Plumbing the Death Star - Would Mary Poppins Be Good For Your Kids? (Ft. Cass)

Episode Date: March 22, 2020

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Sands Pants Radio, Australia's most procedurally generated podcast network. Hey everyone, we're running a listener survey for our network to work out what you'd like us to focus on. So, if you've ever wanted to say in the kind of things we do across the network, now's your chance. Thanks in advance and check the show notes for the link to the survey. Hey everybody and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like would mary poppins be good for your kids A spoonful of sugar. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Some M. Poppins.

M. Poppins. M. Pop. So first of all... Ms. Pop. Ms. Pop. Yep. Recall me. Did they know Mary Poppins come from the sky?

Here's my question, I guess. So we have two beautiful children. Yes. Two beautiful, pale British children. Jackson, Cass, and I fathered and mothered two beautiful children between the three of us. We did. It's biological.

We're not sure how it worked, but it did. But it did, and here we are. And we love our children, but they're a handful, and we've got to work at the bank or whatever. I have to go to the bank and... Do I have a wife? Yes, we all have a wife. No, really?

There's a wife in that film. I thought we were the husbands and wives. Yeah, me too, but I can't... Are we including the father and mother of the children from the film in our big polyamorous relationship? Because there's a husband and wife, there's a crotchety old dad and a mama. What does mama do? I think she just hates the kids.

No, she works as well, I'm fairly sure. How modern. I know. Let me find out. Mr Banks, that's the dad. Hang on, does he work at a bank or is his name Mr. Banks? I think he also works at a bank. That's lazy.

Yeah, that's lazy fucking writing. Tell me about this man, Banks. Mr. Bank, work at a bank. Just work with bank. George Banks. The easily distracted Glynnis Johns as Winifred Banks, the easily distracted wife of George Banks and the mother of Jane and Michael.

She's depicted as a member of Emmeline Pankhurst's Votes for Women suffragette movement. She's busy. She's busy. She's a good sort. She's a good sort. So we talked a lot of shit. So basically, I don't know if you remember, but the introduction you get to Mary Poppins is, it's very

windy. Mr. Banks has been like, bloody, I want a stern nanny to look after my shithead kids so he's like no nonsense nannies so then you get a lot of very stert which that's right they come to the to the door and also that's very on brand for us i hate my kids and i want them to suffer daddy shut up oh my god that's it bringannies. Can't you go sweep a chimney like all the other kids your age? Yeah, don't make me Oliver. Not Oliver Twist you.

The other one. Please, sir, I want some more. That's Oliver Twist. Oliver Twist you. Orphan you. I'll die. I'll jump off a fucking building. I'll do that right now.

You'll be an orphan and Fagin will make you a pickpocket. Does that sound fun? No, it sounds- Dad an orphan and Fagin will make you a pickpocket. Does that sound fun? No. Dad, who's Fagin? We're going to get you a stern nanny. Do the kids suck or are they just neglected? They're just neglected. Fine kids.

There's nothing wrong with them, really. He just, look, Mr. Banks believes in a firm hand, you know. But not one that he has to use. No, he's also lazy, so he needs a firm nanny. So a whole bunch of very sour-faced old ladies. Old crones. Old crones. The door.

Bring in the crones. Oh, Cass, JD, there's a whole bunch of old crones here. Why? Yeah, I ordered them in. We want the sourest lemon lady. Okay, Cass wants you in for some reason. Jackson, they're the nannies. What?

And then what happens is they're introduced and they all suck. Yeah. And then- Why do all these lemon women suck so hard? G'day, my name's Beatrice and I love hitting children and smoking darts. We'll have no darts smoking under this one. Fuck me dead. Next one's like, I'm Petunia.

I love making fruit darts and refusing to talk to children. Well, that's going to be a solution and a problem. A solution to my lack of fruit darts. And then finally I've got Joan. Yeah. I just hate children. I picked up this job because I hate kids. Who are all these women?

Nannies. Let her finish. Let her finish. Got a kid? I hate it. I think so. Hire me. Anyway, so then what happens in the film is a big gust of wind comes.

So, yeah. Where was she before? She was in space. Yeah, literally Mary Poppins comes from the sky. We remember that. But what we don't remember is the fact that the old women are blown away. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

This is clearly the superior nanny. That's my thinking. If I see one nanny bowl over the other nannies like bowling pins, that's the better nanny. Oh, she wants it more. She's thirsty. I mean, hungry. It's when someone cuts you off in traffic and you're like, they wanted it more. she's thirsty i mean hungry so when someone cuts you off in

traffic you're like they wanted it more they wanted that's not on me that's that's for them absolutely so then mary poppins comes in yeah the kids love her yeah she interviews quite well do they love her or do they just not know what to do with her i think that i feel like everyone doesn't know what to do with mary poppins yeah with. With them pops. Yeah, well, I think she's like, I'm stern, I'll be good with the kids. And, you know, we're out of nans at this point, so we might as well pick Mary Poppins. The kids know that she is magic straight off the bat. How do they figure that out?

We didn't figure that out. The children make a fake advertisement or a real advertisement. That's right, and they put it in the chimney. Well, Mr. Banks tears it up. She collects it using her dark magic. Yeah, her evil witch powers. And then she's like, here, I found this advertisement. I tore this up.

You're a witch. And he's like, I tore this up. I don't understand you, so I respect you. I fear trying to get further information about this. Welcome to my home. Yeah, Mr Banks is just like, I tore that up. Welcome to the job. Well, if she's good at repairing this,

then by God she's probably going to darn a good pair of socks. That's going to consume me. We're going to be lying in our big five-person bed. I'm going to be like, I tore up that right in front of the kids and I don't know how she did that. I don't know who she is, but let's let her with the children. Oh, that's that Play Games All Sorts song. Yeah.

How does that one? That's not one of the ones I can remember from Mary Poppins. It's the one because they write, it's like, if you want to be a man. That's right. That's a great song. There's one that's like, never be cross or cruel. Never give us foster oil or gruel.

What is foster oil? I don't know. I might not remember. Kids needed it back then. You're right. I watched it when I was young. Yeah. Okay. So.

Yes? That song's so cute. I just think the last line is a hurry nanny, many thanks. Jane and Michael Banks, they signed the letter in the song. Bless their sweethearts. I love our children. Yeah, I hate our husband and wife. Me too.

We shouldn't have married them. Jackson Banks, Joel Banks, Cass Banks, Mr. Banks and Mrs. Banks. Oh, and that's the thing as well, because when they're writing the letter, one of the things they have in there is playing games all sorts. And then as he's like, for whatever reason, he's furious. And he's like, oh, so you want someone who's kind? You play games all sorts. And he says that as he's tearing it up.

He kind of joins the song in unintentionally. Yeah. That's good. Do you reckon he'd be upset if he found out that they were singing a nice song and he accidentally joined in? i think he'd be cut he'd be cut yeah okay he's do we sleep in a separate bed to them like still all of us in a bed but like yeah of course yeah so it's a double bed they've got a queen size bed yeah with mr and mrs banks and we got a double bed and it's us three yeah sorry hang on yes i thought we were mr and mrs banks no oh yes well

we did too but then you confused us and added mr and mrs bank no well yes we did but then you confused us and added mr and mrs banks so we just rolled with it so now there's five of us but clearly we're having marital difficulties and we're sleeping in separate bedrooms now we're having marital success look how good we're doing we've got so many wives we've got one well me and jackson have two you've got one yeah but, me and Jackson have two. You've got one. Yeah, but Cass has three husbands. Yeah. I've, I've, Throsbens three. Yeah, Throsbens three.

That's a new song in this now. You get to sing a song called Throsbens three. Oh, feed the birds. Throsbens are back. Okay, so what are the games that Mary Poppins is playing with our children? Negging. She negs them. She negs them so hard right off the bat.

She gaslights and negs. Yeah, that's true. Let's assume, because there are songs sung in the house, let's assume we can overhear these. Okay. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. Also, Mary Poppins hires herself, but then gaslights Mr. Banks into thinking that he did it.

That's I would be convinced. Yeah, we'd all get tricked because she's confident. She's like, you hired me. I'd be like, oh, okay. I don't remember doing that, but okay. I thought I tore up this. I guess I didn't. Okay, you have the job.

Mysterious woman. So yeah. Live in my house. Sorry. Straight off the bat, cleans their room with magic. Spoonful of sugar. Spoonful of sugar. What do we think that song's about?

Well, I would take it as literal sugar, but it is the old time. So I don't know if sugar is bad for you. Oh, spoonful of sugar. Spoonful of sugar. What do we think that song's about? Well, I would take it as literal sugar, but it is the old times. So I don't know sugar is bad for you. Oh, that's true. I know sugar is something fun that we got from the colonies. I like to imagine that she's singing that song. I'm in the kitchen and I've got like a big tub of sugar that I'm eating with a spoon.

And I'm like, right, you are Mrs. Poppins. I like go to have a cup of tea. I'm like, can I have some of that? No!

I'm a nightmare with the sugar. You only need a spoon. You're going to get ants. Yeah, well, our house is full of ants. I just want one spoon. You can have a teaspoon of sugar. I'm eating the rest like cereal. So straight off the bat, you eating sugar like cereal is sad.

Yeah. So the kids, like, are these events going to be good for the children? They witness magic straight away. That's- Not to, like- Well, see, that's my main worry for these kids. Yeah. Because I don't think you can grow up normal if you witness magic as a child.

I think that seeing someone use, like, magic brooms and stuff, like, that's- That's a lesser kind of magic. Well, it's not as traumatizing that's a bit childhood wondery and as you grow up you just assume that it was just your brain being but the second thing she does is uh she uses her magic to transport the group into one of uh a fella's drawings yeah this is where dick van dyke comes in right yeah yeah but hello i've got the worst cockney accent anybody's ever had. That's crazy.

Get in me fucking drawing, right? Oi, Governor, get in me fucking drawing, yeah? Right you are. I'm in a one-man band. Welcome to the cartoon world. In cartoon world, I've got no soot on me whatsoever, but you know I'm filthy otherwise. There was an absurdly high amount of

testicular cancer sufferers amongst those that cleaned chimneys. Think about that next time you watch Mary Poppins. And don't forget to catch me, Dick Van Dyke, on the Dick Van Dyke show. Hoo-ha! I'm Al Pacino now.

We know. We like watching Mary Poppins go out to the park and just start talking to a drifter with her kids, and we're like, that's nice. No, we're not watching her do anything. We're going to work or staying in bed. Something else is happening. Mary Poppins takes the kids, and we're like, oh, thank fuck. Oh, my God.

I hate those kids. She also then, okay, they go into a drawing. They come out of the drawing. She fucks off with Bert. The kids are on a carousel. In the drawing realm? No. Daddy, daddy, I spent time in the drawing realm.

So I reckon, okay, with the spoonful of sugar one, I reckon Joel's spot on. So, like, I would say spoonful of sugar overall bad for the kids, but we don't know. We think it's good for the kids because we're, like, they're finally doing their chores. They're going to have their medicine because they eat sugar. We don't know we think it's good for the kids because we're like they're finally doing their chores they're gonna have their medicine because they eat sugar we don't know sugar's bad in reality sugar no good for you every time they have to do something bad if they're gonna be like oh i get to eat sugar yeah when we are old in our beds and our kids

have diabetes we'll think back to this moment but we don't know why we're old by that point but the the magic thing i I reckon, Drill Spot, I reckon it can go one of two ways. Either they grow up being like, no, magic exists, and dedicate their lives trying to find it. They become so obsessed because they're either at the age where they're like, oh, I live in a world with magic now. Magic sometimes happens.

I can't do it, but it'll happen. It's a reality. And they might wait for it, but then as they grow up, they're like, oh, she probably, probably you know it was probably my child right yeah she probably like did tricks or whatever but it got me to clean my room i'm glad she did it what a fun memory i'll just leave it as it is or they're old enough that they're like that curious age where they're obsessed with trying to find and recreate it so the memory stays really really strong yeah because that's see that's what i always think and and it's very true with the supercalifragilisticexpialidocious adventure in the cartoon

realm is that that will always be the peak of their life nothing you do will ever be better than going to a cartoon world and that's a big claim but it's just because that's you know traveling to an alternate it's like like, I don't know. I'm trying to think of another movie where kids go on a magical adventure. Bedknobs and broomsticks. Yeah, same thing. Those kids are... They're not traumatized, but they're ruined as people. You know?

Sorry, I apologize. Before I claimed that Bert and Mary fucked off and just left the kids. No, they all were still in the cartoon realm at that point. Okay, that's good. But something else crazy happens. Yeah, she created a pocket dimension for the children so it didn't really matter what she did the penguins can't hurt them yeah that's true but you can't die in cartoon realm no well maybe if you die in cartoon

realm you die in real life because there's a horse race no there's a fox hunt yeah which they rescue the fox from okay if it doesn't matter then why yeah imagine it? Unless Bert drew it. No, I reckon it's to teach the kids a lesson about helping those less fortunate. And then they have a horse race and Mary Poppins wins it. Yeah, well, that's because she likes- She's flexing on the kids. She always flexes on the kids.

When she takes their measurements- Oh, no, she gets there, she opens her magic Mary Poppins bag. Yeah. She takes lampposts and stuff out of it, and the kids are like, what? And they're, like, checking out of the table, like, oh, my God, this is amazing. So she's saying, like, hi, I'm powerful, respect me. Then she takes their measurements, negs them with their measurements,

and then they're like, well, what does yours say? And hers is practically perfect in every way, in nicer script. That's right. She, I don't know if I like this Mary Poppins. Hey, can we ever get in her bag? Like as we, the adults, like we're like, what's up with that bag? I'm climbing in.

Is she just like well-versed in creating pocket dimensions? I think that's like kind of Mary Poppins only power. Although later on, she goes and visits that fella and they go to the upside down house. If you'll recall. Tea on the ceiling? Tea on the ceiling, exactly. That's not Mary Poppins,

but perhaps that's just another wizard she knew. Maybe her only ability is creating pocket dimensions. Although, wasn't that one Dick Van Dyke made? Didn't he make the pocket dimension? He's made the drawing and then she jumped in. Yeah, she might be making the pocket dimension because the umbrella is what makes her fly. So that's just a magic item yeah that's true bag also magic yeah unless she's created a pocket dimension inside does mary poppins have any inherent powers she jumps in a fucking drawing yes actually no let's look at this because also

we just spoke about it jackson all right yeah that's right so yeah the bag could be magic dick van dyke could be a wizard. Yeah. So we're going to try and be like, yeah, so Mary Poppins could be magic, but no, that's crazy. What if everything else is actually magic? Because if we're going to go with that,

sure, I'm on board again. No, but like Mary Poppins just happened to find magic brooms in the bank's house and was like, this is lucky. Like she's a con woman. That's what's happening here. I reckon that's good. Teach the kids that you can't trust. Yeah, absolutely.

Your dad works for a bank. He wasn't going to tell you. If your kid came home and was like, I went into a pocket, like a cartoon realm, would you believe them? No, there's no way. Because you work at a bank. If you said Mary Poppins saved a fox from a fox hunt

and then we watched her race horses and she won. I would still not believe them. Oh, I'd assume they had an imagination game. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I guess what is magic if not imagination games turn real? Wait, is this whole movie all in the children's mind? They go to bed and wake up, so that's a lot. Maybe.

And also, if they imagine something that happens towards the end of the film, I'm concerned about our children. They've witnessed some dark things. The movie does take a turn. Wait, what's the dark turn? So remember that you get introduced to a character whose father died laughing himself to death at a joke. And then the kid ends up being like, oh man,

he's not actually a kid. He's like, makes peace with it because it's the only time he's ever seen his father happy. That's grim. If my child imagined that, I'm like, you man, he's not actually a kid, is like, makes peace with it because it's the only time he's ever seen his father happy. That's grim. If my child imagined that, I'm like, you're right that day. You got a knack for this. If our kid came home and said that,

I'd be like, I'm not angry. Yeah. But I'd be like, we need to revisit this in 10 years. I need to check in with you at a lot later time i think i would be like mary poppins made our kid goth and i'm not here for it she's out and now a quick word from our sponsors also plumbing is fine i guess but did you know that we produce at least eight other podcasts like maybe you wish we'd cut it with the superhero bullshit and instead take a long hard look at our feelings and also maybe you wish we'd cut up with the superhero bullshit and instead take a long, hard look at our feelings.

And also maybe you wish Joel Duescher and Jackson Bailey weren't around to distract everyone. Well, if this sounds like you, then why not head to sanspantsradio.com and search for Why Am I Sad, a mental health podcast that's far better than it has any right to be. At what point do you fire her? Have you fired her at any point? No? All right.

Well, we're not present for anything she does. I suppose. I suppose nothing untoward really has happened so far. And I think if they're coming home being like, oh, a man laughed himself to death, but at least he smiled, I'd be like That's weird to say. That's a weird thing to say but I don't have to deal with my children. Mr. Banks. Okay.

So the person who dies, I forgot. I remember that happened, but I couldn't remember the connections. Yeah. Mr. Banks tells his boss the joke and his boss is the one. Yeah. Mr. Banks tells his boss the joke, and his boss is the one who dies. Mr. Banks killed a man. What? With laughter. The bank manager.

Mr. Banks needs a Mary Poppins. That's intense. Is that why Mr. Banks is such a dour old goat? Because he's like, I'm too powerful. He cheers up later on after that happens. What? He kills a man and then feels good. So he tells a joke, the guy doesn't get it,

and then he mulls over it and then starts laughing and then flies away. And then you find out later that he died laughing. That's incredible. Now, what about the song about- We haven't even got there yet. Oh, yeah. Jeez Louise. So what's after Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

That's when we meet odd uncle Albert Who lives on the roof Floated up in the air because This is where the ending Comes into play at first as well Has floated up in the air because of his uncontrollable laughter They join him for a tea party on the ceiling And tell jokes

Hey in the tea party on the ceiling does the tea fall out No I think gravity is there? No, I think gravity is super reversed then. I think everything... That's good to know. Yeah, cool. I just needed to double check. That's all. Yeah. I know there's a song about a guy on the steps

of the bank. They see him in a snow globe. It's very sad. She says that's the bird lady, isn't it? I don't know. Maybe. Feed the birds, top and the bag. Ah, yes. Feed the birds, top and the bag. That's the next song. That's the bird lady, isn't it? Feed the birds, tuppence a bag. Ah, yes. Feed the birds, tuppence a bag. That's the next song. That's the next bit. Mr. Banks noticed that everyone's real happy in the house and he fucking hates

it. And he's like, Mary Poppins, I will fire you. That needs to be a house meeting. But, quote, she manipulates him into taking the children to his workplace, the bank, instead. Okay. Do we get to go? I guess. As the husbands and wife of Mr children to his workplace, the bank, instead. Okay. Do we get to go? I guess.

As the husbands and wife of Mr. Banks? Yeah, no, I reckon we do. What happens at the bank? I remember every part of this film except for the ones involving the dad. Yeah, they take the kids to meet Mr. Dawes Sr. and his son, Mr. Dawes Jr. Yeah. Mr. Dawes aggressively urges Michael, who I assume is Mr. Banks. No, Michael's one of the kids.

Jane and Michael Banks. You don't know your own children's names. Oh my god. That makes me sick. For some reason I had Jane and James in my head. That's a better name. We'll rename them. Yeah, we'll rename them. They're young enough that we can. Mr. Dawes is like, Michael, invest a tuppence in the bank and steals his coins.

Michael demands them back. Other customers overhear the conflict and they'll be demanding their money bank causing a bank run what do you think happens michael mr banks is like michael invest your tuppence i'm gonna be saying michael hide your tuppence in a sock under your bed you got any suggestions for michael um i think swallow it i think the tuppence does doesn't he keep it because he wants to give it to the bird lady? Yeah. So Mary Poppins, through negging and lies, has taught the kids to be kind to them.

Oh my God, is she nice? I thought she was mean the whole time. What, Mary Poppins? Yeah. No, she's just stern. She's stern, but she. She's strict. She's the definition of strict, but fair.

But she's strict. She's the definition of strict, but fair. But she's so, everything she teaches them is like, be friends with, because they're so wealthy. She's like, be friends with a chimney sweep. Do you know how to have the highest rate of testicular cancer among any group? And then Dick Van Dyke's in the back, oh, it's fucked, ain't it? It's true. It's something to do with the fact that the soot collects

in the folds of the testicle. It was a real problem during the Industrial Revolution. Look it up! When the internet's invented, it will become far easier for you to fact check this, but if you head to Wikipedia, presumably there is a

controversies tab under chimney sweeps and you'll have child abuse. But also testicular cancer. It was a real problem. Cancer was known as under chimney sweeps and he'll have child abuse. There he'll be. But also testicular cancer. It was the real problem. Cancer was known as the chimney sweeps illness for a while. Testicular cancer, that is. Thanks for listening. Testicles the size of grapefruits.

That's all I'm saying. Who has no life at all? Yes, Cass? Oh, no. I'm sorry. I was just enjoying that. I just realised, oh no, Cass, you're at work, you're not talking. You're having a nicer time.

So Michael fucks this bank. Yeah. Do you guys know what a bank run is? No. So, okay, in the older days basically if people thought a bank was going to close because it wasn't like a chain and stuff like that, everyone would withdraw their money. Oh yeah. Which, in the older days, basically, if people thought a bank was going to close because it wasn't like a chain and stuff like that, everyone would withdraw their money.

Oh, yeah. Which, if the bank wasn't going to close and they panic and do that, then all of a sudden the bank has no money, so then the bank does close because- Oh. Self-fulfilling prophecy. Yeah. Great depression.

So did they get their dad fired? Wow. Oh, my God. Mary Poppins. Oh, what? Oh, she's. Mary Poppins. Oh, what? Oh, she's. I like her. So he's like, you're going to get fired.

And she's like, I'm going to get fired. Maybe take your kids to the bank. And he's like, fine, I'll take my kids to the bank. And then she's like, yeah, I'm going to get fired. Your kids are going to ruin your job. Do you think Mary Poppins is trying to take down, like she's kind of like a, not a terrorist but like she's trying to take

down the bank from the inside worm your way into a wealthy family you know, like I don't know I'm sus of her now. Does she eat the rich? Does Mary Poppins say eat the rich? She's like magic is free, I have it I have all of it things like height are not

she's trying to dismantle like different class structures. So things like height she removes. But yeah, unfortunately, at the end of the film, due to the consequences of all of these actions, Mr. Banks gets hired back in a higher position. Okay. So she fucked up. Oh, but then she leaves.

Yeah. Mary Poppins cooked it. She's like, nah, I cooked it. Cooked it. Smell you later, kids. And then like 30 years later, she comes back anyway. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, she does.

Mary Poppins returns. She looks like Emily Blunt now. That's weird. So. Yes. So far. Is Mary Poppins good for our kids? At this point, no.

Also, bad for our kids, worse for us at this point. I'm going to say, as me, Cass, I'm like, worse for us at this point. I'm going to say, as me, Cass, I'm like, yes, Mary Poppins. Dismantle class from the inside. Absolutely. Remove all physical attributes. Save testicular cancer patients. Absolutely.

Feed the birds for a tuppence a bag. Don't invest. Spend your money on food. Burn the bank to the ground. But me as the parent, no. I live comfortably. Yeah, but is Mr. Banks bankrolling all of us? Like are we? Yeah, there must be.

Wow, how are we doing well? We had a big house, guys, like a big household. Yeah, he works for the bank. Yeah, I suppose he's wealthy enough to fund all of our lives. I suppose so. So we want to keep that. We want to keep that. Yeah, well, yeah, absolutely.

No, I just wasn't sure if we also had, like, careers. We're suffragettes, aren't we? Oh, yeah, okay, yeah. The four of us are suffragettes. That wasn't. No, no, no, the wife was. I just wasn't sure if we were. It's like our job.

Like, the wife I don't think works. I mean, like. She does really important work. It's just unpaid. Yeah, yeah, no, the wife was. I just wasn't sure if we were. It's like our job. Like the wife I don't think works. I mean like- She does really important work, it's just unpaid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, well, I'll be suffered, Jetson. Mr. Banks is funding our lifestyles. Well, not anymore. Not anymore, so sad.

So at this point you're probably like, oh yeah, there's heaps of the film to go or whatever. Heaps of Mary Poppins lessons. Yeah, that's it. I shook my head. There's a few things that happen, but it's not really Mary. Okay. So kids run away from the bank because it's basically a riot.

That's fair. They get lost in the East End, and then they run into Bert, the homeless man with the heart of gold and the balls full of testicular cancer, because he's now a chimney sweep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chim-chiminy, chim-chiminy, chim-chim-chiroo. Oh, yeah. And then he teaches the kids about the joy of chimney sweeping.

He's like, oh, you're unsafe, kids. Don't worry. Me and my friends will take care of you where chimney sweeps. Let me tell you about the cancer. Yeah. We get the highest rate of testicular cancer at the time. That's a great dance sequence. It's really good.

They're in and out of chimneys. Chim chimney, chim chimney, chim chim churro. They fall into the Banks house. House sells with soot. Mr. Banks, cut. Don't you know? That's dangerous. And then also he gets a phone call from his employers

and he remains cut. Yeah. He then talks to Bert. And this is important because I think that this is probably the only thing that needed. Mary Poppins is done. That's no good. No, the opposite. I think this is probably the only thing. Mary Poppins has done that's no good. No, the opposite.

I think this is probably the only positive thing that actually happens, which then results in the positive ending. Yeah. Minus the, you know, Bert's like, spend time with your children because they will not be children forever. They will grow up. That's true. That's great advice.

So, but that's not Mary Poppins. That's not M-Pops. No, it's not. It is not M-Pops. And then Michael gives his toppings to his dad in hopes of making amends. Oh. Oh, that's sweet. But, kid, that's not enough.

No, but then he knows, like, that's like a moment for the dad to be like, oh, no, you are recognizing what you think I value more than anything. That's true. You think this is really good and this will help me because it's money. Uh-oh. I like that we've just learned the lesson of Mary Poppins. We're like, is Mary Poppins good for our kids? And the film obviously establishes that yes.

And we're like, whoa, Mary Poppins is good for our kids. I still think no. She's good for the kids because she's good for the dad And she's like I guess that's Bert's job Mary Poppins has done nothing I am against her, I say we fire her before she leaves Well, Mr Banks then

Goes to the bank where he's given a cash Cashing? I don't know It's a word, it means like It's pretty much like A degradation ceremony What are they spanking? No It's more like

You fucked up And everyone's really Disappointed He gets a telling off Yeah And then he gets Dismissed Dismissed

He then says Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Kind of out of frustration Tells a joke And fucks off Yeah And then Is happy for some reason But then he gets his job again Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, kind of out of frustration, tells a joke and fucks off. Yeah. And then is happy for some reason.

But then he gets his job again at a better bank. No, so he said that to his boss. His boss is like, what the fuck was that joke? What are you saying? What? Oh, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Oh, that's pretty funny. I'm off to space. Hang on, does he get his good job

because he kills the person whose job he takes? Yes. That's a confusing lesson. He doesn't get that job, but the person he kills. It all shuffles up? Yes. Yeah, okay. Okay. But he was fired.

Yeah. Anyway. The person underneath him is like, oh, well, look, you killed him. I owe you one. Which is his son. Yeah, okay. That's confusing.

Wow. So Dawes Sr. dies. Daw dies doors junior hires mr banks as a junior executive wow that's a that is a wild ending to mary poppins do you ever hear things like that and you're just like i can't take a lesson from this i'm not going to it's not good if i try and think about this i refuse to learn from this film. Sometimes something happens and you just have to be like, I'm going to accept that it happens and I'm not exploring it. So it says the next day the wind changes, meaning Mary Poppins must leave.

She's only been there for like three days. Wow. That's a lot of damage. She killed a man. In three days. Indirectly. All right. So what are we going to...

And then Mr. Banks is found at his home, fixing his kid's kite, taking the family out to fly it. In the park, the Banks family meets Mr. Dawes Jr. who reveals that his father died laughing from a joke, although initially sorry. Oh, yes. Later he was like, no, you know what? Actually, I think it was fine.

I think I'm okay. Although initially sorry mr banks soon becomes happy for him since mr doors jr had never seen his father happier in his life mr banks is like you should be happy this is good my dad's dead yeah but he was laughing oh like someone's like i was like oh bro um you used to work for us yeah my dad died last night um it's like oh i'm sorry it's like yeah laughing at a joke um it's like oh oh i'm sorry oh no it's the happiest i've ever seen him and he's like you're welcome you know what i'm gonna do you want to hire me back on i actually i'm gonna recon like recontextualize recontextualize this imagine

you've been invited like you come home and your wife and a man are sitting on a couch and they both look upset. Yeah. And then your wife's like, I've been having an affair with this man. Oh my God. Hello, sir. Why did you bring him? Well, it's important because then you're like, what the fuck? And she's like, and then the man is like, I'm so sorry that I've been sleeping with your wife. But don't worry, because I have made her come more than she's ever come before.

So you should be happy. That's true. And then you're like, you know what? I am happy. Good for you guys. Good for her, you know? God bless. Have a good day.

Yeah. And then you just, you're like, there's rules. And then you leave happier. That's crazy. But like, no, do you know what it is? Yes. I'm excited for your recontextualization. So this is the, like, hi, I'm your wife.

Yeah. Hello, wife. I've been having an affair with this man. Oh, no. I've had more comes than I've ever had in my life. Okay. You are now rehired as husband. Yeah, that's true.

You're back. He's gone. Oh, he died like but okay wow wow mary poppins has a crazy ending and then with the work done mary poppins flies away burt bids her farewell telling her not to stay away too long so was she good for our kids i reckon she was good for the kids at the expense of everything else in the world. Like she saw a note that had been torn up by her father who's like, you will not have fun.

You will be under my rule of thumb even though I'm not actually going to be involved in your life. And she's like, that's fucked. No. Comes down and is like, I'm going to make your lives better, kid. She's like, hey, here's some magic. You can recontextualize the magic later. It's fine. Well, I'm just going to give you the nicest few days of your life

and then what's going to happen is your dad will come back into your life that will be of more meaning to you than anything i've done so i've given you like happiness and then like a really big burst of it like you have a five hour energy yeah and then you just get like then you have a cup of tea every single day for the rest of your life i feel like she's done good for our kids, but she's left just terrible. In her wake, she's left a lot more trauma. Oh, yeah.

If the question is just was it good for the kids, yes. You can't ask any other questions. It's a yes, but, and the but makes the yes or no. The but is big. She thick. Thick, but. Yeah. I would say that is good for the father

and the good for the father and children relationship. Has a trickle down effect on the kids. But, in this situation, the kids' parents are us, and that can't be good for the children. You're so right, that's so upsetting. Also, yeah, so yeah, sure,

Mr. Dawes Sr. dies. What about everyone else that worked at the bank? Yeah, absolutely. The bank's still in a lot of trouble. Oh, yeah, they had the bank run. I think it's crazy as well. So because we are also the parents of these children, Mary Poppins has solved one parent's problem.

Hey, you didn't make us love our kids more again. Yeah, I still hate my kids. Hey, the suffrage movement's still happening. You didn't fix that. You didn't solve Dick Van Dyke's ball cancer, Mary Poppins. My balls are so fucking big. What accent am I even fucking doing in here? My balls.

Mamma mia. They're the size of mama's grapefruit. What am I even saying? I'm Dick Van Dyke. Catch me on HBO or whatever. Is he still alive? Yeah, he was in Mary Poppins Returns. Is he still playing Birch?

Yeah. He played a bank man. I don't know. He played the bank. I'm going for a run. Dick, don't do that. You're old now. Mary Poppins did one fifth of the job.

And left. Bad for the kids. And on that note, I've been Jackson Bailey. I've been Joel Dusha. I've been Cass. Goodbye. Goodbye. A spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go round. Thanks for listening and if you want to follow us on Twitter you can find us at Sandspants Radio

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