Plumbing the Death Star - Why is the Death Star Spherical?

Episode Date: December 16, 2015

In which our heroes exit hyperspace, wonder what that second moon is doing there and get lost in it’s spooky and empty corridors while wondering why the Death Star is spherical. We wonder what destroying Alderaan really accomplishes, explain how bubbles work and delve deeply into our favourite moon related theory. Jackson realises the Death Star isn’t made for ramming, Zammit explains the Emperor's true motivations and Duscher just wants people to pronounce AT-AT properly. It’s a question of design as the boys wonder why you'd bring a metal donkey to a spaceship fight.Want to help fund research to just how much air is in space? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in the understanding of this far, far away galaxy.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least six-hundred-and-sixty-one books about Spooky Death Star Stories. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, just own the night, like the 4th of July. You might know this, but we have a Redbubble store, so if you thought, hey, you know what my wardrobe needs? Joel Dush's face on my chest? Head to redbubble.com forward slash Sands Pants Radio and buy yourself a sick shirt. You can't even get your fucking face on the chest. That's not even a promo. Ah, solid.

Hey guys, welcome to this week's episode of Flumming the Death Star. Except it's not a week, because it's a... every day. Hey guys, welcome to today's episode of Flumming the Death Star. Except it's not a week, because it's every day. Hey guys, welcome to today's episode of Flumming the Death Star. Star Wars week! The only time we'll ever use that introduction. But hey, just splice it in. One's already out. Today's question... Wait, fuck it, I'm just going to keep going. Today's question... we fuck it i'm just gonna keep going today's question

that's not out today's question is why is the death though spherical already like 42 seconds shambles a hot hurried mass also if our listeners if you hear any wind at any point we're recording outside today. Recording on douche's patio. Because we are directly under a air flight path as well. If you hear a plane, that's that. We've also got a dog. Oh, he's right near me. It's a she. She's right near me. Perfect.

It's the perfect Australian fucking summer. Exactly. And intro music. Alright, so we brought this up in the live show. The one everyone would have just listened to yesterday. Or last week if you came. Of why the Death Star.

It's very cool. It was a question that we asked and we didn't really have an answer. Amongst, no, none of us did. It was the live show a lot of questions not a lot of answers a lot of cheers though so that was good is it because you know like how bubbles work explain how bubbles work what so bubbling is a sphere because it's the i forget what it's called

but it's got something to do with like surface tension is the easiest shape to make to stay like solid uh-huh that's how that's why bubbles exist in nature that's two bubbles exist in nature you go underwater you blow some air bubble there's a bubble no true but like maybe that's why the death star is a sphere because that's not gonna actually occurring no it's naturally occurring i just mean it's not gonna break easy. Like, it's not gonna- You're not gonna drop it? It's gonna crack like an egg? Actually, there's no weak points on the Death Star, you're right.

Yeah, no, like, fuck the two of you! I know what I'm talking about! Nah, because there's no corners, and for some reason corners are weak. Corners are trash. Corners are exhaust ports. There's your weak points. Because a sphere, you caners are exhaust ports. Trash. Those are weak. Because a sphere, you can't... Like, you push it, it just rolls.

Anyway, that's my theory. Your theory is that the Emperor looked at a bubble and was like, Good. Good. But, but... Wait, the Emperor didn't design the Death Star. Doesn't matter. Listen to me talk.

Nah, because Count Dooku or some shit is looking at... Oh, no. My theory's out the window. Count Dooku, some shit is looking at... Oh, no, my theory's out the window. Count Dooku, yeah, was looking at the Death Star plans or something. Oh, but I guess that the Emperor is... The Emperor at least had a look at them at some point. Yeah, Emperor was like, Why don't you build a death star?

Make it a sphere. Because think about it, any other shape. Give me another of the primary shapes. The primary shapes. Yeah. What are the primary shapes? Square, triangle, circle. Triangle. I primary shapes. Yeah. What are the primary shapes? Square, triangle, circle. Triangle.

I think that's good. Triangle actually is awesome. No, see, a triangle is only solid on the ground, like a pyramid. Yeah, but if you look at a death destroyer, no, a star destroyer. Yeah. Death destroyer is pretty metal sounding. Right, that's the next one. Death destroyer.

If you look at that, that's triangular. Yeah, but that's not designed to withstand impact. Actually, no. You know, it's the death. Yeah, no, Death Destroyer. If you look at that, that's triangular. Yeah, but that's not designed to withstand impact. Actually, no, you're right. That was my whole theory out the window. Because they were never like, it's a defensive, strong, it's a weapon. Yeah, it's a weapon. It's like they're just ramming planets with a Death Star.

It needs structural integrity. How does a Death Star fly? I don't know. I don't know it thrusters I don't think does it oh no it does fly because it goes between planets because yeah

because that's the whole thing at the end of episode Alderaan is there for like 30 years what was I doing up there what's that about what the fuck no it does

and also because at the end of episode I think it's episode 4 it's either the end of episode 4 or episode 6 because they're racing against time to blow up the Death Star before it blows up the Rebel base I feel like it's episode four yeah yeah yeah because they're like hey we

know where the rebel base is actually it would be episode four because that's why they move in episode five exactly yeah jackson no but does that mean that somewhere on the death star there are like thrusters yeah because like every other spaceship driving it there's like apparently how do you drive it? Is there one guy and a wheel? I heard it rolls. Like, rather than moving straight. That would kind of make sense, though.

Oh, no. It's three-dimensional space. No, but if the thing in the middle... Oh, wait. Hang on. They have a... What's it called? The something...

The meridian? The meridian trench? So it's got a meridian, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it does. So it would... Would it work like a planet where it's got an axis? It's huge, yeah, probably.

It would have it on gravity as well, which is a weird thought. It does. It should. So it would have... Yeah, because it'd be rotating. It's got tractor beams. Yeah. That's got nothing to do with what we're saying.

I'm just remembering things that are on the Death Star. I think there's, like, what, three million people on board, or is it a million? That's nothing. Is it really only a million people on the Death Star? Hang on. Find that shit out for me, because the Death Star's the size of a fucking moon. There's a million people, that's just like empty corridors. You could get lost and die on the Death Star.

Depends how hollow it is. I like to think it's like they built it for a lot more. Last time I saw someone talk about how many people were on the Death Star was our boy James, so I'm just going to go through his Twitter feed real quick god damn it he posts a lot god damn it james we're looking for one fact and you know like how good is it to imagine that the death star is just so many fans stop that hey retweeted me that's pretty good just like endless corridors and like one stormtrooper gets separated and it'd be like they're shining you'd just be trapped forever do you reckon they'd be like like they'd be like when i go down corridor

85 yeah like a bunch of stormtroopers telling a little ghost story it's about like yeah i saw the ghost of a jedi how great is it to imagine like they like they're just patrolling a corridor and they find it like a stormtrooper that's been missing for like years and he comes out and he's just like eating soup out of his helmet

with a big long beard and he's like free me and they're like my god oh wow we lost Gary oh Gaza

we're so sorry we built a big ship too big some might say because what's all the space taken up by? And also, would there be, like, a tour guide? What's it called?

Induction, you know? Yeah. Because there have to be many of them happening. Like, even your first day on the Death Star, there's a lot to explore. Well, okay. Say there's a million people. Yeah.

And it's roughly the size of, like, our moon? Bigger? Probably four. I have no idea. Sure. Our moon Fuck it Fuck you

One cubic earth moon Yeah The basic Earth moon measurement That means that With a million stormtroopers That's like one floor That's like the middle floor

Of the Death Star That depends Because like How many people in Melbourne Uh I don't know Shut up I know I'm just going to take this conversation

5 minutes ago Death Star population, the total crew is very low What is it? So Death Star 1 is 342,953 fuck off that's total crew and death star that's spooky is that that's not okay looking at the population of Melbourne it's happening I need total crew of death star 2 yeah is 637 the dozens yeah that's nothing

that's nothing okay let's find out, spooky thing about Death Star 2 before. I was going to talk shit about that later, but apparently the super laser can recharge in three minutes compared to 24 hours on the first Death Star. That's a lot of planet destroying. I just sit in one cell, I'll just do my pew, pew, pew. Done. The population of Melbourne.

Four million. We're talking not even the population. It's a lot. Yeah, so four million four hundred we're talking not even a lot yeah so four million four million melbourne yeah yeah so one eighth of melbourne no less 116 we're talking like preston yeah like we're not talking preston how many 300 it was like 300 000 right so what's So what's that? That's like a lecture theatre. A big one. Whoa. We're bad at measurements. A bond lever seems like it's between 15 and 20,000.

Yeah, so a lot of that. Jesus. Jesus Christ. The MCG seats are 90,000, so we're getting closer. So it's like two grand final days. Three grand final days. two grand final days three grand final days three grand final days 180 three grand final days

so three grand final days worth of stormtroopers and imperials and other officers so it's not the shenanigans you could get up to

yeah like you could that's a lot of shenanigans nobody's paying attention to you we're on a muck. Exactly. Also, if Darth is in one area of, like, in the command center,

you can be jumping off down the other, literally the opposite end of the Death Star. He ain't gonna know what's going on. I wonder if there's just massive parts of the Death Star that just aren't rooms, though.

What do you mean? Like, as in... What are they, boiler rooms and... No, no, no. Like, stuff that's just, like... Yeah. Charging in coal. Yeah. True, true.'s just like... Yeah. Shuffling coal.

True, true. Yeah. Dark reactors, all that kind of crap. Where does... What's his name? Fall into. No, like... Yeah, actually.

Yeah. What is that bit? Oh, it's got a name. The bit where Luke and Leia... Swing across. Swing across that giant chasm, because also it has chasms. I know, imagine you're like,

I'm just trying to get from my room to the lunchroom. Go leap a chasm. No, you don't have to leap a chasm. There's a bridge there. You could if you wanted to. They turn the bridge off. I know, but what? Yeah, I know.

Turn the bridge off. That's hilarious. Oh, no, intrudersuders quick turn all the bridges off let's have a quick side question why can you turn bridges off in this like is it kind of like in an airplane where it's like you must put your seat back and your lunch table in the upright position we're not moving this goddamn death star like make sure all the bridges are retracted that's a good question when the death star moves moves... Oh, wait, no, because it's probably got its own internal gravity.

I was going to be like, everything just flies to the back. Well, I'm thinking that the reason they can turn bridges off, in particular in that area, is that maybe shit goes on in that room. As in, it might have... But there's so much space.

Then build around the room. There's so much space. Double up. Yeah, I'm thinking that... You know how it shows when they fire the Death Star laser fires through? It might be like when you drive through a shitty airport and there's

gates that shut when a plane's landing. Ah, yeah, they're like, we designed it poorly enough that everything's kind of interconnected. The funny thing about the Death Star is that like a Star Destroyer, right? Or one of them big ships. They're all kind of based on clearly the same technology, you know what I mean? Everybody's like, look, we know how to build the ships, we're just them big ships. They're all kind of based on clearly the same technology.

You know what I mean? Everybody's like, look, we know how to build the ships. We're just building different ships. The Death Star is a whole other thing. I want a documentary on the architectural design of the Death Star. That's like somebody building the Eiffel Tower. It's new. It goes from a lot of what we do in terms of building and structure

and infrastructure and even technology is just based on what's come before it yeah you kind of think about yeah you look at the death star you look at the um star destroyer you look at x-wings you look at the type yeah you're like i can see that it's all sort of yeah they've got like you know the cockpit and the thrust is good exactly wings for some reason sick great times um but that's no air in space gotta be careful about side thing i reckon side side side side thing however i reckon there's air in space in the star wars universe because there's sound travels right yeah um the explosions they're explosions as in like an actual explosion because you need oxygen for that. That's true.

No one gives a shit about breathing and the problems that, like, we need air and oxygen, that kind of stuff, right? No one wears masks in space. Exactly. Like, everyone's just wearing helmets. Yeah. You look at the flimsy cockpit of an X-Wing, it just sort of goes down and latches on, almost like a shitty convertible, right? They use a lot of glass. Like, I know that's not an issue,

like that's in all sci-fi, but we don't on our space stations because we're like, we have a thick glass, so we've got to have... And even if we do use glass, I think it is very, very thick, whereas this one looks like, again,

a convertible. Thin, right? I honestly reckon it is a universe where there is air in space. I'm going to say that there probably is, but it's not like Earth air. Oh, no. It would be like how being on a plane, there's air outside. Yeah, like you could breathe out there, but it would be rough.

Yeah, you don't really want... You wouldn't want to cop that. I like the idea that it's just like really shitty made and like a rock hits the X-ray window and there's like a crack and he's like... Actually, more... There's that creature that lives on the asteroid oh yeah that's a good point giant worm they also get out on that oh but the asteroid could be big enough that it

has it doesn't have an atmosphere you'd see and also you'd see you can see the atmosphere from space aurora borealis i don't know what the fuck zama's talking about but you it's not just like a something lights northern lights southern lights those things yeah it's not just like a... Something lights, northern lights. Northern lights, southern lights, those things. It's in the Simpsons, so it must be northern. We get our own lights, I found out recently. Southern lights.

Yeah. Southern cross. Station. Aurora Borealis, Aurora Australis. Australis, yeah. No, but yeah, you're right,

that bug. I mean, worm, whatever. And you could argue, yeah, maybe the asteroid has its own atmosphere, but then like when the Millennium Falcon

chuffs off, it chases them clearly off the asteroid has its own atmosphere, but then when the Millennium Falcon chuffs off, it chases them clearly off the asteroid for a little bit. So that'd be like a giant worm just pokes its head. How the fuck does that worm eat? Out of the stratosphere. What is its diet? How was it born? There was a weird bird thing on that asteroid as well.

Space is fucked. So yeah, I reckon there is air in Star Wars. I think that in star wars i think that's fair i think that's fair why did i bring that up i don't know for you to refute it no you just said there's no air in space and i was like gotta be careful that example's like side note side note so back to our side note what was the first side note i was talking about ship design ship design i was like it's kind of like if someone was like i know look, look, we've had houses. They're square. We put them on a solid base support. We give foundations.

It's sick. What if we did it like a balloon? That's basically what happened. Like the guy, whoever decided on the design of the Death Star, people must have called him crazy. Yeah. See, my theory. He's a visionary.

So you think about a lot of the stuff we built yes so you think about skyscrapers think about think about them often think about like castles tell me about spaceships there's like those towers and they can't unless you tell me to think about those little triangles those are parapets whatever they're called yeah parapets even even spaceships giant giant tubular rocket. Yeah. So this is going to go on a theory. All right, Jackson. Last year or so.

So your theory, for the uninitiated, is that everybody wants to fuck the moon. I think humanity on the whole... Do you want to just briefly explain that? Yeah, all right. I'll give you the Cliff Notes version. So I think humanity, based on our architectural design forever,

since we've started building things, is that we kind of want to fuck the moon. We see the moon as like this big female symbol or like this big vagina in the sky. A lot of gods. Yeah, a lot of female gods. It's always a lady. Goddess of fertility.

Exactly. The moon is seen as a fertility symbol in all mythologies. And we build these big phallic... We build the parapets, these big dong castles, you know? We build buildings like the Eiffel Tower, like the Washington Monument. Look at the skyscraper. That's a giant dick in the skyline. We have this weird unconscious desire

to just fuck the shit out of the moon. That explains Thunderbird 3's design as well. Exactly. Just a big cock. Thunderbird 1 as well. Thunderbird 2, I can't explain. That's more of a mothership, I guess. Same with 5. But at least 2 out of the 5 Thunderbirds are cocks.

Well, Thunderbird 5, again, similar to the Death Star, is like circular and Thunderbird 3 docks. There you go. So I think humanity, yeah, I think that's a belief that we want to fuck the moon. Or Thunderbird 3 docks there you go so I think humanity yeah I just I think that's a belief that we want to

fuck the moon or Thunderbird 5 so I think that though is sort of if that theory is true or at least

there's something there holds up in the court of law it's been proven yeah scientists had a look yeah good I'm checking my notes

checks out good tick yeah got him so if we kind of can extrapolate that out scientists had a look we're like yeah sick they're like I'm checking my notes checks out good tick yeah got him so if we kind of can extrapolate that out to other alien races and they're going to also have

everybody wants to fuck the moon everyone in a I guess in a sustainable a world that's sustainable of life you're going to have the sun and potentially a moon

probably if not more than one so there's going to have this idea, so everyone is going to have this sort of subconscious of like, we build things to get up there to fuck the shit out of that moon. And a lot of people in power, they'll build castles. They'll build, you know, these giant skyscrapers, all this kind of thing to show their power.

However, the Death Star isn't. So I would put to you that the Emperor builds the Death Star, makes it look like a moon because he is so power hungry. All he wants is ultimate power. And what is more powerful than the idea that, no, no, no, I don't want to fuck the moon. I want to be the thing That everyone is trying to fuck That's pretty good

That's a good power move Just like hey Everyone wants to fuck me Everyone wants to fuck me Regardless of anything Preferent Whatever Everyone

Me I'm going to park my Sentience I'm going to park my Want to fuck me My People in power Whatever they're going to build

They build like a giant statue Of themselves Not the emperor He just builds This death star This giant moon I'm going to build, they build a giant statue of themselves. Not the Emperor. He just builds this Death Star, this giant moon. He's going to be like, I'm going to park this above a shitty planet. I want all those little tribal people to look up at me like, I want to fuck that. It's really funny to imagine everybody, all of the rebels, kind of looking at it. It's like having this, just like, hmm.

People are like, Luke, what are you thinking about? I don't know. I just want to... I just kind of want to fuck the Death Star. Just get like this. I don't know. So if you look at the fuck the death she got like this i don't know so if you if you look at the emperor's throne room in particular yeah there's nothing going on there it's just the emperor there's no one else it's just him in a chair there's no one like like

scantily clad men women twi'leks yeah or boffins just there being like yeah that's true it's just him sitting there like with palm trees and fucking palm trees with an actual palm tree yeah just giving him great it's just him in a sterile room because not only does he want to be the one that's fucked i also think he's just got no sexual drive at all he's very asexual man i mean it seems like it seems like he kind of elderly man he's a very elderly maybe he just his penis no longer works in the prequels he even then he really wasn't buying first i think he replaced any of his lust with like for boning for lust with for power he's got a lust for life yeah exactly no death or death well life death it's really funny

that his throne room has nothing in it because it's funny to imagine him wanting something and having to get up himself and just be like like, Hello? He can use the Force. Yeah, but not for, like, to get a cup of coffee from the other room. I guess he could have some droids. Oh, he's very powerful. He might. Imagine trying to, like, work through the door.

Okay. Oh, thank God. Good, it's cold. I hope the Force Awakens reveals that the Force has just been a lie. All Force users just clever tricks of the light. Smoke and mirrors.

Sleight of hand. I think that would be the only thing that can make me as happy. Like, I'm very excited for this movie. And it comes out literally tonight. Well, tomorrow for us. Don't hype me up. Surprise, today's Tuesday, but you're listening and it's Wednesday.

What? That's the magic of cinema. It really is. So I reckon, yeah, that would be the emperor has built a Moongina as a sort of, not a phallic representation of himself, but basically more of a... A yonic. A yonic version of himself.

Yeah, I know my words. Or a sapphic. No, no, wait. Sapphic just means lesbian. Sapphic's the lady equivalent of homoerotic. My bad. Go on. So a yonic symbol to be like, subconsciously at least, I have more power over you because I don't want to try and fuck everyone.

You want me. You want me in charge because you want a piece of this. I mean, if you think about it the end of of of a new hope is very like he goes in there and fucks the shit out of it and then you know also adding to the second he wasn't expecting it he definitely wasn't yeah the second death father he still unfortunately it has to adhere to somewhat more phallic symbolism because he's in the giant spear the giant tower

that is on the top of the Death Star too and so he's on the top of that there isn't an Empress throne room in the first Death Star no but on the second one there is so he's got this giant moon giner with himself in the phallus why does the Emperor do that by the way because in the first Death Star blows up.

Why in the second Death Star is like, I'm going to put myself on this? Not a smart man. Just a basic idiot. Because they don't destroy any Star Destroyers. So two Death Stars blow up in the original trilogy. No Star Destroyers. Those were safe and solid.

Use them. Yeah, it is sort of weird to think I'm going to build the replica of something that the rebels was absolutely shat on. Like, with like two bullets, just took it down. Yeah, I know. So we're going to build a bigger one, and I'm going to be on there. It's kind of like the leader of an army being in the front line. Yeah, exactly.

That used to maybe work to maybe build up morale maybe he was like somebody fucked up the first time i gotta be here to properly police the troopers oh wait no isn't his move sorry i'm trying to oh he's trying to like seduce luke luke so all right just comes in like shirtless rose in his mouth with the robe yeah join the dark side luke looks like what the fuck is no it's like the emperor's like i'm i'm sort of done yeah because like i think the emperor's move is sort of that he knows he's gonna die does he i think the emperor must live forever isn't the point of the prequels to the emperor being like my master thought he'd live forever what a dick to sleep. Yeah, but he seems like he's mellowed out

since the prequels. Yeah, that's true. He doesn't seem to recall the prequels. No one does. Exactly. Everyone's like, hey, Vader, remember 18 years ago? He's like, no.

No, haven't I always just been a Vader? Oh, you don't like sand now. Sand to the super. Have you built a sand castle? Oh, I love it. Nah, I built a sand castle. He could build sand in his robot bits. Oh, God, he would too.

Gross. Oh, hang on a sec. Gabe is calling. Oh, what's up, Gabe? Answer the phone in the episode. Hey, Gabe, you're on speaker. In plumbing the Death Star. In plumbing the Death Star.

I'm on speaker in plumbing the Death Star. Yeah. What am I meant to say? I don't know. Why are you so echoey? What's up? Yes, you can. Gabe. Gabe.

Gabe. Gabe. Why is a Death Star spherical? Yeah, do you know? Yeah. Yes! That was my answer as well, but I just haven't said it yet. Maybe you stole it from Gabe.

No, I said it at the live show. Gabe stole it from me. You were there, Gabe. I was listening and not drinking at the time. Of course. Okay, I'll let you get back to it. I'll speak to you later. See you, Gabe.

Bye, Gabe. Bye. So like Gabe said, I have a theory also that I mentioned at the live show and didn't just steal from Gabe over the phone then. Yeah.

I think that the Death Star is spherical not because the Emperor wants everyone to fuck him, although that is a good theory. Just prove it, everybody. You can't. Not without asking the Emperor himself

and he'd be like, what the fuck? He'd be like What the fuck? He'd be like You know how everybody wants to fuck the moon? He's like Yes No That's what I was going for

He'll probably just shoot lightning I just imagine him getting really offended and confused And be like Why? I'm an elderly man This looks like your grandad Like he'd force choke me And then like

In his emperor's throne room He'd be thinking Is that what I want? Did I do that? Vader, come in here. Vader. Am I? Did I make the Death Star

because I subconsciously want to be fucked by everyone? Yes. That's why I keep you around. Damn. I do a terrible Vader voice. No, it's alright. That's alright then.

That's good. But you think it's a moon so it'll fool people? Well, I think that that was their original plan. They were like, look, if we make it spherical, there are so many moons kicking about in this universe. I'm like, oh, my God, Tatooine has two suns. Imagine how many moons it has. Probably like eight.

Yeah, true. Just the one. Just the one. There's no tides. Sand tides. Actually, maybe no moons. No no it's not how moons work wait is it? I don't know

no what the fuck no moons aren't controlled by the water you idiot no but moon controls the water yeah yeah

controls the tides yes but just because there's just because there's no water on Tatooine doesn't mean there's no moon I know I was being facetious

you jumped and went like, yes. Anyway. I like the idea of one moon though and two suns because that means that the moon would have just like crazy patterns going on because it'd be light from two sides. Oh, that'd be cool. You'd end up with a vagina shape at one point because it would be

like. Oh yeah, I see. And then the emperor would be like, that's what I'm going to design my Death Star off. That's why I did i did it anyway i think that they made the death star in hopes that it would be confused for a moon started building it because they had plans for it for like 20 years started building it like wait two things one it was 20 years in development wasn't it one people know how many moons they have people know how many moons they have quick question jack how many moons does earth have one and a secret one correct the old invisible moon it's got an eye on you and the counter moon but we like to call it i think that's actually a thing

people believe yeah there's a secret moon yeah good secret earth like counter earth or something yeah good not good anyway so yeah well you got one in a secret one but good I think it's a secret earth like counter earth or something yeah good nah good anyway so yeah well you got one and a secret one but you're saying I'm saying that yeah also I was like

I was thinking that oh maybe like like if spaceships are flying past I'm like oh that's just a moon like what happens with the Millennium Falcon ships would have a flight path

yeah yeah they would know you can't just how long does it take for the Millennium Falcon to be like hey hang on that's no moon

is it like 30 seconds? Yeah, pretty... No, Obi-Wan says it. It's a moon, and then everyone's like, that's no moon. Wait, does Obi-Wan say that? Yeah, I think so. How long does it take him? What, 30 seconds?

He's a force user, though. Pretty quick. Yeah, but that's just... That's not a force thing. That's just common sense. Han Solo is a terrible pilot, because he's like, it's a moon, and it's pulling us in with its gravitational pull.

There's definitely no spaceship in a tractor beam. And then, later on, when they get to Alderaan and it's blown up, he's like, he's just like, oh, we must be wrong. Everyone's like, oh, God. Han Solo's just like, no, it's probably not. Wait, no, does that

happen? Am I confusing it with a million other things? I'm writing fan fiction right now no because well i think the thing is though using it for doctor who when the earth goes missing and they're like there should be a planet here and the gravitational pull is still there but there's nothing i can't remember well does that happen to alderaan as well i don't know i think that might be doctor but you got to remember also that han solo just like space is big like there's a lot of it and a lot of planets in it so So, like, you wouldn't remember them all, really. But your ship should be programmed.

Yeah. To have a flight path. But his ship's like a junker. But you're right. And also, you should probably have a... A hunk of junk. A hunk of junk. But you should probably have, like, a map.

What a hunk of junk. Good impression. You're my father. No. I remember that. LucasArts, if you're looking for... LucasAid. LucasArts.

LucasAid, if you need a sponsor. I would make a great Luke Skywalker. Lucas Skywalker. He should at least have a map. He doesn't have a map, does he? No, but you never see it. He uses it, because when they're playing the chess... But no, he should at least have a map Like he doesn't have a map, does he? Like a star map Yeah I don't think he would have a star map No, but you never see it

No, he uses it Because when they're playing the chess Oh yeah, that's right So he has one So he should be like Let's just cross-check the map He seems like the kind of guy That I know where I'm going

I don't need a map I don't need GPS Don't tell me, it's fine Then like Luke and Leia and Chewie Is like maybe we should stop out In one direction Or in Chewie's case No I got this I know where I'm's case, he's like, no.

I know where I'm going, and then he's just going to end up, like, God. Miles away. It's basically confusing the map. Your co-pilot shouldn't be a dog. That's true. Chewie is flying that ship. He's flying it well. I would not trust Chewie. Like, as an aside, if I was on that

ship with their gang, like, if they'd picked me up in Cloud City, the guy was just buying some new shoes or whatever and i like came along like that city in my head is like a big shopping mall and i don't know what that's about but i would not trust you to fly because i'd be like he's a dog man i don't know what he's saying you know like would you trust chewy i feel like if you had a protocol droid you could that's true which you do because C-3PO is one but Pan didn't it depends what

my relationship and experience with Wookiees have been no you probably wouldn't see that many in your day to day I just realised that if we get a Han Solo prequel film

we're probably going to get Han Solo and Chewbacca meeting it's going to be trash it's going to be really gross me and Sam we're talking about this in the car fuck a Han Solo one Lando Calrissian prequel film.

Yeah, that'd be great. That'd be amazing. What was... Who is this fellow? What's his life been? You could have young Han Solo in it as well. Yeah, exactly. Well, you would, because you'd be like,

hey, remember that time you won the Millennium Falcon off me? Yeah, and that'd just be that one little cameo of young Han. Exactly. Nah, he would just be like a... Like a supporting cast? Yeah, he would just be supporting... Yeah, you could. Like, it's not that big a deal. God, I'd rather have him more of a cameo. Because, like, the thing is... No, it can't be like a... Like a supporting cast? Yeah, he would just be supporting... Yeah, you could. Like, it's not that big a deal.

God, I'd add in more of a cameo. Because, like, the thing is... No, it can't be a cameo, because if you have the Millennium Falcon part in it, because Han and Lando were friends, or at least know each other. I wouldn't put him as a supporting cast. I'd put him as, like, a quicksilver of

Days of Future Past, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like an extended cameo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the thing is, with a Han Solo film, I can tell you what's going to be in that film. He's going to make the Kessel Run. That's going to happen.

He's going to meet Chewie. He's going to get the Millennium Falcon. He'll probably get his blaster. That means you get Lando in it, though. Yeah, but like a brief Lando. But I know Han's backstory. I don't know shit about Lando. How does he end up at Cloud City?

Yeah, Lando seems like such, like he run a couple nightclubs in his time. Yeah, he seems like, Lando to me was always like the guy very wild, young and did some like questionably legal shit and then has been tied down by bureaucracy, which is what Cloud City is. And he's been like,

now working for the man. Exactly. Honestly, Lando's young rebelliously is. And maybe like in the weekend, secretly going out, maybe in like a wig. Yeah. Bigger cape. Fuck Lando had the best fashion sense.

Everybody else in Star Wars is like robes and tunics. Lando's like, fuck y'all, I'm wearing a blue cape. Lando's the best. He is. Anywho. Anyway, Lando aside. Yeah.

So the fuck, the death stuff. Moon being camouflaged. Is that plane? There it is. If you, anywho. Anyway, Lando aside, yeah, so the fuck, the death stuff. Moon being camouflaged. There's that plane. There it is. If you can hear that. We promised it. I don't think that checks out, really, because, yeah, you'd know the moon's in the air. Sorry, somehow the plane's getting louder. Is it landing? Is it gonna

land in your pool? She's gonna, like, this podcast cuts out as the plane smacks into us. The salmon's dying breath is uploading. Click. Gotta put an intro in our truck. Sands

Mets Radio, I'm dying. Um, but yeah. If you think that... Go to HelloFresh.com.au, enter coupon code CHUBBUP40, get $40 off your first box. If you think our dying breath is the worst, at least a dollar, head to Patreon.com. Also, just on Patreon, because we pop up now. We've figured that out.

You can use PayPal, it's great. I think it's a bad camouflage. Because again like what is your what is your next move if your next move is blowing it up you don't need camouflage oh my i just they should go to the size of a planet then blow up a planet then replace the planet that's great just like driving by in your spaceship and you're like that don't look fucking right just rocks all around it and then this planet's like what happened here like the laser winks if they blew up uh carossant carossant croissant croissant yeah if they blew that planet up because it's a metal planet yeah exactly it's all just one giant they

could hide there but like easily aside from like okay so shape aside yes what's the point of the death star to blow up a planet. Yeah, but it doesn't have any military significance. And don't you fucking come at me with your extended universe bullshit. But someone will. Fuck you, whoever that is. The only thing I can think of is for threatening planets. Yeah, it's good for threatening.

In terms of military, yeah it'll wipe out The rebel alliance Or any sympathizers however You're also probably going to kill a lot of imperial sympathizers It's not worth it Like think about one giant planet And if you're the governing body And everyone's like you haven't really hassled our shit You're fine

I would say more than 60% of the people Are probably going to be fine or complacent At least with the imperial army You probably going to be fine, or complacent at least, with the Imperial Army. You're going to get a very small percentage of... People who are like rebels. But then you're only going to get even a smaller number again of people who are going to actually take up arms against the Imperials. What you've got to think about it is, it's like this, right? Yeah.

World's ended. Zombies everywhere. You've got a small collection of survivors. Yeah. Some of them are rebels yeah yeah and you know maybe like two rebels and the rest might be rebel sympathizers and you have a gun yeah and it's like do you just go shooting everyone or do you find the rebels shoot the rebels and they're like okay yeah good you can do that with a rock you don't need a gun so yeah i think in terms of military strategy to, to kill everyone in one fell swoop of one

planet. It's just dumb. And that's a weird thing if you got... Because what if you had bad intel? Yeah. Or what if you were like, oh, there were resources on that planet I needed. Wait, you guys are completely zoned out for a second. Anyway, I'm back.

Hi. Alderaan. You're talking about why they blew it up? No, we're talking about why design something to just blow up planets. What's the purpose? What else does it do? That's a power play, because the Death Star has existed for a bit when A New Hope was around,

and they hadn't blown it up. First of all, it's their base. They could have a base anywhere. They could have a base on a planet. They could. It's a mobile base. That's good. That's why it could be spherical, because, what's the... It's a mobile base. That's good. I guess.

I guess that's why it could be spherical because then it could just latch into orbit on something and just go around. You can orbit not in a sphere.

It's not as good, but you can. It would mimic a moon. Yeah, that's true. And, like, the idea that they can blow up a planet is more, uh,

sort of like why nuclear weapons exist in real life. I get that, but then they use it and it's kind of dumb, but... No, they use it as...

They're just like, hey, Leia. Hey, Leia. Your family dead. Just kidding, your papa's still here. Him me. Him me, torturing your ass. Him me, hey, woo. Because it just seems that they had a torture droid and then they had an actual force user.

Did they really try to get the information out of Leia? Not really. They blew up Alderaan, which, again, from memory, Darth Vader's not there for us. I like to imagine he never signed off on it, was very mad, and someone got fired. But if that is... Yeah, for getting back to the military reason, that would be dumb for it, because, again... You don't want to destroy the thing you can use.

And then also, in terms of a a resource thing because that's apparently was we're talking to steel the other day apparently one of the big things that the imperials are doing which everyone hates is that they're just going from planet to planet mining the fuck out of it using the resources and just chuffing off so if you blow something up you can't mine it yeah yeah exactly it's gonna become a lot harder to you can't use its good bits imagine if instead of a death star it was like a death drill and it just like goes that would be awesome or like just like a uh what do you call it where it's just like the front is just like whirring blades and they just like a borer yeah and they just drive into the planet and collect all the good shit like a a sack at the back. Yeah. See, the thing is that does pretty much the same

as a giant laser at this point, because mining isn't just grinding something up. Yeah. Granted. And it's also not just driving a giant drill into something. But this is a giant borer, and we should have it all like contained. I'm assuming it would filter through.

It wouldn't be like, sick, we collected the rocks. All right, you, you, you, you, you, go look for gems i'm aware the the fucking empire's not looking for gems you know that a drill is to get into the ground to then mine yeah but like it doesn't do the mind you blow up the planet are you then like okay and we just like go around and we try and find chunks of earth floating in space that we can then... Chunks of coal, chunks of gold, chunks of iron ore. It's all right.

Just chuck out a net after you blow it up with a laser. Catch it all up. That's just my sack idea. Yeah. But I'm keeping the laser. He's stealing his sack. Also, like, the amount of power that it would take to fire the laser. Yeah, it takes a lot.

Like, it just doesn't seem worth it in the end. Yeah. Again, it's more of a, a hey we've done it once but it's more like why do you use it on hoth what do you mean why do they why didn't they use it yeah hoth they know where the rebels are they're like also you idiots think about oh it wasn't built yeah there was no death star plus luke's on hoth and he wants luke yeah again it doesn't matter about it doesn't there's no death star in the empire it doesn't matter about... There's no Death Star in the Empire Strikes Back. It doesn't exist.

Well, they've got a Star Destroyer. A couple of them shooting the planet. Surely. From orbit. Surely. Do you imagine when they fire the... Nah, let's just send metal donkeys down. Yeah.

Sick move. Well, it works. They win the battle a lot. Don't design a weapon machine that can get tripped. Well, to be fair... Just saying. Again, like, doesn't matter that they win.

What's that weird creepy thing that we built in the military? Not we personally. Oh, like the plumbing boys created for the US Army.

Big dog? Yeah, big dog. Like that, that's much better than fucking Because that's small scale and works and they don't use it

to fight people. Although it could. Can you imagine that fucking big double ramming sometimes? Well, the thing is the AT-STs can't be tripped as easily, which is the two, like...

But I could kill one of them with dynamite. Yeah, that's the thing. Well, that's the thing. Hang on a second. No, you can't kill it. You can destroy it. It's nonsense. You can murder it.

Well, the thing is, like, AT-STs can be destroyed by, like, just blast, well, ship blasts and fire and whatever, but AT-ATs can't, and I guess they're just like, whatever, because they're really clunky. That's why they're, they're like tanks. Yeah, but they're not. A tank would have been better, because it would have had treads. So, okay, let's talk, no, no, no, shut the fuck up, boys. Let's talk about this.

Where are the guns on the AT-ATs? It's head. Head. Okay. Next to its little... What else can, so, you got the head, okay, it's, what's the benefit of having the guns on the Ati Atis? It's head. Okay. Next to its little... What else can... So, you got the head. Okay.

What's the benefit of having the guns there and not all over the thing? What's the benefit of having anything else other than the head? What's the benefit of not making it just a ship? Why? What do they get out of making it a big donkey? It's good. Like, it can't go over terrain better yeah because you can probably walk up hills better oh you know what else goes up hills good is spaceships

an x-wing that might be too heavy to fly no it wouldn't be if it was just the head the head was roughly the same size as all of the other fucking ships no but like at at is really really really heavy that's why it walks so slow that's because it's got a fucking body i'm just saying get the head pop that shit off but that hair like that around you made a dumb hand just flying the head like it's gonna be like it's flying like a ufo but spinning so everyone's getting motion sickness. Yeah.

Good. Exactly. So I don't see the point of the AT. I don't see the military benefit there. I would think a tank would be fine. No, a tank can be commandeered. A snow speeder. Yeah, a snow speeder works good. Again.

An AT&T could also easily be commandeered. It happens all the time in Rebels. Yeah. All the goddamn time. We need to stop calling AT-ATs AT&Ts. Nah, I like calling them AT&Ts. AT&T.

That's good. If I got behind one, like, I'm good. He can't see behind it. I feel like there might be more guns on it now that I'm thinking about it. What about its turning circle? It's bad. It's bad. If I'm, like, sitting on the top, like, on its head, it's like, shit. Okay, Jackson, so you...

Yes, me. You think you... Also, it's not it. It's people controlling the ship. It's not like an actual donkey playing back. It's not an actual donkey. But even if I was on the top, I mean, how cool would that fight be? Like, let's talk about that. Fighting on top

of a... Like the donkey head just moving around. Yeah, and there's like two guys fighting with lightsabers on the head, on the noggin. That's sick. I have a satellite dish on my roof and I had no idea. Makes sense, but didn't know it was there. Anyway. Good. Doucher, finding out things about his house. Learning a new thing every day. That's what I get for not going outside ever.

No, but like... I have a pool? I'm a sweaty baby. Yeah pool yeah same it's hot it's hot today i'm down to just a shirt and t-shirt and pants and jeans um no but like yeah the turnings like if you got on top of one yeah like how are you getting on top of one fly uh whatever they're flying in the snow fight snow speederowspeeder over the top jump out with a parachute like it was fucking world war one or two but you know what else

force jump up yeah force jump up does Luke put oh fuck I can't remember what about if Luke right with a lightsaber

what the hell anyone got a lightsaber just walked up next to a fucking 80 and 80 yeah that better do sure you happy now

80 and 80. Yeah. That better do, Sean. You happy now? 80 and 80? Yes. 80-80. And then just got, like, a lightsaber. Cut its leg off? No, a foot. Yeah. That'd be alright.

It'd just be like, pfft, crash. It's the benefit of the 80 and 80 that if it crashes, it kills a lot of people. Like, the aim is that you just walk until you hit a rebel base and fall over on it. It's kind of like a Trojan horse, but filled with dynamite. Even the little walkie-doos that they use on Endor are trash, too.

AT-STs. AT-STs. Because if I just, like, put a rope down, it's like trips. It's worse, even. Well, no, the two of you, like, put a rope down, it's like trips. It's worse, even. Well, no, the two of you ones... They get hit by trees and they're down. I also love that they're like, okay, so we're in swampy, difficult terrain.

Okay. Who's saying that word wrong? Terrain? Terrain? I'm saying terrain for some reason. It's terrain. Swampy, difficult terrain. Yeah.

Okay. With a lot of sticks, a lot of... It's not a swamp. It's a forest. Swampy, difficult terrain okay with a lot of sticks a lot of it's not a swamp it's a forest swampy difficult terrain it's not a swampy place but it's a forest it's full of logs

it's full of like difficult to move over things they're like yeah just walky things that can get stuck not just like treads wheels

no wheels are just as bad yeah but tanks with treads would be fine yeah did just no one invent treads in the style no because the slave businesses on uh tatooine have some the javas have it yeah that's what he means the um what are they called the big slave like weird oh you know what are they called they're

like that they're called sand something sand crawler sand crawler i want to call them sand crawlers yeah yeah they've got treads yeah so like maybe it's because like they use them they're like fucking java tech java's keep their hidden well i think in endor there is a thing that they use that is far more silly scout bikes they go rad they are they go way good on the salt plains i love that they just go so fast it's like they have one speed imagine just like it on imagine just like testing it in like inside the death star like a big flat area and they're like okay hop on press go and they're like does it turn up they're like no it's it's zero to 101 if that's their base as we established at the very start of this episode, it's almost an empty warehouse. Yeah, it's white.

This could be why they're just so fucking moronic when it comes to designing all their military technology. Because they're designing it in a giant warehouse where there's just, like, fields of open space. So they just... Imagine living there. Because if you're living on that Imagine living there because if you're living on that base, I'm guessing you're living there for a while.

Yeah. Like you just wouldn't be thinking of terrain because you'd be like, yeah, every fight is in this open warehouse because that's all I know.

Exactly. Even if it wasn't consciously, it would be subconsciously and so you're designing because I think in an open field, like on a football field,

a scout bike... Oh, amazing. A metal donkey, it's great. Oh, amazing. A metal donkey, ah, it's fine, level ground. And a metal donkey, or metal kangaroo, really, also good.

Yeah. It certainly makes sense that they use a lot of it for testing. It's so big, you could fucking test a ship in there. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Yeah, like you could just fly around on the inside. They've probably got a giant speeder bike, like tracks. Like track that they do races in. It's really funny to imagine somebody breaking through the Death Star, like the surface, and it just opens in this huge empty warehouse, and they're like, there's nothing in here.

This is hollow as fuck. It's not even solid. I think that might be a way, even subconsciously, in terms of designing all these military vehicles, is because they've got so much space to work with they're not thinking about well we're going to be on a snow planet we're going to be on a forest planet we're going to be on a desert planet plus like same thing with why the stormtroopers are always in white it's like they blend into the death star

also like you have so many different terrains i said it right that time that like you probably just wouldn't be able to design like with Endor right like they have other things that would have maybe been better for Endor

but it seems like they were like look this is what we've got available chuck it down and hope it works because if they've got the Death Tyrant production for like 20 years

and nothing really changed since from first design to finished product it seems that they're like a very like they're stickler for the first option. They're like, no, this is what we're doing.

So they've probably been like, yep, good. We're just going to design a bunch of this and run with it. I like to imagine when they designed the AT-ST, like they had the AT-80, and it's just like a blueprint of it. And someone's like, we need something for closer to the ground, you know, like close combat.

Somebody's just like, hold on, picks up the blueprint just like tears it in half holds up the back end there you go there you go genius problem solved we did it again what other terrible like equipment do they use like i'm trying to think of the other vehicles and stuff they use in the Star Wars films. The one thing I'm very confused about is how Stormtroopers have such terrible aim. Because they're not...

They only battle the Rebels, so really they should have plenty of time to practice their shot. What was the first ship where C-3PO and R2 get ejected from? Yeah, that ship. The rebel ship.

Yeah, they slaughter all the rebels on that with ease. All the stormtroopers. I like to think it's a... Oh, no, I was going to say that it's because they're clones, but they're not clones anymore, are they? Is it the theory that they don't want to shoot them?

No, I was imagining just they were clones and the more clones they got, the worse they got overall. If you took off their helmets, they're all wrong. Like Multiplity? Yeah, that film. It gets worse and worse and worse until it's like,

okay, cloning was a bad idea. A clone of a clone is not good. Don't clone clones. Brains go wrong. Well, there's that theory that because the Emperor and Darth wanted Luke in that. Oh, yeah, they got them to just not shoot them.

It's plot armor. Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, that's basically why. That's a bad theory. It is, though. I also like to assume that, like, maybe they just didn't get...

Like, it seems like there's this miscommunication between the ruling body of the Death Star and the Empire and, like, the ground forces. It seems like there's no middle ground, because you get the Emperor up there, he's like, I've got my plans, and then you have everybody else designing these dumb fuck weapons. Nobody's got any training.

Metal donkeys. Metal donkeys. It's like nobody got any military training. They're like, nobody taught us how to shoot. It's like you've got idiots training idiots, being like, try and hit that target. And someone's like, boo, boo, boo. They're like, you got close.

I was watching one episode of Rebels I can remember is when Ira, little kid, he infiltrates a stormtrooper training things. And they've got one training exercise and it's to jump from moving platform to moving platform. Why? That doesn't help you at all. Just in case someone turns off all the bridges.

Oh, of course. But yeah, you're right. Maybe it's just like, let's just throw fucking gymnastic hula hoops at them and see what happens. Yeah. Nothing. Some troopers are not very able.

One hits the head. Exactly. It's like, what was that misc... I guess it's just that... Well, I guess they're a giant, giant, giant army and the rebels have like like, 50 guys. Yeah, so those guys are going to get better trained. Yeah.

You know? It's also more just like they're probably like, well, 100,000 stormtroopers are probably going to be able to kill 50 guys. Well, the stormtroopers are basically small fish in a giant pond, whereas the rebels are giant fish in a small pond. That's true.

So, let me out. That's what they're saying. That's that big fish in a small pond. That's true. Let me out. That's what they're saying. That's that big fish in a small pond. You're like, I should get out. Own each step with Peloton. From their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner. Whatever your level, embrace it. Journey starts when you say so.

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onepeloton.ca slash running. This is bad fish ownership. And then that's why they take off on me. Bad fish feng shui. Shut the fuck up. And on that note,

I've been Joel Duscha. I've been Jackson. I've been Joel Zammert. We don't usually say full names I realized when I said douche I was like this feels wrong we've given you three options as to why the Death Star

is a sphere, none of them terribly satisfactory hope you have a good evening if you have any idea why the Death Star is a sphere let us know, email us in sanspanchradio at gmail.com or tweet us so tonight, Force Awakens enjoy, go out, midnight screening Let us know. Email us in. Sandspanishradio at gmail.com. Tweet us. At Sandspanishradio.

So tonight, Force Awakens. Enjoy. Go out. Midnight screening. Tomorrow. Have a good time. Or like maybe at 4am. There'll be another podcast of what we thought of it.

Stay up. Spoiler heavy. Full. Only spoilers. Only spoilers. So here's a warning for tomorrow's episode. We will warn you at the start of tomorrow's episode as well. But we're warning you at the end of this episode as well.

Because it's only going to be spoilers. We're going to talk about the end of the film and that's it. Straight up. We're going to be like, who knew that Landau Karizian fathered everybody in that film? Like, seriously, everyone. It was pretty surprising that this was also a prequel. Who knew?

Anyway, enjoy The Force Awakens. Or don't. I'm not the boss of you and the movie could be trash. Goodbye. Champions. Absolute dynamite heroes. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account?

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