Plumbing the Death Star - Would It Be Easier To Be Human on The Planet of The Apes or An Ape on The Planet of The Humans?

Episode Date: November 2, 2025

did you guys ever see stuart little? that fucking movie is insane. The cats a pet but stuart the mouse is a person? and he's got a little bedroom and everything. Links to everything at https://linktr.ee/plumbingthedeathstar including our terrible merch, social media garbage and where to become a subscriber to Bad Brain Boys+ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, everybody, welcome this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. All the pop culture, nuts, based on speculation. Wow, it is hard to be duchro. He makes it look easy. He does. He makes it look sexy. He does. He makes introducing this show look good.

Sorry, go on. No, I remember. How does Plumby. It goes like this. Hey, welcome to this week's episode of Plumme the Death Star, a pop culture. Then it's the introduction. Then introduction. Plumby The Dester's a comedy pop culture podcast that asks the important questions.

That's right. 14 years. 14 years. Every day, still poons my... Poon's my brown-tane area, Kevin Smith, tweet. Everybody, and welcome to Punning Desta. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson.

Hi, Sammy. Welcome to the podcast, Sammy. Where's Dusha? Where's Dusha? He's missing, presumed dead. Oh, that's so sad. Not confirmed at this point. Yeah, presumed.

Maybe for the thumbnail for this one. Is this funny or is this nothing? But the thumbnail for this one, we just have a, like, a carton of milk with a missing doucheer post on it. People go, what's that got to do with the topic? We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. The first time in Australia that there's ever been a carton for a man. Yeah, exactly.

A missing kid in his doucheer after all this time. Have you said, do you, hey, it's 10 p.m. Do you know where your doucheer is? Your doucheer is. Like a guy in his 30s that they're looking for it. We got to find him, dude. Where is he? So Plummed Desta is, of course, a pop culture podcast where we ask the important questions.

Like, would it be easier to be an ape living in the planet of the humans or a human living in planet of the apes? Now, you might think Plummi Duster, they're finally going to lost their god. their minds. I don't know. This seems a pretty normal topic. Yeah, but it's not even out. This comes from a listener in the Discord, which you can gain access to by subscribing to Bad Brain Boys.

You can suggest the topic. This is from Gustavo TCB. I think it's an awesome question, frankly. Was it Gestapo? This comes directly from the Gestapo to your... This is you. Thanks for writing in, I guess. Yeah, I suppose.

Hey, I've got... You're still going to be nice to your listeners, so better how fuck they are. Thanks for subscribing. Thanks for listening, I guess. Still a listen, I guess. Still a download. Hey, every number counts. Exactly, exactly. So, okay, so I guess the question is, is it better to be, because I would say,

and I don't think this is controversial, apes are already living in a planet of the human situation. Right? Like an ape at the zoo is currently. I mean, that's okay to say, have you seen chimp crazy? No, I have not. Is this thing on? I'm like, have I seen a chimp go crazy?

No, maybe, but so, telling me more. Yeah, what's Chimp Crazy? It is, so Chim Crazy is one of, it's kind of like Joe Exotic. Remember how everyone got wild for Tiger King? And I feel like this would have been as big if it was in a time when we had nothing to do, aka the COVID virus, the novel coronavirus, the Plandemic. If there's anyone that wants to talk about that, this goddamn Plandemic. But I did say that on a podcast a little while ago, the Plandemic.

And the guy just nodded, and I went, oh, I don't. I don't think we're on the same page here. No, no, however we could, though, because then we can, like, we can spin and get that alt-right money. Oh, that's fine. Let's get that old right money. Yeah, like, yeah, being more on, like, you know, the left side of things, you're like, God, we're poor as shit. It's not financially viable, dude. Maybe that's what's next for us.

You've got to be the change you want to see you in the world. Start with a man in the mirror, right? Yeah. Where's my money, you know, Russian propaganda money? Where are my voice? Where's my Gestapo to know? Why's the Gestapo paying me? What the hell?

But yeah, so Chimp Crazy, I think in the COVID times, that was huge, Joe Exotic, the Tiger King. This is as good, if not more kind of wild. Yeah. And it is chimp crazy. People who own chimps. Oh, no. Chimpan A to chimpanzee. Of course.

And it is people who keep them in their homes. Some of them are caged. Some of them are not. Which I think seems a little bit more wild. I don't know. We can't say anything these days. But it is so wild to me that people actually take them out, they play with them. And then all they do through the whole documentary is say things like,

yeah, I know, was it Travis the Eighth once ripped off a woman's face. But it doesn't happen that often. And it's like, because three of you keep them in the heart. It happened once. That's frankly enough for me. That's kind of enough. Is there much, many things that would happen once for you guys to completely stop doing it? Like, you know, make a love.

I make love once and say, not for me. I draw the lines there. It's like heroin, you know. Every subsequent one is just never going to be as good. So why bother? But it's like a dog bite. That is what they say, your first time is the best. They always say that about everything.

It's so funny to have like a terrible, like your first time having sex. Like, it's never going to be better than that. No, no, it will. It will. No, I think I've, that's the peak. I think that lady was pleased. Yeah, exactly. Putting the condom on my balls accidentally. I think that was the best it's ever going to get.

So was it just the balls. Yes. And then just trying to. That's what I'm picturing. Condom on the nuts. I have to go over that. Even go over the top or the end, the opening is, if you will. It's right over the penis.

Yeah. Oh, that's such a funny look. Yes. Contain everything. Everything was in. Painting everything. Wow. Like a big bag of grapes.

It's like you're protecting it from the outside. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Protecting it from the outside world. Oh, that would be so... Yes? I'm trying to think if there's anything that would happen to me once. Because people get bitten by dogs and everything, but I guess it's not your face ripped off by it.

That's true. If a chimpanzee ripped off my face, I would never own another chimpanzee. Yeah, you draw the line. That would probably be my line. Yeah. I mean, when I was very young, I remember getting, like, hit by, like, a push bike. Oh, yeah. And that did cause me have like a fear or a rational fear of like, you know,

so I learned to ride a bike well into my teen years because I did give me that like fear when I was a little kid. So I guess it was less of a like, I don't know, I know, one learned lesson is more of a trauma response. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, when I was trying to say, if an ape did bite off my face, I guess, that would be a trauma response as well. If an ape bit off my face and then somebody said, Jackson, I got a birthday present for you and it was a big sort of present. It was jiggling around. And I was like, oh, actually, I really appreciate the gesture, but an ape's probably not for me. Well, famously, when I was a child, my parents gave me a squid sandwich.

They thought it was a very funny prank to put a raw squid in between two slices of bread. A raw squid? Can you just buy? They had one somehow. Was it a raw squid or was it pickled? It seemed to my child's eyes. Answer the question, what's a pickled? If it was like, yeah. If it was pickled, then you're a baby.

Sorry, let me ask you this. Are you a baby? No. I'm a big boy. I'm a big boy. Come on. No, it was like a, I don't know, it was a wet, raw. It wasn't cooked.

Oh, gross. And they had it in two sides of bread. They thought, and I was like six, and they thought, he'll have a laugh at this. He'll have a laugh. He's a fun guy. This is the ultimate test for kids. Instead, I was like, because they were like, Jackson, it's a special sandwich. And I was like, yes.

And then I opened it up and I was like, this isn't special. Did you take a bite before you open it? It didn't hit squid. Oh, you didn't hit squid. So I came close. I came close to... Is that even healthy to eat a raw squid? Probably not.

Probably no. Which is why I think it up... Surely it can't have just been like a freshly caught squid. Surely it had to be something like a big egg. It's so funny. It has been pickled. I can pick... Okay, answer the question.

Let me know. I just want to know, Jackson. I'm a big baby. You're being weird about this baby. I think it was... It must have been pickled. Yeah, he's admitting it. How would I know?

That's my question. Interesting. Interesting. Changing your story. I can't know who to trust anymore. How would I know? The truth always comes out. I can picture it really vividly, which is funny.

Like, clearly it's stuck in my mind. But I hate seafood now is my broader point. So I want, and I've always been curious whether or not every time I'm squid curious. Yeah, I'm squid curious. Every time I see a squid if I think, hmm, I'm picturing a few slices of white bread. That horrible practical joke that your parents thought was hilarious. And then the second time I ever had seafood in my life, was when I was about 12, I had a seafood stick,

and I had the second worst diarrhea of my life. What's it? What's the second worst? Probably actually third worst diarrhea. Okay, fourth. Okay, what's the first? First worst diarrhea would have been when in the UK I tried to eat 10 cheeseburgers.

Yep, yep. Why? Can I ask you that? It just was a passing fancy. And I had seven. Kind of like a test, you would challenge you do so? Yeah, I was like, what if I tried to eat 10 cheeseburgers? And I got seven down.

And no one said anything around. You're like, I'm going to do it anyway. Okay. You really want me to? I guess if you want me to, a big baby like me. You want to dare me? Who was a dummy? Who was a dummy?

You bet you'd think I was a big boy if I ate 10 cheese. Everyone just keeps talking. You're like, yeah, I guess everyone think I'm a big boy. All right. My memory of that day is, I guess. Sounds like a horrible day to be honest. That morning, sorry. Yeah.

Is because like I. The morning after. The morning after. Yeah. I guess the morning after poo. Yeah. The prelude. to the worst diary of your life.

Yeah. From my perspective. Yeah. I had the bedroom kind of near the bathroom. And you had to, lucky me. And you were like a store above me. And all I heard in the morning was like a door slam, like the rush footsteps down the stairs.

A big boy running down stairs. And then a slam of a door. And then that door did not open for a while. No, that's so funny. And then the second worst diarrhea of my life was recently when I went on antibiotics because it lasted about a week and a heart. Does everyone want me to do it? But you think I was a big boy if I did antibiotics?

I'd have to be the biggest boy if I wasn't antibiotics. But a baby couldn't stop it. It's so funny to keep bringing up. You was a baby to people that have nothing to do with it. Haven't met you before either. I guess a big baby wouldn't have antibiotics. A baby wouldn't have antibiotics, so I reckon I should do it, right? Then you'd think I was a big boy.

Then you'd finally accept me. You'd think that was pretty cool, pretty tough if I went out of antibiotics. Yeah, yeah. Well, guess what? I had diarrhea for two weeks, so who's the baby now? Just the baby now. It's cool. Yeah, would a baby have diarrhea for two weeks?

I don't think so. Yes, yeah, yeah, probably they would, Jackson. Fuck. Not bad, it's not good. Fuck, fuck. I'm going to have solid cheese. You're going to have 10 cheeseburgers. Yeah, yeah.

What McDonald's meal gives you constipation? I want to say a McGrittle. Yeah, a McGrittle will do it, too. No, ask the person behind McInavee. So what one you get constipation from, usually? I'm looking for a kind of constipation burgl. What are you asking you offer me? Yeah, what is your cheesiest burger?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's your most dense sort of... Asking for a big boy. Yeah, yeah. Because I don't know if you know the babies can't do cheese. Babies can't have cheeseburgers. They can't have constipation either. I've been led to believe.

So you're having antibiotics? Yeah, well, I was on antibiotics, and it gave me diarrhea for two weeks. And I had to miss a lot of work. He did. I had to miss a lot of work. Haves of work. I was on what you might call diarrhea leave.

You get it in Australia. Every year you get a week. You get a week of diarrhea leave. The food here is terrible. Thankfully, you accrued an extra week. Yeah, exactly. So, okay, so if you're an ape now, you live in a human world.

But, yes. I would say there are, some apes have it better than others. Yeah, sure. Yeah. What do you think? Yes. When you say he's such a thing. When you say such a thing.

When you say such a thing, which ape do you think has it better? Well, okay, but I got to ask, let me answer your question with another question, Joe Zammett, okay? Better for me or better. The old question was a raised question. Question, I see your question and I raise you a further question. Better for me as an ape or better for me as me as me? as an ape.

Ah, another question. You made the question somehow more confusing than it already was. So what I mean by this is that obviously for an ape living in the jungle is primo ape life. Of course. But if I was in ape...

Because I don't that they have enough around them to survive and to live freely. You've got bananas, trees. Antibiotics. Antibiotics. Diarrhea for two weeks. You live in that ape life. But for me as an ape, if I was in an ape's body,

I would want to live in such as the circus. Of course. Oh, okay. If you were the ape, your mind was in the ape body here. I have different desires. Different needs and desires. Well, because I was thinking in a symbol of vein, because being like an actor ape now,

right, like in planet the apes, they never really have that. There's no like, oh, look, here is detective humans. That's true. We've dressed up in bed time for Bonzo and it's the Reagan ape and a little man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's very true.

They need more, like, in all post-repancy. Apocalyptic places and universe. I feel they just need more media. Yeah. You want them to have an economy. Yeah. To really rebuild. Yeah.

Well, I think... Because our world and society have worked out so well. Exactly. And entertainment is very important. Correct. But is part of the reason in like, say, make like a mad max, the reason they don't have TV is like you need to be bored to have TV, you know? Well, yeah.

But also when your life is just surviving, you still need some kind of entertainment. That's true. You need downtime. do for entertainment? Put a blanket on their head. You ever seen to do that? Play with Stoaks. Hassel mum and dad.

I saw an orangutan tie of not. Family guy. Hell yeah, bro. Oh, they love magic tricks. They do love magic tricks. They love magic tricks. They love looking at fire and stuff. Well, so like in an ape situation, would you like to be an ape in the, well, I guess

there's four options maybe, maybe five. Number one, ape in the zoo. Number two, ape in the circus. Number three, ape in the jungle. Number four, ape in a private collection. and number five, ape on the loose. Let me ask your question, answer your question with another question. Okay.

Do I have to be an ape at all? Whoa. Can I just be myself? Okay. So do I have my, if I'm an ape, do I have my mind? Yes. A human mind? I believe you got your mind in an ape body.

Oh, wow. Yeah. You can pick your ape. Yeah. I think because of how lazy I am, zoo would be great. Zoo would be nice. But also, the people watch me all the time. I think you get quite over that. Absolutely.

And if they're making you do tricks. I don't know. I mean, I haven't been to a zoo in a long time. As a father, this is more circus. This is more circus. They're not getting them to do tricks. They're not poking them to do tricks. Hey, do a shuffle with cars.

Do it through quick. I guess it depends what kind of zoo and if it's like a less reputable. Maybe. I'm going to an evil zoo. They're going to pick a card any card. Yeah. To do that ape. Okay.

So what are the three options? You've got a zoo, circus. What's the third option? Jungle. Oh, jungle. Private collection on the loose. Private collection What? Who is the collector?

Well I'm imagining like the people in ape crazy Yeah, or Chip Crazy Crazy. Yeah, well you're in a cage Actually for that as well. I think that's probably the worst one Yeah, yeah, I think so. And also in Chimp Crazy, she pretends because there's like a lockdown on I think they're like trying to

What is it like kind of hone in on how you're allowed to keep apes and to give them levy and she pretends that she kills one but she's actually keeping it and the documentary crew find out that she's actually still got the chimp. That's my cell for it. It's actually pretty cool. That's crazy. She pretends she's killed it and she hasn't killed it at all.

What the fuck? It's fun. Whoa, that's awesome. Yeah, I don't know if I've just ruined the whole series for everybody, but it's fun. Nah, nah, nah. You can tight everywhere. So I think, I think free range, I would like to be a free range. Yeah, living in the jungle. Living in the jungle. Yeah. Just having the best goddamn life. Exactly. You get to climb up on a tree.

Yeah. Pick a fruit. Minitas and type. Yeah, exactly. And this is, of course, like an ape, current. currently, I guess. Currently, the ape in a human world. Yeah, that's right. In a planet of the humans.

The free-range ape, though, scares me because of, like, well, humans are hunting me for my delicious bushmate. You can't get poached in the circus, as they famously say. And I feel the performance all the time. Yeah, oh, that is true. Unless maybe if you're an ape in the circus,

you're just like, you're an ape that does a particular thing anyway. A cat trick. Yeah, exactly. You're an ape who naturally, you know, does card tricks and so they're good on roller skates. Yeah, exactly. And you're having the time of your life and they just put you on display. I guess like you could learn a new tricks.

You could learn in a bit of a trade if you're in the circus. That's true. That's all showbiz. Yeah, exactly. That's showbiz, baby. I guess movie ape is another kind of ape you can be in a human world. Yeah. I guess it just depends on, you know, I guess the union.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who your agent is? Yeah. I want, yeah, movie ape, but like back when it was like, was it the 70s? Silver screen time or 70s? When it was just really cooked, because even though they were as an ape, they were still treating the ape like an A-lister. Oh, yes.

So they kept giving the ape, like, you know, drugs and sweet honeies. Well, do you want to be... Sweet-Hunnies. What the hell was going on? Do you want to be, like, a J. Fred Muggs? Yeah. He was a 50s and 60s. Yeah.

So Travis was a, he was a famous ape as well. Oh, really? Yeah, the one that ripped a face off was apparently a star. He was like a movie star. Huh. Yeah, he was in lots of... Let me look it up right now. Yeah, please do.

It'll just come back to say, lie. It's crazy. The fame went to his head. Oh, no, that's crazy. You know, imagine you acted alongside. He went out of control that Lindsay Lohan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, Jeff Fred Muggs was a famous acting ape,

and he's most, he was in, like, he was like a co-star on a news program, but he was most famous for biting his co-stars. So, like, I think if you have an ape in any situation, like, you know, in an entertainment context. Yeah. Because also, what's that other ape show that I showed you guys? Something, something superchip.

Super chimp. Is that the one where they were like talking but not? Yeah. Secret chimp. Secret agent chimp. Secret agent chimp. I'm telling you right now, he was a famous chimp. So he was in various commercials.

He was on the Mori Povet show and the man show. He's also in lots of commercials including Pepsi. And I think it might have been the one with Michael Jackson. Whoa. In that famous Pepsi commercial. And again, I've just, I came down. back with the truth and then I've probably gone for another lie. Raise it.

Let's find a lie. Absolutely. But yeah, but it's, yeah, he was in lots of, and I think lots of films and things as well. It really did. His whole history was overridden by the woman's face he ripped off. I mean, that would tarnish your legacy. Yes. Like it's one little mistakes.

In towards like the end of, say, Al Pacino's life. Sure. If one of the last things that he does, he's go a little bit crazy and rip someone's face. Give me your face. Give me a huge face. You can only do one. You can only do one face rip in your life. You really?

Face RIP is, I call it. I feel like, I don't know. I don't know if I could, you know, watch heat again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it would ruin heat for. But what a fun bit of trivia for someone that doesn't know. You know, Al Pacino. Yeah, he ripped up a woman's face with his mouth. No.

No way. I did that. Al Pacino. Yeah. I did that with a friend who once told me like a fact that kind of everyone knew. Oh, yeah. And it was, you know, Robin Williams was going to be.

Oh, so it was just like whatever it was, but it was something probably about Robin Williams. Yeah. I can't even really remember what the fact was. But I reacted like that to his fact. Yeah. Oh, no, what? And so then he thought, oh, this must be interesting.

Oh, that's awesome. And then I watched him continually tell it to people for like years. And every single person went, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, everyone knows that. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, everyone knows that. It's like, you know, there's oxygen in,

Whatever it is, it's like, oh, what? Like, you need fire and oxygen, and whatever it was. It was like something so simple. But then because I did it one time, so that's another thing. If I did that one time, it's now forever. I enjoyed that so much that one time. It goes, well, I got that hit once. Yeah, exactly.

I'm going to keep trying every time, every opportunity. I find that comedians that one time just have one good gig. All it takes that one good gig and then they go, I'm going to do this forever because I'm like and laughs again. Except that success is dangerous. It really is. It's the last year. One, one time. Yeah, one time.

Why doesn't it work the other way? I had one really bad geek and I'm giving up. That's it. You know what? Time to go work. I'm out. You can't handle that anymore. I'm out.

Nope. No booze. Thank you very much. Oh, sorry. No, please. Your chimp fantasy of being in the 70s, Travis time, before you go apocalyptic on someone's face.

That would be, so you think that's the time. That would be, so you think that's the time. That's the best... I think... Because you'd be hanging out with Macaulay, can I imagine? Oh, that's true. That's too early for... No, yeah, it's a bit early for Macaulies.

But you might get to... Because it depends. Yeah, exactly. Who you always want to hang out with. If you're in eight, that's the dream. Okay. I wish you could hang out with more kids. I was like, yeah, either, like, yeah, in the maybe a bit before, like, where...

Jay Fred Mugs. Or even like in, like, before the Hayes Code kicked in. Okay. Because things were fucking wild. Yeah. Yeah. And I reckon as an ape, a movie star ape, I reckon I'd love cocaine. Smoking. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I reckon you're big on the white powder. Yeah. Watching an apes, not coke, would change my life. Like, imagine an ape, just rolling up a 20 and being like, he knows what he's doing. Oh, my God. Outside a nightclub. Having a jazz cigarette while he's waiting. That would be.

Yeah, that's cool. I would think I was in a planet of the ape's situation. Yeah. I saw that. I wonder if the apes did get money themselves for any of the. movies and just that's a great question do you reckon it's a lucrative job to have like a Hollywood ape reading

about those Hollywood apes again back in the day it did seem that they they were like treated like the a list it's like they were getting like sponsorships or they were getting like gifts sent and you're like I don't under do people did they not realize that this was an ape yeah yeah yeah butter up

the train or whatever but yeah it just seemed that they just weren't doing that would be you would be absolutely overshadowed by the ape you'd train If you had a famous chimpanzee and people were like, wow, giggles the chimp, he's incredible. And you go, well, yeah, but I mean, it's, well, like, I'm the guy. Well, yeah, but you don't want the limelight. You want to be the person.

No, I want the limelight. Well, then you should be the ape. But I'm no good at acting. I'm only good at making apes act. I kind of think that would be the same as if, like, you know, you're like David Strasman or someone who's like a ventriloquist and they're sending the presents to like TDB or wherever their puppets. That's nice a koala sent a bed to Chuckie Wood. Cool.

Cool. It's too small for me. Or like a check to the teddy bear. And it's like, I can't cash that. Yeah, exactly. I'm getting paid for teddy bear all the time. It's real? It's a fucking popper. It's a puppet, dude.

Cockity Club being like, great performance. You know what? That teddy made me laugh. I'm giving him a 10% bonus. You know, what are you doing? There's a story. I think it's in the, you know, the, uh, born standing up, the Steve Martin book, for an autobiography, and it's, he tells a story in it about being working late in a club, and there was a ventriloquist there, and the club owner said,

I think you're great, but would you mind moving the microphone a little bit closer to the dummy's mouth? Oh, that's so funny. It's just like, not really understanding the whole concept and what he was doing, you know. Just truly in that moment, believing in some way, the dummy was talking. In a way, as an adult. I believe in magic now. I think the cool thing about being a ventriloquist is surely...

Many things. Well, I mean, it's awesome at a baseline. But surely of all of the performing arts, that's the one that's most likely to drive you insane. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Surely, like, you end up strangling the ventriloquist dummy at some point. Because it's more famous than you.

Yeah, exactly. I've always wanted to get a really, really creepy ventriloquist doll. Just for no reason other than to do it to... friends sometime. Just pull it out and go I'm thinking I'm working on something new and just you have to

kind of like this baby that's a beautiful I have this as a ventriloquist doll and I just get going Mama just something like that I'll call and you a big boy but something like

you keep going I'm not like that I'm not like that's for me actually I'm actually a real actual big voice I don't need that anymore you're actually doing a baby voice and I'm a big boy

if you're going to do me do a big boy voice yeah if you're going to do me let me tell you something do a big boy voice How many might not know about me, okay? I'm a big boy.

I'm a big boy. I do big boy. I do big boy shit. Yeah, yeah. Great thing you say in the first stage. Come on a look. You don't know about me, two truths and a lie, okay. I'm a big boy.

You might have noticed. Pretty big boy. Pretty big boy. Should I get 10 cheeseburgers right now? Would that make you think I was a big boy? But yeah, but so I would just love to get like the creepiest ventral of this doll. And I think it would have to be kind of like one of those old wooden faces. Yeah, 100%.

And it would have to have, like, just the painted, painted on lipstick that they seem to have. Yeah. And real, like, the real, like, going to, the eyes that makes you feel like they're watching. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it won't be great. It's a really good way to fuck up your kid if you, you make it. I'll give it a squid sandwich.

Yeah, well, that'll do it too. But, like, the idea of just leaving it around the house for your kid to find and then being like, I don't know what, this is about throwing it away, kid goes to sleep, you bring it back in. Oh, you've just bought 10. Yeah, exactly. Or you model it after your own child. Oh, that's really good.

Yeah, that's nice. And then you'd be like, when you're discovering, like, where did you find that? Yeah, exactly. We have to hide yourself for you. You can't find that. Yeah. That lives in the attic. But you want to do it for like a week.

Yeah. And then never again, so that when they're an adult, they go, what was that? That's the kind of, you know, what I want my child to be thinking as an adult. Yeah, yeah. Always thinking of that. It's really nice to know that there's really some unique ways you can mess up at a child. I see that all the time. Everybody's doing a normal style.

Yeah, you always do it. Normal style. yelling at you kid. Imagine if every time your kid got in trouble, you did it through the ventriloous. Oh, that's going to really mess it up. And make the kid talk to the doll. Yeah.

He's going to be so mad at you. Mr. Squiggles is currently inside his case, furious. I can hear him. I can hear him. You better not fucking the dog. I don't know what you don't know. The son of my bitch.

He's got a real potty mouth. Oh, yeah. You've really angered that. You don't even try and do, like, the voice straight. Like, it's just like, you just talk. normally, but it's through that voice. See your mouth moving the whole time? I'm very disappointed in you.

What's that? What's that? Yeah. Yeah, your son sucks. And also going to get like deliveries if someone comes to the door and stuff. You're like, you're now the mental person around the neighbour. Don't go to his house. He talks through a ventriloquist dummy. Something you need to know about him. He talks through a

ventriloquist doll. Maybe in the pram, you put the ventriloquist dummy and make your child walk. That's good. That's really good. Unique ways to fuck up a kid. All right. What about if we are human beings living in a planet of the apes situation? Okay. Now, I have some questions. I'm going to ask, I answer your question, with some questions of my own. I truly love you too. Now, are we going to be like perhaps, I believe it's the original planet of the apes where humans can't talk? Okay. Or like the more modern day planet of the apes where humans can talk, which I think is closer to the original...

Well, let's say we... Closer to real life. Yeah. Much closer. Exactly. Human beings can talk. Little known fact. Well, okay, let's say...

We can talk. Okay. But just like in our current world, the apes can't understand us. Okay. Well, we can understand each other. Like, obviously, apes can understand the apes? Can we understand the apes? Yes.

We can understand the apes. Just like apes can understand us. Imagine this episode was where you found out. I just had a bunch of insane beliefs about... Like, you know how, like, a chimpanzee knows what a gorilla is saying, obviously. All apes can understand English, so they just can't speak it. Cats can understand squirrels. Everybody knows this.

It's like basic stuff. Yeah. Well, okay, maybe I'm going to sound insane. But now that you bring it up, like, if, say, a gorilla was there with an orangutan in my brain. Just kicking a bat? Yeah. I reckon they could communicate with each other. It just feels right.

One, a gorilla is from, a gorilla is an African animal. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. Indonesian out of all.

So different languages. Different languages already. I just feel like vibe-wise, I reckon they could, you know, they could communicate a bit better. I'm not here to deny that they could vibe it out. Just like how, you know, I could, you know, vibe out. The French person. Yeah, exactly.

You know, someone from France. Yeah, yeah. You could think, I suppose in what context? No, no, I generally don't. No, I generally think they could communicate. Wow, I'm fucking dumb. Yeah, stupid as that. Oh, shit.

They can talk and stuff. What do you, what context do you imagine? an orangutang and a gorilla are in. Okay. Hungry Jacks. Hungry Jacks hanging out. That's awesome. I think if I saw an orangutan and a gorilla and a hungry jacks, I'd be like, they're planning something. They're going to rob this Hungry Jacks. Also, am I nuts to think? And this is that Hungry Jacks, I was told this as a kid, that Hungry Jacks, the guy who started Hungry Jacks in Australia, went over to

America, saw Burger King. Yeah. Came back to Australia and started Burger King here. But renamed it Hungry Jacks and got sued for it? No, my understanding is that when Burger King came to Australia, they were like, we're going to open Burger Kings. But there was somebody who had the copyright on Burger King. So they had to change. Yeah, in Australia already. So they had to change the name to Hungry Jacks.

But I've actually never looked into verify this. Yeah, that's the story I was told. I think it could be an interesting story. Again, I've not looked anything up. Yeah, exactly. Nor I. As someone who has my little mobile computer with me at all times, I'm kind of a look in anything.

Or it could have been something where, like, we did the market research and we realized Australians did not react well to... They do not like kings. She's the same, we don't like kings here. Yeah, but they love someone... No kings. Yeah. But like a guy named Jack who's a bit hungry?

Yeah, we love that, dude. Because I can understand that. Also weird to call it Hungry Jacks, but we've never seen what Jacks looks like. That's true. There's no, like, kernel or anything. That's a great point. There's no... Thank you for saying that.

I appreciate that. Yeah. It's a very good point. Where's Hungry Jack? Yeah. You know what? I assumed it was like, just because they kind of went, well, we can't do, you know, like, you know, we can't do like Burger Queen because, well, Australia, they're never going to respect women. Yeah, we're not going to go to a feminist burger store.

So let's go the next one down, which is, you know, you're Jack. So I assumed it was some sort of like, you know, lesser royalty. I think Jack is less for lesser royalty. Why don't they go with Duke then? Hungry Jukes? Yeah. They should release a Burger Queen, though. That would be awesome, dude.

I just love to meet Jack. Imagine if he was just like the most fuck looking. guy. Oh, he's so emaciated. Give that guy a burger. His face ripped off by Jim. He's fine, man. Don't like that.

Burger King introducing their latest mascot, Hungry Jack. There's a little curious thing about Hungry Jack. His face was ripped off by a gym. Why? He's got that's crazy like Jeff Dahmer glasses. And just like real parted and sweat back hair. A real long ponytail. Hungry Jack and he's hungry for human flesh.

That's our new mascot. And then looking at the marketing team going, is this like that bit, think you work on? No, this is, we've done the research. We've done the research. This is what people want. People are crazily respond to this. You know what's big right now?

Cannibal. Do you see that Jeffrey Dahmer movie or whatever? I've ever loved it. I've been obsessed recently with both the film, Mrs. Doubtfire. Oh, yeah. Just a story. Hello. And it's just like the wildest story ever.

It's crazy. But also Stuart Little. Because I was talking to, and this kind of relates back to the ape thing, the mouse living in the people world, but they pick him up from an orphanage, and there's no other mouse. It's crazy. Mice. I'm so sorry, guys.

That's okay. Don't have me. Please don't have me. Please, listeners, don't, I never got me for this. I don't need this. We're all human. I don't need this name. We're all human, some of mice.

I don't know. Exactly. Just like one miss. Like, I fucked it. I fucked it. He's canceled. He's canceled. He's cooked it.

He's done it. I can't do this. Immunity is going to come for him. You know what? I'm out, I'm out! I'm out! But yeah, so there's no other, in that world, there are no other mice. Yeah. I'm very careful now with my wording.

Well, there are no other, but he can talk to the cat. That is bizarre. It's bizarre that he can talk to the cat. Because the thing is, there are other mice. If you remember in Stuart Little, and this makes it even more confusing, is that... He's going to correct me right now. At a certain point, I'm just... I throw my coffee in your face and walk out.

Your first walkout after 14 years? To have a walkout would be awesome. I was like, was it something we said? What did we do? I just thought I was contributing to the conversation. I was trying to be helpful. I was just trying to be helpful. You guys called like mutual friends after us and go,

met him for the first time we saw a coffee website. True a fit. Huge feud in the podcasting world. Everyone's got to pick aside. Stewart Gate. That's what they're calling it. No, because he's got, there's a point where two other mice come to the door and they say, where you, where E, Stuart Little, where you're

mum and dad? Shit, and they go... And they're dodgy as far. Yeah, because they're not his mum and dad. They've been hired by the cat, which is even more fucking bizarre because the cat is definitely a pet. And the cat has connections to the

humanoid mouse world. He's higher in the mice, which means that they've got some sort of currency going on there. But only these dodgy mice. Yeah. He knows dodgy, the underworld mice. Yeah.

And those mice... Although if you were a dodgy mouse... Having, like, you know, a cat. Yeah. Oh, you a favor. That's pretty powerful. That's a lot of currency. That's really good.

But what's weird as well about those mice, right, is they live in a golf course in like a castle that's part of the mini golf course. Yes. So they own. Because they take him home, don't they? Yeah, but that's not. Do they own that property? They abduct him. They abduct them.

Poor boy now. And I guess there's no law. It's a really weird sort of civil. It's a weird film when you're really look into it at all. When those mice abducts Stuart Little, that's a kidnapping. That is, they have abducted him. It's a mouse napping. That's a mouse napping under false pretext, right?

They say, we're your parents. Like, if that was two human beings to a real child, that'd be a fucked up situation. Make no mistake. Can Hugh Lorry, can he take those mice to court or within the legal system of Stuart Little? Yeah, like what? Or do they go, oh, mice, we can't control the mice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your human laws mean nothing.

What the fuck's going on there? And then, in the second one, he gets a bird girlfriend. I don't know if you remember this. And the bird... I said that was so no, I go, yes. Yes, obviously that's what happens. But he gets a bird girlfriend and she only wears a hat, but Stuart Little wears pants and a t-shirt. Well, is Stuart Little wear pants and a t-shirt before he went to the orphanage?

Or was that, once again, human laws being applied to... But his parents wear... Yeah, his parents wear clothes. Which is weird as well. We never see naked Stuart Little and Stuart Little. And that's what I wanted to say. I want to say like a butt-since-a-dick. Yeah.

Yeah. Bought penis. Stuart Littl's little rat dick on the big screen. He's not a rat. You need to know this. Don't at me. I don't need this right now. You just can't answer it yourself.

Jackson Bailey is over party. Welcome to my life right now. I'm going to pivot. I'm going to pivot. This is when the pivot happens. And I do a stand-up special where I'm like, you can't say anything anymore, dude. A mouse and a rat? What's the difference?

What the hell? And you've got cheers from people. And you've got some mice up the front, some rats on the front that love what you did as well. They're like, he gets it. He gets it. Some of my best friends are ratting mice. I'm a rat and this is funny.

That's what they say. Raky heart them. This is a crazy world where I'm going to pivot entirely to the rat mouse audience. I love that. And I'm going to try and make stuff relatable to them. You haven't noticed you want the cheese in the mouse trap? Yeah. But you know you'll die if you go for it.

What's with them cheeses with the holes? Yeah. That's real good. I want more cheese. Hey, who here lives in a little hole in the wall? Hello! You're killing me out of here. Happy to do like a little bits like your type five is about different installations.

Yeah, yeah. You know, I love me a house where they haven't gotten like, you know, the 9.5 bats. Those are so itchy. Oh, I'm so stretchy. And the difference between mice and rats? Yeah, exactly. That's a big routine. Oh, yeah.

You'll have a notice. You haven't noticed. You don't have your front teeth. Just like, keep growing. So you got to chew on some... Yeah, you notice mice have quite small tails and rats be over here with, you know, far bigger ones. Far bigger ones.

There's no joke in anything they say. Far bigger ones. They're much bigger. And rats are bigger in general. Everyone knows that. Everybody, this is when I'm getting cold out because I don't really understand mouse and rat culture. I don't get that.

This is all surface level shit, dude. He's a fake guy. We don't agree with anything, is that? He's a poser, dude. You know, when you're a rat friend has a mouse girlfriend, and you're like, they're really small for you. My friend's dating a bird. What's that? Anybody else experience this?

He's like, dating the bird. Oh, no, I'm cancelled again. I don't know, man. You haven't noticed. No, time out. This sounds made up. No, you haven't noticed. Amos can't date a bird

I'm out I'm out It's like a donkey date The drag Yeah exactly You're talking about You'll ever notice How birds

We're wearing a hat But mice We're wearing people clothes You ever done This could be just sitting On stage Like real slumped A bird

No That's too far That's too far Come on That's ridiculous They've got a Kowaka It's not gonna work

Dude They're from the sky Mice are from the house You know this different worlds. They eat mice. That is true. Hey, here's the thing that's happening at my house at the moment, dude, that's fucking me up.

You ever had cluster flies? What is that? So, it's like a fly infestation. But not gross. No, you're a big boy. Okay. Well, I mean, it is gross because it's a lot of flies, but they're a nice fly. Oh, nice ones.

What do you mean they're a nice fly? So they're called cluster flies. So yesterday, I went to my window in my lounge room, covered in fly. Oh. I'm like, what the fuck? Have we got some kind of fly problem? Like, is something... How'd you do?

We weren't bother yet. We're just on the wall. Yeah. And then I looked it up and it's this thing you can get called cluster flies, which are like blowflies but stupid. Like one of the ways you know it's a cluster flies, yeah, they're dopey and they don't move out of the way. And they just fill up your fucking house. It's killing me, dude.

I didn't know that. I didn't know cluster flies. It's just heaps of them. Yeah, there were about 12 flies on the window. window trying to get out. And all day, before I came into work today, I was like, periodically getting up from, like, I was doing stuff my computer, getting up, shooing the flies out. And you go, how do I deal with cluster flies? And everywhere is like, learn to live with it. You learn to live with it. That's all they're saying. Learn to live with it. So, Jack. Yes. So I'm just like, you know,

hey, what causes cluster flies in the house? Right. It just says lies. They don't exist. Make sure your home is tidy and clean. That's, are you a, do you live in squalor? Are you a baby? Are you, no, I'm a big boy. Are you a baby that doesn't clean up after themselves? How big is your house, baby? You know, it's fine. No, that's not what I was, I was reading that they... They love food and drinks, spill, stagnant water, and open, rubbish bins and...

Is this for clusterflies? Is this for clusterflies? What does this cluster flies in the house? No, that's not what I was reading. I was reading that when it gets warm and it's been cold, they come inside because it's nice and toasty. It's been cold. I'm fighting for my fucking life here.

It's been cold and then it gets warm or vice versa. The flies come into the house. What I think is happening is they're coming through a vent and going immediately to the window underneath and being like, let me out. It's fucking killing me, dude. Let me out. They call the shots all of something.

That's what it feels like. They come in and they're just like on the window like and just waiting for you, Jackson, to slide it off. Just wait. Just wait and do. Bring them out. Come on. That was from a dot UK. Okay. Maybe in Australia, we got the, the British cluster flies, love filth.

Because specifically, claustaflies, they don't eat human food. They don't lay maggots in human food. They're parasitic to earthworms, and they like fruit nectar. They just come in your house. It's common knowledge. Everyone loves fruit nectar, too. Oh, yeah. A bit of fruit nectar in the morning when you wake up.

Fuck. You kidding me? Forget about it. Lay your eggs in an earthworm that have a little cup of fruit nectar. Now you're speaking my language. That's a little bit of Loka, frankly. Anyway, dude, it's kill me these clusters. I think you need, do you have windows

that you can just open straight away and shoot them out and say, scram? Well, but it's unfortunately a slide-up window. So they're on the window and I slide it up and they're like, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah, I don't like this. Except because they're so dopey and slow, they just don't move. They're very easy to catch.

Dumb flies. Yeah, they're dumb-ass flies. Anyway. Do you think flies can talk to mosquitoes? Exam it probably does. Yeah, probably. No. No, I don't.

But I do think that spiders can talk to flies, but like, to lure them into their web. What about this? Do you think a lion and a tiger can talk to each other? No. Okay. What about a... Don't be stupid. No.

What about a leopard and a cheetah? What about a leopard and a cheetah? Yeah. Okay. This logic makes no sense. I'm trying to get to the bottom of this. Alligator or crocodile? I think they share a little, like, a common root-like language.

Culturally they differ But they would Like kind of like how we have You know different Latin language Yeah I feel the very same about What about frog and a toad Definitely not

What the fuck? Absolutely Absolutely not I think they can absolutely talk If any animal can talk to it's a frog A to a toad You're talking about tortoise and turtle No

Tortoise and turtle What's a turtle? You'll ever notice Hair and a rabbit? Yeah But I think that Oh yeah Yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, you ever find, like, you know, you're looking at a hair.

You're very slow. When you know you're stupid, you know you're not very clever. But, like, you never realize that in real time. Yeah. It's happening a lot for this episode. Because I do feel like, yeah, a hare and rabbit could speak to each other, but just the hair talks slower. Okay. Why is the hair talking?

What about a total and a hair? Yeah, a total and a hair? What about, um, oh, fuck. A dog and a wolf? Yeah, great question. Same, same, like, you know, root language. Same heritage. Yeah.

Okay, okay, all right, I just good to get to the bottom of this stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good to find out with the goalposts. Yeah, good to figure out what's going on here. What's going on? Yeah, yeah. Kind of think of other animals. Alpaca and a llama?

Yeah, great question. Thank you for saying that. Oh, I reckon, yeah. Horse and a cow. No. I think all the animals. Camel and a horse? No.

What about a camel with two humps, camel with one horn? Yeah. You reckon? They're easy. That's the easiest one you don't. Easiest one, man. I think all the animals in the farm can talk to each other. Goat and a lamb?

Yeah. But also, I think a goat and a horse, yes. Why? It's really interesting. Trying to figure out what the hell is happening here? Fish and a shark? Yeah, fish and a shark. Answer the question.

What kind of fish? Let's say it's going to be of saltwater. fish, let's say... I think a sunfish and a shark, yes. Okay. What about like a clown fish and a shark? No. Have you seen the film Finding Nemo? Yes. It's another abduction film. They can. They can't talk to you. Abduction film.

Yeah, that's true. I think like an orca and a shark, yes. Squid and a sponge? Yeah, great question. A great question. Great question. And a crab. Had a squirrel. And what if I added a crab? Yeah. What if there was a plankton? What if I added a big one? Lyle, but apparently is the crab's daughter.

What do you think about that? What do you think about that? I'm a big fan of this. Can I say something? This sounds hilarious. If this was a TV show, I'd watch this. Definitely watch it. Yeah, I find it, I just, like, for me, I think every animal,

if you said every animal at the zoo can talk to each other, and every animal at the farm can talk to each other, but farm animals can't talk to zoo animals, I would be like, that's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you've got some weird mixes. No, I mean, I like going through it. I like, you know, figuring it out. that, or maybe this is another thing where if you did look it up

in my little machine, I'd go, oh, it's a lie. But cows in, like, different countries have different accents. Yes, I've heard that too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So maybe it's less about the species and more about the region. Yeah, I love them hairy. Oh, you're like the Highland Coo? The Highland Coo. Great animals. Yeah, one of the best. I thought SpongeBob was written by, like, I think it was created

by like a marine biologist, like the guy is. And he was like, oh, how cool. Like, he's got so many different sea creatures and his main character is a sponge. I think he'd know a lot about that, huh? It's also a really funny when people are like, oh, he's made my marine biologist. It's like, that didn't, like, you don't have to be a marine biologist to know about crabs. It's not, it's not, Mr.

Crabs. It's nothing technical. Yeah, he's not like a... That squid's grumpy, they are in real life. Yeah, they're not anatomically... You would have eaten it. Well, that's true. That's true. I haven't eaten a squid since that moment. No, you actually didn't eat a squid in that man. Yeah, exactly. I've never tasted squid. Not even like a, you know, like a calomire?

No, I've never had a calamari ring. Just, just, just... Okay. What if it was like, hey, have some onion rings, but they're actually not onion rings. That's one of my greatest fears. Interesting. People used to do that at primary school and stuff, like go with wasabi and pretend it was avocado. When I first ever had wasabi, once again,

because I'm not clever, I did think it was avocado. So I guess I played a prank on myself. Which are the greatest pranks to play? I've probably said this before, but my dad used to do a thing with my brother and his friends where he'd give them $5 for every teaspoon of wasabi they ate. That's a cool game. It's all a cinnamon challenge.

Yeah. I just always remember Ryder and his friends gathered around my dad and they're like, I'll do another one, I'll do another one. My dad was like, this is awesome. What's your brother's name? Ryder's name. That's a cool name. He got the cool.

He's Ryder Sam Bailey. Awesome name. That's such a cool name. I'm Jackson Ronald Lindsay Bailey. Yeah, you got the shit under the stick. And I've said this before too, but my dad also said that writer could have been Hudson Bailey, but he says I could never be Hudson. He's told you that.

Yeah, he says you can. You're never going to be. Yeah, you're not a Hudson. Dad's right. He's right. He's right, but it just hurts to hear. I always wanted to be Blake growing up. That was my name I wanted, because that's my middle name.

Yeah, okay. And I always wanted to be Blake Peterson. I thought it was such a cool sounding name. Blake Peterson. That is cool. But my friend said, you couldn't have pulled that off. Okay, thank you so much. Fair enough.

Thank you so much for looking at. Understood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, the names you could have picked. What's the one Adam always wants to be? Scott. Scott. I don't really know why you'd want to be a Scott.

I think it's because he's because, He saw X-Men, the film, at a very, I guess, formative age. Didn't want to be Dr. X. And was like, oh, Scott Summers, what a great name. And saw George. But he'd be Scott Carnivalre. That's a nuts. You don't want that name.

Can't do that. Carnivalet's a very cool last year. I know. Adam Carnivalet, great name off the bat. Yeah, yeah. Joe Zammett's pretty good. I was originally Luke Zammett is cool. I'll tell you, dude.

Luke Zammett would have been about a for you. I was going to be called Luke John Zammett. Yeah, that's an awesome name, that's a full name. That's a complete name. But then my brothers had a friend called Joel, and they liked it. And so they convinced my parents to call me Joel, and then they can't call him. Yeah, they can't call me Joel John. Yeah, that's true.

Because then I would have been JJ, which I thought would be great. JJ's happened. Right? No, that would have been awesome. We missed out. We did. I find it interesting when people still have the nickname BJ. We've moved so far past that.

Really going to be BJ? Okay, BJ Novak. Is we going to go with that? Yeah. I'll have changed my name. Low job Novak. Oh, blow John Novak That's awesome

Surely you used to go a bit further And he's calling brain Yeah, yeah, yeah, Dominovac Yeah, Domovac Yeah, that's really cool Roadhead Yeah Lovely, lovely, it's actually lovely

What do you think of that? Lovely nickname, John's... I had a friend in high school And surely this is not true But he told me that his parents named him after a washing machine His name was Max And it wasn't sure for anything

He was just Max. Oh, I thought it's gonna be front loader Yeah, front loader. Oh, that's a good name That's a good name Yeah, but he said I'm like, what washing machines? I guess it was called like the something max?

Yeah, Max. And he said, yeah. Oh, so not the brand, but isn't like, oh, it's the... It's like the Power Max or whatever, and he was like, his parents named him off. So they named him after Maximum. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. His name was actually Maximum. Oh, dude, shout out to Maximum.

That's Maximum Jones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, he did have rubbish parents, so they could have to do it. Yeah, sounds like it. They were the kind of, they were like terrible parents, and I always remember, like, in the, Lots of white goods in the bookshelf they had like how to raise a child books What? There's books for this?

Yeah and I was like it's just crazy to be that bad of a parent and I'm like you've You've done the academic research but you do not know how to put it into practice Can I run with a knife? Just let me share Okay for no It doesn't say anything in here Not in here Oh wait, it's under common knowledge Okay, I get it

In a part of the ape's situation It's funny because it's kind of the same question, like, but you just, it's like, would you like to be a human being in a zoo where the apes come and see you? Well, again, it depends, it depends where civilization of the apes is at. Yeah. Because a lot of the time, that's true, actually. In planet of the apes, in any sort of version, it's, well, we're round up as, like,

humans are just round up and, um, slaves. Yeah, we are slaves. Yeah, that seems bad. Unless it's the other, like, the, the end of, like, like, the last planet of the ape in the original, like Quinn Trilogy or whatever where they're like peacefully franchises are there. I was in planning of eight franchises.

So there was the original one and that's like five movies deep I think. Oh, okay right. And then there was the Burton one that ends on a beautiful cliffhanger that went nowhere. We had like ape Abe Lincoln. Yeah, that's right. Oh, great. And then there's the new ones

where James Franco caused the virus. Yeah, he made dementia Madison to cure John Luthorth but it made a planet to be able. It checks out to me. Where in my head, Lithgow gets big in that movie, but he never got to be.

Oh, okay. He implanted a false memory. Yeah. He keeps happening. I know what's Lithgow does to you. Yeah. He's always doing stuff like that. It's the same with, you know,

is it the Scream franchise? Yeah. I've replaced Jamie Kennedy with Seth Green. Oh, same. Yeah. That's an easy mistake. Why does that happen? I don't know.

It kind of looks the same a little bit. Yeah. I don't like Jamie Kennedy. Your ideal movie, fair enough. Jamie Kennedy really the only thing he really did. Yeah. He did that. He did son of mask, I think.

Oh, okay, I think. Yeah, he did son of mask. The movie that famously, and Dusha would say this if he was here, it's one of his favorite things to pull out. But in that movie, there's a cut sequence that only is in the Australian release that has mask sperm in it. So you get to see when he impregnates his wife. Are they green sperm with mask faces?

Yeah. That's cool. For some reason, they only showed that here. They were like, the Aussies. We needed that. We love it. Exactly. This is for those downing kings and they love masks.

That's right. I think I could live in union with the planet of the apes apes. I think that would be jealous. Of what? They're the superior strength. They're superior strength. The fact I can swing from trees. They're beautiful body hair.

A funny thing happens when you put, I was watching a thing recently. I learned this is a fun fact for everybody. Herpes. Well, you know what, let me. Where's this going? Let me put a little caveat here. This was from a TikTok. So it might not be real.

I read a TikTok the other day of the total thing. Okay. So, herpes comes, we in most species have one type of herpes. Yes. But we have two. And allegedly, that's because before we were human beings, when all of our ape ancestors were fucking down with one another. Jamie Kennedy.

Jamie Kennedy style. We got herpes from this guy who was kind of like the cow of apes. Oh, David Herpes. David Herpes. When you say the cow of apes, what you mean? Imagine an upright, like, humanoid hominid, right? Yes. But with a big, broad head and flat teeth for Eden grass.

Okay. And he gave us herpes because we were boning him. David Herpes. Okay. As a punishment. Let me see if I can find this cow wife. Okay. Let's see if I can find this cow way.

So upright, just big head, flat teeth. Yeah. Okay. I'm Googling cow ape herpes. He's got hooves his hands? Yeah. When did we stop having hooves in the biological tree there? Because I reckon they'd do me good.

Yeah, I'd like hooves. Yeah. Well, actually, now that I say that, maybe I wouldn't like them all the time. I mean, maybe for my feet. Yeah, things would be way better. You want to type and stuff. Some is all you need. That's all you need in life.

And maybe get rid of a couple of fingers. We don't need four. You don't need, no, like, at least maybe, I reckon you could go, yeah, if we're just like, be a Simpson, yeah, no, one more, like, it's three, like, three, like two fingers and a thumb, I think that's all you need. You know, you can do this, you can chop off a couple. When I, I don't know what I'm here when I checked out, but I should not have checked out. It's not true?

You're chopping off fingers? No, I just, I, I couldn't find the ape in question, but. You know what? You said it? Yeah. We believed you for a moment. That's all I want in this life, and I've said this many times before, but my dream, the reason I podcast is that one, One of you, dear sweet listeners, can be out of function,

and you have this in your head because I said it. That's what you do with the saying, oh, that one time. And they go, oh, did you know that this ape that has a similar physiognomy to cow? I haven't seen the podcast I was listening to about it, but. Yeah. And they go, oh, and that's where we got herpes. And then someone far more knowledgeable than you says, that's not true. David Herpes never existed.

Where did you hear that? And they go, on a podcast. And then you do that fucking podcast. You're humiliated at the party. Give me that podcast. Give me that podcast. What's the email? I'm going to send them a very strong worded email.

But I think the reason I bring up that ape is that, like, I think as a human being in that time, when there were other hominid species roaming around that were, like, designed for something, I'd have felt so inferior being like, well, that guy's good at climbing trees, this guy's very robust, this guy's good at this, this guy's good at this. What am I fucking... I guess, I mean, I don't know many athletes because I guess I would feel the same way. Yeah, you are clearly, like, you know, physically better than me in every single way. But I feel less probably intimidated because I'm like, well, yeah, but you train.

Exactly. So in theory, in theory, I could have had done that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Heaps more. Yeah. Yeah. Just keep trying to arm wrestle. I'm a big boy. I'm a big boy. I'm a big boy. I told you that.

But like in orangutangang, they got longer arms. They can swing from trees. I can't do that. Imagine you're in prehistory, ancient prehistory, you see a Neanderthal. Yeah. And the Neanderthal is stronger than us and has a bigger brain. They can survive harsher environments and you go, what do I do? Yeah.

I mean, you survive. We survive and we bone down good. Yeah, we're probably the best of boning down. That's probably our niche in a way. We bone down. Yeah, we boned down for a while. Exactly. Yeah, which is pretty cool.

And we had bigger dicks than most other primates. That's really good. That's true. I guess we were kind of like in that early era. of human history where there were many different competing hominids we were the sexy one

Yeah It's kind of cool to think That's all that mattered I guess In pop culture often Is that there was like War between the Neanderthals And like you know

Homosapian All that kind of stuff Where we just were out Kind of constant battle But I think You know we've now realized That well no We just fucked a lot

Yeah Yeah Yeah That was our power Human beings The sexy ape That's I don't know

That's a great rebranding Yeah Maybe not the sexy Ape or the horny ape, I guess. I want to say, like, the ape with low standards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With no standards. I like, I think, I like to think.

Yeah, come on, that's the cow ape. Yeah, and we're banging the cow ape. That's true. We're not the sexy. You're right. You're right. We're like, oh, good, Jackson. He's striked out at the stowed age club, and he's banging, he's banging a cowlake.

He's banging that goddamn cow ape. Oh, my God. Yeah, but he's going to. Fuck, the cow wipes looking sexy. Yeah, dude. Get in. Like, hey, does KAL-Ape have friends? He's got herpes.

He's definitely got two kinds. I'll tell you that much. I don't know what that is, but that sounds sexy. Yeah, I see how it happens. Yeah, that makes sense. Well, yeah, what do we think is better? Is it better to be an ape in a planet of the humans or a human in a planet of the apes? Well, I guess Homes treats the other one, I guess, better.

So in Planet of the Apes, as well, I guess there's like a depending which version, and there's like a very small glimpse where they're coexisting. There is, of course, when they are treating us like slaves, which seems bad. But historically, in the real world, not good for certain apes in certain areas. We keep demolishing their forest because we love chocolate. That's true. I think I'm going to try it out in the ape world. I think me too, honestly.

Because eventually we'll coexist. Yeah, eventually. Or if we are like one of the rare ape or the rare human. like a Charlton Heston that can talk. That's true. We're a notable human. That's true. And love guns.

Yeah. Yeah. You love guns. Plus, you know, say today in our modern era, I got a bunch of apes to build a monument to me. Yeah. Okay. A funny, an awesome scenario. It's a big baby to put up his attention.

Yeah. They're worshipping big babies now. I'm looking at my blueprints and it's like me in a glorious pose and I take the blueprints out and it's a big baby for some reason. Fuck! They got me again. What went wrong? But those apes don't know what they're doing. But if I, in the planet of the apes,

I'm building a monument to an ape, you know, maybe I can kind of convince myself, that's, you know, oh, glory to the ape empire. That's true. You can converse with the ape king. That's quite nice. Yeah, it's something to believe.

Charm your wife. Believe in yourself. Yeah, exactly. What's the more recent one where it's like like X many hundreds of years into the future planet eggs? Where it's like the king ape is like Get some humans

It's like I want your knowledge Teach me your knowledge Yeah teach it to me right And you can be like Yeah teach fire What do you want to know ape I'll tell you anything What do you want to know ape

I got so much knowledge in my brain I can read a book He's got human clothes And he dates a bird He dates a bird What the fuck am I right That'd be like you dating What's the bird equivalent of a ape

Like, I guess a really big... Plain, yeah, be like you're dating a plane. Or a dolphin, maybe. They're going to tear my head off. Yeah, one would be like a dolphin dating an egg. Explaining Stuart Little to the planet of the earth. That is an awesome. That's a premise.

That's a premise. That's something, dude. There's something there. Similar. I didn't mention them before, but like Kevin Costor in the Postman. Yeah. When he just, with him and his donkey, keep performing Shakespeare. Yeah.

True, actually. Good point. Because in a post-apocalyptic. big world. Entertainment is important. Thank you for saying that. That's beautiful. Yeah.

So either way I think our jobs are safe. Yeah. Oh yeah, we'll be fine. In any economy. In any economy and all economies. I do love the idea of like a post-apocalypse. You know, like the classic scenario is people are like listening to the radio to hear

about other survivors, but we're just dominating the airwaves without bullshit. I'm like, I can't find a channel that's not this. Please. Still talking about hate. Yeah, survivors finally getting there, knocking on the studio doors. They're like, oh, finally, yeah.

So, you know, they don't have us more survivors? No. I don't know. No, no. There might be. I don't know. We've just been doing the podcast. No one wants to go meet them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, if you can remember my password, there might be some email. Yeah. If the internet's still working. Yeah, I haven't checked. Yeah. Well, yeah, look, I think, the end of the day. At the end of the day, you want to live in the ape world.

Yeah. You know, and that's, I think, a testament to what we're doing to apes in the human world. I think so. I think I'd rather be enslaved by the ape empire at the end of the day. Plus, in the ape empire, be outside. Yeah. Yeah, get some exercise. Exactly, dude.

Be fitter. You'd be in shape. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's the choice. Yeah. Look, after myself once in a life. Yeah, for God's sakes. And on that note,

I've been Jackson Bailey. I've been Joel Zammert. I've been Sammy, if people want to find you, where the hell are they going to go? Right now, I'm sitting in your studio. Come find me here and I'm wrestle me. You do not have much time. No, you can follow me on Sammy Peterson, unofficial, on Instagram and threads and TikTok.

I have two podcasts, not another crime podcast, and your two drunk aunties. Come, I'll have to have you guys on. I'd love to be on. And I have a live taping of my. stand-up show coming out on the Comedy Republic YouTube channel on the 26th of December. Incredible. Oh, my check. Merry Boxing Day, I think.

Yes, Merry Boxing Day, indeed, of course. Yeah. And to you as well. If you'd like to support us, Plummey the Datstar. God, I hope you would love to support us. You could just hit on Apple, you're at Apple, if you're at Apple, if you were really like you to support us. You hit that subscribe button. Yeah, on Apple.

She's just right there. She's just click the button. You'll be doing me a huge personal favor, dude, if you subscribe. Plus, you gain access to a free plumbing of the deaths on bonus plumbing the death tonight every month. An episode of what if, a podcast where we're going through. Add free content. Early-ish episodes. Yes, access to the Discord like Gustavo has so that you can suggest episodes like this.

Discounts on live show tickets. A fucking bunch of stuff. Jackson Bailey Spooks America. But yeah, but most importantly, be doing me a personal favor, and I'd consider us close friends if you did it. Close personal. I think I would describe you as my dear friend, if anybody, if anybody asks. If you tell anyone else and they might be, oh, this sounds like parissocial relationship.

You go wrong. Wrong. It's actually a very close personal friend. I'm in love with them when we're getting married. Yeah, there's nothing power about it. Jackson is my boyfriend. Okay. And he's not a big baby.

And he's not a big boy. He's a big boy. He's my boyfriend that I'm getting married to it. Yeah, yeah. You might think that he is a big baby, but no, no, no. He's a big baby. He's my boyfriend of seven years and he's yet to propose.

Or mate. I never met him. I've never seen him face to face but I have been dating him for seven years and I have in love with him. Nothing power about it. I won't be taking any further questions at this time. Good night and goodbye.

Thank you.