Plumbing the Death Star - Would You Downsize?

Episode Date: June 17, 2018

In which our heroes ask the hard hitting question; Would You Downsize?Join our brand new facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Jackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadDuscher: twitter.com/dusch13Zammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammitTheme music by the wonderfully talented Benny Davis! You can find all his stuff at his website bennydavismusic.com or check out his YouTube youtube.com/bennythejukebox Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hey everyone. Oh no. Before we get into today's show, Joel and I have a special announcement for you. Yes, we're coming at London, UK, and other cities. And we've said all of this before, but the best news now is that the London date is 100% confirmed and on sale right now. It sure is. What's that date, douche-o? That's a great question, Joel Zammett.

That's cool. You keep vamping because I'm scrolling down some pages. Oh, okay, cool. It's Thursday the somethingth of September. I scrolled too far down. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's definitely in September, I know that much. And it's a Thursday. It sure is because it's part of the podcast festival in London.

Hosted by King's Place. It sure is. It's the 13th of September. I was almost going to get mad with myself and be like, did I actually put it on the website? I did, because I'm a smart boy. So speaking of our website, tickets are available through www.sanspantsradio.com

forward slash live, or you can head to the King's Place website and buy the tickets directly from there. Yes, that's kingsplace.co.uk. We'll see you soon, London, and everyone else that's in the UK. All of our dates are now on sale, so please head to sanspenseradio.com forward slash live

and buy your tickets really soon because so many of the shows are almost sold out now. Yes, and just a couple of things to note. One of our Edinburgh shows, apparently there was a bit of a muck-up with the ticketing system and it was saying it was completely sold out when there's actually still a few tickets left

so if you had trouble buying your tickets now would be the perfect time to go to get them as much as it probably sounds like this is something we fucked up we don't know also the London podcast first time

is now 7 o'clock not at 9.30 as it was originally stated in the program things have changed and moved around which is perfect because now that we're performing at 7pm we've got plenty of time to do a meet and greet afterwards so if you're in London and you want to see Plumbing the Death Star live, do this in front of

an audience and then meet us afterwards to tell us about how wrong we were or how much we insulted something you like now you can and yeah now this just head to samspansradio.com slash life this long-winded ad is now over enjoy the rest of the episode hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of plumbing the death star where we ask the important questions like, would you downsize? Jackson? Would I downsize?

No. I just want to start the episode by saying, yes, I would. I would like to start the episode saying, no, I wouldn't. Oh, it has been one of my dreams to live in my friend's pockets. All right, so you've got two yeses and a no. Now, what is downsizing? So, hands up, who's seen downsizing? Good choice of getting us to do something that... The people would hear a poof as your hair had passed the microphone.

Well, nobody's put their hand over i'm the only one who's seen downsizing an insane movie that we should be talking about so downsizing might seem like the greatest idea being small for no reason or benefit to myself is something that deeply deeply in the film they say that if you go tiny or you go small is the parlance then you're doing it to help the environment go small yeah it's like oh i heard that the johnsons went small surely people are like oh you're the guy that went small well they probably don't say that because he's he's pointing at the ground you're the guy that went small and it's like it's like a thing that a

couple will do sure there's a better word you can come up with than go small? Hey, you took a shrunk-um, Sniper. Get small. Isn't that a thing? You got shrunk? You got smart. No, so you do it to save the environment because now your, I guess, carbon footprint is... Well, and also, whatever money you have now gets translated into little dollars.

So how big dollars become little dollars. Yeah, so everybody has, at the moment, regular-sized dollars. Big dollars So everybody has at the moment Regular sized dollars Big dollars would be if we got big And that would be bad for the economy And your money would be worthless Excuse me sir Thank you so much for volunteering for our get big program

So I'll translate your Regular sized money into big dollars And this $20 note is now worth 4 cents Would you like to be destitute and huge? That's what upsizing is all about. It's always been my dream to be

a big boy and a poor boy. Get big, get broke. Big and poor. What you'd do is you'd wait for everyone else to get small, get big, stomp on the machine. That's true. Stomp on the machine? No, then you're destined to be lonely.

You'd be able to only get bigged. You can marry several little regular people that live on your body like monkeys in a tree. So bigamy laws don't apply? No, because you get huge in me. No laws apply if you're big, Zammett. Zammett, can you fit in a courthouse? No, then you can't be charged with anything.

Anyway, so... All right, so, okay, we're all lined up. We're at the In Smallment camp. Wait, hang on. Wait, wait. Do you think a monkey can marry a tree? That was a bad example. I think many monkeys are in a way married to a tree.

I think you're wrong. Did he just say, can a monkey marry a tree? Yeah, he said he was like, you can marry all of the regular-sized human people on your body, much like monkey marry a tree? Yeah, he said, he was like, you can marry all of the regular sized human people on your body, much like monkeys in a tree. Sorry, what Jack? Like the monkeys, they're like It was more of a living situation

analogy. They weren't really married to it, because no monkey's married to any other monkey. Yeah. Monkeys wed no man. There's just no wedding. No man, beast or tree. All monkeys are living in sin. Yeah, they are. They have yet to find Jesus.

That's why God's like, only humans. They can wed. Monkeys, a sinful beast. Anyway, so you're all lined up at the ensmalment camp, which is just kind of like an office, and it's around the outside of the big dome, which is where Littletown is. Is there ads for this?

Yeah. It's all over the thing. Get little. Okay, everyone's telling me to get little. What are the benefits? Shrink up, bitch. Yep. Okay.

That's a much better phrase. Shrink up. So the benefits are that you will- I'm sitting down, I'm watching the news or whatever. Hi, I'm Jackson Bailey. I didn't invent the shrink up technology, but I'm advertising it. If you get small, you will

be helping the environment. Carbon footprint not as heavy. You'll be rich. Look at your piece of shithouse. Hey, it's alright. What the hell's the name of the guy? Matt Damon? No. Christoph Waltz. No, shut up. Fuck. The guy who was in The Glorious Bastards?

Do you want me to leave? Jeffrey Rush. The intelligent Mr. Ripley. I'll let you guys The Glorious Bastards Do you want me to leave? Geoffrey Geoffrey Rush Mr Ripley I'll let you guys carry on Who else is in downsizing? Jim Carrey Is Jim Carrey in downsizing? He's not

I didn't know he was in that Ben Kinsley? No Sir Ben Kinsley I'm sorry No it's not a Ben It's the guy who was in a series of unfortunate events As Count Olaf

What's his name? Neil Patrick Harris Magician boy name? Neil Patrick Harris. Magician boy. I'm Neil Patrick Harris, and I'm like, look at this big house I live in, and we can open up like a dollhouse. You could live in a house like this even if you're dirt shit poor in big world, regular world.

So how does the little world economy work? Well, it's just cheaper to eat a bit of a grape than a bunch of grapes. I understand that, but I guess rotting still applies. Well, it's just cheaper to eat a bit of a grape than a bunch of grapes. I understand that, but I guess rotting still applies. Yeah. It doesn't matter. Fuck, that's a good slogan.

It's just like, save big, get small. Asterix, rotting still applies. So you'd pretty much have to be, to make it sustainable, because if you're eating a bit of a grape, how small are the people?

How small are the people? They're like about yay high, about, I don't know what that would be in inches. Like two inches? Two inches. Bigger than an iPhone. About as big as an iPhone, honestly. Maybe a little bit smaller.

You'd have to take your shoes off to call someone. Why? Because you'd have to jump on the screen, but it wouldn't go through rubber. Well, here's the thing. When you enter Little World, which I think is called Wonder Town USA. No, it's not called that, but it's like that. When you enter Little World, you kind of get everything that you have now. How?

They shrink it with the same technology. Oh, so they shrink. No, that's not true. They can only shrink organic things. So, okay. So they just make little iPhones. How? I don't know. I'm just advertising it.

I don't work now. Because clearly, i'm just advertising it i don't know how because clearly i mean yes you are now little and you can do like little things but surely like a processor that i'm using in my iphone if you even if that was a smaller size surely it wouldn't be processing as as well as it currently is maybe they're a piece of surely there is a size component to be honest i can't remember a moment where somebody uses an iPhone. What about a kettle? A toaster? There's little kettles.

How? That's just little kettle, little water. I mean, because again, it's... They don't have to heat up as much water, though. They don't have to be as powerful. That's another problem of living in Little World is that showers are really hot. How? I don't know. Why?

They're just scalding hot. They just say that they are in the movie. No, but also, is that to do with- Use cold water. What? No, is that to do with size? Is it when you're little, everything is hot? They just say-

That's not a problem ants have. When they drop off bald Matt Damon at his new house, the guy in the taxi is like, hey, here's a couple of fucking pointers that I put in the brochure. Drinking milk's weird for the first month. Something to do with bacteria, which I guess at this point is fucking huge. And also the showers are really hot. Have a good one, then it goes.

So bacteria is now a big problem. Mosquitoes are a huge problem. A huge problem. Mosquitoes aren't an issue because you're in a net. I'm sure that netting has stopped every single 100% of the time mosquitoes going through.

What about a rat chews through it? What about a fire? The gnat is in a facility, so I'm assuming that a fire is probably your biggest risk. Wait, a facility? This is voyeurism at its most voyeuristic. People are watching. It's weird. You can open my house. That's fine.

I think only Neil Patrick Harris' house could open. It was a display thing. A display home. And in the display thing, Neil Patrick Harris' wife is in the bath, and she's like, oh, I went shopping. And he's like, oh, no. And she's like, I bought some diamonds. And he's like, oh, dear.

And everyone's like, ho, ho, ho. And he's like, how much have you cost me? And she's like, well, for like how much have you cost me and she's like well for the diamond earrings and the diamond necklace only 500 and he's like oh well because everything's cheap in little world but surely diamonds are still diamonds i mean but it's a bit of a diamond it's a tiny bit of a diamond and you're also fracturing it and so it's no longer... It's like diamonds are... A girl's best friend. We know. I've heard the song.

Do you know what else diamonds are? Forever. Remember the song. Oh, they're forever. So how you value a diamond is generally like size, clarity, and shape and all that kind of jazz. You're getting a big diamond and making it tiny. You're basically a speck. Why is it worth 500? You're getting ripped big diamond and making it tiny you're basically a speck why is it worth

500 you're getting ripped off yeah that is when i thought you were going to be like oh it's 20 dollars i think it was about 500 that's so much for a speck because those would come off because when you're carving and shaping an actual diamond yeah the bits that come off you could hand to tiny man yeah like yay hi jackson i'd just like to uh introduce you to something this, the bits that come off. You could hand to Tiny Man. Hi Jackson, I'd just like to introduce you to something. This is the hill that Cass and Joel Zemmert will happily die on. The diamond value hill. A hundred percent. I'm just like, a lot

of this stuff I'm happy to die on. Because I'm just like, how do you make kettles? Like, surely there's a component that's just when you're that... Because it's like, surely at that because it's like surely at that point a fire, a tiny little fire, because there's little

tiny mechanical bits involved in electronics surely that you can't get that time no no no, it's not even that as an issue what would happen is certain things when you make them smaller actually would increase their value rather than decrease them, things like if you make an iPhone that a small person can use,

they have to invent new technology that would work that small. Yeah. That should actually, in theory, be more expensive. Yeah, surely. Hi, I'm Joel Douche. I'm dying on the electronics get too little, therefore more expensive. Well, maybe it's like...

Sure, you can get base elements, yes. However, the electronics surely can't work. Maybe it's like... So, obviously we can't shrink an iPhone, but we can give you the raw materials as a tiny person. That's what I'm saying. I understand, you can give us the raw materials, but then to make something that small is a problem, yeah?

Like, to have like... Okay, crack open an iPhone. Alright. There's all a problem, yeah? Like, to have, like... Okay, crack open an iPhone. All right. There's all these components, right? Yeah. Because the idea is that all these things are doing something. And the reason we're, like, you know, a lot of our phones and everything like that is getting smaller and smaller. But, like, we still need certain amount of space to do all the processing.

And I'm not an engineer. I want to make that very clear though if i'm using the same raw materials just at a smaller level proportionately i still have the same amount of space it just is so for regular size for me just not for the big me but what's fucked about that is that means that there are still sweatshirts yeah again i don't think it's a proportional thing. Because again, I have a process of like, what is a number? A thousand? Let's go with that.

I see what you mean. That is a number. So for the amount of electricity, like electricity is electricity, so not so much can flow through the things. That's what you're saying. So you make everything smaller, but it has to be less powerful. It's not going to work as well? That, but also like a processor surely has to have a certain amount of limited space yeah yeah and so for example like

um like intel inside pentium that's a thing yes yeah probably yeah the the blue men group um like that processor is like look at this it's really's really tiny. It's real small, but it's still the size of, say, a tiny man's torso. Yeah. So you're going to have to put that in an iPhone or a computer, and that's going to be a very large part of it. But. Wait. Also, pixels on a screen.

No. Yes. Yes, Cass? If you make it smaller than proportionately, it doesn't have to go as far. If you're making a tiny call to someone else, it's not the same physical distance. So it could be less powerful. So I can't connect to the big people internet?

No, you're on the little people time now. Let me just blow this wide open. So yeah, it makes absolutely no sense that, like, technology could get this small. Except they shrink people, so clearly they have shrinking technology. They can only shrink organic things.

Oh! Dogs! Do they bring the pets? Yeah, you can bring your pets. That's rude! That is rude. They don't fucking know. I have no idea!

At one point, Matt Damon gets a regular-sized rose, though. Okay. Which surely comes with its own problems. Yes. But you just can. There's a big flower store

opens down the street. Another problem I'm having is like with pixels, right? So you get a screen. So we have a certain level of pixels in the resolution, right? Yeah. Surely now that they're smaller and tiny,

so like I am an iPhone size, so an iPhone needs to be the size of something very tiny. The screen resolution is going to be terrible. To be honest, I don't remember any of them ever actually having iPhones. Do they have TV? I don't know. Yeah, they do. Because that resolution on that television surely can't be any good.

But it's crystal clear, Zaman. Yeah. I don't know. I don't claim to understand. Well, in that case, they've already made leaps forward In technology enough to shrink people I see what you're just saying So surely they're up to 8k by then

I don't claim to understand Tiny technology salmon I can only give you what I know from watching The movie Downside I'm just mad at it Because there's clearly There's a lot of stuff that goes involved in shrinking a person that weak and why are they

they shouldn't be having the same lifestyle they have in the real world they have a better lifestyle than we do doesn't make fucking sense who's building them because it's like are they getting big people to make a giant dollhouse or are they shrinking construction workers to build I think the big people make the

little house because the idea is that you live in luxury. But there are people who live in the slums, but they only... Okay, I don't want to know about the slums because that's just going to open up more cans of worms for me. So, Hacker, how are the buildings built? Are they brick and mortar? So, they have tiny little bricks or like one,

like several big bricks? I think... Are they designed for a little person? Yes. Why? Surely that's harder for a big person to do. Because if you feel weird, I guess if you're a little person living in a house designed for a big person. For example, if I'm a little person and someone got like eight bricks and made that into a house, surely that's structurally better.

What a gross looking house. Whatever. But surely that's structurally better and easier to make than making, say, 10,000 tiny fucking bricks. You're the company that is designing Little World. Yeah. And you want people to give you money. Are you going to be like, hey, living is a piece of shit, six bricks, but be small? Or, well, I'm trying to save money, so I'm going to make this six fucking bricks, but I'm going to paint it and make it look like it's more than that.

Surely that's easier and better. I say 3D printing than veneer. Maybe they did. At no point in the film downsizing did someone step aside and be like, hey, just real quick, fuck the story. I'm going to explain to you how we build houses in iPhones. Well, they fucking should because I have beeves. So, again, when-

I'd just like to take this opportunity to note that I'm still firmly into the idea of getting little for no particular reason. You have to have dentures. I have to have dentures? Okay. What? Hang on. You have to have dentures and- No.

What? All right. So, first off- I think they might take your fingernails as well. Okay. Hang on. Let's just back up a bit. So, they're selling us being like, the benefits are you're going to be rich.

Yeah. And good for the environment. Yeah. Those are the only two things. Basically. That's it. Yeah. Okay.

That's really not selling me. Seems good to me. Any wacky adventures I can go on? No. You just live like your regular life. Hang on. I live my regular life. So all the benefits of being small, like going down a drain, fighting a rat.

Absolutely. You don't have them. Imagine if I was like to you, Zamit, would you like to live a rich guy life? That's basically all you're saying. Yeah, but you get to be rich now. You can live like a millionaire right now. You just won't ever be able to see your family again. Plus smug about the environment.

Yeah, plus you're not even just doing it as a bit of fun. You're doing it for a good reason. So really, it's not about being small. It's about being rich. No, it you're doing you're not even just doing it as a bit of fun, you're doing it for a good reason. So really, it's not about being small, it's about being rich. No, it's never about being small. Unless you're Christoph Waltz. He just loves to be small. Well, no, because see, the reason Christoph Waltz is very rich in Little World

is because nobody pays attention if a tiny bit of cocaine gets into Little World. And Christoph Waltz smuggles those little bits of cocaine. Because one tiny granule of coke Is heaps of coke In Little World And no one's paying attention to one tiny granule of coke

So Christoph Waltz just smuggles it in Also luxury things like caviar That you can't get in Little World You can't get certain foods in Little World You can't get caviar? Why? But you can shrink organic material, Jackson Yeah, well, you know. Also, okay,

so it's less about being small. It's not about being small. It's now being somewhat rich but confined to an area so I have no choice. Yeah. Want to live in a cult? Oh, you can go

to different countries. You just go to the Little World in that country. It would take so long. How long is that going to take us? You can leave but you leave into the Big World,

obviously, and it's like a brief thing. I think you have to bring your own chair as well. What? One of Matt Damon's friends goes to Matt Damon's house, and he's little, and Matt Damon puts up a little chair for him, and he has a little bit of wine, and he has to travel by bus to get there.

The buses have, like, hamster cages in them that the little people- Oh, so it's not like a little bus? No, that would be insane. It would take a long time to get in. That makes more sense. When you're going along in a bus as a little person, surely that must be going exceptionally fast for you. You would imagine.

But everyone seems quite comfortable. I would imagine it wouldn't be. I would imagine you'd be being fairly dizzy. Matt Damon, when he's heading to Little World to get shrunk, he looks and there's an old woman who has been shrunk and is presumably coming back from visiting family and she gives him a pleasant wave.

So it seems like they're doing all right. Okay, so it's... So you can actually leave whenever. You're in this, like, small place. You can no longer really partake in big world problems. No, because you're too little. But you could leave. Like, if you're too little. But you could leave. Like, if you wanted to, you could be like,

I'm just gonna fucking go and be a tiny person living on the street like a mouse. By ants or some shit. You shouldn't have shrunk yourself in the first place. Can you untrink yourself? No, it's permanent. Okay. Because the premise of downsizing, spoiler rules,

is that Matt Damon shrinks himself, but his wife doesn't they're gonna do it together but then he gets into little world and he's like where's my wife and she calls him and she's like I'm so sorry and she's got one eyebrow shaved and her head shaved cause you have to shave your hair okay so apart from the benefits of just being rich

what's the process like so you arrive and that woman that used to be on Reno 911 is like hey let's talk. You know what? Well, I'm up for this process. So you can be every person that I interact with whilst I'm getting small.

Hey. Hi, I'm Joel Dusha. Sorry. No, it's all right. Sometimes I speak first. Sometimes you speak first. I get it. This is your job.

That's fine. Yeah, that's okay. Anyway. Don't tell my manager that was Reno 911. I miss working on Reno 911. My character was never super interesting, but I was an integral part. That's good. Carry on.

Hi, I'm Joel Duescher. I'd like to get little. Okay, that's cool. How much money do you have in your bank? Today's payday, so let's say like 500 bucks. All right, so do you own your house? No, I rent. Do you own a car? Yes. Okay, so if you liquidate your car and your house? No, I rent. Do you own a car?

Yes. Okay, so if you liquidate your car and your house, let's call that... I don't own my house, but I would love to liquidate it. Hell yeah. Let's call that what you have now. You can enter our tier five program. I think there were five tiers.

That is the lowest tier, but you still have $1 million in Little World. How do I earn money in Little World? Well, you can get a little job. Does that pay in big people dollars? No, it pays in little people dollars. Can I have a quick question? Sorry to interject here.

Who's this guy? I don't know. Security. You have a tier system. This is this guy that came in complaining about phones before. I'm sorry, sir. We have a problem here. All right.

Yes, sorry. Cass, hi. Hey, look, you've got a tier system, right? So surely you have people entering this world being like, I want to be rich so I can go in there. But then what if you're already rich in the real world? Then you become mega rich in tiny world? Aren't you just creating the same problems?

Mega little rich. You don't need to. Yeah, please. No, I'm sorry. I'll escort him out. Okay, come with me. Now, what I want you to know... That's our secret.

Surely you're still having the same... Yes, well, that's because the rich are on other things to do. They've got to be smug. Okay, I'll have to go. Have a good night. Get him on the street. Good night! There's surely going to be the same amount of socioeconomic problems

that our world faces if you're having this giant divide between the rich and the poor. And even though you're poor, although you're called rich, you're having this giant divide between the rich and the poor. And even though you're poor or you're called rich, you're still poor in comparison to the mega rich. Well, that's because the rich don't get tiny because they don't need to. Because they're already rich. What if they want to?

To be smug! That's on them. Then they're just very rich with nothing to do. Anyway, sir, I'm so sorry about that. That's okay. So if you liquidate the house you're renting and your car. Yes. Yeah, well, you probably have a million dollars,

and then you can get a job in there to supplement your income. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So what's roughly the exchange rate? If I'm looking to enter in on a higher than level five tier system. Let's call it $1 is $100. I'm interested in how you got a million dollars based on my financial situation.

Let's say $1 is $1,000. Well, if that's the case, I'm interested to see how you got my financial situation. Can you trade? I'm just working on Reno. They go up and down. I'm sorry to interrupt. Hi, thank you.

It's a fray for all, apparently. I just wanted to know if I can retain my... Excuse me. I would just like to know if once I go little, I can still retain my big person stock profile.

Yeah, I imagine you can. Sell your stocks! Be richer! And your big money will eventually be translated into small money for you to live on. Are you a spy? Why are you getting upset about a good answer to your own question? I'm trying to downsize here. Well, because you could just

go into Little Land. Yeah. Oh my God, Sam, it's right. The economy will be ruined in a week i know because you can go hey where are all these people get back i'm sorry sir we're gonna have to ask you to leave ma'am ma'am you're fine thank you so you're causing a scene i don't need to get a lock on my office door this is fucked anyway stock Anyway, stock lady, who are you? I run the stocks. Well, then why would you want to get little?

Because, well, because. You actually get less benefits if you're rich and little. Right now you can get caviar. In little world, you can't. Is this just a way for the rich to like fuck off for the poor and the middle class? This is what this feels like. There is going to be such a divide. The poor will be the littles, the rich will be the big the poor and the middle class this is what this feels like there is going to be such a divide the poor will be the little

the rich will be the big someone's gonna stomp shrink the poor shrink the poor fucking twist-a-rama ladies and gentlemen that may be the thesis of the movie shrink the poor that even though we're little fuck the same

problems still exist thus the slums anyway so I'm so sorry that had to happen to you wait so the point of me getting small is nothing no you'll still be rich oh but there was some mention of you

you were just yelling to like hang on does my life who are you? Does my heart at the window bang it in? Does your lifespan decrease? Because I know when you're little it does. Get out of here! I hate this office.

Yeah, it's busy. Is there another room? Nah, they're all taken. Sorry. Crawling the vents. You'll still be earning the same You'll be very rich, you'll live a very comfortable life in Little World Why is there slums?

I heard you yelling something about slums Look, sometimes we get So sometimes governments Not ours Shrink political dissidents Or enemies of the state As a punishment And occasionally they worm their way into Little World.

But they live in the slums outside the dome. You've got to get there by bus. So Little Land is also- I think the houses they live in are converted trailers. So wait, hang on. So Little Land is also- Just a second. Yeah, come in.

Hello. Yeah, what's up? I just want to know, on my trips outside of the dome... Oh, sorry, can I just... Wait, where are you from? I'm from the little place. Okay, so you're little, I see. I just want to know how much it will cost me to travel

because I feel like there's not really a way for me to win out on the pricing of a plane ticket. Because you're smaller, we can send more of you in one seat. So it is cheaper. So with air pressure and that, how does it... I'm in the vents calling out. So with air pressure and like... This fucking guy!

Oh my God, he's tied him up. How does that work? I mean, surely, because you can... If a rat gets on a plane, rat's fine. Yeah, rat's okay. Rat doesn't pop or anything. I'm a vertical rat. Anyway, so there are slums, but you won't be in them.

In fact, the people working in the slums will clean your house. I'll see myself out. Goodbye. It was nice to meet you. So, hang on, you've got people in the slums working and doing the jobs that you don't want to do? Yeah. For fuck's sake.

I think he tied up security. I'm not allowed to leave my desk. I've been tapping the panic button pretty much this whole conversation. The whole conversation? It's just a nervous twitch. A lot of people burst in to yell about the company. Anyway, sir, you will be rich. But first we're going to take you to the facility.

Excuse me. Fucking God. I've just got a question. I was just walking past and just overheard something about enemies of the state being shrunk as a punishment for living in the slums, which are located near my house. Just saying we'll be rich, but potentially a target for enemies of the state. They live quite far away from...

To find far. A bus, a long, maybe a two-hour bus trip. Look, hey, I was thinking about getting small, but two hours is not that far. Find you I was living near a political terrorist or something. They're not all political dissidents, just some of them are. The rest are people that... But they're the people you're hiring to clean your house,

and I'm assuming... Only that one woman was a political dissident. She was smuggled in a TV box. It was on you. Okay, so apart from that one person who's a political dissident, who else is in slums? Just the poor. How are they poor if the fucking big dollars are worth billions in Little World?

Well, imagine, as in the case of Matt Damon. Yes. You come here with your money and then, oh no, you are divorced by your wife. And you lose half of your money and you can no longer afford to live in your fancy mansion and you have to move into an apartment. But imagine you came in in an apartment and then you were divorced and now you've got to live in the slums. Well, surely that is a giant

problem. Is downsizing a metaphor for what's literally happening? Absolutely! The thesis of the movie! So we've got a guy who's downsizing like getting small. Yes!

Oh my god! He was married and then he got a divorce. Now he's like moving from a big house to a smaller house he got a lot of his things he got rid of them yeah what's a good way to describe that well you could say he was downsizing my god what if your size was going down but he was sized what if whilst he matt damon was going through some things in his life that meant that he was downsizing, whilst at the same time... Physically. Downsizing. What a great concept. We've come up with the greatest movie.

We are clever. I like to imagine that the pitch for the film, at that, they were just like, my God. And they're like, we need to tell someone. This is incredible. Fox executives just sitting in the office being like, yeah, we should probably renew the Simpsons or some shit. What's Family Guy up to? Do we own them?

Probably renew them. Burst through the doors. Sir, I've got a great idea. Are you familiar with the world famous actor Matt Damon? Yes. Him downsizing. Oh, you mean like divorce? Yes. Whilst downsizing Oh you mean like divorce Yes

Whilst Downsizing Physically I like to imagine he's got a little mock up of Matt Damon Made out of like an eraser with toothpicks Like this See how he's small Not a model

Actual size Okay So will you sign here sir to downsize Apart from all our like Problems What's the process of getting downsized Before you talk about getting shaved And losing your teeth or some shit

I would love to know about the shaving and teeth losing Sorry I brought all of my friends So let's talk Hi welcome to downsizing I'm a new person who is some reason fine with this concept and understands it all and i'm happy to be downsized what are the physical things i don't have to do it's pretty simple pretty easy first thing we do is shave your only organic material your hair's dead can't come with you you can regrow it when you get

little i'm pretty sure hair is organic that doesn't't make any sense anyway. It's dead. It'll stay big. Can I opt to keep my big hair? No. The follicles, the hair will stay the same size, but your scalp won't, and you'll explode. Oh. How did you find this out? I fucking failed tests on rats and them people.

Whoa. Why teeth? So teeth also will stay big. So they'll just grow in your mouth. Look, I don't claim to understand the science. What if I have a pacemaker? They've got nerves in them. They're alive.

Yeah, well, it's easier with dentures, tell you what. Does that mean bones? No, bones are okay. How? Why are bones okay but not teeth? Again, I don't claim to understand the science of it, but bones are fine. Next.

What if I have a pacemaker? Well, you can't do it. You'll die. We also have to give you a pretty hectic enema beforehand otherwise you'll explode in a shower of shit. How hectic are we talking? We need everything out of there. Even the smallest granule and you will

die. Is that even possible? Well, we managed. But you do have to sign this waiver saying there is a chance you will get injured or die. Right. That we don't accept any culpability or responsibility for it. I mean, it is your fault. Well, you shouldn't have done it.

If you have a secret shit inside you, you've got to let us know. So if you've got a pacemaker and you haven't told us. I'm assuming there's a fasting period as well. Yeah, absolutely. All right, what about saliva? Saliva's fine. How? Why is that fine? What about mucus

membranes in my body? The water in your body. Nothing we can do about that. You gotta dry out first as much as possible, but it's just paramount we get... So you have to go to a sauna? It's just paramount we get the shit out of you. Why shit and not say sweat? Look, I couldn't tell you. Shit's more physical. It's more solid, I guess. What about saying

I have a giant pimple on my head? Yeah. Right? It's big. It's full of pus pus and I don't want to pop it. Yeah. Well, that's on you. Then we shrink you and you die because your pimple stays the same size. But does it stay the same size? The pus will. No.

Because I've got pretty bad, like, you know, body acne and I've got, like, little tiny little bumps everywhere. What happens there? Well, again, you signed the waiver. You die. It's like... That's like everyone. Well, not everyone has

body act not everyone people do have like little tiny bits and those kind of things well the shit's a problem the hair's a problem the teeth are a problem possibly fingernails and toenails i'm not 100 sorry i just got one question yeah what's up what about piss uh i think we should get all your piss out as well about semen semen we can't get it all out. You're gonna drain my balls? You'll keep making semen, so... Does that mean my first cum will be a bit big? Yeah, a little bit. You'll cum one big sperm, and then you should be okay.

It acts as sort of the blocker of the whole operation. Does that hurt? Uh, yeah. It canes, man. And then we put you in an oven For some reason Of some kind

An oven? Yeah, it's like a big baking oven After or before I cum? I'm confused now This is how we downsize you We put you in an oven Oh, okay, so this is pre-cum You shrink, you're a tiny little fella

Or a little lady Like those things you put in the oven Yeah, shrinky dinks Shrinky dinks, yeah Then we give you to a team. A team? Oh, a team. I thought you said teen.

We give you to a surly team. He stumps on you. He's angry. And then you get put in a thing. A lady comes in. She's got a very funny gag where she's like, you must be hungry. You are, because you've been fasting. She's like, I'll get you something.

She leaves. She comes back with a big cracker. Then she's like, ha, ha, ha, gives you real crackers. What are real crackers? They're just crack is the size appropriate is she also little or she yeah she's little you're in little town okay okay and then you're little yeah so that's that's the whole operation and then you live in little town and in little town you know we've got a mesh over the top so that the rain is small otherwise you die if a big raindrop hit you. You've got cars, but all of your cars are like the one car.

It's like a share car thing. I don't know why that's happening, but it is. Oh, they're environmentally conscious, of course. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you spend your time doing whatever you like. Matt Damon ended up working in a call centre. Why do I have to work? Well, because maybe you've lost your money halfway through. Or you came in, you wanted to be tiny for the environment,

so you work one day a week. Surely the idea is the pitch is for me to be like, hey, your money is going to be, you're basically a millionaire when you come in here. Surely then I can use that money and invest or do something. Oh, you could if you're clever. Matt Damon had to work in a call centre. Different strokes for different folks.

Is he talking to big people or little people? I think from memory, little people. So there is a... He's trying to sell them something. Yeah, no, he's chatting to little people or maybe big people about their time in Small World. Big people about their time in Small World. Big people about their time in Small World. Well, because who think about coming to Small World,

Matt Damon was like, well, we can talk about what you'd like your house to look like. I'd believe a man that was small about being small rather than a man who was big who has made people small about being small. What other jobs can Matt Damon have? Any job you could have now. Oh, wait, how big is he? He's about the size of an iPhone or a deck of cards. Yeah.

What are you thinking? Matt Damon, by the way, is a physical therapist. What do you call it? Like a work. Like muscle strain from clicking your mouse or whatever. Matt Damon knows how to sort that out. Occupational therapist. Yeah, that's the one.

You're going to be good, though. You know what you get. Fixes a woman's missing leg. Tonsil stones. I do. You know, you put this fella in your gob. He could sort those out. That's true. That's true. Clean your throat. You stay big. Yeah. Tonsil stones. I do. You know, you put this fella in your gob, he can sort those out. That's true.

That's true. Clean your throat. You stay big. Yeah. No, but- You stay big. No, I'm saying you stay big. Yeah, I stay big.

But they seem to be, like, primarily just in the little world. Yeah. They very rarely go out. They should get big jobs because then they get a big paycheck. Well, presumably, if, say, you don't have much money

in the little world because of unforeseen circumstances, then you could offset that by being like, well, because you can travel. Yeah. You just do cash in hand. Be a plumber? Yeah. Unfortunate, because bring scuba gear. Because surely there are some advantages

of you being a little person in the big person world. Because, for example, you're a surgeon, right? And you're like, oh, I need to get in there. Ah, but my hands are too big. Literally get in there. Literally get in there. Dive in. Little guy goes in there. What about this? You slip. Yeah. Get caught in the organs.

Risk of a job man. Every surgeon could slip. Yeah, but they don't drown if they get their hand in there. All you've got to do is a little bit of string around their waist and pop them back out. Yeah. Well, look, it's something the film should consider. Put them in a condom so that they're, like, safe. Yeah, so they're hygienic.

Yeah. And then they'll suffocate. Poke a hole in it. Don't tie the end of it up. Wait. No, I probably do. My condom theory doesn't work. Yeah, I'm sorry.

Dicks don't need to breathe, but men do. This is a hard day for Joel to do a show. It's a hard lesson to learn that's what it is go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet perfect for streaming lectures all day

or binging TV shows all night save up to $20 per month on Rogers internet visit Rogers.com for details we got you Rogers okay yeah so then you live in small world Visit Rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers. Okay. Yeah. So then you live in Small World.

Uh-huh. You can fuck around. Like I said, you can go to other countries. You can go to the original small colony. Mm-hmm. That is not in a dome. That's just in a place where apparently there are no insects or bugs. They just live on the shore of a big lake.

Christoph Waltz would deliver you big vodka If you're rich enough Wait What if I just want to get drunk Then you can just get a bottle But Christoph Waltz he makes his money On the black market in bringing in Big fancy things to Little World I.e. caviar

Vodka and cocaine That's hard to sneak in though That are the three fanciest things I can think of Yeah 100% Absolutely Yeah it's not But the thing is no one's paying attention to Little World So that's why you can

So there are no cops in Little World It doesn't seem like it There are cops But not like Well There are no cops But it has a 0% crime rate They say that

Just because there's no one reporting the crimes Yeah But people are watching above the dome's no one reporting the crimes yeah but people are watching above the dome so no one's reporting the crimes no one's reporting the crimes but what they actually do is crush the criminal

does anyone in this film get crushed to death no it's tragic so no small person gets got by a big person nobody it does not tick

all of the three boxes of a tiny person film that I have fight a big rat get in an S-band eat a big block of cheese all things a rat can do.

You've always said you wanted to be small, but maybe you just want to be a rat. Possibly. Actually, instead of downsizing, okay. Be a rat. I'll speak to you. So, yeah. I'm approaching you about downsizing questions, lady that used to be in Reno 911, but wasn't a pivotal

part to the show, but also sort of was. She was a main character also she was the main character she's just her character was pretty boring yeah um can you can you show me the pros and cons of being small versus being a rat okay well as a rat you carry disease as a as a small person i could carry disease in fact as a small person if someone sneezes on me say like a big man yeah or a lady, sneezes on me, could I just get real sick real quick? Yeah, but I don't know if you'd get a worse sick. Surely it would just spread through me quicker. There's less of you for it to spread through. Oh, my God.

The bacteria are bigger. Yeah, the bacteria. Well, that's why they say you've got to drink. The milk's a bit weird because of the bacteria in the milk, but you get used to it, apparently. I don't know how or why, but you do. Yeah. Everyone would just die. I think, and also part of me is like,

this is just a cheeky ploy by the animals because everyone gets small. Everyone gets small. Ah, age rule again. Yeah, well, then there's nothing really to stop the animals from just keeping on going and then one day they crush all the colonies not on purpose they just get big again animals they don't know to me it's just employed by the rich to get rid of all the like the lower socioeconomic uh class as well as the middle class the rich shrink the poor but that's what i meant

yeah the rich yeah it doesn't matter because in the film at the very end they say that the world's ending in like 10 years anyway so sign me up oh my god the film ends with the creator of tiny people being like we have definitive proof that the world will be over in our lifetime and then he's like i'm super sad and he makes a cave that has like a tiny society and he's like we'll just live in there and be tiny and matt damon's like maybe i'll do that and he goes in but then his girlfriend who only has one leg and is the political dissonant that got put in a tv box is like please don't i love you and he's like i'm gonna do it anyway then he goes inside and a guy's like yep it's a long walk to get to the safe colony and matt damon's like yeah fuck that and he goes back out and then he gives an old man chicken and the film ends do you reckon the old man appreciated the chicken? Wait, chicken isn't-

He doesn't. I remember pretty clearly. He just eats the chicken and keeps watching a giant TV in the slums that's showing an old cowboy movie. Being small sounds very good. I do it in a heartbeat, but I just live in the real world. Then you can get in S-Bends and fight rats. Eat big cheese. Eat big cheese. What about you, Joel Zammett? I'm doing in the real world. Then you can get an S-Benz and fight rats. Eat big cheese.

Eat big cheese. What about you, Joel Zammett? I'm doing what Jackson's doing. I'm getting little but I'm not setting foot in tiny town. Getting little, living big. Yeah. Get little, live large. You, Cassandra?

Oh, look, just the fact that the- Four yasses. Fuck yes. No, I'll let you finish. Well, just the fact that the Earth Four yeses. Fuck yes. No, I'll let you finish. Well, just the fact that the Earth's ending in 10 years, it's kind of like, why not? Yeah, live rich. Four yeses.

Because again, surely when you're smaller, your heart beats faster, which means you experience life longer, yeah? Or quicker, or whatever it is. I'm going to plan to live like a rabbit. Spook me too hard and I will die. So even though in that 10 years, or whatever it is to live like a rabbit spook me too hard and i will die so like even though in that 10 years sure it is 10 years but for us it might feel like 50 yeah look i guess i might get longer out of my existence i just know i'd rather live 10 years as

a millionaire than 10 years in the state i am currently no i wouldn't i wouldn't shrink down i'd do it in a heartbeat no i wouldn't shrink down because they'd invent vr for small people and that's what I'd do. I'd just leave the VR of a small thing and I'd be like, ugh, not for me. I would, ugh, I would pick up my friends and put them on shelves. They couldn't do shit about it. You know what, Cass?

You convinced me. I'm not going small. VR all the way. Hi, Jackson Bailey. Are you familiar with our good friends here, Joel Zammett and Cass the Cowards? Yeah, I've heard of them. Yeah, well, yuck it up.

I'm going to put you on a shelf, put a thimble on your head. I'm going to kill myself, and then my death is on you. Oh, that is not on me. Oh, no, I fell off the shelf and died. Only because I pushed you. Oh, no, I leapt into a dog's mouth. Fine, I'll put you in a yowie box. A what? A yowie box? Like a Kinder Surprise bag? Yeah, the'll put you in a yowie box. A what?

A kinder surprise? Yeah, the things that come in the kinder surprise. Suffocate, die. No, they've got holes in them. Dog eats me. I perhaps get eaten by a dog. I might feed you both to a dog. Is that on me? Yes. That's murder. I'd put you both I'd get a shirt with pockets. No body, no

crime! Small body, no crime. Small body, no crime. I'd put you on my shoulders and be like, tell me what to do. Ratatouille situation. Oh my God, ratatouille me into talent. I'll dress Jack, you up like a devil. And Dusha, you up like an angel and have you on my shoulders.

That's a mistake. I'm getting down. I'll tie up. No, you up like a devil, and Dusha, you up like an angel, and have you on my shoulders. That's a mistake. I'm getting down. That's high up. No, you can't. I'm just going to be like, well, I don't know why you dress me like this. I am not the voice of reason. Should I punch that man?

What's he do? Nothing. He's looking at me a bit weird, maybe. Does he look old? Yeah, a little. Yeah. Getting in the dog the fuck. I'm going to ratatouille you, Cass.

I'm excited about that. I look forward to, Cass, you in front of the fuck. I want to ratatouille you, Cass. I'm excited about that. I look forward to, Cass, you in front of like a, I don't know, like a big display of food and I've got to ratatouille you, but I just pull your hair. And you're like, oh. Ow, get off. Oh, sorry. I pull my hat off.

I get into the bathroom in anger. I pull it off and I'm like, right, we're going to. And you've braided it so nicely. And I'm like, oh. Cass. You're just bad at it. Two tiny hands. You end up

refusing to leave. I live here! I'll braid your hair into a little house. There's one nest! See, now I'm into it. It's a classic Cass house situation. It's inevitable and it always ends this way. It does. And like all things, this too must also end.

And it's going to end with me saying yes to downsizing. And on that note, I have been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been Cass. And I've also been Joel. I miss security. I'm going to take you away again. Right, right, right, right, right, again alright right right right get small America

I just have questions thanks for listening and if you want to follow us on twitter you can find us at sanspantsradio or you can find us individually I'm at douche13 I'm at olddogthedad. And I'm at goddammitzammit. If you want to hear our other shows

you can head to sanspantsradio.com and you'll find all our other content there. There's heaps. And if you want to support us, head to sanspantsplus.com Thank you again for listening and we'll see you again next time. Goodnight for now. But not forever. Kisses.