Plumbing the Death Star - Why is Xavier in a Wheel Chair?

Episode Date: August 7, 2014

In which our heroes strap on Cerebro and try to decipher why Xavier still can’t walk. We look at the benefits of being a cripple, the lengths Xavier goes to distract everyone from his bald shame and bring into question the many, many times something awful has happened to his legs. It’s a quick walk through the Marvel Universe as we offer solution after solution that Xavier will have none of. Zammit wants to know why Elixir doesn’t offer a hand, Jackson rifles through the storeroom at the x-mansion to find Xavier’s exoskeleton and Duscher recites some of Scott Summer’s beautiful poetry. Guess it’s time to admit that Charles is a jerk and to go join the Brotherhood. Magneto was right. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pants Radio. Duck. Duck. Duck. Goose! Hey there guys and welcome to another episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, why is Charles Xavier in a wheelchair? My issue with Xavier, and I know that really to describe Xavier is, I would say, a part-time

handicapped, because he's not always in a wheelchair. He has had his legs repaired, I guess at least, I think, three times in the comic book history. What keeps happening to them? Alright, so first time, he gets a large

stone slab just crushed on him by the evil alien called lucifer funny good uh the second time is he gets a brood egg like a big alien insect thing and it implants an egg and so they just kill his body and they're like thankfully we cloned his body and we're going to put his mind in it uh-huh and then he's like, nah, it's psychosomatic, I can't walk. So he can. Nah, nah, it's psychosomatic, I can't walk. So he has the body he currently has.

Nah, nah, I can't walk, it's in my head. But yes, and so eventually he learns how to walk again, but then the Shadow King's like, oh, oh, oh, I'm just going to break your spine again. Why don't we just keep cloning him? Why don't we just clone him a billion times, and then it's not a stress, it's like, oh, oh, oh, I'm just going to break your spine again. Why don't we just keep cloning him? Why don't we just clone him a billion times and then it's not a stress? It's like, oh, what? Another awful thing happened to your

legs, Charles? Don't worry. That's the only awful thing that ever happens to him. He's just like walking down the street and his legs just break. It's like, oh god, I can't walk anymore. It's like the third time it happened, somebody's like, no God, I can't walk anymore. It's like the third time it happens.

Somebody's like, notice nothing ever happens to your arms. It's always in that lower back region. When was the last time you cracked a rib? Just out of curiosity. It's always this perfect paraplegic. You're never quadriplegic. It's always just perfectly just your legs. Imagine if Charles' legs got crushed. Wait, did he just tool around with gross, mangled legs for a while?

Just have a blanket on them? Yuck. It was a large slab. They'd be flat. You would probably cut them off at the knee. It would make sense. Stumps Xavier. And then he got, like, almost assassinated by Strife,

who's a clone of Cable. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. And he got the techno-organic virus for a while, and that was like, you can walk for a little bit, but then he's like, probably, oh, thank Christ,

that wore off, and now I'm a cripple again. And then the last time, I think it was with Scarlet Witch going like, I'm reshaping the world again, and by the way, Charles, you can walk again, but you can't read minds. And he's like, oh, I'm reshaping the world again, and by the way, Charles, you can walk again, but you can't read minds.

And he's like, ah, fuck. And then he eventually gets killed. You'd think by this point, though, when Scarlet Witch is remaking the world, she'd be like, I don't think Xavier likes his legs. But she wanted to punish him a little bit. That's why. She's like, fuck you, you can walk, but you can't read minds.

If you want to be a cripple, this is how you're a cripple. I think if we want to find out why Charles Xavier is still in a wheelchair, we have to ask a very important question. What are the benefits of being crippled? Attention. I think it's just attention. Attention. Also, it draws the fact away from the fact that he's bald.

He's self-conscious about his baldness? Yeah. Because he went bald at a very young age. And you can imagine Wolverine coming in and being like, hey, Chrome Dome, and him just like

having a secret tear. But now, someone comes in and goes through and salts his bald head and then feels bad because he can't walk. Yeah, hey, Chrome Dome,

I'm crippled. Sorry, wheels. Yeah, well, Wolverine wouldn't care, but Wolverine's a dick. So, but, what I love love about every time he's actually gotten to be able to walk, it's never been Xavier's choice. It's always been someone else's, like,

oh, man, Xavier's dying, so we're going to put him in a clone bod, and he's like, ah. Yeah, because, like Dusha says, the moment he's walking, right, everyone's like, hey, he's bald. Charles, you baldules you fuck yeah exactly and it's like oh gee and then he sees a fallen slab of concrete he's like here's my chance i reckon it was charlie boy's back yeah he's out there in the field like fucking everyone's my bald head but hey the shadow king's back maybe if i kind of convince him to just be just

just get in the way of getting away of some sort of large folding material, I can crush my back. But, you know, I guess he still has to be in a wheelchair. It's going to be like living in the Marvel Universe. Surely fucking Iron Man's like, you want some Xavier walking armour? And he does have that at one stage.

He does have an exoskeleton enabling him to walk around. What the hell happened? Because he just doesn't get used to it. The best part about that is that either Charles Xavier just put it in storage somewhere in the mansion and like with the wiffle bats and baseballs that's just gathering dusk of fucking

Xavier armor or he returned it. Yeah. Which would have been like, you know. He stole it from a government facility, which is even better. Why? Why would he steal it and then not use it? Why did the government facility have it? Was Tony Stark like,

look, I've got this armour for Charles Xavier, but fuck that bald piece of shit. You keep it here. No one touch this This is not for him This is on display only I won't even put wheelchair access here Why did you make this Tony?

I'm an irrational person I drink I hate you so much Guys I'm an alcoholic You've got Tony Stark doing that You've got like Forge Not at all Forge is like a mutant

who can do all this wonderful bullshit with technology and build shit like that. And he himself has a metal leg. So at one stage he has lost his leg and he's built his own metal one. Can you imagine if Xavier had metal legs? It'd be bald jokes from morn

till dusk. You're not getting away with it then. Chrome legs. Is Xavier hairless everywhere? Does he have a thick pube mount? He'd probably have a thick pube mount. But a useless penis, presumably. Oh, really?

That's why he went bald really early. His mind is too powerful. The hair just couldn't handle it. No. None of this. Because he doesn't have a beard either. I'd love to see him with a luscious beard. Upside down face. Upside down face.

I would love Xavier with an upside down face. You know why he can't have upside down face? Upside down face is universal symbol for bad guy. Yeah, it is. But Xavier is a bad guy. He's a bad guy, but he's not a bad guy yeah it is but xavier is a is a bad guy he's a bad guy but he's not a bad guy he's a jerk yeah but if i was captain america no iron man listing all the villains in a civil war that's true oh he's not being listed yeah he's not there he's what about a goatee because

his goatee can be true what what what handlebar mustache what what mustache or beard can Xavier grow? Because he's a jerk, but he's not evil. No, a handlebar mustache, because it's kind of like a bit rustic, you know? It makes him seem a bit rugged, which I'm sure Xavier was lacking for a lot of his life. He just rolls into a biker bar, everyone looks at him,

and then he just goes back to their drinks because he's got a mustache. Yeah, he's got a mustache. He's part of that kind of crew now. He's got a chromey dome just strutted in there. No moustache. Bald face. Face like a baby's arse.

Get out. Somebody just punches him in the stomach. Where's your ID? Where's your ID? You're probably 14. Punch him in the spine and he can't walk again. He'd be like, it's happened again. I'm so happy.

Hooray for me. I think we have a better question. Why doesn't Xavier wear a wig? If he's so ashamed of his bald head, why is he not like, Toupee, no one will know the difference. Or even just be like, I'm going to keep this up 24-7. I'm going to implant hair into, like, where everyone looks at me, luscious locks.

I love that, like, the idea of him thinking about that, like, down the track, and, like, he's in the mansion, and he just does it one day. And, like, fucking Cyclops coming in and being like... Last night, you were hairless, Xavier. Charles, this is... Don't know what you mean. No, Charles, you've been bald all my life. Don't think so.

Haven't you? Always had long, orange hair. Look at these pictures that we... No, you've got hair in them. Yes, no. This is who I am. Look at this. Growed a beard.

I'm pretty spectacular. I don't know who was bald. I would probably call them a chrome-headed fuck. Probably my asshole brother, Marco, that bald fuck. I think maybe you've been seeing Marco around. No, I'm Xavier. I'm the cool one. Look at my no legs.

I have no legs. What about that? There has to have been conversations. Just in the X-Men alone, you have Elixir, who is sort of a new mutant, who is an Omega-level being the most powerful mutant. She's a good mutant. So he's like a Mega-level healer. You've also got Warren Worthington Angel,

who at one time, if he gave you a blood transfusion and you weren't Nightcrawler, you would heal up. Like, you would be instantly cured of shit. I like it because it stopped his angel healing blood, did it? Who knows? They just went, let's just forget about this. No, hang on. So it doesn't heal Nightcrawler.

No, Nightcrawler burns. Yeah. Because Nightcrawler was a demon. Suck a dick, Nightcrawler. And Angel is an angel. That's a clever name. Because of writing. But yes, it burnt

Nightcrawler. So yeah, presumably Elixir is offered. Presumably at some point, she's knocked on his door and been like... Guys, actually, we've been approaching this all wrong. What if Charles can walk, but he's just imprinting to everyone that he's a cripple, just so people

like, okay, sometimes he's kind of a dick, but he's got a broken spine. Dude's in a wheelchair. Can't be hating a cripple. Yeah, Scott's like, sure, he sent my missing third brother onto a mission where he died outright

and just made me forget he completely existed and just wiped that from my memory, but he's in a wheelchair so guys are gonna get angry at him. He's faked his death at least four times and we've all been so sad. It's not, you know, he's not the kind of guy that is morally above doing that.

That's true. He'd be happy to. Like, he's probably... i think he's a pathological liar as well like yeah they're tight when they're very like first issues like come gene gray look at my x-men oh why is it x-men because of xavier no no because you have an extra power and therefore you're an x-man extra extra man x-man charles xavier man clearly Clearly it's about you Charles So I think from a very early on He was just lying about everything

So everyone sees him just rolling down the hallway Really slow but in reality he's just strutting Having the best time In great shape Awesome shape Hair? He's even got fucking hair The thing about Xavier is he can have like fucking

anything going on Like fucking sentinels attacking the mansion, they're like, he's perfectly capable I've been willed, sir, you do Carry me Wolverine, I'm going to climb on your back, hold on, hold still

Alright Okay, go Are sentinels even attacking the place or is it like, I need some You're back. Hold on. Hold still. Yep. All right. Okay, go! But are Sentinels even attacking the place? Or is it like, I need some me time. I'm going to think Sentinels are attacking the place. X-Men, fuck off. I need to roll up, run around the bench. To keep in great shape.

I, you know, like, he's that kind of dude. Wouldn't surprise me. So, really, I mean, the comics paint Magneto as a fuck. Yeah. Lovely chap. Yeah, probably the nicest guy. He comes up and he's like, hey, guys, there's a sale on fucking shorts. Everybody comes along.

But Xavier's like, and he he's like I will destroy you why? I just wanted to get some rad shorts I don't know why I chose shorts also he's a holocaust survivor

I know of course he's gonna be a little bit unhappy why is nobody like he was in the holocaust fair enough instead everyone's

just got their energy being like Charles Xavier faked his death 14 times killed many of us by accident there was a moment there was a moment where the scrolls were invading yeah and everyone was like we don't know who the scrolls is there could be it could be like one of us yeah and like at this point like wolverine is dead yeah and so beast

and someone's doing an autopsy on that and so xavier's like i know what I'll do. I'm going to put everyone against each other in their mind, think that they're killing each other to see who the Skrull is. Everyone isn't. It's Wolverine. If you waited 15 minutes for Beast to come down and be like... Everybody needs to eviscerate one another. Yeah, it's Wolverine. Everyone needs to basically eviscerate everyone and be like,

you just put us through so much trauma. But he's on lot of whim. Like, whatever. It was a good idea at the time. The thing is, you didn't actually kill each other. You guys don't get that, right? It was just in your mind. And he's like, I've lost my powers. X-Men

protect me. By the way, I didn't. It was a goof. What a fucking dick. But bring it, like, Magneto. It was a goof. What a fucking dick. But bring it like Magneto. It is so surprising and bizarre that everybody forgives Xavier because he's a cripple. And that's it. Yeah.

He had a pretty fine childhood for the most part. He's just crippled. Nah, he meant Marco were beaten by the father. Yeah, but that wasn't the Holocaust. That's true. It wasn't. Good point. Magno's in the goddamn holocaust and like he's probably over segregation at that point which is the whole reason why

brotherhood of mutants like none of this humans being weird about us we are people too yeah yeah but no but it goes about it the wrong way slightly charles xavier goes about everything the wrong way yeah everything i don't even know what Charles Xavier wants. Yeah, because Magneto's all up front and be like, I'm a mutant. We need mutant rights. Where Xavier is like, mutant should have rights, but I'm not a mutant.

He's like, I'm just a bald man in a cripple. Please take pity on me. Let's not. Let's be secretive and strange and stay away from the public. But if something attacks or something goes wrong, let's make sure we're there. Yeah. So that we might be able to be... In matching suits.

Yeah. I've designed some outfits. It's going to be great. Yeah. You know, that's fucking Magneto. He's like, dress how you want. Yeah. Blob, you've got that whole fucking...

Wrestler thing going on? That's cool. Good for me. Magneto sounds like the best boss. As an aside, at one stage, Magneto funded his whole operation by Nazi gold. That's awesome. That's great.

Xavier went up against Baron von Strucker, and he's got a whole crate of Nazi gold, and Magneto's like, oh, oh, oh, mine. But that's legit. Magneto should be paid reparations. I like to imagine, because Magneto can control metal gold is a metal he just like lifted up all the Nazi gold

and then rode it out of the castle like a skateboard or like cowboy style I'm pretty sure that's what he did let's just assume that pretty reasonable aside again I just said Silver Surfer and just realised he is the most

fucking dumb thing ever, and everyone needs to know that. Back to Xavier. Is Silver Surfer made of silver? Who knows? Could Magneto just be like... Galactus made him silver.

So he's not pure silver and a man. He was a man called Nomad Rat or something. I don't know. Who cares? Oh, I really hope his name's Nomad Rat. No, it's like something rat. Anyway, back to Xavier.

Are there any other cripples in the Marvel Universe? Anybody on crutches? Do you reckon if Charles Xavier was on crutches, people would be as sympathetic? I don't. I wouldn't. Everyone would just trip him over. Not every... Bold-headed fuck.

Every X-Man that has any sort of injury has always been better. They've either got elixir to help heal them, they've even got Warren's blood, or just gone to a hospital. What? There is no other... What the hell is Xavier saying when people are offering him? What excuse?

You be Xavier. I'll be... I don't know. Be Elixir, whatever. No, no, Wolverine just knocking on your door. No, be Elixir. I'll be the doctor that's suggesting this. I'll be like, alright.

So, Charles. Yes. Welcome to the clinic. Thank you. I'm here with Elixir who... Hello. I feel like we've come a long way in medicine, really. I'll just concentrate the chase because I'm really excited.

You don't need to be a cripple anymore. Oh, is that so? Yeah, it's my mutant power. The cuckoos, they implanted the beast of biological bullshit. Don't know what a cuckoo is. And so I know everything about medicine. I can heal. I can heal you.

How great is that? I've been speaking to this doctor. He's informed me about medicine even more. Like, is it, should we? What do you mean, should we? Is that messing with, you know, like, nature? Like, are we playing God a little bit here? But nature intended you to walk.

Yeah, but, you know, it's all part of God's plan. I think that it's probably best. It takes me to lay my hands on you, and I've cured, like, eight guys already today. I didn't have an arm earlier this morning, and look at me now. Yeah, good arm. They are so happy. you should see them dancing

in the wards I feel so good about being a mutant now get just like go to the bathroom um do you need help with that no I'm perfectly capable I mean look I can heal you and you can just go to the bathroom without having to

I lose my mind powers and make them forget they ever knew me. Take to the lamb. Because, like, I was struggling then to come up with an excuse that is reasonable. Because there's not one. It would have to just be deflection. It would have to be

just... It's just like, look, what's that? Or just Scott coming in. Hey, Elixir's downstairs ready to heal you. I've got work to do. Couldn't Elixir heal Scott as well? Nah. Is Scott injured? Yeah, he's not injured.

Nah. Laser eyes. I wish that was an injury you could get. That's the byproduct of his powers. Yeah. If Scott had cancer, sure. But no. Nah, Scott's power's dumb.

Cyclops, shit. Yeah. The worst. Okay, cool. Laser eyes, cool. but no Scott's power's dumb Cyclops shit yeah the worst okay cool laser eyes cool if I if someone's like

I've got a cure for your laser eyes I'd be like that's good I can look at people now great is everything red yeah

that sucks which is weird because he's always going for like redheads that's his jam he loves his redheads that is odd but

everyone's a redhead to him so really everyone's a redhead to him, so really. Everyone's a red to everything for him. Weird. Surely he wouldn't even be able to see outlines. What a fuck. What a piece of shit. Scott Summers, fuck you.

Is this like, yeah, it's like gradients of red. Yeah, like, yeah. How does he know what's happening? Roses are red, violets are red, everything's red. Red. I'm Scott Summers. Fuck you. No, but. Because there's been studies on how basically blind yeah like at the end of the day how because it wouldn't even be gradients of red it's all that one red color yeah well and there's also there's been studies where um like the color you see the

colors around you affect how you like uh are and he's always hungry for McDonald's. And blue is meant to be creative, red is meant to be sort of more focused, or that kind of stuff. And hungry. Red makes you hungry. Yeah, red and yellow. Don't squint at me, douche. Why do you think Hungry Jack's is red and yellow coloured? Because they like red and yellow?

I don't even think they are red and yellow, I think that's McDonald's. Whatever, Hungry Jack's is orange and yellow. Actually, all fast foods pretty much red. KFC, red, McDonald's, Whatever, Hungry Jack's is orange and yellow. Actually, all fast foods, pretty much red. KFC, red. McDonald's, red. Hungry Jack's, red. It's because it makes you hungry. Red Rooster.

I'm looking at you in your red plaid and your red jeans, and I'm starving. I had Subway. I want to eat you. There you go. Point is, Professor Xavier, I still don't think I have a valid reason for his remaining crippled. Even if he didn't want to be laid on hands healed, he still has the ability to go to iron man forge that exosuit that is just gathering

dust in his closets it's just attention like it must just be the attention the shine away from his bald head he doesn't want to be mocked for that but like that they're the only reasonable explanation so i think we can all just come to the conclusion, Charles Xavier, number one fuck. Yeah. Charles Xavier, Kitty Pryde was right. Charles Xavier is a jerk. He's the worst.

Worst guy. Number one jerk. What a dick. Bad guy. Worst cripple in comics. It makes me hate cripples generally now. Professor Xavier made me hate cripples. I'm going to go join the Brotherhood of the Mutants now.

I'm not a mutant, so I'm not going to be let in. I'm going to be a friend of the mutants. There's a good chance that McNeil will kill me. But I'm okay with that. I'm just going to try and avoid the whole mess. Yeah, he's going to move somewhere else. Kentucky. Yeah, grow some hair.

Yeah. Be nice. So anyway, I've been Joel. I've also been Joel. I've been Jack. Charles Xavier Number one dick Such a jerk

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