Plumbing the Death Star - Why Wouldn't You Travel with the Doctor? (Live!)

Episode Date: July 29, 2018

In which our heroes ask the hard hitting question; Why Wouldn't You Travel with the Doctor? Recorded Live at Cardiff!Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Theme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website bennydavismusic.com or check out his YouTube youtube.com/bennythejukeboxWant to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This was recorded on the 5th of October 2017 at the Marriott Hotel in Cardiff. We didn't really spend much time in Cardiff, but we did cross a bridge to get there and that was pretty neat. Hey everyone, quick update for our Plumbing the Death Star Get Posh UK tour. About half the shows are now sold out, or very close to, so if you don't want to miss out, make sure you head to sandsansradio.com slash live for links on where to grab your tickets today. There's still a few spots left for our London Podcast Festival show, as well as back-to-back late-night shows at the Soho.

So, once again, head to sanspansradio.com slash live and grab your tickets today. Every show is a completely different topic, and remember to head to our Twitter or Facebook for any and all updates. Just search for Sandspans Radio. Also, if you have any coffee, breakfast, brunch, or just general food recommendations,

please email them in, sandspansradio at gmail dot com, or reach out to me directly on Twitter, at goddammitzammit. Hey everyone. Hello. How you doing? And welcome to our first ever Welsh live show for Plumbing the Death Star.

Where we ask the important questions like, why wouldn't you travel with the Doctor? Me specifically? Well, you three specifically. Why wouldn't Jackson travel with the Doctor? Imagine if we did a show where it was just you two and we watched on. What kind of Doctor? The Doctor as in Doctor Who. Not just a medical Doctor? Not just you two and we watched on. What kind of doctor? The doctor as in Doctor Who. Not just a medical doctor? Not just a medical doctor.

There's a lot of reasons I wouldn't travel with a medical doctor. Well, no, because they're in an ambulance and if you're in an ambulance, you should definitely go with that doctor. No, but he's going to tell me I'm doing things wrong and you shouldn't eat that and watch out for your cholesterol. In this situation, you're dying because you're in an ambulance. So if you're like,

no, thank you. I mean, bye, I guess. Why is a doctor? That's a paramedic. Yeah, I don't think a doctor goes in. If the doctor's in the ambulance with me, I'm like, shouldn't you be in the hospital? Aren't I going to you? Why are we moving? Why is a GP there? If House MD

has taught me anything, there's a lot of conflict between paramedics and doctors and you have just ignited it, my friend. Yeah. The trouble you've caused today. No, but the doctor of the doctor fame with his TARDIS. Who? The doctor.

Who? No, he's doing the worst bit we've ever done live. Oh, the night is young, my friend. The night is young. I read a thing just today that Stephen Moffat, when asked in like 2006 what the doctor's name was, said Mildred. Can we just call him Mildred?

Yes. That's good. Anyway, I thought that was funny. Wait, so it's the idea that the TARDIS has just turned up. Yep. That's the TARDIS has just turned up. Yep. That's the TARDIS noise. Yeah. Wah, wah, wah.

The doctor. You've all nailed it. Perfect. Spot on. And the doctor stepped out and he's been like, plumbing boys, I can only take one. He's like, oi, you, get in. Well, what? I'm not going with him because that's an aggressive way to ask.

All right. He's bigger on the inside. What? It's another Scottish doctor, I suppose. Oi, you, get the fuck in my bloody van. Police, help. It's very funny to arrest the doctor. He's been arrested all the time.

But by actual police people? No. Or like a citizen's arrest. He's kidnapping people. I don't like it. As clever as the doctor is, I don't think he could get out of... If you had his screwdriver, handcuffs,

that's him done, right? Send him to jail. Yeah, I guess. It's always unit being like, you're fucked. You're nicked, I guess. I mean, it's always Unit being like, you're fucked. You're nicked, I guess. They probably don't say you're fucked. And he's like, actually,

you'll find that I'm president of the world under these situations. And they're like, no, you're not. Oh, yeah, protocol something something the doctor. On Earth, though, just jail. Prison for life. So how do we arrest the doctor? Is that the question?

No, no. TARDIS appears. Yep. Hi, I'm the doctor. Hi, doctor. Jackson. Yep. How would you like to come No. TARDIS appears. Hi, I'm the doctor. Jackson, how would you like to come into the TARDIS? I wouldn't. I think the reason I don't want to go with the doctor is that I just don't think I'm ready for it.

I think the moment he's bigger on the inside, I'm going to be like, Nope! That's fucked! Bye! What kind of Escher bullshit is this He's like Just the proposition Hi Jackson come into my TARDIS

I'm going to be first of all what is that And he's like it's a spaceship basically But also a time machine I'm going to be like no Too much information at once I'm going Two sentences was the threshold of too much information for you You're not even interested in like

Stepping foot inside No because I just don't believe you I don't think it is bigger That happens all the time But I'm not going to step in If somebody turned up with a van And they were like get in the back

It's bigger on the inside I'd be like this is a kidnapping And I'm alright If he's travelling in a police box this is a kidnapping and I'm alright. Thanks a bunch. If he's travelling in a police box you assume something untoward is going to happen in there. You don't know it moves.

But you've got to assume, because it does that thing where it's like and then it turns up in front of you. So you see it appear out of nowhere. So maybe I wouldn't be so shocked that it's bigger on the inside. I would assume that my drink had been spiked and he did. Yeah, I would have assumed I'm having a mental

break. Just be like, I need help. You're a doctor. Sweet. I need one. I saw a blue thing disappear. What's wrong with me? And you scan the head. I like your version of the doctor was just like, hi, I'm the doctor. Come with me. Because I'm going to be like, who? I don't know you.

I have places to be. Like space? No. Time? No. Well, I just don't think, like, I just don't know if I could handle the moment. He's like, so say I get in. Yeah.

He's like, all right, come in. It's bigger on the inside. I have a sick. And then. I'm like, oh, that's creepy. I'm so sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he's like, oh, by the way, this ship is sentient.

Please stop telling me shocking things. Here's a picture of an oud. Give me this information bit at a time. Side note. Fuck. Total side note, because I'd totally forgotten about the oud. What do you reckon they smell like? Baked potatoes.

I always imagined like a prawn. Sushi? Yeah. I imagine you know when it rains on garbage? Oh, actually yes. Yeah, like wet garbage. It's wet here. You all know what wet garbage smells like, right? Is your garbage ever not wet? Ood smell.

You go outside and ood it up. Just the trash. It's never an oud. I'd just like to quickly point out, they give us heaps of water Nope, just the trash. It's never a nude. I'd just like to quickly point out, they give us heaps of water each. A jug each. Why give us a cup? Why are we using the glasses? Just drink out of the...

The carafe. Yeah, the carafe. A jug each is a fucked up... Oh, fancy boy, the carafe. The carafe, mate. No, so say I get in, and I deal with the fact that it's bigger on the inside somehow. I spew up everywhere,

but the doctor's nice enough to clean it up. That's pretty low for him. You know what I mean? He's never the kind of person that I can see bending down with a mop and a sponge to clean up sick. Yeah, I don't think he'd clean it up. I think he'd make a robot sooner to clean it up than he himself.

Isn't the TARDIS full of little bots and shit? Maybe. I sort of imagine the panel I threw up on retracting the vomit falling somewhere into the mechanism and then it going back. And then I might step out again. I think it would be a very long process of me coming in being like, okay, out for a breather.

Okay, back in. But then say he takes me to space And it's like first place he goes is the moon And there's a rhino person I'm going to be like, take me home Yeah, it's just too much For me it's just more like, I don't want that confirmation That we're all nothing

It's very much like, you are very insignificant In this vast space And I'm like, great, well I guess that's confirmed So, sick, nothing Nothing has a point anymore? Goodbye, doctor, I guess. I wouldn't care. What difference does it make that

at one Earth or a hundred Earths, we're still little. I know. You're already insignificant. Don't worry about it. What are you? Who are you? This alien man coming and just grabbing me and then like showing me the vast wonders of space

and time. What's your motive? What do you want from me? I'm the doctor now? What? Actually, it's funny because he does have a companion because he gets lonely, right? So if that's his response, surely you're like, and where is this

going? Yeah, right? Get a fucking dog, mate. Am I the dog? right so if that's his response surely you're like and where is this going yeah right get a fucking dog mate am I the dog yeah well I was gonna say the moment he's like I'm basically a mortal I'm gonna live for a very long time I'd be like so I mean basically nothing to you right that's actually 100%

the companion is just a dog intelligence wise a companion is just a dog to the doctor. That's why I'm not going. I don't want to be basically someone's dog. I don't know why I'm arguing for it, but you get to go neat places. I mean, that's great, but I can take my

dog to the zoo. And also, you're not insignificant because the doctor has picked you. I know in this situation he's gone through each of us, but... He's gone through? Did I die? What happened? The doctor's like, here's the oud and here's the oud brain.

I'm like, that's great. Fell in. Absorbed. I don't know if the doctor does pick his companions. He kind of just bumps into them a lot, doesn't he? He's kind of just like, oh, you again. It's kind of like, oh, for example, going back to a dog thing, it's like, yeah, your dog is a special dog because you picked it. No, I went to a website and was like

yeah that one. That's just random chance. I think by and large if you go through them like Donna he just bumped into. Bumped into it twice. Yeah. That makes it good. Yeah. If you found a dog on the street twice and patted it it's yours.

Yeah I was going to say the dog analogy sort of falls apart there because you can't just take a dog on the street twice and patted it, it's yours. Yeah, I was going to say the dog analogy sort of falls apart there because you can't just take a dog. I can't just be driving around and I'm like, whoop. Is that who you are? Doctors going on like, you know, lost humans. I want to find one. Let me see who's in Earth. This one needs a second chance home.

But yeah, I think I'd be throwing up a lot. Yeah. How many spews before you left? Well, I mean, she was assuming I actually get into the TARDIS. When does the first spew happen if you don't get into the TARDIS? The moment he's like, that's bigger on the inside.

So you're just standing in a car park and... Yeah, and then once I'm in there's another spew and then add infinum until he lets me go. I also think I would be mad that I have no like, I don't know what you call it but you know I go in and I'm like, what if I die? What's his answer?

Same thing. You can stop that, yeah? Rule one, the doctor lies. So don't stress. I'm just saying some shit that's not real. So you're saying that because the doctor's going to be like, you'll be fine, I will be fine. Yes.

I'm like, will I die? The doctor's like, no. I'm like, well, that's wonderfully ignorant. And then when I'm like falling into the ood brain, I'm like, you lie. And he'll be like, oh, yeah. He'll be like, first off, doctor, how many pets have you lost in your time

I like that you're the doctor that's my favourite thing about this whole episode Joel Doucher the doctor or you can just call me the doctor the douche that sounds bad douche who yeah I would definitely not be coming

hi I'm the douche no the doctor I said the douche-up, no? No, what? The doctor, the doctor. I said the doctor. Get that away from me. That's very funny. You know, there's such a big deal about what the doctor's real name is.

It's funny that your version blurted it out. I'm the douche-up. Oh, fuck. I'm going to get in a lot of trouble. It's also funny if it's just like, yeah, the doctor's name is Joel. Special. It's the biggest secret in the universe.

Joel. Yahweh is God is the translation. That's a real stupid name, Doctor. Is that why you chose it? No, hey, Joel's a great name. What is it? I'm also very strongly of the opinion that the Doctor doesn't

take people... The first place Rose goes is to the end of the Earth doesn't take people... Like, the first place Rose goes is, like, to the end of the Earth, the last day of Earth, which is something I don't want to see. Yeah. I don't want to be confronted with the mortality of the planet I live on that strongly. The whole universe is a bit much, Doctor. Which kind of ties into what Zammett's saying.

I don't need to know that. That's not..., no thank you. Every day is an existential crisis of just like, yep, good, great, sure, okay, and then we meet an actual Satan. I think every day I'm wondering, he's chained up, are we gonna free him now? Fuck, good move,

Doctor. Every day I think I'm wondering how long ago would I have died if I hadn't time travelled? Are there beds on the TARDIS? Yeah. Where do I sleep? That'll be my first question. Do they sleep?

No, actually, this is deep Doctor Who card. There's an offhand comment about bunk beds. Bunk beds? Bunk beds. He has all that room and he's got fucking bunk beds. Is he a child? Is he a basic child that's like I need to go travelling around the space and time

I need a puppy. You don't do. For the companions, not for him. I don't know what he doesn't sleep or maybe he does. He makes his dogs sleep on bunk beds. Think about two dogs on bunk beds and tell me that doesn't sound like a great idea to you too. Dogs is very cute on bunk beds

but I don't want to be the dogs. I'm just imagining like sleeping in that bunk bed, waking up in the middle of the night and just looking at him not sleeping. What's he doing? Are you going to go to bed? And he's like, no, I don't sleep. I'm going to be like, okay. That's cool.

When are we going back to my time? and he's a perpetual liar he's like look you come with me you'll be back before you know you for you you'll experience like many years months or whatever and you'll be back in five minutes and he always fucks up yeah like hi guys i'm home i've only been gone like a day and they're like we haven't seen you for five years we thought you were dead and the worst part is you've got nobody that you can like, you've got to rack them pants. I can't be like, well, I'm calling the cops because there are no, like, who do you call when he's like, I fucked up your

life, Jackson. I just got to sit there and take it. Yeah, like, I'm going to call the space cops and he's just like, ah, no, not for me. I've got to be like, well, those doctor, I know this is a weird question, but those rhino men on the moon, are they the police? Who's in charge? Who polices him? Also, like, I know this is a weird question, but those rhino men on the moon, are they the police? Who's in charge? Who polices him?

Also, like, we know... Who doctors the doctor? Who doctors the doctor? He also is a... The master? Oh, he gives it a red hot go. I also don't think I'd like to hang out with someone who had a mortal enemy. Yeah.

I don't think I need that hassle in my life. Now we're starting to get to real reasons for this being coward stuff. And also again, he's like, hey, come into my vandal boy. I'm like, no, and I stab him. And then he just changes his face.

Yeah, that's a stressful moment. If you stabbed the doctor. Then I'd be like, did I do that? Do I have the power? Back it up a bit. If a man approaches you and says, hey, do you want to come on an adventure? Your first instinct is to stab him. I think at that point, you don't need to worry

about whether or not the doctor's taking you because he's not taking you. I was imagining more like the scary Scotsman. Get in my van! Oi! You! And... If someone yells at you on the Oi, you. N. That's still, if someone yells at you on the street,

you can't murder them. That's not the law. Imagine you're on the TARDIS and you've been so stressed by the adventures you're having that you kill the doctor and then you're like, what do I do now? I don't know how to operate that machine. Not even that. What if you're in the TARDIS and he slips, bumps his head and he sounds like he's just dead?

And he starts glowing and you're in the TARDIS and he slips, bumps his head, and he sounds like he's just dead? And he starts glowing, and you're like, he's just normal. And then he changes face. No, because the moment he starts glowing, I open up the TARDIS and push him into space. And he just, woof. That's a good move. And I shut the door, and I'm like, I guess I'll end up where I end up. All right, time.

Also, like like the way he Did he say this thing was intelligent? Can you take me home? Is it like Google? Okay TARDIS My time please 2017 How great

Jackson Bailey's adventures through time But like it's just I land on a planet Open it up like not earth Okay Land in a snowy planet Not earth Oh my god I'm so hungry adventures through time, but like, I land on a planet, open it up, like, not Earth. Okay. Land in a snowy planet, not Earth. Oh my god. I'm so hungry.

Have you ever been in a situation where you're like, someone else is driving the car, and you would like, out of the car? It's that, but you, if you get out of the car, you're on another planet, and in another time. Or just out in space. Sometimes like, I'm just going to check outside vastness of just empty nothing. Oh my god.

Travelling with the Doctor means trapped with the Doctor. I'd argue kidnapped with the Doctor. What? Kidnapped. You'd kidnap the Doctor? No, no, he's kidnapping us. Oh, right. No, I think they can... Because sometimes I want to go and he's like, ah, but I need to show you all these things.

You're like, I really want to go. He's like, let me show you one adventure. And you go and then you are stuck in a volcano. Well, I was going to say, he has a fairly terrible track record. Yeah. Because he's like, let's go somewhere nice. And it just, it isn't. You never see like an episode of Doctor Who.

And I know why, because it's a TV show. Ha ha. Because you never see an episode where they just have a pleasant time on an alien planet. What? Actually, you do. Because when Donna is like, you know what? You fuck off into sea, some crystal shit. I'm staying here.

And she has a lovely time. So the best move when you're traveling with the doctor is to be like, you do it. Yeah. Best thing is to treat it like a vacation. Being like, where are the sweet beaches? I'm going to go on a beach and just lie down. You do whatever you want to do. And then, fingers crossed, the doctor doesn't forget you for 18 months.

How great is it to imagine you're on some alien planet, a Cyberman, the doctor's like, let's go, and you're like, no. That's for you, I'm going to be here. You've done this. What could I do, doctor? I'm just a guy. That's a good point Why is the Doctor picking you? It's like me being a fireman

And then there's a fire And I'm like, sick Alright, get the dog We're going to tackle this together Yeah, exactly What the fuck is the dog going to do? Dogs are strong I'm so mean, I guess The Doctor has too much What the fuck is a dog going to do? Dogs are strong.

I'm so mean, I guess. The doctor has too much... Dog strength. What, they're going to fight the fire? No, bite. No. Cook that dog's mouth. That's kind of where it falls down, though, because maybe a dog is strong somehow in comparison to a fighter,

but I am fire, but I am not strong in comparison to a Dalek. I'm actually quite weak in comparison to a Dalek. I'm actually quite weak in comparison to a Dalek. The best thing I can do against a Cyberman is die. Maybe clog up his eye holes. It's kind of like taking a chihuahua into a war zone and assuming it can help. In fact, some of them have ended up in war zones. Some of them have ended up in war zones Yeah

Some of them have ended up in war zones without the doctor I thought you meant dogs for a second I was like, that's sad I do know a terrible story about dogs in war But I won't tell it There's a movie called Dogs of War But I assume it's not about actual dogs That's also good

I think another thing I'd be annoyed at Is the moment the doctor's like, hey, we can travel through time and I'm like, can we fuck shit up? And he's like, no. Then what's the point? Thanks a bunch, I'm going. What if he says yes? What if you get the Doctor somehow in between

when the Doctor, because for a bit the Doctor's like, oh, maybe fuck being a time lord. Let's get loose with space. Let's get loose with space, but then he dies a bit after that. What if I'm like, alright, Doctor, I've got some sweet books. They're called like this Harry Potter. Take me back to the 90s. I'm just going to cross out that JK name.

Damn it. That means you have to kill JK Rowling. As long as you're willing to do that. We'll land the TARDIS on her. We could witch her the West. Steal her fucking shoes. I'm sure the Doctor is down with that. Random murder and then impersonate someone else's accomplishments.

So we've got to get a brick. So the doctor's like, come into my TARDIS. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Reach behind me. Get a brick. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go, let's go, let's go. And when he's like showing me the panels, just on the doctor. And then now we control time.

Surely this episode should now become, why should the doctor bring you? You seem more dangerous than him right now. At least when the doctor fucks shit up, it's accidental. We're deliberate. The doctor is somehow clumsy. I don't want to be with a guy who's that clumsy. How often does he just

stumble into something? That's true. He's got bad balance. I'm out. I don't mean literally stumble into something, Jack. He does though. He's got some of these movements. He's got like an inner ear problem. He should see a doctor.

I'd just like to point out when you flailed wildly, I felt the table cough pull. I honestly thought that you were going to, whilst making fun of him, for being clumsy, knock water all over me. And yet again I would be a victim of your stupidity. But what's great is that the mics are hand, like they've got

no cords, so you could just do that, nothing gets broken. Yeah, but I'd be wet. People dry. Body heat, mate. Body heat. Can I go with the master? Is that an option? The master usually hates people. And he tends to kill his companion.

No way. He only kills them when they get compassion. You've got none of that. Yeah, I'm good. Doctor's like, this is my enemy, the master. And I'm like, Master also has the TARDIS. How many times are you spewing? I'm spewing the whole time, I sort of assume. Sort of assume every time

we encounter a new one. Using your doctor tactic, you might accidentally become a hero if you brains the master with a brick. And then I'm treated like a hero? Do I get a statue? Well, the doctor might... You then have to interact with the doctor and you hate that. So you're going to brains him and then be a bad guy again.

Can we just wipe out the Time Lords? I'll join the Daleks. They seem alright. Yeah, they seem like they'll take you in. Yeah, that sounds about right. Yeah, exterminate. Alright. I like that you picked the Daleks when the Cybermen probably would take you in.

Alright. Cybermen it is. No, see, that's a sad... Every companion that goes with the Doctor, they hit that point where they're like, I'll do anything for him. And I just don't think I'm going to hit that point. Yeah.

You know, like how many adventures before you check out? How many episodes do you live before you're like, I'm done. Nope. Take me home. Oh, me personally? Yeah. Depends what he shows me. If he just keeps taking me back in time, I'll be like, yeah, that's fine and all,

but space, please. He shows me the end of the world, I think I might pull a sneaky one of your throwing up until he takes me back. I think I might force it as well. It wouldn't be an accident. I'd be like, oh, I feel so sick. Take me home, please. I'm very

sick. I think I have time sickness. I've got the sniffles. I want to go. I very like this version of the doctor that's like, oh, I didn't expect you to get sick. Okay, I'll take it. He might then inject you with future nanobots and you'll be fine.

Well, then I definitely want to go home. But now, once again, it's the trapped in a car situation. He's injected me with nanobots. He's like, wait a minute, you're not actually sick. And now it's awkward as well. Yeah. And even if we were like, all right, fine, I'll go with the doctor.

It's sweet. Let's hang out and be mates. And then something happens and we get to the point of where Donner ends up, where we're like, fuck, I get it now. I'm on your level. He's like, no, let's kibosh that. Nip that in the bud. Wipe your memory.

The difference with that is that her brain pretty much catches fire. Yeah. Fix it. You're a doctor. You're gone. He does. Oh, yeah, by making me forget shit. Yeah, that's like-

Super bloody good. What an existence. I've got a pretty good comparison for this. Hey, Jackson. Yeah? You had testicular cancer. I did. You had good comparison for this. Hey Jackson, you had testicular cancer. I did. You had two balls. To stop the cancer from spreading, we had to remove one, which is sad, but

at least you're alive now. I'm good. Memories, same thing. Donna's memories were my balls. Samit's memories were your balls. At least if I'm dead, I die knowing shit. Now I'm just an ignorant fool. Donner is kind of like the worst of both...

It's more complicated than you think. Donner is kind of like the nicest ending to any of the companions. Not necessarily. Do you want to go through the endings of the companions? Yeah, let's. The Doctor's like, alright, go through the endings of the companions? Yeah, let's. Let's see how the companions ended up. The doctor's like, all right, here's the hall of companions. You can be added to this hall.

What a scary moment. Sell me on this. This is Rose. This is Rose One. They're all fucking dog names. Rose One? What? They're all kind of like dogs. This is Mickey.

They're all dog names. They're all names you could call a dog. They are. Not Martha. That's a weird dog name. That's more of a cat name. Donna is also kind of an odd one. You could call a dog Donna.

Here, Donna. Donna Kebab. Yeah. That's a good dog name. Donna Kebab. Want a Donna Kebab? Yeah. Good people names.

Okay. So, Rose, it's fine. Her ending isn't that sad. It's only sad because she loves the doctor. But if you're just a person, you're stoked

because you go to a world without Cybermen. I'm already in a world without Cybermen. Not anymore, you're not. It's fine, I guess. No, but that's good

if I've met Cybermen on my trip and he takes me back and he's like, this is the same world, it's just that one of the million threats. Also, but that's good if I've met Cyberman on my trip and he takes me back and he's like, this is the same world, it's just that one of the million threats. Also, your dad's not dead. My dad's not dead. Your dad's not dead.

My dad's dead. Your dad, the good news is, well, the bad news is... Oh, great, so now I have to get to witness my dad die again. No, no. Well. Yeah, yeah. Eventually, yes. But you didn't witness it the first time.

You were little. No, I didn't, because I went back in time and saw it. Wait, hang on. What a good doctor. So, Dushu, you have emotionally destroyed your first companion. Tell me about the next.

And then cloned yourself so we can be together. That's later, and I wouldn't do that, because that was garbage. Yeah, second companion, Martha. Leaves willingly because I don't love her as much as my first dog. So you emotionally destroyed your second one, I suppose. You know what, dog, too?

You weren't as good as dog one. Hang on a minute, Dijeru. Just a quick question. Yes. You kind of skipped over this Mickey. I can't see it properly. What happened to him? I can't remember.

Alright, not a vote of confidence. I think Mickey joined an intergalactic war maybe to try and impress you because you stole his girlfriend. No, I sent his girlfriend into another dimension. Oh, even better. Oh, okay.

You emotionally destroyed him, I suppose. So then you got two pooches. You're like, I'm going to just take this one. He was, nope. So. Is he a big head? Is he a big head now, yeah? Will he eventually be a big head?

Am I going to become a big head? Wait a minute. It says here in the records he's immortal. That's, oh, no. Keep going. It gets worse. He wants to die. Did you make him immortal?

Is that what you did? No, I didn't. The girl that I sent to the other dimension did. So think of it as retribution. So, yeah, he died to protect me. Then got brought back to life against dimension did. So think of it as retribution. So yeah, he died to protect me. Then got brought back to life against his will. Now I'm scared of him so I don't talk to him.

Is this a dog you've sort of like betrayed? Now he's a big head. A dog you've betrayed and so suddenly you're like nah, I don't want to see this deal with you. I kept hitting that dog and now it's going to bite like Nah I don't want to see this deal with you I kept hitting that dog And now it's going to bite me And I don't know why

Is it? That's that situation No Is it confirmed that he's the face of Bo Or is it just like It's highly like Well so in brackets You've written I reckon

Yeah Maybe a big head It's very scary to go into that cat doctor place The cat hospital Where they keep the face of Bo And you're like that's a guy I know that guy He was once a man now he's a big head

I'm vomiting Maybe in the tank The cat nurses will clean it up That'll be fine Alright don't worry about those companions And you look different in these photos Anyway let's go on to the next photos So Donna

Yeah Yeah, what's going on there? So I accidentally gave her my brain Sorry, what? You can do that? Is that a risk for us? It was an accident because I was dying and then I decided to be selfish and decided I was handsome and charming as is. Wanted to stay the same

Gave her half my brain Yeah, that is like a JD move Then I decided to be selfish and decided I was handsome and charming as is. Wanted us to stay the same. Gave her half my brain. Yeah, that is like a JD move. That is. Except I wouldn't be sorry all the time. That's the difference between me and David Tennant. I'm so not sorry. I'm great.

Then, yeah, so she's got a brain that's too clever for her head. Yeah. She thinks about being too. Yeah, don't worry. We'll get to that later. We won't. I can't explain it. Uh-huh. Yeah, so...

And then, yeah. She gets off my brain. I realize it's killing her. Yeah. I then, I'm like, I can cure this. I'll just erase your memories. You won't know you've got a super clever brain. If you hear me again, you'll die.

So you've abandoned your dog into the woods. I reckon that's the kindest thing you could have done. No, okay. It's like if I was beating my dog. That's a good start. I was like, I feel like such a bad person because I've been beating this dog. You're free now, dog. Don't remember me. And if you do remember me, you will die. Yeah, that's a pretty kind thing, actually.

That's great for the dog. Nah, she got a good... I like that this is the trial of Dushahoo. That's good. Flicking through these pictures, I've noticed you've also gone to Donna's granddad. Oh, he kills me, so it's fine. Revenge. Good, good. Why, so it's fine. Revenge.

Good, good. Why'd you take him for a trip? He's old. So you can be killed. That is probably, at this point, it feels like a pro. Also, there was another fella that came with me for a bit, and then he got a hole in his head, and I was real angry at him, so then I took him home, and then I clicked,

and his mum screamed, because it opened the hole in his head again I was real angry at him so then I took him home and then I clicked and his mum screamed because it opened the hole in his head again. What? What? He was a dick though so it's fine. Oh. Why was he a dick? Do you? That's a good way to punish a dog I reckon. Yeah. So the story of this man is that he

came with a doctor. Yeah. Me I guess. You. Yeah. This is too. I was not prepared to be the doctor when we walked out on Saturday. This is a big responsibility for one man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you got an angry dog. Yeah. Come with you.

So you clicked its brain out. No, no, no. So what happened was I took a dog to space and gave it access to all of the information in the universe. Right. Good move. Bad move. So you made two of them too smart. Good move! Bad move. So you made two of them

too smart. No, no, no. He made himself too smart. I was like, look, if you do this thing, you'll be too smart. Don't do it. Oh, well done. Here's a bit of fruit. Don't eat it. You guarded that man. You fucking eaten this shit. Yeah, but except I wasn't like

do it. I was like, don't do it. Yeah, you eaten this whole thing. Then he I gave him unlimited money though, which is probably a mistake because then he could afford to do the thing. Can you just give me unlimited money and I won't come to space with you?

Yeah, that's so much better. What are the odds of me just treating you like a genie? Is that cool? Give me a car. No. There's a lot more of these photo things coming up. Gosh, how many have you had? This one looks like Kylie Minogue falling down an elevator shaft. Yeah, she died by her own hand, though.

That wasn't me. What? She was on the Titanic, but in space. Okay. All right. Yeah. Titanic in space. Excuse me.

I just found a note that said married her daughter. What? Uh-oh. I think I might have jumped ahead a couple. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretty much just what it says on the paper there. But yeah,

anyway, Amy and Rory, they get a happy ending that's only sad for me. It seems that this man was in the Roman Legion army. No, no, no, after that. Don't worry about that. How long? How long? He had to spend how long? How long?

I might need to double check. 5,000 years? What? He waited alive for 5,000 years? Is he another immortal? You made another-y. He's made of plastic, I think. Made of plastic?

So is he the original or is this a remake? No, this is a remake. So what happened to him? Well, take a guess. My favorite thing about this is that Dusha Hu, because you can't quite remember the series, it's like you've got this version of Doctor Who that's just like, oh, fuck, what happened to that guy?

Sorry, it says the original one was sucked into a vortex that made him not exist. Is that true? That was a crack, not a vortex. Why? It's your notes. And I fixed it. Yeah, kind of. You fixed him by cloning him out of the body?

No, you didn't. It says someone else here did. Sorry, Mortal Enemy? Yeah, what about them? You don't have one? No! Huh. It says, like, two of three.

Yeah, I got a few. Anyway, Amy and Rory. They got to live happily ever after, sent back in time, but together. No confirmation of that, though. I just read it. So they got to... Oh, wait, no, there is confirmation. Yes, that's fine.

They lived together happily ever after in, like, 1920s New York. What? What would have happened if you hadn't intervened in their lives? Would they have also lived together? They probably would have got a divorce, to be honest. I taught them to love each other more, which is... I'm not a Cupid. I shouldn't be doing that.

That's really not your place. Are you sure? Because it seemed like Amy was real after you for a bit. At the start, that's what I mean. And then I showed her that I was a piece of shit, and she was like, oh, my boyfriend's actually alright. Am I going to learn the same lesson? Yeah. Can you guarantee results?

What if, like, we go with you, like our partners are like, ooh, fuck. And like, what if they don't learn that lesson? Are you just going to steal my girlfriend? You're a piece of shit. I feel like all of this information would have been great to know before we stepped on board.

Yeah. I didn't know the risks. May die, may become immortal, may just forget about you, may be lost to time, may steal your girlfriend. One of those sounds pretty good, just saying. What, forgetting about you? Yeah. So why should I get on in the first place? Because you still get the experiences. No, I don't.

Because I no longer exist. It's like, okay, no, look. When people go out drinking and they have a massive night, having a great time at the time, the next day they can't remember shit, but they had a good time at the time. Yeah, but... Yeah. Binge drinking. We're Australian. I'm not going to have that after bit because I'm no longer

existing. I'm going to go out for a big night and then nothing. No. Are you equating a night out with a couple drinks to travelling across the world and being shot at by Daleks? And then fall into a crack in space and time. No, wrong person. I'm talking Donna now.

Oh. Rory doesn't exist for a bit and then he comes back. It's like you take a friend out, he has a couple of drinks, he can't remember it in the next day. You can't remember it in the next day. Then he's back, you're like, oh, those drinks were good. Remember when we got really drunk and you stopped existing?

Hang on. Donna is such It's sadder because when we meet her It's a sad kind of existence of just kind of everyday monotony And then like she has this amazing time People are singing her Like song in the stars Then she goes back to a life of Nothing

And even without the sort of brain wipe That's every single companion Yeah that's the saddest part. Because he gets bored of you like a dog with a chew toy. He's like, I'm done. And so then you go back to Earth and you're like, oh, see. It's frankly a wonder every companion doesn't just fucking hate the doctor.

Did you give me a robot dog? Just to, yeah, I was going to say. One of them did. Yeah, I was going to say, just to highlight this problem and make it worse for myself, Sarah Jane actually does mention that I just fucked off. You did. So not everyone had like some of the best moments of my life. You then just left.

You ghost. You ghosted us. Not even a goodbye, not even a thank you for the memories. Sometimes there's a goodbye. Not even like, hey, it's not you, it's me. You just left. Sometimes there's a goodbye. It's it's not you, it's me. You just left. Sometimes there's a goodbye. It's usually not the good times.

Okay. The other companions probably... Clara? What happened there? She kept dying. That's weird. Is that your fault, mate? It looks like you got really drunk and threw up on this one.

That was me. I'm just startled at the amount of photographs I'm seeing. It just seems you're having a possession with one certain kelpie that just keeps dying. So what happened in that situation was that this dog loved me so much that they jumped inside my existence. Fuck.

So it turns out... So is this kind of like a dog's purpose? Yes, it's a dog's purpose, but in space and time. And real stupid, like a dog's purpose. Like the not problematic movie, A Dog's Purpose. A lot of dogs died making A Dog's Purpose. No, it's fine. This one was maybe harassed.

Yeah, yeah. One had a bad time. A bad-ish time, but then the director... Look, I don't need to defend A Dog's Purpose live on stage today. Defending A Dog's Purpose is correct, not the purview of this episode. I'm drinking a lot of water in hope that I'll need to pee and leave to get out of this conversation.

Have you ever done this much negotiating with potential companions? Do most of them just come aboard and they don't give you the grief we have? Oh, no, I get a bit of grief, just usually on the ship. What's the benefit? You get the best moments of your life

and you get to experience something. At what age? How old are you? 30? I'm 30. What's his general like, actually, what is his purview? If he's on like, you know,

he signed up for Tinder, he's like ages between. So companions. It looks like we're not quite typical companions. It seems like you kind of systematically Just get British women Yeah that's weird Between the ages of like 18 and 28

And then for like 3 you'll have like A bit with a fella 18 to 20 And how old were you? And then for some reason a 60 year old man Yeah let's mix it up For like a day. Yeah, he killed me,

so it wasn't great. I can see why you went back. Yeah. In fact, all the other non-British women from 18 to 20 are kind of just accidentally there.

Yeah, but then they have a good time, so I'm like, might as well just join. You got to type, certainly. You are fucking loose, mate. Yeah. You were like, swipe, yeah, yeah, yeah Your boyfriend's here

Come on, Bart Actually, no, sometimes I'm like, fuck your boyfriend off Mickey, didn't like him at first Oh, you didn't He was in a bin for, the first time he met me He got sucked into a bin and I had no time for him Being sucked into a bin Is probably not the worst thing No, and then he got turned into plastic And then I had no time for him. Being sucked into a bin is probably not the worst thing.

No, and then he got turned into plastic and then he was held hostage for a bit. Hang on, plastic again you say? Is this one of your mortal enemies is the concept of plastic? No, I'm going through the list right now. There's a lot of things but just plastic is not one of them.

Why plastic again? I feel like what's been nice about this discussion is that you've had some time to reflect. It's like a therapy session for you. You're taking a look at it, like a grander scale look. Maybe you've got some problems, man. My last companion turned into a Cyberman. Oh, fuck.

That's a danger for us. Here, in the list of mortal enemies, Cyberman. There's a memory. What happened there? So I accidentally discovered where Cybermen were made. Accidentally, you say? Yeah. You do that a lot.

Yeah. Maybe you think this like accidentally isn't on accident because it happens quite frequently. I mean, it's all of time and space and you accidentally stumble onto it. You notice like sometimes... There was a distress beacon, I think. Right.

I feel like a drunk doctor. It's hazy, but it's there. Joel Dusha, the drunk doctor. Well, there was a war doctor. Also, there was a war doctor. War? What war? The Time War. You don't know about it. Don't worry.

Do you have PTSD with that? Yes, you do, don't you? That's a pretty upfront question. How is that going to affect me? If you watch a ceiling fan, are we fucked? Are you going to be like, I'm back in Vietnam?

What is this? Hey, why didn't you stop World War II? Yeah. Oh, fuck. Let me get a list of atrocities. There we go. So, actually, one of my companions punched Hitler. Yeah, but it still happened.

Yeah. Whoop-dee-doo. Great. You know, that's good. He had a lot of assassination attempts None of them worked You could have stepped in that's all I'm saying I was um Busy?

Do you remember that 1963 Oh really you didn't do anything Look set points in time JFK had to die I guess Why JFK had to die, I guess. Why? Set points in time cannot be altered. So what are set points in time? Just significant moments that happened throughout history.

Who decides this? You? Time Lords. And you are? The last of the Time Lords. So it's largely up to you. So really it's your decision making. Well, last time I decided not to abide by those rules, I got killed. Yeah, but that's kind of fine for you.

Yeah. Because you're not dead. You've just come back. I've seen it. Yeah. Where? We brained you. Do you know how many times?

When I'm looking at all these photos of the different companions, it's obvious that you've changed face. Like you're not even hiding that you're changing your face. You change outfit each time, but then you don't wash through the new one. That's weird. You're like, oh, this time I'll just wear a trench coat all the time.

Do you wash that? I've got a few. They just look similar. That's a weird thing about the Doctor, is that only when he does this transformation does he change his fashion. Yeah, Jackson, how often do you change what you wear? Like once every year or two. Which is how often I die.

So you're saying it's coincidence. It's just largely happenstance. If I didn't die, I'd change as well. Well, recently I changed my clothes a bit without dying and now I just died recently again and I've changed again. Now I wear flannies.

I know. What a great joke. Oh, fuck. I'd love a Bogan doctor. It is very great. Bogan? Excuse me. I'm a scholar.

It is great to imagine Dusha coming, like, you know, the doctor died 13th or whatever dies, Joel Dusha, 14th. Hi, I'm the doctor. Can you run us through your, you've just regenerated feeling your body and finding out who you are for the first time? I think I was meant to have two kidneys, can I only feel one?

That's fucked. Still not ginger. Yeah, less hair than I was expecting. Bit rude. I like this because I've basically forced you to do a check on your body on stage. I've been like, Dusha, describe yourself. Not sure if I'm built for running. I feel confident, though.

And I feel that that's the most important part. Yeah, absolutely. Face. Now that you're standing up on your own Do you feel like you're properly on trial? No, I feel more important now Way more important Maybe you should come around and stand in front of us

I really liked I don't know if we got lost But Zabit being like, you feeling your face And being like, smug, I feel smug That's so funny. How can you tell? He can. I don't remember being this smug before.

You just know. I'm going to sit down now because standing up has gotten kind of boring. Fair enough. This stage is small. I'm so scared I'm going to fall. I know. I was afraid I was going to brains myself. Just because you guys can't see behind us

because we're sitting here. We've got about this much behind the chair. A couple of inches for those fans. The fear of leaning back casually and just toppling is palpable. So we clearly don't want to go with the doctor. But the thing is, now that I've thought about it,

if it wasn't Dusha, like, I might. If that I've thought about it, if it wasn't Dusha... LAUGHTER Like, I might. If somebody came and I'm like, what's your track record? And they're like, great, here's all the testimonials. People have had a lovely time. I'd be like, yes! It's just, you know, that's not super appealing.

I guess, actually, it's sort of like dating, right? Yeah. If you're on a first date and you're like... Well, I know this makes it more hurtful for me. But then it's not like... LAUGHTER No, no, no, no, no!'re on a first date and you're like... Well, I know this makes it more hurtful for me. But then it's... No, no, no, no, no. It really is. No, no, no, no.

It really wonderfully is. I'm open to the idea of dating, just not that one man. It's like dating when you're like your first date, right? And it's like you go lovely. It goes lovely. You're like, sick. Let's go for a second one. Except this time it's like, hey, let's go on a date.

You're like, sick. Here are my... This is my baggage. Yeah. Here are all my exes or dogs that have died. And here is all the problems. That's true. Like the doctor, because he's been hit a lot.

I'd be like, yeah, right. How much did like Rory and what's her face? Amy. Amy, that's the one. Yeah. Did they know about like Martha? No, no, no, no, no. Yeah.

Yeah. The doctor sits them down and he's like, here's the one. Did they know about like Martha? No, no, no. Yeah. The doctor sits them down and he's like, here's the other fucking people. Here's the whole of companions. Yeah. If he was just on like, you know, again, like a Tinder profile being like, you know, age question. Yeah. And then just like likes having fun,

can take you to amazing places. I'd be like, oh. Has fun, will travel. That's what he says. And if he's vague about like, oh. Has fun, will travel. That's what he says. And if he's vague about it, fuck. Has fun, will always travel. But yeah, so he sits down and he's like, hey, here's Martha, she was around a bit.

So some of the companions know about all of the companions, but then other ones don't know about everyone. See, that's weird. Not really. You don't tell everyone you date about all of your exes. No, not fair. If you've got got a short relationship, Martha,

you don't need to be like, here's my entire history because you're only dating for a couple of weeks. I suppose. A couple of months would be weird not to say so. Another problem with the doctor though. Martha knows about Rose. Obviously, because you won't shut the fuck up about it. And also because her clothes are still there.

Yeah, Martha gets bored. If I get on the TARDIS and there's pants, Well obviously because you won't shut the fuck up about it And also because her clothes are still there Good If I get on the TARDIS and there's pants I'm going to And again it's like getting a new dog And being like I'm just going to put the old collar on you You know what that is So you've had a lovely first date You get into the car for the date to drive you home

And there's just ladies clothes in the back We're the lady in this situation I guess Um Dushu There's just ladies clothes in the back. We're the lady in this situation, I guess. Dushu, I can't help but notice that I don't get a single Christmas off. Yeah, that's a good point. Oh, no. You might get plenty of Christmases off. I work every Christmas.

Sometimes you're dead for Christmas. Oh, yeah. Don't tell me shit like that. Sometimes I'm dead for Christmas? Yeah, usually we die around Christmas. What? Yeah, it's not a happy time for us. I'm rustling through all the companion notes.

How is this so consistent? Are you doing it on purpose? Is one of your mortal enemies Santa? No, he's a friend of mine, actually. What? Oh, Santa's real. Also, there's a planet. No, a town.

There's a planet what? There's either a town or a planet called Christmas as well. Unrelated. Just a coincidence. Oh, is it Christmas themed? Is it Christmas all year round? Well, I got attacked real bad and then I exploded and killed everything. And then, no, no, no, in a good way.

The bad guys. In a good way? Yeah. So you're those mortal enemies. Yeah. All of them, except for like a couple. They're still kicking about. So you only have a couple of that mortal enemy left. Oh, wait, There's another page.

Who's your most mortal enemy? Who are we going to encounter the most? Okay. My most mortal enemy, you're probably not going to see. This guy looks like John Sim a bunch. That's weird. I loved him in Life on Mars. That was a good time.

I had a lot of fun with that series. Is your mortal enemy John Simm? The British actor John Simm? No, but yeah, who's your most model enemy? Look, I've got a couple. The ones you're going to encounter the most. Yeah, just out of curiosity. Probably not my most model enemy, because that would be

the master of John Simm or Michelle Gomez? That's her name. I don't know. It's your model enemy. Missy. She goes by Missy. Alright. But they only pop up every now and then. They're alright because they're just people. Quick question. I'm just going through, once again, going through your

mortal enemies and it does say that one of them is now your wife? Hang on. It also says that the daughter of one of your compat... Did you fuck a pooch? It also says that the daughter of one of your companions... Did you fuck a pooch? No.

In this situation, they're not dogs anymore. They're people. So how? Clearly, humans are so far beneath you. What happened there? You'll see that my companion's daughter was conceived on the TARDIS and actually got a bit of TARDIS in her. What?

I'm sorry. I didn't realize there was hazardous material stored in this vehicle. You know when you're in a Jeep, right, and you've got two chimps in the back? Yep. And you're driving around so long and they make sweet chimp love and they give birth to a chimp. It's kind of human. It's got a bit of Jeep in it.

And because that car is traveling through time, the chimp gets a bit of time. Should I not masturbate on the TARDIS? Because that's going to be a problem. Will I be able to have kids after this? Am I, Stero? I'm kind of okay with that. Like, at this point,

what's the point? I might find someone else. Just don't worry about it. Well, now you've given me the option. See, another problem with the doctor though is he just doesn't sit still. There's no downtime.

What if I just want to relax and just chill and maybe... And plus, we go to the future, we can get all the series that I want to watch now. Yeah, that's true. And he's like, well, I don't want to sit still. Let's go on an adventure. Isn't that Smith stuck in normal time for a small period? And he hates it. I think it's three something. And I'm honestly not sure if it's hours or days

if I'm with someone who can't stand still for that fucking short amount of time I'm fine now though I got over that when I died a few times time's fine I'm good at it do shahoo

time's fine I'm good at it that is a great catchphrase Yeah You're welcome for that one BBC Have that one on me He just kicks the TARDIS door Comes out shooting guns

No Dusha Guns? No I hate those swords Why do you hate guns? Yeah They kill people And I can see where this is going You hate guns

How many deaths are you responsible for? Are we counting the time war? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be more comfortable to not. So did you just ask Did I ask you, did we ask you, how many deaths are you responsible for? And your response was, do we

count that war I was in? Because I think we probably ought to. Yeah, that seems a big It's just less a war I was in and more a war I was in. Because I think we probably ought to. Yeah, that seems a bigger... It's just less a war I was in and more a war I ended. So imagine if one person... So a lot of people... Imagine if World War II

one man dropped both of those... One man dropped both of those nukes, but then also nuked the other countries. And it was all one man. That's probably the best analogy I've got, but then also nuked the other countries. It was all one man. That's probably the best analogy I've got, but over two planets, not one.

So twice as bad. Well, no, because we only bombed Japan, so imagine that times a lot of continents. Six? Seven? No, because Japan's... I'm still kind of stuck on... Imagine if one person had dropped both bombs.

That's in itself a lot. Yeah, you're expanding it too much too quickly. Actually, you know what? No, no, no, it's wartime. How many people have you killed outside of wartime? Let's move that away. Because, look, you were driven to a point where you had no choice. Yeah, yeah, that's fine that away. Because look, you were driven to a point where you had no choice, I assume.

There was no choice, yeah? There wasn't like a... No, there was definitely had to do it. Had to. 100% had to. Otherwise it was... Had to genocide. Had to genocide times two. Had to end two species. Just to make sure that was a definite...

Other species completely gone. Fingers crossed. So you were fighting two different species, right? Yeah. I mean, there was two species involved in the war. Uh-huh. What were those two species? Oh, Daleks?

Yeah, we know about that. Mortal enemy, yeah. Mortal enemy, yeah. And, uh... This guy looks like Timothy Dalton. Do you know Timothy Dalton? I love James Bond. He's great.

Well, if you come on the TARDIS, you might get to meet him. Also the Time Lords. What? You know James Bond wasn't a real person, right? No, I meant Timothy Dalton. He's a real person. Cool, cool, cool, cool. Except I won't because it looks like he's part of that other group that you kill.

And they are the Time Lords. And you are a... And they are the Time Lords. And you are a... The last of the Time Lords? By your own hand, though. You sort of sound like a dangerous maniac. You know that's how you're coming off, right?

I also love that rule one, the Doctor lies, except when it's Dusha. Then he's just upfront front about it all. Which is weird because in a usual situation I would just fly my fucking pants off. So these Rhino lads, they're space cops, yeah? For the moon.

What is it, 999 or something? What do I got to call to get you arrested for war crime? I don't actually know what the number is in Wales. What do you guys call for the cops? Ah, so it's the same as England. I did know that. Oh wait, is that actually the emergency number here?

Because I said this in England and they were like, oh actually that's not an emergency, that's like a 011 or something. 101. I feel like meeting someone who caused two genocides is probably cause for an emergence. You know what? We joked about stabbing you out of no reason,

but I find like, yes, I'm a man who just murdered two planets. I'm like, yeah, yeah. I think I've been doing the, like, I wouldn't say well, but like the universe I'm good and getting rid of you. Yeah. I might stab you and you come back and stab you again and just keep going. No, you're a loose unit. I've come around. you. I might stab you and he'd come back and stab you again and just keep going. No, you're a loose unit. I've come around.

I'm in. Let's go. That's all it took. He's crazy. Imagine the shenanigans. Shenanigans and spews. They're going to be a great combination. I'll stop spewing off for a while.

Hey, we get them off our back Look you're a great doctor I got a perfect companion for you Who? This boy Take me to space No planet Just space

I'm going to open the door and be like Fuck that's big I want the doctor here I'm going to open the door and be like, fuck, that's big. How would the doctor Okay, disregarding every single thing we've said in the last 45 minutes. Yeah, imagine everything's just normal for the companion.

Okay, let's just say it's Rose, and yeah, first thing that happens, she opens the door in space, she's like, fuck, that's big. How would the doctor respond? Yep. We don't say that, Latata. There's no cursing God. I'm willing to commit war crimes, but swearing?

No, sir. No, no, no. None of this, potty mouth. Get me some soap. Get out. What do you think you'd have to do in the reverse to make him kick you out? What do you reckon you're going to have to... I think if I was swearing, if I was like,

fuck, this is fucking crazy. You're a bit of a cunt, hey. What the fuck, and then I spit. I reckon if I shot a Dalek, or like anyone really, because he hates guns. Yeah, he hates guns, but he wouldn't kick you off the... Oh, he might, it depends.

Who are you shooting, a Dalek? A Dalek, Cyberman. Still fine. The Master. Doctor tried you shooting? A Dalek? You're fine. Dalek, Cyberman. Still fine. The Master. Doctor tried to use a gun on the Time Lords. What about the AD? And then he fucking regenerated. God, I hate David Tennant. What about if when the Doctor's like,

hey, I regenerate if I die and I shoot him? Because I'm like, you're fine. Will he be cool with that? I reckon just the hassle that is living with Jackson would probably be enough for Jackson to get kicked out. Yeah, there'd be like clothes everywhere. You're not looking after your room as well.

That bunk is like filthy all the time. Imagine fucking Matt Smith, David Tennant, who the fuck ever walks into the control room of the TARDIS and while they're fiddling with knobs, pulling levers, encounters that shirt. Literally that shirt draped

over some of the controls but like consistently. And then like a shoe in the middle of the room. I do sort of imagine him getting ready to like go on an adventure and he walks into the central thing, picking up my pants, a shirt, piling them up and I come in like, yeah, where are we going? And he's like, you can just pick them up.

There's a hamper. You know, I think maybe if you were like, hey doctor, can you take me to the fuck shit that happened in history? Take me somewhere. Show me a genocide. Ah, yes, yes, to stop it. No, I just want to see. Show me a genocide, doctor. One I committed

or just a genocide? Either or at this point. I'm not fussed. I want to know who Jack the Ripper was. To stop? No. No, I'm just interested. That might get you kicked out.

Surely. He might. Or if I took it. No, look, look. We are basically documentarians. We're here to observe. Yeah. I don't think we should interject at all. I just want to observe.

Is that okay? That is totally fine with me. I went to Pompeii and did that. It was sick. Cool. The volcano erupted. Yeah? Yeah is totally fine with me. I went to Pompeii and did that. It was sick. Cool. The volcano erupted and I was just like... You know what? From an observation standpoint I'd come. So nothing

happened in Pompeii? Oh no, something happened. I just didn't... Yeah, like you didn't interject? Like we didn't have to do anything? We just watched? Yeah, we just watched. We definitely didn't meet a man whose face I stole later. I 100% know what gets you kicked out

as a companion. I'm sorry. This sentence. I'm sorry I can't work Christmas. That's it. That's okay because you might be dead. What? Yeah, look. I was very team

look, being a companion will be fine, but now that I know that I'm travelling with me. Yes. It's become less good. Surely that's better for you. Surely the idea of travelling space and time with yourself is great. Yeah, actually, no, good point. I've gone full circle twice.

One and a half. A very short period of time as well. I make quick decisions, Adam. That's why I'm the doctor. I think fast. I change my opinion often. Guns are fine. No, they're not again.

If it was the time Lord Victorious, I'm more on board. Yeah. When he gets loose and he's like, I'm ready to fuck with time. Yeah, he's like, let's do fucking everything, change everything It's gonna be rad, I'm like, yes! What if I just kept running off? We land in a planet, we walk out, I'm like At what point does he stop coming to get me

And I just run back like, haha, that was fun As the TARDIS disappears I reckon he'd put one of them leashes on you One of those, like a The kid leashes, you're like, get back like a hoodlum. The kid leashes? You're like, get back, come on. Jackson, we've got to go stop the Cybermen. I don't want to.

I want to run. I'm so full of energy. Well, you're like a dog. Dogs are crazy. Always jumping. Or if I kept tackling him. The doctor? Yeah.

The doctor's like, hey, and I'm like, whoop! Or he gets up, I'm like, yeah'm like, whoop! Well, no. Or he gets up, I'm like, yeah, yeah, whoop! Or what if I just kept hitting on him, but to the point where it was just too uncomfortable. I feel like he'd be into it. The doctor doesn't give a shit. You'd just be making out with him and be like, oh, well, okay. What if I insist on holding hands during every adventure?

I've done that before. It's fine. I miss hers a bit. Always back to his first The idea of, what if I won't stop banging on about Rose? Tell me about her. Tell me literally everything about Rose, please.

And don't stop. I don't like to talk about it. What if I start asking questions about Martha? I'll answer heaps of questions about Martha. You just did not care, did you? No, I cared. Adam, when you said, what if I kept banging on about Rose, I thought you were going to say, what if I kept banging pots?

Bang, bang, bang. Jackson, boom, boom. What if I took up the drums and insisted you buy me a drum kit? The doctor chatting to an alien being like, yeah, well... Sam, I reckon you could just... For just a little bit.

What? Could you just not play the drums? Just for a second. I'll do it. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. I'll do it quieter. No, that's it. Fuck it.

You're not invited anymore. I've had enough. I'm ready to travel solo. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've had enough. I'm ready to travel solo. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. I've been Adam. And that was a live plumbing the Death Star in Wales.

Woo! Card death. No. Card death. Nah. If you want to hear our other shows, you can head to sanspantsradio.com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps. And if you want to support us, head to sanspantsplus.com. Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Good night for now. But not forever.

Kisses.