Plumbing the Death Star - Why is Batman in JLA? (Feat. Nick Mason)

Episode Date: June 1, 2015

In which our heroes take a rocket to the JLA satellite, take one look at the original members, and wonder what the hell Batman is doing amongst an underwater king, an invulnerable alien and the literal god of war. Jackson doesn't believe protecting one city is impressive enough, Zammit misremembers the sound of music, Duscher likens Batman to Hawkeye, and Mason just thinks the JLA look like a bunch of bunklers. So apply to join the Justice League, watch out for opportune punch moments, and find out why batman has no right to complain about Gotham. Anyway you cut it, Batman already knows how to kill you.Want to help keep Batman occupied? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help fund crimes for him stop.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least sixty-seven books about creating a hostile workplace environment. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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This episode is brought to you by Sean Who doesn't have a last name Which is good Because it means the government can't track him This week's episode is brought to you by Robert Strick Caleb O'Brien And Whitney George Bauer You guys

What a bunch of sick lads Enjoy the episode It's Robert Strick There's no E-D Wait what? What did I say? Strick You did

Strick Twice Strick Strick Strick Now you can edit that together Or I can just say it again ED. Wait, what? Rob, what did I say? Strict. You did. Strict. Twice. Strict. Strict. Strict. Now you can edit that together, or I can just say it again. I'm going to say it again. Hey guys, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the

important questions like, why is Batman in the JLA? so i was thinking about your three like tent poles of the jla right you got batman superman wonder woman right superman hey he's protecting earth you know like just legit the planet like he once went into space to save Earth, flew around Earth a bit, sent it back in time a bit. The shit that Superman is doing for Earth is astronomical. Guys, am I allowed to talk until I'm introduced? No, go now.

Hi, everyone. Hey, it's Mason. He's finally here. I'm here. I'm saying my catchphrase. That's my catchphrase now. Hi, everyone. Welcome to the show. Thank you, it's good to be here Ever This isn't who we'll be

But this is who we were I'm sorry, you were saying something about Superman I was specifically thinking about me Superman will protect the planet By punching a meteor away fuck up dark side uh beat the shit out of brainiac whatever he's protecting the planet right and wonder woman protects us from like the supernatural threats to earth like gods like gods or dragons or like shit that's affecting the planet again but but Batman is just protecting Gotham.

Yet for some reason, the Justice League is like, yeah, no, you're one of the three, mate. Who the fuck is this guy? Who was that guy? He had a weird accent, too. Basically, he's European. I think he stole my catchphrase.

Well done, Batman. You're doing a Batman. Why are you in this Justice League? Look. Get out of the league, Batman. Batman, why are you in this Justice League? Look. Get out of the league, Batman. Put in booster gold. Fire Gozleme.

Oh, no, that's too original. I'm sorry. Gozleme is good, though. Yeah, I know, right? I might have one soon. Bit of lemon? How good. But that's what I wonder. Why the hell is Batman leading the Justice League?

Surely, if you're a person on Earth, and you're like, the Justice League when he's, surely if you're in if you're a person on Earth and you're like they're up in their satellite, but Batman's not really protecting me in like fucking shithole USA he's protecting Gotham which I guess is shithole USA the unofficial shithole USA

as opposed to shithole USA where you live the place, that's the name Johan Shithole it's you live the place that's the name is it kind of like Johan shithole affirmative action it's one of the tidiest town in America three years running it's unfortunate the name it's like affirmative action

they have to keep Batman in there because he's such a wiener I think there's a few reasons if I had to say why Batman is in the Justice League I think first of all he's in the Justice League because the Justice League has a PR problem like all, he's in the Justice League because the Justice League has a PR problem, like on a lot of levels Yeah, it does

I mean, and this is a cliche, but it's true like, Batman was the first man to pioneer no underpants on the outside, he's been doing that since the 80s It's a cliche, it's true, but the Justice League is all underpants on the outside and little green Speedos and like, a guy in like

a weird onesie leotard who carries a lantern around all the time. Like he's like a, like a little Victorian era boy who's on his way to the privy late at night. But Batman, he's gone in there and he's like, he hasn't, he hasn't kicked the door in his bone being like, you guys all look ridiculous. You guys all look like idiots. He's just shown up underpants, not on the outside anymore. Just hanging out.

What about this, guys? I've learned. Why don't you? Getting heaps of mad babes. Vicky Vale, Catwoman. Poison Ivy, maybe. Poison Ivy. That one that was Katie Holmes, and then it was Maggie Gyllenhaal.

The woman from 94 that he's with for a bit. There's the one with the psychic hands. Yeah, that's the one. He's with Talia bit. There's, he's also with, The one with the psychic hands. Yeah, that's the one. He's with, Talia Ghul. That's the one. I almost said Raj Al Ghul and I was like,

maybe. That's what I'm saying, Mad Bay. So anyway, the point is, they've all seen that and they've gone, you know what,

time to upgrade. I guess from, Underpants belong on the inside. From like a PR perspective. Aquaman long pants. Yeah, he does wear long pants. He wears long pants now.

Yeah. Like Aquaman's a real boy now. Aquaman, Marth and the Marth Man. We're like, we're not cool, but Batman's cool. Maybe if we invite a Batman to the moon base, he might make us cool. Because clearly, like, there's some sort of fashion

precedent going on here. Because Superman, like, he begins it. Everyone's like, I guess tights? I guess leotards is the look? I guess a cape. Alright, then Batman's like, what the fuck is... Capes, he begins it. Everyone's like, I guess tights? I guess leotards is the look? I guess a cape, sure. All right, then Batman's like, what the fuck is... Capes, they can stay, but leotards? Maybe armor, guys?

Did you think about that? Superman's like, I didn't, because I'm... Superman's like, what's that for? I'm literally impenetrable. It's like, you know when someone shoots a bullet and it hits your skin? Uh-huh, and it bounces off? Mm-hmm.

Superman. No. Cal. Okay. I like that your Superman forgot his life as just a real boy in Kansas. He's like, I don't know how humans work. I don't know, Batman.

I don't know what you want from me. He gets shot in the chest and the bullet just bounces right back. But then surely Batman could be not somebody making decisions. Surely Batman could just be like a... Oh, a sideliner. A fashion designer. Yeah, exactly. He's designing everyone's costumes. He's there at conventions or whatever. He should be a good consultant.

But I think he needs to be an active member as well because, again, if we're talking PR... We always are. Yeah, thank you. Exactly. He's also not a guy that for example destroyed Metropolis by accident like and Superman's

done that at least once that's true big time he did that Batman is definitely at some point being responsible for the Joker

getting out of Arkham surely oh yeah that's a really good point but the thing is the thing is me living in shithole USA

I don't know what's going on in Gotham so I can still look at Batman and be like that's a cool looking guy. Maybe the Justice League is pretty cool.

That's exactly what I'm talking about. The Justice League, they seem like a bunch of bunglers, is what I'm saying. First of all, underpants on the outside. We've established that. Second of all, accidentally destroying Metropolis. Not good. Not great. I don't know if you've seen the last Green Lantern movie.

And if you haven't, it's fine to not say that. I think I have. I have seen it twice. I'm making a puzzled face. But that's all right. You have seen that first. You've seen it twice. So you don't it's fine to not say that I have seen it twice I'm making a puzzled face but that's alright if you've seen it, you have seen it you've seen it twice so you don't remember the scene he gets his magic power ring and then he goes down to a car park

and there's some redneck tough guys and they come at him and they're like they're like you they're messing with his truck or something they're messing with his truck and they're like you cost us our jobs at the... Plant? Plant, or the...

Truck job. Plane factory, the truck job, I don't know what it is. We're going to mess you up or whatever. And then he just sort of flails wildly at them and he generates this giant green fist of pure energy and it just wallops all of them off screen. One of them flies through a wall. One just disappears.

Exactly, they don't have any more lines in the movie because they're just like, they're dead. Like one crashes, I think, in the side of a skip. Oh, yeah. One smashes into a truck. Yeah, one guy just flies off panel like he's been punched into space. Like I feel with Batman, like he might drop somebody off the side of a building to break their legs,

but you know he did it deliberately. Yeah. You know, he did it to a bad guy. These guys, I assume, they're not mad because they lost their jobs because they're just itinerant travelling whatevers. They've got a family at home. He killed them all.

Accidentally. He cost them their jobs and then he killed them. Yeah. I was sitting on this the entire episode, but now it seems like a good time to... I was going to say, maybe Green Lantern would be a good person to replace Batman as one of the... Thank you.

Yeah, one of the main three, but now I... Well, at least he's protecting everyone from space. Everybody gives Aquaman shit because they're like, Aquaman's just protecting the sea. You're like, well, that's a big part of Earth. Batman's got one city. That's nothing. If anything, it should be Aquaman, Superman, and Wonder Woman,

and maybe Green Lantern yeah maybe check Green Lantern in there because I mean Superman's like if you're talking in terms of layers Superman's like stratosphere yeah and then Aquaman's

legit space Green Lantern's just like Green Lantern Aquaman's not Aquaman you can't go he's acrophobic he can't get on a plane

don't make him do it he's like I'm not meant for the sky. I'm going to dive into the ocean. Isn't it amazing that Aquaman is still around? Aquaman's so good, though. You need to do an episode on that. New 52 Aquaman's the best.

He's just like, fuck my life. But that's what I'm saying. It's taken him like 70 years to get to this point. Yeah, that's true. It's astounding that he's gotten through all these revisions of like, he rides a little seahorse. Okay, let's keep that. He's got a hook for a hand.

Hook hand, I guess. He grew his beard out. Yeah, had long hair. That's pretty impressive. No, but that Aquaman's like, Aquaman has legit given up. It's like Aquaman's here, Bob, oh fuck. Yep. That's Aquaman sitting in his fucking underwater house

getting greasy. Aquaman, go outside. Have a bath. But he does have a hook hand, which is pretty rad. No, I love Newtcher. Aquaman, go outside. Have a bath. But he does have a hook hand, which is pretty rad. I love Newtree52 Aquaman. He just doesn't give a fuck anymore. He's so sad. Which is how you would be if you were Aquaman.

Aquaman could be one of the big three. But he's protecting the sea. There's so much sea. But there's no people in the sea. He's not doing a very good job protecting the Great Barrier Reef. Oh, well, that's true. Got political. No, good. Aquaman should be doing something about it.

I don't really know what. Killing people? Yeah, definitely killing people. Yeah, absolutely. See, I would disagree with the notion that Batman is just like this street-level guy. Like, he's on the team because he's sort of an out-of-the-box thinker. Yeah, that is true. Like, he doesn't have the cosmic powers. Yeah, you're right, because he's sort of an out of the box thinker. Yeah that is true. Like he doesn't have the cosmic powers. Yeah you're right because he's like

my parents died so I should fight all crime forever. Correct. I should take out every single criminal. That's out of the box. Could I use my vast fortune? Not really. Could I use my vast fortune to go through to education and help the disenfranchised members of Gotham? No. I'll just punch them. I'll wait till they grow up

and I'll do some crimes and I'll punch their face. And maybe drop them off a building. Yeah. Why not break legs? Yeah. I'll kill anyone. But crippling's good. I think in terms of like, he can face those cosmic villains,

not because he's super powerful, because he thinks they're outside the box. You probably remember there's a storyline from a few years ago where there was like, there's like this villain, he's acquired this like cosmic artifact and it can cosmic artefact and it can like every single time. It happens every time. But it can sort of unmake reality and that's happening. The Justice League is in tatters and it's falling to pieces

and sort of the world is coming apart and the universe is coming apart and Batman's one of the few people still standing because he's been hiding in the shadows or bataranging or whatever. And he sees in the distance, observing the battle, is Metron of the new gods. He's this super advanced, hyper-intelligent being. He's got incredible powers kind of thing. And he sort of beseeches Metron,

we know you have this time travel technology. You have to let us use it to go back in time. We've got to stop this cataclysm before it happens. And Metron sort of like, he sort of flat out refuses. He's this being of like just incredible logic and he's like, you know, my role here is to sort of observe the universe and, you know, catalogue everything that happens. And this universe is coming to the end.

There's nothing, you know, there's nothing more for me to experience. So it's like Utau the Watcher. Yeah, exactly. And he's like, you know, I'm not going to interfere. I've just got to, there's nothing more for me to experience. And Batman says, there's something you haven't experienced, what it feels like to be human. And it's this – but it's this moment where you're like,

is Batman, this mere mortal, this speck in the eye of this God, going to make this incredible being feel compassion for beings less than itself and change – and help them change reality and save themselves and go against this belief and change his mind. And so Metron, he uses this tiny bit of his power to become human. And he's not impressed at all. Like immediately he's like, is this it? I just feel kind of heavy.

I'm hungry now. Is this all to the human experience? And Batman's like, no, there's also this. And he just drops him with one punch and he steals his time machine. Right, yeah. I was about to work out, when does Batman punch him in the face? He punches him so good. It's like a plumbing.

Here's one thing you've never felt. I'm like, here's Batman's going to punch him in the face. What? No. No, he saves it up. And then he punches him in the face. Then he punches him in the face. It's a long con.

Exactly. He's good in the long con. He's not all Batarang. Sometimes he's it off and then he punches then he punches in the face it's a long con it's the very exactly he's good in the long con he's not all batarang sometimes he's about negotiating and then batarang so really Batman's way of thinking outside the box is sort of waiting assaulting gods

yeah waiting until someone is like the ripe opportune moment to be punched in the face pretty much yeah alright because there's always one there is for Batman that's like

his thinking is like wait for the punch moment. At some point during this podcast, all of us are going to be ripe for a punching. That's true. And if you don't take advantage of that, you're bad people.

You are worse than Batman. Because Batman would. At one point, I'm going to let my guard down. I'm going to look at my watch. Just lagging all three, if you could. Go for a yawn smack in the back. That's right. There you go.

Batman knows. The Batman way that's his fucking whole game plan yeah before you revealed the full ending of that story

I was getting really annoyed with like the idea of reading this comic book and the ending being Batman talks to God into feeling compassion gives him the machine

and I was like I probably would have torn that up if I was like 16 I would have been like this isn't dark or gritty or fun not punching God

in the face nah cool I would have probably bought the trade paperback version of that and framed it I'd be like, this isn't dark or gritty or fun. Not punching God in the face. Nah, good. I'd probably bought the trade paperback version of that and framed it. But if you lived in, say, Switzerland, would you give a fuck about Batman? Do you even know who the Justice League of America, but they're protecting Earth. Really? In their satellite, pooping around the planet. You'd probably be like, I remember when Brainiac came.

Yeah. They took it out. He stole all our chocolate and timepieces. And we were without them. I remember when he took our crock and clocks. I was almost angry, but then I remembered I am Swedish. So I accepted it with a cool calm. But that's like Batman.

I mean, yeah, sure, he's thinking outside the box. He's got that nearly superhuman level of, like, wit and... Reason and logic kind of thing. Yeah, but in terms of what he's doing there, if I think of the Justice League in Switzerland, I'm going to be imagining the big three. Batman shouldn't be in that. No. He shouldn't be leading everyone. You should have him on sides when everything else has failed And you're like Batman what should we have done

You should have waited And punched I keep telling you Wait and punch You missed the opportune punch moment Like four times You see when he started talking Right there was a good punch moment

That's a punch moment But then you didn't take it So I was watching And then there was like He blinked for like three seconds That was a good punch moment You're gonna punch him again Did you do it

You did it Imagine having like a conversation With like a supervillain And Batman's in the background And you're like trying to just talk To Adler the supervillain And Batman's like That's good punch moment you did it imagine having a conversation with a supervillain and Batman's in the background and you're trying to just talk to the supervillain and Batman's like that's a punch moment and look I just think there's another one shut the fuck up I'm trying to have a conversation

see that on you he should have punched you then just saying you also failed Batman go wait in the car but you say he's a good moving for PR but you say if you're living somewhere like Switzerland somewhere, would you know about Gotham? I think I just confused Switzerland and Sweden, but it's fine. Hey, it's all right.

It happens. Hoity-toity part of Europe. Take your clogs and bloody get out, mate. Yeah. With your meadows and your windmills and your neutrality. Your maidens. Your hills being alive with the sound of music. Yeah.

Yeah. Nazis. Secret Nazis. I think you watched that movie wrong, mate. Maybe I did. Yeah, that family wasn't Nazis. It was the opposite. They were running away from Nazis.

They were reverse Nazis. They were even worse. Wait. That's us. But I think you would know about Gotham because there'd have to be some sort of daily rag where it was like, do you think that Batman should be on the JLA when he just neglects Gotham?

I would feel like it would be the other way around. I reckon what Batman probably does is he takes a couple of weeks off from Gotham every year and he's like, you thought Gotham was bad with me. Check this out. And then he just leaves. And then just... My favourite thing about that is that...

Ice cream vendors are being shot down in the street and whatever. And they're like, oh, God, he's right. We miss Batman. My favourite part about that is that he just throws the rest of the Bat family under the bus. He goes back and he's like, look how shit it was. And Robin's like, I thought I did a good job. I hate Robin.

I thought he gets a combi van. Somebody threw me off the roof and broke both my legs. Oh, that's my move. You learned my move. That's great. Clever. Clever. Batman, why?

I think if he gets the combi van, he's like, all right, Huntress, Catwoman, Robin, what's the other ones? Red Hood. Nightwing. Nightwing. Come into the van. We're taking two weeks off. We're going around America.

Yeah. A little road trip. We'll do a road trip. Superman grounded style. Superman grounded style. Driving into the van. We're taking two weeks off. We're going around America. Yeah. A little road trip. We'll do a road trip. Superman grounded style. Yeah. Superman grounded style. Driving rather than walking. Because Gotham don't appreciate us anymore. So this will make them learn.

Batman is like petty. Yeah. He's like, you don't love me? I'll go. And then we'll see how much you miss me. Yeah. Actually, if he came back and Gotham was fine, he just burst into tears.

Yeah, without the Bat family I've made a lot of mistakes it's like what do I do now I have a lot of unnecessary laser burns on me I don't I didn't need to do

any of this he comes back Superman he's like yeah ducked over for like 30 minutes couple moments had Martian Manhunter

help me out Green Lantern was here too oh man we just dusted it up in like about took a day roughly a day took a half day really yeah Batman seriously like about took a day roughly a day half a half

day really yeah batman like seriously ask next day with a couple breaks like it wasn't that hard well i always think that like if batman batman could never complain to anybody else in the justice league he could never be like you wouldn't believe the day i'd had because then there's like wonder woman punching a medusa head and like head and Superman with a baseball bat smacking Comet's way. Oh, is that so, Batman? How hard is it protecting a town? Well, you see, because I had one villain, he wanted to... You just destroy it, that's what I did.

Now there's no crime happening in Metropolis. Poison the water supply, so I had to... Joker got some security guards with his gas. He bribed some officials., the entire civilization nearly died today. Batman. The Atlanteans nearly got wiped out because of water problems. I threw a guard into the sun. What did you do?

You know, I was like, I just... I punched a guy. I waited for a guy to stop talking for a second, and then I punched him. Clocked him in the phone. Batman, go wait in the car. I always figured that Batman was in the Justice League because he was one of the big three

because he was one of the founders and it's kind of hard to kick a founder out of their own club. Oh, that's true. He's there from a legacy. He's grandfathered in, yeah. Yeah, so sort of the thing you sort of feel with Hawkeye in the first Avengers film. How like he was there from the start and then he's just clearly overwhelmed by the new guys.

But they can't ask him to leave because he was already there. He's on the pager roll. He's like, let's just wait for him to die. Yeah, with Batman, it's like, surely he'll die soon. He just keeps throwing people off buildings. Like Wonder Woman and Superman, like he's mortal. So like, soon. Soon, surely.

We'll just fly up into orbit and hang out there for 50 years. We'll get our base above Earth, because surely he can't come here willy-nilly. It'll be fine. Oh, no, guys, he's just built a bad space. Oh, dear, Jason. Okay, all right, what's our next move? Superman is like,

you know what, once I flew around Earth and sent it back in time, so maybe if I fly around it the other way, I can speed it up. And then, like, I won't be killing him. Time will be,

but, you know. You get where I'm coming from. And that's how we get the Dark Knight Returns. Superman's like, finally, Batman's old and, oh, no, you're there. You're punching me with kryptonite. You piece of shit.

Oh, I see. You survived. And you're angry. If I wanted Batman out, I'd just make Gotham worse. I'd be like, I guess you can't hang out with us. Yeah, good thinking. Gotham's in shit. Oh well, Batman, we'll see you when you sort it out.

Wonderman's like, I might go see Bruce for the weekend. If I go see Arkham, see how everything... Oh look, I broke the law! Oh, whoops! Sorry, Batman, I'd help you, but what's the time? I gotta get in my invisible jet! And then yopsy-flop, yopsy-jops.

I think Batman would find the time, though. He'd probably let that go to pot for a while. And then just Invisible Jet and then I think Batman would find the time though like he would find the time he'd probably let that go to pot for a while and then just exert vengeance on those two

and then get back to it I think that does sound like what Batman would do he's got a lot of weird contingency plans just in case

that's true like there's the whole what the fuck is the name of the storyline Tara Babel yeah yeah

Tara Babel where and look Ra's al Ghul does steal his contingency plans. Yeah, but it's not really on Batman. But I mean, it is on Batman to not lock those babies up. And he's got a whole bunch of contingency plans to kill all the Justice League just in case they go wrong. Oh, that's right, yes.

So, you know. My favourite part about that is, I don't know if it's only in the movie or if it's in the comics either, but that he's like the way that I will take out Wonder Woman is I will make her think she's fighting but it's a fight she can't win and eventually she'll have a heart attack

That is exactly what it is It's a nanite in her ear Batman, I'm sure there are other ways Surely Is he just in the JLA and almost leading it because everyone's just frightened of him well which is weird right yeah yeah like i mean i'd be like like superman you'd be like you're like you know you're kind of a paragon you're something i can aspire to batman you're like

do you already know how to kill me like well you're on the team so yes yes i would have brought you on until that that was yes that's what but it's a part of the screening process i'm like how will i kill this guy when i inevitably have to terrifying i always found it weird that green lantern and batman were on the same team because green lantern's all like fear that's my one weakness and batman's like fear is the only reason i'm a hero that's my greatest greatest strength. But Green Lantern's never there. I always felt like if I was the Lantern corpse, I'd be like, what are you doing hanging out with those guys?

Protect the planet, but also the other planets in your sector. Yeah, exactly. You're in charge of a sector, Lantern. A sector. Not just Earth. Not one fucking planet. He's got the Batman problem but on a cosmic scale. What happened to Mars?

Did Mars get all shit? Am I misremembering this? Yeah, Martian Manhunter had a shit time on Mars because clearly the Green Lantern massacre was fucking useless. Look, Mars is one tidy town three years in a row. I can leave it alone for a while. It's fine. And he comes back a few years later,

oh, civilization's gone. Oops. Oh, boy. I'm going to have to tell this to all the dwarves that run the society I'm part of. And so Manhunter's going up to Green Lantern like, it's because of people like fucking you who were meant to look after us. Jesus, I didn't even ever think about the resentment

Martian Manhunter would have towards Green Lantern. Well, I'm sure it wasn't like... It wasn't like Hal Jordan or Kyle. But Green Lanterns in general he would not trust. Yeah, like surely. Surely something happened on their watch. Yeah. Right?

I feel like this is going to be like, again, Superman grounded kind of thing. Like Martian Manhunter is going to walk up and slap Green Lantern and be like, while you're off in space, my little shitty town of Mars. You've forgotten where you've come from. And Hal Jordan's like, fuck, I need to walk through space and help out all the little people.

Well, there was actually, I think it was in the 70s, there was something similar where Green Lantern and Green Arrow did a walking tour of all these towns. I can't remember what it's called. It was called Hometown Heroes or something like that. And it was essentially this multi-issue

lecture from Green Arrow to Green Lantern and be like, you're out in space all the time you don't know what we have to deal with here you know from this from this multi-millionaire yeah guy who shoots arrows all the time isn't that like yeah you're off in space but shouldn't he be off in space because then you got like someone off in like quark knock you know galaxy dealing with their shit and then there's green lantern like i gotta get a lecture from this fucking billionaire. And over there the quarknoxians are dying. He's like, that's great, Green Arrow. Green Arrow, can I just...

Look, I'll just leave the perfect energy replica of myself here and you can just talk and it's here. Just give it a bit of talking talk and I'll get to it later. I'll just see if I can just slide back in and be like, yeah, uh-huh, that's real interesting. I've got to deal with space gonna. I'll just see if I can just slide back in and be like, yeah, uh-huh, that's real interesting. I gotta deal with space shit. I'm basically a

space cop and I've got a beat. Was that story well received in the slightest? At the time, I think it was. Okay. I was gonna say, like, why did they try that? Because the Superman Grounded story is pretty much exactly the same thing. Yeah, yeah. And that was panned and everyone hated it because it's the dumbest thing. I think it's like every

storyline from the 70s and the 80s and the 60s and the 50s and forever that it hasn't aged well. Like if you look at it and you go, oh, there's some conventions we don't use. Like if you've ever read an X-Men comic from the 80s, there's a lot of characters explaining their powers while they're using them. They're like, I'll lift my ruby quartz visor and use my optic blast to deflect the blah, blah, blah, whatever. I'm like, you didn't have time to say that.

Or they're thinking it. Why is he thinking it? Cannonball, every episode, every issue of The New Mutants, is like, I'm nigh invulnerable when blasting. He says that every time. He just flies. We don't give a shit. We know.

We know. We know. It's happened before. You wouldn't be here if we didn't know. Maybe if you had to explain his powers in order to use them. Maybe, yes. That would probably explain lots about mutants, yeah. It's like, I have to verbally explain what I'm

doing, or else I just don't work. I think Kitty Pryde in Days of Future Past says she's 13 in the comic book about 80 times. She's like, this is my first mission. I'm 13. Yes, we know. You said it literally last page. X-Men don't have conversations.

They just exposition each other. I'm 13. I can fire lasers from my eyes. Handshake. Leave the room. And it seems like, and you're thinking that as well. Okay, that's great. You're thinking you're 13.

It's your first time, baby. You're pretty much very one to the original. That was a Professor X impression I wanted initially when you did it, but I get it now. Have you done it before on the show and have not done it? Many times. Okay, fantastic. It's us.

It's a good one. There's not really a Professor X-style character in the Justice League. I think there's been a couple of times in Plumbings where we've needed one and there's no one to go to. The question is, I can think of a Doctor Fate, but he's just a spooky flying weirdo in a kettle hat. And he's not really a doctor. Really?

Liar, that's what he is. Is Doctor Strange a doctor? He's the Dr Pepper of superheroes. And yes, Doctor Strange is a surgeon. Sick. Right? I like that he kept, like, when he's Stephen Strange. So does that mean if you go visit him as a doctor?

I don't think he's still doctor. No, because he got in a car crash and mangled his hands or something. That's why he's Stephen Strange. So does that mean if you go visit him as a doctor? I don't think he's still doctor. No, he's a... Because he got in a car crash and mangled his hands or something. That's why he's a sorcerer now. But you think he'd need a little bit of dexterity. You'd think. He does this business. Yeah, he does a bit of that business, yeah.

No business, we're doing a bit of this business. Obviously, we're doing a bit of this business. But now it's more like this business, so larger gestures. Yeah, it's big motions and it's mostly just like devil horns. Spider-Man hands, devil horns, exactly. You're right, because think about it, Xavier comes

and recruits a mutant, you know who he is, he's friendly, he's kind, he's approachable, he's reading your mind, so these might all just be fake memories, we don't know. Doesn't matter. What I don't know doesn't hurt me. You know, you could imagine being recruited for the Justice League and Batman. I think Batman is the Professor X of the team.

Yeah. Which is like, he just shows up. He's scary as fuck. He just shows up and he's like, if I tap the side of your neck, you'll die. Join the team. Yeah. Oh my God. Okay.

It's like, I know when to kill you. I have this device. It will kill you. Join the team. Just like heads in the air. Like, okay. Yeah. We have dental insurance.

It's great. And just to let you know that you've had like, I've had three good punch moments and I have let you slide. Oh my god. That was four. Professor X does it as well, doesn't he? He has a computer where all the mutants' weaknesses are in it. Oh yeah, he does. Oh yeah, the Xavier Protocols.

Yeah. Fucking hell. That's super weird. He's just like, if I need to murder these children, I know how to do it. Yeah, he was like, Wolverine has gotten his healing power, it's off the chops, so the best way to kill Wolverine is just to decapitate him.

Straight up. If you were recruited... Surely you'd just get Magneto to tear all his metal out. But that didn't even work. He's still alive. He tore out his metal, and then he returned to a feral state. He got even more powerful. Yeah.

His healing factor went into overdrive because apparently the Edmantium has been poisoning him this whole time. And so it's like a little bit of healing factor had been like dealing with that shit. And now with that out of his body, his like healing factor just went nuts. How does it get more? Need to decapitate him to kill him.

I've not read this. Like, I'm not familiar with this like what yes so we're here this is the perfect this is the good to answer your question hi hi um joel yes big fan of the show thank you um no so what happens when he goes like how does a feeling healing factor get even more overdrive than just perfectly like oh well sort of like in in the first instance like when his powers sort of went overdrive like i'll see let's see the problem is that prior to this his healing factor was sort of more like it was it was less insane like the version in the movies is pretty much like it's insanity at this point oh right so in like when wolverine first appeared well initially when he first appeared he was just a guy guy with claws on his gloves.

And then it was going to be revealed a few issues later. He just appears like a Hulk villain. And a few issues later, it was going to be revealed that he was like a Wolverine who had mutated into a human man. That was going to be the big reveal. But then I think they needed a Canadian for the X-Men or for Alpha Flight or something like that. So we'll get this guy and we'll say he's a mutant.

Yeah, they needed a mutant for Alpha Flight, I think. And so like his appeal, I think, when he started was that if he got shot or something, he would heal from that in a few days. But the idea was that he was so tenacious that he would keep fighting even though he'd been shot a whole bunch of times. And so that was it for a while. But then he became like so much of a fanboy character that they were like, well, what else can we do?

What happens when he drowns? Let's just bring him back from that. What happens if he gets horribly burned? We'll just bring him back from that. And then Magneto pulled out all the adamantium and he got superhealy. That's not a word. You missed the point where I think he regenerated from a blood cell. No, I think that probably happened after he's healed.

There you go. I like the time Hulk ripped him in half. That was a good moment. That storyline was never resolved. It was, but in a three-year gap. Oh, okay, right. That's awesome. So yeah, like when Wolverine sort of further

mutated into this even more powerful being, like he got hit by a car, or like a truck or something, and then like mid-air, like all his bones knitted back together. And by the time he hit the ground, he was fine again. But yeah, so now he's got the adamantium back, but he's still got that healing level. So like you said, the blood cell, there was an issue quite recently

where he was blown up by like a villain called Nitro. And he was reduced to like a villain called Nitro. And he was reduced to a metal skeleton with nothing. No eyeballs, no hair, no skin, no flesh, no anything. No internal organs. And then the next page he's fine again. Even all his hair's grown back. Where's the mass coming from?

That's quite overdrive. Exactly. So he lost the admanium and so it turned into my favourite wolverine because he's all feral he's got no nose and he wears a

bandana it's the best oh wait no I've seen a picture of that wolverine he's all very primitive

yeah it's great and then he got yeah admanium back in and there was a point where his teeth even were

admanium yeah what the fuck why metal teeth it's the future let's just ignore his teeth being adamantium metal teeth is the future of teeth oh grills grills he was the

precursor to grills adamantium grills so yeah the version you see at the in the movies is the is that version where like he'll you know phoenix will blast all his internal organs out they'll just grow back or whatever yeah Yeah, yeah, so... Yeah, that's fine, yeah. Sort of like what happens in, like, The Wolverine when, like, he stops a nuclear bomb, pretty much, with his body. Oh, that's right, yeah.

And he melts, and then he's fine. His hair grows back. It's good. No, it's a good time. What do you think stops, um... Uh, uh, uh... Batman? Justice League?

Nothing. Nothing stops Batman. No, it's... What the fuck was my question going to be? Wounds. Wounds. I forgot what I was going to say

never mind a shot in the mouth that should shut him up so that's how Wolverine will die decapitation decapitation and so I guess

the equivalent of Professor X in the DC universe is Batman which is scary which is a frightening reality I think he's very much open like

I don't know how to kill you welcome to the team why his was what my question was gonna be ready why does nobody else step in to gotham are they just like afraid of batman do you reckon it's fear or is it like he's got that no nobody rack it for him no i think it's fear because if i'm if i'm superman it also would be an ego thing as well if i'm'm Superman, I'm like, Bruce, I can take care of Gotham. First name basis. And I'm pretty sure Batman would be just like, Batman.

The Batman would very much. Bruce Batman. Bruce Batman would be like, what the fuck did you say to me, mate? Grab his kryptonite knuckle duster and just punch Superman in the face. Don't you fucking dare tell me how to do my job. I don't tell you how to do your job. So Batman's one of those guys Superman's just like

Batman's like a loose cannon in an office where you're like look I'm filing these reports anyway if you want to chuck yours on he's like smacks you in the mouth they're mine

these are my reports I am gonna do them you're like whoa you work in some weird offices that's what I say everybody's fighting each other it's scary

I think it was just a cage fight an office themed cage fight like yeah fight club but in the actual office I think that might be true and I think it might be also like maybe Superman figures he doesn't

understand the politics of the whole if he goes in and he just cleans up all the crime or whatever then Lex Luthor comes in and he attempts to rebuild the city and then that's more trouble. And I guess everybody's got their own shit to deal with. Nobody gives a fuck about Gotham as well. Well, what happens when Batman is like

chuffing off through time or disappears for long periods of moments? Guys, I gotta go. I'm chuffing off through time. Not always Batman. I'm having a time chuff. Give me the pistols. Batman out.

Who takes over the JLA? Who leads them? Superman's always leading them. Batman's just Who takes over the JLA? Who leads them? Superman's always leading them. Batman's just there. He's just a threatening presence. He's just... I think people just relax a little bit. It's like when you've got two supervisors at work

and one's real mean and one's not so mean. And you're like, sick, it's just a Superman day. Yeah, great. Superman's like, yeah, take a day off. Casual clothes day, it's fine,'s like yeah take a day off casual clothes day it's fine guys and Batman shows up and he's oh I forgot

my bag are you guys wearing chinos what's going on in here wear your tights put on your tights like fun silly tie day

yeah what is this it's a silly tie it's a Batman tie I thought you'd appreciate it get out get out

get out someone's wearing like a joker tie you think that's funny you think off get off get off someone's wearing like a Joker tie you think that's funny you think that's funny oh my god I just like the colours Batman

punch in the face don't look down at your tie that's a prime option for Batman to push in the face what these colours what are you

oh smacked in the face your punch was so good because it was not like your head didn't snap back it was just like oh damn ow

ow you're expected if you're in the Justice League you're always Your punch was so good because it was not like, your head didn't snap back. It was just like, oh, damn. Ow, ow, ow. It's a lot to expect if you're in the Justice League. You're always tensing your neck up. Yeah, because then bad October Finch. But I think you're right also, Batman is a get-off-my-turf kind of guy. I think there was a Batman comic book for, I don't know, maybe a year, it was called All-Star Batman and Robin.

Oh, yeah, also Batman and Robin. And it was this kind of... Are you dense? Yeah, it was yeah it was by yeah exactly who the hell do you think you i'm the goddamn batman yeah it was this it's it was this effort by the the writer frank miller who's gone a bit insane at this point i've never seen like a comic quite a bit like everyone being like this guy fucking this this guy knows batman and comic books and how to write. No, he's insane. Screw has come loose at this point. He was just like, he got Jim Lee, who's this very well-regarded artist, and I think he's like, I wonder what I can get him to draw.

Do you think I can get him to draw Batman and Robin getting in the Batmobile and then it turns into a plane and then it flies off and it firebombs like a city block? Do you think I can get him to draw that? Yes, I can. Like it's, it's a bit of that, but there is a scene in that where Green Lantern wakes up in a room that's been painted entirely.

Like every, every square inch of it has been painted yellow, which is, is one week. And he can't, like he can't affect that. And Batman and Robin have also like war painted themselves completely yellow. And they're like,

I will kill you right now, but unless you get out of this town and he's like okay you got me he goes the extra mile that's why he's on the team so Green Lantern's weakness is mustard it's mustard corn on the cob don't get me started about corn on the cob

with mustard on it before Green Lantern's weakness was yellow it was wood a lot of things are made of wood, before Green Lantern's weakness was yellow, it was wood. It was wood, that's true, yeah. A lot of things are made of wood. Yeah. Why is that Green Lantern? He has a fucking baseball bat.

He can smack it over his head. It's a stick. Just smacking him in the legs with a stick. Or even like... Just a switch. Just... Oh, God. My superhero robotics.

Ow! Ow! So like a yellow 2x4 would really do the job That's my Greenland emergency kit on the wall there If any of you show up, doesn't matter which one Just break that out and pelt him with it Nothing he can do, he's just a guy So I guess yeah, so Batman is very Very territorial, like some kind of

Creature I'm trying to think what's a territorial animal. Like a wolverine. Like an angry bat. Bat's territorial? Bat's love company. Batman, you chose poorly. Yeah, like for a lone wolf.

He should have gone wolf, man. Pandas. Pandas are territorial. And they're kind of black. Not scary, though. Not scary. That. Not scary. Fat. That'd be great if he was like Panda Man. He puts on his little curvy little ears.

I am the knight. I am the bamboo. Does Batman ever say I am the knight? Don't make up a quote for him. It sounds like something he'd say. But it just doesn't sound very Batman. I'm in the night. It's night time and I'm here.

It's close enough i guess i love that every batman film is like we need batman at night no matter what we do because batman in day is stupid yeah there's in the 1999 batman movie which i'm a big fan of even though it's not really very good uh there is like there are some there was if you've read the junior novelization which i have there is a scene in daytime where like there's a scene where bruce wayne goes to visit vicky vale's house and the joker is there and but and he's like you can see it's it's the best scene in the movie where he grabs like a fireplace poker and he's like you guys want to get nuts let's get nuts and then he breaks some vases and stuff but after that there's a there's a scene that i guess wasn't filmed or cut out of the

finished film where he like he puts on a ski mask and he steals a motorcycle and he drives down the street in his beige double-breasted 1980s suit. It's pretty incredible. That's amazing. Not frightening, though? Not frightening in the least. Unless you're afraid of 80s power suits. I am.

A little bit. There's the other scene in that film that was a deleted scene of when Michael Keaton's just hanging upside down as Bruce Wayne. Oh, yeah, Oh yeah yeah yeah totally in his gravity boots. I think that is still in there. I've barely seen the film. I don't remember this film at all.

I had the toy though. And then she wakes up and she's like where is he? And he's just hanging on the roof. I'm pretty sure that's real unless we all group hallucinated it. No I know it exists I'm just not sure if it's in the film or if it's a deleted scene. Because it seems like something that shouldn't be in the film. Yeah, there's a lot of stuff that shouldn't be in that film.

The Prince soundtrack shouldn't be in that film. No, Batdance. I will defend Batdance to my dying breath. That is an amazing bit of art. That's some League of Shadows shit right there. They're like, we told you how to kill ninjas. Dance section.

Not a true member of the League of Shadows unless you can tango with the best of them. Exactly. Dance with me in the pale moonlight. Yeah, exactly. There you go. That's some Batman bullshit right there. That's probably why Batman's in the Justice League. Because he knows how to dance in the pale moonlight. Good. Also

terror. Also terror. Mostly terror and punches in the face. Surprise punches. I was going to say because he also funded them but I guess that doesn't even really come into account it's more just he's going to kill us

if he's not the leader do you know where their money comes from I think the government I know it comes from the government lousy government political again

political again oh my god jeez on that note I've been Joel I've been Jackson I've also been Joel I've been Nick Mason have a good one. I've also been Joel. I've been Nick Mason.

Have a good one. Thanks for finally being on the show. No problems. Yes, thanks for the harassment. I'm not sorry. And punch from... My face is tested. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account?

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