Plumbing the Death Star - Why was Johnny Cage in Mortal Kombat?

Episode Date: October 5, 2015

In which our heroes defend Earthrealm, upper cut our opponent off a bridge and mash every button in an attempt to find the perfect kombo as we stop and wonder why Johnny Cage is even in Mortal Kombat. We ask why he doesn’t just make a behind the scenes featurette, consider court marshalling Sonja Blade and find all the ways Johnny Cage could win the tournament without actually winning by merit. Jackson admits he’d rather play Tekken, Zammit questions the ethics of Liu Kang’s monastery and Duscher just wants to know who he is really proving his abilities to. So join the gang as they fight to the video game death, avoid being turned into a baby and settle for friendship instead.Want to help actors prove their fighting skills? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in stunt doubles employment levels. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least four books about martial arts. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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But we're not, so go to sanspansradio.bandcamp.com and have an enjoyable time because of us. Hey guys, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. We ask important questions like, Why was Johnny Cage in Mortal Kombat? He's just an actor. He just does stunts, doesn't he? Yeah.

Yeah, so Johnny Cage is an actor who enters the Mortal Kombat tournament in number one. With the sole purpose of proving that he doesn't use special effects in his films. Yep. So first off the bat, like, there are easier ways to do that? Yes. Just be like, hey, I'll have a guy come with a camera and he can film the making of the film. That's one option. A doco, really. Like a behind the scenes featurette. Also, this isn't just like,

I know Joel is filming Mortal Kombat. Jackson? I'm not. I'm a Tekken guy. Ah, okay. That's okay. I'm a Street Fighter guy. Alright. But I also dab moving with Mortal Kombat. I'm not. I'm a Tekken guy. Oh, okay. That's okay. I'm a Street Fighter guy. All right. But I also dabble in Mortal Kombat. I don't. It's more of a killer instinct myself. Do you ever play Guilty Gear?

No. That game was insane. You could be a guy, and one of your moves was you opened a door in reality, stepped out in another part of the stage, and just punched a guy. It's pretty good. That game was sick. Anyway. Guilty Gear.

What a good time. Joel, this is a good time. Mortal Kombat. Let me tell you. That game was sick. Anyway. Guilty Gear. What a good time. Do you know what else is a good time? Mortal Kombat. Let me tell you some more about Mortal Kombat. Why are they fighting? So pretty much Shang Tsung. Excuse my pronunciation. We're going to throw some words at you.

All right. Pumped. You're not going to understand any of them. He's an evil sorcerer. Sorcerer. Shang Tsung. Evil. Earthrealm.

Agoro. Fighting. Competition. Tournament. 500 years. Bam. Is Agoro, fighting, competition, tournament. 500 years. Bam. Is Agoro anything like Gorons from The Legend of Zelda? Yes, but with forearms.

Oh, boss. And a ponytail, but like a topknot ponytail. 90s. But with forearms. Okay, so quickly explain what some of those words mean in a sentence. I think he got it. I'm on the ball. Oh, okay.

There's a sorcerer. Shang Tsung. And he makes everyone fight because he's in Earthrealm. He's been banished to Earthrealm 500 years ago, and he has slowly started to take over Earthrealm. Goro's about. Goro is his... Goro is like his buddy, his bro.

Sick. Who is undefeated at the time of Mortal Kombat 1 for 500 years and then they have a tournament for reasons alright so that a new generation of warriors

have an attempt to overthrow Shang Tsung and end his grip on Earthrealm that's sporting of Shang Tsung a little bit I think it's quite nice

that's very sporting of him so he's not really that bad of a guy after all so really I think the first game was like, Liu Kang who is basically Bruce Lee. You're our main protagonist but we need some other people to fight and shit.

And so... We probably need another seven characters. We need some more people scouting out. Johnny Cage, you're like, ooh, ooh, raise his hand. I got this, guys. I got this. Johnny Cage, you're overconfident. I'm from Hollywood. I'm a fight in this tournament. What kind of movies does he do?

Presumably not rom-coms or whatever Jean-Claude Van Damme To be honest I can imagine Jean-Claude Van Damme Entering a massive Fighting competition against a warlock That's not something If I was on Buzzfeed And it's like Jean-Claude Van Damme

Fights a warlock I'd be like, yeah, okay. That's pretty reasonable. If you just replace Johnny Cage with Jean-Claude Van Damme, you're like, yeah, all right. Well, yeah, with Johnny Cage... But you can win as Johnny Cage, presumably. Presumably it's not just like, fight!

And you just fucking get over here through the chest dead instantly. Dead, no. Johnny Cage is actually my character of choice and i play mortal kombat he's a fucking bad motherfucker he does the splits and shit but what are his moves okay he's got like a flip kick sick it's like he can lob green shit all right um he does like a sliding kick i was really annoying yeah sliding kick. That was really annoying. Yeah, because it's really pretty fast. And it's a ball breaker. So what we're going to do is

I'll give you the first game, and I want to take us through each character as Johnny Cage. One after the other, like a battle rumble. What's it called? One-on-one? Like a one-on-one, but after each you finish

with one, you go on to the next. Oh, uh... Endurance. Basically, an endurance. Yeah, cool. Because I'm pretty sure Vegas is going to be like, all right, you fought one, you don't magically get healed. No, no, no, he's tripping on to the next one,

fighting him in a temple or on the city or whatever. So if you remember Mortal Kombat, it was like a ladder system. You sort of start at the bottom and you work your way up to get, you know, Goro, then Shao Kahn. So we we're gonna do this with johnny cage all right and i think just to give him a bit of a sporting chance yeah his first character on intervite sonja blade but who's she this is johnny cage at his like his best day where he gets everything right okay so sonja blade is like basically us special forces all right sick she's just a human yeah she's us for special forces okay cool yeah um yeah that that's pretty much

it i'm does she use her gun in the game because i feel like if she uses her gun then our boy johnny cunt stumped his way out of that one uh i don't think Sonya uses her gun, but there's definitely characters that are cops that have used their gun in the game. Striker. Could Johnny Cage just get a court-martial during a worldwide fighting competition? Could it be like, fight! And Johnny Cage is like, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Yeah, so look, a soldier here is killing a civilian, me, an actor. And she only enters the tournament to take down Kano I think yeah, because he works for a crime syndicate so I guess she's sort of sort of knows what she's

like she's US special forces, she's trained Johnny K, let's just say he's been trained in some sort of martial arts let's say she's not using a gun. And even if she does, maybe she only takes him in the shoulder of the leg. Like rubber bullets or whatever. Whatever.

No, real bullets. But in the shoulder of the leg. Non-favorite. All right. I reckon Johnny Cage might win against her just because of pity. Like what? She's just sad for him? Yeah.

Because he's just a guy? Or she might be kind of awestruck. Because again, she's from Earth. She's like, oh my God, I love seeing you in that 80s classic film. Two Birds to Death. Two Birds to Caged. Yeah. Caged Birds starring Johnny Cage.

There we go. There we go. Well, in Mortal Kombat 9, he's in a movie called Ninja Mime. Done. All right. In the Ninja Mime series. And she's like fangirling.

Well, I think that might be a way of johnny cage just uppercuts her in the face well also another thing that i'd like to point out to our boy johnny cage just because you don't use your own stunt like you don't use a stunt double that's fine that means you can take a hit doesn't necessarily mean you can throw yeah that's true because like in films even you don't punch a dude in a film no otherwise it's not acting that's true Because like, in films You don't punch a dude in a film Otherwise it's not acting, that's just a street fight It's just genuinely a bloody rumble So I reckon, yeah

While she's being awestruck He just sneaks in there and goes to maybe sign an autograph And then just uppercuts her in the face And hopefully knocks her out Cold clocks her But not before getting shot in the shoulder or something. I'd also like to point out that Sonia does not look like the type of person that would take any of Johnny Cage's bullshit ever.

So the chance of her being a fan of his films is minuscule. I feel like getting a court-martialed is perhaps the only way to take out old Sonia Blade. Lawyers step in and be like... Escort her away. US Special Forces lawyers are like, Sonya, please don't. He's an actor. If you do this, the public are going to turn on us.

Finish him! No, no, no. Sonya, Sonya, Sonya. No, no, no. Just throw the fight, Sonya. She throws the fight. Finish him. She's dead.

Good. That's a hectic thrown fight. Can she pretend? Well, the thing is, Shao Kahn's going to be like, Finish him. She's dead. Good. That's a hectic thrown fight. Can she pretend? Well, the thing is, well, Shao Kahn's going to be like, finish him or finish her. And then Johnny Cage is going to be like, uh, uh, uh. And then what is his fatalities again? Well, Johnny Cage's staple finish move throughout the series

is uppercutting their head off. So I guess he can throw a punch. Yep, he can throw a punch. All right. He's been known to uppercut people's heads off and literally tear their torso off their legs so it's got some power oh so I think Sonya Blade because again the US Army like you can just throw the fight Johnny Cage is just endurance match he's gone all right he's taken no damage yeah what a champ Liu Kang though is next What's a he? Liu Kang is a Shaolin monk

Oh Like one of those guys that's Fucking up in a monastery controlling their temperature Real good He's just gonna punch Johnny Cage's heart out I imagine The only thing is With Liu Kang

Spoiler alert, he wins the tournament. That's very true. So. But this is Johnny Cage on his best day. Yeah. He's dodging shit. He's dodging Liu Kang, you know, just transforming into a dragon. He's dodging all of that.

Oh, yeah, that's another thing. Liu Kang can transform into a dragon. Okay. Yeah. As it only is a fatality. Still. Okay, can transform into a dragon. Okay. Yeah. As it only is a fatality. Still, I feel like for Johnny Cage to win literally any of these fights, he needs to think outside the box. So remember, Johnny Cage is an actor.

We're versing a Shaolin monk that can shoot fireballs and turn into a dragon. What's Johnny Cage's go-to move here? Because I think he might die, and we're on round two. Can Shaolin monks kill people? Is that on? to move here because I think he might die and we're on round two. Can Shaolin monks kill people? Is that on? Could he pull another sneaky and just call the monastery? He'll get his agent. Yeah, actually maybe.

Like, look, the agent's like, we represent the Shaolin monks. If you kill this A-list actor, they're gonna just take us down. We don't want that. Exactly. He'll be like, look, you believe in peace. What are you doing? I'm a good guy. Can you befriend this monk? Is the monk

a good guy? Yeah, the monk's a good guy. And that's the thing. Johnny Cage is friends with some of these people. His good friend is Sonya Blade who he's just uppercutted. Hey, it's... It's a tough fight. So is Johnny Cage's one being like,

hey, man, what are you doing? You're a monk. And he's like, man, I am. And then Johnny Cage is like, wha! Uppercut in the face. My talent. Is that Johnny Cage's go-to move?

So I think maybe you could bamboozle Liu Kang and Sonya. Sonya, we got the... Sonya gets court-martialed. Liu Kang, he's like, hey, man, think about what you're doing. You're a monk. Is this what you believe in? You're a monk.

You're an agent of peace and you're about to turn into a dragon and burn me to death. No, no, no. It doesn't burn. It eats him. Eats him as a dragon. You're about to eat me as a dragon.

That's not on. That's not cool. That's not the monk way. The only thing is, Liu Kang, yeah, that's well and good call of monastery. Yeah. Raiden, god of thunder, is Liu Kang, yeah that's well and good call the monastery. Yeah. Raiden, God of Thunder

is Liu Kang's boss. Oh. Who wants him to enter the tournament. Yeah. So we'll have to get, and we do get to Raiden which is another set of problems. But Liu Kang though. Okay, we'll say if somehow he gets in touch with the monastery and Raiden's not there

and the monastery's like, yeah no. Raiden's in the fight. Raiden's in the tournament. Yeah, he doesn't't know raiden's in the tournament so he can't answer the phone call so it gets passed on to the monastery yeah we don't know anything about this and then i guess they're like oh boy no we can't have a monk lu kang mate what the fuck are you doing peace and non-violence put those kicks away my friends come back to the monastery and listen to a bell okay yeah so okay so he's not killed lu kang lu kang just had to friends. Come back to the monastery and listen to a bell, okay? Yeah. So, okay, so he's not killed Liu Kang.

Liu Kang just had to chuff back off to the monastery. Yeah, but it's a win for Johnny Cage. It's a win for Johnny Cage. And again, maybe he took a couple of punches to the face before he's like, look, Liu Kang. Hang on. Hang on. It wouldn't have been punches, it would have been kicks.

It would have been kicks to the face. One second, please. One second, Liu Kang One second, Luca. All right, so he's bamboozled his way past two characters with only taking a couple kicks to the face. Hey, that's good. If we can bamboozle our way up to the wall. Next one, however, is a cyborg who is an evil cunt.

That's Kano. The person who Sonya Blade was trying to track before she tragically lost her head in an uppercut fight. I'm guessing what you could do as Johnny Cage is whip out Sonya Blade's head and be like, look, Kano, look what I did. Hey. Let me win.

Here's Sonya Blade's head. Well, I'm going to think further outside the box. Yeah. Kano, buff guy, half cyborg. You know what type of movies he's probably watching? Martial arts films. Do you know if there's going to be a fanboy in this tournament? It's your boy Kano.

Well, he's fangirling. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Going to give you an autograph. Uppercut in the face. Tearing off his torso. Yeah, maybe.

His shitty bionic torso. Or, because Johnny Cage, like, in Mortal Kombat, there's a finishing move called a friendship. Johnny Cage is handing out

signed photos. Yeah. He might just friendship Kano. Friendship Kano to a KO. Yeah. So this is like, this is Johnny Cage. It's like,

suave as fuck. This is him on his best days. Like, Kano, you're my biggest fan. Hey. Here's a signed autograph. Do you want to be in a film as an extra? I can arrange that. Oh my fucking God.

You want to be my plucky sidekick? Or you could be a villain. You've got the cool cyborg thing going. I can make that happen. Plus I killed Sonya for you. Exactly. And I do my own stunts. He's on his phone.

Agent, look, I want you to represent Kano. Hang on. Is the Mortal Kombat being filmed and broadcast? I don't think so. I think Shao Kahn is watching. So is Johnny Cage's plan when he defeats Shao Kahn to be like, I went in the Mortal Kombat and they're like, we didn't see.

Oh yeah, that's a good point. Who's he proving it to? Himself? What the fuck, Johnny Cage? Is he taking a photo of- Kano's Australian. Really? Oh, fuck yes.

Sort of. At first he was Japanese, but they changed it. Japanese born, American, raised in Australia, maybe. Who knows? It's complicated. So yeah, I reckon he's giving him a- So Kano's just like chuffing back, leaving Earthrealm, chuffing back to Earth and being like,

I'm going to be a fucking movie star. I'm going to be in films. And Kano can also tell his mates, who also love these films, saw Johnny Cage, he uppercutted a lady's head off. He does his own stunts. You know that... I was going to go in that, like, tournament, that Mortal Kombat, to win Earthrealm

from the Warlock everyone's like yeah yeah I know and he's like Johnny Cage doing the same thing got a sign further

what everyone's like oh that's sick and he's like yeah I didn't even didn't even throw a punch I'm just assuming Johnny Cage

takes a photo of himself with his whoever he beats and like uploads that to his Instagram or whatever this is holding Sonya Blaze

the cap dated head eh hashtag my own stunts yeah uploads that to his Instagram or whatever. Just he's holding Sonya Blaze's decapitated head. Hashtag buy your own stunts. Yeah. He's like, I guess he does his own stunts. Sure, he ripped a lady's head off, but... But I guess he does his own stunts, so I like him more as an actor. Is that something Johnny Cage thought people were worrying about? Were they like, I don't know, was his movies declining?

And he's like, it's because people think I'm fake. People go to the movies because it's real and gritty. They want to see someone really fight someone. So I guess I'll enter this tournament and fight a warlock. Johnny Cage, I don't know what you're doing. He's doing all right. Three for three. Three for three.

In every fight so far, he's had to use his phone, though. Yeah. So I'm guessing Earthrun must have some sweet reception for him at least. Yeah. So now, unfortunately, we start getting into the more mythical bullshit of Mortal Kombat. Sub-Zero, who is basically

just an Iceman. Not Iceman from... but he's... He's got ice powers. He's got ice powers. He's basically Iceman. Johnny Cage, Johnny Cage, Johnny Cage. There's no chance that... Also, even if Johnny Cage does beat Sub-Z Cage. There's no chance that... Also, even if Johnny Cage does beat Sub-Zero,

I'd just like to point out, because I've played the games a bit, Sub-Zero dies in the first Mortal Kombat, and death isn't enough to stop him. He dies, then comes back as Noob Sabot, who is a ninja as well, just doesn't have ice powers, has, like, darkness powers. Jesus Christ. And then re-enters the tournament.

What a champ. So good luck, Johnny. And there's no chance this Sub-Zero fella is a fan. Is there? No. And there's probably nothing in his ninja order about killing people. Nope. And he can't get him court-martialed.

No. It's basically out of options uh unless for some reason johnny cage swaps his token sunglasses for aviators with mirrored lenses and sub-zero tries to freeze him and hopefully the mirrored lenses reflect the freeze blast onto sub-zero and then sub-zero gets gets frozen and then Johnny Cage tears his torso off. So your plan for Johnny Cage this is your plan. This is what you want Johnny Cage to do. Swap sunglasses and leap face first

at every blast of ice. Correct. It is Johnny Cage on his best day. I was supposed to be... And he's a stuntman, so he's thinking we've done something like this. Because his sunglasses are his go-to move.

He's always wearing them, so I'm guessing they must be part of his shtick. So I'm guessing in some convoluted way, kind of like what Douche is proposing, in his films he's done some bullshit like reflecting something with his sunglasses. I love that the basic premise of your way of reading

ice is noteding... Ice is not light. I was going to say, ice is not light, so you've got a problem there. What if he gets... No. What if they just fight on a really hot day? I was going to say, what if he gets like a U-bend pipe and catches

it and... But that's retarded. That could also work you just need to be near a toilet and it just breaks off the u-bend part there you go or I guess on a hot day maybe a sneaky quick to Shao Kahn

Shao Kahn can you just turn up the heat a little bit well he could speak to sub-zero he could speak to scorpion before the fight you know this fucking sub-Zero piece of shit? Your rival. How about we just set the stage on fire for a bit, Scorpion? I'll wear my stunt pyrotechnic flame pants,

so I'm not going to be burnt too much. Isn't Scorpion dressed the same as Sub-Zero? Yeah, and he's like, do you want a jacket? And Donny K is like, no, people need to see the torso. That's what they've come from. They need to see what I'm about. So no, just the pants. I feel like you could convince Scorpion to do that

just based on like, he's dressed and he's stealing your fucking look, mate. Let's take him down. So Johnny Cage, unfortunately, is probably going to get some burns on his chest at this fight. Burnt chest. But hey, he took down Sub-Zero. He did take down Sub-Zero. Sub-Zero burned to death.

He'll have to fight him down when he's Sub-Rosa or whatever. Noob Sabot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, whatever. It's all good. And I feel at least Sub-Zero's going to get one nice, you know, maybe, like, ice blast his arm and that's going to shatter off. Yeah.

That's rough. That's a rough dance. Hopefully it's his left hand. For old J Cage. So I'm guessing J Cage has probably got one arm now. Yeah. Oh, boy. But, hey, you won against Sub-Zero, so that's good for you, buddy.

Yeah, but that's like number four. Unfortunately now, the guy who helped you out to defeat Sub-Zero. The one who opened up hell, literally, to set the stage on fire. Scorpion. Is up next. And you don't have Sub-Zero to pull the same trick. No. You just killed him.

You just killed Sub-Zero, and you already got a chest full of burns. And no arm. Wait, does he still got a chest full of burns. And no arm. Wait, has he still got a bit of ice on that arm? I'm going to go with yes. So could he just beat the shit out of him with his ice stop arm? Yes. Put out that fire? Maybe.

Because he'd fling the arm at him. Instincts. Fucking Scorpion's going to grab it. It melts. He gets put out. Scorpion's gonna grab it. It melts. He gets put out. Scorpion's not on fire. Fuck. Scorpion can summon fire. Also, when he takes off his mask, gets a skull

and he can spit fire. Boy, howdy. Scorpion. Scary. Also, he shoots spears. He's a ninja. That's true. Scorpion shoots spearsars at his hand. He's a ninja as well. That's true. Scorpion shoots spears out of his hand.

Get over here. Attached to a fucking... Oh, he's get over here. Yeah. So what could happen is he could, like, spear him, spear Johnny Cage in the shoulder, get over here. He's pulling him, about to uppercut him. Johnny Cage does a sneaky uppercut back.

Or Johnny Cage just pulls out his ice arm and holds it at about head level and just punches it off As he gets pulled in Does that mean Johnny Cage has a Grappling hook wound in one shoulder And a bullet wound in the other Ah because he didn't get shot before

Sonia didn't get out a gun Because she was you know army you were like None of that He's just a guy A guy that's capable of punching your head off your shoulders. Yeah, I think, like, she acts like dead, and then he's like, finish her. She's like, wait, wait, wait.

No, no, no, no, no. So, is that a win? Okay, we'll say yes, but he's dying from his wounds. Yes. All right. Yeah, okay. So he's somehow managed to turn back the kid over here on Scorpion Maybe it just got his, like, frozen arm and he got confused a bit

Yeah, it got in his frozen arm shoulder kind of thing, so he doesn't feel the pain So he's getting dragged, he's just readying his other hand and you just punch him in the face Up he goes Off goes his head I like that we've used, Johnny Cage has a few moves, but we just keep going back to the VTOL.

Yeah. Or it gets the job done. Knock off the head. Because it's simple. It's done. I feel if you went to punch Scorpion in the dick, it's not going to do anything because it's going to be like, first off, I'm a ninja.

Two, I basically just skeleton. Yeah, like I might just be a skeleton. Sure, I've got a skeleton face. You can kind of see my arms. They're fleshy. But you know what? I have no penis. Yeah. like I might just be a skeleton. Sure, I've got a skeleton face. You can kind of see my arms. They're fleshy. But you know what? I have no penis. Yeah.

Deal with that, Johnny Cage. Head cannon accepted. Yeah, so okay. In Johnny Cage's best, he's not surviving that scorpion fight. But let's say he did. Okay. Let's say. Yeah, he's ready his fist to just uppercut him in the face.

And like, yeah, look, he's lost his arm now. He's bleeding out. It's gone. He's bleeding from the shoulder. And now we've got to fight a thunder god. Raiden. Whose opening move, I'm just going to say, he starts zapping the fuck out.

He's already burned torso. And also he can teleport. Just letting that of his already burned torso. Hmm. And also he can teleport. Just letting that one just out there. So Raiden. I'm guessing. Otherwise known as Lord Raiden. I'm guessing running is not an option. He's also protector of Earthrealm.

Although, look, if he zaps him, he's instantly cauterizing that wound. Hey, that's good. So that's a plus. So that problem of bleeding out is gone. There is the issue of your heart stopping. Ah, that old chestnut. Ah, okay. Raiden's also immortal.

I feel the only way this is going to get out is because Raiden shouldn't be fighting in the tournament. Raiden's not really, he's sort of forbidden. He's not really allowed to. Oh, okay. He's sort of doing it a little bit sneakily. That's one thing I do remember from the films and all that is that he's a little bit like he shouldn't be. So there's a chance that we could pull

the same sneaky trick we pulled on fucking Sonya and Monk? We'll give the gods a call. We'll be like, look, Raiden, he's not meant to be fighting, but he's fighting. So do you want to do something about this? Come on, I mean. Oh! He's at me twice.

Because that's it, one stop at heart, second to start it back up again. See? Twice. He's fighting. So do you want to do something about this? Come on. I mean, he's at me twice. Because that's it. One stop at heart. So they're going to start it back up again. See? Twice. He's doing okay. I just remembered why a god in a tournament full of people is fine. Raiden makes himself mortal for the fight.

Oh, okay. So he's human-ish. He can still shoot lightning. That's a plus. That's good. I'm guessing the lightning might melt Johnny Cage's phone. Oh, yeah, you're right. He's not going to be quick enough.

No. Oh, wait. Lightning lights aviator sunglasses. Holy shit, yes. Done. Just leap face first into that lightning bolt, Johnny Cage, and hope that's how lightning works. It's not, but it's Earthrealm, so it might, but it won't.

But for this argument, it does. It does. And he zaps him in the face, and then whilst he's reeling, punches his head off. Whilst he's like, oh my god, you got me. He's like. Fatality Oh, Raiden, you were our One hope of bringing down

The unstoppable Johnny Cage But, you're gone So now we get to get to the crux Of the tournament Goro, who's just like a four-armed monster I'm gonna have trouble Thinking of something that's gonna stop Goro From just picking him up and tearing him apart I'm just gonna turn this computer around something that's going to stop Goro from just picking it up

and tearing it apart. I'm just going to turn this computer around just so you know what Goro looks like. Oh, okay. Eh? Bring that shit closer. He's like, oh, God. He's got three fingers on each hand

and a modesty. Like, he's wearing underwear, which is nice. So he has shame. Guys, he has shame. and only one item of clothing punch him in the dick Johnny Cage could do his slidey on the ground kick move to get low and just punch him in the dick

which is also his move he does the splits and punches people in the dick that's a move but the slidey kick it's not like he gets low it's like a normal kick, he doesn't... It's not like he gets low. He's like... It's like a normal kick, but he slides on one foot, propelled by green energy. But he can kick him in the dick, and then as he does,

he'll punch him in the dick and, like, dack him? Just, like, pull his pants down? Pants Goro? I give you pants as Goro. Then Goro's gonna freak out, and all four-armed are now gonna be covering in shame. And then he can climb... Is he big, Goro? Yeah, he's a big man. Climb him and punch him in the head? Is that doable?

I think so. Yeah, no. You know what? It's actually how you beat him in the game. You pants him, and then when all four of his arms are covering his Goro penis, you just punch him in the head. Four Goro penises?

Maybe. Yeah. Hey, why not? Headcanon accepted There's nothing saying that he doesn't have four penises Then he must So okay, so he's dacked Goro Punched him in the head

Goro is like crying from shame and runs off Sick Even though he's powerful enough to knock Sonia's head off Clean off her shoulders Goro seems like he's got a meaty, strong neck. A lot of tendons keeping that shit together. Yeah, like thick tendons. Oh, well.

But hey, he's tis-chuffed off, and now we're first seeing the man himself, the warlock of the party, Shang Tsung. Somehow I think Johnny Cage isn't cheating his way out of that one. No. So let's see, what does Shang Tsung do? He's a shapeshifter. A demonic shapeshifter.

And he absorbs people's souls. Johnny Cage might be losing his soul today. He definitely throws, I know, green burning skulls at people. Who's that? Oh boy. Well, Johnny Cage could duck under that with his uh dick punching move that's pretty good that's true well hang on let's go through them is anybody in charge of this warlock yes shao kahn is yes but shao kahn is even worse and plus he already burnt his phone

so that's not an option he got electrocuted to death. Is he a fan? Shao Kahn does not look like he would be a fan. Looks like if you showed Shao Kahn a TV, uh, Shang Tsung a TV, he'd probably just blow it up. Yeah, can I have a can I have a squeeze? Is that what you're gonna do? Show it to us? Oh boy.

Whoa, for some reason I imagined him a lot older. Nope. He stays young by absorbing people's souls. He's got a very wrinkly forehead. Stressed. Stressed? He's got knee pads on. He's got a slightly askew fucking like loincloth thing.

Are you going to try to bully him? Am I? Yeah, he's got bushy eyebrows I don't know I think what's going to happen here is Shang Tsung is going to transform into Liu Kang and Liu Kang is then going to transform into a dragon and eat Johnny Cage

Yeah, I don't think Johnny Cage is getting out of this one alive He's not a fan He can't call anyone Even if he leaps face first into a burning green skull this one alive. Nope. He's not a fan. He can't call anyone. Even if he leaps face first into a burning green skull, it's not gonna do shit. They like bite too, so just bite off his face.

Johnny Cage. Well, look, hey, you went into this tournament to prove that you can do your own stunts. Yeah. You've done your own stunt. You've punched someone's head clean off their body. I mean, hey. You've ripped someone's torso in half. I mean, to be fair, Johnny Cage,

the only person who is getting the word out that you even entered the tournament is Kano. Kano. So. And plus, now you're pretty disfigured, so it's going to be weird doing movies now. No, he's dead now. Oh, well.

He was disfigured. Now he's dead. Is that really worth it, Johnny Cage? He's dead and probably weird doing movies now. No, he's dead now. Oh, well. He was disfigured. Now he's dead. Is that really worth it, Johnny Cage? He's dead and probably had his soul absorbed. Yeah. Which means he will now live on eternally in Shang Tsung until Shang Tsung fires his soul at someone, I guess. I don't know how Shang Tsung's soul powers work.

So does that mean that if I'm a fan of Johnny Cage, and I'm like, I've just seen Deathmime or whatever. Deathmime 4. Deathmime 4, mime forever. Yep. And I'm like, I've just seen Deathmime or whatever. Deathmime 4. Deathmime 4, Mime Forever. Yep. And I'm like, when's the new Johnny? I've not heard anything from Johnny Cage in a while. Check out his Wikipedia. I'm like, oh, he ended on Mortal Kombat.

Then he died. Why did he do that? To prove that he's his own stunt. Does he know it's not broadcast? Did he think that was why we loved and cared about him? We just liked the engaging storylines and stellar acting Johnny Cage, you are a very delusional man Going into a tournament ain't going to improve your actoring skills, Johnny Cage

You have the most puzzling reason Jack and his agent was like, dude, just do a movie Just do another movie He's not even a fledging actor He's not even a fledging actor. He's not even like, oh no, my fans are hating me now. He's pretty well known. He's just not very confident in and of himself.

It's kind of like Tom Cruise at Top Gun era. Hard of his career, hard of fame. I'm joining the Air Force to prove I did my own stunts. For, like, for the whole entirety of the rest of my life. Yeah. No, I'm gonna enter the Red Bull fucking airplane challenge and do my own weird stunts and shit, and then just crash his plane in the ground.

Because we're like, we didn't care if you were a pilot or not, you're a fucking actor. It's not really why we watch the films you're in, you idiot. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Get over here!

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