Plumbing the Death Star - Why isn't Nightcrawler Fat?

Episode Date: March 23, 2015

In which our heroes open the fridge, consider exercise, and decide teleportation is much easier. We discuss Joel Duscher’s patented Mutant Bird Theory, the X-Mansion patented Food-Ball, and how unlike a school Xavier's School for Gifted Students really is. Jackson can't imagine Scott Summers stopping in for a sneaky Maccas run, Zammit discovers he smoked cigarettes wrong, and Duscher decides to educate the gang on the nature of antibiotics. So turn the Danger Room into a gym, pluck an apple from Xavier’s orchard, and try not to turn your mutant powers into a crutch. It’s time to save the world and there’s no short cuts when the stakes are this high.Want to help Xavier cut down on his food bill? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help provide some financial relief for a man in wheelchair that just wants to do good.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least seven books about forming healthy habits when you’re superpowered. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SansPantsRadio, it's what she would have wanted. Got any compliments for us? Email us at sanspantsradio at gmail dot com and we promise to reply. For everything else, including links to our other shows, our Twitter, or our Patreon account, head to sanspantsradio dot com. Hey guys, and welcome to another episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like, why is a nightcrawler fat? We've asked important questions like, why is a Nightcrawler fat?

Like, seriously, he can teleport. Why is he just not teleporting everywhere? Why aren't a lot of mutants fat, I think is the question. Well, I have a, this might ruin the episode straight off the bat, but I have a fairly straightforward answer to why Nightcrawler probably isn't fat. Please. So, when you see birds and stuff, they're always kind of...

Okay! Yeah, let's go! So when you see birds and shit, they're flying, and you're like, birds aren't fat, because flying is a movement, so it's an exercise. Teleporting might be a similar thing.

So you're telling me that... Teleporting burns energy? Yeah. Expenditure of a mutant power is calories. Yes. So you're telling me that the more Nightcrawler teleports, the more tired... The more he has to eat. Well, no, not necessarily calories. Nightcrawler just dropping through with a big fucking

pizza pie. As a little side thing, then if we're going for that argument, say with Storm, creating a bolt of lightning, a bolt of lightning is worth X amount of calories. Energy. Energy. Their food bowl, like food bill, not food bowl. Maybe we should make a food bowl.

The food bowl would be very big. The Axe Mansion's food bowl. Where every mutant goes to just chow down between lessons. They would have to eat a lot. So if a mutant power is causing energy expenditure... What about mutant powers that are always happening? Yeah.

Like that guy who is bees. Is he just constantly like, oh my god, I'm so tired. Nazi bee man, has he just been like, I need to eat. Is he constantly hungry and asleep?

Is he just going to black out eventually from being bees too long? So if Nightcrawler teleports 3Ks, is that the equivalent of Nightcrawler running 3Ks? And then if so, then yeah, he needs to eat like a fuckton. Alright, yeah, okay, I'll concede. He's not fat, but he's going to be hungry.

I think that Joel Dusha mutant bird theory has some flaws. Like, that means that every time fucking Colossus got metal, he'd have to have a sandwich I'm not necessarily Like it's not like every time you exercise or you walk You have to eat a sandwich No but if they're burning a lot of energy I can't imagine that

I never said heaps of energy I can't imagine if you're teleporting like a long distance Or at least multiple times That that's not going to require like any kind of like eating snack Does that mean after the end of a mutant adventure where they're all out attacking Sentinels or what the fuck ever, they come back to the X-Mansion for a huge feast to just refuel? I don't know.

I reckon what they would do would be a gallon of protein shakes. Think of Xavier, how much money they have. I think he'd try and do it the cheapest. Right next to the food bowl is a giant fucking tank of protein shakes of protein like milkshakes just a thick shake kind of dispensary like a huge tank with lots of teats on it while the mutants just come up and suckling away this is a very disturbing version of the expansion like every bite into the food bowl have a suckle on the shake teat like every every single like uh uh like every single milkshake is worth like a thousand calories kind of shit.

That's hectic. I don't know if I agree necessarily. Well, no. It's a theory, I guess. Hey, it's not the worst theory, but it does have some flaws. But think about it. Humans, we're expending energy regardless of what we do.

Yeah. So even sitting uses energy. Watching a horror movie, movie apparently expends as much energy as running a kilometer i there you go i do not agree with that or so science tells me told me something i would say that like maybe science maybe i made it up yeah i was expecting to say something like watching a horror movie i was expecting to say something like watching a horror movie I was just waiting to say something like watching a horror movie expends more energy than fucking watching like a comedy? a comedy no I think it's running a mile

that's different for a kilometer and also before you said kilometer Jackson suddenly you were on shaky ground before I was on your side now I don't know Jack I don't know watching a drama expends just as much energy as swimming in Olympic swimming pools. Getting back to Nightcrawler, look.

Okay, Nightcrawler's personality. He grew up in a circus. Okay. He's the acrobatic person. He does a lot of practicing with that. So granted, he doesn't just teleport. Like, that's fine. He's an acrobatic guy.

And I see with Nightcrawler why he isn't fat. But however, if I got teleportation powers... Yeah, I'd get fat. I'm already fat and I can't teleport. Or even, like, okay, fine, you can argue, all right, you teleport, you expend energy, that kind of stuff. Say, teleporting a K is equal to at least brisk walking a K. Yeah.

Telekinesis, though. Jean Grey, why isn't she just a heifer? Why isn't she just morbidly... Because, like, there's the danger room. Oh, there's a danger room. But what I'm saying is the danger room... Or is Scott, you know, like, Jean, maybe have you gone to the danger room recently?

But the danger room isn't... It's not a gym. It can be, though. It's not like... I suppose it could be fucking anything. It can be whatever the fuck you want. And it has been known to be a gym. That's where Nightcrawler does his acrobatic bullshit.

Why do they call it a danger room? That makes it sound way more dangerous than it should be. Because they can create hard light holograms that can hurt you. That can be dangerous. That can be dangerous. Why isn't it called the X room or something? And a kid has died in the danger room. Who?

Who let a kid in the danger room? It's got danger right in its title. I know. It's when the danger room became sentient and coerced a kid into killing himself or jumping off a... It got weird. Why does the danger room want to kill kids? Because the danger room was a sentient program

that then Xavier enslaved. Wait, can the danger room do... Excuse me? Yep. Okay, so basically danger, they're called dangers, the danger room is a sentient program. It was like a program that was doing this. Xavier realized it was sentient and went, shit, shit, shit, shut that up.

I need you to train my X-Men and then just shut it up. Basically, I think, did he try and give it a lobotomy? Maybe. Oh, boy. Or just confide. Basically, Xavier, dubious moral ground there. That's a complicated one so let's rewind a bit when I said why is it called the danger room

the answer is because it's name is danger well I think it just calls itself danger because it's name is the danger room well that would be confusing if it was called the X room because it would be like my name is X and the press would be like that's my thing you cannot also be X

I'm so sorry. I'm going to have to give you a lobotomy. Just pull out the USB thing. Control-Alt-Delete. That'll do it. If you're a mutant, would you use the gym? Say I've got some laser eyes.

I'm Jackson Bailey Laser Eyes. That's my mutant name. Full name, Jackson Bailey laser eyes. Yeah. I'm Jackson Bailey laser eyes. That's my mutant name. Uh-huh. Full name, Jackson Bailey laser eyes. Good. I'm so glad you have laser eyes. Otherwise it would have been a stupid name. I'm like, what do I need? Like, I don't need a gym.

I've got fucking laser eyes. Yeah. You know what I mean? Or like Colossus. Yeah. Colossus could, if he wanted to, get fat. He's in no danger. Yeah.

Oh, seeing a fat Colossus would just be a joy. Would his mantle still just cover his body? It would. Like, why does Colossus... I mean, does he just like looking good? I think, well, there was... Is it for Kitty... Kitty Pryde? Maybe. But there's also, with the Danger Room, they kind of test the upper limits. Yeah. So they have like,

you know, two tons, three tons of his Colossus. But see, that's the thing, because Colossus is like... But he's metal, so he can like handle it. He's a bit stronger. Jackson Bailey, laser eyes. Like, if I go into the Danger, but he's metal, so he can handle it. He's a bit stronger. Jackson Bailey, laser eyes. Like, if I go into the danger room, it's to test my laser eyes. I think the thing is that you're thinking of yourself as just a man with laser eyes, where everyone in the X-Men is part of the X-Men.

That is a good point. So they're always fighting crime or committing crimes. I feel like you're burning enough calories fighting Galactus and shit. Yeah. Dealing with Galactus and his shit. Yeah, or fighting Magneto, fighting Sentinels, fighting Sabertooth. What I think is very odd is that the only fat... Fucking fighting Apocalypse.

Yeah, yeah. The only fat superheroes or mutants or anything, that's their power? Like the blob, he's... He's just a big old fat mutant. Can you think of any other fat mutants? Is Juggernaut fat in some versions? Nope, he's just muscly. He's just big. He's just a big old fat mutant Can you think of any other fat mutants? Is Juggernaut fat in some versions? Nope, he's just muscly He's just big

He's just big and tanky I think Big Bertha Yeah, but again, is her power being big? Yeah The fuck? There's no like slightly overweight There's no chubby mutants Well, there is in certain futures

So I think with In some futures they just... Yeah. They got fat. Yeah, they got fat. Like the Paradise X future, I think it was Paradise X, Universe X, whatever it was,

the one that Alex Ross did all the beautiful covers for, it's set in the future, and Wolverine's gotten fat, and he's got like a white wife beater on, and he's married to who he thinks is Jean Grey, but it's Jean Grey's clone, Madeline Pryor. It's odd, but anywho. How does Wolverine get fat? He's got like a bit of a paunch belly. No, but is Jean Grey's clone, Madeline Pryor. It's odd. Anywho. How does Wolverine get fat?

He's got a bit of a paunch belly. But how does Wolverine get fat? Did his healing powers stop? That's a good point. Because you'd think that would be part of it, that your healing power could heal away. So the healing power is like you have an ideal healthy weight range. Well, the only reason I think that is because Wolverine doesn't live a healthy life. No, he smokes, he drinks. He doesn't live a healthy life no he smokes he drinks

he doesn't have a healthy diet he can't get drunk so you'd hope can't he get drunk nope no it's real sad for Wolverine oh man

he can't get drunk he can't get drunk he can't get high he can't get anything why does he smoke cigars because he can what a champ I think because

maybe it might not be canon or it might be but whenever he smokes it does damage and then it heals it instantly. So maybe he does get that rush, but it gets that instant heal. So maybe he's smoking a cigarette or cigar would be like every time you smoke the first cigarette. And that's a good time.

That first cigarette is always good. Well, the first cigarette you ever smoke is when you cough and cough and cough. And die. And die. Remember that cigarette? The first cigarette you ever smoke when you cough and cough and cough. And die. And die. Remember that cigarette? The first cigarette you properly smoke and enjoy. I've never seen anyone enjoy their first cigarette ever. Ever.

Okay, maybe then I did that wrong. Yeah, you did. Or you did it super right. Either or. But that head rush you get when you get the... Yeah, but it still doesn't explain how did he end up fat. Does his healing power affect a stop for a bit? Maybe. Well, Wolverine's

always in constant danger of losing his healing power, and there is one storyline where he does... Now he's dead because his healing power doesn't work anymore. Well, it didn't work anymore. So there are times when he doesn't have healing powers in the storyline. There's like a time where he didn't have it and his skeleton body was poisoning him.

When he didn't have his healing power, did he get fat? No. Because he thinks if you were Wolverine and you're... But there's aging. Maybe that's it. Maybe his healing power is like, okay, so you age slowly. I thought his healing power stopped aging. But he still ages slowly, right?

So maybe he's like, all right, at an ideal, say, 20-year-old or 25-year-old, you're like abs and chest and, oh, it's looking so good. But when you're like the middle age, we heal you up to the middle age spread Wolverine. So that's like the ideal. So you get the ideal at your age. But Wolverine's hundreds of years old. Yeah, but incomparatively.

I suppose. Do you see what I mean? When Wolverine loses his healing factor, you'd think he'd just die because he's become so accustomed to living an unhealthy lifestyle. It doesn't take him long to die. I'll put that out there. Pretty much any time he loses his healing factor,

his death is on the cards instantly. Oh yeah, he's being instantly poisoned by the adamantium in his body. Every time he like schnickety schnick every time he like extracts pushes out his claws and then extracts them back in.

There's all like bacteria and shit. Extract, retract. Retracts, yeah. Extract and then extract. Every. Yeah, so it retracts. Extract it twice. Extract and then extract further. Extract and then, oh my god. Every time it extracts and retracts. Yeah. All the bacteria and shit that he's collected on his claws just goes straight

into his body. That's not good. Oh, Jesus. So he'd just be like constantly on penicillin, I'm guessing. Until the penicillin stops working. Yeah. Wait, does penicillin stop working after a while? Yeah, it's an antibiotic. Yeah, if you keep using it, your body will just grow accustomed to it. Yeah, that's all I'll point out.

Let me tell you a story. Quick science lesson. Thanks. Side podcast. Learn science with Joel. Doucher. Doucher. Douching science.

All right. Welcome to this week's episode of Douching Science. So today we're going to be talking about antibiotics. Tell me more. Well, with antibiotics, your body can become immune to them science uh-huh uh so today we're going to be talking about antibiotics oh tell me more well uh with antibiotics yep your body can become immune to them in a similar way it becomes immune to diseases so if you keep using it your body's just like no none of that ah so the more you use it the more it helpful becomes yeah well that's been this week's of douching with science

uh thank you very much tune in next week if you want. Now back to plumbing the Death Star. Here's a question, though. Like, Wolverine, I don't know what's going on. That's a mess and a half. Why isn't Professor X fat? I'm guessing he just looked after his body. That's what's under the blanket. Big old Buddha. Maybe it's just Xavier, again, implanting, like, you know,

mind control to be like, you know, just don't eat to excess everybody. I need to cut down on food bills. I thought you were saying that, like, in the past we've discussed whether, like, fucking Professor X pretending that he has, like, convincing everybody he's thin. So there's just, in reality, Professor X, I thought you meant like he's convincing everybody he's thin. So in reality, he's just this morbidly obese, hairy guy.

And he's like, that won't do. People aren't going to respect a fat, hairy man. Need to be bald and trim. That's the look for me. Well, that explains Xavier why he isn't fat. However, if we're going to go, why isn't the rest of them fat? Because again, if you're looking at weight gain, weight loss, it's all just an equation. It's like what you put in is

equal to what you put out kind of stuff. Yeah. So maybe Xavier is just subtly implanting the idea of like, don't eat to excess, young mutants. I can't afford this food bill. Also, stop eating everything. That is so scary. You'll eat me out of house and so scary Wolverine eats so much

I don't like him The idea of Professor X looking down at the food bill And being like Who ate all of this canned dog food Hank is this you Why I don't like this at all Maybe

The X Professor X appetite suppressor. Yeah. Just got someone going for the sandwich in the fridge and he's like, hey, I'll just have

an apple instead. Yeah, like Scott. He shut the door and Professor X is on the other side being like, good. I can afford apples.

I'll grow my own orchid to be good. Save some money on that. I've got some like gardening mutants. That'll work. Turns to Hank. Hank, you're my new gardener. Gee, I guess I really like gardening.

I don't know where that came from. I thought I was a scientist. Professor X going through the list of mutants he's got, like the fucking roster or whatever, and just looking for ones that have vaguely gardening-sounding names. Thorn? Can he bake thorns or prune thorns? I'll call him in.

Evergreen? Maybe the tree could be the skin. We'll see. Just gets thorns covered in thorns and evergreen is green. He's just like, oh, damn. All right, never mind. Do you have a green thumb? thorns covered in thorns and evergreen is green he's just like alright nevermind do you have a green thumb I have a green everything

I guess that works that must mean you're really good at farming it doesn't well you are now but Professor X isn't good at farming he's out there digging holes

throwing seeds around that's everyone's But Professor X isn't good at farming. He's out there digging holes. Throwing seeds around. That's everyone's... This orchard's not coming along very well. Just like eight holes in the ground and some seeds not even buried. Just scattered everywhere. Maybe I should have just asked if anyone knew how to farm. And then... Imagine him trying to turn away, but his wheels are just caught in the mud.

He just kind of looks around, nobody's there. Damn. A storm starts. Then, to be my X-Men, I'm stuck. I have become bogged by X-Men. Just everyone is there. It's like, oh, you could have just asked for one. It's the whole roster.

The height of the school, so like that, you know, 200 of them there. X-Men and students. Please save me, old bastard. Professor X gets bogged. X-Men 243. Charles Xavier, bogged again. X-Men half. But here's a theory.

Like 95% of the mutants are at the academy Yeah? And even without using his mind powers Professor X probably gets to decide what food comes in Maybe he's just doing that whole Jamie Oliver thing And he's like only healthy food in the cafeteria That's true Like at what point does fucking Scott Summers

I keep going to Scott Summers Well Scott Summers Scott Summers nickname Slim So yeah he's naturally Slim Okay so say the X-Men They've been out fighting Sentinels. Sentinels are dead. They're like sweet. They do the little press-up thing.

It's not like on the way home, Scott Summers is going to be like, you want to stop at Macca's? Like they just don't get a chance to eat unhealthily? Yeah. You know what I mean? But I think they could. They could be like, again, I reckon it could be Sneaky Xavier. I'm going to go get some Macca's.

Nope, apparently there's dinner at home Guess not Professor X cooks the dinner Still Hank cooks the dinners This is gonna reveal my lack of knowledge When it comes to X-Men maybe But when do they transition from students to teachers? Yeah, I always wondered that

Do they leave the academy and then come back? Or is it just like, Scott, you're 18 now, sick Welcome to the staff Teach this class Yeah, I always wondered that. Like, do they leave the academy and then come back? Or is it just like, Scott, you're 18 now, sick. Welcome to the staff. Teach this class. It's always very... It's a good question. Okay, I'm glad that it's not a dumb question. No, it's just whoever.

I have read... I just want to clarify. I have read X-Men comics. I've seen the films. Kitty Pryde. She joined the team when she was like 16. 13. 13 or 16.

13. That's young. That's fucked up actually Is she fighting? That feels like a crime Maybe I know she's part of the X-Men but she doesn't Yeah anyway So and then like some bullshit happens with the X-Men

And then there's the new mutants who are like the very young students No wait maybe she's 15 It doesn't matter She's who? She's very young and then she becomes an X-Man Like in the fighting force And eventually becomes a teaching staffer And now she's a Professor K

So I don't know if there's any formal training For the Are they teaching just like Regular shit or are they like I don't think they went to like a teacher college I don't think they got their dip ed or whatever I just think they like went to the school of hard knocks And then they're teaching

from that. Well, another scary part about that is in X-Men Days of Future Past, the film, at the end, they're like, Wolverine, you're late for class. You're teaching history. Wolverine doesn't... Well, no, he's lived history. Yeah, but not all history.

He's lived since the 1800s. I don't know. Does Professor X ever know how to do a rubric? Does he know how to make a lesson plan? Does Professor X know shit except how to be a mutant? Does Wolverine know shit? How does Wolverine get a mark of paper? Honestly. And when Wolverine becomes Professor Wolverine,

head of the academy, there's one field trip where he just sends a bunch of kids to the fucking savage land and is like hey survive with dinosaurs and shit and then his long lost brother comes in and tries to kill them all wait fucking Wolverine I thought this was a hypothetical for a second

that actually happened that actually happened Wolverine knows that's not a good lesson nobody learns anything then except how to die. How to survive, maybe. Wait, his long-lost brother is in Sabretooth? No.

Sabretooth's not his brother? No, he's not. Sometimes he is. Only in the X-Men universe. Occasionally he is. In the film universe. But in the other one he's not. In the comics he's just a guy.

Okay, sick. He's just a dude who doesn't like war very much. So who's his long-lost brother in the comics? He's like a little savage Yep. Okay. He's just a dude who doesn't like wolfs very much. So who's his long lost brother in the comics? The hell? I don't want to explain it. He's like a little savage wolf man or some shit? Because it looks... He's got like a... He's a time traveller dude.

He's got mutton chops. He's got a cowboy hat from memory. It's not worth your time. It's something Howlett from memory. James? No, he is James. I like how we started off wondering... Yep.

Wondering how... No, Michael isn't fat. Isn't fat. But now, like, it's just become the teaching... Okay, Scott Summers. Yes. Slim. All slim.

All slimy Jim. Yep. All right. Slim, slim, alabim. Yep. So he's got laser eyes. Yes. Okay.

What is he... What I'm getting at is that you have one mutation and you don't know how to work another person's mutation. So how do you teach someone to deal with their mutation? If I have laser eyes and somebody can become clouds and they're like, how do I? I'm just going to be like, good luck, mate. Beat clouds, I guess.

So you say he's slim, Scott. He's good at, say, mechanics. So he can, like, fucking do good shit with his motorbike. So he's slim, Scott. He's good at, say, mechanics. So he can, like, fucking do good shit with his motorbike. So he might be teaching shop. He's not going to be teaching kids how to use their power. Is that Professor X? Xavier's meant to be him and Moira McTaggart,

they're meant to be, like, head of the mutant research. So even though, like, we don't know your power exactly, we can kind of have some fun. I guess Charles just jumps in your head. Yeah, and have a look and have a guess. I get it. You just become Cloud. Yeah, but then again, they're both dead now.

So now it's all just... Now there's just people becoming Clouds, Willy fucking Nils. And then maybe not becoming people again. I feel like Charles is like... Professor X's advice to everyone is just like, don't be afraid. Yeah, don't be afraid. Yeah. Don't be afraid. Be who you want to be.

Use your powers for good. This is an 80s fucking ballad. This is what this is. Don't let the bad get you down. That's about all my advice is. That's basically all I have. I miss the 60s. So are your powers.

Can the Hulk get fat? The Hulk Maybe not but Bruce Banner maybe So what Bruce Banner gets fat and then becomes Muscly Hulk Well no because they're dual personality I guess It's almost like Dr. Jekyll

Mr. Hyde Amoncio Hyde Amoncio Hyde Does that mean that if like Say Bruce Banner had like weird weight issues Would he be like a fat Hulk? No it would be Think about it though

Think about Bruce Banner Then think about Hulk They don't have the same body type So if Bruce Banner's body type changes There's no reason to suggest that Hulk's Then again if Bruce Banner shaves If Bruce B banner doesn't shave hulk gets a beard sick and that's why like again going to alternative future one yeah hulk the end

bruce banner becomes like an old shitty man and the reason why he keeps shaving is because when he turns to the hulk hulk has a white beard and that's like the maestro which is evil hulk from the future yeah yeah it prevents that by. So there is some odd carryover. Comics, sometimes. Yeah, so there's some weird carryover between Bruce and... Does Bruce Banner die in space at one point and then the Hulk lives on? No, because the Hulk...

I don't know. You're talking about World War Hulk? That's when Hulk's in space. No, no, no. I'm pretty sure... Again, with the end, Bruce Banner tries to kill himself, but every time he does, the Hulk stops him. So I think if Hulk is alive,

Banner's alive. No, I thought that, like, I might be making this story up. But I'm on board. How sick would this be? I'm interested. Something happens, and I feel like space is involved.

In fact, I think it's on the moon. Oh, I'd say. I'm loving it. Yep. Is that on the moon? No, they took him off the moon. Oh, I'd say. World War Hulk, I'm loving it. Yep. Is that on the moon? World War Hulk's on another planet. No, World War Hulk, they took him off the moon. Yeah, yeah.

Because I know World War Hulk. I don't know why I'm being like, no, not World War Hulk. On the moon. Yeah, on the moon. And because it's an atmosphere where Bruce Banner just can't survive, but Hulk can.

Bruce Banner dies, so he's just Hulk forever. No, because as soon as Bruce Banner's about to die, he transforms into Hulk. Becomes the Hulk, and then if the Hulk chuffed back to Earth, he as soon as Bruce Banner's about to die, he transforms into Hulk. And then if Hulk chuffed back to Earth, he could just be Bruce Banner again. So for all intents and purposes, Bruce Banner's immortal.

I also think Bruce Banner's an old man in this story as well. That's possibly the end, but he's on Earth, which is uninhabited. Maybe that, and he's sort of stuck as Hulk forever at the end? I think so, because he wants to shut his brain down. Yeah! No moon involved, though. Damn it!

Well, if you throw a moon into that story, it's pretty fucking sick. What about this? Fucking Joe Fix-It Hulk. One of Hulk's many multiple personalities. Joe Fix-It Hulk. Joe Fix-It Hulk, who's grey and sentient. Yep.

Now, if Joe Fix-It Hulk ate nothing but, like, peanut butter hot dogs for, like, months on end, because he doesn't change back to Bruce Banner, then he got really fat and changed back to Bruce. What would the sitch be there? Well, I feel like Hulk- It's fucking puzzling me. What happens if Hulk eats like a cow,

and then while he's digesting that, just transforms into Banner? Is Banner like, ah! Is Banner like, slap my face, slap my face, Slap my face! Get me angry! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! A fucking hoof just coming out of his stomach. It's perforated. What is going on there?

The cow head coming out of his stomach. And the cow's also screaming. He's trying to push it back in. Yeah, great. I don't know what... The Hulk. Confusing. You know who could get fat and it wouldn't be an issue?

Fucking Iron Man. Like Iron Man could get fat and it wouldn't be a big deal. He just doesn't make a bigger suit. Big belly coming out. He could get fat. Tony, you've been in this Hulkbuster suit for weeks now. Hulk hasn't attacked in years. Get out.

No. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to. I don't. No. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to. You sound different, Tony. Tony just stayed in the suit and didn't move. It's hard to breathe now.

Tony should also get fat if he doesn't work out. He works out because he loves himself. He's very vain. You kind of think about their personality types and I guess that's why they don't work out. He works out because he loves himself. He's very vain. So again, I think it's more like, you kind of think about their personality types and I guess that's why they don't get fat. However, when it comes to a certain point,

you'd think after, like, again, Jean Grey, after so many battles, so many times, like, I'm just tired. I'm so tired. Magneto should be fat. And I just, you know, yeah, actually. He flies. Anybody who flies should be fat. And also, Magneto does everything with his fucking metal powers. Yeah, but he doesn't fly in the same way that I was explaining

like Nightcrawler teleporting or my bird theory. The Joel Dusha theory of birds. Because he's not, it's like there's no part of him that's moving. He's just drawing the metal around him. Yeah. However, he's, again, if you go back to the Joel Dusha bird theory of expending energy, and I think you might be onto something. Yeah.

Straight off the bat. Mutant powers... Straight off the bird. Straight off the beak. Water off a bird's back. Hey! So if we go with that theory, where mutant powers,

no matter what they are, are causing an energy signature to be released, sorry, an energy to be released, because they have such things as energy signatures. Yeah. For example, when Colossus sacrifices himself to cure the legacy virus which is like

mutant cancer but contagious cool cancer should never be contagious that is a scary world and it's like it's from the future

anyway we can do a whole episode on that bullshit if we need to anyway he injects himself with the cure and the problem being

is this this sort of proto-cure can only be triggered by like someone inject it, then using the mutant powers. And when he does that, I think Remy, as in Gambit, looks away and he's like, holy shit, that's Colossus' energy signature, but times a thousand. So clearly they're producing something which is unique to them. So they've got a mutant energy, yeah.

Yeah, so it's a mutant energy, so it's energy expenditure. Menergy. Menergy, if you will. A bit of menergy. Love a bit of menergy on a weekend, right, lads? If all these mutants are expending menergy, that would require, again, this sort of expenditure, energy out, energy in kind of stuff.

So that's probably why they're not fat, because they're burning all those calories, and why they kind of almost have zero body fat is because they're just using all that energy. Then why the fuck is not like every single mutant hoeing down on peanut butter hot dogs all the time? I guess they must be. They must be off camera or off panel just hoeing down peanut butter hot dogs.

Well, they probably couldn't just eat peanut butter hot dogs. They probably have a healthy diet to make. No, I don't think, no. But why would you need to? You would just need pure calories. If I found out that I was always going to have basically zero percent body fat and it was always gonna stay like that do you know how many peanut butter hot dogs at least seven also you're in that in that danger of you know over over um exerting yourself because you are burning so many calories yeah that you

have to literally eat so much yeah so i think I think, you know, Xavier having a thick shake just with a lot of teats coming out of just, you know, calories sludge. It's kind of like the best solution, a big food bowl and a shake jug. Shake jug. That's what you want. That's all like... Teaty shake jug.

Teaty shake jug. What are you saying? What? Teat-y. Oh. Shake jug. Teaty shake jug. Yes. Yeah. So I think that's probably the best. And that's the only reason. Teat-y Shake jug Teat-y shake jug Yes

So I think that's probably the best And that's the only reason That would make sense Why all of the mutants Just have sweet six Sweet six packs And abs and shit Yeah

And why they are Expending so much energy And is that why Everybody hates mutants Because they're just jealous Of their banging bots I think so And of the

Joel Dhrusha bird theory, humans want in on that. Yeah, I guess that's why everyone hates and fears mutants because they see them just hoeing down on crates of peanut butter hot dogs and they're like, when I do that I just become fat. People call me the blob, but I'm not the blob. I'm Larry.

I'm Larry, man. Wouldn't you feel shit if you were the blob of Big Bertha, though? You're like, mutant? Didn't get any of the good shit if you were the blob of Big Bertha though you're like mutant didn't get any of the good shit just got the fat shit yeah there's like one comic scene where the mutants all lose their powers and the blob is there and he lost his fat powers

so he's no longer fat but he's got all this excess skin and he's gross so I think that might be the only explanation All this excess skin. Oh, Jesus Christ. And it's gross. Oh, Jesus Christ. So I think that might be the only explanation why I can't think of Nightcrawler as that. I think that's the best solution we could come up with, but honestly, it's a puzzler.

It is a puzzler. I like that we answered this about 30 seconds in and... Dicked around. But hey, we came back to it. Yeah, we did the trip. It's a well-done gang. Good job, team. And on that note, I've been Joel

I've been Jackson And I've also been Joel Hoedown on some peanut butter hot dogs Yeah, just wrap your lips around the TD shake jug And just hoedown on that food ball Just give it a little suck And help Xavier out of the bog I forgot about Xavier in the bog

I like to imagine him still there covered in autumn leaves This feels like hair I forgot about Xavier in the box. I like to imagine him still there covered in autumn leaves. This feels like hair. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sanspantsradio.com.