn't know what's going to happen and then she's real sad about it. Yeah. At least Hawkeye's chipper. Yeah. Hawkeye takes it on the chin. Hawkeye's like a man died for me and I'm not even sad about it.

That's true. Quick silver. That's a shame. Hawkeye maybe too chipper. On with my day. Back to my wife. Yeah. Hawkeye has a two chip-ups. On with my day. Back to my wife. Yeah, Hawkeye has a whole family. Good. Stable. That's useful for Rick Rebels. Well, he's useful for the family because he's the dad. But he's never

there. Katniss is a mum. Spoilers, I guess. Is a mum or has a mum? Is a mum. When does she become a mum? At the end. Jesus, guys. I haven't watched any of those movies. I haven't seen any of them. I saw the first three. So would Hawkeye's kids look at Hawkeye and be like

you've made me an orphan, Zoe? Yes. Did Hawkeye orphan his kids? No, because he's there. Just when he's not with the Avengers, he's there all the time. Is he? Yes! But there's so much building that hasn't been completed. Hawkeye, if he is home, he's lazy. He gets all that time. Is he? Yes! But there's so much building that hasn't been completed.

Hawkeye, if he is home, is lazy. Yeah. He gets all that shit. He's useless! Useless! I forgot that's what we were arguing. Yes! Damn it. So you put Hawkeye, though, in the Hunger Games,

does he come out on top? Yeah. Hawkeye wins the Hunger Games easily. Yeah, but if it's Hawkeye versus Katniss in the Hunger Games, who cares? That's not interesting. Was this an Archer off? Nah, next.

Hawkeye has more... He can do different things with his bow, which is nice. And Katniss just has one bow. Some explode, some are poison, some are magnets. Doesn't Katniss have something... I think she just has a basic bow. I don't think any of us know the movies well enough. With a boxing glove on it.

What? Yeah. Katniss. No. You're thinking of Looney Tunes. Green Arrow. I may be thinking of the Green Arrow. Anyway, most useless?

Katniss. Hawkeye. Hawkeye. Hawkeye. Unanimous. Sorry, Hawkeye. By default, Hawkeye, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, all right. What else we got? What else we got? Let's go. Come on, come on. Keep them coming. All right. So there's been a lot of talk with Guardians of the Galaxy 2

being announced recently. Everyone's like, yeah, sick. Wonder who's going to be in it. There was a weird rumor that Ego the Living Planet was going to be in it. Yeah. For anyone who doesn't know, Ego the Living Planet is a character in the Marvel Universe that is literally

what the name suggests. A planet that is alive. He has a face and a goatee. It's pretty rad. Somehow a planet grew facial alive. He has a face and a goatee. It's pretty rad. Somehow a planet grew facial hair. That's good. I like that that's the thing that amazes you the most, Jackson. He's got a beard!

He has to trim it! Where are his hair follicles? Exactly. Let's talk about it for a second because a planet that's alive I can cope with. A planet that's alive and has hair is ridiculous. Is he a mammal? Not just hair, but he's vain enough to shape it so he has like a goatee.

He doesn't have hands! No! Who's he getting to trim that beard and who is that for? I was just imagining some dude with a ride on a lawnmower. It would take him such a long time. That's his ear long. Several dudes with a ride on a lawnmower.

It's in space, so it's never like you know There's no up or down really So if you look at it from a certain perspective His beard is just like going up into the heavens He should have let his beard grow No how cool is this? Shut up Let his beard grow

And then it gets caught in the gravitational pull of the planet And makes a beard ring You would do that if you were a planet And everyone would hate your planet That would be amazing Jackson the living planet sucks. I would eat other planets. I don't want to go there.

There's giant lice. Good transition, because I've always thought, so Ego, the living planet, a planet. Yep, with a mouth. Yeah, with a mouth, which is important,

because Superman is a man that can survive in space. He can survive being eaten by a planet. Who would win? Ego, the living planet, or Superman, Jackson? Does Superman have, I mean, no, does Superman have a the Living Planet or Superman, Jackson? Does Superman have a stomach? Does Ego the Living Planet have a stomach?

Or just a lava core? He's got a mouth. Even if it's a lava core, Superman would probably survive a lava core. See, Superman doesn't live. No, I don't think he does survive a lava core. So, okay, look. If Ego swallows Superman, he's shut off from Earth's yellow sun. So he's got no powers. Okay. So he's just off from Earth's yellow sun so he's got no powers

so he's just gonna die that's all I need to know right even if Superman does have his powers

all he'd go to the living planet is to keep his mouth shut true but Superman could dig out terrifying

just dig through the back of his just speak any direction and dig fly straight through I think that because ego's evil so he's a Terrifying. Just dig through the back of his head. Just pick any direction and dig. Fly straight through. I think that, because ego's evil.

So he's a mean planet. He's a mean boy with like... Why? What turns a planet evil? Greed, lust, I don't know, money. What happens to a planet to make him decide? The goatee doesn't make you evil. He was a planet and then

the scientists in that solar system were like, no, you're not really a planet, you're more of the war planet. If Pluto had a face and we were like, Pluto, you're out, and Pluto was like, I'm going to kill all the humans. Vengeance! All the scientists being like, this is real weird,

but Pluto's just on a collision course. And he's got a scowl and maybe a beard. Like the shitty 14-year-old stubble. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just started growing it. It's gross. No one wants to make out with him. Pluto's going to smash into us because we called him out. We talk shit about Pluto

and he's seeking revenge. Talk shit, get hit. Exactly. Oh, no. That's a scary moral code. It is. So I guess Superman loses to Ego Living Planet? The planet wins.

I'm happy with this outcome. Good. What about Ego Living Planet versus Galactus, who is known to eat planets? Then it's a... This is an eat-off. Galactus, wait.

Are they eating each other? They're going to try, I guess. No, no. They're eating other planets because I'm guessing Ego would feast on smaller planets. So it's like an all-you-can-eat planet buffet. Does Ego need to eat, though? I're eating other planets. Because I'm guessing Ego would feast on smaller planets, yes? So it's like an all-you-can-eat planet buffer, yes. Does Ego need to eat, though?

I would assume, yeah. He's got a face. Why would he not need to eat? But he doesn't have a throat or a stomach. But yeah, he's not hungry. Do you know that for sure? No. Maybe that's why he's so cranky.

Somebody needs to feed Ego the living planet. Yeah. If you've got an angry planet in your solar system, feed him. Doesn't Ego have an also evil brother? Or another evil brother? So they had a parent. Or is it Id? It could be one of those sister

situations. Like a sister planet situation. So they're not technically brothers. Did a planet give birth to a planet? situation. Oh, okay, so they're not technically brothers. Because I was like, did somebody give birth to a planet? I could be wrong, but That's not how planets start at all.

My ego knowledge is not that high. I'm pretty sure he started in a glass jar that the Beyonder had, or the Collector had. No, no. I don't want any part of this. Sorry, yeah.

Move on. Superman loses. Superman loses. Super Actors also loses. That's one for the egoplanic. Yeah. Egoplanic, sure. Do we want to go with...

Okay, so in a game of ping pong. Okay. In a game of good start. So Doc Ock, he is a man with many arms and can therefore hold many a paddle. Correct. His opponent, Mr. Fantastic, can stretch very far. Are we allowing cheating?

Of course. Because neither would be above that. No, no, no, they're both terrible. Their moral code is bad for both of them. I feel like with Mr. Fantastic, he'd be like, I won gold in this thing. I'd be like, did you shrink the. I feel like with Mr. Fantastic, he'd be like, I won gold in this thing. I'd be like, did you shrink the other competitors and put them in a jar?

He'd be like, yes. He's like, that doesn't really count as winning. He's like, I'm a scientist. That sounds more like you just cheated and stole the medal. No, no, I'm a hero. Default, default. Yeah, I did. What are you going to do about it?

A triple Olympic medalist. Take that. I'm just imagining him standing on all podiums. Because he could spread himself across. That's so good. Can Dr. Fantastic spread himself so he's around the whole edge of the ping pong table?

So there's no way that... There is no way out. That in turn doesn't make him a better ping pong player. It just means he's blocking shots. He still needs to respond to those shots. If he goes the whole way around, the ball just hits him and then falls to the ground. Yeah.

No, no, no. I'm assuming he's up against the... Like how my stomach is up against the table. Yeah, but he can be up against it, but even if the ping pong ball hits him, it doesn't necessarily mean that that ping pong ball will bounce back in a legal way. No.

I guess it means Doc Ock needs to lob it a little bit. Yeah. And I feel like Doc Ock is a real stickler for rules. I know we said they both cheat, but I feel like Doc Ock's going to get real frustrated and hit Mr. Fantastic. Just throw a paddle at him. He's going to spaz out and go crazy.

The more I think about it, I think Doc Ock has more of a moral code than Dr. Fantastic when it comes to some sort of game-based system. I feel like the biggest struggle is the fact that Dr. Octopus probably has better things to do sort of game-based system. I feel like the biggest struggle is the fact that Dr Octopus probably has better things to do with his time than play ping-pong. I doubt it.

I feel like he's sitting there practicing day in, day out to get ready for this match of the century. Ben Grimm, the thing, is knocking on the door like, hey, yo, Reed, can I... Are you going to cure me of this rocky facade here going on? Like, I hate it.

Know the thing! I'm practicing! I've got better things to do. I have to beat Dr. Octopus at ping pong! We have 50 bucks riding on this! Yeah, I guess that's important. But, counter, I mean, Dr. Octopus looks like he's in the worst shape. He's pretty poor. Like, Dr. Octopus looks real unfit

and might get really red and sweaty and just sit down. Good, I'm into it. What, I love a fatty doing things. A red, hot, sweaty fatty? Like, that's a good time? You see Dr. Octopus and Dr. Fantastic having a ping pong match

and Doc Ock is like, oh, oh, that is great. That is it for me. That is the ideal man. I'm going to go pour Gatorade on him. And then lick it off. Sticky. Sweat and Gatorade.

It's already salty. Your taste in men frightens me. Sure does. Speaking of sports, we just got a tweet suggestion. So, hey, we actually are reading the Sandspan Slive. It's happening. You doubted us, but we'll let this go. Just asked who would win in a soccer match

multiple man versus Charles Xavier. Well, Charles Xavier could just be like a boop boop boop. Multiple man, dive in the river. Multiple man, jump, just lie down.

Don't stop this. Just kick it behind you. Good. Multiple man, don't play soccer. Drive me to the shops. Charlie boy is hungry. Got one of the protein shakes.

I need one. But multiple man can probably pop out of himself and leave one mind controlled and head off. If multiple man spreads himself very, as in like boops himself a lot. So he's got like a hundred of them or whatever. Wait, he boops? Well, I mean, there's two different types of booping.

As in like he multiplies himself like a lot. Xavier's going to find it real hard to control every single one of them. So it could just end up being like a multiple man V multiple man V multiple man match whilst Charles Xavier watches from the sidelines. Goes to the shops with a blood nose.

I feel like Charles Xavier is going to be like well I've got most of them and then one multiple man that he missed just punches him. That's a red card Jackson. Red card. Multiple man might not have been even playing So it doesn't count If he's not in the team

Yeah, that's true Soccer team's like, what, six people? Charles Xavier is one crippled man What if none can use power So it's a one-on-one Well then multiple men Because Chelsea Wait, what's the pitch like?

No, let's put No, it's paraplegic soccer so we put multiple man in a wheelchair. Yes good. He doesn't know how to operate that. I'm giving it to Charlie.

Multiple man spins around no we swap it. Multiple man's in a wheelchair Charles Xavier's lying on the ground. No one wins. Bessie wins everyone's sad.

It's a sad time for everybody involved. Game starts audience cheers and then Sully just stops cheering and everyone's like is someone going to help that poor man? No don't leave him. Everyone's sad It's a sad time For everybody involved Game starts Audience cheers And then Sully Just stops cheering And everyone's like Is someone gonna help

That poor man No no Leave him No no no They decided this beforehand It's fine Multiple men's like Looking around the stadium

Just like I don't know what to do I don't wanna play Cause I know I'll win But it won't be a fair win Are all the X-Men Watching this I imagined yes

That's gonna be a sad time I like just the idea That Wolverine's the only person laughing. This is great. Why is no one else laughing? Wolverine, no. So, Charles? If he boop boop boops quick enough, yeah.

But if he's too slow, he gets punched in the back of the head and lies in the mud. No. All right. Give it to Charlie. Yeah, give it to Charlie boy. Charlie. What about...

Come on, shoot him at us. Derek Zoolander from Zoolander. Versus a land of zoos. I'll clarify. How many animals can Ben still a fight? That's just one zoo. What animals?

Lots of zoo animals. Come on, Zoe. Listen to the question. Because the zoo animals, there's many animals in a zoo. We know. Derek Zoolander versus some meerkats. Yeah.

He wins. How many meerkats? What do you call it when he's like... Like a round rumble. Royal rumble? No, like... A round rumble. A round rumble.

You know when you like... A red rumble. You go to the next one, and you defeat them, you go to the next one. That's a red rumble. Royal rumble? No, like... A round rumble. A round rumble. You know when you, like, you've defeated one... A red rumble. You go to the next one, and you defeat them, you go to the next one. That's a red rumble. That... What? Oh, I hate you all. Red rumble.

Red rumble? Round. I know he's... Round robin. Sure, that. Not a red fucking rumble. I thought... Is there anything rumble?

Rumble in the jungle. That's what I'm thinking of. Thriller in Manila. Rumble in the Bronx? Maybe. Royal rumble. Yeah, there you go. That's what I'm thinking of. Thriller in Manila. Rumble in the Bronx? Maybe. Royal rumble. Yeah, there you go. Red Robin.

Red Robin. Thank you. Round Robin. Round Robin. God damn it, Jackson. No, because it's just not like Derek Zoolander versus a bunch of meerkats. Yeah. He wins.

Yeah, but how... How many meerkats? Yeah. How many are in a zoo? Like 30? It's not 1v1 because he's just going to the enclosure and punching them. Yeah, but he versus 30 meerkats, he still wins because they're small. But he's going to tire himself out and then he's just going To the enclosure And punching them Yeah but him Versus 30 me cats He still wins I know

But he's going to Tie himself out And then he's going to Go and strangle the flamingos So it's like It's like an endurance round Yeah Oh okay

So he's going Let's start with the big animals No You want to start With the small ones Because you'll be tired What are you Like a big animal

Is like a giraffe Think about it Like video game ranking So you'd start With the small stuff And you'd go to the big stuff. And you can't heal in between because this is real life. Can a human being fight a giraffe? I guess so.

Does he get tools? No. Come on. So no tools. No tools. So just his bare hands. The Zooland wins. He can use his fashion skills.

The face? Can he blue steal them? He can blue steal them, then maybe skin them and make a coat. Okay. Well, I mean, here's the... To fight a giraffe, you climb it, surely, and just punch it in the head.

I feel like the giraffe... Hansel can help. Okay, so it's a tag team. You know when a giraffe fights another giraffe and they just swing their neck around like crazy? That's really funny to imagine somebody on top trying to punch the giraffe. The giraffe's just slamming his head into the ground trying to get you. Hansel picks up Derek and starts swinging him at the giraffe's neck.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. Use your face as a weapon. I like it. Yeah. I feel like still the giraffe... The problem here is that giraffes aren't like natural fighters. Made to fight? Yeah, exactly.

Neither's been Stiller. Okay, no fair call. That's fair. All right, but what about on the catwalk? Like Derek Zoolander versus a... Giraffes have real long, sexy legs. I was going to say a puma. A literal cat wins catwalk.

Yeah, yeah, that's true. Is it dressed in fashion? Of course. Well... No, have you ever seen like put clothes on a cat? They hate it. Yeah, that's going to be the puma being like, yeah, that's true Is it dressed in fashion? Of course Have you ever seen put clothes on a cat? They hate it Yeah, that's going to be the puma being like Jesus Christ Get it off me

Running around in circles I feel like again we've done a crime We pushed Charles in the mud Now we're making an animal do fashion I love it, This is beautiful. I feel this is wrong. Are we arrested? Anyway, I feel like Ben Stiller beat 43 animals.

Yeah, I feel like that's fair. And the 44th will kill him. And that's sad, but that's the rules. I feel like he'd just go through the reptile enclosure like that. All the small mammals like that. But when it comes to anything bigger than a manatee. Like a warthog? Yeah.

Ben Stiller, I mean, not Ben Stiller, Derek Zoolander. Ben Stiller could fight a warthog. Derek Zoolander gets killed by a warthog. I think that's fair to say in this scenario here. All right, then. Fair enough. All right. Teen Wolf.

Good. Michael J. Fox Teen Wolf. Damn it! Yes! He's the good Teen Wolf. No, he's not. Yeah, he is, because he's the best in this situation. Teen Wolf. No, he's not. Yeah, he is, because, well, he's the best in this situation. He is the best Teen Wolf.

Okay. Versus Scotty Pippen, but from NBA Jam, Scotty Pippen. So if he gets three shots in a row, basketball goes on fire. Teen Wolf is magically good at basketball. Yeah. Like, he gets werewolf basketball powers. Correct. So, like, winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Come on. Yeah, but a flaming basketball and you know what? Wolves aren't immune to fire. And I'm pretty sure it's one of the natural fears of a werewolf is fire. Where are you getting your werewolf lore? The internet. My mind? Lying mostly. Lying.

A werewolf is not happy about fire one way or the other. I don't think a werewolf loves fire. I've never seen a werewolf hunch over a fire and be like. If Michael J. Fox is Teen Wolf... In real life? Yeah. Or in film. Actually, in The Wolfman, don't they chase him with torches?

Classic. If you're a Frankenstein, a Wolfman, or a Dracula, you're scared of fire. Or a mummy. Or the mummy, you're scared of fire. Very flammable. They're just paper. No, they're cloth and bandage and bone and dust. Dust, not flammable. They're just paper. Yeah. No, they're cloth and bandage and bone and dust. Dust, not flammable.

Did you just think mummies were wrapped in toilet paper? A little bit. Or just even basic paper. It hurts me. Also a little bit. Your brain. Is a mummy flammable? Like, if I snuck into a museum and just, like, got out a lighter

and just set a mummy on fire. You'll need some kind of, like, fluid. No, but see, then I feel like I'm cheating lighting this mummy on fire. First off, no one's going to be happy with you. I would be. But you could burn them. What about their curses? Well, I feel like...

If your defense was I'm burning this mummy to rid the world of the curse, I feel you've got a good defense. All right, forget about the question we just asked. How many mummies can Jackson burn? Yeah, all right. Come on. Jackson V a mummy. No, seven.

No, yeah, a mummy. Seven? Seven mummies. Zero mummies can Jackson burn? Yeah, alright, come on Jackson V a mummy No, yeah, a mummy Seven? Seven mummies Zero mummies I reckon one before everyone tackles you Not even, he's still struggling with the lighter Before someone tackles him He and my mummy is very, very flammable

They're dry They're very dry It depends if they're embalmed or not Because if they're embalmed Can I have a can of deodorant and a lighter? Yes Then I'm lighting several mummies on fire Then I'm going mummy crazy

You're probably also sending security guards on fire You're going to jail for murder So no matter who wins, you lose Even if I win, I lose Plus I've robbed the world of history But then again, we used to eat mummies, I mean, we used to eat mummies So it's fine We used to eat mummies

Back in like 1910s, it was kind of like You know what we should do? We're just going to snack on some delicious mummy They were like excavating them And we're like, what do we want to do with these? They look like jerky Yeah, they just crushed them up and ate them Why? I don't know, history's great How much meat is left on a mummy?

Not much, it's all mostly jerky. But I thought it was just dust and bandages. Yeah, I guess it was called dust and bandages. No, but then what are they eating? Did we also make paint out of them? Yes, we did. Mummy white, that was what it was called. That sounds like nonsense, but that's true. Look it up.

We used mummies to do wallpaper. I love that we found this ancient civilization. We found their dead bodies. What are we going to do? I'm hungry that we, all right, we found this ancient civilization, we found their dead bodies, what are we going to do? I'm hungry and I want to draw. There's a solution. I just love that

that means that at a certain point in history, we thought mummies were like, not a finite resource. We were like, you can build a business on mummies.

They're like, ah, there's always going to be mummies. Don't worry about the mummies. They're in the dirt, they're natural. They just pop up out of the ground.

Yeah, real easy to get. The actual best part about that is that there was a mummy crash at a certain point. Ah, the Great Depression of mummies. The mummy bubble popped. That's so funny. Somebody was like, oh, my fuck. We're running out of mummies. We just don't have enough.

Hike up the price. Hike up the price. 1910s Ryan Gosling was like, guys, there's a mummy bubble. No one knows. The big banks are lying to us. All right. How about this then, Jack? Rather than burning all the mummies, how about this?

How about this? How about this? Okay. Sasquatch. Like an actual Sasquatch. Yes. Versus. Yes.

Manthing. Yes. For your love. Oh, man. Well, Man-Thing doesn't know what's going on ever. No, he's fully empathetic. Does the Sasquatch... You have no emotions, so that's not great.

Sasquatch has a certain level of cognizance. I'm going to use the Sasquatch from Alpha Flight, but not the Walter Sasquatch, the Sasquatch they kidnapped from the Canadian wilderness. Can I have the Sasquatch from Alpha Flight, but not the Walter Sasquatch. The Sasquatch they kidnapped from the Canadian wilderness. Can I have the Sasquatch from Harry and the Hendersons? Yes. I'll put it on the table as well. Oh, that Sasquatch is full of love.

He just wants to be loved. The Harry and the Hendersons Sasquatch just desires love. And if I can feed him fillet of fish, hamburgers, or whatever he ate in the movie, and just outdo John Lithgow as a dad, then wait, this wasn't me competing for their love, was it? I feel you might have just

broken Man-Thing's heart. So you're going to be like, Man-Thing, Sasquatch from Harry the Henderson, here's my rose. I love you the most. Here's the, like, look. But then wouldn't Man-Thing be like, there's a lot of love in the room,

and you just get all cuddly? Man-Thing would just be real happy. But here's the problem. So when you're scared of Man-Thing, he grabs your face and burns you. Right? That's just Man-Thing's jam. That's just how he gets by.

Whatever feels pure... That is the hassle of a Man-Thing. Burns at the Man-Thing's touch. Yes, they do. But... So, like, even if I love Man-Thing as much as I do, living with him, and being, like, you know,

common-law married to Man-Thing, every time he, do, living with him and being like, you know, common law married to Man-Thing, every time he like shocks me or like, you know, I'm having a shower and he's like, hey, I get scared. He gets scared, burns my face. You couldn't do a day-to-day. You couldn't do a day-to-day with Man-Thing. Yeah, exactly. Whereas Sasquatch, certainly Harry and the Henderson Sasquatch,

that's a happy marriage. That's true. Am I marrying them or did I just assume that? Are you asking them? You said that and I just didn't even think. Yeah, no, he's marrying the Sasquatch. I don't think it's legal for a man to marry a Sasquatch.

Can you marry a Sasquatch? Shave the Sasquatch, say it's another man. Like a poster boy for the Republican Party. Like, see? Slippery Sasquatch. It happened. We told you. We said it would happen and this man married a Sasquatch. It's not related. I love him. I love this Sasquatch so much.

They're like, you know, he's basically an animal. And then I'm in jail again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. So I don't know who won that. Me? Again, you win, but you lose. Yeah, that seems to be a trend. That's all right. All right, so another suggestion from the audience.

Coke v. Pepsi for deliciousness. Pepsi tastes better. Coke tastes like poison. Cherry Coke tastes like a good poison. You're like, this tastes like poison, but I like it. It does. Cherry Coke is a good poison. So does Dr. Pepper. Dr. Pepper wins.

Also Coke Zero and Pepsi Max are sick. Mostly Coke Zero. Here's the thing about Pepsi and Coke, right? These are just facts that I know. Coke sucks, drink Pepsi? What? What? What?

What were you going to say? I was going to say Coke, just in its design, is designed to be drink hot and like hot or cold. What? Hot Coke. Well, not like hot Coke. It's not like you don't boil it, but it's drinkable at lukewarm temperatures. No coke It's not like you don't boil it But it's like

It's drinkable at lukewarm temperatures No it's not It tastes bad It is No it's designed that you can drink it Either at lukewarm or cold While Pepsi is only designed to be Drink at cold

Who's drinking any soft drink at lukewarm? Well just like you know When it's just like You don't have time It's been in the cupboard And you're like fuck it I just want it Oh wait So you're just making up a stack.

So, like, oh, what was that? Surprise! Oh, it's a balloon. It's fine. We're good. Well, Pepsi is only designed to be drank cold. So to get it to taste good when it's lukewarm, they have to put a shit ton more sugar in.

Okay, okay. So Pepsi tastes better on the short term. What do you mean? Pepsi, when you put it in your mouth, just turns into bubbles. Like Pepsi, you take a sip. No, it's not. I want a liquid. If I want to just suck on bubbles, I'll suck on bubbles.

Pepsi, it does hurt more. No, Coke hurts more going down. Shut up. Don't trick me into agreeing with you. I wasn't drunk. I didn't say anything. Coke burns. Coke is like poison that burns your throat when you drink it.

Coke has more varieties, though. I think I just jumped ship. Crystal Pepsi. Pepsi Blue. That's not a thing anymore. Neither of those are things anymore. They were things. That's fine.

Did you know that Pepsi Blue tasted like mouthwash and Pepsi Red tasted like cinnamon? And they did poorly because, of course, they did. Pepsi Blue rules. I used to drink it in high school all the time. No, but you weren't drinking. That you weren't turned out like this healthy you were just drinking pepsi colored blue no pepsi blue pepsi blue the minty one yeah it's real sweet it's like gross there's pepsi i think it's pepsi cool blue anyway coke wins i guess. Gabe just tweeted from the audience.

Rude. Mad Max versus a T-Rex. Fuck you guys. First of all, Gabe, not nice. Second of all, Mad Max, cop it. No, T-Rex. Dinosaur. What?

No, you'll drive up it. Dinosaur. You'll drive up it. It'll be fine. Fuck, that car is tiny in comparison. In a game of chess, who's going to win? The dinosaur. T-Rex or Mad Max?

Neither is going to win because Mad Max probably doesn't remember how to play chess. And a T-Rex couldn't explain the rules of chess. Because it would just be like... And you'd be like, yeah, I don't know really why I'm doing. So I guess you forfeit, T-Rex? T-Rex knocks the board over, eats Mad Max. Problem solved. T-Rex wins. Thanks, Gabe. What if he got in his car and rammed T-Rex knocks the board over, eats Mad Max. Problem solved. T-Rex wins. Thanks, Gabe. What if he got in his car and rammed T-Rex in the leg?

What do you think's bigger, a T-Rex or a car? What do you think falls over easier, a T-Rex or a car? Yeah. What got extinct more, a T-Rex or a car? Game, set, match, car. What's easier to kill, a T-Rex or a car? A car. No, cars...

What? No, cars are probably easier to kill than a T-Rex. Let her run out of petrol, you're fine. What was the evil car? What do you mean? Christine? Yeah, Christine. Christine via T-Rex then.

I think Christine is magic. She lost to stairs, didn't she? Because that's kind of disappointing. The T-Rex still wins. T-Rex keep on doing this. Step on the car. I feel a T-Rex would lose to stairs, didn't she? Because that's kind of disappointing. T-Rex still wins. T-Rex keep on doing this. Step on the car. I feel a T-Rex would lose to stairs. There's no stairs in the wasteland.

With Christina there might be. How often... Christina. Christine. Christina the evil car. What about Christine the evil car versus Herbie the love bug? Yeah, that's right. In a wrestling match.

Sumo wrestling? Or like pin down? Pin down wrestling. Herbie's going to win. More agile. I'll just take that face value. Don't stress. We're getting a lot of suggestions now.

We can't do them all. We can try. Werewolf not. That's good. We're getting a lot of suggestions now. We can't do them all. Sorry, everybody. If you don't like that, a werewolf versus Wolf of Wall Street. That's good. Help. Well, okay. Well, a werewolf can eat a man.

In tax fraud. Well, then Wolf of Wall Street. A werewolf doesn't do his taxes. Werewolves are wily. They don't know how to do their taxes. They don't need to do taxes. You're making assumptions to do their taxes. They don't need to do taxes. You're making assumptions about werewolves. They don't need to do taxes.

Do they have a tax phone number? I'd like to point out that a werewolf is probably illegal, so therefore any taxes it gets would be fraud. I don't think werewolves are in the law. I don't think werewolves are illegal. I feel like if you're a werewolf, you need to be in jail. If I checked Australian law,

I doubt there's a little caveat where they're like, werewolf, get him out. Wait, is that you saying that Werewolves are exempt from taxes? No, I'd say that if a werewolf tried to file for taxes, he'd end up in jail. So that's not tax fraud, though. Jordan Belford wins, I guess.

I'm not happy about it. Well, the werewolf, because werewolves are tough and strong. But Wolf of Wall Street's super fucked up on drugs, so he wouldn't feel if he breaks his arm and just keeps going. well the werewolf because werewolves are tough and strong yeah no but but wolf of wall street is like super fucked up on drugs so he wouldn't feel if he like breaks his arm

and just keep going that's true he would yeah wolf of wall street would have been great if he was a werewolf but like the werewolf of wall street

but like not in like that's the main plot that's just something else he has to cope with in his like house of life yeah it would have been alright yeah

yeah that's why why aren't I making movies who knows speaking of a wolf of I want to have a bat off a bat off a bat off okay That would be a good... Yeah, it would have been alright. Yeah. Yeah, that's why aren't I making movies? Who knows? Speaking of a wolf-off, I want to have a bat-off. A bat-off? A bat-off. Okay. Alright, because he's...

Bat-off... Bat-off as in cricket bat? As in... Oh, I wish. The gentleman's game of cricket? The gentleman's game of cricket. Oh, I'm learning about cricket, guys, and I'm getting really good at it. So if anyone wants to talk cricket after the show, this little angel knows a minimal amount.

That's a lot. Bat-off, this little angel knows a minimal amount. Bat-off. Daredevil versus Batman. Okay. Because. For what? In a bat-off. In a bat-off. Alright. Why? Who's more like a bat? Who's more like a bat? Daredevil. Well, I mean, Daredevil. He has more bat

powers. Batman's faking it. Batman has no bat powers. That's trueaking it. Batman has no bat powers. That's true. So in a title for the moniker of Batman, Matt Murdock v. Bruce Wayne? Yes. I mean, let's actually talk about Batman.

What does Batman do that's like a bat other than having a bat outfit? Nothing. He's just a really big fan of bats. No, he should just be called fond of bats man. But he's not fond of bats. He hates bats. Yeah. Then why would you name it after? Like, I fucking watch Batman. No, he should just be called Fond of Batsman. But he's not fond of bats. He hates bats.

Yeah. Why would you name it after you? Like, I fucking watch Batman. Also, it's weird because I think Daredevil calls himself, like, after a heist, like, he was picked on, and people called him a daredevil as, like, a mean thing, which is a pretty rad kind of insult. No, no, no, you're Daredevil.

Yeah, right? So it seems kind of weird that they're both kind of similar names. This is a bad thing about me. That's my name now! Yeah, so I guess who is more like a bat? He has sonar. Batman has nothing. Batman flies. Does he? He glides.

Batman falls. He glides. With style. How much money do bats earn? Batman falls. He glides. With style. Yeah. How much money do bats earn? None. A zero percent annual. Okay, okay, okay. That's not how wages work. But I see you've been watching lots of bank commercials.

That's good. The devil has the sonar like the bat. Batman has equipment that has sonar, though. Yeah. That doesn't make him a bat. He makes him artificially a bat. No, but he's like, I really want to be Batman. Well, then he should be Mecha Batman.

That's alright. Daredevil is now Batman. Batman is now Mecha Batman. That's sorted. I feel like Daredevil is not very much like a devil either, really. If we're talking about it he's not doing any sick tricks on his skateboard exactly

I just meant like a Satan but no who's a better Daredevil? Daredevil or Satan himself the answer is in the question in the name Satan himself comes second is that when like

Matt Murdock is like almost gonna die And he's like okay rather than having to fiddle off He's like how about Who can jump the most flaming car Everybody get on these dirt bikes I would move away cause Matt Murdock Could not be able to see when he's driving a car Matt Murdock cannot ride a bike

It's sad No he could ride a bike cause he could still use his weird... Well, not weird. I don't know. Bat sonar. He could use his bat sonar, but if he's in a car, his sonar would just be into the windshield.

Yeah, that's true. He'd be like, I'm really good at directing myself whilst in this car, but only me. I know what you mean. Yeah. So dirt bikes.

Yeah. So if Matt Murdock had to daredevil off with Satan himself, they'd be on dirt bikes. Yeah, that's the only fair way I'm glad that got resolved Well, I guess you know what's fair putting How about Tim Allen's shaggy dog

Versus shaggy and his dog, Scooby Good What are they doing? Getting the dog off? A dog off? Scooby-Doo, sentient The shaggy Dog, more sentient. Can the Shaggy Dog talk?

I think he can just think. But he thinks as Tim Allen, and that's pretty good. Imagine thinking as Tim Allen! The tree! All the time. Tim Allen, it looks like he's sentient and aware, but if you could read his mind, it's just... All the time. That's all. Tim Allen, like, it looks like he's, like, sentient and aware, but if you could read his mind, it's just, ho, ho, ho, ho.

All the time. How he forms words is astounding. It's all miracles. Miracle of modern science. Doctors can't understand. Which is scary when you mention a dog, you're just thinking, ho, ho, ho, all the time. At least Scooby-Doo shows some level of sentience.

Like in a dog competition, you know, when they take all the dogs. Oh, theoby-Doo shows some level of sentience. Like in a dog competition, you know, when they take all the dogs. Oh, the show competition. Yeah, the dog show. Shaggy Dog versus Shaggy and his dog

in a dog show. Ah, Shaggy Dog wins that one. Scooby is not well trained. No, Scooby's like... Scooby eating sandwiches. Oh, wait, what if you offered

a sandwich to Scooby if he did really well? Maybe a Scooby snack. Not a sandwich. Well, he does like sandwiches too, that's fair. But he'd cheat because he's a lazy motherfucker.

Yeah, he's lazy. He would cheat because he's lazy. He would cheat. And so they're like, Scooby, you get a sandwich at the end and he's like,

alright, and just bypasses everything. Ruh-roh. Ruh-roh. I think the problem with Scooby-Doo is that Scooby-Doo, he doesn't do anything.

He's kind of worthless. Plus, Shaggy's a really bad owner. They'd probably take Scooby-Doo away he doesn't do anything. He's kind of worthless. Plus, Shaggy's a really bad owner. They should probably take Scooby-Doo away from the Mystery Gang, to be honest. They don't really look after him. No. No, you shouldn't feed a dog sandwiches. You shouldn't feed a dog sandwiches.

Some of those sandwiches have little toothpicks in it. It's not good for dogs. No, but doesn't he usually just pull it out and he's like, yeah, sick. He normally eats Shaggy sandwiches, which are presumably designed for Shaggy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or Shaggy knows now, and he's just put Scooby Snacks in it. I'm pretty sure Shaggy's just blowing second-hand smoke into Scooby's face. Oh, yeah.

It's a sad time for Scooby-Doo. Scoop-it-Doo, Rob. All right, all right. That's his name. All right, so we got another fan suggestion. So vampires versus earthworms. They're the equal sized in this instance, and they're wrestling in the sun.

A little Onag reference, all right. They both burn and die. Who would last the longest? Earthworms. Yeah. Vampires are like, and then worms are like, I'm hot and dry.

But if I keep moving, I'll get across this tarmac It must suck for a worm The moment they like Come out of the grass On the side of a road And they're like Oh no

Do you know how long It takes me to turn around Alright how about Yep Gorilla Grodd Good Versus the Hulk At chess boxing

What is chess boxing I don't know Is that when you Gorilla G It's Gorilla Grodd. Gorilla Grodd's a Flash villain who's like a real clever gorilla. Yeah. Ugh. What's wrong with Gorilla Grodd? What?

What? Why is that where you draw the line? Please explain why you hate Gorilla Grodd. He's just the laziest. What if we get a gorilla, guys? And we put like a brain in there and it's good. Yeah. I think he's actually from a race of super intelligent gorillas.

So a poo-poo to you. I'm thinking of the Marvel version. Read a comic book, Zamet, you loser. Because there's a Marvel villain who's just like a dude who also has a bunch of apes where he just enhanced their brains. How do you feel about Mojo Jojo? Yeah, from Powerpuff Girls. Because he's an ape with a brain.

He is. He's very evil. I guess I'm more I'm less indifferent to him He has a massive brain He does And it's the wrong shape It's the wrong shape

And it's out of his skull Yeah it's really exposed So it's like Really like We should put that monkey down Because someone's been Very cruel to it That's like a real

That's actually pretty sad To look at Mojo Jojo Plus he's green Because he's dying Is that Professor X as well? No What's his name? Professor

The Professor The Professor Sugar The Professor. Sugar and spice. All things nice. Whoops, I put poison in. Surprise. Children. Now I've got children.

All right. Mary Jane Jordan is like, I'm going to put gross things in a toilet. Now I've got boys. Yep. That's rude. Well, accurate. Fair enough. Nathan, can you explain what chess boxing is?

Just as an aside because I do not know what that is. I'm imagining you hold a chess piece in your hand and punch. There's a hand up at the bar. Is that your name? You play chess, then you go. Give it a round. Give it a round. Oh!

So you play chess, then you go. Play a bit of chess, then you go. Oh, right. That makes sense. So it's a gorilla versus who? The Hulk. Hulk wins. Which Hulk?

Which Hulk? Hulk doesn't have the attention span to play chess. The gorilla might. That's true. Hulk is not super intelligent. Gorilla Grodd is. Hulk's going to be like, Hulk smash! And you'll be like, oh, Hulk. Not this round, Hulk! We wait till we see who can beat me. Hulk don't want to play chess. It depends. Can he turn back into Bruce Banner? No.

Then, no, he loses. But if he can, in between rounds, Gorilla Grodd is in a lot of trouble because Bruce Banner would be like... No, because Bruce Banner's fine if Hulk gets hurt, usually. Yeah, well, what I was going to say is that Hulk is super tough and a Hulk, but Gorilla Grodd's just a

real clever gorilla. If you punch a gorilla in the mouth, it hurts the gorilla. Is dying losing in this? Because Gorilla Grunt loses. Are gorillas agile? No. Yeah. All monkeys are agile, idiot. I was asking.

No, they're the slower of the monkeys. But could he dodge a Hulk? No. He's just a gorilla. Yeah, no, not the Hulk. Hulk destroys him. Makes a Okay. He's just a gorilla. Yeah, no, the Hulk. Yeah, Hulk destroys him. Makes a paste. How about another...

Last one? A couple more. Okay. So by Nicholas Matthews, the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers versus the Fantastic Four in a sweet dance-off. More Power Rangers means more moves. Yep.

And they do synchronise a lot. But if they synchronise too much, they accidentally become a Megazord. That's true. But then a Megazord is also doing a dance-off. And the judges are like, I don't know. I just don't know. A 10 or a 1?

What do they get? I'm just here to say no to them. All art, if you've reached art perfection, I guess it's a 10 or a 1, depending on which way you look at it. Yeah, that's a good point. So hey, turn it into a Megazord. That's pretty good plus like you know all the Power Rangers

like look really alike so if they were doing synchronized moves it would look really good whereas the Fantastic Four is like a rock man a stretchy man an invisible lady

and a dude on fire stretchy man though has been known to dance before yeah he's very good at it when's Professor when's Professor Impossible I want to say Rise of the Silver Surfer

yeah Rise of the Silver Surfer and also in the comics I'm pretty sure he slow dances as Sue at some point he kind of smacks her around at some points it's not great he's a bad guy he's not good

and you think you know because she can turn invisible she could dodge that but not it is a rough house and then Franklin comes into the picture he's like neither of you exist anymore no no no Franklin Power Rangers win that one sometimes they're pirates sometimes they're ninjas And then Franklin comes into the picture. He's like, neither of you exist anymore. No, no, no, Franklin. Power Rangers win that one.

Power Rangers are sick. Sometimes they're pirates. Sometimes they're ninjas. I love the Power Rangers. Really? You've never mentioned that before. That's a sneaky thing about me. They're learning something new.

No, I don't love them that much. They're fine. Gave it to you, took it right away. That's how it is. All right. All right. Let's see some other ones. Shoot it our way. Jackson versus Shaggy, either from Scooby-Doo or The Rapper.

Who could get away with something better, Shaggy or you? The Rapper, obviously. Shaggy has ventriloquist powers. No, The Rapper. Oh, The Rapper. Would you get away with something or would he? Because he just denies it. No, I think I'd admit it. I'd be get away with something I would hear? Because he just denies it. No, I think I'd admit it.

I'd be like, so I'm in the shower? Yeah. That was me. You're not getting away with it, are you? That means you lose. Well, yeah, I feel like I would lose to Shaggy the rapper. Shaggy the mystery-solving hippie, though. He's real guilty.

He's always like... Plus, I'm just more coherent and more aware of the world than he is. Are you? Yeah. But if they were were like jackson go into this spooky mansion and i was like no that sounds really dangerous it might be like you know just boards falling apart and i stab my leg on a spike and they're like would you do it for dog food i'd be like you've made it sound less enticing no i wouldn't frankly i don't really know if i want to hang out with the four of you anymore i want to go fred jones gonna punch you in the face yeah how about don't Frankly, I don't really know if I want to hang out with the four of you anymore. I want to go. Fred Jones is going to punch you in the face.

Yeah. Don't punch Fred. Don't punch Fred. Fred looks like he's made of granite. He's so scary. He's a weird shape of a man. Oh, I hate Fred. He creeps me out. No, the amount of times Fred's like, go into this mansion.

And they're like, no. And Fred's like, get in the goddamn mansion, Mystery Inc. gang. And they're like, oh, I don't want him to hit me. It's a mess. It sounds like a cult. It's so bad. It does sound kind of cult-ish. Anyway, that's just Scooby-Doo.

How about Nick Fury the Furiosa? Uh-huh. In an Angor-Off. In an Angor-Off. Who is the most furious? Or who survives the Fast and the Furious movie the longest? Furious. Yes, yes. Fury, yes, yes.

Fury, Fury, Fury. Nick Fury. Nick Fury, yeah. Furiosa is in a car all the time, except for the brief time where she's not. Nick Fury's got one eye. His depth perception's gonna suck. Nah, remember in The Winter Soldier? Yeah. How sick his fucking car was. Yeah.

And shot the bullets. Did he drive that car? He did drive the car, and sometimes there wasn't a chauffeur, but the car was sent Yeah. And shot the bullets. Did he drive that car? He did drive the car. And sometimes there wasn't a chauffeur but the car was sentient. What? Excuse me? I don't think that's true. Alright, that is not true.

I'm just going to say now. The car had some very good artificial intelligence and would drive itself. But you've got to remember being in a Fast and Furious movie is not just about driving cars real good.

Spoilers. It's also about La Familia. It's also about la familia. It's true. It's also about pulling heists. Very true. And look and seek. And winning's winning, no matter if it's an inch or a mile.

Exactly. You just gotta win. So, with those in mind... Nick Fury is all about la familia. Yeah, Nick Fury is about la familia. Fury is about la familia too. Fury is about la familia. Is she really?

She's about herself and getting out of that situation. No she is not. Who does she take with her Zoe? La Familia. La Familia.

And who does she try and go and meet up with Zoe? La Familia. We got you good. Sick burn. Furiosa wins. The Fast and the Furious

franchise. Gang up on me and make me cry. It's weird because I think Charlize Theron signed on to be in Fast and the Furious franchise Gang up on me And make me cry It's weird Because I think Charlize Theron signed on To be in Fast and Furious 8 Straight up Good

That's such good news You heard it here first I read it like a week ago So you probably heard it here second Maybe last question I'm going to end with this one There's been a lot of Jackson I do want to have

Like a deadbeat dad off though Who'd be your worst dad Me or you Alright I do want to have a deadbeat dad off, though. Who'd be your worst dad, me or you? Alright. I'm going to say you. Yeah, Dusha. No question, Dusha is the worst parent. The look of genuine hurt on Dusha's face.

Dusha being like, I thought you were my friend. I'd be a great dad. You'd be a great dad. You'd be a fine dad, but damn it would be a better dad. No, you'd be a great dad. You'd be a great dad. You'd be a fine dad, but Zammett would be a better dad. No, you'd be a good dad dad. I'd be a good weekend dad. You would be a good weekend dad. Oh, man, I want to live in a world where Zammett's my real dad

and you're my weekend dad. Oh, and you know that Zammett on the weekdays would be like, oh, you're going to go stay with your weekend father. Uh-huh. You're both buying my love. It's good. Yeah, but Zammett would also be like, oh, your weekend father, he just didn't pay, like, oh, your weekend father,

he just didn't pay child support this week. He'd try and turn you against me. Yeah, I'm going to hear a lot of shit from weak dad about weak dad. Weak dad is talking the truth because Duscha is not paying child support. And you would learn such bad habits from him. Let's go play mini golf. Oh, weekend dad.

Weekend dad takes me to play mini golf week, dad. I'm busy during the week. I have to work 9 to 5. Hey, Jackson, how good are Froot Loops? Oh, my God, Froot Loops for breakfast. Week dad makes me eat muesli. Week bigs is a healthy diet. Put some Milo on it, you're fine.

No, no, Milo. There you go. That sounds like a weekend dad thing. On Friday, I make bacon and eggs. Bacon and eggs is still healthy Eggs is healthy You hate eggs, I know this about you I know I am a great father

I know Weekend dad I love you son I love you weekend dad Well who's paying for college? It's me isn't it School sucks, who's paying for college? It's me, isn't it? School sucks. Let's party.

Yeah, party till I'm 45. Become an accountant. Damn. Weekend Dad says I can party till I'm 45. So I know who I'm choosing. I just feel, Jack, you should just put some, like, you know, just go to university. Get the education. Weekend Dad says he can get me a job at his mechanic.

Yeah. But I set you up an internship for this great law firm. Internship? You don't get paid. Yeah, I don't get paid, Dad. Weekend Dad. I just turned to Zoe and put all my attention to that. You're my dropkick, son. It kind of seems like me and Zoe are your kids,

and Zoe's super aware that Weekend Dad is trash. But I'm still too young or just too stupid to notice. This is kind of how my real life turned out. I was Jackson though and Zoe was my sister. Wow. Nah, my family's alright. None of them

are here, it's fine. Weekday Dad's going to make sure I'm not a stripper when I grow up. Exactly. Weekend Dad might make me a stripper. Who knows? Weekend Dad might be like, gotta pay the bills, Jackson. But Weekday Dad is going to be like, if you want to be a stripper, hun, I fully support that.

Thank you for supporting me, Weekday Dad. I'd be like, okay, just tell me which ones. I won't go there. Weekend Dad lets me eat Tim Tams for lunch. Sure do. Put them in a sandwich it's sick they're a treat a lunch treat

I only get Tim Tams from Week Dad if I've done my homework Weekend Dad's like fuck the packet's in the fridge Weekend Dad is making you morbidly obese but it's only two days a week

so if you get fat it's kind of on him I feel Weekend Dad like it is going to like pump you full of sugar I'm like yeah have weekdays

can you come home like we come home on a Sunday we're just like fucking yeah I'm just gonna go god damn it god damn it I hate that

I didn't even need cordial before you we're giving the mother for breakfast that's great good good

healthy choices son weekend dad takes us to the track to watch the dogs weekend dad

still hitting on everyday mom there's so many passive aggressive calls to you like so uh do you know takes us to the track to watch the dogs. Weekend dad's still hitting on everyday mom. There were so many passive aggressive calls to you. So, I see that

Jackson's only learned this now. There'd be lots of awkward like me coming to the door with the kids and kids running in and you being like,

so how was the weekend? I'd be like, yeah, good. And they'd be like, you found a job yet? I'd be like, oh, I'm still looking. It's like,

you're waiting in the car, sweetie. No, it's good. I would hide under the bed. You'd be like, Jackson, you gotta go. I'd be like, no! Clutching douche's leg. Can I just live with weekend dad?

And I'd be looking at you being like, see? The courts won't allow it, Jackson. The courts won't allow it. If you don't come home, we only get supervised visits. So, I think on that note, it's safe to say not only am I the best dad, but that I'm glad we did a Versus episode live. Yes, me too. Hooray.

On that note, I've been Joel. I've also been Joel. I've been Zoe. I've been Jackson. Thank you for coming down and listening. Woo!