Plumbing the Death Star - Why Who Is the Worst Dressed Avenger?

Episode Date: December 27, 2020

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's dumbest podcast network. forward slash shop. That includes such gems as Wet Parents, a D&D campaign featuring yours truly, and Tom and Dami, where we're a bunch of sea creatures who learn about family, the long-awaited sequel to Dinosaur Park, Dinosaur Park 2, Dinosaur Land, and the first hundred episodes of my Unsolved Mystery podcast, Jackson Bailey Spooks America. Once again, that's plus plus 50 at checkout for 50% off all digital downloads at sanspantsradio.com forward slash shop. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, and this one's really important, why, who is the worst dressed Avenger?

Why, who, and how? so you you dirtbags you know the avengers this yeah yeah we're talking mcu as well just to make things easier um because look let me tell you there's a lot of avengers there's a lot of comic books and a lot of outfits but also let me tell you that this question was a trick because i already know the answer because the answer is goddamn that motherfucking archer himself hawkeye that son of a bitch piece of shit because cunt is basically allergic to bullets and yet he dresses like a fuckwit not wearing things that will protect him against bullets. Mine is a really logical choice. There's no real fun to it.

It's just, if you can be shot, wear something that will stop that. Wait, which Hawkeye? I'm looking at him now. Hawkeye's out for the MCU. I like the one where he has a full sleeve and not full sleeve but still has leather braces that i'm a fan of that particular look i mean obviously he's dressed for the matrix and that's chill or whatever but i'm just talking about he's the worst dressed in the sense of you can walk up and shoot hawkeye in the spine and he's done for like that's true one bullet will just fuck that

piece of shit up and look he'd shut the fuck up and maybe that's good because he's always fucking yapping these days i'm sick of it because bringing gymnastics and a bow and arrow to the fucking avengers doesn't impress me i know okay look i get it i get it but we're not talking about hawkeye what he brings the table because we all know that it's nothing at least black widow brings a the table, because we all know that at least Black Widow brings a gun. We understand that Hawkeye is a piece of shit and he shouldn't be on the Avengers.

We're all in agreeance here. I don't think anyone in the world is going to disagree. Everyone's like, yeah, why are he there? It's basically a worse Katniss. We get it. But we're not judging him right now on the merits of his abilities. We're looking at his we're not judging him right now on the merits of his

abilities. We're looking at his dress sense. Now, purple and black, is that a good dress sense? That's the colors of an off plum. Don't dress like an off plum. I also hate Hawkeye's haircut. Hawkeye's haircut

is the haircut of a man in a midlife crisis. Which haircut? Are we talking the is the haircut of a man in a midlife crisis which haircut are we talking the end i'm talking uh i think i'm talking yeah end game both are bad but end game one is less bad just saying and it's yeah the end game one i mean look in his defense he did just see his wife and children evaporate before his eyes so i guess he was going through a mid midlife crisis but also that shouldn't be your first move is to shave the sides of your head and look like a fuckwit. I don't know. What's your first move?

Be sad. Mourn. Have a cry. Yeah. Miss my wife. Yeah. That was a pretty well thought out response. Yeah, that's fair.

Oh, no, my wife and kids. No, probably not get a haircut. Yeah, mourning's fair Oh no, my wife and kids Nah, probably not get a haircut Morning is good How far down of your ranking of things is get a haircut? Miss wife, miss kids Funeral Morning Visit family

Moping around the house What stage is haircut and kill the remaining Yakuza you do the haircut first i think well yeah i mean i guess in his defense it has been five years so i guess that's enough time to have a haircut you need a haircut but i reckon he must be at the re-download the apps phase of morning and he's been like oh this will attract a crowd but then he's also got to kill the maybe yakuza um he's definitely gone to japan to kill people well he changed his uniform which is kind of neat yeah yeah yeah he's like i'm sad so i dress different now okay yeah what do we think about his ronin um how does his ronin outfit

compare to his usual hawkeye outfit somehow it always looks like he's cosplaying like somehow even when he's definitely not he always looks like he's cosplaying as himself i hate the age of ultron and i think just original avengers outfit where he's wearing like a what do you call like what you wear to surf you know a wetsuit like a rash yeah he's got a rash on and I don't like the way it goes under his underarms because I imagine it would chafe like

hell and it's also covered in all these bullshit pockets that definitely don't hold arrows because the arrows are on his back god it's complicated there's zips where there needn't to be zips yeah again i hate this outfit he's dressed like he's just seen the matrix and he was like fuck that was unreal but my favorite part wasn't any of the story or the action but it was instead the fact that there was lots of zips and leather it looks to me like hawkeye saw the

matrix and then he saw point break and then he saw Hellraiser. But he was real sleepy throughout all of them, and he mixed them into one movie, and he was like, that'll be my outfit. Yeah. And then he got a little bit cold, and he's like, I want an overcoat like Neo, but I still want my signature off-plumb look. Yeah, I like looking like, obviously my colors are off-plumb.

Okay, we all know that. I, Hawkeye, dress and look like an off-plumb. What made someone looking like, obviously my colors are off-plum. Okay, we all know that. I, Hawkeye, dress and look like an off-plum. What made someone be like, did you reckon Hawkeye himself is being like, I'm a winter and I look really good in winter colors. Please make me look like an off-plum. Like it just never changes. Or gold.

He goes, I want to be, oh, is it royalty thing? He's like, I want to be purple or gold. I am a king. Yes. Like the kings of yore, i fire a bow and arrow too yeah i am a modern day robin hood jesus christ jeremy renner has a dad's face yeah what's he doing in this movie jeremy renner you're not an action star holy shit jeremy renner's funny because he was brought into two separate action franchises to take over from a lead. And then both of those things fell through.

And then he was in the Avengers. He was brought into Mission Impossible because apparently Tom Cruise was going to leave. And then he was brought into fucking the Bourne movies when Damien Bourne or whatever his name was. Matt Damon. That's it. Damien Bourne. Left. And then it was like, oh, this could be the new Jasonason bourne but then i was like no we hate this one and they're like well matt damon's back anyway the point of the story is he dresses like i guess his wife's dead but he dresses like someone whose wife left on purpose yeah hey

hey can i like look a pro in in Hawkeye's favor here. So his Ronin outfit or his outfit in Endgame, it has sleeves, so it covers up his god-awful tattoo. What's his tattoo? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Hawkeye, no. How would they just, like, all right.

Hang on, because I think that's like a Japanese spiritual It's like a What it's like is Somebody who has Only ever really encountered Japanese culture through Anime and like Sword shows

You know Is he a Is he a weeb? Is he a weeb? Did he witness his wife and kid and he's like, right, mourn, miss my wife, miss my kid, watch anime? Be weeb. Be weeb.

Was part of his mourning process was anime? Well, maybe that explains why he's maybe killing the yakuza uh he's gone to japan and they've been like you're a weeb and he's like what do you say they're like weeb boy and then he's upset you should call yourself a bunch of yakuza filthy weeb boy oh oh don't even get the cool one on my shoulder. It's a samurai, right? But his face is a skull. What does that represent? Hawkeye dead.

Samurai is, I guess my wife's dead. Oh, yeah. And I like sword play now. It just means nothing. I guess is he saying because his new name is Ronan, right? Yeah. So he's a samurai. I mean, a Ronan is a samurai without a master.

Is he saying he is that but also dead? That's so funny. He's like, I'm finally free of that ball and chain. I am Ronan. Wow. Everything about Hawkeye's Ronan persona shows just a distinct lack of understanding of what it means. It's just a cool word for him. Like, if you pressed him on it, you're like,

so who is the master that you've abandoned or has died? My wife? I guess maybe Black Widow? Was she your boss? No. And also, she's still alive at this point. Wait, Nick Fury. He was his master because he worked for S.H.I.E.L.D. for a bit.

Yeah, but Nick Fury's not dead. Yeah, he got... Because he worked for S.H.I.E.L.D. for a bit Yeah, but Nick Fury's not dead Oh, he did get dusted Yeah, so you mourn wife, mourn kids mourn boss, watch anime Notice boss is missing Notice similarity to the historic title of Ronin Take it! That's cool, I should get a tattoo

that sort of indicates this How do you think that went down with the tattoo artist being just like, you know, Hawkeye comes in like, yeah, I really like, I miss my wife and kids and boss. So I really would love to represent, because I'm going for

a Japanese feel. I want like a samurai spiritual thing. So can we just get like a I want a skull because they're dead, and that's how I want to remember them by. I like to think of them as my masters. My wife was like my boss.

Do you have anything like that? I guess we've got some like a Ronin thing. Oh, my God. What's that? Tell me more. What's a Ronin? That's cool. Is it possible he saw the Keanu Ree some like a Ronin thing. Oh my God, what's that? Tell me more. What's a Ronin? That's cool. Is it possible he saw the Keanu Reeves film 47 Ronin

and like me remembers literally nothing about it, including who the 47 Ronin are and then took his name from that? Well, if we are to assume- He's a fan of the Matrix. That's true. And Point Break. He's probably a big Keanu head.

He loves Keanu Reeves films. Yeah. Probably. He's a Reaver. He's a Reaver. He's one of the Reavers. He's probably a big Keanu Reeves film. Yeah. Probably. He's a Reaver. He's a Reaver. He's one of the Reavers. If his name was Reaver, that would have been better than Ronan. That would have been.

It's great as well to imagine him going into the tattoo parlor and being like, hey, yeah, so my wife and children have passed, so I want this tattoo design. And the tattoo artist being like, mostly people get like a name of their wife. Yeah. I can draw a picture of them. He's like, no, no. This means... And then fill the rest in with just snake shit. I don't give a fuck.

The rest could just be fucking snakes. It is just snakes. Yeah, I like to think sometimes I would look at my daughter and be like, she's a real fucking snake in the glass. Always remind me of her. She was slippy, she's a real fucking snake in the glass. It always reminded me of her. She was slippy.

She was a slippy one. That one never really trusted her. I think she got dusted, but I don't know. Maybe she ran away from home. I don't know. So Hawkeye's tattoo plan was samurai represents wife, skull represents dead wife, snakes represent children. Yeah.

That makes sense. Yeah, and I guess the other green mysticism around like the smoke and stuff maybe nick fury yeah boss definitely weeb though we know that oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah um hawkeye's civil war outfit is great and you pointed this out earlier zamit but quite a few of his outfits have that like one sleeve complete and one sleeve empty that's great imagine the tan he'll come away with just a tube of tan on his arm oh my god that's just gonna look so

again I know the MCU don't have like secret identities or anything like that but that'd be such a dead giveaway oh yeah I thought you were gonna be like I know the MCU doesn't have secret identities, but, like, he's not hiding shit, but also I wouldn't know he was anyone special. But maybe he should, you know?

Maybe of all the people, he should. Maybe Hawkeye should hide his own face. Is his arm hot? Does his arm get hot pulling back a bowstring? Yeah. Genuinely, why? I don't know. Maybe if you pull.

He pulls it back. That's his arm he uses to pull back the bowstring. Yeah. Does. Why? What function? Does it slide better against bare skin? Yeah.

Surely it would slide better against. Not. Wait. Why? I don't know. Did the creators of Hawkeye's outfit get Bowman confused with a guy who owns a hawk? Because, like, that is the look of somebody who owns, like, a bird of prey. Yeah.

But they're like, Hawkeye. Hey, you got to design. Hey, shield costume designers. Yeah. So Hawkeye needs a new costume now We're doing a whole Civil War thing So yeah We just need a new costume for Hawkeye

Can you just Do you think they were like They didn't know his powers And they're like this guy's gotta have a hawk Let's make him look like a falconer There's falcon and he doesn't have a hawk So surely Hawkeye has the hawk i hate working here i hope you know um so i've also noticed something really fucking stupid with his outfit

so the purple one where he's missing half a sleeve yeah look at the glove he's wearing on the arm that has no sleeve yeah so that has huge big fucking sticky out parts on the glove which means that when he does draw his bow it will get stuck on those 100%. Wait, is that a glove where, is that fingerless slash thumbless glove? Yes. I'm looking at it now. It's worse than a fingerless glove.

It's a thumbless glove. It's just fingerless and like a big chunk of thumbless. Wow. Hawkeye is embarrassing the team. He's very embarrassing. Let's look. He's got combat boots. Are combat boots cool?

I was like, combat boots are pretty cool, but now I'm like, but I'm wearing them. I don't know anymore. They're definitely kind of in the same way that like colored hair can still look cool on people. But if sometimes if people color their hair, it looks bad.

Yeah. It's like, it's a knife sedge. It's a coin flip on whether you rock combat boots. Hawkeye definitely has it. No, he does not. Yeah, it's like how people can just dress like Daria, but if someone's dressing as Daria, you can absolutely tell. Because if you keep looking at, say, the Civil War outfit, he's got two belt straps, but wrapped around one thigh.

Is that a spare belt in case his actual belt breaks? And he's like, fuck. Like, I got this spare. Is it something you sharpen his arrows on? Is it if he cuts himself on his sharp arrows? He's like, I got an inbound tourniquet. He does actually use

like a weird leather thing to sharpen a knife at one point i think yeah my weird leather thing i mean the thing you actually use to sharpen a knife what's it called leather i don't know does hawkeye have a gun in this image hawkeye hawkeye no no like yeah you're a bow and arrow guy, not a gun guy. Remember your introduction to the MCGU that really fucking sucks? The MCGU, yeah. Yeah, the MCGU. The Marvel Cinematic Graphical Interface or whatever, yeah.

Interface, a famous U word. He reaches for a gun and then he's like, no, no, no. And then reaches for a bow. Who's that for? Me? I hated it. Why'd you do it for me, Thor? Looking at this image again, right, and I hope this is like an

official piece of, it's concept design, it's concept art. What is that on his upper torso? That strange selection of buckles that seem to achieve absolutely nothing. It's over his left titty. Oh yeah. What is that? This is the same image you're

talking about that I was talking about before with that weird glove, yeah? Yeah. This is a Civil War outfit, yeah? Yeah. What's that weird titty padding that he has on one titty? Why does he need it on one titty? It's on the same size as the one sleeve. So maybe that's related?

I think that that's his quiver. I think that that is his quiver. Is that so he doesn't get shot in the titty? Is that over his left or his right side? It's over his right tit. Maybe it's so he doesn't get shot in the titty. That's where his heart maybe is. He needs his titty to pull back the bowstring.

It's infuriating to me that Hawkeye never gets a cool outfit. So everybody goes through these outfit changes that have any kind of... Also, wow, every photo of Jeremy Renner he looks bad in. I hate to keep hanging shit on Jeremy Renner. No, no, no. If one man deserves it, it's Jeremy Renner. Okay, here's an insulting thing to say about Jeremy Renner. You know when you have an action figure and you grab its little plastic head

and you squeeze it in and then it doesn't quite pop all the way out again? That's what Jeremy Renner's head looks like. It looks like it's waiting for a little bit of extra air to properly inflate. Oh my god. Jeremy Renner. Would Hawkeye be cooler or less cool if he had a crossbow? What do we think? I think at that point I'd just be like, use a fucking gun.

Yeah. I was thinking the same thing. At that point, I'm like, it's almost like you're spitting in my face, the fact that you've opted for a bow in the 21st century, because you're picking something that's so close to it. Now, here's something I'm thinking, right? And I know we said we were just going to go MCU Avengers, but is Hawkeye's classic

outfit a better outfit than the one he has in the MCU? Because I'm looking at it right now and it has a big H on the head. That's great, because now I know who he is. See that H? Hawkeye. Or I'm like Hat Man, I don't know.

Something starts with an H. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Also, do you know we do far too many things? Like we've gone and adapted one of our campaigns for our sister show, D&D is for Nerds, into a novel. So if you're sick of listening to us and want to instead enjoy your own voice narrating an adventure, just head to SandsPantsRadio.com and grab your copy of The Auticus today.

Print run is limited, but it is available as an e-book, or grab them both in a bundle. Once again, that's SandsPantsRadio.com. A lot of the time his comic book outfit also has stupid shit on the arms. Yes, this one has a glove that's almost painted on, and then a smaller glove that definitely isn't. So that is weird. It actually looks less like he put a glove on him,

more like he dipped his arm in purple paint. Which is a great way if you don't have gloves, but you need to trick people to pull that off. But those weird points he has over his eyes, kind of like that Wolverine hairstyle, but kind of like a mask that ends in points. Yeah. I don't know if...

Is that... It's just because he has that and that leads into the H. So it looks like a H-dub-V? Yeah. It does look like he's got H-V on his head. But let me just say, comic book hawkeye way more at least silver age comic book hawkeye yeah way more vibrant and exciting like you know way less confusing and he's like a ripe plum because there's no black here it's just purple and and

kind of a pale blue and yellow for his uh bow and arrow now that we're introducing like say the comic book uh uh universe yeah can you uh everyone listening i would love you to all google hawkeye as goliath okay and have a sweet look at that uniform and i want to ask if we had this one in the MCU would it be better? Why is so much of it made of metal? For those of you unfortunately unable

to get to google.com or even yahoo.com or maybe even ask Jeeves. Or AltaVista if you really want. So the Hawkeye's Goliath outfit is that he... Okay, so the best part, the absolute highlight for me is the metal combo bond. Yes.

I love the metal combo bond. So the metal combo bond is over no shirt. See, I love the big strap that is like a metal H where the bar of the H covers his little nipples. I love the fact that it's like there's a lot to love. He's got pirate boots.

He's wearing some pirate boots. So in this picture, I couldn't tell, but I've scrolled across and his shirt is attached to his mask. So it's mask which then goes down his head into his neck which becomes fully red and then goes covers the top of his shoulders and then stops

yeah it's like he's like got like not a crop on but also it's the closest so I guess the outfit must like cup his shoulders yeah if he shrugged So I guess the outfit must like cup his shoulders Yeah The tops of his shoulders

If he shrugged The elastic would make it slam into his neck That's barely clothing Goliath Hawkeye If he shrugged the elastic would go up and hit that steel H that's protecting his nipples What? So I'm assuming Goliath's power Or when Hawkeye is Gliath the power is like size

like he can grow in size i guess what big yeah but what about any of this drug some pimp articles i don't know i think i'd say probably drag some some piss oh okay he probably got a pimp cup i'm huge now that's what he does piss out of pimp cups It makes you big in the Marvel Universe Yeah but I don't know how any of this Like accentuates Like a lot of Hawkeye's costumes Are like well he's an archer So it's kind of designed in that

He's a giant guy so he has to wear a metal Cumberbund is that to stop him getting a hernia Maybe is that what he's trying to avoid Like a weight lifter As you grow big Like maybe his muscles Maybe they grow first what he's trying to avoid? Like a weight lifter? As you grow big, like maybe his muscles, maybe they grow first. Or he's worried that they might grow first so the metal is there to contain him. Maybe. So it doesn't pop out of his skin.

Wow. I'm looking at other pictures of this. It's a really weird costume because most of it is tights. Like his legs are tights tucked into pirate boots. Yeah. The whole color scheme is red and blue. Yeah. I don't know if we've mentioned that.

No. Yeah. I think he was trying to copy Captain America. He's wearing Captain America's boots, but a different color. So he's got a similar color scheme to Cap, but kind of the other way around. And the white of Captain America's outfit is replaced by cork ice white. By nudity.

But not nipples. Even in comic books, we fear the nipple. Yes. He's gone from modesty over functionality. So, it is also worth noting that I think the photo all of us are looking at is where Captain America looks shocked.

Captain America looking behind him being like, oh, shit, Clint, what the fuck are you doing? That outfit, it doesn't look good. It's bad. It's bad and I hate it. Is that a battle cummerbund? You know a cummerbund looks bad? Like a regular cummerbund looks bad. And you're meant to wear it with a suit, Hawkeye.

Not like this. Not a super suit that's mostly your skin. That's really bad. I will say, and this, we're treading on dangerous waters here because this could almost be a Hawkeye compliment. And God, I hope it doesn't end up being that. But the current Hawkeye outfit looks kind of like normal clothes, but has too many belts and whistles. Not whistles.

Belts and pouches going on. Yeah. Okay. Like the modern Hawkeye. The modern Matt Fraction. Yeah, the Matt Fraction wrong Hawkeye. He's wearing a black t-shirt that has a big purple chest print on it. I don't know what it's meant to represent,

but there's a big purple thing. It's a quiver. It looks like an arrow, you know? Does it? Oh yeah, I guess. Actually, yeah, it's the tail of an arrow. I was less confident the more that sentence went on. It kind of looks more like on Google Maps where you decide this is

the place you'd like to know about. Maybe he's pointing it to where all the fun is, you know? In his abs. Yeah. He's wearing, so he's got the, he's got, if you're looking at him front on, he's got more straps across his chest, but that is definitely his quiver. Like the other one, like the patch over his titty that we were talking about before. This one is at least leather straps just holding his quiver on.

He's got two pouches, which is a lot of pouches considering he doesn't use anything that small. I was thinking maybe though like kind of like you know when you're playing pool and you get like the thing to kind of chalk up the pool cue? Yeah, the chalk? Is that what I'm talking about?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about it? Do you have to do that with arrows? You don't chalk arrows, no. Hey, Joel Zamas, why do you chalk a pool cue? That's what I thought. So it makes it sticky. Sticky.

Is chalk a sticky substance? When you're rock climbing, you use chalk so you get a better grip. Yeah. So you get better grips. But why do you get a better grip when you're using it? Rock climbing is another example. Why do you get a better grip? Yeah.

Friction. What are you getting? Friction. Friction. Chalk famously creates friction. You reduce the friction? Reducing the friction. That seems wrong.

Could it be potentially because it would draw out the moisture? Yes. How wet does your pork you get? No, no, no. But when you're rock climbing so that your hands don't slip. Yeah. It's the friction, not just moisture.

But you still wouldn't do it to an arrow. Unless you had a really wet arrow, I guess. Let's look at Ronan in comic books because that's another outfit that is almost more insane and almost more racist.

Look, if we're talking comic books and we're talking a man that's based his personality over his love of japan and this character has existed since probably definitely at least to the 90s we're entering dangerous territory well it's not like obviously racist but it's wearing like a gi yeah yeah he's wearing a gi, yeah? Yeah, he's wearing a gi over possibly armor. Also metal. Yeah. He's gone back to metal. Yeah.

See? Yeah. This makes me really upset. If you're committing to metal, just wear a fucking bulletproof vest. This is what I was saying at the start. And, like, the gi is functionless, right? No. Like, in this outfit.

Like, if you look up Ronan comic books, is functionless right no like in this outfit like if you look up ronan comic books the the the gi is just to let people know he's also a yellow belt that's funny i mean like i know that's probably not the right martial art but if i was getting the shit beat out of me by ronan i'd be like you're not even a black belt dude that's not even impressive. Just imagine Clint Barton going to like a dojo in a mall. Yeah. Upping his grade next to a bunch of 12-year-olds who've just seen The Karate Kid. I assume this is happening in the 80s now. It's so on the nose to pick a concept like Rodan when like Hawkeye is not trained in martial arts, right?

I mean, I think he might be now yeah but like that's even more insane imagine you already are an archer right you're the best archer in the world but you're like i want to be a martial art like why why you're already good why start from the bottom again and learn martial arts just to call yourself Ronan? It's insane. And he's had to learn how to use like a samurai sword and nunchucks, which he has both of in this picture. You can't use both at once, Ronan. I hate your mask as well so much.

Now, look, going on the Hawkeye comic book. So I want you guys to Google hawkeye ultimates comic out so there was there was a time in the ultimate comics when hawkeye oh my fucking god and kids died so then he got real morny and started using guns instead horny jesus you got morny do i make you morny baby Cause my wife and kid are dead You don't make me Mourney Austin Powers The death of my wife and child Just dressed like fucking Neo

But also Morpheus At the same time Are you looking at the same fucking drawing I am Where his knees are basically The fucking grass people from Zelda He's got Korok knees. No. You're looking at the wrong one.

You need to see these Korok knees. So what did you Google? I've chucked it in the chat. You know I love to do that. Oh, you're always throwing shit in the chat. You need to see the Korok knees. Or Shy Guy knees. Oh, no.

There's so much to take in I want to say this is from Ultimates 3 his belt buckle looks like a car sigil you know car logos I don't know why I went sigil car sigil

you know a mystic car sigil like if that was like the Toyota symbol you wouldn't be shocked i would be i bet if it was a hyundai or maybe another car brand that started with h because that's clearly an h i would be less shocked yes can we talk about the target on his head yeah genuine target that he's put on his head did he get that from bullseye i would love that because if I was a bad guy, I would be like, is this a joke? Is this a trick? I'm going to shoot him there and see what happens.

Is he pranking me if I shoot him there when something bad happened to me? Oh, no, I've just killed Bork-Eye. Oh, he's just dead. And then later on in the tavern, you'd be like, in the tavern, yeah. You know how comics take place in fantasy? Yeah, but in the bar, you'd be like... You know taverns exist in how comics take place in fantasy yeah but in the bar you'd be like

you know taverns exist in real life yeah yeah but you know that's not the right word yeah when the the goon is at the saloon later on and he's like i just shot hawkeye in the fucking head oh yeah i can we talk about in this in this particular image this ultimate three hawkeye i guess his weird ball sack mask yeah at least he's like at least he's got his hair out yes that's true that is why is that good i don't know i genuinely don't know it It's visible. Surely that's going to be hard to like, okay, so imagine you're fighting Hawkeye. Like a fist fight. And so you're like, wait a second. The top of

his head is very unprotected. So you just do like a punch down. Swing up and down. Right into the middle of his head. The Death Star classic. From above. Birds on you. Boom.

Right down the top of Hawkeye's head. And Hawkeye. Surely that's going to be hard to put on, right? And stylized to make your hair zhuzhed out. Plus, you know, oh, he's not wearing a helmet. Sick. I have a gun. It's basically the same fashion style as if you're putting on a turtleneck sweater,

but you stop too early every single outfit from the movies to comic books that hawkeye ever wears looks hard to put on so like silver age or whatever heroic age hawkeye is like a tunic over tights over pirate boots with dipped in paint gloves. Like, it's all bad. Oh, wait. I just realized. So that Ultimate 3 Hawkeye, you can kind of see the thing on his chest there. That's a stylized H.

That rolls. Got a H on your belt, H on your chest, target on your head. Perfect. Are you Bullseye? And the Hawkeye would gesture to the H, and I'd be like, are you you Bullseye? And the Hawkeye would gesture to the H and I'd be like, are you Hullseye? I don't know what you're

saying. Are you Hogget? Is that Are you Hogget, man? You are a hard target. A Hogget. Are you a hit with arrows guy? Is that who you are? What's going on there? Target, target. Are you a hit with arrows guy?

Who you are? What's going on there? It is crazy to me that all throughout his comic appearances and his MCU appearances, that the one thing, not only does he dress like a stupid fucking cunt that I hate looking at, him being very unaware that he is one of the only Avengers that bullets would immediately kill. Yeah, your initial point from the top of the episode remains. He's not safe in any of these outfits. If anything, painting a target on your head,

that's something even I didn't expect from him, but here we are. Now, I've just linked another little Hawkeye costume. I think it's the original Ultimates lineup there. But look, we talk about him cosplaying as Neo. Oh, my God. Yeah, that's the image I was originally looking at. It's Neo mixed with Morpheus.

Yeah, he's just like, I'll be Neo and Morpheus. He loves Keanu Reeves. Yeah. Hawkeye. Wow. These are loves Keanu Reeves Hawkeye These are the things I know about Hawkeye He loves Bow and Arrow He loves Keanu Reeves He loves anime

And the only two shoes he'll ever wear Are pirate or combat boots That's it And if you look at the Ultimate 3 version It's a combination of both It is too Oh my god so that the uh neo slash morpheus hawkeye at one point when he was naked and bound broke his fingernails and used them as shards to kill

his captors that's not impressive that's just fucking it's wrong yeah it's yuck. It's bad to think about. That is yuck. It's very cool that in every single iteration of Hawkeye ever, he looks like a dumb fuck. You know, a fuckwit across all realities. Like, he looks so stupid that I don't even respect that he's clearly trying to die on purpose. Something that I usually know and love. And at the top of the episode, I said, just kidding.

I knew the answer. It's Hawkeye. Turns out I was right once again. Yeah, I got nothing else to add. No, me neither. I had something in the back pocket, but I've looked at all of these pictures and I can't deny it. He looks terrible.

I was like, sure, Thor's got a silly cape, but... Yeah, I was like, the vision... He's got a cape cape but yeah i was like the vision's got a cape that's kind of neat some silly colors i guess but like yeah he's stuck to a theme strange oh look at his silly cape but at least it does something it does yeah can protect him he looks silly but he's like yeah but my life may be protected because of yeah in fact it does actively protect his life at points hawkeye on the other hand is just a fucking joke also hawkeye gets fucking tapped in the fucking brain and goes bad yeah there you go anyone needed a helmet okay okay on that note i've been joel i've been jackson and i've also been joel and hawkeye

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