Plumbing the Death Star - Why Would Anybody Adopt Stuart Little? (Ft. Ben Russell)

Episode Date: June 30, 2019

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SANS PANTS RADIO, one of your five a day. confusing cowboy themed horror based role playing game ever created under the sun, here's a legitimate sentence in regards to character creation. Draw 12 cards and then discard two, but not twos. That's the kind of shit you've got to deal with. And I fucking love it. It's going to be me, your Marshall, and then Adam, Cass and Zamet. And who knows what they'll do, but I'm sure it'll be fucking good. It'll be a rip roaring cowboy based spooky ass adventure with all your favorite pals. And you'd be the world's dumbest fuck if you didn't come watch. Once again, that's twitch.tv slash sanspantsradio from the 1st to the 5th of July from 11am Melbourne time. Be there or fuck you. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like,

Why would anybody adopt Stuart Little? Whoever remembers the film Stuart Little? No. The trilogy. There's three of them? There's three of them? There's actually a fourth one, potentially. I think the fourth one's animated.

Yeah, the third one is also animated. Stuart Little goes camping. So in the first Stuart Little. They didn't have the budget to show a mouse camping in live action. Instead, they animated it. And then there's possibly a fourth one, but maybe not. I'm not sure. I know there's definitely a third one.

But we all remember Stuart Little One. What happened to Stuart Little One? So, like, say, those in the room, I mean, have no idea what anything about Stuart Little happened. Hugh Laurie needs a kid. He needs more money. He's already got one kid, but it's not enough. And I guess he's barren.

So, him and his wife need to adopt a new child. They go to the orphanage and they see all these kids and they're like, fuck these kids. I don't want any of these. And then they see a mouse voiced by Michael J. Fox, who's, he's very charming. Oh, of course. He's got little jeans on.

And they're like. And no one just screams like, oh, God, a talking mouse? No, well, they're like, we'd like to adopt this mouse. And the orphanage lady is like, are you sure? There's all these children. There's a lot of prejudice against mice in New York City, I guess, in the world of Stuart Little. Well, they spread disease.

They're also just mice. Gina Davis is his wife. Gina Davis, I could not remember. All right, well, then Gina Davis and Hugh Laurie decide we're going to adopt Michael J. Fox, the mouse. And so they bring him home. Stuart Little is his name. Is he wearing clothes at the orphanage?

Yeah. Why is he... Are their names Little? Yes, I think they are the Littles. It's not just... That would be quite a coincidence. What happened to Stuart's parents? Why is he in the orphanage? Is that the plot of the second one? No, that's the plot are the littles. It's not just... That would be quite a coincidence. What happened to Stuart's parents? Why is he in the orphanage?

Is that the plot of the second one? No, that's the plot of the first one. He's like, I got my adopted family, and then I've got my other family. And he thinks, over the course of the film, that, oh, my other family has found me, but actually they are gangster mice that the cat has employed, and they live inside the castle at a mini golf

course so in this universe mice talk yeah but all mice talk i suppose so does the cat talk yeah but the cat does not wear clothes and is a pet where stewart little is like a guy do the people talk to the cat no but the cat talks to the mouse. So there are some inconsistencies already. Or is a mouse kind of like a babel fish? Like we need one of them around to talk to other animals. I guess if you wanted to communicate with the cat, you could ask Stuart Little what the cat was saying, and then the cat would communicate it to Stuart Little.

But they're from different worlds. How could they communicate with each other? Just this belief that all animals can talk to each other is absolutely wrong. It is. It is, but Stuart Little proves that it happens. They talk to birds as well? Yes. In the second one, Stuart Little falls in love with a bird

who has, I think, a terrible debt to a hawk. To a hawk or what? Did you say horse or hawk? Hawk. Oh, okay. At the end of Stuart Little 2, there's a big fight with a hawk. Because that hawk, I think she owes money to the hawk. Money?

Why does the hawk need money? Yeah, the hawk doesn't need money. You know what? Let's just focus on the first film because it sounds like the second one is going to make me sick. I'm just going to just touch back. Hi, everyone. My name is Ben Russell. It's great to be here, by the way.

Thanks for coming. Stuart Little wants to fuck the bird, the sparrow in the cloaca It's sort of Stuart Little's age is something we should figure out because the average mouse lives four years

but he appears to be like a young adult or like a teen in the movie So I guess he's like a several month old male. Or he's got a couple of months left to live. He's still trying to claim onto his youth. Well, his parents... How old are mice when they've reproduced?

Because his parents are still alive. Oh, that's true, actually. Or his fake parents are still alive. Maybe Stuart Little is only a couple of months old. That would make sense. All right. Yeah. Which means he's still got a whopping three and a bit

years left. By the time... What's the name of the kid? George? Grinch. George Grinch Little. Eleanor and Frederick Little and their young son George. No, I was trying to think of the name of the actor, but by the time Grinch is...

He's safe. Jonathan Lipnicki? Yeah, Jonathan Lipnicki. I knew it was a great last name. Jonathan Lipnicki is like maybe eight at the events of this film. This was written by M. Night Shyamalan. Yeah, yeah. M. Night Shyamalan wrote Stuart Little,

but not, I don't think, Stuart Little 2. Is there a twist at the end? I guess a twist is in the minds, yeah. Not his real parents, yeah. Wow. But Lipnicky, right, is, he is, say, eight. So what, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, on his twelfth birthday. His brother dies.

His brother dies. Well, like, when I was young, we had some pet mice, and, like, yeah, they don't live that long. Four, like, if you're lucky. Yeah, yeah. And I had, like, a couple of them, and one died and the others ate him. You know, like, yeah, they don't live that long. I mean, four, like, if you're lucky. Yeah, yeah. And I had, like, a couple of them, and one died and the others ate them. You know, like... Yeah, right.

Mice... They've got a way about them. Yeah. They love to fuck. That's one of the most important things. Well, something I was thinking about Stuart Little is that he fits... He's wearing jeans. Yes.

Now, we all know mice balls are gigantic. We all know. You don't even need to say that to the audience because it's common knowledge. I think that was rat balls, Jack. I don't know if mice balls are also huge. Rat balls. Someone Google mice balls. No.

Right now. Deal. All right, let's see. Thanks, J.D. No worries. Keep talking while I Google mice balls. Because mice balls are so big, and clearly Stuart Little has none, has he been neutered by the orphanage?

He wears pants. Yeah, that's what I mean. If his balls are so big, they Little has none. Has he been neutered by the orphanage? He wears pants. Yeah, that's what I mean. If his balls are so big, they'd show up. Well, if we're going on the fact that he's just a little boy mouse, then maybe he hasn't developed yet. They have yet to drop or inflate. Maybe the fact that in the second one, when he does get horny for a bird, that is him coming into his own.

His body is developing. He's discovering parts of his mice body. He's learning to love and touch himself. I'm glad that you said mice body. So people also ask, do mice have big balls? Why do male mice have such large testes? I guess they do. Testes.

It actually turns out that the mice and rat balls aren't actually that big. It's just that rats and mice are, to quote, hot little beasts. So part of that sack is fat that holds the testicles well out from the body to keep them cool. So they've got fat sacks. Stuart Little has a fat sack.

That's why the bird loves him. Are they baggy jeans? No. They're cargo pants, aren't they? Maybe they are cargo pants. Maybe it's just like one's hanging down one side, the other's hanging down the other. To keep them cool.

So this is gross, but you know how a rat's balls drag behind it? Yeah. Maybe Stuart Little has tucked them underneath and given himself like a big booty. Yeah, yeah. He's tucked and given himself like a big booty. Yeah, yeah. He's become thick. He's tucked and made himself thick. He's strapped.

Yeah, exactly. But also his whole physiology is kind of wrong because mice don't, like when he stands up straight, mice is like mice is. Mouses? No, just mice. Mice. Mice's shoulders don't work that way.

Yeah, their skeleton is, it's not a humanoid skeleton no that's true so in that respect maybe he's like a island of dr moreau kind of freak like a lab mouse a real man a real he's got a human brain in a mouse's body what happened to the mice in the stewart little universe to make them so Well, it's weird that you have, like, a convergent evolution, humans and mice, except the mice don't have their own houses or society. They're living off our scraps. Yeah.

So I don't know what to make of that. I'm guessing it's a new thing that happened? This is a little bugaboo that I have, and that is with, like, mice don't have lips, you know. Yeah, that's very true. They're not famous for their lips. No. They're not going to give you good kisses.

In the second, when you were talking about birds, and the birds, obviously, they talk, and you're like, that bird doesn't have motherfucking lips, bitch. You know what I'm saying? The craziest thing is that I think they kiss. The two lipless creatures kiss each other. Now, everyone listening and everyone in the room, Jackson is claiming there's an animated film

that you see a mouse kiss a bird. Yeah, isn't that like a full-on make-out? The reality of the situation is if a bird was talking to you, it would just be like, Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. That's the best bird impression we've ever had on this show. I love you. I love you. That's the best bird impression we've ever had on this show. I love you. I love you.

Are you my friend? Do it a little. I'm horny for your mother. I hawk a lot of money, Stuart Little. Fuck you in the car. Fuck off. All right. a hawk a lot of money, Stuart Little. Yeah. Fuck you in the cloaca. All right. And now I'm just imagining Stuart Little eating out a cloaca, and no one's happy,

but, well, someone, I guess. Hopefully that bird has had a bath. They both have disease-carrying rodents. Well, she's like a robin. I don't think they carry diseases. They all carry diseases. Would you eat out of robins? Would you eat a robin. I don't think they carry diseases. They all carry diseases. Would you eat out of robins? Would you eat out robin?

Yes. Absolutely. Okay, so why would anyone adopt? The only reason I could think of adopting one, I just would not employ one maybe to talk to a cat or a dog. I would 100% adopt a mouse because it's a shorter commitment time yeah that's what i want i want uh i want if you could have like a bit of medicine that you inject into your baby that like it develops really quick but only lives half as

long you want to jack your baby i want to jack my baby i want to put that i want to concentrate that time and then i want it to be like a dog, like a big dog. A big dog. That's great. Your twilight years are so much longer than the average parent. Robin Williams and Jack, he lives nine years or something? I think so. Stupid Jack.

You fuck. You dumb fuck. The only scene I can remember from that film is him him being a grown man and farting in a tree house yeah the tree house fall down maybe he gets his graduation so he lives quite a while yeah you might not want to jack your kid okay well they do say that one of the greatest tragedies is a parent outliving their child yeah but can we push that to extreme and how many children can we adopt and outlive If it's mice

Because I reckon a lot I love that the orphanage is like Are you sure That's just not the orphanage's job Like if I go to an orphanage and I'm like I'd like to adopt this kid And they're like You picked a bad one That one sucks

Mice are sexually mature very quickly That's true Imagine having like a three year old Orold or a four-year-old, that's a toddler, that's just running around wanting to like impregnate shit and being able to. Wanting to bang all those robins. For some reason, if I imagine Stuart Little making love to a house rat, I'm imagining the rat looking just like a rat.

In that case, I mean, Stuart Little is a kid when he could sire a litter of other children. In high school health, watching a, what do you call it, like a PSA called I'm Too Young to Be a Father. And I think Stuart Little is too young to be. I think that was about him, you know? Does he have a job? No, well, he's a child.

I'll tell you the thing Stuart Little does over the course of the Stuart Little film. Yeah, walk us through it. So he participates in a boat race. So Lipnicki or whatever his name is, he's like a model boat enthusiast, you know, like a remote control boat. Can you be an enthusiast if you're 10 years old? Well, you're never more enthusiastic. That's right.

That's the peak enthusiasm in which we live in. I'm never as enthusiastic about anything. Exactly. When I was 10, everything was exciting. I've got some exciting news for you then. Now I pray for death. So Stuart Little's based on a book. That book was written by the same person who wrote Charlotte's Web

and in the book, Stuart Little is born to human parents. What the fuck? That is awesome. Okay, so is Stuart Little the only of his kind? In the book? Possibly. I can see how they might have decided to change that in the movies.

Like, did the mother know she was pregnant? Yeah. Like, what happened? Imagine that ultrasound. They're like, we're just going to have a look. And they're like, she's lying there not looking at the ultrasound, and you're just like, okay. Okay, have you been putting mice inside you?

Mice are born to litters. So are there brothers and sisters of him? Yeah. Also, I'm just trying to work out sizing-wise. He's kind of like the newborn alien in Alien Resurrection. That's true. There are quite a few similarities between the two. But I know what you mean.

A baby mouse is like the size of like a lima bean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I just don't think that's hard to pass out a vagina. No, I could pass a lima bean out of my vagina. like that like that i can do it today i can do it tomorrow five minutes prep time and it's out just give me a mice to fuck me yeah up in there and a mice could just crawl up into the floping tube jack off onto your you know into your uterus. It's direct. That's straight to the source.

Then climb right out and be like, hey, I sorted it out. Tip its hat to you, put its coat back on and leave. Joel's throughout that looks like he was just like, wait, why? But what did you expect? Where did you think this episode was going? When I said he was a rat born to human parents, what did you think the next part of the episode was going? When I said he was a rat born to human parents,

what did you think the next part of the episode was going to be? Good question. I also know as either the mother or father in that delivery room, because again, I'm trying to work that out, because you'd have nine months of whatever, assuming you'd be like, oh yes, I'm giving birth. Do they give birth to a baby and a mouse? Oh, a baby boy and a rat?

What's happening here? And the baby has the mind of a rat. And the rat has the mind of a baby. So that means you've got a you know, a big rat. You've got a toddler that's chewing on shit. You know, in that case, I feel I would have thrown the mouse in the bin and raised Rat Boy.

I've got some terrible news about Stuart Little. I don't know how it could get worse. Well, there's no fucking or rats in vaginas and no mouse cum. Well, that's disappointing. But in the film, it is revealed that Stuart Little's parents died seven years ago, meaning that Stuart Little is not a teenager, but... He's an adult male.

He's an old man. He's an ancient being. He's a crone of a man. He's the oldest of his kind. In the film, he's seconds away from his parents for a second of the day. Is his parents also other mice, or is it... Does he think they're mice? Well, maybe they were

people. Well, the movie never says. The movie's not clear about it. The movie just says that they were killed by a collapsing pyramid of canned cream of mushroom soup. So it really could have been two people. Which in this description in brackets says, which is very heavy soup. So maybe it is just.

Thanks for that. Not one of them light soups. Not one of them light soups. Imagine somebody curses you. I've not been able to stop thinking about this. Imagine somebody curses you to have one rat cum. Of all all the comes you're gonna have in your life one of them will be a rats and you don't know which is which and then that happens to be whilst when you impregnate your wife and she gives birth to a rat okay that's the situation i'm picturing i posit i posit this

to you please uh he is stewart little is ancient yes he's not he's in fact older than Seven we're talking about a Highlander mouse situation where there can be only one and he is masquerading as a boy oh that's terrifying like a serial killer

but he's actually millennia what's he getting out of being born in a scottish he's a friend he's actually a french mouse born in scotland and an egyptian scottish man trains him okay he's eventually killed by another mouse or just a highlander who squishes him with the sword by the Kurgan, yes. Another reason I can think to adopt Stuart Little is maybe you receive some money for, like, raising a mouse. Do you know what I mean? I was going to say, because, like, again, life expectancy.

Yeah, that kind of, like, that angle maybe. Potentially the welfare or potentially, like, do you get anything if a child dies, like, money-wise? I don't think the government gives you anything because the child at no point made an income. Is that a thing that happens? Like, oh man, your child's dead, have a dollar? Perhaps the family are-

A dollar, maybe not. Perhaps the family are addicted to the sympathy they receive from dead children. Munchausens! Yeah, maybe they got Munchausens and this is a way to do it That doesn't damage anyone Because the mouse Was going to die anyway

Stuart Little too Is set three years After the first one Meaning that Stuart Is now ten And still a teenager Also he gets kicked By a soccer ball

And survives So Ben's Highlander theory Seems very very very accurate Seems on the money Yeah Hey does the film Does the film want us to think That Stuart Little

Will grow into a man Do they Do they want us to imagine A world where Stuart Little leaves home and gets a job? See, this again feeds into the Highlander theory is the fact that he doesn't. Even in the third one. He just goes camping. He just goes camping. Is he? I mean, I think he is.

The stakes really got high, though. Or he's a vampire mouse. But he goes into daylight. He's a day though. Or he's a vampire mouse, but he goes into daylight. He's a day walker. He's a day walker. Maybe Stuart Little will one day kill his family and Lipnicki, and then he'll go back to the orphanage and wait for a new one. That's the cycle.

Yeah. Maybe this is like the movie Orphan. Yeah, I was thinking maybe it is like the movie Orphan, because looking from Stuart Little's perspective, if he is this ancient beast, I mean, he gets looked after. That's nice. If he acts as a child, then he doesn't have to pay for anything.

Yeah, though he's a mouse. He could just steal. Stuart Little is just never going to live. Assuming Stuart Little is not an immortal being, he's not going to live. His quality of life is so low. So are there other mice to look after? I mean, for a mouse, I think his quality of life is so high. That's why he's chosen as an immortal being to pose as a child mice.

So he's been chosen by a grander power. Well, that's the thing about the Highlander universe. You don't really know. They just kind of are. That's the mystery. They're not beholden. I'm pretty sure they're aliens. Oh, yes, that's right.

Are you forgetting Highlander 2? Yeah, just like everyone else forgets Highlander 2. From Planet Zorgon. Yeah. Or some. They just totally fucked that. That was so terrible. Highlander 3 came along and everyone was like,

let's forget about number 2, it's fine. Yeah, they did. They were like, they kindly retconned it. From memory in Stuart Little, he does eventually go to high school and there are no other mice like him. That bird is a sentient or sapient being. I'm just trying to work out, like, the mice that the cat employs, are they also like Stuart Little mice?

Yes, yeah, yeah. Or are they kind of like only being able to talk to that cat, like, say, the parents? No, no, no, because they have a thing. So everyone else can chat to these mice. See, there are inconsistent rules in this universe that are really bugging me. At least, I mean, it is, as I said before,

it is the poor man's Paddington bear. It's true. But the thing about Paddington bear is Paddington bear is the only one of his kind. He can't talk to animals. Animals can't talk to... Animals are animals. And he, just

the bears from Deepest Darkest Peru can talk. Yeah, like Paddington, absolutely. But Stuart Little... But Stuart Little, they don't give a fuck about that, and that's pissing... That really pisses me off. It's making me mad, too. Stuart Little can talk to only cats, I think. Well, and birds,

I guess, and a hawk. There's no rules. There's no rules. Good point, Joel Zammett. A hawk is a bird. You. And birds, obviously. There's no rules. Good point, Joel Zammett. A hawk is a bird. You fuckwit, Jackson. It's a bigger bird. Birds and a hawk. I'm pretty sure it's a falcon, but that's fine. And the sausage dog.

Why does the falcon or hawk... I'm fairly sure the robin owes him money. Why does the Falcon or Hawk What is it? I'm fairly sure the Robin owes him money Why does the Falcon need money? I don't know, I don't remember I've only seen that one once I've seen Stuart Little, the first one, like four times Why?

It's a great piece of cinema No it isn't I've only seen a little bit of it And I can tell you that it is a shit film. And now a quick word from our sponsors. Also, plumbing is sweet as a summer breeze and all, but did you know that we produce at least eight other podcasts? Maybe you wish we'd stopped talking about superheroes

and Star Wars and dog dicks, and instead sought out which kind of frog is the superior frog, or what would be the best kind of metal to be crushed under? If this sounds like you, then why not head to sanspantsradio.com and search for Shut Up A Second, a nonsense podcast that's far better than it has any right to be. What are the benefits of adopting a small mouse child?

So far... I can get into cracks. Just quickly, before we answer the question that we bravely posed today. Yes. It is a canary. Okay. Not a robin. And it is stealing jewels and beers for the falcon in exchange for a home.

Okay. And why does the falcon need jewels and beers? I think they just like it like magpies. Yeah, right. It looks pretty. Maybe they're trying to get a mate. What sort of falcon is it? Yeah.

Just says falcon. Yeah, that one. That's the fastest one. It looks pretty. Maybe they're trying to get a mate. What sort of falcon is it? Just says falcon. Yeah, that one. That's the fastest bird on the planet. Jake turned into one in Animorphs. We all got peregrine falcon facts. Anyway, Stuart Little maybe indirectly kills the falcon. So that's pretty good.

He blinds it and then... I don't think it's murder if you kill a mouse or a falcon, so that's pretty good. That's murder. He blinds it and then it... That's fucked. I don't think it's murder if you kill a mouse or a falcon. But it's a boy. You can adopt it. If you can adopt it... It's weird that he's taken a life, though, isn't it? It is weird that he's taken a life.

That is something that's going to haunt Stuart Little. He's 10 or ageless. 10 or ageless, absolutely, which is the equivalent of Stuart Little crashes a plane presumably a paper plane into the Falcon it's a model plane

oh yes I remember the promotional material for that ok so the benefits of adopting a mouse so far it'll be a quick childhood. That's right, plus it'll be cheap. Yeah, and so cheap. One Cheeto, he's good.

He does little mouse shits, so you don't have to worry about that. Spreads disease. Spreads disease. I mean, that's good if you want that. You're going to have to experience a death of not just a pet, but a child. That's a good test, because you're not going to care. Look, controversial opinion, you're not going to care. Look, controversial opinion. You're not going to care about Stuart Little as much as you're real.

A hundred percent. I mean, that's it. It's not really a child. I mean, the life of a mouse is not, I'm sorry, but it's not equivalent to a life of a human being. Maybe that's a controversial opinion, but it's just the case. If Stuart Little got run over, the family would be like, but they did move on.

Yeah, it might be sad for a day. It might be sad for maybe a couple of days because cheap funeral. Yeah. Dig a hole out the back. Weird side effect of the Stuart Little universe that I don't know if we've explored yet is that rats must not be a pest in the Stuart Little. Well, because they're people. No, that's mice.

Okay, rats are a big problem. Rats are a big problem. Oh, man, your rat could eat your boy so quickly. Yeah. Oh, man, the dangers of having a mouse boy is exponential. Like, think of a bee sting. You know, your boy gets got by a bee sting. No, that's not sad.

Stuart Little, kill him. Absolutely. Well, that's what I was thinking. Stuart can bee sting and kill a mouse. Yeah. Really? I reckon. I reckon.

Let's find out. Like a version of Will It Blend, but it's Will It Die. Will It Die. We got 100 bees. We got one mouse. Let's see who wins. Let's look at the end of My Girl, where a whole hive. Bees always win.

Yeah, a whole hive kills Macaulay Culkin. How many needs to kill Stuart Little? Maybe four? Spoiler alert. What's the plot of My Girl 2? He's back, baby. Zombie Macaulay. I don't even know if it is Macaulay Culkin.

Why is there a second one? Is it the same girl? It's not Macaulay. I think it's the same girl. That's odd. I would know if it was Macaulay. I think it's the same girl. Yeah. That's odd. I would know if it was Macaulay. There's something tragic happening to her next. Macaulay Culkin is in My Girl.

It's life after Macaulay. I'm thinking of Little Rascals. You piece of shit. That's Alfalfa. It's Macaulay Culkin. But not in the second one. No. No, because he died.

I know he died. Everyone's always sad about that scene. You know, I have not seen that film. But I know that he dies yeah i've known he dies forever yeah you know it's one of the oldest sort of and i don't give a fuck yeah yeah i'm not like oh you just spoiled the my girl for me look my girl too if i can just look at the the poster it looks like she moves on and finds another boy that kind of looks like him but worse okay well she was presumably quite traumatized by his

death by bees. Do you reckon he dies in that too? Fair enough. Because that's fucked. I wonder if it's the same type of remake, well, not remake, sequel where they're like, the same thing again. Yeah. Oh, dies by wasps. They're gonna up the ante. A bear. But yeah, Stuart Little could get killed by a bee or a wasp or, because the reason I asked about rats

is because what if you have a rat problem and you leave out rat sack and Stuart Little is like, this smells really good. And then you find your son bleeding. Well, I guess you just killed your boy. Yeah, I mean, Ratsack, you bleed internally. Yeah. So he's just got blood coming out of every orifice. I don't feel very good.

And then you throw him out the back room. You think about having to baby proof your house when you have a baby, but trying to mouse-proof your house so the safety of the mouse is a lot harder. Like I remember... Always in the crawl space, looking up porn. Hey, do you think Stuart Little will be attracted to human women? Well, obviously not.

Because, again, horny mouse. Mice are the horniest animals in the world. It's a well-documented fact. We all know. We're all there. Yeah. He seems quite sort of humanoid. Do you reckon he loves a bit of ladies?

Or men? You know? Who knows? 2019. It just appears so giant for him. You know what I mean? What I'm thinking is that there just aren't that many... What's porn famous for?

Giant women? Yes, kind of. Giant bits of women. What? What is happening right now? Or is it, does he just love the animal channel? Yeah. Animal Planet.

Discovery. He just loves that stuff. Geographical. National Geographic. If Stuart Little watched Geographical National Geographic If Stuart Little watched Other Animals Fuck Would he get off? The Mouse Channel Well obviously he is not ashamed to go into species

Because he wants to bang that bird That's true, he's got a bird fetish at least At the very least But he just can't Maybe you can find porn of that in the Stuart Little world Is the bird a woman? Yeah, yeah. Okay, the bird is a woman.

And the bird has a little hat. So that makes it okay? Well, no, it just means- Is it a sexy hat? It's like a flight cap. I don't know. Is that good? Well, think about it like this.

Stuart Little wears pants and a top, and she only wears a hat. But it's not like animals are all nude, except I guess the cat is. Is it kind of like His fake parents Do they also wear clothes? Yes Just humans are naked in this world Welcome home

And it's just the cat that's naked Well the cat's just a cat It doesn't have clothes It's weird to refer to a cat as naked The peregrine falcon is also naked i'm just trying to work out is there a correlation between understanding and talking to the animals if they're clothed or not it's cool magic in the clothes you know i'm trying to craft some straws little has original sin that's cool he knows shame adam eve and some rat fuck In the Garden of Eden

Yeah Everybody is quite like shocked That they've adopted a mouse It must be a known thing you can do Mice are a known sentient, sapient species Yeah, but there's obviously mouse-ism Yeah, but the stigma, you're right Again, I don't think they live till four

Clearly they have the lifespan of a human Yeah, they must have We just have to accept that And maybe that plan to be like Oh good, I'm going think they live till four. Clearly they have the lifespan of a human. Yeah, they must do. We just have to accept that. And maybe that plan to be like, oh, good, I'm going to outlive my son is now in the shitter because they age like man. But is the stigma... No, they can't age like man because George, who is like six or seven, is six or seven, but is Stuart's older brother. But the film makes it clear that Stuart is a teenager. What? But he's 10 years old by Stuart Little film makes it clear that Stuart is a teenager. What?

But he's 10 years old by Stuart Little Three. See, that's the problem. There's no logic to this. Yeah. Well, it's kind of like... You set up the rules. Part of world building and writing is that you set up the rules to your world. But these ones, there are no rules.

It's just whatever is convenient for the plot. For M9. You're right. They're like, should we give this bird pants? And someone was like, how? How are we going to put pants on this bird? Is it like every one mouse year is two human years? So, yes, he's seven in mouse years, in human years,

but he's actually 14. Is that how it is? Yeah, until the split of the second one when he's 20. Well, I mean, but he's actually 14. Is that how it is? Yeah, until the split of the second one. Is he 20? No? I mean, because he's playing soccer in his younger brother's team. So I guess he's still... Highlander mouse.

Or is it every one year is worth 1.5 years? I just don't know that. I don't know if it's happening for you. But George is 10. Yeah. But Stuart is pursuing a romantic relationship. So Stuart has to be significantly older because you wouldn't have a romance with a 10-year-old.

But mice mature sexually pretty much immediately. Kind of almost straight away. So you could argue that by Stuart Little 1, Stuart Little is sexually mature. He's DTF. Yeah, he's just got other stuff going on. He's a slave to his biology. He's got a hard mouse dick.

Can we explore the soccer team that allows a mouse to participate? Well, there's no rules saying they can't play. Air Bud rules, idiot. It's fine. I feel like that's offensive to say to Stuart Little. If a dog can play, you can play. Does he play soccer? Yeah, he plays soccer.

In the second one. With human beings. Dog's going to be a hassle for Stuart Little as well. Exactly what you think happens, minus the bloody death happens in the film. He gets stuck. He's trying to kick the ball, and someone else kicks the ball,

and he's stuck to the ball and goes into the net. Yeah. Who allowed him to play soccer? That's my question. His parents? Who looked at that and was like, this won't go wrong i think davis is an olympic athlete a lot of people don't know that that's what in what i

believe shooting oh that's cool that's or archery or something like that's wild so you're saying that jenna davis is like she understands the nature of sports and And? You know, she probably, you know, faced prejudice and stuff being a woman, and so maybe she understands what Stuart Little's going through. Twist, though. She's an overprotective mother in Stuart Little, too, and hates that he's playing sport.

Hugh Laurie, I think, is like, you gotta let the boy play. And then playing with other mice. Hugh Laurie's trying to kill his son. Yeah. Let the boy play soccer. Give the boy a gun. Hugh Laurie just doesn't want to be a part of this franchise. Yeah. Hugh Laurie's trying to kill his son. Let the boy play soccer. Give the boy a gun. Hugh Laurie just doesn't want to be a part of this franchise anymore.

Hugh Laurie at this point I think has probably been like, I thought this mouse would have died last year and he's not, so let's try to hurry that up. Life insurance, accidental death. That's how you get money from a dead kid, life insurance. Yeah, there you go. So they're getting the mouse for life insurance. Do you think if you went to-

Oh, that is the perfect crime. If you were like, hi, I'd like to take some life insurance out on my son. And they're like, is your son a mouse? Well, I mean, it's not on the form. I've legally adopted. Oh, that's true. I have legally adopted my boy. Age four.

Seven, apparently. Age seven. I'd like to take out life insurance, and often accidental deaths pay out more. Yeah, that's true. And if any death happens to Stuart Little, it will be accidental. Well, yeah. He is a mouse.

Can't mice die from fright? They absolutely can. So you just gotta go, Good morning, Stuart! Again, let's find out. Let's spook a mouse real hard. Yeah, so we could spook this mouse. You could spook Stuart Little to death And then claim the life insurance

So I guess the only reason I could think about adopting this particular mouse Would be to be A, I want to talk to animals Like Dr. Little and have like an intermediary Or B, life insurance And I guess I'm a little heartless Yeah, I suppose so But also he is a mouse And as we established Can you get life insurance on a as we established, jokes on them because he is immortal.

And the only way to kill him is to separate his head from his body. So a mouse trap. Again, is this the same universe as Mouse Trap with Nathan Lane? I like to think so. Isn't Hugh Laurie in that as well? I'm going to say yes. Let's say yes. Hugh Laurie's son won't die,

so Hugh Laurie becomes an exterminator to kill his boy. They're trying to open that restaurant or something. Yeah, they need a house, something about a cheese empire. Don't make me remember the plot of Mousetrap. That movie sucked. Fun fact about that film, that scarred me for cinema for a bit, because when I went to go see that,

they played The Devil's Advocate, starring Keanu Reeves instead, which to children... That's hot. You can see two chicks kissing in the elevator. And boobs. There's boobs. Whoa. As a teenage boy, that movie was... Movies are good.

I jerked off to that movie as like a 13, 14 year old. That rules. Look, same. To me, though, I'm a little bit younger. So pretty much what happened to me was the parents in the cinema realized what was happening straight off the bat and got really panicked and angry. By the way, that's... Sorry to interrupt.

You can just... After this story, you can just ask me... List any movie and I'll tell you way, that's, sorry to interrupt. You can just, after this story, you can just ask me, list any movie and I'll tell you if I've jerked off. Okay, deal. Yes, sweet, I'm excited for it. The first one's going to be the half of Stuart Little you saw. Yes.

Absolutely. I got a thing for Gina Davis. What can I say? Anyway, please continue with your story. Oh yeah, so it's basically just like, but do you know like when you're a kid and you hear like, if you hear like adults and that's swearing when you're like a really young child. And then also adults panicked and angry.

So it just made all the kids like. The opening of that film is a court case. Yeah. Of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of abduction and whatnot. And clearly like. No, but I think it's because all the parents.

So kids didn't understand what was going on. But because the parents reacted the way they did. Just get everyone and leave. Quickly. No, that's not what happened. Everyone just like, I vividly remember everyone being like, close your eyes, turn around,

like getting kids to cover their ears. Just get out of the cinema and leave, you maniacs. I think the weird thing is, I was pretty close to the front, which means that this was a mouse hunt session that was very full. I remember we went to the cinemas and Hard Target was accidentally

playing, and my parents were like, yeah, let him watch it. He learned a thing or two about being a Turk. I think my dad was relatively chill with the situation, but there was lots of moms just yelling. I can imagine. Yeah, your dad would be, because

he knows. He was like, oh! Here we go What a performance By Al Pacino In that film Chewing that scenery Wow Look but don't touch

That movie does Touch but don't taste Or whatever it is There is no other reason To watch that film Except for the titties That film is a Real piece of shit

Yeah It's boring And that one scene From Al Pacino Yeah Where he just kind of Just goes nuts He's the devil, yeah?

What? Yes. Oh, I'm the devil. Hey! Oh my god! Whoa! Al, just quickly, while we've got you. Do it little.

Oh my god! Oh, these little mice. That... Well. That movie ends at the start. It does that wonderful thing of basically being like it's all a dream. What an amazing piece of cinema. But then Al Pacino gives her a look like, It did happen, but you're good now. So what do we think?

Why would you adopt Stuart Little? Life insurance is my final answer. Life insurance, want to talk to animals, and I guess if you want to be a parent but you don't want to own a dog and you want to have something to talk to, it can intermediate between a baby and a dog. Or you want to see your kid die but in a way that no one will care about. Ben?

Obviously the kid, the real human one one is a piece of shit yeah and they're like i want to have a bait i want to have another kid but i don't want the commitment like this motherfucker who's just gonna stick around let's get a little mouse unfortunately you pick the one mouse that cannot die yeah highlander mouse don't pick the Highlander Mouse. This is a question that's been burning on your lips, Jackson. Is this satisfying you? On your lips. Something that Stuart Little doesn't have. Can't burn.

Yeah, no, I'm satisfied. I'm happy now. I can finally die. Now, back to asking me what films I've done. Of course. Before we end the episode. My Girl. Haven't seen it course. Before we end the episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For my girl. Haven't seen it.

Although I know how it ends. No, there's very little to jerk off to. Sirens. Yes, 100%. Oh, me too. Hell yeah. Who hasn't? Who hasn't?

It was on, that movie was on like Channel 7 or it was on TV and I sneakily recorded it. Oh my God. So I could get back in there. I hired that one as a weekly. Classic. Hell yeah. Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Yeah.

Yes! I don't remember, but I'm going to say probably. Chance is out. It's one of those statistics. Terminator 3. Terminator 3? Yeah, there's a sexy Terminator. Oh, nude Terminator 3. Terminator 3? Yeah, there's a sexy Terminator. Oh, a nude Terminator lady.

I think I was beyond the age of which I could jerk off to everything. I was a bit older then. I mean, we're talking like in the peak. Yes. Of course. Easy. Easy one. Thank you so much.

Scary movie. Scary movie. You know what? I don't think I have jerked off into that But maybe I Maybe I will Maybe I will I'll revisit

Not Another Teen Movie I don't think I've seen Not Another Teen Movie There's a naked furnace I'm very I have a very high IQ True lies True lies True lies yes

Yeah yeah yeah Good good good 100% Jamie Lee Curtis Yeah At her peak Absolutely You know Actually no Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good, good, good. 100%. Jamie Lee Curtis. Yeah. At her peak. Absolutely.

You know? Actually, no. Her peak would be like a fish called Wanda. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fish called Wanda. Yes. Life according to Brian. The life of Brian. Life according to Jim.

Life according to Jim. I think the life according to Garp has some titties, so yes. Yes, life according to Garp. I think the Life According to Garp has some titties. Yes, Life According to Garp. Let's go through Robin Williams' filmography. Popeye. Yeah, why not? Hatch Adams. Flubber.

Oh, Flubber. Now we're talking. I'm getting a boner just thinking, just you with these... Just mentioning Robert Williams. It's a sad boner. He killed himself. It's unfortunate.

Mrs. Doubtfire. There's very little to jerk off over there. It's pretty dry. Big Mama's house. One or two. Big Mama 3. What's the third one called? Big Mama's House 3?

Yeah. Mama Be Home? Yeah, something like that. I thought it had like a... Like a wacky title. Yeah. I'm sorry. Dead Poets Society.

Oof. No, it's very dry. It's not a horny film. It's not a horny film. But someone dressed up like a fawn for a bit. Oh, yeah. It's not like we couldn't jerk off to it. Is that Elizabeth Shue?

I'm not sure. Do you have interest there? Yeah, I don't know. American Beauty. I always loved Elizabeth Shue. American Beauty, yes, 100%. What am I, a piece of wood? What am I, not living?

Can't jerk off to that film anymore. No, yeah. It's sad. Well, what a great ending to the episode. On that note, I've been Joel. I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've been Ben.

And where can we find you, Ben? You can find my podcast, The Grub, wherever podcasts are, and also Little Scamps on the YouTubes with my friends Avery Michaelides. That's it. Fantastic. Fantastic. And make sure you let us all know what your most shameful masturbation

film experience has been. And also, don't be ashamed of it. I mean, these were the golden ages of your youth, where you can, it's totally okay to jerk off to everything and everything. Because you don't know what's what. I think my most shameful would be staying up to like 4 a.m.

watching SBS because I remember saying that like there might be a hint of nudity on something. Oh, yeah. And that used to be the best time. What about one that I... Staying up really late and watching Rage, like, uncensored music videos? Yes, yeah.

Like, girls on film and stuff got pretty high rotation in that. Oh, and... And then you start... Oh, yeah, that was good stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a good time. Fuck. Masturbation, it rules.

Those are the days. Does it ever? Oh, man. To be in my mid-teens, early to mid-teens again. Especially when I was that age, we had maybe, it was just like the introduction of dial-up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were downloading one image,

and you better hope that's the image you want to jerk off to. And it took ages. So, you know, TV and SBS. That was where you went. But we did have, back then there were definitely back then there was more nudity on SBS. Yeah, absolutely. It was that and porn you found in the woods. That was basically all you had.

Why was it always in the woods? I don't know. I found some porn. Who hasn't found porn in the woods? I found porn in the woods. What is that? Who's doing that? I don't understand.

I hope it was the same magazine. You know what I once gave back? I put porn in the woods I don't understand I hope it was the same magazine You know I once gave back I put porn in the woods That's beautiful Pay it forward Spoiler alert A little boy dies in that too That's another film that I haven't seen

That I know how it ends And I don't give a shit. Thanks for listening. And if you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us at Sandspants Radio, or you can find us individually. I'm at Douche13. I'm at OldDogsOfDead.

And I'm at GodDammitZammit. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to SandspantsRadio.com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps! And if you want to support us, head to sanspantsplus.com Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever. Kisses.